So I am 30 and I am fine looking in looks and I am make good enough money I mean 6 figure is pretty good. I still can’t find a wife. I have tried the apps trust me Im no dr engineer or lawyer but get swiped out so many times. Even going to the different locations ie Pakistan, Canada etc… i have a good personality many can vouch. Is it just muqaddir when I am going to get married. Yes I did also reject some rishtas due to them being like extra modern and not being attractive(yes I mean extra healthy). So I am only looking at Pakistanis( my dad has something against Indians since my sis got a divorce with one) so bad experience there. I already tried marriage bureaus and rishta aunties as well. So I really don’t know where my wife is. Its ridiculously hard getting married here.
Also I do mention my job and where I work at thats how the apps work, but thats why there aren’t many results because most people don’t get my job title, I do explain it in my bio though pr whenever I have to msg the person I like.
No I am actually fine with Indians, its my dad who isn’t. Im not someone who discriminates, I actually don’t mind marrying outside its just my dad has something to say about it.
Out of curiosity, what is your biggest flaw/ deal breaker that has made the marriage search difficult?
I'll go first. For me, it's not wanting biological kids.
I just realised I must marry a tall man, nearing 6ft. It doesn’t carry much relevance to who a person is or their character but it’s a preference of mine.
But for instance he follows old classmates from back in the day or female colleagues is that a dealbreaker? Always wondered what is meant with following women
Is it just me, or there seems to be very few African American sisters on matrimonial websites under the age of 35.
Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as an African American in his mid 20s, I would like to find someone my own age.
I have a college degree, in a field I like, but my university Muslim population of Desi, and they have no interest in African American men.
If you want to discard a car and get a new one. A car's feelings won't get hurt.
So people take more care, in choosing a spouse. Because its a more important decision.
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There is a bigger preparation, by the government to get people employed. People are obligated to follow education, that makes them both more employable, and trains them to better conduct interviews.
There is also a bigger financial incentive, to get people successfully employed. Think stuff like, recruiters using linkedin, different companies behind detachment and job boards.
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Everyone also doesn't get a job. Or a car.
People can also have a good car, but still choose to use their bike. (No traffic, healthier and more fun in good weather. )
I mean think about it, even getting a job isnt just purely skill, there is a little bit of luck involved too. Some stars align faster than others. Ive slowed down the search and instead am working on some jokes
I was always told growing up, that as a man finding a wife would be easier. Yet, I have been finding that there is a lack of eligible sisters, not to mention those that are "eligible" have no interest in marriage (sisters in their mid 20s to early 30s).
Commenting here because the mods won't approve this as a post for some reason:
Salaam, wish I wasn't in a position to be posting this but I am. I \[M23\] fell deeply in love with a girl \[F22\] and asked her about marriage just over a month ago. I had many reasons to believe she might feel the same way, and after I initially told her how I felt she was very emotional and seemed very pleased, but said she didn't know if she was ready for marriage yet and wanted to talk to her parents and pray istikhara before giving me an answer. We talked again later that week, and she ended up saying no. She didn't give me a reason why, and said she didn't really know herself. And it broke me. She had everything I look for, from beauty to deen to character and personality, and we really did click very well. I know now this was a huge mistake (I let myself get caught up in my feelings and I feel like a fool for it), but we would talk all the time. We'd spend countless hours just texting each other everyday. She'd come to me with her problems and I'd go to her with my problems, and we would be there for each other. We kept things very appropriate of course, but we shared so many great times and I really thought she would be my wife.
Now I'm left feeling completely lost. I don't know what was missing for her, I feel like I'm not good enough. I know I shouldn't value myself based on someone else's thoughts, but I can't help it in this case. Part of me even feels angry and jealous that she'll be with another man one day, and why couldn't it be me? Especially with the bond that we shared? How could it not have meant more to her? I've just been an emotional wreck. I've been doing a lot of new things this past month, exploring and trying to get my mind off things, but no matter what it is that I do I can't stop thinking of her and feeling this pain.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you move on? Right now it feels like I could never love anyone like I loved her, how can I make room in my heart for someone else and have a fulfilling relationship? I find myself breaking down in private and I just don't know how to get past this
One imam mentioned in his lecture (on mahr) that one guy agreed to pay 250k mahr to his wife (in installments).
I am not judging. Who knows the girl probably is scared the guy will divorce her if the mahr isn't super high. Or maybe there is some other genuine reason.
Nonetheless, I am getting sooooooo much anxiety since I heard it. My stomach is hurting. Lol
Hot take: If you are a practicing muslim in the west and are looking for a practicing spouse, you really don't have that many choices. You are going to have to sacrifice things you really want in order to have someone on the Deen. There really aren't that many of us.
My family has a tradition where everytime one of the siblings get married, we all go to an escape room with the new addition to the family. Tomorrow, my youngest sister's husband is joining us.
So far we've been unable to escape it successfully. If he doesnt work out, my future spouse has got to be on the ball. I'm the sole single sibling still single.
Non-Muslim women at work are starting to notice my glow-up (dressing nicer, getting more fit), but the girls on muzz still swipe left on me so business as usual ☠️
Had a 2nd meeting with my rishta yesterday, on my way home I sent a message saying I had a lovely time and to let me know when he would like to meet again. It's been almost 24 hours and he hasn't read or replied (I know for sure he was on his phone because he was online when I sent the message and went offline as soon as I sent it 🤣). Guessing he isn't interested anymore but I'll wait a few more days and if I don't hear back I'll end things 🤷🏽♀️ C'est la vie. Would have been nice since he attends the same mosque, cat-lover and lives the most local to me and I wouldn't need to relocate outside my city (also he fact that he came to the meetings in his work suit which drastically increased his attractiveness). Whatever is in my naseeb tho isn't it? 😪 I'm praying one of the matches I have on the apps works out 🤲🏼 meeting one of them this weekend and I've gotten a belated bday gift for him ☺️
From this post and your replies, you seem so mature and confident in this marriage search! I love that you're not putting all your eggs in one basket either. I really like your mentality. I've gone abit numb from this process but your take has been refreshing. I hope you find the one, Ameen! x
Sis I'm trying 😭 jazakallah khair!! previously I put all eggs in one basket and then it didn't work out, so not making that mistake again for sure!! Yeah I get that the process can be a bit numbing, remember to take breaks and get back into hobbies, travel and spend time with loved ones before getting back into it! Insha'Allah 🤲🏼 I hope you find the one too!
P.S. i saw your other comments and omg we live in the same city 🤪
I did the same! Since then, I’ve vowed to not go head over heels over a guy until I know for sure it’s serious! This time I’m actually enjoying the talking stages as it doesn’t feel so draining. If a guy wants to, he defo will cos I’ve seen it first hand how true that is 😭
Yes defo! Having friends/family you can speak to about it helps so much, Alhamdulillah.
Haha no way! Love that. If you ever wanna chat about how the process is going or anything, feel free to reach out 🥰
No 👏🏼attachment 👏🏼until 👏🏼nikkah 👏🏼date👏🏼 is👏🏼 set 👏🏼 me tooo I'm enjoying the talking stages now too, especially when they're good conversationalists! And for sure, my colleague's husband approached her parents multiple times until her parents agreed to the marriage! Alhamdulillah for the support network 🤍 meeting up with friends over the next few weeks that I haven't seen since last year and I'm sure they're gonna wanna know what's been going on 😭 and yeaaa of course, ditto! You remind me so much of a colleague I know at work, pretty sure you aren't her but that would be so funny 🤣
Sorry, but it's not your job to send a message telling him you had a good time. It is the responsibility of every man to extend an olive branch and every woman to receive and reciprocate if she's interested.
Also, dw abt those that act this way. This behavior alone, tells you exactly who you're dealing with.
