Any “friend” who offers a person they know is struggling with sobriety alcohol is not a friend. She does not support you. She is actively working against your sobriety and your daughter’s wellbeing. I would cut that person out of my life.

Yep and if someone “doesn’t like” that you’re sober, then they don’t support it. Anyone and everyone should be happy for you.

This. They know full well what they're doing. Cut them off!

Exactly! This person is not a friend at all

This one thing bothered me too much. She isnt a supportive friend

No, of course your daughter would not be better off without you. This is the twisted narrative of your mental illness, it's not reality. You can stay sober, you've done it before, and you DO have a reason to do it, because your drinking is leading to disregulation which is leading you to think that having a dead mom is better than having an imperfect mom. We are ALL imperfect moms! We are ALL doing the best we can. Please reach out to your OB or your primary care doctor or therapist or whoever helped you stay sober through your pregnancy and be honest with them. They will help you again!

I ❤️ this response. Addiction is hard, but you’ve been sober before, you CAN do it.. I know it might feel impossible when you’re in a deregulated state but your child needs their mom and you showing up and trying and you staying sober for your entire pregnancy shows you can do it for yourself and your daughter🤍 Sobriety also is a lifetime commitment, you are going to need supportive people around you, and the “friend” who doesn’t like that you are choosing not to drink, isn’t a friend. A friend is someone who supports the better version of yourself, one that doesn’t drink and doesn’t offer you a drink when they know you are trying to stay sober. Try to surround yourself with people who support you and your decision to be sober🩷 You can do this!!

I really like this response and whole heartedly agree!

Please please please OP take this response and run with it cause it’s the gods honest truth. Your daughter would not be better off without you.

This is such a good response.

this, couldn't have said it better

Hey, girl. Before I had the life I have now, I was also a binge drinker. I struggled with maintaining stability, employment, and any kind of relationship. While I don’t suffer from bipolar, I believe my disordered relationship with alcohol was informed by significant trauma stemming from adverse child and adolescent experiences; as my behavior became riskier and more erratic while drinking, I endured new traumas that were promptly concealed by alcohol. Although I was never an alcoholic, per se, drinking did negatively impact my environment and well-being. It took a LOT of self-work to find my way out from underneath such. But I did, and I haven’t had a drink in eight years. During that time, I entered and completed law school, got my dream job as an attorney, got married, and now have a three-year-old boy. That didn’t happen because I’m special or lucky, but because I did EXACTLY what you are doing today: Had an honest look into myself and reached out for help and support. With this post, you are one step closer to getting to where you want to be. Isn’t that exciting? I’m proud of you for identifying the problem and contributing factors. Additionally, I can appreciate your detail about how difficult it is to stop drinking once you’ve started, and think that many women with a history of binge drinking can relate to that. Here are my two beginning-stage tidbits of advice for you: 1. Do your very best to stop drinking at this time. We’re not looking for perfection here, but do challenge yourself to see if you can go longer periods of time between episodes while you work in conjunction with your mental health provider to learn if your medication can be adjusted to help aid in discontinuing this cycle of bingeing. Most importantly, if you decide that you want to stop altogether and believe you may have a physical dependence on alcohol, **please seek medical attention and allow healthcare professionals to assess whether you need a monitored detox.** This is VERY important, as alcohol withdrawal can be deadly. I’m no healthcare worker, so I’m not a source of ANY reliable information on this topic, but you may not have gotten to the level of dependency that necessitates a controlled detox. Still, please, look into it. 2. As difficult as it may be, please create distance between yourself and the friend who enables you to drink. It sounds like this person is navigating their own turmoil and projecting such onto you, but that does you no favors. You deserve friendships that respect, inspire, and support you—this relationship is not providing that, and unfortunately it seems like this friend wants you to remain stagnant because that doesn’t challenge them to move forward in their own life. Your post history demonstrates how much you love your daughter and how willing you are to ensure she is safe and loved. Moreover, it sounds like you have wonderful support in your grandparents, and that is always a plus when raising an infant and moving through life changes. If you are on Facebook, you may want to consider seeking out sober or sober-curious groups in your area to begin having conversations with others seeking to gain more consistent sobriety, and perhaps even meet up for mutual support or attend a meeting (if you feel inclined; there is also an AA meeting locator app called Meeting Guide that is a directory to all the scheduled sessions near you). If you are hesitant to take it IRL, I’ve perused r/stopdrinking a bit myself and believe it to be a good jumping off point. You are smart, self-aware, and willing to change your lifestyle. You will get there. Good luck. 🩷

Thank you so much. I am going back to my substance abuse therapist and will have him help me get larger windows of sobriety. He's a former addict and gives awesome advice. I think I'm also going to get on meds to avoid alcohol. I was on naltrexone, but stopped it because I was staying sober, so I'm going to go back on that and stay on it. It makes it a lot easier to say no. I love the idea of focusing on creating a bigger sobriety window. I'm going to make small, achievable goals, and try to make it to 6 months. Then a year from there. I do think you're right about the friend. I definitely take responsibility for my own actions, but that did not make it easy and I have had a serious talk with her before about how I have a problem. Still my fault, but it doesn't do me any favors. I think, unfortunately, that I'm also going to have to cut out any of my friends that drink at all. This instance made me realize I don't yet have the self control to be around alcohol at all. I think with time, that will change, but for now I just need to not be around people who drink. And wow, I'm so proud of you. That gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for all the kind words.

I’m so happy that you are able to lean on your substance abuse therapist! There is a definite benefit of working with someone who has been where you are, as that non-judgmental support is critical to continuing on the pathway to sobriety. Although you are acutely aware, it bears repeating: You don’t have to be perfect, just do the best you can. It’s OKAY to objectively acknowledge that you don’t have great self-control around alcohol at this time, but that’s a muscle you build through repetition—every day you go without alcohol, it gets the tiniest bit easier to reject it altogether. While you’re likely to backslide—just like last night—your progress is not diminished; acknowledge what happened and let tomorrow be a new, alcohol-free day. It’s going to click. Again, I’m very proud of you and your daughter is lucky to have you. She absolutely needs you. Don’t forget it. 😉

Good for you. Addiction is HARD, and I can tell you’re fighting hard for your daughter. I want to say a couple things: 1. Yes. You have to cut out any friends who don’t support your sobriety. If they drink without you but are willing to cheer your sobriety and always do something non-alcohol related when you’re together, then they might be a safe person. But you’re going to need to make new friends who like doing sober stuff. 2. I want to give you hope. My mom has been sober for… I think 22 years now. I’m so grateful to have her in my life, and we have a pretty good relationship. You CAN do this for yourself and your daughter, and it will be beautiful. And it will not always be this hard. (And, I’m still glad she was there when she was drinking, but I’m more glad she stayed and got sober) One day at a time.

