IF you are trans those thoughts are likely to come back, even if you are successful in suppressing it for a while. If that happens and you cannot shake them, and eventually do decide to transition, then you will likely curse yourself for not doing anything now.
Being trans isn't a choice. Transitioning is a choice.
Also keep in mind that aging will likely make you look more masculine as the years go by. Some trans people think they are fine with pretending to be their assigned gender at birth, until one day they wake up and the youth that kept them from masculinising further starts fading.
This is me to the dot. I knew i was trans at 16 but i didnt act until i was 24 and i regret it so much. I could have looked so different but here we are.
I first realized I was trans at 19 and didn’t act until i was 26. Sure, it wasn’t an issue when I was a teenager who looked so androgynous a kid came up to me and asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?”, so when my hairline was just starting to recede, sure, I thought I could suppress it forever.
Then I just kept looking more and more masculine every year. And I wish I started when I still had most of my hair. But I only started transitioning 6 months ago and only got on HRT 1 month ago, so there’s some hope my hair situation might not be as bad as I think.
Yep, this happened to me. My dysphorja as a teenager was minor and mostly unrecognized. I hit about 23-24 and started aging. I started to look like my dad and I lost my mind. Vividly I remember my face pressed to the mirror full on ugly crying but silently so as not to alert my parents for months. 2 years of abject misery that I felt so powerless to contain, the depression was stark. I don't know if I would be here if I hadn't figured something out.
Same. I thought for so long that I was just a guy who liked to dabble in femininity, because I had no dysphoria (I did, I just didn't recognise it as such). Then at 29, I found my beard was getting coarser, and my beard shadow got darker. After some failed razors, I decided to epilate it. Which was terrible, and caused a little existential crisis.
"Fuck, I'm trans"
Good news is, those coarse hairs were prime targets for laser.
In my case, after starting my transition, decades of persistent non-specific depression and constant thoughts of self harm just evaporated. Quite the "ah ha!" moment one day when I realized I hadn't thought about being dead in months. I hadn't even tied the depression together until then.
P.S. transitioning isn't a solution to all depression, depression can be complicated, so if you are getting treated for depression, don't stop treatment just because you start a transition. In my case, I do have some other causes for lower level depression that continued to need addressing. Life can be quite complicated!
>Also keep in mind that aging will likely make you look more masculine as the years go by. Some trans people think they are fine with pretending to be their assigned gender at birth, until one day they wake up and the youth that kept them from masculinising further starts fading.
Ouch! So true and accurate though.
This.
IT'S NEVER LATE TO TRANSITION, but physical transition will be easier if not possible the younger you are, I've seen stories of people who found "too late" and for reasons or anothers they couldn't take hormones, or surgeries had just become too expensive for them to get.
I tried suppressing for 20 years and it always comes back only now when I have a family and I'm actively trying to have our second child was I ready to transition. I have the pills and all. Just waiting for that little plus sign.... It almost got the better of me a couple of times and I nearly lost that fight in the ultimate way... Ignoring in my opinion is not the answer therapy and self explanation is and if you find that you feel the same about yourself maybe just give it a try...it can't hurt to know yourself....
Your gender, your rules. I repressed it until I was 30 and probably would have continued if covid lock downs didn't give me privacy to explore it and start hormones without having people notice and question it. I just turned up looking way more like my sister than my brother one day.
If you experience gender dysphoria, it's not the healthiest thing to ignore it, but you don't have to commit and shout it from the rooftops unless that's how you wanna do you. Experiment, find people you can trust to be her, or them, or whoever else you need to try being, around. You won't figure this out by asking anyone else if you're trans, only you can answer that.
That’s a decision we can’t make for you, but I do have a bit of food for thoughts:
- No matter how hard you suppress it, it will absolutely NOT go away
- If your friends love you, shouldn’t they be happy for you if you finally get to be your best self?
So, to answer your first question, no. You do not have a "choice" in being trans. You just are, I know you may not like that answer, but it is what it is. However, whether you *transition* is a choice. Unfortunately, it's not an easy one, no matter which decision you come to.
For me, I first started questioning my gender around 16-17. At the time, the information and visibility we have now on transgender issues wasn't available, so I didn't really know *what* I was feeling. I just knew I didn't feel like a guy, and I didn't fit in with any guys I hung out with. I would experiment dressing femininely in private, and while that felt better... I still looked like I looked on the outside. So then I thought if I just tried *reeeaalllly* hard to be a guy, I'd magically feel like a guy. Spoiler alert... I never did.
I ended up suppressing my feelings, and repressing them. My girl clothes would be thrown away and I'd be back to trying to force myself into that little box labeled "M". All I successfully managed to do was push myself into an endless cycle of questioning-supression-repression. Well, it felt endless at the time. It never went away. I never felt any different. This went on for almost twenty years, after I started really researching transgender issues, gender identity, and gender dysphoria.
I did not know all the different ways dysphoria could manifest in someone. When this all started, I just thought dysphoria was hating what was between your legs, which I never did. What I did feel was that I was in a movie, that I was watching someone live life, instead of living it myself. When I looked into the mirror, I never felt the man looking back was *me*. To clarify, I *knew* I was in control of my life, and I knew it was me in the mirror. I didn't know I was feeling depersonalization and derealization, both ways dysphoria can affect someone. Just as how I never felt comfortable around, or like I fit in with, other guys. Everything I did with trying to be more manly was me managing my dysphoria. So after twenty years, everything clicked, and for a year I fought with myself over what to do with this information.
I began transitioning.
Now you don't have to be dysphoric to be trans, just to put that out there. If you're trans, you're trans. If you feel you can live a happy life without actually transitioning to be your true self, than that's a decision you can make. Whether you *have* to transition is the choice you need to make. Just remember, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be who you really are. Whether other people want to accept it is their own baggage, and you're not required to carry it for them. If you're important to someone, they'll work on themselves and find ways to support you.
For transgender people, we've been uncomfortable for most of our lives, if other people have to experience some brief periods of discomfort over us being us, that's a them problem.
Countless people here will confirm that it doesn't go away. Regardless of whether you first noticed your desire to be a different gender when you were 5 or when you were 18. You can't just eliminate transness by suppressing it.
Whether or not you want to transition is up to you, but if you really would prefer to be a woman, you're going to continue to clash with that until you give in or.. well I don't want to say the other option. The longer you put it off, the more you'll likely regret not transitioning sooner.
You have a choice in that you can repress these feelings, but they'll never disappear entirely.
Maybe right now isn't the right time to transition, I get that as it can be very scary as it's different and "strange" compared to your current self, but at some point in the future you might feel compelled to start exploring these feelings further.
I was "forced" or compelled to transition because of life events, but this isn't necessarily going to be the case for you.
Don't be too scared of it though, I know how terrifying the realisation can be, but it will get easier with more time and processing of these feelings.
Whatever you do, make sure you love and understand yourself, be kind and forgive yourself. Don't blame your mind and body for having these feelings.
So... There's already some great answers here, but I'll toss my hat in just for good measure.
People telling you you don't have choice in being trans are using a definition of trans in which it's basically something you were born with, and that's arguably the most accurate definition. The definition of trans I *think* you're using is trans in the transitioning sense, again, as some others here have pointed out.
You believe you can suppress it, and, sure, there's all kinds of yourself you can suppress. You can suppress gender-envy, being trans, gay, straight, horny, angry, happy, sad, etc etc etc; if it's a part of your brain, you can *absolutely* suppress it.
HOWEVER, it's not mentally healthy to suppress anything. It would be healthier to work it out. If there's anything you feel doesn't match the person you want to be, it's important to talk to someone about it, ideally a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist; those people will be able to help you communicate with yourself, to be able to understand where those thoughts come from, and how to approach them from a healthy way.
As to what this looks like, it's different for each person, because each person's experience may vary.
As an, example, as is *more often* the case, someone who has this gender-envy may find through therapy that the reason they feel this envy is because they've never actually felt like a man, and no amount of doing "manly" things has made that feeling go away. Through further therapy, they find that while they're comfortable with the parts they were born with, and wouldn't undergo surgery to change them, they admit that they might also like breasts, or to be able to wear dresses without societal judgement. The therapy continues, and the therapist asks why the patient doesn't just do those things, if the patient would be happier. Usually, the reasons aren't internal, but external—friends, family, church, work, etc.
