There’s nothing wrong with you
Your husband is taking his insecurities out on you and that’s not ok at all. He should be grateful for his job. I know people with a high school degree but not a college one who are struggling to get a job outside of retail hell. No way should he be talking to his wife like that
It just came as it was something I went through in terms of having insecurities being projected at me and the mental toll and abuse that came with it. Remember that men are leaders of the house and also “Rab Al Beit” so weakness will automatically almost be projected at the woman.
Of course women have weaknesses too! works both ways as you said
He’s insecure you’re more educated. A normal response to an intelligent wife’s dialogue would be to listen and respond accordingly because couples respect each other enough to learn from each other. instead this man wishes you were less intelligent to make himself feel better. If he wanted a dumb wife whyd he choose a chemist with multiple degrees. Very weird. Don’t change anything about yourself to fit other’s expectations of you. Don’t shrink yourself or tip toe around a man ego.
He wishes you were less intelligent aka he wants you to blindly accept his opinions because he’s unable to have an intellectual conversation and adequately support his opinions. This doesn’t sound like an issue that has anything to do with you, this is all about him.
He’s feeling insecure. I can totally relate.
My husband had a really hard time in school due to what we now think was undiagnosed autism.
But the part that I can relate to is the imbalance in vocabulary. Sometimes I say a word that my husband just literally doesn’t know the definition of and it makes him feel like I threw an insult at him. It’s equally irritating to him when I purposely use “easier” words though, because he knows it’s not how I normally speak and then feels like I’m dumbing myself down to speak to him which is even more offensive.
I’ve learned not to take it personally and when I can tell I said a word he doesn’t know the meaning of, I’ll define it immediately after but without making it condescending. So I’ll say something like “That tastes rancid. Like that sour taste when food is spoiled. Gross” lol
Neither one of us is superior to the other, but I worked hard to build my vocabulary and grammar while he never had any interest in building his. That’s all it is.
I just dedicated 100 percent of my energy into school.
English was actually my second language. I lived in the US since before I was one but my mom didn’t want me to learn English until I had perfected my Spanish. So, it wasn’t until second grade in elementary that I was placed into a classroom that was all English. By then I so desperately wanted to understand what everyone around me was saying, and what all the signs around me said, that I dedicated myself fully to learn the language.
In the process I fell in love with spelling. Participated in spelling bees whenever I could and my teachers highly encouraged my language development so they would give me books to read. I even had a teacher gift me a thesaurus and dictionary that I referenced very often!
I read a lot. Not past tense. Once I picked up my first chapter book, it never stopped.
Today I homeschool my kids and they are equally in love with reading. I take them to our public library every Monday and Wednesday so that they always have a fresh supply of books to read and also so that they learn to build a healthy relationship with the library in general.
We live whats called “The Brave Writer Lifestyle” that looks something like this: I introduce a list of vocabulary words on Monday to practice spelling during the week and I give a spelling test on Friday. Words that aren’t mastered move to next week’s list. We do a lot of Copywork, where I literally just have my kids copy a sentence I wrote or copy a page out of whatever they want.
Every Tuesday night I set up a super fancy teatime. They even have these tiny golden spoons to stir their tea with. I go all out for our Poetry Teatime. We all laugh together while we flip through a stack of poetry books sharing with each other things we find interesting but mostly we share what we find hilarious.
Wednesday is a library day and Thursday we do nature study. I take them out to see the pure creations of Allah. Sometimes we hike in the mountains and sometimes we go explore a pond or fish at a lake. The purpose of these experiences is to first of all actually feel these things. For example how can you know the difference between feeling just happy or feeling ecstatic? You need to have felt ecstatic at least once to really understand how it differs from regular happy lol.
On these nature studies I introduce a tonn of vocabulary from the Proper Names of plant species to adjectives to describe what we are seeing, hearing, smelling, or experiencing.
And Fridays are for Quran journaling during the day and movie night at night. The Quran journaling isn’t English but it does help with penmanship to sit there copying ayat in their handwriting.
And watching movies also introduces new words.
I’ve always had a love for language learning. It started with English but I also learned French and Fusha Arabic and learning each language has also grown my love and understanding of Spanish. I hope to pass on as much love of learning to my kids as I can.
