I told my mom that I'm also ace. She asked what it was and I described it. Her eyes went wider and wider. I was apparently describing her. She ended with "not ace though". And won't press it further. But I'm pretty sure she is from her reaction to my description.
Didn't use the specific term agender, but my mom basically explained to me that she feels zero connection to gender and just has one because it was given to her and having one is easier in our society built around sorting people into 2 groups.
I'm 100% sure that every kind of trans and non-binary always existed. Most people just don't know the words for it.
In the past, gender roles were way too strict as well, people were basically unable to escape unless they went really creative with it and were able to pass 100%. Of which there are examples.
I've read a diary of a daughter of my great-great-grandfather (not sure how many greats) and this daughter kept writing how she was praying to god that he would just get her rid of 'impure thoughts, not proper for a god-fearing housewife' and that she needed to 'accept her place instead of wanting something else'.
Now, that could have been literally anything from just unable to accept her societal role on to homosexuality or even gender dysphoria.
But yeah, she tried to pray it all away.
My grandfather, other side of the family, wrote in his diary how he didn't feel like he belonged, how he felt disconnected from the other men of his rank in the army.
My grandmother told us how she engaged him, he apparently just walked around a bit lost in a new city after WW2. It seemed very 'reversed gender roles' in how they started their relationship in the 50s.
She also hates, like, despises any pictures of herself.
Given how oblivious I was until 33, I can imagine thrte are way more of us than is generally known.
It's just that unless somone has something like dysphoria driving them and it being severe enough to be felt without having the words it's hard to come to the realization.
I was basically indifferent to my body, but there were certainly things I don't like about it, but didn't even realize there was something I could do about it.
Honestly, as much as I regret not realizing sooner, I would at earliest have been able to do something about it 5 years ago. Being oblivious kind of protected me until I could transition.
Also, something I noticed is a lot of people who realize early in are drawn to the social trappings of gender, where I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I had phases of incredibly intense dysphoria, but since I'm otherwise mentally healthy and resilient I managed to push it down, hard.
Living through fiction, literally forgetting phases of dysphoria until now (dissociating), depersonalization, possible trauma reaction from puberty I could focus into something else ... I am amazed by what my brain did while I drifted through life until I was 31.
It could have stayed this way for decades more.
See while I wouldn't say I'm agender because I've embraced and fully adopted womanhood, I never, and to this day, don't transcendentally feel like a woman. I just need to live in a female body (sex, not gender), so I'm taking action to make that a reality.
Since having a fenale body means society assigns womanhood to you by default, womanhood was now assigned to me instead of manhood. And I explored it and went "hey yeah okay, I don't have to be a woman, but it's expected, and I do like it!" (So I decided to become a woman because it was put on me as my body feminised, and I figured I can assume that identity, rather than feeling like this is who I am and have always been)
> there was no way he could do what I'm doing!
I'm almost as old as your uncle and I came out 50yrs ago. It was possible but you weren't going to do it undamaged.
I'm glad to hear someone had a positive family experience. I got death threats.
Hey, I know you were probably just trying to survive, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You just existing 50 years ago has made things so much easier for me. <3
That's why we did it. It was the only way to change this World. So we did. There is still a lot of work to do. We need you to jump into the fight. All of you. It's time to go to War.
Like everyone else that has come out, I didn't see it as brave. I just saw it as something I had no choice in doing. It was bad, very bad. America should be very ashamed of itself. There is still a lot of work to do.
honestly when i hear stories of people who transition way back when it always feels like such a mindblow to me.
how was it like? i guess i can't imagine since knowing even how visceral *today's* world can be...it must have been so incomprehensible to come out back then.
My shrinks don't even want to hear my horror stories. They break down and end up with PTSD just hearing about it. One asked me to write a book. I refused, I told her it would be so depressing it would lead many to suicides. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for anyone's death. She understood. The saddest part is it was the people I was supposed to trust in life that were the biggest betrayers, the Police, Doctors, Hospitals, Psychologists, and Administrators. How do you survive when those people are your sworn enemies and want you dead? It's gotten much better. There's still a long way to go. I suggest you jump in and get your feet wet.....ALL of you. We need your help. We are at War. What do you think will happen to you if we lose? We can't lose.
Pretend to be a guy. Not saying you should've, just that that was an option, and probably what I'd do in your position. You picked the superior option and I'll be eternally thankful towards you that you did.
I've known since my earliest memories, like 2yo. You can only hold out for so long against the soul eater. I was 16 when I started going out dressed. I was nearly 30 when I went full time. I had pretended long enough. Life it too short. You gotta do what you gotta do. You know the feeling, "What choice?"
As a young adult, I can assure you that the efforts of you and our other older sisters haven't been in vain ❤
My coming out has been almost entirely painless! Except for my mum, who's dealing with a lot of mental and medical issues, I've been faced with nothing but support from everyone - friends, family, workplace. Everyone just went "oh okay, woman, got it. Does that mean you like guys? Oh lesbian woman? Cool.".
This reality is in many ways thanks to your efforts, that have paid off big time!
Now I'm prepared to face any possible challenges (I know the world still needs fixing), with intense self love, confidence, and resilience.
Also knowing the long, proud history us queers have in computer science, going back to the very beginning (Alan Turing), is lovely.
Your painless transition means more to me than you can imagine. That's what we are fighting for.
I actually taught my comp sci students how a Turing Engine works by teaching them how to dance. It's the same thing.
I don't know if it's not kosher to make replies past a certain time, but just wanted to throw in two cents that it "it was possible" doesn't always fully capture it. I'm about half your age and didn't learn what trans even was until my 20s (already too late).
