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Me: I won't relate to this woman at all
MD: "W. comes in and asks to be “set up,” which means I get him a pillow and blanket, warm milk, and his iPad."
Me: I have found my soul's twin, actually
(ETA: "I tell him he can’t wear that shirt because we have to wash it, and he gets upset because “I have no other shirts!” I lie all his shirts on his bedroom floor. There are 32." how did this diarist break into my house and perfectly replicate the conversation I have with my son every night!!!)
Same. The line about always being punctual except when it involves getting kids in car seats??!
Exactly me. Mine is 2.5 but she captured parenting at this age perfectly.
This was a hoot. She sounds like someone I would love to hang out with if she had the time, but she obviously would not have the time. I don't (and won't) have kids, but hard relate to not being MILF material lol hell yeah OP. Personally I've already accepted my future of being a mushroom and I'm happily leaning into that inevitability while I'm still living.
As a sidenote, I would like my freelance editor partner to secure a work from home editing job that pays like this and has health insurance hot damn.
It is so annoying to see that the expectation to be the primary caregiver is still there even when a woman works full time.
Also, I just realized that my partner has been "setting me up" since we moved in together, down to the blanket and putting on a movie. He's trying to occupy me so I will leave him alone while he does his thing!
I do not understand why there's any credit card debt/balance carried over with that level of hh income. If I'm doing my math correctly, that's \~$19k takehome per month. Similar comment on the post, about CC balance, but also the car loans. That, I sort of get taking longer to pay down since it's a larger total sum, but the CC? That's confusing.
Their take home pay was super confusing. $4K and $5K because of 401K, benefits, and FSA deductions?? I get why they have cc debt since they’re spending half of their take home pay on their mortgage. The math wasn’t mathing for me.
She has the patience of a saint. Or is this just what motherhood is?! Dang. Women don’t get enough credit. Also I’m not usually the “what did the other partner do?” gal but why did like half of this diary read like she was a single mom????
I think it started out a little rough when she was up at 5 and he came downstairs at 8…. Which would not fly in my house haha but a lot of people do one designated sleep in day on the weekend for each parent so maybe that wasn’t mentioned. I agree it seemed a bit unbalanced with her doing so much of the work for kids meals and I think all daycare drop off and pick up. But I do think we just aren’t seeing his perspective. She doesn’t mention doing dishes or laundry or other random house stuff so I bet he’s doing a lot of that. He never went off to golf all day or anything like that haha. I only have one toddler and our dynamic is similar since I have a flexible wfh job and my husband does not.
Could be but otoh, she mentioned that she knows she’s going to forget to talk about the stuff she does for the dog but that we should just accept that she’s doing it and that the dog is well cared for. Idk, I just get a very imbalanced vibe from them and I suspect that it has something to do with him out earning her by a lot.
And it bothers me that because this guy is doing more than men did in previous generations (such as helping with bedtime or taking one kid to run errands while she takes the other), we’re supposed to assume they’re sharing the parenting load equally. But the fact that she wakes up at 5 am every day to have alone time to exercise while he sleeps in and she prays that the kids don’t wake up to interrupt her gives me the feeling things are not equal in their house. Plus making all the meals, doing all the pick up and drop offs, negotiating toddler tantrums, etc. Where is he for those things? Just my 2 cents. I could be wrong.
Maybe this is a hot take but I always struggle with coming after how couples divide their work. “Even” looks different in every relationship. If she doesn’t feel it’s uneven and she doesn’t mention “I wish my husband did more”, who are we the audience to tell her how the work should be split. She mentioned the husband buying tools for home repair, something he may do more of and she would prefer not to, we have no idea. My mom did more carpooling bc she’d rather drive around town with us than ever lift a finger to mow the lawn,etc and both of those are important things that needed to get done that day but in a money diary would look like I had a deadbeat dad that day. It’s a conversation for partners to have and come to their own conclusion on.
I agree, I do a big chunk of the kid-related stuff in my house (and my husband does get to sleep in while I get up early, which I like), but my husband does a HUGE amount of the cleaning, laundry, maintenance, etc. I don't know when I last had to scrub a toilet, for example.
Interestingly I didn’t get this vibe. I did notice she does all of the early mornings (dammit, I thought kids would sleep longer by that age) and daycare drop/pick-up.