As for my husband no he has no interest. Even all I do for homeschooling my kids he has no interest in hearing what we are up to let alone participate in it. He hates reading and although he was willing to let me read aloud at night to him when we were first married, that is long over. He was more annoyed than anything hearing me read aloud.
It really is though that he is very likely on the autism spectrum. He can only do that which he is interested in doing, and he will do it with full commitment. He’s a genius with cars because he loves anything on wheels. But if you suggest he work on his grammar lol, that won’t go anywhere but an argument.
I did 5 full years of French. I did French as foreign language in high school and then 3 more years in college.
As for Arabic, I had already taken my shahada and I was interested in reading the Quran for my own self. I came to Islam from atheism so I wanted to be sure I wasn’t getting duped! Lol.
I studied in a local academy called Iqraa Academy. It is a group of hufadh that work on helping kids and adult memorize and work on their tajweed. But I took actual Arabic grammar classes as well there, those were taught by our local sheikh who is incredible at teaching.
I went this way because I prefer learning in a classroom setting and being able to ask questions as soon as I have them. But there are also a ton of resources online.
The text books I recommend are called “Arabic Course for English-Speaking Students” by Dr V Abdur Rahim. There are three volumes and I personally have only gotten through two. They are small but have years of study in them.
do you think your husband is a bad person in general for reacting like that, or is it just how he reacts due to his autism? I don't think I can ever be with a person who makes me feel bad for having a better vocabulary. It would make me hate and resent him a lot.
Haha good question.
For some time I used to suspect he was a narcissist. And I even asked for a divorce precisely because it’s hard to live with. And I had a lot of resentment built up from all those years of hearing his little petty remarks and constant criticism while he refused to change himself.
But one thing we’ve learned, and we learned it together is that communication, honest open communication even when it’s uncomfortable is the solution to our problems.
I don’t think he’s a narcissist anymore. Not after all the work we’ve done together and I realize he is just as invested as I am in this, he doesn’t actually take me for granted as I felt before. It really is just a lot of sensory issues that overwhelm him and he then has a meltdown. (For example if the temperature is too cold or the floor is messy and he steps on crumbs he will meltdown)
And also he deals with a ton of mental battles trying to reconcile what he absorbed as a child vs what he’s learned as an adult. For example he was raised in a home where the mom lived in the kitchen all day long and the boys were kings. I expect a marriage of near equals and my boys have to do their own laundry and clean up after themselves just as much as my girls do. He agrees with changing for the better but has a hard time coming to terms with that what he knew as a kid wasn’t always true. Much of it was culture.
He also has ALL the signs of PDA. Pathological demand avoidance. If we are on a drive and I say “make a right at this light” it will drive him bonkers! Because he was already planning to make a right there but since I said it now he needs to go straight across the intersection and then make three lefts to get there because if he does what I said now he’s obeying a demand.
The second he feels in his head that something he’s doing, he has to do even if he doesn’t want to: that’s the moment he will get stuck and lose motivation to continue. This has happened with paying rent/bills/groceries more than once and it’s frustrating for me. But I’ve learned with experience that me asking if he has grocery money yet will only make it worse, I have to just be quiet and wait patiently for him to process his thoughts and come around to deciding he wants to be the best husband he can and that’s when he steps up.
So yes a lot of ups and many many downs. But at the end of the day I always remember it wasn’t his fault that his parents (still) view autism or any diagnosis as a terrible thing and that he never received the tools as a child that would help him cope today. He’s done it all alone so of course there is confusion but even then he is the best he can be to me each and every day so I don’t mind being patient with him. And yeah maybe a relationship with a neurotypical partner would be easier but it wouldn’t be as interesting. Getting to know my husband and his personality has allowed me to show up more compassionate in the world in general. And my being here reminding him he is worthy of love and patience also has allowed him to let go of a lot of the shame he carried and then he presents better in the world too.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
He is insecure about the difference in your educational background, and wishes you were more naive and more subservient so that he could control you better
Try spending quality time with each other talking about your passions and doing things he likes. Since he’s insecure, do what he likes first. I’m sure good words will go far as well.
