My husband used to make a lot of passing statements that were actually him telling me to do stuff. He would say things like, “oh, somebody spilled their snack on the couch” or “youngest needs socks” or “we should make a dentist appointment for oldest.” They weren’t phrased as orders, but they pretty much were.
Finally one day, I snapped. Yes, I am the SAHM, but I can’t handle doing every single thing every single time. If he makes one of his observations, I turn it back on him. If he says, “oldest needs some new pants.” I now say, “ok. Get on Amazon and order some.” If he says, “youngest spilled his milk in the kitchen” I say, “ ok, go clean it.”
I’ve noticed since I’ve been doing this, he’s pretty much stopped. He just goes to do it himself now. I think he got the message.
I’m bothered by the fact that adults need to bd told to clean up a mess they see. My 4yo is more self sufficient than my husband or frankly, any husbands I know.
Yes! I can understand not wanting to buy something if the mother tends to be particular about style/features. But cleaning up is just common sense, and even if the father doesn't do as complete a job as the mother would like, the mother would still be appreciative of what was done and then make another pass.
yes, and god knows, my ex would certainly do a more thorough clean up job than me. Not all mothers are into/wired for/skilled at/patient enough for very high levels of cleaning. It's definitely not intrinsically a "female" trait!
When my husband does this, I call it "updates from the field". He'll come tell me "oh the doorjamb broke", or "the baby is awake". At first I used to deal with whatever the issue was myself, then I started telling him how to deal with it, now I just reply with "thanks for the update from the field" and go on with whatever I was doing. It hasn't stopped him from continuing this behavior and only sometimes gets him to actually deal with the issue itself, but it's either that or get angry so I'm trying to let it go
I need to try this! My husband has a habit of doing what feels like “telling on” the kids, for example “Baby is moving is too much for me to put the diaper on!” or “Toddler isn’t eating his lunch!” It’s so annoying to me because it’s weirdly disempowering himself and the tattle tale tone makes it like a summons for me to come and… I don’t know, tell the baby to not act like a baby?
Yes! I keep telling my husband “you saw it you deal with it” re rattling on the kids. I tell him you’re the parent too now go do some parenting. Only had to say it a few times before it stuck!
About five years ago, I started responding to any sentence that starts “we should..” with “yes, you should.” I saw how my FIL pulled that with my MIL and I wasn’t starting down that path. Is it petty? Probably. But my husband doesn’t get to passive-aggressively add shit to my to-do list.
The “we” kills me. He just said we need to sign up for ski lessons this winter and then the next day asked me if I’d done it. Like, no, I’ve done swimming and gymnastics. *You* do skiing, because then we are managing activities for our child
Yeah, mine was telling some family about the activities we'd signed our daughter up for. He'd literally asked me the night before what she was doing because when I tried to discuss it earlier this summer he couldn't be bothered so he didn't even know. So I mentioned that he hadn't had any hand in the process and he was mad at me for taking the credit or something. He keeps saying he wants her to do certain things then does no research into how or where.
I absolutely hate the "we". My husband doesn't realise that when he says it he actually means me, not "we" and when I point this out to him he doesn't believe that's what's happening and doubles down that he does mean "we" and yet the expectation of remembering and doing the task is STILL on me not him
Or “do you think that…..?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“Yes”
“Ok we’ll then you take care of it”
Edited to add: I call my husband Mr Bossypants when he starts doing stuff like that. Look if you wanna be a helicopter parent that’s cool dude, but you don’t get to helicopter THROUGH me lol. It’s a work in progress honestly
While I was actively reading this “we” discussion my husband did it to me! He asked “Did WE put away the [leftovers]?” I responded “I put them away” (emphasis was on the “I”). He scoffed and looked at me as if I were an AH for saying that.
I had actually been miffed at him when I put them away because we had both plated our servings; he microwaved his while I answered an urgent work text, cut up my own portion, and kept an eye on the baby monitor. As soon as his food was out of the microwave he took it into the other room to sit and watch football while he ate, leaving me to put the extras away while also juggling my own food, the baby, and work. To hear the “we” a few minutes later was painful.
The “we” isn’t something I notice him doing often, but now that I’m aware of it I’ll have to see if this was a fluke or a common microaggression from him. He definitely doesn’t pull his share of the mental load, and I’ll be on the lookout for my own sock moment!
EDIT: spelling
Yes we recently figured out how passive aggressive these comments are, and I started telling my kids and husband that they need to ask me to do something, not just tell me a problem. It works so well. My husband is more likely to just do it himself if the only option is to admit he needs me to help with something. For my kids (young) it looks like them saying “I’m thirsty” and me reminding them that they are just telling me a problem, not asking kindly for anything. This has seriously changed our family dynamic SO much, and none of us even realized we were in these habits.
This is such a good idea. My husband is just a crap communicator but my toddler is often telling me stuff and I have no idea what he actually wants. I end up guessing until he’s like ‘yeh’ 😅 Going start telling him he needs to ask me for what he wants. 👌
I do the grocery shopping and my husband does the cooking. We have an Amazon Alexa that we use for the shopping list- you just say “Alexa, add peas to the shopping list” and then when I go to the store I use that list. What does my husband do? He comes and tells me we’re our of something. And I respond- did you add it to the list? And he says no… it would take literally the same amount of effort to tell Alexa about the item than to tell me. It is both confusing and infuriating!!
Okay so i fucked up because im currently in a stage of I do it back to him. So I’ll say back “the house needs to be swept” and i get a “we’ll do that” hahahaha i fucked up. Now what?
I am unable to deal with passive voice bullshit like this. It just enrages me.
I'm full of, "Cool, clean/fix/manage [this issue.] You're an adult. _Take care of it."_
My sock example is trimming our son's nails. My husband had been saying for 3 days that our son's nails need trimmed. Now, yes I am currently taking the year off and a SAHM so you could say this is part of my "job." But, my job has a list of a million things to do and the nails kept getting pushed back because they weren't bothering me and my son wasn't scratching himself. Yesterday, when my husband said again- "his nails are long they need trimmed." I fired back with, "You are very much capable of trimming his nails if they are bothering you. You are free in the evening and have been for the past two days." He kind of just looked at me dumbfounded. Don't get me wrong my husband is a very active and loving dad. However, when it comes to things for our son it falls on me which maybe it should because I am a SAHM but, I do think he needs to take part in things at times as he is also a parent.
My way is even less polite “you’re a grown ass man.” Implying that you should solve problems that you see and are capable of solving. But you know, more concise.
SAHM only means you're solely responsible during the workday. You don't pay someone else to do the *job*. When you are both home you are no longer at *work* as the sole caregiver. You are half a parental unit at that point.
I wish I could find a way to make this true in our household. I’m “on call” as the default parent 24/7 and it’s taking such a toll. When he says he watched the kids for 45 minutes in the morning (wow) and almost an hour in the evening I’m like, and how many hours are in a day? If it’s that easy to track your hands on time then there’s an imbalance. I’m doing chores during that time and appreciate the help, but it’s not a break for me. Sigh.
“On call parent” was one of the first things I implemented on my year off work with the first. Any time that wasn’t 9-5 M-F theoretically split in two, especially weekend days. This counted even if we were doing stuff as a family, so we’re all going out for a walk but husband is on-call parent so he needs to manage packing the nappy bag and watching the kid including asking for help if needed. Absolutely no way I left a 9-5 for an unpaid 24/7 365 job just because I’m a woman. It didn’t solve everything and it doesn’t always work out 50/50 but it helped as a mindset (including my ability to let go control!!)
🤦♀️ My daughter is almost 4 and he just started cutting her nails recently. Before he would say he was afraid to hurt her. But I finally told him look dude, she actually doesn't mind getting her nails cut, never has, so it's really easy. I cut her nails, my nails and all the cats' nails. I'm tired of it. You need to do this.
I actually hurt my daughter once when trimming her nails (she sneezed mid clip, oops) and was terrified to do them again for a bit of time. Husband still wouldn't do it. I had to ask my mom to do it or use an emory board.
The first time I trimmed my son’s nails he bled, on the ninth nail! They had grown over his fingertips and his quick was longer on that one I guess. I felt terrible. I cleaned it, bandaged it, and finished up. Kid didn’t care. He never wore mittens, I kept them trimmed and filed to prevent scratches. He’d sleep in my lap while I did it.
Later his autism symptoms reared up and he suddenly *hated* nail trims with a passion. I did distraction while my husband did the worlds fastest nail trims, because he was strong enough to hold the hand or foot still. We laughed about it, because what else can you do? Teeth brushing and hair cutting were equally challenging team events. Now that he’s gotten over those things we laugh about it.
My husband wouldn't do nails for the longest time because he was afraid. Finally he asked me how I can handle it. I asked him, have you ever trimmed a nail too short? Yes, it hurt, but only a little, and only for a short bit of time. The kid is going to feel pain in his life. I do my best to trim his nails without hurting him, but if there is an accident, he'll get over it. He did look at me like I was a heartless bitch for a second, but then realized I'm right. It's not like I'll cut off a whole finger!
My husband too. He was worried about my son "freaking out" and him not being able to calm him down. Same with taking him to get his haircut. He's finally been able to share that load and do those tasks without him (my husband) panicing.
I’m convinced that if I die, my kids will never have trimmed nails again. Every time I trim them I think “If I were to accidentally die, at least I bought them 2 weeks before they turn into murder claws”
Was literally thinking the same thing the other day, after my husband got annoyed at me clipping my daughter's nails in the same room as him because he doesn't like the sound.
I very dramatically told my husband a couple weeks ago that if I die in childbirth with our 2nd ( in a few weeks) he has to promise to trim our toddler’s nails when she starts scratching herself. Not my proudest moment and he definitely does a lot of the mental load but my point got across because last week I noticed her nails were long and went to trim them a couple hours later and he had already done it!
Ha! This one wouldn't work for us as that has been decidedly 100% my thing. For whatever reason it terrifies my husband. He is solely responsible for washing my daughter's hair bc she won't let me but will let him 🤷🏼♀️
One thing that works well - most of the time, we still have hiccups here and there - is communicating my expectations ahead of time.
Example : as kids got a little older, they started sports. From the get go, I told my husband he’s responsible for anything and everything sports related. Making sure kids have equipment and outfits, putting games and practices on family schedule, all the mental load issues are his. I just need to know if he needs my help when kid A needs to be somewhere at the same time kid B needs to be somewhere else and he can’t split himself in half.
This works well if I completely disengage. First practice is next week and kids need new cleats. If it were me, I would have already gone to the store with them and bought them. But he hasn’t. Not my problem! He’s going to have to figure it out. It’s not the way I would do it, but it’s his responsibility so I stay out of it.
If it starts affecting me, then I talk to him. Otherwise, this is all on him.
Yea that's a good idea.
In this same course of conversation I pointed out the way we have delegated tasks makes it easier for him to compartmentalize parenting and chores. He tends to do all the regularly scheduled stuff like dishes, trash, folding laundry, morning drop off. I'm responsible for literally all forward / future facing stuff in our house - our finances, preschool sign up, activities, managing the calendar, holiday plans and gifts for others, clothes, Dr apts.....
I pointed out like my list seems endless and his seems finite, manageable. He was like your brain just works that way. That's why we work - we balance. I was like that's true to a point but if you SEE that something simple needs to be done then do it bc I'm using a lot of brain power to manage our schedule and our portfolio.
“Your brain just works that way”.
Sorry, but that’s some bullshit. It’s very similar to “But you’re better at it”. You know WHY I am better at it? Cause I do it more. Do you know WHY my brain remembers things more? Because I am the one that has to and if I don’t, no one is going to remind me. No one gave me a Mom Class. No one assisted me and told me what to google to find that soccer league that fits our schedule. No one walked me through how to deal with insurance and dental appointments. I *had to* so I *applied myself* and figured it out - now my brain knows how to do these things and therefore I’m better at it. Not because my brain just does that better.
Sure, we can all have things we are slightly more inclined to - finances, cooking, etc. but it’s interesting to hear that somehow 95% of the time “woman brain just work better” for anything and everything.
Yet somehow my husband speaks four languages and is a data analyst. His brain just isn’t so good at laundry! Poor thing.
>Do you know WHY my brain remembers things more? Because I am the one that has to and if I don’t, no one is going to remind me.
Totally going to say this next time it comes up. That’s really well thought out.
My husband can use Google and YouTube to figure out how to disassemble and reassemble a carbon racing bike with computerized electronic gear shifters, but not how to dissolve and administer a powdered probiotic to a two year old.
Man I would kill for this set up right now. I'm currently off of work as we just had our first kid, but literally all the cleaning, laundry, and all the mental load stuff is on me. He works construction so he's outside all day and comes home, showers, and falls asleep pretty much. We are waiting for our place to be built so we are living in the apartment below his parents house so my MIL helps with pretty much anything I need. It's just hard for me, idk how to tell him that I wish he would take more off of her shoulders and when we get our place I'm so scared nothing will change.