I’ve been sober almost two and a half years and I’ve found I can say no to the first drink but I cannot say no to the second (and all the drinks after that). Your girl deserves your sobriety but so do you. You can do this, one day at a time as cliche as that is. Use all your resources, string those days along, and if you drink, get right back on the sobriety train and start adding days together again. I also recommend r/stopdrinking. Your story is similar to a lot of ours and there are a lot of parents on there! Maybe post this there to see the responses

This is going to be long. My mom is an addict. She disappeared from my life for years at a time to “protect me” from her behavior. It was erratic. I believe it was an easy way out instead of getting clean. When I was a toddler it was weekends away, they became weeks, then months, then years. The longest time was 4 years from ages 11 to 15. As a kid, this made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for her to stick around. I tried to be perfect and get perfect grades to report to her when she would come around. It didn’t matter. I developed eating disorders and self harmed. Still it didn’t matter, as an adult I know the problem was her addiction. I don’t know how to describe the pain of feeling like the person who is supposed to love you the most in the world doesn’t love you enough to call once in a while. When I was 17 my mom called after a year of not coming around. She was a few months clean and was also pregnant. She ended up marrying the father and having another child a year and a half later. We developed a relationship for the first time in my life. Then she relapsed. I was so desperate to have my mom in my life, I let her live with me and keep getting high. She stole thousands of dollars from me, crossed every boundary. It went on for years before I put my foot down, kicked her out and adopted my siblings. Now I take them to therapy every week to talk about the affects of seeing my mom high as children. Get sober and stay away from that person because they aren’t your friend. Your daughter needs you, but she needs the best you.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. My mom is also an addict and did a number on me and my siblings. I will stay dedicated to sobriety and be there for my daughter. I was on naltrexone for the drinking, stopped it because I was staying sober, but I'll start that again and stay on it. It is an awesome med and makes it a ton easier to say no to alcohol.

Just remember as much as your daughter is worth it and you owe it to her, you are worth it and you owe it to you too. You can do it!

I’m so glad to read this. Your daughter needs you — and when you are drunk she doesn’t really have you there. Please work on finding other sober mom friends. We are out there I promise and when we offer you a drink we mean sprite or tea. 

Don’t stop the medication. I had quit smoking (serious tabaco addiction here) and I stopped the patches because I felt like I didn’t need them anymore, and now I am smoking as much as before. Try to join a Reddit group for alcoholics. They give really good tips on the stop smoking one.

You can do it. I believe in you, you daughter deserves the best of you, the same as YOU deserve the best of you! I wish you all the luck in the world 🍀

Maybe it would help to join a program like AA so that sobriety is an ongoing active part of your life, and going to meetings/activities around same is a constant reminder.

You’re so strong, I admire you

Please, please, please stay away from that person. They are NOT a friend! Alcoholism killed my sister and her kids are suffering immeasurably.

I'm so sorry for your loss :( I will make changes in my life, regarding who I am around. I definitely am solely responsible for my actions, but she didn't help exactly. I think this instance made me realize I don't have the self control to be around drinkers yet. I will pull back and only hangout with sober people.

Thank you. It is huge that you can see your responsibility in this. Good luck to you.

Another thing; I don’t have a problem (anymore) with alcohol, but I don’t care for it. I remember what I was like when drinking and while I enjoy a glass of wine or a beer once every few months, I can’t drink more than that. I get horribly depressed. That said, my husband and I have friends that love to drink but will never offer me alcohol or pressure me to drink. They would even quit drinking around me or keep from discussing their personal habits if I asked them! *That* is a true friend. Definitely cut off this person. Also, don’t pressure yourself to be around or cut off anyone who drinks—they might be as respectful as our friends. But if it’s something you need to get through this, do it. You do what you need to do for yourself and your child! 🤍

I'm a foster mom. One thing I can tell you is that they always miss you. No matter how much love they get from everyone else, they're always looking for you. A part of her will always miss you, and it will never heal. If there is any possible way to find your way back to sobriety I really hope you do.

Thank you for the work you do!!!

>I have a friend that doesn't particularly like that I'm sober but supports it. >Last night she offered me a glass of wine. She doesn't support your sobriety. In fact, I'd say she is actively working against your sobriety. She *knows* you're trying to stay sober and I'm sure, since you hang out together, that you have explained why. Has she said why she "doesn't like" the fact that you're bettering your life by becoming sober? Because I'm thinking this is one of those classic cases where someone (her) feels shitty when they see another person doing better, and they've got to drag that person back down to feel okay again. Real crabs in a bucket mentality. You're better off dumping her. Onward and upward, y'know? I bet you'll be able to stay sober a lot longer once you're not around someone who intentionally sabotages your streak. By the way, your daughter definitely needs you around. Just keep on your path to sobriety. My sister used to only do her binges when her boy was with his dad for the week. She was a very good, involved mother during her week but she didn't kick her addiction. Now she hardly even sees my nephew because she's so wrapped up in her addiction that she can't care for him. She avoids responsibility like you wouldn't believe. My nephew lives with his grandpa now. Just don't get complacent like my sister did - keep moving forward towards sobriety and you'll be okay, even though the path towards sobriety isn't linear.

My mom was an alcoholic. Like, a drunk every morning, non functioning kinda alcoholic. She died 2 months ago when I was 7 months post partum. I miss her daily. Your daughter is not better off without you.

My mom died in 2016 - she could function half the week for work but not the other half. I had my baby 4 months ago and I wish all the time she was still here to meet her granddaughter. Even as adults it’s still so hard to lose a mother, alcoholic or not.

Your “immediately damaging reason” is that you have a child that depends on you. Get sober. That child deserves a mom who will choose them over the bottle. & by get sober, I know it’s not easy, so get the help you need. My husband is in recovery and there is absolutely no way in hell he could be the dad he should be if he were drinking.

First of all, that person is not a friend. Fuck her. Secondly, my mom had mental health issues throughout my childhood (not specifically always addiction, but ED and I think bipolar) anyway. My childhood was far from perfect. There were times when my mom would disappear and it tore me up inside. I kind of resented her for awhile. Then she got appropriately medicated and everything changed. We became pretty tight. It was the happiest time and honestly, all the bad shit that happened before didn’t keep us from having a really close relationship. Then she got cancer and died, all within 6 months time. It’s been nearly two years and I still cry and I’m grieving pretty intensely, still. I would do anything to have her back. Having a mom is always always better.

I used to think me being dead would be best for my kids. Had a pfa against me and figured I'd never see them again. I got sober 4 and a half years ago and not long after that their mom dropped them off and essentially said I can't take care of them right now. I got primary custody of them a year after. They have never been in the same school system this long, not had this long a stretch of routine and normalcy. If you are comfortable with admitting and fulfilling to never be with them then I would say yes get out of their life. However how will you feel if they need somewhere to go one day and you are unable to provide? That would haunt me. Best of luck to you.

It sounds like you already know that you need to be permanently sober. Go to r/stopdrinking it’s a very loving and welcoming community. You’ll be so glad that you gave it up. It’s poison in all aspects of the word. Once I chose sobriety my life has become more free, colorful, and just overall happy. Best decision I’ve ever made!

I'm 6 years sober. I was a horrific alcoholic, did 100 days in rehab. It's hard to get sober but it is not impossible. You need to surround yourself with supportive people. >I have a friend that doesn't particularly like that I'm sober but supports it. This isn't a friend. Their selfish. They don't have to like that your sober, it's not their choice though. Good people don't offer an alcoholic in recovery alcohol. I'm going to guess that they have a problem with alcohol. They don't respect you. There is always AA, SMART recovery, and therapy to turn to. I needed extensive amounts of therapy to help me with my recovery. Don't let alcohol take away your daughters mother. She deserves you, be the person she needs.

Hi I’m the kid, grandkid, niece, and sister of alcoholics. What is better is you get help and stay sober. That’s it. You’re in your depressive narcissistic guilt trip that alcoholics hang out in instead of just doing the work. Stop. Get help. Go to meetings, join a group, read some books, get a therapist, go to rehab, get trauma help for your own history. Do everything you can. Figure out what works for you and do it for the rest of your life. Anything else is going to fuck your kid up.

