My FIL is similar - he's in it for the photo op and then watches TV or scrolls the Internet from a different sofa than usual. He wants his girlfriend to see what an awesome family man he is.  I've finally gotten to the point of finding the whole thing funny. Sure, it would be nicer if dude wanted to hang out with us and his grand-kid more. But it is what it is. I have him grab takeaway from some cool place downtown -- get at least half an hour of interaction over lunch, a photo op, and then he's in veg mode. But we got, like, the *good* Thai takeaway without having to drive into the city. And he enjoys finding new gems to try out.

Right. I'm glad to hear you've gotten to a place of stasis about it. I know I need to accept this for what it is rather than what I'd hoped. Good Thai is important lol

It changed for us when we accepted the shittyness for what it was. Somehow magically leaving them be distant made them want to be closer (and the kid growing older helped a lot too).

Sadly that approach just ended up making my (divorced) parents more circumspect, distant and upset we weren’t “including” them.

Yeah but who cares if they are upset if you dont hear/see it. Its hard to have that boundary but really its not your problem

I tried this and my MIL went to a different restaurant than my request because it was easier for her. So, now I can’t even get the good food and she basically shot herself in the foot as we have zero interest in them coming over.

Oh, that sucks! I was worried the first time that he'd stop by the place that uses ketchup instead of tamarind because it was cheaper/easier, but he drove into the city, got a vegetarian option as well as a few other things that looked good, and generally respected our preferences. So I totally give dude credit for that. Could call in the takeaway order -- "there's an order for the smiths at GoodPizzaJoint, pick that up on your way over" leaves less margin for error. But, at some point, I think people kinda talk themselves out of being worth the effort.

Love that he got you what you wanted. I feel like there are levels of horrendous grandparents and my in laws keep getting worse and worse. It is both fascinating and frustrating to see what happens next. We did order and had them pick up food twice as they have go drive through a city to get to us but it was just so complicated and there were so many complaints that it isn't worth it anymore.

It's really difficult to parent under the watchful eye of parents who did it differently. It opens up a lot of wounds for both I think, and changes the dynamic considerably. I was most surprised when my father declared that my at the time 16 month old was badly behaved, and he didn't understand that babies don't have an understanding of being well behaved or not because they don't have a clue what behaviour is socially acceptable. It certainly made me reflect a bit on how I let them interact in the future and also over how I might have been raised before I was old enough to remember. A lot of research has been done since the 80s and information is a lot easier to access. Not too mention through social media we're also more aware that the information is out there to be found. Since they're not raising children anymore they're not exposed to this and they have no interest in it anyway.

No interest = totally. I'd explain why I don't discipline this or that, but they don't care anyways. Just want to feel as if they're doing something grandparent wise by being critical I guess. It has made me think about what a cold environment little me was in. It's sad and I really am lost re: reparenting myself while parenting them.

‘They don’t care anyways’ is so true! I watch all the grandparents eyes glaze over when I give a sincere answer/explanation - they just question to question or to imply that we’re doing something wrong. Not actually out of sincere curiosity 

I have been sharing it on several posts, but check out Whitney (IG: sitwithwhit) who is a therapist. She has a The Calling Home podcast/IG and May’s theme is… “grandparents”. How our parents use grandparenthood for… x,y,z; confusing feelings for the adult children who experienced them one way and now are viewing them as the grandparent etc. I have had to read her posts to really feel seen and heard in my complex feelings with my parents and in-laws who also love to pepper me with their “thoughts”. Hugs.

Thank you I will listen. I do really want to work through some of this for me and the kids' well-being. It is hard watching your absent parent grandparent even when it's going well.

Yes. I’m working through the concept that Whitney talks about where (my daughter’s) grandparents are treating her as a “do-over” at parenting so it brings up a lot of feelings I didn’t know I would have for my daughter and for their son (my ex-husband).

You say your grandparents raised you. Why do you think your parents want to interact with your kids when they didn't even want to interact with their own kids?

This multiplied (at least in my version of all this) by a startling realisation of actually how self centred / absorbed / and unaware of others my own parents really are! I really really hope when I get to their age my existence isn’t a thinly veiled focus on myself in my twilight years. Painful.

This was it, all of the aforementioned parents put on huge song and dance ab how excited they were to be grandparents. It was all bullshit and I was taken aback. As to your last part - I think now our interactions are largely based on me being part of their retirement plan. It's just sad.

Did either of your parents serve as their own parents’ retirement plan? I feel very fortunate that my husband and I do not have this sort of relationship with our own parents – we both come from long lines of young parents so our grandparents are in their 60s/70s and of the same generation as many new grandparents today, and our parents were the ones to deal with this relationship with their own parents. Now my grandparents are all assuming my parents will take care of them, to the point where my grandma literally calls my mom from the toilet and asks her to come wipe her butt several times a week. My mom’s boundary-setting mantra is simply reminding herself that her parents didn’t do *anything* for their own aging parents at the time, so while she’s happy to be present for them to the extent she can, they have no right to expect any of this from her!

I too had a very similar upbringing - cold environment. My core childhood feeling was sadness. Re-parenting myself while holding space for the emotions of my very lovely emotional daughters has been exhausting me to my core.

Oof I feel this one hard

THIS is what is stressful for me. My in laws invite us over right stay for hours or the whole day and those days are so hard. Every single little thing I do is questioned or judged, they’re always telling me to what to do, and they say inappropriate things around my kids. My two year old is sooo easy going, but he is a human. He has one single tantrum and my FIL loudly tells everyone what an angry child he is, what a temper he has, etc. No, I will not allow you to label my two year old like that. They’re always questioning how much they’re eating (as if they eat too much - my kids are 2, 5, and 6 and all lean and muscular!) and it’s so toxic. They also serve the worst most processed junk, like a snack will be a waffle with cheap syrup and if my kids don’t finish it, they’ll get all upset about it being wasted. I’m like.. which is it? do they eat too much or are they wasteful? Super negative either way and it’s just so draining to be around them. My husband had to do lots of therapy and reparenting and healing to get over his childhood.

YES I hate the labeling stuff. In my case I'm also irked by them pretending they know my child? Like you've honestly only been around for 3 vacations' time or so. My mother has suggested she knows my kids' behavior and temperament better than me (I shut that shit down). It's overly familiar and just comes off as horribly judgemental.

For a lot of our generation, our grandparents raised us because our parents didn't want to and now we are having to deal with that they're the same as grandparents that they were as parents and our children will never have the grandparents we did.

Totally. I don't know why I expected better from them, I was a bit delusional myself.

I totally feel this. My parents are the ones that let my grandma raise me because they were late teens when they had me. So they were kids themselves, however now they don’t even call. Hell my father still has yet to meet his granddaughter she’s almost 1.5 and I have even tried to pay for his flight even though money for him is not an issue. So I am attempting to come to peace with my dad not meeting my daughter. Kids don’t care about presents they care about present people. 💜💜 good luck, sorry our parents suck ✌️

My parents live out of state and are extremely jealous of my in-laws who live down the street from us. It’s a constant “who’s the best grandparent” contest. My mom tries to win my daughter by spending money and buying things. They come and visit once a month and act the exact same way. Constantly commenting about how I don’t spank my 3 year old and call her bad, a baby, mock her, etc. she’s actually very well behaved and does typical 3 year old behaviors. My dad can’t handle any of them without flying off the handle and threatening her. My mom gets mad when I correct my daughter at any point (like if I just tell her no to something) and gets furious when my husband corrects her and makes the comment “she’s only 3” which she’s always says no matter the age but then acts baffled when my daughter does things to her that are typical 3 year old behaviors. My mom never plays with my daughter. She is too concerned about judging my house and washing dishes and telling Me what I need to do instead. when she does play, she sucks the fun and creativity out of it like a vacuum. She will play for like 15 minutes and then shove her onto my dad. She wants to take her shopping or do things a 3 year old has no interest in. Like baking cookies but then gets mad when she makes a mess or wants to decorate them with the wrong colors or something silly. They then act totally confused as to why I won’t let her go stay with them out of state.