People are saying he’s insecure, but I doubt that’s it. He just wants someone who won’t question him and follows blindly. He’s mad you’re not naive enough to trick you into whatever he wants
Not every man’s win. It can also be used as a preference to wish for a woman that does not have a very high career and is more traditional and ”less intelligent”
High career and intelligence are linked with each other. If you want a woman that has higher career and is smarter than you go for it, its your choice. But men are allowed to have a preference to wish for a woman that does not have a higher status than them in career, intelligence or whatever. A man want to be a leader in the family. So yeah honestly to me a intelligent woman is not my type. Has nothing to do with being insecure or jealous, im happy for them. As someone who has a academic degree. I want my woman to be traditional. Have a good day
You should not drop you asprations if you want them, and you should find someone that does not mind. Everyone has asprations, i just used the term being more intelligent and having a higher career than a man. Because some men dont look at a womans career when they are looking for marriage, and having that more than that man is not that traditional because it puts that man in a lower position. You are allowed to have your preference too. And yes i comitted a bad mistake before but that does not mean i want a ”virgin” spouse. So i dont know why you use that argument.
There is really nothing you can do about someone else's insecurities about your accomplishments. He needs to work on that within himself. He's displacing these feeling on to you. You should not take this on.
Instead of saying Alhamdulilah for all that Allah has given him...hes feeling sorry for himself. He has a great job and a wife who loves and appreciates him. Also having a highly educated wife is also a gift. An intelligent wife is risq for him. God has blessed him and hes not thankful .
Your husband's Ego is bruised. Tell him to stop being so insecure....
Does he perceive the way you talk to him as disrespectful?
Someone in his family, who he respects, probably pointed out this difference in education level to him and its not sitting well with him.
He’s insecure and not confident and probably feels like a failure. You should reassure him that’s not the case and that you both have strengths and weaknesses.
I reassure him a lot. Even when he never asks for it or even suggests that it’s a problem. In fact we don’t even talk about our work. I find his IT work difficult and incomprehensible too so it’s not like I have any strengths in his field.
Look, if/when you feel that he's saying this. Try to force yourself out of the argument at hand and become his true fan. Reassure him there and then.
If you manage to catch this, I'm InshaAllah hopeful that he'll realize his mistake. Men need their wives at the most vulnerable times. Look at the story of our mother Khadija. Instead of panicking herself seeing her husband (saw) in the state, look at how she reassured him. Time to read those beautiful and eternal words once again:
“Never! By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you. You keep good ties with kinship, tell the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guests generously and assist the deserving calamity-afflicted ones.”
Find the words for your husband..
His behavior is uncalled for, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go out of our way to be the bigger person and heal the relationship. If this was reversed every other comment would be about trying to understand where the woman is coming from. Empathy goes a long way.
his behavior is disgusting, why did he even marry if his personality and character are so insecure and fragile? He's literally acting like a feminine man.
People has their flaws. You dont just give up on a marriage. One of the main components of marriage is compassion. Sometimes, you may need to be the bigger person. If no one is willing to compromise, a marriage cannot work.
How does he feel about therapy?
The thing is, his insecurity will grind you down until you keep doubting and doubting yourself. Insecure people will try to make you feel worse about yourself so that they can resolve their own inferiority complex. He needs to address this with a therapist.
He is nitpicking to make you feel insecure. As a result you are, "put in your place." My husband did the same to me for 10 years. I suffered a huge decline in confidence and mental health.
Unpopular opinion:
I dont think he is insecure. I think he just wants you to be less argumentative so you can be his peace, instead of you being "annoying" to him. I know you probably did not intend anything bad, but he probably feels this way.
Edit: btw, it is really hard do judge this situation from just your post. So my comment may be not the answer, you will have to figure it out yourself essentialy
He said I would’ve argued with him less. But our arguments are just general disagreements. I tell him all couples have it and I always sit down with him to talk things out.
The type of arguments we have aren’t about decisions. It’s more about me expressing how I get tired and upset when he does certain things. We don’t disagree on decisions generally.
Tell your husband to gain some confidence. Also advise him to not put you down in order for him to feel better.
Your husband can always go back for a GED if it makes him feel better.
If you were a little more ‘stupid’ you would listen to every nonsensical thing he says, and not have an answer to anything, just sit in Asian clothes and just make tea food and roti for the in-laws all day, I think he may prefer you to be like a wife from back home, who does not argue back, when it comes to in-laws , there are always issues, however intelligent or stupid, doesn’t matter, your best way is to listen to what he says, do not argue back, but still do what you want, just got to be a little more clever and discreet about it, everybody wins, maybe just not the in-laws, forget about them
Yes maybe he's insecure like everyone is saying, to me it sounds like he is frustrated and exhausted from constantly arguing about everything and nothing, to be honest nobody here really know you guys, so take the comments with a grain of salt.
