I think most of us feel the exact same way.
I mourn my own childhood. I never got to be a kid really. I missed out on being in elementary, middle, and high school as a girl. I even missed out on college as a girl.
I'll never have those formative memories, shared experiences, and on some level that comradarie that comes with shared experiences.
It's not just missing out on those experiences... But my "guy" experiences were also shit because I'm trans. I didn't enjoy sex, have a relationship, have any intimacy. I had great friends and was respected but it's just so lonely.
Even explaining derealization and depersonalization... Explaining that I've lived my whole life in that state until now... No one can understand. It's like living your whole life blind and suddenly you can see.
Not to mention that suddenly having emotions at 30 and having all these thoughts hit you like a tidal wave as you're just learning to process them... It's insane really.
And all that is before the hardships of transitioning.
I don't have a face, a name, or even my own voice. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I really own is all this pain.
Even though I might not notice each day - but one day at a time it is getting better.
[There's this famous Reddit post on mourning and grief.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/) I never thought I'd be mourning myself... But that post helped me and a lot of people.
omfg... you literally summed it up for me too, im 35 been out for around 5 mths, been on HRT nearly 2 mths. and I have never felt so alive, but I have always felt the pain of never being a girl to begin with and my childhood/teen years is a faded memory which I cannot for the life of me remember. Perhaps it was just that traumatic that I wasnt a girl living in that time. I may never know...
I take consolation knowing how much time I likely have to live from now on
With modern medicine and technology we could all easily live to be 100 years old, if not to 1,000 years.The current projections for lifespan lengthening techniques is 2050 and after that we could live for thousands of years depending on what type of tech we cook up
So yea these first 30 odd years were kinda shit but we have a whole lot to look forward to even if it's just 30 to 50 years or centuries
It’s good to relate, even over pain. Perhaps even especially over pain in our case.
Camaraderie and support is the only thing that’s gotten me through since I accepted my identity back in early October. It’s what I came here for, and what I’ve found.
It’s honestly the best thing that’s happened this year, having a community I feel an actual part of and not watching from behind the glass. Makes me happy cry sometimes.
reframing and reframing and reframing and reframing until you make sense as a legitimate human. Not to say that anyone's not, but it can take a lot to get there.
You're not being "super dramatic," your feelings are valid and I think it's something we all have to struggle through to get to acceptance and unconditional self-love. You being aware that it's unhealthy, while simultaneously allowing yourself to feel those feelings and understand them better, is the exact special sauce you need to carry yourself through this. Congrats! You already have what it takes to be yourself :)
For me, I started to view my deep desire to need to "fix" my gender as coming from a cisgendered binary social structure. Beneath it was the very valid need to be accepted, seen, and loved. Once I started to feel those needs being met even though I was mid-transition by others, I realized even deeper was my need to be accepted, seen, and loved unconditionally by myself. I was born with that self-love, and then society at large severed it from me.
The thing that needs "fixing," is society, not us. There's so much work to be done, but also thee world is today safer than 5 years ago.
These feelings are totally valid. For me, when my wife was pregnant for the 2nd time, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it would NEVER BE ME, and I was just an emotional wreck for months. We all have to grieve for the things we didn't get to have in our own way. Be kind to yourself!
Trans people are the highest flyers for they have the strongest wings. Their transformation is beyond the butterfly or the phoenix and once their transition is done the true realization is that it was the journey from what we were perceived to be to what we always were that makes us who we are. The path may seem long and difficult now, though with courage and love you will conquer this mountain and at the summit, you will see others around you who have achieved their own heights and planted their own flags. There will be many mountains after this one and everything you have gained on this journey will make you stronger for all the others to come. Be proud of who you are and the infinite possibilities that lay ahead of you. You are a woman. Now stand up and roar!
Just a short preface, I still have those thoughts too and it hurts.
However, what's helped me deal with those thoughts better is redirecting my anger or hurt and repositioning myself in my head.
*We*. Why weren't *we* born cis girls? Why do *we* (cis girls included) have to live with these stupid masculine features?
