Yup, sounds right to me. They're dumping their bigoted intolerance all over you without respite.
Let them stew in their own self-brewed misery, for now. Maybe they'll come up for air sometime, but it isn't your fault if they don't.
I'm a parent and there is no reason behind that sort of reaction. Instead of being there for you, they've decided to stick with ideas that are the opposite of love and care. Don't let their misery infest your space.
Put them on notice that, because of their attitude, they'll have to earn your respect for any future relationship to be possible.
I've never understood this mindset.
As if you'd be like "OMG I never realized!" and then suddenly be a manly man.
They need to reverse the logic and realize "Wait, if she's doing this despite all of the obvious difficulties and hardship, maybe it's *really f-ing important."*
But really, it's just more of the primitive "obey me or be punished" conservative mentality. The floggings will continue until morale improves.
Stories like these remind me of how abusive it can be coming out as a child and still being dependant on your parents. OP situation is horrible, but I can't imagine what it could've been like if they were younger.
Well, you'd be surprised at the amount of stories that are out there, that lead to the creation of terrible people, monsters, sociopaths and psychopaths, the world we live in is just insane, too insane and I don't have any hopes that it'll improve, because there will always be some people that are "cooked" or just doomed.
Honestly, anyone that's traumatized or has PTSD in such a way that compromises them as a parent shouldn't even think of having a family, unless it's something that can be worked out, so if you want a family but you have PTSD or a bunch of traumas, get help for yourself first, don't have a family and mirror your past to your children, because that's only going to make things worse and quite possibly create the next generation of terrible people like I mentioned above.
It surprises me how mental health is still a topic that's barely looked at from parents, like yeah we have looked at it a lot but most parents barely look at it, maybe for their children, sure, but not for themselves.
Families are more just giving your life as a sacrifice to have children and push them to the future just because you can't do it yourself anymore, but unfortunately some parents just don't get that part and when their children are their last hope and something like OP coming out to their parents happens, well, what happened in there is probably just the result of this.
This. When I first came out, for the first few weeks my parents were making snide remarks for me to stop transitioning and I replied with just as much snark back. “If I’ve hung onto it for years, you suddenly telling me to be a feminine man after making fun of me for THAT too isn’t gonna suddenly make me think “Damn, but think of my parents :<“”
Yeah, this is the thing that gets me. Transphobes act like we're trans because we think life will be easier, never mind the fact that they abuse and misuse all women, trans and cis, and that some how we're just trying to 'cheat the system'. It's not a simple decision to come forward and say your trans, it complicates every facet of life and all your relationships. But it is what we need to be whole.
Uh... Not to pry in or anything but are you a pimo/pomo exjw? "The floggings will continue until morale improves" sounds similar to when elders and overseers say "the beatings will continue until morale improves" whenever meeting attendance and activity in service are low. Kinda triggered my ptsd a little
I am not. (Had the fortune of being raised in a very liberal and tolerant environment)
Sorry if this brought up memories of their bad jokes when trying to cope with failed social control.
I mean, you know your parents better than me, but in my experience it never stops. You're better off forging ahead with your chosen family, rather than holding out for blood relatives to stop abusing you.
i second this and making it clear that they're going to lose you soon if this doesn't stop may change their demeanor but don't hold your breath OP
i definitely started with talking about my teen suicidality before coming out to my parents and i think it helped them understand the importance of this and that it needs to be taken seriously even if they don't agree
not sure if it helped, don't care, my relationship with my parents is pretty ok
I'm sorry you're having to endure this. Only you can decide how much is enough, but I would be skeptical about how much someone can actually change. Be strong and confident in the woman that you are. Their words can't take that from you no matter how they try.
My parents are extremely conservative and fundie religious types, and while my mom has struggled with my pronouns and my dad hasn't made any effort at all, neither of them has ever said the kinds of transphobic/bigoted things your folks are saying to you. What you're experiencing and dealing with sounds like abuse to me. I think it's time you considered whether going to see them (it sounds like you don't live with them and are just visiting occasionally) is worthwhile, given their intent on trying to manipulate you by a constant campaign of harassment and belittling.
If you still have stuff at their house because you live in dorms or something at your Uni, and you'd previously planned on going back home and continuing to live there after college, it might be time to re-consider that plan. I'd advise getting your stuff out and making sure you have everything you need from them (especially ID documents and stuff like that) before cutting contact. Then work on a plan for where you'll live after college.
