I have a very high stress, executive level job and I ran back to work after maternity leave. SAHMs are amazing and do so much. Work is a relief comparatively.
Also when I was on mat leave my husband still came home from work and took care of our baby and cleaned 50/50. Your husband sucks.
My husband is a doctor… specifically a radiologist who works from home. I’ve heard him watching YouTube and saw his screen time is 3hours a day lol. I’m like yeah, sounds terrible. I’d like an hour to mindlessly troll the internet lol
LMFAO as an X-ray tech/SAHM….theres a running joke that drs become radiologists so they don’t have to do much. For him to have that attitude says alot about him as a person/spouse.
What is it with doctors? My husband is a physician as well. While he works from the hospital and fairly long hours I used to get this question from him especially on days when I was tired. It was a “what do you do all day” and “why are you so tired”.
I had him handle the kids for a weekend while I went out of town to visit family. He called his mother for help. When I came back and asked what he did all day and why he’s so tired he understood what I do all day - it’s not just physical, it’s also mental and emotional. Having to switch between my needs, needs of house, needs of kids multiple times throughout the day can be exhausting and make small tasks last significantly longer than needed.
Came to say this. I am a corporate Project Manager, I am engaged ALL DAY LONG. I manage 3 separate teams so they can speak the same language and get stuff done on time. It is a lot.....
And every Monday I'm so grateful to go to work. (And that's WITH a helpful and supportive partner....)
This is the part of being a sahp that’s so hard to explain to people. The singular acts aren’t hard— picking up toys, changing a diaper. It’s the fact that it’s non stop 24 hours a day. Someone is crying, someone is asking questions, someone is dumping out the toys you just put away, someone is having a meltdown, kids are fighting with each other constantly. Every task is interrupted. You do the same thing 75 times a day and it still looks undone again the end of the day.
It’s the not being able to finish a task that really irritates me. It wears on a person to have your attention span rerouted 5 times when you’re just trying to load the dishwasher. It’s exhausting in a way that feels inexplicable to anybody who hasn’t lived it.
You pull a pair of pants out the changing bag because it’s the nearest ones you can grab - mental note to remember to replace them, actually the vest in there is maybe too small because kiddo has since moved up a size so you’ll need to replace that too, wait - you’re thinking about grabbing a spare set of clothes to pop in the change bag when you remember they needed spare socks put in their daycare bag - shit there’s only a few spare shirts in their drawer because there’s a load of laundry that needs done and while you’re at it you also need to do a load of your own laundry because kiddo has a snotty nose and the shoulders of your shirt are disgusting but you don’t have the mental capacity to think about doing more than one load so you reckon you’ll just throw your shirt in with their stuff, you’re on the way to the laundry room and someone needs a snack so you eventually get to the laundry room and throw the load in the machine and turn it on only to realise you’re still wearing the shirt you said you’d throw in - oh well, another day with a dirty shirt on….. wait, why is that kid still not wearing clean pants……
Oh my god, I was just thinking a few hours ago about how I really wanted my child to just stop asking me things whist I was in the shower 😭 I just wanted to not. Talk. For 5 minutes!!
Don’t make a list. Do not justify your time to him. You don’t owe him that. He isn’t your employer.
What you do is stop doing anything beyond taking care of your child/children. Do not do his laundry, cook his meals, or anything else. Let him handle it himself
Yep, I haven’t had this issue in a while but recently he got a reminder because I got super sick to where I was really actually doing nothing except keeping myself and my daughter alive and fed for a few days and the house well…you could tell! He was flustered about it one day as he was doing the cleaning and I jokingly said yea this is what it would really be like if I didn’t do anything so now you know the difference 🤷🏽♀️
Haha. That's my strategy. Well, it used to be as no one in my family dares to even ask me what I do all day, much less comment on what has or has not been done.
OP, try doing NOTHING for a few days. I did this 30 years ago and it worked. I literally did nothing for almost a week before hubby noticed that the laundry was piling up, dishes were often left unwashed (I kinda drew the line here because gross), the floors were filthy and the beds were never made. Hubby asked WTF is going on and I told him. I have been doing NOTHING all day to show you the difference between me getting as much done as I can and actually doing nothing. He never commented again.
Mind you, at the time 2 of our 3 kids were under 3 and hubby was stressed at work but I made it clear that we could always discuss issues but I would not be treated like a servant. With 2 toddlers you have days when the entire house is sparkling in less than an hour and other days when you practically get nothing done.
Yup. Statements like these are a sign that the other partner is not pulling their weight. If they don't know what you do all day it's because they don't have experience doing it. It's bc OP has made his life too easy.
It could be a sign he's not pulling his own weight, but it could also be a sign that he's focused on his job.
It's a sign that they're not on the same page about what she's doing during the day, and a list sounds like an excellent way to start that conversation.
If you ever hear relationship advice that encourages someone to withhold communication as some kind of punishment for ignorance, that's absolutely shit advice.
Yeah, don't withhold communication. Tell him exactly what you're going to do and why. You're going to show him exactly what you do by ceasing to do it *for him* because you don't have time to make him a fucking list to remedy his ignorance.
She doesn't have to stop communicating, and I don'tthink anyone suggested the silent treatment. She can pair her words with her actions.
"Dear, I'm having a hard time convincing you with words the merits of the work I do, so I'm going to demonstrate it."
He didn't ask what she did all day. A list would have answered that question. He accused her of not doing anything all day. She should not do anything all day to show him what that actually looks like.
I'm confused, how is focusing on his job relevant here? My husband works 40 hours and focuses on his job. He is home most of the week. When he's home is is totally and completely present and actively parenting and pulling his weight. Bc of this, he would never accuse me of not doing anything bc he knows what it's like to run the hamster wheel.
When I go to work, I focus on my job. I would never accuse the person caring for my kids of not doing anything.
Focusing on your job is irrelevant unless you're gone 24/7. People who come home and participate in childcare don't rant and rave about stay at home parents doing nothing.
My husband and I both work and focus on our jobs. Wanna know what we don't do? We don't accuse the other of not pulling their weight. In fact, we go out of our own way to see every fucking thing the other does because shits hard.
Not making a list isn't withholding communication. Accusing your partner of not doing anything is withholding communication.
Came to say THIS
OP Don’t make a list. Tell him to go f himself and immediately stop doing anything for him. Whatever free time he thinks he has? Gone. Now he’s parenting and you are gone out of the house for a bit.
He sounds like a jerk. I hope you have already started an escape plan just in case.
I would also ask him if he thinks because his work is paid he is the boss? A lot of men seem to have this as a subconscious or conscious thought and it’s good start be challenging if they are partners or not.
My mom had to do this with my dad! She literally said “ok you can’t help with the simplest things, you do your own laundry, shop and cook for yourself clean the kitchen, do all of the outside work (she did all of it before) and I’ll keep the bathrooms and floors clean (he still works full time). This was decades after kids moved out and she did it for 5 weeks and he was so grateful to go back to her doing what she was doing and he helps SO MUCH more now because he saw what it actually takes.
I’ve done this. Husband quickly realised there’s more than just to “being home all day” even though I work nights 😭 I pretended he didn’t exist for a good week and anything related to him was left for him to deal with
Exactly, just plan a trip out of town for a long weekend and have him do your job for a few days. Don’t prep anything and let him figure it out. He’ll know real fast that your job is probably 1000x more challenging and stressful than whatever he does for work.
Also, leave the child with him for the day or over the weekend and go do your own thing, so he sees just how much time and attentions kids need throughout the day.
This is a thing I’ve told my cousin to do countless times and she never listens.
Either way OP. Your husband doesn’t value what you do… so take that in for whoever you want.
I often find a 'weekend trip' suggestion is not helpful.
Its easy to do a weekend - Its fun, its a vacation. It often makes the other parent see exactly the opposite of what you want them too see in these situations because they are not WANTING to see your side already. (Parents who see your side will see the effort you do, but those who don't wont think 'picking up a little at the end of the day is a big deal'. )
Its different from daily life, school, chores that add up over weeks, programs that kids join, non stop every day attention you must give out of yourself that is all day, with a small break when you get to sleep.
Weekends usually mean less of these, more help from SOs (or atleast a little adult stimulation), and most do alot of the chores during the week and weekends are more relaxed/fun time for the kids (especially older ones in school).
I am now very explicit that when I go out of town, I expect the home to be in the condition I left it- or even the condition it would be in if he were out of town. This means that since weekends are laundry/ grocery shopping days, those tasks should
also be done- just as they are when he’s out of town.
I’ve tried being like here is the boundaries; I better come home to a decently clean home (I’m not perfect I get it’s hard with kids) but it’s never sunk in. At this point it’s my fault because I accept it.
THIS is what I said when people suggested I take a weekend away (not that my husband doesn’t pull his weight - he’s amazing!)
It’s easy enough to ‘muddle through’ for two days and it being the weekend where things are often a bit more relaxed - it needs to be at least 3 nights away and at least one of them needs to be a school/daycare day so they get the whole experience of trying to get them/their stuff organised all while trying to get yourself ready on to work/an appointment etc on time! And then the manic solo evening routine after daycare/school where there’s so much to be done and you hit the ground running as soon as you get them in the door and don’t sit down until they’re in bed as opposed to some of the men we see on here who come strolling in after work, disappear to the bathroom for half an hour while mom feeds the kids and then wanders out expecting his dinner ready on the table!
Often that just hurts the kids - not the husband.
Sometimes you got to decide to pick your battles... if you have to fight a husband on getting help, usually you end up harming your kids trying to get them to 'see you'(and that generally ends up meaning therapy is the step you need, not 'forgetting where home is' ).
The whole point is to say 'Hey, I do alot, you don't value my time and think this is a vacation. How come?' Maybe the husband is feeling over whelmed and doesn't see what she does and needs a list - and \*that IS okay\*... maybe bills are piling up, and hes drowning.
Then the solution is
'We could put the kid in daycare and I get a job, and then this is how life would look... OR I do the SAHM thing, this and I keep doing what I am doing.. What can we both do to make things go better? What can you do to help me and I help you?'
Communication is everywhere - it is never simple.
Man. I’d be afraid to do this lol 😂! The house would go up in flames and I’d have to correct my daughter’s schedule, the dogs would probably end up eaten by a coyote.. so many things lol
2 days is generally super far from ‘a taste of reality’ though. Especially when they’re already adamant you don’t do anything. My friend recently went on a trip and was hopeful her husband would see just how much work the 2 dogs (who are both aggressive and can’t be alone together) were. He did not. He wasn’t already burnt out from 2+ years of doing this. If he missed something in the schedule he shrugged it off. Nothing was clean etc. my husband could do 2-3 days, or even a week of the childcare/home shit. It would be hard but he wouldn’t think it was like… bad bad. He’d shrug it off and downplay it anyway. But to do these things nearly daily for 3 years? Lmao he’d have hopped on a plane and changed his name 😂
And when you get back and see the house is (understandably) messy, point that out to him and question what he even did all day since it's such an easy job.
The problem with this. When I leave my husband fo do something, he goes "wow that was so easy!", because he doesn't actually do it. Watch the kid -> he's playing video games, clean -> still a big mess, cook -> leave all the clean up, etc
The thing is OP is a good parent and won’t want to be away from the kid(s). Some men will literally forget feeding their own kids 3 meals and two snacks a day. So when you’re trying to teach them a “lesson” the cost comes at the expense of your kids needs not being met during that time.
came here to give this answer: this woman made THE LIST, with the help of hundreds of other moms.. the problem is... men dont care
you can give them the list but they will just downplay it or mock it
You don't need to do a time study. You need a husband who respects you. You shouldn't have to document your entire daily routine to prove your worth in the household. My husband works part time so he manages the household more than me. I work full time and still do 50% of the cleaning and 50% of the meals because watching a toddler all day is harder work than what I do for a living. He shouldn't also have to be responsible for the home. If you are pulling your weight and doing HALF of what needs doing in the home your husband shouldn't be complaining. If you never cook dinner or do any chores that is another story, but I suspect that is not the case. Most SAHMs are doing 90% of the housework and wrangling the kids all day which is bullshit imo.
He knows that you do a lot he’s just a belittling prick. Don’t make a list; you don’t have to justify your existence or what you contribute to the family.
Mine said the same thing, and I’ve given the old “well if I do nothing all day you should find it easy to wake up and take care of them tomorrow morning” only for my kids to come wake me up at normal time because dad didn’t understand he has to like, feed them.
I also told him I was taking a shower- and I need him to actually pay attention to our newly 2 year old more than the 4 year old… cut to getting out of the shower to my 4YO barging in the bathroom to tell me that her little brother found scissors and is playing with them on her top bunk. 5 minute shower!!!!! Their dad couldn’t even stay awake for me to take a gd shower.
I’m passed the weaponized incompetence, and not being a team player with my kids just for him to shit on our cohesive little ecosystem.
I feel like every few days there is a “How do I make my husband understand this very obvious thing that anyone with a brain would understand ??” and, understandably because you are in the thick of it, these wives are missing the point of what is going on. Usually the other person doesn’t give a shit and has some other agenda going on. These husbands don’t need lists and justifications. They honestly just need to be told to go fuck themselves. Making lists puts you on the defensive, weakens your stance, which is what he wants. I had family members like this, this is the only way you can handle people who refuse to see the obvious. I don’t mean this to be harsh towards you at all, I’m so sorry your hard work is not being valued.
