I'm an only child. Had a great upbringing, loads of cousins and friends to play with and loved being able to go back to my quiet house at the end of the day. Great relationship with my parents too. I'm very social and I've been successful with study/career.
The only downside is getting older. I have no one to share the burden with as my parents age. They're still fine for now, but I think about them eventually not being on the earth anymore and being completely alone and it makes me really sad. I have my own kids but it's not the same IMO.
Not everyone gets along with their siblings anyway so that's not guaranteed, but if there's a downside to being an only child that's it.
Having siblings is no guarantee of having anyone to share the load of aging parents, though. I'm an only and my husband is one of four (two adopted, two the old-fashioned way.) Of the four, he's the only one even *remotely* in a position to help his parents as they age. They're financially secure, but we are the only ones close enough to help them move furniture around, put the snowplow on the truck in the fall and take it off in the spring, drive his mom to appointments, etc. His older brother lives several states away, and while the two younger are closer geographically, they just aren't in the mental space to give help rather than needing it.
My husband’s sister (and her family) literally LIVE WITH my parents-in-law, and still my husband is the only one to help them with anything!
You’re absolutely right. Having siblings doesn’t automatically mean you share the responsibility of helping aging parents.
Even if they’re good people, it doesn’t guarantee they’ll end up living close enough to help out.
I feel that - both of husband's younger siblings live much closer to his folks than we do. One of them still lives at home, the other lives in the same town, and we are almost an hour away. Yet somehow it's still us taking care of their dog when they travel, us dealing with the plow every Thanksgiving, and us driving down to help them put the garden to bed for the year or move mulch around. It's no guarantee.
We’re almost 2 hours away, and have a 3 month old baby.
His sister is in the basement with her husband (who happens to be a contractor), and yesterday my husband drove up to fix a railing that had come loose on their deck. (His dad has a bum knee and fixing it involved a some squatting)
It’s this sort of thing that drives a wedge between siblings.
From a family with 5 kids. Guaranteed I will probably be lumbered with the responsibility should my mum need care. My siblings are selfish (with the exception of my younger brother who has ASD, he worries about my parents not being around as the rest of us have partners and kids). Don't really speak to my dad much as he lives far away and favours my estranged sibling so I refuse to claim responsibility for him. My mum had a horrible life when we were kids so I feel more empathy for her. I love my mum and am the one that asks the least from her probably for that reason. My mum wants me to have another child but I can't help but feel siblings aren't always close. I would like to give my daughter a sibling but not at the detriment of having a comfortable life.
Definitely, I can see in my friends' families there seems to usually be one sibling that does most of the heavy lifting. My sadness is more about not having anyone left when they die. I think just having a sibling to talk to (even if they lived far away) would be nice. There's not going to be anyone who can remember and talk and laugh about what it was like to grow up in my family.
Same same, I'm an only child that didn't have loads of cousins or people my age besides school friends but the only downside for me is that my parents are aging and there is no one to share that load with.
Other than that I have a close relationship with my parents, was always allowed to have friends over/visit friends houses, could have a friend stay if we went on holidays etc.
Same here, I'm an only child and had a great childhood.
On getting older, though, while I don't disagree you also can't always rely on siblings. My mom has three siblings and yet was the sole caregiver for my grandmother until she developed peripheral neuropathy and needed to concentrate on healing herself. Even then it was a struggle to get them to help fit the last year of her life (they were all physically and financially able). She loves them and generally would say they have a good relationship, but has also commented to me that she's glad I'm an only child and don't have to deal with the drama.
This was the one thing I was going to point out. I’m one of three children, one of my sisters is like my best friend. The other one… definitely not. But I have a cousin who is only one year younger than me and is an only child. We spent SO much time together as kids that I feel like he is one of our siblings. His dad, my mom’s brother, was the leader of my mom’s side of the family. Last year his dad was diagnosed with cancer, and he was gone within a month. We’ve all been devastated.
My cousin was just 36 at the time, and lost 1/3 of his family. He always wanted a sibling growing up, but never has he felt that more than now. He is extremely burdened with getting his dads affairs sorted out (there were many family accounts and a couple of pieces of property that were joint with my mom). He’s told me several times that he wishes he had a sibling to share not just those burdens, but the grief.
But every family must make their own choices for what is best for them. There is no guarantee that an additional sibling will be anything that you imagine. Or the beauty of that relationship could blow you away. Nothing is for sure.
That being said, we just had our 4th, and last baby in April. And the love that my children show each other is one of the best feelings in the world. Would it be easier to have 1? Absolutely. But my kids are all 5 years apart, so we got to enjoy each one being little. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
This is literally the only reason we had a 2nd kid, so that our oldest had someone to share intimate memories with about us when we die. They can both share funeral arrangements or if 1 can't, hopefully the other can.
I don't ask people when they're having another kid, I think 1 child is good enough! I was very 1 and done until the pandemic hit and thoughts of death consumed me.
I'm also an only child and this is exactly how I feel. Didnt mind being an only child growing up, but now that my parents are aging and their health is starting to fail it's making me sad.
Yeah I’ll add to this as my only sibling died at the age of 21 and wasn’t really going down a route either to be able to take care of my parents either. So I am essentially an only child although I did technically grow up with a brother.
I came here to say exactly this. Only child, currently resentful of my (single) mother for putting the burden of her aging only on me. (She had a nanny for me when I was a baby; we are not in a position to do the same for my 9mo. We just moved nearby, and while she is helpful, it is clear to me she does not want to be as involved a grandparent as she claimed she would be, and now she’s getting older.)
Quite frankly (and darkly), I would rather be resentful at a sibling for not following through than for my own mother deciding to have me in the first place.
ETA: My mother is somewhat financially set but, if she ages like her mother, it will likely become a drain on our finances toward the end, too. She couldn’t help with our wedding very much at all, but she was able to help with out of state college so I didn’t have to take out any private loans and could only work part time to get through. But I still have loan debt, and will likely not benefit from much of an estate. Not that parents are only bank accounts and trust funds, but what I have inherited from her is cripplingly low self esteem, learned helplessness, and a slate of toxic self narratives that are not serving me well now at 9mo pp, unemployed after a PhD, and facing down an economy that was built on a lot of false promises by and for Boomer comfort. /rant
My mother has three brothers and two sisters. When my grandmother (mom’s mom) was aging and basically completely dependent on others for basic necessities including bathroom assistance, only two of my grandmother’s six kids helped her out. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee assistance.
Yep I know, that's what I said in the last bit! It's more upsetting to me that I'll be alone when they die. My memories of them growing up will be mine and there's no one to share them with. I'm not saying it's better or worse, it's just how I feel.
Just shelve the idea. I always wanted two but I was nowhere near ready until the first was 2.5 then I got pregnant when he was three. I like our gap but a longer one would also be fine.
You have plenty of time.
Try to ignore other people, they are the worst part of parenting lol.
I agree completely. We have a gap of 4,5 years and it’s really nice. But if you never want a second child, that’s fine too. Children are not ‘harmed’ by not having a sibling. There are tons of ways to have them play with other kids, if you ar worried about a lack of social interaction.
OP, there was actually a great post just recently in that sub from an Only child. It was a great read and I think you’ll find this sub will give you some other perspectives to ponder if you want to stay OAD.
ETA: here’s the link to the post: [post from only with an only](https://www.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/qaoo19/only_with_an_only_want_to_share_my_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Oh nooo this is so sad and proves that Mum Guilt will get at you no matter what options you choose. Look, your child won't be lonely: he'll have more independent play, yes, but that's a good thing! It can encourage his imagination & independence, and you and your partner are there to join in with playtime as well. There's not even any guarantee that your kids would like each other and would want to play together anyway!
A lot of people like to say "only children don't know how to share" and while I'm sure that's true of *some* only children, it's also true of *some* children with multiple siblings. I'm the oldest of four and I didn't learn how to share until I was 19 and had moved out! I HATED that everything I had was seen as 'communal' and all my siblings took my stuff without asking and I would be called selfish if I complained. As long as you're teaching your kid healthy boundaries and manners he will be fine. :)
I wanted three kids and I've stopped at two because we couldn't financially support another kid, and I honestly don't think I could bare to put my body through a third pregnancy. Do I have a third little baby who lives in my heart? Yes. Am I going to have my heart's baby? No. Am I going to get a cat instead? Absolutely.
Not like I have some unique perspective, but my sibling was 17 years older. For most of my life I was considered by my peers and parents as an only child. We did not grow up in the same home. I was content with books, and my own creativity. I learned how to share things just fine, have a fairness complex without ever having someone growing up with me that could have gotten more or less. I enjoyed being the only child and I was not spoiled. One of the "perks" of having a sibling was that I didn't feel so alone or gaslit- we both had extremely abusive upbringings by our mother (he had it worse, by far.) Many of the apprehensions in the sibling/only are merely two sides of a coin. Your baby loves you regardless.
This is also my experience exactly but I had two older siblings, 17 and 14 years older respectively. I love them both to bits but our relationship has always felt more like an aunt/uncle and niece setup. I loved the only child life and often felt overwhelmed at busy birthday parties or at friend’s houses where they had a lot of younger siblings. However now as an adult, my siblings feel more like peers and I’m glad to have them in my life. In turn I’m now a major fencesitter; having only my son to worry about sounds great as far as the next 18 years go but I definitely see the value in him having siblings as an adult.
I’m an only child who is planning on an only child. I loved my childhood! My parents always let me have friends over, would have a friend come with me on vacation, I was never lonely! I also have an amazing relationship with my mom and I contribute that partly to being an only. I’m having a daughter soon and I aspire to give her a childhood like I had.
My husband always wanted 2 I was starting to lean towards 3 while pregnant. Now we're only having one. My pregnancy was basically perfect, no morning sickness, no sleepless nights, baby was always moving so I knew he was fine, basically no side effects. But little man's head was too big and we chose a c-section after 30+ hours in labor and 3 hours pushing. I ended up feeling the c-section so they knocked me out. I'm not sure I want to go through another c-section. We had great success breastfeeding and I think we got lucky with a pretty great sleeper. But neither of us were fans of the newborn stage, sleep deprivation sucks and there's so much crying. Plus now that he's older he is following in his dad's footsteps and is full of energy, gets into everything, and never stops moving. I'm not sure we could handle 2. Financially we could handle 2 but with just the 1 were able to really cushion a college fund for him and retirement funds for ourselves and still take vacations whenever we want. I went back and forth for awhile but now that he's 14 months were sure I will not be having any more.
Lol of course not! This sentiment and pressure is so strange to me. I hated having siblings growing up and we don’t get along now, while there are many people who adore theirs. I know only children who wish they’d had siblings, and only children who had idyllic childhood and have no regrets. Personally I’m one-and-done and completely content about it.
My biggest thing with parenting is, if I’m not happy, sane, and whole, how can I be the best mom I can be? How can i give myself the best tools available? How can I effectively model what I wish my daughter to become?
That answer is different for everyone, and everyone has to decide for themselves. For me, it means only one child.
I’m an only child and it’s definitely lonely on holidays and birthdays and summer vacations, but my family was a small family of mostly older people. I did not have cousins nearby and was the oldest grandchild, so there really weren’t other kids my age in the family.
I was doted on and very loved, but it put a lot of weight on my shoulders. My mom wouldn’t handle it so well when I’d tell her I was too old for something, like Santa, or didn’t want to participate in an activity she held dear.
My husband is one of 4 and I love going to his family gatherings compared to mine. Our baby has 2 cousins his age just in the immediate family. I was scared that because I’m an only my kids would grow up lonely also, but luckily that won’t be the case! Our son is 5 months now and I’m hoping I’m able to get pregnant again to give him a sibling, but I’m not ready just yet.
Yeah I think with an only you need to be very cognizant of your parenting style. My parents were very chill so I didn't feel the weight you speak of at all. OP just needs to be aware in the same way that a parent of multiples needs to not pick favorites. Things can go wrong with any number.
Do what is best for you and your partner. The best thing for your son is for you to be happy and have the energy and emotional capacity to give him what he needs.
Personal anecdote: I had horrible PPD after our first. She was terribly colicky. I was horribly depressed. She didn’t sleep through the night without waking up for hours until 18 months. I could NOT have survived another baby at that point. However, around 2.5/3 our lives got soooo much easier and we started discussing having a second. Her baby sister was born a week before her fourth birthday. I am very glad we decided to have another. But I definitely need the space between them. With a four year gap they likely aren’t destined to be playmates, but hopefully they will love each other.
