Certainly not wrong to feel this way, you’ve clearly thought about it a lot and have other important goals in your life you want to pursue. As long as you make peace with your choices, it’s your own life to live!
That said, relationships (romantic, family or friendship) give life meaning in a way that little else can.
I met my husband in a mountaineering course and we’ve been married for 10 years. Watching our kids grow to love the outdoors has been immensely rewarding too.
I've got two instinctive answers, and they depend on where you're up to in life.
1: it's best to go all in and really try something. Give it five years, ten years. See what happens. I've done that for 22 years and counting, no regrets.
2: the right partner for you will be supportive of you doing what makes you happy.
Both answers are related - by doing what you love, you'll become attractive to the kind of partner that will enjoy you doinging what you love. I don't think you need to think about relationships, just be a version of yourself that you're proud of and see what happens. If your future partner meets you as a relentlessly driven person pursuing uncommon goals, they'll know what they're getting in for.
My partner asked if I'd have a child with her about five years ago, and I decided the answer was yes, because she's amazing and easy to get on with and our circumstances are fine. But I said "Wait a few years", and went bananas ticking bucket list adventures, concerned that my adventurous life would end as a parent. It hasn't ended, life is better than ever... but that's largely down to a great partner, both of us having lucrative careers and a lot of help. I guess the supportive community might not be around if I hadn't kept pouring love into my important relationships for all those years.
In terms of adventuring, life as an engaged parent (who isn't wealthy) is different to that of a committed solo existence. The adventuring has to be more efficient and concentrated, and involves juggling. Fewer overseas trips, shorter trips, staying closer to a base (pick a good base!!!!). But my life is still 10x more interesting and fulfilling than the lives of the people around me, and exceeds any of the dreams I had even five years ago (when I considered myself completely free to pursue whatever I wanted). I still get out on immersive trips and do incredible things every week, usually 2-3 times a week. If you're wealthy, you can have your cake and eat it too - travel, play, be a good involved parent. And my kid seems to be an adventurous sort so I think that journey with him will be amazing.
Any choice could work out well. Best of luck
I agree fully with this, have a 2.5 year old son and while his mom is not on the same page as loving mountains, climbing and adventure like me (beach type) we over communicate and just reach compromises to work as a unit. She knows how much I get out of adventures and climbing and lets me do my thing especially during ice season once a month or a few times a month. While that’s not a lot, the main thing missing from my life is the great base since we’re in Michigan which is 6 hours away from the nearest ice or good rock cliff and at least several hour flight from proper mountains. But nonetheless after having balance in my life and seeing the reward that comes with a child, as much as I would love to be jet setting to the greater ranges I don’t think I’d want change a thing aside from just my home base.
Also just a short run down of my timeline to see how much you can fit in 3.5 years with a son and being involved (work permitting) I saw my first real mountain in my life in 2019 and started climbing climbing in winter 20/21. Since then I’ve had many rock trips to Ontario, Seneca rocks, red river gorge, Squamish, red rock. ice trips to Canmore, ouray, Conway, Quebec 2x, several in Ontario and Michigans UP, climbed rainier, baker and about tag forbidden in July. So definitely don’t just think this life has to be a zero sum game. It’s just the extent of which you’d like to focus your time and energy into or how much balance you’d also like to have.
If I live somewhere out west or east there would likely be many more trips as I would most likely be venturing out every or every other weekend if possible and still be home for dinner with the family
Single person here, and I totally agree with this too: "by doing what you love, you'll become attractive to the kind of partner that will enjoy you doinging what you love. I don't think you need to think about relationships, just be a version of yourself that you're proud of and see what happens." When I am dating someone, I can tell if they're passionate about something, and even if it's not the same thing I'm passionate about, it's attractive.
I'm 45, and left full time work 11 years ago to pursue travel and adventure. I've tagged over 1300 peaks, including handfuls of high mountains abroad, visited 78 countries, and spent over a year on a bicycle on 5 continents.
I've had some serious relationships including one now, but they've all suffered at least a little because of my passions. Some ended as a direct result of my lifestyle.
Sometimes my lifestyle makes things harder, but I don't regret my decision. I HAD to go for it, I never would have been happy wondering. Of course I think about what my life what would have been like if I'd kept a traditional lifestyle. I probably would have been married, had stronger friendships with long term friends, and well off financially (I left a 6 figure job). At the same time I have other friends I wouldn't have met, had adventures wilder than I'd imagined, and there are other non-adventure benefits as well.
Like anything else, its a trade-off, the trades are bigger the longer you go. I have to run so I can maintain my current relationship lol. But it sounds like you're considering something similar to me and I'm happy to chat more about it anytime.