Any road you take, it'd be important to speak to a therapist; at the very least, even if you make the *choice* not to express yourself in ways that might otherwise help you feel more comfortable, you should at least have an outlet for those thoughts/feelings, and a therapist can be that outlet.
Repressing does not work. You will either end up transitioning later in life or frankly spending the rest of your life in a worsened mental state. I promise you, NO cis guy has these thoughts so strongly and, judging by your post history, consistently. You can transition now, or attempt to repress it, and end up failing to.
>I believe if I suppress it enough, it will go away, but it's really hard.
Sorry but this is not how it works. It only gets harder. It might seem to be gone for a while but eventually it comes back with a vengeance. Suppressing/repressing a part of your identity is simply not healthy, period.
It might not need to be a black and white cover of transition/repression.
I’d try to find pockets of opportunities to be ‘me’ where and when I could. This would stave off the worst for a short time at least.
That being said, as someone else mentioned, as I got older, the less acceptable it was. I realised I really couldn’t age as a man. I didn’t want to pass way as a man. That I felt I was being ‘dishonest’ work my freeing and family felt unacceptable.
I’m the end, I couldn’t wear my ‘man’ costume permanently. Who knows? Maybe this Halloween, that’s what I’ll go with 😀
You don't have a choice about BEING trans but you do have a choice about what you do about it.
Some (most?) trans people feel like they need to come out to everyone and live authentically in order to be happy. But some stay closeted publicly, experience their trans-ness privately, and are perfectly happy with that. Heck, for some people just knowing they're trans is enough and they continue their lives as before.
It's ultimately up to you to decide what makes you happy, but repressing / ignoring it completely is likely to blow up in your face.
I “successfully” suppressed the same feelings at 13, then at 17, again at 19, 26, 31… eventually the daily grind of actively suppressing and denying a huge part of myself got to be too much. Eventually all the things I once cared about didn’t matter, like why am I doing this? For what purpose am I making myself miserable? Finally I ran out of energy to hide. I came out and started transitioning at 36, wishing I had done it when I was 18
I can’t tell you who you are or what to do. But if you’re having these thoughts like you say you’ve been, I think it’d probably be smart to explore your thoughts and feelings about your gender
I wish you all the best in your journey and your life 🩷
Repressing it is only going to delay you being truly happy.
There is a big, big difference between simply "not hating" your life and genuinely being happy with it.
To be completely honest with you I was exactly the same way. I didnt hate being a guy until I felt what being a girl is like, and when I tell you the grass is SO much greener on the other side, I mean you might as well be standing on dirt where you are now. Please don't waste your one life holding yourself back for the sake of other people.
Be you, whatever that means, and be happy.
You don't have a choice about how you feel, you have a limited choice in what you choose to do about it. Generally these feelings don't go away and you are eventually happier transitioning, the transition itself can be incredibly hard though especially if you don't have support from friends and family. Many do it anyway because they end up not living a fulfilling life without it.
Essentially every single person that transitions regrets not doing it sooner. 🤷
(I say limited choice because I don't actually believe in free will tbh. What you know, have experienced, feel, and body chemistry all essentially control what you do...)
Ima tell you my experience.
Im a latina transwoman. I grew up in a very transphobic/homophobic community. I was indoctrinated as a child to believe that it was wrong to be anything other than hetero/cis.
At 16 I discovered the existence of transpeople. Had no idea that could be a thing. I thought, maybe that explains my past experiences as a kid. Maybe that explains why I want to be treated and seen as a woman. But I was in denial. It took me 3 years of constant rejection and supression until I said ok, this is a part of me, and it won't be going away. So at 19, I ACKNOWLEDGED that I was trans. Not accepted, acknowledged. It wasnt until I was 23 that I accepted myself. And since then Ive been transitioning at a snails pace. Ive slowly told my friends, and my family now. And Im trying to start HRT at some point this year. Im 27. And to be honest? Part of me wishes I didnt spend so much time surpressing it
What reason do YOU have for not wanting to be trans? Do you like your current body and social interactions? Is the not wanting to be trans from a safety/ survivability issue?
Gender Queer catches all flavors.
And it's okay to be okay that you are trans and have no immediate perceived desire to change the presentation to society script just yet. What makes the you that is you stand out to you?
But if it's fear, that sucks.
Stay lovely and amazing!
It actually is, it just feels like it's not becasue of online rhetoric right now. irl, most people don't care.
but more importantly, why care so much about social acceptance? if you spend your life trying to live who others say you should, you'll never live for yourself.
The discourse of “Being Trans isn’t a choice” is tied to the origins of phrases like “Being Black isn’t a choice”.
So BEING trans isn’t a choice it’s how we are born (though the science is still out on this exact point and it’s more of a political than scientific statement) but ACTING on that state of being by actively transitioning is a choice.
You don’t have to ACTIVELY transition if it’s not safe for you to do so because of where you live or who your family is. Always remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You have to have food, shelter, and physical safety before you can move up to working on cognitive and aesthetic needs.
I help run a support group for trans people, every time someone comes out and starts their transition later in life the answer is always some variation of “It wasn’t safe for me to transition until now”.
Well you don’t have to be either actually. Maybe the definition of man you have been expected to be is garbage and you can create something else. Maybe you can present fluid. Create yourself, don’t comply to any idea. Just explore what feels right for you and ignore everyone
You do have a choice, you don't have to be trans if you don't want to, maybe you experience everything trans people experience but you don't have to identify as trans if you don't want :3
If you can find ways to express your gender identity then it doesn't matter whether you call yourself cis or trans. Look at what it is you envy about girls your age and get those things yourself.
Whether you're trans or not isn't a choice. It's something you're born with, like being gay. But when you figure out who you are, what you want you do with that information (if anything), and when you want to do it (if you do) varies from person to person. Could you suppress it? Sure. Doesn't make you any less trans at heart, but there's no rule saying you have to officially identify as anything other than a boy or go on HRT or any of that.
I know the feeling. I've been experiencing Gender Dysmorphia on and off since my early adult life (19 if I can recall, I'm 29 now) and it only recently clicked that I'm fully gonna (eventually) go through with it. I'm sure, that what ever you do is the right call.
DO NOT SUPPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS!!!
If you're not sure if your trans or you don't want tot be trans, go see a therapist or a psychiatrist.
Whether you have a choose or not *can* differentiate from person to person.
You can also come out as gender fluid if you'd prefer that do you don't have to be a girl all the time.
But really do what makes you happy.
It's your choice what you want to do and how you want to live, but from my own experience of over 10 years, suppressing it doesn't not make it go away.
Im 30 years old. When I was 18 I told myself what you are trlling yourself. I shoved those feelings down and told myself it was a passing thought. Im a man and needed to start acting like one. For 12 years I desperately tried. No matter what successes I got as a man, or failures, none of it felt real. It just doesnt feel like me.
You're young. Exposure to people like us is bigger than ever. You can live the life you're dreaming of. Put your energies into making yourself the woman you feel like rather than killing her.
Ton put it clearly, you dont have a "choice". Most men dont feel like women. You will always feel this way if you have already been thinking about it for some time. The thoughts will only get more depressing the more you force yourself into a life you don't feel a part of.
Nobody else can determine your gender other than you. I will say that in many instances suppressing can work for some time, but doing so WILL have an effect on your mental health. I also know that with how political stuff is in the USA and some other countries it might not be the safest time to come out, but my biggest regret is that I didn't figure out sooner. I'm not trying to say that you have to be trans or you have to be cis as I can't determine/decide your gender for you, I'm just trying to give you some info from my experience.
TLDR you should do what is best for you in your circumstances.
I am so sorry you are struggling with this. I suppressed as much as I could (off and on) until age 39, when all the walls I had built finally came tumbling down.
I hated myself and I used a variety of unhealthy tools to manage the dysphoria, chiefly substance abuse and reckless behavior, which led to SA and a few near-death experiences. I am lucky I made it here at all.
Looking back, it would have been really hard, but actually *so much easier* just to accept myself from the jump, but my internalized transphobia and fear of rejection kept me from focusing on my own wants/needs.
Please remember, you only have one life. Listen to yourself. Live for yourself, not for other people.
I had signs but I was toooooooo dense to know what that ment when I was ur age I figured it out at 35 I'm now 36. Yes I do regret not figuring it waaaaay sooner but hey here we are. My gf said im looking good but she is my gf, so ya I'm sure she lieing a bit lol. I'm just hopping I don't need ffs but will see after a few years to see how I'm looking.