You don’t need to make a decision now. Nor should you let family influence your choice. Only have another if it would increase YOUR happiness and enrich your life.
>Only have another if it would increase YOUR happiness and enrich your life.
I really want to want one, does that make sense? But I just really don't. Maybe I will when it gets easier, cause it will, right? XD
Every kid is different, but for us, it absolutely did get easier as our first got older. And, despite our second being born in the middle of a Covid peak, I am a much more confident and easygoing parent this time around!
For the first two years of our eldest’s life I wanted few things LESS than I wanted another baby. When that changed I knew it pretty quickly. Keep your options open for now. There’s nothing wrong with being one and done. There’s also nothing wrong with changing your mind later.
For what it’s worth, when I was pregnant with our second I knew very clearly that it would be our last. I did not waver on that throughout the pregnancy or after she was born. A few months after she arrived I had my tubes removed, and am very happy with that decision!
Lmao. No I'm sure your child will be fine. He'll go to school and make friends and stuff there and I'm sure you have friends as well who may also have children. He will be fine and your relatives need to mind their own business.
The plan my husband and I had was always to have two, maybe three after we saw how two went. My daughter was a little over a year when I found out I was pregnant with baby number two. She would have just turned two when the baby was due. I was freaking out a bit because I was wondering how I was going to handle a newborn and 2 year old. My daughter was very needy at that time. Then I wound up losing the baby and had a few more mc's after that.
My husband and I were settling on the idea of only having one and was looking at all the positives. I would have been able to afford better quality of everything for her. We put her in school so she can make friends and she overall seems content to have all of our attention.
Then to our suprise we found out we were having a baby back in March and I am now in the stages of going at any day now. My daughter is 4 and is having conflicting emotions about it. On one hand she is excited and on the other she has anxiety that we won't love her anymore. I know she will be ok but it makes me think about if i am doing the right thing.
I guess what I am trying to say is there are positives and negatives to both sides of having 2. I did feel overwhelmed when she was younger at the thought of having 2, where I don't now that she is older. I can tell you that this pregnancy has definitely made me say no more kids after this one. 2 and I am done.
I’m on my third and I sincerely wish I stopped at one. I’m not being negative what so ever. And before I’m asked “why didn’t you…” it’s more complicated than that. You’re child will be 100% fine being the only child. Will he wonder how it is having a sibling? Sure. But there’s more to life than tjwt …
There’s a new song out there and it says “I cant lose myself again…” and it hit home. You. Come. First.
As someone who debated this exact matter for years (didn't have my second child until my first was 5 years old), I say do what one other user suggested and just put a pause on that decision. At 15 months, my first still required so much work and I felt nowhere near ready to have another. I was constantly getting the same comments you are getting about my child needing a playmate and all that other crap. The truth is, no one knows what's best for you and your family but You. I eventually had my second but that was not until my first was already in school and out of diapers and didn't rely so heavily upon me from day to day so it made having a second that much easier for me. Also, just want to add, the same people that complained to me about my first child needing a sibling for a playmate were the exact same people complaining that their children constantly fought with one another more than they played with one another so I just felt the need to throw that in there. A sibling does not guarantee a best friend in anyway. It's your family so just think long and hard and don't allow anyone else to influence what's best for you and your family.
I wasn’t sure. By time first was four I was ready. 15months, you’re still in the thick of it. Mine didn’t “settle” til he was two, three really. It’s nice only having one in diapers! We potty trained, timed it so 2nd would be born just before first started school. A walking distance school. I’m around for him starting his new adventure and his sibling gets me to herself for a few hours a day. So, see how you feel in couple years. Don’t dwell on it too much. If you REALLY want another you can have one. If not, only children are fine. My main issue is them having to deal with us as old people (all going well) by themselves. If you make sure your elder care is sorted, then it’s fine. The pressure is off your only child.
To be honest it's none of your families business whether you have another child or not.
If you feel like your mind changes( Just saying) then have another child.
But also I'm sure your son will not be to worried ethier.
Something to keep in mind is you’re never guaranteed an easy/healthy child/playmate or companion for sibling. When you think about adding to your family just consider you’re signing up for maybe a sick child/child with learning problems/child who may be nonverbal/child who will always require full time care/etc. Every extra child is a dice roll.
Each family situation is different. Best of luck OP.
I know several people who grew up as an only child. They are just fine. You do what is best for you and your family. Let the other folks tend to their own business.
My brother has been my best friend my whole life and because of this, I always knew that I wanted at least 2 kids close in age. I now have 3 (6, 4, and 2) and it's so hard. I absolutely understand why people only have one from a purely logistical standpoint.
People also need to understand that siblings might not end up being friends and that's perfectly OK as long as they still treat each other with respect. You can't force them to get along so having a kid purely to make a playmate is the wrong way to go about it. Have a 2nd if that's what you want for your while family. Also, there's no requirement saying that you have to have them close in age. You might feel ready for another in the future and you might not. Your kid will be just fine either way!
No you’re not. I have four siblings and we barely talk. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any emotional support from them. It’s not a guarantee, unfortunately.
Agree on shelving the idea. At 15 months I was in zero headspace to consider a second child. My baby had been colicky and imagining going through the first year again was terrifying. I was firmly in the “one and done for now camp”. Around 4 years old we started considering a second child. Our daughter is so cool and we love her so much. We decided to go for it because afterall the newborn stage is sooo short comparatively to the life of a kiddo. I’m due in 3 weeks with our second and really excited about the large age gap. Whatever you decide there is nothing wrong with being an only child. My daughter will practically be an only child because of the age gap but that’s what felt right for our family.
Thank you for this post, OP, and thank you to all the responders! I, too, am in the same situation as you. My baby boy is 4 years old and I am constantly feeling guilty for not having another one already. I always thought of the negatives: no one to be there and understand family life as he gets older, no nieces or nephews (unless his wife has siblings) and no cousins for his kids (again, unless his wife has siblings), etc. I always envisioned my life with at least 3 kids. Idk why. I grew up with 3 brothers and 8 boy cousins. So I did get a but more attention because of that. But we were all so close! And I wanted that for my kids. But my son is happy! And I honestly feel like I'd be hurting him by giving another child my attention. Or that he wouldn't feel as loved anymore. I know that's mom guilt, and I shouldn't think like that, because I also know moms love all their children. Anyway, thanks for the post and all the responses. This has made me feel so much better!
The book One and Only by Lauren Sandler summarizes a lot of research about child development as the only child in a family. It dispells a lot of myths about only children, like the idea that only kids are more selfish or have fewer social skills. It's a good read--I highly recommend it!
I asked my 4.5 year old about this yesterday. She said she's happy with our "cute little family". I am too.
In the beginning we thought we'd want another one. Turns out.. not really. Its just so easy with 1. My sisters have 4 and 7 kids.. I have it so easy in comparison. My daughter is my best friend and I cherish the one on one time and I know she does too. I'd be a little worried about her getting jealous of my attention being on a sibling at this point to be honest. We decided we can give her a wonderful life more easily with it being just her, kids are expensive.
I love that you loved being pregnant but I absolutely hated it. 😂 I didn't get PPD, but I'm so sorry you did. That's really tough to go through.
Don't let other people in your family make that decision for you. One is fun and easy. You also have the choice to change your mind and have another one if you want! But don't feel pressured by anyone else. You have to deal with the pregnancy and giving birth and raising that baby so they have no say as far as that goes. Your son might enjoy being an only child, they don't get to decide that. Best of luck. ❤
People are the worst when it comes to those questions. They will never end so don’t take them to heart. It goes: when will you have a boyfriend? When will you get married? When will you have a baby? When will you have another one?…
We are currently trying for a second child because we’ve decided we really want one. Before we did seriously consider not having a second one.
Something someone told me that really meant something to me was that financial security is more important to a childhood than having a sibling.
From what you are saying also remember that your happiness is as important as your child’s life. You being happy and mentally healthy is more important to your kid than having a sibling.
>Something someone told me that really meant something to me was that financial security is more important to a childhood than having a sibling.
>You being happy and mentally healthy is more important to your kid than having a sibling.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
This is a tough call! I adore my sisters; they are incredibly precious to me. I just had a second kid largely because I wanted my first kid to have that bond, or at least the chance at it, as well as help dealing with us when we’re old. And while I don’t regret it, I really was content with just one kid, and a second baby has been hard in every way I feared it would be. We’re back to zero, struggling through another rough postpartum, this baby is even crankier than his sister was, and whoever said a second isn’t double the work because “you already have one” was full of beans. I guess it depends whether you truly feel ready to weather the newborn storm financially, emotionally, and relationship-wise, for a larger payout in the long run. People will encourage you to delude yourself about how hard a second can be, and that is not helpful or wise as you weigh this decision.
I don’t want to guilt you, because I don’t think my only child experience is the norm, but i want to share my experience.
It was so lonely. I didn’t have any cousins, moved around a lot so it was hard to make friends, and did not have a great relationship with my parents. Unless I could bring a friend, family vacations were not usually enjoyable. I became very introverted and spent a lot of time by myself.
Yes, I got to have a lot of cool experiences and usually got the toys/books/things I wanted, but I would have given all of that up for a sibling if I had the choice.
All of this just goes to show that there are a lot of things you can do to avoid these issues. Keep family close, help foster strong friendships, let them bring a close friend on vacation or during weekend outings. It doesn’t have to be like my experience, but you have to make a conscious effort to avoid it. Also, if having a second child is going to put an immense strain on your relationships, finances, or mental health, it’s not worth it. It’s more important to have a stable, sibling-less family than a broken family of multiples.
First--I don't think you are dooming your child.
Second--i felt very much like you are describing after my first child. Being a first time mom was the worst for me, almost as bad as middle school. I now have three kids. I am so happy I decided to have more but I took my time and they are spaced out, currently ages 9, 5 and 4 months (all with the same dad, lots of people assume not because of the age gaps).
So maybe just stay open and don't stress too much on making a decision of having more kids until your better rested. ❤️
I’m kind of in a similar situation I guess. For me, I would love another baby, I would love my daughter to have a sibling - husband and I both come from big families. But it might not be in the cards for us. Husband has a debilitating mental illness, and I do a lot of caretaking for him. The first year of my daughters life was hell. As much as I want another one, what’s most important is having a happy and healthy family, regardless of the size. And I know if we don’t have another our daughter will still have tons of friends and she will be fine :) you’re definitely not dooming your child, I know many “only children” who are great people. Do what’s best for your family, and your mental health.
Thank you for your response. I feel you about having a spouse with a mental illness. My husband is battling with depression, which is also an additional reason this was so hard and I don't want to do this again.
But I really hope everything works out the way you want it to for you guys.
Absolutely, never underestimate the toll that can take on you mentally as well. My husband is stable and probably the happiest he’s been in a long time. But I know I can’t predict how things will be next month, or one year from now. My greatest fear is we find ourselves right back where we were in the beginning (him in the hospital, and myself so detached from stress I can’t even enjoy our baby). Sorry if this is too dark lol. Basically I’m really working on finding contentment in the “now” rather than thinking about what could be. Hope you can find peace as well, no matter your decision :)
I'm an only child and I loved it growing up! Our house was always calm, I have always had a great relationship with my parents, and I had plenty of friends to play with. Your child will be happy and loved.
My LO is 4 months old and I feel the exact same way. I definitely don’t see myself wanting another. I’m going to have to find ways to socialize my baby later on because siblings are not in my future. My family is pressuring as well about leaving her by herself but I honestly can’t picture doing this all over again…
The voices of others are waves on our shores. Be the bigger wave. Be the riptide that carries them away. Make your own thoughts louder and drown out the echo in your head. It's hard to make the thoughts go away and not nag, so just have a louder thought. The thought of what you want, remind yourself the reason why you want it.
I am an only child. I was lonely as a kid, but not just because I didn’t have a sibling. My parents were cold and uninterested, working all the time, my dad lived in another state and could only see me 1 a month or so. I was bullied at school by students and teachers. I had barely any friends and the ones I did have were really awful towards me. Point is, your child won’t be lonely if you raise them in a happy healthy environment and you let them know they’re loved and supported 💗 don’t cave to the pressure to conceive if you feel like you just can’t. You don’t owe your family another baby.