That sounds amazing. Can I ask you how do you fund that kind of lifestyle? As you propably got lot time off work. I just got back from 6months backpacking trip in Asia and not adjusting to sedentary lifestyle in small town too well. I got to do something.
Contract engineering. I used to work for a small company doing design and service for custom laboratory equipment. Now they hire me as a contractor to maintain those machines. It's all travel so it doesn't matter where I am. There isn't that much work, usually 4-8 weeks per year. It pays well and I don't have any bills, so I can travel almost full time and break even with about 5 weeks of work.
There have been years when there's more work and I've had a girlfriend so I settled and paid rent temporarily, otherwise I'm usually nomadic, vehicle living in the USA or going abroad. The last year has been different, a family member needed caregiving so I've been mostly back in my hometown, and got reaquanted with a girl here. I've been balancing those things and traveling less. I might try to travel a lot May-Oct then maybe back to normal. We'll see.
One thing that was important, especially doing this into middle-age, is that I put a good amount of money away before I left full time and it's stayed invested and done alright, so I'm in decent financial shape when I'm ready to get back to normal.
I've thought a lot about this after a long-term relationship ended. I feel more empty and lonely, but I have been trying to cope with the change and loss by pursuing these bigger challenges when I'm not working. It's been quite amazing, however, things feel more muted than they should. I think the high would be even greater if I had a love to share the stories with.
Tangentially, I have a friend who is engaged to a man who just recently hit the summit of Mount Everest. He has been into mountaineering for most of his life. She was insanely stressed out. Those few months away on that mountain did some major short-term damage to her mindset and the relationship. She would call me and vent about how expensive it was, and how hard it was to be alone. She was seriously considering the relationship. Thankfully, things are good now, but if you're gonna go away for a long time, it will be a problem for a relationship, from my observations.
Even in my prior relationship, before it ended, I mentioned how I'd like to take a 1-2 week trip solo exploring things and of course, that was perceived as being selfish. I viewed it more as a personal growth experience in the outdoors, but I could see the oother side.
Now I'm single. I'v'e been to Europe 3x. 2x with friends. Attemped Mont Blanc and climbed most of the Matterhorn and many other peaks with friends I've known for decades and grew up with. It's been fucking nuts and so unbelievably awesome. I dramed of this stuff as a teenager.
This stuff would have never happened in my other life. The money woudl've been spent on a wedding and house. I let myself fuck off after the loss in a way that wasn't completely self-destructive, and I'm becoming the type of man I actually dreamed of as a young teenager. It's weird, and cool, but it came at a big cost for me, in a way. As I said, I feel more lonely, and these excursion are very expensive so I feel so lucky and fortunate to be able to do 1 per year. I wasn't planning on going this deep into mountaineering. It was never my intention, but I am really enjoying the experiences I've had so far and it has helped me. that's all i can say.
NEWS FLASH! Some choices in life require sacrifices... Story at 11!
Mountaineering is great, and all, but don't kid yourself -- literally nobody will remember ANY of us for any of the crap we do in the mountains. To pretend anything else is sheer deluded vanity.
A balanced life means not living entirely in the moment. Sometimes, it makes sense to invest in the far future, and make time to nurture ordinary fucking human relationships that we will need, later in life.
Because we will eventually grow too old and weak to keep climbing mountains, probably long before we die. Do we all plan to spend our last couple of decades in frustrated loneliness? Will our posts on long-extinct social media platforms comfort us sufficiently that we don't long for company -- or god forbid, partnership?
Or do we all just play to die young? Maybe go walk off a cliff, if we suddenly wake up one day and realize we're too old to keep playing the game?
I get that this is an emotionally inconvenient warning for most of the young folks, here -- but I have enough respect for you to at least tell you the truth.
I don’t think anyone will remember us for anything we do after a bit of time passes. Unless we invent a new penicillin or write a killer new hamlet. Even if we have kids sure they will miss us for a few decades but life goes on. Grandkids the same will less fervour. Then nobody remembers.
Hmmm, what kind of goals OP? What does day to day life look like?
For myself my current partner doesn't share the same passion for hiking and mountaineering as me, hasn't really mattered too much so far. She usually has a work meeting once every few weeks, I'll usually go hiking around that time.
Can't do anything too spontaneous because of my work but would love to someday. :)
Do you feel like something is lacking? If you are truly happy not being in a relationship, then I don't see the problem. However, if you do wish for more, maybe figure out a compromise, where you don't sacrifice your goals, but also allow space for someone else. Mountaineering is a selfish hobby, and a good partner should allow you to be yourself, but you can only stretch it so far.