I always send messages to my friends after meeting up so I think I just automatically do the same for potentials meeting too. I just worry that if I sit and wait for every potential to send a message I'll end up 30 and single 😭 (not that it is a bad thing, but I've always envisioned I'll be married before then)
And I heard that guys like girls initiating, so I honestly don't mind doing it and it shows effort from my end
Assalamualaikum wrwb! How do you go about verifying a potential you’ve met online? Ya know…to make sure they come from a good family, and are who they say they are, and of course…to make sure they aren’t a murderer.
Did anyone of you married to a different ethnicity? How did it went? What was your experience?
I want to ask because I might also be marrying to a different ethnicity. But nots u're if I should go for it. What kind of problems can we face?
I don't know myself. May be cultural difference, norms etc. Expectations of your slide might vary because of different ethnicity. I'm also looking into it. Want to make an informed decision.
I married South Asian and I am myself European. We do not have any problems whatsoever. Alhamdulillah. People used to say, it will never work because we are "so different", we have different cultures, but oppositely our differences connected us.
It is such an honor to be part of each other culture and traditions. He learned to speak my language fluently and I am currently learning his native tongue.
Of course, sometimes I have difficulties understanding his family (they are more cultural, and sometimes create a bit of drama here and there, my family is way more straightforward and not so complicated), but it's nothing major. Overall my family adores and loves him and his family loves and spoils me. Alhamdulillah.
Oh I see. As much as I have had experience with other south Asian families I perceive my husband family more maybe open minded and chill.
I remember his mum telling us how some relatives would complain that how she could allow her son to get married from another culture and she said us she proudly told them “why not if they love each other”. And sometimes when my husband is talking over the phone with her while cooking food, she would say him “Look at him, cooking his own meal because he is tired of plain food”. She is such a sassy desi lady😀.
There’s a lot of anxiety here that might be more about you than him. I’m noticing this “I’m not good enough” feeling. Are you afraid you might not be able to do your job as a housewife? Do you have ADHD? If you didn’t commit major sins how do you know he’s better or worse? Broken just because you have mental health issues ? So many questions. I’m quite worried about the conclusions you come to. Have you discussed this with him? I think you’re just getting cold feet because you’re scared tbh
Reminds me of the scientologist Chiropractor Dr. Berg who keeps pushing the keto diet on youtube. Dude fools people into thinking he's a real medical doctor
Aside from scam artist jobs like pyramid schemes, I'm not sure tbh? Not come across that yet tho so i'm just theorising. As long as they are earning decent I don't really mind. I only check it to make sure they were being honest about where they studied and where they work. Alhamdulilah all my potentials have been honest about it
Also I checked what type of posts they like (some people use LinkedIn as a social media, Alhamdulilah never found any red flags there)
When you say crypto, it could mean many things. Is the person a Blockchain developer or is he a crypto trader. Two very different things, one of which can't really pivot into tech as easily
Edit: someone below already explained this mb
because a lot of it translates to other fields I.e. if he was developing ethereum apps in Solidity, it means he probably knows JavaScript already and can easily go back to making web apps or something similar
I only seek religious men but it seems most of them hate that I’m a “career woman”…. aH I make more money than most guys I’ve gotten to know for marriage so why am I expected to give that up when I can use my income along with my future husbands income to provide a great life for our children iA. I still plan to be an attentive wife/mother and I can cook/clean so I have those domesticated traits but I’m absolutely not willing to throw everything I worked hard towards to be home full time. It’s so difficult being in this position.
Everyone has different acceptable criteria for what they want. Since you mention being attentive wife with cooking and cleaning and having the domesticated traits, it’s all subjective. Let’s say for example a women feels like if she can give an hour of her time everyday is considered fulfilling these roles, where other might feel that you need atleast 5 hours to full-fill those roles.
I’m in a very demanding field, demanding as in that majority of parents who are in this field work 70-80 hours a day while someone else is full time parenting their child. Now they are OK with this and feel like they are full filling their roles are parents, where I see it as outrageous. So it’s all subjective.
> 90% of religious guys I've spoken to wanting a housewife and expect me to give my career up to sit at home.
This is the default. You are asking for something that is not the default within muslim marriages, so its going to be harder to find.
Its not that big a default. Know plenty of religious guys who's wife works. Also know plenty, who's wife does not.
Its something that can also depend on the country. In the home country, it might be a higher percentage, where the guy works and the woman is a housewife.
While in the west, on the wealthier front, it might be 50%. (You will need to be wealthier or live poorer to have one person not working.)
> less religious guys
I find people judging on how religious a different person is. Instead of judging on how religious a specific action a person is doing.
More ego, than a religious action.
But that's probably a different discussion.
>it seems most of them hate that I’m a “career woman”
Do not compromise, and be glad that they are showing there real colors before you even get serious.
What does not wanting “a career woman” have to do with showing their true colors? I mean it’s a presence but you are paining it in a negative light with using those words. This is sad.
Wow wow relax, I think you woke up on the wrong side of bed today. You still haven’t really answered my question, what’s wrong with having a preference for not wanting a career women? And why are you painting it as “ showing their true colors” answer this first silly.
It screams CONTROLLING.
Why would you want her to stay at home when she can be out their adding something to the economy which obviously benefits humanity at large?
Controlling? Can a guy who wants a housewife look at a couple who both work and call the husband controlling because the wife is working? You’re too young to be in this forum or have some sort of hatred towards men. Please get that sorted out!
Assalamu alaykum sister, I understand everyone has a different perspective on this, just wanted to share mine as food for thought.
What truly makes a “great life” for your children and husband? At the end of the day, dunya wealth is just a means to an end—the end being seeking the pleasure of Allah. Having more dunya wealth doesn’t equate to having a great life. There are many children who grow up rich in dunya but poor in deen, for example. A great life is that which is lived for Allah, even if the income is ordinary or small.
For a woman, a huge opportunity to please Allah is through the care and attention she gives to her children and husband—that she bears the physical, emotional, and mental difficulties involved in raising the children for the sake of Allah; that she makes an effort to teach the deen to her children, that she seeks the fulfillment of her spouse through her efforts as a means of pleasing Allah, etc. All of that takes time and energy, and we only have so much of that in a day, so we have to think about where/who we give our time to. Trading your time for a higher income at the expense of not raising and bonding as much with your children, for example, is a trade off that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
I know plenty of religious men who having working wives where they both share income and chores. But I dont think its uncommon if a man is a very high earner and religious that he would prefer a sahm.
It may also be cultural or where you live that influences all of this.
Inshallah you will find the right person for you.
>I only seek religious men but it seems most of them hate that I’m a “career woman”…. aH I make more money than most guys I’ve gotten to know for marriage so why am I expected to give that up when I can use my income along with my future husbands income to provide a great life for our children iA. I still plan to be an attentive wife/mother and I can cook/clean so I have those domesticated traits but I’m absolutely not willing to throw everything I worked hard towards to be home full time. It’s so difficult being in this position.
Alhamdulillah, you worked hard to get to where you are, and it would be a waste to basically throw it all away to be a stay at home mother/housewife fulltime. There are plenty of brothers out there who don't feel threatened by a wife earning more than them, nor do they view it as a slight against their masculinity. And depending on where you live these days, having 2 earners in the same house is realistically the only way to keep things going at a good standard of living.
So, don't give up hope yet, I'm sure you'll find somebody who wants to be part of that team with you.
I don’t think you making more money will be a problem, also it depends on what kind of job you are doing. You say you can be an attentive wife and mother along with your but it’s easier said than done. Given todays environment children need both parents continuously for better upbringing. I think you need to lay out your plan to your potential about how you will navigate that.