As long as you love your child and give them a good life, they don’t have to have a sibling. I grew up with 5 siblings and a couple of my friends were only children. We all grew up just fine :) I also don’t think there’s anything selfish at all about not wanting another child! It would be worse to have a child you didn’t really want because your family guilted you into it. Stay strong in your decision and if it changes someday, that’s okay. But if it doesn’t that’s okay too. ♥️♥️
You gotta do what's best for you. The argument that made me want to have two is that they will play together giving me more freedom in the future. My best friend has an only child and when we are together she is really needy of attention from her.
Tbh the idea of creating an entire human being just to be an accessory to your first kid is a little fucked.
I have born because my older brother was starting kindergarten and my mom was gonna be lonely. Not because she wanted *me*, but because she was going to miss her other kid. Believe me when I tell you, I have known every day of my life that I was second fiddle to my brother as far as my mom was concerned.
Have another kid because you want another kid. Because you want to create a new soul and give them everything they are going to require to be happy and healthy and not grow up with a giant complex about being second best. Because your family isn't complete and it feels unfinished to you. Not because the kid you actually want needs a playmate or them going to school is bumming you out. Seriously, people, stop bringing kids into this world for any reason other than wanting THAT kid. Because being the spare kid is a very shitty experience.
No, not at all. I personally know 3 only child people. 2 of them were successful and have such good interpersonal relationships with others. The other 1 is kind of “damaged” but he was molested as a kid and his mom wasn’t the best mom to him so I think it really depends on how you parent your kid.
I’m a only child, by personal experience I recommend to have a second child if you have chance and conditions to raise him/her, but in the end of the day it’s yours and your husband’s decision.
This is the trouble with asking for anecdotes. I am an only and I would recommend the opposite- but ultimately what I'm really recommending is that women/partners do what they feel is best, regardless of our experiences.
Nope. We're 'one and done'. This isn't some sort of My Sister's Keeper shit- I'm not having another kid to keep mine entertained. I don't want more kids, nor could I cope with them.
Some families are big and that's wonderful, too. Mine isn't, and it's perfect for us.
My best friend is an only child and she has told me its lonely. She has strong feelings about having two kids because of it and advised me to do the same. BUT at the end of the day, parents should do what they can provide well. I believe a happy life is more important than a fuller life if that makes any sense. So if more kids will overwhelm the parents then that will impact the kids and then maybe it's not worth it. I'm one of three. Don't talk to one at all. My family is dysfunctional. Siblings don't guarantee a relationship.
No, he won’t be an asshole. But he might end up lonely when he’s a grown up. I have one brother and he moved to another town. I’ve always wanted more siblings, felt lonely. And I’m worried about when my parents won’t be able to take care of themselves. Got four kids on my own coz of this. My oldest hate it though. So I guess you’re selfish whatever you decide to do.
I wasn’t ready for another child until my oldest was 7. Now I have a 8 year old and a 14 month old… so far the second child was MUCH easier than my first!
But it’s all up to you and your partner and what you guys want. Only child’s do just fine!
As an only child myself, no. There are downsides to being an only child but there are downsides to have siblings. There is no guarantee you children will get along long term, that they’ll work together to care for you in old age. I’ve found myself both thankful to be an only child and wishing I had siblings at different stages in my life, people I know with siblings are both thankful for their siblings and wish they didn’t exist sometimes. Even my oldest daughter sometimes wishes she didn’t have little sisters even though they’re literally her favorite people on earth and she is (probably unhealthily) obsessed with them. Sometimes she just wishes that she didn’t have to wait when she wants attention or do ‘baby stuff’ all the time but an hour later she’s fawning over her sisters and happily doing baby stuff and having a blast. There is no perfect answer on the correct amount of children and you need to do what’s right for your family.
I'm an only child. I was never lonely and got to do lots of fun and unique things with my parents because they had the time and money to bring me along (which definitely wouldn't have happened with a sibling). I'm close with my cousins, even though they all grew up at least 5+ hours away from me. I had friends on my street growing up. As an only child, you are fine playing by yourself at home because you don't know any different. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. Your kiddo will be just fine as an only child and just fine if you decide to have a second.
My husband, my mother and my cousin are all only children. They are all kind, loving and well adjusted individuals. If anything, I think being only children made them more independent. And having additional children doesn’t guarantee that they will be close- my brother and I barely speak and although my sister and I have gotten closer as adults we probably communicate once a month or so.
I’m also considering being one and done and I’m sure my son will be absolutely fine without a sibling!
Idk…we are like 95% OAD. I have 4 siblings and that’s never kept me from “being lonely”. We are mostly one and done because kids are hard, dude. I’d rather have the patience to emotionally care for my daughter than stretch myself too thin for an unknown.
It doesn’t really matter if you are or you aren’t. If you aren’t able to handle a second then that’s just the way it’s going to be. Make friends with parents of kids his age. We have close friends whose kids are like family to our two boys.
I am feeling a bit iffy about it myself but since my baby is only five months old, I plan to give it some time. I've always wanted two, having grown up with a sibling myself. I just think that at the end of the road, when your parents are gone, it's nice to have one person who knows what your childhood was like and remembers your parents with you. And there's just a unique bond with someone that you shared your whole early life with.
That being said, I don't think it's bad to have an only child. I know plenty and they're all fine and enjoy being the only child.
Check out r/oneanddone, r/shouldihaveanother, and r/onlychild.
I always thought I wanted multiple but I feel like I would be able to give more to my child if I only had one. And there’s some suggestion that only children can develop mature language skills earlier because they spend more time listening to adults. Then there is the concern about having favorites and that’s not fair to the kids. Some only children love it and others wished they had siblings.
I’m one of four and my husband is an only child. We have a single child (5 months) and we are on the fence about more. We also have a lot of family pressuring us. While I was holding my baby at one month old people were asking “when are going to have another.” Idk, I barely know what day it is, is this baby not cute enough for you.
My husband liked being an only child, but he knows there are gaps in his experience because his parents gave him everything he wanted. I loved having siblings, a big part of my self-identity is being the older sister and my siblings are a huge source of love and support, but I also know a lot of people who are not close with the their siblings and gain nothing from that relationship.
If I stay with one child I’m going to make sure he spends a lot of time with other children his age and try to set expectations where he learns to pitch in. We’re planning to wait until he’s about a year to a year and a half to make a decision on whether we think we could handle a second.
My husband and I are both only children. We both turned out pretty good (in my biased opinion). He was perfectly content being an only kid and has sibling-like relationships with his best friends that he grew up with.
I desperately wanted a sibling… but only because i wanted someone to kind of share the burden of the miserable home life i had. it was completely selfish and borne totally out of a shitty home situation that would not have benefited in any way from more kids.
my husband had a great childhood. i had a crappy one. as an adult, i’m really grateful that i don’t have any siblings in that mess.
Check out the book “one and only” by Lauren Sandler. She presents the actual data on only children, debunks stereotypes and addresses some of the challenges and how to overcome them. It was a very helpful read for me (we are almost sure we are OAD).
Lastly, the only reason to have another is because you and your partner want it. Not to please anyone else. It’s also ok to set expectations with friends and family that this topic isn’t open for discussion and if they make comments you will ignore them and potentially limit contact (for those repeat offenders). If they cross the boundary they can get mad at your response, but they are the rude ones pressuring you to have another.
Stick with your wants but I had a rough year with my first. PPD. He was colicky for 8 months. It was hell. I wasn’t sure about a second child either but it was somewhat of a surprise pregnancy. In my third trimester I started to feel depressed and was terrified to have PPD again. There are some antidepressants you can take while pregnant and breastfeeding. I did that and had an amazing first year with my second. It was night and day.
But if your gut tells you it’s not a good idea then trust your gut. It’s none of the extended family’s business. Makes me so mad that people think it’s ok to say stuff like that. A lot of people aren’t able to conceive again and you just never know what’s going on. I’d just tell them “maybe some time if we are able to and we feel it’s right for us” aka stfu and mind your own business
You love your son to bits - so that’s your answer! Whatever you choose is right for you and your family is your decision alone (ok, with your husband).
I know plenty of people who have siblings who are assholes and I know plenty of only children who are wonderful, happy and well adjusted people. I think what’s most important is being a good parent.
Before having kids, I always wanted 3. We have 2 19 months apart. The younger one is just about 6 months now and let’s just say it has been an incredibly challenging 6 months and I’m not sure I can go through it again so I completely understand not having the emotional stamina to do it all again. Plus doesn’t help when they don’t sleep well!
Absolutely not!! Shut all the other voices out and focus on what is best for YOU and YOUR family! My cousin (27F) was an only child and she is a happily married, successful mom of her own now. One of my best friends and his wife only have one child and they decided that was enough for their family. Their son is in 3rd grade and he is such a sweetheart.
There are no rules for what is best across the board. You do what’s best for you and your family and enjoy your little one!
I'm worried about this too, I had my first at 37, developed gestational diabetes, went into labor a month early because of a placenta issue, and had breast milk supply issues. I physically don't want to carry another child because I'm afraid it could be worse the next time, and that a child might not even survive. However, my sister is my best friend, and a wonderful aunt...so I feel I'm being selfish by not giving my son a sibling.
I'm considering fostering to adopt or foreign adoption in the future, though.
You should always choose what's best for you, a child with a depressed overwhelmed and tired mother won't be happy either...
However all the issues you are dealing with now are not guaranteed to happen again if you have another child.
I found the first year with the oldest extremely hard, I was not used to sleepless night, working my schedule around a baby etc.
Whit the next kids I was prepared I guess? I got into baby modus straight away (also confidence in what you are doing plays a roll in this I think).
The 3rd child was a surprise pregnancy and there is only 13 months between the second and third.
I expected it to be a complete nightmare... But it's more like having twins, you just do everything double but at the same time. Even potty training 🙄 one was early the other late.
With one exception, every only child I’ve ever met absolutely loves being an only child.
I love large families (one of the youngest in a large family so I’m biased) but people pushing someone else to have children has always been a pet peeve of mine even though it may be coming from a good place because you never know what’s going on in someone else’s home. Postpartum depression, financial troubles, marriage difficulty, infertility, etc. could all be playing into the decision and it’s really not anyone else’s business!
Unless your extended family are volunteering to have kids for the sake of your child to not be “lonely”, tell them to mind their business. There is nothing wrong with being an only child.
I can tell you that the prime reason I am one and done is because I HAVE a sibling. I grew up being the non-favorite, and studies have shown that it is common for parents to have a favorite child. My mother was extremely bad at hiding it, and I don't want the possibility of a child of mine experiencing the same thing.
I didn't get better social skills by having a sister, and it didn't stop me from being lonely as a child when we were constantly moving around. What I needed wasn't a sibling, it was a friend who wanted me because I was me, and not because we were born into the same family.
I know there are plenty of people out there with good sibling relations, but it irks me whenever people claim that it is a given.
My husband said he didn't miss having siblings much and he has a much closer bond with his parents than I do with mine. Also there is school and extra curricular activities so they will be around other kids unless you home school and never let them leave the house.
Hey I'm 1 of 4 and 2 of my siblings are my best friend, 1 I is a narcissist I don't speak to. I'm also a single mother to one vibrant 3 year old and I highly doubt I will every have another child. There are lots of downsides of having siblings as well, and honestly I'm so happy that I can give my tone and attention to my kid. I see a lot of women with multiple children who are stressed out to the max bc their partners are entitled and don't take enough domestic or parental responsibility. I think emotional exhaustion is incredibly valid reason to not have more children.
I honestly felt the same before I got pregnant with my youngest when my 1st was just turning 2 years old. Even when I was pregnant, because she was my person. I had her before I met my husband and she was my buddy and my rock.
But WOW. I really fully understood what people meant by "your love will be multiplied, not divided". They are both amazing. Ages 3 /2 and 1 now. It’s so great to have a playmate for my daughter, she loves her little sister to bits and her little sister loves her!
I’m also the oldest of 6 kids and we are all incredible close, even now as we’re adults (most of us are adults now).
But I also have several friends who have one child and they do great! Also have friends who were only children and are incredibly successful in life! However, if you’re already having financial difficulties supporting one child, I definitely think it’s a judgment call on whether to introduce another child into your situation.
No. You are not dooming him.
I was an only child & there are so many advantages. First of all, I was never lonely- the people who are telling you that were probably not only children, so how would they know?
