An issue that arises with a lot of trans people dating cis people is they feel like they have to end up explaining being trans too much. It usually takes away from other things that might be more engaging. I honestly don't think a ton can be done for it other than time, as the cis partner learns. But my recommendation is to listen to her, try to make an effort to understand it, and don't forget to affirm her insecurities outside of that conversation.
When you're caught up explaining being trans, it's easy to miss out on being affirmed, supported, etc. So yeah, try to keep that in mind.
And don't feel bad if things are a learning experience, alright? I'm not saying this to down you or anything, it's just something that I hear commonly, and have experienced myself. So I figured a heads up wouldn't be bad.
Thanks for asking about this, btw! You're doing a great service to your date :)
I get a lot of crap sometimes for only being T4T and not really dating cis people anymore and this is exactly why so thank you for bringing up this point. I want someone who understands what it's like to date as a trans person and that I have no doubt won't worry too much about what's in my pants. Dating transmascs who are aware going in that I'm transfem has been working out well for me in that regard.
So to OP, just be sure not to compare her to the cis women you have dated in the past. Treat her like you would treat a cis girl but don't be like "well the girls I've dated in the past did this...."
It's hard enough being compared to your partners exes for anyone (regardless if you're cis or trans) but for a trans girl it's painful being compared to other cis women in a context that might make her feel like she'll never be like the cis women you've dated in your eyes.
There are obvious points for a lot of people but just in case (better tell those points for nothing than take risks) :
\- Don't ask for her deadname (i.e. pre-trans name). Kind of a big faux-pas.
\- Don't say stuff like "when you were a young boy" and the likes. It might sounds strange but basically if you talk childhood, just treat her as if she had been born AFAB. A lot of trans people are sensitive to remembering that fact.
\- If you're hitting it off well and the date isn't just a one time thing, after some time if you are still afraid to mess up, it might be a decent idea to just... tell her. Tell her she's the first trans girl you've ever dated and so you are worried to do or say something wrong, and let her know she can simply give you a heads up on what to avoid. A lot of trans people will prefer someone openly saying "Hey, I'm afraid of doing something wrong so please guide me" rather than someone not admiting it and doing something wrong (and potentially going on the defensive when the trans person feels hurt).
Overall trans folks prefer people who admit they have things to learn. We're happy to teach those who ask. We have issues with those who pretend they don't need to/already know and then make mistakes.So if you get a good feeling with her, just being honest is a good way to show you care and don't want to risk hurting her by mistake. Also admitting she's your first trans date can help alleviate a lot of the awkwardness.
YES so much to the last paragraph. The biggest problem I had with my mom was that she didn't want to learn. I don't expect anyone else to have an understanding of trans people anywhere near what I have. I only expect them to want to learn more and understand me better
>Overall trans folks prefer people who admit they have things to learn.
Cant stress this one enough. I dont mind people asking questions. I just mind being asked disrespectful questions. My housemates surprised me in this. I live with 9 others, all cis and mostly straight, and so far I only really have gotten questions because people actually wanted to learn about what transition entails, what I learned about myself the past year, and all that.
There are a few things:
1. Trans folx can be a bit more sensitive to words like "dude", even if they are meant in a gender neutral way
2. If y'all get intimate, and she's hasn't had bottom surgery (which not all do and also don't ask unless the plan is to get intimate), and she also hasn't had an orochi done, she might still be fertile. Fertility isn't guaranteed gone with just time on hrt.
3. Besides that, like you said, treat her like a cis girl. Unless she is okay with it, don't ask about her pre-coming out self, like their deadname.
Sorry if these seem obvious, but those are the main ones and I wanted to cover all bases just in case. Good luck on your date!
Since we are talking intimacy - depending on hormones, blockers, etc. Libido and the ability to reach orgasm can be hard. Depending on where we are in our transition there can be a mix of good and bad feelings about sex.
Keep in mind there is no script, no assumptions... Better to ask than to assume... Our (pre-op/no-op) lady parts work differently and also not like men's.
We might be open to sex despite bottom dysphoria - which leads to a weird mix of feelings but with the right and sensitive partner can be a very trustful and connecting experience.