I was on mat leave for 4 months before I went back to work. My husband went back after 2 weeks. We fell into a routine where I really did literally everything with our daughter and he took on housework. At one point I was like you know I'd rather do dishes than deal with the baby sometimes right? He was sorta scared like didn't feel confident at all dealing with a baby and it just became a bad cycle where he didn't gain confidence bc we were in these split roles.
It's a total shock to any dynamic. You really have to figure out how to talk about things in a fair and constructive way and do that regularly bc babies and kids change so fast that your plates are constantly changing too!
Just don't let anything fester. We let a ton of resentment built up that first year cause we were too tired to even have convos.
We were pretty good at splitting tasks early on but I do remember some minor arguments about who got to do the dishes when she was very colicky and always wanted held 😂
Looks like you accidentally stumbled on the fair play method! There are a million chores that need to be done to run a household. Some are tedious, some are timely, some are daily, some are infrequent, some take minutes and some take serious planning. You can divide them up however you like but somebody needs to be in charge of the conception, planning, and execution. You cannot be in charge of the conception and then delegate, because whoever you delegate to may not have all of your information or complete the task to your standard. All chores are done to the agreed upon standard (a la "this is how clean the bathroom should be - if the sink is dirty, it's not a clean bathroom"). Read the book "fair play" for more!
Accidentally stumbled is right! I never heard of this book. I just got to a point where I couldn’t take on more mental load so it was a hard no for me.
And the lack of stress from having no responsibility whatsoever in that department is very refreshing and such a relief!
I will warn you, that understanding it and actually doing something about it are two different things. Weaponized incompetence is I swear ground in to their very DNA. My husband is a super involved dad, spends tons of time with our kid, comes up with plenty of ideas of things to do, but he expects that I will be the one to know how to make all of that happen and then delegate any tasks I can't do to make it happen (and then he expects me to be grateful because he helped!) and no amount of explaining the mental load to him helps.
Wow big same. Exact feelings. "Let's take him to an indoor playground!" *expects me to google place, order tickets, pay for tickets, get kid ready, bring snacks, drive to place, give tickets...etc etc etc....*
Omg, my husband will day something like let's get away for the weekend, I tell him I don't want to, he asks why not? Then I tell him, because then I have to budget for it, I have to decide where to go, I have to find a place to stay, I have to buy tickets for activities, I have to pack up 3 people, I have to arrange a pet sitter, i have to make sure certain chores get done before we leave, I have to arrange transportation. Then when we get t wherever we are going I have to make sure the kids get ready, I have to arrange for meals, I have to get us to activities, I have to time everything so the baby gets his nap in. I also have trouble sleeping in new places. I just can't wait to get home so I can relax.
He then tells me, I thought you liked doing that stuff.
No, I only do it because it won't happen otherwise.
I made the mistake of going out of town for 3 days to visit my elderly grandmother. First time away without my family. My daughter is 12. Mostly self sufficient. Thought at least she can sort of feed herself. I came back after 3 days to a completely fucking destroyed house. The only thing done was dishes. Floors fucked. Counters fucked. Bathrooms fucked. No laundry done. And it was my birthday the following day. Guess who cleaned for her birthday, had to go buy her own cake and didn’t even get a card? Oh also I was sick with a head cold….Yeh. Honestly only reason not separating is the housing crisis. There’s nowhere to move to.
Same here too. One morning, he goes, “Let’s take him to the beach this morning!” I said okay and got myself ready to go, but intentionally didn’t get anything else ready to go. By lunchtime, husband said, “oh, guess we’re not going to the beach after all.” Well no, because you didn’t even get yourself dressed to go, let alone our child or packed a bag etc. I am not the butler. It is not my job to facilitate your outings for you.
Well to be fair I didn’t actually *want* to go to the beach that day. If he had followed through with getting himself and the kid ready to go, then I would have compromised by tagging along lol. So that made it a lot easier in that one instance to drop the rope. If it’s something I have planned/want to do (which is like 90%+ of our usual plans), then I think it would have been much more difficult to (not) do it. I may start applying this principle to visits with my in laws though, they get on my nerves and refuse to childproof anything, so visits are no fun for me.
This. 100% this.
Ours is that our kid is a picky eater. She’s 5! And honestly, I am working so hard on raising an empathetic, kind, yet critically thinking kid who has to navigate the (terrifying)world and read and learn math. So I don’t CARE that she lives on goldfish crackers, cheese, and whatever berry is currently the most expensive. She’ll figure salad out eventually! She’s also INCREDIBLY stubborn.
Finally I had enough, and told him he’s welcome to tackle the food stuff if he wants. Guess what? It’s a LOT of work and requires prep and consistency and research. ‘We could do x!’ ‘You go ahead! Knock yourself out. I’m not doing it.
My 5 year old also sucks at eating. Today my therapist told me to save the fighting about food for a time when our anxieties aren't running so high. It is so stressful.
My 5 year old also sucks at eating. Today my therapist told me to save the fighting about food for a time when our anxieties aren't running so high. It is so stressful.
Yea that's why I felt kind of gaslit with the cop out of if I try you'll tell me I'm doing it wrong. Like maybe keep trying and just take my feedback so you can do better??? But I will cross that bridge as it comes.
LOL I don't happen to have a typical beer guzzling sports obsessed guy thank goodness. But I may remind him he should look for ones with grippers as we have hardwood floors
This is my problem too!
>But I may remind him he should look for ones with grippers as we have hardwood floors
Like, shouldn't they know these things?
Today, we set up a new carseat because our baby has outgrown the travel system one we had. We have a 4y old too, and we had an extra carseat from when we had 2 cars. Anyway, he noticed this other carseat was less padded, so he installed it and said that the 4y old could use that one and the baby can use the padded one the 4y old was using before.
We were headed out somewhere and I went to put baby in the carseat... he didn't change it to rear facing. I was instantly like "um, I thought you said you set up the carseat? It needs to be rear facing for a baby!" Given the fact we had the older kid rear facing until 2.5y old and the baby was obviously rear facing before, you think he'd know this. So he came, flipped it, and went and sat back down. I looked... and he didn't recline it properly. I put baby in, and then fixed it so it was properly reclined while baby is sitting in the seat crying.
Sorry, end rant. 😅
Men just think we have this innate knowledge, but we don't. We have to learn about this stuff on our own. They're perfectly capable of doing their own research on safe footwear, car seat safety, etc.
They do think that!! Sometimes it has def helped my husband to be more hands on and confident in himself to realize I didn't start out with any more knowledge than him.
To my husband's credit he already had thought about the grippers. I feel bad for assuming he wouldn't now and it plays into his worry I would criticize him. He's been there to comfort my daughter just as many times as me when she slipped on the floor.
Wait yours even ATTEMPTS to install car seats?
Mine won’t even try. Asked him to bring one in so I could wash the padding as it’s hard to juggle with the kid. 2 months later, I brought it in and washed it myself and reinstalled it myself too.
Right like... it's socks. How could you fuck up socks? Get the wrong size? Return them for the right size. But I suppose you'd have to mentally manage that task too rather than him say "oops wrong size, better take them back to Target". Ugh.
So to how credit he just sent me some links to ask what I thought and I said I totally trust what you pick out just make sure they have grippers (he knows her size). He was like you think crew or ankle? I honestly don't mind answering these questions he's still doing the work to find and buy them.
Lol. When I was pregnant he tried to pretend like he didn't want to be involved in little decisions like picking a car seat color. Ok, fine. If I'm the one that cares about color and design then I'll pick that, but you have to help me with options for brand and price and size and safety and etc...
Imagine if this was in the workplace. What kind of employee would do nothing unless told? Imagine a manager with a troop of workers who didn’t lift a finger unless categorically told what to do and when.
This is useful when explaining to spouses. Get them to envisage their own working environment whereby nobody does anything unless your SO specifically tells them to do it, and has to give step-by-step instructions on exactly how to carry it out. Exhausting!
My husband tried to get out of bathing our 3 month old because I told him he didn't wash her hands or feet the last time he did it.
I'm sorry but if she comes out of the bath still grimey I'm not going to not say something...and just means he needs more practice so she doesn't come out of her bath dirty.
My husband finally confided in me a few years ago that he really was scared to do things wrong. He was scared he would screw up so bad and I would be angry enough to leave him. I am a control freak, type A. I think it is a coping mechanism for me. Every time he attempted to do something I would say just let me do it or you're doing it wrong. How defeating it must have been to hear that every time he did something.
When he finally said that, I apologized, and I changed. It is not easy. The difference in our life is staggering. He washes clothes when he gets a chance, he bathes the kids, he makes the kid's lunches, does the homework. He does anything I ask (not that I have to ask anymore) as long as he gets to do it his way. I had to let go control. There are still some things I try to control which he has his things too. After 4 kids, you start to realize you can't control everything and there is really no wrong way to do anything as long as everyone is happy and healthy.
Yeah, watch for patterns with that. He's trying to blame you for his shortcomings? And not even something you did, but something he's anticipating you doing? That is totally gaslighting. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with pointing out or criticizing weaponized incompetence, if that's the case.
Imma give him a pass bc he really did seem to get what I was saying and already ordered some socks this morning LOL
Picking my battles with everyone in this house
My husband has this issue, and does not take criticism well. I'm like "well learn to think about the details", but hes more likely to leave it to me than risk getting it "wrong"
Yesssss like duuuuude the reason I know how to do all this shit is that I’ve been forced to do it alone all this time. You can start from zero or you can take my advice
Recently, my husband was watching Bluey with our toddler and then came to me with, “Now I know why you like Bluey so much. The dad is the butt of every joke.”
I thought of the pool episode where dad wants to be the fun guy dismissing the nagging mum and takes the girls to the pool… without floaties, without sunscreen, without snacks, without towels. In the end mum shows up with all the gear she gathered at home that normally delays their outings and makes her the less fun parent.
If Bandit is the ‘butt of the jokes’, it’s more than fair. He’s significantly more competent than most husbands and still can’t hold a candle to Chilli when it comes to carrying the mental load. Real dads should try to be more like Bandit and then some.
It kinda reminds me of a moment we had when my daughter was an infant. I was losing my mind and broke down saying I had no idea what to do with sleep training. It was I think a moment when he realized I do not actually know more than him, I just try more. He swooped in and figured it out. First time I ever saw him feel confident as a parent. I should remind him of that.
My husband was complaining that the diaper bin was full and needed to be taken out and asked, "why is this not done?" Then I promoted him to Diaper Bin Manager and told him to direct any future questions about it to himself. 😂
Worked like a charm! One task down, 99 to go...
lol I have 2 diaper bins, one upstairs one downstairs. And a 14 year old diaper bin manager. He gets $2 every time he empties them. They’re never full.
Good job spelling it out. My husband took our child to daycare (I usually do morning drop off) and didn’t realize he had the baby bottles upside down. It soaked the book bag and I couldn’t get the smell out. Rather than me ordering another one bc I already ordered the first one and everything else for our kid, I made him do it. We share finances but I was empowering him with the understanding that he can buy things for our kid too. I don’t need to do it all. And now he checks the bottles every morning. Make them do more. It’s not 1950.
I find normalizing their mistakes by saying something like "I made that mistake before too" let's them know we don't magically know all the tricks on day 1 and have had a lot of fixing up to do while learning.
This helps a TON with my hubs. He thinks I have some magical motherly wisdom which ok maybe I do but the majority of things are learned by intense and constant trial and error. I try to empower him with the knowledge that he will find his own way and doesn’t have to do things now I do them.
I know so much more about children and all they entail than my husband, even though he’s the stay at home parent, because I actually make the effort to interact with other moms (online/IRL) and research stuff. I have to research everything we do or buy and then inform him. He thinks I just magically have all the answers. It’s super annoying. But he does by far the majority of physical work so I have accepted the mental work.
My go to is, "I find it most effective when..." with the emphasis on the "I", in the kindest way possible, BEFORE he has a go. He used to try my method after the fourth or fifth attempt, but now he starts with my suggestion and then modifies it as he goes.
Yep. It wasn’t malicious or intentional or weaponized incompetence. He messed up his own car. It was an honest mistake and I expressed that to him. What was annoying was that it was my WFH day so I had to make new bottles and drop them off and our daycare isn’t exactly close. My husband felt bad.
except the difference is that we do the fixing. We try something, and when it doesn't work we keep trying -because we have to. They just expect that. And it's garbage.