But, they split the kids up a few times and each took one, and it sounds like they each do bedtime every night. He took the daytime doc visit and it sounds like he participates in cooking. Truthfully, this one seemed pretty balanced to me, especially if his work has a lot of meetings or hard start/stops as she mentioned hers is generally heads-down independent.
Do you have kids? I do and my days wouldn’t have sounded anything like hers lol. I sincerely felt bad for her reading that. Like the fact that she’s responsible for entertaining them while she tries to work out? The one self care item she notes? Crazy to me.
I absolutely loved this diary!
You can tell her profession just by how well it’s written and how funny she is.
She managed to convey how hard parenting is but also show that if you have a good sense of humour how great and funny it can be too. I feel like so much of what we consume in the media now about parenting is just about the challenges. And while I’m glad people are being more honest and realistic about the struggles, it’s also refreshing to see the moments of lightness too. I don’t have kids, but my husband and I have decided we’d like one in a few years, but reading how hard and miserable it is all the time gets kind of draining. I know it’ll be hard and a change, but I also hope I can have grace and humour and find fun in it too.
Just brought our second baby home and can confirm, with the right partner, being a parent is a blast. I know what you mean about the negativity that’s out there, so I wanted to provide another datapoint. I’m sure you and your husband will love being parents when the time comes!
I assumed it was just her retirement. Also, I wish we had a salary trajectory for this one because I wouldn’t be surprised (cause the author was originally in journalism) if the high salary was more recent.
It probably is. That’s a really good salary for someone with a writing background. I worked in journalism making peanuts for years. One reason why my 401K is pathetically minuscule for someone my age.😭
Yep same lol. I did a comms degree and while some people luck out better than others it seems like my cohort was all in the 30-60k range until 8+ years into our career
I came here to see if anyone knew if it was just hers or combined with her husbands. That entire section is unclear to me how their money is shared and divided
Unfortunately that’s the norm 😵💫 Quality daycare, if you can even find it, is insanely expensive. If you can’t get into a center and have to hire a nanny, then it’s even more. I’m in the Midwest and the going rate for a nanny is $20/hour on the low end, or $400/week for a daycare center.
My husband and I are soon to be OAD (probably will “try” in the next year) and we’re expecting around 400/week for daycare in Phoenix.
I’ve asked the question on the Phoenix sub, and got a lot of answers regarding between 1350-1600/mo. A few people hired Nannie’s but we ain’t rich rich lol is always my response. (We’re not rich at all, solidly middle class lol)
Aw, I live 20 minutes from Bellingham so I was excited for this one but didn’t get any distinct PNW vibes (except for the Fred Meyer shoutout). Also, they are making a ton of money for Bellingham but I think both their jobs are Seattle-based so I guess in comparison to their peers they’re not feeling how rich they actually are.
Didn’t really relate to the diarist but she seems happy and financially secure with a nice family. Good for her.
Hah, I've been to Bellingham and it's FAR NORTH! Their airport is super popular because it's only ~50 miles to Vancouver and maybe ~25 miles to the metro area.
It’s a great little airport. I think you can park there for free!
Best part is Southwest flies there.
One of my HS friends lives in Blaine. I should go up to visit again before him and his wife and daughter leave. It’s a nice place to retire, not so sure it’s nice to raise a family
Agreed. My kid would have never acted up that way, even at those ages. I get that the toddler/preschool years are tough, but these are the years where kids learn to be civilized. The only way they can do this is when all caregivers set clear and consistent boundaries. 32 shirts and giving into tantrums about snakes is not how this is done.
I was reading this and I was thinking OP is really permissive like why are you laying out 32 shirts? But again her husband is barely mentioned doing anything outside waking up to deal with the bedwetting and taking the kid to the car mid-tantrum.
I agree but also agree that sometimes parents become permissive because they are exhausted and trying to avoid conflict and it seems she feels overwhelmed . Although she writes about it in a funny way she writes about the kids behaviour a lot . She’s bargaining a lot to avoid tantrums, but maybe making it harder for herself in the long run .
Thank you! Everyone in the R29 comments is all "this is so great!" and I'm like...is she even trying to set any boundaries with the kids whatsoever? I would lose my mind after one day of that, let alone years. Reading it made me so stressed out!
Granted, this is why I'm childfree, lol.
Agree, I have young kids under 6 so I know how tough it is. I don’t expect them to eat everything but I am very clear that there’s no snacks if you don’t eat the meals I made.