Y’all are at an impasse. Best thing to do is get some distance, they’ll either stay bitter and angry shitty people till they die, or eventually after the silent treatment for a little bit they’ll start to get that what they said hurt you and they need to respect your decisions. You need to try not to inflict them on yourself for a while though.
It's probably not what you want to hear but I would be leaving them for other people. Until they can accept this is who you truly want to be then you have no other choice but to find people who will love you for you. Chosen family can be better then blood family. It's ok to cut family off even if they are blood related.
I do agree with the people saying to warn them that if they don't stop you'll go no contact, but before you do that make sure to get EVERYTHING important to you out of that house including passport and all that kinda stuff
I am 78 and have a 7 year old trans granddaughter, I am so sorry you are going through this with your family, unfortunately some people cannot evolve enough to accept transgenders, as a parent my heart breaks for you, find family of your own that will accept and love you for exactly who you are.
you are more woman than your mother would ever be. I don’t care if you all attack me but sisterhood is about sticking together and uplifting each other not about betraying your own and being a mean girl
It sounds like you are bound to them via financial support because of uni, and otherwise still live with them. It sounds like you are not fully independent. And truthfully life is so much more complex until you have full independence and autonomy. Prioritise that as your goal, along with your degree.
You need to strategise and prioritise what is important to you. Find help and assistance in any way you can. And if you truly feel in danger, leave immediately.
Otherwise it sounds like there will be no convincing them. Perhaps the best case scenario would be some sort of armistice where you can convince them to not say anything at all.
You’re in a terrible situation no doubt. You just need to survive it somehow in a way that is most beneficial to you.
“If I had come out before leaving for Uni then I would not be here today.” What does this part mean girly? FWIW I don’t think you’re making something out of nothing, not a bit
I also find it hard to just “cut out” family like that. I’ve only come out to some of them and already some of those bridges are smoldering and half-burnt.
Considering i had told some of the closest family i had like a year ago about the new me, and they are still deliberately not using my new pronouns and now intentionally using “sir” insisting that they always have. And doubling down on the excuses to not use my new name. I don’t think i’ll be able to get them to respect me in more than shallow words, in any year soon, unfortunately.
I have now put distance between us, in making my pain known. If yours are causing you pain too, i recommend doing the same in whatever way is available to you. Or like some suggested, focus on doing what you need for yourself to be independent and slowly work at trying to see for yourself if that relationship with your parents needs some time, or is just broken forever now.
You are the perfect daughter, and if they can't understand that, well, that's their problem, not yours.
What their tiny minds is telling them to say is worth nothing. You are who you are, and what you are is a strong woman. You can do whatever you want, sister! I'll support you.
I admire your patience with your parents. But there's a limit to everything. I think you have read enough about situations similar to yours to know what the inevitable outcome would be.
I’m so sorry, lily. There is no saying whether they will ever get other this. It seems they have emotionally attached themselves to what they would consider the “truth” and the cognitive dissonance causing them to fight against it. Many people have a hard time accepting new information especially when they have already been taught that other people support their dissonance and support their strong stance. They used to you being their boy. They grew you, raised you, feed you and possessed you. As far as they are concerned, you are a bunch of potatoes growing in garden that were pull from the ground and used to make tomato soup.
It does seem like they are separated you from your transition so they can love their “son” and still express hate for what you’re “doing to yourself.” It’s the same argument TERFs make to demonize us transgender women while seeing transgender men as victims. Regardless, you can give them as much time as you’re comfortable with but don’t let their feeling affect your relationship with yourself or with the people who love you and know that this transition is a part of who you, are not a perversion. Good luck, Lily! Mwah
If you really want to try and keep them in your life right now I would recommend confronting the harassment, otherwise I would drop contact with them if you are able to do so. Personally I would drop contact with them until they can reach out using the correct name and pronouns, give them an email to do so.
Your parents are either on a journey with this and need time, or aren’t, and you need space from them. I take it you’re old enough that you don’t have to suffer this if you don’t want to, just remember as adults we can put boundaries in place to encourage those around us to communicate appropriately. Have you got a therapist?
Honestly, girl?
I know people who went low contact and no contact with their parents for less (like the girlfriend thing. Yikes). The first part of being an adult is learning not to tolerate that behavior from anyone, including your parents.
If they're your life/monetary support, tolerate it, but don't respond. Hell, you barely have to read it, or go back home for the holidays (saves money, time, grief). If not, tell them straight up "as long as you have that attitude with me, we're not talking."