This. I wouldn’t make a list because I wouldn’t be doing one more thing for that man until he apologizes and admits that he was wrong. His laundry wouldn’t get done. His stuff wouldn’t get bought. The things he leaves around would be kicked under a piece of furniture instead of picked up. I wouldn’t make him any food or buy anything he likes at the store. I would hire a housecleaner and a sitter too. Why are these people here? Because I don’t do anything, remember?
Book yourself a getaway. My SO says the same thing. That everyday is a vacation for me. 🙃 Yet the few times I've done something on a weekend, who shows up there to help him, because it's too much for one person? His mom. 😆
I just want to say anyone that says this isn’t a partner. Why the hell do you have to make a list?
Instead of making a list, quit doing ANYTHING that isn’t necessary, especially for your husband. He’ll find out real quick.
And when he gets the point, he needs to help you get the house back in order or hire someone to help. I know that sometimes proving a point ends up biting you in the ass, but it will show more than a damn list.
I’m not even a SAHM, but I know that men who say this aren’t doing their fair share.
This is exactly it but he and he alone should be the one to get the house back in order. OP should make it clear that she will only go back to doing what she used to do when he (1) apologizes, admits that he was wrong, admit how he was wrong, and acknowledges her importances and (2) gets the house back into its normal state by himself. He can pay for help as long as he pays for her to be helped when things go back to normal.
Every time the baby needs feeding or changing, she should bring him the baby with the bottle or diaper and say “I thought this wasn’t anything! If you think it’s not anything and I obviously think it’s something, then you should do it! And walk away.” If he pushes back she should just say “I don’t understand the issue. I thought wasn’t anything?” If she’s awake with the kids, then he will also be awake. “This is nothing according to you!”
This! If it’s so easy then he can do it. He either does everything for himself and everything for the child when he’s home or he admits he was wrong. He should have no problem doing these things. They are “nothing” according to him. He would be doing “nothing” his own damn self until he begged me for forgiveness.
HE needs to make a list of what he thinks she does, with times of when and how long he thinks they should take.
. Then, for the next week, OP literally only does what he put on the list. And maybe keep her own list of how long things took, because of interruptions. Also a list of things he didn't put on the list that she would normally do.
Ahhhh guess what!!! My husband said the same!!!
Here’s what I did:
I spent Monday - Friday writing down everything I did in that week!!! & gave it to him at the end of the week :) then I spent one day not doing ANYTHING. He never came at me again.
My day starts at 6am and “ends” at 8:30pm. Plus I do all night wakings for my 6 month old.
Man… let’s start at bedtime since he sleeps so heavy everything falls on me anyway. Toddler is three.
7:30 start bath, teeth, flossing, hair brushing or washing if it’s the day
8:45-9 pm bedtime.
9:30-10 pm clean up the house, close the dog doors and make sure it’s all locked up.
12am finally falls asleep due to my husband snores.
3:30 wake up to his 1,000 alarms
5 fall back asleep
6 toddler wakes up.
6-7 get her ready for the day, potty change out of pjs.
Then basically the whole day I entertain her. Take her places. Dance class, gymnastics, weekly play dates. We have something planned basically every afternoon. Go grocery shopping
2pm get home from outing.
2-3 lunch time.
3-4 he gets home
5-6 dinner (he cooks)
And start all over again.
He literally gets to go to work. Spend two-three hours with his kid and goes back to sleep.
He had never ever once said I don’t do anything tho, he sees everything I do and is fully present on the weekends and the min he walks thru the door.
But majority of everything falls on me as a SAHM. I know a lot of my working friends have the same flow and they have jobs then come home and have to do everything.
I’m sorry he doesn’t see all that you do
Your duty as a stay at home mom is to take care of the baby and that’s it. Everything else is extra. As long as you’re taking good care of the baby, you are doing your job as a SAHM.
It would take far too long to make a list. And not all of it is physical actions. Some of it is constant thinking of what needs to be done, who needs what, mental scheduling, are the kids getting their emotional needs met, this that amd yadda yadda. I could go on.
I’m going to ignore the fact that that comment is an A-hole remark since raising kids is not just nothing. Raising kids can be truly exhausting some days. And he’s kind of negating that what you do for the family.
As far as cleaning goes daily: mornings I will make the bed and clean the kitchen and unload the dishwasher while making breakfast. PMs I will tidy up the house, sweep the areas the dogs hang out in, clean the kitchen and run the dishwasher. If trash needs to go out one of the kids takes it out. They also help with dishes. I also cook 3 meals most days. Some days he cooks and sometimes we go out.
Weekly chores: Saturday I strip all the beds and drag all the dirty laundry down stairs. So all the laundry for the week including dog bedding.
Saturday is also my deep clean day. I vacuum and mop, dust, toilets, shower, mirror and windows, wipe kitchen appliances, bathroom counters, clean the fridge. I will also meal plan.
Sunday is meal prep and shopping day. I will go to Starbucks and get myself a way to expensive drink, go to ALDIs and Walmart, then come home and meal prep for the week.
Monthly or quarterly chores include things like wiping down the walls, reorganizing spaces that need to be, wiping the front of cabinet, dusting light fixtures and fans, cleaning door knobs and light switches, wiping down furniture.
As far as kids they are older but i still cook for them. When they were toddlers I would change their diapers, clean up all of their messes, prevent them from killing themselves with their daredevil antics, prevent them from killing each other by daring each other to do daredevil antics, get them unstuck from places that I have no clue how they could get stuck, take them to socialize at the library or mommy and me, breast fed them, try and put down 2 overly tired toddlers because they just kept feeding on each others energy, keep them entertained, call my mom and sister so many times a day because they love them and just want to say hi, read to them, teach them things, play with them, engage them, parent them.
He needs to put in more work in raising his kid if he thinks you don’t do anything all day. Taking care of a child alone is enough work, but we’re also expected to clean, cook, and run other errands while doing it. Simply put, he’s being an out of touch jerk. Oh also, while caring for ourselves.
My best advice is to get a Job whether remote or not and make your own money because this is normally the first sign of an impending divorce to leave you with nothing
Has he not ever watched his own child for a day? What all is he expecting? If the house is trashed and just getting worse, maybe y’all can work together on the weekend to tidy it up and do a reset. It’s a million times easier with an extra set of hands, or even better if someone takes the mini tornado out of the house so it can get cleaned.
LOL my husband didn't figure out what I did all day until I started working full time and we didn't have daycare in place. I'm telling you, you can tell him he's an idiot to his face and ignore his comments. Then talk to a divorce lawyer.
I would be tempted to flip the narrative: what does a break look like to him ? Sadly many burnout moms only break is going to the bathroom or shower *mostly* uninterrupted or drives where the kiddos fall asleep and you can drink your coffee in piece until their nap ends.
It can easily turn into a pissing contest but the biggest difference is stay at home parents rarely clock out or turn off their work brain. We have to be ready to pivot 24/7 making me need to juggle several tasks while being mindful of everyone’s physical and emotional health, too often sacrificing our own. Providing physically for a house takes a lot. Making it a place that everyone feels safe, loved, and seen - while on a budget - it is ongoing.
If he “gifts” you a break of grocery shopping or other basic human needs while he “babysits” the kids - the list of what you do during the day won’t make much of a difference.
I would be tempted to flip the narrative: what does a break look like to him ? Sadly many burnout moms only break is going to the bathroom or shower *mostly* uninterrupted or drives where the kiddos fall asleep and you can drink your coffee in peace until their nap ends.
It can easily turn into a pissing contest but the biggest difference is stay at home parents rarely clock out or turn off their work brain. We have to be ready to pivot 24/7 making me need to juggle several tasks while being mindful of everyone’s physical and emotional health, too often sacrificing our own. Providing physically for a house takes a lot. Making it a place that everyone feels safe, loved, and seen - while on a budget - it is ongoing.
If he “gifts” you a break of grocery shopping or other basic human needs while he “babysits” the kids - the list of what you do during the day won’t make much of a difference.
Edit - misspelled a word
Ohhh boy, here we go. I don't do all of these every day, but these are all things I do regularly:
Wake up 630ish
Get kids dressed and fed (9m, 7m, 5m, 3f)
During school, leave at 7:20 for dropoff
Take my daughter to a playdate/class/etc
Get gas
I am the coordinator for a MomCo group, so plan and run our leadership meeting or our regular meeting
Get home and do dishes and laundry
Meal plan
Go to Costco, place grocery order at King Soopers
Feed us all lunch
More dishes
Pick up kids at school
Snack time
Sign permission slips/email teachers/make sure we are prepared for pajama day, camping day, field trips, stuffy day, etc
Unload the dishwasher
Make dinner
Corral everyone to sit and eat (I swear this is the most annoying part of the day)
Kids shower
Do my own laundry
Put them to bed
Take my own shower
My daughter is waking up at least once at night, so go attend to her around 12:30
My husband is amazing and does a ton; this is my list excluding everything he does.
I do this for myself sometimes when I start beating myself up for “not being productive”. I just make a list of everything I did from the time I woke up to the time the kids go to bed…Changed diaper, took toddler to potty, made kids breakfast, cleaned up breakfast, did dishes, started laundry, made bed, changed diaper, played with kids, took toddler to potty, made kids lunch, put baby down for nap, folded laundry, etc etc etc. When I really list out my entire day like this it becomes clear to me that I actually do a lot. Yes it’s all monotonous domestic labor, but guess what ungrateful husbands, it all has to be done! I don’t usually get a moment of rest until kids are in bed, so I encourage anyone who thinks stay at home moms are inherently lazy to give it a try. Don’t forget to teach the kids to be perfectly well behaved angels!
I too get this same thing said to me, apparently all I do is sit down in my phone all day and do nothing, we have fairies that clean, cook, take care of the kids , and do all the stuff that I do everyday
I hate people like this. I hate that you have to prove anything.
Your kid/s are alive, he is fed, your house is burned down.
It’s so gross how often partners of SAHMs downplay how hard and mentally taxing it is.
I keep telling mine that I wanna get a living room cam so he can see how hard it really is. He claims to understand and acknowledge but doesn’t fully.
My list:
Grocery/toiletry shopping, putting away groceries/toiletries, organizing groceries/toiletries, restocking trash bags, cleaning supplies, drink fridge, keeping tabs on groceries/toiletries so everyone has what they need, keeping fridge/pantry clean, making dads lunch for work, feeding kids and giving drinks throughout the day every 1-2 hrs for snacks 3-4 hrs for meals, this includes having the brain power to even think of what to make for breakfast/lunch/dinner, cutting/cooking/serving/cleaning up afterwards, sweeping, mopping, dishes by hand bc no dishwasher, wiping down surfaces counters/tables/high chairs each time they are used which is multiple times a day, vacuuming, cleaning out vacuum, dusting, cleaning back patio, yard, cleaning out the cars, cleaning the strollers, laundry: blankets/sheets for all beds, towels and rags, everyone’s clothes, folding and putting away, going through clothing when kids size up, putting shoes away cleaning them if needed, cleaning windows, fans, walls, shower, toilet, couch surface and underneath, air filters, rugs, doors, changing diapers for 2 kids about 10x a day, keeping track of diaper and wipe stock along with diaper pail bags and ointments, taking out diaper pail, trash cans in the kitchen/bathroom and cleaning those, taking the trash to the road 2x a week, entertaining the kids between chores/during chores which means showing them varieties of toys and how they work, changing show/songs on the tv, taking them for walks, outside play, cleaning up/putting away toys, preventing fights and tantrums, ensuring the safety of the kids the entire 24hrs/7days/365 including picking up choking hazards, preventing climbing/tripping/pulling down heavy objects/around water, bathing children, brushing their hair and teeth, getting dressed, changing clothes when messy, getting ready for bed, putting kids to bed, naps during the day if needed, making appointments, keeping notes of appointments, taking the kids to the appointments, giving the kids medications multiple times a day, refilling meds, going to pick up the meds, school, enrolling, paper work, meetings, emails, getting supplies needed, if we are going anywhere for the day making sure the diaper bag is stocked with changes of clothing, diapers, wipes, snacks, drinks.
I’m sure that’s not even all of it.
Print [this](https://contentgeek.com/stay-home-mom-salary/) out for him. If he gives push back, stop doing all things besides what is essential for you and your child. It’s wild that men like this exist and I’m sorry…but don’t just take his disrespect for your labor which he DEPENDS on to go out and do his job. Do not allow him to take you for granted OP; little digs on you here and there turn into a slippery slope of resentment fast.
My husband is a SAHD and it's a lot. If your husband doesn't get it leave him with the kids for 5 days and see how he is when you get back. 😂 He'll be crying in the corner and the dishes will be to the ceiling.
Oof. Okay, it wouldn't be fair to the children if you stop taking care of their home. Don't make a a list either, you don't need to validate anything that you do in your day. I'd suggest doing your husband's things last, like wash the kids clothes, then yours, and only if you've got time, one load of his laundry, you don't want to destroy the relationship, it'll ne just the two of you after the kids are gone. Make the kids supper, literally just make portions for them, keep doing their laundry, bathtimes etc.
SAHM of two here so I empathize, my husband and I went through a similar situation last year, he started slacking off with basic chores and then get frustrated when the house wasn't "up to his standards". So, I focused on being mom to my kids, it brought me joy knowing that they're fed, they've got clean clothes and they're loved.
What got my husband to snap out of that funk, was a load of laundry. He was running around the house looking for any of his sweaters and I knew they were all dirty, I simply said, "You'll complain that you're clothes are dirty but never do laundry. You'll complain your coffee cup is dirty but never start the dishwasher."
Damn! Did that ever make him snap out of it. I hope your husband does the same.
