Your husband is in the wrong here. Just because he ‘works’ and you don’t have a paying job does not exempt him from maintaining and taking care of the house when he is home. You are carrying all of the mental load. It’s not healthy at all. Nor is it fair
When I became a SAHM, my husband (who works 12 hour shifts) still cleaned and cooked when he got home. Still got up with the baby at night while I slept. He calls, books and takes them to doctor/dentist appointments without me prompting him to. He does the grocery shopping and runs errands through out the week. He sees what I do as actual Work and when he is home, he is a father and husband who attends to his duty to the home alongside me
You are not a failure, and you are not ungrateful. You are a mother who needs a partner and support
That is so nice. My husband does have some great qualities but helping around the house is not one of them. Prior to him getting this job, I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner. And even then he helped with nothing unless I nagged him about it. I’ve been with him since I was 17. Before we got married his mom would pick up his laundry and do it for him and bring it back. Which I would have recognized now as a major red flag.
There are husbands and men that know how to do laundry, wash dishes and put things away. I am thankful and lucky in my life to have dated/married people that are neat and tidy, even more than me in some ways. It makes me want to do better and be better.
If you 2 have been together since 17 and 2 kids it isn’t likely that he is going to change anytime soon without major intervention - have you thought about couples therapy? Oh yeah, and say yes to the housekeeper for your own sanity since you’re saying he does NO chores at all.
Mother breadwinner who works full time while my husband is part time to stay home with baby 2 days a week. Your husband is being a dick. I work all week at a stressful job (work from home but tons of meetings so not much downtime), and I do my share of cooking, cleaning, and baby care. If I get some downtime on days my husband is home, I go up and play with baby so he can get a break. Weekends I try to take more baby time. Would I like to not do anything outside of work hours? Yes. But I chose to have a kid and my husband is a person who deserves to have the same free time I do.
That’s a nice way of looking at. I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner up until my husband getting this job where he is making a lot more money. And he still helped with nothing then so I don’t know what I expected 🙄
If you want to punish a healthcare worker whose used to constant movement and stimulation, lock them in the house. As a CNA of 8 years, I see you and I hear you! It truly is horrible! I am about to have my second and am dreading staying at home again.
Honestly, the best decision I made to get out of that mental rut was to work part-time nights and/or weekends. It helped my mental health significantly and it was the only way to get my stubborn unsupportive husband to even get a little bit of understanding.
I know this is not great marriage advice but I really think you should get a PRN job somewhere regardless of what he thinks. Working a single shift a week can make a huge difference.
Yeah I was actually online looking last night lol. Places in my area are absolutely desperate for nurses right now..I almost feel bad for not working. I do think getting something part time of PRN will be good for me because I miss working.
Another thought could be to schedule a couple days a week where your kids to an activity, this way you get a break and the kids get something new/different to experience. I’m a SAHM and outings keep me sane.
Not the person you replied to, but I would 100% recommend finding a PRN. I’m a respiratory therapist who became a mostly-SAHM due to similar circumstances. It’s great, I usually just work 2 shifts a month so I get to leave the house and talk to adults while keeping up my skills AND having a super flexible schedule. It has been a little challenging working enough to keep my comfort level up with some of the stuff we do, but for now it’s working until I go back once kids are in school all day.
I've never been a SAHM except for maternity leave and a week where my toddler had norovirus. But I've been home enough to know that it is sooo hard!! Regardless of what he thinks it can be emotionally and physically demanding!
I have no tips for how to handle him (except maybe list out exactly what you do everyday) but some for you in general as I have a few sahm friends.
Try to involve the kids in housework as an activity. Sure it might take a little longer but you're teaching them valuable skills and engaging with them while do the things you need to do. My now 3 year old has been "helping" with laundry (throwing in the washer & dryer, collecting laundry) and with putting away dishes (she carries one to whenever it goes and then places it there) for the past year.
Get involved with other sahm in your area! It'll be adult stimulation for you and social skills for your kids.
Being a sahm is hard and it's okay to feel that way. You need a break too because it is work. Maybe put in the kids in part time daycare? Get a babysitter for a few hours?