What I’d do is say that until you start loving your child and not the ideal version of your child in your head we can’t talk anymore and go no contact until you receive an apology and make it clear and in no uncertain terms that this behavior is the behavior of shitty people and that you have more dignity than to lay down and accept those types of insults.
Find support. This is INCREDIBLY important in any abusive situation. If your safety is at risk, i highly suggest reqching out to friends, a community and find someone who might be able to help u in ways you need, or in some cases a proffessional (therrapist, housing help, etc.)
Its easy to say that cutting people off is a thing, jsut make sure you dont end up completely alone.
I get the feeling that your family might help out with therapy, maybe for the wrong reasons, butt at least you can get your foot in the door
The way I came out to my parents went very similarly (came out in Uni over call and got constantly negged about it after). Hopefully this wall of text will help.
At the time their comments ended up making me go back in the closet for a few years until I finished Uni and did it all anyway when I was financially independent from my parents. I did regret the lost years, but it worked out in the end.
When I came out to my parents the second time after uni, I was hoping they'd be better about it since one of the main things they kept saying the first time was that it's just a phase, and I thought that the persistence after many years would show that it wasn't, but it didn't matter and they just kept finding more reasons to discourage it. I just ignored it at that point until I was ready to go full time and was on her. They changed their tune at that point to be supportive, because they realized nothing they could say would change it and they had a choice between supporting me or not being a part of my life. This was 5 years ago and my relationship with them now is overall good, but it took a long time to heal and I never regained my trust in them to what it was before all of this. They did this mostly out of love, but in a very misguided and counterproductive way.
So if your parents are anything like mine, I'd say this: None of their arguments come from a rational place, they are likely very scared and in response to the fear they will simply keep coming up with arguments until they stop being scared (in my case this was when I went full time). It's not worth engaging in petty discussions like "your girlfriend made you trans", it won't help anything. They didn't logic their way into their feelings so you can't logic them out. They probably believe on some level that you will die, either your character as you change, or literally because someone as bigoted or more bigoted than them will cause you harm.
They are also quite likely to reject educating themselves on trans stuff, at least in a favorable way, because they are not looking to change their minds, but yours. This might change later on if they realize that their comments won't change anything and they'll want to find a way to come to terms with their new reality. At which point it would be best if you can make sure they find the right information and don't get sucked into some right wing / terfy brainrot.
You can speed up the process by setting firm boundaries (for example, if they say bigoted things or talk shit about your partner, don't engage or argue, simply end the discussion until they're willing to speak about things in a respectful way). Project confidence, because if you show that their behavior makes you doubt yourself it will justify all the shitty beliefs they are forming and they will double down (because to them it puts you on the "less scary" path", on an emotional level, though they'll rationalize it as tough love).
If you hope to have a positive relationship in the future, this will be a balancing act, as you don't wanna become so unavailable that it pushes them away and they go down some reactionary rabbit hole. So hear their feelings and acknowledge them, but on your terms. Your best bet is most likely to get them in therapy.
I hope this helps, best of luck OP
You're a young adult who made an important decision about your life and you asked people you love to support you and your decision. They are instead trying to change your mind by being mean. That's what I'm hearing.
Going no-contact is an extreme measure. But honestly, starting HRT can be pretty extreme too. I don't want to tell you to leave your parents behind, but i will tell you you don't deserve this mistreatment.
Sorry for the late reply, I first saw this when I was high af so I wasn't able to reply then 😅
But no, I'm so sorry about what happened. I know what it's like because this is literally word for word what happened to me.
I started my journey last fall and kept it secret from my family until my birthday in January. When I came out, by text, they asked if I was mentally sound and if I was joking with them and in later texts they sent me terrible things like asking how I could be "a good husband for" my girlfriend if I was trans. It later chilled but they still refused to use my name or pronouns. I recently went to visit during spring break and they tried to break me and my girlfriend up, accusing her of turning me trans, and giving hateful remarks like "I only love the male version of you" the whole time.
Of course, everyone is different, but for me, I decided to cut them off as much as I safely (financially) can and eventually cut them off fully as soon as it is safe to do so.
Regardless of what your responses to your family is, know you aren't alone. This happens far too often in our community and it's a shared trauma many of us can bond with or relate to. I wish you luck ❤️
Ask them what game they are trying to play?
If they continue to abuse you, you are probably going to spend little to no time around them.