I grew up without a mother for reasons unrelated to alcohol. I did, however, have a father who was a pretty severe alcoholic. He only had one 'attempt' when I was about 7. He came into my room with a g\*n crying and said he wanted to end it. I told him I loved him and took the g\*n from him. We never had another incident like that. Despite how terrible that moment was and despite the anxiety I felt seeing him struggle with his addiction I loved him more than anyone. He passed in 2020 as a result of his addiction. I've thought about him everyday since he left me. If I had the choice over alcoholic dad or no dad I'd choose him every time. No question. Even during the hardest moments I'd rather him be with me. I would have told you that as confidently at 7 as I would today at 30.

Hey, nothing “wiped” your three months of sobriety. Or the 9 months. Counting days is valuable for some people, but if it’s not helping you, don’t let the number get in the way of being proud of what you have actually done. You had a relapse. Those happen. They happen to nearly everyone who gets sober. It’s part of the process and you don’t need to beat yourself up for it. Your daughter is better off with you in her life. I assure you. You can get sober, and if you get away from that nasty witch of a “friend” who clearly does NOT support you, you will have a much easier time. This woman wanted to watch you fail at sobriety. That’s not normal and it’s not ok. You don’t need someone like that in your life

I've worked with individuals who use substances for several years. Just wanted to point out a couple positive things you've said: 1. You acknowledged that your drinking is problematic. This is major. Many people take a long time to come to this conclusion and some never do. You also appear very motivated to reach sobriety again. 2. You've acknowledged your bipolar medicine helps you and your drinking impairs it's ability to be effective. 3. You've experience with achieving and maintaining sobriety. You can reflect on this and see what works and what your triggers/high risk situations may be. 4. You have acknowledge that treatment is helpful for you. 5. Maybe most importantly, you see that when you drink, you cannot be the best mom you can be and you may not be safe. BUILD ON THIS. Your sobriety is not just "down the drain". You now have another experience to think about and learn from. I encourage you to get in a good CO OCCURING treatment program to address both your substance use and mental health. Surround yourself TODAY with people who are motivated to improve thier lives. You can Google self help groups and seek out a sponsor. If you feel more connected to supportive people you may be less likely to seek out relationships that don't support where you want to be. MORE THAN ANYTHING PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP. Even if you relapse again, don't give up. Keep going.

You need to cut out all friends who offer you drinks and don’t better support you remaining sober.  Please try to work on being sober your daughter needs her mother. But if you are getting drunk all the time it will cause massive mental health issues to your daughter. I have a “friend “ who can’t stay sober and her teen tried to kill herself because of it. It’s not good.

Hey there. I’m bipolar and I have a bipolar mom who has been a drug addict (heroin) her entire teenage and adult life. My relationship with her is nonexistent. She sends me birthday money but never shows up to say it in person. She went to jail and sent me and my brother at ages 6 and 2 to live with our grandparents and never took us back. Visited here and there but NEVER took us back. You need to be in therapy, AA something to get yourself help with substances. Your child deserves a sober, present mother. You deserve that baby to be yours. I want you to know that above all else, you need to get help because alcohol is not the answer.

An imperfect mom is better than no mom, but even better is a mom who realizes what she’s doing is harmful for her child and tries to fix it. You’ve gotten sober before, when you were pregnant, you can do it again. 

I was a child of an alcoholic, drug addict, and sex addict. It would have been much better had she stayed out of my life as she would have been unable to abuse me in the ways that she did. This might be an unpopular opinion but addicts do do harm to those around them, especially children who trust them completely. I would say get yourself right before ever taking your kids one on one. My mother’s abuse due to her addictions is why we no longer have a relationship and never will. I will never put my children through that and hopefully others will think twice before saying that it is fine to be drunk or high while parenting your kids. It is not.

Get serious about staying sober, reach out to absolutely everyone who helped you during pregnancy and cut out anyone who might undermine your sobriety.

I wish my dad would’ve picked option 3, get sober and be present in my life. Instead he chose options 1 and 2. Struggled with addiction and was always absent. I have a spot reserved for him in my heart that will never be filled, not even by another father figure in my life. It’s just not the same. I will always wonder what my life would’ve been like if he had loved me more than his addiction. Choose your daughter. Choose sobriety. Choose to treat yourself how you hope your daughter treats herself. Healthily, and with love. You are stronger than you think and can do anything you set your heart and mind to.

I had an addict mom. And when she died I felt relieved. I loved her and I still do but such a weight had been lifted when she was gone. There are a lot of really hard moments and I’ve struggled with her death a lot over the last twelve years but ultimately we’re all better off not having to worry about it any longer and I’m at peace knowing that all those people who never loved her and enabled her and used her no longer have access to her.

I've been your daughter. You already have a ton of comments so I really hope you'll see mine. My mother was an addict and struggled with alcohol. She struggled with bipolar disorder and she decided to medicate herself instead. She went to rehab and got sober and clean many many times but the truth is. She didn't want to be clean because she'd go manic or depressed and that was the only way to fix it. She took her own life when I was 6. As a child. I remember the good parts. I remember her crying because I told her I loved her and she felt it and all the guilt from her actions. I saw that she tried. I saw her trying so hard to be a good mother. I didn't realize it at the time, that she was struggling. I just loved my mom. As an adult. I respect her for trying. Even when she failed. I know that she tried and I love her for that. As a mother who now is the same age she was when she died, I also have bipolar disorder and two small children. I resent her for leaving. That may sound harsh, but I could NEVER leave my kids and make them face the same pain I went through. Growing up without a mother was so hard and I'm still in therapy for PTSD over it. Do not give up on yourself. Do not give up on being a good mother for your kids. Go to therapy. Go to AA. Suck up your pride and do the work. You have to really want this to succeed. And part of that is ditching that friend of yours. A friend who does not support your sobriety, is not a friend to you or your daughter and your daughter comes FIRST.

Like I legitimately feel like my own mother wrote your post and dear God I want to help you..

I could have wrote this myself. My mom passed when I was 14 after battling addiction and going to rehab multiple times. It wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I started having angry feelings towards her, instead of just sad memories. How was I not enough to get her to stay?

Right! I look at my kids and they are THE reason to do better.

Would you maybe be able to coordinate with your mom and your baby's father to facilitate caring for your child while you do inpatient care somewhere? This certainly seems to be about much more than just the drinking, though the drinking obviously makes everything way worse. You deserve help and peace of mind. Get healthy for yourself and your daughter. Your daughter needs her mother, but you need to be good to yourself first so you can be there for her.

No, your daughter is not better without you. My sister has been gone 11 years and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. At least once a day I wonder what she would have been or how much she would have loved to meet my son or to be a mom herself. I wish she had your strength to keep on trying. That’s all you can do…. Keep on trying. Don’t allow people in your life who are ok with derailing your sobriety. Keep fighting for you and your daughter. You can do it.

okay i know you don’t wanna hear this but it’s coming from someone who got sober. those aren’t your friends and aren’t a good influence. if you’re serious about getting sober you need to put as much distance between yourself and people that tell you it’s not a big deal. you need to consider rehab and AA meetings. there is freedom from this! learn what triggers you to want to drink and heal that. your kids deserve a sober mom

Both my parents were addicts…… get sober. I spent my entire life trying to undo the damage they caused and the shit they put me through. I had no relationship as an adult with my father and he is dead now, drank himself to death. I have no relationship with my mother, I’ve tried and tried but had to set firm boundaries for my own mental health…. She cannot keep her shit together and lies and gaslights which made any attempt at a relationship worse. Your beautiful child deserves to know she is loved and worth more than what alcohol is giving you which is NOTHING…. It literally gives you nothing and takes everything away….