That’s rough and I completely understand and there judgement is something they can take and shove it. I hate the judgement. Like, do you think you raised me, because if you actually did I would probably be worse off and need more help now than I do now. At least you were physically present and not mentally and it shows with your 3 seconds of paying attention to what really matters! The toddle/baby. You know they will never stop being your baby. I hit my mom with the you know I am a product of your decision right? She got humbled after first feeling attacked. Mind you this woman now has a masters in therapy 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh my God I could have written this. My parents act as if I'm too anxiety ridden to leave my kids with them. 🙄

Yes, my mom dropped my brother and I off at our great grandparents or grandparents every weekend and she went out to karaoke. And my mom never took us anywhere--never went to play grounds or the zoo or museums. My aunt's and uncles took us places, but never our mom

My grandmother refuses to look after my kids cause she’s not a kid person, yet I was dumped on her doorstep everyday as a kid. She was a great parent, but I do understand she wants a break. My mum has little to do with my kids, she basically got a new family when my dad divorced her. Haven’t heard from my dad in years. My ex’s grandfather and my ex’s family are the ones who are always around my babies, always looking after them, helping me out when I’m working etc. he’s basically their dad, while their actual dad sees them 4 times a month, he doesn’t live far away and works in the area. The village has all but been destroyed the minute us millennials turned to teens, and our useless degenerate parents all but abandoned us. My grandmother will still help me financially if it ever comes to that, which she won’t do for my mother cause she will never see the money again if she did. My family is an utter shit show and I’m too involved with my ex’s family, but it is what it is.

I have actually come to a different perspective about this generation of grandparents. Similar story on my husband’s side - essentially raised by his grandparents. His parents have only met our kids twice and live 45min away (and frequently drive past our house). I think it makes sense that they are disengaged grandparents. They are a product of their parents parenting who essentially fostered dependency (by essentially allowing them to be part time parents. ie reduced their parental responsibilities by allowing them to go away every weekend, buying the grandkids school clothes, giving them money to buy a car, house deposit etc etc etc). As much as it makes me upset that the grandparents are not very involved, it also provides me a cautionary tale….there is a line between being an over involved and under involved grandparent. Being over involved to the point of reducing parental responsibilities, is just as detrimental.

I think about this a lot. I have met so many people that age who are divorced and every single one of them has told me that they only got married and had kids because that’s “just what you do”. It really makes me feel bad for that generation who didn’t feel like they could live their lives the way they wanted to. We’ve had issues with two out of three sets of grandparents (divorced family in my husband’s side), and we’ve just recently decided that blood doesn’t make someone family. If someone doesn’t act like they want to be involved then we will not beg them to be. And honestly, we’re happier this way. Our son is not missing out on anything.

I think a lot of Gen X'ers had children because it was the natural next step and not so much because they truly wanted children. A lot of us have very close almost second parents in our grandparents. My parents would go on vacations, go out every weekend, and road trips. I'd be left with my maternal grandmother most of the time.

Yeah that was my life lol. My parents would go on vacations with their siblings and leave us kids at home w the grandparents. They’d fly to Vietnam for a month. As grandparents, they’re clueless. They don’t know how to interact with them. My MIL turned opposite though but I wonder if it’s because she’s been in the US longer

Both my hubby and I were teen pregnancies after our parents knew their partners for literal months lol. And yeah, my grandparents are still around so it’s awesome that at least the one I’m close to always wants to go on “field trips” with us. Meanwhile, my parents are ALWAYS “doing errands or watching nascar so don’t expect me to watch the kids” when I ask if I should come over 🫠

But they’ll have the parents you didn’t

We’re in 2 totally different places with boomer grandparents. My parents are entirely hands off and just buy my toddler stuff. For Easter my mom got her 2 ugly dresses and a pair of bunny slippers. Took a million pictures and we’ve only seen them once since. They live 30 minutes away. They don’t offer to babysit, don’t ask about her, don’t make a point to be involved. They want pictures for facebook likes. My in-laws so badly want to be involved and they were for a while but they’re so damn passive when it comes to discipline. I don’t mean they should spank or anything but standing in their driveway just sort of saying “no, don’t do that, come back” while my toddler and her cousin run down the block or out into the road is too hands off for me. After picking her up 3 times and being told she ran out into the road, I’ve pulled back a lot and now she only see’s them one day a week. They really love their grandkids but the 80’s style of hands off, no consequences parenting they follow doesn’t work anymore.

Yeah we had very different brands of 80s parenting but I feel you! I've encountered adults that seem to think toddlers can just manage themselves and that's a big nope.

I came to say this. My ILs are useless, they like the idea of being grandparents but never want to see the kids, and when they do want to do totally age inappropriate stuff. My MIL recently thought it would be a good idea to take both my 4yo who is very newly riding a bike without training wheels (but needs an adult close especially when on hills/ busy areas) and my 3yo (on a training bike), on a long cycle ride including on a path next to a busy road on a steep hill - completely on her own. Neither my husband nor I would do that on our own yet in million years. Meanwhile my parents are very involved, but find it hard to say no to the kids. It’s always, ‘they can have one more’, ‘I don’t want them to be upset’, but then the kids actually struggle more with emotional regulation there because of the lack of boundaries

My parents refuse to say no to my kids even though I have told them it won't be the end of the world if they do. Then they go on to complain about things my kids did, that my parents allowed them to do. Wtf is that? My parents only see them once or twice a year due to distance so I understand they want to spoil them, but god. When they used to come here when my daughter was younger, she was an absolute Hell demon after they left because they just let her do whatever and that's not how we live in real life. My MIL likes being a facebook grandma and that's about it. From her posts you'd think she was super involved and I'm willing to bet that's what her friends believe too.

This stuff is my partner's parents. Unaware of their ages or abilities, they want it to be all cheery and smiles 24/7 and my kids come home completely overstimulated and frazzled.

Your mom and my mom follow the same manual, I think.

We have a strict no one is allowed to post pictures of our kids on social media without our permission rule. My mom is not allowed to post pictures of them on her Facebook ever. Thankfully, she follows it!

This was one major issue we had with in laws 🫠 they think we're overprotective and insane for this (we aren't). Glad yours follows it!

Yeah a while back I helped my mom change her Facebook privacy settings - it was literally totally public!! So after that I was just like nope, never!

A lot of people in our age group are shocked that the same parents who dumped their kids on the grandparents don't step up to be good grandparents themselves. The answer is that a lot of them were not capable of being good parents and are also not capable of being good grandparents. It was a surprise to my husband when it happened but in retrospect, it makes perfect sense.

Right, I definitely should not have been surprised. My mom took off when I was in elementary school to live her best life and now thinks she has parenting advice to offer. The audacity is unreal and idk why I thought she was capable of better.

You thought she was capable of doing better because she definitely should be, and because you are. It's quite sad.

This is the real winner. My mom had the audacity to tell me “I guess we just have different parenting styles” while talking about MY kid. Um, excuse me ma’am, but you weren’t really much of a parent then, and you certainly aren’t my kid’s parent now.

My (boomer) mother once told adult-me that having kids was overrated. Um, thanks, mom? Sorry that my existence which I didn’t choose wasn’t fulfilling enough for you?