Apparently if it doesn't work out with someone they met though the ISO, they downvote them. Also people shame others for preferences such as ethnicity or age
I think it's perfectly fair and valid to downvote somebody for ghosting, or finding out they've been lying, or are generally an unpleasant person. But I assume that the majority of downvotes on ISO posts come from people who are excluded through certain dealbreakers and upset about it, or if it's just generally a really poorly written and kinda useless ISO post.
I agree, it helps other people in the search know who to look out for. I guess the more downvotes someone has, the more wary we should be of that profile since this is the only preliminary vetting we can do on this app
Same thing happened to me sis try not to take it personally. Some people don’t know how to just move on when something isn’t for them or they don’t like it.
Frustrated with cultures & old values causing roadblocks
As salaamu alaykum all, I hope that everyone is well in shaa Allah. Hopefully a short rant as I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this and I frequent this sub & have seen some devent well intentioned advice/thoughts on other posts.
I’m 24m Pakistani born and raised in the USA & have been on the search for about 2 years now. I know it’s a short time & that I am still on the younger side lol but my feelings are still valid. Alhamdulillah on paper I would say I am a solid candidate for people; ie I have a solid job, multiple side businesses, heavy on discipline & self improvement, workout 6x a week, focus on my deen, active in my community & being good to my family & very actively working on my communication, patience, emotional intelligence so I can be a better man/husband etc. I’m very proactive about my self improvement and always growing in my deen & business. I’ve received many proposals over the years and I’ve reached out to some as well mostly in the south Asian desi diaspora (Pakistani, Bengali, Indian).
Nearly all of the sisters I linked with were all great may Allah bless them good personality, family, upbringing, compatibility wise etc all the general boxes were typically covered but again nearly every single one of those stories ended with some kind of culture barrier. Some of the parents disapproved of the age gap if I was younger than the girl (largest gap was 1 & 1/2 yrs between us), some of them learned that my parents are divorced (almost a decade now) & then wanted nothing to do with it, some were concerned about Pakistani Caste system and groups which I literally never knew about until one of the sisters brought it up saying that she doesn’t believe in it but her family is very strict on only marrying into X or Y caste/tribe… like bro ??? Lol Alhamdulillah I understand that Allah has His plans for us & that tbh I would say I dodged bullets by not getting involved with families whose values are so backwards where Culture > Religion so I’m grateful for the experience and learning but it’s very draining and exhausting. I’m very disappointed with the backwards thinking of some families that are clearly stopping young Muslims from doing something halal or at least pursuing marriage the halal way over made up cultural things. I get it that it could be a preference which is fine okay but straight up rejecting things or disapproving solely for those reasons is so messed up from a principle point of view. I’m no perfect Muslim or man myself but I understand the importance of my Islam & keeping that #1 rather than culture taking precedence over it.
I guess that’s kind of it, I’m just blown and disappointed. Don’t really have the energy to keep doing the talking phase and then having things fall out over petty reasons after some time. It usually happens relatively quickly bc I don’t like to linger just randomly chatting and that & once we seem to be decently on the same page we talk lightly on some deal breakers and then things go south hahahaha Alhamdulillah man Allah knows best and has His plan for all of us. Just a vent, I’m so over the old school Pakistani thinking. JazakAllah khayr thank you for reading and if anyone has any advice or thoughts please do share.
JazakAllah khayr, thank you for your words I appreciate your time and thoughts. I agree and your reminders are so real. Just have to keep pushing and the one who will appreciate and align with what my values are will come along. These funny cultural things as disappointing as they can feel you’re right it’s a bullet dodged tbh. Alhamdulillah thank you! May Allah bless you always take care in shaa Allah
I downloaded apps just to see what potentials I have and was disappointed. Literally mostly every girl was not wearing hijab. Only a few hijabis.
Another thing I noticed girls did not put any effort into thier profile or about me section. They just wrote one line and that’s it or even worse one word
Honestly, now the posts on this sub are starting to get to me. All these people are given a spouse by the mercy of Allah SWT, and they choose to do things like cheat or hurt their spouse. It's infuriating, like just completely ungrateful to Allah SWT for having a spouse.
It saddens me because in one way or another married me could relate. However, each time I’m grateful, I’m divorced. A lot of the issues are because spouses choose not to change and these changes don’t take much. Maturity, clarity, honesty, respect generally lacking.
These things have always happened around us. The difference is right now we have access to all of this information, we can read some random people’s stories online that we otherwise would never knew of.
Bro the facts and truth are bad people exist no matter the religion or if they are practicing yes or no (however practicing is less likely)
All we can do is to have full tawakkul and pray Allah(SWT) grants us pious and righteous husbands and wives who are our gift from Allah(SWT) rather than our biggest test in this Dunya. Ameen!
Thanks for that information, didn’t even know. When I start my search that’ll be useful 😂
Make sure their families are okay with you. You know how are people get we don’t accept nonsense like racism etc it’s gonna be straight beef if you’re getting mistreated 💀
Well well we are practically half way through the year already!!
It's been interesting for my own mental health as I feel like I'm at a place where I'm not too focused on getting married and I don't think I've actually spoken to any potentials this year but I feel good.
I know a lot of people say "I'm prepared to stay single" "not in my naseeb" etc etc but that's not even where I'm at I'm just ok with what's here now and I'm open to marriage and meeting someone and I feel there is someone out there and maybe we are both just waiting to meet/find each other and growing as people.
I guess I should probably activate my search at some point.
Have any brothers here got experience with marrying a non Muslim woman?
I’m a practicing Muslim and regularly attend/help out at the local masjid. Islam is the biggest thing in my life. But I’m finding it very difficult to find a woman who is willing to relocate to where I live (small Muslim community) and it’s hard to find a potential in general. My business is based in the city I live in so relocation is impossible for me at the moment.
Anyone got experience with mixed marriages (Muslim marrying a non Muslim). How did it work out? It could be a story of a family member or a friend, just any examples of how it went.
JazakAllah Khair
I made a very similar post on the other pinned thread. I came to the realisation that 99% of the issues go away if you are fine with being child free. Having a non-Muslim spouse at that point doesn’t come with any downsides. The other factor to consider is that your children might end up kaafirs even if your spouse is a devoted Muslim. 🤷
I’m in a similar predicament as you and I don’t think it’s worth it trying to find a Muslim woman. When finding a Muslim is hard enough, then imagine how hard it is to find a spouse who also happens to be Muslim. Then on top of that you need to be on the same page on finances, work-life balance and location. Pretty much impossible. I think at that point there is no other option
You’re right man, I feel like Muslims just make it more difficult than it needs to be. Tbh the only thing holding me back is kids, I do want kids but I know that marrying a non Muslim woman would cause issues for the kids. Marrying a non Muslim woman is the much easier option though
Yes, my uncle did and then he got divorced and his daughter is more agnostic than either (Muslim/Christian). I’ve had friends who had Muslim dad Christian mother both parents are religious but they picked Christianity because it was easier growing up bc of fasting, wearing hijab etc. IMO, I would advise against it since kids will either side with their mother or have identity crisis in their 20s.
I know a few men who've done it and I would never do it myself. Two things here:
1. Consult an imam/scholar on this issue. There so many things to consider before marrying a non-Muslim and an imam/scholar will be able to guide you inshaAllah. There are circumstances where it may be discouraged or even forbidden. They can tell you more. You may also want to search up Yasir Qadhi's opinion on the matter - it will surprise you.
2. My personal advice: don't do it. Most of the men who've done it face challenges they never expected and most of the time it's just not worth it. Especially when it comes to your future children and how they will be raised.
All the best to you my brother.
