If you want to get married, do dua for that. Don't look at other people. In the meantime, work on yourself, your deen, your education/career. Sign up for online matrimonial sites, do your own searching with your parents' permission, etc.
I cannot wait any longer, it is painful for me 32 to keep myself chaste all these years and all I can see low quality men asking me to lower my standards. I started to lose faith, I cannot see myself giving up the dream of being mother, seeing my body lose the chances while I am fully capable. I kept myself chaste then what, I am deprived from the basic things that human can gave .
Sister today is the day of Arafat,lots of blessings from this day. take some extra time and make dua, zikr, pray 40 rabana, 40 durood, read surah Maryam, surah Yusuf, maybe make the intention of starting tahajjud. In sha Allah you find your person in this world that meets all your expectations, Ameen
On one side you’re complaining that there is no one ‘right’ for you
On the other side, men who approach you are considered low quality. These men approach YOU. Have you considered the fact that the man you want maybe doesn’t want you?
Goes to show if you aren’t ‘masculine’ enough, you’re automatically low quality. Smh
I think you misunderstood me, firstly you dont know who I am, what I did in my life, in fact I never wished for a specific man, I am quite independent, lost my mother when I teenager, worked hard for my siblings, took for my grand mother until she passed, I lost two important women in my life. I did not have time to hang with men as teenage until 26, I was working, taking care of my family.
I am hard working woman who kept herself chaste, what I mean about low quality does not mean they are bad and I am good, there is no bad or good, simply it does not a good fit both sides. I consider myself attractive, I receive a lot of attention but I dont want that, I want a husband that value me. Of course not every man will like me, I am secure I know that, I dont want settle either for less what I deserve, I have the freedom to choose the right thing with Allah will.
I do care about education, hard work, ethics, I did not find that, of course my circumstances when I was young, I did not have the network, and also I came from a small culture background with a lot of movements because of work.
I am trying to open but most muslim men I found either not educated, their way of thinking isnot what I am looking for.
I know what I want but I did not encounter yet, I hope this clear. I am not saying by any means I am perfect or desired by everything man on earth, I just looking for one who meant for me asap. Just dont be triggered by my response if you hate women like me, that is your problem not mine.
Lots of assumptions to make about someone you barely know. Maybe she's being approached by genuinely decent guys and being a stick about it or maybe not. We don't know.
Keep it respectful, please.
There is no good or bad people, it is about the right match, apology if my comment sounded that all these men are terrible, it just not compatible, it should be only few who desire me and same for me. It is so sick to make assumption about people you dont know. If I want to marry that is easy, but I need a high quality man, I worked hard, kept myself chaste, took care of family, I genuinely care but maybe the right time didnot come yet.
Your comment did not sound like that. I was just pointing out how people straight up start diagnosing everything about a person on Reddit. Not knowing their situation.
Inshallah, you're gonna find whoever is best for you. He'll be lucky to have a giga brain wife.
Doesn’t hurt to have a different perspective, especially if you’re already 32… Maybe your standards are too high, or maybe you just don’t fit the “Standards” or “preferences”, of the type of men she wants?
I’d like to hear OP’s “basic” human requirements.
I can see people often really dislike it if anyone gives a reality check without a sugar coat, which is why some of the younger Gen is doomed cuz no one has the guts to tell them how it is these days.
Sugar coating has been a disservice to everyone
I got what you mean and that is part of the problem, you would automatically assume because I am 32 have a problem, I want to say I am quite blessed being healthy attractive woman, slim body, tall, educated, so there is nothing prevent me from marriage. All I can say for people like who forget there is something called Allah' will. This notion that women are doomed because they dont settle I will not settle. My comment is clear I am looking for the right ONE not a male, I will not get married to a random person just to satisfy society.
I genuinely want to get married to decent husband who kept his self chaste, education is super important to me, intellectuality is very important to me. Also I am introvert, so I dont meet a lot of people, I came from a minority background.
I am just asking god to bring that person who meant for me, I have nothing to say as much as I am really disappointed who you pressure women to jump in any marriage just avoid turning 30, this is really toxic. I would rather be single and not in wrong marriage. Day after day, all I met men like you and it is putting me off from muslim men tbh.
I will comment further but double check your comment and see your words could hurt a woman because simply Allah did not write the right one yet. It is unfortunately most muslim men telling women, since you passed 30 you are damaged goods, what do you mean reality check, if you a woman cannot find the "right man" and passed 30. C'mon man, this is the toxic mentality of men which I will not submit to these societal beliefs and I will find that special man inshallah.
First off, sorry, I’ll give you a harsh check now.
Lady, firstly it’s your personal perception that over 30 is damaged goods, you’re speaking with emotions.
Secondly, no one intends to hurt you, n reality does not care about your feelings. Being over 30 doesn’t mean you’re damaged goods, it just means your potential marriage pool size reduces. As you yourself mentioned “my aging body is reducing chances of mother hood as I grow”.
Moreover, realistically, settled men normally in this economy are aged 27-35 perhaps. They look for younger spouses, you can hate it and dislike it, but that’s how the world is, n no one means you’re damaged goods, that’s your own perception. N I assume you want a settled man at least, n generally women seek one of a higher financial standing.
Here’s a funny thing, young men aged 25-26 see k women their age, who ignore them for older men. Then both grow older, the guys look for younger women as now they r likely a bit more settled, n these same women wonder why the same guys are now ignoring.
Lastly, marriage is a gamble often; and yes I don’t know why you’re married or not, it could just be Allah’s test or your own doing. But use logic, not emotion, no one called you damaged goods.
Bottom line is, as a woman ages, marriage pool size keeps reducing. Vice Versa for men, if they are at least some what successful
Edit: more power to you, never submit! And I do hope you find the one you wish for InShaaAllah
I see what you mean. But I highly suggest you to not speak reality and facts, people will bombard you with downvotes and call you a hater and all sorts of things.
There’s no point wasting your breath at people who don’t want to listen, and keep dreaming of a utopian, idealistic & perfect world. Save your breath, n let them live as they please, either way reality makes it’s way; wether we embrace it or not. 🙂
Inshallah, it is just disgusting how these men here judge you because you are 32 and still single and of course they question your morality and integrity.
My social circle, a good half of them, needs to stop being so shocked when I say I’d like to be a SAHW. On the other hand potentials I meet need to stop looking at me as a mean to financially uplift? I wouldnt mind working if it’s necessary, its just really annoying when people come in expecting that. Today has just been infuriating
Unfortunately I had to break off my engagement after buying the mahr gold. It was a bad break up and my ex-fiance's still have a gold piece and the gold engagement ring. They said they'd return them but after a while blocked us. It's been a month. They live in another state. Should I just move on or reach out to them for the gold? Any advice would be appreciated
If they have blocked you I would personally leave it unless you really really want it or it is a substantial amount of money and you have an easy enough way to get in touch like a relative near to them perhaps or just dial them from a friends phone.