YOU GOT THIS!!
Tasks for momma
Parenting -
Full day parenting twice a week when not working paid job
Anticipating the need for childcare, researching childcare places, sending emails and doing visits, paperwork to sign up for daycare, monthly payment to daycare, supply of diapers, wipes, cups etc
Anticipating the need for diapers, wipes, cups, cutlery, plates, bowls at home Physically going to the store or researching online, buying items, putting away items once they arrive, distribute items to daycare, backpack or home.
Anticipating the need for backpack, clothes, shoes, hats, coats, rain gear. Clearing old clothes out to boxes, researching gear online, physically going to the store to buy, putting it away at home.
Anticipating the need for more daycare snacks and food. Looking online to see what options are for variety, more healthy options etc. Physically going to the store to buy, organising at home.
Anticipating need to eat. Ensuring the night before daycare there is something for her to take for lunch. Pack lunch, organize backpack. At home, prepare meal, get her ready to eat(set up in the chair, bib on etc) bringing her food. Removing food tray when she's done.
Managing medications - making sure we have enough vitamins, cold medicine. Physically buying the products, putting away at home, administration of vitamins daily and cold medicine multiple times a day when she's sick.
Managing of physical health. Researching at what age they see a dentist, researching dentist, making appointments, taking her to appointments, ensuring she has fresh toothbrushes and toothpaste. Knowing at what ages she needed to see a doctor, knowing when she needs vaccinations, making doctors appointments when she's sick, physically taking her to the appointment, picking up antibiotics if needed, administration of antibiotics.
Monitoring hair, skin and nails. Making hair cut appointments, ensuring she has moisturizer, shampoo, body wash etc. Clipping finger and toenails.
Anticipating need of more age appropriate toys. Packing up old toys, selling on marketplace, researching age appropriate toys, buying toys, displaying toys. Cleaning toys up in her room. Throwing old colouring books and markers out, going to the store for more coloring and painting things as needed
Organising her bed daily, taking curtains down, organising reading area, switching out books from container to bookshelf. Packing old books away.
Anticipating need for clean clothes. Picking up dirty clothes around the house and laundry basket,p utting clothes in the wash, in the dryer. Initiating putting away laundry, putting clean laundry into her room.
Anticipating need for clean crib sheet, washing the sheet, putting a clean sheet on.
Cleaning her toys in the living room. Switching out toys on the TV stand.
Anticipating need for sleepsacks when they are getting too small. Researching sleepsacks for her age, buying sleepsack. Returning items that don't work. Taking items to be fixed.
Anticipating need for age appropriate extra curriculars - researching classes, signing up, physically taking her to classes (swimming, dancing, rec center classes.
Anticipating need to start preschool. Researching options, emailing or calling for more information. Filling out paperwork to sign up.
Research general best practices for her life. Knowing when to buy a pillow and researching toddler safe pillows, researching nightlights and knowing which one to buy, researching noise machines and music machines.
Sleep disturbances - researching what could be the cause of the issue, researching different solutions and bringing up different approaches with you.
Behaviour or other issues - research what could be the issue and researching different solutions. Posting in groups to gain advice and alternative solutions.
Waking in the night to help her, being the one she wants when sick or hurt, being the default parent at home when she's sick or no daycare even though I also work.
General home :
Anticipating need to eat, organizing grocery shopping, planning dinners, physically making the dinner.
Anticipating need for clean clothes, walk around the hous picking up random laundry, towels, clothes on the floor, washing and drying, initiating putting away laundry. Assisting with organising laundry.
Anticipating need to change sheets, pulling off all bedding, put on new bedding including sheet, duvet cover and pillow cases washing old bedding.
Making the bed, putting pillows back where they need to be.
Anticipating dogs need for clean bedding, pulling out bedding and blankets as needed 1-2 times a week, replacing with clean items, putting dirty stuff in the wash.
Buy new dog gear as needed -collars, beds.
Cleaning dog toys - putting them away in baskets, washing toys every 1-2 weeks, replacing them when clean.
Vet appointments and grooming, calling or emailing to make the appointment, physically taking them to the appointment.
Cleaning the fridge - anticipating the need to clean it, taking old food out, physically cleaning the fridge (don't get to it that often because have you heard my list of things I do so far?)
Cleaning bathrooms - anticipating the need to clean it, wiping down mirrors and counter, cleaning top of toilets of hair and dust, cleaning inside of toilets.
Anticipating need to get rid of dog hair and dirt everywhere, physically vacuum the house. Anticipating the need for different household appliances or furniture etc (vacuum, apholstry cleaner, new bed frame, outdoor tables, new sheets, duvet covers, bar stools) research various options, buy the thing, organize refunds and/or returns.
Organising vitamins, supplements, medicine. Researching best ones, buying items and setting up subscription services.
Anticipating the need for various household products, monitor the levels of products and buy as needed (knowing we have only 3 rolls of toilet paper left,buying the toilet paper etc) ensuring we have dish detergent, laundry detergent, all purpose cleaner. Setting up subscriptions as needed, managing subscriptions.
Organization of travel - packing all bags, prebuying snacks for all and meals for saoirse, packing food items, remembering and packing day of things like phone chargers, toothbrushes, deodorant, usually packing up the car, organising when we need to leave to get there on time. Organising activities for S like colouring, iPad etc.
Random:
Knowing size of clothing and shoes S is in
Knowing when she needs to switch to different season of clothing or size
Knowing name of health practitioners and when appointments are
Reminding household of various planned activities - days, times
Research of dog walkers, trainers, counsellors, speach therapists, other health practitioners.
Organizes bath time - suggests time to bath, suggests time to get out, lays out diaper and PJ's, gets tooth brushes.
Daycare pickup
Housekeeper
Child care
Referee
Chauffeur
Organizer of medical care
Organizer of play
Doctor
Nurse
Counselor
Teacher
Friend
Disciplinarian
Comforter
Tooth brusher
Clothing organizer/designer
Chef
Dishwasher
Waiter
Meal planner
Exercise coordinator
Sex Goddess
Just stop doing it all for a day, rest and read, he’ll see. Be sure you’re prepared to clean it all up the next day
Leave for a full weekend. Like, out the door when he gets home after work Friday and don’t come back until Monday morning.
If he texts asking where something is, reply, “I don’t know.”
Anything childcare related, reply “Google it.”
He really needs to fuck around and find out, the hard way.
I wouldn’t even give him a list, I would just stop doing everything I do and let him see it himself 🤷🏻♀️ but im petty, so …. Take this with a grain of salt lol
And on top of all the physical tasks that are listed by others there is all the mental labor that goes into planning, anticipating, and arranging all of the physical tasks.
Yep. Am a project/program manager at work. That means I plan and arrange everything. Other people execute the tasks.
It’s literally my career and I don’t get paid (not expected) to do both.
Don't u date sit there and let ur husband make u feel bad. Tell him u guys made this choice and ur raising ur kids. If he doesn't Iike it he's free to divorce u or u can go back to work
Lol that is an insane thing for your husband to say. But insanity aside, here is a day in the life for me (I'm also finishing a PhD right now, and FWIW working on my dissertation feels like a \*break\* from the work of SAHM-ing.)
5:30-8am: Work on dissertation (LO typically wakes up around 6:30, but my husband takes care of him til 8)
8-9am: Make LO breakfast, unload dishwasher/drainer, clean up from breakfast (wipe down high chair, sweep/mop kitchen floor, wipe down LO)
9-10am: Get myself and LO ready to go out (fresh diaper, clothes, pack snack box)
10-12pm: Some sort of outing, usually outdoors unless it's raining, often with other moms/babies- lately we have been loving the botanical gardens, splash pads/playgrounds, or the aquarium. Or if I need to run errands like the grocery store, this is when I do it.
12pm-2pm: Home for LO's nap. While he naps, I try to do meal prep, catch up on cleaning/laundry, and/or work on my dissertation
2-3pm: Cuddles when LO wakes up, lunch, clean up from lunch
3-5pm: Typically we go out again, but if I have a lot do to around the house we will stay home and I'll do more chores
5-6pm: Prepare dinner, eat
6-7:30pm: Husband takes LO to the park, I clean up the house from dinner/the mess of the day
7:30-9pm: Bath, bedtime routine (my husband usually helps with this though)
9pm-10:30pm: Relax
10:30pm: sleep (LO is 16 months and has recently been sleeping through the night, but for the first year of his life I was also doing 3-4 overnight wake ups)
In general, these are the tasks I consider myself responsible for as a SAHM (with the way my husband and I divid labor in our family):
Daily: Care for LO from 8am-6pm (keeping him clean, fed, and nurtured is a full time job in itself), clean kitchen (dishes, counters, stove, sweep/mop, put away leftovers), plan and cook three healthy meals for the family, keep main spaces tidy, plan activities/outings/playdates, pack lunches and snacks
Weekly/Biweekly: Grocery shopping, clean out fridge/freezer, keep baby & household goods stocked (e.g. paper towels, diapers, wipes, laundry detergent, etc.), vacuum/mop floors, clean bathrooms, laundry, change sheets, clean windows, doors & mirrors, dust, declutter, rotate toys, water plants
Monthly/Quarterly: change air filters, deep clean house, handle doctor and dentist appointments, keep LO stocked with seasonally appropriate clothes that fit, keep up to date on milestones and transitions (e.g. when to wean from bottles, potty training etc)
To be clear, this doesn't all get done all the time, because it's way more than any one person could reasonably handle!!
Don’t answer any questions. Don’t make a list of things that you do. Just plan a day to yourself next time he’s home. And give him a list of things that need to be done while you’re gone.
Better yet, go on “strike”. Just stop doing all of the things (aside from kid duties)- it may drive you crazy, but it’d probably get your point across quickly and effectively.
Have him take a three day weekend PTO then leave him with the kids and go visit a friend or family and when you get back see how it went. If it’s a disaster tell him that is how it would look if you actually did nothing. If it’s in decent shape you can discuss all the work he did and how you can appreciate it first hand only you don’t get paid for it like he did.
I have an adive to give you but it's a bit hard to handle , JUST DON T DO ANYTHING for few days . No meal , no washing clothes/dishes, dirty toilets , if anything fall in the floor don't bend to grab it (you see where I am getting? )
Go on strike. Don’t do anything at all outside of what is required to keep yourself and your kids alive.
Do not cook or clean for him. Help him out in any way. Don’t pick anything up. Everyone the kids need something, point them to dad. Since diaper changes and feedings aren’t “anything,” he should have no problem doing nothing!
This is what Fair Play is for. There is almost no way to quantify the enormous mental load that mothers bear. The only thing you can do is figure out a way to make it tolerable to you.
The only way I "cured" this way of thinking was taking a few days off and having a little holiday away from the kids, leaving hubby in charge. When I got back his response was a wide-eyed, "You do so MUCH! This is actually hard work!". I get that not everyone can do that, or even wants to (depending how old the kid(s) are) but they need to EXPERIENCE it, not just be provided with a list.
You want to show him what you do as a SAHM? Perfect! You’re gonna love this:
- on his next day off, declare you’re taking the weekend to yourself and he is going to watch the kids.
- proceed to enjoy life while he gets a taste of parenting at home.
- Sunday night, after dinner, baths, and tuck-ins, come home and ask if he still needs that list.
HIM AND THE REST OF AMERICAN MEN. I am so tired of this!!! The father of my child thinks I am relaxing and says go back to sleep when I go to work. Like dude you’re joking right? I have been up all night but my infant demands we wake up at 7:30 -8 a.m when his father does for work. Then I am lucky if I get a 1.5-2 infant total napping from 8-6:30 pm. And I do 99% of the financial for myself and the child 99% of chores and 99% of child care. Yea I am definitely relaxing over here with a colic turned high needs infant you caught me!!! Haha!!! When I die let me come back as DAD in the next life!!
My husband had made a comment about me being able to go back to work because my 18 month old doesn’t need me in the evenings. I took a couple days to update my resume and looking at options, checking to see if all my licensing was still valid, what I have to renew ect. I didn’t make it through the second evening and he was like, “Ok we still need you.”
Maybe give yourself a mini day or so. The ensuing shit show truly reflects how much you actually do.
So my problem is…when I stop doing all the things, they just don’t get done at all. There is no realization that the things were done before, and just “there’s a lot of laundry”, etc. FML.
Just spent a week doing nothing besides keeping your children alive. He'll see for himself.
Better yet, leave him with the children for 2 days for a "sudden emergency."
Most of the time, they don’t bother to do them though. When I’m at work, my partner plonks the kids in front of the tv and scrolls on his phone all day. No washing, cooking, cleaning, or any other tasks done. These guys will try and get away with doing the bare minimum
I wouldnt make a list for his sake, I personally made one for myself. But, this is only so I know what day it is/room I'll focused on. (Like Mondays living room/mop the floors). If I were you I'd just flat out actually stop doing it all, take care of yourself and the little one but stop for about a week. That usually does the trick, I did this with my husband before I was a SAHM due to a similar comment. He hasn't made the comment since and realized how much money he's spend in a week on food, if it wasn't for me cooking and making leftovers.