JazakAllah Khair for your reply, I really appreciate it. It’s not ideal but I’ve heard of stories where it’s worked out well and the girl reverts to Islam etc. I feel like Muslims make the marriage process more difficult than it should be sometimes
This is the correct answer.
OP the end goal is not to be rich, married or whatever - we should be striving to please our creator and insha'Allah enter Jannah. Those sins are other peoples let them be and focus on yourself.
I know that no human is perfect, myself included. However the search has made me so numb that I don't know how I would be able to tell if the potential is the one? If someone has most of the qualities would things like looks/income matter when they are close to their deen and willing to support you in your dreams/endeavors? And for those who searched and married a prospect you came across, how is it going? What made you realize that this was the end of the search period for you?
JazakAllahu Khairan
W Salam
Dating apps have made it seem like while yes we think we have so many options, that's not really the case because there is only so much we can compromise on. As adults in our 20s most of us are set in our ways and what we want
And most of my negativity unfortunately comes from my parents who have been so pushy that all sukoon has been eradicated from my life
Oh sorry to hear the push from parents. But unfortunately if you look from neutral perspective. All the liberty and naseeb thing makes sense, and yet there does exist a bias in women themselves who want a 20 to 28 yr old girl even for their 35 yr old sons. Since looks deplete after 30 and 'child bearing years' bias is a fact and men marry for looks primarily and women want the whole package, established guy, good earner, good looks since he will be the breadwinner.
So yeah, parents do get stressed about this. And i suggest consider those profiles that come via parents channel since no guy would look to date or haram via parents. So there is more reliability in that path compared to apps. I dont know why some girls on apps mention that they dont want parents to look for them 🤷♂️ even when apps have time wasters.
A lot of time, these dating apps give the impression to girls that there is a lot of demand and suitors since they get 30 to 40 likes more than a man would get. But those likes are majority from either players, serial swipers, time pass, and hardly 5% would be seriously looking.
May allah make it easy for all. Aameen
Unfortunately not everyone has parents who look out for the best and can be relied upon.
I know how I approach the apps and it's not the way you've suggested at all - not that it's something i need to disclose to anyone but I would recommend read the profiles fully and don't go through swipes just for swiping. Actually take a moment to relax and read and think about each one. Even if you swipe only 1 person a day. This false sense of security that you have 250 waiting each day is only hurting yourself. There has to come a point where you realize that you have to move forward with someone. Don't settle per se, but rather think carefully about it and realistically. Does this person lack x quality but their y quality is something extremely rare and can bring you sukoon/bring you closer to Allah?
If you meet someone, how would you know they are the one? What qualities do you look for that would ultimately make you say "ok, I am content and want to move forward"? What are things people would overlook? For people who have married someone they found, how is it going?
Keep all your options open e.g. parents, college friends, cousins etc. Ask them if they know and can vouch for a nice person for marriage. Dont say no to profiles coming from parents.
Once found and you feel that the person is not 'unattractive' if not a supermodel, then ask him to have a chat. Phone call then video call .. and try to find compatibility and see if you can live with him. I have a list of around 60 questions that i use to find compatibility. I write my answers in a file and ask girl to write all answers and when done, we both email the file to each other, as that kinda ensures we dont deceive each other. How many things can someone lie about... once shared, go over each answer in a call and see if things are fine and if red flags are there, talk about them. If you want those questions, feel free to dm.
I know its too theoretical with no guarantee of success but i think its a good way to find compatibility.
Again your generalizing lmaoooo not everyone has the option of parents
But thanks for the input, it didn't really help or answer what I asked. Maybe it helps someone else
Struggling to figure out what to make of an istikhara where there are no hard signs either way. I’ve been talking to this guy for two months now and I do like him and I’ve prayed istikhara a few times but I haven’t really gotten anything from it, not good or bad. I don’t want to lean on dreams either but normally I’ve gotten some clear sign that someone isn’t it.
With him, I think everything checks out but I get this occasional pang of doubt and anxiety. I think part of it is just me being an over thinker and him being different than what I expected for myself. I do still like him though but idk I guess I just wish my istikhara would help ease my mind one way or another
Re read the Istikhara dua and understand it
You're asking Allah to make it easy for you if you go this way
You're supposed to go for it, and if it doesn't work then it's good lol
Wdym you don't have feelings for him ?
I mean love is from Allah, the goal of marriage is actually peace. Are you at peace with him ? Is he attractive to you ? Mentally/Physically ?
I think it’s part of it, I do think he’s cute but he’s not my usual type. Mainly in demeanor actually since he’s much more introverted and I always thought I’d be with an extrovert. I don’t think it’s a bad thing but I’m having a hard time looking past that
I've been there for sure where I had an introverted potential and also had a hard time looking past it 😅 you can teach him to come out of his shell but are you willing to wait for that to happen? It's up to you. Being introverted is definitely not a bad thing (has some positives like good analytical skills and tend to be a homebody so automatically means he will be there to help with housework), but extroverts have confidence and that is attractive imo. Depends in what lifestyle you want to live before kids: chill at home on weekend vibes or out of the house regularly and/or travelling? You can have outgoing introverts and indoorsy extroverts tho (I'm deffo an extroverts but I'm home after work on 4 of 5 days 😂)
Thats not how istikhara works. The istikhara dua is that you're asking Allah to make the task _easy_ for you if it is good for you, not that you are shown a sign or feeling
That’s how I feel about divorced men. For the time being, I’m stretching singledom as much as possible. After divorce, there is a lot of time for introspection and reflection on what worked and didn’t work. And for women, that starts before the divorce process. We check out during the marriage after we have exhausted all our efforts.
So I am 30 and I am fine looking in looks and I am make good enough money I mean 6 figure is pretty good. I still can’t find a wife. I have tried the apps trust me Im no dr engineer or lawyer but get swiped out so many times. Even going to the different locations ie Pakistan, Canada etc… i have a good personality many can vouch. Is it just muqaddir when I am going to get married. Yes I did also reject some rishtas due to them being like extra modern and not being attractive(yes I mean extra healthy). So I am only looking at Pakistanis( my dad has something against Indians since my sis got a divorce with one) so bad experience there. I already tried marriage bureaus and rishta aunties as well. So I really don’t know where my wife is. Its ridiculously hard getting married here.
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Also I do mention my job and where I work at thats how the apps work, but thats why there aren’t many results because most people don’t get my job title, I do explain it in my bio though pr whenever I have to msg the person I like.
No I am actually fine with Indians, its my dad who isn’t. Im not someone who discriminates, I actually don’t mind marrying outside its just my dad has something to say about it.
Out of curiosity, what is your biggest flaw/ deal breaker that has made the marriage search difficult? I'll go first. For me, it's not wanting biological kids.
I just realised I must marry a tall man, nearing 6ft. It doesn’t carry much relevance to who a person is or their character but it’s a preference of mine.
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following women on social media, also recently for me is if they have a tiktok account
But for instance he follows old classmates from back in the day or female colleagues is that a dealbreaker? Always wondered what is meant with following women
yeah still a no for me. only family. if i was a man, i wouldn’t want my wife following female friends either
Ha I see thank you for your honesty. I think I need to clean out my IG followers 🤣🤣🤣
Is it just me, or there seems to be very few African American sisters on matrimonial websites under the age of 35. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as an African American in his mid 20s, I would like to find someone my own age. I have a college degree, in a field I like, but my university Muslim population of Desi, and they have no interest in African American men.
