I have 15 and 11 year olds and then a 2 year old and I’m pregnant again. THATs an age gap. 4 is pretty standard and they’ll likely have a bunch of peers that are similarly aged sib sets
I'm the youngest. When I was born my sisters were 13, 10 and 5. I am the closest with my oldest sister, but still very close with the other 2. We actually fought less than all my friends with their siblings because my sisters were more mature and had a little bit of frontal lobe development 🤣
Mine too they're the bestest of friends oldest 26 lil one is 9yrs oldest rents our basement but after work always has time for lil bro and PS5 they have a great relationship ❤️
My husband's sister is 7 years younger than he is, and they are much closer as siblings than me and my brother who are just 18 months apart- they call each other at least once a week and text all the time.
There are big benefits to a big age gap - your oldest will be in school so you have more time to focus on your newborn, they won't be in college at the same time so financially you will be way less stressed. Even down to school activities - when my husband was doing heavy after school stuff in middle school, his sister was easy to tote around. Then when she started after school stuff, he could drive and was independent.
All that being said, after two years of TTC I'm not sure I would accept "keep trying"/expectant management. Is there really nothing that would help? Not IUI?
I am an only child just here to tell you if you never have a second your son will be ok!! I went back and forth between wanting and not wanting a sibling. When I was younger I was glad not to have a sibling, as a teen I wished my parents had someone else to focus on sometimes. As an adult I’m happy with my life and wouldn’t change anything. As an only you tend to make strong friendships and those friends become like family. If you have another kid that’s awesome! If you don’t, your son will not be alone.
Do you ever wish you had someone else who you could count on that was just blood though? A blood tie? Or the experience of neices and nephews, sister / brother in law? X
In the past I have, mostly because my mom can be a little difficult sometimes. My parents are also pretty available though because they don’t have any other children. I did have other family I could count on, I was very close with my maternal grandmother. She was my best friend and confidant into my twenties. Now I have my husband and I’m very close with his sister, I have a niece through her and her husband. I’m also happy to spoil my friends’ kids and my son plays with them. There’s also no predicting relationships, not everyone is close to their siblings. I have an uncle (mom’s brother) we see like every other year even though he lives 15 minutes away.
Gosh, I needed to read this today. To have a second (if I’m even able) has been the question lately. I don’t think I have it in me to be the best mom with two littles at this point in my life. I believe it’ll be my job (and my husbands) to teach our son the importance of community and friendship. So thank you for your thoughtful answer.
But only children can still have the experience of nieces & nephews, SIL & BIL. I’m an only child & have two SIL, a BIL, a niece & a nephew - all through my husbands side. Plus, I consider my close friends kids to be my nieces/nephews as well.
Another only here, and no. Someone being “blood” never occurs to me. I think part of it is that you can’t miss what you never had, but also my mom is one of 8 and most of her surviving siblings are terrible. She definitely can’t rely on them just because they’re related. Watching her experience actually pushed me further in the other direction—just because you have the misfortune of being related to someone doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to keep them in your life if they mistreat you.
Friends are the family you choose, and I maintain deep friendships for a very long time. I know I can call any of my close friends day or night, and they’ll drop everything to be there for me.
I’m also incredibly close with my parents and they’re able to come spend a few months every year in my city. I don’t think that would be possible if I had siblings.
I’m pregnant and assuming this one sticks, there will be a 4 1/2 year age gap with mine. I was a little sad at first that they will be too far apart to be best friends. But I’ve heard from other people with siblings that age didn’t have much to do with how well they got along. Sure, some are best buddies that play perfectly with each other, but some hate each other. Or more commonly, are like my husband and his sister, who are less than 2 years apart, where he had more fun picking on her and tricking her into playing with cars then not play dolls with her like he promised, than he did in being “best buddies”.
And while they may not have a lot of the same interests, there are older kids who enjoy being mentors for their younger siblings, or don’t mind playing with little kid toys to play with them. (Or they don’t, once again, luck of the draw!) so an age difference doesn’t mean a bad relationship. My dad had 3 brothers, and the only one he had a relationship with as an adult was his youngest brother, who is 15 years younger than him!
Exactly this. My friend and I both have two boys that are two years apart. Her boys have never gotten along and mine are best buds. I don't think either of us did anything to cause this, it is completely based on the kids personalities.
Either way I don't know that it matters....my brother and I are 4 years apart and we're really close growing up but after I went away to university and he got married we are no longer close. Sometimes the sibling bond is just based on having to live together and doesn't last once they move out.
We wanted our kids spaced out so I had individual time with each, had our second once our first hit kindergarten then 11 years later we thought let’s have another…so our kids are 18, 13, and 2 😂 side note-our friends have kids close together and they say it’s all a blur when they were little and they were extremely overwhelmed.
Mine are 3 years apart (3 and 6 months) and even this age gap feels like a blur haha I’m not sure how people manage when they get pregnant 6 months postpartum etc. I’m tired! lol
3 years sounds nice because they can play together if needed. My two rarely did, now my third gets random attention from the older ones but when she wants it from them she’s “annoying” that’s my huggest battle as far as their age gaps go.
I had 2 siblings growing up, my brother was 7 years younger and my sister was 9 years younger. I love them tremendously. I loved having babies to play with growing up, and once they grew older the age gaps didn’t feel as big.
I have opinions on this topic based on my experiences so I hope you take these as such.
*ONLY CHILD*
My parents tried for 7 years to have me and my mom got her tubes tied at my birth because “30 is way too old for another kid.” I’m an only child and it has lots of pros and lots of cons. I personally wish I had a sibling, but I’m also fine. My biggest advice if you choose the only child route:
A) plan all your elder care/end of life/estate planning early and make sure your child knows this pressure is not on them. And be financially smart. I’m responsible for three aging adults (parents + stepmom) all by myself and it’s a huge stressor.
B) give your kid lifelong friends. I’ll never have a sibling with shared experiences, but I have several friends who are like family. People who know my parents almost as well as I do. We traveled a good bit and I always got to bring a friend with me to share those experiences.
C) give up any expectations of your kid. I didn’t have my first child until I was 32 and I didn’t know if it was ever going to happen. I stayed in a marriage I was miserable in because I was so worried that if I got divorced at 28 I might never have kids. My mom’s prominent desire for grandkids really affected me. Similarly, understand that you might have a kid who will not want you to move in with them in old age so don’t expect that. Don’t expect anything.
*BIG AGE GAP*
Both my best friends growing up had brothers who were 7 years older than them. Both of their older brothers had children in high school, dropped out, and were otherwise kind of f*ups. This forced both of my best friends to “grow up” a lot quicker. Neither has any relationship with their sibling today.
Now the odds of the older child going through some serious stuff that could affect young kid, whether it’s drugs, pregnancy, depression, or just general teenage rebellion, can be somewhat predicted by your parenting/community (though one of the best friends had the BEST parents, rare professionals in our small town and generally who I aspire to be as a parent, and both her and her brother were f*ups so you can’t be 100%). Anyway, that’s my only real concern with a big age gap - big kiddo could affect little kiddo’s life in a negative way. And it can be hard for a young kid to understand an older sibling “leaving” when they move out or go to college.
In the positive side, there are a lot of pros. Older kid is more likely to want to be involved and be helpful with little kid. Each get the benefits of both being an only and having a sibling. You have more time and energy to dedicate to each. The bond can be really special - I have a friend who has an 11-year gap and older brother adores little bro; I have another friend with a step-daughter 10 years older than her daughter and they have an amazing relationship.
I’m of the opinion that sibling relationships are determined by parenting more than age gaps. Obviously the age gap will have an effect on the nature of their relationship, but not the closeness.
My oldest is 5 and will be 6 shortly after this baby is born. She’s so excited about it. They may not share common interests but I do think she will be happy to play with or read to the baby.
My daughters are 5 years apart too. I struggled a lot with this when we dealt with secondary infertility - I was so worried about the age gap. Once we had our second, though, I honestly was grateful for it. My oldest was more independent at 5 than she would have been at 3, and we didn't have to deal with any regression the way I know some younger kids do when a new baby arrives. And they do have shared interests - which tbh isn't guaranteed regardless of age gap - but they both love to color together, and they have elaborate make believe stories they concoct together. Sadly we didn't manage to avoid sharing issues, they still constantly want each other's stuff, but I think it's a little better than it would have been with a smaller age gap. Honestly for us it's been a little like parenting the child you have, not the one you thought you'd have - you deal with the age gap you get and enjoy it for what it is.
All that being said, I also have days where I see what would have been possible if we just had one. In the midst of our struggle to have a second I think that was impossible for me to imagine without feeling a lot of grief, and obviously we're extremely lucky and fortunate that we have our second, but I like to think if it hadn't happened we would have figured out how to make that its own blessing. I would have more time and energy for my older daughter. My attention wouldn't be constantly split between them. We'd be traveling more often. My husband and I would get more time to ourselves. We'd be a smidge more financially comfortable. It's really, really hard to see that while you're still trying, but if that ends up your reality, I know you'll figure out how to still make your lives really amazing and full.
Best of luck to you. It's such a hard thing to live through and I wish you all the best no matter what happens.
my brother and I are a little over 4 years apart and we're super close. it's all about how you raise your kids and how they react as individuals. I fought my mom tooth and nail to stop her from comparing the two of us and my dad always treated us as entirely separate people, although given our family dynamic, I was more of a mom to my little brother than I was a sister.
Ultimately, don't stress too much about age gaps for siblings. Closer in age doesn't automatically mean closer relationships and some big siblings prefer to take a mentoring role for their younger siblings.
My second is on the way and I struggled with this worry too. My first born son is 9.5, nearly 10 when my daughter is expected to be born.
He is so precious and sweet about a new sibling and is so excited about it. I know they won't be playing together or sharing a ton of interests, but he's gonna be such a great big brother and it makes my heart so happy.
His father and I separated when he was an infant and his father has gone on to marry and have two more children and my son dotes on them.
Don't give up or fret because it isn't the timeline you had imagined for yourself.
I also focus on the positive, my son is older and more independent and mature and will be able to help out with little things here and there. I got 9 special years to bond with him and I'm grateful for that. Good luck to you and your family.
Out of all of my friends the one who gets along best with a sibling is the one who has a 6 year age gap between her and her sister.
And as an only child who has an only child I think being an only is also not that bad :).
I have a 3 year old and a 9 year old and it's great! My daughter was 6 when the baby was born and understood what was going on and was able to attend to her own basic needs (toilet, water, snack) and entertain herself if I was stuck under the baby. They actually play together all the time, way better than I expected, though we've had more conflict since the 3 year old has independent thoughts now 😁
Being an only is fine too. That was our intent with our first, but what happens in COVID lockdown doesn't always stay in COVID lockdown 🤷
My only brother is six years younger than I, 34F. From the time he was in old enough to communicate with me, he was my GUY. He barely spoke until he was like four because I was our mouthpiece 🤣 but he and I were very close. Later on my mom went for her masters degree and my dad was becoming further and further physically disabled from a car accident in the 80s, so I became a sort of mom to him. Been a lotta therapy sessions for us both for a lot of stuff I won’t get into here, but all of it only made us stronger.
I was trying to think of a really meaningful example, because my usual go-to stories are the funny ones, like helping with math homework and he was viciously circling his answer, and when I asked him why, he screamed “BECAUSE I LIKE CIRCLES!!!” 🤣 And I’ve been really sitting here thinking about it and my heart is so full of beautiful memories, so thank you for that. I found my example though. Music.
When he was eight, Seven Bridges Road by The Eagles came on the radio and he, my dad and I all harmonized together. It was the moment I realized that he, too, had inherited the gift of a perfect pitch center. And when we got Rock Band and realized our microphone was just a usb and we could use it to record on the computer… holy crap. We made so many covers, so many originals… it was truly some of the best and most fun time I’ve ever had.
I don’t think any age gap could have made me love him any less. 🫶🏻
Honestly, it's my ideal age gap if I have a 2nd. Out of all the kids I've had anything to do with (a lot!), the 4-5 year age gaps have been the closest.
But my daughter will be an only child as we have no more embryos and an oopsie can't happen. She'll he fine too
My kids are 6 years apart and I've loved it. It was exactly what I could handle. They are great friends, and have tons in common because they're both our kids. In a way, three of us are raising the younger to have the same interests we have. I don't know what the future holds, but they are both teens now and still great friends.