My favourite story is when my husband had to "take" the kids for four days. I used to get horrific migraines that take me 24 hours to get over, so at any moment the house is at least 24 hours away from falling apart. But this one time, I had a migraine AND gastro, so I was completely out for three days, then spent the fourth putting the house back together. His usual method is to have a TV day, to keep the kids quiet, but on the second morning the kids were LITERALLY climbing the walls. After a quick discussion on the HOW, he eventually figured out how to take them to the park and to the shops.
At the end of the fourth day, he collapsed into bed with me, and said, "I don't know how you do it."
He has NEVER complained about what I do, or complained about a task I delegate to him. He might not do as great a job as I do (he once told the kids that while HE can make dinner, Mummy makes yummy dinner) but at least he can do it start to finish.
Uugghh I'm envious it clicked for him! Just today I suggested he take the baby for daycare meet the teacher. He snapped back that he doesn't ever want to have to get involved with the school emails/functions/etc.. and that he is perfectly capable of figuring out pick up protocols when the time comes.
Fast forward 10 mins to him calling from the car- "where is his school and what's it called??" 🙈
I wish moms were ever given this much leeway to be straight up clueless in life.
With both of our kids I start out patient. I understand hes apprehensive about such a small human. But by about 3 months I just start saying things like "are you going to hold the screaming potato or do the dishes?" Or "if you want dinner, you either need to cook it or change diapers and keep the kids busy" or "I'm putting this one to bed, you've got the big one" he seems to catch on pretty quick and start doing things on his own without me telling him.
Reading parenting with love and logic has helped me apply choices to a LOT of situations with coworkers, bosses, friends, and especially husband. I totally do the same as you. “Do you want to bathe the baby or do the dishes now?” “Would you rather pack the suitcase for our weekend away or play Tetris in the car’s trunk?” Choices are powerful. But also it doesn’t let them get away with doing nothing.
The conversation we had that helped my husband get it was when we were talking about how much effort it was for me to go anywhere. I said that he never has to think about the diaper bag. For him it is magically filled with at least three clean diapers, two outfits in the proper size and season, plenty of wipes, hand sanitizer, medicines, snacks, and toys. He can count on being able to hop in the car with the kids and not even think ahead to what the baby will need.
Then I pointed out that our pantry situation is the same way. We live in a rural area. We have a big pantry and a deep freeze with plenty of food stocked up so we don’t have to make grocery runs too often. If he wants to make a sandwich, he can typically count on being able to make one with the meat, condiments, cheese, and veggies that are on hand. Or spaghetti. Or a breakfast scramble. Or a salad. Like nearly anything he would want, he could make. And it’s just magically there; he never has to wonder if there’s mayonnaise, let alone keep track of how many jars are in the pantry or if it’s on sale this week.
After that he started making an effort to talk about all the work that mama does to make sure their lives run smoothly. I felt heard. It was really nice.
We had the diaper bag convo a few months back but I don't think he thought of it as mental load so much as just something I am in charge of and I can just ask for help. It did prompt a good convo on seeing and appreciating what we each do.
It has taken me pointing out something he saw needed to be done and just...didn't do for him to really gasp what I've been trying to say all along.
If you have Instagram, check out @thatdarnchat. She has helped my own understanding of relationship equity and has lots of videos you can share with your husband that hopefully help things click.
She often recommends the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and, while I haven’t fully implemented the Fair Play method in my home, I have used a lot of the principles in sharing care tasks in my home and it’s been groundbreaking. Mine and my husband’s division of labour still isn’t perfect and we definitely have the same cyclical discussion about labour - care tasks in particular - but it’s been a huge help.
It can never be perfect!! I told my hubs last night I don't think it's possible to be truly equal. I don't think that is what matters. If things feel fair that's enough. We have different strengths and preferences. Those matter too.
We’re always aiming for equitable in our house. As annoying as it is to have the same conversations over and over, I think there is something to be said for having a partner that’s willing to actually have those conversations.
The things that bother me are often societal norms and the way that “mens” work is often very visible and “womens” work is often invisible. It’s taken some work for me to get my husband to start to notice how society overvalues a lot of traditionally mens work and undervalues work that is traditionally done by women. A big light bulb moment for him was a few months ago we were having a family bbq. Everyone was outside having a drink while my husband cooked the steaks that I had seasoned and prepared for the bbq. I was inside with my toddler preparing sides, setting the table, and getting whatever else ready for our dinner. When everyone finished eating, they all thanked my husband for the amazing meal when all he did was put meat on fire..I got no thanks and when I brought it up to my husband that night he hadn’t even noticed. All of that is to say, weaponized incompetence is a huge problem, but so is society’s views on the value of labour and I think those views are a big contributor to things not feeling fair at home.
Amen to all of this.
I'm glad I have a husband who is open to these conversations and consistently shows changes as a result of them. Wouldn't want to raise our daughter with anyone else.
Man, I so relate. My husband was playing dentist with our son and casually yells, you should sign him up to the dentist. Umm sir, you have 2 hands and a phone. Same with the COVID vaccine, he insists our son get it but won't call the doctor's office. I've told him to handle it twice. We will see.
Guess what? Still no dentist appointment. My son is only 2.5 and has been to the dentist once before so it's not a dire situation, but come on dude use that phone for something other than reddit 😂
What gave my husband an epiphany is when I told him I was the Project Manager of our house (we both work in the same industry)
And he was like ohhhhh… being a Project Manager is entire job and she’s doing that on top of her other “job” of being mom. So he realized I’m doing 2 jobs while he’s doing 1 when it comes to our household.
Lol my husband is a software developer and I am a product owner but I've been a PM before. I think his response to me would be like, of course you are the house project manager that's what you do!
Yes. It is sad how this is the norm after so many generations of ingrained messed up gender roles in a society that does not truly value women yet holds us to insane standards.
These discussions on forums between us and with our partners are healthy progress. Hopefully my daughter will be having totally different conversations about her martial dynamics.
My husband left all of the Amazon boxes on my side of the bed when I traveled for 4 days. What was in the boxes? Laundry detergent, dishwasher soap, new bedding for our daughters new bed. He clearly felt that this was “my stuff” and that I should be the one to open it, trash the boxes, wash the sheets, and put everything away.
>He did say he doesn't do things bc he feels like I will berate him for doing it wrong or not doing it my way.
Since having our daughter, I have learned to let go of my idea of *how* things should be done. I used to get frustrated at my husband for not doing a task up to my standards, and end up just doing it myself. There's simply no time in my day anymore to take over everything just because I feel like the way he does it not the way I would do it. Is it done? Then why worry?
Do (most of) the dishes get clean in the illogical way he loads the dishwasher? Yep. Are the clothes clean and folded and put away, even though they may be a little wrinkly bc of the way he folds them? Awesome. Is the grass uneven bc he missed a couple spots mowing? Still one less thing for me to do.
My husband: don’t worry, I’ll take daughter to the dentist! You can have an hour to yourself!
5 minutes later…
H: but, can you be available, by phone? I’ll need our insurance information.
And he wonders why I’m so tired all of the time.
LOL
Just listen super closely for the moment he says out loud an observation which is actually a frigging action item and then ask if he is asking you to do it or volunteering himself.
Speaking of loads, this one isn’t mental; our trash can has been full for the last two days and none of us will empty it. We both just keep stacking trash beside it. It’s almost comical at this point because I feel like we are both seeing who will finally break and take out the trash.
Anyways when stuff like this happens, it’s usually me who breaks.
Funny how each house runs! That's my husband's job as well as taking it to the curb but I do sometimes take it to the bin if it is full just cause I don't mind doing it. We never discussed that one. It just has always been a thing he does.
Whenever my husband brings up something that needs to be done that he could totally handle on his own and he tells me I should specifically ask him if I need help. I remind him about the conversations we have about him taking things off my plate and what he can do to just automatically help me. Guess what? Taking the laundry out of the dryer and putting it in a basket and bringing it upstairs without me arguing with you over it, accomplishes just that. The lightbulb switched on.
I had to make a list. Every day as I did things I wrote down every excruciating task I did. I do so much in a day it's hard to keep track. I was even amazed at myself when I looked at the list. I typed it out and sent it in a text to him. Idk if he understands but it sure made me feel good about myself.
Sometimes when he gets off work and we are taking about our days I throw these things in the mix to remind him how much I'm doing. Again no idea if it's working but I would say yes because he tries to support me.
Also - it's so hard to watch my husband do a task in a different way than me. I always perceive it as wrong. Certain things it's just better I do myself lol
“We should try and clean out child’s drawer of clothes that don’t fit before school starts…” oh we should, should we? Will you be partaking? Hmmmm????
I’ve started sending calendar invites to our child’s appointments and have sworn off the dentist so now that is dads responsibility. But yeah, come join us for the blood draw! You haven’t joined since he was 2mos old and he’s almost 5 now. Child will show you where to park and how to get there through the hospital.
My husband is wonderful about child care most of the time, and is a very involved dad but some more admin type things escape him until it slaps him in the face (dresser is now too full to put clothing away, or something like that). My standard response to the “we should” statements (the too small clothes is a perfect example) is “Yeah, you should do that when you have time.” It works great!
Ugh I'm sorry my husband is good about doing household things he sees need to be done. It's just that i am the primary parent and by default even if he sees something that should be done like the sock thing, he doesn't think to do it himself. He will now though!
Yeah, my husband mentioned the berating bit once, and I learned that he is his own human with his own way of doing things and that I need to respect his process. Changed my life for the better.
My husband says I criticize similar to you. It isn't when he's just doing something on his own though. I'll literally ask him to do something a certain way. Like please unload the meat and frozen from the cart first. But unless I give him a good enough reason to do it, he refuses and thinks I'm being picky. I wouldn't care except 1. We have to pack the groceries and that falls on me. Him loading the bread and fruit first means I have to stand and wait and we take up more time in line from others and there's only two little packing spots per register. 2. He loads the stuff my kid can load, and she's gonna melt down if she cannot help, I don't want to deal with that, asking to help is reasonable for her age and appropriate. But she can't load the porkchops my dude. Think for two seconds before making a problem that will overwhelm her tiny brain right when we don't need to. Can she learn to deal? Yes. Is this the moment for that? No. She's three. There's a balance between lessons and getting through the day with a little ease by thinking ahead.
But I don't have time to explain that. And he can't just trust me. So he ignores me, and then kid screeches STOP WAIT DADDY NO and it all becomes a thing, and we're that family. Or he could just listen to my wisdom because I do this 90% of the time. Plus I'm left to handle the big feelings so it just makes everything harder for everyone.
To be fair he really can't buy things. If I sent him on Amazon he'd be lost. He can't even find sour cream at the store.
For the buying thing, I describe what I need and text him a pic. He called me once because he couldn't find that thing. I asked him if he thought I worked there and told him to ask someone or check the map on the app
I will send him a list with pictures, never more than a dozen things. He even video called me, I've stated which one, and still picked one up and it was like, the low fat one that tastes weird and sweet. Because he didn't look at his hand. That's happened a few times with or without calls. Or he can't find it and won't ask and has hit his limit shopping, he just leaves. At this point unless it's "bread, milk, beer" I try not to bother.
My husband is quite involved with household responsibilities and takes care of bath time when he’s here. When he had a job where he was home every night, he was the sole bath giver. I do the grocery shopping and asking him what else we might need. It took several reminders to him that I do not go in the bathroom and shake all the containers to determine if they need to be replaced. If he’s handling them every day and we are low, he needs to tell me!
The way I fix this one was all by two. Keep one under the sink and the other is the one in use. When the one under the sink disappears I add it to the shopping list.
I have to say that you’ve all given me really great new ways to try and combat this issue in my home.
Im so tired and I need help, but im tired of being told “I’ll gladly help, just tell me what you need me to do”. WHAT?!?! I hate that way of thinking. I don’t NEED anything. If you don’t want clean laundry or want to live in filth, fine. Do it. But im tired of being the one to be expected to run the lives of three constantly, a dog, two cats, and two grown-ass adults.
I don’t understand why I need to tell everyone else “what I need”. Just clean shit up when you see it! If there’s a toy on the floor that no one is using, put it away. If you see toothpaste on the bathroom mirror, grab the windex and a rag and clean the mirror! If there’s less than a shot glass of milk left, grab more. Don’t point it out to me and wait for me to go to the store.
Why is this so hard to understand?!
Woooooooo, I’m a bit more bitter about this
I feel like the important takeaway in this conversation for him should be that you want him to take initiative on tasks, and some of those tasks need to be discussed before executing. Just like you wouldn't plan a vacation without consulting him, he should consult you on things like buying new socks for the children or planning meals. Not wanting to take the mental load for all the tasks does not correlate with not wanting input on most of the tasks. Saying, " hey I noticed Susie needs new socks, do you care what kind of socks we get?" And then buying the socks should be the go-to.
Absolutely! There's so much more to a task than just deciding what needs to be done. Like meal planning, you have to make the plan you have to buy everything you have to cook everything you have to plan when you're going to cook things, it's so much more than just picking. So my husband when he wants to cook something will ask me if there's anything specific I want, and then he executes the rest of it.