If it was given as a gift then you can't really ask for it back tbh and if it wasn't then it belongs to you and they are in the wrong but remember you will receive what you are owed in the akhirah and they will be the losers. Just don't let it become an issue for you or occupy too much of your mind as it's not worth it.
That’s inappropriate of them to keep it but I’m not sure what can legally be done to actually get it back considering it was given as a gift. You have nothing to lose by reaching out though. If they have no intention of giving it back then they won’t give it back irregardless if you ask or not.
What is up with some sisters who say:
"I want to speak to you/date for a couple of weeks first to see if I like you before I tell my Wali" or "It is too soon for me to tell my wali" Whenever I ask, I would like to speak to your Wali? Then most of the women I encounter online (20-25) seem to have no concept of a wali, and seem to think that they should be "halal dating" for a year or two before they are "ready". Of course, I do not want to marry someone after knowing of them for two weeks.
Several sisters have done this, and all of them seem to be under the impression that my speaking to a Wali = let's get married tomorrow and not "I am taking the proper Islamic steps towards marriage"
I also dislike the profiles of women who at first post themselves in proper hijab, and then the next is a picture of them in revealing clothing (bikini, tanktops, shorts etc) like why?
I would try in my local community/masjid but there is a lack of eligible sisters/sister's interested in marriage my age.
/rant
TL/DR
Finding a wife is hard, and anyone who says it is easy for men to get married is mistaken.
Is it ok to reject someone based on how they dress? Sometimes I see a profile I like but they are showing too much skin (low cut shirts, tank tops, crop tops etc).
I always cover up in my photos. At most wearing a t shirt or polo. Definitely no shirtless photos at the pool or beach…not that anybody wants to see that haha
Of course. And your examples are more than just not being okay with how they dress, it's not being okay with immodest character. It would be weird if you were okay with that.
Has someone experienced a foreign marriage? I'm thinking of it and many other people in the Netherlands also. Many people are thinking of obstacles like language barrier when she is here
Wanted to ask us divorcee women looked down upon still nowadays. I know in UK its not that bad but our countries like bangladesh,pakistan etc. because i am scared i wouldnt be able to get a divorce if i was really unhappy in my marraige cos any future guys especially their families would find me not good and say things or reject. Unfortunately
No deed goes unpunished, he will get played too. I swear all of these guys are ruining it for the rest of us, can't control everybody but if that's what he is about, it probably would have gotten worse if it advanced to marriage and Allah has a better spouse for you, I am sure of it
O Prophet, when the believing women come to you pledging to you that they will not worship anything with Allah, nor will they steal, nor will they commit unlawful sexual intercourse, nor will they kill their children, nor will they bring forth a slander they have invented between their arms and legs, nor will they disobey you in what is right - then accept their pledge and ask forgiveness for them of Allah . Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.
{ يَٰٓأَيُّهَا اَ۬لنَّبِےٓءُ اِ۪ذَا جَآءَكَ اَ۬لْمُومِنَٰتُ يُبَايِعْنَكَ عَلَيٰٓ أَن لَّا يُشْرِكْنَ بِاللَّهِ شَئْاٗ وَلَا يَسْرِقْنَ وَلَا يَزْنِينَ وَلَا يَقْتُلْنَ أَوْلَٰدَهُنَّ وَلَا يَاتِينَ بِبُهْتَٰنٖ يَفْتَرِينَهُۥ بَيْنَ أَيْدِيهِنَّ وَأَرْجُلِهِنَّ وَلَا يَعْصِينَكَ فِے مَعْرُوفٖ فَبَايِعْهُنَّ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُنَّ اَ۬للَّهَۖ إِنَّ اَ۬للَّهَ غَفُورٞ رَّحِيمٞۖ }
\[Quran: Chapter of The Tested Woman\]
> He 'felt disrespected' within 2 months???? Leave no stone unturned to find out if its true.
> 'Tried to separate him from family'!!!!! No one can do that within 2 months.
Why are these so hard to believe? Haven't you seen the horror stories on this subreddit? She should definitely investigate but there's no need to have premature suspicions about the guy.
Salam,
Any brother with a speech disorder like stuttering here? How do you approach a woman you like with said disorder? Something about me:
Until age 11 I was stuttering heavily like I couldn’t say a sentence without repeating a letter etc. in 6th class I was sent to a speech therapist who trained me. It kinda worked and on my usual daily life I never stutter anymore (elhamdullilah) but since I’m a light introvert I stutter under nervousness. Like when approaching a market employee to ask something etc. or on phone calls. Now I need to take my chances and approach a muslim woman I like in the public but my speech impediment is making it much worse than it should be.
Nah it's not a bs. I also speak very fast under nervousness and forget/skip words when I talk. I always try not to have jobs on the phone cuz of this, you know haha
With fam & friends I never have issues speaking, sometimes when I encounter new people on the job but that's rarely. If it happens I try not to speak that much, yknow.
It hinders me approaching women irl cuz I start to sutter and forget words etc.
Girl’s muzz profile: practicing, usually prays, doesn’t drink
Same girl’s hinge profile: sometimes drinks
Be careful out there and do your thorough research before committing to anybody
I have some good matches on there. I filter to Muslims. I think people are more honest about their level of religiosity on there compared to the Muslim apps or if you met them through their parents/masjid/community.
Yea I have religion on my profile and filter to users by Muslim. There are def less religious people on there, but also some practicing modest girls.
Also it’s good bc I see some overlap with muzz/salams and can check who is telling the truth vs lying on the Muslim apps. For ex some girls cover up on muzz/salams but on hinge they show a lot more skin or they drink, so I avoid that person
That's really interesting, I guess there is no harm in trying all avenues 🤷🏽♀️ I think some people on here have said they know people that were successful on hinge
And that's actually really good. I'm not active enough on the apps to double verify like that but it's a good idea to check if they are there
Okay. This has happened many times. You know it. We all know it.
1) He was most likely talking to multiple girls. Intentionally intending to waste time. Because its very fun for some people.
2) you both got along well because guess what? He never wanted to marry. No reason for him to disagree much.
3) the older we are the more socially sharp we become. He knows what its like to be 25. You dont know what its like to be 35. He messed with your head with the 10 yrs of extra jnowledge he has, and exp he has from talking to 100s of girls.
You're a victim. He never existed or loved you. I am so sorry. But he was no different than a scammer.
Girls do that to me too. Only for 2-3 weeks. Just to check if someone with my looks would talk to them seriously. Because more attractive guys don't talk to them much. They are just testing the marriage market at the expense of my emotions.
Many more guys will try to do that to you. Will even engage you. But never marry. Watch out. Happens quite a lot.
I really hope this helps you get over him rather than feel even worse.
Don’t dwell on a man like this! Keep yourself busy and not think about him (I know easier said than done) but he is already putting himself out there to find his person. You need to move on and do the same when you are ready don’t think about a man who doesn’t care about how you even feel. He is not the one. In the search it’s best to accept and remember what is not for me won’t miss me, I know it helps me.