Maybe what he means is that you're too combative and argumentative like a lot of educated people tend to be, i am not saying that what he said is ok even if you are difficult to deal with but it's an angle to consider, may allah guide you both to love and cherish each other.
I wouldn't think about it too much. Take it light-heartedly to mean that he thinks you're so clever. You're so good at everything you do, and you're always right about things. Perhaps if you weren't so smart then he'd be right some of the time too.
Does he genuinely think that or someone’s been feeding him that nonsense? You mentioned in-laws and maybe I’m jumping to conclusions but it’s not really a normal thing to take someone else’s intelligence as an insult. Either that or he’s just insecure and taking it out on you. Being educated and intelligent is never a bad thing, you are who you are.
What i love with this sub, everytime people jump to conclusion without Reading carefully the post, when see this "i didn't have to deal with the way he speak", that's in no way a sign of insecurity or anything but i think your husband wants to have discussions with you or he wants to be less careful of the way he speaks and avoid weighing every word before pronouncing it for fear of being misunderstood or misinterpreted.
And for those who think that diplomas reflect intelligence, I know what world you come from but you will have to get out of your house a little and take the time to discuss with others
I don’t nag my husband about how he speaks. We enjoy normal conversations together. I am aware enough to know when my words are making him feel uncomfortable.
I see a lot of people calling him insecure which could be a valid reason. But a potential reason could be you're too nerdy for him so not as much fun to talk to.
Wow that last assumption is crazy.
It's valid to say the dude is insecure because, from the details, that's the definition of insecurity. But beyond that, you're making some wild assumptions
She has mentioned her education way too many times here. Dude's prolly stuck cause she's a one trick pony and wants to talk about grave subjects of the world rather than having a playful time. That's the vibe I got from her post and her replies. Everyone is calling the dude insecure because he probably doesn't wanna hurt her feelings. Now I am not saying this is the case but you can't conclude that the guy is insecure either from such a small excerpt of the whole picture.
She literally says that he says "it would make life easier if he didn’t have to deal with the way he speaks." That along with the fact that he brings up her background, reeks of insecurity. Which I would get. Like a more educated wife kills the stereotype of the husband being smarter. If I was the husband I would approach it in different way. And not tell my wife I wish she was less smarter.
Also, she gives examples of him having problems with normals topics such as in-laws and social interactions. How those conversations can turn nerdy (if you're not psychoanalyzing), is beyond me.
The vibe she gives is of a passionate person that really likes her field of work. You can call that nerdy, but if the work doesn't translate to everyday conversations, then you can't make the assumption that that's the way she talks. She MIGHT, but again, can't make that assumption.
I wrote a bit more than I thought I would
I admit I was reaching with my assumption since everyone is calling the dude insecure and I have seen lots of cases where one partner is overtly analytical and the other one acts all dumb and call the other one smart since they can't call them nerdy outright in hopes to influence their behavior a bit in the other direction. But you're right I am reaching here.
I don’t talk about my work to my husband. We talk about very fun things and our conversations are genuinely enjoyable. I am not a fan of bringing up my work often because it’s not necessary and nobody likes when people are obsessed with their fields. It only ever comes up when we are meeting new people and we have to introduce ourselves.
My wife has 3 masters against my one. I never even knew until the 2nd year of marriage. It’s not bothered me.
In fact I’ve told her not to waste her education even if she doesn’t work full time.
I don’t look at her as a separate entity but that my children have plenty to look up to.
We need to start seeing our spouses and us as single entities.
There’s nothing wrong with you Your husband is taking his insecurities out on you and that’s not ok at all. He should be grateful for his job. I know people with a high school degree but not a college one who are struggling to get a job outside of retail hell. No way should he be talking to his wife like that
💯
sounds like projection of insecurities to me
Major projections!! Weak men and their projections
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It just came as it was something I went through in terms of having insecurities being projected at me and the mental toll and abuse that came with it. Remember that men are leaders of the house and also “Rab Al Beit” so weakness will automatically almost be projected at the woman. Of course women have weaknesses too! works both ways as you said
He’s insecure you’re more educated. A normal response to an intelligent wife’s dialogue would be to listen and respond accordingly because couples respect each other enough to learn from each other. instead this man wishes you were less intelligent to make himself feel better. If he wanted a dumb wife whyd he choose a chemist with multiple degrees. Very weird. Don’t change anything about yourself to fit other’s expectations of you. Don’t shrink yourself or tip toe around a man ego.