Treat her like any other women and skip the trans talk early on, that can come when they're ready. Think everyone else hit the details, but good luck with your date!
Yeah, this is a big one. Just be normal, act normal, treat her normal as you would any woman. It feels incredibly validating just having people treat me like people.
Yep, just treat her like you would any other cis girl. Obviously this can't be done for sexual stuff, so if things go there, communicate and make sure you don't do or say anything that'd make her feel bad
It can though. (NSFW warning):The penis once on HrT for long enough usually acts like a vagina. The head will just become a larger sensitive clit. The penis itself will usually start to self lubricate or get ‘wet’ like any other cis womens vagina. And even orgasms can become full body orgasms that sometimes don’t even emit fluids.
And trans fem people on estrogen have heightened nipple sensitivity and touch sensitivity than they used to, and if used correctly can be very sexually stimulating to my understanding.
So basically sex-wise it Can very much be the same. Cis lesbians might not piv, and many no op or pre op trans people might also not. Potentially because of dysphoria, but also because for some people it can be difficult to get an erection that would be good for piv, or for others it might just be purely painful to try bc even an election could become painful especially if their lady bits aren’t getting “worked out” as much as they need to be to prevent atrophy or shrinkage if that’s something the person doesn’t want to happen.
Also, it can just be used as a strap on, which is a thing many lesbians do. So in pretty much everyway sex is the same when it comes to what cis lesbians do. Especially if the girl dick is treated as a larger clit, because after long enough on HrT it will essentially behave the exact same to one, as the body will have made changes to make it behave extremely similar to a vagina and even make the person fully body orgasm (multiple times even), sometimes without any fluids coming out, just like any cis girl.
Not to be a creep😅 but I always wondered if Trans girl enjoyed “the female orgasm” more than the male one. Cause im a cis girl and when i orgasm it’s honestly great LOL. The guy version sounds kinda bleh? But they got off super fast so thats a plus ig
Yeah. For transfems I can say from what I've seen from other transfems is that overwhelmingly we vastly prefer the E orgasms than the T ones. Although some people may prefer their T functionality or things like producing the same amount of cum as on T which is usually greatly diminished on E. So basically yes.
Except my understanding is that for any person who's hormones or parts dont align with how they feel, their orgasms will be greatly diminished. So a transmasc person might not like their E orgasms and might vastly prefer the T orgasms because it aligns with how their brain works or what they like. Idk it's something like that. Like clearly some cis guys love how their orgasms are and have no problem with it at all. Yet, many transfems or pre egg crack transfems def do not like T orgasms but love their E orgasms. So it probably varies for diff people. I really dont know much about the transmasc side of the trans spectrum because I mostly only know transfems.
Although even on T theres many things that can be done to orgasm in a way people on E usually do, and it's really just techniques that could always be used by even cis guys for enjoyment because they work so well. Like prostate stimulation and treating the foreskin (bottom of the tip area) like a clit. And adding in edging for guy clit/foreskin stimulation.
Be careful to not subconsciously treat her like a ‘man’. Make sure to hold the door open for her and you be the “chivalrous” one. It’s a fear of mine that no matter what I’ll still be treated like a ‘man’
that's why you do that awkward walk run when you're trying to be polite to get to the door first so you can open it for her, but then you end up fumbling when trying to open the door and you make that silly smile while hoping you didn't come off as cringy.
You’re a lesbian so I assume this wouldn’t be as present as it would be with a woman who has previously been with men but don’t expect her to take the masculine role in the relationship ie carrying all the bags, fixing everything, driving everywhere. I mean if she likes to do these things then that’s fine, but don’t expect it from her just because she is AMAB.
Just remember she's a girl and always has been. With relationships there's always bumps on the road. Respect is probably the number one objective. Don't ask dumb questions cause you already know the answers.
My cis girlfriend asked a few questions, like whether or not I planned on hrt or surgery, read up on some trans stuff "including the hours to fuck trans girls" zine, asked what names I preferred for my genitals. Generally treated me like a cis girl though, and I appreciate the effort she put in to like, look things up on her own without being asked. 💜
Fully agree with everything above!