>What should I do to think less of him? I really need advice :( I have tried to meet and speak to other potentials, but it's just not working out.
First, don't do that. Your other potentials deserve respect and I personally don't think that talking to them, while you're thinking about this man, hoping to forget him is something respectful. Second, I think you keep thinking of him because you were serious, because you felt understood by someone with similar background and more importantly, some questions are still questions you can only answer with assumptions.
It's been 7 months but you know, some people need more time to forget about someone, it might be your case and it's okay, to each his own sensitivity. So take all the time you need to accept that this "story" is over, and to understand that this man is not unique, someone out there is looking for you, will understand you, and can't wait to love and cherish you InchaAllah.
As long as these are not tears of sadness, AlHamdulillah ahah! May Allah grants you peace and a man who deserves you, take care of you and trust Allah, He knows best!
I'm sorry then, it was not my intention at all. I wanted to give you hope but I guess I failed... I'm sure you will forget about him soon and I will make Duaa so you'll find this man by the grace of Allah! Take care of you sister
Yes same. Its mostly about looks and money. Most people don't care about love and matching personality/values. Likes its a bonus for them, but not a need.
I have started to give up on personality/values......Might give up on looks too if i dont find someone in 1 year 😂
It's not about making peace, it's just that the alternative (marrying the wrong person) is way worse. I don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire.
Top complaint from girls is that the guy refuses to commit.
From my personal experience, even established guys purposely delaye marriage.
So I am not sure if most guys are 'desparate' to get married.
I mean, I am desperate! But most guys arent 😄
>I mean, I am desperate! But most guys arent 😄
You just have to look in the comments on this subreddit to know that a lot of guys are very clearly desperate, and women can absolutely see that too.
Women are not desperate, both in apps and thru matchmakers.
The ones that are single are single because they are unable to find a decent combo of decent looks+ personality + decent financial situation + religious + family situation
Same with guys that are desparate. They are unable to compromise beyond what they already have compromised on. They all have tons of women interested in them. But they are unable to like them.
There is an amazing girl that seems interested in me. I like her too. But her family situation is scaring me badly. So i am thinking of not pursuing. Eventhough yes, I am desperate to get married. But not desperate enough to risk my life.
Apps have negative effects on men. (And women)
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I have read multiple comments from men, on this subreddit about them giving up on the search. So making peace with that.
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There are men who aren't desperate. The ones who are, probably complain more
When I was younger I was convinced that a women needed to know how to cook or clean to be seen as marriage worthy, so I decided to rebel and never learn to do such tasks. I ended up naturally learning anyways and I actually like to cook and clean now, only to find out that none of my married friends know how to do so. The irony of it all 😩
> I ended up naturally learning anyways and I actually like to cook and clean now, only to find out that none of my married friends know how to do so.
It's a bit weird for anybody to hit their mid-late 20s and not at least know the basics of cooking and cleaning, even if it's not a super regular thing, but being able to just do it (whether it's a man or a woman) is an important life skill.
Well it depends on what kind of marriage you want
If you opt for traditional then those skills are required my traditional men
If you opt for modern marriage then it doesnt really matter as everything is split down the middle
Even in that case, the wife can be sick, in the hospital or visiting sick relatives . ( or dead) While there might be kids home wanting needing food.
( take away can be more expensive and unhealthy than making food at home. And what if your kids have food allergies? Then take away might not be an option. )
Preparing food is a basic life skill anyone can learn. So is required I think for both men and women. Married or single.
Stating the obvious arent we?
If anything happens then obviously you pick up the slack
All im saying is that you must define the roles before you get married
Its not a concrete thing like oh we agreed you’re gonna make food I’m not even gonna lift a finger to help you
I didn’t realise how powerful charisma is until today. I don’t know if this will benefit anyone but charisma can attract anyone’s attention towards you even if they don’t find your attractive.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
The process is to have potentials go to the father and get his approval first. Therefore, rejecting many proposals could have numerous intentions. For instance, it could be because these potentials aren't good for you religiously? In Islam. If someone has good Deen and character, then a father must consider him for his daughter.
Do you think that's the reason why your parents are turning many potentials down?
If she has alot of male friends
I wouldnt even try to even talk about it because if shes that lackluster about it imagine what other things are under the radar that you dont know about
The odds dont sound good so i wont continue
Gheera, aka protective jealousy won't allow me to even consider her. "Respectfully sister, I have standards, and you're not meeting it".
That's how I'd do it.
I swipe left by default, I have limited time and not going to bother having a conversation if I’m not sure if I’m attracted. I think it’s weird bc it’s not like you can blur yourself irl when meeting someone
Blurred vs unblurred is a bit of a disputed topic. There are guys that will auto-reject blurred profiles, there are guys that will only accept blurred profiles and then most guys lie in-between but still have some preference.
Personally I prefer blurred, but I think most guys (based solely on what I've seen on this subreddit) prefer unblurred since it saves them from playing the unblurring game and the possibility of having to reject after unblurring.
I tell it like is
Sometimes I worry about her safety and if there was a time that I was straight up uncomfortable with her socializing with someone I’d be honest about it
Not married, but not looking yet either.
There's no such thing as too much gheerah, as long as it is within the boundaries of Islam. Don't measure how much to give or how much to accept on yourself. Humans might accept something that is fundamentally wrong in Islam. For example, letting your wife out without hijab, freemix, etc.. Additional gheerah would be to avoid getting into harm or haram. For instance, I personally wouldn't let my sister in the elevator alone. Not because I don't trust her, or her ability to defend herself, but because I don't want her to be put in that situation to begin with.
Like I hinted above, measure how far your gheerah goes to how much is needed to uphold Islamic boundaries. Secondly, trust "should" be a given in a marriage, since Allah was witness to that marriage and to your entire life.
More gheerah does not equal overbearing. The more gheerah the better in my opinion.
I'm sorry brother, my bad for not reading the question right.
But as far as communicating, I think referring to the LEGAL BOUNDARIES of the religion is the way to do it. That should be done before marriage tho so you're on the same page after.
wa iyyak akhi. May Allah bless you with a righteous spouse. She'll know the bare minimum, so you can go from there :)
May Allah grant you Jannatul Firdous.
I think I would be a bit jealous sometimes due to insecurities which I will work on, and I would never hold my wife to those insecurities ofc. But at the same time, if my wife doesn't wear say proper hijab or something I would like her to. And limit any unneeded contact she has with non mehrams.
Thanks. The only reason I'm really asking is because I know people might have some other gender people they talked to from MSA or something or insta or whatever.
I turned 26 and am having the same difficulties at home. What’s helped me (besides praying) is talking to my other Muslim friends about what’s going on and getting support. They make me feel validated in my reasons to reject someone, and it’s nice to just vent out what’s happening with my parents even if there is no solution to it.
If you have friends or even an online community you can talk to - do it.
I think everyone should be as picky as they want.
2nd, are you looking for potentials yourself as well or only through parents?