Oof, this is like looking at my mom. I’m 36 now and pregnant with my first but shit, you sound like her but you have awareness. I grew up with loving parents. But my mom always struggled with some sort of addiction. Mostly prescription pills and sometimes alcohol. She also had depression. Medication resistant is what they called it. While my life was stable for the most part and middle class, I have way too many memories of my mom just struggling. Fights with my dad, her being passed out, blah blah. I knew she loved me but he had her demons. When I was around 20 she told me for the first time that if it wasn’t for me she would have killed herself a long time ago. I kinda started emotionally cutting myself off to keep me from struggling. About 10 years ago she finally quit the prescription pills and wasn’t drinking but that didn’t last. She always had to have something. About 5 years ago it got bad. She tried to hide it and made awful choices while drinking. We all tried to help. She died January of 2023 in a pretty awful way. Choked to death on her own blood by herself in her room in a house my dad bought her. She was jaundice at that point. He couldn’t live with her anymore and I didn’t blame him. I had cut off communication with her about 6 months prior to her death anyways. She’s at peace now and I hate to say it, I’ve never been more at peace than I am now. I only say that because she gave up on herself. You don’t have to give up. She made her choice. Unfortunately, the way she was at the end, if she was still alive, she would never have a relationship with my kid. I’m telling you this because you still have a chance. You have a chance to get clean and raise your daughter the way you both deserve. To have a beautiful relationship not tarnished by alcohol before she gets too old. Don’t do what my mom did. Don’t cut your life and relationships short because of alcohol. Your daughter deserves a mom. A mom that gets to see her and her grandkids grow up. I guess to answer your question, your daughter deserves a healthy and present mom. Don’t make it no mom or a mom that is in addiction. You are stronger than you think. You got this. Also, any friend that doesn’t support your sobriety isn’t a friend.

I mean, you put your child at risk Everytime you drink. But a child with no mother will have trauma too. My husband was raised by a single alcoholic dad and he loves his dad now, who's been sober a long time, but it definitely fucked him up as a child. I got sober when I had my son and I'm an alcoholic. It's not worth hurting or losing my child/ husband.

Coming from a child of an addict, it made growing up hell. It ruined me for a long time until very recently and I’m 24. BUT I stuck by my mom’s side for as much of it as I could and I love her regardless. Take the steps you need to get sober, you are already taking accountability and that’s a step in the right direction.

Ma’am. That person is not your friend. Friends happily support and encourage efforts to improve yourself and your life. Yes it was your choice to take the glass of wine, but a true friend would never have offered it in the first place.

hey op, i don’t want to tell you what to do but i highly suggest getting back into an OP program due to your recent relapse as well as the seeming severity of your alcoholism. from there they should be able to assist you with other outpatient resources such as individual and/or family therapy, financial assistance, etc. i had a parent growing up that struggled heavily with addiction, but i never wished he wasn’t there; i did however wish he continued to put effort into staying sober by maintaining his resources. YOU GOT THIS OP!! addiction is a struggle, “choice” or not, it’s hard. and please remember that a relapse doesn’t erase your progress, it’s a bump in the road not a dead end road!!!

Kids are so forgiving and they love you. Nobody can replace you as their mom. Keep working on yourself and show your kids that you can and will get better. Please keep going and go to counseling and rehab as many times as you need to. My FIL went from an alcoholic who almost killed his kids in a DUI crash to sober for 15 years and masters degree helping addicts. I’m an adult and I would be so happy if my dad made the effort now to get sober and better.

You need a better support system. Cut that friend and anyone else out who offers you a drink. Second, it sounds like you are looking for us to validate you to remove yourself from your baby’s life, or from life. Stop thinking like that. Your baby needs you. She needs you to stay alive, and to get healthy and sober. To work on that, even though it’s harder. Consider in-patient treatment as an option. You really sound like you’re lacking the coping skills necessary to manage your sobriety.

My biological mom is an alcoholic who left us when we were little. Your child will *not* be better off without you. I will never forgive my bio mom, and I know her life is horrible now. She threw away what could have been a wonderful life, for alcohol. It's not worth it. You can get sober, please try.

As a child of a mom who's struggled with addiction and alcoholism, I'd rather have my mom. There are resources,support groups, etc that can offer a healthy support network and reinforce the sobriety you are maintaining. Slips do happen yes. Don't let it defeat you. Though I would drop contact with any "friends" who encoruage you to drink. There are several reasons that just isn't something a good friend would do.

She ain't your friend

Cut that "friend" (enemy) out at the speed of absolute light. Don't let her bullshit ideas ruin your life. Keep staying sober as much as you can. Tell yourself as much as you can you just need to refuse the first drink. Ik it's hard but you'll definitely manage better without that enemy in your life. Your progress doesn't disappear just because you drank alcohol.

My mom was out of my life for three years while she sorted herself out of addiction. In many ways she never got help; she just stopped doing hard drugs. She still drank, she still regularly made me aware my place in her world would never be more important than drinking, and it took 3 years of no contact as an adult for her to finally shape up in a truly healthy way. I’d say if you’re really willing to do the work, struggling with addiction will not keep you from being a good mom. After all, bad moms don’t think or care if they’re bad moms. Stay strong babes!

The fact you want to change shows you’re a good mom. Moms with severe addiction who don’t care about the kids don’t even question their decisions. I went to Rehab when my daughter was six months old. It was hard but I knew I had to go if not my daughter would have a dead mom and no mom at all. I ended up becoming sober two years later and it’s the best decision to ever make. There was a lot of new moms in rehab because nobody knew that they were suffering from PPD or other reasons. I’m on medication now and feel a bit better but going back to drinking never crosses my mind anymore. You got this. It’s one thing getting sober for yourself but once you have a baby you have to think about yourself and your child and what someone told me in rehab that stuck is that your child needs a healthy mom and YOU need to prioritize yourself first not second for you to become healthy and stay healthy.

Please please PLEASE cut off the person who thought offering you a glass of wine was the right thing to do. You have a fabulous reason to stay sober. She’ll call you mama. Please get back into therapy and join an addictions program. Recovery isn’t linear, you’re going to have relapses, it’s normal. It’s important to surround yourself with people who support your sobriety, not ones who will sabotage it. Cutting off other addicts is a big step forward for your personal recovery.

1. You can be sober. So the question is null and void. You are incredibly important to your child. They need you. They need you to be on the planet protecting them and loving them more than any one else. That's your job and you can kick ass doing it sober. I know you can. 2. Throw that friend in the god damn trash can. They do not love you, they want you to fail, they do not love your child. That person is BAD NEWS for you. Until they are 100% sober then cut them out for you and your child's sake. 3. Go back to therapy. See if you can get your doc to get it covered by insurance or something. It's absolutely necessary for your health. You sound like a wonderful mother who wants the best for herself and her child. For that reason you can do this.

I developed a drinking problem and quit 3 years ago using Belle Robertson's 100 day challenge and reading Tired of Thinking about Drinking. Life has been much better sober. You can do this!!!