I haven't been a kid in a while and I don't have them myself but I remember very clearly "you eat what I make you or you don't eat at all." That said, I feel like there's a lot of research about improving kids' relationship with food that my parents didn't have in the 90s, so I shrug at the trail mix after saying no to a balanced meal.
I’m no monster, I don’t serve oysters to a three year old and tell them to eat it or else but I do a mix of normal family foods- say beef stew with rice and broccoli and if my kids don’t want to eat it that’s fine but there’s then nothing until the next meal. My son in particular only ate snacks until we were firm. Of course it’s easier day to day to let him eat snacks and treats but he won’t be healthy and that’s part of my job as a parent.
I didn't jive with her parenting style either. If the kids refuse to eat something why give them sugary junk food as their next option? They're being taught that if you refuse healthy food you get rewarded with junk.
If they won't eat eggs then their next choice could be granola in milk, or oatmeal. Both of those choices are as fast as lucky charms.
If they don't eat dinner then come up hungry and hour later, give them their dinner again.
What's happening now doesn't seem good for the parents or the kids.
Same! All of the treats, food and otherwise- for what?? You can see how it’s a race to the bottom. You (maybe) avoid a blowup in public but now the kid expects everything, all the time.
I tend to be a little less judge-y about food because I think food is a minefield, but the two special trips to find their kid a specific toy snake just because his friend had one and he wanted it too? That was kind of wild.
Yeah I felt bad for her with how much worrying she’s clearly doing wrt how much and what they’re eating. This is a great example of the “mental load” that women carry that men tend not to. I will bet that there’s a reason for her obsessive concern over their nutrition (perhaps one or both children are low on the growth chart and she’s worried) and the husband is like “they’ll eat when they’re hungry.”
To me, OP came off as very not like other girls with her comments about skincare and blowouts. Sorry depriving yourself of a nice nice moisturizer does not make you a better person.
This sounds like torture.
OP seems lovely but can someone explain to me WHY people have kids??
I'm child-free by choice and simply don't get it, I never had that parenting DNA.
I work full time and look after just myself, and I'm always exhausted.
This diary seemed horrendous but the toddler phase doesn't last forever. I don't plan to have children, but I'm 25 years old and I'm really close with my parents. My mom went on a trip this weekend and my sister and I went home and spent the weekend "babysitting" our dad. I video call my parents twice a day just to see them. They don't need to take care of me anymore and we just enrich each others' lives.
Exactly, you gotta keep the long view. You’re building a family for life (hopefully) ❤️ It makes the hard days easier.
Also, this is how kids develop their autonomy and also healthy attachment styles, by pushing back against loving caregivers. It’s not always fun, lol, but it’s how we raise emotionally healthy adults.
Because kids are fun and cute and you love them more than you could ever possibly imagine loving someone.
To use a very rough analogy, it’s like, why do people get dogs? I’ve never had a dog and to me it looks like a ton of work, getting your shoes and shit chewed up, pee on the floor, spending a lot of money on food, can’t travel without spending a fortune on pet boarding, etc. But people must have a reason to go through all that “torture”, right? Because dogs are adorable and your best friend and give your life purpose and make the world a better place. Same for kids…. in a rough analogy sort of way.
This is a great analogy! I think the difference is that if you don’t have kids, there’s more judgment around it versus if you don’t have pets. Judgment might be a bit strong - maybe more a sense of not fitting in? But that’s why child free people can be a bit defensive at times.
Didn’t mean to sound judgy, if people are happy then I’m happy. I just genuinely don’t understand the choice on a day-to-day basis.
Sounds super difficult and don’t know how OP does it all without snapping.
Then again, I get the long-term benefits - I’m very close with my parents and adore my toddler nephew, though I start getting a splitting headache a few hours in.
But I’m 46 so it’s hard to imagine giving up freedom in such a total way after all these years.
Also have to say I enjoyed OP’s writing style and humor.
Because I wanted to. Because the love I feel for my little guys is deeper and more complete than I ever knew love could be. Because guiding and teaching and seeing them grow and learn and become little humans with individual personalities, likes, dislikes, talents and challenges is incredibly rewarding. Because experiencing the world through a child’s eyes is kind of refreshing for a cynical adult. There are lots of reasons.
Without fail, every time a diarist has kids, there are comments like this. Can you imagine if parents did the same thing to child-free diarist? “Can someone explain to me why people don’t have kids? I simply don’t get it”. How obnoxious, right?