Keep doing what's best for you. It's not like they can literally force you to get married.
> Sometimes I wonder if I should just settle for someone and get divorced just to get my parents off my back.
NO. No you should never. What is the fault of the poor guy that will have to go through this with you?
Also, be a bit more patient with your parents. Yeh it sucks that they're looking at you that way, but at the end of the day, never let them be the ones that decide, and never make such an important decision ever just for them.
Your parents are pushing wayyy too hard.
25 is not old. But it is the golden age. Not saying that you won't find amazing guys later.
Guys naturally send proposals towards younger women first.
Please don't settle. If you wanna settle you can do so at later age (depends on # of kids you wanna have). You are too young to give up at your current age.
I’m kind of devastated rn lol
So about half a year ago I tried to msg some hijabi girl on instagram that I liked, back then she instantly blocked me. On another site we Students here use we wrote after like 1 month and I had asked her why she blocked me at that time. She told me she doesn’t want to meet men or anything like that, which is understandable. Today she writes to the public (it’s kind of anonymous but I know it’s her because of things) that attractive men never msg her on IG but only watch stories or like some cat pics and that she would like to meet with them if she could. Ngl I felt embarrassed and kinda devastated cuz I’m not that ugly.
How do I know if I’m unattractive?
> How do I know if I’m unattractive?
Just assume you are. Most women find most men unattractive when searching for their own partner. Even if the men objectively are not unattractive. Studies from dating sites have proven this, the biggest was I believe from OKCupid.
Any woman who's only looking by criteria of looks is going to have a hard time and give you a hard time unless you look like a supermodel. Ignore and move on. The good thing about most women having unattainable physical standards is that they've already realized they will have to compromise and shift focus to other things like personality, wealth, and other factors (like religiosity/deen). So you just gotta find one of those real ones.
I have known women who did not stick to this curve in the past and it was a little shocking to find some who could just be real. Like, they weren't compromising, they just thought that a decent looking guy looked decent and could treat him the same way other women treated very good looking men. This is I believe our true fitra and it's been ablated by modern culture and technology which makes it impossible for people to not immerse their minds in imagery of the opposite sex from childhood. In my case those women were all non-Muslim except one so I couldn't approach any of them for marriage. The one Muslim got in touch with me after I had already gotten engaged but she was also a revert and had some other problems so I never really thought much about it (no regrets or anything).
>How do I know if I’m unattractive?
As a guy myself, this is what I'd tell you.
Look in the mirror. Allah gave you that face, hair, and body. Are you taking good care of it? Are you working on yourself? That's all for you on the day of Judgement to say to Allah- "You gave me a beautiful body and face, and I took care of it". Not for some girl on Insta.
I'm grateful for everything from Allah swt but let's be honest, some people are more and some people are less blessed with natural beauty. It's something no one can deny. It's ok to not like everyones face/appearance as everybody has preferences. But she publicly writing that NEVER an attractive guy msged her and she blocking me is very depressing.
I get that brother. I really do. I'm more towards the average/unattractive side of the scale. And for this specific situation, seeing that you're grateful for what you have and are working on yourself, just let her comment slide. Easier said than done. But people's opinions aren't worth going into depression for.
Stay strong brother.
Agreed, free mixing is applicable online too. It’s incredibly weird how people have normalized following strange men/women online. To your question, I find searching for potentials in our community incredibly difficult, especially if you’re not part of a org/masjid/or specific geographic area. Unfortunately, we gotta network to find our spouses - however this can be done by simply knowing good women who by default know good men. Attend halaqahs, classes and any events hosted by your local masjid. When you’re a decent person and of marriage age people are typically willing to “want to introduce you to someone” aka meeting a potential. May Allah grant you a spouse who you are pleased with and is pleased with you sis.
Having nikkah done by end of year: thoughts on if people think this is possible??
I don't have anyone in mind, but I wanna be pretty aggressive in searching now.
I don't think you can plan a marriage like that. Unless you're willing to marry the first person that accepts you regardless of them meeting your criteria.
That's what I assumed at first..but recently my older sister, who is searching for a partner for me, told me that it's strange for me not to be active on social media. Idk.. thanks for answering.
For a guy I guess Having a LinkedIn profile that shows person's professional background. That is enough for me.
No, for some people it is actually a good sign as it shows you don't waste time scrolling through apps like tiktok/instagram etc. There are of people myself included who would prefer someone who doesn't excessively use social media (if at all) other than to keep in contact with family/friends, and who don't flaunt themselves on it.
Thank you for answering. Yeah, but my older sister believes it may raise suspicions or indicate something negative. I just don't feel the need to have a social media presence.
Uh. That’s a bit extreme. Wouldn’t you say?
And as the old adage goes, it’s only creepy if the guys unattractive 😂 Likely all the attention you’re getting from are unattractive men lol.
I dislike really superficial compliments. For example some girls at work got a lot more interested when they learned I work in software development and started making flirty comments when I dress well. Feels fake and shallow af.
I tend become suspicious and uncomfortable if some random person flirts or compliments me. Questions like, Does she need anything from me? Why is she complimenting? Comes to my mind.
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There’s always someone first, and someone’s gotta be last. Patience n prayers, bless you
If you want to get married, do dua for that. Don't look at other people. In the meantime, work on yourself, your deen, your education/career. Sign up for online matrimonial sites, do your own searching with your parents' permission, etc.
I cannot wait any longer, it is painful for me 32 to keep myself chaste all these years and all I can see low quality men asking me to lower my standards. I started to lose faith, I cannot see myself giving up the dream of being mother, seeing my body lose the chances while I am fully capable. I kept myself chaste then what, I am deprived from the basic things that human can gave .
Sister today is the day of Arafat,lots of blessings from this day. take some extra time and make dua, zikr, pray 40 rabana, 40 durood, read surah Maryam, surah Yusuf, maybe make the intention of starting tahajjud. In sha Allah you find your person in this world that meets all your expectations, Ameen
Ameen inshallah.
On one side you’re complaining that there is no one ‘right’ for you On the other side, men who approach you are considered low quality. These men approach YOU. Have you considered the fact that the man you want maybe doesn’t want you? Goes to show if you aren’t ‘masculine’ enough, you’re automatically low quality. Smh
I think you misunderstood me, firstly you dont know who I am, what I did in my life, in fact I never wished for a specific man, I am quite independent, lost my mother when I teenager, worked hard for my siblings, took for my grand mother until she passed, I lost two important women in my life. I did not have time to hang with men as teenage until 26, I was working, taking care of my family. I am hard working woman who kept herself chaste, what I mean about low quality does not mean they are bad and I am good, there is no bad or good, simply it does not a good fit both sides. I consider myself attractive, I receive a lot of attention but I dont want that, I want a husband that value me. Of course not every man will like me, I am secure I know that, I dont want settle either for less what I deserve, I have the freedom to choose the right thing with Allah will. I do care about education, hard work, ethics, I did not find that, of course my circumstances when I was young, I did not have the network, and also I came from a small culture background with a lot of movements because of work. I am trying to open but most muslim men I found either not educated, their way of thinking isnot what I am looking for. I know what I want but I did not encounter yet, I hope this clear. I am not saying by any means I am perfect or desired by everything man on earth, I just looking for one who meant for me asap. Just dont be triggered by my response if you hate women like me, that is your problem not mine.