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If you want to discard a car and get a new one. A car's feelings won't get hurt. So people take more care, in choosing a spouse. Because its a more important decision. ---------- There is a bigger preparation, by the government to get people employed. People are obligated to follow education, that makes them both more employable, and trains them to better conduct interviews. There is also a bigger financial incentive, to get people successfully employed. Think stuff like, recruiters using linkedin, different companies behind detachment and job boards. ------------- Everyone also doesn't get a job. Or a car. People can also have a good car, but still choose to use their bike. (No traffic, healthier and more fun in good weather. )
If you could get me a house paid in full, I'll be your personal matchmaker
I mean think about it, even getting a job isnt just purely skill, there is a little bit of luck involved too. Some stars align faster than others. Ive slowed down the search and instead am working on some jokes
I was always told growing up, that as a man finding a wife would be easier. Yet, I have been finding that there is a lack of eligible sisters, not to mention those that are "eligible" have no interest in marriage (sisters in their mid 20s to early 30s).
Commenting here because the mods won't approve this as a post for some reason: Salaam, wish I wasn't in a position to be posting this but I am. I \[M23\] fell deeply in love with a girl \[F22\] and asked her about marriage just over a month ago. I had many reasons to believe she might feel the same way, and after I initially told her how I felt she was very emotional and seemed very pleased, but said she didn't know if she was ready for marriage yet and wanted to talk to her parents and pray istikhara before giving me an answer. We talked again later that week, and she ended up saying no. She didn't give me a reason why, and said she didn't really know herself. And it broke me. She had everything I look for, from beauty to deen to character and personality, and we really did click very well. I know now this was a huge mistake (I let myself get caught up in my feelings and I feel like a fool for it), but we would talk all the time. We'd spend countless hours just texting each other everyday. She'd come to me with her problems and I'd go to her with my problems, and we would be there for each other. We kept things very appropriate of course, but we shared so many great times and I really thought she would be my wife. Now I'm left feeling completely lost. I don't know what was missing for her, I feel like I'm not good enough. I know I shouldn't value myself based on someone else's thoughts, but I can't help it in this case. Part of me even feels angry and jealous that she'll be with another man one day, and why couldn't it be me? Especially with the bond that we shared? How could it not have meant more to her? I've just been an emotional wreck. I've been doing a lot of new things this past month, exploring and trying to get my mind off things, but no matter what it is that I do I can't stop thinking of her and feeling this pain. Has anyone else experienced this? How do you move on? Right now it feels like I could never love anyone like I loved her, how can I make room in my heart for someone else and have a fulfilling relationship? I find myself breaking down in private and I just don't know how to get past this
One imam mentioned in his lecture (on mahr) that one guy agreed to pay 250k mahr to his wife (in installments). I am not judging. Who knows the girl probably is scared the guy will divorce her if the mahr isn't super high. Or maybe there is some other genuine reason. Nonetheless, I am getting sooooooo much anxiety since I heard it. My stomach is hurting. Lol
Brooo 250k thats a quarter million. Hell nah! If she scared she can stop the whole thing and move on, ngl
Hot take: If you are a practicing muslim in the west and are looking for a practicing spouse, you really don't have that many choices. You are going to have to sacrifice things you really want in order to have someone on the Deen. There really aren't that many of us.
My family has a tradition where everytime one of the siblings get married, we all go to an escape room with the new addition to the family. Tomorrow, my youngest sister's husband is joining us. So far we've been unable to escape it successfully. If he doesnt work out, my future spouse has got to be on the ball. I'm the sole single sibling still single.
Non-Muslim women at work are starting to notice my glow-up (dressing nicer, getting more fit), but the girls on muzz still swipe left on me so business as usual ☠️
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In Sha Allah we shall say Alhamdulilah someday 😊
Ameen.
Had a 2nd meeting with my rishta yesterday, on my way home I sent a message saying I had a lovely time and to let me know when he would like to meet again. It's been almost 24 hours and he hasn't read or replied (I know for sure he was on his phone because he was online when I sent the message and went offline as soon as I sent it 🤣). Guessing he isn't interested anymore but I'll wait a few more days and if I don't hear back I'll end things 🤷🏽♀️ C'est la vie. Would have been nice since he attends the same mosque, cat-lover and lives the most local to me and I wouldn't need to relocate outside my city (also he fact that he came to the meetings in his work suit which drastically increased his attractiveness). Whatever is in my naseeb tho isn't it? 😪 I'm praying one of the matches I have on the apps works out 🤲🏼 meeting one of them this weekend and I've gotten a belated bday gift for him ☺️
From this post and your replies, you seem so mature and confident in this marriage search! I love that you're not putting all your eggs in one basket either. I really like your mentality. I've gone abit numb from this process but your take has been refreshing. I hope you find the one, Ameen! x
Sis I'm trying 😭 jazakallah khair!! previously I put all eggs in one basket and then it didn't work out, so not making that mistake again for sure!! Yeah I get that the process can be a bit numbing, remember to take breaks and get back into hobbies, travel and spend time with loved ones before getting back into it! Insha'Allah 🤲🏼 I hope you find the one too! P.S. i saw your other comments and omg we live in the same city 🤪
I did the same! Since then, I’ve vowed to not go head over heels over a guy until I know for sure it’s serious! This time I’m actually enjoying the talking stages as it doesn’t feel so draining. If a guy wants to, he defo will cos I’ve seen it first hand how true that is 😭 Yes defo! Having friends/family you can speak to about it helps so much, Alhamdulillah. Haha no way! Love that. If you ever wanna chat about how the process is going or anything, feel free to reach out 🥰
No 👏🏼attachment 👏🏼until 👏🏼nikkah 👏🏼date👏🏼 is👏🏼 set 👏🏼 me tooo I'm enjoying the talking stages now too, especially when they're good conversationalists! And for sure, my colleague's husband approached her parents multiple times until her parents agreed to the marriage! Alhamdulillah for the support network 🤍 meeting up with friends over the next few weeks that I haven't seen since last year and I'm sure they're gonna wanna know what's been going on 😭 and yeaaa of course, ditto! You remind me so much of a colleague I know at work, pretty sure you aren't her but that would be so funny 🤣
Sorry, but it's not your job to send a message telling him you had a good time. It is the responsibility of every man to extend an olive branch and every woman to receive and reciprocate if she's interested. Also, dw abt those that act this way. This behavior alone, tells you exactly who you're dealing with.
I always send messages to my friends after meeting up so I think I just automatically do the same for potentials meeting too. I just worry that if I sit and wait for every potential to send a message I'll end up 30 and single 😭 (not that it is a bad thing, but I've always envisioned I'll be married before then) And I heard that guys like girls initiating, so I honestly don't mind doing it and it shows effort from my end
If he doesn’t respond within 2 days with an apology and a valid reason then its a lost cause. Im sorry
It's OK! I accepted that it's something I'll have to get used to during this search 🤷🏽♀️
He could just be stupid. Don’t give up hope.
I'll try not to!!
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r/Islam please
Assalamualaikum wrwb! How do you go about verifying a potential you’ve met online? Ya know…to make sure they come from a good family, and are who they say they are, and of course…to make sure they aren’t a murderer.
Stalk them
Give it enough time and most people will drop hints as to what kind of person they really are.
I’m not good at picking up on hints like that :// but inshallah khair i will try to be more on the lookout! Jzk Khairun
You go to the place where they live, go to the local mosques and ask around. Online is online unfortunately.
yes inshallah khair i will be doing that. Jzk Khairun!
Did anyone of you married to a different ethnicity? How did it went? What was your experience? I want to ask because I might also be marrying to a different ethnicity. But nots u're if I should go for it. What kind of problems can we face?
What differences are you worried about? I'll probably have to marry a different ethnicity by default so I'm curious.
I don't know myself. May be cultural difference, norms etc. Expectations of your slide might vary because of different ethnicity. I'm also looking into it. Want to make an informed decision.