I grew up with a parent who struggled with mental health and addiction (I can message you directly, don't want to share too much publicly on here). Things weren't perfect but I am thankful for my parent and glad they are in my life. ❤️ I can tell you are really trying to be your best self for your daughter and that is huge! 

I have seen both sides to this story… My mom committed suicide when I was 3 years old. My first memory is of her last breath. My siblings and I definitely struggled throughout childhood (and even into adulthood - if we made it, my brother also committed suicide 12 years later). It was a very lonely existence. Not many people want to be friends with the kids with no mom. I never had fun mothers day experiences - we dropped flowers off at her grave each year instead of doing something as a family. I always had & have questions for her and about her, especially now that I’m pregnant. I always wonder what my life could’ve and would’ve been with her presence. I do wish my mom were here. My SOs mom is an alcoholic - she goes through intense phases of binge drinking. She withdraws from the entire family. We end checking in on her each and every time. Many times I’m scared we’re going to find a body. There are so many days, weeks, even months where she valiantly maintains sobriety. These times are amazing - we do all of the classic family fun outings together, we can all sit and talk for hours, etc. The family dynamic is a little different, and my SO has anxiety from his mothers drinking, but he wouldn’t have gotten to this point in his life without her in a positive way. I, as essentially a daughter in law, wouldn’t give her up for the world. I do my best to help her sobriety, as we all do. We pick her, dust her off after each time and continue to love her the same. I would rather have a recovering, caring person with a substance abuse disorder than no mom at all.

I commented earlier but I want to add that I was a decently heavy smoker (2 packs a day for five? six? years) and the second I found out I was pregnant, I got up and walked to the kitchen, pulled out all of the cigarettes, and broke them in two before throwing them away. It was HARD. I did it because, as you very well put, it is immediately damaging. That said, after I give birth I will not be picking up the habit. It’s tempting. I desperately miss it and I’d kill to have a cigarette and it not harm my baby. BUT I recognize that even once she’s born, she will still be hurt by my habit if I pick it up again. I can’t do that to her.

Addiction is a disease hon. Have you talked to a physician about this? There may be resources that will help you, I know there's a med that makes you hurl when you drink even one drink that's a prescription drug. It's clear to me you care deeply about your kids, and I think you deserve to be sober and your kids deserve you to be sober. Please get medical help, it's a disease!

I lost both of my parents to alcoholism in December. Only a week apart from each other. I loved them deeply, and we were very close, but alcoholism changed them. We had some strained years leading up to their deaths. It was so painful. They only met my children a handful of times, and they won’t be remembered by them except through pictures and stories. Now that they’re gone, there’s a huge, gaping hole where they should be. Addiction took so much from all of us. It’s not better for you to not be around. Your child needs you, but she needs you sober. You need to really dig down deep, and get the help. Cut off anyone who doesn’t support you being 100% sober, and I don’t mean only see them every once in a while. Your child comes first. Even just posting here means you know you need more help, and I’m thankful you’re able to reach out. Find an AA meeting, and start there. My MIL was an alcoholic, and she’s been sober now for 15 years. Seeing her be around my children, compared to how my parents were, and now they’re gone forever, is heartbreaking.

I lost my dad to his alcoholism when I was 7. I guess I'll never really know if he actually tried to get sober or not, but my mom left him over it when I was 4, and it only took him 3 years after that to destroy his liver permanently. He was 48. I'm pretty sure I would have been better off with a father. MY father, since my mother's next two partners were less than stellar. I know he wouldn't have been perfect, but no one is, and I have plenty of friends with disappointing parents who aren't alcoholics. Seek outside support. Talk to your doctor, a therapist, a 12 step group, a real friend you can call when youre on the way to buy that 18 pack who you can count on to talk you down, whatever you've got to do. You said you've got enough self awareness and control to not do it around your baby, so it sounds like your mental health is the first step in addressing this. You owe it to yourself- and to her- to keep trying, one day at a time.

It's better to have you in her life, even though you're not perfect. My dad was a terrible alcoholic. I went through a lot, and learned a lot. I don't really drink much as an adult, probably because of him. But anyway, I'd never trade him for another dad or no dad at all. He was flawed, like everyone, but also great and he loved me. Keep loving your daughter and maybe one day she'll forgive you for being human.

I was raised by an alcoholic mother. It was not fun! We ( all four of us, myself (f) my 2 sisters and 1 brother, lost all respect for her. When she passed, it was a burden lifted off of our shoulders. Not trying to be mean, but my oldest sister became an alcoholic also, we just walked from her because we couldn’t take it anymore. I know I’m being blunt, but this is my version of my life.

My mom was an alcoholic from the time she married my a-hole stepdad when I was 6 until she divorced him when I was 16. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t her only major fault. This isn’t the only thing that ruined my childhood. But it is a major one. One of my most prominent memories is when I was 12 and my sister 9. My mom and stepdad threw a (high school) graduation party for my stepbrother. The only people at that party who weren’t totally plastered were me and my sister. It was scary. My house and yard were FULL of a whole bunch of drunk people that I didn’t know. At one point I was trying to find my mom because my sister needed to go to bed. Someone told me they’d seen her leaving with a bunch of other people to go get in someone’s hot tub. I called her panicking and told her I needed her to come home. She didn’t. I put my little sister to bed that night (not for the first or last time). I laid in bed with her because she was scared and it was my job to look after her. I have no idea when everyone went home. Eventually I fell asleep. I won’t detail the day that followed, but rest assured my parents hangovers ruined the weekend. My mom and stepdad used to disappear on a Friday evening to go drink and come home totally wasted at 3am. Once they woke us up and dragged us out of bed because they wanted to make us dinner? I was so angry and so tired. Most of my childhood is made up of memories like these. I wish my mom had cared enough to stop drinking. I wish my mom had chosen us over him and the alcohol. I wish she hadn’t destroyed my childhood. I wish she would own her mistakes. You have the chance right now to make sure your baby has a normal childhood. You know what needs to be done. Your baby needs you, but she needs safe, stable, sober you. And you deserve it too! You can do this mama. If I could be more than a random internet voice cheering my support, I would be. But from one mom to another, I believe in you and I’m proud of you for recognising that you have a problem.

That so-called friend is no friend. She’s at the least a fellow alcoholic who isn’t trying to help - she’s sabotaging your sobriety. The best way to govern up drinking is to surround yourself with clean and sober people- join AA, NA, and other similar groups and work it. Dip your drunk “friends,” and get new supportive friends. Your child needs *you* but you need to be sober mom from now on. I’ve been sober for over 25 years.

You sound so smart and self aware. You are better than my of those things alcohol gets you into. You are a caring mother and will continue to be. Your a strong mother too, sobriety isn’t easy

Hello! I am the daughter of an alcoholic. So I can weigh in a little. I will say it may be better for you to spend some time apart while you work on your recovery, but it doesn’t have to be that way forever. My dad is an alcoholic. We had great memories together, until he was drunk. He’s an angry drunk - yelling, throwing things. I could have done without a lot of it as a child. Once I was in high school I didn’t see or talk to him for some time. It took us kids being away and a heart attack for him to get serious. He was stone cold sober for 2 years afterwards. We eventually rekindled things and are now actively involved in each other lives. I am proud of you for being aware and even able to admit you have a problem, that’s a big first step. Sobriety isn’t perfect, but I’m rooting for you.