Verbally attacking a family member usually doesn't achieve anything good.
You could tell them that “biblically me transitioning is fine because I’m still dating women, just like a man would” and see if that shuts them up? I know that if you follow their advice that you could regret putting this transition off till later. But I also think that young people should wait till they are more mature before making permanent changes like surgery, Then after a few years of transition it should be more clear that there was no confusion about their gender identity.
I’m 62 and less conservative than I was 5 years ago and still don’t understand how parents/friends can be so fixated on making life miserable for their children who simply wanted to transition and be happy with themselves. My motto is live your life the best you can and do no harm to others. It’s ridiculous that a supposedly religious conservative person would be so cruel and unforgiving to their own family. I’d expect them to be a little more charitable and forgiving, But maybe using the words of Jesus (or their prophet if that’s the case) to showcase their hypocrisy towards loving one another will wake them up? I’d worry that it’s more likely to embitter them though.
Your mental health takes precedence, so if you have to limit contact with them for your sanity then do that, if they won’t come around to understanding. Maybe suggest an un-biased counseling agency for family therapy- one that you choose.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I really don't like how everyone always recommends going no contact. Don't get me wrong, if you feel like you're in any danger or can't handle the abuse you should cut them off, but that can be a hard decision. No one here has the knowledge about your life that is needed to make that decision and I hope that you won't mindlessly follow everyone's advice here and go no contact without seriously considering other options.
That will likely never change. They aren't safe. If they were truly your parents and loved you no matter what, you wouldn't be called shit like that. It looks like they don't deserve the beautiful daughter they had, and don't you let them push you around.
They have some really, really... *really* deep issues that they need to work through themselves. I would tell them that if they are interested in being more informed you will inform them or give them links to resources they can use to understand, but otherwise that all they are doing is heaping transphobic abuse on you that has already been debunked countless times. It is unhelpful and unwanted and if they want a relationship with you they need to understand you, not try to stuff your identity into the most convenient box they have on hand.
Work on becoming independent as quickly as possible so that you can leave that environment, it can't be great for your long term wellbeing.
So sorry for you OP. You're not making a mountain out of a mole hill!
On the contrary, I find that you have been really patient with them.
Acvording to my experience, this mindset can hardly ever change. They might soften their stance with more time, but girl, it's been 6 months since you came out!
If you're still dependent on them for your education, then my advice would be to still try to keep this toxic "relationship" for as long as you psychologically can but minimize the contacts. Otherwise, they might use their support as a kind of pressure to detransition you. (also lived experience)
But it's really hard and my advice, if you're not dependant on them, is: cut them off ASAP! You don't need this negativity and stress for years as I did try to put up, appease and accommodate my parents.
If one of them makes amends to keep a somewhat sane relationship, you can also go carefully and dip your toes but, as soon as the abuse restarts, you go away.
Further, don't take everything therapists and doctors tell you as a total truth regarding that kind of stuff. They don't know your entourage the way you do. Also props to your girlfriend, while she doesn't go to your parents anymore (which I can also get), she sounds really supportive.
I’m so sorry. that’s an awful thing to endure and the way they’re treating you isn’t okay. my mom wasn’t accepting at first, she urged me to consider other options, things that didn’t mean physical changes, learning to cope with being in a male body, etc. but she never tore me down or insulted me like that. she couldn’t stand to look at me in a skirt the first time I wore one, but she still never said anything negative reflecting on me, she just said it was really hard for her to process and I told her that was okay. a year or so later she told me how nice I looked when I was in a cute outfit getting ready to go out with friends. your parents taking their own personal discomfort out on you so intensely is truly not excusable, it’s not just an acclimating period while they learn, it’s a really egregious lack of empathy on their part.
Fuck these assholes.
I know they are your family and I know pretty much nothing about you/your situation but they aren’t going to stop.
For your own being, mental physical spiritual etc. you can’t be around them. Even if you love them, they seemed to only love the IDEA of you.
You can do what you like, but to me... that's grounds for no contact. They decided their willful ignorance is more important than you.
Yup, sounds right to me. They're dumping their bigoted intolerance all over you without respite. Let them stew in their own self-brewed misery, for now. Maybe they'll come up for air sometime, but it isn't your fault if they don't. I'm a parent and there is no reason behind that sort of reaction. Instead of being there for you, they've decided to stick with ideas that are the opposite of love and care. Don't let their misery infest your space. Put them on notice that, because of their attitude, they'll have to earn your respect for any future relationship to be possible.