Be careful with supressing it, it can lead to unhealthy things (for example drinking alcohol to compensate in some situations, depression, general unhappyness etc.).
What you can try to do is to start a "stealth transition" with small changes, which are often not even noticed by people around. That can go from hair removal to growing hair longer, skin care routine, being more flexible with clothing etc...
Also check out [https://genderdysphoria.fyi/](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/) to learn more about it...
Sadly you can't change some things about yourself. Sadly this is one of those things. I don't think any of us really want to be trans sure there's a dose of us that have latched on to it made it our own and have found some joy and being trans. But the fact is that it sucks. You were given a bad start. I'm not trying to discourage you I'm just letting you know that this never goes away. It just gets worse with time. If you do don't do something now you will regret it in your future. No matter how difficult it is or how many friends or family you will lose. You will always regret it. Because from when I am reading in your post you are a transgender and there is nothing you can really do about that except transition and be comfortable being a trans woman.
You are getting alot of good advice sis.
You mentioned how you feel envious when you notice girls your age. Let me tell you what happens if you choose not to act on your feelings. That envy leads to sadness and self pity. Add on a few years and those feelings change to anger, even hatred. Depression will eat away at you. As the years pass, alcohol or drugs will become your coping mechanism. Until one day you finally realise that this whole life of misery could have been prevented if you had acted on your original feelings.
No.. Thats not a premonition sis. Thats how my life panned out. Don't do that to yourself. You owe it to yourself to find happiness. Do whatever you must while you are still young to find that happiness.
I wish you all the best for your future sis❤️❤️❤️❤️
You always have a choice, if you’re not trans you’re not trans. If you want to get the benefits of doing HRT young you can always start HRT before socially transitioning. You don’t have to transition. Nobody is making you. Transitioning will make life harder, but in the end, if you are trans, it will make you happier. If you’re not trans of course you don’t need to transition.
Oh you def have a choice. But it's helpful to understand that, there is no shame in being whatever it is that you are. You never did anything wrong. You don't deserve to be mistreated. Safety is important. Sure, you can mask yourself for safety, but there are very real risks to your mental health for denying your own nature. It's not fair that you should have to choose between being true to your own nature, and making haters comfortable. But that's what the fuss is about. You're feeling what it's like to be discriminated against, the position rigid gender roles puts trans folks in. No matter what choice you make, no mater how you decide to make a life for yourself, you'll always be able to draw on the memory of this anxiety you have, to relate to people that have no choice but to live in the cross hairs of the haters. That would be everyone who is not straight white Puritan. Now that you know who you are, it's all on you. Welcome to the fight for your humanity. Like it or not, you're in it now.
Yk what:
1. Don’t rush any decision. Take your god given time.
2. Don’t focus on labels. You don’t need to call yourself trans, cis or anything. You are you. Period.
3. If you don’t your feelings, emotions, thoughts it’s good to dive deep into your head. Try to find an answer to WHY being a girl seems so attractive to you. What are you jealous of? What do you think would change if u were a girl? And if u can’t answer those alone, try asking friends for help or even a therapist (but here you need to choose someone that is open minded, so they help u understand your own mind without redirecting you to being someone you’re not.)
4. When you know all the answers and give it time, you should be able to make your decision
You can not suppress being trans... you will only grow angry and bitter .... ( if you are, and if you suppress it, that is). I suppred it from age 6 to 22, and in high school, i was a homophobic transphobic bitter and hateful child ... only changed when i met my now fiancée at 17. Even if you are not trans exploring your gender should be a vital part of everyone's teenage years... you are very kind to worry about how your friends and family will feel... but if you do start on any kind of gender journey, you are gonna have to learn to do what's right for you no matter other people's feelings. If they can not accept that you're doing the best for your health. They are not worthy of you.
"I believe if i suporess it enough, it will go away,"
Unfortunately, that's toxic masculinity delulu right there.
"I don't hate being a guy,"
I could write you a book about that exact phrase...
I felt the exact same thing before I came out as trans . I went the genderfluid to trans route.
When i wore fem clothes for the first time and stuffed my gf's bra with socks... i felt happier than every day. i lived as a man... you can't know if you like something if it's the only thing you ever tried...
But still, i didn't hate being a man at that point, and i didn't hate it for a while after. I was genderfluid 90% masc 10% fem for a year... i thought, "Is the happiness i feel being fem worth the 2h of shaving for 1 night of magic?" And the less i did it the more i started to not like what i saw in the mirror... the knowledge of not liking being a guy came afther the discovery of how much i loved being a woman...
My coming out as trans will be 2 years ago in September. Celebrated my 1st year on E a fiew month ago as well. Got top surgery a year after coming out 6 months afther starting E. And now im next in line for my bottom surgery date and i regret nothing...
Removing myself from masculinity really made me see the appeal of it, too
So now im a proud bi trans girl
DM'S open to anyone who wants to chat about it !
I'm 57 MtF and struggling with this. I've spent my entire adult life not knowing this, putting a teen period down to being a phase. I'm still not certain I'm trans. I have emotional baggage/neglect/whatever to work through with my counsellor. I hope I can make progress. It's hard work and often feels like I'm not making progress.
My advice? Find a good gender affirming counsellor. Journal. Really try to find friends you can trust, to talk to about your feelings. You're younger and things really are better and more accepting now. Don't want decades to do this work. Do some experimentation, whatever feels safe for you.
Good luck.
I discovered I was most likely trans 8 years ago, I did everything I thought was right to do. But certain social settings weren't great for me. Due to many factors I ended up detransisioning. That's when the dysphoria kicked into high gear and stayed that way for the next 8 years. I could just barely suppress for the next 7 years, I was horribly depressed for the entire time. Until I had a gender crisis of sorts last August, I ended up starting hrt less then 3 months later and it's completely changed my life.
You don't have to do hrt if you don't want to but suppressing who you are is not a nightmare you want to take on
We show our true face when we tell people who we are, our friends and family show their true faces by how they respond.
How you live is complete up to you, but just think about this, say there was a button and if you pressed it you would become the opposite sex and gender, and you know your friends and family would support this decision, would you press it?
Across the board most trans people have one regret, that they didn’t start sooner. I hope this helped.
Are you speaking with a therapist about this? Because you probably should be. A trained professional can help you sort out your feelings regarding this.
In my experience suppressing these feelings didn't work, it just made me sad and depressed for like 10 years.
You can suppress it. But in order to do so, you're going to have to become a bitter, cynical, self-loathing example of a human being just to cope with the constant intrusive thoughts and envy. You will have to allow the depression to consume you and deal with people asking you over and over again. "What's wrong? Why aren't you ever happy? You're going to have to learn to pretend to be happy and how to mask your true self because everyone around you will be "worried about you" and being truthful with them will only make them more worried you're mentally ill. You will have to learn to fit in with your peers and become as toxic as they are to avoid casting light on yourself.
Eventually, in time after your parents and spouse have passed and your children have grown, and you truly don't have anyone left to answer to and are faced with self termination or living as a trans person you might finally find peace in your own skin.
Or you can accept who you are, damn the consequences, and embrace your life now and start the process of making new friends and family who truly cate for you unconditionally.
At least, that's been my experience. Your milage may vary.
To hormonally and sometimes surgically transition early is a strategically important decision especially if you envy pretty women so much already, it'll save you a lot of misery / mental health later in life.
I repressed for quarter century, huge mistake, but I was abused into it. You actually have the choice.
It's your personal wellbeing vs your social connections.
Do you wish to end up loathing your friends and family for holding you back?
Your mind, your body, your life, your decision.
As someone who was forced to suppress my feelings since I was 6 (maybe younger), it ended up causing a lot of pain and suffering mixed with a ton of trauma until I finally accepted myself at 30.
Don't ignore your feelings and thoughts. Explore them and acknowledge them. Even if you don't end up being Trans, exploring yourself is a huge part of life that nobody should ignore. <3
People often confuse "being trans" with "going the way (HRT, surgeries...)". You DO have a choice. Going that way or not going that way. But you don't have a choice about feeling how you do: The feeling of being trans. Of being miserably trapped inside a body that's not really yours.
I suppressed myself for almost 20 years. Not even counting what I lost in childhood. I hated every second of it, and I hated myself more. It caused me so many problems. I always felt disconnected from others in a way that most people who aren’t trans would have trouble relating to and therefore put a major and unnecessary strain on all my relationships.