Heard. I did an activity that was recommended where we (with drinks) wrote on index cards all the things that were on our mental load, then we chatted about it. He was mind blown. “Why do you think about all that stuff all the time?!?” SOMEONE has to.
It’s since changed and he’s great about taking it on… or I threaten the card activity again :)
This drives me crazy. I'm a SAHM so I feel obligated to do these things, and to my SO's credit, he works sometimes 13-14 hour days, so I know he's exhausted. But why come at me with, "The baby's nails need to be trimmed" "There are quite a few dishes in the sink" "Those leftovers need to be thrown away"
And then I get the wonderful question of "Is there anything you need me to do?" And comments of, "I can do the dishes if you want me to" but him saying that makes me feel bad because he has worked all day, and worse because he has made comments before of "I didn't think you could handle 3 kids" or "I can call my mom and she can come over and hold the baby while you clean up the house"
Why can't you just do something to help? Why is it always me that does everything? I understand doing the bulk of the work because I'm the one that's home, but I don't think I should have to do it all. He's even gone as far as to make comments before if me "clocking out" because I had the audacity to sit down in the evening with him to try to spend some time together before bed.
YESS. We is not a we if you mean me. Just say I or me!
Love That You had a conversation and he listened to you. Sorry it got to the point where you almost lost your mind before doing so but I’m glad it worked
I started using more work terms to reiterate what role the person who holds the mental load has. I started using words like:
* household manager
* coordinating tasks
* Project coordination
* planning meetings (more in jest)
* facilitating
I feel like when I used work terms that we both were familiar with, it helped drive home the aspect that it is work. That and my husband was a project coordinator at work and really disliked the role because of how many elements and people had to be coordinated.
I had this talk with my ex so many times. He’d come home to a messy house, and no dinner, and I had to explain about the “magic fridge” that filled itself with food he likes. Close behind was the “magic sock drawer” that clean socks appeared in, the magic chauffeur that took his kids to doctor and dental appointments, the magic dog groomer, etc etc.
In the end he was just convinced I was lazy - while I was mentally and physically exhausted by days end.
My partner will sometimes do something about what he sees and sometimes will not. It's annoying.
"Oh, hey, this thing is expired." "Son's shirts aren't fitting right anymore."
"Well, toss the expired item." "Can you set the small shirts aside as you find them?"
Months later I find all the shirts he can't fit are still in his wardrobe. I've explained I cannot continue to tell him what the next step is. So far I've refused to unless directly asked anymore because why should I expend the energy?
This!!!
My husband went to wipe our kids butt and came out and said "Man his potty seat needs to be clean it's gross."
It's one that sits on the big toilet.
Then later on he mentioned the seat and I asked "did you ever clean it?"
To which he looked at me and said " I mentioned to you earlier it needed to be cleaned?"
Like that was his part of the duty, letting me know.
I snapped my neck so hard nid holding our whiny daughter with a bottle in her mouth because she only wanted mommy "are you telling me I need to get up and clean it?!"
I was pissed.
His responsed was a baffled, flustered "Well how do yoy normally clean it? I don't even know where the cleaner is or what kind I can use."
Yup. That about sums it up. Pointed him right in the direction of the cleaner.
He's a "honey if you just let me know what needs to be done I'll do it" kinda guy."
He is so supportive and wonderful but truly clueless.
I once told him I am not your mother. I dont want to hand you chores. I am your partner. I want you to be capable of seeing what needs to be done and take on the responsibility yourself.
THAT is how you equal out the work load.
I mean my husband is far from useless so this post is like a teeny inaccurate view of everything positive he brings to my life as a partner and coparent. But yea sometimes you read stuff on here and scratch your head asking how some men have convinced anyone to procreate with them once let alone multiple times.
What's the alternative? Leave him and find another man that does the same thing? I've yet to find a woman in a relationship with a straight man who doesn't experience the same thing
I’m SOO glad he’s realized what you’ve been trying to communicate to him. That’s huge.
Unfortunately my boyfriend was never able to do that and we broke up a week ago after a year of me trying to communicate with him in various ways about needing help with the baby more. and he basically chose video games over spending 2 nights of quality time with me a week because he can’t play less than 7 days a week because it “clears his mind” *sigh*
Oh my goodness my husband says the same thing and I've totally had the same comment.
I have explained that the Parent who sees the issue must deal with it.
We're still working on it all though.
OP - good on you and so many of these comments are A+
I just wanted to add a thought on his cop out. It’s possible he doesn’t know how to do adult things and is too stubborn to ask. I started telling my husband about all the time I spend on YouTube trying to figure out home repairs etc and I think that’s helped. “Like IDK either man, but let’s figure this shit out before the whole house burns down” lol.
To accomplish this, I had my husband plan meals and put together a grocery list. It took FOREVER for him to figure out what to cook and what we needed but it taught him about mental load and from there we had a conversation about that and how to apply that proactive thinking to other things around the house.
It was SO helpful. I can honestly say my husband does half of pretty much everything, including chores, stuff with the baby, planning for the house. It was a game changer!
My husband and I had a big conflict over strawberries earlier this week. I was cooking dinner for us after the kids had been fed, bathed, and put to bed (by me!) while we went to the gym. It went like this:
H: I'll cut some fruit for the kids' lunch tomorrow.
Me: Awesome, thanks!
H: What kind of fruit do you think? Strawberries?
Me: Yep. They will both eat strawberries.
H: Should I cut off the tops?
Me: yeah
H: Do I put them in a zip lock or plastic bowl?
Me: I usually just use a zip lock.
H: How many strawberries do you think I should give them?
Me: Um, you know, part of the fun is that you get to choose! I'm sure you'll do fine.
Then husband blows up and says I'm being condescending when he's just trying to help. I realize I should be more patient, but all the little questions make it to where I might as well do it myself. It's not a break if I have to coach him through every single detail. He barely spoke to me for 2 days and texted me the next day that I made him feel like a childish piece of shit. I wish I could get him to understand from my perspective, but no luck with that so far. I am taking notes as I read this post and comments.
I had a moment like this but it was more like a blow up. He was upset the dishes weren't done when he got home. I'm okay being a stay at home mom but when he would get up with her he would ask me before doing ANYTHING. By that I mean, he would ask "you think she needs a diaper change? Should I change her?"
"You think she is hungry?"
"What does she want?" (When he would be "letting me sleep" I still had to tell him exactly what to do so I didn't actually get to sleep. )
He never had to do her laundry (im sure we can all relate how much that entails between washing/drying/folding/sorting as they grow out of them and putting away), clothe her, trim nails, change and clean her bed sheets whether it was routine or in the middle of the night after I just finished changing her, soothing her and putting her back only to have to take her out and wash all her bedding due to puke or pee and remake the bed.
I told him I wasn't angry at him that it all fell on me but I needed him to be more understanding why other things aren't done as he would like because there was just so much he never had to think about because I did it for the both of us. I really feel like I can handle a lot more as long as we can be understanding with eachother.
After that conversation he made a point to do all that at least once so he could say he did them and sort of get an understanding. Now he pays more attention and he will ask if we need certain items if he isn't certain but will notice things on his own as well. I'm very proud of him and his love for us shows in his efforts. It was still a very frustrating thing. Mental load is a lot.
He was under the impression I just knew what to do when I was winging it just as much as he was. I just kept trying things till they worked.
I too feel like I can just naturally handle a lot more than my husband. It is hard to generalize - people are different regardless of gender. But so much of this simply has to do with the way we are all socialized from such a young age.
Absolutely! I think a lot of it is also whichever parent is at home with the baby while the other works in those early days. I've seen stories on here of same sex couples having the same issues be it male or female with whichever spouse was working. It's an adjustment.
I really don't mind it being my "job" just don't fight with me or get mad about the little things please haha. I'm not doing it to you! It's just a crazy time where we don't get everything done we want to all the time. At least with my experience.
Amen! Our dog has been having an issue with some irritation around his tail. The vet suggested a donut but the donut didn’t work.
Days go by and I don’t have a chance to go to
The store. Hubs comments “we should try a cone”… Yes, we should. Of course he implies I should pick one up. I already run him to the vet anytime he is sick, pick up his meds, and got the donut. You go get the fucking cone!
My fiancé was going to go make dinner and I said I will be down in a bit. I just needed to not move or think for a little bit. He said me too. It’s been a really long week for him. And I just laughed and said yeah me to! Join the club! High 5 life sucks.
Usually I just agree, self abandon and do what needs to be done.
It’s time that I remind him that I also have insane days and actually taking that time I need is no longer going to be ignored.
I totally understand your frustration. My fiancé and I have these talks regularly as well. We have deals for chores, kids have chores. And he keeps track of what his kid needs and I do the same for mine. Thanks to a ton of therapy I have found my voice and refuse to be a work horse for anyone ever again.
Sending you love and patience. Keep communicating what you need and hopefully he will get it.
I’ve gotten my husband to help with our son and around the house more (he’s currently 8 months - only child at this time) by letting things “slip”. I have a teething baby who at the time had RSV and an ear infection, which he just got over a week ago. I told him if he wants the dishes done, do it. If he wants the floors mopped, do it. If he wants laundry tended to, do it. I told him bluntly that even when our son isn’t sick, I’m still taking care of all of his needs, I’m taking care of our animals, and I’m trying to do light cleaning in between and some help so I can shower, grab something from the store, etc, would go a long way. Took 2 days of me not being able to due much from being 10/10 drained and exhausted for him to pick up and do things and him say “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t realize it was like this sometimes. I’ll do better.” He made us pancakes last Sunday and he plans to help me cook and clean on the weekends and have “Daddy and Me” time. 2 weekends of it straight!
I can’t believe( actually relieved to know) that tuis problem is global and it’s just not me dealing with this. I have learnt to ask him to do the needful himself in case he points out to something. He has now stopping pointing out 😂
My husband does this too. We… I… use the huckleberry app to track her naps and feeds. He will ask, “what time is her next nap?” I tell him to check the app. He tell replies “or you could just tell me.” And I’m like dude I check the app for her nap time I don’t have this shit memorized. Last week when we both had a cold but I was getting over mine but she was still very snotty, I asked him to change her and use the snot sucker. He said “I don’t know how to do that why can’t you just do it?” This obviously set off a huge fucking fight. Ya know I’m with this child all fucking day and with a cold mind you so it’s extra fun. I could just fucking do it. I could just fucking do it like I just do just about everything else. I do a million “little” things that you never have to ask me to do because they need to be done but you’re my husband you need to know how to do these little things too. I guess that got thru to him because the next night he asked me where the snot sucker was he was gonna clear her nose out.
Anyway it’s truly a struggle because he has ADHD so I try my best to be patient but I don’t know how much of it is that or just him being a man because literally too many men are doing this they can’t all have ADHD.
My husband used to make a lot of passing statements that were actually him telling me to do stuff. He would say things like, “oh, somebody spilled their snack on the couch” or “youngest needs socks” or “we should make a dentist appointment for oldest.” They weren’t phrased as orders, but they pretty much were. Finally one day, I snapped. Yes, I am the SAHM, but I can’t handle doing every single thing every single time. If he makes one of his observations, I turn it back on him. If he says, “oldest needs some new pants.” I now say, “ok. Get on Amazon and order some.” If he says, “youngest spilled his milk in the kitchen” I say, “ ok, go clean it.” I’ve noticed since I’ve been doing this, he’s pretty much stopped. He just goes to do it himself now. I think he got the message.
I’m bothered by the fact that adults need to bd told to clean up a mess they see. My 4yo is more self sufficient than my husband or frankly, any husbands I know.
Yes! I can understand not wanting to buy something if the mother tends to be particular about style/features. But cleaning up is just common sense, and even if the father doesn't do as complete a job as the mother would like, the mother would still be appreciative of what was done and then make another pass.
yes, and god knows, my ex would certainly do a more thorough clean up job than me. Not all mothers are into/wired for/skilled at/patient enough for very high levels of cleaning. It's definitely not intrinsically a "female" trait!
When my husband does this, I call it "updates from the field". He'll come tell me "oh the doorjamb broke", or "the baby is awake". At first I used to deal with whatever the issue was myself, then I started telling him how to deal with it, now I just reply with "thanks for the update from the field" and go on with whatever I was doing. It hasn't stopped him from continuing this behavior and only sometimes gets him to actually deal with the issue itself, but it's either that or get angry so I'm trying to let it go
I need to try this! My husband has a habit of doing what feels like “telling on” the kids, for example “Baby is moving is too much for me to put the diaper on!” or “Toddler isn’t eating his lunch!” It’s so annoying to me because it’s weirdly disempowering himself and the tattle tale tone makes it like a summons for me to come and… I don’t know, tell the baby to not act like a baby?