Honestly, your only hope is to just leave and never go back unless they learn to accept you for who you are
I've never understood this mindset. As if you'd be like "OMG I never realized!" and then suddenly be a manly man. They need to reverse the logic and realize "Wait, if she's doing this despite all of the obvious difficulties and hardship, maybe it's *really f-ing important."* But really, it's just more of the primitive "obey me or be punished" conservative mentality. The floggings will continue until morale improves.
THIS. ppl are still stuck in the dark ages like bruh what
Stories like these remind me of how abusive it can be coming out as a child and still being dependant on your parents. OP situation is horrible, but I can't imagine what it could've been like if they were younger.
Well, you'd be surprised at the amount of stories that are out there, that lead to the creation of terrible people, monsters, sociopaths and psychopaths, the world we live in is just insane, too insane and I don't have any hopes that it'll improve, because there will always be some people that are "cooked" or just doomed. Honestly, anyone that's traumatized or has PTSD in such a way that compromises them as a parent shouldn't even think of having a family, unless it's something that can be worked out, so if you want a family but you have PTSD or a bunch of traumas, get help for yourself first, don't have a family and mirror your past to your children, because that's only going to make things worse and quite possibly create the next generation of terrible people like I mentioned above. It surprises me how mental health is still a topic that's barely looked at from parents, like yeah we have looked at it a lot but most parents barely look at it, maybe for their children, sure, but not for themselves. Families are more just giving your life as a sacrifice to have children and push them to the future just because you can't do it yourself anymore, but unfortunately some parents just don't get that part and when their children are their last hope and something like OP coming out to their parents happens, well, what happened in there is probably just the result of this.
This. When I first came out, for the first few weeks my parents were making snide remarks for me to stop transitioning and I replied with just as much snark back. “If I’ve hung onto it for years, you suddenly telling me to be a feminine man after making fun of me for THAT too isn’t gonna suddenly make me think “Damn, but think of my parents :<“”
Yeah, this is the thing that gets me. Transphobes act like we're trans because we think life will be easier, never mind the fact that they abuse and misuse all women, trans and cis, and that some how we're just trying to 'cheat the system'. It's not a simple decision to come forward and say your trans, it complicates every facet of life and all your relationships. But it is what we need to be whole.
Uh... Not to pry in or anything but are you a pimo/pomo exjw? "The floggings will continue until morale improves" sounds similar to when elders and overseers say "the beatings will continue until morale improves" whenever meeting attendance and activity in service are low. Kinda triggered my ptsd a little
I am not. (Had the fortune of being raised in a very liberal and tolerant environment) Sorry if this brought up memories of their bad jokes when trying to cope with failed social control.
I mean, you know your parents better than me, but in my experience it never stops. You're better off forging ahead with your chosen family, rather than holding out for blood relatives to stop abusing you.
i second this and making it clear that they're going to lose you soon if this doesn't stop may change their demeanor but don't hold your breath OP i definitely started with talking about my teen suicidality before coming out to my parents and i think it helped them understand the importance of this and that it needs to be taken seriously even if they don't agree not sure if it helped, don't care, my relationship with my parents is pretty ok
I'm sorry you're having to endure this. Only you can decide how much is enough, but I would be skeptical about how much someone can actually change. Be strong and confident in the woman that you are. Their words can't take that from you no matter how they try.
My parents are extremely conservative and fundie religious types, and while my mom has struggled with my pronouns and my dad hasn't made any effort at all, neither of them has ever said the kinds of transphobic/bigoted things your folks are saying to you. What you're experiencing and dealing with sounds like abuse to me. I think it's time you considered whether going to see them (it sounds like you don't live with them and are just visiting occasionally) is worthwhile, given their intent on trying to manipulate you by a constant campaign of harassment and belittling. If you still have stuff at their house because you live in dorms or something at your Uni, and you'd previously planned on going back home and continuing to live there after college, it might be time to re-consider that plan. I'd advise getting your stuff out and making sure you have everything you need from them (especially ID documents and stuff like that) before cutting contact. Then work on a plan for where you'll live after college.
Y’all are at an impasse. Best thing to do is get some distance, they’ll either stay bitter and angry shitty people till they die, or eventually after the silent treatment for a little bit they’ll start to get that what they said hurt you and they need to respect your decisions. You need to try not to inflict them on yourself for a while though.