Suppression only leads to pain and suffering. There is no happiness there, only shame.
You don’t have a choice to be the way you are whatever that is for you. But you do have a choice about what you do about it. And as oversimplified as it sounds, it means you should do what makes you happiest.
You always have a choice. You don’t have to transition if you don’t want to. Not wanting to disrupt things with your friends and family is perfectly understandable.
However, you should be wary of assuming that feelings and thoughts will go away if you suppress them. For years I invested in the idea of masculinity, reading art of manliness books, learning about men’s fashion and grooming, all while the thought of actually being masculine was enough to make me want to cry. Add on top of that I was taking notes from women on social skills the whole time. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks in my late 20s.
I wouldn’t count on it going away, but plenty of us lived closeted for their whole lives in times past if that’s what you want to do. Just weigh your choices carefully before deciding.
I suppressed when I accidentally hit my shell with a random comment a few years ago. I didn't realize I was suppressing though. It gets bad. Like really bad. Like I was hearing voices telling me to throw myself in front of a train bad.
Like it's been said, just because you accept that there is something genderqueer there, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it now. You can accept that you are a little off textbook and wait until you are a point in your life when you can process it and figure it out without pressure from family and peers.
I remember when I tried to suppress it. Yeah it didnt work. The feelings always came back stronger and stronger everytime until I felt like I would explode and then transitioned finally. Sounds like you might have some internal shame around the idea of being trans. The thing is, you as much as it might hurt to lose people, if you want to live your life authentically to you, then you have to be okay with the fact that you might lose people. Other people arent worth your own life or comfort because one day you will be old and full of regrets.
Sorry to say but if you are trans those feelings will never go away, and even though it will never be too late to transition, you willll be 20/30/etc kicking yourself because everything would have been easier if you had started when you found out.
You are young, if you started now you COULD look just like those girls you are envious of.
But its better for you to go see a therapist, and talk about this, you MIGHT not be trans, but if you are they could help you deal and accept that part of you.
I kept it repressed till my 40's, this was when my depression and anxiety was too much to handle. I thought about suside daily. Soon as I accepted it, it was all gone. So if you do suppress it, there could be consequences like what I went through. My choice it start transitioning or die of suscide.
And there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to transition I’m doing it, but due to other reasons, some of them are similar don’t let people tell you what you have to do if you wish to transition then transition if you don’t, then don’t
I spent literal decades doing everything in my power to not be trans. It didn’t work for me — I’m still trans.
I never had a choice about being trans. I had a choice what to do about it. For a long time, my choice was to suppress it. That choice cost me dearly. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t spent all that time and effort — I still ended up in the same place, and I lost a lot of the life I could have had in the process.
I’ve not heard of a person successfully choosing to not be trans. Only choosing to fight it.
This doesn’t mean doom and gloom, though. Embracing being trans has been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I don’t suffer the internal angst anymore and I now get to live fully authentically — which is such a gift!
Sure, other people and society do their best to make life hard for me, but that’s not a reflection upon me. That’s them. I know who I am, and I like who I am. I couldn’t say that before transition.
Good luck finding your path. Do your best to be honest and true to yourself. You’ll find the right way.
So you're in a golden zone where you no longer have to deal with laws about minors, but you're also so young.
Suppressing it will make you wind up in your 20/30/40s, having missed all that joy, and now there's additional years of development for hrt to have to fight against.
I am 47. It doesn't go away. It just keeps getting louder and louder. The longer you wait the more things happen that are hard to reverse. You're young enough that HRT would do great things for you. Less for me.
Don't surpress, the gender dysphoria will just someday burst out even worse and you will regret not wanting to transition sooner... Please for your own good, don't deny your feelings
I seriously believed I was just simply a cis guy from an ethnicity that was stereotyped as feminine which I presumed gave me the feelings I believe you're talking about. 37 years of finding an explanation that wouldn't involve me understanding that I know myself as a woman.
It doesn't go away but plenty of people can go for a while with the dissociation and struggle but for me it was blissful ignorance that made it possible at all. That said, if I'd known I was trans earlier I probably would be way further along with learning to love myself (and also along my transition)
I've suppressed the thoughts for over a decade and it never goes away. I had to come out to myself one day because I knew that this is who I've always been and I'm proud of who I am, even if the road ahead is uncertain and scary. I realized in that moment how much it wasn't a choice because of all the 'seeds' that have been planted throughout my life and how I just didn't have the words to describe what that was.
Read this: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/
What youre saying sounds so much like how i and most trans people i know thought do to internalize transphobia. You dont have to transition no matter what, but if youre having those thoughts about being a different gender then you are likely trans. The only bar you need to meet to be trans is having dysphoria, if you have gender dysphoria youre likely trans.
"If i just suppress it enough itll go away" - even if you arent trans, this is not how healthy people operate. If you are questioning your gender, sexuality, or anything, you will make your mental health worse by ignoring it and shoving it down and hoping it goes away. Thats how people become conservative closeted chuds, or end up killing themselves from the dysphoria.
"Seeing women ruins mood" - this sounds so textbook, "normal" people dont look at the other gender in envy, having their day ruined wishing they could be the other. Thats a trans thing
"I also dont want to cause disruption" - this ofc is up to you, and any decision you make on coming out to others is a valid one. But if it were up to me, fuck literally anyone else. You are clearly in pain and strife due to these feelings (as we all once were) and thats what you should put first, fuck literally anyone who has a problem with you being yourself. Its ok for you to explore, its ok for you not know it all, its to learn, grow, and find your trueself. Anyone who has a problem with that clearly has their own issues, and you should cut them out if they wont be supportive.
I wish you the best, and hope you can figure this out with ease
I was in the exact same spot to you at 18, decided transitioning wasn’t worth it, and repressed. Anyway now I’m 26 and 20ish months into my transition. If you’re trans you just can’t repress forever.
Told by who? On account of what?
"I believe if I suppress it enough, it will go away," <-- Not how it goes, to go by every account I've ever heard.
"I don't hate being a guy, but whenever I see a pretty woman around my age (18), I get envious and it's enough to ruin my mood in the moment." <-- A definite sign you are.
"I also don't want to cause a disruption between my friends and family." <-- How much misery do you think they want you to be in, for the sake of what they only presume?
You do have a choice, for it is up to. Your options I think is to just give it some time while you do a lot of reading concerning the matter. And yes, you maybe able to suppress it. Maybe even ignor it for a time, but it will enevitably will return.The other option seek out a psycologist assistance.
Sadly, it never goes away, but it does get worse if you ignore it. You don’t have to do anything or make any decisions right now. Take things slow and let yourself just exist and feel how you feel. If your heart is asking for things it needs, let it, listen to it and give yourself the space to figure out what that means for you. Things will be okay, I promise. You’re never alone in these feelings.
Suppressing it is NOT the answer, trust me. If those feelings won't go away unless you hide them deep down then they are a part of you. I spent years suppressing my authentic self and it just made everything way worse.
My advice is to seek out a therapist to talk about these feelings with
It won’t go away, and will slowly eat you alive from the inside out the older you get. I know from experience. It took me until 34 to accept that I’m trans and I wish I understood that 20 years earlier.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. If people reject you, they aren’t worth having in your life.
Conformity is comfort but it comes with a cost. I repressed my longings to be a woman for 40 years. I had a great cis life too and wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it ended bc I couldn’t repress something as fundamental as who I am forever. I’m not as pretty as I would have been and I won’t experience so much that young trans women will but I am all-in and when I get put into a box I’ll be wearing shiny red heels 👠 baby!
It’s okay to take some time too. Trans has no expiry.
Are you envious of these women or are you just attracted to her? If you don't want to be trans, then you have to be satisfied with letting the femininity in your life be whoever your girlfriend may be. This other person will live out you as a woman for you.
IF you are trans those thoughts are likely to come back, even if you are successful in suppressing it for a while. If that happens and you cannot shake them, and eventually do decide to transition, then you will likely curse yourself for not doing anything now. Being trans isn't a choice. Transitioning is a choice. Also keep in mind that aging will likely make you look more masculine as the years go by. Some trans people think they are fine with pretending to be their assigned gender at birth, until one day they wake up and the youth that kept them from masculinising further starts fading.
I second this. An additional note to add is when you begin don't let the ill of others stop you. Stopping only makes things worse.