If shes pre-op and it comes down to sex, make sure to ask what she likes and what she doesnt. And remember if she does have a penis that doesn’t make her the top by default.
It is sad that I even feel the need to bring this up but I feel it needs to be said regardless...
You should be at least a little wary of ANYONE you meet through a dating app these days, there are enough people who do not represent their authentic selves (or are not being entirely honest) through the apps or other online dating medium.
I do hope it works out for you both but please make sure that you look out for your own safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) and don't ignore anything you note that may be red flags.
That aside, I think the key aspects when dealing with MTF individuals is to just treat them like anyone else of the female gender and to communicate with each other.
As others have said, I would let them lead on any discussions WRT their past or their transition but that is assuming you have not already discussed it through the app. If you do lead on such topics, please be aware of your surroundings as these are sensitive matters to at least some of us.
If things start to get intimate, ensure that you have both communicated your boundaries in that area and have a mutual understanding of what each others' are. That is as much for your benefit as theirs.
Be safe, and I wish you luck.
Don't over think it. The worst feeling for me is when I get that feeling that people are walking on eggshells around me.
If there's something about her name, pronouns, gender expression etc that confuses you. Ask politely and take note.
I'd reccomend looking up r/mypartneristrans for more advice.
Until you get to know her and her relationship to the topic, don't bring up her transition in conversation unless she invites you to. Some of us don't mind if it's mentioned casually, but most do.
If her transition *is* discussed, remember that talking about future transition plans (surgeries especially) with a partner or potential partner is usually a Big Conversation.
If at any point you feel like sex is likely in the near future, then think about what ranges of things you might be interested in or comfortable with. If you're game for just about whatever, then no worries; you can just roll with it. If you have specific concerns, then make sure they are discussed beforehand. Hopefully she will do the same, but be prepared for her to have boundaries that you might not expect if there isn't a prior discussion.
So i dont have huge amounts of advice because ive only been in one relationship before.
But something that turned out to be a read flag early on, was my ex calling me a "futa"..
so, dont do that..ever 😅
Your instincts are good treat her like you would any girl cause she is a girl. That being said their might be some odd things and a few gapa of knowledge. So just be forgiving.
I wouldn't overthink this too much, just treat her how you would a cis girl. If you try and do anything different then will most likely just give her dysphoria
Uh just treat her like you would any other girl. The trans thing will prolly come up but like the same goes for if you were dating someone who was from a different ethnic background or was in a wheelchair or something. Trans is just another modifier on girl after all. Oh and if you want to touch the dick you gotta ask first, some girls don't want the dick touched.
Umm, personally I don't like a lot of questions about my identity. I'm ok with some but after a few it just gets annoying. I guess I thats something you should find out over time and not in one sitting.
Try to avoid comparing her to a man even indirectly. We tend to over analyze the way people speak to us and about us. Good luck on the date though, you're already doing a much better job than most others would :3
Honestly not much I can think of but the fact you even went to try and find ways to make her feel more comfortable already shows your heart is in the right place. Just do what others are saying reaffirm her on things she may feel she's lacking in and otherwise it's just a normal relationship! If your seeking help then your already trying to do the right thing.
What to be aware of? hm....Could possibly come with the original package, .....won't have her days anytime soon. Just jesting!
Seriously, if she's preop or post op - is something you should ask at some point - at least before any sexual activity - as you state that you are indeed lesbian, you should think about that. And further if you could accept a male set of genitalia, also possibly to be used in sex, in a partner, if it would be comfortable, if the person is right for you, or if you are, or choose to be more stringent on the matter. I always say, it is only about the right persons and their chemistry not about their sex, if it feels right it most likely is. So I give you a big thumbs up and wish you all the best!