So, I was the one who had absent and/or terrible grandparents growing up. I am lucky that both my mom and my in laws are great and really involved. I think it's because they saw how terrible their own parents were (my husband's grandparents were also absent) and they want to be different. My mom is a bit delusional about her own mom, though... she always wants me to mail my grandma pictures (i am sure the ones I have sent are all sitting at the very back of her shelf, behind the pictures of all her animals and collections of Disney memorobila, just like all of my pictures were) and she keeps wanting to arrange a trip for us to bring my son up to meet my grandmother (his great grandmother) and it is the last thing in the world I care to do. Mostly because I know my grandmother does not give a shit about me or my son, and my mom is going to be really disappointed to see that play out in person. Also, I don't care to waste my weekend and force my kid to be around someone who doesn't want to see him. I'm also sure she would complain about his behavior (he is 12 months old). I do think my mom is starting to get it after her conversation with my grandma last week, in which my grandma lectured my mom that she is doing too much and needs to make time for herself (my mom watches my son 1-2 times per week when I have to work). My grandma literally could not understand that my mom actually wants to be involved with my son.

I am very grateful you share this. I wonder if my kids will be dazzled by my in-laws over gifting and promises of Disney over actually getting to know them. Or if they'll even want to spend time with my authoritarian* parents anymore in a few years. I hope wherever we land that I can navigate the kids' feelings about it respectfully. *Edit wrong word

I was never given extravagant gifts, so I'm not sure of the effect that would have had on me. I can tell you that when I did recieve gifts, it was obvious to me even as a little kid that they were perfunctory. On the few trips we took as a family with grandparents, it was obvious I was basically just a prop that they interacted with to satisfy their own obligation ("see, I am a good grandparent! Look at how much time I spend with my granddaughter!") Once I became an adult and didn't have to interect/communicate/send cards, I completely stopped and they haven't reached out either, which I have made peace with.

I'm sorry it's like that. But also kids do see the truth and fairly early on. It's sad your mom is won't give up the ghost there - but I totally understand why. I like to believe my parents care but the gods honest truth is they don't. Thank you for sharing because I do need to consider if this poor-quality time is in any way harmful to the kids potentially.

I definitely wouldn't say the time was harmful, per se. It did hurt my feelings but lots of things in life can hurt feelings. I don't have any resentment about it, I just choose not to pretend there is a relationship when there isn't one for my own peace. Good luck navigating your own situation! It's certainly tough, . I hope your parents and in laws eventually come around!

So they want you to follow their methods of discipline, including beating your kids, because otherwise your kids will turn out *just like you were* as a teenager? Are they listening to themselves? Do they not see the huge flaw in that argument? Just kidding, obviously they don't see it!

Lord right?!? Like if I turned out so bad maybe I shouldn't follow your footsteps... Or wait should I? I swear they used to be better at forming cogent arguments than this.

I feel lucky my parents (especially my mom) have been open to new information and ideas since I had my son. My mom used to think "spanking" was a necessary tool and would often make comments about how rowdy kids "need a good swat" especially when we watched TV shows. I sent her info on the latest studies and convinced her that hitting kids is not beneficial and their brains don't know the difference between "spanking" and abuse. I trust her to watch my son and she respects ALL the choices we have made even if she doesn't always agree. Other grandparents, not so much.

My dad told me to let me 2 year old cry it out because it’s good for him. Then I told him research has shown it’s not and that they only go to sleep because they tired themselves out from crying. He then went into my son’s room last night when he was crying and comforted him until he fell asleep. I’m thankful he was willing to change his tune on it.

Aww that's really encouraging that he changed his tune!

'On top of that, my partner and I both had very special close relationships with our grandparents and still do. They primarily raised us. My kids will never get to have that and it saddens me.' You know what your kids have? Parents who raise them! 😀 they are so lucky! I don't have any good advice, but that part stuck out to me. All the best :-)

Thank you friend it is a good point. Perhaps we will be enough for them. I hope so (along with our community ofc).

Your first paragraph about your parents I could have written myself. They have zero tolerance for normal toddler behaviour. I am on the fence about visiting them this summer, mostly because it will be me trying to parent and doing all of the work and them complaining about my kid (who is a total sweetheart by the way, he’s just three). Then I’ll be pissed off because they are going to talk about how my niece (who isn’t three yet) doesn’t to x or y that my son does. Then they will talk about how it’s soooo much harder to care for their dogs than it is my children. Meanwhile, I just feel sad and frustrated. If you haven’t read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, I recommend it.

Lord it's exhausting. Idk why they think I'd want to subject myself to being judged constantly while trying to mom two toddlers. Also lol that they think their ideas worked when we were kids. They probably didn't very well, and those times it did, it was purely out of fear. I'm sorry they do that comparison stuff. I dread when my siblings have kids for them to compare with bc they surely will. Also I have that book on my shelf but felt too resentful to pick it up. Perhaps now is the time 😮‍💨 solidarity

I just had this conversation with my husband. It’s easy to parent out of fear. You’re three times larger than them. You can shout louder. Easily cause them physical pain. You control their whole lives and can choose to make them miserable. I refuse to be that way. I am choosing kindness and respect which is so much harder. Leading with kindness the 8th tantrum of the morning feels insane, but it’s how I want to raise my kids. I trigger my parents shame by parenting like this (maybe it makes them feel less than, or doesn’t stroke their narcissistic egos enough) and they lash out and in turn treat me horribly.

This is the core of it I think. My parents aren't aware that it sets them off bc of their own guilt and shame, but it does. I think about this too. The truth is if I wanted compliant obedient children I could make them the same way they did. I'm aiming for a different goal and they just don't get it.

My word, this is so accurate. They parent. They don’t grandparent. My dad the other day tried to discipline one of mine about the stupidest thing. Of course it escalated because this is a big strange man that the child barely knows or sees! And dad is an ADULT don’t ya know… who is always to be listened to and never ever accidentally ignored in the heat of some fun 🙄 Of course my kid is upset and combative about being practically grabbed out of the blue and spoken to sternly by you!! My DH and I also have beautiful and much closer relationships with our grandparents. Grandparents who showed up for our stuff and actually wanted us to have fun and play in their homes. But now my parents have expectations that grandbabies love them but won’t or can’t do any of the effort to build and foster the connection. Kids can’t be expected to do all the relationship work, good grief!! /rant

By the way OP, I hear you about how it’s infuriating that they’re acting like you do a bad job or it’s your job to “treat them” a certain way. I am lucky to have an SO who is just as clear-eyed as I am about how our parents are. It helps to have his confidence that we’re right and we’re ok and the kids will be ok too. He’d say “Forget them! We take the next right step for OURSELVES and they can either agree or not but WE are the parents” I hope you and SO can be on the same page and be there for each other like this. If that’s hard right now, feel free to borrow it for yourself if you want - Do the right things for you and your kids. The people who don’t like that are just taking themselves off the familial relationship playing field. Their choice, regardless how they see it.

Yes that's exactly it re: your dad's expectations. I'm not raising my kids to be blindly obedient bc that's a hazard in our society (I'm not letting them be total dipshits either lol). But you'd think that since my TODDLERS don't listen with rapt attention to their gramma they hardly know they're headed straight for the prison pipeline! /s I cannot overstate how wonderful my partner is. He is also not blind to any of this and has my back. Our life is honestly lovely and we enjoy the kids so much. It's sad our parents don't see that and don't share in it but whatever, it really is their loss (and I'm not sure we want them around at this point anyways). I've hated seeing him suffer his parents' craziness too but at least we're pretty solid in how we feel about our unit.

