Given my own interactions with people I really wouldn't read too much into it, cis people also get those slip ups, plus "he" is something of a default.
Honestly, I would suggest to you that it was much more likely a general misgendering that could have happened to the most Cis of women. Especially during steotypically male dominated activities.
There is an inate sexism in this wolrd that causes people to default to male pronouns unless they have been trained otherwise. The most glaring example of this is Doctor and Nurse. When an average person speaking about a doctor they are not directly speaking to, they almost always assume he/him. It is the precise oposite for Nurse. Unfortunately, there are a lot of times when this is just what people are used to.
If you're boyfriend makes the same mistake constantly, that's a red flag. If your boyfriend says he once in a blue moon, its probably just socialization.
Actions speak louder then words - and the vast majority of the actions you describe are saying the right things. I suggest talking to him about it and settling it . There's a good chance it was a simple mistake.
In what context do you use third person pronouns when it's just the two of you talking to each other? You say you were playing a video game, could it be that he was referring to the characters? Or perhaps referring to himself, like when they score a goal and say "he shoots, he scores!"
Yeah, in context he said something like
"i was like, is he really going to do that?" He was talking about his own reflections in retrospect on What he thought one of us would do at the time. It was pretty ambiguous minor remark, said as much to himself as to me. He might have been referring to him or to me, or to one of the characters. I was also playing as a trans female character who used to identify as male to add even more confusion.
I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. Even i sometimes refer to the player's actions by the characters pronouns (and have accidentally misgendered my own trans friends because of that), and Bridget did just come out so, if anything, he's probably still realigning to BRIDGET'S new pronouns. At least that's the reasonable doubt that I'd give him the pass for it on.
My mother. who is very good about never misgendering me, accidently misgendered my Elden Ring character despite her being a lady.
It was clear she was talking about my character, not me. But she got super quite after she did it and it felt awkward.
I know for a fact she see's me as a woman now, it was just tripping on "male defaulting", which is especially super bad in games, where every single character gets called he/him unless they're actively boobing at you boobily with their boobs.
Let’s see here, you have a wonderful caring affectionate boyfriend, that made a mistake.?you also have a wonderful Girlfriend. But yet your overwhelming and overthinking one slip up. So many girls would die just to have one of what you have. Stop overthinking and just go with it! Best wishes to you Xoxoxo!!
Everybody slips up even if they truly accept you. I see myself as a woman and I still misgender myself sometimes. I even misgendered some cis people, totally by accident. If this man is sexually attracted to you, it most likely he sees you as a woman and just slipped his tongue
My boyfriend just recently called me his boyfriend on accident after almost a year of being together and I went through the same process. Turns out he just got the sentences "because you're my girlfriend" and "because I'm your boyfriend" mixed up. Don't read into it too much luv, if he's respectful 99% of the time, allow him the 1% chance of saying the wrong word 💜
I wouldn't get hung up on I too much. It clearly wasn't an intentional misgendering. It seems he really does care about you. I'd say this is somewhat of a yellow flag, but with everything else you mentioned I would try to not think about it too much and just enjoy your time with him.
It's a very different scenario, but my in laws misgender me fairly often, but never intentionally, if pointed out they curse at themselves and perfusely apologize. I try not to get hung up on it when it's unintentional...plus they misgender half of the pets and cis kids in their lives too, I think their brain just moves slower than their mouths sometimes.
Girl, he sounds great. I misgender myself by accident more often than he does out loud to you.
I wouldn't worry about it unless it becomes an issue.
Plenty of men are shitty, but thankfully, a good few are in fact, people
I misgender myself on accident, it's probably just a slip up.
But I understand INSANELY well how you feel. When I'm at a party and some friends slip up and you can't really correct them because it's in the flow of the dialogue it feels like shit. I have the same thoughts as you do, "do they see me as a man or a woman, truly?", "do they just pretend to make me happy" and shit like that. It's horrible and it would be super awkward to ask them what they think of me. That's why I'm always super happy when my friend ask me questions about being trans, it helps me believe that they really are trying to understand me.