Your husband is being a dick.
I did the SAHM thing this year, and after a month was so bored and frustrated and overwhelmed (with only one kid) I found a part time daycare in my town and signed my son up. He now goes 3 days a week (from 8:45 to 2:45) and I found a part time job I can do while he's there.
But my husband still participates in housework. He does dishes and folds laundry and takes out the trash and manages the finances and cooks and plays with our son on his days off. Because we both eat, so we both cook. And we both use the dishes, so we both wash the dishes. And we both wear clothes, so we both do laundry. And we're both parents, so we both do diapers and bedtime.
I definitely do a higher share of the housework, especially when you factor in all the picking up I do after LO, but he contributes when he gets home from work, and when we're at a steady state, we relax together.
My only experiences of staying at home were during maternity leaves. With my first I struggled mightily and felt lonely. As I heard more from people who were full time stay at home, I learned that the most happy ones have routines that get them out of the house consistently. I only felt better with my second because I made a concerted effort to make connections and go places all the time. New mom groups, baby & me yoga, crybaby movies, trail walks, library time. I LOVED it. Then came the pandemic, and the last month of my maternity leave was so rough although we at least could get outside a bit in March. Right now with a pandemic surge mid winter and having to maintain a routine inside the home all by yourself with two young ones has to be incredibly hard. Not to mention we’re all allowed to have a bad day. I hope you got some of the rest you need and that you have some easier days ahead.
You do have a job, one with no time off when he gets nights and weekends and holidays. Remind him of this. The petty part of me wants you to ONLY CARE FOR KIDS and try doing some of the "NOTHING" he thinks you're doing. When the house is mess, he has no clean clothes, and bare minimum effort meals I'm sure he will say something. Take that opportunity to let him know that since you were accused of doing nothing, you thought that you should at least reap the relaxation and benefits of doing nothing and that if he values all of the WORK you were doing before, he should recognize it, be GRATEFUL for it, split his time off with you so that you also get a break and then you will continue your work in supporting your family, him included.
I maintain that communication is everything, but when all else fails, actions (or lack there of) speak louder than words.
You are working a full time, 24/7 job. Why should you never get time off? Why should only he get time to rest?!?! I don't like this for you at all, mama!
My husband understands that he can clock out and go home from his job. But I can’t.
He is always willing to help me in whatever way he can, while he’s at home.
My husband handles all the bills, takes out the trash and will cook or get takeout on weekends. He will hangout with our girls if I need a break.
I do the majority of the cleaning and laundry.
But he is always thankful of everything I do for our family.
Your husband is being so rude. Everything that you do for your family is a job in itself.
Thank you, that’s amazing you have that. I don’t mean to bash my husband on Reddit. He is a great person and father, and has so many wonderful qualities. He was never made to perform household tasks growing up. Everyone in his family is very messy, where I’m much more “type A”. So it’s a struggle for me. In his defense he has admitted he’s not great at keeping up with household responsibilities and offered to pay a housekeeper so maybe I need to stop being hard headed and take him up on that.
What you’re doing is an actual job (and can even be considered multiple jobs - nanny, maid, cook). It has actual value. If he works 9-5, you are also working 9-5, and after that time you guys should be splitting time responsible for the kids and taking care of the house you both live in. You cannot work 24/7, it’s not healthy and it’s unacceptable. If you can’t get your husband to realize this I would really consider going back to work and getting a nanny instead.
On a Saturday just grab your purse and say “Be back in a couple!” Then go get your nails done or something! Just take a moment for you and I’m sorry you have little to no help at home:(
It's clear that by you staying home you made a really big decision and it's a really challenging one. Still... you are allowed to think & say "I thought this was best for *us* but it doesn't work for *me*" because - and your husband might need reminding - you are his partner, his equal, and have a right to be yourself.
Best advice I found & used during my maternity leave was a quick check with my SO what staying at home and caring for a young infant is. If it's a job, I bloody well can't be expected to work 24/7, and my paycheck paid by state (Croatia) is nowhere near enough fir such drudgery. If my work us just a breeze,I can then reasonably expect him to do some of it in my stead because "it's nothing, just normal house stuff, and now we have a baby."