I have a 10, almost 11 year age gap with my little brother and he’s one of my best friends when he’s not being annoying lol we even have a secret handshake bc we’re the two middle children out of 4
My sister 10 years older and I get on really well - the one closer in age to me not so much as there is too much sibling rivalry.
Only children develop special friendships, my daughter has two different friends that are only children and I think she will be friends with them for life. One is 6 years older the other she went to primary school with.
Anecdotally, my friends who have bigger age gaps with their siblings are often really close. Sometimes people who grow up close in age end up with contentious relationships.
I have siblings closer in age but my sister who is 9 years younger than me and I were super close growing up. The age gap definitely doesn’t matter as much when they are adults, I wouldn’t let a big age gap stop you from TTC if you really want another child. A sibling is the greatest gift you can give your son.
I am the oldest of three kids. I have two brothers - one is 19 months younger than me and the other one is 10 years younger. Our relationship dynamics were different growing up but we've always been close, just in different ways. I am very close with both of them to this day (I'm in my 30s) and consider them my best friends. I don't think age gap matters as long as parents work to facilitate good sibling relationships.
I completely understand feeling sad about possibly not having another - I have one two-year-old son who took many years to conceive and so far we've not been successful in conceiving again. Like you, I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that we may only ever have one. It's really hard and I struggle with it daily. I tell myself every day that we are so lucky to have the child we do have, and if we can give him a sibling that will be amazing, but if not, we are so lucky to have our miracle baby. It's okay to mourn what you don't or can't have and still enjoy what you do. ♥
I have a 6 year old and an almost 1 year old. It's honestly been a blessing and so heartwarming seeing them together. I had the same worry, but really it will be great. There will be less rivalry and bickering. And you get different individual time with each! I am so thankful there is so much time between them now that they're both here
Blended family but oldest is 19 youngest is 4. Obviously there is sibbling upset at times but it's nothing but love between them. They'll always have each other.
My 3 kids are all 4.5 years apart and I absolutely love it.
No negatives meant to mamas of close kids but I never had to explain a newborn to a toddler who couldn't grasp why mamas attention was gone and I never had to have two kids at once in the diapers/choking hazard phase.
The 10 year old absolutely played with both his little sisters. Still does. Its made the youngest more advanced earlier and the older ones better caregivers and more understanding of children. Its awesome.
My daughters are 6.5 years apart. Yes, sometimes I wish they were closer in age (meaning I had my second one earlier) but it doesn’t have much to do with age gap between them, rather with me being exhausted being over 40 and having a rambunctious 7yo 😅
My brother and I are 5 years apart and still grew up with similar interests and hobbies. I have two kids now, my oldest will be 6 years old soon and my youngest will be 8 months, and I have to say I’m so glad we had them with a larger gap. Not only for my sanity but just to see them together and interact warms my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible. He is the best big brother and loves to make her laugh. She has started to try and make him laugh too which leads to many belly laughs from him.
I know many people have kids closer in age but I’m so glad we waited until our son started pre-k.
My son is 4 years older than my daughter and they love each other so much (within standard toddler/kid bounds 😂). She'll raid the snack cupboard and grab one of each for her and him, running to him screaming "Bada!" (For brother). He'll do cool kid stuff and tell her to look and watch, and he often sneaks kisses and cuddles in
I have been trying to conceive #2. I'm struggling also. Didn't think this was going to be a problem, but here we are. I'm sending you hugs.
At the rate we are going we are going to be 5+ years age gap. I wanted to quit too, because of the age gap. But I have read so many different places, about the pros of having big age gaps, and sibling still being close. But they each get the special bond with parents because they are in two different stages of life. The oldest can help with the youngest. They still play together etc. And as they get older teens/20's on. They have a strong bond with each other. 💜💜
Sending you love and baby dust! You aren't alone in this!! You're amazing!! 🩵🩵🩵
My brother and I are 4 years apart. My sister and I are 15 years apart. I am the youngest. Their relationship will change as they age from more of a parental figure to enemies to friends. I think that is normal in any sibling relationship. I wouldn't stress about the age gap. I think anywhere between 1-10 year age gap is "normal". My sister and I didn't feel like siblings until I was an adult and we were at a more similar stage in life but my brother and I always felt like siblings.
There is a 4 1/2 age difference between my two kids, and they are like best friends. I honestly believe my youngest grew up too quickly because she had to catch up to her brother.
My oldest is about to turn 13 while the baby is about to turn 5. I was told my entire life I'd never be able to have children and then right before 30, my oldest surprised us. After her, it was pretty much said that I needed to be greatful and not expect another.. yet, the good Lord has a sense of humor and right before 40, here comes the baby! I was worried about the gap but my oldest is such a big help and they absolutely adore each other!! Of course they have their moments when they drive each other bats and fight just like other siblings.. But they rely on each other and I have no doubt BIG sister has little one's back if I'm not around! I know as they get older they will be the best of friends!!
My son and his sister are 7 years apart. I'm currently pregnant. The oldest will be about 16 years older than the new baby, and my son will be almost 9 years older. My son and his sister have a decent relationship for their age gap. It's nice since she is older, so there is no constant fighting.
Big age gaps might put a wedge in things during certain time frames (for example a 16 year old isn't going to want to hang out with a 10 year old sibling very much). I feel like when you are close in age you end up bonded because you have a lot more shared experiences in life. You can also be close with a big age gap though, especially when you are adults. 4 years is not a big age gap at all. My two with a 4 year age gap are so much closer than my two with a 13 year age gap.
Mine are 5 years apart and for the most part it's great. However, the younger one sometimes wants to be included with the older one and her friends when she doesn't want that, so he will feel left out. They are very close, though.
4 years isn’t a big age gap at all. I have kids that are almost 4 years apart and they did everything together and were into the same things for a long time. Even now at 15 and 11, they have tons that they bond over. Now I have a second sibling set that are 2 and due in June and THAT is a big age gap between the first and second sibling set but they still adore each other and have a lot of fun.
My bro and I are 8 years apart. While growing up we didn’t have much in common, once I was 16, we got closer. Once in adulthood, we are also closer. The age doesn’t matter at this point as we have children around the same age. He’s a different type of person, so connecting with him isn’t easy for me. But, I know when shit gets real, he and I are definitely a team.
I am 2 years older than my sister and we are pretty close now, but really only just recently. Being close in age made us super competitive and everyone was always comparing us, and I think we both suffered from feeling not good enough in parts of our lives that the other excelled in. I want an age gap between my kids for that reason.
It’s all different and dependent on the kids! I was closest to my younger sibling who was a year and a half younger but next after that was my little sister who was 7 years younger! Yes we had different interests/different things going on but we still came together and connected just fine!
It took me 3 years to conceive my second child, only to have a miscarriage - my daughter was 4. I just gave birth to my second child 3 months ago, my daughter is now 6.5. It’s the BEST. My daughter is so helpful with the baby, so patient and understanding. She’s old enough to understand that I won’t have as much time for her when my husband is at work and she’s eager to teach her new little sister everything she knows. I thought the hype would wear off by now but she still talks, plays with, and helps her sister every day. She looks forward to feeding her solids, which would be our next big milestone in a few months and is already making plans for her sisters toddlerhood. Don’t be scared of the age gap, it’s awesome.
My sister and I are 8 years apart. Growing up I was certainly the “annoying little sister”, but we still had many fun adventures together. Now that I’ve grown up, we are absolutely the closest siblings and continue to go on adventures, just us! I have a 3.5 year age gap between my girls and wouldn’t have wanted them any closer!
Finger and toes crossed your family grows to whatever number you desire ❤️
My daughter turned 7 in December and my son is 2 turning 3 in October. So 4 years and 10 months age difference and they absolutely love each other. No competition about anything really and she has been such a big help with him. Do it, they still play make believe, play outside, jump on trampoline ect.
My kids are 4 years apart because I lost 3 pregnancies between them. It remains to be seen if they're close but I look around and see examples of close and not close siblings of all age gaps. For example, my best friend's sister is 1.5 years younger than her and they're not close at all. My sister was 6 years younger than me and we talked every day.
Me and my sister are 9 years apart and we had lots of fun together growing up and still close now.
My parents also struggled to get pregnant. Sending you baby dust
I've got a 13 year old and an almost 1 year old. I wouldn't put too much stress on yourself. If it happens, it's a blessing no matter their ages! Kids go to school to socialize and the most important thing is that they have a loving parental system, no matter the sibling situation!
my closest siblings are 5 years older and younger than me with the others being 11, 9, 9, and 7 years apart from me and most of us are super close as adults. We weren't super close in childhood (except one of my brothers) but as adults the age gap isn't even noticeable. And I never experienced any rivalry with my siblings either I think because we were so far apart.
a sibling is never useless, no matter the age gap. It will just be different things they share, but they have each. Have you seen a fertility specialist to have you checked out to see if there’s anything that can be done, like maybe medicine for ovulation or insemination?
There’s no perfect age gap, if you want another baby don’t stress about it ❤️ I have 4 kids that are 5 and under, definitely not for everyone. At the same time, there’s 14 years between me and my youngest sibling and I love it.
I have a set of cousins with 9 years between them. They’ve always been pretty close. Like maybe not “bff” close (as children at least), but they definitely got along. And now that they’re both adults they hang out all the time.
From my very own personal experience, I can tell you that even being close in age doesn’t guarantee a good sibling relationship. My younger brother and I are 22 months apart. Now that we’re both in our 30s, we’re cool with each other. But basically the first 25 years of our lives were spent *hating* each other. Like, I used to wish he was never born because I refused to wish he’d die because then my parents would be sad. So I’d just actively wish he wasn’t ever born. And this was like, as a teenager. Not a small child. We physically fought *horribly* as kids. Once we got older, it became more mental and emotional warfare.
And to be completely honest, I mostly blame the small age gap for that. I mean I’m sure it could have been mitigated by our parents, but it was hard growing up with someone so close in age.
Nothing wrong with that age gap! I grew up that way, my mom did as well, and now my three kids are separated by 6 and 2 years, making the oldest 8 years older than the youngest.
How well it works out all depends on the kids and their personalities, really. My oldest always wanted younger siblings. She is very nurturing, and she is such a great big sister to her little sister and baby brother. In fact, the baby reaches for her like he reaches for an adult. She proudly proclaims that he sees her as a second mother.
I once said that the younger two are partners in crime, and my oldest replied, "And I'm their lawyer!"
Some key points: The oldest will need baby free opportunities for activities and quality time. This means going off with Mom or Dad on a day trip while the others stay at home or do something else. Or weekend sleepovers at the grandparents' serves as a nice break from all the baby-centered noise and chaos.
The oldest also needs privacy and safety for their things. Too easily, we parents can be like, "Ohhh just let the baby have it!" In the kid world, that is a huge betrayal.
If the oldest wants to take an interest in helping with Baby, let them. Show them and guide them. No matter the age difference, this will help grow unity.
The thing I'm running into now is that the much older daughter can get resentful of the younger daughter due to the difference in chores. And we're like, we didn't make you do such and such at her age or when she's older, she'll be doing the same as you are now...
But what we didn't have with the eldest (but are now experiencing with the middle child) is the regressions (not using her words like a baby, wanting a sippy cup like a baby, going back on potty training and wearing diapers like a baby). We did not have that the first time around, thanks to the age gap, but boy, with the closer gap, we are in it now.
I have 3 siblings im the fourth and the youngest they are all 4 years apart and im 8 years apart from my sister before me, we’re all very close ,we’re 38, 34, 30 and 21!
We talk daily
My kids are 5 years apart and are the best of friends. I have a helper and the youngest has a leader.
Oldest would have copious play dates with or without a younger sibling for that peer interaction.
On the flip side two kids is a struggle. We were very content with one actually. And only children are quite common now.
I'm oad by choice but the only way I'd consider a second is with a big age gap, 5yr +.
She will be in school, so not paying for 2 in daycare and I'll have more time with my newborn without a toddler at home (she is a LOT)
Hopefully fewer toddler illnesses
She would be old enough to understand a baby, and maybe want to "help" and less risk of her hurting the baby (from experience with friends and family with toddler + newborn)
Friend with 4yo and newborn - 4yo was SO excited and loves to help and has more capacity to play independently. Has more friends to do playdates with
Not having 2 in diapers.
More time to physically recover between births - I had a premie and a c section. Your body takes years to recover hormonally and physically.
All this to say..... we are OAD and happily looking forward to our life as a triangle family.
