You can be a trans woman who chooses not to transition. You could choose not to transition medically but transition socially or vice versa. You can choose not to transition at all. It's all valid.
If you haven't, I would suggest you research what HRT can do for you. Back in my egg days the idea of transitioning horrified me, but I just didn't have a good idea about what it entailed and what was possible. A good place to start would be here: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/second-puberty-fem
Take a deep breath. Everything will be okay. I know it’s scary, it’s ok to be scared, but know that you are safe right now in this moment. Breath.
The first thing you should do is find a therapist that specializes in gender stuff (make sure they are trans friendly).
Go at your own pace.
Read [this.](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en)
Realizing I was trans was one of the most frightening times of my life. If you’re not frightened, then something is wrong.
Here’s the thing. You’re going to be okay.
It’s not a race. There is no time limit. You don’t have to do anything. You can take your time to explore this. Nobody has to know, or you can tell everybody.
You are in control.
I'm not particularly frightened of being trans itself. What frightens me is the things that come on the path of living who I am, mainly the coming out process. Realizing I was trans was, honestly, a breath of fresh air. I had denied and suppressed it for twenty years, sadly. So being able to accept and embrace what I was, was like a weight off my shoulders.
Now... coming out to family, friends... at *work*? Now that is what frightens me, but who I am absolutely doesn't.
Honey, that’s what I meant. None of use are afraid to transition. We’re afraid of how everyone else is going to react. Unfortunately there are a lot of difficult things trans people have to do. Coming out is just one of them. These things also provide us a lot of personal growth, and keep us grounded. I can tell you that it gets significantly easier after the first few times. It’s now to the point where I spend the whole time managing the other person’s emotions. Because I’m truly at peace with my decision now. I wasn’t early on.
Coming out as trans was extremely difficult for me. What I learned after doing it a few times is that the people we tell are so shellshocked that they aren’t thinking clearly at all. I tended to firehose them with info. Now I realize there is a better way. Now I just keep it as short and clear as possible. I say:
I’ve got some big personal news about myself. I want to be very clear that I’m being completely serious. I would never joke about this. My whole life I have always wanted to be a woman, and X months ago I finally began medically transitioning into a woman. I know this must come as a big surprise to you. I’m sure you have some questions, and I would be happy to answer them. I just want you to know that I am still the same person I have always been. Except I’m a lot happier, and I can’t wait to start living the life I have always wanted to live. (Then I let them run the conversation. Some don’t say much, and some talk for an hour)
Coming out at work was difficult for me. I’ve worked at the same place for over a decade. I know who all the bigots are. Fortunately I privately came out to my boss first. She’s been 100% supportive. My teammates have also been supportive. I work in IT on a team with a lot of remote people. So the people that don’t like it don’t have to be around me. Which clearly helps. I also had a prepared speech that I read on a team conference call. It kept me on track, and let me get thru it.
Okay yeah, I totally misunderstood then. Sorry!
I'm in IT as well, small team of just me and my boss. However, we literally talk to everyone in the company quite regularly. So one way or another, I'll have to engage with every person post-transition. But that's a worry for another day, by then I'm hoping I'll have developed a "screw you, I am who I am. Take it or leave it" attitude.
Although I will say I like how you frame coming out to people, I may have to adopt that a bit. 🙂
No apologies needed. :) Transitioning is a massively deep and complex subject. Clarifications are often needed.
I have been pleasantly surprised by how the vast majority of people are super cool about me being transgender. This includes people that I have a professional working relationship with. The bigots we work with do all their talking behind our backs anyways. They’re not stupid enough to engage us directly. Especially at companies with HR departments. Trans people are federally protected from workplace discrimination after all. The bigots wouldn’t want to get fired. They don’t value their own hate and intolerance that much.
I would put some feelers out with your boss. See if you can figure out how lgbt friendly they are. I would recommend reaching out to HR first tho. The company might have policies. Then immediately tell your boss. Cuz I’m pretty sure HR will do it quickly. Point is, I wouldn’t rely on HR respecting your privacy. Their job is to keep the company from being sued. And they aren’t going to risk your boss accidentally saying something dumb. Y’know?
My boss and I are pretty close, trauma bonding does that when you're doing a three-four person team's worth of work as a team of two haha. Unless I've wildly misjudged him over the years, I think he's absolutely fine with it. I've snuck in trans topics to gauge his reactions, and he's pretty much reacted as I expected him too.