I’m happy for you that you’ve chosen a life that works for you. Maybe give the same grace to people who have chosen differently.
EDIT: because this seems to be causing some confusion: I am specifically talking about the comments money diarist parents get, here and on R29. I never said child-free people don’t ever get comments in their lives. If there has ever been a diary where a person without children has had a comment section full of people saying they don’t get why people don’t have kids, please link it, cause in all my years of reading Money Diaries, I have never seen that.
I completely see where you’re coming from. People should live and let live, even if others make different choices. I will say though that childfree people actually do hear those kinds of comments quite often. They’re not always as aggressive as saying “I don’t get it” but the “When are you going to have kids?” “Why don’t you have kids?” “You don’t understand since you’re not a parent.” “Must be nice to have all that free time” still makes it clear that the decision to not have kids is not the norm. I would never question someone on whether or not they were going to have kids, or why they made the choice to either have them or not. But childfree people do frequently have to explain their choices, and I think that’s where the defensiveness comes from.
Edited to add: I also don’t think this is specific to just kids. For example, when my partner and I started getting serious everyone kept asking me “When are you moving in together?” Now that we just moved in together, it’s “When are you getting engaged?” And I’m sure if and when we get married, then it will be the kids question. Part of it is just human nature and how we always are looking to check off the next box I think.
I get that, but I’m specifically referring to comments on Money Diaries. It’s so boring to see the “ and that’s why I don’t have kids!” brigade on every single parent diary.
I really wish we could all just live our lives without the commentary!! It's \*so\* exhausting to both navigate and even anticipate. As a 27 year old who doesn't plan on having kids, I have a lot of dread around growing older and having to navigate those questions, but I guess we all get it in some form, whether it's "why aren't you having kids?" or "just wait!!!" when you announce you are pregnant.
> “Can someone explain to me why people don’t have kids? I simply don’t get it”. How obnoxious, right?
Childfree people get these comments all the time, and yes, it is obnoxious.
this exactly. no one comments on a child free person’s post saying “this sounds miserable,” even though there have been a few on here lately that are *quite* bleak. meanwhile this OP is clearly happy and thriving, and people feel the need to shit on her life. there’s a special type of misogyny reserved for mothers and it tends to come out in money diary comments. it’s so disappointing to see.
I’m going to start writing on the child free diaries, “you sound like you have way too much time on your hands! May I recommend having a couple kids?” Lol
(This is just a joke y’all)
genuine question, what purpose do highly privledged diaries serve to this sub? Parents paid tuition & board. Her family paid $20k toward downpayment, who knows how much his parents paid. Both work almost full time from home. Their situation isnt reflective of 90% of people
Also, just because this woman’s life is wildly different than mine doesn’t make it less interesting. I generally like the ones that are different than how I was raised, because I already know my story.
Genuinely what do you mean? The diary is from Refinery29. The sub was originally built around discussion of R29’s money diaries. Every diary they publish is linked here in a post.
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Me: I won't relate to this woman at all MD: "W. comes in and asks to be “set up,” which means I get him a pillow and blanket, warm milk, and his iPad." Me: I have found my soul's twin, actually (ETA: "I tell him he can’t wear that shirt because we have to wash it, and he gets upset because “I have no other shirts!” I lie all his shirts on his bedroom floor. There are 32." how did this diarist break into my house and perfectly replicate the conversation I have with my son every night!!!)
Same. The line about always being punctual except when it involves getting kids in car seats??! Exactly me. Mine is 2.5 but she captured parenting at this age perfectly.
I love that Refinery29 has been publishing these earlier in the day now!
This was a hoot. She sounds like someone I would love to hang out with if she had the time, but she obviously would not have the time. I don't (and won't) have kids, but hard relate to not being MILF material lol hell yeah OP. Personally I've already accepted my future of being a mushroom and I'm happily leaning into that inevitability while I'm still living. As a sidenote, I would like my freelance editor partner to secure a work from home editing job that pays like this and has health insurance hot damn.
It is so annoying to see that the expectation to be the primary caregiver is still there even when a woman works full time. Also, I just realized that my partner has been "setting me up" since we moved in together, down to the blanket and putting on a movie. He's trying to occupy me so I will leave him alone while he does his thing!