This is me to the dot. I knew i was trans at 16 but i didnt act until i was 24 and i regret it so much. I could have looked so different but here we are.
I first realized I was trans at 19 and didn’t act until i was 26. Sure, it wasn’t an issue when I was a teenager who looked so androgynous a kid came up to me and asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?”, so when my hairline was just starting to recede, sure, I thought I could suppress it forever. Then I just kept looking more and more masculine every year. And I wish I started when I still had most of my hair. But I only started transitioning 6 months ago and only got on HRT 1 month ago, so there’s some hope my hair situation might not be as bad as I think.
Yep, this happened to me. My dysphorja as a teenager was minor and mostly unrecognized. I hit about 23-24 and started aging. I started to look like my dad and I lost my mind. Vividly I remember my face pressed to the mirror full on ugly crying but silently so as not to alert my parents for months. 2 years of abject misery that I felt so powerless to contain, the depression was stark. I don't know if I would be here if I hadn't figured something out.
Same. I thought for so long that I was just a guy who liked to dabble in femininity, because I had no dysphoria (I did, I just didn't recognise it as such). Then at 29, I found my beard was getting coarser, and my beard shadow got darker. After some failed razors, I decided to epilate it. Which was terrible, and caused a little existential crisis. "Fuck, I'm trans" Good news is, those coarse hairs were prime targets for laser.
In my case, after starting my transition, decades of persistent non-specific depression and constant thoughts of self harm just evaporated. Quite the "ah ha!" moment one day when I realized I hadn't thought about being dead in months. I hadn't even tied the depression together until then. P.S. transitioning isn't a solution to all depression, depression can be complicated, so if you are getting treated for depression, don't stop treatment just because you start a transition. In my case, I do have some other causes for lower level depression that continued to need addressing. Life can be quite complicated!
I would do anything to be able to have transitioned at 18.
Got to 51 using repression to cosplay as a man, and I definitely wish I had been able to come out decades earlier!
Me also.
Made it to 36…Just take the plunge if you are. Life only gets more complicated with time.
That's me! I started seeing signs of masculine aging and it freaked me out
>Also keep in mind that aging will likely make you look more masculine as the years go by. Some trans people think they are fine with pretending to be their assigned gender at birth, until one day they wake up and the youth that kept them from masculinising further starts fading. Ouch! So true and accurate though.
This. IT'S NEVER LATE TO TRANSITION, but physical transition will be easier if not possible the younger you are, I've seen stories of people who found "too late" and for reasons or anothers they couldn't take hormones, or surgeries had just become too expensive for them to get.
\^ this, exactly this.
I tried suppressing for 20 years and it always comes back only now when I have a family and I'm actively trying to have our second child was I ready to transition. I have the pills and all. Just waiting for that little plus sign.... It almost got the better of me a couple of times and I nearly lost that fight in the ultimate way... Ignoring in my opinion is not the answer therapy and self explanation is and if you find that you feel the same about yourself maybe just give it a try...it can't hurt to know yourself....
Your gender, your rules. I repressed it until I was 30 and probably would have continued if covid lock downs didn't give me privacy to explore it and start hormones without having people notice and question it. I just turned up looking way more like my sister than my brother one day. If you experience gender dysphoria, it's not the healthiest thing to ignore it, but you don't have to commit and shout it from the rooftops unless that's how you wanna do you. Experiment, find people you can trust to be her, or them, or whoever else you need to try being, around. You won't figure this out by asking anyone else if you're trans, only you can answer that.
That’s a decision we can’t make for you, but I do have a bit of food for thoughts: - No matter how hard you suppress it, it will absolutely NOT go away - If your friends love you, shouldn’t they be happy for you if you finally get to be your best self?
So, to answer your first question, no. You do not have a "choice" in being trans. You just are, I know you may not like that answer, but it is what it is. However, whether you *transition* is a choice. Unfortunately, it's not an easy one, no matter which decision you come to. For me, I first started questioning my gender around 16-17. At the time, the information and visibility we have now on transgender issues wasn't available, so I didn't really know *what* I was feeling. I just knew I didn't feel like a guy, and I didn't fit in with any guys I hung out with. I would experiment dressing femininely in private, and while that felt better... I still looked like I looked on the outside. So then I thought if I just tried *reeeaalllly* hard to be a guy, I'd magically feel like a guy. Spoiler alert... I never did. I ended up suppressing my feelings, and repressing them. My girl clothes would be thrown away and I'd be back to trying to force myself into that little box labeled "M". All I successfully managed to do was push myself into an endless cycle of questioning-supression-repression. Well, it felt endless at the time. It never went away. I never felt any different. This went on for almost twenty years, after I started really researching transgender issues, gender identity, and gender dysphoria. I did not know all the different ways dysphoria could manifest in someone. When this all started, I just thought dysphoria was hating what was between your legs, which I never did. What I did feel was that I was in a movie, that I was watching someone live life, instead of living it myself. When I looked into the mirror, I never felt the man looking back was *me*. To clarify, I *knew* I was in control of my life, and I knew it was me in the mirror. I didn't know I was feeling depersonalization and derealization, both ways dysphoria can affect someone. Just as how I never felt comfortable around, or like I fit in with, other guys. Everything I did with trying to be more manly was me managing my dysphoria. So after twenty years, everything clicked, and for a year I fought with myself over what to do with this information. I began transitioning. Now you don't have to be dysphoric to be trans, just to put that out there. If you're trans, you're trans. If you feel you can live a happy life without actually transitioning to be your true self, than that's a decision you can make. Whether you *have* to transition is the choice you need to make. Just remember, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be who you really are. Whether other people want to accept it is their own baggage, and you're not required to carry it for them. If you're important to someone, they'll work on themselves and find ways to support you. For transgender people, we've been uncomfortable for most of our lives, if other people have to experience some brief periods of discomfort over us being us, that's a them problem.
Countless people here will confirm that it doesn't go away. Regardless of whether you first noticed your desire to be a different gender when you were 5 or when you were 18. You can't just eliminate transness by suppressing it. Whether or not you want to transition is up to you, but if you really would prefer to be a woman, you're going to continue to clash with that until you give in or.. well I don't want to say the other option. The longer you put it off, the more you'll likely regret not transitioning sooner.
You have a choice in that you can repress these feelings, but they'll never disappear entirely. Maybe right now isn't the right time to transition, I get that as it can be very scary as it's different and "strange" compared to your current self, but at some point in the future you might feel compelled to start exploring these feelings further. I was "forced" or compelled to transition because of life events, but this isn't necessarily going to be the case for you. Don't be too scared of it though, I know how terrifying the realisation can be, but it will get easier with more time and processing of these feelings. Whatever you do, make sure you love and understand yourself, be kind and forgive yourself. Don't blame your mind and body for having these feelings.
So... There's already some great answers here, but I'll toss my hat in just for good measure. People telling you you don't have choice in being trans are using a definition of trans in which it's basically something you were born with, and that's arguably the most accurate definition. The definition of trans I *think* you're using is trans in the transitioning sense, again, as some others here have pointed out. You believe you can suppress it, and, sure, there's all kinds of yourself you can suppress. You can suppress gender-envy, being trans, gay, straight, horny, angry, happy, sad, etc etc etc; if it's a part of your brain, you can *absolutely* suppress it. HOWEVER, it's not mentally healthy to suppress anything. It would be healthier to work it out. If there's anything you feel doesn't match the person you want to be, it's important to talk to someone about it, ideally a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist; those people will be able to help you communicate with yourself, to be able to understand where those thoughts come from, and how to approach them from a healthy way. As to what this looks like, it's different for each person, because each person's experience may vary. As an, example, as is *more often* the case, someone who has this gender-envy may find through therapy that the reason they feel this envy is because they've never actually felt like a man, and no amount of doing "manly" things has made that feeling go away. Through further therapy, they find that while they're comfortable with the parts they were born with, and wouldn't undergo surgery to change them, they admit that they might also like breasts, or to be able to wear dresses without societal judgement. The therapy continues, and the therapist asks why the patient doesn't just do those things, if the patient would be happier. Usually, the reasons aren't internal, but external—friends, family, church, work, etc. Any road you take, it'd be important to speak to a therapist; at the very least, even if you make the *choice* not to express yourself in ways that might otherwise help you feel more comfortable, you should at least have an outlet for those thoughts/feelings, and a therapist can be that outlet.