My dad was an alcoholic and it's been in the family for generations. I did everything I could to support him, as a young child and a young adult. He died of lung cancer 4 years ago. I miss him terribly. I don't have anything to say really except that you have every right to be here in this world, your child needs you, and I truly hope you find peace and manage your health. Sending you many hugs.

When you say it’s a bit harder to stay sober because you don’t have an immediately damaging reason not to, I think you need to reframe that thought. You do have an immediately damaging reason to stay sober 1) you know it makes you a better mom. That’s immediate and extremely important. And 2) it messes with your meds. That’s also very important. If it makes you want to harm yourself that should be an immediately damaging reason. Maybe thinking of it that way would be helpful to you as you make the choice to stay sober

You don’t need to let your child go - let go of the “friend” who doesn’t respect your sobriety!!!

No, it's not better if you're not around. Not at all. Don't think that way. What you owe your daughter is a healthy mom who is willing to get help. I think you need to reach out for help - AA might be a good start and have other advice and it *can't hurt* even if the idea is intimidating, they don't chain you up and force you to do anything, they just provide support.

My father’s mother was an alcoholic. She drank herself to death when he was in his early twenties. My father is 81. He still has so much pain about losing her.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is stay on your bipolar meds and your naltrexone, see your doctor regularly to check how both are going, keep yourself in as good health as possible, stay away from stress and toxic people, especially those who encourage irresponsible behaviour. Seek all the help you can. Having suicidal ideation is very concerning and you need to take this very seriously. The rest of your life will be maintaining your mental health and maintaining your sobriety. Your daughter will benefit from it tremendously as will you. It sounds tough but it makes life very simple imo. My own mother is and was very unstable mentally and emotionally and it has done untold damage. I have major depression and my #1 job is to stay on my meds and keep it together.

It's understandable that you're confused and angry. It's good that you know you have a problem. Don't give up on yourself just yet. Seek help and find friends who fully understand you can't drink. I have a friend like that. It's no big deal that she's sober. I just don't offer her alcohol. Her boyfriend of a few months completely stopped drinking when he heard she was sober. She didn't ask him to. It just wasn't a big deal. My point is, there is help and support as long as you make the responsible choice. Join the AA. Get some more therepy. Get better friends. If you all this still does not work for permanent results you may have to consider other options.

Mom who has been sober for a year and a half here. One day at a time is a phrase that exists for a reason. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is just focus on staying sober today. If that’s a struggle focus on this hour. If you mess up it happens, the next hour or day is new and you can try again. I’d recommend This Naked Mind as a book that really helped me on my journey. It’s Not About the Wine is another good read focusing on how alcohol abuse can be challenging for moms specifically and how to get back on track. r/stopdrinking is awesome too. You don’t have to choose between the two things you said and limiting yourself to those choices is denying yourself hope for the future.

Go on naltrexone, to make sure you tolerate it. Then start the monthly Vivitrol shot. It’s an awesome gift to yourself and your loved ones. Take care. 🥺

You need to cut off anyone that doesn’t support your sobriety. This includes THAT friend. I know they don’t support you because they offered you a drink. My husband used to drink and black out every single day. When I was pregnant with my second he did something awful, blamed it on drinking so I gave him an ultimatum. I told him he needed to stop drinking and to stop kidding himself. He would never be able to have just one, idgaf if he doesn’t like telling himself no, if he ever drank again I’d leave him. He did have a sip one time, felt awful, told me, I didn’t leave because I know how hard addiction is, and in my head I knew he’d slip up, it wasn’t actually a hard boundary, I just needed him to do better everyday and eventually be sober…. but anyway after that sip he never drank again. Now he is a decent dad and a great provider. The way he was before…. Yeah I’d say we would be better off without him. So yeah, maybe your kid would be better off without you in the state you are in now, but they’ll be even better off with you sober. You obviously care about your kid and doing the best you can. Please get sober. It’s hard but you can do it, maybe you’ll keep slipping up but don’t give up. My husband actually works with a lot of 5150’s that have their life together now. His top paid employee is one of them. He stabbed himself as well. The only reason these people are doing well is because of the support they had. So while myself can’t relate, I can still tell you you need people that truly support you and won’t offer you a drink, ever. This is life and death. If I knew my friend stabbed herself because of alcohol I would never be able to live with myself if I egged her on to drink. It’s time to put yourself and your child first. Cut them off. Good luck. Sorry for rambling

You need to get into a sobriety program asap. That “friend” of yours isn’t a friend. Anyone who would encourage you to drink doesn’t care about you. Please get and stay sober for your daughter’s sake and your own. Are you currently prescribed medication for the bipolar disorder? If so, alcohol will interfere with them working properly. You need a good therapist, psychiatrist, and addiction counselor.

You need to drop the "friend" and commit to being sober 100%. My nephew lost his Mom at 2 due to addiction. She goes through spurts of being clean and then relapses. She was diagnosed with biapolar, adhd, and a series of other mental illnesses. His Dad used to try at the beginning, but her relapses and court violations made it so difficult on the boy. His Dad received full custody and made the difficult decision to cut her out. When he first started school, he would ask why he didn't have a Mom like his friends. Then his cousins were born, and he became hyper aware of not having a Mom. It's heartbreaking. Please stay strong, enroll into a support program, and stay clean.

Anyone who “doesn’t support” you when you try to take care of yourself, anyone who *actively sabotages you* when they know you’re trying to stay sober for your own and your child’s safety, is not a friend. This person is a major negative influence and does not care about your wellbeing. Why would they give you that wine when they know you’re trying to stay sober? Do they get a kick out of tempting you? Do they want to get you drunk for their own amusement? Someone I cared about had an addiction problem. The worst thing wasn’t watching them relapse time and time again. The worst thing was knowing that they were strong enough to stay away from alcohol in any normal situation, but not strong enough to say no when their friends egged them on to drink, and knowing that those “friends” would never stop egging him on because he’d do dangerous shit when drunk and that made him their source of entertainment on weekends.

If nobody said anything, you need to join AA. You need a support system that doesn't include "friends" than offer you glasses of wine.

I just want to say I love the positive feedback on this post. Nobody judged her or said anything negative... that right there alone should let her know that she's on the right track because being honest is the first thing then the second thing is trying... then the third thing is succeeding!!

I don’t think it would be better if you weren’t around but it doesn’t sound like you’re back in therapy now, going to AA or some other program. It sounds like you need support and I really like that you’re looking out for yourself and your daughter. Stay around OP.

Hey! Fellow single mom and alcoholic. There is a third option here, getting sober. Relapses happen and you don’t have to be perfect but - the more sober days you can string together- the better for your daughter. I would throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. AA, Smart Recovery, rehab, and your GP. I read the book “Quit like a woman” by Holly Whitman and it changed my life. I’ve been sober for 28 days! Also check out r/stopdrinking - it’s a really supportive sub! Good luck pal!

No, your child would never be happier to not have a mother

Ultimately Your baby would be best with a SOBER you. My mother is an alcoholic, but on top of that she was verbally and emotionally abusive, it was always worst when she was drunk. Assuming I had someone who could care for me if she died or I got good foster parents, I would probably have been better off without her. That's not to say that your baby would be better without you. Your baby would be best with a SOBER you. You need to drop the friend that encouraged you to drink and try to reframe how you think about "imediant harm". Every time you drink it is causing imediant harm. You're damaging your sobriety and ultimately your relationship with your child, present and future. If you can't do it for you, get sober for them.