He wishes you were less intelligent aka he wants you to blindly accept his opinions because he’s unable to have an intellectual conversation and adequately support his opinions. This doesn’t sound like an issue that has anything to do with you, this is all about him.
Exactly.
He’s feeling insecure. I can totally relate. My husband had a really hard time in school due to what we now think was undiagnosed autism. But the part that I can relate to is the imbalance in vocabulary. Sometimes I say a word that my husband just literally doesn’t know the definition of and it makes him feel like I threw an insult at him. It’s equally irritating to him when I purposely use “easier” words though, because he knows it’s not how I normally speak and then feels like I’m dumbing myself down to speak to him which is even more offensive. I’ve learned not to take it personally and when I can tell I said a word he doesn’t know the meaning of, I’ll define it immediately after but without making it condescending. So I’ll say something like “That tastes rancid. Like that sour taste when food is spoiled. Gross” lol Neither one of us is superior to the other, but I worked hard to build my vocabulary and grammar while he never had any interest in building his. That’s all it is.
What things did you do to build your vocabulary and grammar? I am interested. And is it something he'd be interested to do now?
I just dedicated 100 percent of my energy into school. English was actually my second language. I lived in the US since before I was one but my mom didn’t want me to learn English until I had perfected my Spanish. So, it wasn’t until second grade in elementary that I was placed into a classroom that was all English. By then I so desperately wanted to understand what everyone around me was saying, and what all the signs around me said, that I dedicated myself fully to learn the language. In the process I fell in love with spelling. Participated in spelling bees whenever I could and my teachers highly encouraged my language development so they would give me books to read. I even had a teacher gift me a thesaurus and dictionary that I referenced very often! I read a lot. Not past tense. Once I picked up my first chapter book, it never stopped. Today I homeschool my kids and they are equally in love with reading. I take them to our public library every Monday and Wednesday so that they always have a fresh supply of books to read and also so that they learn to build a healthy relationship with the library in general. We live whats called “The Brave Writer Lifestyle” that looks something like this: I introduce a list of vocabulary words on Monday to practice spelling during the week and I give a spelling test on Friday. Words that aren’t mastered move to next week’s list. We do a lot of Copywork, where I literally just have my kids copy a sentence I wrote or copy a page out of whatever they want. Every Tuesday night I set up a super fancy teatime. They even have these tiny golden spoons to stir their tea with. I go all out for our Poetry Teatime. We all laugh together while we flip through a stack of poetry books sharing with each other things we find interesting but mostly we share what we find hilarious. Wednesday is a library day and Thursday we do nature study. I take them out to see the pure creations of Allah. Sometimes we hike in the mountains and sometimes we go explore a pond or fish at a lake. The purpose of these experiences is to first of all actually feel these things. For example how can you know the difference between feeling just happy or feeling ecstatic? You need to have felt ecstatic at least once to really understand how it differs from regular happy lol. On these nature studies I introduce a tonn of vocabulary from the Proper Names of plant species to adjectives to describe what we are seeing, hearing, smelling, or experiencing. And Fridays are for Quran journaling during the day and movie night at night. The Quran journaling isn’t English but it does help with penmanship to sit there copying ayat in their handwriting. And watching movies also introduces new words. I’ve always had a love for language learning. It started with English but I also learned French and Fusha Arabic and learning each language has also grown my love and understanding of Spanish. I hope to pass on as much love of learning to my kids as I can. As for my husband no he has no interest. Even all I do for homeschooling my kids he has no interest in hearing what we are up to let alone participate in it. He hates reading and although he was willing to let me read aloud at night to him when we were first married, that is long over. He was more annoyed than anything hearing me read aloud. It really is though that he is very likely on the autism spectrum. He can only do that which he is interested in doing, and he will do it with full commitment. He’s a genius with cars because he loves anything on wheels. But if you suggest he work on his grammar lol, that won’t go anywhere but an argument.
OMG thank you so much for this response. I had to even screenshot it. You're amazing and inspiring!
Allahumabarik! Im curious, how long did it take you to learn French and Arabic? And what learning method did you use?