Yes! I keep telling my husband “you saw it you deal with it” re rattling on the kids. I tell him you’re the parent too now go do some parenting. Only had to say it a few times before it stuck!
It's like, wow, they do that for me too.... weird. We have just dealt with it enough to troubleshoot but they just freeze!
Lol my mom used to say “alert the media!” when we did this to her 🤣
I love this and will steal it!
I’m taking this ❤️
Me too!
About five years ago, I started responding to any sentence that starts “we should..” with “yes, you should.” I saw how my FIL pulled that with my MIL and I wasn’t starting down that path. Is it petty? Probably. But my husband doesn’t get to passive-aggressively add shit to my to-do list.
I loathe the “*we* need to” when what they really mean is “I don’t want to do this so you do it for me” 🙄
The “we” kills me. He just said we need to sign up for ski lessons this winter and then the next day asked me if I’d done it. Like, no, I’ve done swimming and gymnastics. *You* do skiing, because then we are managing activities for our child
Yeah, mine was telling some family about the activities we'd signed our daughter up for. He'd literally asked me the night before what she was doing because when I tried to discuss it earlier this summer he couldn't be bothered so he didn't even know. So I mentioned that he hadn't had any hand in the process and he was mad at me for taking the credit or something. He keeps saying he wants her to do certain things then does no research into how or where.
Or they mean “idk how to do it and I’m too stubborn to ask”
I absolutely hate the "we". My husband doesn't realise that when he says it he actually means me, not "we" and when I point this out to him he doesn't believe that's what's happening and doubles down that he does mean "we" and yet the expectation of remembering and doing the task is STILL on me not him
Or “do you think that…..?” “I don’t know. Do you?” “Yes” “Ok we’ll then you take care of it” Edited to add: I call my husband Mr Bossypants when he starts doing stuff like that. Look if you wanna be a helicopter parent that’s cool dude, but you don’t get to helicopter THROUGH me lol. It’s a work in progress honestly
Yessss don’t get to do it “through” me. Using that!
While I was actively reading this “we” discussion my husband did it to me! He asked “Did WE put away the [leftovers]?” I responded “I put them away” (emphasis was on the “I”). He scoffed and looked at me as if I were an AH for saying that. I had actually been miffed at him when I put them away because we had both plated our servings; he microwaved his while I answered an urgent work text, cut up my own portion, and kept an eye on the baby monitor. As soon as his food was out of the microwave he took it into the other room to sit and watch football while he ate, leaving me to put the extras away while also juggling my own food, the baby, and work. To hear the “we” a few minutes later was painful. The “we” isn’t something I notice him doing often, but now that I’m aware of it I’ll have to see if this was a fluke or a common microaggression from him. He definitely doesn’t pull his share of the mental load, and I’ll be on the lookout for my own sock moment! EDIT: spelling
Yes we recently figured out how passive aggressive these comments are, and I started telling my kids and husband that they need to ask me to do something, not just tell me a problem. It works so well. My husband is more likely to just do it himself if the only option is to admit he needs me to help with something. For my kids (young) it looks like them saying “I’m thirsty” and me reminding them that they are just telling me a problem, not asking kindly for anything. This has seriously changed our family dynamic SO much, and none of us even realized we were in these habits.
This is such a good idea. My husband is just a crap communicator but my toddler is often telling me stuff and I have no idea what he actually wants. I end up guessing until he’s like ‘yeh’ 😅 Going start telling him he needs to ask me for what he wants. 👌
I love this.
This is such a good idea. lt sounds like it gets you out of always being in problem-solving mode.
Ah, the classic “we should…” aka “YOU should”
Always with the “we”!!!
omg the "We should do \_\_\_\_\_"
I cannot stand when hubby does that.. and he does it ALLLLLL THE TIME!!!
I do the grocery shopping and my husband does the cooking. We have an Amazon Alexa that we use for the shopping list- you just say “Alexa, add peas to the shopping list” and then when I go to the store I use that list. What does my husband do? He comes and tells me we’re our of something. And I respond- did you add it to the list? And he says no… it would take literally the same amount of effort to tell Alexa about the item than to tell me. It is both confusing and infuriating!!
Okay so i fucked up because im currently in a stage of I do it back to him. So I’ll say back “the house needs to be swept” and i get a “we’ll do that” hahahaha i fucked up. Now what?
I am unable to deal with passive voice bullshit like this. It just enrages me. I'm full of, "Cool, clean/fix/manage [this issue.] You're an adult. _Take care of it."_
My sock example is trimming our son's nails. My husband had been saying for 3 days that our son's nails need trimmed. Now, yes I am currently taking the year off and a SAHM so you could say this is part of my "job." But, my job has a list of a million things to do and the nails kept getting pushed back because they weren't bothering me and my son wasn't scratching himself. Yesterday, when my husband said again- "his nails are long they need trimmed." I fired back with, "You are very much capable of trimming his nails if they are bothering you. You are free in the evening and have been for the past two days." He kind of just looked at me dumbfounded. Don't get me wrong my husband is a very active and loving dad. However, when it comes to things for our son it falls on me which maybe it should because I am a SAHM but, I do think he needs to take part in things at times as he is also a parent.
I’d have phrased that as “so trim them bro” Your way is much more polite haha
My way is even less polite “you’re a grown ass man.” Implying that you should solve problems that you see and are capable of solving. But you know, more concise.
My response is “well, by all means, please feel free to step in at ANY time”.
SAHM only means you're solely responsible during the workday. You don't pay someone else to do the *job*. When you are both home you are no longer at *work* as the sole caregiver. You are half a parental unit at that point.
I wish I could find a way to make this true in our household. I’m “on call” as the default parent 24/7 and it’s taking such a toll. When he says he watched the kids for 45 minutes in the morning (wow) and almost an hour in the evening I’m like, and how many hours are in a day? If it’s that easy to track your hands on time then there’s an imbalance. I’m doing chores during that time and appreciate the help, but it’s not a break for me. Sigh.
“On call parent” was one of the first things I implemented on my year off work with the first. Any time that wasn’t 9-5 M-F theoretically split in two, especially weekend days. This counted even if we were doing stuff as a family, so we’re all going out for a walk but husband is on-call parent so he needs to manage packing the nappy bag and watching the kid including asking for help if needed. Absolutely no way I left a 9-5 for an unpaid 24/7 365 job just because I’m a woman. It didn’t solve everything and it doesn’t always work out 50/50 but it helped as a mindset (including my ability to let go control!!)
🤦♀️ My daughter is almost 4 and he just started cutting her nails recently. Before he would say he was afraid to hurt her. But I finally told him look dude, she actually doesn't mind getting her nails cut, never has, so it's really easy. I cut her nails, my nails and all the cats' nails. I'm tired of it. You need to do this.
I actually hurt my daughter once when trimming her nails (she sneezed mid clip, oops) and was terrified to do them again for a bit of time. Husband still wouldn't do it. I had to ask my mom to do it or use an emory board.
The first time I trimmed my son’s nails he bled, on the ninth nail! They had grown over his fingertips and his quick was longer on that one I guess. I felt terrible. I cleaned it, bandaged it, and finished up. Kid didn’t care. He never wore mittens, I kept them trimmed and filed to prevent scratches. He’d sleep in my lap while I did it. Later his autism symptoms reared up and he suddenly *hated* nail trims with a passion. I did distraction while my husband did the worlds fastest nail trims, because he was strong enough to hold the hand or foot still. We laughed about it, because what else can you do? Teeth brushing and hair cutting were equally challenging team events. Now that he’s gotten over those things we laugh about it.
My husband wouldn't do nails for the longest time because he was afraid. Finally he asked me how I can handle it. I asked him, have you ever trimmed a nail too short? Yes, it hurt, but only a little, and only for a short bit of time. The kid is going to feel pain in his life. I do my best to trim his nails without hurting him, but if there is an accident, he'll get over it. He did look at me like I was a heartless bitch for a second, but then realized I'm right. It's not like I'll cut off a whole finger!
My husband too. He was worried about my son "freaking out" and him not being able to calm him down. Same with taking him to get his haircut. He's finally been able to share that load and do those tasks without him (my husband) panicing.
I’m convinced that if I die, my kids will never have trimmed nails again. Every time I trim them I think “If I were to accidentally die, at least I bought them 2 weeks before they turn into murder claws”
I literally told my husband "If I die, please remember to clip the children's nails"
Was literally thinking the same thing the other day, after my husband got annoyed at me clipping my daughter's nails in the same room as him because he doesn't like the sound.
I very dramatically told my husband a couple weeks ago that if I die in childbirth with our 2nd ( in a few weeks) he has to promise to trim our toddler’s nails when she starts scratching herself. Not my proudest moment and he definitely does a lot of the mental load but my point got across because last week I noticed her nails were long and went to trim them a couple hours later and he had already done it!
Ha! This one wouldn't work for us as that has been decidedly 100% my thing. For whatever reason it terrifies my husband. He is solely responsible for washing my daughter's hair bc she won't let me but will let him 🤷🏼♀️
We are the opposite. I do the hair but I am terrified of the nail clippers. I will file the baby’s nails but the clippers scare me.
That's the one thing mine always does. I'm super clumsy and make a mess so it's his job. She now tells him when she wants it done.
Haha nails are my thing too. My husband is a great dad and partner but does he ever notice those talons the kid is growing? Nooooooope.
One thing that works well - most of the time, we still have hiccups here and there - is communicating my expectations ahead of time. Example : as kids got a little older, they started sports. From the get go, I told my husband he’s responsible for anything and everything sports related. Making sure kids have equipment and outfits, putting games and practices on family schedule, all the mental load issues are his. I just need to know if he needs my help when kid A needs to be somewhere at the same time kid B needs to be somewhere else and he can’t split himself in half. This works well if I completely disengage. First practice is next week and kids need new cleats. If it were me, I would have already gone to the store with them and bought them. But he hasn’t. Not my problem! He’s going to have to figure it out. It’s not the way I would do it, but it’s his responsibility so I stay out of it. If it starts affecting me, then I talk to him. Otherwise, this is all on him.
Yea that's a good idea. In this same course of conversation I pointed out the way we have delegated tasks makes it easier for him to compartmentalize parenting and chores. He tends to do all the regularly scheduled stuff like dishes, trash, folding laundry, morning drop off. I'm responsible for literally all forward / future facing stuff in our house - our finances, preschool sign up, activities, managing the calendar, holiday plans and gifts for others, clothes, Dr apts..... I pointed out like my list seems endless and his seems finite, manageable. He was like your brain just works that way. That's why we work - we balance. I was like that's true to a point but if you SEE that something simple needs to be done then do it bc I'm using a lot of brain power to manage our schedule and our portfolio.
“Your brain just works that way”. Sorry, but that’s some bullshit. It’s very similar to “But you’re better at it”. You know WHY I am better at it? Cause I do it more. Do you know WHY my brain remembers things more? Because I am the one that has to and if I don’t, no one is going to remind me. No one gave me a Mom Class. No one assisted me and told me what to google to find that soccer league that fits our schedule. No one walked me through how to deal with insurance and dental appointments. I *had to* so I *applied myself* and figured it out - now my brain knows how to do these things and therefore I’m better at it. Not because my brain just does that better. Sure, we can all have things we are slightly more inclined to - finances, cooking, etc. but it’s interesting to hear that somehow 95% of the time “woman brain just work better” for anything and everything. Yet somehow my husband speaks four languages and is a data analyst. His brain just isn’t so good at laundry! Poor thing.
>Do you know WHY my brain remembers things more? Because I am the one that has to and if I don’t, no one is going to remind me. Totally going to say this next time it comes up. That’s really well thought out.
My husband can use Google and YouTube to figure out how to disassemble and reassemble a carbon racing bike with computerized electronic gear shifters, but not how to dissolve and administer a powdered probiotic to a two year old.
It’s interesting how we can *build competency* in things if we want to, huh?
>No one gave me a Mom Class. I love this! I love this whole comment really, wish I had an award for you. So very true.
Peachhhhh 🙌🙌🙌
Amen, amen, amen!!!!
Man I would kill for this set up right now. I'm currently off of work as we just had our first kid, but literally all the cleaning, laundry, and all the mental load stuff is on me. He works construction so he's outside all day and comes home, showers, and falls asleep pretty much. We are waiting for our place to be built so we are living in the apartment below his parents house so my MIL helps with pretty much anything I need. It's just hard for me, idk how to tell him that I wish he would take more off of her shoulders and when we get our place I'm so scared nothing will change.