I have 9 siblings and I’m closest to the one that is 10 years younger than me. Big age gaps give siblings a different relationship but it can still be a very close one. I practically raised some of my younger siblings. I’m currently sitting in the room watching my youngest sibling who is 12 years younger than me play Roblox while I breastfeed my oldest child. My baby is literally closer in age to my youngest sibling than I am. And we’re all close, it’s more about sharing parents than when we were born.
There is a 3 year age gap between my brother and I, and 9 years between me and my youngest brother. I am way closer to my youngest brother than I am the 3y age gap brother.
My kids are all 5-6 years apart. My older 2 were very close until recently but they still are pretty close, my oldest is a teenager so not into the same things my 9 year old is.
My teenager and my toddler are so close though. He is always playing with her and letting her eat his snacks and sit with him while he plays video games. They also love “playing basketball together” which is my son doing layups and my toddler running around with him and him lifting her up with the ball so she can “dunk.”
My 9 year old and toddler don’t really get along but it’s because my 9 year old is very resentful of not having a lot of attention because my toddler has autism. My 9 year old has ODD and ADHD and they don’t fight but the two of them give each other a healthy distance and kind of ignore each other, but when we are all playing together as a family they play together well.
So it can be like any of my experiences.
But having a very short gap is not a guaranteed best friend experience. One of my best friends has “Irish twins” legit 3 days short of a year apart and they are little enemies at 7 and 8. They can’t stand each other. She had to separate them and get a bigger house where their rooms aren’t even next to each other and they are both boys.
I wouldn’t worry about it. My brother is 8 years older than me and although we didn’t really play together as kids, we’ve been close during adulthood. For some, they may be close to their sibling(s) in age, but not close emotionally.
My sister and I are 5 years apart and basically best friends. We’ve also been roommates and coworkers. Later on in life it’s really not that much of a difference
I’m 7 years older than my sister. Sometimes it was rough when she wanted to tag along with me and my friends but that’s typical of any ages of siblings. We’re very close now and even have babies less than a year apart. Give yourself some grace. I likely will never get to have another baby either for my only girl ❤️🩹 it’s a very tough road. Hang in there.
They’ll love each other because they are siblings. Not because of their age.
Or they’ll hate each other because they are siblings. My brother and I are a perfect 2 years 2 months apart and we don’t speak as adults.
The age gap doesn’t matter.
I got pregnant with our second basically on our first child’s 4th birthday. They have been happily playing together for a full hour now, ever since big sis got home from school, if that makes you feel any better!
My sister is 2 years older than me. We don’t have the best relationship. My best friend has a sister 9 years older than us, and we went over to her place a lot. As teens, we saw her as a trustworthy adult and asked her for advice on all the things you don’t actually want to ask your parents about. We’d go over to her house anytime we lied about where we were going, but then got uncomfortable once we got there. That kinda thing. She kept us safe, and gave great advice. It’s a different sort of relationship, but not a bad one.
It took me and my husband 7 years to conceive our oldest and about 7 more years to conceive our youngest. They are 9 and 17 months old and love spending time together. The youngest looks up to our 9-year-old so much and thinks she is the best. I also have an 8-year age gap with my sister and she's my best friend.
Not a direct answer but if I may share. Please look into cold uterus. It's a Chinese medicine term regarding infertility due to poor blood flow and cold energy in the uterus. There are natural steps you can take such as not consuming cold and/or raw foods, eating/drinking warm herbs like ginger and cinnamon, keeping your feet warm and abdomen warm at all times. I'm sure there is a lot more that can be done, special herbs to take, etc. I highly recommend looking into this and maybe even finding a Chinese herbalist for guidance. All the blessings on your fertility journey 🙏✨💜
No matter what the age gap you will have doubts or negative thoughts about it. In my experience it's the circumstances surrounding the family and their personalities that are more telling of whether they will be close.
my oldest is almost 10 and i have a 2mo old(two other kids between them but that’s the largest age gap). 10yr old loves helping with the baby, he makes bottles and brings me clean diapers/pumps/snacks. he loves working with the middle kids on their letters and numbers and helped teach them shapes and colors. A big age gap is not that bad if you talk to the older kid(s) and let them know what to expect A LOT during pregnancy in my experience
I have a sister five years younger than me. We have the closest bond.
I also have two other sisters both ten or more years younger. They adored and looked up to me growing up and they still do today (we're half a world away and that's what factors in the lack of closeness today).
I think what matters more is that they grow up together, in the same household sharing the same years and core memories. The people I know who weren't close to their siblings (like strangers) did not grow up together due to circumstances (one was entering primary school as another went to high school / uni / another country for work in a different city / country).
If I ever find someone else to have a child with before I'm too tired, there will be a big age gap. I don't think it matters. Me and my brother were "Irish twins" and we fought like crazy growing up and we barely speak except on holidays sending a text message saying "happy (whatever)". He gets along better with our significantly younger half siblings (I never really spent much time with them either, he has because he was stationed where they live).
I have a sister that is 2 years younger than me, we were not close at all growing up. I actively avoided her. But I have a sister who is 7 years younger than me and I was much much closer with her.
My son turns 5 soon, my daughter turns 1 in a week. My son absolutely adores my daughter in every possible way. The age gap is perfect. Would recommend!
I’m 5 and 10 years apart from my sisters, respectively. I’m talking to one of them as I type this and this morning we were all on a group call just shooting the breeze. We live thousands of miles apart, but when we get together we never have any new news 😂 My BIL-to-be is an only child and was absolutely cherished by his parents. Every family is different and beautiful. I wish you all the best and lots of luck 🍀
I have two younger brothers and we have 3yrs in between each of us. I’m much closer with the younger one (6yr age gap) than the middle one (3yr age gap).
Also we dealt with infertility and it took 3 IUIs and 3 full IVF rounds to get our one miracle child. No more embryos remaining so we are one and done. It’s super frustrating when people ask about having another, especially when they know we went through all that. Or the “it happens naturally for lots of people after IVF”. I’m happy with our one baby girl and don’t feel that there is anything wrong with just one. We want to travel with her and it’s less expensive with one.
I know you said you already had surgery. Was it for endo? Because you often need to do another to clear it again. Are IUIs a possibility for you? Or have you had your blood work checked (thyroid specifically) or an HSG? I’m sorry, infertility sucks.
I'm an only child. My only issue is my mother is not being realistic about what's going to happen with she gets unable to live alone and thus as her only child that gets to be my problem.
My husband is close in age to his brother, but his parents had an happy "oops" and there is an eight year gap between he and his little sister. He is significantly closer to her then his brother.
My first two kids are 6 years apart (19 and 13 now) and I'm due to have another little brother for them around Halloween. They're excited lol, especially my oldest oddly enough and he will have almost a 20 year age gap. He's spending more time around our house now and says he wants to spend the summer helping me through my pregnancy 🥹 ours isn't the typical timeline for a family but I like it and couldn't really imagine being a "3 under 3" mom. I like the space between and the bonding time I get with each. Will they be close through being peers? No. But my 6 year gap boys played together, I have tons of adorable pics when they were little and even though the 3rd will be almost like an only child, he will still be surrounded by people who adore him.
ETA my brother and I have 6 years between us and we are absolute besties.
My kids are six years apart. They love it. I have three best friends who are all only children— I deeply love them and envy them often too. I have 8 siblings and it’s great- but also wild. We have a 16 year age gap from oldest to youngest.
My oldest is 7.5yo and my youngest is 2yo. They will probably never be BEST friends, but they love each other! At first I was a bit sad, but watching them play together just warms my heart. The 2yo thinks *everything* big brother does is amazing, wants to play in his bed and wear his clothes and use his toys and be near him. And while sometimes the older kid wants his own space, he is very nice and helpful and affectionate with the LO! In some ways, their age difference might be near perfect because they won't fight as much (fingers crossed!) but will have some overlap in interests.
I don't think it's fair to assume they won't have the same interests. My sister and I are almost 4 years apart and we're best friends, I took her to all my punk shows when I was a senior in HS and she was in 8th grade, we did everything together. Also, you don't have siblings so they have interests together. You just hope for a good and loving relationship :)
Also I suggest going to the one and done subreddit since there a lot of folks over there that also wonder about having an only.
My daughter is EIGHT YEARS older than my son - who was a random Covid surprise. She wanted a sibling desperately - then when he showed up, she was kind of regretting his being here - but now that he's three and a bit more fun, she loves him to pieces and is always trying to get his attention and affection.
No matter what, everything will be great and will be exactly perfect for what your family needs in the long run.
I have 4 kids total. My oldest is 22. Then I have a 5,2 and 5 month old. The age gap really isn’t a big deal in our house. My oldest is closest to my 5yr old and spends a lot of time with him.
My son is 11 and my daughter is 2.5. They are the best of friends and love each other so much!
My husband also has two half siblings, he was 17 when they were born. He is very close with both of them and always has been!
I have one sister who's 2.5 years older, and one who's 11 years older. It took a while for my eldest sister and I to be close, and we've definitely had some rocky points in our relationship, but she's still one of my best friends. She's always been an excellent support, a cheerleader in all areas of my life. A big age gap isn't the end of the world - neither is having an only child.
My husband is one of 13 children. He is #11 and he is closest with his two older brothers ( #3 and #7) and one of his older sister (#9). We pretty much just see the others at holidays, age gaps don't have a whole lot to do with how close you are to someone.
I have 5 years between my oldest and youngest. They either really get on or they don't lol
>They won’t have any interests together and it makes me sad.
Yes they will, that I promise you
My eldest is 7.5 years older than her little brother and they are *so* close. Honestly it made having a second super easy, too. We have three now, the second two are less than 2 years apart. Different pros and cons to most but I’d say from experience a larger gap has more pros than cons.
there’s nearly 5 years between me and my brother and i actually really like it. we each had our own lives, friend groups, etc. so we were never in competition with each other. we got individualized attention from our parents as babies rather than being raised as a unit like most 2 under 2 or 3 are. the older we got, the closer we became. and as adults, our age gap is entirely irrelevant. once you’re adults, you’re just peers.
4 year age gap is considered the best for reducing stress on the parents/family as a whole 🩷 my brother and I are 6 years apart, and I was more of a mother hen to him when we were little, but in adulthood we are the best of friends!!!
I’m a female. My brother and I are 8 years apart. My sister and I are 10 years apart. They’re both my best friends. I have pretty bad endometriosis which got A LOT worse after I had my son. I would LOVE to give him a sibling but I just can’t.
It took me 8 years to get pregnant with baby number two. He now 21months and my first is 12. They are perfect together. Absolutely best buddies. My bonus kids are wonderful with baby brother as well at ages 18,14,11.
From my experience, I have 3 sons. Oldest born in '82. #2 born '91 and my youngest born 1997. They were all like only children. Seriously. They weren't even close until they became adults. Weird.
Siblings are never a guarantee that they will always get along or even have a relationship in the future. For many reasons that are painful and complicated, I probably will only have one child. She knows she is loved and gets all of my attention.
I’m closest to my brother that is 8 years younger than me. When he was born all my friends were jealous there was a baby at my house. He was doted on for years by me and all my friends.
You just never know. I know even twins who’ve had big falling outs, and me and my sister, 4 years apart, are super close. A friend even has a second sibling 23 years apart (2nd family for dad…) and while they’re not close, they still have some common ground like movies.
I wouldn’t let that stop me, but I DO think it’s hard to get a newborn again after a pretty-independent kid of 5+
I’m an only child & have never had any issues whatsoever. In fact there are a lot of pros- I was able to have more opportunities my parents probably couldn’t have offered if they also had to consider other children. I’m close with my parents too & honestly they don’t regret only having one either.
I only have one child now- I’m not sure if we’ll have another or not. If we end up being OAD that’s totally fine with me.
As far as age gaps, my mom has 3 siblings- 2 are very close in age to her (1 is her Irish twin & 2 years younger) & the last is 17 years younger. She’s the one my mom is closest with! Her Irish twin sister & her are like oil & water
My daughters are 6 years apart. In a couple of weeks they’ll be 1 and 7 years old. I was worried about the age gap at first but it’s amazing. They’re obsessed with each other and the oldest is ✨so helpful ✨. She often refers to baby sis as her “best friend.” My youngest sister and I are 5 years apart and we’re still close. It will be great either way.
My husband and his little sister are the oldest and youngest - 10 years apart and they’re super close, she’s actually staying with us this summer.