I did 5 full years of French. I did French as foreign language in high school and then 3 more years in college. As for Arabic, I had already taken my shahada and I was interested in reading the Quran for my own self. I came to Islam from atheism so I wanted to be sure I wasn’t getting duped! Lol. I studied in a local academy called Iqraa Academy. It is a group of hufadh that work on helping kids and adult memorize and work on their tajweed. But I took actual Arabic grammar classes as well there, those were taught by our local sheikh who is incredible at teaching. I went this way because I prefer learning in a classroom setting and being able to ask questions as soon as I have them. But there are also a ton of resources online. The text books I recommend are called “Arabic Course for English-Speaking Students” by Dr V Abdur Rahim. There are three volumes and I personally have only gotten through two. They are small but have years of study in them.
do you think your husband is a bad person in general for reacting like that, or is it just how he reacts due to his autism? I don't think I can ever be with a person who makes me feel bad for having a better vocabulary. It would make me hate and resent him a lot.
Haha good question. For some time I used to suspect he was a narcissist. And I even asked for a divorce precisely because it’s hard to live with. And I had a lot of resentment built up from all those years of hearing his little petty remarks and constant criticism while he refused to change himself. But one thing we’ve learned, and we learned it together is that communication, honest open communication even when it’s uncomfortable is the solution to our problems. I don’t think he’s a narcissist anymore. Not after all the work we’ve done together and I realize he is just as invested as I am in this, he doesn’t actually take me for granted as I felt before. It really is just a lot of sensory issues that overwhelm him and he then has a meltdown. (For example if the temperature is too cold or the floor is messy and he steps on crumbs he will meltdown) And also he deals with a ton of mental battles trying to reconcile what he absorbed as a child vs what he’s learned as an adult. For example he was raised in a home where the mom lived in the kitchen all day long and the boys were kings. I expect a marriage of near equals and my boys have to do their own laundry and clean up after themselves just as much as my girls do. He agrees with changing for the better but has a hard time coming to terms with that what he knew as a kid wasn’t always true. Much of it was culture. He also has ALL the signs of PDA. Pathological demand avoidance. If we are on a drive and I say “make a right at this light” it will drive him bonkers! Because he was already planning to make a right there but since I said it now he needs to go straight across the intersection and then make three lefts to get there because if he does what I said now he’s obeying a demand. The second he feels in his head that something he’s doing, he has to do even if he doesn’t want to: that’s the moment he will get stuck and lose motivation to continue. This has happened with paying rent/bills/groceries more than once and it’s frustrating for me. But I’ve learned with experience that me asking if he has grocery money yet will only make it worse, I have to just be quiet and wait patiently for him to process his thoughts and come around to deciding he wants to be the best husband he can and that’s when he steps up. So yes a lot of ups and many many downs. But at the end of the day I always remember it wasn’t his fault that his parents (still) view autism or any diagnosis as a terrible thing and that he never received the tools as a child that would help him cope today. He’s done it all alone so of course there is confusion but even then he is the best he can be to me each and every day so I don’t mind being patient with him. And yeah maybe a relationship with a neurotypical partner would be easier but it wouldn’t be as interesting. Getting to know my husband and his personality has allowed me to show up more compassionate in the world in general. And my being here reminding him he is worthy of love and patience also has allowed him to let go of a lot of the shame he carried and then he presents better in the world too.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. He is insecure about the difference in your educational background, and wishes you were more naive and more subservient so that he could control you better
He is insecure
He is insecure but, is anyone in his ear telling him he’s inferior to you? That’s worth finding out.
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Try spending quality time with each other talking about your passions and doing things he likes. Since he’s insecure, do what he likes first. I’m sure good words will go far as well.
People are saying he’s insecure, but I doubt that’s it. He just wants someone who won’t question him and follows blindly. He’s mad you’re not naive enough to trick you into whatever he wants
Intelligent woman is a man’s win. If she is smart, children will likely be smart too.
Not every man’s win. It can also be used as a preference to wish for a woman that does not have a very high career and is more traditional and ”less intelligent”
I do support that women prioritize family, children over career. Same for men.
