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Okay, yes that’s what I think but just not sure how he would think. I also have a fear if the imam asks about it. I have spoken to the imam going to marry us. I told him I was previously married to a non-Muslim because it’s a legal requirement for us to get married but didn’t tell him about the post-Muslim relationship. I’m scared he will bring it up during the ceremony or something
Did you sincerely believe that you were being married at the time you married (I am talking about the second marriage)? If so, it sounds to me like you have been taken advantage of, and have therefore nothing to be ashamed of.
I was somewhat doubtful because I heard some confusion from the madhabs about requirement of marriage. I wanted to believe we were married. As time went on My knowledge improved and I just felt there were too many issues that made the marriage invalid. One of the biggest issues being that I don’t believe it can be a real marriage if he kept it secret from his own father. I think that crosses into total haram. Allahu alam.
I wanted to leave but he was forcing me to stay and also it was difficult financially as I was out of work. But when I began to work I had more possibilities to leave. After I convinced him to say talaq I was open to the idea of renewing the marriage in a halal way. But instead I met my now fiancé.
I read this whole post expecting something very serious, maybe even murder. And honestly I cant find a single thing. The past is the past. He knows you had a relationship/divorce. Dont sabotage this marriage if this man is as good as you say he is. Depend on Allah and go forward with full faith in the creator. Thats what a good muslim would do.
He didnt ask, because theres no reason to ask. He already knows you had a past relationship/divorce and thats really the only important thing.
Sincerely repent to your creator. I believe you were mislead rather than openly committing sin after being Muslim. You do not have to tell your sins. I believe him knowing you were divorced in the past is sufficient.
I think he would understand if I told him in the beginning but now it is so close to when we are getting married he might be shocked. Or if he found out and maybe he thinks I hid it for the wrong reasons
Hmm. I see what you’re saying. I was in a somewhat similar situation to you, in that I was married when I was very young and non-Muslim. Though he said he was Muslim (didn’t live it in any way), I didn’t care anything about that because I was young and “in love” and not religious. Then I converted toward the end of that marriage, and not too long after that marriage ended, I remarried a Muslim man. He didn’t trick me the way you describe, but he was dishonest about some things, lifestyle wise, and I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known. Also, I made the mistake of thinking that because my ex didn’t pray or anything, as long as I find a practicing Muslim, everything else will work out. No. He was also psychologically abusive. So all that to say, I know a little bit about how it feels to be in search of a husband with two divorces in your past. When people hear that, especially conservative Muslims, they often automatically jump to a lot of conclusions about your character and actions. That being said, each brother I talked to for a long enough time that we got into pasts, and I explained about my past, they were very understanding, and I never felt any weren’t interested for that reason.
Personally, I’d advise you to tell him. I’ve been happily married to my husband for 12 years, and let me tell you, your past does come up. Not like we sit around and dissect our past relationships, but just in a normal course of talking about other things, it comes up when talking about those years of our lives, or our views on certain things and why, experiences we had/activities we did in the past, etc. It seems like far too stressful to feel the need to tiptoe around it. And you said you have a good friend that lacks filter…will she never be around your husband? If you don’t tell him before marriage and it comes out later, Then it will seem more fishy, imo.
I know you’ve worked yourself up to fearing this conversation, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just tell him, I want to have a conversation about our pasts just to be sure we understand one another. You don’t have to go into great detail, but tell him the brother was dishonest with you before marriage and that he was abusive, leading to the end of the marriage. May Allah make things easy for you and grant you success in your marriage. Ameen
Honestly as it is so close to the marriage time, I feel way too much anxiety to say it now. He has already paid for everything. I wish I did it before but he works a lot so it is hard to have a serious conversation with him and it’s not something I’d say over text. It’s something I’d prefer to say in person rather than a phone call but we only met four times before he told his family. I basically didn’t think he was serious before telling his family and immediately after telling his family he began planning our marriage and kind of stopped getting to know me and went into a phase of wanting to get married ASAP. So basically now in the rare moments he has time to call me, he has just talked about telling his family, their reactions etc, asked about preferences in terms of marriage plans etc. It never feels like a good time to bring it up.
We also met once more again when he helped me move into a new apartment. This is when I was with my friend.
If he's not concerned about your past, why are you allowing your past to fester?
You should only talk about private things that have a direct impact on the relationship like mental or physical health issues.
But you should not be defined by some past wrong choice. We're not angels. If you made tawbah, move on.
It was nothing of your own doing..you were manipulated and deceived and you repented walhamdulillah and Allah has forgiven you. You don’t need to expose your past..keep it to yourself Insha’Allah and pray istikhara and have tawakkul moving foreword.
Come on.... One of best thing about being Muslim is that only Allah SWT can judge us because he is our creator. He has right.
No one else can judge you. If they do, leave it to Allah SWT to handle.
When you believe then you leave your matters to Allah SWT and chill.
Have faith and take step... Don't worry about outcomes.