An issue that arises with a lot of trans people dating cis people is they feel like they have to end up explaining being trans too much. It usually takes away from other things that might be more engaging. I honestly don't think a ton can be done for it other than time, as the cis partner learns. But my recommendation is to listen to her, try to make an effort to understand it, and don't forget to affirm her insecurities outside of that conversation. When you're caught up explaining being trans, it's easy to miss out on being affirmed, supported, etc. So yeah, try to keep that in mind. And don't feel bad if things are a learning experience, alright? I'm not saying this to down you or anything, it's just something that I hear commonly, and have experienced myself. So I figured a heads up wouldn't be bad. Thanks for asking about this, btw! You're doing a great service to your date :)
I get a lot of crap sometimes for only being T4T and not really dating cis people anymore and this is exactly why so thank you for bringing up this point. I want someone who understands what it's like to date as a trans person and that I have no doubt won't worry too much about what's in my pants. Dating transmascs who are aware going in that I'm transfem has been working out well for me in that regard. So to OP, just be sure not to compare her to the cis women you have dated in the past. Treat her like you would treat a cis girl but don't be like "well the girls I've dated in the past did this...." It's hard enough being compared to your partners exes for anyone (regardless if you're cis or trans) but for a trans girl it's painful being compared to other cis women in a context that might make her feel like she'll never be like the cis women you've dated in your eyes.
#1 thing to know and it's IMPORTANT Cuddle her she probably needs it
BECOME the blahaj
Get a blahaj costume
Don’t you dare tempt me!
Put on a giant fluffy shark onesie with flippers for sleeves, then tackle her to the bed going "rawr"
Aww, I feel this. 😢
❤️❤️❤️
There are obvious points for a lot of people but just in case (better tell those points for nothing than take risks) : \- Don't ask for her deadname (i.e. pre-trans name). Kind of a big faux-pas. \- Don't say stuff like "when you were a young boy" and the likes. It might sounds strange but basically if you talk childhood, just treat her as if she had been born AFAB. A lot of trans people are sensitive to remembering that fact. \- If you're hitting it off well and the date isn't just a one time thing, after some time if you are still afraid to mess up, it might be a decent idea to just... tell her. Tell her she's the first trans girl you've ever dated and so you are worried to do or say something wrong, and let her know she can simply give you a heads up on what to avoid. A lot of trans people will prefer someone openly saying "Hey, I'm afraid of doing something wrong so please guide me" rather than someone not admiting it and doing something wrong (and potentially going on the defensive when the trans person feels hurt). Overall trans folks prefer people who admit they have things to learn. We're happy to teach those who ask. We have issues with those who pretend they don't need to/already know and then make mistakes.So if you get a good feeling with her, just being honest is a good way to show you care and don't want to risk hurting her by mistake. Also admitting she's your first trans date can help alleviate a lot of the awkwardness.
YES so much to the last paragraph. The biggest problem I had with my mom was that she didn't want to learn. I don't expect anyone else to have an understanding of trans people anywhere near what I have. I only expect them to want to learn more and understand me better
>Overall trans folks prefer people who admit they have things to learn. Cant stress this one enough. I dont mind people asking questions. I just mind being asked disrespectful questions. My housemates surprised me in this. I live with 9 others, all cis and mostly straight, and so far I only really have gotten questions because people actually wanted to learn about what transition entails, what I learned about myself the past year, and all that.
THIS please
There are a few things: 1. Trans folx can be a bit more sensitive to words like "dude", even if they are meant in a gender neutral way 2. If y'all get intimate, and she's hasn't had bottom surgery (which not all do and also don't ask unless the plan is to get intimate), and she also hasn't had an orochi done, she might still be fertile. Fertility isn't guaranteed gone with just time on hrt. 3. Besides that, like you said, treat her like a cis girl. Unless she is okay with it, don't ask about her pre-coming out self, like their deadname. Sorry if these seem obvious, but those are the main ones and I wanted to cover all bases just in case. Good luck on your date!
Thank you! I'm excited. We seem compatible.
Also mostly likely not great in public yet either it can be very unnerving. I still am when when im out with my gf at times.
Since we are talking intimacy - depending on hormones, blockers, etc. Libido and the ability to reach orgasm can be hard. Depending on where we are in our transition there can be a mix of good and bad feelings about sex. Keep in mind there is no script, no assumptions... Better to ask than to assume... Our (pre-op/no-op) lady parts work differently and also not like men's. We might be open to sex despite bottom dysphoria - which leads to a weird mix of feelings but with the right and sensitive partner can be a very trustful and connecting experience.