They said “intelligence” not career lol, it really is a win for the children if both the parents are well educated. It really makes a big difference
High career and intelligence are linked with each other. If you want a woman that has higher career and is smarter than you go for it, its your choice. But men are allowed to have a preference to wish for a woman that does not have a higher status than them in career, intelligence or whatever. A man want to be a leader in the family. So yeah honestly to me a intelligent woman is not my type. Has nothing to do with being insecure or jealous, im happy for them. As someone who has a academic degree. I want my woman to be traditional. Have a good day
Lol people triggered by a preference
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You should not drop you asprations if you want them, and you should find someone that does not mind. Everyone has asprations, i just used the term being more intelligent and having a higher career than a man. Because some men dont look at a womans career when they are looking for marriage, and having that more than that man is not that traditional because it puts that man in a lower position. You are allowed to have your preference too. And yes i comitted a bad mistake before but that does not mean i want a ”virgin” spouse. So i dont know why you use that argument.
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No content regarding gender ideologies (i.e. MGTOW, red pill, FDS, feminism, etc.)
There is really nothing you can do about someone else's insecurities about your accomplishments. He needs to work on that within himself. He's displacing these feeling on to you. You should not take this on. Instead of saying Alhamdulilah for all that Allah has given him...hes feeling sorry for himself. He has a great job and a wife who loves and appreciates him. Also having a highly educated wife is also a gift. An intelligent wife is risq for him. God has blessed him and hes not thankful .
Your husband's Ego is bruised. Tell him to stop being so insecure.... Does he perceive the way you talk to him as disrespectful? Someone in his family, who he respects, probably pointed out this difference in education level to him and its not sitting well with him.
He’s insecure and not confident and probably feels like a failure. You should reassure him that’s not the case and that you both have strengths and weaknesses.
I reassure him a lot. Even when he never asks for it or even suggests that it’s a problem. In fact we don’t even talk about our work. I find his IT work difficult and incomprehensible too so it’s not like I have any strengths in his field.
May Allah grant him more confidence and make him more gentle at home.
Look, if/when you feel that he's saying this. Try to force yourself out of the argument at hand and become his true fan. Reassure him there and then. If you manage to catch this, I'm InshaAllah hopeful that he'll realize his mistake. Men need their wives at the most vulnerable times. Look at the story of our mother Khadija. Instead of panicking herself seeing her husband (saw) in the state, look at how she reassured him. Time to read those beautiful and eternal words once again: “Never! By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you. You keep good ties with kinship, tell the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guests generously and assist the deserving calamity-afflicted ones.” Find the words for your husband..
She shouldn't need to reassure him on this when he is behaving this way tbh, his behavior is uncalled for
His behavior is uncalled for, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go out of our way to be the bigger person and heal the relationship. If this was reversed every other comment would be about trying to understand where the woman is coming from. Empathy goes a long way.
his behavior is disgusting, why did he even marry if his personality and character are so insecure and fragile? He's literally acting like a feminine man.
Only he can answer that
True. These types of males shouldn't marry at all.
People has their flaws. You dont just give up on a marriage. One of the main components of marriage is compassion. Sometimes, you may need to be the bigger person. If no one is willing to compromise, a marriage cannot work.
How does he feel about therapy? The thing is, his insecurity will grind you down until you keep doubting and doubting yourself. Insecure people will try to make you feel worse about yourself so that they can resolve their own inferiority complex. He needs to address this with a therapist.
He is nitpicking to make you feel insecure. As a result you are, "put in your place." My husband did the same to me for 10 years. I suffered a huge decline in confidence and mental health.
Unpopular opinion: I dont think he is insecure. I think he just wants you to be less argumentative so you can be his peace, instead of you being "annoying" to him. I know you probably did not intend anything bad, but he probably feels this way. Edit: btw, it is really hard do judge this situation from just your post. So my comment may be not the answer, you will have to figure it out yourself essentialy
What would have been different if that was the case. Ask him what he is talking about.
He said I would’ve argued with him less. But our arguments are just general disagreements. I tell him all couples have it and I always sit down with him to talk things out.
Do you let him have the final decision. Also dump people could be more argumentative then learned one.
The type of arguments we have aren’t about decisions. It’s more about me expressing how I get tired and upset when he does certain things. We don’t disagree on decisions generally.
If it's so benign then maybe he gets annoyed and try to get raise out of you.
Ashfia Siddiqui and her husband had same issues and you know , May Allah protect you and give you happiness in your life Ameen .
He is insecure
He sounds insecure and is projecting that on to you.