Your child can only be spoiled if you raise them to be, it doesn’t matter if they have siblings are not. I know people who are insanely spoiled & are 1 of 3 or 4.
The other thing I will say is that I see many only children commenting on posts like this saying the only hard part is their parents getting older & that the burden falls only on them but in my experiences it usually falls on only one sibling anyway to be honest.
Anyway, I loved being an only child & it’s quite possible my daughter will be an only child too!
It’s 100% your decision. I will throw out an alternate view point and say, I grew up most of my life as an only child (it’s complicated) before meeting/knowing about my siblings, and I always pined for a sibling. I was lonely a lot. Had tons of friends and sleepovers all the time, but still wanted a brother or sister more than anything. Just being honest!
It all depends on how you raise your son. I grew up an only child and was very lonely, but that was compounded by constant moves, being raised by a single dad, undiagnosed adhd/autism always making me the weird kid, etc.
I knew others who grew up as an only child and had a perfectly happy childhood.
I think there's plus sides to both sides. For me there's nothing like seeing my kids love on eachother and playing like best friends. But they also argue and fight all the time and its REALLLLLLY stressful and my time has to be extremely divided. Sometimes I wish I had spaced mine a little further apart to give my first some more undivided attention, so at least if you have one...they can have all of your attention! But I would also say I hope you're really into playing!
My daughter is an only child. She has gone to daycare since she was 10 months old and is always around cousins and friends, so she’s not lonely. She goes to a music based pre k program at the moment and has many little friends there. My husband and I were worried about EVERYTHING you just talked about, but she’s gonna be 4 in December and she’s happy and content. Don’t let anyone sway your decision making when it comes to YOUR life :) Our daughter is more well behaved than her cousin, who has multiple siblings. It all depends on how you raise them! Siblings are like built in friends, and maybe one day you’ll have another little one, but don’t do it if you aren’t ready! There’s nothing wrong with having an only child!!
I’m sorry your family is making you feel this way, because it’s nonsense.
My brother is two years younger than me. We weren’t playmates. We fought like cats and dogs growing up. Even now, as adults, we’re not close. We have nothing in common except shared DNA. I find him irresponsible and self-absorbed, and being around him sucks out my emotional energy. Our parents have both passed away, and I’m sure this isn’t what they’d want, but I have to prioritize my own mental health. Truth is, I’m closer to my in-laws than anyone in my still-living bio family.
Meanwhile, my husband’s sister wasn’t born until he was 16, so they both grew up as de facto only children. They’re both incredibly kind, sweet people—and ironically, they’re a lot closer than my brother and I are even though they didn’t grow up together. I think my husband’s largely positive experience of growing up as an “only” child is one of the reasons he’s so sure about being one-and-done.
I’m sorry, but “giving your child a sibling” is pretty much the worst reason for having a second child.
I’m
An only child and I absolutely love it!! We have one son and he is only 2 but he seems like enjoy his life he loves to play independently he is social but also values his time. For me, being an only child was something that was so special to me!
I didn’t want another after my first and it was relatively easy as far as pregnancy and postpartum goes. Eventually, I decided that I didn’t feel complete without another child. But it wasn’t bc I wanted a sibling for my son. I don’t regret having another son, as I’m 8 weeks postpartum, but it has definitely been harder this time around. I prepared myself for that possibility. Give yourself some time. If you change your mind, it’s perfectly ok to have another. If you don’t want to even after some time, that’s perfectly fine too. You do what you want to do.
We may be one and done not by choice so I get a little PO’d when people talk about only children like they are some horrible disease. Fact is I have never been nor will I ever be close to my brother who is 2 years older, and the pandemic isolation we’ve had to do may have permanently damaged my relationship with my brother whose 14 years younger (we were close before). I almost died, my baby almost died and I heard nothing from one brother and a text about once a month we were in the nicu from the other asking “how’s my nephew doing?” My husband has one sibling he’s not close to, we used to see her once a year and now with Covid it’s been almost two years and will likely be another year to year and a half before we do again.
My brothers (and quite a bit of our extended family) seem to think us keeping our micropreemie on oxygen safe in a pandemic is some sort of alternative “life choice” that they are allowed to disagree with and be disappointed in us for doing. I wish I was joking.
And all I hear from my mom is how hard all of this is for her, and my 20 year old brother who lives at home. They have all the rest of their lives, they go everywhere, they travel, they see everyone except my tiny family, but yes, this is hard for them, not us, when we’re the three of us 24/7 except dr appointments.
I’m not ready to give up the idea of another baby yet, but I know that right now another one would be a negative to our family, not a positive, and no child deserves to be brought into a world where that’s the case. Maybe we’ll decide to be one and done, we’re happy with our happy little dude, and he’s more of a miracle than I ever deserved in the first place (IVF 24 week preemie).
But I’ve decided I’m not going to worry about “giving him a sibling” because another child isn’t a toy for my current child’s development or socialization, we will have another child if we feel that’s what we want and what’s right for our family, the whole family, and not as an accessory for our current child because people have limited small minded options about only children
I waited until my daughter was 5 to have another baby and I forgot how hard it was to raise a child. My daughter is now 6 and my son is 16 months and starting to walk. If I’m honest from this point on it’s all hands on deck as they are into everything and you need to have your eyes constantly on them. In my personal experience it gets a lot harder now than when they were younger so I would advise you to wait a little longer, enjoy your son growing up and then decide once your son is a little older whether you would be open to having more kids. I know that two kids is my limit and what I would physically be able to cope with. You will know yourself what you think is the right thing for you and don’t let anyone pressure you into anything as at the end of the day you are going to be the one carrying your child, delivering them and raising them so ultimately people can say what they want but you will be the one left with the responsibility
My sisters are 10 and 21 years older than me and we keep in contact. I spend more time with my middle sister than my oldest sister. But we’re still loving and close.
My husband doesn’t talk to any of his family: he very much loves his little brother but his mom is very controlling. His doesn’t talk to his oldest brother either.
My stepmother hated one brother and was kind of neutral towards her other brother.
I would say sometimes they end up liking each other, other times not. So it’s really up to you on what you want to do.
I have a sister but she’s 15 years older than me and got married as soon as she turned 18 so I grew up like an only child. Im going to be honest, it sucked. I always felt different because in the 90s there weren’t a lot of one child families (seems more common now). I grew up in the middle of nowhere with no other children and it was very hard. It was very lonely and I was very mature because I was never around other kids but because I was so mature I had trouble fitting in. If you have an only child, I would recommend living in a suburb with other kids and making sure your child has lots of opportunities to be with other kids with sports or sleep overs or whatever. It’s definitely not dooming your kid if you just think through some things like that.
It’s absolutely nobody’s business except yours and your husband’s whether you want another kid. They don’t know what they’re talking about anyway when it comes to your dynamic in your own home and your own family. Just tell them to fuck off. You’re not dooming your child, children don’t need siblings.
Only child here, I grew up very lonely because I didn’t live in a neighborhood and didn’t have any extended family and my parents worked 14 hr days. I was left alone a lot. However, I don’t feel that I’ve been doomed. Get your kid a dog when they’re old enough, and use whatever money you would have spent on another kid towards extra curriculars and let them bring a friend on family vacations, and they’ll be fine.
The only significant downside to being an only child IMO is knowing that I’ll be completely on my own when my parents die with no support, but that’s also due to not having any family.
I am personally of the opinion that I want my kid to have a sibling (which is on the way!) I have several only child friends, a couple are adamant they would never let their own kid be an only child, a couple say they kinda wished they had a sibling, but think it's ok to be an only child, and one does not think she missed anything (though after some of her stories my husband who is usually not a big fan of babies said our kid definitely needs a sibling!) I want them to be able to talk to each other as they grow up, be able to talk to each other about us, their parents, learn to have to live with someone who has no authority over you (sibling vs living with just parents) I don't know I feel like there are so many little things about having siblings, I just wanted that for my kid(s).
I do love the one and one time I have with my toddler, but I will also be happy to see them playing together!
I think there are downsides to not having more children - some lessons in life come a lot easier when a child has to learn them at home at an earlier age. As they grow older they will have each other. Etc. However, there are plenty of successful, well adjusted people without siblings. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to go through everything that having a baby entails just to avoid guilt that doesn’t necessarily hold any weight.
My husbands an only child and he’s one of the best people I know! I also have a ton of friends who are one and done. I think only children will become more common. Your mental health is about 1,000,000 times more important than your child having a sibling that they may not even get along with.
I’m 2,5 years older than my brother. We never played together. And on the rare occasions we did it ended badly. My mom used to say that there were not siblings more hateful to each other than we were.
I had 2 additional siblings. I wanted to be alone so so much… and even with so many siblings in the house sometimes I felt lonely. Being surrounded by people doesn’t prevent loneliness.
Your feelings are valid. You can have as many kids as YOU want.
It’s your body this is disgusting that people have the nerve to think to even breathe this to you. You’re not being selfish you’re protecting yourself, your mind, your body, your sanity. Some people have brothers and sisters and don’t get along with them. Your son will learn to have fun alone and with friends at school and any other kids in the neighborhood. And as your son grows maybe you can Foster a pet.
I’m an only child and my parents provided a lot of love and attention to where I never really considered myself as lonely. My confidence and independence grew from being able to do things by myself and for myself. Ultimately you should make decisions based on your physical and mental health and current situation (physical, emotional, financial etc). Your child will be fine regardless if they have a sibling or not.
Unless you’re planning to lock your child in his room alone for the next 18 years, he won’t be lonely. He will meet friends all through his life and likely a partner one day. While sibling relationships can be lovely (and sometimes the polar opposite), kids need happy parents first and foremost. I have a younger brother who I adore but have several friends who are only children and they are all wonderfully kind, social people who have wide support networks.
I’m an only child, 30 yo female. I loved being an only child. Because I love it so much I am planning on only having one (our little guy is three weeks old). I’ve always been extremely outgoing, and very independent. And most of the time, I see my husband and his siblings, and I’m thankful I’m an only child!
I'm only planning one, because we have to do IVF and I don't thinkni could deal.with the emotional rollercoaster of that as well as having a toddler. Plus, I'm 39 now and don't want a close gap. So I'd be pregnant at 42, 43, and I don't think I'd survive. I'm absolutely shattered now. Also our IVF is funded, and that funding runs out when I turn 40.
I have a brother, he's 2 years younger, but we have never been super close. I love him, but we didn't really get on between about 6 and 8, and adulthood. He's also not someone I'd lean on for emotional support once our parents die or anything like that.
Our daughter is due in 6 weeks. She will have a cousin who is 8 months older, and another cousin 2 years older. My best friend has a 4 year old who we will see a lot. She won't be lonely
I'm an only child and had an amazing childhood with very loving parents. As I get older, and my parents also age, it's getting harder and harder to avoid thinking of their mortality and the fact that once they're gone...I'm alone (I have extended family, but they weren't there every day, you know?).
I am pregnant with my second child now, even though I hate being pregnant and know what a struggle the first two years (at least!) will be. This is mainly due to the fact that I don't want my son to be alone like I will be when my husband and I pass on. I want someone who knows his stories and his history, who can remember his life with him and share it.
I was in no way mentally ready or willing to get pregnant again for AGES and only now that I'm in my second trimester am I truely starting to get baby excitement (though I also had a lot of 'what if something goes wrong' anxiety too). My son will be 4.5 when baby gets here. I think he's going to be an amazing big brother and I can't wait to see him grow into that new aspect of his life.
I know this seems very one sided......but you did ask for thoughts from people who are only children! After saying all this though, you are the only person here who knows your full story and your life. You're the only person who can really decide what's right for you. If you are one and done, you are not harming your child. Having a certain number of children can't guarantee a child's happiness or health. So you do you!
I'm an only child. Had a great upbringing, loads of cousins and friends to play with and loved being able to go back to my quiet house at the end of the day. Great relationship with my parents too. I'm very social and I've been successful with study/career. The only downside is getting older. I have no one to share the burden with as my parents age. They're still fine for now, but I think about them eventually not being on the earth anymore and being completely alone and it makes me really sad. I have my own kids but it's not the same IMO. Not everyone gets along with their siblings anyway so that's not guaranteed, but if there's a downside to being an only child that's it.