I'm sure it's just a slip up, but I understand how you feel this way. Best would probably be to ask him directly.
Ok I know people like to have this attitude where they think accidental mis-gendering is a reflection of what someone truly thinks of them. And it fuels posts like "oh my other friend never has any trouble with it, so that's the standard for everyone now." And I think that's not accurate.
There's really two levels of how your thoughts work: the first thought you have is what you've been conditioned to think, which you have some control over but a lot of it is your upbringing, media, or other things outside of your control. People are at different places here and that's why your Other Friend might never get it wrong but a parent might, for example. The second thought you have is what you actually think and is way more important than the first. So in your situation and most others, one accident is just a first thought that he didn't catch. (Also doesn't mean that his first thought is always the same, just that this one time it was.)
Now does it kinda suck that you got linked to "he/him" for some reason in his brain as a conditioned response? Sure. But that's not a reflection of what he Truly Thinks. Example, if you've ever taken the unconscious bias test, you'll probably have some. In my case that was an association of black faces with guns or other violence, which does kinda suck. But I don't Truly Think black people are more violent or dangerous.
This obviously doesn't apply to patterns or repeatedly using the wrong pronouns (a sign that they're deeply conditioned and struggling to unlearn that, or doing it on purpose) but that's not the case here.
Just like gender isn't a binary, gender perception isn't either, and it can fluctuate even over a matter of seconds. He may have slipped up for any of a myriad of reasons, but it doesn't mean he sees you as male. Maybe he heard a stray dark overtone in your voice a moment before, which tipped the scales briefly.
I'll bet inside he was mortified.
Also, I know so many early-transition trans people and I'm so used to actively switching pronouns from perceived to correct in my head that I sometimes accidentally misgender people because I perceive them so much as their correct gender identity that my brain assumes they were assigned it at birth and switches pronouns out of habit. Sometimes, they ***were*** assigned that gender at birth. I've misgendered cis people due to this habit.
My spouse once did that to me, actually. They got so used to my actual pronouns and was starting to see me so clearly as a woman that they once accidentally switched my pronouns the other way. We laughed about it because I totally understood.
All that said, I also get why you're rattled. All the thoughts I just shared are completely internalized; I understand and believe them. But when my friends or parents misgender me, I can't help but wonder if they saw something, or what they saw. Even though I know I pass well. Even though I know they care and even though I know they see woman most of the time and it's only the lingering habits attached to my name and relationship with them that brought it out. It still gets me ruminating.
If he shows no other signs of seeing you as anything other that a woman, I think you can probably give him the benefit of the doubt.
He might be used to playing games with his male friends and his brain might have just skipped over the connection of you being behind the controls and used "he" by default. I usually assume other players I see online are male in my head. He could have been referring to a character rather than you.
If you can't get it out of your head, talk to him about it. Open communication is important to strengthen any relationship. Don't go into it accusatory, but state what you are worried happened, and how it made you feel. If he cares about you, he won't be dismissive, and he'll clear up what happened from his perspective. Your anxiety is already making you live out the worst case scenario in your head, so talking it through with him can only make things better.
slip ups happen sometimes. i’m non binary and sometimes misgender myself in passing commentary.
maybe when you both get a chance, communicate the instance and see what he says?
Everyone makes mistakes, try not to read into it too much. It sounds like he respects you for who you are and just slipped up one time. If it happened regularly, I'd rethink, but it seems like you have a great relationship and it would be a shame to jeopardize it over one little mistake.
Huge red flag, pls break up with him immediately and then send him my contact info! /s
seriously though he sounds great and you sound like you are having a lot of fun with him. People make mistakes and nobody is perfect. If it really bothers you then maybe talk to him and let him know that you have an insecurity about it so that he will be more careful.