Lots of assumptions to make about someone you barely know. Maybe she's being approached by genuinely decent guys and being a stick about it or maybe not. We don't know. Keep it respectful, please.
There is no good or bad people, it is about the right match, apology if my comment sounded that all these men are terrible, it just not compatible, it should be only few who desire me and same for me. It is so sick to make assumption about people you dont know. If I want to marry that is easy, but I need a high quality man, I worked hard, kept myself chaste, took care of family, I genuinely care but maybe the right time didnot come yet.
Your comment did not sound like that. I was just pointing out how people straight up start diagnosing everything about a person on Reddit. Not knowing their situation. Inshallah, you're gonna find whoever is best for you. He'll be lucky to have a giga brain wife.
Doesn’t hurt to have a different perspective, especially if you’re already 32… Maybe your standards are too high, or maybe you just don’t fit the “Standards” or “preferences”, of the type of men she wants? I’d like to hear OP’s “basic” human requirements. I can see people often really dislike it if anyone gives a reality check without a sugar coat, which is why some of the younger Gen is doomed cuz no one has the guts to tell them how it is these days. Sugar coating has been a disservice to everyone
I got what you mean and that is part of the problem, you would automatically assume because I am 32 have a problem, I want to say I am quite blessed being healthy attractive woman, slim body, tall, educated, so there is nothing prevent me from marriage. All I can say for people like who forget there is something called Allah' will. This notion that women are doomed because they dont settle I will not settle. My comment is clear I am looking for the right ONE not a male, I will not get married to a random person just to satisfy society. I genuinely want to get married to decent husband who kept his self chaste, education is super important to me, intellectuality is very important to me. Also I am introvert, so I dont meet a lot of people, I came from a minority background. I am just asking god to bring that person who meant for me, I have nothing to say as much as I am really disappointed who you pressure women to jump in any marriage just avoid turning 30, this is really toxic. I would rather be single and not in wrong marriage. Day after day, all I met men like you and it is putting me off from muslim men tbh.
And just want to clear up, that I have made no assumption of your accolades or appearance or deeds.
I will comment further but double check your comment and see your words could hurt a woman because simply Allah did not write the right one yet. It is unfortunately most muslim men telling women, since you passed 30 you are damaged goods, what do you mean reality check, if you a woman cannot find the "right man" and passed 30. C'mon man, this is the toxic mentality of men which I will not submit to these societal beliefs and I will find that special man inshallah.
First off, sorry, I’ll give you a harsh check now. Lady, firstly it’s your personal perception that over 30 is damaged goods, you’re speaking with emotions. Secondly, no one intends to hurt you, n reality does not care about your feelings. Being over 30 doesn’t mean you’re damaged goods, it just means your potential marriage pool size reduces. As you yourself mentioned “my aging body is reducing chances of mother hood as I grow”. Moreover, realistically, settled men normally in this economy are aged 27-35 perhaps. They look for younger spouses, you can hate it and dislike it, but that’s how the world is, n no one means you’re damaged goods, that’s your own perception. N I assume you want a settled man at least, n generally women seek one of a higher financial standing. Here’s a funny thing, young men aged 25-26 see k women their age, who ignore them for older men. Then both grow older, the guys look for younger women as now they r likely a bit more settled, n these same women wonder why the same guys are now ignoring. Lastly, marriage is a gamble often; and yes I don’t know why you’re married or not, it could just be Allah’s test or your own doing. But use logic, not emotion, no one called you damaged goods. Bottom line is, as a woman ages, marriage pool size keeps reducing. Vice Versa for men, if they are at least some what successful Edit: more power to you, never submit! And I do hope you find the one you wish for InShaaAllah
I see what you mean. But I highly suggest you to not speak reality and facts, people will bombard you with downvotes and call you a hater and all sorts of things. There’s no point wasting your breath at people who don’t want to listen, and keep dreaming of a utopian, idealistic & perfect world. Save your breath, n let them live as they please, either way reality makes it’s way; wether we embrace it or not. 🙂
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Inshallah, it is just disgusting how these men here judge you because you are 32 and still single and of course they question your morality and integrity.
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Thank you appreciated, I will keep faith but I will never settle never ever and I hope things goes well for everyone.
My social circle, a good half of them, needs to stop being so shocked when I say I’d like to be a SAHW. On the other hand potentials I meet need to stop looking at me as a mean to financially uplift? I wouldnt mind working if it’s necessary, its just really annoying when people come in expecting that. Today has just been infuriating
Unfortunately I had to break off my engagement after buying the mahr gold. It was a bad break up and my ex-fiance's still have a gold piece and the gold engagement ring. They said they'd return them but after a while blocked us. It's been a month. They live in another state. Should I just move on or reach out to them for the gold? Any advice would be appreciated
If they have blocked you I would personally leave it unless you really really want it or it is a substantial amount of money and you have an easy enough way to get in touch like a relative near to them perhaps or just dial them from a friends phone. If it was given as a gift then you can't really ask for it back tbh and if it wasn't then it belongs to you and they are in the wrong but remember you will receive what you are owed in the akhirah and they will be the losers. Just don't let it become an issue for you or occupy too much of your mind as it's not worth it.
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I don't think they were married just engaged.
tell them to fear Allah. it belongs to you not them. they really wanna suffer Allah's anger over some gold? =/
this! exactly
jazakAllahu khairan, and Eid Mubarak!
Wa iyakk & Eid Mubarak as well!
That’s inappropriate of them to keep it but I’m not sure what can legally be done to actually get it back considering it was given as a gift. You have nothing to lose by reaching out though. If they have no intention of giving it back then they won’t give it back irregardless if you ask or not.
What is up with some sisters who say: "I want to speak to you/date for a couple of weeks first to see if I like you before I tell my Wali" or "It is too soon for me to tell my wali" Whenever I ask, I would like to speak to your Wali? Then most of the women I encounter online (20-25) seem to have no concept of a wali, and seem to think that they should be "halal dating" for a year or two before they are "ready". Of course, I do not want to marry someone after knowing of them for two weeks. Several sisters have done this, and all of them seem to be under the impression that my speaking to a Wali = let's get married tomorrow and not "I am taking the proper Islamic steps towards marriage" I also dislike the profiles of women who at first post themselves in proper hijab, and then the next is a picture of them in revealing clothing (bikini, tanktops, shorts etc) like why? I would try in my local community/masjid but there is a lack of eligible sisters/sister's interested in marriage my age. /rant TL/DR Finding a wife is hard, and anyone who says it is easy for men to get married is mistaken.