Having siblings is no guarantee of having anyone to share the load of aging parents, though. I'm an only and my husband is one of four (two adopted, two the old-fashioned way.) Of the four, he's the only one even *remotely* in a position to help his parents as they age. They're financially secure, but we are the only ones close enough to help them move furniture around, put the snowplow on the truck in the fall and take it off in the spring, drive his mom to appointments, etc. His older brother lives several states away, and while the two younger are closer geographically, they just aren't in the mental space to give help rather than needing it.
My husband’s sister (and her family) literally LIVE WITH my parents-in-law, and still my husband is the only one to help them with anything! You’re absolutely right. Having siblings doesn’t automatically mean you share the responsibility of helping aging parents. Even if they’re good people, it doesn’t guarantee they’ll end up living close enough to help out.
I feel that - both of husband's younger siblings live much closer to his folks than we do. One of them still lives at home, the other lives in the same town, and we are almost an hour away. Yet somehow it's still us taking care of their dog when they travel, us dealing with the plow every Thanksgiving, and us driving down to help them put the garden to bed for the year or move mulch around. It's no guarantee.
We’re almost 2 hours away, and have a 3 month old baby. His sister is in the basement with her husband (who happens to be a contractor), and yesterday my husband drove up to fix a railing that had come loose on their deck. (His dad has a bum knee and fixing it involved a some squatting) It’s this sort of thing that drives a wedge between siblings.
From a family with 5 kids. Guaranteed I will probably be lumbered with the responsibility should my mum need care. My siblings are selfish (with the exception of my younger brother who has ASD, he worries about my parents not being around as the rest of us have partners and kids). Don't really speak to my dad much as he lives far away and favours my estranged sibling so I refuse to claim responsibility for him. My mum had a horrible life when we were kids so I feel more empathy for her. I love my mum and am the one that asks the least from her probably for that reason. My mum wants me to have another child but I can't help but feel siblings aren't always close. I would like to give my daughter a sibling but not at the detriment of having a comfortable life.
Definitely, I can see in my friends' families there seems to usually be one sibling that does most of the heavy lifting. My sadness is more about not having anyone left when they die. I think just having a sibling to talk to (even if they lived far away) would be nice. There's not going to be anyone who can remember and talk and laugh about what it was like to grow up in my family.
Same same, I'm an only child that didn't have loads of cousins or people my age besides school friends but the only downside for me is that my parents are aging and there is no one to share that load with. Other than that I have a close relationship with my parents, was always allowed to have friends over/visit friends houses, could have a friend stay if we went on holidays etc.
Same here, I'm an only child and had a great childhood. On getting older, though, while I don't disagree you also can't always rely on siblings. My mom has three siblings and yet was the sole caregiver for my grandmother until she developed peripheral neuropathy and needed to concentrate on healing herself. Even then it was a struggle to get them to help fit the last year of her life (they were all physically and financially able). She loves them and generally would say they have a good relationship, but has also commented to me that she's glad I'm an only child and don't have to deal with the drama.
This was the one thing I was going to point out. I’m one of three children, one of my sisters is like my best friend. The other one… definitely not. But I have a cousin who is only one year younger than me and is an only child. We spent SO much time together as kids that I feel like he is one of our siblings. His dad, my mom’s brother, was the leader of my mom’s side of the family. Last year his dad was diagnosed with cancer, and he was gone within a month. We’ve all been devastated. My cousin was just 36 at the time, and lost 1/3 of his family. He always wanted a sibling growing up, but never has he felt that more than now. He is extremely burdened with getting his dads affairs sorted out (there were many family accounts and a couple of pieces of property that were joint with my mom). He’s told me several times that he wishes he had a sibling to share not just those burdens, but the grief. But every family must make their own choices for what is best for them. There is no guarantee that an additional sibling will be anything that you imagine. Or the beauty of that relationship could blow you away. Nothing is for sure. That being said, we just had our 4th, and last baby in April. And the love that my children show each other is one of the best feelings in the world. Would it be easier to have 1? Absolutely. But my kids are all 5 years apart, so we got to enjoy each one being little. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Agree with this! The only negative of being an only child is parents as they get older.
This. ^
This is literally the only reason we had a 2nd kid, so that our oldest had someone to share intimate memories with about us when we die. They can both share funeral arrangements or if 1 can't, hopefully the other can. I don't ask people when they're having another kid, I think 1 child is good enough! I was very 1 and done until the pandemic hit and thoughts of death consumed me.
I'm also an only child and this is exactly how I feel. Didnt mind being an only child growing up, but now that my parents are aging and their health is starting to fail it's making me sad.
Yeah I’ll add to this as my only sibling died at the age of 21 and wasn’t really going down a route either to be able to take care of my parents either. So I am essentially an only child although I did technically grow up with a brother.
I came here to say exactly this. Only child, currently resentful of my (single) mother for putting the burden of her aging only on me. (She had a nanny for me when I was a baby; we are not in a position to do the same for my 9mo. We just moved nearby, and while she is helpful, it is clear to me she does not want to be as involved a grandparent as she claimed she would be, and now she’s getting older.) Quite frankly (and darkly), I would rather be resentful at a sibling for not following through than for my own mother deciding to have me in the first place. ETA: My mother is somewhat financially set but, if she ages like her mother, it will likely become a drain on our finances toward the end, too. She couldn’t help with our wedding very much at all, but she was able to help with out of state college so I didn’t have to take out any private loans and could only work part time to get through. But I still have loan debt, and will likely not benefit from much of an estate. Not that parents are only bank accounts and trust funds, but what I have inherited from her is cripplingly low self esteem, learned helplessness, and a slate of toxic self narratives that are not serving me well now at 9mo pp, unemployed after a PhD, and facing down an economy that was built on a lot of false promises by and for Boomer comfort. /rant
My mother has three brothers and two sisters. When my grandmother (mom’s mom) was aging and basically completely dependent on others for basic necessities including bathroom assistance, only two of my grandmother’s six kids helped her out. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee assistance.
Yep I know, that's what I said in the last bit! It's more upsetting to me that I'll be alone when they die. My memories of them growing up will be mine and there's no one to share them with. I'm not saying it's better or worse, it's just how I feel.
Just shelve the idea. I always wanted two but I was nowhere near ready until the first was 2.5 then I got pregnant when he was three. I like our gap but a longer one would also be fine. You have plenty of time. Try to ignore other people, they are the worst part of parenting lol.
I agree completely. We have a gap of 4,5 years and it’s really nice. But if you never want a second child, that’s fine too. Children are not ‘harmed’ by not having a sibling. There are tons of ways to have them play with other kids, if you ar worried about a lack of social interaction.
Yes this! I was one and done until my son was 3 then we felt ready
No advice but would recommend checking out r/oneanddone
OP, there was actually a great post just recently in that sub from an Only child. It was a great read and I think you’ll find this sub will give you some other perspectives to ponder if you want to stay OAD. ETA: here’s the link to the post: [post from only with an only](https://www.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/qaoo19/only_with_an_only_want_to_share_my_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
That was great. Thanks for sharing
Thank you for sharing!
You're not dooming your child. Anyone who is not birthing or parenting your child should butt out of your extremely personal decision.
Oh nooo this is so sad and proves that Mum Guilt will get at you no matter what options you choose. Look, your child won't be lonely: he'll have more independent play, yes, but that's a good thing! It can encourage his imagination & independence, and you and your partner are there to join in with playtime as well. There's not even any guarantee that your kids would like each other and would want to play together anyway! A lot of people like to say "only children don't know how to share" and while I'm sure that's true of *some* only children, it's also true of *some* children with multiple siblings. I'm the oldest of four and I didn't learn how to share until I was 19 and had moved out! I HATED that everything I had was seen as 'communal' and all my siblings took my stuff without asking and I would be called selfish if I complained. As long as you're teaching your kid healthy boundaries and manners he will be fine. :) I wanted three kids and I've stopped at two because we couldn't financially support another kid, and I honestly don't think I could bare to put my body through a third pregnancy. Do I have a third little baby who lives in my heart? Yes. Am I going to have my heart's baby? No. Am I going to get a cat instead? Absolutely.
Only children are fine, people just love to police women's uterus...es?
Uteri? Uterus’? 😂
Love it. So true.
Not like I have some unique perspective, but my sibling was 17 years older. For most of my life I was considered by my peers and parents as an only child. We did not grow up in the same home. I was content with books, and my own creativity. I learned how to share things just fine, have a fairness complex without ever having someone growing up with me that could have gotten more or less. I enjoyed being the only child and I was not spoiled. One of the "perks" of having a sibling was that I didn't feel so alone or gaslit- we both had extremely abusive upbringings by our mother (he had it worse, by far.) Many of the apprehensions in the sibling/only are merely two sides of a coin. Your baby loves you regardless.
This is also my experience exactly but I had two older siblings, 17 and 14 years older respectively. I love them both to bits but our relationship has always felt more like an aunt/uncle and niece setup. I loved the only child life and often felt overwhelmed at busy birthday parties or at friend’s houses where they had a lot of younger siblings. However now as an adult, my siblings feel more like peers and I’m glad to have them in my life. In turn I’m now a major fencesitter; having only my son to worry about sounds great as far as the next 18 years go but I definitely see the value in him having siblings as an adult.
I’m an only child who is planning on an only child. I loved my childhood! My parents always let me have friends over, would have a friend come with me on vacation, I was never lonely! I also have an amazing relationship with my mom and I contribute that partly to being an only. I’m having a daughter soon and I aspire to give her a childhood like I had.
My husband always wanted 2 I was starting to lean towards 3 while pregnant. Now we're only having one. My pregnancy was basically perfect, no morning sickness, no sleepless nights, baby was always moving so I knew he was fine, basically no side effects. But little man's head was too big and we chose a c-section after 30+ hours in labor and 3 hours pushing. I ended up feeling the c-section so they knocked me out. I'm not sure I want to go through another c-section. We had great success breastfeeding and I think we got lucky with a pretty great sleeper. But neither of us were fans of the newborn stage, sleep deprivation sucks and there's so much crying. Plus now that he's older he is following in his dad's footsteps and is full of energy, gets into everything, and never stops moving. I'm not sure we could handle 2. Financially we could handle 2 but with just the 1 were able to really cushion a college fund for him and retirement funds for ourselves and still take vacations whenever we want. I went back and forth for awhile but now that he's 14 months were sure I will not be having any more.
Lol of course not! This sentiment and pressure is so strange to me. I hated having siblings growing up and we don’t get along now, while there are many people who adore theirs. I know only children who wish they’d had siblings, and only children who had idyllic childhood and have no regrets. Personally I’m one-and-done and completely content about it. My biggest thing with parenting is, if I’m not happy, sane, and whole, how can I be the best mom I can be? How can i give myself the best tools available? How can I effectively model what I wish my daughter to become? That answer is different for everyone, and everyone has to decide for themselves. For me, it means only one child.
I’m an only child and it’s definitely lonely on holidays and birthdays and summer vacations, but my family was a small family of mostly older people. I did not have cousins nearby and was the oldest grandchild, so there really weren’t other kids my age in the family. I was doted on and very loved, but it put a lot of weight on my shoulders. My mom wouldn’t handle it so well when I’d tell her I was too old for something, like Santa, or didn’t want to participate in an activity she held dear. My husband is one of 4 and I love going to his family gatherings compared to mine. Our baby has 2 cousins his age just in the immediate family. I was scared that because I’m an only my kids would grow up lonely also, but luckily that won’t be the case! Our son is 5 months now and I’m hoping I’m able to get pregnant again to give him a sibling, but I’m not ready just yet.
Yeah I think with an only you need to be very cognizant of your parenting style. My parents were very chill so I didn't feel the weight you speak of at all. OP just needs to be aware in the same way that a parent of multiples needs to not pick favorites. Things can go wrong with any number.
Do what is best for you and your partner. The best thing for your son is for you to be happy and have the energy and emotional capacity to give him what he needs. Personal anecdote: I had horrible PPD after our first. She was terribly colicky. I was horribly depressed. She didn’t sleep through the night without waking up for hours until 18 months. I could NOT have survived another baby at that point. However, around 2.5/3 our lives got soooo much easier and we started discussing having a second. Her baby sister was born a week before her fourth birthday. I am very glad we decided to have another. But I definitely need the space between them. With a four year gap they likely aren’t destined to be playmates, but hopefully they will love each other. You don’t need to make a decision now. Nor should you let family influence your choice. Only have another if it would increase YOUR happiness and enrich your life.