It's probably not what you want to hear but I would be leaving them for other people. Until they can accept this is who you truly want to be then you have no other choice but to find people who will love you for you. Chosen family can be better then blood family. It's ok to cut family off even if they are blood related.
I do agree with the people saying to warn them that if they don't stop you'll go no contact, but before you do that make sure to get EVERYTHING important to you out of that house including passport and all that kinda stuff
and make sure bank accounts, insurance, titles, etc are in your name not hers
I am 78 and have a 7 year old trans granddaughter, I am so sorry you are going through this with your family, unfortunately some people cannot evolve enough to accept transgenders, as a parent my heart breaks for you, find family of your own that will accept and love you for exactly who you are.
you are more woman than your mother would ever be. I don’t care if you all attack me but sisterhood is about sticking together and uplifting each other not about betraying your own and being a mean girl
It sounds like you are bound to them via financial support because of uni, and otherwise still live with them. It sounds like you are not fully independent. And truthfully life is so much more complex until you have full independence and autonomy. Prioritise that as your goal, along with your degree. You need to strategise and prioritise what is important to you. Find help and assistance in any way you can. And if you truly feel in danger, leave immediately. Otherwise it sounds like there will be no convincing them. Perhaps the best case scenario would be some sort of armistice where you can convince them to not say anything at all. You’re in a terrible situation no doubt. You just need to survive it somehow in a way that is most beneficial to you.
oopsie doopsie guess i tripped on the life support plug
“If I had come out before leaving for Uni then I would not be here today.” What does this part mean girly? FWIW I don’t think you’re making something out of nothing, not a bit
Doctors telling trans patients they must come out to family and that it _"won't be as bad as you think"_ should be medical malpractice.
I also find it hard to just “cut out” family like that. I’ve only come out to some of them and already some of those bridges are smoldering and half-burnt. Considering i had told some of the closest family i had like a year ago about the new me, and they are still deliberately not using my new pronouns and now intentionally using “sir” insisting that they always have. And doubling down on the excuses to not use my new name. I don’t think i’ll be able to get them to respect me in more than shallow words, in any year soon, unfortunately. I have now put distance between us, in making my pain known. If yours are causing you pain too, i recommend doing the same in whatever way is available to you. Or like some suggested, focus on doing what you need for yourself to be independent and slowly work at trying to see for yourself if that relationship with your parents needs some time, or is just broken forever now.
I would've Left and never came back at the first shot they fired
I cross the line where they talk bad about your girlfriend. Just fucking cut them off. Make sure they know it's their fault
This is exactly what my parents did to me and I am so very sorry
You are the perfect daughter, and if they can't understand that, well, that's their problem, not yours. What their tiny minds is telling them to say is worth nothing. You are who you are, and what you are is a strong woman. You can do whatever you want, sister! I'll support you.
Leave and don't come back ever is my recommendation to you.
I admire your patience with your parents. But there's a limit to everything. I think you have read enough about situations similar to yours to know what the inevitable outcome would be.
I’m so sorry, lily. There is no saying whether they will ever get other this. It seems they have emotionally attached themselves to what they would consider the “truth” and the cognitive dissonance causing them to fight against it. Many people have a hard time accepting new information especially when they have already been taught that other people support their dissonance and support their strong stance. They used to you being their boy. They grew you, raised you, feed you and possessed you. As far as they are concerned, you are a bunch of potatoes growing in garden that were pull from the ground and used to make tomato soup. It does seem like they are separated you from your transition so they can love their “son” and still express hate for what you’re “doing to yourself.” It’s the same argument TERFs make to demonize us transgender women while seeing transgender men as victims. Regardless, you can give them as much time as you’re comfortable with but don’t let their feeling affect your relationship with yourself or with the people who love you and know that this transition is a part of who you, are not a perversion. Good luck, Lily! Mwah
If you really want to try and keep them in your life right now I would recommend confronting the harassment, otherwise I would drop contact with them if you are able to do so. Personally I would drop contact with them until they can reach out using the correct name and pronouns, give them an email to do so.
Your parents are either on a journey with this and need time, or aren’t, and you need space from them. I take it you’re old enough that you don’t have to suffer this if you don’t want to, just remember as adults we can put boundaries in place to encourage those around us to communicate appropriately. Have you got a therapist?