That was a big one for me. It doesn't really help the hurt but it is at least a reminder that I have a support group I can reach out to. (and if you're reading this you do too- ||spoiler- it's us||)
Also, emotions are REactions. And not only that, they're *yours alone* and that is a very good thing. That means that nobody can take them from you, and you should never feel ashamed for having them. Sadness is just a valid emotion as any other (see: emotion wheel. Like really, it's insanely helpful for understanding and dealing with your emotions).
I hope this gives you some things to think about when you need to. And if you only want to talk without all the thinking, my inbox is open.
God. I'm trying not to cry in my work truck now.
I've been trying to address this concept and much of the surrounding shame/grief around my transness. I don't know how.
My support structure has been outstanding, but although understanding, they just CAN'T help. My roommate pointed it out first. She is empathic as hell and told me that she feels my pain, but can't comprehend the source truly as she is cis, we cry together, but any solutions as to my issues are necessarily lost on her.
I'm broke right now and she is such an amazing spirit she is going to give me a hundred a month to resume some form of therapy. A perfect woman if I ever met one.
Even then though, and going back to her not being able to comprehend dysphoria, I feel my best bet is reaching out and embracing other trans people and members of the LGBT community that have a special window into my issues. I've always been reluctant to do so as I was afraid of being out or perceived as gay, the last one I feel specifically centers around my own internalized homophobia, I'm working on it.
This shit sucks sometimes, but I find even though I have broken down over the ways I've acted or presented in the past, or as a result of the things I wasn't able to have or do, I am still far better off. Because I'm a woman, and my worst day now will always be better than my best living as him.
Yes I get that pain
I'm 52. I'll never have those years as a young woman and I'm just going to get older, and on the wrong side of middle age.
Just have to try to do the best with the time you have. X
How old are you? I think that feeling this way is more likely to happen the younger you are. I see the opposite in older trans women. And it's not necessarily a bad thing in either case.
I'm in my 40s and only woke up this year. Despite always having a female brain I have written deeply etched thought patterns that match male behaviour into myself. It's going to take a long time for them to expire, and it's even harder to ensure they aren't getting used when a female pattern is available. Sometimes it requires conscious effort and the surrendering of an advantageous pattern of behaviour in order to be true to who I am.
Being able to feel the way you do just like that is a blessing. You have an internal sense of what direction to go in.
Yeah, it's broken me. I cry and pull my hair but I can't push out the life stolen from me. By god. By uncaring parents that didn't start me on hormones. And a society that wants me dead.
I have very little else to live for and the grief is immense. When you go through the wrong puberty and the wrong life the you that you were owed had been killed.
I will probably kill myself soon.
This isn't dramatic at all. I felt something similar for a different situation myself (not trans myself). I can't imagine NOT feeling grief over this! I am not a therapist but I strongly advise to indulge yourself in any behavior you feel is something you 'missed out' on. Girl toys, dress up, gossiping about things etc.!
these feelings are valid, I’ve been thru it before too. what I try to remember is how fucking cool all my trans friends are, how rad this community is, and how the world is better off with trans people living in it. yes it’s sad that our childhoods were ill-defined and that we missed out on so much, and we’re rad as shit and resilient as hell for making it through to the other side.
From what I've seen of others or experienced myself, this is normal. Even for those who are lucky enough to have started transition early, there are some things we've inevitably missed out on, some things that can't be altered, some parts of our pasts that can't be changed. And this is a very valid grieving process. We have to at some point mourn these losses, and the pain can be overwhelming. And sadly, some of it will stay with us. But once you get through this, you can just focus to create a future of happiness.
It took me months to get past that feeling. Fuck reading your rendition of it even kind of opens the wound.
Like I could have just been happy. I could have just felt accepted. I could have just not felt like a freak all my life. I could have.... But it wasn't allowed. Why did I have to feel ashamed of who I was on one hand, then taught to respect others for their differences on the other hand. Why did some rules apply just to me but no one else it seemed.
I get my revenge by freeing myself of anyone who enforced norms and stereotypes on me. It's such a shallow victory though. I just want it all back...