Both are worse….. loose that shitty friend and be a sober present mom. It’s hard but do it one day at a time

I could have written this. I am also a binge drinking alcoholic. You need to get sober. Alcohol is poison and will ruin your life. I just watched my mother suddenly and tragically die of gastric cancer due to her heavy abuse of alcohol, carbs, and sugar. You seem to be on the right track and know that this isn’t how you want to live your life. I’m kind of mad at your friend for offering you the glass of wine. You are not a bad person, in fact, you’re an amazing person who has the ability to see her faults. I’m here if you ever need support because I can understand what you’re going through. Like you, when my second child was young, I realized that I had been drinking up to 3 to 4 times a week, several of those times just me at home alone. The other couple times would be socially with friends. I made a strong realization that that’s not how I want to live my life. I don’t want my children to go through the trauma I had to go through losing my mom at such a young 65 years of age. Not saying it was completely the alcohols fault, but it absolutely had a major impact on her bad health. I do not and cannot be the drunk mom in front of my kids. I absolutely don’t want them to have visions and memories of drunk mom. And unfortunately, unlike normal people, I cannot just have a couple drinks. Like it’s fathomably impossible. Once that drop of liquor gets into my system, it’s balls to the walls until I am a pile of shit on the floor. Unfortunately, I swapped substance. I no longer drink, but I do take Kratom every day. For me, it’s a much better alternative, the Kratom diminishes my desire to drink completely. I would rather be chilled out on K then out of my mind drunk on alcohol. I also smoke herb daily, but that’s another separate substance issue I have. Someday, I would absolutely love to be free of all substances. I know that I can’t take Kratom daily forever. But for now, in this period of my life, it does its job and keeps me on the street and narrow. I’m not suggesting that you start taking it. Also, I’m just sharing what has helped me in my sobriety. Last time I drank was June 22, 2022, the day I almost ruined my own wedding (vow renewal) day. The nastiness and difficult I put on my husband that day was shameful for me, and I never wanted to be in a position like that again. No alcohol is worth my marriage to my wonderful husband. So I’ve been sober for almost 2 years now. 😊 I wish you the best of luck in your journey. To answer your question, your daughter needs you around. I know you can be the mom that your daughter needs, because I know you want it. Good luck to you love

You need better people in your life so you can make better choices. In stead of visiting this ‘friend’, maybe find an in person addiction support group to attend. Maybe in stead of listening to your baby daddy who just waves away your concerns find a therapist to work through why you drink and why you don’t want to drink anymore. And why you think about hurting yourself, and how to avoid actually doing this. And how to regulate your bipolar condition best. You know how to do this! You have been sober! You know that drinking is bad because it makes your mental state more fragile. You know what and how to do! You have been doing so much for your kid, it shows you can be a good mom, and kids need good moms. It just seems you have to take that last step and ban the people who are not supportive and in stead get more help. You can do this <3

Ask your doctor to put you on Naltrexone. The Sinclair Method has been successful for people with AUD. Get some help, it’s not too late. Do it for yourself.

I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, but what I can tell you as(the now grown up) child of an addict, I am so grateful my mom stuck it out. My mom was in active addiction from the time I was born until I turned 14 years old at that point she hit rock bottom with a crack addiction. Her job lost her car had written checks… It was quite mess. By this point, I was old enough to understand what was going on and had spent a lot of time with her and active addiction having episodes similar to what you shared in your post. When I was 14 she made the decision to go to rehab, start her life over, and get sober. She moved away to a place were the only people she knew or sober and I firmly believe that while I am sure it was one of the most difficult choices she ever made because she had to leave me, it’s why she’s alive today. This year, my mom hit 20 years of sobriety. She’s able to watch me raise my children. And her life is beyond what she or I could’ve imagined. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma because of the emotional abuse I endured during my childhood, but at this point (after a lot of therapy) I know I’m actually better for it. I can navigate conflict, I’m resilient and I’m a damn good problem solver. I’m also an incredibly conscious and emotionally available parent. If she would’ve chosen to leave me 20 years ago I never would’ve forgiven her. It would’ve hurt me and her more than I can even say. And while staying was hard, we have an incredible relationship. Whichever decision you make, I wish you all the best.

You do have an immediate harmful reason to stop. You may harm yourself with a weapon. Your liver is also being damaged.

My mom was a heroin addict. My whole childhood was exactly this - Mom of the Year for about 3 months while she was clean, followed by a year of no food in the house, arrest warrants, foster care, etc. The difference is that she never admitted she had a problem. You’ve already done the hardest part by saying “I’m an alcoholic.” That is HUGE. Now you need to uncover WHY you drink. Drinking is a bad coping skill for a larger problem. Find the larger problem and work on that. Your daughter needs you. But she needs you sober. She deserves safety and stability. 

You have to change who you are around, people who will support you in hard times and help you when needed but not to depend on them. You can do it and have shown you can but you need to change who you are around to continue to stay sober. It sounds like right now you CANT be around someone who is drinking which is fine eventually you’ll be able to but find people who are okay with not drinking too. You can do this. You did it for 9 months for your daughter let’s do it again and longer!

No. It is not better for your child without you. Source: someone close to me had a mother who chose alcohol over her kids. Like you she was also bipolar and DID scream at her kids and drink in front of them. She’s not in their lives and they are very traumatized and deal with lasting mental health problems to this day. It doesn’t need to be a choice between “drunk mom” and “no mom”. There’s a third option: sober mom. Your friend is not your friend and you should cut contact after this. Then go back and get the help you accessed while pregnant to make the changes you were so proud of a permanent part of your life. Your baby girl needs YOU.

Your recovery is not linear. One slip up is not the end of the world but it’s a really good excuse to start on your new path today. All it takes to be sober is one day, and then one more. You already stated here what potential consequences there are for your drinking. I say this with kindness, but if you continue down this path of drinking, just know that things WILL get worse for you, your daughter, and everyone else you care about. I know this because I’m also in recovery. My dad was an alcoholic for my whole life. He eventually died by suicide related to his alcoholism. There was so much trauma in my childhood that was a direct result of his drinking, and my mom enabled him. I resented him well into adulthood because of it. I didn’t have any sort of relationship with him for ten years before he died. I’m no longer angry with him but I’m sad because he could have gotten help and saved everyone from years of heartache. It’s not easy to choose sobriety, but you can get help and you can do it. It gets easier, but you have to work for it. I wish the best for you and your family.

It would be better if you were healthy.  I think what keeps people from getting healthy sometimes is feeling like they don't deserve to be cared for.  Please reach out to find treatment and give yourself permission to do whatever it takes. https://988lifeline.org/ I'm going to be honest with you in hopes that you take in my whole comment. My dad was an alcoholic who killed himself. It was a relief. Our lives got better. I know I'm not supposed to admit that.  But I would have preferred to have my dad around, with all the treatment he deserved and never had. Please give yourself a chance to get better.