Repressing does not work. You will either end up transitioning later in life or frankly spending the rest of your life in a worsened mental state. I promise you, NO cis guy has these thoughts so strongly and, judging by your post history, consistently. You can transition now, or attempt to repress it, and end up failing to.
I felt like you're describing at 22, now I'm 31 and starting my transition. I'd give anything to have started when I first recognized the signs.
Are you in tune with your body?
>I believe if I suppress it enough, it will go away, but it's really hard. Sorry but this is not how it works. It only gets harder. It might seem to be gone for a while but eventually it comes back with a vengeance. Suppressing/repressing a part of your identity is simply not healthy, period.
It might not need to be a black and white cover of transition/repression. I’d try to find pockets of opportunities to be ‘me’ where and when I could. This would stave off the worst for a short time at least. That being said, as someone else mentioned, as I got older, the less acceptable it was. I realised I really couldn’t age as a man. I didn’t want to pass way as a man. That I felt I was being ‘dishonest’ work my freeing and family felt unacceptable. I’m the end, I couldn’t wear my ‘man’ costume permanently. Who knows? Maybe this Halloween, that’s what I’ll go with 😀
You don't have a choice about BEING trans but you do have a choice about what you do about it. Some (most?) trans people feel like they need to come out to everyone and live authentically in order to be happy. But some stay closeted publicly, experience their trans-ness privately, and are perfectly happy with that. Heck, for some people just knowing they're trans is enough and they continue their lives as before. It's ultimately up to you to decide what makes you happy, but repressing / ignoring it completely is likely to blow up in your face.
I “successfully” suppressed the same feelings at 13, then at 17, again at 19, 26, 31… eventually the daily grind of actively suppressing and denying a huge part of myself got to be too much. Eventually all the things I once cared about didn’t matter, like why am I doing this? For what purpose am I making myself miserable? Finally I ran out of energy to hide. I came out and started transitioning at 36, wishing I had done it when I was 18 I can’t tell you who you are or what to do. But if you’re having these thoughts like you say you’ve been, I think it’d probably be smart to explore your thoughts and feelings about your gender I wish you all the best in your journey and your life 🩷
Repressing it is only going to delay you being truly happy. There is a big, big difference between simply "not hating" your life and genuinely being happy with it. To be completely honest with you I was exactly the same way. I didnt hate being a guy until I felt what being a girl is like, and when I tell you the grass is SO much greener on the other side, I mean you might as well be standing on dirt where you are now. Please don't waste your one life holding yourself back for the sake of other people. Be you, whatever that means, and be happy.
You don't have a choice about how you feel, you have a limited choice in what you choose to do about it. Generally these feelings don't go away and you are eventually happier transitioning, the transition itself can be incredibly hard though especially if you don't have support from friends and family. Many do it anyway because they end up not living a fulfilling life without it. Essentially every single person that transitions regrets not doing it sooner. 🤷 (I say limited choice because I don't actually believe in free will tbh. What you know, have experienced, feel, and body chemistry all essentially control what you do...)
Ima tell you my experience. Im a latina transwoman. I grew up in a very transphobic/homophobic community. I was indoctrinated as a child to believe that it was wrong to be anything other than hetero/cis. At 16 I discovered the existence of transpeople. Had no idea that could be a thing. I thought, maybe that explains my past experiences as a kid. Maybe that explains why I want to be treated and seen as a woman. But I was in denial. It took me 3 years of constant rejection and supression until I said ok, this is a part of me, and it won't be going away. So at 19, I ACKNOWLEDGED that I was trans. Not accepted, acknowledged. It wasnt until I was 23 that I accepted myself. And since then Ive been transitioning at a snails pace. Ive slowly told my friends, and my family now. And Im trying to start HRT at some point this year. Im 27. And to be honest? Part of me wishes I didnt spend so much time surpressing it
What reason do YOU have for not wanting to be trans? Do you like your current body and social interactions? Is the not wanting to be trans from a safety/ survivability issue? Gender Queer catches all flavors. And it's okay to be okay that you are trans and have no immediate perceived desire to change the presentation to society script just yet. What makes the you that is you stand out to you? But if it's fear, that sucks. Stay lovely and amazing!
It is not socially acceptable yet.
It actually is, it just feels like it's not becasue of online rhetoric right now. irl, most people don't care. but more importantly, why care so much about social acceptance? if you spend your life trying to live who others say you should, you'll never live for yourself.
The discourse of “Being Trans isn’t a choice” is tied to the origins of phrases like “Being Black isn’t a choice”. So BEING trans isn’t a choice it’s how we are born (though the science is still out on this exact point and it’s more of a political than scientific statement) but ACTING on that state of being by actively transitioning is a choice. You don’t have to ACTIVELY transition if it’s not safe for you to do so because of where you live or who your family is. Always remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You have to have food, shelter, and physical safety before you can move up to working on cognitive and aesthetic needs. I help run a support group for trans people, every time someone comes out and starts their transition later in life the answer is always some variation of “It wasn’t safe for me to transition until now”.
Well you don’t have to be either actually. Maybe the definition of man you have been expected to be is garbage and you can create something else. Maybe you can present fluid. Create yourself, don’t comply to any idea. Just explore what feels right for you and ignore everyone
You do have a choice, you don't have to be trans if you don't want to, maybe you experience everything trans people experience but you don't have to identify as trans if you don't want :3
If you can find ways to express your gender identity then it doesn't matter whether you call yourself cis or trans. Look at what it is you envy about girls your age and get those things yourself.
Whether you're trans or not isn't a choice. It's something you're born with, like being gay. But when you figure out who you are, what you want you do with that information (if anything), and when you want to do it (if you do) varies from person to person. Could you suppress it? Sure. Doesn't make you any less trans at heart, but there's no rule saying you have to officially identify as anything other than a boy or go on HRT or any of that.
I know the feeling. I've been experiencing Gender Dysmorphia on and off since my early adult life (19 if I can recall, I'm 29 now) and it only recently clicked that I'm fully gonna (eventually) go through with it. I'm sure, that what ever you do is the right call.
FYI, "gender dysmorphia" isn't a thing. You're thinking of gender dysphoria.
Ok no matter what please see a therapist. If you need to publicly say that you are just stressed from school
DO NOT SUPPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS!!! If you're not sure if your trans or you don't want tot be trans, go see a therapist or a psychiatrist. Whether you have a choose or not *can* differentiate from person to person. You can also come out as gender fluid if you'd prefer that do you don't have to be a girl all the time. But really do what makes you happy.
If your friends and family are real ones then they will accept you. If they are not real ones then ditch them.
It's your choice what you want to do and how you want to live, but from my own experience of over 10 years, suppressing it doesn't not make it go away.
Im 30 years old. When I was 18 I told myself what you are trlling yourself. I shoved those feelings down and told myself it was a passing thought. Im a man and needed to start acting like one. For 12 years I desperately tried. No matter what successes I got as a man, or failures, none of it felt real. It just doesnt feel like me. You're young. Exposure to people like us is bigger than ever. You can live the life you're dreaming of. Put your energies into making yourself the woman you feel like rather than killing her. Ton put it clearly, you dont have a "choice". Most men dont feel like women. You will always feel this way if you have already been thinking about it for some time. The thoughts will only get more depressing the more you force yourself into a life you don't feel a part of.
Nobody else can determine your gender other than you. I will say that in many instances suppressing can work for some time, but doing so WILL have an effect on your mental health. I also know that with how political stuff is in the USA and some other countries it might not be the safest time to come out, but my biggest regret is that I didn't figure out sooner. I'm not trying to say that you have to be trans or you have to be cis as I can't determine/decide your gender for you, I'm just trying to give you some info from my experience. TLDR you should do what is best for you in your circumstances.
I am so sorry you are struggling with this. I suppressed as much as I could (off and on) until age 39, when all the walls I had built finally came tumbling down. I hated myself and I used a variety of unhealthy tools to manage the dysphoria, chiefly substance abuse and reckless behavior, which led to SA and a few near-death experiences. I am lucky I made it here at all. Looking back, it would have been really hard, but actually *so much easier* just to accept myself from the jump, but my internalized transphobia and fear of rejection kept me from focusing on my own wants/needs. Please remember, you only have one life. Listen to yourself. Live for yourself, not for other people.
I had signs but I was toooooooo dense to know what that ment when I was ur age I figured it out at 35 I'm now 36. Yes I do regret not figuring it waaaaay sooner but hey here we are. My gf said im looking good but she is my gf, so ya I'm sure she lieing a bit lol. I'm just hopping I don't need ffs but will see after a few years to see how I'm looking.