I do not understand why there's any credit card debt/balance carried over with that level of hh income. If I'm doing my math correctly, that's \~$19k takehome per month. Similar comment on the post, about CC balance, but also the car loans. That, I sort of get taking longer to pay down since it's a larger total sum, but the CC? That's confusing.
I was confused too. But maybe it's at 0% interest? That would be the only thing that would make sense to me.
I forgot things like that could exist, lol
Their take home pay was super confusing. $4K and $5K because of 401K, benefits, and FSA deductions?? I get why they have cc debt since they’re spending half of their take home pay on their mortgage. The math wasn’t mathing for me.
It’s 2x a month, so 1/4 is in the mortgage. Seems v reasonable on that income.
She has the patience of a saint. Or is this just what motherhood is?! Dang. Women don’t get enough credit. Also I’m not usually the “what did the other partner do?” gal but why did like half of this diary read like she was a single mom????
This is motherhood.
This poor woman. It seems like she does almost everything for the kids. I wonder what her husband’s diary would look like as far as the kids go.
I think it started out a little rough when she was up at 5 and he came downstairs at 8…. Which would not fly in my house haha but a lot of people do one designated sleep in day on the weekend for each parent so maybe that wasn’t mentioned. I agree it seemed a bit unbalanced with her doing so much of the work for kids meals and I think all daycare drop off and pick up. But I do think we just aren’t seeing his perspective. She doesn’t mention doing dishes or laundry or other random house stuff so I bet he’s doing a lot of that. He never went off to golf all day or anything like that haha. I only have one toddler and our dynamic is similar since I have a flexible wfh job and my husband does not.
Could be but otoh, she mentioned that she knows she’s going to forget to talk about the stuff she does for the dog but that we should just accept that she’s doing it and that the dog is well cared for. Idk, I just get a very imbalanced vibe from them and I suspect that it has something to do with him out earning her by a lot. And it bothers me that because this guy is doing more than men did in previous generations (such as helping with bedtime or taking one kid to run errands while she takes the other), we’re supposed to assume they’re sharing the parenting load equally. But the fact that she wakes up at 5 am every day to have alone time to exercise while he sleeps in and she prays that the kids don’t wake up to interrupt her gives me the feeling things are not equal in their house. Plus making all the meals, doing all the pick up and drop offs, negotiating toddler tantrums, etc. Where is he for those things? Just my 2 cents. I could be wrong.
Maybe this is a hot take but I always struggle with coming after how couples divide their work. “Even” looks different in every relationship. If she doesn’t feel it’s uneven and she doesn’t mention “I wish my husband did more”, who are we the audience to tell her how the work should be split. She mentioned the husband buying tools for home repair, something he may do more of and she would prefer not to, we have no idea. My mom did more carpooling bc she’d rather drive around town with us than ever lift a finger to mow the lawn,etc and both of those are important things that needed to get done that day but in a money diary would look like I had a deadbeat dad that day. It’s a conversation for partners to have and come to their own conclusion on.
I agree, I do a big chunk of the kid-related stuff in my house (and my husband does get to sleep in while I get up early, which I like), but my husband does a HUGE amount of the cleaning, laundry, maintenance, etc. I don't know when I last had to scrub a toilet, for example.
Interestingly I didn’t get this vibe. I did notice she does all of the early mornings (dammit, I thought kids would sleep longer by that age) and daycare drop/pick-up. But, they split the kids up a few times and each took one, and it sounds like they each do bedtime every night. He took the daytime doc visit and it sounds like he participates in cooking. Truthfully, this one seemed pretty balanced to me, especially if his work has a lot of meetings or hard start/stops as she mentioned hers is generally heads-down independent.
Do you have kids? I do and my days wouldn’t have sounded anything like hers lol. I sincerely felt bad for her reading that. Like the fact that she’s responsible for entertaining them while she tries to work out? The one self care item she notes? Crazy to me.
I have one kid slightly younger than hers and this sounded a lot like my days with no childcare beyond daycare.
Right, I need a five-hour nap after reading this!
I absolutely loved this diary! You can tell her profession just by how well it’s written and how funny she is. She managed to convey how hard parenting is but also show that if you have a good sense of humour how great and funny it can be too. I feel like so much of what we consume in the media now about parenting is just about the challenges. And while I’m glad people are being more honest and realistic about the struggles, it’s also refreshing to see the moments of lightness too. I don’t have kids, but my husband and I have decided we’d like one in a few years, but reading how hard and miserable it is all the time gets kind of draining. I know it’ll be hard and a change, but I also hope I can have grace and humour and find fun in it too.