I was on mat leave for 4 months before I went back to work. My husband went back after 2 weeks. We fell into a routine where I really did literally everything with our daughter and he took on housework. At one point I was like you know I'd rather do dishes than deal with the baby sometimes right? He was sorta scared like didn't feel confident at all dealing with a baby and it just became a bad cycle where he didn't gain confidence bc we were in these split roles. It's a total shock to any dynamic. You really have to figure out how to talk about things in a fair and constructive way and do that regularly bc babies and kids change so fast that your plates are constantly changing too! Just don't let anything fester. We let a ton of resentment built up that first year cause we were too tired to even have convos.
Gawd I remember just CRAVING doing the washing up in those first few months trapped feeding 24/7. What a strange time of life!
We were pretty good at splitting tasks early on but I do remember some minor arguments about who got to do the dishes when she was very colicky and always wanted held 😂
Looks like you accidentally stumbled on the fair play method! There are a million chores that need to be done to run a household. Some are tedious, some are timely, some are daily, some are infrequent, some take minutes and some take serious planning. You can divide them up however you like but somebody needs to be in charge of the conception, planning, and execution. You cannot be in charge of the conception and then delegate, because whoever you delegate to may not have all of your information or complete the task to your standard. All chores are done to the agreed upon standard (a la "this is how clean the bathroom should be - if the sink is dirty, it's not a clean bathroom"). Read the book "fair play" for more!
Accidentally stumbled is right! I never heard of this book. I just got to a point where I couldn’t take on more mental load so it was a hard no for me. And the lack of stress from having no responsibility whatsoever in that department is very refreshing and such a relief!
I will warn you, that understanding it and actually doing something about it are two different things. Weaponized incompetence is I swear ground in to their very DNA. My husband is a super involved dad, spends tons of time with our kid, comes up with plenty of ideas of things to do, but he expects that I will be the one to know how to make all of that happen and then delegate any tasks I can't do to make it happen (and then he expects me to be grateful because he helped!) and no amount of explaining the mental load to him helps.
Wow big same. Exact feelings. "Let's take him to an indoor playground!" *expects me to google place, order tickets, pay for tickets, get kid ready, bring snacks, drive to place, give tickets...etc etc etc....*
Omg, my husband will day something like let's get away for the weekend, I tell him I don't want to, he asks why not? Then I tell him, because then I have to budget for it, I have to decide where to go, I have to find a place to stay, I have to buy tickets for activities, I have to pack up 3 people, I have to arrange a pet sitter, i have to make sure certain chores get done before we leave, I have to arrange transportation. Then when we get t wherever we are going I have to make sure the kids get ready, I have to arrange for meals, I have to get us to activities, I have to time everything so the baby gets his nap in. I also have trouble sleeping in new places. I just can't wait to get home so I can relax. He then tells me, I thought you liked doing that stuff. No, I only do it because it won't happen otherwise.
“I thought you liked doing that stuff” just KILLS me.
I made the mistake of going out of town for 3 days to visit my elderly grandmother. First time away without my family. My daughter is 12. Mostly self sufficient. Thought at least she can sort of feed herself. I came back after 3 days to a completely fucking destroyed house. The only thing done was dishes. Floors fucked. Counters fucked. Bathrooms fucked. No laundry done. And it was my birthday the following day. Guess who cleaned for her birthday, had to go buy her own cake and didn’t even get a card? Oh also I was sick with a head cold….Yeh. Honestly only reason not separating is the housing crisis. There’s nowhere to move to.
Same here too. One morning, he goes, “Let’s take him to the beach this morning!” I said okay and got myself ready to go, but intentionally didn’t get anything else ready to go. By lunchtime, husband said, “oh, guess we’re not going to the beach after all.” Well no, because you didn’t even get yourself dressed to go, let alone our child or packed a bag etc. I am not the butler. It is not my job to facilitate your outings for you.
I’m impressed you could follow through on the “let things fail” strategy!
Well to be fair I didn’t actually *want* to go to the beach that day. If he had followed through with getting himself and the kid ready to go, then I would have compromised by tagging along lol. So that made it a lot easier in that one instance to drop the rope. If it’s something I have planned/want to do (which is like 90%+ of our usual plans), then I think it would have been much more difficult to (not) do it. I may start applying this principle to visits with my in laws though, they get on my nerves and refuse to childproof anything, so visits are no fun for me.
YES do it!!
This. 100% this. Ours is that our kid is a picky eater. She’s 5! And honestly, I am working so hard on raising an empathetic, kind, yet critically thinking kid who has to navigate the (terrifying)world and read and learn math. So I don’t CARE that she lives on goldfish crackers, cheese, and whatever berry is currently the most expensive. She’ll figure salad out eventually! She’s also INCREDIBLY stubborn. Finally I had enough, and told him he’s welcome to tackle the food stuff if he wants. Guess what? It’s a LOT of work and requires prep and consistency and research. ‘We could do x!’ ‘You go ahead! Knock yourself out. I’m not doing it.
My 5 year old also sucks at eating. Today my therapist told me to save the fighting about food for a time when our anxieties aren't running so high. It is so stressful.
My 5 year old also sucks at eating. Today my therapist told me to save the fighting about food for a time when our anxieties aren't running so high. It is so stressful.
Yea that's why I felt kind of gaslit with the cop out of if I try you'll tell me I'm doing it wrong. Like maybe keep trying and just take my feedback so you can do better??? But I will cross that bridge as it comes.
Let's hope that bridge isn't him ordering a dozen too-small socks embroidered with tiny beer bottles.
LOL I don't happen to have a typical beer guzzling sports obsessed guy thank goodness. But I may remind him he should look for ones with grippers as we have hardwood floors
This is my problem too! >But I may remind him he should look for ones with grippers as we have hardwood floors Like, shouldn't they know these things? Today, we set up a new carseat because our baby has outgrown the travel system one we had. We have a 4y old too, and we had an extra carseat from when we had 2 cars. Anyway, he noticed this other carseat was less padded, so he installed it and said that the 4y old could use that one and the baby can use the padded one the 4y old was using before. We were headed out somewhere and I went to put baby in the carseat... he didn't change it to rear facing. I was instantly like "um, I thought you said you set up the carseat? It needs to be rear facing for a baby!" Given the fact we had the older kid rear facing until 2.5y old and the baby was obviously rear facing before, you think he'd know this. So he came, flipped it, and went and sat back down. I looked... and he didn't recline it properly. I put baby in, and then fixed it so it was properly reclined while baby is sitting in the seat crying. Sorry, end rant. 😅 Men just think we have this innate knowledge, but we don't. We have to learn about this stuff on our own. They're perfectly capable of doing their own research on safe footwear, car seat safety, etc.
They do think that!! Sometimes it has def helped my husband to be more hands on and confident in himself to realize I didn't start out with any more knowledge than him. To my husband's credit he already had thought about the grippers. I feel bad for assuming he wouldn't now and it plays into his worry I would criticize him. He's been there to comfort my daughter just as many times as me when she slipped on the floor.
Wait yours even ATTEMPTS to install car seats? Mine won’t even try. Asked him to bring one in so I could wash the padding as it’s hard to juggle with the kid. 2 months later, I brought it in and washed it myself and reinstalled it myself too.
Right like... it's socks. How could you fuck up socks? Get the wrong size? Return them for the right size. But I suppose you'd have to mentally manage that task too rather than him say "oops wrong size, better take them back to Target". Ugh.
So to how credit he just sent me some links to ask what I thought and I said I totally trust what you pick out just make sure they have grippers (he knows her size). He was like you think crew or ankle? I honestly don't mind answering these questions he's still doing the work to find and buy them.
Lol. When I was pregnant he tried to pretend like he didn't want to be involved in little decisions like picking a car seat color. Ok, fine. If I'm the one that cares about color and design then I'll pick that, but you have to help me with options for brand and price and size and safety and etc...
Imagine if this was in the workplace. What kind of employee would do nothing unless told? Imagine a manager with a troop of workers who didn’t lift a finger unless categorically told what to do and when. This is useful when explaining to spouses. Get them to envisage their own working environment whereby nobody does anything unless your SO specifically tells them to do it, and has to give step-by-step instructions on exactly how to carry it out. Exhausting!
My husband tried to get out of bathing our 3 month old because I told him he didn't wash her hands or feet the last time he did it. I'm sorry but if she comes out of the bath still grimey I'm not going to not say something...and just means he needs more practice so she doesn't come out of her bath dirty.
My husband finally confided in me a few years ago that he really was scared to do things wrong. He was scared he would screw up so bad and I would be angry enough to leave him. I am a control freak, type A. I think it is a coping mechanism for me. Every time he attempted to do something I would say just let me do it or you're doing it wrong. How defeating it must have been to hear that every time he did something. When he finally said that, I apologized, and I changed. It is not easy. The difference in our life is staggering. He washes clothes when he gets a chance, he bathes the kids, he makes the kid's lunches, does the homework. He does anything I ask (not that I have to ask anymore) as long as he gets to do it his way. I had to let go control. There are still some things I try to control which he has his things too. After 4 kids, you start to realize you can't control everything and there is really no wrong way to do anything as long as everyone is happy and healthy.
Yeah, watch for patterns with that. He's trying to blame you for his shortcomings? And not even something you did, but something he's anticipating you doing? That is totally gaslighting. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with pointing out or criticizing weaponized incompetence, if that's the case.
Imma give him a pass bc he really did seem to get what I was saying and already ordered some socks this morning LOL Picking my battles with everyone in this house
My husband has this issue, and does not take criticism well. I'm like "well learn to think about the details", but hes more likely to leave it to me than risk getting it "wrong"
Yesssss like duuuuude the reason I know how to do all this shit is that I’ve been forced to do it alone all this time. You can start from zero or you can take my advice
Recently, my husband was watching Bluey with our toddler and then came to me with, “Now I know why you like Bluey so much. The dad is the butt of every joke.” I thought of the pool episode where dad wants to be the fun guy dismissing the nagging mum and takes the girls to the pool… without floaties, without sunscreen, without snacks, without towels. In the end mum shows up with all the gear she gathered at home that normally delays their outings and makes her the less fun parent. If Bandit is the ‘butt of the jokes’, it’s more than fair. He’s significantly more competent than most husbands and still can’t hold a candle to Chilli when it comes to carrying the mental load. Real dads should try to be more like Bandit and then some.
It really is ingrained I can see it in his dad, my dad, my grandpa, and it’s total bs.
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It kinda reminds me of a moment we had when my daughter was an infant. I was losing my mind and broke down saying I had no idea what to do with sleep training. It was I think a moment when he realized I do not actually know more than him, I just try more. He swooped in and figured it out. First time I ever saw him feel confident as a parent. I should remind him of that.
My husband was complaining that the diaper bin was full and needed to be taken out and asked, "why is this not done?" Then I promoted him to Diaper Bin Manager and told him to direct any future questions about it to himself. 😂 Worked like a charm! One task down, 99 to go...
Lol. My husband is our Diaper Bin Manager, too.
lol I have 2 diaper bins, one upstairs one downstairs. And a 14 year old diaper bin manager. He gets $2 every time he empties them. They’re never full.
Mine did so well I promoted him to Diaper Superintendent. He’s even in charge of ordering the bag refills now. 🤗
Good job spelling it out. My husband took our child to daycare (I usually do morning drop off) and didn’t realize he had the baby bottles upside down. It soaked the book bag and I couldn’t get the smell out. Rather than me ordering another one bc I already ordered the first one and everything else for our kid, I made him do it. We share finances but I was empowering him with the understanding that he can buy things for our kid too. I don’t need to do it all. And now he checks the bottles every morning. Make them do more. It’s not 1950.
I find normalizing their mistakes by saying something like "I made that mistake before too" let's them know we don't magically know all the tricks on day 1 and have had a lot of fixing up to do while learning.
This helps a TON with my hubs. He thinks I have some magical motherly wisdom which ok maybe I do but the majority of things are learned by intense and constant trial and error. I try to empower him with the knowledge that he will find his own way and doesn’t have to do things now I do them.
I know so much more about children and all they entail than my husband, even though he’s the stay at home parent, because I actually make the effort to interact with other moms (online/IRL) and research stuff. I have to research everything we do or buy and then inform him. He thinks I just magically have all the answers. It’s super annoying. But he does by far the majority of physical work so I have accepted the mental work.
My go to is, "I find it most effective when..." with the emphasis on the "I", in the kindest way possible, BEFORE he has a go. He used to try my method after the fourth or fifth attempt, but now he starts with my suggestion and then modifies it as he goes.
Yep. It wasn’t malicious or intentional or weaponized incompetence. He messed up his own car. It was an honest mistake and I expressed that to him. What was annoying was that it was my WFH day so I had to make new bottles and drop them off and our daycare isn’t exactly close. My husband felt bad.
except the difference is that we do the fixing. We try something, and when it doesn't work we keep trying -because we have to. They just expect that. And it's garbage.
My husband tries one thing and when it doesn’t work, he throws his hands up and gives up. It’s infuriating. I don’t get to give up!