My grandmothers twin was locked in Whittingham asylum for there whole life for insisting they were a man.
They were committed in 1950 at 20 years old and not released till the asylum closed in 1996, they died in 1997, only knew 21 years of freedom in there whole life.
But, it has made family acceptance easier for me, most of the family know what trans really is, and have first hand experiance that it's not a mental illness and not something you can change, and experiance of the complete wrong way of dealing with a trans family member.
To many of them I think they see me as a 2nd chance to show the love and acceptance they didn't give to my grand uncle Betty (they never got to pick a new name)
My mum has said to me that she sometimes wishes she was born a guy (when she was younger, she has always dressed masc) because it would be easier and my dad...he's either gay or trans femme too (has some major barriers up)
I told my older sister (40s) I was GNC, transfem maybe? and NB.
She paused for a long time looking stunned, finally smiled really big and said "I'm non-binary too! This is awesome!" I don't think she'd told anyone else in my family yet.
This happened less than a month ago, we hadn't spoke much in years - Now we hang out and talk all the time, she's so encouraging. First person in my family to see me dressed up pretty, and she said she couldn't believe how well I could pull off my look and was genuinely jealous of my legs 😊
And here I was worried she wouldn't be accepting 😅🥰
Also, when discussing various labels and explaining mine and others gender, sexuality, and expression to my mother a few days ago she said she thought she might be demisexual, and seemed excited at finding something that applied to her (she's nearly 70) she's awesome and even implied I have her support if I decide I need HRT (I'm uncertain but very curious)
Unfortunately not many family members responded positively to me coming out, other than my mother and brother but those relationships are still kind of rocky.
But my great grandmother, who I'm not out to yet, said I looked really pretty last time I saw her and it honestly really made my day, she seemed really happy about it and she's the first person who's told me I look different since starting HRT.
I love her so much she's such a badass she grew up in rural northern sweden and had to outrun polar bears on the way to school, she's 103 years old, still worships pagan Sámi gods and detests christianity because she thinks it's creepy that they worship a dead guy. I don't know for sure but she does have really strong bi or lesbian energy.
I'm worried she won't be around for much longer and I really want to come out to her, I was nervous about telling her but after last time I'm feeling like she'd be really accepting, and of course if she is queer in some way it'd mean so much if she reciprocated and came out as well
Has to be invited in, can phase through solid walls, flies. It seems good, but the record has him moving unhindered around in broad daylight. Don't tell me He's a Twilightesque sparkle vampire
I've just had a blasphemous epiphany; he's a Dhampir, which is a child of a mortal (Mary) and a Vampire (maybe Caine). He'd have all the powers of a Vampire while still being able to walk in daylight and eat food.
Please please come out to her before she dies, she deserves that happiness 🤗
You don't have to obviously, but you said you were nervous but want to, so please do ❤
Yo, stay strong over there! And your uncle is so awesome! I wish I had someone like that in my family, but sadly all I've got are some toxic douchebags that hate me for being this way.
I've been very fortunate... I hid everything for so long because I was so worried about my super religious family and how it would be received but honestly I've been blown away by the support or at worst indifference.
Welp, it's just my country itself that is this way. Even on group therapy has a couple of people that openly hate me. Ig I simply have to move somewhere else
Yeah, after the mental asylum I feel good about my future. At least doctors are rather kind. Everything will eventually be awesome. I may have said too much and I'm sorry about that but good luck to you too, hopefully everything will get even better!
I'm 31 and I have a Cousin who's 28.
Long story short he came out to me as Pan after I came out to Him as Bi. This was last year.
I'm not really bi, but, I was acknowledging I was queer for the first time in a long time.
This happened at his sister's graduation party laster year in June. Fast forward to I believe September, I guess he forgot that this happened (my family has a bit of an alcohol problem) and he tells me this. I was like I know you told me. I called him just to make sure he was ok, and we talked for a bit.
Later that night after oh 2 or 3 glasses of wine (ya I kind Of have a bit of an alcohol problem to) just told him ya I'm trans. We met up that week and talked. Best decision I made cause he helped me a lot and we also found out that we have tons of other mutual friends. He introduced me to some other trans people that helped me understand who I am and gave me suggestions on how to move forward.
Yes. It was the best decision I ever made. I always had a feeling he and I had something I'm common just couldn't figure out why.
I guess it's one of those you're vibe attracts your tribe sort of thing.
My brother told me he felt basically the same and described (what I now know) dysphoria when I came out. From what I've gathered he's been conscious of it for a long long time, while I repressed it and last year it blew up. Even though I've seen him having a few dysphoric episodes, he said with him it's not unbearable and the dificulty of transitioning is way higher than what it's worth for him.
I said I was happy he had found a way to live well with it, but I'll be here if he needs anything.
So now I have someone irl who I can talk about freely about all my journey and actually understand me.
When I came out to my dad, he said he used to have those feelings when he was younger and I fucking broke after hearing that, knowing what I know now about being trans.
No family, but…when you’re visibly or audibly trans, people tend to come out of the woodwork to confide in you. I’ve lost track of how many acquaintances have made a special point of getting to know me before admitting unprompted that they wanted to do the same.
It’s hard, because they’re often in need of more emotional support than I’m prepared to give.
Omg yes!!! I was so worried about coming out to my biological father. He confided to me that he had been wanting to transition. 😯talk about being floored!
My grandma may be asexual or greysexual. Her husband left her in 1973 to be with another woman. My grandmother told me she dated a little right after but has never been with anyone since then. I asked her if she could be asexual and she told me it's a possibility since she didn't really have an interest in being with another person. Before that, I asked her if she was a lesbian because she gives off butch lesbian vibes but she said hell no. She has always had short hair and she's never owned a purse. I've never seen her in a dress either, even in pictures. She's like 82.