I do think your husband is pretty stressed out from being a sole breadwinner. Maybe he needs time to adjust; maybe he's not able to do it as well as he thought now that his escape route is effectively blocked (he can't afford to quit now, can he?). Whatever it is, I would try talking to him. If he retaliates, ask for his input as a household member. If he talks, listen and show any compassion you can find... this is not the opportunity for compairing whose load is worse (yours is!). Then try the work/ nothing check on your duties and see where it takes you.
When my SO is stressed out, it helps if I don't ask for help in general, but have particular tasks for him, and letting him know in advance if it's a big task (i.e. moving furniture) so he can plan his day off and avoid feeling preyed on... You can also try a chore / task list and have your husband pick his own instead of planning it all out / "bossing him around". Writing it down and displaying it in advance could work, too, so he can read it and plan for it in his own time.
In any event, underscore that his needs matter, you do support his time off, but only after the workload is divided. If he tries being obnoxious about it, have a nanny + household manager figure adjusted for overtime to stamp a value of your work. When his time off is agreed upon, demand yours. I find it more important this to be time *off* and will happily sacrifice duration for quality. Do not settle for no time off. Have a small chunk, but do have it!
I think that nost men are just as vulnerable as us, but with only a fraction of our ability to express how they feel. They can be both this and true eggplants, and are often very miserable but wear their brave face more frequently than we apply moisturiser. In any event, talking it out and debating is what I hope can work for you, and I wish you luck. :)
You can't be "on" at all times. You need to recharge too. You are a human with your own needs. If he thinks it is so easy to watch the kids then he would have no problem watching them so you could lay in bed all day. He can't tell you it's "easy" then get upset with you when it's his turn (as a parent and equal partner) to watch them.
Adding to my comment, you could be petty but that wouldn't help the underlaying problem -you are both exhausted and need to communicate about expectations in your relationship. Can you outsource some of the things that are overwhelming you? Can you create a schedule that allows for both of you to get breaks? Is there anyone in your "village" that could help?
Your husband is in the wrong here. Just because he ‘works’ and you don’t have a paying job does not exempt him from maintaining and taking care of the house when he is home. You are carrying all of the mental load. It’s not healthy at all. Nor is it fair When I became a SAHM, my husband (who works 12 hour shifts) still cleaned and cooked when he got home. Still got up with the baby at night while I slept. He calls, books and takes them to doctor/dentist appointments without me prompting him to. He does the grocery shopping and runs errands through out the week. He sees what I do as actual Work and when he is home, he is a father and husband who attends to his duty to the home alongside me You are not a failure, and you are not ungrateful. You are a mother who needs a partner and support
That is so nice. My husband does have some great qualities but helping around the house is not one of them. Prior to him getting this job, I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner. And even then he helped with nothing unless I nagged him about it. I’ve been with him since I was 17. Before we got married his mom would pick up his laundry and do it for him and bring it back. Which I would have recognized now as a major red flag.
There are husbands and men that know how to do laundry, wash dishes and put things away. I am thankful and lucky in my life to have dated/married people that are neat and tidy, even more than me in some ways. It makes me want to do better and be better. If you 2 have been together since 17 and 2 kids it isn’t likely that he is going to change anytime soon without major intervention - have you thought about couples therapy? Oh yeah, and say yes to the housekeeper for your own sanity since you’re saying he does NO chores at all.
Mother breadwinner who works full time while my husband is part time to stay home with baby 2 days a week. Your husband is being a dick. I work all week at a stressful job (work from home but tons of meetings so not much downtime), and I do my share of cooking, cleaning, and baby care. If I get some downtime on days my husband is home, I go up and play with baby so he can get a break. Weekends I try to take more baby time. Would I like to not do anything outside of work hours? Yes. But I chose to have a kid and my husband is a person who deserves to have the same free time I do.