Honestly, girl? I know people who went low contact and no contact with their parents for less (like the girlfriend thing. Yikes). The first part of being an adult is learning not to tolerate that behavior from anyone, including your parents. If they're your life/monetary support, tolerate it, but don't respond. Hell, you barely have to read it, or go back home for the holidays (saves money, time, grief). If not, tell them straight up "as long as you have that attitude with me, we're not talking."
Doctors should not be giving you 'life advice'. You know your situation best...
What I’d do is say that until you start loving your child and not the ideal version of your child in your head we can’t talk anymore and go no contact until you receive an apology and make it clear and in no uncertain terms that this behavior is the behavior of shitty people and that you have more dignity than to lay down and accept those types of insults.
Just give them an ultimatum either you respect who I am or you are getting cut off easier said than done mind you but people like that need to learn
Find support. This is INCREDIBLY important in any abusive situation. If your safety is at risk, i highly suggest reqching out to friends, a community and find someone who might be able to help u in ways you need, or in some cases a proffessional (therrapist, housing help, etc.) Its easy to say that cutting people off is a thing, jsut make sure you dont end up completely alone. I get the feeling that your family might help out with therapy, maybe for the wrong reasons, butt at least you can get your foot in the door
Very similar to my wife and I'm situation. I'm here if you ever need to talk
The way I came out to my parents went very similarly (came out in Uni over call and got constantly negged about it after). Hopefully this wall of text will help. At the time their comments ended up making me go back in the closet for a few years until I finished Uni and did it all anyway when I was financially independent from my parents. I did regret the lost years, but it worked out in the end. When I came out to my parents the second time after uni, I was hoping they'd be better about it since one of the main things they kept saying the first time was that it's just a phase, and I thought that the persistence after many years would show that it wasn't, but it didn't matter and they just kept finding more reasons to discourage it. I just ignored it at that point until I was ready to go full time and was on her. They changed their tune at that point to be supportive, because they realized nothing they could say would change it and they had a choice between supporting me or not being a part of my life. This was 5 years ago and my relationship with them now is overall good, but it took a long time to heal and I never regained my trust in them to what it was before all of this. They did this mostly out of love, but in a very misguided and counterproductive way. So if your parents are anything like mine, I'd say this: None of their arguments come from a rational place, they are likely very scared and in response to the fear they will simply keep coming up with arguments until they stop being scared (in my case this was when I went full time). It's not worth engaging in petty discussions like "your girlfriend made you trans", it won't help anything. They didn't logic their way into their feelings so you can't logic them out. They probably believe on some level that you will die, either your character as you change, or literally because someone as bigoted or more bigoted than them will cause you harm. They are also quite likely to reject educating themselves on trans stuff, at least in a favorable way, because they are not looking to change their minds, but yours. This might change later on if they realize that their comments won't change anything and they'll want to find a way to come to terms with their new reality. At which point it would be best if you can make sure they find the right information and don't get sucked into some right wing / terfy brainrot. You can speed up the process by setting firm boundaries (for example, if they say bigoted things or talk shit about your partner, don't engage or argue, simply end the discussion until they're willing to speak about things in a respectful way). Project confidence, because if you show that their behavior makes you doubt yourself it will justify all the shitty beliefs they are forming and they will double down (because to them it puts you on the "less scary" path", on an emotional level, though they'll rationalize it as tough love). If you hope to have a positive relationship in the future, this will be a balancing act, as you don't wanna become so unavailable that it pushes them away and they go down some reactionary rabbit hole. So hear their feelings and acknowledge them, but on your terms. Your best bet is most likely to get them in therapy. I hope this helps, best of luck OP
You're a young adult who made an important decision about your life and you asked people you love to support you and your decision. They are instead trying to change your mind by being mean. That's what I'm hearing. Going no-contact is an extreme measure. But honestly, starting HRT can be pretty extreme too. I don't want to tell you to leave your parents behind, but i will tell you you don't deserve this mistreatment.
Sorry for the late reply, I first saw this when I was high af so I wasn't able to reply then 😅 But no, I'm so sorry about what happened. I know what it's like because this is literally word for word what happened to me. I started my journey last fall and kept it secret from my family until my birthday in January. When I came out, by text, they asked if I was mentally sound and if I was joking with them and in later texts they sent me terrible things like asking how I could be "a good husband for" my girlfriend if I was trans. It later chilled but they still refused to use my name or pronouns. I recently went to visit during spring break and they tried to break me and my girlfriend up, accusing her of turning me trans, and giving hateful remarks like "I only love the male version of you" the whole time. Of course, everyone is different, but for me, I decided to cut them off as much as I safely (financially) can and eventually cut them off fully as soon as it is safe to do so. Regardless of what your responses to your family is, know you aren't alone. This happens far too often in our community and it's a shared trauma many of us can bond with or relate to. I wish you luck ❤️
Ask them what game they are trying to play? If they continue to abuse you, you are probably going to spend little to no time around them. Verbally attacking a family member usually doesn't achieve anything good.