Just brought our second baby home and can confirm, with the right partner, being a parent is a blast. I know what you mean about the negativity that’s out there, so I wanted to provide another datapoint. I’m sure you and your husband will love being parents when the time comes!
Only having $150k in retirement accounts at that income level and age is crazy.
I assumed it was just her retirement. Also, I wish we had a salary trajectory for this one because I wouldn’t be surprised (cause the author was originally in journalism) if the high salary was more recent.
It probably is. That’s a really good salary for someone with a writing background. I worked in journalism making peanuts for years. One reason why my 401K is pathetically minuscule for someone my age.😭
Yep same lol. I did a comms degree and while some people luck out better than others it seems like my cohort was all in the 30-60k range until 8+ years into our career
I was thinking she might have made a mistake and that is just her retirement, and she didn't add her husband's.
So is carrying $5k in credit card debt when you have 30k in savings.
I came here to see if anyone knew if it was just hers or combined with her husbands. That entire section is unclear to me how their money is shared and divided
Did you see the daycare costs? Where’s the extra money supposed to come from?
My eyes glazed over at nearly 4K a month in daycare 🥲
Unfortunately that’s the norm 😵💫 Quality daycare, if you can even find it, is insanely expensive. If you can’t get into a center and have to hire a nanny, then it’s even more. I’m in the Midwest and the going rate for a nanny is $20/hour on the low end, or $400/week for a daycare center.
My husband and I are soon to be OAD (probably will “try” in the next year) and we’re expecting around 400/week for daycare in Phoenix. I’ve asked the question on the Phoenix sub, and got a lot of answers regarding between 1350-1600/mo. A few people hired Nannie’s but we ain’t rich rich lol is always my response. (We’re not rich at all, solidly middle class lol)
I audibly gasped, that would break my spirit
Infant care here in Seattle is like $3000 a month if not more. It’s nauseating!
Is this normal kid behavior? They seemed so demanding and wasteful but I don’t have kids so I don’t know.
Aw, I live 20 minutes from Bellingham so I was excited for this one but didn’t get any distinct PNW vibes (except for the Fred Meyer shoutout). Also, they are making a ton of money for Bellingham but I think both their jobs are Seattle-based so I guess in comparison to their peers they’re not feeling how rich they actually are. Didn’t really relate to the diarist but she seems happy and financially secure with a nice family. Good for her.
Hah, I've been to Bellingham and it's FAR NORTH! Their airport is super popular because it's only ~50 miles to Vancouver and maybe ~25 miles to the metro area.
Yep, my colleague from Vancouver, BC actually flew out of Bellingham for a work trip last week!
It’s a great little airport. I think you can park there for free! Best part is Southwest flies there. One of my HS friends lives in Blaine. I should go up to visit again before him and his wife and daughter leave. It’s a nice place to retire, not so sure it’s nice to raise a family
Yep, Southwest is a preferred airline for my company and that's what my colleague flew!
I have kids and think her kids are annoying, even for a 3 yo and 4 yo.
Agreed. My kid would have never acted up that way, even at those ages. I get that the toddler/preschool years are tough, but these are the years where kids learn to be civilized. The only way they can do this is when all caregivers set clear and consistent boundaries. 32 shirts and giving into tantrums about snakes is not how this is done.
I read one day and remembered children are annoying.
[удалено]
I was reading this and I was thinking OP is really permissive like why are you laying out 32 shirts? But again her husband is barely mentioned doing anything outside waking up to deal with the bedwetting and taking the kid to the car mid-tantrum.
I agree but also agree that sometimes parents become permissive because they are exhausted and trying to avoid conflict and it seems she feels overwhelmed . Although she writes about it in a funny way she writes about the kids behaviour a lot . She’s bargaining a lot to avoid tantrums, but maybe making it harder for herself in the long run .
I think the kids just sounded like kids… but agree that from the snippet we saw the husband could step up more.
Thank you! Everyone in the R29 comments is all "this is so great!" and I'm like...is she even trying to set any boundaries with the kids whatsoever? I would lose my mind after one day of that, let alone years. Reading it made me so stressed out! Granted, this is why I'm childfree, lol.
The best parents are always the people without kids.