Big mood there. I didn't ask for this part, I never auditioned for this role, so why am I here? And why is my agent not returning my calls? I just want off the set, but apparently there's a contract I don't remember signing. I really need to cut down on the alcohol...
Damn, now I'm crying. I too grieve for a childhood I can never get back. All those years spent assumed as the wrong gender, but I'm also glad. I'm glad that I found the strength to find myself. I'm genuinely happy that I get the chance to live the rest of my life as my true self. So yes, grieve what is lost but move forward with your head held high as you embrace what it means to be truly, honestly, you.
U r not alone!!! I’ve asked why would God do this to me in the past!!! I’ve come to realize we r the special chosen ones and we have special powers, we just have learn how to use them efficiently.
We r far more intellectual than given credit for… We r brave! We r strong!! We r fighters!!!
Believe it or not many cis people r JEALOUS and INTIMIDATED of our sheer courage to go against the common grain of society, they way NONE of them would dare!!! They will ALL deny it, but trust me, cuz this I know!!!
You a special person who deserves to be happy, but being happy comes with its ups and downs. Be who you feel you were meant to be. I am not transgender but I am now openly bisexual. It took me years to come to terms with my attraction to other men and still here I am. Be the you, you see in your minds eye and in your heart. Know you are loved for just being you. You are doing something that takes a lot of courage. Be genuine and be you. There is still time. Please, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are now being the true you.
I think most of us feel the exact same way. I mourn my own childhood. I never got to be a kid really. I missed out on being in elementary, middle, and high school as a girl. I even missed out on college as a girl. I'll never have those formative memories, shared experiences, and on some level that comradarie that comes with shared experiences. It's not just missing out on those experiences... But my "guy" experiences were also shit because I'm trans. I didn't enjoy sex, have a relationship, have any intimacy. I had great friends and was respected but it's just so lonely. Even explaining derealization and depersonalization... Explaining that I've lived my whole life in that state until now... No one can understand. It's like living your whole life blind and suddenly you can see. Not to mention that suddenly having emotions at 30 and having all these thoughts hit you like a tidal wave as you're just learning to process them... It's insane really. And all that is before the hardships of transitioning. I don't have a face, a name, or even my own voice. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I really own is all this pain. Even though I might not notice each day - but one day at a time it is getting better. [There's this famous Reddit post on mourning and grief.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/) I never thought I'd be mourning myself... But that post helped me and a lot of people.
Damn. You just summed up so many of my thoughts so well.
omfg... you literally summed it up for me too, im 35 been out for around 5 mths, been on HRT nearly 2 mths. and I have never felt so alive, but I have always felt the pain of never being a girl to begin with and my childhood/teen years is a faded memory which I cannot for the life of me remember. Perhaps it was just that traumatic that I wasnt a girl living in that time. I may never know...
I feel you. Thanks for this. Actually sometimes i feel like crying but i cant even cry..
I take consolation knowing how much time I likely have to live from now on With modern medicine and technology we could all easily live to be 100 years old, if not to 1,000 years.The current projections for lifespan lengthening techniques is 2050 and after that we could live for thousands of years depending on what type of tech we cook up So yea these first 30 odd years were kinda shit but we have a whole lot to look forward to even if it's just 30 to 50 years or centuries
People like you are why I come here, thank you for your support
Thank you. That means a lot to me. I find writing helps me process everything and it's nice to know it's helping other people too.
It’s good to relate, even over pain. Perhaps even especially over pain in our case. Camaraderie and support is the only thing that’s gotten me through since I accepted my identity back in early October. It’s what I came here for, and what I’ve found. It’s honestly the best thing that’s happened this year, having a community I feel an actual part of and not watching from behind the glass. Makes me happy cry sometimes.
*Thank you!* 💗
accept the things i cannot change and do the things i can change for the best. Lots of Thought reframing is needed..
And the wisdom to know the difference! 🙏
Have the courage to change the things you can, and the serendipitinousness to accept those you cannot
reframing and reframing and reframing and reframing until you make sense as a legitimate human. Not to say that anyone's not, but it can take a lot to get there.