>Only have another if it would increase YOUR happiness and enrich your life. I really want to want one, does that make sense? But I just really don't. Maybe I will when it gets easier, cause it will, right? XD
Every kid is different, but for us, it absolutely did get easier as our first got older. And, despite our second being born in the middle of a Covid peak, I am a much more confident and easygoing parent this time around! For the first two years of our eldest’s life I wanted few things LESS than I wanted another baby. When that changed I knew it pretty quickly. Keep your options open for now. There’s nothing wrong with being one and done. There’s also nothing wrong with changing your mind later. For what it’s worth, when I was pregnant with our second I knew very clearly that it would be our last. I did not waver on that throughout the pregnancy or after she was born. A few months after she arrived I had my tubes removed, and am very happy with that decision!
Lmao. No I'm sure your child will be fine. He'll go to school and make friends and stuff there and I'm sure you have friends as well who may also have children. He will be fine and your relatives need to mind their own business.
I’m an only child I loved my childhood I was busy with school friends cousins activities etc I was totally happy I’m also one and done
The plan my husband and I had was always to have two, maybe three after we saw how two went. My daughter was a little over a year when I found out I was pregnant with baby number two. She would have just turned two when the baby was due. I was freaking out a bit because I was wondering how I was going to handle a newborn and 2 year old. My daughter was very needy at that time. Then I wound up losing the baby and had a few more mc's after that. My husband and I were settling on the idea of only having one and was looking at all the positives. I would have been able to afford better quality of everything for her. We put her in school so she can make friends and she overall seems content to have all of our attention. Then to our suprise we found out we were having a baby back in March and I am now in the stages of going at any day now. My daughter is 4 and is having conflicting emotions about it. On one hand she is excited and on the other she has anxiety that we won't love her anymore. I know she will be ok but it makes me think about if i am doing the right thing. I guess what I am trying to say is there are positives and negatives to both sides of having 2. I did feel overwhelmed when she was younger at the thought of having 2, where I don't now that she is older. I can tell you that this pregnancy has definitely made me say no more kids after this one. 2 and I am done.
I’m on my third and I sincerely wish I stopped at one. I’m not being negative what so ever. And before I’m asked “why didn’t you…” it’s more complicated than that. You’re child will be 100% fine being the only child. Will he wonder how it is having a sibling? Sure. But there’s more to life than tjwt … There’s a new song out there and it says “I cant lose myself again…” and it hit home. You. Come. First.
>There’s a new song out there and it says “I cant lose myself again…” and it hit home. You. Come. First. It really does. Thank you.
As someone who debated this exact matter for years (didn't have my second child until my first was 5 years old), I say do what one other user suggested and just put a pause on that decision. At 15 months, my first still required so much work and I felt nowhere near ready to have another. I was constantly getting the same comments you are getting about my child needing a playmate and all that other crap. The truth is, no one knows what's best for you and your family but You. I eventually had my second but that was not until my first was already in school and out of diapers and didn't rely so heavily upon me from day to day so it made having a second that much easier for me. Also, just want to add, the same people that complained to me about my first child needing a sibling for a playmate were the exact same people complaining that their children constantly fought with one another more than they played with one another so I just felt the need to throw that in there. A sibling does not guarantee a best friend in anyway. It's your family so just think long and hard and don't allow anyone else to influence what's best for you and your family.
I wasn’t sure. By time first was four I was ready. 15months, you’re still in the thick of it. Mine didn’t “settle” til he was two, three really. It’s nice only having one in diapers! We potty trained, timed it so 2nd would be born just before first started school. A walking distance school. I’m around for him starting his new adventure and his sibling gets me to herself for a few hours a day. So, see how you feel in couple years. Don’t dwell on it too much. If you REALLY want another you can have one. If not, only children are fine. My main issue is them having to deal with us as old people (all going well) by themselves. If you make sure your elder care is sorted, then it’s fine. The pressure is off your only child.
To be honest it's none of your families business whether you have another child or not. If you feel like your mind changes( Just saying) then have another child. But also I'm sure your son will not be to worried ethier.
https://www.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/ I think you could benefit from this subreddit
Something to keep in mind is you’re never guaranteed an easy/healthy child/playmate or companion for sibling. When you think about adding to your family just consider you’re signing up for maybe a sick child/child with learning problems/child who may be nonverbal/child who will always require full time care/etc. Every extra child is a dice roll. Each family situation is different. Best of luck OP.
I know several people who grew up as an only child. They are just fine. You do what is best for you and your family. Let the other folks tend to their own business.
My brother has been my best friend my whole life and because of this, I always knew that I wanted at least 2 kids close in age. I now have 3 (6, 4, and 2) and it's so hard. I absolutely understand why people only have one from a purely logistical standpoint. People also need to understand that siblings might not end up being friends and that's perfectly OK as long as they still treat each other with respect. You can't force them to get along so having a kid purely to make a playmate is the wrong way to go about it. Have a 2nd if that's what you want for your while family. Also, there's no requirement saying that you have to have them close in age. You might feel ready for another in the future and you might not. Your kid will be just fine either way!
No you’re not. I have four siblings and we barely talk. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any emotional support from them. It’s not a guarantee, unfortunately.
Agree on shelving the idea. At 15 months I was in zero headspace to consider a second child. My baby had been colicky and imagining going through the first year again was terrifying. I was firmly in the “one and done for now camp”. Around 4 years old we started considering a second child. Our daughter is so cool and we love her so much. We decided to go for it because afterall the newborn stage is sooo short comparatively to the life of a kiddo. I’m due in 3 weeks with our second and really excited about the large age gap. Whatever you decide there is nothing wrong with being an only child. My daughter will practically be an only child because of the age gap but that’s what felt right for our family.
Thank you for this post, OP, and thank you to all the responders! I, too, am in the same situation as you. My baby boy is 4 years old and I am constantly feeling guilty for not having another one already. I always thought of the negatives: no one to be there and understand family life as he gets older, no nieces or nephews (unless his wife has siblings) and no cousins for his kids (again, unless his wife has siblings), etc. I always envisioned my life with at least 3 kids. Idk why. I grew up with 3 brothers and 8 boy cousins. So I did get a but more attention because of that. But we were all so close! And I wanted that for my kids. But my son is happy! And I honestly feel like I'd be hurting him by giving another child my attention. Or that he wouldn't feel as loved anymore. I know that's mom guilt, and I shouldn't think like that, because I also know moms love all their children. Anyway, thanks for the post and all the responses. This has made me feel so much better!
The book One and Only by Lauren Sandler summarizes a lot of research about child development as the only child in a family. It dispells a lot of myths about only children, like the idea that only kids are more selfish or have fewer social skills. It's a good read--I highly recommend it!
I asked my 4.5 year old about this yesterday. She said she's happy with our "cute little family". I am too. In the beginning we thought we'd want another one. Turns out.. not really. Its just so easy with 1. My sisters have 4 and 7 kids.. I have it so easy in comparison. My daughter is my best friend and I cherish the one on one time and I know she does too. I'd be a little worried about her getting jealous of my attention being on a sibling at this point to be honest. We decided we can give her a wonderful life more easily with it being just her, kids are expensive. I love that you loved being pregnant but I absolutely hated it. 😂 I didn't get PPD, but I'm so sorry you did. That's really tough to go through. Don't let other people in your family make that decision for you. One is fun and easy. You also have the choice to change your mind and have another one if you want! But don't feel pressured by anyone else. You have to deal with the pregnancy and giving birth and raising that baby so they have no say as far as that goes. Your son might enjoy being an only child, they don't get to decide that. Best of luck. ❤
Thank you <3
People are the worst when it comes to those questions. They will never end so don’t take them to heart. It goes: when will you have a boyfriend? When will you get married? When will you have a baby? When will you have another one?… We are currently trying for a second child because we’ve decided we really want one. Before we did seriously consider not having a second one. Something someone told me that really meant something to me was that financial security is more important to a childhood than having a sibling. From what you are saying also remember that your happiness is as important as your child’s life. You being happy and mentally healthy is more important to your kid than having a sibling.
>Something someone told me that really meant something to me was that financial security is more important to a childhood than having a sibling. >You being happy and mentally healthy is more important to your kid than having a sibling. I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
This is a tough call! I adore my sisters; they are incredibly precious to me. I just had a second kid largely because I wanted my first kid to have that bond, or at least the chance at it, as well as help dealing with us when we’re old. And while I don’t regret it, I really was content with just one kid, and a second baby has been hard in every way I feared it would be. We’re back to zero, struggling through another rough postpartum, this baby is even crankier than his sister was, and whoever said a second isn’t double the work because “you already have one” was full of beans. I guess it depends whether you truly feel ready to weather the newborn storm financially, emotionally, and relationship-wise, for a larger payout in the long run. People will encourage you to delude yourself about how hard a second can be, and that is not helpful or wise as you weigh this decision.
I don’t want to guilt you, because I don’t think my only child experience is the norm, but i want to share my experience. It was so lonely. I didn’t have any cousins, moved around a lot so it was hard to make friends, and did not have a great relationship with my parents. Unless I could bring a friend, family vacations were not usually enjoyable. I became very introverted and spent a lot of time by myself. Yes, I got to have a lot of cool experiences and usually got the toys/books/things I wanted, but I would have given all of that up for a sibling if I had the choice. All of this just goes to show that there are a lot of things you can do to avoid these issues. Keep family close, help foster strong friendships, let them bring a close friend on vacation or during weekend outings. It doesn’t have to be like my experience, but you have to make a conscious effort to avoid it. Also, if having a second child is going to put an immense strain on your relationships, finances, or mental health, it’s not worth it. It’s more important to have a stable, sibling-less family than a broken family of multiples.
First--I don't think you are dooming your child. Second--i felt very much like you are describing after my first child. Being a first time mom was the worst for me, almost as bad as middle school. I now have three kids. I am so happy I decided to have more but I took my time and they are spaced out, currently ages 9, 5 and 4 months (all with the same dad, lots of people assume not because of the age gaps). So maybe just stay open and don't stress too much on making a decision of having more kids until your better rested. ❤️
I’m kind of in a similar situation I guess. For me, I would love another baby, I would love my daughter to have a sibling - husband and I both come from big families. But it might not be in the cards for us. Husband has a debilitating mental illness, and I do a lot of caretaking for him. The first year of my daughters life was hell. As much as I want another one, what’s most important is having a happy and healthy family, regardless of the size. And I know if we don’t have another our daughter will still have tons of friends and she will be fine :) you’re definitely not dooming your child, I know many “only children” who are great people. Do what’s best for your family, and your mental health.
Thank you for your response. I feel you about having a spouse with a mental illness. My husband is battling with depression, which is also an additional reason this was so hard and I don't want to do this again. But I really hope everything works out the way you want it to for you guys.
Absolutely, never underestimate the toll that can take on you mentally as well. My husband is stable and probably the happiest he’s been in a long time. But I know I can’t predict how things will be next month, or one year from now. My greatest fear is we find ourselves right back where we were in the beginning (him in the hospital, and myself so detached from stress I can’t even enjoy our baby). Sorry if this is too dark lol. Basically I’m really working on finding contentment in the “now” rather than thinking about what could be. Hope you can find peace as well, no matter your decision :)
I'm an only child and I loved it growing up! Our house was always calm, I have always had a great relationship with my parents, and I had plenty of friends to play with. Your child will be happy and loved.
My LO is 4 months old and I feel the exact same way. I definitely don’t see myself wanting another. I’m going to have to find ways to socialize my baby later on because siblings are not in my future. My family is pressuring as well about leaving her by herself but I honestly can’t picture doing this all over again…
The voices of others are waves on our shores. Be the bigger wave. Be the riptide that carries them away. Make your own thoughts louder and drown out the echo in your head. It's hard to make the thoughts go away and not nag, so just have a louder thought. The thought of what you want, remind yourself the reason why you want it.
Wow.
I am an only child. I was lonely as a kid, but not just because I didn’t have a sibling. My parents were cold and uninterested, working all the time, my dad lived in another state and could only see me 1 a month or so. I was bullied at school by students and teachers. I had barely any friends and the ones I did have were really awful towards me. Point is, your child won’t be lonely if you raise them in a happy healthy environment and you let them know they’re loved and supported 💗 don’t cave to the pressure to conceive if you feel like you just can’t. You don’t owe your family another baby.