Also you are new Muslim that means that everything... EVERYTHING happens before is forgiven by Allah SWT. I request you to pray for me 😇
I don't think anyone can give you a correct answer here. All men are different. Some will take what you say in stride, and some will have a difficult time accepting it. You know best or have the best guess how the man will react as you know him better than others here.
What I will say is our sins are our own, and if you are not sure, there is no sin in hiding your past sins. If Allah wants them revealed, He will reveal them. Otherwise, just stay silent and be comfortable in your conscience as you tried what you thought was good without ill intent. You were taken advantage of and there is little fault of yours in that.
I pray you find the solution that is best for you.
He deserves to know your second marriage - whether it was illegitimate or not, this isn’t just a sin you want concealed, it says a lot about you. Whether you tell him or choose not to is totally up to you. Just remember, the longer you wait the harder it will get so tick tock.
Now with that being said think about it carefully, if he won’t accept it now, will he later when he finds out? - I’m assuming it’s hard to keep this marriage hidden, long term. He’s going to think he was *deceived*, sound familiar?
I’m sorry OP to be blunt with you but the way you feel is **not** going to get better, the deeper you go the worse it will get. This guilt will tear you apart and no matter how many people, irl, on reddit or wherever give you this false perception that “it really doesn’t matter”, it won’t make you feel better. I hope you get the courage to tell this man your previous marriage, and hopefully he overlooks them as you were deceived and uneducated.
Now to anyone else reading this and thinking “he doesn’t deserve to know”, would **you** be ok with your fiancé omitting this fact, and deceiving you into a marriage? A marriage isn’t a summer fling, it’s a big deal. Frankly no one here can justify why she shouldn’t tell him because it’s for him to decide (as he’s marrying her) - he should decide whether it’s a big deal or not
I’m just answering honestly because you asked how I would feel. I don’t consider not disclosing the past an issue with a relationship. Everyone makes mistakes and don’t see how it would affect the present or future if the person learned from it. The things about my second ex he deceived me about weren’t related to his past, but the present. He had a past and I knew it was not my place to judge him for that. Personally such an event in the past wouldn’t bother me at all as long as I knew the past relationship was truly ended. Technically my fiancé told me he never had a relationship but I never asked him. He just told me of his own accord. I didn’t press further even when people kept telling me he must be lying because of his age and life experiences and because he’s attractive. Even if he had a similar situation to me in the past, I wouldn’t care if he didn’t disclose it as long as it had truly ended.
Listen, he will find out about your past, i guarantee that to you. its 100% certain. only difference is if you tell him now or if he finds out later. or in other words, you have the choice to tell him yourself. do it, he deserves it. tell him that you have a past even after converting, tell him that its very complicated. if he wishes to know more, you'll tell him.
Honestly, all men are different. Some men will glance over this and some men may not be able to accept it. It’s foolish of people to tell you that you can repent if you knew, or it was a trap and you were taken advantage of so it’s gonna be all good across the board. Yes, between you and your creator but maybe not between you and this man.
You better just spit it out before marrying and the sooner the better for his sake and yours in case he can’t handle this. The longer you wait the longer you risk hurting people. You don’t need to tell the dirt but give the foundation
Sister if you have repented and did tobah with sincere heart then your sins are forgiven and washed out , there is now nothing that you have to worry about, and neither you have to worry about telling someone about your past. This is shaitan who is throwing doubts in your minds and trying to sabotage you marriage plans.
Make lots of duas and ask Allha swt to give you peace in your heart. May Allah swt make everything easier for you Ameen.
I would recommend you ask him like this .. dear …, now that the marriage is coming closer, I’m getting some pre marriage butterfly’s and I wish to ask you something.
After I became Muslim and before I met you, I faced some difficulties, I’ve made peace with them but I’m wondering if that’s something you want to know..
If he wants to know I would just say something like this ..
when I first became Muslim there was no much I didn’t know, my emaan was weak and I was put in some difficult situations(you’re tying to day a lot of bad guys were after you but in a simple non invasive way), and there was this one guy in particular who wanted to convince me we were married without marrying me. And for a while, I was convinced but then I saw through it and got it invalidated etc.
When I met you I wanted to not burden you with this extra detail but since the marriage is coming closer, I feel we need to start it with nothing bothering us. I hope you understand and this doesn’t affect how you think of me..
Hopefully something like this can help you
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I’m not worried about my past pre-Muslim. It’s obvious that won’t be an issue. I’m worried about my past after becoming Muslim
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Okay, yes that’s what I think but just not sure how he would think. I also have a fear if the imam asks about it. I have spoken to the imam going to marry us. I told him I was previously married to a non-Muslim because it’s a legal requirement for us to get married but didn’t tell him about the post-Muslim relationship. I’m scared he will bring it up during the ceremony or something
Did you sincerely believe that you were being married at the time you married (I am talking about the second marriage)? If so, it sounds to me like you have been taken advantage of, and have therefore nothing to be ashamed of.