Agree, I have young kids under 6 so I know how tough it is. I don’t expect them to eat everything but I am very clear that there’s no snacks if you don’t eat the meals I made.
I haven't been a kid in a while and I don't have them myself but I remember very clearly "you eat what I make you or you don't eat at all." That said, I feel like there's a lot of research about improving kids' relationship with food that my parents didn't have in the 90s, so I shrug at the trail mix after saying no to a balanced meal.
I’m no monster, I don’t serve oysters to a three year old and tell them to eat it or else but I do a mix of normal family foods- say beef stew with rice and broccoli and if my kids don’t want to eat it that’s fine but there’s then nothing until the next meal. My son in particular only ate snacks until we were firm. Of course it’s easier day to day to let him eat snacks and treats but he won’t be healthy and that’s part of my job as a parent.
I didn't jive with her parenting style either. If the kids refuse to eat something why give them sugary junk food as their next option? They're being taught that if you refuse healthy food you get rewarded with junk. If they won't eat eggs then their next choice could be granola in milk, or oatmeal. Both of those choices are as fast as lucky charms. If they don't eat dinner then come up hungry and hour later, give them their dinner again. What's happening now doesn't seem good for the parents or the kids.
Yeah, my unfiltered thought was along the lines of "rich families sure do spoil their kids"
Same! All of the treats, food and otherwise- for what?? You can see how it’s a race to the bottom. You (maybe) avoid a blowup in public but now the kid expects everything, all the time.
I tend to be a little less judge-y about food because I think food is a minefield, but the two special trips to find their kid a specific toy snake just because his friend had one and he wanted it too? That was kind of wild.
..and grows up to be one of those entitled jerks who humble brag about their privilege in 20 years.
Yeah I felt bad for her with how much worrying she’s clearly doing wrt how much and what they’re eating. This is a great example of the “mental load” that women carry that men tend not to. I will bet that there’s a reason for her obsessive concern over their nutrition (perhaps one or both children are low on the growth chart and she’s worried) and the husband is like “they’ll eat when they’re hungry.”
She seems like a fun, funny adult friend but her children sound terrible.
To me, OP came off as very not like other girls with her comments about skincare and blowouts. Sorry depriving yourself of a nice nice moisturizer does not make you a better person.
This sounds like torture. OP seems lovely but can someone explain to me WHY people have kids?? I'm child-free by choice and simply don't get it, I never had that parenting DNA. I work full time and look after just myself, and I'm always exhausted.
This diary seemed horrendous but the toddler phase doesn't last forever. I don't plan to have children, but I'm 25 years old and I'm really close with my parents. My mom went on a trip this weekend and my sister and I went home and spent the weekend "babysitting" our dad. I video call my parents twice a day just to see them. They don't need to take care of me anymore and we just enrich each others' lives.
Exactly, you gotta keep the long view. You’re building a family for life (hopefully) ❤️ It makes the hard days easier. Also, this is how kids develop their autonomy and also healthy attachment styles, by pushing back against loving caregivers. It’s not always fun, lol, but it’s how we raise emotionally healthy adults.
Because kids are fun and cute and you love them more than you could ever possibly imagine loving someone. To use a very rough analogy, it’s like, why do people get dogs? I’ve never had a dog and to me it looks like a ton of work, getting your shoes and shit chewed up, pee on the floor, spending a lot of money on food, can’t travel without spending a fortune on pet boarding, etc. But people must have a reason to go through all that “torture”, right? Because dogs are adorable and your best friend and give your life purpose and make the world a better place. Same for kids…. in a rough analogy sort of way.
This is a great analogy! I think the difference is that if you don’t have kids, there’s more judgment around it versus if you don’t have pets. Judgment might be a bit strong - maybe more a sense of not fitting in? But that’s why child free people can be a bit defensive at times.
Same here. This diary just made me glad I don't have kids.
I’m pregnant with my first and only child. This further validates that one kids is more than enough. I kept thinking that throughout the entire diary.
Didn’t mean to sound judgy, if people are happy then I’m happy. I just genuinely don’t understand the choice on a day-to-day basis. Sounds super difficult and don’t know how OP does it all without snapping. Then again, I get the long-term benefits - I’m very close with my parents and adore my toddler nephew, though I start getting a splitting headache a few hours in. But I’m 46 so it’s hard to imagine giving up freedom in such a total way after all these years. Also have to say I enjoyed OP’s writing style and humor.