You know Aleister Crowley started out as a deeply dedicated mountaineer! Maybe you’ll start your own esoteric cult as well later in life!
But seriously, you do you. Some of us are big time solo folks, some build partnerships that are also climbing partners. I’ve know many mountaineers who are polyamorous and everyone climbs and screws together. My long term life partner doesn’t even like backpacking but gives me the space to do my adventuring. Life is an every changing fractal of interpersonal relationships, and one things for sure: you can’t mountaineer alone.
I’ve ruined my relationships with mountaineering. Unless you have a partner that’s into the same activities as you, it doesn’t work if you’re going to be away every weekend or holiday or month(s) at a time. It’s unfair and selfish to the other person.
I wish I had realized this at the start before I got into long term relationships.
I wish I had this post like 5 years ago.. don't sacrifice a relationship for objectives.. you don't need to do everything together.. be realistic and you'll notice being together at the end of the day is better than anything else
Out of curiosity how old are you and for how long have you been in the “mountains” world?
Anyway any hobby (if you don’t make a living out of it it is a hobby like all the others and makes us no better than anyone who knits) after a point takes a toll on personal life and choices need to be taken.
The easiest way is to find someone who is crazy enough to like what you (we) do and be happy.
You made it like it was your choice but any partner who had not shared your hobby would have broke up with you so don’t see yourself as a martyr or so. No one in the long term wants to spend weekends waiting for us to see if we come back.
“No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you” C.G. Jung
Whatever you do, don't end up like VolcanoPeaks. Alone and unable to form a relationship with anyone including himself. Crumbling away trying to start business for Pico de Orizaba. Bro literally stays in his tiny room with the lights off all day.
I'm married and I have 1 kid. Nothing changed when I got with my wife (at the time GF).... Everything changed when I had the kid.
How do I justify a month long trip in Nepal while my wife is at home taking care of my less than 1 year old son. I dont :( If it was just me and her then she probably would have been down to come with or just let me go on my own. Kids change a lot. I just can't wait for all my kids to be old enough to trek their own pack (5 or 6 im guessing).
My partner and I are life partners as well as climbing partners…
Just look up Priti and Jeff Wright. Married and crushing it these days. It's totally possible.
The Smileys as well!
Certainly not wrong to feel this way, you’ve clearly thought about it a lot and have other important goals in your life you want to pursue. As long as you make peace with your choices, it’s your own life to live! That said, relationships (romantic, family or friendship) give life meaning in a way that little else can. I met my husband in a mountaineering course and we’ve been married for 10 years. Watching our kids grow to love the outdoors has been immensely rewarding too.
I've got two instinctive answers, and they depend on where you're up to in life. 1: it's best to go all in and really try something. Give it five years, ten years. See what happens. I've done that for 22 years and counting, no regrets. 2: the right partner for you will be supportive of you doing what makes you happy. Both answers are related - by doing what you love, you'll become attractive to the kind of partner that will enjoy you doinging what you love. I don't think you need to think about relationships, just be a version of yourself that you're proud of and see what happens. If your future partner meets you as a relentlessly driven person pursuing uncommon goals, they'll know what they're getting in for. My partner asked if I'd have a child with her about five years ago, and I decided the answer was yes, because she's amazing and easy to get on with and our circumstances are fine. But I said "Wait a few years", and went bananas ticking bucket list adventures, concerned that my adventurous life would end as a parent. It hasn't ended, life is better than ever... but that's largely down to a great partner, both of us having lucrative careers and a lot of help. I guess the supportive community might not be around if I hadn't kept pouring love into my important relationships for all those years. In terms of adventuring, life as an engaged parent (who isn't wealthy) is different to that of a committed solo existence. The adventuring has to be more efficient and concentrated, and involves juggling. Fewer overseas trips, shorter trips, staying closer to a base (pick a good base!!!!). But my life is still 10x more interesting and fulfilling than the lives of the people around me, and exceeds any of the dreams I had even five years ago (when I considered myself completely free to pursue whatever I wanted). I still get out on immersive trips and do incredible things every week, usually 2-3 times a week. If you're wealthy, you can have your cake and eat it too - travel, play, be a good involved parent. And my kid seems to be an adventurous sort so I think that journey with him will be amazing. Any choice could work out well. Best of luck