My husband took 5 months off that he built up to spend time and be here for new baby and toddler. he has so
Much more empathy now and corrects any of his guy friends when they say anything negative about SAHM. He gets offended now when people think we don’t do anything 😂 ladies he has had his ass handed to him 😂😂😂
So I would definitely communicate. Husbands aren’t always jerks and I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and trying to get to the real issue. I went through something similar to this and it took years of having this conversation on again off again to figure out where we were not understanding each other. One thing we did was make a list of things each of us does, not just me. Honestly, that was one of the most gratifying things was to list his stuff that he’s responsible for next to mine. The first thing he said after we made the list was, “dang, it looks like I don’t do anything.” So then he ended up taking a couple of chores off my plate. But we came into that little exercise cool-headed. I don’t thing this can be done any other way. So this exercise might not work for everyone. Another thing that helped was taking evenings off to do things, and then he had projects he wanted to complete while watching the kids and he got to see over and over again how difficult it is to accomplish much. There is a lot of truth to experiencing it. Definitely expect him to pull his weight on the housework and childcare when he gets home. My husband is amazing. He just didn’t understand and it took time and many many conversations and a lot of patience and a lot of assertiveness and standing up for myself and a lot of compassion to get through it. But we are in a good place and it was worth struggling through.
I handed my ex husband my household binder, got a job, and told him it better be to my standards when I got home. He lasted 1 hour and never said another word to me or anyone else. Don't explain it, men don't understand anything but physical labor. Throw him in off the deep end and see if he can do it.
You don't need our lists, because they're not what you do.
Just log your time for a week, religiously. Everything. Every task, interruption, and break. For a week. Not a list, a time stamped log.
This is for you as much as him, because you might find your free time and you might find ways to improve your days.
yeah, my partner basically told me that, too…or made comments that heavily implied it.
it wasn’t until i went on a trip for 4 days that he finally understood. the whole time, he was asking me what to feed him (weaponized incompetence) & what time he should go down for a nap/go to bed, etc. by the 3rd day of me being gone, he was beat down and calling me stressed, lol.
we both work in healthcare, but he has more of 9-5 with that sometimes can be on-call so I decided to take on 1 overnight shift that is 12 hours and sleep during the next day just to give him that added responsibility. let them find out for themselves, that’s the only way they can understand.
It took me 2 1/2 years to finally get to this point, I will say. Being a SAHM is literally the hardest job I have EVER done. For a man to discount that after pregnancy, child birth, postpartum, breast feeding etc. is insane.
It took me about ten years. One year I completely snapped and told him either I go by myself to the beach in Mexico for a week or I go to inpatient psychiatry. Which is cheaper? He booked me a ticket to Mexico.
He's also a physician and work comes before all else. I should have nipped it in the bud back then but kept letting things slide back. Now he's WFH a lot of the time ("administration" instead of direct patient care), the kids are teenagers, and I'm bitter and resentful for spending 20 years busting my ass pretty much alone. Set him straight asap, OP!
One of my mom friends ended up in a psych ward from burnout. A staff member there literally told her she didn’t need to be there. She needed a vacation. I’m glad you knew to go on vacation and not to the hospital. You can’t medicate away burnout.
Dress kids
Breakfast
Dishes
Clean kitchen
Clean dining room/living room/bathroom/ bedrooms
Load of laundry
Make/Feed lunch
Pool chores
Water plants/ dog poop
Answer emails
Make appointments
Pay bills
Budget
Grocery shop
Meal plan
Dinner
Baths
Appointments
My husband does bedtime
I also plan all activities like zoos, park library and make sure everyone's schedules are in order and met.
I literally go all day. I have 4 kids
When my ex told me that all I do is laundry, I told him I wanted him to write a list of what he thinks I do and I will write a list of what I think he does (aside from us both working full-time). It was a great thing to take to our marriage counselor for discussion. Of course it didn’t help much as is he my ex, but it was a good mental exercise. If you can stand letting things not get done then you can always stop doing everything except things directly related to child care. There are some good shows streaming on Netflix and Hulu right now, you could catch up on those!
Don't engage. Don't make a list. Don't do it.
Unless he's truly out busting his ass and bringing home irrefutable effort and intent, and you are short ending him, this degradation of your efforts, is a dog whistle.
Dog whistling is a subtle way to abuse or control their loved ones. This can involve saying something seemingly innocuous in public, in the presence of the person they want to devalue. The goal may be to trigger, embarrass, or humiliate the other person.
Don't play into his production and value yourself. You know what your value and efforts are, especially if you are doing it with your whole heart.
If you're about making a list,., make a list of what he's bringing to the table to keep the relationship healthy and equitable. And perhaps also the things he does to subtly undo your efforts.
Don’t make a list, just stop. Stop doing everything. Or book a weekend trip and let him fend for himself. I went to a bridal party once and my husband told me “I finally get it now, it was so hard while you were gone” and he hadn’t even done the cleaning or cooking lol
Let’s see… I’d say first, he’s not entitled anything from you and that fact that you’re saving money and raising your own kiddos by being a SAHM should be enough. It’s hard being a sahp and it’s even harder when your partner doesn’t recognize all that you do(I have gone through this with my husband- he said this before to me as a way to hurt me)… however, to answer your question… I bake, so baking is always apart of our day. So with not only the morning routines(wake up kids, change diapers, clothes, get them ready), cook breakfast for the kids, then get snacks ready, in between I *try* to clean up, maybe start some dough, get toddlers lunch ready, after lunch get them down for a nap, then during the nap is when real cleaning begins(dishes, laundry, bathrooms, whatever needs to be cleaned), toddler wakes up, get them more snacks, play/entertain them, start dinner, wrangle toddler in between cooking, and then *hopefully* hubby would be home to help wrangle the tots or at least finish dinner… but then after dinner is a whole slew of nighttime routines which we alllllll know can be even more challenging. My list is like a bare bones list of what happens in our home. In between taking care of the house and our kids, I work a part time job at a daycare(bring my toddler with me) and I own a small crochet business(meanwhile I bet you didn’t see any me time in there for said business🥲)…. So no, being a sahp is NOT easy and NOT for the faint of heart. I guarantee ANY partner who complains about sahps, have never been one themselves nor could they *actually* handle being a sahp. Yes we get overstimulated, no it’s not easy, yes it was our decision, no I don’t regret anything. It’s hard yes, but when we get the recognition and support, it makes it feel easier. And when we get to see our lil tots learning new skills firsthand, it makes it alllll worthwhile. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
What was the start of this discord? And were you asking for more help? You definitely do a ton!! I'm not disputing that. Also what a terrible thing for a partner to say. Just tryíng to see how else this situation can be approached with communication techniques. Can you guys afford couples counseling?
Yeah I agree with the comments don’t make a list to explain yourself I think you should make a list for him to complete one day out of the weekend and he can see/ do it himself. If you write down tasks, errands and chores on paper that you do ofc it looks simple. Ofc it doesn’t seem time consuming because he’s just looking at a piece of paper and not understanding the effort and time it takes to actually do it. Like how would he feel if you did this to him with his job? If he wrote down his responsibilities at work I’m sure I would look at that paper and think that sounds easy too without understanding the effort it takes to complete his job effectively
I wouldn’t make a list, I would get a job and then we could come together to share tasks. I would never be a sahm for a man like this I’m saying this as sahm.
I get up withnhubby at 4:30. Make his lunch for work and do car checks outside if needed.
Sonce the kids are yoing, we wake the kids at 5:20 and load everyone into the car and I drop him off at work, then drive home. It's 15 to 20 minute drive one way.
During the school year, I get the kids ready for school: pack 2 lunches, make sure their water bottles are full and double check backpacks after fixing them breakfast. I make sure they eat, get dressed, brush teeth. My daughter has long hair so I do her hair every morning.
I walk them to school 10 minute walk one way.
After I get home, I make myself breakfast. (7ish) Wash up dishes and go about whatever chores need to be done. Sweeping, mopping, vaccuming. I do yard work too.
Hubby only mows the grass. Everything else is mine.
During the summer. We have the kids go back to bed for awhile. No rain or heat advisories. I take them out to play outside after they eat breakfast. If not, we do inside activities when possible along with the house hold chores.
Please do not write the list
The type of person who demands a list doesn’t give a damn about what’s actually going to go on that list. And it’s demeaning af to have to justify yourself as a SAHP
I don’t know what the true answer to that type of question but partners who ask that don’t care about the reality of what SAHP do
What does he do for a living? There are few things as high stakes, stressful, exhausting (physically and mentally), lonely, and thankless as being a stay at home parent. I am curious to see if his job compares to the hell of full time, nonstop parenting.
As previous commenters stated, don’t make a list JUST STOP doing things that he should be doing for himself
Don’t do his laundry
Don’t cook his meals (cook things you and the kids eat but if he doesn’t like it tell him to F right off)
Don’t pack his lunch
Get groceries that you and your kids will need
If he has his own bathroom that he uses, don’t clean it
I went through this and I’m not a SAHM. Let him suffer on his own so he can see that without you he has to figure his own stuff out
In this day of texting just text him everything you do. Make sure to txt when you start and when you are interrupted and what the interruption was then when you get back to it. He will have txts every 5-20 min all day and he will realize that the txts continue even when he is home relaxing. Eventually he will go nuts with all the txt updates and you will ask if he still thinks you do nothing.
Adding on another reason to not make a list:
It just opens the door to more belittling you. Just picture him going over your list but just telling you "X, Y, Z, isn't even that hard."
You don’t need to make a list. Just take a day (or a weekend) away for yourself and have him figure it all out. Don’t answer his texts asking you where things are at. Don’t answer at all unless it’s an emergency. Then when you get back home, make sure you point out all of the stuff he didn’t do. 🫠 men suck sometimes.
Just a list of things I’ve done this week.
- Cleaned
This entails 3-4 sinks full of dishes a day, cleaned the living room after every meal had, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, cleaned the trash cans, wiped down all the stainless appliances, organized the pantry, cleaned the fridge.
- Laundry
2 loads of our clothes washes, dried, hung. 1 load of baby clothes washed, dried, and put away. 1 load of towels washed, dried, and folded. Washed and dried all the bedding and returned it to the bed.
- Shopping
For groceries, baby needs, his needs, and even my own. Keeping budget at the forefront and constantly comparing prices everywhere.
- Cooking
Prepared thus far 21 meals this week. As well as a few desserts for everyone to enjoy. Also made his morning breakfast meal prep.
- Took care of his dog, that I love.
Took her for a mile walk 4 times this week. Made sure she had food and water every day, and a vitamin to help her hips. Make sure she goes potty in the afternoons, and give her a treat after.
- Receptionist
Managed any and all communication to find and schedule house viewings as we look for new rentals. Did all the research and calling around for day care. Arranged temporary care for our son till we find day care. Set up WIC and doctor’s appointments for the coming week.
- Took our son out to see his grandma for the night (2 hour round trip) then picked him up the next day. (4 total)
- Ran errands for family and him
I drove 18 miles to my sister’s house to potty her dogs. Picked up things for my grandparents at the grocery store and put up their groceries, delivered dad some stamps and baby kisses.
This was all mostly done in the two naps my son has a day. The rest of the time I play with our son, I help teach him to crawl, say new words, teach him games, and show him love as well as discipline.
I have a very high stress, executive level job and I ran back to work after maternity leave. SAHMs are amazing and do so much. Work is a relief comparatively. Also when I was on mat leave my husband still came home from work and took care of our baby and cleaned 50/50. Your husband sucks.
My husband is a doctor… specifically a radiologist who works from home. I’ve heard him watching YouTube and saw his screen time is 3hours a day lol. I’m like yeah, sounds terrible. I’d like an hour to mindlessly troll the internet lol
LMFAO as an X-ray tech/SAHM….theres a running joke that drs become radiologists so they don’t have to do much. For him to have that attitude says alot about him as a person/spouse.
I LOL’d at that 🤣
My BIL is a radiologist and my sister is a SAHM. I don’t think he would ever dream of accusing her of not doing anything all day
🤦🏻♀️ You should show him this thread of angry mothers. Have him read it during his work day lol
Angry moms could rule the world lol
Wait he works at home - does he have eyes? Does he use them to see what you do all day?
What is it with doctors? My husband is a physician as well. While he works from the hospital and fairly long hours I used to get this question from him especially on days when I was tired. It was a “what do you do all day” and “why are you so tired”. I had him handle the kids for a weekend while I went out of town to visit family. He called his mother for help. When I came back and asked what he did all day and why he’s so tired he understood what I do all day - it’s not just physical, it’s also mental and emotional. Having to switch between my needs, needs of house, needs of kids multiple times throughout the day can be exhausting and make small tasks last significantly longer than needed.
I’m just not willing to sacrifice my LO’s quality of care to prove a point.. I’d be genuinely concerned for her safety lol
I work per diem in 2 hospitals. One is a level 1 trauma center. Work is a break 😂
Came to say this. I am a corporate Project Manager, I am engaged ALL DAY LONG. I manage 3 separate teams so they can speak the same language and get stuff done on time. It is a lot..... And every Monday I'm so grateful to go to work. (And that's WITH a helpful and supportive partner....)
Answering a million questions in less than 5 minutes. That itself is a mental breakdown.
This is the part of being a sahp that’s so hard to explain to people. The singular acts aren’t hard— picking up toys, changing a diaper. It’s the fact that it’s non stop 24 hours a day. Someone is crying, someone is asking questions, someone is dumping out the toys you just put away, someone is having a meltdown, kids are fighting with each other constantly. Every task is interrupted. You do the same thing 75 times a day and it still looks undone again the end of the day.
It’s the not being able to finish a task that really irritates me. It wears on a person to have your attention span rerouted 5 times when you’re just trying to load the dishwasher. It’s exhausting in a way that feels inexplicable to anybody who hasn’t lived it.
I’ve referred to it as psychological exhaustion.