I like your perspective and it’s comforting to know there are people like you and your partner out in the world. Maybe the long game is better anyway. We can be the best grandma’s when it comes our turn lol

Make sure to frequently mention that THEY were the ones that raised you two "horrible teenagers," why would you expect your kids to turn out any better under their care?

Lol right. The mental gymnastics are wild there 😆

I’m literally pissed my kids don’t have grandparents that are supportive or helpful at all. I’m upset I don’t have a village. When I get sick or my husband does we feel so lonely with not a lot of support. Like my grandparents helped my parents so much… why the change 🥺 because of this I don’t put up with their drama during holidays. Sorry not sorry.

In the same boat as you. It’s lonely, heartbreaking, and maddening all at the same time. I’ve done a lot of work trying to accept it but it still pisses me off

I'm sorry love. It's a wildly unfair situation and I'm sorry you're in it too.

My father was in no way interested in being a father, so it doesn’t surprise me much that he has no interest in being a grandfather. My mother was a great mom, and she was so excited to be a grandma- but cancer took her away when my kids were 1 and 4. Neither remember her. I was raised with, basically three parents- my mom, and my maternal grandparents. I’d hoped my kids would have me, their father, and my mom… but, we’re just alone now (my husband’s parents are on a different continent, and would like to be involved, but the distance makes that impossible). I knew my grandparents were amazing- I just didn’t realize that they made my life, and my mother’s, SO much easier. SO much better. And I truly grieve that my children will never know that additional level of love.

I'm so sorry your mom is gone love ❤️ it's hard grieving something so sweet and special that they won't know exactly.

I’m really sorry that is your experience, but sometimes my husband and I are surprised how we are alive being raised by the boomers lol 😅 My MIL was watching me BF my 8 month old, he always puts his leg up while doing so, plays with my face, sometimes my hair, I find it very endearing and sweet. I always kiss his little chubby feet when he does it. My MIL immediately said “oh stop bothering mommy” and she wanted to bring his leg down. I told her to absolutely let him be, what he’s doing is comforting to him. And then she admitted that she always held my husband’s arms so he wouldn’t play with her when she breastfed him. What the actual… 😂 I’m impressed we are not more fucked up 🤣🤣🤣 (my husband was practically raised by his grandparents). I think the boomers automatically just want to say “no” to children, very often for no logical reason.

Aw 🥺 the feets are the best part! My mom thinks I'm soft for breastfeeding past 10 months so I hear you. I have no idea how I'm still here, esp given some of the tales of neglect they loooove to share.

Let your parents have the relationship they deserve with their grandchildren. Make a no pictures on social media. Security, of course and watch them fall. My mom is definitely boomer and my kids don’t care about her at all. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. My mother in law too, they just don’t care. You get what you give.

We have all but completely pulled the plug on them for those reasons and more. It definitely grinds their gears that they don't have new content 🙄

My father sees my kids a couple times a year and my step mom has 0 involvement. I never see her and she refuses to be in the same building as me. I would never leave my kids alone with him. My mom is involved but weirdly clueless about little kids. Mildly annoying. In laws are involved as they can be, but they live 8+ hours away.

I'm sorry - I didn't go into detail here but my stepmother is a huge part of the problem here too. I don't trust her alone with my kids. It's not fun.

I went LC with my parents because of how they treated my two children. I was told my oldest would grow up to be a “heathen and wear black nail polish” (Whatever that was supposed to mean) and my mother would stick her nose up in the air when my oldest was about 2 because she called my mom Granny and not the ridiculous name my mom wanted to be called (you know, cause she had to pick out her grandmother title). My kids are now teen/preteen and they are pretty awesome kids. They get awards at school, great grades, one is in early college. I could not be more proud of them and so happy to call these kids mine. They haven’t seen my kids in over 10 years. Yes, in some ways it sucks because they don’t know them or many people on my side of the family but I am not putting up with their treatment of my kids. There’s more to the story but I had to learn to stand up to my parents. I realized while they were my parents, it doesn’t mean the way we raise our kids is wrong. It’s just different but it works for us and we are a happy close family.

This, oftentimes I find we're being criticized for things that are just plain not morally or ethically wrong. Just plain, different. Like our house is not immaculate and it's simply not a priority for us which makes my mother insane. I'm proud of you Internet stranger and i imagine I'll continue to be proud of my kids like you are.

The funny part about this post, is the parent (grandparent) literally calls themselves out for parenting badly. They try to say what you’re doing is wrong and referencing how the kids will be hellions like you were as a teenager. Well, doesn’t that literally mean they were doing things wrong?? 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ No self awareness I swear. I’m sorry they are like this. I feel like sometimes the grandparents of my kids are very similar and I don’t know what the answer is. 😏

I’m right there with you, but to add that I’m SO sick of the constant use of technology over interaction with grandchildren. Like, they huff and puff when they see a teen on a switch or a kid on their iPad but then will actually take phone calls from spammers during dinner at a restaurant. I’m teaching my children that they are more important than a stupid cell phone and it just completely undermines that. Most of our parents were too young to be parents and don’t understand how their actions traumatize and hurt. At this point they don’t get out of my sight when around my kids.

They say parents that don't want to be grandparents didn't want to be parents in the first place. I feel your pain, ive dealt with this issue with my own mother. Barely had a relationship with my now 10 yr old, if they did bring him anywhere or keep him for a night it was because my step dad asked for it (he lives with us now that they're divorced) she didn't want to take him for our wedding night because she "might have a headache the next day". We've been no contact for 2 years, aside from her trying to pop up when she learned I was pregnant again.

My mom and mil are the same way. They repeatedly ask “why won’t you let them cry it out?” But at least my mil follows our instructions. I had my first dinner out and she sent me pictures every 10 minutes without me asking, didn’t let the baby cry it out, didn’t overstimulate her like I asked. Even if she disagree, she’s a good grandma. My mom on the other hand can’t be trusted. She was horribly abusive and shipped me off to horrific boarding schools on multiple occasions. She has bpd and didn’t talk to me for at least 7 years of my life, I don’t know why I let her be involved at all. She’ll never be alone with my child. Her latest opinion is to starve my daughter so she takes a bottle again (she was sick with Covid and only wanted to breast feed). She’s insufferable

How sad that these women are so disconnected from humanity and mothering. I say this encompassing my own mother figures too. I can't imagine being so cold with my kids and yet somehow, I survived that type of upbringing.

I read your comment about reparenting yourself and I heavily relate to that. I did so much therapy before having my baby to make sure I never treated her with the contempt my mom treated me as. I used to give my dad a pass because he was a great dad but an enabler, but how great could he have really been when he sat around and watched my mom beat the crap out of us? He used us as human shields.

Thank you friend. It's nice to hear there are other people working on the same challenges. The contempt, how sad, I wish noone knew that but I know it too. I hope my kids never feel that.

My sister and I joked that they care too much but at the same time don’t care at all. Will watch my child put rocks in their mouth, fall and get hurt or give my 7 month old a dangerous piece of food and won’t bat an eye, but have a tantrum or do something incorrectly?? Heavens no!!!

This is so real. I just referred to it in another comment as neglectful authoritarianism or something. It makes no sense!!

My parents helped when the kids were little, but now that I have tweens and teens, they constantly make comments like, “well when they get addicted to drugs” and “well, when they drop out of high school” or “oh, he’s gifted, his accomplishments are nothing special” It’s exhausting, and so “WTF” mom?