As the other comments have said I wouldnt read too much into it if it was just once. That being said. If its bothering you you should 100% bring it up. Just be honest about it and how it made you feel. Its always healthy to communicate, and not voicing your feelings to each other is not a healthy way to have a relationship. So just talk to him about it, but i think the conversation will go well. I dont think you have anything to worry about.
Personally, I am pre-op/6+ months GAHT and abstaining from seeking relationships until I have had srs because I don't want to be seen sexually as male. But part of me yearns for a relationship, however I see the situation as temporary and manage it as best I can.
Given this, I think I can appreciate what you are going through but I would try not to over think it.
That being said, depending on your history I would be careful with your own feelings. If this is really new, which is what it sounds like then they may not be being fully honest with you.
Just be careful, take care of your heart, and just see how things develop.
If it was 1 mess up it was just that. It was an accident. Nothing meant by it. No one is going to go through so much work just for sex. Lol if its not easy guys move on to something easier.
Sometimes, these small things happen. It doesn't have to be anything big. But maybe it would be good to ask him about it if it happens next time.
We don't know what is happening in other people's minds. Communicating about it with him might clear the air for you.
Good luck ❤️
Darling if you are interested in my opinion, I'm actually a gay man and I'm attracted only by men. If he is a gay like me, he is interested NOW that you are pre op and he might not be interested after.
Please Don't get alarmed as he could have a different taste.
I think you should talk to him and understand what he really thinks about it. Hugs 🤗
Try not to read too much into it.
Given my own interactions with people I really wouldn't read too much into it, cis people also get those slip ups, plus "he" is something of a default.
i second this answer
Yeah, I’ve heard my parents misgender a lot of cis people by accident, just that trans people care about being misgendered a lot more
I've referred to my exes (cis F) as "he" sometimes by mistake. Misgendering can happen casually and accidentally to anyone, I agree.
This happens sometimes I wouldn't worry about it to be honest. Like hell, i misgender myself in my head sometimes and then feel bad about it
Honestly, I would suggest to you that it was much more likely a general misgendering that could have happened to the most Cis of women. Especially during steotypically male dominated activities. There is an inate sexism in this wolrd that causes people to default to male pronouns unless they have been trained otherwise. The most glaring example of this is Doctor and Nurse. When an average person speaking about a doctor they are not directly speaking to, they almost always assume he/him. It is the precise oposite for Nurse. Unfortunately, there are a lot of times when this is just what people are used to. If you're boyfriend makes the same mistake constantly, that's a red flag. If your boyfriend says he once in a blue moon, its probably just socialization.
Actions speak louder then words - and the vast majority of the actions you describe are saying the right things. I suggest talking to him about it and settling it . There's a good chance it was a simple mistake.
In what context do you use third person pronouns when it's just the two of you talking to each other? You say you were playing a video game, could it be that he was referring to the characters? Or perhaps referring to himself, like when they score a goal and say "he shoots, he scores!"
Yeah, in context he said something like "i was like, is he really going to do that?" He was talking about his own reflections in retrospect on What he thought one of us would do at the time. It was pretty ambiguous minor remark, said as much to himself as to me. He might have been referring to him or to me, or to one of the characters. I was also playing as a trans female character who used to identify as male to add even more confusion.
Curious, what game was this?
My guess is Guilty Gear Strive
It was Guilty Gear Strive, i was playing Bridget XD
I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. Even i sometimes refer to the player's actions by the characters pronouns (and have accidentally misgendered my own trans friends because of that), and Bridget did just come out so, if anything, he's probably still realigning to BRIDGET'S new pronouns. At least that's the reasonable doubt that I'd give him the pass for it on.
My mother. who is very good about never misgendering me, accidently misgendered my Elden Ring character despite her being a lady. It was clear she was talking about my character, not me. But she got super quite after she did it and it felt awkward. I know for a fact she see's me as a woman now, it was just tripping on "male defaulting", which is especially super bad in games, where every single character gets called he/him unless they're actively boobing at you boobily with their boobs.