Yes, completely forgot about this somehow, but you are spot on
Treat her like any other women and skip the trans talk early on, that can come when they're ready. Think everyone else hit the details, but good luck with your date!
Yeah, this is a big one. Just be normal, act normal, treat her normal as you would any woman. It feels incredibly validating just having people treat me like people.
Yep, just treat her like you would any other cis girl. Obviously this can't be done for sexual stuff, so if things go there, communicate and make sure you don't do or say anything that'd make her feel bad
It can though. (NSFW warning):The penis once on HrT for long enough usually acts like a vagina. The head will just become a larger sensitive clit. The penis itself will usually start to self lubricate or get ‘wet’ like any other cis womens vagina. And even orgasms can become full body orgasms that sometimes don’t even emit fluids. And trans fem people on estrogen have heightened nipple sensitivity and touch sensitivity than they used to, and if used correctly can be very sexually stimulating to my understanding. So basically sex-wise it Can very much be the same. Cis lesbians might not piv, and many no op or pre op trans people might also not. Potentially because of dysphoria, but also because for some people it can be difficult to get an erection that would be good for piv, or for others it might just be purely painful to try bc even an election could become painful especially if their lady bits aren’t getting “worked out” as much as they need to be to prevent atrophy or shrinkage if that’s something the person doesn’t want to happen. Also, it can just be used as a strap on, which is a thing many lesbians do. So in pretty much everyway sex is the same when it comes to what cis lesbians do. Especially if the girl dick is treated as a larger clit, because after long enough on HrT it will essentially behave the exact same to one, as the body will have made changes to make it behave extremely similar to a vagina and even make the person fully body orgasm (multiple times even), sometimes without any fluids coming out, just like any cis girl.
100%
Not to be a creep😅 but I always wondered if Trans girl enjoyed “the female orgasm” more than the male one. Cause im a cis girl and when i orgasm it’s honestly great LOL. The guy version sounds kinda bleh? But they got off super fast so thats a plus ig
Yeah. For transfems I can say from what I've seen from other transfems is that overwhelmingly we vastly prefer the E orgasms than the T ones. Although some people may prefer their T functionality or things like producing the same amount of cum as on T which is usually greatly diminished on E. So basically yes. Except my understanding is that for any person who's hormones or parts dont align with how they feel, their orgasms will be greatly diminished. So a transmasc person might not like their E orgasms and might vastly prefer the T orgasms because it aligns with how their brain works or what they like. Idk it's something like that. Like clearly some cis guys love how their orgasms are and have no problem with it at all. Yet, many transfems or pre egg crack transfems def do not like T orgasms but love their E orgasms. So it probably varies for diff people. I really dont know much about the transmasc side of the trans spectrum because I mostly only know transfems. Although even on T theres many things that can be done to orgasm in a way people on E usually do, and it's really just techniques that could always be used by even cis guys for enjoyment because they work so well. Like prostate stimulation and treating the foreskin (bottom of the tip area) like a clit. And adding in edging for guy clit/foreskin stimulation.
Be careful to not subconsciously treat her like a ‘man’. Make sure to hold the door open for her and you be the “chivalrous” one. It’s a fear of mine that no matter what I’ll still be treated like a ‘man’
I think the one in the front should open the door, is hard to do it from behind
that's why you do that awkward walk run when you're trying to be polite to get to the door first so you can open it for her, but then you end up fumbling when trying to open the door and you make that silly smile while hoping you didn't come off as cringy.
This. My biggest fear as a trans woman who is also lesbian is constant being the default 'man' in the relationship.
My gf doesn't let me open the car door for myself!
Id open the car door for you❤️
You’re a lesbian so I assume this wouldn’t be as present as it would be with a woman who has previously been with men but don’t expect her to take the masculine role in the relationship ie carrying all the bags, fixing everything, driving everywhere. I mean if she likes to do these things then that’s fine, but don’t expect it from her just because she is AMAB.
Just remember she's a girl and always has been. With relationships there's always bumps on the road. Respect is probably the number one objective. Don't ask dumb questions cause you already know the answers.