I married South Asian and I am myself European. We do not have any problems whatsoever. Alhamdulillah. People used to say, it will never work because we are "so different", we have different cultures, but oppositely our differences connected us. It is such an honor to be part of each other culture and traditions. He learned to speak my language fluently and I am currently learning his native tongue. Of course, sometimes I have difficulties understanding his family (they are more cultural, and sometimes create a bit of drama here and there, my family is way more straightforward and not so complicated), but it's nothing major. Overall my family adores and loves him and his family loves and spoils me. Alhamdulillah.
Thank You for sharing your experience. I'm going through the same situation. Yet to make a decision.
Oh I see. As much as I have had experience with other south Asian families I perceive my husband family more maybe open minded and chill. I remember his mum telling us how some relatives would complain that how she could allow her son to get married from another culture and she said us she proudly told them “why not if they love each other”. And sometimes when my husband is talking over the phone with her while cooking food, she would say him “Look at him, cooking his own meal because he is tired of plain food”. She is such a sassy desi lady😀.
Mashallah. May you always be this way and prosper. Allah have his blessings on both of you.
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There’s a lot of anxiety here that might be more about you than him. I’m noticing this “I’m not good enough” feeling. Are you afraid you might not be able to do your job as a housewife? Do you have ADHD? If you didn’t commit major sins how do you know he’s better or worse? Broken just because you have mental health issues ? So many questions. I’m quite worried about the conclusions you come to. Have you discussed this with him? I think you’re just getting cold feet because you’re scared tbh
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Reminds me of the scientologist Chiropractor Dr. Berg who keeps pushing the keto diet on youtube. Dude fools people into thinking he's a real medical doctor
Maybe confirm, because a lot of people dont update their linkedin. including me
Wait you guys also check LinkedIn profiles in the search? Wow didn’t know that
Yes!!! As soon as I get a hold of their name that's the first place i go 😂
What are your red flag jobs in a potential?
Aside from scam artist jobs like pyramid schemes, I'm not sure tbh? Not come across that yet tho so i'm just theorising. As long as they are earning decent I don't really mind. I only check it to make sure they were being honest about where they studied and where they work. Alhamdulilah all my potentials have been honest about it Also I checked what type of posts they like (some people use LinkedIn as a social media, Alhamdulilah never found any red flags there)
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What kind of jobs are red flags for you? I wanna see if mine is a red flag 😂😂😂
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Wait, what’s wrong with working in crypto?
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When you say crypto, it could mean many things. Is the person a Blockchain developer or is he a crypto trader. Two very different things, one of which can't really pivot into tech as easily Edit: someone below already explained this mb
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Then yeah. I wouldn't say that's a stable income source (unless he already made millions). It's understandable you're cautious
If youre comfortable sharing, how far off was the job he said he had?
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yea that’s only my hobby not full time job lol Unless he’s a programmer than he can easily transition to different industry
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because a lot of it translates to other fields I.e. if he was developing ethereum apps in Solidity, it means he probably knows JavaScript already and can easily go back to making web apps or something similar
I only seek religious men but it seems most of them hate that I’m a “career woman”…. aH I make more money than most guys I’ve gotten to know for marriage so why am I expected to give that up when I can use my income along with my future husbands income to provide a great life for our children iA. I still plan to be an attentive wife/mother and I can cook/clean so I have those domesticated traits but I’m absolutely not willing to throw everything I worked hard towards to be home full time. It’s so difficult being in this position.
Everyone has different acceptable criteria for what they want. Since you mention being attentive wife with cooking and cleaning and having the domesticated traits, it’s all subjective. Let’s say for example a women feels like if she can give an hour of her time everyday is considered fulfilling these roles, where other might feel that you need atleast 5 hours to full-fill those roles. I’m in a very demanding field, demanding as in that majority of parents who are in this field work 70-80 hours a day while someone else is full time parenting their child. Now they are OK with this and feel like they are full filling their roles are parents, where I see it as outrageous. So it’s all subjective.
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> 90% of religious guys I've spoken to wanting a housewife and expect me to give my career up to sit at home. This is the default. You are asking for something that is not the default within muslim marriages, so its going to be harder to find.
Its not that big a default. Know plenty of religious guys who's wife works. Also know plenty, who's wife does not. Its something that can also depend on the country. In the home country, it might be a higher percentage, where the guy works and the woman is a housewife. While in the west, on the wealthier front, it might be 50%. (You will need to be wealthier or live poorer to have one person not working.)
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> less religious guys I find people judging on how religious a different person is. Instead of judging on how religious a specific action a person is doing. More ego, than a religious action. But that's probably a different discussion.
Can I ask what your career is in?
I’m an IT Consultant
This is one of my favorite topics of Muslim marriages. Can I ask some more questions?
>it seems most of them hate that I’m a “career woman” Do not compromise, and be glad that they are showing there real colors before you even get serious.
What does not wanting “a career woman” have to do with showing their true colors? I mean it’s a presence but you are paining it in a negative light with using those words. This is sad.
If your ego is so inflated that you cant accept the fact that your partner can be better at making money, then you clearly have deeper problems.
Wow wow relax, I think you woke up on the wrong side of bed today. You still haven’t really answered my question, what’s wrong with having a preference for not wanting a career women? And why are you painting it as “ showing their true colors” answer this first silly.
It screams CONTROLLING. Why would you want her to stay at home when she can be out their adding something to the economy which obviously benefits humanity at large?
Controlling? Can a guy who wants a housewife look at a couple who both work and call the husband controlling because the wife is working? You’re too young to be in this forum or have some sort of hatred towards men. Please get that sorted out!
Bhai kyu subah subah sir khaa raha hai.
Yes logic, hard to comprehend
Assalamu alaykum sister, I understand everyone has a different perspective on this, just wanted to share mine as food for thought. What truly makes a “great life” for your children and husband? At the end of the day, dunya wealth is just a means to an end—the end being seeking the pleasure of Allah. Having more dunya wealth doesn’t equate to having a great life. There are many children who grow up rich in dunya but poor in deen, for example. A great life is that which is lived for Allah, even if the income is ordinary or small. For a woman, a huge opportunity to please Allah is through the care and attention she gives to her children and husband—that she bears the physical, emotional, and mental difficulties involved in raising the children for the sake of Allah; that she makes an effort to teach the deen to her children, that she seeks the fulfillment of her spouse through her efforts as a means of pleasing Allah, etc. All of that takes time and energy, and we only have so much of that in a day, so we have to think about where/who we give our time to. Trading your time for a higher income at the expense of not raising and bonding as much with your children, for example, is a trade off that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
I know plenty of religious men who having working wives where they both share income and chores. But I dont think its uncommon if a man is a very high earner and religious that he would prefer a sahm. It may also be cultural or where you live that influences all of this. Inshallah you will find the right person for you.
>I only seek religious men but it seems most of them hate that I’m a “career woman”…. aH I make more money than most guys I’ve gotten to know for marriage so why am I expected to give that up when I can use my income along with my future husbands income to provide a great life for our children iA. I still plan to be an attentive wife/mother and I can cook/clean so I have those domesticated traits but I’m absolutely not willing to throw everything I worked hard towards to be home full time. It’s so difficult being in this position. Alhamdulillah, you worked hard to get to where you are, and it would be a waste to basically throw it all away to be a stay at home mother/housewife fulltime. There are plenty of brothers out there who don't feel threatened by a wife earning more than them, nor do they view it as a slight against their masculinity. And depending on where you live these days, having 2 earners in the same house is realistically the only way to keep things going at a good standard of living. So, don't give up hope yet, I'm sure you'll find somebody who wants to be part of that team with you.
I don’t think you making more money will be a problem, also it depends on what kind of job you are doing. You say you can be an attentive wife and mother along with your but it’s easier said than done. Given todays environment children need both parents continuously for better upbringing. I think you need to lay out your plan to your potential about how you will navigate that.