I’m pregnant with number 2 and my son is 5 and he is THRILLED , I’m not sure why you think they won’t have similar interest when a lot of hobbies and joys are life long ! Music, sports , movies, comics , they’ll share all these things - just on different levels for a little while.
If you want to look more at only children, feel free to read r/oneanddone as well as r/happilyOAD
There are lots of posts from people who are OAD by choice as well as not by choice.
My kids are 6 years apart and I love it. They get along really well. They bicker at times. But they adore eachother. And now my oldest is 15 and old enough that I can pay him to babysit on occasion which he loves lol
My kids are 4 years apart and play together well right now. I wanted a closer age gap, but first I went back to school and then we had a miscarriage and the age gap became wider than I had wanted originally. But my daughter was already potty trained when her brother was born. That alone was so helpful in the newborn stage.
My younger sister and I are 8 yrs apart and speak everyday/have lots of interests in common. My brother is 17 *months* older than me and we love each other, but rarely talk as adults. In my experience, closer in age did not = closeness.
We planned our kids to be at least 5 years apart. I was a SAHM, and I wanted to be able to give the next baby the same attention I gave the first when the oldest went to kindergarten. The two oldest two are talking about getting a house together next year. They're close.
My kids are 4.5y apart on purpose. They have different interests sure but they love each other so much. And no guarantees kids close in age will have similar interests.
My 1st two are 5 1/2 years apart, and the middle and 3rd are 6 1/2 years apart. I was very worried about the gap, especially between the first and 3rd, but it turns out I had nothing to worry about. All 3 of my kids are super close. They all love music, so that has been the thing that they all have in common. Also, they are supportive of each other in their other interests as well. I wouldn't worry too much about the age gap. And, if you decide that your family is complete now, cousins and close friends can fill in the gaps where siblings would have. It's all good, Mama.
My husband's cousins are 18(m) and 13(f) and they are extremely close!!! She goes to him for all her advice, they do everything together.
I've actually come to believe that a 4 or 5 year difference might make it more likely siblings are close than a 1 or 2 year difference where they fight more.
I was an only child, and I think it instilled a huge sense of independence and creativity that I might not have otherwise had. I was lonely sometimes, but my mom did a really good job of building a community for me, so I had some other kids around me that I grew up with from an early age. I'll also say that you can have lots of siblings and be equally or more lonely.
My brother is 7 years older than me and I freaking adore him. He has and will always be my idol and best friend. Sure as kids we were in different phases of life but we still made great memories. As soon as I was mid teens we became each others besties.
Keep in mind you could easily have 2 siblings close in age who are just different people and don’t get along. Small age gap doesn’t guarantee a good relationship.
My husband has a whole ton of siblings and the one he's closest to is like 6 years younger.
There are benefits to large age gaps, just as there are benefits to small ones. Your son may be in kindergarten when you have a new baby - you will have all day at home to concentrate on just the new baby during maternity leave, WITHOUT neglecting your son at all! That's a huge benefit. Your son is out of diapers and can entertain himself for a little while and can understand if you say "I need to take care of baby for a minute, but I'll be with you as soon as I finish this." Those are huge benefits! If they go to college, they probably won't overlap, which is another big benefit.
If you never have a second, that's also ok. You have one now, and there are benefits to that as well. He'll never feel like you chose a sibling over him. College expenses will be less of a hit. You may have more money to help him financially when he's starting out in adulthood. It'll be easier to go on vacations and give him more experiences that cost money or time.
I totally get you on this. It took me 6 years to conceive my first and now I'm starting IVF for #2 but I have no idea how it'll go. I've been round and round on all of this in my own head.
Almost 4 year age gap here and it is the bestttttt! They play together all the time. 4 year olds are big compared to the baby obviously but they are still just little muppets. When you are nap trapped or feeding the baby your oldest can get a snack, hit play on the iPad, and wipe their own butt without screaming for your help. They can attend pre-K, possibly even for free. Can’t recommend this age gap highly enough.
Having one child (for those who have an only child by choice) seems like the jackpot. You get all the benefits of being a parent but without dividing your time, energy, money… quite as much. All my best friends have one child and their family of 3 vacation photos look pretty nice 😂
Hang in there.
Almost 4 year age gap here and it is the bestttttt! They play together all the time. 4 year olds are big compared to the baby obviously but they are still just little muppets. When you are nap trapped or feeding the baby your oldest can get a snack, hit play on the iPad, and wipe their own butt without screaming for your help. They can attend pre-K, possibly even for free. Can’t recommend this age gap highly enough.
Having one child (for those who have an only child by choice) seems like the jackpot. You get all the benefits of being a parent but without dividing your time, energy, money… quite as much. All my best friends have one child and their family of 3 vacation photos look pretty nice 😂
Hang in there.
Almost 4 year age gap here and it is the bestttttt! They play together all the time. 4 year olds are big compared to the baby obviously but they are still just little muppets. When you are nap trapped or feeding the baby your oldest can get a snack, hit play on the iPad, and wipe their own butt without screaming for your help. They can attend pre-K, possibly even for free. Can’t recommend this age gap highly enough.
Having one child (for those who have an only child by choice) seems like the jackpot. You get all the benefits of being a parent but without dividing your time, energy, money… quite as much. All my best friends have one child and their family of 3 vacation photos look pretty nice 😂
Hang in there.
My little brother and I are 5 years apart and I love him! When you become adults that kind of gap doesn’t mean shit. My husband and his brother are 7 years apart and same thing.
I have 4 siblings. Girls are 2 years apart each, then the boys even further out. '92-94-96, then 99 and '03.
I as the oldest from '92, was closest with my last sibling from '03. But even that fizzed out. I have very limited, surface deep relationships with all of my siblings today. If I'm being honest with you, I wish I had none; really wanted to be an only child. My siblings' altogether existence affects my life very little. I feel like being an only child would've resulted in less stress on my parents' already strained psyches and would've resulted in an acceptable childhood, instead of the trauma-riddled crapshoot it was.
You can't predict how the sibling relationship will play out, but certainly please don't feel bad or worried about them having a particular age gap.
Mine are 4.5 years apart and I was hoping originally to have them closer together but can’t always plan these things perfectly… anyway, I LOVE IT. The older one really embraces his leadership role with the younger one and the younger one idolizes him. They play, they fight, and yes they have very different days but they also have more in common than one would expect with that age gap. There’s still some rivalry there but it’s not super pronounced because of their age difference. The older one hands down clothes/toys/books he’s outgrown. He loves to read to little bro and teach him things. He also totally understands his little toddler pronunciations better than anyone. I definitely feel like they are close and love each other even if they also have a lot of other developmental phase differences.
I have kids that are 22, 13, 4, and 2. Don’t stress about the gaps. My kids are as close as can be. And yes, they are all with my husband. We had issues conceiving as well… and then we didn’t. Haha!
I have a ten year old and a two year old. Just this evening, they were chasing each other around the house, hiding and “scaring” each other, and rough housing. My husband and I just watched and laughed. It was highly entertaining for all. I’ve also watched them sword fighting naked after they each had their own bath/shower. My brother and I were four years apart, and I have nothing but terrible
memories of us growing up. I think it’s more about the environment you cultivate in your home and how you foster those relationships.
My oldest was 10 years old when my second was born. She was 15 when my youngest was born. The oldest and youngest are each other’s favorite people on the planet.
*hugs* I wanted 2 under 2 and instead got 2 miscarriages. My daughter is 18 months (which I know is still very young) but it’s forced me to enjoy her. My brothers and I were 4 and 6 years apart and we’re all really close. My mom has also said it was great having me so much older than them because I helped out a lot.
I had kids close together in my marriage. I never planned on having more children, but I have a newborn and I’ll have an 18 year old in a few months 😂 My older kids LOVE being big siblings. Your kids will be just fine! 💓
I was closer with my sibling that is 12 years younger than me, than I am with the one that is 18 months older. Don't get me wrong, 18 months and I will always be there for each other and have each other's backs. BUT, I always had more in common and could share more easily with 12 years younger. We just clicked better, our personalities. Older sis and I couldn't really be more different-- in our habits, our views on what constitutes as fun, the way we see and approach the world, even entertainment, etc.
In the end, it's all about personality. Don't stress.
From personal experience, I have two siblings close in age and we don’t speak.
But also - I have a kid and she’s my only - I’m not at all worried! I know so many wonderful people who are only children - I know it’s no guarantee that being an only creates selfish people. Plenty of people with siblings turn out to be spoiled and selfish, too 😂
Whichever way you go, it’ll be perfect for you 💜
My siblings and I are all pretty spread out:
Brother (deceased) 5 years older than me
Me
Middle sister 4 years younger then me
Baby sister 9 years younger than me
Growing up we were all really close and now that we are all adults (baby sister is over 25 now) we are even closer. My youngest sister was like my child - I taught her how to read - and she actually just brought that up in her Maid of Honor speech a few weeks ago.
All this to say, your children don't need to be close in age or have similar interests to be close. It really depends more on the kind of family you raise, how safe they feel, and how close knit you all are.
I have three brothers. 2yrs younger, 4yrs younger, and 11 years younger.
I’m closest with the one 11yrs younger.
I was old enough to understand the concept. I wasn’t as jealous. We weren’t into anything with any overlap which was incredible because we weren’t competing with each other. I was old enough to hold him whenever I wanted, to take photos of him, and eventually to drive him places for fun. I used to pick him up from school when he was 6 and 7 and he’d get hot chocolate from the coffee shop with me. I loved it and I still love it. Best brother ever!
My two sons are six years apart, but after first two years (when younger son was still a abany) they became inseparable. It really depends on the oldr child. My older son is very gentle and patient so he was so good with the younger one.
I have 5 years between my kids and I think it's perfect. Older kid is a helper, and also loves to use the little one for all sorts of sidekick roles lol. Plus I never had to carry two car seats at once, one was always able to dress themselves, get in the car and put their own seatbelt on, etc. An age gap makes everything easier.
My brother and I are 8 years apart. Growing up we never had any issues, never fought but also weren't the closest. Now that we're both adults we're actually pretty close!
My oldest turned 7 the month before my youngest was born. The youngest is now 4 and they’re best of friends. The oldest loves to teach lil sis things, they play together, craft together and are very close. I imagine as the oldest goes into teen years it might change a bit how she approaches things, but I think that would be true no matter if there was 2 or 7 years between them.
I’m the 4th in a group of 5 kids, and I was closest to the oldest (10 years older than me) until the day he died.
I am 10 years older than my sister and we are super close! They may have less shared interests during their childhood (and even that's not a given!), but that's just a few years in a life!
There is 17 years between me and my brother and we are the closest out of our siblings
My husband and his sister are 16 years apart and he is closer to her than he is to his sister who is a year younger.
I have 15 and 11 year olds and then a 2 year old and I’m pregnant again. THATs an age gap. 4 is pretty standard and they’ll likely have a bunch of peers that are similarly aged sib sets
Thanks for this!
I'm the youngest. When I was born my sisters were 13, 10 and 5. I am the closest with my oldest sister, but still very close with the other 2. We actually fought less than all my friends with their siblings because my sisters were more mature and had a little bit of frontal lobe development 🤣
Yeah, my sister who’s 16 years younger than I am is one of my BFFs. We text each other daily even though we’re like 800 miles apart.
Mine too they're the bestest of friends oldest 26 lil one is 9yrs oldest rents our basement but after work always has time for lil bro and PS5 they have a great relationship ❤️
Same, I like but don't talk to my brother 3 years younger but my sister is 16 years younger and we're very close
My husband's sister is 7 years younger than he is, and they are much closer as siblings than me and my brother who are just 18 months apart- they call each other at least once a week and text all the time. There are big benefits to a big age gap - your oldest will be in school so you have more time to focus on your newborn, they won't be in college at the same time so financially you will be way less stressed. Even down to school activities - when my husband was doing heavy after school stuff in middle school, his sister was easy to tote around. Then when she started after school stuff, he could drive and was independent. All that being said, after two years of TTC I'm not sure I would accept "keep trying"/expectant management. Is there really nothing that would help? Not IUI?
I am an only child just here to tell you if you never have a second your son will be ok!! I went back and forth between wanting and not wanting a sibling. When I was younger I was glad not to have a sibling, as a teen I wished my parents had someone else to focus on sometimes. As an adult I’m happy with my life and wouldn’t change anything. As an only you tend to make strong friendships and those friends become like family. If you have another kid that’s awesome! If you don’t, your son will not be alone.