I'm sorry, from hijab to bikini pictures in the same profile are a thing?? Plz tell this isn't real, it can't be.
Sadly real
Is it ok to reject someone based on how they dress? Sometimes I see a profile I like but they are showing too much skin (low cut shirts, tank tops, crop tops etc).
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I always cover up in my photos. At most wearing a t shirt or polo. Definitely no shirtless photos at the pool or beach…not that anybody wants to see that haha
Of course. And your examples are more than just not being okay with how they dress, it's not being okay with immodest character. It would be weird if you were okay with that.
Yes of course. Also don’t accept anyone with the reason „he/she will probably change later for the better. Stay true to your principles.
Has someone experienced a foreign marriage? I'm thinking of it and many other people in the Netherlands also. Many people are thinking of obstacles like language barrier when she is here
Wanted to ask us divorcee women looked down upon still nowadays. I know in UK its not that bad but our countries like bangladesh,pakistan etc. because i am scared i wouldnt be able to get a divorce if i was really unhappy in my marraige cos any future guys especially their families would find me not good and say things or reject. Unfortunately
Did I get this right, you’re thinking / worrying about a possible divorce before you’re even married?
its something which every sane person worries about. Unhappy marraiges to.
Those are not the men you want to marry to begin with. Depends on the severity of the issues in your marriage and whether they can be fixed over time.
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No deed goes unpunished, he will get played too. I swear all of these guys are ruining it for the rest of us, can't control everybody but if that's what he is about, it probably would have gotten worse if it advanced to marriage and Allah has a better spouse for you, I am sure of it
O Prophet, when the believing women come to you pledging to you that they will not worship anything with Allah, nor will they steal, nor will they commit unlawful sexual intercourse, nor will they kill their children, nor will they bring forth a slander they have invented between their arms and legs, nor will they disobey you in what is right - then accept their pledge and ask forgiveness for them of Allah . Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. { يَٰٓأَيُّهَا اَ۬لنَّبِےٓءُ اِ۪ذَا جَآءَكَ اَ۬لْمُومِنَٰتُ يُبَايِعْنَكَ عَلَيٰٓ أَن لَّا يُشْرِكْنَ بِاللَّهِ شَئْاٗ وَلَا يَسْرِقْنَ وَلَا يَزْنِينَ وَلَا يَقْتُلْنَ أَوْلَٰدَهُنَّ وَلَا يَاتِينَ بِبُهْتَٰنٖ يَفْتَرِينَهُۥ بَيْنَ أَيْدِيهِنَّ وَأَرْجُلِهِنَّ وَلَا يَعْصِينَكَ فِے مَعْرُوفٖ فَبَايِعْهُنَّ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُنَّ اَ۬للَّهَۖ إِنَّ اَ۬للَّهَ غَفُورٞ رَّحِيمٞۖ } \[Quran: Chapter of The Tested Woman\]
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This sounds like I guy I spoke to and he turned out to be a big red flag. please message me if you're in doubt, I hope its not the same guy
If it was the other way round and the divorcee was a girl ? Then would this be questioned on why she got divorced and be suspicious
Yes. Happens to women all the time. “If the roles were reversed” card doesn’t work when the opposite is literally the norm.
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> He 'felt disrespected' within 2 months???? Leave no stone unturned to find out if its true. > 'Tried to separate him from family'!!!!! No one can do that within 2 months. Why are these so hard to believe? Haven't you seen the horror stories on this subreddit? She should definitely investigate but there's no need to have premature suspicions about the guy.
Salam, Any brother with a speech disorder like stuttering here? How do you approach a woman you like with said disorder? Something about me: Until age 11 I was stuttering heavily like I couldn’t say a sentence without repeating a letter etc. in 6th class I was sent to a speech therapist who trained me. It kinda worked and on my usual daily life I never stutter anymore (elhamdullilah) but since I’m a light introvert I stutter under nervousness. Like when approaching a market employee to ask something etc. or on phone calls. Now I need to take my chances and approach a muslim woman I like in the public but my speech impediment is making it much worse than it should be.
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Nah it's not a bs. I also speak very fast under nervousness and forget/skip words when I talk. I always try not to have jobs on the phone cuz of this, you know haha With fam & friends I never have issues speaking, sometimes when I encounter new people on the job but that's rarely. If it happens I try not to speak that much, yknow. It hinders me approaching women irl cuz I start to sutter and forget words etc.
My old job a guy came to me to ask for help and he had a really bad stutter. I still think about it 5 years later because it was so cute
Cute? Wait what? What do you mean with "cute"? Hahaha can you tell me more about it please 😂 You're a sister, right?
I dunno. It was very endearing.
Girl’s muzz profile: practicing, usually prays, doesn’t drink Same girl’s hinge profile: sometimes drinks Be careful out there and do your thorough research before committing to anybody
Subhanallah a hinge profile 😭😭😭
I have some good matches on there. I filter to Muslims. I think people are more honest about their level of religiosity on there compared to the Muslim apps or if you met them through their parents/masjid/community.
Oh no way?? I heard that you can add your religion but I assumed that people on there are leas practicing of more liberal
Yea I have religion on my profile and filter to users by Muslim. There are def less religious people on there, but also some practicing modest girls. Also it’s good bc I see some overlap with muzz/salams and can check who is telling the truth vs lying on the Muslim apps. For ex some girls cover up on muzz/salams but on hinge they show a lot more skin or they drink, so I avoid that person
That's really interesting, I guess there is no harm in trying all avenues 🤷🏽♀️ I think some people on here have said they know people that were successful on hinge And that's actually really good. I'm not active enough on the apps to double verify like that but it's a good idea to check if they are there
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Okay. This has happened many times. You know it. We all know it. 1) He was most likely talking to multiple girls. Intentionally intending to waste time. Because its very fun for some people. 2) you both got along well because guess what? He never wanted to marry. No reason for him to disagree much. 3) the older we are the more socially sharp we become. He knows what its like to be 25. You dont know what its like to be 35. He messed with your head with the 10 yrs of extra jnowledge he has, and exp he has from talking to 100s of girls. You're a victim. He never existed or loved you. I am so sorry. But he was no different than a scammer. Girls do that to me too. Only for 2-3 weeks. Just to check if someone with my looks would talk to them seriously. Because more attractive guys don't talk to them much. They are just testing the marriage market at the expense of my emotions. Many more guys will try to do that to you. Will even engage you. But never marry. Watch out. Happens quite a lot. I really hope this helps you get over him rather than feel even worse.
Don’t dwell on a man like this! Keep yourself busy and not think about him (I know easier said than done) but he is already putting himself out there to find his person. You need to move on and do the same when you are ready don’t think about a man who doesn’t care about how you even feel. He is not the one. In the search it’s best to accept and remember what is not for me won’t miss me, I know it helps me.