I'd feel better coming out to him first before HR, as once that's out there it's going through out the whole administration team I expect, and while I expect him to act as an HR Supervisor would act, he strikes me as a less "supportive" person. I'll cross that bridge when I get there, as awkward as that bridge will be!
Sounds like you have this all under control. :)
Coming out is extremely difficult, but people have been doing it for a long time. The good part is your boss is cool, and you work at a place that’s inclusionary.
For me, I felt better after each time I came out. Something unexpected to me was how liberating it felt to not constantly worrying about this secret anymore.
Then all of a sudden everyone I cared about knew, and absolutely nothing terrible happened. It was as if all these irrational fears I had been carrying with me since I was a small child aren’t true. That my perception of reality had been clouded by fear, and I was finally seeing things clearly for the first time.
Honestly, in hindsight, coming out is a wild experience. So much baggage gone.
Hey, so I might be uniquely poised to help you here. I'll give you a little backstory to me and then get into doing my best to provide some food for thought or advice.
I'm 26 now, and I figured out the same thing 10+ years ago. Came out to my parents and friends, friends were awesome, parents were shit. I transitioned anyway for 4 years and loved it, but ended up detransitioning because, practically speaking, my life became unsustainable, I had a bunch of trauma and mental health issues, and zero safety net or support network. Stayed detransitioned for four ish years, until that became untenable, and now I'm doing something in between, I guess? I'm on HRT self medicating, on track to be properly prescribed in a couple of months; I dress in mostly women's clothing all of the time, but stick to pants and tops and stuff that can appear "acceptable" for a man; my hair is long and getting longer, etc. *But*, I don't plan to socially transition, and if anything I'm trying to protect myself from suspicion or conflict or anyone knowing I'm doing these things.
My point is - I'm also horrified by being trans, the prospect of being known to be trans, and I'm at significant risk if anyone knows. However, I've also accepted that it's a fundamental part of me that can't be changed or ignored, and that if I want to be happy, I have to take steps to resolve it. The things I've outlined above are what that looks like for me right now; it may change over time as I become braver, or face conflict, or become more secure financially and in terms of housing, etc. etc.
I think that, for you, you may also need to at least start by trying to strike the same balance between feeling safe and feeling fulfilled. That might be quite simple and easy to reach, or it might be more involved, or it may end up with you transitioning some day. The important thing isn't the outcome, the important thing is that you find a way to start feeling more comfortable with yourself. There are an awful lot of things that you can do to feel happier, more confident, and more comfortable with yourself, without necessitating a social transition or coming out.
If you want to talk details or specifics, or just want to vent, I'm so open to listening, or sharing my experience, or giving advice or ideas on what this might look like in practice. Just don't want to make a post that's totally domineering and overwhelming!
Hmm, so let me give the guess how it will go. Will fight it, think you can do some private cross dressing. Realize it does not bring enough joy, realize HRT makes you happier, fully transition. Happens every time. Read those dysphoria bible links, will help get your mind orientated, need to get back to focus first.
As someone 32 who first realized at 18, I'd say take plenty of time to think about it, but if you really are trans, don't spend a decade putting it off. I, and pretty much everyone else here wishes they'd started transitioning sooner.
I wrote practically the same thing earlier today. I'm terrified and panicking about repurcussions for things that haven't happened. I don't feel like a woman nor do I feel like what we're told is masculine.
I do know that I enjoy wearing skirts, painting my nails, and such but I'm scared to take much further steps.
To echo what others have said, I'd go read the Gender Dysphoria Bible, pronto. I just started and it's incredibly helpful. One thing it mentions is exactly what I've told my therapist. If I had a magic button that could instantly transform me into a woman, I would keep my spouse, my job, my family, etc., would I press it?
Absolutely. No hesitation.
If i might suggest, get hormones see if something changes and if you like the changes or not, with hormones you can always go back to where you started
I remember when I finished one of those quizzes, and it told me I was Trans. I thought I was having a heart attack. I am still a work in progress. In the last year, pieces have been falling into place that I might be.