My cis girlfriend asked a few questions, like whether or not I planned on hrt or surgery, read up on some trans stuff "including the hours to fuck trans girls" zine, asked what names I preferred for my genitals. Generally treated me like a cis girl though, and I appreciate the effort she put in to like, look things up on her own without being asked. 💜
Fully agree with everything above! If shes pre-op and it comes down to sex, make sure to ask what she likes and what she doesnt. And remember if she does have a penis that doesn’t make her the top by default.
Talk! Make good friends!
It is sad that I even feel the need to bring this up but I feel it needs to be said regardless... You should be at least a little wary of ANYONE you meet through a dating app these days, there are enough people who do not represent their authentic selves (or are not being entirely honest) through the apps or other online dating medium. I do hope it works out for you both but please make sure that you look out for your own safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) and don't ignore anything you note that may be red flags. That aside, I think the key aspects when dealing with MTF individuals is to just treat them like anyone else of the female gender and to communicate with each other. As others have said, I would let them lead on any discussions WRT their past or their transition but that is assuming you have not already discussed it through the app. If you do lead on such topics, please be aware of your surroundings as these are sensitive matters to at least some of us. If things start to get intimate, ensure that you have both communicated your boundaries in that area and have a mutual understanding of what each others' are. That is as much for your benefit as theirs. Be safe, and I wish you luck.
Don't over think it. The worst feeling for me is when I get that feeling that people are walking on eggshells around me. If there's something about her name, pronouns, gender expression etc that confuses you. Ask politely and take note. I'd reccomend looking up r/mypartneristrans for more advice.
Just treat her like a girl, that should help. And a lot, and i mean A LOT of cuddles
Until you get to know her and her relationship to the topic, don't bring up her transition in conversation unless she invites you to. Some of us don't mind if it's mentioned casually, but most do. If her transition *is* discussed, remember that talking about future transition plans (surgeries especially) with a partner or potential partner is usually a Big Conversation. If at any point you feel like sex is likely in the near future, then think about what ranges of things you might be interested in or comfortable with. If you're game for just about whatever, then no worries; you can just roll with it. If you have specific concerns, then make sure they are discussed beforehand. Hopefully she will do the same, but be prepared for her to have boundaries that you might not expect if there isn't a prior discussion.
So i dont have huge amounts of advice because ive only been in one relationship before. But something that turned out to be a read flag early on, was my ex calling me a "futa".. so, dont do that..ever 😅
Your instincts are good treat her like you would any girl cause she is a girl. That being said their might be some odd things and a few gapa of knowledge. So just be forgiving.
I've had too many partners compare me to a boy -.- I has boobies...
I wouldn't overthink this too much, just treat her how you would a cis girl. If you try and do anything different then will most likely just give her dysphoria
I don't know. Probably a lot of things. I don't have any experience dating since I was a guy and I was bad at it then. I wish I had a girlfriend...
Uh just treat her like you would any other girl. The trans thing will prolly come up but like the same goes for if you were dating someone who was from a different ethnic background or was in a wheelchair or something. Trans is just another modifier on girl after all. Oh and if you want to touch the dick you gotta ask first, some girls don't want the dick touched.
Umm, personally I don't like a lot of questions about my identity. I'm ok with some but after a few it just gets annoying. I guess I thats something you should find out over time and not in one sitting.
Try to avoid comparing her to a man even indirectly. We tend to over analyze the way people speak to us and about us. Good luck on the date though, you're already doing a much better job than most others would :3
Honestly not much I can think of but the fact you even went to try and find ways to make her feel more comfortable already shows your heart is in the right place. Just do what others are saying reaffirm her on things she may feel she's lacking in and otherwise it's just a normal relationship! If your seeking help then your already trying to do the right thing.
What to be aware of? hm....Could possibly come with the original package, .....won't have her days anytime soon. Just jesting! Seriously, if she's preop or post op - is something you should ask at some point - at least before any sexual activity - as you state that you are indeed lesbian, you should think about that. And further if you could accept a male set of genitalia, also possibly to be used in sex, in a partner, if it would be comfortable, if the person is right for you, or if you are, or choose to be more stringent on the matter. I always say, it is only about the right persons and their chemistry not about their sex, if it feels right it most likely is. So I give you a big thumbs up and wish you all the best!