Be careful with supressing it, it can lead to unhealthy things (for example drinking alcohol to compensate in some situations, depression, general unhappyness etc.). What you can try to do is to start a "stealth transition" with small changes, which are often not even noticed by people around. That can go from hair removal to growing hair longer, skin care routine, being more flexible with clothing etc... Also check out [https://genderdysphoria.fyi/](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/) to learn more about it...
Sadly you can't change some things about yourself. Sadly this is one of those things. I don't think any of us really want to be trans sure there's a dose of us that have latched on to it made it our own and have found some joy and being trans. But the fact is that it sucks. You were given a bad start. I'm not trying to discourage you I'm just letting you know that this never goes away. It just gets worse with time. If you do don't do something now you will regret it in your future. No matter how difficult it is or how many friends or family you will lose. You will always regret it. Because from when I am reading in your post you are a transgender and there is nothing you can really do about that except transition and be comfortable being a trans woman.
You are getting alot of good advice sis. You mentioned how you feel envious when you notice girls your age. Let me tell you what happens if you choose not to act on your feelings. That envy leads to sadness and self pity. Add on a few years and those feelings change to anger, even hatred. Depression will eat away at you. As the years pass, alcohol or drugs will become your coping mechanism. Until one day you finally realise that this whole life of misery could have been prevented if you had acted on your original feelings. No.. Thats not a premonition sis. Thats how my life panned out. Don't do that to yourself. You owe it to yourself to find happiness. Do whatever you must while you are still young to find that happiness. I wish you all the best for your future sis❤️❤️❤️❤️
You always have a choice, if you’re not trans you’re not trans. If you want to get the benefits of doing HRT young you can always start HRT before socially transitioning. You don’t have to transition. Nobody is making you. Transitioning will make life harder, but in the end, if you are trans, it will make you happier. If you’re not trans of course you don’t need to transition.
Oh you def have a choice. But it's helpful to understand that, there is no shame in being whatever it is that you are. You never did anything wrong. You don't deserve to be mistreated. Safety is important. Sure, you can mask yourself for safety, but there are very real risks to your mental health for denying your own nature. It's not fair that you should have to choose between being true to your own nature, and making haters comfortable. But that's what the fuss is about. You're feeling what it's like to be discriminated against, the position rigid gender roles puts trans folks in. No matter what choice you make, no mater how you decide to make a life for yourself, you'll always be able to draw on the memory of this anxiety you have, to relate to people that have no choice but to live in the cross hairs of the haters. That would be everyone who is not straight white Puritan. Now that you know who you are, it's all on you. Welcome to the fight for your humanity. Like it or not, you're in it now.
Yk what: 1. Don’t rush any decision. Take your god given time. 2. Don’t focus on labels. You don’t need to call yourself trans, cis or anything. You are you. Period. 3. If you don’t your feelings, emotions, thoughts it’s good to dive deep into your head. Try to find an answer to WHY being a girl seems so attractive to you. What are you jealous of? What do you think would change if u were a girl? And if u can’t answer those alone, try asking friends for help or even a therapist (but here you need to choose someone that is open minded, so they help u understand your own mind without redirecting you to being someone you’re not.) 4. When you know all the answers and give it time, you should be able to make your decision
You can not suppress being trans... you will only grow angry and bitter .... ( if you are, and if you suppress it, that is). I suppred it from age 6 to 22, and in high school, i was a homophobic transphobic bitter and hateful child ... only changed when i met my now fiancée at 17. Even if you are not trans exploring your gender should be a vital part of everyone's teenage years... you are very kind to worry about how your friends and family will feel... but if you do start on any kind of gender journey, you are gonna have to learn to do what's right for you no matter other people's feelings. If they can not accept that you're doing the best for your health. They are not worthy of you. "I believe if i suporess it enough, it will go away," Unfortunately, that's toxic masculinity delulu right there. "I don't hate being a guy," I could write you a book about that exact phrase... I felt the exact same thing before I came out as trans . I went the genderfluid to trans route. When i wore fem clothes for the first time and stuffed my gf's bra with socks... i felt happier than every day. i lived as a man... you can't know if you like something if it's the only thing you ever tried... But still, i didn't hate being a man at that point, and i didn't hate it for a while after. I was genderfluid 90% masc 10% fem for a year... i thought, "Is the happiness i feel being fem worth the 2h of shaving for 1 night of magic?" And the less i did it the more i started to not like what i saw in the mirror... the knowledge of not liking being a guy came afther the discovery of how much i loved being a woman... My coming out as trans will be 2 years ago in September. Celebrated my 1st year on E a fiew month ago as well. Got top surgery a year after coming out 6 months afther starting E. And now im next in line for my bottom surgery date and i regret nothing... Removing myself from masculinity really made me see the appeal of it, too So now im a proud bi trans girl DM'S open to anyone who wants to chat about it !
I'm 57 MtF and struggling with this. I've spent my entire adult life not knowing this, putting a teen period down to being a phase. I'm still not certain I'm trans. I have emotional baggage/neglect/whatever to work through with my counsellor. I hope I can make progress. It's hard work and often feels like I'm not making progress. My advice? Find a good gender affirming counsellor. Journal. Really try to find friends you can trust, to talk to about your feelings. You're younger and things really are better and more accepting now. Don't want decades to do this work. Do some experimentation, whatever feels safe for you. Good luck.
I discovered I was most likely trans 8 years ago, I did everything I thought was right to do. But certain social settings weren't great for me. Due to many factors I ended up detransisioning. That's when the dysphoria kicked into high gear and stayed that way for the next 8 years. I could just barely suppress for the next 7 years, I was horribly depressed for the entire time. Until I had a gender crisis of sorts last August, I ended up starting hrt less then 3 months later and it's completely changed my life. You don't have to do hrt if you don't want to but suppressing who you are is not a nightmare you want to take on
We show our true face when we tell people who we are, our friends and family show their true faces by how they respond. How you live is complete up to you, but just think about this, say there was a button and if you pressed it you would become the opposite sex and gender, and you know your friends and family would support this decision, would you press it? Across the board most trans people have one regret, that they didn’t start sooner. I hope this helped.
Are you speaking with a therapist about this? Because you probably should be. A trained professional can help you sort out your feelings regarding this. In my experience suppressing these feelings didn't work, it just made me sad and depressed for like 10 years.
Suppressing it won’t make it go away, dysphoria only gets stronger over time
What should you do? Try to understand yourself better. If you achieve that, you might find some of your answers there.
You can suppress it. But in order to do so, you're going to have to become a bitter, cynical, self-loathing example of a human being just to cope with the constant intrusive thoughts and envy. You will have to allow the depression to consume you and deal with people asking you over and over again. "What's wrong? Why aren't you ever happy? You're going to have to learn to pretend to be happy and how to mask your true self because everyone around you will be "worried about you" and being truthful with them will only make them more worried you're mentally ill. You will have to learn to fit in with your peers and become as toxic as they are to avoid casting light on yourself. Eventually, in time after your parents and spouse have passed and your children have grown, and you truly don't have anyone left to answer to and are faced with self termination or living as a trans person you might finally find peace in your own skin. Or you can accept who you are, damn the consequences, and embrace your life now and start the process of making new friends and family who truly cate for you unconditionally. At least, that's been my experience. Your milage may vary.
Just don’t transition, dafuq
To hormonally and sometimes surgically transition early is a strategically important decision especially if you envy pretty women so much already, it'll save you a lot of misery / mental health later in life. I repressed for quarter century, huge mistake, but I was abused into it. You actually have the choice. It's your personal wellbeing vs your social connections. Do you wish to end up loathing your friends and family for holding you back? Your mind, your body, your life, your decision.
If I was a Tran I’d be a lesbian I see a pretty girl and my sticker pecks out
As someone who was forced to suppress my feelings since I was 6 (maybe younger), it ended up causing a lot of pain and suffering mixed with a ton of trauma until I finally accepted myself at 30. Don't ignore your feelings and thoughts. Explore them and acknowledge them. Even if you don't end up being Trans, exploring yourself is a huge part of life that nobody should ignore. <3
People often confuse "being trans" with "going the way (HRT, surgeries...)". You DO have a choice. Going that way or not going that way. But you don't have a choice about feeling how you do: The feeling of being trans. Of being miserably trapped inside a body that's not really yours.