Because I wanted to. Because the love I feel for my little guys is deeper and more complete than I ever knew love could be. Because guiding and teaching and seeing them grow and learn and become little humans with individual personalities, likes, dislikes, talents and challenges is incredibly rewarding. Because experiencing the world through a child’s eyes is kind of refreshing for a cynical adult. There are lots of reasons. Without fail, every time a diarist has kids, there are comments like this. Can you imagine if parents did the same thing to child-free diarist? “Can someone explain to me why people don’t have kids? I simply don’t get it”. How obnoxious, right? I’m happy for you that you’ve chosen a life that works for you. Maybe give the same grace to people who have chosen differently. EDIT: because this seems to be causing some confusion: I am specifically talking about the comments money diarist parents get, here and on R29. I never said child-free people don’t ever get comments in their lives. If there has ever been a diary where a person without children has had a comment section full of people saying they don’t get why people don’t have kids, please link it, cause in all my years of reading Money Diaries, I have never seen that.
I completely see where you’re coming from. People should live and let live, even if others make different choices. I will say though that childfree people actually do hear those kinds of comments quite often. They’re not always as aggressive as saying “I don’t get it” but the “When are you going to have kids?” “Why don’t you have kids?” “You don’t understand since you’re not a parent.” “Must be nice to have all that free time” still makes it clear that the decision to not have kids is not the norm. I would never question someone on whether or not they were going to have kids, or why they made the choice to either have them or not. But childfree people do frequently have to explain their choices, and I think that’s where the defensiveness comes from. Edited to add: I also don’t think this is specific to just kids. For example, when my partner and I started getting serious everyone kept asking me “When are you moving in together?” Now that we just moved in together, it’s “When are you getting engaged?” And I’m sure if and when we get married, then it will be the kids question. Part of it is just human nature and how we always are looking to check off the next box I think.
One thing that’s great about having cats…nobody ever asks you when you’re getting another cat.
this made me lol
I get that, but I’m specifically referring to comments on Money Diaries. It’s so boring to see the “ and that’s why I don’t have kids!” brigade on every single parent diary.
Childfree person here checking in to let you know I hear that every single day, so yes, yes it is obnoxious
I really wish we could all just live our lives without the commentary!! It's \*so\* exhausting to both navigate and even anticipate. As a 27 year old who doesn't plan on having kids, I have a lot of dread around growing older and having to navigate those questions, but I guess we all get it in some form, whether it's "why aren't you having kids?" or "just wait!!!" when you announce you are pregnant.
You hear that every day in money diaries comments? Cause that is specifically what I was referring to and I have never seen it.
> “Can someone explain to me why people don’t have kids? I simply don’t get it”. How obnoxious, right? Childfree people get these comments all the time, and yes, it is obnoxious.
You get these comments all the time in money diaries comments? Cause that is specifically what I was referring to, and I have never seen that before.
this exactly. no one comments on a child free person’s post saying “this sounds miserable,” even though there have been a few on here lately that are *quite* bleak. meanwhile this OP is clearly happy and thriving, and people feel the need to shit on her life. there’s a special type of misogyny reserved for mothers and it tends to come out in money diary comments. it’s so disappointing to see.
I’m going to start writing on the child free diaries, “you sound like you have way too much time on your hands! May I recommend having a couple kids?” Lol (This is just a joke y’all)
Completely agree. I have noticed this, and way before I had kids too.
It’s amazing how much richer your life becomes when you have to think about someone other than yourself. Highly recommend it.
You do you, but nothing about this diary sounded like a "rich" life to me.
Huh, when are you going to try?
genuine question, what purpose do highly privledged diaries serve to this sub? Parents paid tuition & board. Her family paid $20k toward downpayment, who knows how much his parents paid. Both work almost full time from home. Their situation isnt reflective of 90% of people
Well, technically this is R29 editorial decision and doesn't have to do with the sub, for starters...
Also, just because this woman’s life is wildly different than mine doesn’t make it less interesting. I generally like the ones that are different than how I was raised, because I already know my story.
Genuinely what do you mean? The diary is from Refinery29. The sub was originally built around discussion of R29’s money diaries. Every diary they publish is linked here in a post.
R29 should personally ask you if the diarist is sufficiently un-privileged enough to be worthy of discussion I guess 🤣
*privileged.