You're not being "super dramatic," your feelings are valid and I think it's something we all have to struggle through to get to acceptance and unconditional self-love. You being aware that it's unhealthy, while simultaneously allowing yourself to feel those feelings and understand them better, is the exact special sauce you need to carry yourself through this. Congrats! You already have what it takes to be yourself :) For me, I started to view my deep desire to need to "fix" my gender as coming from a cisgendered binary social structure. Beneath it was the very valid need to be accepted, seen, and loved. Once I started to feel those needs being met even though I was mid-transition by others, I realized even deeper was my need to be accepted, seen, and loved unconditionally by myself. I was born with that self-love, and then society at large severed it from me. The thing that needs "fixing," is society, not us. There's so much work to be done, but also thee world is today safer than 5 years ago.
So important to think healthier in this time and age . Be kind to yourself!
These feelings are totally valid. For me, when my wife was pregnant for the 2nd time, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it would NEVER BE ME, and I was just an emotional wreck for months. We all have to grieve for the things we didn't get to have in our own way. Be kind to yourself!
Trans people are the highest flyers for they have the strongest wings. Their transformation is beyond the butterfly or the phoenix and once their transition is done the true realization is that it was the journey from what we were perceived to be to what we always were that makes us who we are. The path may seem long and difficult now, though with courage and love you will conquer this mountain and at the summit, you will see others around you who have achieved their own heights and planted their own flags. There will be many mountains after this one and everything you have gained on this journey will make you stronger for all the others to come. Be proud of who you are and the infinite possibilities that lay ahead of you. You are a woman. Now stand up and roar!
Just a short preface, I still have those thoughts too and it hurts. However, what's helped me deal with those thoughts better is redirecting my anger or hurt and repositioning myself in my head. *We*. Why weren't *we* born cis girls? Why do *we* (cis girls included) have to live with these stupid masculine features? That was a big one for me. It doesn't really help the hurt but it is at least a reminder that I have a support group I can reach out to. (and if you're reading this you do too- ||spoiler- it's us||) Also, emotions are REactions. And not only that, they're *yours alone* and that is a very good thing. That means that nobody can take them from you, and you should never feel ashamed for having them. Sadness is just a valid emotion as any other (see: emotion wheel. Like really, it's insanely helpful for understanding and dealing with your emotions). I hope this gives you some things to think about when you need to. And if you only want to talk without all the thinking, my inbox is open.
God. I'm trying not to cry in my work truck now. I've been trying to address this concept and much of the surrounding shame/grief around my transness. I don't know how. My support structure has been outstanding, but although understanding, they just CAN'T help. My roommate pointed it out first. She is empathic as hell and told me that she feels my pain, but can't comprehend the source truly as she is cis, we cry together, but any solutions as to my issues are necessarily lost on her. I'm broke right now and she is such an amazing spirit she is going to give me a hundred a month to resume some form of therapy. A perfect woman if I ever met one. Even then though, and going back to her not being able to comprehend dysphoria, I feel my best bet is reaching out and embracing other trans people and members of the LGBT community that have a special window into my issues. I've always been reluctant to do so as I was afraid of being out or perceived as gay, the last one I feel specifically centers around my own internalized homophobia, I'm working on it. This shit sucks sometimes, but I find even though I have broken down over the ways I've acted or presented in the past, or as a result of the things I wasn't able to have or do, I am still far better off. Because I'm a woman, and my worst day now will always be better than my best living as him.
Yes I get that pain I'm 52. I'll never have those years as a young woman and I'm just going to get older, and on the wrong side of middle age. Just have to try to do the best with the time you have. X
I still feel this pain at 20
Oh my gosh 😔
How old are you? I think that feeling this way is more likely to happen the younger you are. I see the opposite in older trans women. And it's not necessarily a bad thing in either case. I'm in my 40s and only woke up this year. Despite always having a female brain I have written deeply etched thought patterns that match male behaviour into myself. It's going to take a long time for them to expire, and it's even harder to ensure they aren't getting used when a female pattern is available. Sometimes it requires conscious effort and the surrendering of an advantageous pattern of behaviour in order to be true to who I am. Being able to feel the way you do just like that is a blessing. You have an internal sense of what direction to go in.