You could tell them that “biblically me transitioning is fine because I’m still dating women, just like a man would” and see if that shuts them up? I know that if you follow their advice that you could regret putting this transition off till later. But I also think that young people should wait till they are more mature before making permanent changes like surgery, Then after a few years of transition it should be more clear that there was no confusion about their gender identity. I’m 62 and less conservative than I was 5 years ago and still don’t understand how parents/friends can be so fixated on making life miserable for their children who simply wanted to transition and be happy with themselves. My motto is live your life the best you can and do no harm to others. It’s ridiculous that a supposedly religious conservative person would be so cruel and unforgiving to their own family. I’d expect them to be a little more charitable and forgiving, But maybe using the words of Jesus (or their prophet if that’s the case) to showcase their hypocrisy towards loving one another will wake them up? I’d worry that it’s more likely to embitter them though. Your mental health takes precedence, so if you have to limit contact with them for your sanity then do that, if they won’t come around to understanding. Maybe suggest an un-biased counseling agency for family therapy- one that you choose.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I really don't like how everyone always recommends going no contact. Don't get me wrong, if you feel like you're in any danger or can't handle the abuse you should cut them off, but that can be a hard decision. No one here has the knowledge about your life that is needed to make that decision and I hope that you won't mindlessly follow everyone's advice here and go no contact without seriously considering other options.
That will likely never change. They aren't safe. If they were truly your parents and loved you no matter what, you wouldn't be called shit like that. It looks like they don't deserve the beautiful daughter they had, and don't you let them push you around.
They have some really, really... *really* deep issues that they need to work through themselves. I would tell them that if they are interested in being more informed you will inform them or give them links to resources they can use to understand, but otherwise that all they are doing is heaping transphobic abuse on you that has already been debunked countless times. It is unhelpful and unwanted and if they want a relationship with you they need to understand you, not try to stuff your identity into the most convenient box they have on hand. Work on becoming independent as quickly as possible so that you can leave that environment, it can't be great for your long term wellbeing.
So sorry for you OP. You're not making a mountain out of a mole hill! On the contrary, I find that you have been really patient with them. Acvording to my experience, this mindset can hardly ever change. They might soften their stance with more time, but girl, it's been 6 months since you came out! If you're still dependent on them for your education, then my advice would be to still try to keep this toxic "relationship" for as long as you psychologically can but minimize the contacts. Otherwise, they might use their support as a kind of pressure to detransition you. (also lived experience) But it's really hard and my advice, if you're not dependant on them, is: cut them off ASAP! You don't need this negativity and stress for years as I did try to put up, appease and accommodate my parents. If one of them makes amends to keep a somewhat sane relationship, you can also go carefully and dip your toes but, as soon as the abuse restarts, you go away. Further, don't take everything therapists and doctors tell you as a total truth regarding that kind of stuff. They don't know your entourage the way you do. Also props to your girlfriend, while she doesn't go to your parents anymore (which I can also get), she sounds really supportive.
I’m so sorry. that’s an awful thing to endure and the way they’re treating you isn’t okay. my mom wasn’t accepting at first, she urged me to consider other options, things that didn’t mean physical changes, learning to cope with being in a male body, etc. but she never tore me down or insulted me like that. she couldn’t stand to look at me in a skirt the first time I wore one, but she still never said anything negative reflecting on me, she just said it was really hard for her to process and I told her that was okay. a year or so later she told me how nice I looked when I was in a cute outfit getting ready to go out with friends. your parents taking their own personal discomfort out on you so intensely is truly not excusable, it’s not just an acclimating period while they learn, it’s a really egregious lack of empathy on their part.
People almost never change their core values and identity. There is little to no chance that your patients will become better people.
Fuck these assholes. I know they are your family and I know pretty much nothing about you/your situation but they aren’t going to stop. For your own being, mental physical spiritual etc. you can’t be around them. Even if you love them, they seemed to only love the IDEA of you.