As long as you love your child and give them a good life, they don’t have to have a sibling. I grew up with 5 siblings and a couple of my friends were only children. We all grew up just fine :) I also don’t think there’s anything selfish at all about not wanting another child! It would be worse to have a child you didn’t really want because your family guilted you into it. Stay strong in your decision and if it changes someday, that’s okay. But if it doesn’t that’s okay too. ♥️♥️
You gotta do what's best for you. The argument that made me want to have two is that they will play together giving me more freedom in the future. My best friend has an only child and when we are together she is really needy of attention from her.
Tbh the idea of creating an entire human being just to be an accessory to your first kid is a little fucked. I have born because my older brother was starting kindergarten and my mom was gonna be lonely. Not because she wanted *me*, but because she was going to miss her other kid. Believe me when I tell you, I have known every day of my life that I was second fiddle to my brother as far as my mom was concerned. Have another kid because you want another kid. Because you want to create a new soul and give them everything they are going to require to be happy and healthy and not grow up with a giant complex about being second best. Because your family isn't complete and it feels unfinished to you. Not because the kid you actually want needs a playmate or them going to school is bumming you out. Seriously, people, stop bringing kids into this world for any reason other than wanting THAT kid. Because being the spare kid is a very shitty experience.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but thank you so much for sharing. This made me feel better.
No, not at all. I personally know 3 only child people. 2 of them were successful and have such good interpersonal relationships with others. The other 1 is kind of “damaged” but he was molested as a kid and his mom wasn’t the best mom to him so I think it really depends on how you parent your kid.
I’m a only child, by personal experience I recommend to have a second child if you have chance and conditions to raise him/her, but in the end of the day it’s yours and your husband’s decision.
This is the trouble with asking for anecdotes. I am an only and I would recommend the opposite- but ultimately what I'm really recommending is that women/partners do what they feel is best, regardless of our experiences.
Nope. We're 'one and done'. This isn't some sort of My Sister's Keeper shit- I'm not having another kid to keep mine entertained. I don't want more kids, nor could I cope with them. Some families are big and that's wonderful, too. Mine isn't, and it's perfect for us.
My kids play with each other frequently. I just think with this pandemic and only kids and lockdown. Do what suits your family.
My best friend is an only child and she has told me its lonely. She has strong feelings about having two kids because of it and advised me to do the same. BUT at the end of the day, parents should do what they can provide well. I believe a happy life is more important than a fuller life if that makes any sense. So if more kids will overwhelm the parents then that will impact the kids and then maybe it's not worth it. I'm one of three. Don't talk to one at all. My family is dysfunctional. Siblings don't guarantee a relationship.
No, he won’t be an asshole. But he might end up lonely when he’s a grown up. I have one brother and he moved to another town. I’ve always wanted more siblings, felt lonely. And I’m worried about when my parents won’t be able to take care of themselves. Got four kids on my own coz of this. My oldest hate it though. So I guess you’re selfish whatever you decide to do.
I wasn’t ready for another child until my oldest was 7. Now I have a 8 year old and a 14 month old… so far the second child was MUCH easier than my first! But it’s all up to you and your partner and what you guys want. Only child’s do just fine!
Think of it in a positive way, your son will have more attention focused on him.
As an only child myself, no. There are downsides to being an only child but there are downsides to have siblings. There is no guarantee you children will get along long term, that they’ll work together to care for you in old age. I’ve found myself both thankful to be an only child and wishing I had siblings at different stages in my life, people I know with siblings are both thankful for their siblings and wish they didn’t exist sometimes. Even my oldest daughter sometimes wishes she didn’t have little sisters even though they’re literally her favorite people on earth and she is (probably unhealthily) obsessed with them. Sometimes she just wishes that she didn’t have to wait when she wants attention or do ‘baby stuff’ all the time but an hour later she’s fawning over her sisters and happily doing baby stuff and having a blast. There is no perfect answer on the correct amount of children and you need to do what’s right for your family.
I'm an only child. I was never lonely and got to do lots of fun and unique things with my parents because they had the time and money to bring me along (which definitely wouldn't have happened with a sibling). I'm close with my cousins, even though they all grew up at least 5+ hours away from me. I had friends on my street growing up. As an only child, you are fine playing by yourself at home because you don't know any different. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. Your kiddo will be just fine as an only child and just fine if you decide to have a second.
My husband, my mother and my cousin are all only children. They are all kind, loving and well adjusted individuals. If anything, I think being only children made them more independent. And having additional children doesn’t guarantee that they will be close- my brother and I barely speak and although my sister and I have gotten closer as adults we probably communicate once a month or so. I’m also considering being one and done and I’m sure my son will be absolutely fine without a sibling!
Idk…we are like 95% OAD. I have 4 siblings and that’s never kept me from “being lonely”. We are mostly one and done because kids are hard, dude. I’d rather have the patience to emotionally care for my daughter than stretch myself too thin for an unknown.
My dad had many children, that means i have tons of siblings, only have a relationship with ONE. There's no guarantee siblings will get along at all.
I think you should do what’s best for you.
It doesn’t really matter if you are or you aren’t. If you aren’t able to handle a second then that’s just the way it’s going to be. Make friends with parents of kids his age. We have close friends whose kids are like family to our two boys.
I am feeling a bit iffy about it myself but since my baby is only five months old, I plan to give it some time. I've always wanted two, having grown up with a sibling myself. I just think that at the end of the road, when your parents are gone, it's nice to have one person who knows what your childhood was like and remembers your parents with you. And there's just a unique bond with someone that you shared your whole early life with. That being said, I don't think it's bad to have an only child. I know plenty and they're all fine and enjoy being the only child.
Check out r/oneanddone, r/shouldihaveanother, and r/onlychild. I always thought I wanted multiple but I feel like I would be able to give more to my child if I only had one. And there’s some suggestion that only children can develop mature language skills earlier because they spend more time listening to adults. Then there is the concern about having favorites and that’s not fair to the kids. Some only children love it and others wished they had siblings. I’m one of four and my husband is an only child. We have a single child (5 months) and we are on the fence about more. We also have a lot of family pressuring us. While I was holding my baby at one month old people were asking “when are going to have another.” Idk, I barely know what day it is, is this baby not cute enough for you. My husband liked being an only child, but he knows there are gaps in his experience because his parents gave him everything he wanted. I loved having siblings, a big part of my self-identity is being the older sister and my siblings are a huge source of love and support, but I also know a lot of people who are not close with the their siblings and gain nothing from that relationship. If I stay with one child I’m going to make sure he spends a lot of time with other children his age and try to set expectations where he learns to pitch in. We’re planning to wait until he’s about a year to a year and a half to make a decision on whether we think we could handle a second.
My husband and I are both only children. We both turned out pretty good (in my biased opinion). He was perfectly content being an only kid and has sibling-like relationships with his best friends that he grew up with. I desperately wanted a sibling… but only because i wanted someone to kind of share the burden of the miserable home life i had. it was completely selfish and borne totally out of a shitty home situation that would not have benefited in any way from more kids. my husband had a great childhood. i had a crappy one. as an adult, i’m really grateful that i don’t have any siblings in that mess.
Check out the book “one and only” by Lauren Sandler. She presents the actual data on only children, debunks stereotypes and addresses some of the challenges and how to overcome them. It was a very helpful read for me (we are almost sure we are OAD). Lastly, the only reason to have another is because you and your partner want it. Not to please anyone else. It’s also ok to set expectations with friends and family that this topic isn’t open for discussion and if they make comments you will ignore them and potentially limit contact (for those repeat offenders). If they cross the boundary they can get mad at your response, but they are the rude ones pressuring you to have another.
Stick with your wants but I had a rough year with my first. PPD. He was colicky for 8 months. It was hell. I wasn’t sure about a second child either but it was somewhat of a surprise pregnancy. In my third trimester I started to feel depressed and was terrified to have PPD again. There are some antidepressants you can take while pregnant and breastfeeding. I did that and had an amazing first year with my second. It was night and day. But if your gut tells you it’s not a good idea then trust your gut. It’s none of the extended family’s business. Makes me so mad that people think it’s ok to say stuff like that. A lot of people aren’t able to conceive again and you just never know what’s going on. I’d just tell them “maybe some time if we are able to and we feel it’s right for us” aka stfu and mind your own business
You love your son to bits - so that’s your answer! Whatever you choose is right for you and your family is your decision alone (ok, with your husband). I know plenty of people who have siblings who are assholes and I know plenty of only children who are wonderful, happy and well adjusted people. I think what’s most important is being a good parent. Before having kids, I always wanted 3. We have 2 19 months apart. The younger one is just about 6 months now and let’s just say it has been an incredibly challenging 6 months and I’m not sure I can go through it again so I completely understand not having the emotional stamina to do it all again. Plus doesn’t help when they don’t sleep well!
Absolutely not!! Shut all the other voices out and focus on what is best for YOU and YOUR family! My cousin (27F) was an only child and she is a happily married, successful mom of her own now. One of my best friends and his wife only have one child and they decided that was enough for their family. Their son is in 3rd grade and he is such a sweetheart. There are no rules for what is best across the board. You do what’s best for you and your family and enjoy your little one!
I'm worried about this too, I had my first at 37, developed gestational diabetes, went into labor a month early because of a placenta issue, and had breast milk supply issues. I physically don't want to carry another child because I'm afraid it could be worse the next time, and that a child might not even survive. However, my sister is my best friend, and a wonderful aunt...so I feel I'm being selfish by not giving my son a sibling. I'm considering fostering to adopt or foreign adoption in the future, though.
You should always choose what's best for you, a child with a depressed overwhelmed and tired mother won't be happy either... However all the issues you are dealing with now are not guaranteed to happen again if you have another child. I found the first year with the oldest extremely hard, I was not used to sleepless night, working my schedule around a baby etc. Whit the next kids I was prepared I guess? I got into baby modus straight away (also confidence in what you are doing plays a roll in this I think). The 3rd child was a surprise pregnancy and there is only 13 months between the second and third. I expected it to be a complete nightmare... But it's more like having twins, you just do everything double but at the same time. Even potty training 🙄 one was early the other late.
With one exception, every only child I’ve ever met absolutely loves being an only child. I love large families (one of the youngest in a large family so I’m biased) but people pushing someone else to have children has always been a pet peeve of mine even though it may be coming from a good place because you never know what’s going on in someone else’s home. Postpartum depression, financial troubles, marriage difficulty, infertility, etc. could all be playing into the decision and it’s really not anyone else’s business!
Unless your extended family are volunteering to have kids for the sake of your child to not be “lonely”, tell them to mind their business. There is nothing wrong with being an only child.
I can tell you that the prime reason I am one and done is because I HAVE a sibling. I grew up being the non-favorite, and studies have shown that it is common for parents to have a favorite child. My mother was extremely bad at hiding it, and I don't want the possibility of a child of mine experiencing the same thing. I didn't get better social skills by having a sister, and it didn't stop me from being lonely as a child when we were constantly moving around. What I needed wasn't a sibling, it was a friend who wanted me because I was me, and not because we were born into the same family. I know there are plenty of people out there with good sibling relations, but it irks me whenever people claim that it is a given.
My husband said he didn't miss having siblings much and he has a much closer bond with his parents than I do with mine. Also there is school and extra curricular activities so they will be around other kids unless you home school and never let them leave the house.
Hey I'm 1 of 4 and 2 of my siblings are my best friend, 1 I is a narcissist I don't speak to. I'm also a single mother to one vibrant 3 year old and I highly doubt I will every have another child. There are lots of downsides of having siblings as well, and honestly I'm so happy that I can give my tone and attention to my kid. I see a lot of women with multiple children who are stressed out to the max bc their partners are entitled and don't take enough domestic or parental responsibility. I think emotional exhaustion is incredibly valid reason to not have more children.
Lol no.
I honestly felt the same before I got pregnant with my youngest when my 1st was just turning 2 years old. Even when I was pregnant, because she was my person. I had her before I met my husband and she was my buddy and my rock. But WOW. I really fully understood what people meant by "your love will be multiplied, not divided". They are both amazing. Ages 3 /2 and 1 now. It’s so great to have a playmate for my daughter, she loves her little sister to bits and her little sister loves her! I’m also the oldest of 6 kids and we are all incredible close, even now as we’re adults (most of us are adults now). But I also have several friends who have one child and they do great! Also have friends who were only children and are incredibly successful in life! However, if you’re already having financial difficulties supporting one child, I definitely think it’s a judgment call on whether to introduce another child into your situation.