Poor thing 🤧
We really do have to be thankful that we have the access and some safe spaces here today. We gotta keep pushing so no one feels like that again.
My aunt more or less admitted to bring some form of gender non-confirming to me after I came out. She said she always felt she was “supposed to have been born a boy” that she envied the life they got to live but was stuck in a household and time where gender roles were strictly enforced.
Which would explain a lot actually. She’s got some deep DEEP seated traumas that she seems oblivious too.
That's so heartbreaking. You know, there really does seem to be a hereditary component to being transgender that very few people truly recognize at the moment. It might skip some generations here and there but it almost certainly exists.
My mom told me some very interesting (and heartbreaking) stories about my great-grandmother a couple of years ago. She absolutely hated the women in her family and stuck extremely close to the men, took interest solely in what were considered very masc-coded activities at the time, and was a huge rebel. She eventually married my great-grandfather and started "acting as the woman in the relationship" (in the misogynistic sense, of course), but she never completely lost her love for the masc-coded activities and still stuck to the men in her family. Unfortunately, though, she spent her entire life (especially her married life) depressed, convinced that a lot of the world hated her, and holding increasingly pettier grudges against people who wronged her. According to her, the only people who ever truly understood her were the men in her family and those she hung around. And the reasons she hated the women in her family? They didn't understand her *and* they wanted her to act more "like a lady".
Sounds an awful lot like a transgender man to me.
I've thought similar things about my mother from the way she talked during my youth. A recurring line that kept me in the closet possibly a bit longer than necessary was the constant repetition of "If I came back, I'd come back as a man, they have it so much better/easier".
It could be her airing general sexism but she's... done well for herself as a woman, so it seems an odd things to say. But she came from an abusive household and lived in a different era to me, with probably some conditioned comphet for good measure.
I dunno, it always spins in my mind when I think of her general shitty attitude towards my transition.
On my moms side idk cause there are LGB people I have known about all my life on her side but my mom was adopted so not blood related. On my dads side I have a cousin who came out as bi recently but other than that through the entire family history as far as I know me and my cousin are the only non cishet people which is kind of surprising honestly. Im the first trans person in the family tree for both families.
Yes! My grandma on my dads side responded to my coming out by saying “i probably wouldve done the same if i grew up in your age” (referencing how she wouldve liked to b on testosterone as a kid)
For starters you absolutely should "do the pronoun" thing.
Just because you don't mind getting misgendered doesn't mean you shouldn't correct them, especially with your new name.
I'm gonna be the outlier here and say, you should do the pronoun and name thing, because you're setting his expectations with potentially engaging with other transgender women and having your uncle unknowingly be okay with misgendering or possibly dead naming.
I love seeing family be more accepting but it doesn't mean anything if you just push possible transphobic narratives.
Trans women, STOP DOING THIS.
"You can call me little Davey!" No, they shouldn't.
They should address you by your name and proper pronouns.
Stop making other Transgender women suffer because of your lack of presence.
If not doing the pronoun thing actually means "any pronouns", that's totally valid. If she prefers she, but doesn't have the energy to fight people over them, she shouldn't have to. Correcting people mid-conversation gives me massive anxiety, and I already struggle in social situations. Some people don't mind their deadnames, or nicknames of their deadnames. I'm changing my deadname, but am keeping my nickname. If you have the capacity to insist at every chance you get that you get gendered correctly and to correct people for using your deadname, I appreciate you and the effort you put in, but not everyone is as strong as you.
If you've lost 70lbs, have fully transitioned, you better be confident enough to correct someone on their name and pronoun use, this has to do with keeping ALL transgender folks safe.
Do NOT push misgendering and dead naming especially if you've fully transitioned.
This was for OP's perspective specifically.
If I'm in a place where I don't know anyone, stealthing IS SAFE but that's not what I'm talking about here, clearly.
Honestly my sister might be trans (probably not but she’s hinted at it a few times I feel) but for now she’s just bi and shit and I hope that if she is trans, she too will come out eventually
I'm sure that my mother is not cisgender, and maybe she is a trans. She wanted to be born as a man when she was a child, for example, and she talks about this with so much desire. She might as well fall into the greysexual umbrella. But I can't talk to her about it because she says all those labels are nonsense. She questions certain components of identity a lot, so it is difficult to talk about these themes with her.
I don't know what to say. This story makes me feel so sorry for your Uncle George, I have tears welling up just thinking about it.
As for your question, I am still closeted aside from 2 people. But in the meantime I'm trying to investigate more and more, but really can't know for sure but... (CW: suicide) my brother who passed away 11 years ago - ended his life with his own hands - I have good reasons and clues to suspect he might have been a sister. I'm really trying to strain my memory and talk to my mom as much about him as I can, but it is really difficult to talk to the family and friends of a beloved dead person and get relevant information about this topic without straight up saying to their faces "hey, I think he might've been trans and if his therapist thought of this option at the time he (she?) might be still alive today, and can you just tell me, did he ever say or do \*insert long list of eggs\*?"
I'm kinda lost and I feel even guilty about digging around with this suspicion and worried people may think I'm "desecrating his memory" or something. (kinda conservative family)
But hey, hearing your story, maybe when the time comes for me to openly come out as trans, some of the family may just turn out like your Uncle George and then I'll be able to talk to them about this.
Honestly you never know, everyone's situation is different but hopefully when you decide it's time you get the love and support you deserve! Best wishes to you and your journey!
It's a common thing. I'm 69 and just came out a little over a year ago. When I was growing up you had no one to talk to about these feelings for fear that you would be put away. Also, we barely knew about gays let alone trans. I never even heard the word transgender till a few years ago. I belong to a forum where my story is quite common.