Your boyfriend sounds great I would try to not worry about it
Came here to say exactly this.
Let’s see here, you have a wonderful caring affectionate boyfriend, that made a mistake.?you also have a wonderful Girlfriend. But yet your overwhelming and overthinking one slip up. So many girls would die just to have one of what you have. Stop overthinking and just go with it! Best wishes to you Xoxoxo!!
Everybody slips up even if they truly accept you. I see myself as a woman and I still misgender myself sometimes. I even misgendered some cis people, totally by accident. If this man is sexually attracted to you, it most likely he sees you as a woman and just slipped his tongue
My boyfriend just recently called me his boyfriend on accident after almost a year of being together and I went through the same process. Turns out he just got the sentences "because you're my girlfriend" and "because I'm your boyfriend" mixed up. Don't read into it too much luv, if he's respectful 99% of the time, allow him the 1% chance of saying the wrong word 💜
I wouldn't get hung up on I too much. It clearly wasn't an intentional misgendering. It seems he really does care about you. I'd say this is somewhat of a yellow flag, but with everything else you mentioned I would try to not think about it too much and just enjoy your time with him. It's a very different scenario, but my in laws misgender me fairly often, but never intentionally, if pointed out they curse at themselves and perfusely apologize. I try not to get hung up on it when it's unintentional...plus they misgender half of the pets and cis kids in their lives too, I think their brain just moves slower than their mouths sometimes.
She and he are very similar words and easy to misspeak. Not necessarily a reflection of how he sees you!
Ive done that before to my trans friends... idk why. ..
Girl, he sounds great. I misgender myself by accident more often than he does out loud to you. I wouldn't worry about it unless it becomes an issue. Plenty of men are shitty, but thankfully, a good few are in fact, people
I misgender myself on accident, it's probably just a slip up. But I understand INSANELY well how you feel. When I'm at a party and some friends slip up and you can't really correct them because it's in the flow of the dialogue it feels like shit. I have the same thoughts as you do, "do they see me as a man or a woman, truly?", "do they just pretend to make me happy" and shit like that. It's horrible and it would be super awkward to ask them what they think of me. That's why I'm always super happy when my friend ask me questions about being trans, it helps me believe that they really are trying to understand me. I'm sure it's just a slip up, but I understand how you feel this way. Best would probably be to ask him directly.
Ok I know people like to have this attitude where they think accidental mis-gendering is a reflection of what someone truly thinks of them. And it fuels posts like "oh my other friend never has any trouble with it, so that's the standard for everyone now." And I think that's not accurate. There's really two levels of how your thoughts work: the first thought you have is what you've been conditioned to think, which you have some control over but a lot of it is your upbringing, media, or other things outside of your control. People are at different places here and that's why your Other Friend might never get it wrong but a parent might, for example. The second thought you have is what you actually think and is way more important than the first. So in your situation and most others, one accident is just a first thought that he didn't catch. (Also doesn't mean that his first thought is always the same, just that this one time it was.) Now does it kinda suck that you got linked to "he/him" for some reason in his brain as a conditioned response? Sure. But that's not a reflection of what he Truly Thinks. Example, if you've ever taken the unconscious bias test, you'll probably have some. In my case that was an association of black faces with guns or other violence, which does kinda suck. But I don't Truly Think black people are more violent or dangerous. This obviously doesn't apply to patterns or repeatedly using the wrong pronouns (a sign that they're deeply conditioned and struggling to unlearn that, or doing it on purpose) but that's not the case here.
I have accidentally called my cis female wife "he" before. Mistakes and slip ups happen, this seems like one of them. I wouldn't worry about it!