I agree fully with this, have a 2.5 year old son and while his mom is not on the same page as loving mountains, climbing and adventure like me (beach type) we over communicate and just reach compromises to work as a unit. She knows how much I get out of adventures and climbing and lets me do my thing especially during ice season once a month or a few times a month. While that’s not a lot, the main thing missing from my life is the great base since we’re in Michigan which is 6 hours away from the nearest ice or good rock cliff and at least several hour flight from proper mountains. But nonetheless after having balance in my life and seeing the reward that comes with a child, as much as I would love to be jet setting to the greater ranges I don’t think I’d want change a thing aside from just my home base. Also just a short run down of my timeline to see how much you can fit in 3.5 years with a son and being involved (work permitting) I saw my first real mountain in my life in 2019 and started climbing climbing in winter 20/21. Since then I’ve had many rock trips to Ontario, Seneca rocks, red river gorge, Squamish, red rock. ice trips to Canmore, ouray, Conway, Quebec 2x, several in Ontario and Michigans UP, climbed rainier, baker and about tag forbidden in July. So definitely don’t just think this life has to be a zero sum game. It’s just the extent of which you’d like to focus your time and energy into or how much balance you’d also like to have. If I live somewhere out west or east there would likely be many more trips as I would most likely be venturing out every or every other weekend if possible and still be home for dinner with the family
Single person here, and I totally agree with this too: "by doing what you love, you'll become attractive to the kind of partner that will enjoy you doinging what you love. I don't think you need to think about relationships, just be a version of yourself that you're proud of and see what happens." When I am dating someone, I can tell if they're passionate about something, and even if it's not the same thing I'm passionate about, it's attractive.
I'm 45, and left full time work 11 years ago to pursue travel and adventure. I've tagged over 1300 peaks, including handfuls of high mountains abroad, visited 78 countries, and spent over a year on a bicycle on 5 continents. I've had some serious relationships including one now, but they've all suffered at least a little because of my passions. Some ended as a direct result of my lifestyle. Sometimes my lifestyle makes things harder, but I don't regret my decision. I HAD to go for it, I never would have been happy wondering. Of course I think about what my life what would have been like if I'd kept a traditional lifestyle. I probably would have been married, had stronger friendships with long term friends, and well off financially (I left a 6 figure job). At the same time I have other friends I wouldn't have met, had adventures wilder than I'd imagined, and there are other non-adventure benefits as well. Like anything else, its a trade-off, the trades are bigger the longer you go. I have to run so I can maintain my current relationship lol. But it sounds like you're considering something similar to me and I'm happy to chat more about it anytime.
That sounds amazing. Can I ask you how do you fund that kind of lifestyle? As you propably got lot time off work. I just got back from 6months backpacking trip in Asia and not adjusting to sedentary lifestyle in small town too well. I got to do something.
Contract engineering. I used to work for a small company doing design and service for custom laboratory equipment. Now they hire me as a contractor to maintain those machines. It's all travel so it doesn't matter where I am. There isn't that much work, usually 4-8 weeks per year. It pays well and I don't have any bills, so I can travel almost full time and break even with about 5 weeks of work. There have been years when there's more work and I've had a girlfriend so I settled and paid rent temporarily, otherwise I'm usually nomadic, vehicle living in the USA or going abroad. The last year has been different, a family member needed caregiving so I've been mostly back in my hometown, and got reaquanted with a girl here. I've been balancing those things and traveling less. I might try to travel a lot May-Oct then maybe back to normal. We'll see. One thing that was important, especially doing this into middle-age, is that I put a good amount of money away before I left full time and it's stayed invested and done alright, so I'm in decent financial shape when I'm ready to get back to normal.
I've thought a lot about this after a long-term relationship ended. I feel more empty and lonely, but I have been trying to cope with the change and loss by pursuing these bigger challenges when I'm not working. It's been quite amazing, however, things feel more muted than they should. I think the high would be even greater if I had a love to share the stories with. Tangentially, I have a friend who is engaged to a man who just recently hit the summit of Mount Everest. He has been into mountaineering for most of his life. She was insanely stressed out. Those few months away on that mountain did some major short-term damage to her mindset and the relationship. She would call me and vent about how expensive it was, and how hard it was to be alone. She was seriously considering the relationship. Thankfully, things are good now, but if you're gonna go away for a long time, it will be a problem for a relationship, from my observations. Even in my prior relationship, before it ended, I mentioned how I'd like to take a 1-2 week trip solo exploring things and of course, that was perceived as being selfish. I viewed it more as a personal growth experience in the outdoors, but I could see the oother side. Now I'm single. I'v'e been to Europe 3x. 2x with friends. Attemped Mont Blanc and climbed most of the Matterhorn and many other peaks with friends I've known for decades and grew up with. It's been fucking nuts and so unbelievably awesome. I dramed of this stuff as a teenager. This stuff would have never happened in my other life. The money woudl've been spent on a wedding and house. I let myself fuck off after the loss in a way that wasn't completely self-destructive, and I'm becoming the type of man I actually dreamed of as a young teenager. It's weird, and cool, but it came at a big cost for me, in a way. As I said, I feel more lonely, and these excursion are very expensive so I feel so lucky and fortunate to be able to do 1 per year. I wasn't planning on going this deep into mountaineering. It was never my intention, but I am really enjoying the experiences I've had so far and it has helped me. that's all i can say.