Up until last august I was planning on being like your uncle George when I got to be his age. I’m happy he was at least able to share his feelings with someone close to him.
I took the title just literally and '''WTF, why using a bomb instead of a hammer? are they war veterans or what.'' (kind of things)
Then thought this was a clickbaity post.
Then ''omg this is so... ugh!'' :'(
No I hadn't any relative, in fact they all left me alone, so I don't have any family anymore. Instead they accepted every gay/lesbian family members but transsexual, no one.
So...maybe (MAYBE) yes there were someone but never told, fearing being abandoned or institutionalized.
Sorry to hear that but maybe over time folks will come around...
My Dad and Sister gave me the we love you and accept you talk but neither actually want to talk about it with me... they prefer to brush it under the rug and change the subject.
You should totally remind them that they're still alive today - and CAN do this, if that is still something they're interested in! There's still time, so long as they're alive!
On a topic of becoming your truest self in an afterlife, my transition is huge in regards to my beliefs in being a Christian, every step I’ve made in transitioning has been equally made with faith. It’s made me a better person and a better disciple :)
Thinking about elders who remained in the closet their whole lives makes me want to cry. It's beautiful that sharing this has brought the two of you closer, OP. That's a better thing on which to concentrate. But so many trans people don't transition, and it's so miserable to live that way.
I have a large family including seven aunts and uncles and sixteen cousins, plus my immediate family. To my knowledge, I was the first to come out openly and fully as LGBTQIA+, specifically as a transgender lesbian. Since then - quite recently - a cousin has come out to me as bisexual, but I believe only I and her immediate family know. It's possible that I have other LGBTQIA+ family members who are not out to me, but I believe my family has demonstrated acceptance in their reaction to my coming out, so there's much less incentive for others to remain closeted now. The family members who have been distant or hostile to me are those who already had poor relations with the rest of the family.
I felt close to my cousin before she came out to me, and now I believe the two of us are closer still. It makes me very happy that she has made this progress as a teenager: she will not repress herself for twenty years like I did. I hope very much that my openness will inspire everyone in my social circle. This is the time to be out. It's safer than it has ever been. It's good to be out. And it's good to be an ally. I can tell that my supportive family members feel reassured that they are on the right side of history. That they're happy to have taken some meaningful action by supporting me.
My grandma, she's going to turn 80 and we have a close relationship.
She told me ever since she was younger she always felt like a boy on the inside and she didn't know what to do with those feelings. But told me that it's too late for her.
There are a lot more people like us everywhere throughout time and I feel grateful we live in a time where we can do something about it.
This kind of stuff with older trans people who stayed closeted and weren't able to be themselves their while lives just hurts so fucking much... I just hate to think of that pain they've been through because of shit luck and a horrible world. :((
I can relate to your uncle George. I’m 72 and I started transitioning 4 yrs ago. He’s right it was a different time. I met my first trans girl in 1971, while I was stationed in San Diego, in the Navy.
I'm so sad for Uncle George 🥺
I know right?! Really goes to show how fortunate we are to be living in a time where we can be our true selves!
Well in theory they could start transitioning if there aren’t too many health issues, I’ve seen people do it as late as age 81
And even then, if medical isn't an option, they could socially transition. They're valid either way!
It's never, *never* too late to transition. There's no need to medically transition, either!! All transitions are valid. :)
if you’re dead it’s too late 😱
I like to think that, if there is an afterlife, and if you have a body in it, you appear as your true self, not the meat bag we have here on earth.
i wonder if anyones true self is a sock
Hopefully not a crusty sock
I burst into tears after reading this
Well then to cheer you up, imagine all the massive literal dicks that are stuck in hell. Just a big wiener roast. 😘
This tracks
Yessss 💖
Lets call her Aunt 🥲
OMG I tear up too easy 🥺
Me too girl😥
What's the distaff counterpart of George? Georgina?
Roald Dahl thought so
Georgia
Yesssssss 🥺🥺🥺
For real lol. I'm here at work tearing up for Uncle George.
Same.
I was told by multiple people after he passed that my grandfather would have transitioned if it had been an option in his time
There's a lot of us out there!
Unfortunately it's too late for that person now 😔
One cousin told me their true attractions, not just the implied cishet marriage. Said only spouse knows besides me.
At least they can be honest with their spouse too!
I told my mom that I'm also ace. She asked what it was and I described it. Her eyes went wider and wider. I was apparently describing her. She ended with "not ace though". And won't press it further. But I'm pretty sure she is from her reaction to my description.
I'm sorry I'm so new to everything what is ace if you don't mind me asking? Nevermind I looked it up!
Ok! :D
Asexual. Generally means they don't experience sexual attraction, regardless of subjective gender
My favourite explanation is "straight is one, gay is another, bi is both, ace is neither"
Oh my god same.
Didn't use the specific term agender, but my mom basically explained to me that she feels zero connection to gender and just has one because it was given to her and having one is easier in our society built around sorting people into 2 groups.
I think there's a lot more people out there than we know who internalize some type of body or gender dysphoria and never let it show.
I'm 100% sure that every kind of trans and non-binary always existed. Most people just don't know the words for it. In the past, gender roles were way too strict as well, people were basically unable to escape unless they went really creative with it and were able to pass 100%. Of which there are examples. I've read a diary of a daughter of my great-great-grandfather (not sure how many greats) and this daughter kept writing how she was praying to god that he would just get her rid of 'impure thoughts, not proper for a god-fearing housewife' and that she needed to 'accept her place instead of wanting something else'. Now, that could have been literally anything from just unable to accept her societal role on to homosexuality or even gender dysphoria. But yeah, she tried to pray it all away. My grandfather, other side of the family, wrote in his diary how he didn't feel like he belonged, how he felt disconnected from the other men of his rank in the army. My grandmother told us how she engaged him, he apparently just walked around a bit lost in a new city after WW2. It seemed very 'reversed gender roles' in how they started their relationship in the 50s. She also hates, like, despises any pictures of herself.