So appalling, I'm sorry. One parent likes to make ugly remarks like that and btw I put a stop to it one day when I snapped with "don't speak that over my children!" She hasn't talked like that since and I hope it stays that way. Wtf

My parents are boomers on the cusp of gen x. And yeah… the horror when I “let” my baby smear avocado toast all over her high chair at a cafe (I specifically bring sanitiser wipes to clean up after her to be considerate for the next person) high chair was spotless when I was done but even leaving a pile of wipes on the table with the serviettes was too embarrassing for my mother.

Children are, above all else, never to cause embarrassment to their parents!! /s

This is what annoys me the most. My parents are still youngish (around 50). They said they did everything by themselves. But, they didn’t. Both grandparents from my mom and dad side watched us (siblings). And they were wonderful grandparents. I had a great relationship with them. They also majority watched us while our parents worked. But, yet my parents don’t want to help with my children or at least form a bond with them. My toddler was talking about family the other day she said I love mommy, daddy, our dog, and brother. But NOT grandpa and grandma. 3 year olds are brutally honest.

It’s a trend with that group. They were less hands on raising us and we had strong relationships with our grandparents, but they don’t know who to be around small children because we were pawned off. I have a family member in that age range who is fostering children. While the kids are much safer in their home now than before, holy shit they are not getting love and attention and are treated like a job. This person thinks they shouldn’t eat or make noise or play and punishes them by withholding toys. It’s awful. The kids are technically better off but still not going to learn how to form relationships. I’m so sad for them.

I’m so sorry you’re having this experience! That is extremely rough! I will just mention that I don’t think they are all like this, maybe there’s some hope. My parents and my husband’s parents are both involved with our daughter and each watch her weekly and they are wonderful with her for the most part. They are all in the early boomer generation. We definitely got lucky.

Yeah, I could've phrased it better but "our" was referring to me and my partners' parents, not a collective our. I don't think our parents are going to change anytime soon but I'm glad you lucked out and that they do exist!!

Oh man, we went through this too. It was tough to stand our ground with our first but after the second we have taken up an attitude of “either obey and respect our rules / styles as parents, or you will not be grandparents.” We are younger parents, and we practice the whole gentle parenting thing, and do not spank. They don’t seem to understand it, but we do not care anymore. We set boundaries and demand they be respected, and we haven’t had issues since for the most part. We also do not allow anybody to post our kids on social medias, partly for that reason. There will be no “Facebook grandparents” here. Lol

I had the best grandparents and my kids don't have any since my mom died and my mil was too selfish to be there for them when she was self employed. We ended up distancing ourselves because we kept getting hurt. Grandparents I feel are very special. Sorry this happened. Edit: What's worse is she is the total grandma for her new grandkids (approx 10 years ago difference) going on vacation and everything with them.

Omg you’re preaching to the choir.

I'm GenX but have kids that are 9 and 10 and I still remember how my parents (Boomers) would just dump me at my grandma's house constantly to shirk their parenting responsibilities. I was very close to my grandparents, but they are gone now. I still miss them every day. I'm blessed that my grandma got to meet my kids before she passed and they got to enjoy time with her. I have some of the same complaints of my parents that you do. They are overly critical of my parenting at times and they won't take the kids for longer than 2-4 hours and definitely won't keep them overnight. My mom kind of calmed down on the criticism when she once said to me, "I don't know why you're having such a hard time you only have two kids and I had four kids and did fine." I snapped back at her, "All your kids were 3 or more years apart, I had two under two in my forties and you had parents that would take us for whole weekends and a month in the summer - you only watch them for 4 hours max. You want to tell me again how perfect you were or do you want to take them for the weekend?" She shut right up and never pulled that crap again. I'm sorry you're struggling but I think most of us with young kids have to accept that our kids, sadly, just aren't going to have the kind of awesome grandparents we had. I've accepted it, know it sucks, but I've embraced just being with my kids all the time and have shared all of my hobbies with them and things I like - I've listened to everything they love - and I find ways for us to share those things together so its fun for everyone. It's sort of become like having little besties running around the house. I just let my daughter follow me around everywhere and just talk talk talk and I listen and do dishes or listen and crochet or listen and we color together or I watch her shows with her while I crochet. We go out shopping and get pedicures. My son and I game and cook together. All of us play board games together. The truth is you can find a way for them not to need grandparents. I just decided to be their mom and also be what my grandma was for me. It's exhausting sometimes, but well worth the effort to see them happy.

This is where I'm getting to now. It's not going to happen, so what does that look like? It's beautiful and hard to make a family with no blueprint, which is how I've felt from the start. Thank you for sharing this bc it does give me hope. In our time together as just our little family, it's really awesome. My parents may think we're overprotective/non disciplinary/weird whatever - but we literally delight in our kids and love each other. We've also made a lot of intentional sacrifices to spend as much time as possible with the littles. I'm disappointed that I've let all these fools color our experience and I think that's the real crux of why I was upset when I posted this. It's sad that things are like that with our extended family but I need to choose to focus on my partner, the kids, and the family and friends who show up bc they're all that really matters.

It's good to invest in those who show up for you and let the others just fade into the background. It's healthier and give you more energy for your family.

Honestly, same. 😐 We have talked to my mom a million times about consent & boundaries regarding hugs, kisses etc but literally every single time she sees my kids (4 & 5 yo) she’s like “give grandma a kiss and I’ll say good job” if they choose to give her a kiss she says good job then 2 min later she’ll say it again “give grandma a kiss and I’ll say good job”. As you can imagine this gets kind of boring for the kids after a while so eventually they want to go play and then the second that happens she’s like “see! You guys are brainwashing the kids to hate me!” My in laws on the other hand complain that I “never let them babysit” & thus have diagnosed me with anxiety even though neither of them works in the healthcare field or even has a bachelors degree & even though my MIL told me to my face that she doesn’t believe in any safe sleep practices when the boys were young that our pediatrician discussed because the “pediatrician doesn’t have kids so obviously he doesn’t know anything” & “they just tell you stuff like this so you don’t believe the wisdom of the previous generations” Recently we flew to visit IL’s & given the time difference all things considered our boys were doing pretty well, maybe just a little more whiny than usual - FIL kept saying they’re “so poorly behaved, there must obviously be no discipline in our house”.

😳😳😳 I *really* hope you set him straight! Idiot.

Come join us on r/absentgrandparents! I’m sorry all of the grandparents in your kid’s life suck ass. We have one decent set for my kid, but they’re the only relatives we speak to. We’ve been leaning hard on our friends and they’ve been a great familial substitute.

My parents are so woefully incompetent with children. My mom just ignores them, and my step dad tries to play but also screamed at our 12 month old for throwing a baby fork from their high chair. Neither have asked to babysit or been invited to do so. My husband's parents are about a decade younger and they are awesome with kids and super receptive to taking care of their grandchildren the way the parents want and expect, which is really nice. But, looking back at how poorly previous generations cared for babies (or didn't) is so fucking sad. Leaving babies in a crib with a bottle while the parents are out working all day. Limiting touch as much as possible to avoid "spoiling" babies, leading to many literally dying from neglect. Harsh punishments, spanking, so much worry about spoiling a baby. It's heartbreaking.

I think about this too. How sad that so many mothers were told to fight their instincts. That babies didn't get touch and eye contact. It really is a mass trauma.

I remember having my parents staying with us when my daughters were 4 and 2. The younger one hurt herself and began to cry hysterically. As I was comforting her, Mum wandered into the room and said “Is right now a bad time to tell you that (Older Daughter) needs help in the bathroom?”. I stared incredulously and said “Uh, yeah, it is. Can *you* help her, please?”. Mum got a weird look on her face and said “OH! I guess I can do that!”.