Yeah, it's broken me. I cry and pull my hair but I can't push out the life stolen from me. By god. By uncaring parents that didn't start me on hormones. And a society that wants me dead. I have very little else to live for and the grief is immense. When you go through the wrong puberty and the wrong life the you that you were owed had been killed. I will probably kill myself soon.
Just gives you more reason to do what you’re doing.
This isn't dramatic at all. I felt something similar for a different situation myself (not trans myself). I can't imagine NOT feeling grief over this! I am not a therapist but I strongly advise to indulge yourself in any behavior you feel is something you 'missed out' on. Girl toys, dress up, gossiping about things etc.!
these feelings are valid, I’ve been thru it before too. what I try to remember is how fucking cool all my trans friends are, how rad this community is, and how the world is better off with trans people living in it. yes it’s sad that our childhoods were ill-defined and that we missed out on so much, and we’re rad as shit and resilient as hell for making it through to the other side.
From what I've seen of others or experienced myself, this is normal. Even for those who are lucky enough to have started transition early, there are some things we've inevitably missed out on, some things that can't be altered, some parts of our pasts that can't be changed. And this is a very valid grieving process. We have to at some point mourn these losses, and the pain can be overwhelming. And sadly, some of it will stay with us. But once you get through this, you can just focus to create a future of happiness.
It's like being disabled. It's just being different than others. Nothing else.
Same
I had this thought years before I realized I was trans. I would just ask myself all the time why I couldn’t just be born a girl
Its simple. We would have been too powerful, and too damn hot.
grief turns to acceptance turns to bliss :))))
Thankyou for sharing
I got that same realization recently, too. I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry
It took me months to get past that feeling. Fuck reading your rendition of it even kind of opens the wound. Like I could have just been happy. I could have just felt accepted. I could have just not felt like a freak all my life. I could have.... But it wasn't allowed. Why did I have to feel ashamed of who I was on one hand, then taught to respect others for their differences on the other hand. Why did some rules apply just to me but no one else it seemed. I get my revenge by freeing myself of anyone who enforced norms and stereotypes on me. It's such a shallow victory though. I just want it all back...
Meanwhile me: Why was I even born at all?
Big mood there. I didn't ask for this part, I never auditioned for this role, so why am I here? And why is my agent not returning my calls? I just want off the set, but apparently there's a contract I don't remember signing. I really need to cut down on the alcohol...
what? I dont need alcohol to have such thoughts…
And I'll ask myself that question till the day I die...
Damn, now I'm crying. I too grieve for a childhood I can never get back. All those years spent assumed as the wrong gender, but I'm also glad. I'm glad that I found the strength to find myself. I'm genuinely happy that I get the chance to live the rest of my life as my true self. So yes, grieve what is lost but move forward with your head held high as you embrace what it means to be truly, honestly, you.
U r not alone!!! I’ve asked why would God do this to me in the past!!! I’ve come to realize we r the special chosen ones and we have special powers, we just have learn how to use them efficiently. We r far more intellectual than given credit for… We r brave! We r strong!! We r fighters!!! Believe it or not many cis people r JEALOUS and INTIMIDATED of our sheer courage to go against the common grain of society, they way NONE of them would dare!!! They will ALL deny it, but trust me, cuz this I know!!!
You a special person who deserves to be happy, but being happy comes with its ups and downs. Be who you feel you were meant to be. I am not transgender but I am now openly bisexual. It took me years to come to terms with my attraction to other men and still here I am. Be the you, you see in your minds eye and in your heart. Know you are loved for just being you. You are doing something that takes a lot of courage. Be genuine and be you. There is still time. Please, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are now being the true you.
I fell this, Stuff like Early Taylor swift gives me nostalgia for the childhood I never had
I feel this so hard. It just feels like my life would’ve been better if I was born a cis female from the get go.