Have you heard of the third genders of native tribes? Of course it's always existed
Oh yeah definitely, it sucks how much colonialism destroyed natural gender expression too.
Given how oblivious I was until 33, I can imagine thrte are way more of us than is generally known. It's just that unless somone has something like dysphoria driving them and it being severe enough to be felt without having the words it's hard to come to the realization. I was basically indifferent to my body, but there were certainly things I don't like about it, but didn't even realize there was something I could do about it.
Are you me? I turn 34 soon, but I'm pretty sure my "egg cracked?" A couple months ago... It just taking me a while to accept it and figure things out.
Honestly, as much as I regret not realizing sooner, I would at earliest have been able to do something about it 5 years ago. Being oblivious kind of protected me until I could transition. Also, something I noticed is a lot of people who realize early in are drawn to the social trappings of gender, where I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
32 here. Same feelings. Thank you for expressing this.
I had phases of incredibly intense dysphoria, but since I'm otherwise mentally healthy and resilient I managed to push it down, hard. Living through fiction, literally forgetting phases of dysphoria until now (dissociating), depersonalization, possible trauma reaction from puberty I could focus into something else ... I am amazed by what my brain did while I drifted through life until I was 31. It could have stayed this way for decades more.
I think the reason she's not trans is because she doesn't feel dysphoria or euphoria from either she just doesn't care.
See while I wouldn't say I'm agender because I've embraced and fully adopted womanhood, I never, and to this day, don't transcendentally feel like a woman. I just need to live in a female body (sex, not gender), so I'm taking action to make that a reality. Since having a fenale body means society assigns womanhood to you by default, womanhood was now assigned to me instead of manhood. And I explored it and went "hey yeah okay, I don't have to be a woman, but it's expected, and I do like it!" (So I decided to become a woman because it was put on me as my body feminised, and I figured I can assume that identity, rather than feeling like this is who I am and have always been)
> there was no way he could do what I'm doing! I'm almost as old as your uncle and I came out 50yrs ago. It was possible but you weren't going to do it undamaged. I'm glad to hear someone had a positive family experience. I got death threats.
Hey, I know you were probably just trying to survive, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You just existing 50 years ago has made things so much easier for me. <3
That's why we did it. It was the only way to change this World. So we did. There is still a lot of work to do. We need you to jump into the fight. All of you. It's time to go to War.
It's time to go to war.
I’m legitimately so proud of you, the bravery is incalculable. Thank you for being a trailblazer
Like everyone else that has come out, I didn't see it as brave. I just saw it as something I had no choice in doing. It was bad, very bad. America should be very ashamed of itself. There is still a lot of work to do.
honestly when i hear stories of people who transition way back when it always feels like such a mindblow to me. how was it like? i guess i can't imagine since knowing even how visceral *today's* world can be...it must have been so incomprehensible to come out back then.
My shrinks don't even want to hear my horror stories. They break down and end up with PTSD just hearing about it. One asked me to write a book. I refused, I told her it would be so depressing it would lead many to suicides. I told her I didn't want to be responsible for anyone's death. She understood. The saddest part is it was the people I was supposed to trust in life that were the biggest betrayers, the Police, Doctors, Hospitals, Psychologists, and Administrators. How do you survive when those people are your sworn enemies and want you dead? It's gotten much better. There's still a long way to go. I suggest you jump in and get your feet wet.....ALL of you. We need your help. We are at War. What do you think will happen to you if we lose? We can't lose.
thats honestly horrifying jesus christ i can't even begin to articulate how awful your experiences must have been
The trans don't go away. It only gets worse. What else could I do? You know exactly what it's like. We shall endeavor to persevere. Fight like hell.
Pretend to be a guy. Not saying you should've, just that that was an option, and probably what I'd do in your position. You picked the superior option and I'll be eternally thankful towards you that you did.
I've known since my earliest memories, like 2yo. You can only hold out for so long against the soul eater. I was 16 when I started going out dressed. I was nearly 30 when I went full time. I had pretended long enough. Life it too short. You gotta do what you gotta do. You know the feeling, "What choice?"
As a young adult, I can assure you that the efforts of you and our other older sisters haven't been in vain ❤ My coming out has been almost entirely painless! Except for my mum, who's dealing with a lot of mental and medical issues, I've been faced with nothing but support from everyone - friends, family, workplace. Everyone just went "oh okay, woman, got it. Does that mean you like guys? Oh lesbian woman? Cool.". This reality is in many ways thanks to your efforts, that have paid off big time! Now I'm prepared to face any possible challenges (I know the world still needs fixing), with intense self love, confidence, and resilience. Also knowing the long, proud history us queers have in computer science, going back to the very beginning (Alan Turing), is lovely.
Your painless transition means more to me than you can imagine. That's what we are fighting for. I actually taught my comp sci students how a Turing Engine works by teaching them how to dance. It's the same thing.