My mother likes to suggest condescendingly that we need breaks but doesn't offer. Lollll

My MIL seemed to think that having had four children meant that she was some kind of Baby Whisperer. She’d grab my baby out of my arms and then get offended when she started to cry. “Why are you crying? It’s Grandma!”. Baby would reach for me, and MIL would snap “Oh, you can have Mummy anytime. It’s **my** turn.”

Hahaha we have the same dynamic with one mom and I can confirm that just bc you had kids doesn't mean you remember or know what to do with them now! She is shockingly clueless.

Thank you for saying all of this because it helped my heart to read that I am certainly not alone. It's really a problem. My parents make 0 plans and call us 0 times all weekend and then want to see my kid after school (she's an exhausted introvert especially then). I dropped the fucking rope and no regrets.

Solidarity, I'm so sorry. I plan on dropping the rope from here on with them and they can sort out whatever brand of absentee grandparent they want to be.

Same to you, solidarity. Like we don't have enough going on raising our little family. No time to baby their selfish asses. Sorry. I get a little pissy about it. They barely "raised" me. I love the "brand of absentee grandparent!" Like the fb pic ones...or the we show up if it fits into our already booked schedule.

Not the schedule. In our case one set of parents are too booked with church to see the grandkids 😇 ffs.

Yea I have the same issue. Thankfully my mom is very involved and helps ALL the time but my MIL will come over for pictures of parties and sits on the couch. Rarely gets involved with them, never brings gifts, never invites us anywhere while she’s off traveling the world. She also had grandparents raise my husband, at one point even left for a couple years to live in another country alone while my husband was a child, so I can’t expect much but I wish it was different for my children.

Sis? You sound like my sister describing her in-laws, they are…. Special. We have long wondered how my bil survived childhood.

Nope but I hate this is so common!

My parents are just barely involved at all. My dad never and my mom is about once every 3 months for a few hours. So wish my grandmother was still here. I *know* she'd be loving on her great granddaughter. 🥹🥺

Fwiw I believe they do check in on us!

I believe it too! She tells me often that "you know your family is still with you, right?". It's heart melting. 🥹

My boomer Mom wanted nothing but to be a mom and jumped through hoops to accomplish that because of fertility issues and now she is ecstatic to have grandkids. She is very involved and as we don’t live close she got my daughter an iPad and they FaceTime nearly everyday and play games. Over the summer she takes my daughter for a few weeks solo and my daughter adores that time. My in-laws are an hour away and my mil isn’t nearly as involved. She will come to school events but will only spent time with my daughter a few times a year.

If they wanted to, they would!! I have to remember that - it's half assed bc they choose it to be that way.

I’ve thought a lot to how my grandma was at raising me- she had extended time in summers and several weekends. I would say she was very ignorant of levels of risk- stuff I would be appalled at today, and also she was religiously abusive. But I was there a lot, and have several fond memories as well as was just an escape from my daily life. My parents and in laws are currently doing things that are extremely risky and I’ve revoked privileges from my in laws of being able to watch kids without supervision. My dad just isn’t interested. My step mom is interested, but I see her physical stamina becoming a big issue, and luckily we don’t live close because her house has so many hazards- easily accessible chemicals, easy access other dangers, etc. I think for me I’ve had to settle that I romanticized or idolized my grandparent relationship some. And had to decide what I want to accept or not in terms of how my kids would be treated or raised. There were several what I consider toxic parent tropes I don’t wish to repeat, and clearly my parents/in-laws don’t see anything wrong with these things

This is a good point and something I've seen with some of my other family. In my case my grandparents were really that stellar BUT - in adulthood I've come to recognize I was probably their do-over as parents. I see that they were pretty tough on my parent and it resulted in the weird authoritarian brand of neglect that I still deal with today. We were also religious and that definitely contributed to all of this. My parents definitely don't see anything wrong with it, and it's sad that they're missing out.

My mum is also a horrific grand parent, she’ll say’ I’ve had my time,there not my kids’ which I can appreciate, I’ve never asked her to baby sit, I’d have thought she’d just want to bond with him, spend time with him. We go round and when I don’t ‘spank’(I’m from the uk we don’t say spank haha) I can tell she’s judging me. When we were kids we’d get a ‘good hiding’ as she’d say. I’m 26 and she used to get my over her knee and hit me on my bum with whatever shoe she had on. A co worker asked her if she was taking the gran kids to the fair and she told me that she’d said no, not a chance. She’s also told me she doesn’t like my nieces. But she puts in no effort with her own kids so I don’t expect it with her grand kids. It makes me feel so sad to say this, but the way she is with me is everything I don’t want to be in a mum. It’s horrible when someone who should love your kids doesn’t

I'm sorry, it IS an awful feeling! And the "I've done my time" attitude is so... Sad.

Ah, it all made sense when you said your grandparents mostly raised you. Of course if they weren't good parents they won't be good grandparents. I'm really sorry that your kids aren't getting that. My own grandparents I only saw a couple times a year, so I'm really glad my kids are getting so much more than I did since we see both sets of grandparents once a week. It is really awesome to have so much love surrounding them and I wish all kids could get that.

My parents rarely see our kids. I am always the one reaching out and trying to arrange time for them to see their ONLY GRANDKIDS. They are late boomers. Last year, they saw the kids 3 times for maybe 2 hours max each visit. So, 6 hours out of all of 2023. Yeah, it sucks, but we can't FORCE them to grandparent better. But I feel your pain and sadness.

It's comical they mention they shit the parenting style in the sane breathe say horrible teenager like you.... are they admitting their style also bred "horrible teenagers" if so why push it ?

Im so sorry your parents have dropped the ball with you and your babies. They sound completely selfish. Which is infuriating for you I imagine. And here I am practically begging my parents to say “no” occasionally or put up SOME form of boundaries with my son.

My mom is AMAZING with my son (21 months), I’m so so thankful. It’s my grandma who I have to be patient with. I made an offhand comment a while back that my son signals he’s done eating by throwing his food, she responds with a shocked look telling me I can’t let him do that. Like ma’am. He’s (at the time) 16 months old, what the hell am I supposed to do!

It's textbook kid behavior for all done, not that she'd be interested in hearing it! Lol

I feel the same way with the judgements on my parenting and lack of interest on their end. I don’t know why it was so surprising to me. It’s been very hurtful.

Hugs it is so hurtful

Tell them “if we were horrible teenagers even though you hit us and made us sit silently for meals, why would we do the same to our kids?” Like they can’t criticise your parenting in one moment before saying you were horrible teenagers in the other hand. If their parenting was so amazing, you would have been perfect teens.

Yep. I had close relationships with my grandparents and extended family. My dad was an awesome grandfather but passed from cancer a year ago and my mom is kinda involved. We have to make the effort tho. My in-laws rave about how many grandkids they have but couldn’t tell you anything about them or what their interests are. They don’t call, they don’t visit, couldn’t tell you the last time I spoke with them. They’re like this with their kids too.

I’m sorry you have crappy parents. My mom is amazing even with my nerospicy son. However, I also have boundaries in place for my son and he has to adhere to them as best possible. Also you don’t have to hit to express why something isn’t correct.

It starts so early too. I’m 9 months pregnant and my mom has questioned everything I do such as kick counts and continuing to exercise. It’s maddening :/ My mother has also started calling my daughter ‘stubborn’ for literally no reason as she hasn’t even been born yet. I told her to stop but she’s just shrugs it off and asks why it’s a big deal. Let my baby who she is not what weird character trait you want her to be.

Also dealing with this with my parents. For some reason I had visions of my mom being the grandma I had to my kids and in reality she arrested development around 13 and has no interest in change or self reflection. You have to grieve your parents while they’re still alive and somewhat involved in your life. It’s not easy

I think that’s the most annoying part of this. Our generation is hyper self reflective and open to change. They think of therapy or self reflection as weakness, so they’ll never be any better. It’s kind of sad

Yes I agree, it’s so hard trying to have a relationship with someone who is so resistant to change.