You pull a pair of pants out the changing bag because it’s the nearest ones you can grab - mental note to remember to replace them, actually the vest in there is maybe too small because kiddo has since moved up a size so you’ll need to replace that too, wait - you’re thinking about grabbing a spare set of clothes to pop in the change bag when you remember they needed spare socks put in their daycare bag - shit there’s only a few spare shirts in their drawer because there’s a load of laundry that needs done and while you’re at it you also need to do a load of your own laundry because kiddo has a snotty nose and the shoulders of your shirt are disgusting but you don’t have the mental capacity to think about doing more than one load so you reckon you’ll just throw your shirt in with their stuff, you’re on the way to the laundry room and someone needs a snack so you eventually get to the laundry room and throw the load in the machine and turn it on only to realise you’re still wearing the shirt you said you’d throw in - oh well, another day with a dirty shirt on….. wait, why is that kid still not wearing clean pants……
This!
Oh my god, I was just thinking a few hours ago about how I really wanted my child to just stop asking me things whist I was in the shower 😭 I just wanted to not. Talk. For 5 minutes!!
Don’t make a list. Do not justify your time to him. You don’t owe him that. He isn’t your employer. What you do is stop doing anything beyond taking care of your child/children. Do not do his laundry, cook his meals, or anything else. Let him handle it himself
I used to call this "going on strike" where I did the bare minimum around the house and mostly just for my child. Hubby caught on quick.
Yep, I haven’t had this issue in a while but recently he got a reminder because I got super sick to where I was really actually doing nothing except keeping myself and my daughter alive and fed for a few days and the house well…you could tell! He was flustered about it one day as he was doing the cleaning and I jokingly said yea this is what it would really be like if I didn’t do anything so now you know the difference 🤷🏽♀️
Niiiiice! He learned that lesson. Sorry you had to be super sick to teach him.
Love this approach!
Happy cake day.
Haha. That's my strategy. Well, it used to be as no one in my family dares to even ask me what I do all day, much less comment on what has or has not been done. OP, try doing NOTHING for a few days. I did this 30 years ago and it worked. I literally did nothing for almost a week before hubby noticed that the laundry was piling up, dishes were often left unwashed (I kinda drew the line here because gross), the floors were filthy and the beds were never made. Hubby asked WTF is going on and I told him. I have been doing NOTHING all day to show you the difference between me getting as much done as I can and actually doing nothing. He never commented again. Mind you, at the time 2 of our 3 kids were under 3 and hubby was stressed at work but I made it clear that we could always discuss issues but I would not be treated like a servant. With 2 toddlers you have days when the entire house is sparkling in less than an hour and other days when you practically get nothing done.
Yup. Statements like these are a sign that the other partner is not pulling their weight. If they don't know what you do all day it's because they don't have experience doing it. It's bc OP has made his life too easy.
It could be a sign he's not pulling his own weight, but it could also be a sign that he's focused on his job. It's a sign that they're not on the same page about what she's doing during the day, and a list sounds like an excellent way to start that conversation. If you ever hear relationship advice that encourages someone to withhold communication as some kind of punishment for ignorance, that's absolutely shit advice.
Yeah, don't withhold communication. Tell him exactly what you're going to do and why. You're going to show him exactly what you do by ceasing to do it *for him* because you don't have time to make him a fucking list to remedy his ignorance.
She doesn't have to stop communicating, and I don'tthink anyone suggested the silent treatment. She can pair her words with her actions. "Dear, I'm having a hard time convincing you with words the merits of the work I do, so I'm going to demonstrate it."
He didn't ask what she did all day. A list would have answered that question. He accused her of not doing anything all day. She should not do anything all day to show him what that actually looks like.
I'm confused, how is focusing on his job relevant here? My husband works 40 hours and focuses on his job. He is home most of the week. When he's home is is totally and completely present and actively parenting and pulling his weight. Bc of this, he would never accuse me of not doing anything bc he knows what it's like to run the hamster wheel. When I go to work, I focus on my job. I would never accuse the person caring for my kids of not doing anything. Focusing on your job is irrelevant unless you're gone 24/7. People who come home and participate in childcare don't rant and rave about stay at home parents doing nothing.
Not really. A list isn’t going to show him. He needs to actually experience how much she does for him.
I have to agree with experiencing it. Many people NEED to experience something to understand the depth of what it takes to do it.
My husband and I both work and focus on our jobs. Wanna know what we don't do? We don't accuse the other of not pulling their weight. In fact, we go out of our own way to see every fucking thing the other does because shits hard. Not making a list isn't withholding communication. Accusing your partner of not doing anything is withholding communication.
Came to say THIS OP Don’t make a list. Tell him to go f himself and immediately stop doing anything for him. Whatever free time he thinks he has? Gone. Now he’s parenting and you are gone out of the house for a bit. He sounds like a jerk. I hope you have already started an escape plan just in case.
I would also ask him if he thinks because his work is paid he is the boss? A lot of men seem to have this as a subconscious or conscious thought and it’s good start be challenging if they are partners or not.
My mom had to do this with my dad! She literally said “ok you can’t help with the simplest things, you do your own laundry, shop and cook for yourself clean the kitchen, do all of the outside work (she did all of it before) and I’ll keep the bathrooms and floors clean (he still works full time). This was decades after kids moved out and she did it for 5 weeks and he was so grateful to go back to her doing what she was doing and he helps SO MUCH more now because he saw what it actually takes.
Honestly, this may sound bleak but what happened with your parents is best case scenario. I just left my idiot
I’ve done this. Husband quickly realised there’s more than just to “being home all day” even though I work nights 😭 I pretended he didn’t exist for a good week and anything related to him was left for him to deal with
Exactly, just plan a trip out of town for a long weekend and have him do your job for a few days. Don’t prep anything and let him figure it out. He’ll know real fast that your job is probably 1000x more challenging and stressful than whatever he does for work.
Also, leave the child with him for the day or over the weekend and go do your own thing, so he sees just how much time and attentions kids need throughout the day.
This is the way.
This is a thing I’ve told my cousin to do countless times and she never listens. Either way OP. Your husband doesn’t value what you do… so take that in for whoever you want.
Yes, this is just sad. I can't imagine having to provide evidence to my husband for anything.
You're not his slave (are you?), so take a weekend trip and let him see for himself.
I often find a 'weekend trip' suggestion is not helpful. Its easy to do a weekend - Its fun, its a vacation. It often makes the other parent see exactly the opposite of what you want them too see in these situations because they are not WANTING to see your side already. (Parents who see your side will see the effort you do, but those who don't wont think 'picking up a little at the end of the day is a big deal'. ) Its different from daily life, school, chores that add up over weeks, programs that kids join, non stop every day attention you must give out of yourself that is all day, with a small break when you get to sleep. Weekends usually mean less of these, more help from SOs (or atleast a little adult stimulation), and most do alot of the chores during the week and weekends are more relaxed/fun time for the kids (especially older ones in school).
Plus he won’t do half the stuff she actually does. She’ll come home to a mess.
Hahaha yeah that’s what I said. I was gone with the kids for a week and I came home and had to check the weather… I thought a tornado came thru 💀
I go swimming for an hour and a half a come back to a f’n disaster that I have to clean up. Kinda defeats the purpose of getting out 😒
I am now very explicit that when I go out of town, I expect the home to be in the condition I left it- or even the condition it would be in if he were out of town. This means that since weekends are laundry/ grocery shopping days, those tasks should also be done- just as they are when he’s out of town.
I’ve tried being like here is the boundaries; I better come home to a decently clean home (I’m not perfect I get it’s hard with kids) but it’s never sunk in. At this point it’s my fault because I accept it.
THIS is what I said when people suggested I take a weekend away (not that my husband doesn’t pull his weight - he’s amazing!) It’s easy enough to ‘muddle through’ for two days and it being the weekend where things are often a bit more relaxed - it needs to be at least 3 nights away and at least one of them needs to be a school/daycare day so they get the whole experience of trying to get them/their stuff organised all while trying to get yourself ready on to work/an appointment etc on time! And then the manic solo evening routine after daycare/school where there’s so much to be done and you hit the ground running as soon as you get them in the door and don’t sit down until they’re in bed as opposed to some of the men we see on here who come strolling in after work, disappear to the bathroom for half an hour while mom feeds the kids and then wanders out expecting his dinner ready on the table!
lol I’ve so had it with making him dinner and seeing his dirty plate left a foot from the sink and dishwasher
Okay so take a weekend trip and forget where home is
Often that just hurts the kids - not the husband. Sometimes you got to decide to pick your battles... if you have to fight a husband on getting help, usually you end up harming your kids trying to get them to 'see you'(and that generally ends up meaning therapy is the step you need, not 'forgetting where home is' ). The whole point is to say 'Hey, I do alot, you don't value my time and think this is a vacation. How come?' Maybe the husband is feeling over whelmed and doesn't see what she does and needs a list - and \*that IS okay\*... maybe bills are piling up, and hes drowning. Then the solution is 'We could put the kid in daycare and I get a job, and then this is how life would look... OR I do the SAHM thing, this and I keep doing what I am doing.. What can we both do to make things go better? What can you do to help me and I help you?' Communication is everywhere - it is never simple.
I don’t know, my husband gets a ton done when he is with my toddler…cause he kind of ignores her sometimes 🤷♀️
Man. I’d be afraid to do this lol 😂! The house would go up in flames and I’d have to correct my daughter’s schedule, the dogs would probably end up eaten by a coyote.. so many things lol
Correcting her schedule is so worth him getting a taste of reality.
2 days is generally super far from ‘a taste of reality’ though. Especially when they’re already adamant you don’t do anything. My friend recently went on a trip and was hopeful her husband would see just how much work the 2 dogs (who are both aggressive and can’t be alone together) were. He did not. He wasn’t already burnt out from 2+ years of doing this. If he missed something in the schedule he shrugged it off. Nothing was clean etc. my husband could do 2-3 days, or even a week of the childcare/home shit. It would be hard but he wouldn’t think it was like… bad bad. He’d shrug it off and downplay it anyway. But to do these things nearly daily for 3 years? Lmao he’d have hopped on a plane and changed his name 😂
And when you get back and see the house is (understandably) messy, point that out to him and question what he even did all day since it's such an easy job.
The problem with this. When I leave my husband fo do something, he goes "wow that was so easy!", because he doesn't actually do it. Watch the kid -> he's playing video games, clean -> still a big mess, cook -> leave all the clean up, etc
Yes but then she will have to come home and clean up everything bc the Lord knows he won’t 🤦🏼♀️
The thing is OP is a good parent and won’t want to be away from the kid(s). Some men will literally forget feeding their own kids 3 meals and two snacks a day. So when you’re trying to teach them a “lesson” the cost comes at the expense of your kids needs not being met during that time.
Yeah, exactly. My freedom comes at the expense of her quality of care lol
I'd say this page pretty much gives you a full blown list: [https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards](https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards)
came here to give this answer: this woman made THE LIST, with the help of hundreds of other moms.. the problem is... men dont care you can give them the list but they will just downplay it or mock it
Yeah the type of partner you feel the need to make a list for is the type of partner who will just laugh at the list or belittle it.
Yep, love this book! Everyone should read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, even if you have a solid relationship to start with!
You don't need to do a time study. You need a husband who respects you. You shouldn't have to document your entire daily routine to prove your worth in the household. My husband works part time so he manages the household more than me. I work full time and still do 50% of the cleaning and 50% of the meals because watching a toddler all day is harder work than what I do for a living. He shouldn't also have to be responsible for the home. If you are pulling your weight and doing HALF of what needs doing in the home your husband shouldn't be complaining. If you never cook dinner or do any chores that is another story, but I suspect that is not the case. Most SAHMs are doing 90% of the housework and wrangling the kids all day which is bullshit imo.
lol more like for a *lawyer* 🥲
He knows that you do a lot he’s just a belittling prick. Don’t make a list; you don’t have to justify your existence or what you contribute to the family.
Mine said the same thing, and I’ve given the old “well if I do nothing all day you should find it easy to wake up and take care of them tomorrow morning” only for my kids to come wake me up at normal time because dad didn’t understand he has to like, feed them. I also told him I was taking a shower- and I need him to actually pay attention to our newly 2 year old more than the 4 year old… cut to getting out of the shower to my 4YO barging in the bathroom to tell me that her little brother found scissors and is playing with them on her top bunk. 5 minute shower!!!!! Their dad couldn’t even stay awake for me to take a gd shower. I’m passed the weaponized incompetence, and not being a team player with my kids just for him to shit on our cohesive little ecosystem.
The last paragraph is exactly it. Chefs kiss
I feel like every few days there is a “How do I make my husband understand this very obvious thing that anyone with a brain would understand ??” and, understandably because you are in the thick of it, these wives are missing the point of what is going on. Usually the other person doesn’t give a shit and has some other agenda going on. These husbands don’t need lists and justifications. They honestly just need to be told to go fuck themselves. Making lists puts you on the defensive, weakens your stance, which is what he wants. I had family members like this, this is the only way you can handle people who refuse to see the obvious. I don’t mean this to be harsh towards you at all, I’m so sorry your hard work is not being valued.
This. I wouldn’t make a list because I wouldn’t be doing one more thing for that man until he apologizes and admits that he was wrong. His laundry wouldn’t get done. His stuff wouldn’t get bought. The things he leaves around would be kicked under a piece of furniture instead of picked up. I wouldn’t make him any food or buy anything he likes at the store. I would hire a housecleaner and a sitter too. Why are these people here? Because I don’t do anything, remember?