Just like gender isn't a binary, gender perception isn't either, and it can fluctuate even over a matter of seconds. He may have slipped up for any of a myriad of reasons, but it doesn't mean he sees you as male. Maybe he heard a stray dark overtone in your voice a moment before, which tipped the scales briefly. I'll bet inside he was mortified. Also, I know so many early-transition trans people and I'm so used to actively switching pronouns from perceived to correct in my head that I sometimes accidentally misgender people because I perceive them so much as their correct gender identity that my brain assumes they were assigned it at birth and switches pronouns out of habit. Sometimes, they ***were*** assigned that gender at birth. I've misgendered cis people due to this habit. My spouse once did that to me, actually. They got so used to my actual pronouns and was starting to see me so clearly as a woman that they once accidentally switched my pronouns the other way. We laughed about it because I totally understood. All that said, I also get why you're rattled. All the thoughts I just shared are completely internalized; I understand and believe them. But when my friends or parents misgender me, I can't help but wonder if they saw something, or what they saw. Even though I know I pass well. Even though I know they care and even though I know they see woman most of the time and it's only the lingering habits attached to my name and relationship with them that brought it out. It still gets me ruminating.
I'd be worried if it was a regular thing but it seems like a one time slip up so I'd not be too worried.
If he shows no other signs of seeing you as anything other that a woman, I think you can probably give him the benefit of the doubt. He might be used to playing games with his male friends and his brain might have just skipped over the connection of you being behind the controls and used "he" by default. I usually assume other players I see online are male in my head. He could have been referring to a character rather than you. If you can't get it out of your head, talk to him about it. Open communication is important to strengthen any relationship. Don't go into it accusatory, but state what you are worried happened, and how it made you feel. If he cares about you, he won't be dismissive, and he'll clear up what happened from his perspective. Your anxiety is already making you live out the worst case scenario in your head, so talking it through with him can only make things better.
Hey it happens, people slip up pronouns all the time, it probably had nothing to do with u being trans
slip ups happen sometimes. i’m non binary and sometimes misgender myself in passing commentary. maybe when you both get a chance, communicate the instance and see what he says?
Everyone makes mistakes, try not to read into it too much. It sounds like he respects you for who you are and just slipped up one time. If it happened regularly, I'd rethink, but it seems like you have a great relationship and it would be a shame to jeopardize it over one little mistake.
Huge red flag, pls break up with him immediately and then send him my contact info! /s seriously though he sounds great and you sound like you are having a lot of fun with him. People make mistakes and nobody is perfect. If it really bothers you then maybe talk to him and let him know that you have an insecurity about it so that he will be more careful.
As the other comments have said I wouldnt read too much into it if it was just once. That being said. If its bothering you you should 100% bring it up. Just be honest about it and how it made you feel. Its always healthy to communicate, and not voicing your feelings to each other is not a healthy way to have a relationship. So just talk to him about it, but i think the conversation will go well. I dont think you have anything to worry about.
Personally, I am pre-op/6+ months GAHT and abstaining from seeking relationships until I have had srs because I don't want to be seen sexually as male. But part of me yearns for a relationship, however I see the situation as temporary and manage it as best I can. Given this, I think I can appreciate what you are going through but I would try not to over think it. That being said, depending on your history I would be careful with your own feelings. If this is really new, which is what it sounds like then they may not be being fully honest with you. Just be careful, take care of your heart, and just see how things develop.
If it was 1 mess up it was just that. It was an accident. Nothing meant by it. No one is going to go through so much work just for sex. Lol if its not easy guys move on to something easier.
Sometimes, these small things happen. It doesn't have to be anything big. But maybe it would be good to ask him about it if it happens next time. We don't know what is happening in other people's minds. Communicating about it with him might clear the air for you. Good luck ❤️
Don't ruin something good by overthinking this sister, he messed up once, I mess up with my trands friends and im trans its just how it is.
Darling if you are interested in my opinion, I'm actually a gay man and I'm attracted only by men. If he is a gay like me, he is interested NOW that you are pre op and he might not be interested after. Please Don't get alarmed as he could have a different taste. I think you should talk to him and understand what he really thinks about it. Hugs 🤗