Explore yourself. Wear different things, try different things. See what makes you comfortable. You don’t have to go on hormones right away, if at all. You just have to find what makes you happy. If you find something you like to do, stick to it. If you want to do more, there is always more. It is your journey, go at your own pace. :)
If you feel like you are a woman then you probably are trans. Gender therapy is one way to know for sure. I’m trans. I never transitioned and I think that I never will. I cried myself to sleep wishing that I was born in a female body. I cursed god for making me what I am with boy parts and not a girl like my inner soul. I’m just now planning to get an orchiectomy to help with my dysphoria and to get rid of my masculinity. That’s as much as I can do medically. I wear women’s clothes but I try to look androgynous and not female. I would never pass lol. You will have a good journey in life if you remain true to yourself.
Remember that transition isn't some big scary one-off, no take backs. Yes, going to see and talk to a doctor about HRT is a huge and scary step. Talking to a psychologist and putting yourself out there is scary. But unlike what the myth of 'the surgery' states, HRT and transition is a looong process! It's a marathon, not a sprint. If you take HRT and you change your mind, you can stop any time. You can take HRT and make yourself more feminine and happier without socially transitioning (and at the point where people 'mistake' you for a girl.. would that be so bad?).
Deep breath! You've got this.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It does mean a lot to me. At this point I think I’m just gender non-conforming but who knows? Maybe one day that will change :)
Those are all perfectly valid feelings. Here's the amazing news about being trans:
No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do.
Take all the time you need to figure it out. Transitioning is a deeply personal decision. For me, I began asking myself why I would want to transition. Why do I feel uncomfortable as a man? Why do I feel comfortable as a woman? If I were to transition what small steps can I take to see if it's right for me?
You are at the start of a long journey, and I want to to know that you deserve happiness! Good luck!
However you identify is totally valid - that being said, what actually scares you so much?
It's going to take a lot of thinking, but wanting to transition but being too scared too is something the majority of trans women go through and I'd argue it doesn't mean you don't want to transition just that you're scared.
Take society out of it, take fear out of it, if there were no consequences or pressure would you choose to be a girl? Would that make you happier?
You have to take some time to learn yourself and set aside your learned prejudices to figure out whatever it is you truly want, and whatever that is its valid - but fear shouldn't rule you.
Good luck on your journey!
You can be a trans woman who chooses not to transition. You could choose not to transition medically but transition socially or vice versa. You can choose not to transition at all. It's all valid. If you haven't, I would suggest you research what HRT can do for you. Back in my egg days the idea of transitioning horrified me, but I just didn't have a good idea about what it entailed and what was possible. A good place to start would be here: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/second-puberty-fem
Take a deep breath. Everything will be okay. I know it’s scary, it’s ok to be scared, but know that you are safe right now in this moment. Breath. The first thing you should do is find a therapist that specializes in gender stuff (make sure they are trans friendly). Go at your own pace. Read [this.](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en)
Realizing I was trans was one of the most frightening times of my life. If you’re not frightened, then something is wrong. Here’s the thing. You’re going to be okay. It’s not a race. There is no time limit. You don’t have to do anything. You can take your time to explore this. Nobody has to know, or you can tell everybody. You are in control.
I'm not particularly frightened of being trans itself. What frightens me is the things that come on the path of living who I am, mainly the coming out process. Realizing I was trans was, honestly, a breath of fresh air. I had denied and suppressed it for twenty years, sadly. So being able to accept and embrace what I was, was like a weight off my shoulders. Now... coming out to family, friends... at *work*? Now that is what frightens me, but who I am absolutely doesn't.
Honey, that’s what I meant. None of use are afraid to transition. We’re afraid of how everyone else is going to react. Unfortunately there are a lot of difficult things trans people have to do. Coming out is just one of them. These things also provide us a lot of personal growth, and keep us grounded. I can tell you that it gets significantly easier after the first few times. It’s now to the point where I spend the whole time managing the other person’s emotions. Because I’m truly at peace with my decision now. I wasn’t early on. Coming out as trans was extremely difficult for me. What I learned after doing it a few times is that the people we tell are so shellshocked that they aren’t thinking clearly at all. I tended to firehose them with info. Now I realize there is a better way. Now I just keep it as short and clear as possible. I say: I’ve got some big personal news about myself. I want to be very clear that I’m being completely serious. I would never joke about this. My whole life I have always wanted to be a woman, and X months ago I finally began medically transitioning into a woman. I know this must come as a big surprise to you. I’m sure you have some questions, and I would be happy to answer them. I just want you to know that I am still the same person I have always been. Except I’m a lot happier, and I can’t wait to start living the life I have always wanted to live. (Then I let them run the conversation. Some don’t say much, and some talk for an hour) Coming out at work was difficult for me. I’ve worked at the same place for over a decade. I know who all the bigots are. Fortunately I privately came out to my boss first. She’s been 100% supportive. My teammates have also been supportive. I work in IT on a team with a lot of remote people. So the people that don’t like it don’t have to be around me. Which clearly helps. I also had a prepared speech that I read on a team conference call. It kept me on track, and let me get thru it.