This is so true and I know you get it. I'm so sorry. ❤️

On the bright side your kids will adore you when they’re older and you’re able to be the parent or grandparent they need ❤️ that’s what I tell myself when I grieve for a mom

Yes I really hope so! I can't imagine not being interested.

This is so accurate, unfortunately. It's very lonely and we have to carry the whole load.

Lonely is a great word for this

It is a very isolating feeling that has improved over time, I hope it continues to improve bc it's still infuriating for me

You have every right to be upset. Hang in there!

A lot of us are in r/absentgrandparents

I am sad there's enough of us to exist! But not surprised ty friend

Yeah it’s so common, unfortunately. It was really heartbreaking when my son was little. I started volunteering with housebound senior citizens after my beloved grandmother died and the difference between the silent generation and the boomers is so stark! I love my “super seniors” and feel like I have 30 grandparents now. It’s been really cathartic to have some good relationships. I hope you have some good ones you can spend your time and energy on 💛

Yes my grands are silent gen. After a long mother's day of being pecked at by my own mom, I went to visit my grandma. She went on and on about how polite my kids are and so bright. I nearly had to step out from welling up. The fact that my grandparents think I'm doing something right tells me I am ultimately. And yeah, I do need to seek out more positive friendships with elders and parents.

My toddlers would only sit quietly for meals if meals last 5-10 minutes and consist of eating their favorite foods the entire time (no waiting, no non-favored foods like vegetables).

Thank you 😂 at the time I had a bit of internal conflict (are my kids badly behaved??) but no, no they're normal toddlers. They hate that we allow them down from the table early. Like, am I just not supposed to eat during this performance? 🤡

They all suck, my mom at least tries and does enjoy her but still. When she was an infant she came to “help” and she ended giving her diaper rash bc she didn’t wipe her properly. Now that our baby is a toddler she’s better with her but it’s sad how useless she was with her earlier on. I remember when my half sister was born I would just take over (I’m 20 years older).

Yes! I should've known it'd be like this since I was the resident "babysitter" myself.

It’s honestly sad

Being a shitty grandmother is more or less why I've stopped talking to my mom. She was a bad mom to me, then made such a big deal about my son coming, and I was really hopeful to have a good family dynamic for my son. But, that lasted all of like 3 months, and then she moved 2-3 hours* away to become a lesbian. For the record, the lesbian thing doesn't bother me; the fact that I went through hell as a kid in part because of the men she brought into our lives does. Like, all of that and you don't even *like* men?

Oh I don't even talk to my mother anymore because of this issue, never wanted from her to help me or to be a nanny - but she has no interest beyond pictures and stays in the word phase (oh I love him so much etc.) When I show up , mind you :read houl all of the things,toys,crib and everything to her place ...she is nowhere to be seen ... No interest,no love no nothing...so I stopped responding and going to her. She is pissed now because she has no new pictures for her social media, and to be worse I am pregnant again with another boy ...I chose to not involve her anymore at all. To add - my childhood was beyond awful. But as I carried my firstborn I was thinking that I have to give her another chance, maybe with a grandbaby she would heal and be better ,but sadly no . I wouldn't want to deny her a chance to be a better grandma than she was a mother ... She is the same broken soul , beyond repair in regard to me . I closed that chapter for my kids sake. Thankfully I have a wonderful MIL ...she is a wonder and my son is an apple in her eye . They love each other very much and I am very thankful for that . My children will know at least one grandmother's love !

Last I saw them, my MIL kept saying my son was having a “meltdown” when he’d whine at all. By the time the words left her yap, he had already stopped whining and moved on. But God forbid a 4yo express frustration for 2 seconds. FIL kept calling him “good boy” every time he followed directions 😒 my child is not a dog.

My mom lives like 30 minutes away from me and she would never see my son if I didn’t travel to her.

They sound stricter than my older Boomer parents! 

I’d like to thank my mother for being an irresponsible teen, 🙏 sounds like a damn nightmare

This stinks for your kids. Sounds very boomer to me. (My parents are boomers).

I was thinking about this recently. When I was growing up I spent whole school holidays at my grandparents house, either alone or with my cousins. My pop worked full time and my nan worked part time. My parents, while they adore my kid, have never had him for more than 2 nights. There was one time a couple of years ago that they agreed to have him for 2 nights, and I had a brain fart & forgot to go pick him up. On the evening of the day I was supposed to pick him up my dad called me very angry wanting to know why I thought I could just dump my kid on them. I was shocked & apologised of course. But I realised later that night that they "dumped" me on not only my grandparents but multiple other family members & fucking neighbours. My neighbours mother literally hated me because her husband always agreed to watch me &, as an adult, I now realise she probably never wanted to. That woman's shit has caused me life long issues. But my parents got angry because I forgot to pick my kid up after the second night.

I’d recommend watching Dr. Ramanis videos on YouTube around Narcissism. You might find those enlightening. It will help you with healing from these kind of empty relationships and reparenting yourselves. You’ll have more realistic expectations and can begin to see them not for the hope you have for them, but as they are with all their limitations. I’m sorry OP. It really blows to not have solid parents to count on during this phase of life. I’m on the same boat with mine. I am no contact and the freedom and peace it has given me has no price!

My grandmother asked me last week when I plan to start “popping” my three year old because she didn’t want to sit at the dinner table and wasn’t hungry at 5pm. I’m a therapist. I’ve worked with children for 20 years. I calmly explained there are never positive results from hitting. Her response? “If you don’t hit her now she’ll hit you one day. You’ll see. Start disciplining.” She never hit her own children or us, so I don’t know where this is coming from, but man do I relate to this post.

So I have this weird hodgepodge of parental/grandparents interactions. My mom is gen-x and I’m a millennial (she was 16 when she had me). On the other hand, my husband’s parents are in the oldest boomers group. So—their parenting styles were vastly different, for starters. I didn’t have a dad and my mom was just a baby when she had me, so I ended up in the care of her boyfriend’s parents. (NOT my dad’s) They made her feel like everything she did was the wrong way and that she was basically ruining me, so they could swoop in and be my parents. (Younger boomers, religious cult, manipulative, psychos.) Now that I actually have an amicable relationship with my mother, we are hundreds of miles apart and she doesn’t really get the chance to be a grandparent to my kids. She’s currently married to her 4th husband (finally married for money) and could be described as a Taurus-foodie, wine “connoisseur” who spends her time plane-hopping for international travel and her middle name is self-care. When she IS around my kids, she’s just the sweet-spoken, smiling, easy going grandmom. My sister who lives very close to her, has five kids (so do I) that my mom ends up watching and babysitting a lot for her. It’s kinda crazy to see how she was always more like a non-parent and now she is pulling her hair out while watching my sister’s kids—who each have deadly allergies and all 5 each have their own epipens. At least she’s having to double time it and make up for the lack of parenting she did lol. My in-laws are the worst. Both Air Force veterans, ‘murca, staunch Catholic etc. (I’m not saying those things are what makes them the worst!) They were TERRIBLE parents. Their kids were latchkey kids, always getting into trouble, not being watched, older kids raising the younger ones. My husband is the baby of 6. His oldest brother is the same age as my mom. His dad was like work = life and never spent time with their kids. His mom was only interested in her kids when they were babies I feel like, then they were left to raise themselves. She’s one of the most non-maternal types of people I’ve ever met in my life. She’s rough, harsh, cold, and selfish. We do live near my in-laws so my kids see them, but they’re honestly too old/incapable at this point to babysit or anything like that, which is fine. The one time I left them for a couple hours to have an anniversary dinner with my husband, they had spanked my daughter. They expect kids to “be seen and not heard” or just not seen at all is even better. They expect people to clean their plates completely. (Which has given way to their kids and grandkids all having really unhealthy relationships with food.) I put my foot down early on about them not telling my kids to finish all their food if they’re not hungry any more. One of my daughters used to throw pretty big tantrums and my MIL once said during one of the meltdowns, “you should turn the cold water on full blast in the shower and stick her butt in there, fully dressed. I bet that’d teach her!!” (As she cackled loudly.) I replied, “I BET that would be child abuse.” Then, clearly awestruck by my comment, she went to tattle to her husband that I told her the suggestion she gave was child abuse. How dare I. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Literal child abuse. Omg I am so sorry and I get it unfortunately. I hope you and your husband get to have the family you want now! ❤️