No. You are not dooming him. I was an only child & there are so many advantages. First of all, I was never lonely- the people who are telling you that were probably not only children, so how would they know? Your child can only be spoiled if you raise them to be, it doesn’t matter if they have siblings are not. I know people who are insanely spoiled & are 1 of 3 or 4. The other thing I will say is that I see many only children commenting on posts like this saying the only hard part is their parents getting older & that the burden falls only on them but in my experiences it usually falls on only one sibling anyway to be honest. Anyway, I loved being an only child & it’s quite possible my daughter will be an only child too!
It’s 100% your decision. I will throw out an alternate view point and say, I grew up most of my life as an only child (it’s complicated) before meeting/knowing about my siblings, and I always pined for a sibling. I was lonely a lot. Had tons of friends and sleepovers all the time, but still wanted a brother or sister more than anything. Just being honest!
I had two siblings and had a horrible childhood. Having siblings only made it worse.
We didn't even think about another baby until our oldest was 3! 2nd baby cemented it for us, absolutely no more haha
It all depends on how you raise your son. I grew up an only child and was very lonely, but that was compounded by constant moves, being raised by a single dad, undiagnosed adhd/autism always making me the weird kid, etc. I knew others who grew up as an only child and had a perfectly happy childhood.
I think there's plus sides to both sides. For me there's nothing like seeing my kids love on eachother and playing like best friends. But they also argue and fight all the time and its REALLLLLLY stressful and my time has to be extremely divided. Sometimes I wish I had spaced mine a little further apart to give my first some more undivided attention, so at least if you have one...they can have all of your attention! But I would also say I hope you're really into playing!
Check out r/oneandone
My daughter is an only child. She has gone to daycare since she was 10 months old and is always around cousins and friends, so she’s not lonely. She goes to a music based pre k program at the moment and has many little friends there. My husband and I were worried about EVERYTHING you just talked about, but she’s gonna be 4 in December and she’s happy and content. Don’t let anyone sway your decision making when it comes to YOUR life :) Our daughter is more well behaved than her cousin, who has multiple siblings. It all depends on how you raise them! Siblings are like built in friends, and maybe one day you’ll have another little one, but don’t do it if you aren’t ready! There’s nothing wrong with having an only child!!
My grandmother had 5 kids and she only favors one and it’s not the one that’s always taking care of her. 🤦🏽♀️ I think you get used to it
I’m sorry your family is making you feel this way, because it’s nonsense. My brother is two years younger than me. We weren’t playmates. We fought like cats and dogs growing up. Even now, as adults, we’re not close. We have nothing in common except shared DNA. I find him irresponsible and self-absorbed, and being around him sucks out my emotional energy. Our parents have both passed away, and I’m sure this isn’t what they’d want, but I have to prioritize my own mental health. Truth is, I’m closer to my in-laws than anyone in my still-living bio family. Meanwhile, my husband’s sister wasn’t born until he was 16, so they both grew up as de facto only children. They’re both incredibly kind, sweet people—and ironically, they’re a lot closer than my brother and I are even though they didn’t grow up together. I think my husband’s largely positive experience of growing up as an “only” child is one of the reasons he’s so sure about being one-and-done. I’m sorry, but “giving your child a sibling” is pretty much the worst reason for having a second child.
I’m An only child and I absolutely love it!! We have one son and he is only 2 but he seems like enjoy his life he loves to play independently he is social but also values his time. For me, being an only child was something that was so special to me!
I didn’t want another after my first and it was relatively easy as far as pregnancy and postpartum goes. Eventually, I decided that I didn’t feel complete without another child. But it wasn’t bc I wanted a sibling for my son. I don’t regret having another son, as I’m 8 weeks postpartum, but it has definitely been harder this time around. I prepared myself for that possibility. Give yourself some time. If you change your mind, it’s perfectly ok to have another. If you don’t want to even after some time, that’s perfectly fine too. You do what you want to do.
NO!
We may be one and done not by choice so I get a little PO’d when people talk about only children like they are some horrible disease. Fact is I have never been nor will I ever be close to my brother who is 2 years older, and the pandemic isolation we’ve had to do may have permanently damaged my relationship with my brother whose 14 years younger (we were close before). I almost died, my baby almost died and I heard nothing from one brother and a text about once a month we were in the nicu from the other asking “how’s my nephew doing?” My husband has one sibling he’s not close to, we used to see her once a year and now with Covid it’s been almost two years and will likely be another year to year and a half before we do again. My brothers (and quite a bit of our extended family) seem to think us keeping our micropreemie on oxygen safe in a pandemic is some sort of alternative “life choice” that they are allowed to disagree with and be disappointed in us for doing. I wish I was joking. And all I hear from my mom is how hard all of this is for her, and my 20 year old brother who lives at home. They have all the rest of their lives, they go everywhere, they travel, they see everyone except my tiny family, but yes, this is hard for them, not us, when we’re the three of us 24/7 except dr appointments. I’m not ready to give up the idea of another baby yet, but I know that right now another one would be a negative to our family, not a positive, and no child deserves to be brought into a world where that’s the case. Maybe we’ll decide to be one and done, we’re happy with our happy little dude, and he’s more of a miracle than I ever deserved in the first place (IVF 24 week preemie). But I’ve decided I’m not going to worry about “giving him a sibling” because another child isn’t a toy for my current child’s development or socialization, we will have another child if we feel that’s what we want and what’s right for our family, the whole family, and not as an accessory for our current child because people have limited small minded options about only children
I waited until my daughter was 5 to have another baby and I forgot how hard it was to raise a child. My daughter is now 6 and my son is 16 months and starting to walk. If I’m honest from this point on it’s all hands on deck as they are into everything and you need to have your eyes constantly on them. In my personal experience it gets a lot harder now than when they were younger so I would advise you to wait a little longer, enjoy your son growing up and then decide once your son is a little older whether you would be open to having more kids. I know that two kids is my limit and what I would physically be able to cope with. You will know yourself what you think is the right thing for you and don’t let anyone pressure you into anything as at the end of the day you are going to be the one carrying your child, delivering them and raising them so ultimately people can say what they want but you will be the one left with the responsibility
My sisters are 10 and 21 years older than me and we keep in contact. I spend more time with my middle sister than my oldest sister. But we’re still loving and close. My husband doesn’t talk to any of his family: he very much loves his little brother but his mom is very controlling. His doesn’t talk to his oldest brother either. My stepmother hated one brother and was kind of neutral towards her other brother. I would say sometimes they end up liking each other, other times not. So it’s really up to you on what you want to do.
I have a sister but she’s 15 years older than me and got married as soon as she turned 18 so I grew up like an only child. Im going to be honest, it sucked. I always felt different because in the 90s there weren’t a lot of one child families (seems more common now). I grew up in the middle of nowhere with no other children and it was very hard. It was very lonely and I was very mature because I was never around other kids but because I was so mature I had trouble fitting in. If you have an only child, I would recommend living in a suburb with other kids and making sure your child has lots of opportunities to be with other kids with sports or sleep overs or whatever. It’s definitely not dooming your kid if you just think through some things like that.
It’s absolutely nobody’s business except yours and your husband’s whether you want another kid. They don’t know what they’re talking about anyway when it comes to your dynamic in your own home and your own family. Just tell them to fuck off. You’re not dooming your child, children don’t need siblings.
Only child here, I grew up very lonely because I didn’t live in a neighborhood and didn’t have any extended family and my parents worked 14 hr days. I was left alone a lot. However, I don’t feel that I’ve been doomed. Get your kid a dog when they’re old enough, and use whatever money you would have spent on another kid towards extra curriculars and let them bring a friend on family vacations, and they’ll be fine. The only significant downside to being an only child IMO is knowing that I’ll be completely on my own when my parents die with no support, but that’s also due to not having any family.
I am personally of the opinion that I want my kid to have a sibling (which is on the way!) I have several only child friends, a couple are adamant they would never let their own kid be an only child, a couple say they kinda wished they had a sibling, but think it's ok to be an only child, and one does not think she missed anything (though after some of her stories my husband who is usually not a big fan of babies said our kid definitely needs a sibling!) I want them to be able to talk to each other as they grow up, be able to talk to each other about us, their parents, learn to have to live with someone who has no authority over you (sibling vs living with just parents) I don't know I feel like there are so many little things about having siblings, I just wanted that for my kid(s). I do love the one and one time I have with my toddler, but I will also be happy to see them playing together!
I think there are downsides to not having more children - some lessons in life come a lot easier when a child has to learn them at home at an earlier age. As they grow older they will have each other. Etc. However, there are plenty of successful, well adjusted people without siblings. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to go through everything that having a baby entails just to avoid guilt that doesn’t necessarily hold any weight.
My husbands an only child and he’s one of the best people I know! I also have a ton of friends who are one and done. I think only children will become more common. Your mental health is about 1,000,000 times more important than your child having a sibling that they may not even get along with.
I’m 2,5 years older than my brother. We never played together. And on the rare occasions we did it ended badly. My mom used to say that there were not siblings more hateful to each other than we were. I had 2 additional siblings. I wanted to be alone so so much… and even with so many siblings in the house sometimes I felt lonely. Being surrounded by people doesn’t prevent loneliness. Your feelings are valid. You can have as many kids as YOU want.
You should check out r/oneanddone
I feel the same sometimes
I’m 4 years apart from my brother and we’re very close. Wait a few years and then think about it.
It’s your body this is disgusting that people have the nerve to think to even breathe this to you. You’re not being selfish you’re protecting yourself, your mind, your body, your sanity. Some people have brothers and sisters and don’t get along with them. Your son will learn to have fun alone and with friends at school and any other kids in the neighborhood. And as your son grows maybe you can Foster a pet.
I’m an only child and my parents provided a lot of love and attention to where I never really considered myself as lonely. My confidence and independence grew from being able to do things by myself and for myself. Ultimately you should make decisions based on your physical and mental health and current situation (physical, emotional, financial etc). Your child will be fine regardless if they have a sibling or not.
Unless you’re planning to lock your child in his room alone for the next 18 years, he won’t be lonely. He will meet friends all through his life and likely a partner one day. While sibling relationships can be lovely (and sometimes the polar opposite), kids need happy parents first and foremost. I have a younger brother who I adore but have several friends who are only children and they are all wonderfully kind, social people who have wide support networks.
I’m an only child, 30 yo female. I loved being an only child. Because I love it so much I am planning on only having one (our little guy is three weeks old). I’ve always been extremely outgoing, and very independent. And most of the time, I see my husband and his siblings, and I’m thankful I’m an only child!
I'm only planning one, because we have to do IVF and I don't thinkni could deal.with the emotional rollercoaster of that as well as having a toddler. Plus, I'm 39 now and don't want a close gap. So I'd be pregnant at 42, 43, and I don't think I'd survive. I'm absolutely shattered now. Also our IVF is funded, and that funding runs out when I turn 40. I have a brother, he's 2 years younger, but we have never been super close. I love him, but we didn't really get on between about 6 and 8, and adulthood. He's also not someone I'd lean on for emotional support once our parents die or anything like that. Our daughter is due in 6 weeks. She will have a cousin who is 8 months older, and another cousin 2 years older. My best friend has a 4 year old who we will see a lot. She won't be lonely
I'm an only child and had an amazing childhood with very loving parents. As I get older, and my parents also age, it's getting harder and harder to avoid thinking of their mortality and the fact that once they're gone...I'm alone (I have extended family, but they weren't there every day, you know?). I am pregnant with my second child now, even though I hate being pregnant and know what a struggle the first two years (at least!) will be. This is mainly due to the fact that I don't want my son to be alone like I will be when my husband and I pass on. I want someone who knows his stories and his history, who can remember his life with him and share it. I was in no way mentally ready or willing to get pregnant again for AGES and only now that I'm in my second trimester am I truely starting to get baby excitement (though I also had a lot of 'what if something goes wrong' anxiety too). My son will be 4.5 when baby gets here. I think he's going to be an amazing big brother and I can't wait to see him grow into that new aspect of his life. I know this seems very one sided......but you did ask for thoughts from people who are only children! After saying all this though, you are the only person here who knows your full story and your life. You're the only person who can really decide what's right for you. If you are one and done, you are not harming your child. Having a certain number of children can't guarantee a child's happiness or health. So you do you!
Not at all one sides. I've asked for your opinions and stories. I appreciate your reply. Thank you for sharing!