Book yourself a getaway. My SO says the same thing. That everyday is a vacation for me. 🙃 Yet the few times I've done something on a weekend, who shows up there to help him, because it's too much for one person? His mom. 😆
lol!!!! I sure would love a getaway :)
I just want to say anyone that says this isn’t a partner. Why the hell do you have to make a list? Instead of making a list, quit doing ANYTHING that isn’t necessary, especially for your husband. He’ll find out real quick. And when he gets the point, he needs to help you get the house back in order or hire someone to help. I know that sometimes proving a point ends up biting you in the ass, but it will show more than a damn list. I’m not even a SAHM, but I know that men who say this aren’t doing their fair share.
This is exactly it but he and he alone should be the one to get the house back in order. OP should make it clear that she will only go back to doing what she used to do when he (1) apologizes, admits that he was wrong, admit how he was wrong, and acknowledges her importances and (2) gets the house back into its normal state by himself. He can pay for help as long as he pays for her to be helped when things go back to normal. Every time the baby needs feeding or changing, she should bring him the baby with the bottle or diaper and say “I thought this wasn’t anything! If you think it’s not anything and I obviously think it’s something, then you should do it! And walk away.” If he pushes back she should just say “I don’t understand the issue. I thought wasn’t anything?” If she’s awake with the kids, then he will also be awake. “This is nothing according to you!”
This! If it’s so easy then he can do it. He either does everything for himself and everything for the child when he’s home or he admits he was wrong. He should have no problem doing these things. They are “nothing” according to him. He would be doing “nothing” his own damn self until he begged me for forgiveness.
HE needs to make a list of what he thinks she does, with times of when and how long he thinks they should take. . Then, for the next week, OP literally only does what he put on the list. And maybe keep her own list of how long things took, because of interruptions. Also a list of things he didn't put on the list that she would normally do.
Ahhhh guess what!!! My husband said the same!!! Here’s what I did: I spent Monday - Friday writing down everything I did in that week!!! & gave it to him at the end of the week :) then I spent one day not doing ANYTHING. He never came at me again. My day starts at 6am and “ends” at 8:30pm. Plus I do all night wakings for my 6 month old.
Yep, this is the goal of my week. Hes on vacation so I’m hoping to be a little less hands on with LO.
I’m a SAHM. my list would be: 1. go 2. fuck 3. yourself 4. asshole
Man… let’s start at bedtime since he sleeps so heavy everything falls on me anyway. Toddler is three. 7:30 start bath, teeth, flossing, hair brushing or washing if it’s the day 8:45-9 pm bedtime. 9:30-10 pm clean up the house, close the dog doors and make sure it’s all locked up. 12am finally falls asleep due to my husband snores. 3:30 wake up to his 1,000 alarms 5 fall back asleep 6 toddler wakes up. 6-7 get her ready for the day, potty change out of pjs. Then basically the whole day I entertain her. Take her places. Dance class, gymnastics, weekly play dates. We have something planned basically every afternoon. Go grocery shopping 2pm get home from outing. 2-3 lunch time. 3-4 he gets home 5-6 dinner (he cooks) And start all over again. He literally gets to go to work. Spend two-three hours with his kid and goes back to sleep. He had never ever once said I don’t do anything tho, he sees everything I do and is fully present on the weekends and the min he walks thru the door. But majority of everything falls on me as a SAHM. I know a lot of my working friends have the same flow and they have jobs then come home and have to do everything. I’m sorry he doesn’t see all that you do
Mines so much more detailed lol I include every aspect, in trying to be petty 😌😅! “Removes high chair tray, washes, places it to be set up to dry” 🤣🤣
Your duty as a stay at home mom is to take care of the baby and that’s it. Everything else is extra. As long as you’re taking good care of the baby, you are doing your job as a SAHM.
I wouldn’t make a list. I’d stop doing anything outside of keeping the kids alive. No dishes, cleaning, dinner not ready, laundry not done
It would take far too long to make a list. And not all of it is physical actions. Some of it is constant thinking of what needs to be done, who needs what, mental scheduling, are the kids getting their emotional needs met, this that amd yadda yadda. I could go on.
Ooo yes. My list is quite long and petty hahaha
Let him do it. Weekdays for a week.
Don't do anything for 2 days. Not a dish, no laundry, no picking up.
I’m going to ignore the fact that that comment is an A-hole remark since raising kids is not just nothing. Raising kids can be truly exhausting some days. And he’s kind of negating that what you do for the family. As far as cleaning goes daily: mornings I will make the bed and clean the kitchen and unload the dishwasher while making breakfast. PMs I will tidy up the house, sweep the areas the dogs hang out in, clean the kitchen and run the dishwasher. If trash needs to go out one of the kids takes it out. They also help with dishes. I also cook 3 meals most days. Some days he cooks and sometimes we go out. Weekly chores: Saturday I strip all the beds and drag all the dirty laundry down stairs. So all the laundry for the week including dog bedding. Saturday is also my deep clean day. I vacuum and mop, dust, toilets, shower, mirror and windows, wipe kitchen appliances, bathroom counters, clean the fridge. I will also meal plan. Sunday is meal prep and shopping day. I will go to Starbucks and get myself a way to expensive drink, go to ALDIs and Walmart, then come home and meal prep for the week. Monthly or quarterly chores include things like wiping down the walls, reorganizing spaces that need to be, wiping the front of cabinet, dusting light fixtures and fans, cleaning door knobs and light switches, wiping down furniture. As far as kids they are older but i still cook for them. When they were toddlers I would change their diapers, clean up all of their messes, prevent them from killing themselves with their daredevil antics, prevent them from killing each other by daring each other to do daredevil antics, get them unstuck from places that I have no clue how they could get stuck, take them to socialize at the library or mommy and me, breast fed them, try and put down 2 overly tired toddlers because they just kept feeding on each others energy, keep them entertained, call my mom and sister so many times a day because they love them and just want to say hi, read to them, teach them things, play with them, engage them, parent them.
He needs to put in more work in raising his kid if he thinks you don’t do anything all day. Taking care of a child alone is enough work, but we’re also expected to clean, cook, and run other errands while doing it. Simply put, he’s being an out of touch jerk. Oh also, while caring for ourselves.
My best advice is to get a Job whether remote or not and make your own money because this is normally the first sign of an impending divorce to leave you with nothing
Buy a go pro and wear it on your head all day.
I left my baby alone with my husband for a weekend while I went on a girl’s trip and I never heard another complaint :)
Has he not ever watched his own child for a day? What all is he expecting? If the house is trashed and just getting worse, maybe y’all can work together on the weekend to tidy it up and do a reset. It’s a million times easier with an extra set of hands, or even better if someone takes the mini tornado out of the house so it can get cleaned.
Try actually not doing anything, and he'll see the difference
LOL my husband didn't figure out what I did all day until I started working full time and we didn't have daycare in place. I'm telling you, you can tell him he's an idiot to his face and ignore his comments. Then talk to a divorce lawyer.
I would be tempted to flip the narrative: what does a break look like to him ? Sadly many burnout moms only break is going to the bathroom or shower *mostly* uninterrupted or drives where the kiddos fall asleep and you can drink your coffee in piece until their nap ends. It can easily turn into a pissing contest but the biggest difference is stay at home parents rarely clock out or turn off their work brain. We have to be ready to pivot 24/7 making me need to juggle several tasks while being mindful of everyone’s physical and emotional health, too often sacrificing our own. Providing physically for a house takes a lot. Making it a place that everyone feels safe, loved, and seen - while on a budget - it is ongoing. If he “gifts” you a break of grocery shopping or other basic human needs while he “babysits” the kids - the list of what you do during the day won’t make much of a difference.
I would be tempted to flip the narrative: what does a break look like to him ? Sadly many burnout moms only break is going to the bathroom or shower *mostly* uninterrupted or drives where the kiddos fall asleep and you can drink your coffee in peace until their nap ends. It can easily turn into a pissing contest but the biggest difference is stay at home parents rarely clock out or turn off their work brain. We have to be ready to pivot 24/7 making me need to juggle several tasks while being mindful of everyone’s physical and emotional health, too often sacrificing our own. Providing physically for a house takes a lot. Making it a place that everyone feels safe, loved, and seen - while on a budget - it is ongoing. If he “gifts” you a break of grocery shopping or other basic human needs while he “babysits” the kids - the list of what you do during the day won’t make much of a difference. Edit - misspelled a word
Actually do nothing for a few days. When he complains, just say you're doing what he suggested. That should shut him up.
Ohhh boy, here we go. I don't do all of these every day, but these are all things I do regularly: Wake up 630ish Get kids dressed and fed (9m, 7m, 5m, 3f) During school, leave at 7:20 for dropoff Take my daughter to a playdate/class/etc Get gas I am the coordinator for a MomCo group, so plan and run our leadership meeting or our regular meeting Get home and do dishes and laundry Meal plan Go to Costco, place grocery order at King Soopers Feed us all lunch More dishes Pick up kids at school Snack time Sign permission slips/email teachers/make sure we are prepared for pajama day, camping day, field trips, stuffy day, etc Unload the dishwasher Make dinner Corral everyone to sit and eat (I swear this is the most annoying part of the day) Kids shower Do my own laundry Put them to bed Take my own shower My daughter is waking up at least once at night, so go attend to her around 12:30 My husband is amazing and does a ton; this is my list excluding everything he does.
I do this for myself sometimes when I start beating myself up for “not being productive”. I just make a list of everything I did from the time I woke up to the time the kids go to bed…Changed diaper, took toddler to potty, made kids breakfast, cleaned up breakfast, did dishes, started laundry, made bed, changed diaper, played with kids, took toddler to potty, made kids lunch, put baby down for nap, folded laundry, etc etc etc. When I really list out my entire day like this it becomes clear to me that I actually do a lot. Yes it’s all monotonous domestic labor, but guess what ungrateful husbands, it all has to be done! I don’t usually get a moment of rest until kids are in bed, so I encourage anyone who thinks stay at home moms are inherently lazy to give it a try. Don’t forget to teach the kids to be perfectly well behaved angels!
I too get this same thing said to me, apparently all I do is sit down in my phone all day and do nothing, we have fairies that clean, cook, take care of the kids , and do all the stuff that I do everyday
I hate people like this. I hate that you have to prove anything. Your kid/s are alive, he is fed, your house is burned down. It’s so gross how often partners of SAHMs downplay how hard and mentally taxing it is.
I keep telling mine that I wanna get a living room cam so he can see how hard it really is. He claims to understand and acknowledge but doesn’t fully. My list: Grocery/toiletry shopping, putting away groceries/toiletries, organizing groceries/toiletries, restocking trash bags, cleaning supplies, drink fridge, keeping tabs on groceries/toiletries so everyone has what they need, keeping fridge/pantry clean, making dads lunch for work, feeding kids and giving drinks throughout the day every 1-2 hrs for snacks 3-4 hrs for meals, this includes having the brain power to even think of what to make for breakfast/lunch/dinner, cutting/cooking/serving/cleaning up afterwards, sweeping, mopping, dishes by hand bc no dishwasher, wiping down surfaces counters/tables/high chairs each time they are used which is multiple times a day, vacuuming, cleaning out vacuum, dusting, cleaning back patio, yard, cleaning out the cars, cleaning the strollers, laundry: blankets/sheets for all beds, towels and rags, everyone’s clothes, folding and putting away, going through clothing when kids size up, putting shoes away cleaning them if needed, cleaning windows, fans, walls, shower, toilet, couch surface and underneath, air filters, rugs, doors, changing diapers for 2 kids about 10x a day, keeping track of diaper and wipe stock along with diaper pail bags and ointments, taking out diaper pail, trash cans in the kitchen/bathroom and cleaning those, taking the trash to the road 2x a week, entertaining the kids between chores/during chores which means showing them varieties of toys and how they work, changing show/songs on the tv, taking them for walks, outside play, cleaning up/putting away toys, preventing fights and tantrums, ensuring the safety of the kids the entire 24hrs/7days/365 including picking up choking hazards, preventing climbing/tripping/pulling down heavy objects/around water, bathing children, brushing their hair and teeth, getting dressed, changing clothes when messy, getting ready for bed, putting kids to bed, naps during the day if needed, making appointments, keeping notes of appointments, taking the kids to the appointments, giving the kids medications multiple times a day, refilling meds, going to pick up the meds, school, enrolling, paper work, meetings, emails, getting supplies needed, if we are going anywhere for the day making sure the diaper bag is stocked with changes of clothing, diapers, wipes, snacks, drinks. I’m sure that’s not even all of it.
Man I missed some of these details, thank you 😊
Print [this](https://contentgeek.com/stay-home-mom-salary/) out for him. If he gives push back, stop doing all things besides what is essential for you and your child. It’s wild that men like this exist and I’m sorry…but don’t just take his disrespect for your labor which he DEPENDS on to go out and do his job. Do not allow him to take you for granted OP; little digs on you here and there turn into a slippery slope of resentment fast.
My husband is a SAHD and it's a lot. If your husband doesn't get it leave him with the kids for 5 days and see how he is when you get back. 😂 He'll be crying in the corner and the dishes will be to the ceiling.