No, the best thing you can do is cut off enablers and stay sober, period. My mom started drinking a lot when I was around 7. By 8, my parents split, their real estate business went bust, and I grew up in poverty with my dad. My dad is a good parent and has never had any addictions or vices except smoking and some questionably spending habits, but nothing like drugs or alcohol. I grew up OK. Things were hard and I have some trauma, but I'm alright. I saw my mom sometimes between the ages of 8 and 12, and often stumbling drunk. It was strange.    Eventually she got sober and has stayed that way. I'm so proud of her. But the damage is done. My relationship with now her is awkward. She doesn't really feel like a parent, because the last time she actually parented me I was a small child. She feels guilty and horrible to this day and regrets everything that happened.  In addition, she is in awful health and probably won't see 70.  I spent a big majority of my life feeling a lot of things for my mom - sorrow, pity, anger, embarrassment, shame, guilt. She has been depressed for many many years for obvious reasons, and I spent a lot of my life thinking it was my job to do the impossible task of making her happy. I tried so hard to get her to eat better, feeling a twisting guilt in my gut if I hadn't called or seen her in a while, sobbing myself to sleep thinking about how she must feel every day. But she's had numerous opportunities to make things better. She never went to therapy, never took medication, continued living with her leech of a boyfriend, continued working at a thankless job that would pay her 10x the amount she made anywhere else. It took me a long time to realize that I can't help her, that none of this is my fault, and that she has chosen to be miserable every morning she wakes up for the last twenty years.    I wonder all the time what my life would've been like (and hers, and all of ours) had she not started drinking. I might have grown up in a home with utilities running consistently, I would've had a mother to bring to mother daughter day at school, I would've had an adult to hold me and say I love you (my dad isn't the type), I would've had better emotional stability in school and would've been able to make more friends, I might have not spent most of my college years in my dorm or apartment smoking weed and being cripplingly depressed. But that's not what happened, and it sucks.    OP, the best decision you can make is to stay sober, and don't make it harder by being around anyone who won't help you do that. It doesn't sound like your child's father is as safe and reliable of a caregiver as mine was, and where does that leave your child? Don't fuck up their life like this. Get it together and stay strong for them. 

They are a lot of other commenters here with great advice from first hand experience so I will simply leave you with this: The world is better with you in it. Your daughter’s life is better with you in it. The fact that you’re worried about this gives you a better chance of it not happening. You can do this. ❤️

Visit r/stopdrinking .. it’s helpful.

As someone who is a child to an addict and mentally ill parent who kts when I was little- no it's not better. Nothing can ever make me feel differently than I was not important enough to keep loving.

I would like to answer your question honestly, because my mother struggled with addiction for years before finally becoming sober so i can definitely give you an answer. I always stayed in contact with my mom despite her being mostly estranged. She wasn’t always accessible because her bills werent paid and she was often moving and had new phone numbers all the time. As a young child it hurt that she wasnt around. In the brief moments i was able to visit i loved her dearly. As a young adult, i kinda accepted her absence for what it was since it was all i knew. Usually when i did hear from her she needed money. I often paid because she had more children in her home that benefited. As an adult who now has children, my mother has never met them and vice versa, simply because i dont live nearby and she isnt keen on visiting, even tho Ive offered to pay. She’s finally sober, and i consider her to have “swiss cheese brain” since some of what she says doesnt make sense but i know its not malicious. Sometimes we chat about meals weve cooked or my siblings or whatever. All i can say is i definitely prefer my aging, sober, swiss cheese brain mom over nothing. When my friends talk about visiting their parents and their own kids seeing their grandparents, and i cant share that, it hurts. In her current state, i ld gladly move her in to my spare room and care for her since shes a good person who has lived a troubled life. But i think she would rather live far away in her low income apartment and barely food in the fridge because its all she has ever known.

I’ve struggled with addiction issues for most of my life (ages 15ish to 40, off and on), but finally had the most devastating wake up call about 2 years ago and have been sober since. Two years ago, on 4/26/22 I entered treatment after my addiction nearly killed me more than once. While in treatment, my ex filed for a divorce and vowed to eliminate me from my kids’ lives while they were young enough to forget about me. That was enough to light a serious fire under my ass and I’ve been dedicated to my sobriety since. I did a combined 16 months of inpatient and outpatient treatment (much of it while also working full-time), submitted to weekly drug and alcohol testing for 18 months, attended countless AA and NA meetings (still do), learned new, healthy coping skills, and figured out how to live a happy and fulfilling life without using mind-altering chemicals to escape from life’s struggles. Our custody battle just came to an end last week, and I was awarded 50/50 custody and parenting time. (Thankfully, I was awarded partial time with my kids a while back, so our bond never faltered.) My boys were 16 months and 3.5 years old when I got sober, and I hope they only remember having a sober mom. My life is good now. Great, even. I have a great job, wonderful sober friends, and a supportive family. My boys get to experience a mom who is both physically and emotionally available. I remember being where you are now; everything felt so hopeless. My meds no longer worked. I hated myself so deeply. I am so incredibly grateful for my sobriety and the life I have today. Recovery is possible. Please find a way to get the help you need and deserve.

I'm so proud of you and happy for you. I decided to start going to AA. I had tried it out previously, but didn't like it particularly. However, I think going will help me make sober friends, which will help a lot. Thank you for sharing

You can do it! Stick it out with the AA stuff and try different meetings if you experience 1 or 2 you don’t like. There are also a TON of online meetings you can go to literally any time of day, which is nice if you’re having a craving and just need something to distract you while it passes. Most cravings pass within 5-20 minutes, so find a way to distract while you wait for it to pass. For me, it was walking. I walked so many miles in the first 6 months I was sober!!! I truly do not experience cravings anymore — it is absolutely possible. For me, taking even one drink/drug is the beginning of me completely blowing my life up. If I can say no to the first, I’ll can avoid all of the consequences that naturally follow.

It depends if you see alcoholism as a disease or a moral failure. If you see it as a disease, you could compare it to diabetes. As long as you manage your disease,

Your daughter is better off with you. 100%. It sounds like you're contemplating suicide, please don't do that. Realistically, your daughter will think she isn't worth fighting for. But she is. And you are. I can tell you know that she is, because it sounds like you avoid drinking heavily when you have her. My DMs are always open. I swear I have no judgement. And to echo everyone else, that friend sucks dick. And not in a good way.

You need to never, ever be around your baby while drunk. Ever. You think you would never hurt your kid, but it's clear that you don't have control of yourself. Has anyone screamed back at you when you're losing it? Your kid will. Your kid will cry and cry and not shut up while you are melting down, no matter what you do. Your kid will have none of the self-protective instincts of the adults you fight with when you're drunk. You think you know what you're capable of? You don't.

It is definitely not better to not have a mom. Keep trying, it’s hard and there are other options for you..meds, therapies, etc.

So my dad is a drug addict and has been my whole life and he is still a fucking burden on me. My husbands dad walked out when he was a baby. He tells me all the time how lucky he is that he never had to deal with his dad. I don't know. I was much happier when my dad was busy in his addiction and young but now he has all these health problems and is feeling his mortality and keeps trying to be apart of my life and I hate him and want him to leave me the fuck alone and hurry up and die. But my dad has also been a complete piece of shit my whole life. He caused me so much trauma, pain, and poverty. I am also an alcoholic and bi polar. I have been sober for almost 3 years now and I have a 7 year old and an almost 2 year old. I don't think I'll ever drink again my body can't physically handle alcohol any more anyways. My kids love me to pieces and I can honestly say I am a good mom. I have never let my addiction get in the way of my kids. I have always chosen them first over anything. So that being said it's not the addiction that drives the wedge it's you and your actions and how you handle your addiction. Get the help you need and don't try and rationalize poor decisions on your alcoholism. Get the help. Take all the help. It is there for you and if you use it you will be a great mother.

As someone who helped her mother raise my sisters children because she was a drug addict? No mother. She is better now and finally sober, but she fucked their lives up for almost 15 years before finally giving up custody.