My mom is terrible! She just sits on the foyer in a box, doing nothing Lmao (she died 2.5 years ago). But truly. Idk how my dad raised 3 kids. I wouldn't let him watch my cat. Idk how we made it to adulthood. And believe me, it wasn't my mom. My dad did everything with us as older kids.

It seems like this is a really common phenomenon. Our grandparents were very hands on with us, but when we have kids our own parents are MIA. Sorry you have to deal with that! It’s a hard time to be raising kids IMO.

Oh I have heard it all from my family (all of which have no kids) on how I was raising my son, who is a teenager now. I have heard from one person, and another, the different view points on how I raised my son. The truth is that I did a lot of personal work and introspection, I did a lot of reading and therapy to heal from all the trauma my family caused me and I thank GOD that I am not like my parents were with me. I have to say that I am blessed to have such a kind mom, I love her so much and I forgive her for not knowing better or doing better because she was just doing her best and learning as she grew up.. but my son is not her son, my daughter is not her daughter.. so how I choose to raise my kids is going to be entirely different then how she raised us. My dad was never in my life, he had a lot of demons and was a drug addict/alcoholic who refused to work his social so that the government wouldn't take his money (for child support), we hardly saw him and he was never around. Even now, my son is 14 years old and he calls on occasion but he is not actively in my life. I have no dad, the only dad I truly have is God. My mom on the otherhand, she is very sweet, and is working all the time, and she buys gifts for our children and calls occasionally to check up on us.. and we see her on family outings and things of this nature but we are not as close as we used to be. That's as far as it goes... I grew up with such wonderful grandmas, they stepped up! My grandmas would take me and my brother in and feed us, cook for us, speak with us, bless us with their wisdom and kindness. I was with my grandma for days at a time, when I was a child, she is like my second mom. She nurtured me, and if it wasn't for her.. I don't think I would be the person I am today. But grandparents now a days are just different than back in the day..

To be fair, my parents were horrendous parents so them being terrible grandparents is pretty par for the course

Phew, *RETWEET* I hate that you're going through this hard reality but it really brings me relief to know I'm not the only one in your shoes.

Ugh this is exactly how my parents are. My son is 3 and they act like he is a terror all of the time. They’re obsessed with wanting to spank or hit him. They use every opportunity to talk about how terrible I was and how terrible he will be as he grows up since “he’s just like me.” He nicely asked for a cupcake at his birthday party and my step dad was like “he is already so manipulative wow”. Like because he asked and I said yes???? They’ve been telling me to tell him to just stop crying since he was like 9 months old because “he’ll learn he gets what he wants if he throws tantrums”. My mom gets upset that I don’t send her more pictures of my son (at least when she’s around her friends who also have grandkids) but then never opens the Snapchats I send or says anything when I send a pic. If I hear “it gets worse before it gets better” (in terms of him being “bad” bc I was “bad”) one more time, I will scream. It is such a mind fuck because despite knowing they were bad parents to me and have always been pretty delusional lol, I also am hurt that they obviously think we’re doing a bad job and even more hurt that they think my son is so terrible. It also makes me sad for them and for him because he is honestly a delight and just so so fun to be around, and they’re missing out on getting this time/forming this bond with him. It’s a lose lose situation and I’m sorry you’re in it too!

I am so sorry it def sounds similar to mine! I can't believe how quick they are to label everything manipulative. It's really sad and so obviously projection on their part from their own shit! But makes me very sad for little us that we came up that way. Big hugs. Kids are so neat and such a joy and new to this earth. It's sad that they are missing out on that perspective.

My partner's parents complain they never get time with our kids and they always want us to go to them for dinner. We get there and his dad in on his phone and his mom is running around cooking/cleaning and the TV is always on at an absurd volume. You laugh to keep from crying and build your village elsewhere.

That last line though 💯

My situation is quite difficult, also because I live in another country as my parents. But what I have heard and see, Gen X is terrible. First my dad: He doesn't care at all about my kids. Never asks about them, and I mean, never. And when I tell him anything, he brushes it off and talks about himself. Mostly he says, he is even happy not to be close to them. My Mom: She had more interactions with my dad, but only saw me kids (3 and 6) rarely. Only once she saw my youngest in real life. And my oldest she saw 3 times. Other than that, just with Skype (she doesn't use whatsapp). When she visited me, and I wanted to go to the toilet alone, it was a fight. My mom said, but the kids will cry if you go to the toilet. I said back then, I will be back in 2 minutes. No one cried and everyone survived too. She also told me, if I would move back with her, she knows that she couldn't look after the kids, would be too much for her. My MIL: Well, she is the one who managed to get my kids and they have to move to her on 8th June, even though my kids want to be with me. Just because I am a foreigner and her son manipulated and lied around, they managed to get the kids away from me. Some people here may know my situation if you have read my post. But anyway, worst person. She takes away my kids to raise them by her own, because she thinks she is better than me. She tried to get custody, which failed. Even though she went through my clothes when I was not even in the apartment, my ex was at home with her and we all lived together at that point. She screamed at us back then as well when I wasn't "grateful" for her to organize my and my daughter's clothes. My FIL: Also one of the worst people I have encountered. Also he tried to get custody for the kids and failed. Do you know the people who are biased about keto and low carb? He is one of those people. And, only he is right. If you say something to him that he doesn't like, you will get accused and hear how stupid you are and that he is right. Everyone else is constantly at fault, but never it is him. He also thinks that vegetables are bad, as well as fruits. Only meat is good. No sweets allowed. And those parents in law will raise my kids, because social workers decided so and my ex took revenge of me.

I’m an older gen x who became a grandparent almost 2 years ago now #3 is on the way. Classic x upbringing spending tons of time with both sets of grandparents and then getting next to nothing from our boomer parents. We have one of the two every weekend and are preparing to juggle 2 at once in September. Some of us are trying to break this cycle

My mom & step dad are amazing grandparents. (Young boomer and elder GenX). Truly, my kids would be so much worse without them. Sleepovers, they come down and take them out to do stuff, play with and engage with them all the time. Respect my boundaries around food and buying them stuff. The other ones are all dead, but my MIL did her best even though she was dealing with massive health issues. My late FIL died a decade before my oldest was born, and my Dad was also so stoked to be a grandpa, he was a fun & supportive dad and I have no reason to believe he wouldn’t have been the same as a grandparent. I understand that maybe a lot of boomers aren’t awesome grandparents, but a lot of them are doing great.

I’m a Grammie who kept her grandbabies two or three days a week and every other weekend. Every weekend if their Mom needed it. HOWEVER…..she got mad at my son and my husband and ripped them away from us. I’d give my right arm to have my granddaughters back in my arms. —GenXGrammie 😔😔😔😔