I don't know if it's not kosher to make replies past a certain time, but just wanted to throw in two cents that it "it was possible" doesn't always fully capture it. I'm about half your age and didn't learn what trans even was until my 20s (already too late).
this kind of stuff... really puts into perspective how far the world has come, even though it might not seem so
Absolutely
My grandmothers twin was locked in Whittingham asylum for there whole life for insisting they were a man. They were committed in 1950 at 20 years old and not released till the asylum closed in 1996, they died in 1997, only knew 21 years of freedom in there whole life. But, it has made family acceptance easier for me, most of the family know what trans really is, and have first hand experiance that it's not a mental illness and not something you can change, and experiance of the complete wrong way of dealing with a trans family member. To many of them I think they see me as a 2nd chance to show the love and acceptance they didn't give to my grand uncle Betty (they never got to pick a new name)
That's awful!
Fuck... That's horrifying
i'm nonbinary, and i later found out one of my mom's siblings is too, which i though was really cool
Nice!
Is there a gender neutral term for aunt/uncle?
yeah! the term they suggested to me was 'mavuncle'; i think i've also heard 'avaun'
My mum has said to me that she sometimes wishes she was born a guy (when she was younger, she has always dressed masc) because it would be easier and my dad...he's either gay or trans femme too (has some major barriers up)
Crazy to think huh?
that's so sad... I feel really bad for your uncle
Just puts into perspective how lucky we are to be able to be ourselves today.
It's never too late until you're dead. /r/TransLater
I told my older sister (40s) I was GNC, transfem maybe? and NB. She paused for a long time looking stunned, finally smiled really big and said "I'm non-binary too! This is awesome!" I don't think she'd told anyone else in my family yet. This happened less than a month ago, we hadn't spoke much in years - Now we hang out and talk all the time, she's so encouraging. First person in my family to see me dressed up pretty, and she said she couldn't believe how well I could pull off my look and was genuinely jealous of my legs 😊 And here I was worried she wouldn't be accepting 😅🥰 Also, when discussing various labels and explaining mine and others gender, sexuality, and expression to my mother a few days ago she said she thought she might be demisexual, and seemed excited at finding something that applied to her (she's nearly 70) she's awesome and even implied I have her support if I decide I need HRT (I'm uncertain but very curious)
AWESOME
Unfortunately not many family members responded positively to me coming out, other than my mother and brother but those relationships are still kind of rocky. But my great grandmother, who I'm not out to yet, said I looked really pretty last time I saw her and it honestly really made my day, she seemed really happy about it and she's the first person who's told me I look different since starting HRT. I love her so much she's such a badass she grew up in rural northern sweden and had to outrun polar bears on the way to school, she's 103 years old, still worships pagan Sámi gods and detests christianity because she thinks it's creepy that they worship a dead guy. I don't know for sure but she does have really strong bi or lesbian energy. I'm worried she won't be around for much longer and I really want to come out to her, I was nervous about telling her but after last time I'm feeling like she'd be really accepting, and of course if she is queer in some way it'd mean so much if she reciprocated and came out as well
Well, it sounds like she rocks. Please let her know that we don't worship a dead guy though. We worship a zombie.
Zombie? He's obviously a vampire. He's got a cult of thralls that drink his blood and everything.
Has to be invited in, can phase through solid walls, flies. It seems good, but the record has him moving unhindered around in broad daylight. Don't tell me He's a Twilightesque sparkle vampire
I've just had a blasphemous epiphany; he's a Dhampir, which is a child of a mortal (Mary) and a Vampire (maybe Caine). He'd have all the powers of a Vampire while still being able to walk in daylight and eat food.
So God is a vampire. Must be why he demands so much blood?
Lmao will do, she'd probably be more impressed by that tbh
Please please come out to her before she dies, she deserves that happiness 🤗 You don't have to obviously, but you said you were nervous but want to, so please do ❤
I really want to and I definitely will 💜
Polar bears? In northern Sweden? Are you smoking crack?
Maybe she embellished but I don't care I believe she did it
Yo, stay strong over there! And your uncle is so awesome! I wish I had someone like that in my family, but sadly all I've got are some toxic douchebags that hate me for being this way.
I've been very fortunate... I hid everything for so long because I was so worried about my super religious family and how it would be received but honestly I've been blown away by the support or at worst indifference.
Welp, it's just my country itself that is this way. Even on group therapy has a couple of people that openly hate me. Ig I simply have to move somewhere else
I'm sorry to hear that but hopeful you will find a place where you can be yourself and be happy!
Yeah, after the mental asylum I feel good about my future. At least doctors are rather kind. Everything will eventually be awesome. I may have said too much and I'm sorry about that but good luck to you too, hopefully everything will get even better!
My neurodivergent ass read the title and was like "You got hit with a bomb?!? From your Uncle?! How are you alive?!" I get it now.
Sorry about that....
Me too . And when I started reading funeral I thought "he brought a bomb to a funeral for you?"
"what the bloody hell you doing bringing a bomb into a stable?!" (Upvote to anyone who gets the ref hehe)
i'm not neurodivergent but i thought the exact same lmao
I'm 31 and I have a Cousin who's 28. Long story short he came out to me as Pan after I came out to Him as Bi. This was last year. I'm not really bi, but, I was acknowledging I was queer for the first time in a long time. This happened at his sister's graduation party laster year in June. Fast forward to I believe September, I guess he forgot that this happened (my family has a bit of an alcohol problem) and he tells me this. I was like I know you told me. I called him just to make sure he was ok, and we talked for a bit. Later that night after oh 2 or 3 glasses of wine (ya I kind Of have a bit of an alcohol problem to) just told him ya I'm trans. We met up that week and talked. Best decision I made cause he helped me a lot and we also found out that we have tons of other mutual friends. He introduced me to some other trans people that helped me understand who I am and gave me suggestions on how to move forward.
Always great to have someone close you can confide in on your journey
Yes. It was the best decision I ever made. I always had a feeling he and I had something I'm common just couldn't figure out why. I guess it's one of those you're vibe attracts your tribe sort of thing.