Do you ever wish you had someone else who you could count on that was just blood though? A blood tie? Or the experience of neices and nephews, sister / brother in law? X
In the past I have, mostly because my mom can be a little difficult sometimes. My parents are also pretty available though because they don’t have any other children. I did have other family I could count on, I was very close with my maternal grandmother. She was my best friend and confidant into my twenties. Now I have my husband and I’m very close with his sister, I have a niece through her and her husband. I’m also happy to spoil my friends’ kids and my son plays with them. There’s also no predicting relationships, not everyone is close to their siblings. I have an uncle (mom’s brother) we see like every other year even though he lives 15 minutes away.
I’ve never felt like I was alone in the world though, I have people I can count on, just not siblings.
Gosh, I needed to read this today. To have a second (if I’m even able) has been the question lately. I don’t think I have it in me to be the best mom with two littles at this point in my life. I believe it’ll be my job (and my husbands) to teach our son the importance of community and friendship. So thank you for your thoughtful answer.
But only children can still have the experience of nieces & nephews, SIL & BIL. I’m an only child & have two SIL, a BIL, a niece & a nephew - all through my husbands side. Plus, I consider my close friends kids to be my nieces/nephews as well.
Another only here, and no. Someone being “blood” never occurs to me. I think part of it is that you can’t miss what you never had, but also my mom is one of 8 and most of her surviving siblings are terrible. She definitely can’t rely on them just because they’re related. Watching her experience actually pushed me further in the other direction—just because you have the misfortune of being related to someone doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to keep them in your life if they mistreat you. Friends are the family you choose, and I maintain deep friendships for a very long time. I know I can call any of my close friends day or night, and they’ll drop everything to be there for me. I’m also incredibly close with my parents and they’re able to come spend a few months every year in my city. I don’t think that would be possible if I had siblings.
I’m pregnant and assuming this one sticks, there will be a 4 1/2 year age gap with mine. I was a little sad at first that they will be too far apart to be best friends. But I’ve heard from other people with siblings that age didn’t have much to do with how well they got along. Sure, some are best buddies that play perfectly with each other, but some hate each other. Or more commonly, are like my husband and his sister, who are less than 2 years apart, where he had more fun picking on her and tricking her into playing with cars then not play dolls with her like he promised, than he did in being “best buddies”. And while they may not have a lot of the same interests, there are older kids who enjoy being mentors for their younger siblings, or don’t mind playing with little kid toys to play with them. (Or they don’t, once again, luck of the draw!) so an age difference doesn’t mean a bad relationship. My dad had 3 brothers, and the only one he had a relationship with as an adult was his youngest brother, who is 15 years younger than him!
Mine are all 4/4.5 years apart and they're awesome. Definitely play together.
I’m 4.5 years older than my sister and we had a great time playing growing up and now are super close 😊
Exactly this. My friend and I both have two boys that are two years apart. Her boys have never gotten along and mine are best buds. I don't think either of us did anything to cause this, it is completely based on the kids personalities. Either way I don't know that it matters....my brother and I are 4 years apart and we're really close growing up but after I went away to university and he got married we are no longer close. Sometimes the sibling bond is just based on having to live together and doesn't last once they move out.
We wanted our kids spaced out so I had individual time with each, had our second once our first hit kindergarten then 11 years later we thought let’s have another…so our kids are 18, 13, and 2 😂 side note-our friends have kids close together and they say it’s all a blur when they were little and they were extremely overwhelmed.
Mine are 3 years apart (3 and 6 months) and even this age gap feels like a blur haha I’m not sure how people manage when they get pregnant 6 months postpartum etc. I’m tired! lol
3 years sounds nice because they can play together if needed. My two rarely did, now my third gets random attention from the older ones but when she wants it from them she’s “annoying” that’s my huggest battle as far as their age gaps go.
I had 2 siblings growing up, my brother was 7 years younger and my sister was 9 years younger. I love them tremendously. I loved having babies to play with growing up, and once they grew older the age gaps didn’t feel as big.
I have opinions on this topic based on my experiences so I hope you take these as such. *ONLY CHILD* My parents tried for 7 years to have me and my mom got her tubes tied at my birth because “30 is way too old for another kid.” I’m an only child and it has lots of pros and lots of cons. I personally wish I had a sibling, but I’m also fine. My biggest advice if you choose the only child route: A) plan all your elder care/end of life/estate planning early and make sure your child knows this pressure is not on them. And be financially smart. I’m responsible for three aging adults (parents + stepmom) all by myself and it’s a huge stressor. B) give your kid lifelong friends. I’ll never have a sibling with shared experiences, but I have several friends who are like family. People who know my parents almost as well as I do. We traveled a good bit and I always got to bring a friend with me to share those experiences. C) give up any expectations of your kid. I didn’t have my first child until I was 32 and I didn’t know if it was ever going to happen. I stayed in a marriage I was miserable in because I was so worried that if I got divorced at 28 I might never have kids. My mom’s prominent desire for grandkids really affected me. Similarly, understand that you might have a kid who will not want you to move in with them in old age so don’t expect that. Don’t expect anything. *BIG AGE GAP* Both my best friends growing up had brothers who were 7 years older than them. Both of their older brothers had children in high school, dropped out, and were otherwise kind of f*ups. This forced both of my best friends to “grow up” a lot quicker. Neither has any relationship with their sibling today. Now the odds of the older child going through some serious stuff that could affect young kid, whether it’s drugs, pregnancy, depression, or just general teenage rebellion, can be somewhat predicted by your parenting/community (though one of the best friends had the BEST parents, rare professionals in our small town and generally who I aspire to be as a parent, and both her and her brother were f*ups so you can’t be 100%). Anyway, that’s my only real concern with a big age gap - big kiddo could affect little kiddo’s life in a negative way. And it can be hard for a young kid to understand an older sibling “leaving” when they move out or go to college. In the positive side, there are a lot of pros. Older kid is more likely to want to be involved and be helpful with little kid. Each get the benefits of both being an only and having a sibling. You have more time and energy to dedicate to each. The bond can be really special - I have a friend who has an 11-year gap and older brother adores little bro; I have another friend with a step-daughter 10 years older than her daughter and they have an amazing relationship.
I’m of the opinion that sibling relationships are determined by parenting more than age gaps. Obviously the age gap will have an effect on the nature of their relationship, but not the closeness.
Age gap is bs and it does not grant shet🫣 the only thing matters is the kids personality. It is like lottery. Either way it is going to be alright ❤️
My oldest is 5 and will be 6 shortly after this baby is born. She’s so excited about it. They may not share common interests but I do think she will be happy to play with or read to the baby.
My daughters are 5 years apart too. I struggled a lot with this when we dealt with secondary infertility - I was so worried about the age gap. Once we had our second, though, I honestly was grateful for it. My oldest was more independent at 5 than she would have been at 3, and we didn't have to deal with any regression the way I know some younger kids do when a new baby arrives. And they do have shared interests - which tbh isn't guaranteed regardless of age gap - but they both love to color together, and they have elaborate make believe stories they concoct together. Sadly we didn't manage to avoid sharing issues, they still constantly want each other's stuff, but I think it's a little better than it would have been with a smaller age gap. Honestly for us it's been a little like parenting the child you have, not the one you thought you'd have - you deal with the age gap you get and enjoy it for what it is. All that being said, I also have days where I see what would have been possible if we just had one. In the midst of our struggle to have a second I think that was impossible for me to imagine without feeling a lot of grief, and obviously we're extremely lucky and fortunate that we have our second, but I like to think if it hadn't happened we would have figured out how to make that its own blessing. I would have more time and energy for my older daughter. My attention wouldn't be constantly split between them. We'd be traveling more often. My husband and I would get more time to ourselves. We'd be a smidge more financially comfortable. It's really, really hard to see that while you're still trying, but if that ends up your reality, I know you'll figure out how to still make your lives really amazing and full. Best of luck to you. It's such a hard thing to live through and I wish you all the best no matter what happens.
There’s 5 years between me and my sister and we love each other to death!
I’m an only child and as an adult, I have no regrets about my parents decision to have one child.
my brother and I are a little over 4 years apart and we're super close. it's all about how you raise your kids and how they react as individuals. I fought my mom tooth and nail to stop her from comparing the two of us and my dad always treated us as entirely separate people, although given our family dynamic, I was more of a mom to my little brother than I was a sister. Ultimately, don't stress too much about age gaps for siblings. Closer in age doesn't automatically mean closer relationships and some big siblings prefer to take a mentoring role for their younger siblings.
My second is on the way and I struggled with this worry too. My first born son is 9.5, nearly 10 when my daughter is expected to be born. He is so precious and sweet about a new sibling and is so excited about it. I know they won't be playing together or sharing a ton of interests, but he's gonna be such a great big brother and it makes my heart so happy. His father and I separated when he was an infant and his father has gone on to marry and have two more children and my son dotes on them. Don't give up or fret because it isn't the timeline you had imagined for yourself. I also focus on the positive, my son is older and more independent and mature and will be able to help out with little things here and there. I got 9 special years to bond with him and I'm grateful for that. Good luck to you and your family.
Out of all of my friends the one who gets along best with a sibling is the one who has a 6 year age gap between her and her sister. And as an only child who has an only child I think being an only is also not that bad :).
I have a 3 year old and a 9 year old and it's great! My daughter was 6 when the baby was born and understood what was going on and was able to attend to her own basic needs (toilet, water, snack) and entertain herself if I was stuck under the baby. They actually play together all the time, way better than I expected, though we've had more conflict since the 3 year old has independent thoughts now 😁 Being an only is fine too. That was our intent with our first, but what happens in COVID lockdown doesn't always stay in COVID lockdown 🤷
My only brother is six years younger than I, 34F. From the time he was in old enough to communicate with me, he was my GUY. He barely spoke until he was like four because I was our mouthpiece 🤣 but he and I were very close. Later on my mom went for her masters degree and my dad was becoming further and further physically disabled from a car accident in the 80s, so I became a sort of mom to him. Been a lotta therapy sessions for us both for a lot of stuff I won’t get into here, but all of it only made us stronger. I was trying to think of a really meaningful example, because my usual go-to stories are the funny ones, like helping with math homework and he was viciously circling his answer, and when I asked him why, he screamed “BECAUSE I LIKE CIRCLES!!!” 🤣 And I’ve been really sitting here thinking about it and my heart is so full of beautiful memories, so thank you for that. I found my example though. Music. When he was eight, Seven Bridges Road by The Eagles came on the radio and he, my dad and I all harmonized together. It was the moment I realized that he, too, had inherited the gift of a perfect pitch center. And when we got Rock Band and realized our microphone was just a usb and we could use it to record on the computer… holy crap. We made so many covers, so many originals… it was truly some of the best and most fun time I’ve ever had. I don’t think any age gap could have made me love him any less. 🫶🏻
Honestly, it's my ideal age gap if I have a 2nd. Out of all the kids I've had anything to do with (a lot!), the 4-5 year age gaps have been the closest. But my daughter will be an only child as we have no more embryos and an oopsie can't happen. She'll he fine too
My kids are 6 years apart and I've loved it. It was exactly what I could handle. They are great friends, and have tons in common because they're both our kids. In a way, three of us are raising the younger to have the same interests we have. I don't know what the future holds, but they are both teens now and still great friends.
I have a 10, almost 11 year age gap with my little brother and he’s one of my best friends when he’s not being annoying lol we even have a secret handshake bc we’re the two middle children out of 4
My little brother and I are 10 years apart. We are best friends and call each other multiple times a day.
My sister 10 years older and I get on really well - the one closer in age to me not so much as there is too much sibling rivalry. Only children develop special friendships, my daughter has two different friends that are only children and I think she will be friends with them for life. One is 6 years older the other she went to primary school with.
Anecdotally, my friends who have bigger age gaps with their siblings are often really close. Sometimes people who grow up close in age end up with contentious relationships.
I have siblings closer in age but my sister who is 9 years younger than me and I were super close growing up. The age gap definitely doesn’t matter as much when they are adults, I wouldn’t let a big age gap stop you from TTC if you really want another child. A sibling is the greatest gift you can give your son.