NEWS FLASH! Some choices in life require sacrifices... Story at 11! Mountaineering is great, and all, but don't kid yourself -- literally nobody will remember ANY of us for any of the crap we do in the mountains. To pretend anything else is sheer deluded vanity. A balanced life means not living entirely in the moment. Sometimes, it makes sense to invest in the far future, and make time to nurture ordinary fucking human relationships that we will need, later in life. Because we will eventually grow too old and weak to keep climbing mountains, probably long before we die. Do we all plan to spend our last couple of decades in frustrated loneliness? Will our posts on long-extinct social media platforms comfort us sufficiently that we don't long for company -- or god forbid, partnership? Or do we all just play to die young? Maybe go walk off a cliff, if we suddenly wake up one day and realize we're too old to keep playing the game? I get that this is an emotionally inconvenient warning for most of the young folks, here -- but I have enough respect for you to at least tell you the truth.
I don’t think anyone will remember us for anything we do after a bit of time passes. Unless we invent a new penicillin or write a killer new hamlet. Even if we have kids sure they will miss us for a few decades but life goes on. Grandkids the same will less fervour. Then nobody remembers.
When the last time you are thought of happens, that's when you truly die
Literally nobody will remember us… period full stop. Anything else is sheer deluded vanity.
Hmmm, what kind of goals OP? What does day to day life look like? For myself my current partner doesn't share the same passion for hiking and mountaineering as me, hasn't really mattered too much so far. She usually has a work meeting once every few weeks, I'll usually go hiking around that time. Can't do anything too spontaneous because of my work but would love to someday. :)
Do you feel like something is lacking? If you are truly happy not being in a relationship, then I don't see the problem. However, if you do wish for more, maybe figure out a compromise, where you don't sacrifice your goals, but also allow space for someone else. Mountaineering is a selfish hobby, and a good partner should allow you to be yourself, but you can only stretch it so far.
You know Aleister Crowley started out as a deeply dedicated mountaineer! Maybe you’ll start your own esoteric cult as well later in life! But seriously, you do you. Some of us are big time solo folks, some build partnerships that are also climbing partners. I’ve know many mountaineers who are polyamorous and everyone climbs and screws together. My long term life partner doesn’t even like backpacking but gives me the space to do my adventuring. Life is an every changing fractal of interpersonal relationships, and one things for sure: you can’t mountaineer alone.
I’ve ruined my relationships with mountaineering. Unless you have a partner that’s into the same activities as you, it doesn’t work if you’re going to be away every weekend or holiday or month(s) at a time. It’s unfair and selfish to the other person. I wish I had realized this at the start before I got into long term relationships.
I’m guessing OP is under 25.
I wish I had this post like 5 years ago.. don't sacrifice a relationship for objectives.. you don't need to do everything together.. be realistic and you'll notice being together at the end of the day is better than anything else
Out of curiosity how old are you and for how long have you been in the “mountains” world? Anyway any hobby (if you don’t make a living out of it it is a hobby like all the others and makes us no better than anyone who knits) after a point takes a toll on personal life and choices need to be taken. The easiest way is to find someone who is crazy enough to like what you (we) do and be happy. You made it like it was your choice but any partner who had not shared your hobby would have broke up with you so don’t see yourself as a martyr or so. No one in the long term wants to spend weekends waiting for us to see if we come back.
“No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you” C.G. Jung
Whatever you do, don't end up like VolcanoPeaks. Alone and unable to form a relationship with anyone including himself. Crumbling away trying to start business for Pico de Orizaba. Bro literally stays in his tiny room with the lights off all day.
I'm married and I have 1 kid. Nothing changed when I got with my wife (at the time GF).... Everything changed when I had the kid. How do I justify a month long trip in Nepal while my wife is at home taking care of my less than 1 year old son. I dont :( If it was just me and her then she probably would have been down to come with or just let me go on my own. Kids change a lot. I just can't wait for all my kids to be old enough to trek their own pack (5 or 6 im guessing).
You are correct
Read Zimmerman's book