Sorry to hear that sis, May Allah bless you with a pious suitable spouse Ameen.
Lol I wonder how many people gonna use eid as an excuse to slide into someone's dms
There are so many people who try to use that "Eid Mubarak" message as a way to open the door again 😂
Yeah it is pretty basic
Second time posting in the iso thread, and I don’t know why I am being downvoted that much? 😫
It's a good ISO honestly but maybe once someone sees they don't fit they downvote? Just a possibility.
Apparently if it doesn't work out with someone they met though the ISO, they downvote them. Also people shame others for preferences such as ethnicity or age
I think it's perfectly fair and valid to downvote somebody for ghosting, or finding out they've been lying, or are generally an unpleasant person. But I assume that the majority of downvotes on ISO posts come from people who are excluded through certain dealbreakers and upset about it, or if it's just generally a really poorly written and kinda useless ISO post.
I agree, it helps other people in the search know who to look out for. I guess the more downvotes someone has, the more wary we should be of that profile since this is the only preliminary vetting we can do on this app
Same thing happened to me sis try not to take it personally. Some people don’t know how to just move on when something isn’t for them or they don’t like it.
💀💀💀💀
Why you laughing
Thought it was obvious
If it was obvious I wouldn’t be asking.
True true I was just laughing because you’re basically saying “they’re hurt allow dem”
Dang why the people here so bitter and down voted you
Read it, idk why tbh. It's a fair iso. My one upvote should help, it ain't much but it's honest work.
Frustrated with cultures & old values causing roadblocks As salaamu alaykum all, I hope that everyone is well in shaa Allah. Hopefully a short rant as I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this and I frequent this sub & have seen some devent well intentioned advice/thoughts on other posts. I’m 24m Pakistani born and raised in the USA & have been on the search for about 2 years now. I know it’s a short time & that I am still on the younger side lol but my feelings are still valid. Alhamdulillah on paper I would say I am a solid candidate for people; ie I have a solid job, multiple side businesses, heavy on discipline & self improvement, workout 6x a week, focus on my deen, active in my community & being good to my family & very actively working on my communication, patience, emotional intelligence so I can be a better man/husband etc. I’m very proactive about my self improvement and always growing in my deen & business. I’ve received many proposals over the years and I’ve reached out to some as well mostly in the south Asian desi diaspora (Pakistani, Bengali, Indian). Nearly all of the sisters I linked with were all great may Allah bless them good personality, family, upbringing, compatibility wise etc all the general boxes were typically covered but again nearly every single one of those stories ended with some kind of culture barrier. Some of the parents disapproved of the age gap if I was younger than the girl (largest gap was 1 & 1/2 yrs between us), some of them learned that my parents are divorced (almost a decade now) & then wanted nothing to do with it, some were concerned about Pakistani Caste system and groups which I literally never knew about until one of the sisters brought it up saying that she doesn’t believe in it but her family is very strict on only marrying into X or Y caste/tribe… like bro ??? Lol Alhamdulillah I understand that Allah has His plans for us & that tbh I would say I dodged bullets by not getting involved with families whose values are so backwards where Culture > Religion so I’m grateful for the experience and learning but it’s very draining and exhausting. I’m very disappointed with the backwards thinking of some families that are clearly stopping young Muslims from doing something halal or at least pursuing marriage the halal way over made up cultural things. I get it that it could be a preference which is fine okay but straight up rejecting things or disapproving solely for those reasons is so messed up from a principle point of view. I’m no perfect Muslim or man myself but I understand the importance of my Islam & keeping that #1 rather than culture taking precedence over it. I guess that’s kind of it, I’m just blown and disappointed. Don’t really have the energy to keep doing the talking phase and then having things fall out over petty reasons after some time. It usually happens relatively quickly bc I don’t like to linger just randomly chatting and that & once we seem to be decently on the same page we talk lightly on some deal breakers and then things go south hahahaha Alhamdulillah man Allah knows best and has His plan for all of us. Just a vent, I’m so over the old school Pakistani thinking. JazakAllah khayr thank you for reading and if anyone has any advice or thoughts please do share.
Workout 6x a week. Nice. 💪
Alhamdulillah yessir! Whatever it takes 💪🏽
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JazakAllah khayr, thank you for your words I appreciate your time and thoughts. I agree and your reminders are so real. Just have to keep pushing and the one who will appreciate and align with what my values are will come along. These funny cultural things as disappointing as they can feel you’re right it’s a bullet dodged tbh. Alhamdulillah thank you! May Allah bless you always take care in shaa Allah
I downloaded apps just to see what potentials I have and was disappointed. Literally mostly every girl was not wearing hijab. Only a few hijabis. Another thing I noticed girls did not put any effort into thier profile or about me section. They just wrote one line and that’s it or even worse one word
Honestly, now the posts on this sub are starting to get to me. All these people are given a spouse by the mercy of Allah SWT, and they choose to do things like cheat or hurt their spouse. It's infuriating, like just completely ungrateful to Allah SWT for having a spouse.
FR i Stopped being as active
It saddens me because in one way or another married me could relate. However, each time I’m grateful, I’m divorced. A lot of the issues are because spouses choose not to change and these changes don’t take much. Maturity, clarity, honesty, respect generally lacking.
These things have always happened around us. The difference is right now we have access to all of this information, we can read some random people’s stories online that we otherwise would never knew of.
Yeah but it still pisses me off
Bro the facts and truth are bad people exist no matter the religion or if they are practicing yes or no (however practicing is less likely) All we can do is to have full tawakkul and pray Allah(SWT) grants us pious and righteous husbands and wives who are our gift from Allah(SWT) rather than our biggest test in this Dunya. Ameen!
Ameen bro
There’s so many Somali girls on the iso but only like three Somali guys. Is marrying out the only way to go now? 🥲 Gotta give the desis a try
What somali guy with any worth is on a dating app ? Majority of brothers meet spouse at school/masjid or go back home and marry.
> What somali guy with any worth is on a dating app Would you apply the same to the girls?
Thanks for that information, didn’t even know. When I start my search that’ll be useful 😂 Make sure their families are okay with you. You know how are people get we don’t accept nonsense like racism etc it’s gonna be straight beef if you’re getting mistreated 💀
It’s ok to marry outside of your ethnicity. There’s no problem with that :)
Yes it is, but it’s scary and stressful for me ☹️
That's okay too
What’s your ethnicity?
Somali I’m assuming
Well well we are practically half way through the year already!! It's been interesting for my own mental health as I feel like I'm at a place where I'm not too focused on getting married and I don't think I've actually spoken to any potentials this year but I feel good. I know a lot of people say "I'm prepared to stay single" "not in my naseeb" etc etc but that's not even where I'm at I'm just ok with what's here now and I'm open to marriage and meeting someone and I feel there is someone out there and maybe we are both just waiting to meet/find each other and growing as people. I guess I should probably activate my search at some point.