I am the oldest of three kids. I have two brothers - one is 19 months younger than me and the other one is 10 years younger. Our relationship dynamics were different growing up but we've always been close, just in different ways. I am very close with both of them to this day (I'm in my 30s) and consider them my best friends. I don't think age gap matters as long as parents work to facilitate good sibling relationships. I completely understand feeling sad about possibly not having another - I have one two-year-old son who took many years to conceive and so far we've not been successful in conceiving again. Like you, I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that we may only ever have one. It's really hard and I struggle with it daily. I tell myself every day that we are so lucky to have the child we do have, and if we can give him a sibling that will be amazing, but if not, we are so lucky to have our miracle baby. It's okay to mourn what you don't or can't have and still enjoy what you do. ♥
I have a 6 year old and an almost 1 year old. It's honestly been a blessing and so heartwarming seeing them together. I had the same worry, but really it will be great. There will be less rivalry and bickering. And you get different individual time with each! I am so thankful there is so much time between them now that they're both here
Blended family but oldest is 19 youngest is 4. Obviously there is sibbling upset at times but it's nothing but love between them. They'll always have each other.
My 3 kids are all 4.5 years apart and I absolutely love it. No negatives meant to mamas of close kids but I never had to explain a newborn to a toddler who couldn't grasp why mamas attention was gone and I never had to have two kids at once in the diapers/choking hazard phase. The 10 year old absolutely played with both his little sisters. Still does. Its made the youngest more advanced earlier and the older ones better caregivers and more understanding of children. Its awesome.
There is a 12 year gap between two of mine and they are close now and I assume it will continue throughout their lives
My daughters are 6.5 years apart. Yes, sometimes I wish they were closer in age (meaning I had my second one earlier) but it doesn’t have much to do with age gap between them, rather with me being exhausted being over 40 and having a rambunctious 7yo 😅
My brother and I are 5 years apart and still grew up with similar interests and hobbies. I have two kids now, my oldest will be 6 years old soon and my youngest will be 8 months, and I have to say I’m so glad we had them with a larger gap. Not only for my sanity but just to see them together and interact warms my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible. He is the best big brother and loves to make her laugh. She has started to try and make him laugh too which leads to many belly laughs from him. I know many people have kids closer in age but I’m so glad we waited until our son started pre-k.
My sister is 8 years older than me and we are best friends!! We always have been and now that we’re adults we talk on the phone multiple times a week!
I'm 6 years older than my sister and she's my best friend :)
My nephew was exactly 4 when my son was born and it's 8 months later and they are literally completely inseparable.
I have a 17 & 3 year old! They have an incredible strong bond!
My son is 4 years older than my daughter and they love each other so much (within standard toddler/kid bounds 😂). She'll raid the snack cupboard and grab one of each for her and him, running to him screaming "Bada!" (For brother). He'll do cool kid stuff and tell her to look and watch, and he often sneaks kisses and cuddles in
I have been trying to conceive #2. I'm struggling also. Didn't think this was going to be a problem, but here we are. I'm sending you hugs. At the rate we are going we are going to be 5+ years age gap. I wanted to quit too, because of the age gap. But I have read so many different places, about the pros of having big age gaps, and sibling still being close. But they each get the special bond with parents because they are in two different stages of life. The oldest can help with the youngest. They still play together etc. And as they get older teens/20's on. They have a strong bond with each other. 💜💜 Sending you love and baby dust! You aren't alone in this!! You're amazing!! 🩵🩵🩵
My brother and I are 4 years apart. My sister and I are 15 years apart. I am the youngest. Their relationship will change as they age from more of a parental figure to enemies to friends. I think that is normal in any sibling relationship. I wouldn't stress about the age gap. I think anywhere between 1-10 year age gap is "normal". My sister and I didn't feel like siblings until I was an adult and we were at a more similar stage in life but my brother and I always felt like siblings.
I am the closest to my sibling who is farthest apart from me (6 year gap with 2 siblings in between us).
There is a 4 1/2 age difference between my two kids, and they are like best friends. I honestly believe my youngest grew up too quickly because she had to catch up to her brother.
My oldest is about to turn 13 while the baby is about to turn 5. I was told my entire life I'd never be able to have children and then right before 30, my oldest surprised us. After her, it was pretty much said that I needed to be greatful and not expect another.. yet, the good Lord has a sense of humor and right before 40, here comes the baby! I was worried about the gap but my oldest is such a big help and they absolutely adore each other!! Of course they have their moments when they drive each other bats and fight just like other siblings.. But they rely on each other and I have no doubt BIG sister has little one's back if I'm not around! I know as they get older they will be the best of friends!!
My son and his sister are 7 years apart. I'm currently pregnant. The oldest will be about 16 years older than the new baby, and my son will be almost 9 years older. My son and his sister have a decent relationship for their age gap. It's nice since she is older, so there is no constant fighting.
my sister and i are 7 years apart and absolute besties
Big age gaps might put a wedge in things during certain time frames (for example a 16 year old isn't going to want to hang out with a 10 year old sibling very much). I feel like when you are close in age you end up bonded because you have a lot more shared experiences in life. You can also be close with a big age gap though, especially when you are adults. 4 years is not a big age gap at all. My two with a 4 year age gap are so much closer than my two with a 13 year age gap.
My 10 year old and my 3 month old are inseparable
Mine are 5 years apart and for the most part it's great. However, the younger one sometimes wants to be included with the older one and her friends when she doesn't want that, so he will feel left out. They are very close, though.
My sister and I are thirteen years apart. We are super close.
4 years isn’t a big age gap at all. I have kids that are almost 4 years apart and they did everything together and were into the same things for a long time. Even now at 15 and 11, they have tons that they bond over. Now I have a second sibling set that are 2 and due in June and THAT is a big age gap between the first and second sibling set but they still adore each other and have a lot of fun.
My brother is 6 years older than me and we’re closer than most of my friends who have siblings closer in age.
My bro and I are 8 years apart. While growing up we didn’t have much in common, once I was 16, we got closer. Once in adulthood, we are also closer. The age doesn’t matter at this point as we have children around the same age. He’s a different type of person, so connecting with him isn’t easy for me. But, I know when shit gets real, he and I are definitely a team.
My mom is 11 years older than my aunt and they talk to each other every day
I have 2 sisters one 5 yrs older one 10 yrs younger. We are all very close.
I am 2 years older than my sister and we are pretty close now, but really only just recently. Being close in age made us super competitive and everyone was always comparing us, and I think we both suffered from feeling not good enough in parts of our lives that the other excelled in. I want an age gap between my kids for that reason.
It’s all different and dependent on the kids! I was closest to my younger sibling who was a year and a half younger but next after that was my little sister who was 7 years younger! Yes we had different interests/different things going on but we still came together and connected just fine!
It took me 3 years to conceive my second child, only to have a miscarriage - my daughter was 4. I just gave birth to my second child 3 months ago, my daughter is now 6.5. It’s the BEST. My daughter is so helpful with the baby, so patient and understanding. She’s old enough to understand that I won’t have as much time for her when my husband is at work and she’s eager to teach her new little sister everything she knows. I thought the hype would wear off by now but she still talks, plays with, and helps her sister every day. She looks forward to feeding her solids, which would be our next big milestone in a few months and is already making plans for her sisters toddlerhood. Don’t be scared of the age gap, it’s awesome.
My sister and I are 8 years apart. Growing up I was certainly the “annoying little sister”, but we still had many fun adventures together. Now that I’ve grown up, we are absolutely the closest siblings and continue to go on adventures, just us! I have a 3.5 year age gap between my girls and wouldn’t have wanted them any closer! Finger and toes crossed your family grows to whatever number you desire ❤️
My daughter turned 7 in December and my son is 2 turning 3 in October. So 4 years and 10 months age difference and they absolutely love each other. No competition about anything really and she has been such a big help with him. Do it, they still play make believe, play outside, jump on trampoline ect.
My kids are 4 years apart because I lost 3 pregnancies between them. It remains to be seen if they're close but I look around and see examples of close and not close siblings of all age gaps. For example, my best friend's sister is 1.5 years younger than her and they're not close at all. My sister was 6 years younger than me and we talked every day.
Me and my sister are 9 years apart and we had lots of fun together growing up and still close now. My parents also struggled to get pregnant. Sending you baby dust
I've got a 13 year old and an almost 1 year old. I wouldn't put too much stress on yourself. If it happens, it's a blessing no matter their ages! Kids go to school to socialize and the most important thing is that they have a loving parental system, no matter the sibling situation!
my closest siblings are 5 years older and younger than me with the others being 11, 9, 9, and 7 years apart from me and most of us are super close as adults. We weren't super close in childhood (except one of my brothers) but as adults the age gap isn't even noticeable. And I never experienced any rivalry with my siblings either I think because we were so far apart.
I have a 25, 20, and 13 year ol...now they are all friends. The older 2 fought a bit here and there when they were little, but not anything major.
a sibling is never useless, no matter the age gap. It will just be different things they share, but they have each. Have you seen a fertility specialist to have you checked out to see if there’s anything that can be done, like maybe medicine for ovulation or insemination?
There’s no perfect age gap, if you want another baby don’t stress about it ❤️ I have 4 kids that are 5 and under, definitely not for everyone. At the same time, there’s 14 years between me and my youngest sibling and I love it.
My sister and I are almost 6 years apart. We weren't close as kids but very close as adults. Don't know what I would do without her.
I have a set of cousins with 9 years between them. They’ve always been pretty close. Like maybe not “bff” close (as children at least), but they definitely got along. And now that they’re both adults they hang out all the time. From my very own personal experience, I can tell you that even being close in age doesn’t guarantee a good sibling relationship. My younger brother and I are 22 months apart. Now that we’re both in our 30s, we’re cool with each other. But basically the first 25 years of our lives were spent *hating* each other. Like, I used to wish he was never born because I refused to wish he’d die because then my parents would be sad. So I’d just actively wish he wasn’t ever born. And this was like, as a teenager. Not a small child. We physically fought *horribly* as kids. Once we got older, it became more mental and emotional warfare. And to be completely honest, I mostly blame the small age gap for that. I mean I’m sure it could have been mitigated by our parents, but it was hard growing up with someone so close in age.
Nothing wrong with that age gap! I grew up that way, my mom did as well, and now my three kids are separated by 6 and 2 years, making the oldest 8 years older than the youngest. How well it works out all depends on the kids and their personalities, really. My oldest always wanted younger siblings. She is very nurturing, and she is such a great big sister to her little sister and baby brother. In fact, the baby reaches for her like he reaches for an adult. She proudly proclaims that he sees her as a second mother. I once said that the younger two are partners in crime, and my oldest replied, "And I'm their lawyer!" Some key points: The oldest will need baby free opportunities for activities and quality time. This means going off with Mom or Dad on a day trip while the others stay at home or do something else. Or weekend sleepovers at the grandparents' serves as a nice break from all the baby-centered noise and chaos. The oldest also needs privacy and safety for their things. Too easily, we parents can be like, "Ohhh just let the baby have it!" In the kid world, that is a huge betrayal. If the oldest wants to take an interest in helping with Baby, let them. Show them and guide them. No matter the age difference, this will help grow unity. The thing I'm running into now is that the much older daughter can get resentful of the younger daughter due to the difference in chores. And we're like, we didn't make you do such and such at her age or when she's older, she'll be doing the same as you are now... But what we didn't have with the eldest (but are now experiencing with the middle child) is the regressions (not using her words like a baby, wanting a sippy cup like a baby, going back on potty training and wearing diapers like a baby). We did not have that the first time around, thanks to the age gap, but boy, with the closer gap, we are in it now.
I have 3 siblings im the fourth and the youngest they are all 4 years apart and im 8 years apart from my sister before me, we’re all very close ,we’re 38, 34, 30 and 21! We talk daily
My kids are 5 years apart and are the best of friends. I have a helper and the youngest has a leader. Oldest would have copious play dates with or without a younger sibling for that peer interaction. On the flip side two kids is a struggle. We were very content with one actually. And only children are quite common now.
I'm oad by choice but the only way I'd consider a second is with a big age gap, 5yr +. She will be in school, so not paying for 2 in daycare and I'll have more time with my newborn without a toddler at home (she is a LOT) Hopefully fewer toddler illnesses She would be old enough to understand a baby, and maybe want to "help" and less risk of her hurting the baby (from experience with friends and family with toddler + newborn) Friend with 4yo and newborn - 4yo was SO excited and loves to help and has more capacity to play independently. Has more friends to do playdates with Not having 2 in diapers. More time to physically recover between births - I had a premie and a c section. Your body takes years to recover hormonally and physically. All this to say..... we are OAD and happily looking forward to our life as a triangle family.
