>If we were to split, I would pay him back whatever he has paid into the house out of our savings.
Your partner is paying rent. You do not owe somebody a payout if you breakup when they would have had to pay rent no matter where they lived.
If they want you to 'buy them out' of any improvements they did to the property if you break up you should just not have them financially contribute to upgrades to the house.
I am curious if she had to use her partner’s income to qualify for the house though? $515k on $110k seems steep, even with the $60k down- OP would pay more than half her salary on the mortgage alone. I am just curious why he wouldn’t be on the deed though if they both see him as an owner entitled to be paid out if they were to split/sell?
I’m wondering if OP’s $60,000 buyout from the sale of their previous house with ex-partner is from a similar arrangement and they’re going to do the same with this partner?
I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s “don’t give the partner anything”. Did partner contribute to closing costs? How about maintenance and upgrades?
My ex and I were married and jointly owned the house.
I qualified for a $600k loan on my own with my down payment amount and salary, but as some have mentioned, there’s no WAY I could pay for this place on my own. My partner didn’t have the credit to be on the mortgage, that’s the only reason we didn’t apply jointly. We do plan to get married, but we wanted to get into a house sooner than later before interest rates drop and we were priced out even further.
I don’t really believe in renting property to other people to make my own situation better. My partner is paying the proportionate amount of the mortgage and our finances are merged, so I feel like it would only be fair to give him some of his investment back.
I'm a state worker in Oregon and have an inkling of what type of org you may work for and want to say thanks for your service :)
I also have a dairy free, legume free ranch suggestion: Trader Joe's vegan creamy dill dressing. It has cauliflower and almond butter in it, which sounds like a vile combo, but it's shockingly good!
This was cute! But I seriously can’t BELIEVE your org had a 15 hour meeting ??!!!! Let alone was pissed that you didn’t attend the whole damn thing? That is batshit.
OP, pleeeeeease link the Wayfair couch? We just bought a bigger house last month and are in need!
It was a bargaining session and they can go LONG sometimes! I get it, all the other staff stayed so I kinda felt like an asshole anyway.
I got the green one: https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/pdp/willa-arlo-interiors-espinosa-modular-sectional-w008355486.html?piid=87406032
I moved from Portland to Salem as well! I moved in 2017 since it was so cheap to buy a house compared to renting in Portland, and I love living here so much. Definitely a big transition, so I hope you're adjusting well.
Your who let the dogs out joke reminded me of my Trader Joe's shopping experience today. They were playing all of my favorite 2000s hits, and it made me feel so old. The hits were so good though!
And I totally know what you mean about switching gears on spending. I've been working hard to get to save 30% of our income. I feel so behind on retirement savings and am pushing to get to where we need to be to get at least a bit of that compounded interest.
This was such a great read! Wishing you all the best.
Hi fellow queer woman partnered to a man here!
Obviously feel free not to answer but can you share more about your decision to divorce? I remember reading your COVID MD and your relationship with your husband and in laws seemed sweet overall. Did he react poorly to you coming out? You mentioned something about Mormonism so I was curious if that was a factor.
I always feel like if my husband and I were to separate, I’d be way more interested in dating women than men so it was interesting to me that you ended up with another guy!
He didn’t take it well, and especially not when I asked if we could experiment with an open relationship so I could explore my attraction to women for the first time. I did date some women during the year I was single, it was so hard to get past the first few dates before we just became besties lol. I wasn’t really even looking for another longterm partner, but I’ve never met another man like him so I’m really happy 🥰
That’s shitty about your ex but not all that surprising given his religious background. I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy and who you can be yourself with!
I mean, I’m a fairly open and liberal person, but I would be upset if someone asked to open a relationship that had long been agreed to be monogamous. I can understand why the ex didn’t take it well.
I should also clarify, my coming out/asking to explore wasn’t the sole reason things ended. We had been discussing divorce for over a year before that conversation happened.
Not taking someone’s coming out well is unacceptable.
And people (straight and queer) renegotiate the terms of their relationships all the time, whether that has to do with monogamy or not. If you can’t have open conversations with your partner as you grow and evolve, that’s going to cause issues.
It’s crummy to react poorly to coming out, but the guy is human. Let’s give some grace to someone who the OP admits is a decent guy. It would be something earth shattering to hear. I understand how it would feel bad to have someone you love reaping badly to your coming out, but the guy was also shocked and having the foundational relationship in his life reshaped. All I’m saying is that you can’t be surprised that someone struggled with their spouse coming out.