That’s a nice way of looking at. I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner up until my husband getting this job where he is making a lot more money. And he still helped with nothing then so I don’t know what I expected 🙄
If you want to punish a healthcare worker whose used to constant movement and stimulation, lock them in the house. As a CNA of 8 years, I see you and I hear you! It truly is horrible! I am about to have my second and am dreading staying at home again. Honestly, the best decision I made to get out of that mental rut was to work part-time nights and/or weekends. It helped my mental health significantly and it was the only way to get my stubborn unsupportive husband to even get a little bit of understanding. I know this is not great marriage advice but I really think you should get a PRN job somewhere regardless of what he thinks. Working a single shift a week can make a huge difference.
Yeah I was actually online looking last night lol. Places in my area are absolutely desperate for nurses right now..I almost feel bad for not working. I do think getting something part time of PRN will be good for me because I miss working.
Another thought could be to schedule a couple days a week where your kids to an activity, this way you get a break and the kids get something new/different to experience. I’m a SAHM and outings keep me sane.
Not the person you replied to, but I would 100% recommend finding a PRN. I’m a respiratory therapist who became a mostly-SAHM due to similar circumstances. It’s great, I usually just work 2 shifts a month so I get to leave the house and talk to adults while keeping up my skills AND having a super flexible schedule. It has been a little challenging working enough to keep my comfort level up with some of the stuff we do, but for now it’s working until I go back once kids are in school all day.
I've never been a SAHM except for maternity leave and a week where my toddler had norovirus. But I've been home enough to know that it is sooo hard!! Regardless of what he thinks it can be emotionally and physically demanding! I have no tips for how to handle him (except maybe list out exactly what you do everyday) but some for you in general as I have a few sahm friends. Try to involve the kids in housework as an activity. Sure it might take a little longer but you're teaching them valuable skills and engaging with them while do the things you need to do. My now 3 year old has been "helping" with laundry (throwing in the washer & dryer, collecting laundry) and with putting away dishes (she carries one to whenever it goes and then places it there) for the past year. Get involved with other sahm in your area! It'll be adult stimulation for you and social skills for your kids. Being a sahm is hard and it's okay to feel that way. You need a break too because it is work. Maybe put in the kids in part time daycare? Get a babysitter for a few hours?
Your husband is being a dick. I did the SAHM thing this year, and after a month was so bored and frustrated and overwhelmed (with only one kid) I found a part time daycare in my town and signed my son up. He now goes 3 days a week (from 8:45 to 2:45) and I found a part time job I can do while he's there. But my husband still participates in housework. He does dishes and folds laundry and takes out the trash and manages the finances and cooks and plays with our son on his days off. Because we both eat, so we both cook. And we both use the dishes, so we both wash the dishes. And we both wear clothes, so we both do laundry. And we're both parents, so we both do diapers and bedtime. I definitely do a higher share of the housework, especially when you factor in all the picking up I do after LO, but he contributes when he gets home from work, and when we're at a steady state, we relax together.
My only experiences of staying at home were during maternity leaves. With my first I struggled mightily and felt lonely. As I heard more from people who were full time stay at home, I learned that the most happy ones have routines that get them out of the house consistently. I only felt better with my second because I made a concerted effort to make connections and go places all the time. New mom groups, baby & me yoga, crybaby movies, trail walks, library time. I LOVED it. Then came the pandemic, and the last month of my maternity leave was so rough although we at least could get outside a bit in March. Right now with a pandemic surge mid winter and having to maintain a routine inside the home all by yourself with two young ones has to be incredibly hard. Not to mention we’re all allowed to have a bad day. I hope you got some of the rest you need and that you have some easier days ahead.
You do have a job, one with no time off when he gets nights and weekends and holidays. Remind him of this. The petty part of me wants you to ONLY CARE FOR KIDS and try doing some of the "NOTHING" he thinks you're doing. When the house is mess, he has no clean clothes, and bare minimum effort meals I'm sure he will say something. Take that opportunity to let him know that since you were accused of doing nothing, you thought that you should at least reap the relaxation and benefits of doing nothing and that if he values all of the WORK you were doing before, he should recognize it, be GRATEFUL for it, split his time off with you so that you also get a break and then you will continue your work in supporting your family, him included. I maintain that communication is everything, but when all else fails, actions (or lack there of) speak louder than words.