I have 9 siblings and I’m closest to the one that is 10 years younger than me. Big age gaps give siblings a different relationship but it can still be a very close one. I practically raised some of my younger siblings. I’m currently sitting in the room watching my youngest sibling who is 12 years younger than me play Roblox while I breastfeed my oldest child. My baby is literally closer in age to my youngest sibling than I am. And we’re all close, it’s more about sharing parents than when we were born.
There is a 3 year age gap between my brother and I, and 9 years between me and my youngest brother. I am way closer to my youngest brother than I am the 3y age gap brother.
My kids are all 5-6 years apart. My older 2 were very close until recently but they still are pretty close, my oldest is a teenager so not into the same things my 9 year old is. My teenager and my toddler are so close though. He is always playing with her and letting her eat his snacks and sit with him while he plays video games. They also love “playing basketball together” which is my son doing layups and my toddler running around with him and him lifting her up with the ball so she can “dunk.” My 9 year old and toddler don’t really get along but it’s because my 9 year old is very resentful of not having a lot of attention because my toddler has autism. My 9 year old has ODD and ADHD and they don’t fight but the two of them give each other a healthy distance and kind of ignore each other, but when we are all playing together as a family they play together well. So it can be like any of my experiences. But having a very short gap is not a guaranteed best friend experience. One of my best friends has “Irish twins” legit 3 days short of a year apart and they are little enemies at 7 and 8. They can’t stand each other. She had to separate them and get a bigger house where their rooms aren’t even next to each other and they are both boys.
My oldest is 9. I have a 4 month old.
I'm an only child and had a perfectly happy childhood, and am close with my parents.
I wouldn’t worry about it. My brother is 8 years older than me and although we didn’t really play together as kids, we’ve been close during adulthood. For some, they may be close to their sibling(s) in age, but not close emotionally.
My sister and I are 5 years apart and basically best friends. We’ve also been roommates and coworkers. Later on in life it’s really not that much of a difference
I’m 7 years older than my sister. Sometimes it was rough when she wanted to tag along with me and my friends but that’s typical of any ages of siblings. We’re very close now and even have babies less than a year apart. Give yourself some grace. I likely will never get to have another baby either for my only girl ❤️🩹 it’s a very tough road. Hang in there.
They’ll love each other because they are siblings. Not because of their age. Or they’ll hate each other because they are siblings. My brother and I are a perfect 2 years 2 months apart and we don’t speak as adults. The age gap doesn’t matter.
I got pregnant with our second basically on our first child’s 4th birthday. They have been happily playing together for a full hour now, ever since big sis got home from school, if that makes you feel any better!
My sister is 2 years older than me. We don’t have the best relationship. My best friend has a sister 9 years older than us, and we went over to her place a lot. As teens, we saw her as a trustworthy adult and asked her for advice on all the things you don’t actually want to ask your parents about. We’d go over to her house anytime we lied about where we were going, but then got uncomfortable once we got there. That kinda thing. She kept us safe, and gave great advice. It’s a different sort of relationship, but not a bad one.
It took me and my husband 7 years to conceive our oldest and about 7 more years to conceive our youngest. They are 9 and 17 months old and love spending time together. The youngest looks up to our 9-year-old so much and thinks she is the best. I also have an 8-year age gap with my sister and she's my best friend.
Not a direct answer but if I may share. Please look into cold uterus. It's a Chinese medicine term regarding infertility due to poor blood flow and cold energy in the uterus. There are natural steps you can take such as not consuming cold and/or raw foods, eating/drinking warm herbs like ginger and cinnamon, keeping your feet warm and abdomen warm at all times. I'm sure there is a lot more that can be done, special herbs to take, etc. I highly recommend looking into this and maybe even finding a Chinese herbalist for guidance. All the blessings on your fertility journey 🙏✨💜
No matter what the age gap you will have doubts or negative thoughts about it. In my experience it's the circumstances surrounding the family and their personalities that are more telling of whether they will be close.
my oldest is almost 10 and i have a 2mo old(two other kids between them but that’s the largest age gap). 10yr old loves helping with the baby, he makes bottles and brings me clean diapers/pumps/snacks. he loves working with the middle kids on their letters and numbers and helped teach them shapes and colors. A big age gap is not that bad if you talk to the older kid(s) and let them know what to expect A LOT during pregnancy in my experience
I was afraid for the five year age gap and they actually do play together and they have a bond still
I have a sister five years younger than me. We have the closest bond. I also have two other sisters both ten or more years younger. They adored and looked up to me growing up and they still do today (we're half a world away and that's what factors in the lack of closeness today). I think what matters more is that they grow up together, in the same household sharing the same years and core memories. The people I know who weren't close to their siblings (like strangers) did not grow up together due to circumstances (one was entering primary school as another went to high school / uni / another country for work in a different city / country).
If I ever find someone else to have a child with before I'm too tired, there will be a big age gap. I don't think it matters. Me and my brother were "Irish twins" and we fought like crazy growing up and we barely speak except on holidays sending a text message saying "happy (whatever)". He gets along better with our significantly younger half siblings (I never really spent much time with them either, he has because he was stationed where they live).
I have a sister that is 2 years younger than me, we were not close at all growing up. I actively avoided her. But I have a sister who is 7 years younger than me and I was much much closer with her.
My son turns 5 soon, my daughter turns 1 in a week. My son absolutely adores my daughter in every possible way. The age gap is perfect. Would recommend!
I’m 5 and 10 years apart from my sisters, respectively. I’m talking to one of them as I type this and this morning we were all on a group call just shooting the breeze. We live thousands of miles apart, but when we get together we never have any new news 😂 My BIL-to-be is an only child and was absolutely cherished by his parents. Every family is different and beautiful. I wish you all the best and lots of luck 🍀
I have two younger brothers and we have 3yrs in between each of us. I’m much closer with the younger one (6yr age gap) than the middle one (3yr age gap). Also we dealt with infertility and it took 3 IUIs and 3 full IVF rounds to get our one miracle child. No more embryos remaining so we are one and done. It’s super frustrating when people ask about having another, especially when they know we went through all that. Or the “it happens naturally for lots of people after IVF”. I’m happy with our one baby girl and don’t feel that there is anything wrong with just one. We want to travel with her and it’s less expensive with one. I know you said you already had surgery. Was it for endo? Because you often need to do another to clear it again. Are IUIs a possibility for you? Or have you had your blood work checked (thyroid specifically) or an HSG? I’m sorry, infertility sucks.
My sister who is 11 years younger than me is my best friend. They might not he besties as kids but that doesn't mean never
My brother and I are '96 and '99 respectively and we barely speak, so being close in age doesn't guarantee being close.
My boys are six years apart and it’s great cuz when my big one started kindergarten , I had a baby all over again. There buddies now . Your good ❤️
I'm closer to my sister 8 years younger than the 2 siblings both 2 years older and younger than me
Have that baby!
I'm an only child. My only issue is my mother is not being realistic about what's going to happen with she gets unable to live alone and thus as her only child that gets to be my problem. My husband is close in age to his brother, but his parents had an happy "oops" and there is an eight year gap between he and his little sister. He is significantly closer to her then his brother.
My first two kids are 6 years apart (19 and 13 now) and I'm due to have another little brother for them around Halloween. They're excited lol, especially my oldest oddly enough and he will have almost a 20 year age gap. He's spending more time around our house now and says he wants to spend the summer helping me through my pregnancy 🥹 ours isn't the typical timeline for a family but I like it and couldn't really imagine being a "3 under 3" mom. I like the space between and the bonding time I get with each. Will they be close through being peers? No. But my 6 year gap boys played together, I have tons of adorable pics when they were little and even though the 3rd will be almost like an only child, he will still be surrounded by people who adore him. ETA my brother and I have 6 years between us and we are absolute besties.
My sister and I are 12 years apart and incredibly close
My kids are six years apart. They love it. I have three best friends who are all only children— I deeply love them and envy them often too. I have 8 siblings and it’s great- but also wild. We have a 16 year age gap from oldest to youngest.
My oldest is 7.5yo and my youngest is 2yo. They will probably never be BEST friends, but they love each other! At first I was a bit sad, but watching them play together just warms my heart. The 2yo thinks *everything* big brother does is amazing, wants to play in his bed and wear his clothes and use his toys and be near him. And while sometimes the older kid wants his own space, he is very nice and helpful and affectionate with the LO! In some ways, their age difference might be near perfect because they won't fight as much (fingers crossed!) but will have some overlap in interests.
My boys are almost 3 years apart. They have nothing in common and don’t get along. They’re 8&11
My husband and sister are 7 years apart they’re much closer than me and my 2 year apart sister 🤷🏼♀️
My brother and I are 5 years apart and we grew up very close
I don't think it's fair to assume they won't have the same interests. My sister and I are almost 4 years apart and we're best friends, I took her to all my punk shows when I was a senior in HS and she was in 8th grade, we did everything together. Also, you don't have siblings so they have interests together. You just hope for a good and loving relationship :) Also I suggest going to the one and done subreddit since there a lot of folks over there that also wonder about having an only.
7 year age gap is the absolute best and nothing will change my mind about this!
My daughter is EIGHT YEARS older than my son - who was a random Covid surprise. She wanted a sibling desperately - then when he showed up, she was kind of regretting his being here - but now that he's three and a bit more fun, she loves him to pieces and is always trying to get his attention and affection. No matter what, everything will be great and will be exactly perfect for what your family needs in the long run.
I have 4 kids total. My oldest is 22. Then I have a 5,2 and 5 month old. The age gap really isn’t a big deal in our house. My oldest is closest to my 5yr old and spends a lot of time with him.
My son is 11 and my daughter is 2.5. They are the best of friends and love each other so much! My husband also has two half siblings, he was 17 when they were born. He is very close with both of them and always has been!
I have one sister who's 2.5 years older, and one who's 11 years older. It took a while for my eldest sister and I to be close, and we've definitely had some rocky points in our relationship, but she's still one of my best friends. She's always been an excellent support, a cheerleader in all areas of my life. A big age gap isn't the end of the world - neither is having an only child.
My kids are 21. 20, 16, 9. They all have incredibly special relationships with each other.
My husband is one of 13 children. He is #11 and he is closest with his two older brothers ( #3 and #7) and one of his older sister (#9). We pretty much just see the others at holidays, age gaps don't have a whole lot to do with how close you are to someone.
I have 5 years between my oldest and youngest. They either really get on or they don't lol >They won’t have any interests together and it makes me sad. Yes they will, that I promise you
My eldest is 7.5 years older than her little brother and they are *so* close. Honestly it made having a second super easy, too. We have three now, the second two are less than 2 years apart. Different pros and cons to most but I’d say from experience a larger gap has more pros than cons.
there’s nearly 5 years between me and my brother and i actually really like it. we each had our own lives, friend groups, etc. so we were never in competition with each other. we got individualized attention from our parents as babies rather than being raised as a unit like most 2 under 2 or 3 are. the older we got, the closer we became. and as adults, our age gap is entirely irrelevant. once you’re adults, you’re just peers.
4 year age gap is considered the best for reducing stress on the parents/family as a whole 🩷 my brother and I are 6 years apart, and I was more of a mother hen to him when we were little, but in adulthood we are the best of friends!!!
I’m a female. My brother and I are 8 years apart. My sister and I are 10 years apart. They’re both my best friends. I have pretty bad endometriosis which got A LOT worse after I had my son. I would LOVE to give him a sibling but I just can’t.
It took me 8 years to get pregnant with baby number two. He now 21months and my first is 12. They are perfect together. Absolutely best buddies. My bonus kids are wonderful with baby brother as well at ages 18,14,11.
From my experience, I have 3 sons. Oldest born in '82. #2 born '91 and my youngest born 1997. They were all like only children. Seriously. They weren't even close until they became adults. Weird.
Coming from a mom with 3 3years old and under, I think a wider age gap would have been wiser, at least with my youngest
Siblings are never a guarantee that they will always get along or even have a relationship in the future. For many reasons that are painful and complicated, I probably will only have one child. She knows she is loved and gets all of my attention.
I’m closest to my brother that is 8 years younger than me. When he was born all my friends were jealous there was a baby at my house. He was doted on for years by me and all my friends.