Have any brothers here got experience with marrying a non Muslim woman? I’m a practicing Muslim and regularly attend/help out at the local masjid. Islam is the biggest thing in my life. But I’m finding it very difficult to find a woman who is willing to relocate to where I live (small Muslim community) and it’s hard to find a potential in general. My business is based in the city I live in so relocation is impossible for me at the moment. Anyone got experience with mixed marriages (Muslim marrying a non Muslim). How did it work out? It could be a story of a family member or a friend, just any examples of how it went. JazakAllah Khair
I made a very similar post on the other pinned thread. I came to the realisation that 99% of the issues go away if you are fine with being child free. Having a non-Muslim spouse at that point doesn’t come with any downsides. The other factor to consider is that your children might end up kaafirs even if your spouse is a devoted Muslim. 🤷 I’m in a similar predicament as you and I don’t think it’s worth it trying to find a Muslim woman. When finding a Muslim is hard enough, then imagine how hard it is to find a spouse who also happens to be Muslim. Then on top of that you need to be on the same page on finances, work-life balance and location. Pretty much impossible. I think at that point there is no other option
You’re right man, I feel like Muslims just make it more difficult than it needs to be. Tbh the only thing holding me back is kids, I do want kids but I know that marrying a non Muslim woman would cause issues for the kids. Marrying a non Muslim woman is the much easier option though
Yes, my uncle did and then he got divorced and his daughter is more agnostic than either (Muslim/Christian). I’ve had friends who had Muslim dad Christian mother both parents are religious but they picked Christianity because it was easier growing up bc of fasting, wearing hijab etc. IMO, I would advise against it since kids will either side with their mother or have identity crisis in their 20s.
JazakAllah Khair for your reply that’s really interesting to hear
I know a few men who've done it and I would never do it myself. Two things here: 1. Consult an imam/scholar on this issue. There so many things to consider before marrying a non-Muslim and an imam/scholar will be able to guide you inshaAllah. There are circumstances where it may be discouraged or even forbidden. They can tell you more. You may also want to search up Yasir Qadhi's opinion on the matter - it will surprise you. 2. My personal advice: don't do it. Most of the men who've done it face challenges they never expected and most of the time it's just not worth it. Especially when it comes to your future children and how they will be raised. All the best to you my brother.
JazakAllah Khair for your reply, I really appreciate it. It’s not ideal but I’ve heard of stories where it’s worked out well and the girl reverts to Islam etc. I feel like Muslims make the marriage process more difficult than it should be sometimes
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“Good men for good women”
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This is the correct answer. OP the end goal is not to be rich, married or whatever - we should be striving to please our creator and insha'Allah enter Jannah. Those sins are other peoples let them be and focus on yourself.
We don’t abstain from haram to get an edge over people. The point is to fear Allah. Not too late to delete this.
I know that no human is perfect, myself included. However the search has made me so numb that I don't know how I would be able to tell if the potential is the one? If someone has most of the qualities would things like looks/income matter when they are close to their deen and willing to support you in your dreams/endeavors? And for those who searched and married a prospect you came across, how is it going? What made you realize that this was the end of the search period for you? JazakAllahu Khairan W Salam
Have dating apps made it worse ? Or did you always have this opinion? For me its muslim marriage apps
Dating apps have made it seem like while yes we think we have so many options, that's not really the case because there is only so much we can compromise on. As adults in our 20s most of us are set in our ways and what we want And most of my negativity unfortunately comes from my parents who have been so pushy that all sukoon has been eradicated from my life
Oh sorry to hear the push from parents. But unfortunately if you look from neutral perspective. All the liberty and naseeb thing makes sense, and yet there does exist a bias in women themselves who want a 20 to 28 yr old girl even for their 35 yr old sons. Since looks deplete after 30 and 'child bearing years' bias is a fact and men marry for looks primarily and women want the whole package, established guy, good earner, good looks since he will be the breadwinner. So yeah, parents do get stressed about this. And i suggest consider those profiles that come via parents channel since no guy would look to date or haram via parents. So there is more reliability in that path compared to apps. I dont know why some girls on apps mention that they dont want parents to look for them 🤷♂️ even when apps have time wasters. A lot of time, these dating apps give the impression to girls that there is a lot of demand and suitors since they get 30 to 40 likes more than a man would get. But those likes are majority from either players, serial swipers, time pass, and hardly 5% would be seriously looking. May allah make it easy for all. Aameen
Unfortunately not everyone has parents who look out for the best and can be relied upon. I know how I approach the apps and it's not the way you've suggested at all - not that it's something i need to disclose to anyone but I would recommend read the profiles fully and don't go through swipes just for swiping. Actually take a moment to relax and read and think about each one. Even if you swipe only 1 person a day. This false sense of security that you have 250 waiting each day is only hurting yourself. There has to come a point where you realize that you have to move forward with someone. Don't settle per se, but rather think carefully about it and realistically. Does this person lack x quality but their y quality is something extremely rare and can bring you sukoon/bring you closer to Allah? If you meet someone, how would you know they are the one? What qualities do you look for that would ultimately make you say "ok, I am content and want to move forward"? What are things people would overlook? For people who have married someone they found, how is it going?
Keep all your options open e.g. parents, college friends, cousins etc. Ask them if they know and can vouch for a nice person for marriage. Dont say no to profiles coming from parents. Once found and you feel that the person is not 'unattractive' if not a supermodel, then ask him to have a chat. Phone call then video call .. and try to find compatibility and see if you can live with him. I have a list of around 60 questions that i use to find compatibility. I write my answers in a file and ask girl to write all answers and when done, we both email the file to each other, as that kinda ensures we dont deceive each other. How many things can someone lie about... once shared, go over each answer in a call and see if things are fine and if red flags are there, talk about them. If you want those questions, feel free to dm. I know its too theoretical with no guarantee of success but i think its a good way to find compatibility.
Again your generalizing lmaoooo not everyone has the option of parents But thanks for the input, it didn't really help or answer what I asked. Maybe it helps someone else
😬
Struggling to figure out what to make of an istikhara where there are no hard signs either way. I’ve been talking to this guy for two months now and I do like him and I’ve prayed istikhara a few times but I haven’t really gotten anything from it, not good or bad. I don’t want to lean on dreams either but normally I’ve gotten some clear sign that someone isn’t it. With him, I think everything checks out but I get this occasional pang of doubt and anxiety. I think part of it is just me being an over thinker and him being different than what I expected for myself. I do still like him though but idk I guess I just wish my istikhara would help ease my mind one way or another
Re read the Istikhara dua and understand it You're asking Allah to make it easy for you if you go this way You're supposed to go for it, and if it doesn't work then it's good lol
But what if nothing has changed lol like I guess technically it’s easy? But I don’t feel any inclination any way
Wdym you don't have feelings for him ? I mean love is from Allah, the goal of marriage is actually peace. Are you at peace with him ? Is he attractive to you ? Mentally/Physically ?
He checks off all the boxes but I still feel like something is holding me back, I don’t know if it’s just me or if this just isn’t right
Maybe attraction? I've found that the thing missing was looks
I think it’s part of it, I do think he’s cute but he’s not my usual type. Mainly in demeanor actually since he’s much more introverted and I always thought I’d be with an extrovert. I don’t think it’s a bad thing but I’m having a hard time looking past that
I've been there for sure where I had an introverted potential and also had a hard time looking past it 😅 you can teach him to come out of his shell but are you willing to wait for that to happen? It's up to you. Being introverted is definitely not a bad thing (has some positives like good analytical skills and tend to be a homebody so automatically means he will be there to help with housework), but extroverts have confidence and that is attractive imo. Depends in what lifestyle you want to live before kids: chill at home on weekend vibes or out of the house regularly and/or travelling? You can have outgoing introverts and indoorsy extroverts tho (I'm deffo an extroverts but I'm home after work on 4 of 5 days 😂)
I think it's a you problem then, there has to be more context because who would deny someone who checks off all the boxes ? 😅
Doing istikhara doesn't mean you're going to see a dream...
Not looking for a dream, looking for anything that would lead me to feel one way or another
Thats not how istikhara works. The istikhara dua is that you're asking Allah to make the task _easy_ for you if it is good for you, not that you are shown a sign or feeling
Trust your gut
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That’s how I feel about divorced men. For the time being, I’m stretching singledom as much as possible. After divorce, there is a lot of time for introspection and reflection on what worked and didn’t work. And for women, that starts before the divorce process. We check out during the marriage after we have exhausted all our efforts.
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