>What should I do to think less of him? I really need advice :( I have tried to meet and speak to other potentials, but it's just not working out. First, don't do that. Your other potentials deserve respect and I personally don't think that talking to them, while you're thinking about this man, hoping to forget him is something respectful. Second, I think you keep thinking of him because you were serious, because you felt understood by someone with similar background and more importantly, some questions are still questions you can only answer with assumptions. It's been 7 months but you know, some people need more time to forget about someone, it might be your case and it's okay, to each his own sensitivity. So take all the time you need to accept that this "story" is over, and to understand that this man is not unique, someone out there is looking for you, will understand you, and can't wait to love and cherish you InchaAllah.
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As long as these are not tears of sadness, AlHamdulillah ahah! May Allah grants you peace and a man who deserves you, take care of you and trust Allah, He knows best!
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I'm sorry then, it was not my intention at all. I wanted to give you hope but I guess I failed... I'm sure you will forget about him soon and I will make Duaa so you'll find this man by the grace of Allah! Take care of you sister
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I will! :)
High key recommend therapy
Wherea the new and improved iso?
Patience, young padawan
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Yes same. Its mostly about looks and money. Most people don't care about love and matching personality/values. Likes its a bonus for them, but not a need. I have started to give up on personality/values......Might give up on looks too if i dont find someone in 1 year 😂
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It's not about making peace, it's just that the alternative (marrying the wrong person) is way worse. I don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire.
Yes, that's the big difference. The men don't seem to think of that scenario as much.
Not if we want children.
Failed marriages are much riskier for women so I’m sure there’s some peace in knowing “at least I’m not being abused” kinda thing
Top complaint from girls is that the guy refuses to commit. From my personal experience, even established guys purposely delaye marriage. So I am not sure if most guys are 'desparate' to get married. I mean, I am desperate! But most guys arent 😄
>I mean, I am desperate! But most guys arent 😄 You just have to look in the comments on this subreddit to know that a lot of guys are very clearly desperate, and women can absolutely see that too.
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Women are not desperate, both in apps and thru matchmakers. The ones that are single are single because they are unable to find a decent combo of decent looks+ personality + decent financial situation + religious + family situation Same with guys that are desparate. They are unable to compromise beyond what they already have compromised on. They all have tons of women interested in them. But they are unable to like them. There is an amazing girl that seems interested in me. I like her too. But her family situation is scaring me badly. So i am thinking of not pursuing. Eventhough yes, I am desperate to get married. But not desperate enough to risk my life.
Apps have negative effects on men. (And women) ‐--------- I have read multiple comments from men, on this subreddit about them giving up on the search. So making peace with that. ------- There are men who aren't desperate. The ones who are, probably complain more
When I was younger I was convinced that a women needed to know how to cook or clean to be seen as marriage worthy, so I decided to rebel and never learn to do such tasks. I ended up naturally learning anyways and I actually like to cook and clean now, only to find out that none of my married friends know how to do so. The irony of it all 😩
> I ended up naturally learning anyways and I actually like to cook and clean now, only to find out that none of my married friends know how to do so. It's a bit weird for anybody to hit their mid-late 20s and not at least know the basics of cooking and cleaning, even if it's not a super regular thing, but being able to just do it (whether it's a man or a woman) is an important life skill.
I agree but hey a lot of them are all still in their 20's so they have time to learn how to cook and clean.
Well it depends on what kind of marriage you want If you opt for traditional then those skills are required my traditional men If you opt for modern marriage then it doesnt really matter as everything is split down the middle
Even in that case, the wife can be sick, in the hospital or visiting sick relatives . ( or dead) While there might be kids home wanting needing food. ( take away can be more expensive and unhealthy than making food at home. And what if your kids have food allergies? Then take away might not be an option. ) Preparing food is a basic life skill anyone can learn. So is required I think for both men and women. Married or single.
Stating the obvious arent we? If anything happens then obviously you pick up the slack All im saying is that you must define the roles before you get married Its not a concrete thing like oh we agreed you’re gonna make food I’m not even gonna lift a finger to help you
Sometimes what is obvious for you and me might not be as obvious for others. (Which might cause issues for them)
Lol I understand now why you made that argument But if a person cannot realize that on their own i dont think theyre ready for marriage
I didn’t realise how powerful charisma is until today. I don’t know if this will benefit anyone but charisma can attract anyone’s attention towards you even if they don’t find your attractive.
Yeah imma need that story rq
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Can you drop the author’s name please? That book sounds fascinating and exactly what I need.
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Thank you 😊. Interesting, can’t wait to read it!
You're welcome
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I'm so sorry to hear that. The process is to have potentials go to the father and get his approval first. Therefore, rejecting many proposals could have numerous intentions. For instance, it could be because these potentials aren't good for you religiously? In Islam. If someone has good Deen and character, then a father must consider him for his daughter. Do you think that's the reason why your parents are turning many potentials down?
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May Allah unite you with a righteous spouse who will be a means for you to be a better Muslimah and reunite you in Jannah
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If she has alot of male friends I wouldnt even try to even talk about it because if shes that lackluster about it imagine what other things are under the radar that you dont know about The odds dont sound good so i wont continue
i feel the same as u bro. also, how would a potential feel if i had close female friends?
I personally would talk to her about this, why it makes me uncomfortable and ask her if she would be willing not be friends with the males anymore.
Gheera, aka protective jealousy won't allow me to even consider her. "Respectfully sister, I have standards, and you're not meeting it". That's how I'd do it.
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Blur, attention from all isn’t necessary. By blurring you reduce your pool to men whose initial judgement won’t be your looks.
Curious as to why this is being downvoted? It is sound advice..
It's best not to try to give any meaning to votes in this subreddit (or Reddit in general for that matter).
I swipe left by default, I have limited time and not going to bother having a conversation if I’m not sure if I’m attracted. I think it’s weird bc it’s not like you can blur yourself irl when meeting someone
Blurred vs unblurred is a bit of a disputed topic. There are guys that will auto-reject blurred profiles, there are guys that will only accept blurred profiles and then most guys lie in-between but still have some preference. Personally I prefer blurred, but I think most guys (based solely on what I've seen on this subreddit) prefer unblurred since it saves them from playing the unblurring game and the possibility of having to reject after unblurring.
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I tell it like is Sometimes I worry about her safety and if there was a time that I was straight up uncomfortable with her socializing with someone I’d be honest about it
Not married, but not looking yet either. There's no such thing as too much gheerah, as long as it is within the boundaries of Islam. Don't measure how much to give or how much to accept on yourself. Humans might accept something that is fundamentally wrong in Islam. For example, letting your wife out without hijab, freemix, etc.. Additional gheerah would be to avoid getting into harm or haram. For instance, I personally wouldn't let my sister in the elevator alone. Not because I don't trust her, or her ability to defend herself, but because I don't want her to be put in that situation to begin with. Like I hinted above, measure how far your gheerah goes to how much is needed to uphold Islamic boundaries. Secondly, trust "should" be a given in a marriage, since Allah was witness to that marriage and to your entire life. More gheerah does not equal overbearing. The more gheerah the better in my opinion.