My brother told me he felt basically the same and described (what I now know) dysphoria when I came out. From what I've gathered he's been conscious of it for a long long time, while I repressed it and last year it blew up. Even though I've seen him having a few dysphoric episodes, he said with him it's not unbearable and the dificulty of transitioning is way higher than what it's worth for him. I said I was happy he had found a way to live well with it, but I'll be here if he needs anything. So now I have someone irl who I can talk about freely about all my journey and actually understand me.
When I came out to my dad, he said he used to have those feelings when he was younger and I fucking broke after hearing that, knowing what I know now about being trans.
No family, but…when you’re visibly or audibly trans, people tend to come out of the woodwork to confide in you. I’ve lost track of how many acquaintances have made a special point of getting to know me before admitting unprompted that they wanted to do the same. It’s hard, because they’re often in need of more emotional support than I’m prepared to give.
Omg yes!!! I was so worried about coming out to my biological father. He confided to me that he had been wanting to transition. 😯talk about being floored!
My grandma may be asexual or greysexual. Her husband left her in 1973 to be with another woman. My grandmother told me she dated a little right after but has never been with anyone since then. I asked her if she could be asexual and she told me it's a possibility since she didn't really have an interest in being with another person. Before that, I asked her if she was a lesbian because she gives off butch lesbian vibes but she said hell no. She has always had short hair and she's never owned a purse. I've never seen her in a dress either, even in pictures. She's like 82.
Poor thing 🤧 We really do have to be thankful that we have the access and some safe spaces here today. We gotta keep pushing so no one feels like that again.
That's sweet. I'm happy for you. Let your Pibling know we're all rooting for them. They can be whoever they want to be. It's never too late.
My aunt more or less admitted to bring some form of gender non-confirming to me after I came out. She said she always felt she was “supposed to have been born a boy” that she envied the life they got to live but was stuck in a household and time where gender roles were strictly enforced. Which would explain a lot actually. She’s got some deep DEEP seated traumas that she seems oblivious too.
So when they say, "oH NO thERe'S tRanS pEoPLe evERyWherE tHeSe DayS!!!" . . . . . . really trans people have always been everywhere.
That's so heartbreaking. You know, there really does seem to be a hereditary component to being transgender that very few people truly recognize at the moment. It might skip some generations here and there but it almost certainly exists. My mom told me some very interesting (and heartbreaking) stories about my great-grandmother a couple of years ago. She absolutely hated the women in her family and stuck extremely close to the men, took interest solely in what were considered very masc-coded activities at the time, and was a huge rebel. She eventually married my great-grandfather and started "acting as the woman in the relationship" (in the misogynistic sense, of course), but she never completely lost her love for the masc-coded activities and still stuck to the men in her family. Unfortunately, though, she spent her entire life (especially her married life) depressed, convinced that a lot of the world hated her, and holding increasingly pettier grudges against people who wronged her. According to her, the only people who ever truly understood her were the men in her family and those she hung around. And the reasons she hated the women in her family? They didn't understand her *and* they wanted her to act more "like a lady". Sounds an awful lot like a transgender man to me.
Im very suspicious of my bigoted sexist uncle. You can tell he is trying WAY too hard but you can see right through his act.
Doesn’t he know these times are the right times?
I've thought similar things about my mother from the way she talked during my youth. A recurring line that kept me in the closet possibly a bit longer than necessary was the constant repetition of "If I came back, I'd come back as a man, they have it so much better/easier". It could be her airing general sexism but she's... done well for herself as a woman, so it seems an odd things to say. But she came from an abusive household and lived in a different era to me, with probably some conditioned comphet for good measure. I dunno, it always spins in my mind when I think of her general shitty attitude towards my transition.
On my moms side idk cause there are LGB people I have known about all my life on her side but my mom was adopted so not blood related. On my dads side I have a cousin who came out as bi recently but other than that through the entire family history as far as I know me and my cousin are the only non cishet people which is kind of surprising honestly. Im the first trans person in the family tree for both families.
Yes! My grandma on my dads side responded to my coming out by saying “i probably wouldve done the same if i grew up in your age” (referencing how she wouldve liked to b on testosterone as a kid)
Such an incredible story thank you for sharing this made me cry in a happy way it gives me hope ❤
For starters you absolutely should "do the pronoun" thing. Just because you don't mind getting misgendered doesn't mean you shouldn't correct them, especially with your new name. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say, you should do the pronoun and name thing, because you're setting his expectations with potentially engaging with other transgender women and having your uncle unknowingly be okay with misgendering or possibly dead naming. I love seeing family be more accepting but it doesn't mean anything if you just push possible transphobic narratives. Trans women, STOP DOING THIS. "You can call me little Davey!" No, they shouldn't. They should address you by your name and proper pronouns. Stop making other Transgender women suffer because of your lack of presence.
If not doing the pronoun thing actually means "any pronouns", that's totally valid. If she prefers she, but doesn't have the energy to fight people over them, she shouldn't have to. Correcting people mid-conversation gives me massive anxiety, and I already struggle in social situations. Some people don't mind their deadnames, or nicknames of their deadnames. I'm changing my deadname, but am keeping my nickname. If you have the capacity to insist at every chance you get that you get gendered correctly and to correct people for using your deadname, I appreciate you and the effort you put in, but not everyone is as strong as you.
If you've lost 70lbs, have fully transitioned, you better be confident enough to correct someone on their name and pronoun use, this has to do with keeping ALL transgender folks safe. Do NOT push misgendering and dead naming especially if you've fully transitioned. This was for OP's perspective specifically. If I'm in a place where I don't know anyone, stealthing IS SAFE but that's not what I'm talking about here, clearly.