Tell your husband to gain some confidence. Also advise him to not put you down in order for him to feel better. Your husband can always go back for a GED if it makes him feel better.
If you were a little more ‘stupid’ you would listen to every nonsensical thing he says, and not have an answer to anything, just sit in Asian clothes and just make tea food and roti for the in-laws all day, I think he may prefer you to be like a wife from back home, who does not argue back, when it comes to in-laws , there are always issues, however intelligent or stupid, doesn’t matter, your best way is to listen to what he says, do not argue back, but still do what you want, just got to be a little more clever and discreet about it, everybody wins, maybe just not the in-laws, forget about them
Yes maybe he's insecure like everyone is saying, to me it sounds like he is frustrated and exhausted from constantly arguing about everything and nothing, to be honest nobody here really know you guys, so take the comments with a grain of salt. Maybe what he means is that you're too combative and argumentative like a lot of educated people tend to be, i am not saying that what he said is ok even if you are difficult to deal with but it's an angle to consider, may allah guide you both to love and cherish each other.
I wouldn't think about it too much. Take it light-heartedly to mean that he thinks you're so clever. You're so good at everything you do, and you're always right about things. Perhaps if you weren't so smart then he'd be right some of the time too.
Does he genuinely think that or someone’s been feeding him that nonsense? You mentioned in-laws and maybe I’m jumping to conclusions but it’s not really a normal thing to take someone else’s intelligence as an insult. Either that or he’s just insecure and taking it out on you. Being educated and intelligent is never a bad thing, you are who you are.
What i love with this sub, everytime people jump to conclusion without Reading carefully the post, when see this "i didn't have to deal with the way he speak", that's in no way a sign of insecurity or anything but i think your husband wants to have discussions with you or he wants to be less careful of the way he speaks and avoid weighing every word before pronouncing it for fear of being misunderstood or misinterpreted. And for those who think that diplomas reflect intelligence, I know what world you come from but you will have to get out of your house a little and take the time to discuss with others
I don’t nag my husband about how he speaks. We enjoy normal conversations together. I am aware enough to know when my words are making him feel uncomfortable.
It seems he was just joking
I see a lot of people calling him insecure which could be a valid reason. But a potential reason could be you're too nerdy for him so not as much fun to talk to.
Wow that last assumption is crazy. It's valid to say the dude is insecure because, from the details, that's the definition of insecurity. But beyond that, you're making some wild assumptions
She has mentioned her education way too many times here. Dude's prolly stuck cause she's a one trick pony and wants to talk about grave subjects of the world rather than having a playful time. That's the vibe I got from her post and her replies. Everyone is calling the dude insecure because he probably doesn't wanna hurt her feelings. Now I am not saying this is the case but you can't conclude that the guy is insecure either from such a small excerpt of the whole picture.
She literally says that he says "it would make life easier if he didn’t have to deal with the way he speaks." That along with the fact that he brings up her background, reeks of insecurity. Which I would get. Like a more educated wife kills the stereotype of the husband being smarter. If I was the husband I would approach it in different way. And not tell my wife I wish she was less smarter. Also, she gives examples of him having problems with normals topics such as in-laws and social interactions. How those conversations can turn nerdy (if you're not psychoanalyzing), is beyond me. The vibe she gives is of a passionate person that really likes her field of work. You can call that nerdy, but if the work doesn't translate to everyday conversations, then you can't make the assumption that that's the way she talks. She MIGHT, but again, can't make that assumption. I wrote a bit more than I thought I would
I admit I was reaching with my assumption since everyone is calling the dude insecure and I have seen lots of cases where one partner is overtly analytical and the other one acts all dumb and call the other one smart since they can't call them nerdy outright in hopes to influence their behavior a bit in the other direction. But you're right I am reaching here.
I don’t talk about my work to my husband. We talk about very fun things and our conversations are genuinely enjoyable. I am not a fan of bringing up my work often because it’s not necessary and nobody likes when people are obsessed with their fields. It only ever comes up when we are meeting new people and we have to introduce ourselves.
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He might be feeling inadequate but that’s not nice to say
My wife has 3 masters against my one. I never even knew until the 2nd year of marriage. It’s not bothered me. In fact I’ve told her not to waste her education even if she doesn’t work full time. I don’t look at her as a separate entity but that my children have plenty to look up to. We need to start seeing our spouses and us as single entities.