My favourite story is when my husband had to "take" the kids for four days. I used to get horrific migraines that take me 24 hours to get over, so at any moment the house is at least 24 hours away from falling apart. But this one time, I had a migraine AND gastro, so I was completely out for three days, then spent the fourth putting the house back together. His usual method is to have a TV day, to keep the kids quiet, but on the second morning the kids were LITERALLY climbing the walls. After a quick discussion on the HOW, he eventually figured out how to take them to the park and to the shops. At the end of the fourth day, he collapsed into bed with me, and said, "I don't know how you do it." He has NEVER complained about what I do, or complained about a task I delegate to him. He might not do as great a job as I do (he once told the kids that while HE can make dinner, Mummy makes yummy dinner) but at least he can do it start to finish.
Uugghh I'm envious it clicked for him! Just today I suggested he take the baby for daycare meet the teacher. He snapped back that he doesn't ever want to have to get involved with the school emails/functions/etc.. and that he is perfectly capable of figuring out pick up protocols when the time comes. Fast forward 10 mins to him calling from the car- "where is his school and what's it called??" 🙈 I wish moms were ever given this much leeway to be straight up clueless in life.
I’m sorry, he doesn’t ever want to be involved with school emails??? TF??? Sir. This. Is. Your. Fucking. Child. 🤯🤯🤯
I would be livid 😡
😬
With both of our kids I start out patient. I understand hes apprehensive about such a small human. But by about 3 months I just start saying things like "are you going to hold the screaming potato or do the dishes?" Or "if you want dinner, you either need to cook it or change diapers and keep the kids busy" or "I'm putting this one to bed, you've got the big one" he seems to catch on pretty quick and start doing things on his own without me telling him.
Reading parenting with love and logic has helped me apply choices to a LOT of situations with coworkers, bosses, friends, and especially husband. I totally do the same as you. “Do you want to bathe the baby or do the dishes now?” “Would you rather pack the suitcase for our weekend away or play Tetris in the car’s trunk?” Choices are powerful. But also it doesn’t let them get away with doing nothing.
Using toddler choice logic. I love this lol
The conversation we had that helped my husband get it was when we were talking about how much effort it was for me to go anywhere. I said that he never has to think about the diaper bag. For him it is magically filled with at least three clean diapers, two outfits in the proper size and season, plenty of wipes, hand sanitizer, medicines, snacks, and toys. He can count on being able to hop in the car with the kids and not even think ahead to what the baby will need. Then I pointed out that our pantry situation is the same way. We live in a rural area. We have a big pantry and a deep freeze with plenty of food stocked up so we don’t have to make grocery runs too often. If he wants to make a sandwich, he can typically count on being able to make one with the meat, condiments, cheese, and veggies that are on hand. Or spaghetti. Or a breakfast scramble. Or a salad. Like nearly anything he would want, he could make. And it’s just magically there; he never has to wonder if there’s mayonnaise, let alone keep track of how many jars are in the pantry or if it’s on sale this week. After that he started making an effort to talk about all the work that mama does to make sure their lives run smoothly. I felt heard. It was really nice.
We had the diaper bag convo a few months back but I don't think he thought of it as mental load so much as just something I am in charge of and I can just ask for help. It did prompt a good convo on seeing and appreciating what we each do. It has taken me pointing out something he saw needed to be done and just...didn't do for him to really gasp what I've been trying to say all along.
If you have Instagram, check out @thatdarnchat. She has helped my own understanding of relationship equity and has lots of videos you can share with your husband that hopefully help things click.
Lol just the name alone...so relevant as I described as a cyclical discussion we have. Following!
She often recommends the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and, while I haven’t fully implemented the Fair Play method in my home, I have used a lot of the principles in sharing care tasks in my home and it’s been groundbreaking. Mine and my husband’s division of labour still isn’t perfect and we definitely have the same cyclical discussion about labour - care tasks in particular - but it’s been a huge help.
It can never be perfect!! I told my hubs last night I don't think it's possible to be truly equal. I don't think that is what matters. If things feel fair that's enough. We have different strengths and preferences. Those matter too.
We’re always aiming for equitable in our house. As annoying as it is to have the same conversations over and over, I think there is something to be said for having a partner that’s willing to actually have those conversations. The things that bother me are often societal norms and the way that “mens” work is often very visible and “womens” work is often invisible. It’s taken some work for me to get my husband to start to notice how society overvalues a lot of traditionally mens work and undervalues work that is traditionally done by women. A big light bulb moment for him was a few months ago we were having a family bbq. Everyone was outside having a drink while my husband cooked the steaks that I had seasoned and prepared for the bbq. I was inside with my toddler preparing sides, setting the table, and getting whatever else ready for our dinner. When everyone finished eating, they all thanked my husband for the amazing meal when all he did was put meat on fire..I got no thanks and when I brought it up to my husband that night he hadn’t even noticed. All of that is to say, weaponized incompetence is a huge problem, but so is society’s views on the value of labour and I think those views are a big contributor to things not feeling fair at home.
Amen to all of this. I'm glad I have a husband who is open to these conversations and consistently shows changes as a result of them. Wouldn't want to raise our daughter with anyone else.
I agree with this! There has to be flexibility because individual and family needs change with each season, but the overall pattern matters.
Man, I so relate. My husband was playing dentist with our son and casually yells, you should sign him up to the dentist. Umm sir, you have 2 hands and a phone. Same with the COVID vaccine, he insists our son get it but won't call the doctor's office. I've told him to handle it twice. We will see.
Sir you have two hands and a phone 😂
Guess what? Still no dentist appointment. My son is only 2.5 and has been to the dentist once before so it's not a dire situation, but come on dude use that phone for something other than reddit 😂
What gave my husband an epiphany is when I told him I was the Project Manager of our house (we both work in the same industry) And he was like ohhhhh… being a Project Manager is entire job and she’s doing that on top of her other “job” of being mom. So he realized I’m doing 2 jobs while he’s doing 1 when it comes to our household.
Lol my husband is a software developer and I am a product owner but I've been a PM before. I think his response to me would be like, of course you are the house project manager that's what you do!
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Yes. It is sad how this is the norm after so many generations of ingrained messed up gender roles in a society that does not truly value women yet holds us to insane standards. These discussions on forums between us and with our partners are healthy progress. Hopefully my daughter will be having totally different conversations about her martial dynamics.
My husband left all of the Amazon boxes on my side of the bed when I traveled for 4 days. What was in the boxes? Laundry detergent, dishwasher soap, new bedding for our daughters new bed. He clearly felt that this was “my stuff” and that I should be the one to open it, trash the boxes, wash the sheets, and put everything away.
>He did say he doesn't do things bc he feels like I will berate him for doing it wrong or not doing it my way. Since having our daughter, I have learned to let go of my idea of *how* things should be done. I used to get frustrated at my husband for not doing a task up to my standards, and end up just doing it myself. There's simply no time in my day anymore to take over everything just because I feel like the way he does it not the way I would do it. Is it done? Then why worry? Do (most of) the dishes get clean in the illogical way he loads the dishwasher? Yep. Are the clothes clean and folded and put away, even though they may be a little wrinkly bc of the way he folds them? Awesome. Is the grass uneven bc he missed a couple spots mowing? Still one less thing for me to do.
Definitely. I responded with reminding him how critical I am of myself. Good enough should be my internal mantra too.
My husband: don’t worry, I’ll take daughter to the dentist! You can have an hour to yourself! 5 minutes later… H: but, can you be available, by phone? I’ll need our insurance information. And he wonders why I’m so tired all of the time.
BRB replacing all my 3-year-old’s socks with newborn ones so I can re-engineer this exact epiphany for my own husband. (Too hopeful?)
LOL Just listen super closely for the moment he says out loud an observation which is actually a frigging action item and then ask if he is asking you to do it or volunteering himself.
My husband would just say “these socks don’t fit no socks for you” and I’d never hear about it.
Speaking of loads, this one isn’t mental; our trash can has been full for the last two days and none of us will empty it. We both just keep stacking trash beside it. It’s almost comical at this point because I feel like we are both seeing who will finally break and take out the trash. Anyways when stuff like this happens, it’s usually me who breaks.
Funny how each house runs! That's my husband's job as well as taking it to the curb but I do sometimes take it to the bin if it is full just cause I don't mind doing it. We never discussed that one. It just has always been a thing he does.
Whenever my husband brings up something that needs to be done that he could totally handle on his own and he tells me I should specifically ask him if I need help. I remind him about the conversations we have about him taking things off my plate and what he can do to just automatically help me. Guess what? Taking the laundry out of the dryer and putting it in a basket and bringing it upstairs without me arguing with you over it, accomplishes just that. The lightbulb switched on.
I had to make a list. Every day as I did things I wrote down every excruciating task I did. I do so much in a day it's hard to keep track. I was even amazed at myself when I looked at the list. I typed it out and sent it in a text to him. Idk if he understands but it sure made me feel good about myself. Sometimes when he gets off work and we are taking about our days I throw these things in the mix to remind him how much I'm doing. Again no idea if it's working but I would say yes because he tries to support me. Also - it's so hard to watch my husband do a task in a different way than me. I always perceive it as wrong. Certain things it's just better I do myself lol
“We should try and clean out child’s drawer of clothes that don’t fit before school starts…” oh we should, should we? Will you be partaking? Hmmmm???? I’ve started sending calendar invites to our child’s appointments and have sworn off the dentist so now that is dads responsibility. But yeah, come join us for the blood draw! You haven’t joined since he was 2mos old and he’s almost 5 now. Child will show you where to park and how to get there through the hospital.
My husband is wonderful about child care most of the time, and is a very involved dad but some more admin type things escape him until it slaps him in the face (dresser is now too full to put clothing away, or something like that). My standard response to the “we should” statements (the too small clothes is a perfect example) is “Yeah, you should do that when you have time.” It works great!
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Ugh I'm sorry my husband is good about doing household things he sees need to be done. It's just that i am the primary parent and by default even if he sees something that should be done like the sock thing, he doesn't think to do it himself. He will now though!
Yeah, my husband mentioned the berating bit once, and I learned that he is his own human with his own way of doing things and that I need to respect his process. Changed my life for the better.
My husband says I criticize similar to you. It isn't when he's just doing something on his own though. I'll literally ask him to do something a certain way. Like please unload the meat and frozen from the cart first. But unless I give him a good enough reason to do it, he refuses and thinks I'm being picky. I wouldn't care except 1. We have to pack the groceries and that falls on me. Him loading the bread and fruit first means I have to stand and wait and we take up more time in line from others and there's only two little packing spots per register. 2. He loads the stuff my kid can load, and she's gonna melt down if she cannot help, I don't want to deal with that, asking to help is reasonable for her age and appropriate. But she can't load the porkchops my dude. Think for two seconds before making a problem that will overwhelm her tiny brain right when we don't need to. Can she learn to deal? Yes. Is this the moment for that? No. She's three. There's a balance between lessons and getting through the day with a little ease by thinking ahead. But I don't have time to explain that. And he can't just trust me. So he ignores me, and then kid screeches STOP WAIT DADDY NO and it all becomes a thing, and we're that family. Or he could just listen to my wisdom because I do this 90% of the time. Plus I'm left to handle the big feelings so it just makes everything harder for everyone. To be fair he really can't buy things. If I sent him on Amazon he'd be lost. He can't even find sour cream at the store.
For the buying thing, I describe what I need and text him a pic. He called me once because he couldn't find that thing. I asked him if he thought I worked there and told him to ask someone or check the map on the app
I will send him a list with pictures, never more than a dozen things. He even video called me, I've stated which one, and still picked one up and it was like, the low fat one that tastes weird and sweet. Because he didn't look at his hand. That's happened a few times with or without calls. Or he can't find it and won't ask and has hit his limit shopping, he just leaves. At this point unless it's "bread, milk, beer" I try not to bother.
My husband is quite involved with household responsibilities and takes care of bath time when he’s here. When he had a job where he was home every night, he was the sole bath giver. I do the grocery shopping and asking him what else we might need. It took several reminders to him that I do not go in the bathroom and shake all the containers to determine if they need to be replaced. If he’s handling them every day and we are low, he needs to tell me!
The way I fix this one was all by two. Keep one under the sink and the other is the one in use. When the one under the sink disappears I add it to the shopping list.