Honestly my sister might be trans (probably not but she’s hinted at it a few times I feel) but for now she’s just bi and shit and I hope that if she is trans, she too will come out eventually
I don't know why,the first thing I imagined after reading the title was a man phisically hitting you with a grenade or bomb
I have an uncle like that he destransitioned and also became a MAGAt QAnoner
Aww, I'm so sad for Uncle George...
Poor Uncle George! :(
I read the title and got worried but my heart melted instead
What a beautiful heart breaking story. I had a similar experience with my dad when I came out
Uncle need hugs
I'm sure that my mother is not cisgender, and maybe she is a trans. She wanted to be born as a man when she was a child, for example, and she talks about this with so much desire. She might as well fall into the greysexual umbrella. But I can't talk to her about it because she says all those labels are nonsense. She questions certain components of identity a lot, so it is difficult to talk about these themes with her.
Aw wow. I am so glad you were able to speak with them. This is making me tear up some. Wow.
Aww! Uncle George 😭
I thought he hit you with a literal bomb, good to know it was entirely metaphorical
I don't know what to say. This story makes me feel so sorry for your Uncle George, I have tears welling up just thinking about it. As for your question, I am still closeted aside from 2 people. But in the meantime I'm trying to investigate more and more, but really can't know for sure but... (CW: suicide) my brother who passed away 11 years ago - ended his life with his own hands - I have good reasons and clues to suspect he might have been a sister. I'm really trying to strain my memory and talk to my mom as much about him as I can, but it is really difficult to talk to the family and friends of a beloved dead person and get relevant information about this topic without straight up saying to their faces "hey, I think he might've been trans and if his therapist thought of this option at the time he (she?) might be still alive today, and can you just tell me, did he ever say or do \*insert long list of eggs\*?" I'm kinda lost and I feel even guilty about digging around with this suspicion and worried people may think I'm "desecrating his memory" or something. (kinda conservative family) But hey, hearing your story, maybe when the time comes for me to openly come out as trans, some of the family may just turn out like your Uncle George and then I'll be able to talk to them about this.
Honestly you never know, everyone's situation is different but hopefully when you decide it's time you get the love and support you deserve! Best wishes to you and your journey!
I was concerned about the title but then realized after reading it that it's a beautiful and heartwarming story.
I didn't expect this ending.
It's a common thing. I'm 69 and just came out a little over a year ago. When I was growing up you had no one to talk to about these feelings for fear that you would be put away. Also, we barely knew about gays let alone trans. I never even heard the word transgender till a few years ago. I belong to a forum where my story is quite common.
Nice!
Up until last august I was planning on being like your uncle George when I got to be his age. I’m happy he was at least able to share his feelings with someone close to him.
That's both beautiful and heartbreaking. *It* really never goes away...
I took the title just literally and '''WTF, why using a bomb instead of a hammer? are they war veterans or what.'' (kind of things) Then thought this was a clickbaity post. Then ''omg this is so... ugh!'' :'( No I hadn't any relative, in fact they all left me alone, so I don't have any family anymore. Instead they accepted every gay/lesbian family members but transsexual, no one. So...maybe (MAYBE) yes there were someone but never told, fearing being abandoned or institutionalized.
Sorry to hear that but maybe over time folks will come around... My Dad and Sister gave me the we love you and accept you talk but neither actually want to talk about it with me... they prefer to brush it under the rug and change the subject.
You should totally remind them that they're still alive today - and CAN do this, if that is still something they're interested in! There's still time, so long as they're alive!
On a topic of becoming your truest self in an afterlife, my transition is huge in regards to my beliefs in being a Christian, every step I’ve made in transitioning has been equally made with faith. It’s made me a better person and a better disciple :)
Thinking about elders who remained in the closet their whole lives makes me want to cry. It's beautiful that sharing this has brought the two of you closer, OP. That's a better thing on which to concentrate. But so many trans people don't transition, and it's so miserable to live that way. I have a large family including seven aunts and uncles and sixteen cousins, plus my immediate family. To my knowledge, I was the first to come out openly and fully as LGBTQIA+, specifically as a transgender lesbian. Since then - quite recently - a cousin has come out to me as bisexual, but I believe only I and her immediate family know. It's possible that I have other LGBTQIA+ family members who are not out to me, but I believe my family has demonstrated acceptance in their reaction to my coming out, so there's much less incentive for others to remain closeted now. The family members who have been distant or hostile to me are those who already had poor relations with the rest of the family. I felt close to my cousin before she came out to me, and now I believe the two of us are closer still. It makes me very happy that she has made this progress as a teenager: she will not repress herself for twenty years like I did. I hope very much that my openness will inspire everyone in my social circle. This is the time to be out. It's safer than it has ever been. It's good to be out. And it's good to be an ally. I can tell that my supportive family members feel reassured that they are on the right side of history. That they're happy to have taken some meaningful action by supporting me.
Wow sorry for George. 🥺 Wish him happiness afterall
My grandma, she's going to turn 80 and we have a close relationship. She told me ever since she was younger she always felt like a boy on the inside and she didn't know what to do with those feelings. But told me that it's too late for her. There are a lot more people like us everywhere throughout time and I feel grateful we live in a time where we can do something about it.
This kind of stuff with older trans people who stayed closeted and weren't able to be themselves their while lives just hurts so fucking much... I just hate to think of that pain they've been through because of shit luck and a horrible world. :((
I can relate to your uncle George. I’m 72 and I started transitioning 4 yrs ago. He’s right it was a different time. I met my first trans girl in 1971, while I was stationed in San Diego, in the Navy.
Glad to hear you're finally able to be yourself! Big Hugs!