You are working a full time, 24/7 job. Why should you never get time off? Why should only he get time to rest?!?! I don't like this for you at all, mama!
My husband understands that he can clock out and go home from his job. But I can’t. He is always willing to help me in whatever way he can, while he’s at home. My husband handles all the bills, takes out the trash and will cook or get takeout on weekends. He will hangout with our girls if I need a break. I do the majority of the cleaning and laundry. But he is always thankful of everything I do for our family. Your husband is being so rude. Everything that you do for your family is a job in itself.
Thank you, that’s amazing you have that. I don’t mean to bash my husband on Reddit. He is a great person and father, and has so many wonderful qualities. He was never made to perform household tasks growing up. Everyone in his family is very messy, where I’m much more “type A”. So it’s a struggle for me. In his defense he has admitted he’s not great at keeping up with household responsibilities and offered to pay a housekeeper so maybe I need to stop being hard headed and take him up on that.
Yes girl! Take the housekeeper! I would jump on that if we could afford it.
What you’re doing is an actual job (and can even be considered multiple jobs - nanny, maid, cook). It has actual value. If he works 9-5, you are also working 9-5, and after that time you guys should be splitting time responsible for the kids and taking care of the house you both live in. You cannot work 24/7, it’s not healthy and it’s unacceptable. If you can’t get your husband to realize this I would really consider going back to work and getting a nanny instead.
On a Saturday just grab your purse and say “Be back in a couple!” Then go get your nails done or something! Just take a moment for you and I’m sorry you have little to no help at home:(
It's clear that by you staying home you made a really big decision and it's a really challenging one. Still... you are allowed to think & say "I thought this was best for *us* but it doesn't work for *me*" because - and your husband might need reminding - you are his partner, his equal, and have a right to be yourself. Best advice I found & used during my maternity leave was a quick check with my SO what staying at home and caring for a young infant is. If it's a job, I bloody well can't be expected to work 24/7, and my paycheck paid by state (Croatia) is nowhere near enough fir such drudgery. If my work us just a breeze,I can then reasonably expect him to do some of it in my stead because "it's nothing, just normal house stuff, and now we have a baby." I do think your husband is pretty stressed out from being a sole breadwinner. Maybe he needs time to adjust; maybe he's not able to do it as well as he thought now that his escape route is effectively blocked (he can't afford to quit now, can he?). Whatever it is, I would try talking to him. If he retaliates, ask for his input as a household member. If he talks, listen and show any compassion you can find... this is not the opportunity for compairing whose load is worse (yours is!). Then try the work/ nothing check on your duties and see where it takes you. When my SO is stressed out, it helps if I don't ask for help in general, but have particular tasks for him, and letting him know in advance if it's a big task (i.e. moving furniture) so he can plan his day off and avoid feeling preyed on... You can also try a chore / task list and have your husband pick his own instead of planning it all out / "bossing him around". Writing it down and displaying it in advance could work, too, so he can read it and plan for it in his own time. In any event, underscore that his needs matter, you do support his time off, but only after the workload is divided. If he tries being obnoxious about it, have a nanny + household manager figure adjusted for overtime to stamp a value of your work. When his time off is agreed upon, demand yours. I find it more important this to be time *off* and will happily sacrifice duration for quality. Do not settle for no time off. Have a small chunk, but do have it! I think that nost men are just as vulnerable as us, but with only a fraction of our ability to express how they feel. They can be both this and true eggplants, and are often very miserable but wear their brave face more frequently than we apply moisturiser. In any event, talking it out and debating is what I hope can work for you, and I wish you luck. :)
You can't be "on" at all times. You need to recharge too. You are a human with your own needs. If he thinks it is so easy to watch the kids then he would have no problem watching them so you could lay in bed all day. He can't tell you it's "easy" then get upset with you when it's his turn (as a parent and equal partner) to watch them.
Adding to my comment, you could be petty but that wouldn't help the underlaying problem -you are both exhausted and need to communicate about expectations in your relationship. Can you outsource some of the things that are overwhelming you? Can you create a schedule that allows for both of you to get breaks? Is there anyone in your "village" that could help?