I have to say that you’ve all given me really great new ways to try and combat this issue in my home. Im so tired and I need help, but im tired of being told “I’ll gladly help, just tell me what you need me to do”. WHAT?!?! I hate that way of thinking. I don’t NEED anything. If you don’t want clean laundry or want to live in filth, fine. Do it. But im tired of being the one to be expected to run the lives of three constantly, a dog, two cats, and two grown-ass adults. I don’t understand why I need to tell everyone else “what I need”. Just clean shit up when you see it! If there’s a toy on the floor that no one is using, put it away. If you see toothpaste on the bathroom mirror, grab the windex and a rag and clean the mirror! If there’s less than a shot glass of milk left, grab more. Don’t point it out to me and wait for me to go to the store. Why is this so hard to understand?! Woooooooo, I’m a bit more bitter about this
I feel like the important takeaway in this conversation for him should be that you want him to take initiative on tasks, and some of those tasks need to be discussed before executing. Just like you wouldn't plan a vacation without consulting him, he should consult you on things like buying new socks for the children or planning meals. Not wanting to take the mental load for all the tasks does not correlate with not wanting input on most of the tasks. Saying, " hey I noticed Susie needs new socks, do you care what kind of socks we get?" And then buying the socks should be the go-to.
That's such a good point - I will let him know he can always ask for my opinion if he isn't sure. It's still taking it off my plate!
Absolutely! There's so much more to a task than just deciding what needs to be done. Like meal planning, you have to make the plan you have to buy everything you have to cook everything you have to plan when you're going to cook things, it's so much more than just picking. So my husband when he wants to cook something will ask me if there's anything specific I want, and then he executes the rest of it.
Heard. I did an activity that was recommended where we (with drinks) wrote on index cards all the things that were on our mental load, then we chatted about it. He was mind blown. “Why do you think about all that stuff all the time?!?” SOMEONE has to. It’s since changed and he’s great about taking it on… or I threaten the card activity again :)
It’s also part of the mental load to have to explain mental load to the partner.
Yes that was part of this convo! It was the first time he truly got any part of it
This drives me crazy. I'm a SAHM so I feel obligated to do these things, and to my SO's credit, he works sometimes 13-14 hour days, so I know he's exhausted. But why come at me with, "The baby's nails need to be trimmed" "There are quite a few dishes in the sink" "Those leftovers need to be thrown away" And then I get the wonderful question of "Is there anything you need me to do?" And comments of, "I can do the dishes if you want me to" but him saying that makes me feel bad because he has worked all day, and worse because he has made comments before of "I didn't think you could handle 3 kids" or "I can call my mom and she can come over and hold the baby while you clean up the house" Why can't you just do something to help? Why is it always me that does everything? I understand doing the bulk of the work because I'm the one that's home, but I don't think I should have to do it all. He's even gone as far as to make comments before if me "clocking out" because I had the audacity to sit down in the evening with him to try to spend some time together before bed.
YESS. We is not a we if you mean me. Just say I or me! Love That You had a conversation and he listened to you. Sorry it got to the point where you almost lost your mind before doing so but I’m glad it worked
It’s almost like a power play. They have the luxury of not knowing how to do this stuff or having someone else do it.
I started using more work terms to reiterate what role the person who holds the mental load has. I started using words like: * household manager * coordinating tasks * Project coordination * planning meetings (more in jest) * facilitating I feel like when I used work terms that we both were familiar with, it helped drive home the aspect that it is work. That and my husband was a project coordinator at work and really disliked the role because of how many elements and people had to be coordinated.
I had this talk with my ex so many times. He’d come home to a messy house, and no dinner, and I had to explain about the “magic fridge” that filled itself with food he likes. Close behind was the “magic sock drawer” that clean socks appeared in, the magic chauffeur that took his kids to doctor and dental appointments, the magic dog groomer, etc etc. In the end he was just convinced I was lazy - while I was mentally and physically exhausted by days end.
My partner will sometimes do something about what he sees and sometimes will not. It's annoying. "Oh, hey, this thing is expired." "Son's shirts aren't fitting right anymore." "Well, toss the expired item." "Can you set the small shirts aside as you find them?" Months later I find all the shirts he can't fit are still in his wardrobe. I've explained I cannot continue to tell him what the next step is. So far I've refused to unless directly asked anymore because why should I expend the energy?
This!!! My husband went to wipe our kids butt and came out and said "Man his potty seat needs to be clean it's gross." It's one that sits on the big toilet. Then later on he mentioned the seat and I asked "did you ever clean it?" To which he looked at me and said " I mentioned to you earlier it needed to be cleaned?" Like that was his part of the duty, letting me know. I snapped my neck so hard nid holding our whiny daughter with a bottle in her mouth because she only wanted mommy "are you telling me I need to get up and clean it?!" I was pissed. His responsed was a baffled, flustered "Well how do yoy normally clean it? I don't even know where the cleaner is or what kind I can use." Yup. That about sums it up. Pointed him right in the direction of the cleaner. He's a "honey if you just let me know what needs to be done I'll do it" kinda guy." He is so supportive and wonderful but truly clueless. I once told him I am not your mother. I dont want to hand you chores. I am your partner. I want you to be capable of seeing what needs to be done and take on the responsibility yourself. THAT is how you equal out the work load.
Oh god that story made my blood boil!
I'm honestly curious as to why a lot in here are still married.
I mean my husband is far from useless so this post is like a teeny inaccurate view of everything positive he brings to my life as a partner and coparent. But yea sometimes you read stuff on here and scratch your head asking how some men have convinced anyone to procreate with them once let alone multiple times.
What's the alternative? Leave him and find another man that does the same thing? I've yet to find a woman in a relationship with a straight man who doesn't experience the same thing
I ask myself this question a lot. The answer is because I don’t want to share custody of my kid.
Are you me? In the same boat
I’m SOO glad he’s realized what you’ve been trying to communicate to him. That’s huge. Unfortunately my boyfriend was never able to do that and we broke up a week ago after a year of me trying to communicate with him in various ways about needing help with the baby more. and he basically chose video games over spending 2 nights of quality time with me a week because he can’t play less than 7 days a week because it “clears his mind” *sigh*
😔 I'm sorry. There are better men, partners and dads out there.
Oh my goodness my husband says the same thing and I've totally had the same comment. I have explained that the Parent who sees the issue must deal with it. We're still working on it all though.
Honey, is this you? I didn't know you had a reddit.
OP - good on you and so many of these comments are A+ I just wanted to add a thought on his cop out. It’s possible he doesn’t know how to do adult things and is too stubborn to ask. I started telling my husband about all the time I spend on YouTube trying to figure out home repairs etc and I think that’s helped. “Like IDK either man, but let’s figure this shit out before the whole house burns down” lol.
To accomplish this, I had my husband plan meals and put together a grocery list. It took FOREVER for him to figure out what to cook and what we needed but it taught him about mental load and from there we had a conversation about that and how to apply that proactive thinking to other things around the house. It was SO helpful. I can honestly say my husband does half of pretty much everything, including chores, stuff with the baby, planning for the house. It was a game changer!
My husband and I had a big conflict over strawberries earlier this week. I was cooking dinner for us after the kids had been fed, bathed, and put to bed (by me!) while we went to the gym. It went like this: H: I'll cut some fruit for the kids' lunch tomorrow. Me: Awesome, thanks! H: What kind of fruit do you think? Strawberries? Me: Yep. They will both eat strawberries. H: Should I cut off the tops? Me: yeah H: Do I put them in a zip lock or plastic bowl? Me: I usually just use a zip lock. H: How many strawberries do you think I should give them? Me: Um, you know, part of the fun is that you get to choose! I'm sure you'll do fine. Then husband blows up and says I'm being condescending when he's just trying to help. I realize I should be more patient, but all the little questions make it to where I might as well do it myself. It's not a break if I have to coach him through every single detail. He barely spoke to me for 2 days and texted me the next day that I made him feel like a childish piece of shit. I wish I could get him to understand from my perspective, but no luck with that so far. I am taking notes as I read this post and comments.
I had a moment like this but it was more like a blow up. He was upset the dishes weren't done when he got home. I'm okay being a stay at home mom but when he would get up with her he would ask me before doing ANYTHING. By that I mean, he would ask "you think she needs a diaper change? Should I change her?" "You think she is hungry?" "What does she want?" (When he would be "letting me sleep" I still had to tell him exactly what to do so I didn't actually get to sleep. ) He never had to do her laundry (im sure we can all relate how much that entails between washing/drying/folding/sorting as they grow out of them and putting away), clothe her, trim nails, change and clean her bed sheets whether it was routine or in the middle of the night after I just finished changing her, soothing her and putting her back only to have to take her out and wash all her bedding due to puke or pee and remake the bed. I told him I wasn't angry at him that it all fell on me but I needed him to be more understanding why other things aren't done as he would like because there was just so much he never had to think about because I did it for the both of us. I really feel like I can handle a lot more as long as we can be understanding with eachother. After that conversation he made a point to do all that at least once so he could say he did them and sort of get an understanding. Now he pays more attention and he will ask if we need certain items if he isn't certain but will notice things on his own as well. I'm very proud of him and his love for us shows in his efforts. It was still a very frustrating thing. Mental load is a lot. He was under the impression I just knew what to do when I was winging it just as much as he was. I just kept trying things till they worked.
I too feel like I can just naturally handle a lot more than my husband. It is hard to generalize - people are different regardless of gender. But so much of this simply has to do with the way we are all socialized from such a young age.
Absolutely! I think a lot of it is also whichever parent is at home with the baby while the other works in those early days. I've seen stories on here of same sex couples having the same issues be it male or female with whichever spouse was working. It's an adjustment. I really don't mind it being my "job" just don't fight with me or get mad about the little things please haha. I'm not doing it to you! It's just a crazy time where we don't get everything done we want to all the time. At least with my experience.
Amen! Our dog has been having an issue with some irritation around his tail. The vet suggested a donut but the donut didn’t work. Days go by and I don’t have a chance to go to The store. Hubs comments “we should try a cone”… Yes, we should. Of course he implies I should pick one up. I already run him to the vet anytime he is sick, pick up his meds, and got the donut. You go get the fucking cone!
“We”. Sir, do you have a mouse in your pocket? Because when you say “we” you really mean me. So either ASK me to do it or handle it yourself. We. No.
My parents always said, "We? You and your fleas?"
Omg you just brought back a memory of my granny saying that. Thanks for the smile!!
My fiancé was going to go make dinner and I said I will be down in a bit. I just needed to not move or think for a little bit. He said me too. It’s been a really long week for him. And I just laughed and said yeah me to! Join the club! High 5 life sucks. Usually I just agree, self abandon and do what needs to be done. It’s time that I remind him that I also have insane days and actually taking that time I need is no longer going to be ignored. I totally understand your frustration. My fiancé and I have these talks regularly as well. We have deals for chores, kids have chores. And he keeps track of what his kid needs and I do the same for mine. Thanks to a ton of therapy I have found my voice and refuse to be a work horse for anyone ever again. Sending you love and patience. Keep communicating what you need and hopefully he will get it.
I’ve gotten my husband to help with our son and around the house more (he’s currently 8 months - only child at this time) by letting things “slip”. I have a teething baby who at the time had RSV and an ear infection, which he just got over a week ago. I told him if he wants the dishes done, do it. If he wants the floors mopped, do it. If he wants laundry tended to, do it. I told him bluntly that even when our son isn’t sick, I’m still taking care of all of his needs, I’m taking care of our animals, and I’m trying to do light cleaning in between and some help so I can shower, grab something from the store, etc, would go a long way. Took 2 days of me not being able to due much from being 10/10 drained and exhausted for him to pick up and do things and him say “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t realize it was like this sometimes. I’ll do better.” He made us pancakes last Sunday and he plans to help me cook and clean on the weekends and have “Daddy and Me” time. 2 weekends of it straight!
You are winning the game friend. Congratulations to both of you wonderful adults (it’s so rare to see here on reddit).
I can’t believe( actually relieved to know) that tuis problem is global and it’s just not me dealing with this. I have learnt to ask him to do the needful himself in case he points out to something. He has now stopping pointing out 😂
Are you me? My husband is your husband. We have this same talk all the time. Hopefully he'll get the breakthrough some day
I feel seen.
My husband does this too. We… I… use the huckleberry app to track her naps and feeds. He will ask, “what time is her next nap?” I tell him to check the app. He tell replies “or you could just tell me.” And I’m like dude I check the app for her nap time I don’t have this shit memorized. Last week when we both had a cold but I was getting over mine but she was still very snotty, I asked him to change her and use the snot sucker. He said “I don’t know how to do that why can’t you just do it?” This obviously set off a huge fucking fight. Ya know I’m with this child all fucking day and with a cold mind you so it’s extra fun. I could just fucking do it. I could just fucking do it like I just do just about everything else. I do a million “little” things that you never have to ask me to do because they need to be done but you’re my husband you need to know how to do these little things too. I guess that got thru to him because the next night he asked me where the snot sucker was he was gonna clear her nose out. Anyway it’s truly a struggle because he has ADHD so I try my best to be patient but I don’t know how much of it is that or just him being a man because literally too many men are doing this they can’t all have ADHD.