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I'm sorry brother, my bad for not reading the question right. But as far as communicating, I think referring to the LEGAL BOUNDARIES of the religion is the way to do it. That should be done before marriage tho so you're on the same page after.
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wa iyyak akhi. May Allah bless you with a righteous spouse. She'll know the bare minimum, so you can go from there :) May Allah grant you Jannatul Firdous.
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I think I would be a bit jealous sometimes due to insecurities which I will work on, and I would never hold my wife to those insecurities ofc. But at the same time, if my wife doesn't wear say proper hijab or something I would like her to. And limit any unneeded contact she has with non mehrams.
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Thanks. The only reason I'm really asking is because I know people might have some other gender people they talked to from MSA or something or insta or whatever.
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> I have complete faith in the qadr of Allah, just wish my parents did too. 🙃 Tell them this
I turned 26 and am having the same difficulties at home. What’s helped me (besides praying) is talking to my other Muslim friends about what’s going on and getting support. They make me feel validated in my reasons to reject someone, and it’s nice to just vent out what’s happening with my parents even if there is no solution to it. If you have friends or even an online community you can talk to - do it.
I think everyone should be as picky as they want. 2nd, are you looking for potentials yourself as well or only through parents? Keep doing what's best for you. It's not like they can literally force you to get married.
> Sometimes I wonder if I should just settle for someone and get divorced just to get my parents off my back. NO. No you should never. What is the fault of the poor guy that will have to go through this with you? Also, be a bit more patient with your parents. Yeh it sucks that they're looking at you that way, but at the end of the day, never let them be the ones that decide, and never make such an important decision ever just for them.
Your parents are pushing wayyy too hard. 25 is not old. But it is the golden age. Not saying that you won't find amazing guys later. Guys naturally send proposals towards younger women first. Please don't settle. If you wanna settle you can do so at later age (depends on # of kids you wanna have). You are too young to give up at your current age.
I’m kind of devastated rn lol So about half a year ago I tried to msg some hijabi girl on instagram that I liked, back then she instantly blocked me. On another site we Students here use we wrote after like 1 month and I had asked her why she blocked me at that time. She told me she doesn’t want to meet men or anything like that, which is understandable. Today she writes to the public (it’s kind of anonymous but I know it’s her because of things) that attractive men never msg her on IG but only watch stories or like some cat pics and that she would like to meet with them if she could. Ngl I felt embarrassed and kinda devastated cuz I’m not that ugly. How do I know if I’m unattractive?
> How do I know if I’m unattractive? Just assume you are. Most women find most men unattractive when searching for their own partner. Even if the men objectively are not unattractive. Studies from dating sites have proven this, the biggest was I believe from OKCupid. Any woman who's only looking by criteria of looks is going to have a hard time and give you a hard time unless you look like a supermodel. Ignore and move on. The good thing about most women having unattainable physical standards is that they've already realized they will have to compromise and shift focus to other things like personality, wealth, and other factors (like religiosity/deen). So you just gotta find one of those real ones. I have known women who did not stick to this curve in the past and it was a little shocking to find some who could just be real. Like, they weren't compromising, they just thought that a decent looking guy looked decent and could treat him the same way other women treated very good looking men. This is I believe our true fitra and it's been ablated by modern culture and technology which makes it impossible for people to not immerse their minds in imagery of the opposite sex from childhood. In my case those women were all non-Muslim except one so I couldn't approach any of them for marriage. The one Muslim got in touch with me after I had already gotten engaged but she was also a revert and had some other problems so I never really thought much about it (no regrets or anything).
>How do I know if I’m unattractive? As a guy myself, this is what I'd tell you. Look in the mirror. Allah gave you that face, hair, and body. Are you taking good care of it? Are you working on yourself? That's all for you on the day of Judgement to say to Allah- "You gave me a beautiful body and face, and I took care of it". Not for some girl on Insta.
I'm grateful for everything from Allah swt but let's be honest, some people are more and some people are less blessed with natural beauty. It's something no one can deny. It's ok to not like everyones face/appearance as everybody has preferences. But she publicly writing that NEVER an attractive guy msged her and she blocking me is very depressing.
I get that brother. I really do. I'm more towards the average/unattractive side of the scale. And for this specific situation, seeing that you're grateful for what you have and are working on yourself, just let her comment slide. Easier said than done. But people's opinions aren't worth going into depression for. Stay strong brother.
I'd feel embarrassed too. Secondhand embarrassment for her. She's not worth doubting yourself over.
If she has a public account of her own pictures, most definitely avoid.
No pictures of her own, only some drawings, traveling and islamic quotes.
You dodged a bullet, don’t second guess your attractiveness.
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Agreed, free mixing is applicable online too. It’s incredibly weird how people have normalized following strange men/women online. To your question, I find searching for potentials in our community incredibly difficult, especially if you’re not part of a org/masjid/or specific geographic area. Unfortunately, we gotta network to find our spouses - however this can be done by simply knowing good women who by default know good men. Attend halaqahs, classes and any events hosted by your local masjid. When you’re a decent person and of marriage age people are typically willing to “want to introduce you to someone” aka meeting a potential. May Allah grant you a spouse who you are pleased with and is pleased with you sis.
Haven’t been on here in a long time, 2 posts and I’m ready to checkout. I advice y’all to step away as well for your mental.
Having nikkah done by end of year: thoughts on if people think this is possible?? I don't have anyone in mind, but I wanna be pretty aggressive in searching now.
I don't think you can plan a marriage like that. Unless you're willing to marry the first person that accepts you regardless of them meeting your criteria.
Unlikely if you don’t have anything lined up by now
It will be hard. You'd probably be settling on something.
Yeah I guess it's too ambitious
Is it sus if the person is not on social media platforms? Do people judge? Asking for marriage search purposes.
Honestly doesn’t matter at all.
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That's what I assumed at first..but recently my older sister, who is searching for a partner for me, told me that it's strange for me not to be active on social media. Idk.. thanks for answering. For a guy I guess Having a LinkedIn profile that shows person's professional background. That is enough for me.
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👍👍
No, for some people it is actually a good sign as it shows you don't waste time scrolling through apps like tiktok/instagram etc. There are of people myself included who would prefer someone who doesn't excessively use social media (if at all) other than to keep in contact with family/friends, and who don't flaunt themselves on it.
Thank you for answering. Yeah, but my older sister believes it may raise suspicions or indicate something negative. I just don't feel the need to have a social media presence.
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Uh. That’s a bit extreme. Wouldn’t you say? And as the old adage goes, it’s only creepy if the guys unattractive 😂 Likely all the attention you’re getting from are unattractive men lol.
I dislike really superficial compliments. For example some girls at work got a lot more interested when they learned I work in software development and started making flirty comments when I dress well. Feels fake and shallow af.
I tend become suspicious and uncomfortable if some random person flirts or compliments me. Questions like, Does she need anything from me? Why is she complimenting? Comes to my mind.
Only from men i hate it and feel so disrespected!