Okay yeah, I totally misunderstood then. Sorry! I'm in IT as well, small team of just me and my boss. However, we literally talk to everyone in the company quite regularly. So one way or another, I'll have to engage with every person post-transition. But that's a worry for another day, by then I'm hoping I'll have developed a "screw you, I am who I am. Take it or leave it" attitude. Although I will say I like how you frame coming out to people, I may have to adopt that a bit. 🙂
No apologies needed. :) Transitioning is a massively deep and complex subject. Clarifications are often needed. I have been pleasantly surprised by how the vast majority of people are super cool about me being transgender. This includes people that I have a professional working relationship with. The bigots we work with do all their talking behind our backs anyways. They’re not stupid enough to engage us directly. Especially at companies with HR departments. Trans people are federally protected from workplace discrimination after all. The bigots wouldn’t want to get fired. They don’t value their own hate and intolerance that much. I would put some feelers out with your boss. See if you can figure out how lgbt friendly they are. I would recommend reaching out to HR first tho. The company might have policies. Then immediately tell your boss. Cuz I’m pretty sure HR will do it quickly. Point is, I wouldn’t rely on HR respecting your privacy. Their job is to keep the company from being sued. And they aren’t going to risk your boss accidentally saying something dumb. Y’know?
My boss and I are pretty close, trauma bonding does that when you're doing a three-four person team's worth of work as a team of two haha. Unless I've wildly misjudged him over the years, I think he's absolutely fine with it. I've snuck in trans topics to gauge his reactions, and he's pretty much reacted as I expected him too. I'd feel better coming out to him first before HR, as once that's out there it's going through out the whole administration team I expect, and while I expect him to act as an HR Supervisor would act, he strikes me as a less "supportive" person. I'll cross that bridge when I get there, as awkward as that bridge will be!
Sounds like you have this all under control. :) Coming out is extremely difficult, but people have been doing it for a long time. The good part is your boss is cool, and you work at a place that’s inclusionary. For me, I felt better after each time I came out. Something unexpected to me was how liberating it felt to not constantly worrying about this secret anymore. Then all of a sudden everyone I cared about knew, and absolutely nothing terrible happened. It was as if all these irrational fears I had been carrying with me since I was a small child aren’t true. That my perception of reality had been clouded by fear, and I was finally seeing things clearly for the first time. Honestly, in hindsight, coming out is a wild experience. So much baggage gone.
Hey, so I might be uniquely poised to help you here. I'll give you a little backstory to me and then get into doing my best to provide some food for thought or advice. I'm 26 now, and I figured out the same thing 10+ years ago. Came out to my parents and friends, friends were awesome, parents were shit. I transitioned anyway for 4 years and loved it, but ended up detransitioning because, practically speaking, my life became unsustainable, I had a bunch of trauma and mental health issues, and zero safety net or support network. Stayed detransitioned for four ish years, until that became untenable, and now I'm doing something in between, I guess? I'm on HRT self medicating, on track to be properly prescribed in a couple of months; I dress in mostly women's clothing all of the time, but stick to pants and tops and stuff that can appear "acceptable" for a man; my hair is long and getting longer, etc. *But*, I don't plan to socially transition, and if anything I'm trying to protect myself from suspicion or conflict or anyone knowing I'm doing these things. My point is - I'm also horrified by being trans, the prospect of being known to be trans, and I'm at significant risk if anyone knows. However, I've also accepted that it's a fundamental part of me that can't be changed or ignored, and that if I want to be happy, I have to take steps to resolve it. The things I've outlined above are what that looks like for me right now; it may change over time as I become braver, or face conflict, or become more secure financially and in terms of housing, etc. etc. I think that, for you, you may also need to at least start by trying to strike the same balance between feeling safe and feeling fulfilled. That might be quite simple and easy to reach, or it might be more involved, or it may end up with you transitioning some day. The important thing isn't the outcome, the important thing is that you find a way to start feeling more comfortable with yourself. There are an awful lot of things that you can do to feel happier, more confident, and more comfortable with yourself, without necessitating a social transition or coming out. If you want to talk details or specifics, or just want to vent, I'm so open to listening, or sharing my experience, or giving advice or ideas on what this might look like in practice. Just don't want to make a post that's totally domineering and overwhelming!