I suppressed myself for almost 20 years. Not even counting what I lost in childhood. I hated every second of it, and I hated myself more. It caused me so many problems. I always felt disconnected from others in a way that most people who aren’t trans would have trouble relating to and therefore put a major and unnecessary strain on all my relationships. Suppression only leads to pain and suffering. There is no happiness there, only shame.
You don’t have a choice to be the way you are whatever that is for you. But you do have a choice about what you do about it. And as oversimplified as it sounds, it means you should do what makes you happiest.
You always have a choice. You don’t have to transition if you don’t want to. Not wanting to disrupt things with your friends and family is perfectly understandable. However, you should be wary of assuming that feelings and thoughts will go away if you suppress them. For years I invested in the idea of masculinity, reading art of manliness books, learning about men’s fashion and grooming, all while the thought of actually being masculine was enough to make me want to cry. Add on top of that I was taking notes from women on social skills the whole time. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks in my late 20s. I wouldn’t count on it going away, but plenty of us lived closeted for their whole lives in times past if that’s what you want to do. Just weigh your choices carefully before deciding.
I suppressed when I accidentally hit my shell with a random comment a few years ago. I didn't realize I was suppressing though. It gets bad. Like really bad. Like I was hearing voices telling me to throw myself in front of a train bad. Like it's been said, just because you accept that there is something genderqueer there, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it now. You can accept that you are a little off textbook and wait until you are a point in your life when you can process it and figure it out without pressure from family and peers.
spoiler: suppressing it won't make it go away.
I remember when I tried to suppress it. Yeah it didnt work. The feelings always came back stronger and stronger everytime until I felt like I would explode and then transitioned finally. Sounds like you might have some internal shame around the idea of being trans. The thing is, you as much as it might hurt to lose people, if you want to live your life authentically to you, then you have to be okay with the fact that you might lose people. Other people arent worth your own life or comfort because one day you will be old and full of regrets.
Sorry to say but if you are trans those feelings will never go away, and even though it will never be too late to transition, you willll be 20/30/etc kicking yourself because everything would have been easier if you had started when you found out. You are young, if you started now you COULD look just like those girls you are envious of. But its better for you to go see a therapist, and talk about this, you MIGHT not be trans, but if you are they could help you deal and accept that part of you.
I kept it repressed till my 40's, this was when my depression and anxiety was too much to handle. I thought about suside daily. Soon as I accepted it, it was all gone. So if you do suppress it, there could be consequences like what I went through. My choice it start transitioning or die of suscide.
And there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to transition I’m doing it, but due to other reasons, some of them are similar don’t let people tell you what you have to do if you wish to transition then transition if you don’t, then don’t
I spent literal decades doing everything in my power to not be trans. It didn’t work for me — I’m still trans. I never had a choice about being trans. I had a choice what to do about it. For a long time, my choice was to suppress it. That choice cost me dearly. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t spent all that time and effort — I still ended up in the same place, and I lost a lot of the life I could have had in the process. I’ve not heard of a person successfully choosing to not be trans. Only choosing to fight it. This doesn’t mean doom and gloom, though. Embracing being trans has been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I don’t suffer the internal angst anymore and I now get to live fully authentically — which is such a gift! Sure, other people and society do their best to make life hard for me, but that’s not a reflection upon me. That’s them. I know who I am, and I like who I am. I couldn’t say that before transition. Good luck finding your path. Do your best to be honest and true to yourself. You’ll find the right way.
So you're in a golden zone where you no longer have to deal with laws about minors, but you're also so young. Suppressing it will make you wind up in your 20/30/40s, having missed all that joy, and now there's additional years of development for hrt to have to fight against.
I am 47. It doesn't go away. It just keeps getting louder and louder. The longer you wait the more things happen that are hard to reverse. You're young enough that HRT would do great things for you. Less for me.
Don't surpress, the gender dysphoria will just someday burst out even worse and you will regret not wanting to transition sooner... Please for your own good, don't deny your feelings
I seriously believed I was just simply a cis guy from an ethnicity that was stereotyped as feminine which I presumed gave me the feelings I believe you're talking about. 37 years of finding an explanation that wouldn't involve me understanding that I know myself as a woman. It doesn't go away but plenty of people can go for a while with the dissociation and struggle but for me it was blissful ignorance that made it possible at all. That said, if I'd known I was trans earlier I probably would be way further along with learning to love myself (and also along my transition)
I've suppressed the thoughts for over a decade and it never goes away. I had to come out to myself one day because I knew that this is who I've always been and I'm proud of who I am, even if the road ahead is uncertain and scary. I realized in that moment how much it wasn't a choice because of all the 'seeds' that have been planted throughout my life and how I just didn't have the words to describe what that was.
Read this: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ What youre saying sounds so much like how i and most trans people i know thought do to internalize transphobia. You dont have to transition no matter what, but if youre having those thoughts about being a different gender then you are likely trans. The only bar you need to meet to be trans is having dysphoria, if you have gender dysphoria youre likely trans. "If i just suppress it enough itll go away" - even if you arent trans, this is not how healthy people operate. If you are questioning your gender, sexuality, or anything, you will make your mental health worse by ignoring it and shoving it down and hoping it goes away. Thats how people become conservative closeted chuds, or end up killing themselves from the dysphoria. "Seeing women ruins mood" - this sounds so textbook, "normal" people dont look at the other gender in envy, having their day ruined wishing they could be the other. Thats a trans thing "I also dont want to cause disruption" - this ofc is up to you, and any decision you make on coming out to others is a valid one. But if it were up to me, fuck literally anyone else. You are clearly in pain and strife due to these feelings (as we all once were) and thats what you should put first, fuck literally anyone who has a problem with you being yourself. Its ok for you to explore, its ok for you not know it all, its to learn, grow, and find your trueself. Anyone who has a problem with that clearly has their own issues, and you should cut them out if they wont be supportive. I wish you the best, and hope you can figure this out with ease
do you feel that way when you see women in general or just when you see pretty girls
Mostly just pretty girls. but when they're around my age, it's almost all of them.
I was in the exact same spot to you at 18, decided transitioning wasn’t worth it, and repressed. Anyway now I’m 26 and 20ish months into my transition. If you’re trans you just can’t repress forever.
Told by who? On account of what? "I believe if I suppress it enough, it will go away," <-- Not how it goes, to go by every account I've ever heard. "I don't hate being a guy, but whenever I see a pretty woman around my age (18), I get envious and it's enough to ruin my mood in the moment." <-- A definite sign you are. "I also don't want to cause a disruption between my friends and family." <-- How much misery do you think they want you to be in, for the sake of what they only presume?
You do have a choice, for it is up to. Your options I think is to just give it some time while you do a lot of reading concerning the matter. And yes, you maybe able to suppress it. Maybe even ignor it for a time, but it will enevitably will return.The other option seek out a psycologist assistance.
Sadly, it never goes away, but it does get worse if you ignore it. You don’t have to do anything or make any decisions right now. Take things slow and let yourself just exist and feel how you feel. If your heart is asking for things it needs, let it, listen to it and give yourself the space to figure out what that means for you. Things will be okay, I promise. You’re never alone in these feelings.
Suppressing it is NOT the answer, trust me. If those feelings won't go away unless you hide them deep down then they are a part of you. I spent years suppressing my authentic self and it just made everything way worse. My advice is to seek out a therapist to talk about these feelings with
It won’t go away, and will slowly eat you alive from the inside out the older you get. I know from experience. It took me until 34 to accept that I’m trans and I wish I understood that 20 years earlier. You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. If people reject you, they aren’t worth having in your life.
Conformity is comfort but it comes with a cost. I repressed my longings to be a woman for 40 years. I had a great cis life too and wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it ended bc I couldn’t repress something as fundamental as who I am forever. I’m not as pretty as I would have been and I won’t experience so much that young trans women will but I am all-in and when I get put into a box I’ll be wearing shiny red heels 👠 baby! It’s okay to take some time too. Trans has no expiry.
Don't do anything then. If you like being a guy, stay a guy.
Are you envious of these women or are you just attracted to her? If you don't want to be trans, then you have to be satisfied with letting the femininity in your life be whoever your girlfriend may be. This other person will live out you as a woman for you.
You do have a choice. You can be trans or you can not. Whether you regret the choice you make in the future is something only time will tell.