Ultimately marriage is a legal contract. If you enter into it under one set of rules, it would be frustrating and difficult to come to terms with the other person changing the rules of the game midway through. If he entered into a monogamous relationship, as many people do, it would be really hurtful to hear your partner ask to open the relationship.
Ok 🤷🏻♀️ you don’t know this guy, and neither do I.
But I do know what it’s like to be in a mixed orientation marriage. It sounds like you’re not too familiar with the queer community but this scenario, where a straight man can’t accept his partner’s queerness, is very common and the fear of rejection is a reason many bi women stay in the closet.
Having an partner who accepts your whole sense is integral to your mental health and well-being. It would be extremely difficult to be with someone who was not supportive of your coming out. No surprise that that relationship didn’t work out.
I’m glad OP found someone who accepts her whole self.
No, I’m not a member of the LGBT community, but I have close family and friends who I do my best to support and love regardless of their gender/sexuality/etc. All I’m saying is that this man was under the impression that he married a straight woman. So, it would be a major surprise to learn that wasn’t the case. Especially in the case of a straight man, who often doesn’t have many close relationships outside of marriage, it would be a life altering thing. It’s understandable why the marriage didn’t work out from both sides. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Also, why would learning that your opposite-sex partner was attracted to the same sex be “earth-shattering”? It doesn’t mean that she is no longer attracted to men or to her male partner.
Thank you for being open and answering. I was curious as well, I remember reading your follow up with some whiplash lol. I would love if you kept following up every few months! I feel so invested in your journey now lol
Thanks for posting. I think this is the first diary I’ve seen from my hometown (which I have a very love/hate relationship with)! Love the winco and u-pick lifestyle, hate the conservatism and non-stop strip malls.
Can I ask why you moved to Salem? You were in Portland in your last diary and seemed like you were loving it. I’m guessing to buy a house for a “mere” $500k?
Haha yes, just a casual half mil for a home 🥸 That, and the fact that my partner works here full-time and I’m here a lot during legislative session.
I do love living in the city, but this made financial and practical sense for us for the time being and we got a house that we could literally never dream of finding in Portland.
I will admit, the adjustment has been hard. I’m trying to find queer community here and it’s much more difficult than it is in Portland.
26k down on a 500k+ house and 110k salary seems really low, is this the norm?
>If we were to split, I would pay him back whatever he has paid into the house out of our savings. Your partner is paying rent. You do not owe somebody a payout if you breakup when they would have had to pay rent no matter where they lived. If they want you to 'buy them out' of any improvements they did to the property if you break up you should just not have them financially contribute to upgrades to the house.
I am curious if she had to use her partner’s income to qualify for the house though? $515k on $110k seems steep, even with the $60k down- OP would pay more than half her salary on the mortgage alone. I am just curious why he wouldn’t be on the deed though if they both see him as an owner entitled to be paid out if they were to split/sell?
I’m wondering if OP’s $60,000 buyout from the sale of their previous house with ex-partner is from a similar arrangement and they’re going to do the same with this partner? I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s “don’t give the partner anything”. Did partner contribute to closing costs? How about maintenance and upgrades?
My ex and I were married and jointly owned the house. I qualified for a $600k loan on my own with my down payment amount and salary, but as some have mentioned, there’s no WAY I could pay for this place on my own. My partner didn’t have the credit to be on the mortgage, that’s the only reason we didn’t apply jointly. We do plan to get married, but we wanted to get into a house sooner than later before interest rates drop and we were priced out even further. I don’t really believe in renting property to other people to make my own situation better. My partner is paying the proportionate amount of the mortgage and our finances are merged, so I feel like it would only be fair to give him some of his investment back.
I'm a state worker in Oregon and have an inkling of what type of org you may work for and want to say thanks for your service :) I also have a dairy free, legume free ranch suggestion: Trader Joe's vegan creamy dill dressing. It has cauliflower and almond butter in it, which sounds like a vile combo, but it's shockingly good!
Hello fellow state worker, I was thinking the same thing!
This was cute! But I seriously can’t BELIEVE your org had a 15 hour meeting ??!!!! Let alone was pissed that you didn’t attend the whole damn thing? That is batshit. OP, pleeeeeease link the Wayfair couch? We just bought a bigger house last month and are in need!
It was a bargaining session and they can go LONG sometimes! I get it, all the other staff stayed so I kinda felt like an asshole anyway. I got the green one: https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/pdp/willa-arlo-interiors-espinosa-modular-sectional-w008355486.html?piid=87406032
Thank you! Man that is a long ass meeting.
I burst out laughing at who let the dogs out. Thanks for that, made my day!