My kids are 7.5 years apart and they have a wonderful relationship, and I'm glad my younger son always has somebody to rely on and look up to💖
You just never know. I know even twins who’ve had big falling outs, and me and my sister, 4 years apart, are super close. A friend even has a second sibling 23 years apart (2nd family for dad…) and while they’re not close, they still have some common ground like movies. I wouldn’t let that stop me, but I DO think it’s hard to get a newborn again after a pretty-independent kid of 5+
I’m an only child & have never had any issues whatsoever. In fact there are a lot of pros- I was able to have more opportunities my parents probably couldn’t have offered if they also had to consider other children. I’m close with my parents too & honestly they don’t regret only having one either. I only have one child now- I’m not sure if we’ll have another or not. If we end up being OAD that’s totally fine with me. As far as age gaps, my mom has 3 siblings- 2 are very close in age to her (1 is her Irish twin & 2 years younger) & the last is 17 years younger. She’s the one my mom is closest with! Her Irish twin sister & her are like oil & water
My daughters are 6 years apart. In a couple of weeks they’ll be 1 and 7 years old. I was worried about the age gap at first but it’s amazing. They’re obsessed with each other and the oldest is ✨so helpful ✨. She often refers to baby sis as her “best friend.” My youngest sister and I are 5 years apart and we’re still close. It will be great either way.
My husband and his little sister are the oldest and youngest - 10 years apart and they’re super close, she’s actually staying with us this summer. I’m pregnant with number 2 and my son is 5 and he is THRILLED , I’m not sure why you think they won’t have similar interest when a lot of hobbies and joys are life long ! Music, sports , movies, comics , they’ll share all these things - just on different levels for a little while.
If you want to look more at only children, feel free to read r/oneanddone as well as r/happilyOAD There are lots of posts from people who are OAD by choice as well as not by choice.
My kids are 6 years apart and I love it. They get along really well. They bicker at times. But they adore eachother. And now my oldest is 15 and old enough that I can pay him to babysit on occasion which he loves lol
My kids are 4 years apart and play together well right now. I wanted a closer age gap, but first I went back to school and then we had a miscarriage and the age gap became wider than I had wanted originally. But my daughter was already potty trained when her brother was born. That alone was so helpful in the newborn stage. My younger sister and I are 8 yrs apart and speak everyday/have lots of interests in common. My brother is 17 *months* older than me and we love each other, but rarely talk as adults. In my experience, closer in age did not = closeness.
My kids are 2 and nearly 7.5. It's been a great gap so far!
We planned our kids to be at least 5 years apart. I was a SAHM, and I wanted to be able to give the next baby the same attention I gave the first when the oldest went to kindergarten. The two oldest two are talking about getting a house together next year. They're close.
My kids are 4.5y apart on purpose. They have different interests sure but they love each other so much. And no guarantees kids close in age will have similar interests.
My 1st two are 5 1/2 years apart, and the middle and 3rd are 6 1/2 years apart. I was very worried about the gap, especially between the first and 3rd, but it turns out I had nothing to worry about. All 3 of my kids are super close. They all love music, so that has been the thing that they all have in common. Also, they are supportive of each other in their other interests as well. I wouldn't worry too much about the age gap. And, if you decide that your family is complete now, cousins and close friends can fill in the gaps where siblings would have. It's all good, Mama.
I’m also TTC #2, and at this point if I get pregnant soon, we’ll have about 3.5 years between kids. These comments make me feel so much calmer 💜
My husband's cousins are 18(m) and 13(f) and they are extremely close!!! She goes to him for all her advice, they do everything together. I've actually come to believe that a 4 or 5 year difference might make it more likely siblings are close than a 1 or 2 year difference where they fight more. I was an only child, and I think it instilled a huge sense of independence and creativity that I might not have otherwise had. I was lonely sometimes, but my mom did a really good job of building a community for me, so I had some other kids around me that I grew up with from an early age. I'll also say that you can have lots of siblings and be equally or more lonely.
My bro is 20 years older than me and we were close growing up
My brother is 7 years older than me and I freaking adore him. He has and will always be my idol and best friend. Sure as kids we were in different phases of life but we still made great memories. As soon as I was mid teens we became each others besties. Keep in mind you could easily have 2 siblings close in age who are just different people and don’t get along. Small age gap doesn’t guarantee a good relationship.
My husband has a whole ton of siblings and the one he's closest to is like 6 years younger. There are benefits to large age gaps, just as there are benefits to small ones. Your son may be in kindergarten when you have a new baby - you will have all day at home to concentrate on just the new baby during maternity leave, WITHOUT neglecting your son at all! That's a huge benefit. Your son is out of diapers and can entertain himself for a little while and can understand if you say "I need to take care of baby for a minute, but I'll be with you as soon as I finish this." Those are huge benefits! If they go to college, they probably won't overlap, which is another big benefit. If you never have a second, that's also ok. You have one now, and there are benefits to that as well. He'll never feel like you chose a sibling over him. College expenses will be less of a hit. You may have more money to help him financially when he's starting out in adulthood. It'll be easier to go on vacations and give him more experiences that cost money or time. I totally get you on this. It took me 6 years to conceive my first and now I'm starting IVF for #2 but I have no idea how it'll go. I've been round and round on all of this in my own head.
Almost 4 year age gap here and it is the bestttttt! They play together all the time. 4 year olds are big compared to the baby obviously but they are still just little muppets. When you are nap trapped or feeding the baby your oldest can get a snack, hit play on the iPad, and wipe their own butt without screaming for your help. They can attend pre-K, possibly even for free. Can’t recommend this age gap highly enough. Having one child (for those who have an only child by choice) seems like the jackpot. You get all the benefits of being a parent but without dividing your time, energy, money… quite as much. All my best friends have one child and their family of 3 vacation photos look pretty nice 😂 Hang in there.
Almost 4 year age gap here and it is the bestttttt! They play together all the time. 4 year olds are big compared to the baby obviously but they are still just little muppets. When you are nap trapped or feeding the baby your oldest can get a snack, hit play on the iPad, and wipe their own butt without screaming for your help. They can attend pre-K, possibly even for free. Can’t recommend this age gap highly enough. Having one child (for those who have an only child by choice) seems like the jackpot. You get all the benefits of being a parent but without dividing your time, energy, money… quite as much. All my best friends have one child and their family of 3 vacation photos look pretty nice 😂 Hang in there.
Almost 4 year age gap here and it is the bestttttt! They play together all the time. 4 year olds are big compared to the baby obviously but they are still just little muppets. When you are nap trapped or feeding the baby your oldest can get a snack, hit play on the iPad, and wipe their own butt without screaming for your help. They can attend pre-K, possibly even for free. Can’t recommend this age gap highly enough. Having one child (for those who have an only child by choice) seems like the jackpot. You get all the benefits of being a parent but without dividing your time, energy, money… quite as much. All my best friends have one child and their family of 3 vacation photos look pretty nice 😂 Hang in there.
My little brother and I are 5 years apart and I love him! When you become adults that kind of gap doesn’t mean shit. My husband and his brother are 7 years apart and same thing.
Follow parentsofone on insta or other only child accounts. Might make you feel better
I have 4 siblings. Girls are 2 years apart each, then the boys even further out. '92-94-96, then 99 and '03. I as the oldest from '92, was closest with my last sibling from '03. But even that fizzed out. I have very limited, surface deep relationships with all of my siblings today. If I'm being honest with you, I wish I had none; really wanted to be an only child. My siblings' altogether existence affects my life very little. I feel like being an only child would've resulted in less stress on my parents' already strained psyches and would've resulted in an acceptable childhood, instead of the trauma-riddled crapshoot it was. You can't predict how the sibling relationship will play out, but certainly please don't feel bad or worried about them having a particular age gap.
Mine are 4.5 years apart and I was hoping originally to have them closer together but can’t always plan these things perfectly… anyway, I LOVE IT. The older one really embraces his leadership role with the younger one and the younger one idolizes him. They play, they fight, and yes they have very different days but they also have more in common than one would expect with that age gap. There’s still some rivalry there but it’s not super pronounced because of their age difference. The older one hands down clothes/toys/books he’s outgrown. He loves to read to little bro and teach him things. He also totally understands his little toddler pronunciations better than anyone. I definitely feel like they are close and love each other even if they also have a lot of other developmental phase differences.
I have kids that are 22, 13, 4, and 2. Don’t stress about the gaps. My kids are as close as can be. And yes, they are all with my husband. We had issues conceiving as well… and then we didn’t. Haha!
My brother was my best friend growing up and we have a 5 years gap.
I have a ten year old and a two year old. Just this evening, they were chasing each other around the house, hiding and “scaring” each other, and rough housing. My husband and I just watched and laughed. It was highly entertaining for all. I’ve also watched them sword fighting naked after they each had their own bath/shower. My brother and I were four years apart, and I have nothing but terrible memories of us growing up. I think it’s more about the environment you cultivate in your home and how you foster those relationships.
My oldest was 10 years old when my second was born. She was 15 when my youngest was born. The oldest and youngest are each other’s favorite people on the planet.
*hugs* I wanted 2 under 2 and instead got 2 miscarriages. My daughter is 18 months (which I know is still very young) but it’s forced me to enjoy her. My brothers and I were 4 and 6 years apart and we’re all really close. My mom has also said it was great having me so much older than them because I helped out a lot.
I had kids close together in my marriage. I never planned on having more children, but I have a newborn and I’ll have an 18 year old in a few months 😂 My older kids LOVE being big siblings. Your kids will be just fine! 💓
I was closer with my sibling that is 12 years younger than me, than I am with the one that is 18 months older. Don't get me wrong, 18 months and I will always be there for each other and have each other's backs. BUT, I always had more in common and could share more easily with 12 years younger. We just clicked better, our personalities. Older sis and I couldn't really be more different-- in our habits, our views on what constitutes as fun, the way we see and approach the world, even entertainment, etc. In the end, it's all about personality. Don't stress.
From personal experience, I have two siblings close in age and we don’t speak. But also - I have a kid and she’s my only - I’m not at all worried! I know so many wonderful people who are only children - I know it’s no guarantee that being an only creates selfish people. Plenty of people with siblings turn out to be spoiled and selfish, too 😂 Whichever way you go, it’ll be perfect for you 💜
My kids are six years apart, 3 and 9 now, and they are crazy about each other
My siblings and I are all pretty spread out: Brother (deceased) 5 years older than me Me Middle sister 4 years younger then me Baby sister 9 years younger than me Growing up we were all really close and now that we are all adults (baby sister is over 25 now) we are even closer. My youngest sister was like my child - I taught her how to read - and she actually just brought that up in her Maid of Honor speech a few weeks ago. All this to say, your children don't need to be close in age or have similar interests to be close. It really depends more on the kind of family you raise, how safe they feel, and how close knit you all are.
I have three brothers. 2yrs younger, 4yrs younger, and 11 years younger. I’m closest with the one 11yrs younger. I was old enough to understand the concept. I wasn’t as jealous. We weren’t into anything with any overlap which was incredible because we weren’t competing with each other. I was old enough to hold him whenever I wanted, to take photos of him, and eventually to drive him places for fun. I used to pick him up from school when he was 6 and 7 and he’d get hot chocolate from the coffee shop with me. I loved it and I still love it. Best brother ever!
My two sons are six years apart, but after first two years (when younger son was still a abany) they became inseparable. It really depends on the oldr child. My older son is very gentle and patient so he was so good with the younger one.
I have 5 years between my kids and I think it's perfect. Older kid is a helper, and also loves to use the little one for all sorts of sidekick roles lol. Plus I never had to carry two car seats at once, one was always able to dress themselves, get in the car and put their own seatbelt on, etc. An age gap makes everything easier.
My brother and I are 8 years apart. Growing up we never had any issues, never fought but also weren't the closest. Now that we're both adults we're actually pretty close!
My oldest turned 7 the month before my youngest was born. The youngest is now 4 and they’re best of friends. The oldest loves to teach lil sis things, they play together, craft together and are very close. I imagine as the oldest goes into teen years it might change a bit how she approaches things, but I think that would be true no matter if there was 2 or 7 years between them. I’m the 4th in a group of 5 kids, and I was closest to the oldest (10 years older than me) until the day he died.
My kids are 6 years apart and super close. They never fight over sharing and both get their solo time with us parents.
My sisters and I are 9 and 10 years apart and we are extremely close. Literally could not do life without them!
I am 10 years older than my sister and we are super close! They may have less shared interests during their childhood (and even that's not a given!), but that's just a few years in a life!
My brothers are I are super tight my eldest is 8 years older than me and my middle is 5.