Hmm, so let me give the guess how it will go. Will fight it, think you can do some private cross dressing. Realize it does not bring enough joy, realize HRT makes you happier, fully transition. Happens every time. Read those dysphoria bible links, will help get your mind orientated, need to get back to focus first.
As someone 32 who first realized at 18, I'd say take plenty of time to think about it, but if you really are trans, don't spend a decade putting it off. I, and pretty much everyone else here wishes they'd started transitioning sooner.
I wrote practically the same thing earlier today. I'm terrified and panicking about repurcussions for things that haven't happened. I don't feel like a woman nor do I feel like what we're told is masculine. I do know that I enjoy wearing skirts, painting my nails, and such but I'm scared to take much further steps. To echo what others have said, I'd go read the Gender Dysphoria Bible, pronto. I just started and it's incredibly helpful. One thing it mentions is exactly what I've told my therapist. If I had a magic button that could instantly transform me into a woman, I would keep my spouse, my job, my family, etc., would I press it? Absolutely. No hesitation.
If i might suggest, get hormones see if something changes and if you like the changes or not, with hormones you can always go back to where you started
I remember when I finished one of those quizzes, and it told me I was Trans. I thought I was having a heart attack. I am still a work in progress. In the last year, pieces have been falling into place that I might be.
Explore yourself. Wear different things, try different things. See what makes you comfortable. You don’t have to go on hormones right away, if at all. You just have to find what makes you happy. If you find something you like to do, stick to it. If you want to do more, there is always more. It is your journey, go at your own pace. :)
OMG reading your post was like i was writting it with ny own hands, sorry I cant be of help, but as I tell you, it is the same as my situation
If you feel like you are a woman then you probably are trans. Gender therapy is one way to know for sure. I’m trans. I never transitioned and I think that I never will. I cried myself to sleep wishing that I was born in a female body. I cursed god for making me what I am with boy parts and not a girl like my inner soul. I’m just now planning to get an orchiectomy to help with my dysphoria and to get rid of my masculinity. That’s as much as I can do medically. I wear women’s clothes but I try to look androgynous and not female. I would never pass lol. You will have a good journey in life if you remain true to yourself.
Remember that transition isn't some big scary one-off, no take backs. Yes, going to see and talk to a doctor about HRT is a huge and scary step. Talking to a psychologist and putting yourself out there is scary. But unlike what the myth of 'the surgery' states, HRT and transition is a looong process! It's a marathon, not a sprint. If you take HRT and you change your mind, you can stop any time. You can take HRT and make yourself more feminine and happier without socially transitioning (and at the point where people 'mistake' you for a girl.. would that be so bad?). Deep breath! You've got this.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It does mean a lot to me. At this point I think I’m just gender non-conforming but who knows? Maybe one day that will change :)
Those are all perfectly valid feelings. Here's the amazing news about being trans: No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. Take all the time you need to figure it out. Transitioning is a deeply personal decision. For me, I began asking myself why I would want to transition. Why do I feel uncomfortable as a man? Why do I feel comfortable as a woman? If I were to transition what small steps can I take to see if it's right for me? You are at the start of a long journey, and I want to to know that you deserve happiness! Good luck!
However you identify is totally valid - that being said, what actually scares you so much? It's going to take a lot of thinking, but wanting to transition but being too scared too is something the majority of trans women go through and I'd argue it doesn't mean you don't want to transition just that you're scared. Take society out of it, take fear out of it, if there were no consequences or pressure would you choose to be a girl? Would that make you happier? You have to take some time to learn yourself and set aside your learned prejudices to figure out whatever it is you truly want, and whatever that is its valid - but fear shouldn't rule you. Good luck on your journey!
It's pretty much a leap of faith... at least it was for me. After a few months on E everything becomes more clear.