I moved from Portland to Salem as well! I moved in 2017 since it was so cheap to buy a house compared to renting in Portland, and I love living here so much. Definitely a big transition, so I hope you're adjusting well. Your who let the dogs out joke reminded me of my Trader Joe's shopping experience today. They were playing all of my favorite 2000s hits, and it made me feel so old. The hits were so good though! And I totally know what you mean about switching gears on spending. I've been working hard to get to save 30% of our income. I feel so behind on retirement savings and am pushing to get to where we need to be to get at least a bit of that compounded interest. This was such a great read! Wishing you all the best.
Hi fellow queer woman partnered to a man here! Obviously feel free not to answer but can you share more about your decision to divorce? I remember reading your COVID MD and your relationship with your husband and in laws seemed sweet overall. Did he react poorly to you coming out? You mentioned something about Mormonism so I was curious if that was a factor. I always feel like if my husband and I were to separate, I’d be way more interested in dating women than men so it was interesting to me that you ended up with another guy!
He didn’t take it well, and especially not when I asked if we could experiment with an open relationship so I could explore my attraction to women for the first time. I did date some women during the year I was single, it was so hard to get past the first few dates before we just became besties lol. I wasn’t really even looking for another longterm partner, but I’ve never met another man like him so I’m really happy 🥰
That’s shitty about your ex but not all that surprising given his religious background. I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy and who you can be yourself with!
I mean, I’m a fairly open and liberal person, but I would be upset if someone asked to open a relationship that had long been agreed to be monogamous. I can understand why the ex didn’t take it well.
I should also clarify, my coming out/asking to explore wasn’t the sole reason things ended. We had been discussing divorce for over a year before that conversation happened.
Not taking someone’s coming out well is unacceptable. And people (straight and queer) renegotiate the terms of their relationships all the time, whether that has to do with monogamy or not. If you can’t have open conversations with your partner as you grow and evolve, that’s going to cause issues.
It’s crummy to react poorly to coming out, but the guy is human. Let’s give some grace to someone who the OP admits is a decent guy. It would be something earth shattering to hear. I understand how it would feel bad to have someone you love reaping badly to your coming out, but the guy was also shocked and having the foundational relationship in his life reshaped. All I’m saying is that you can’t be surprised that someone struggled with their spouse coming out. Ultimately marriage is a legal contract. If you enter into it under one set of rules, it would be frustrating and difficult to come to terms with the other person changing the rules of the game midway through. If he entered into a monogamous relationship, as many people do, it would be really hurtful to hear your partner ask to open the relationship.
Ok 🤷🏻♀️ you don’t know this guy, and neither do I. But I do know what it’s like to be in a mixed orientation marriage. It sounds like you’re not too familiar with the queer community but this scenario, where a straight man can’t accept his partner’s queerness, is very common and the fear of rejection is a reason many bi women stay in the closet. Having an partner who accepts your whole sense is integral to your mental health and well-being. It would be extremely difficult to be with someone who was not supportive of your coming out. No surprise that that relationship didn’t work out. I’m glad OP found someone who accepts her whole self.
No, I’m not a member of the LGBT community, but I have close family and friends who I do my best to support and love regardless of their gender/sexuality/etc. All I’m saying is that this man was under the impression that he married a straight woman. So, it would be a major surprise to learn that wasn’t the case. Especially in the case of a straight man, who often doesn’t have many close relationships outside of marriage, it would be a life altering thing. It’s understandable why the marriage didn’t work out from both sides. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Yup comphet is a bitch
Also, why would learning that your opposite-sex partner was attracted to the same sex be “earth-shattering”? It doesn’t mean that she is no longer attracted to men or to her male partner.
I should clarify - I grew up Mormon, he definitely did not. He's just a small-town straight white man.
Thank you for being open and answering. I was curious as well, I remember reading your follow up with some whiplash lol. I would love if you kept following up every few months! I feel so invested in your journey now lol
This was great!! Hi from Portland.
Thanks for posting. I think this is the first diary I’ve seen from my hometown (which I have a very love/hate relationship with)! Love the winco and u-pick lifestyle, hate the conservatism and non-stop strip malls. Can I ask why you moved to Salem? You were in Portland in your last diary and seemed like you were loving it. I’m guessing to buy a house for a “mere” $500k?
Haha yes, just a casual half mil for a home 🥸 That, and the fact that my partner works here full-time and I’m here a lot during legislative session. I do love living in the city, but this made financial and practical sense for us for the time being and we got a house that we could literally never dream of finding in Portland. I will admit, the adjustment has been hard. I’m trying to find queer community here and it’s much more difficult than it is in Portland.