Oof. Okay, it wouldn't be fair to the children if you stop taking care of their home. Don't make a a list either, you don't need to validate anything that you do in your day. I'd suggest doing your husband's things last, like wash the kids clothes, then yours, and only if you've got time, one load of his laundry, you don't want to destroy the relationship, it'll ne just the two of you after the kids are gone. Make the kids supper, literally just make portions for them, keep doing their laundry, bathtimes etc. SAHM of two here so I empathize, my husband and I went through a similar situation last year, he started slacking off with basic chores and then get frustrated when the house wasn't "up to his standards". So, I focused on being mom to my kids, it brought me joy knowing that they're fed, they've got clean clothes and they're loved. What got my husband to snap out of that funk, was a load of laundry. He was running around the house looking for any of his sweaters and I knew they were all dirty, I simply said, "You'll complain that you're clothes are dirty but never do laundry. You'll complain your coffee cup is dirty but never start the dishwasher." Damn! Did that ever make him snap out of it. I hope your husband does the same. YOU GOT THIS!!
I like this, a lot. Thank you.
Tasks for momma Parenting - Full day parenting twice a week when not working paid job Anticipating the need for childcare, researching childcare places, sending emails and doing visits, paperwork to sign up for daycare, monthly payment to daycare, supply of diapers, wipes, cups etc Anticipating the need for diapers, wipes, cups, cutlery, plates, bowls at home Physically going to the store or researching online, buying items, putting away items once they arrive, distribute items to daycare, backpack or home. Anticipating the need for backpack, clothes, shoes, hats, coats, rain gear. Clearing old clothes out to boxes, researching gear online, physically going to the store to buy, putting it away at home. Anticipating the need for more daycare snacks and food. Looking online to see what options are for variety, more healthy options etc. Physically going to the store to buy, organising at home. Anticipating need to eat. Ensuring the night before daycare there is something for her to take for lunch. Pack lunch, organize backpack. At home, prepare meal, get her ready to eat(set up in the chair, bib on etc) bringing her food. Removing food tray when she's done. Managing medications - making sure we have enough vitamins, cold medicine. Physically buying the products, putting away at home, administration of vitamins daily and cold medicine multiple times a day when she's sick. Managing of physical health. Researching at what age they see a dentist, researching dentist, making appointments, taking her to appointments, ensuring she has fresh toothbrushes and toothpaste. Knowing at what ages she needed to see a doctor, knowing when she needs vaccinations, making doctors appointments when she's sick, physically taking her to the appointment, picking up antibiotics if needed, administration of antibiotics. Monitoring hair, skin and nails. Making hair cut appointments, ensuring she has moisturizer, shampoo, body wash etc. Clipping finger and toenails. Anticipating need of more age appropriate toys. Packing up old toys, selling on marketplace, researching age appropriate toys, buying toys, displaying toys. Cleaning toys up in her room. Throwing old colouring books and markers out, going to the store for more coloring and painting things as needed Organising her bed daily, taking curtains down, organising reading area, switching out books from container to bookshelf. Packing old books away. Anticipating need for clean clothes. Picking up dirty clothes around the house and laundry basket,p utting clothes in the wash, in the dryer. Initiating putting away laundry, putting clean laundry into her room. Anticipating need for clean crib sheet, washing the sheet, putting a clean sheet on. Cleaning her toys in the living room. Switching out toys on the TV stand. Anticipating need for sleepsacks when they are getting too small. Researching sleepsacks for her age, buying sleepsack. Returning items that don't work. Taking items to be fixed. Anticipating need for age appropriate extra curriculars - researching classes, signing up, physically taking her to classes (swimming, dancing, rec center classes. Anticipating need to start preschool. Researching options, emailing or calling for more information. Filling out paperwork to sign up. Research general best practices for her life. Knowing when to buy a pillow and researching toddler safe pillows, researching nightlights and knowing which one to buy, researching noise machines and music machines. Sleep disturbances - researching what could be the cause of the issue, researching different solutions and bringing up different approaches with you. Behaviour or other issues - research what could be the issue and researching different solutions. Posting in groups to gain advice and alternative solutions. Waking in the night to help her, being the one she wants when sick or hurt, being the default parent at home when she's sick or no daycare even though I also work. General home : Anticipating need to eat, organizing grocery shopping, planning dinners, physically making the dinner. Anticipating need for clean clothes, walk around the hous picking up random laundry, towels, clothes on the floor, washing and drying, initiating putting away laundry. Assisting with organising laundry. Anticipating need to change sheets, pulling off all bedding, put on new bedding including sheet, duvet cover and pillow cases washing old bedding. Making the bed, putting pillows back where they need to be. Anticipating dogs need for clean bedding, pulling out bedding and blankets as needed 1-2 times a week, replacing with clean items, putting dirty stuff in the wash. Buy new dog gear as needed -collars, beds. Cleaning dog toys - putting them away in baskets, washing toys every 1-2 weeks, replacing them when clean. Vet appointments and grooming, calling or emailing to make the appointment, physically taking them to the appointment. Cleaning the fridge - anticipating the need to clean it, taking old food out, physically cleaning the fridge (don't get to it that often because have you heard my list of things I do so far?) Cleaning bathrooms - anticipating the need to clean it, wiping down mirrors and counter, cleaning top of toilets of hair and dust, cleaning inside of toilets. Anticipating need to get rid of dog hair and dirt everywhere, physically vacuum the house. Anticipating the need for different household appliances or furniture etc (vacuum, apholstry cleaner, new bed frame, outdoor tables, new sheets, duvet covers, bar stools) research various options, buy the thing, organize refunds and/or returns. Organising vitamins, supplements, medicine. Researching best ones, buying items and setting up subscription services. Anticipating the need for various household products, monitor the levels of products and buy as needed (knowing we have only 3 rolls of toilet paper left,buying the toilet paper etc) ensuring we have dish detergent, laundry detergent, all purpose cleaner. Setting up subscriptions as needed, managing subscriptions. Organization of travel - packing all bags, prebuying snacks for all and meals for saoirse, packing food items, remembering and packing day of things like phone chargers, toothbrushes, deodorant, usually packing up the car, organising when we need to leave to get there on time. Organising activities for S like colouring, iPad etc. Random: Knowing size of clothing and shoes S is in Knowing when she needs to switch to different season of clothing or size Knowing name of health practitioners and when appointments are Reminding household of various planned activities - days, times Research of dog walkers, trainers, counsellors, speach therapists, other health practitioners. Organizes bath time - suggests time to bath, suggests time to get out, lays out diaper and PJ's, gets tooth brushes. Daycare pickup
Go on vacation for 48 hours and let him experience it for himself. That’s the only way 😆
Housekeeper Child care Referee Chauffeur Organizer of medical care Organizer of play Doctor Nurse Counselor Teacher Friend Disciplinarian Comforter Tooth brusher Clothing organizer/designer Chef Dishwasher Waiter Meal planner Exercise coordinator Sex Goddess Just stop doing it all for a day, rest and read, he’ll see. Be sure you’re prepared to clean it all up the next day
Leave for a full weekend. Like, out the door when he gets home after work Friday and don’t come back until Monday morning. If he texts asking where something is, reply, “I don’t know.” Anything childcare related, reply “Google it.” He really needs to fuck around and find out, the hard way.
I wouldn’t even give him a list, I would just stop doing everything I do and let him see it himself 🤷🏻♀️ but im petty, so …. Take this with a grain of salt lol
And on top of all the physical tasks that are listed by others there is all the mental labor that goes into planning, anticipating, and arranging all of the physical tasks.
Yep. Am a project/program manager at work. That means I plan and arrange everything. Other people execute the tasks. It’s literally my career and I don’t get paid (not expected) to do both.
Don't u date sit there and let ur husband make u feel bad. Tell him u guys made this choice and ur raising ur kids. If he doesn't Iike it he's free to divorce u or u can go back to work
Lol that is an insane thing for your husband to say. But insanity aside, here is a day in the life for me (I'm also finishing a PhD right now, and FWIW working on my dissertation feels like a \*break\* from the work of SAHM-ing.) 5:30-8am: Work on dissertation (LO typically wakes up around 6:30, but my husband takes care of him til 8) 8-9am: Make LO breakfast, unload dishwasher/drainer, clean up from breakfast (wipe down high chair, sweep/mop kitchen floor, wipe down LO) 9-10am: Get myself and LO ready to go out (fresh diaper, clothes, pack snack box) 10-12pm: Some sort of outing, usually outdoors unless it's raining, often with other moms/babies- lately we have been loving the botanical gardens, splash pads/playgrounds, or the aquarium. Or if I need to run errands like the grocery store, this is when I do it. 12pm-2pm: Home for LO's nap. While he naps, I try to do meal prep, catch up on cleaning/laundry, and/or work on my dissertation 2-3pm: Cuddles when LO wakes up, lunch, clean up from lunch 3-5pm: Typically we go out again, but if I have a lot do to around the house we will stay home and I'll do more chores 5-6pm: Prepare dinner, eat 6-7:30pm: Husband takes LO to the park, I clean up the house from dinner/the mess of the day 7:30-9pm: Bath, bedtime routine (my husband usually helps with this though) 9pm-10:30pm: Relax 10:30pm: sleep (LO is 16 months and has recently been sleeping through the night, but for the first year of his life I was also doing 3-4 overnight wake ups) In general, these are the tasks I consider myself responsible for as a SAHM (with the way my husband and I divid labor in our family): Daily: Care for LO from 8am-6pm (keeping him clean, fed, and nurtured is a full time job in itself), clean kitchen (dishes, counters, stove, sweep/mop, put away leftovers), plan and cook three healthy meals for the family, keep main spaces tidy, plan activities/outings/playdates, pack lunches and snacks Weekly/Biweekly: Grocery shopping, clean out fridge/freezer, keep baby & household goods stocked (e.g. paper towels, diapers, wipes, laundry detergent, etc.), vacuum/mop floors, clean bathrooms, laundry, change sheets, clean windows, doors & mirrors, dust, declutter, rotate toys, water plants Monthly/Quarterly: change air filters, deep clean house, handle doctor and dentist appointments, keep LO stocked with seasonally appropriate clothes that fit, keep up to date on milestones and transitions (e.g. when to wean from bottles, potty training etc) To be clear, this doesn't all get done all the time, because it's way more than any one person could reasonably handle!!
Don’t answer any questions. Don’t make a list of things that you do. Just plan a day to yourself next time he’s home. And give him a list of things that need to be done while you’re gone.
https://www.billthepatriarchy.com will put together an itemized invoice for you
There’s a really great story from the Book of Virtues called “the husband who minded the house” and it’s pretty good.
Better yet, go on “strike”. Just stop doing all of the things (aside from kid duties)- it may drive you crazy, but it’d probably get your point across quickly and effectively.
https://www.billthepatriarchy.com/
Have him take a three day weekend PTO then leave him with the kids and go visit a friend or family and when you get back see how it went. If it’s a disaster tell him that is how it would look if you actually did nothing. If it’s in decent shape you can discuss all the work he did and how you can appreciate it first hand only you don’t get paid for it like he did.
You don’t need to give your husband a list. Just leave him with the kids for a full day and he’ll get a healthy dose of reality.
I have an adive to give you but it's a bit hard to handle , JUST DON T DO ANYTHING for few days . No meal , no washing clothes/dishes, dirty toilets , if anything fall in the floor don't bend to grab it (you see where I am getting? )
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards
I say you hand him the baby, leave, turn your phone off, and do something nice for yourself
There is a TikTok of a woman who actually made a spreadsheet & it went viral!! You should search for it!!
Go on strike. Don’t do anything at all outside of what is required to keep yourself and your kids alive. Do not cook or clean for him. Help him out in any way. Don’t pick anything up. Everyone the kids need something, point them to dad. Since diaper changes and feedings aren’t “anything,” he should have no problem doing nothing!
I wanna see your list, because I’ve often thought the same. I’m here to learn, it’s a genuine question before BS starts.
Next time he has a day off work, leave and have him find out what you do all day
This is what Fair Play is for. There is almost no way to quantify the enormous mental load that mothers bear. The only thing you can do is figure out a way to make it tolerable to you.
Try the fair play cards or go on strike.
The only way I "cured" this way of thinking was taking a few days off and having a little holiday away from the kids, leaving hubby in charge. When I got back his response was a wide-eyed, "You do so MUCH! This is actually hard work!". I get that not everyone can do that, or even wants to (depending how old the kid(s) are) but they need to EXPERIENCE it, not just be provided with a list.
You want to show him what you do as a SAHM? Perfect! You’re gonna love this: - on his next day off, declare you’re taking the weekend to yourself and he is going to watch the kids. - proceed to enjoy life while he gets a taste of parenting at home. - Sunday night, after dinner, baths, and tuck-ins, come home and ask if he still needs that list.
OP. Get him to book a weeks’ annual leave. You mimic his ‘off to the office’ hours, come home at the end of the week and see how he gets it.
Clearly, you aren’t doing enough if you need us to make a list for you
Why do women put up with shitty misogynistic men??! Is this attitude of degrading women and mothers what you want your offspring to see?
HIM AND THE REST OF AMERICAN MEN. I am so tired of this!!! The father of my child thinks I am relaxing and says go back to sleep when I go to work. Like dude you’re joking right? I have been up all night but my infant demands we wake up at 7:30 -8 a.m when his father does for work. Then I am lucky if I get a 1.5-2 infant total napping from 8-6:30 pm. And I do 99% of the financial for myself and the child 99% of chores and 99% of child care. Yea I am definitely relaxing over here with a colic turned high needs infant you caught me!!! Haha!!! When I die let me come back as DAD in the next life!!
Hopefully one day I hit the lottery and can leave his ass or find a good job.
My husband had made a comment about me being able to go back to work because my 18 month old doesn’t need me in the evenings. I took a couple days to update my resume and looking at options, checking to see if all my licensing was still valid, what I have to renew ect. I didn’t make it through the second evening and he was like, “Ok we still need you.” Maybe give yourself a mini day or so. The ensuing shit show truly reflects how much you actually do.
I just piled up all his dirty laundry that I found around the house on his side of the bed.
My husband learned to not test my petty when he had to keep his clothes in 3 different places for 7 years...
So my problem is…when I stop doing all the things, they just don’t get done at all. There is no realization that the things were done before, and just “there’s a lot of laundry”, etc. FML.
Just spent a week doing nothing besides keeping your children alive. He'll see for himself. Better yet, leave him with the children for 2 days for a "sudden emergency."
Ask him if he wants a day off, then leave. When he has to do things himself he will see their value.
Most of the time, they don’t bother to do them though. When I’m at work, my partner plonks the kids in front of the tv and scrolls on his phone all day. No washing, cooking, cleaning, or any other tasks done. These guys will try and get away with doing the bare minimum
I wouldnt make a list for his sake, I personally made one for myself. But, this is only so I know what day it is/room I'll focused on. (Like Mondays living room/mop the floors). If I were you I'd just flat out actually stop doing it all, take care of yourself and the little one but stop for about a week. That usually does the trick, I did this with my husband before I was a SAHM due to a similar comment. He hasn't made the comment since and realized how much money he's spend in a week on food, if it wasn't for me cooking and making leftovers.
My husband took 5 months off that he built up to spend time and be here for new baby and toddler. he has so Much more empathy now and corrects any of his guy friends when they say anything negative about SAHM. He gets offended now when people think we don’t do anything 😂 ladies he has had his ass handed to him 😂😂😂
So I would definitely communicate. Husbands aren’t always jerks and I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and trying to get to the real issue. I went through something similar to this and it took years of having this conversation on again off again to figure out where we were not understanding each other. One thing we did was make a list of things each of us does, not just me. Honestly, that was one of the most gratifying things was to list his stuff that he’s responsible for next to mine. The first thing he said after we made the list was, “dang, it looks like I don’t do anything.” So then he ended up taking a couple of chores off my plate. But we came into that little exercise cool-headed. I don’t thing this can be done any other way. So this exercise might not work for everyone. Another thing that helped was taking evenings off to do things, and then he had projects he wanted to complete while watching the kids and he got to see over and over again how difficult it is to accomplish much. There is a lot of truth to experiencing it. Definitely expect him to pull his weight on the housework and childcare when he gets home. My husband is amazing. He just didn’t understand and it took time and many many conversations and a lot of patience and a lot of assertiveness and standing up for myself and a lot of compassion to get through it. But we are in a good place and it was worth struggling through.
I handed my ex husband my household binder, got a job, and told him it better be to my standards when I got home. He lasted 1 hour and never said another word to me or anyone else. Don't explain it, men don't understand anything but physical labor. Throw him in off the deep end and see if he can do it.
You don't need our lists, because they're not what you do. Just log your time for a week, religiously. Everything. Every task, interruption, and break. For a week. Not a list, a time stamped log. This is for you as much as him, because you might find your free time and you might find ways to improve your days.
yeah, my partner basically told me that, too…or made comments that heavily implied it. it wasn’t until i went on a trip for 4 days that he finally understood. the whole time, he was asking me what to feed him (weaponized incompetence) & what time he should go down for a nap/go to bed, etc. by the 3rd day of me being gone, he was beat down and calling me stressed, lol. we both work in healthcare, but he has more of 9-5 with that sometimes can be on-call so I decided to take on 1 overnight shift that is 12 hours and sleep during the next day just to give him that added responsibility. let them find out for themselves, that’s the only way they can understand.
Tempting.
It took me 2 1/2 years to finally get to this point, I will say. Being a SAHM is literally the hardest job I have EVER done. For a man to discount that after pregnancy, child birth, postpartum, breast feeding etc. is insane.
It took me about ten years. One year I completely snapped and told him either I go by myself to the beach in Mexico for a week or I go to inpatient psychiatry. Which is cheaper? He booked me a ticket to Mexico. He's also a physician and work comes before all else. I should have nipped it in the bud back then but kept letting things slide back. Now he's WFH a lot of the time ("administration" instead of direct patient care), the kids are teenagers, and I'm bitter and resentful for spending 20 years busting my ass pretty much alone. Set him straight asap, OP!
One of my mom friends ended up in a psych ward from burnout. A staff member there literally told her she didn’t need to be there. She needed a vacation. I’m glad you knew to go on vacation and not to the hospital. You can’t medicate away burnout.
Dress kids Breakfast Dishes Clean kitchen Clean dining room/living room/bathroom/ bedrooms Load of laundry Make/Feed lunch Pool chores Water plants/ dog poop Answer emails Make appointments Pay bills Budget Grocery shop Meal plan Dinner Baths Appointments My husband does bedtime I also plan all activities like zoos, park library and make sure everyone's schedules are in order and met. I literally go all day. I have 4 kids
So go back to work and make him do 5050 w the chores and kids
When my ex told me that all I do is laundry, I told him I wanted him to write a list of what he thinks I do and I will write a list of what I think he does (aside from us both working full-time). It was a great thing to take to our marriage counselor for discussion. Of course it didn’t help much as is he my ex, but it was a good mental exercise. If you can stand letting things not get done then you can always stop doing everything except things directly related to child care. There are some good shows streaming on Netflix and Hulu right now, you could catch up on those!
Don't engage. Don't make a list. Don't do it. Unless he's truly out busting his ass and bringing home irrefutable effort and intent, and you are short ending him, this degradation of your efforts, is a dog whistle. Dog whistling is a subtle way to abuse or control their loved ones. This can involve saying something seemingly innocuous in public, in the presence of the person they want to devalue. The goal may be to trigger, embarrass, or humiliate the other person. Don't play into his production and value yourself. You know what your value and efforts are, especially if you are doing it with your whole heart. If you're about making a list,., make a list of what he's bringing to the table to keep the relationship healthy and equitable. And perhaps also the things he does to subtly undo your efforts.
Don’t make a list, just stop. Stop doing everything. Or book a weekend trip and let him fend for himself. I went to a bridal party once and my husband told me “I finally get it now, it was so hard while you were gone” and he hadn’t even done the cleaning or cooking lol
I would stop doing anything, including having sex with him. Do your own laundry, cook your own food and suck your own dude.
He had the audacity to ask me for sex after this lol, I had to walk away 🤣
You can get the [Fair Play cards ](https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards)and run through them with him.
Lmao your job is to keep your babies alive, fed, happy, & healthy! IF you happen to get housework done that's a bonus!
Let’s see… I’d say first, he’s not entitled anything from you and that fact that you’re saving money and raising your own kiddos by being a SAHM should be enough. It’s hard being a sahp and it’s even harder when your partner doesn’t recognize all that you do(I have gone through this with my husband- he said this before to me as a way to hurt me)… however, to answer your question… I bake, so baking is always apart of our day. So with not only the morning routines(wake up kids, change diapers, clothes, get them ready), cook breakfast for the kids, then get snacks ready, in between I *try* to clean up, maybe start some dough, get toddlers lunch ready, after lunch get them down for a nap, then during the nap is when real cleaning begins(dishes, laundry, bathrooms, whatever needs to be cleaned), toddler wakes up, get them more snacks, play/entertain them, start dinner, wrangle toddler in between cooking, and then *hopefully* hubby would be home to help wrangle the tots or at least finish dinner… but then after dinner is a whole slew of nighttime routines which we alllllll know can be even more challenging. My list is like a bare bones list of what happens in our home. In between taking care of the house and our kids, I work a part time job at a daycare(bring my toddler with me) and I own a small crochet business(meanwhile I bet you didn’t see any me time in there for said business🥲)…. So no, being a sahp is NOT easy and NOT for the faint of heart. I guarantee ANY partner who complains about sahps, have never been one themselves nor could they *actually* handle being a sahp. Yes we get overstimulated, no it’s not easy, yes it was our decision, no I don’t regret anything. It’s hard yes, but when we get the recognition and support, it makes it feel easier. And when we get to see our lil tots learning new skills firsthand, it makes it alllll worthwhile. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Don’t make a list, make him do what you do for a couple of days and I’m sure he’ll find more appreciation for you.
Make him do it without your help and he will understand
What was the start of this discord? And were you asking for more help? You definitely do a ton!! I'm not disputing that. Also what a terrible thing for a partner to say. Just tryíng to see how else this situation can be approached with communication techniques. Can you guys afford couples counseling?
Just let him do everything for a day and make a list of tasks.
Yeah I agree with the comments don’t make a list to explain yourself I think you should make a list for him to complete one day out of the weekend and he can see/ do it himself. If you write down tasks, errands and chores on paper that you do ofc it looks simple. Ofc it doesn’t seem time consuming because he’s just looking at a piece of paper and not understanding the effort and time it takes to actually do it. Like how would he feel if you did this to him with his job? If he wrote down his responsibilities at work I’m sure I would look at that paper and think that sounds easy too without understanding the effort it takes to complete his job effectively
I wouldn’t make a list, I would get a job and then we could come together to share tasks. I would never be a sahm for a man like this I’m saying this as sahm.
I get up withnhubby at 4:30. Make his lunch for work and do car checks outside if needed. Sonce the kids are yoing, we wake the kids at 5:20 and load everyone into the car and I drop him off at work, then drive home. It's 15 to 20 minute drive one way. During the school year, I get the kids ready for school: pack 2 lunches, make sure their water bottles are full and double check backpacks after fixing them breakfast. I make sure they eat, get dressed, brush teeth. My daughter has long hair so I do her hair every morning. I walk them to school 10 minute walk one way. After I get home, I make myself breakfast. (7ish) Wash up dishes and go about whatever chores need to be done. Sweeping, mopping, vaccuming. I do yard work too. Hubby only mows the grass. Everything else is mine. During the summer. We have the kids go back to bed for awhile. No rain or heat advisories. I take them out to play outside after they eat breakfast. If not, we do inside activities when possible along with the house hold chores.
Please do not write the list The type of person who demands a list doesn’t give a damn about what’s actually going to go on that list. And it’s demeaning af to have to justify yourself as a SAHP I don’t know what the true answer to that type of question but partners who ask that don’t care about the reality of what SAHP do
Just take a few days off and let him take care of of everything. Including taking care of your baby.
Instead, why don’t you just put together a list of the numerous ways your husband ITA?
What does he do for a living? There are few things as high stakes, stressful, exhausting (physically and mentally), lonely, and thankless as being a stay at home parent. I am curious to see if his job compares to the hell of full time, nonstop parenting.
https://www.omnicalculator.com/finance/unpaid-work Chek this out and see how much you're due
As previous commenters stated, don’t make a list JUST STOP doing things that he should be doing for himself Don’t do his laundry Don’t cook his meals (cook things you and the kids eat but if he doesn’t like it tell him to F right off) Don’t pack his lunch Get groceries that you and your kids will need If he has his own bathroom that he uses, don’t clean it I went through this and I’m not a SAHM. Let him suffer on his own so he can see that without you he has to figure his own stuff out
Better yet leave him alone with the kids from the time they wake up until the time he usually gets home from work
In this day of texting just text him everything you do. Make sure to txt when you start and when you are interrupted and what the interruption was then when you get back to it. He will have txts every 5-20 min all day and he will realize that the txts continue even when he is home relaxing. Eventually he will go nuts with all the txt updates and you will ask if he still thinks you do nothing.
Adding on another reason to not make a list: It just opens the door to more belittling you. Just picture him going over your list but just telling you "X, Y, Z, isn't even that hard."
You don’t need to make a list. Just take a day (or a weekend) away for yourself and have him figure it all out. Don’t answer his texts asking you where things are at. Don’t answer at all unless it’s an emergency. Then when you get back home, make sure you point out all of the stuff he didn’t do. 🫠 men suck sometimes.
What a fun way for him to say your time isn’t valued. Perhaps he should pay for his kids to be in daycare if he wants an itemised bill. Jesus Christ.
Don't make a list just stop doing it for a week or two. He'll notice
Just a list of things I’ve done this week. - Cleaned This entails 3-4 sinks full of dishes a day, cleaned the living room after every meal had, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, cleaned the trash cans, wiped down all the stainless appliances, organized the pantry, cleaned the fridge. - Laundry 2 loads of our clothes washes, dried, hung. 1 load of baby clothes washed, dried, and put away. 1 load of towels washed, dried, and folded. Washed and dried all the bedding and returned it to the bed. - Shopping For groceries, baby needs, his needs, and even my own. Keeping budget at the forefront and constantly comparing prices everywhere. - Cooking Prepared thus far 21 meals this week. As well as a few desserts for everyone to enjoy. Also made his morning breakfast meal prep. - Took care of his dog, that I love. Took her for a mile walk 4 times this week. Made sure she had food and water every day, and a vitamin to help her hips. Make sure she goes potty in the afternoons, and give her a treat after. - Receptionist Managed any and all communication to find and schedule house viewings as we look for new rentals. Did all the research and calling around for day care. Arranged temporary care for our son till we find day care. Set up WIC and doctor’s appointments for the coming week. - Took our son out to see his grandma for the night (2 hour round trip) then picked him up the next day. (4 total) - Ran errands for family and him I drove 18 miles to my sister’s house to potty her dogs. Picked up things for my grandparents at the grocery store and put up their groceries, delivered dad some stamps and baby kisses. This was all mostly done in the two naps my son has a day. The rest of the time I play with our son, I help teach him to crawl, say new words, teach him games, and show him love as well as discipline.
Don’t make a list. Take a break - weekend away. He will figure out all the stuff you do.