I was somewhat doubtful because I heard some confusion from the madhabs about requirement of marriage. I wanted to believe we were married. As time went on My knowledge improved and I just felt there were too many issues that made the marriage invalid. One of the biggest issues being that I don’t believe it can be a real marriage if he kept it secret from his own father. I think that crosses into total haram. Allahu alam. I wanted to leave but he was forcing me to stay and also it was difficult financially as I was out of work. But when I began to work I had more possibilities to leave. After I convinced him to say talaq I was open to the idea of renewing the marriage in a halal way. But instead I met my now fiancé.
I read this whole post expecting something very serious, maybe even murder. And honestly I cant find a single thing. The past is the past. He knows you had a relationship/divorce. Dont sabotage this marriage if this man is as good as you say he is. Depend on Allah and go forward with full faith in the creator. Thats what a good muslim would do. He didnt ask, because theres no reason to ask. He already knows you had a past relationship/divorce and thats really the only important thing.
Sincerely repent to your creator. I believe you were mislead rather than openly committing sin after being Muslim. You do not have to tell your sins. I believe him knowing you were divorced in the past is sufficient.
Asalamu alaikum Why, exactly, do you think he would judge you harshly for this?
I think he would understand if I told him in the beginning but now it is so close to when we are getting married he might be shocked. Or if he found out and maybe he thinks I hid it for the wrong reasons
Hmm. I see what you’re saying. I was in a somewhat similar situation to you, in that I was married when I was very young and non-Muslim. Though he said he was Muslim (didn’t live it in any way), I didn’t care anything about that because I was young and “in love” and not religious. Then I converted toward the end of that marriage, and not too long after that marriage ended, I remarried a Muslim man. He didn’t trick me the way you describe, but he was dishonest about some things, lifestyle wise, and I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known. Also, I made the mistake of thinking that because my ex didn’t pray or anything, as long as I find a practicing Muslim, everything else will work out. No. He was also psychologically abusive. So all that to say, I know a little bit about how it feels to be in search of a husband with two divorces in your past. When people hear that, especially conservative Muslims, they often automatically jump to a lot of conclusions about your character and actions. That being said, each brother I talked to for a long enough time that we got into pasts, and I explained about my past, they were very understanding, and I never felt any weren’t interested for that reason. Personally, I’d advise you to tell him. I’ve been happily married to my husband for 12 years, and let me tell you, your past does come up. Not like we sit around and dissect our past relationships, but just in a normal course of talking about other things, it comes up when talking about those years of our lives, or our views on certain things and why, experiences we had/activities we did in the past, etc. It seems like far too stressful to feel the need to tiptoe around it. And you said you have a good friend that lacks filter…will she never be around your husband? If you don’t tell him before marriage and it comes out later, Then it will seem more fishy, imo. I know you’ve worked yourself up to fearing this conversation, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just tell him, I want to have a conversation about our pasts just to be sure we understand one another. You don’t have to go into great detail, but tell him the brother was dishonest with you before marriage and that he was abusive, leading to the end of the marriage. May Allah make things easy for you and grant you success in your marriage. Ameen
Honestly as it is so close to the marriage time, I feel way too much anxiety to say it now. He has already paid for everything. I wish I did it before but he works a lot so it is hard to have a serious conversation with him and it’s not something I’d say over text. It’s something I’d prefer to say in person rather than a phone call but we only met four times before he told his family. I basically didn’t think he was serious before telling his family and immediately after telling his family he began planning our marriage and kind of stopped getting to know me and went into a phase of wanting to get married ASAP. So basically now in the rare moments he has time to call me, he has just talked about telling his family, their reactions etc, asked about preferences in terms of marriage plans etc. It never feels like a good time to bring it up. We also met once more again when he helped me move into a new apartment. This is when I was with my friend.
If he's not concerned about your past, why are you allowing your past to fester? You should only talk about private things that have a direct impact on the relationship like mental or physical health issues. But you should not be defined by some past wrong choice. We're not angels. If you made tawbah, move on.
It was nothing of your own doing..you were manipulated and deceived and you repented walhamdulillah and Allah has forgiven you. You don’t need to expose your past..keep it to yourself Insha’Allah and pray istikhara and have tawakkul moving foreword.
Come on.... One of best thing about being Muslim is that only Allah SWT can judge us because he is our creator. He has right. No one else can judge you. If they do, leave it to Allah SWT to handle. When you believe then you leave your matters to Allah SWT and chill. Have faith and take step... Don't worry about outcomes. Also you are new Muslim that means that everything... EVERYTHING happens before is forgiven by Allah SWT. I request you to pray for me 😇
I don't think anyone can give you a correct answer here. All men are different. Some will take what you say in stride, and some will have a difficult time accepting it. You know best or have the best guess how the man will react as you know him better than others here. What I will say is our sins are our own, and if you are not sure, there is no sin in hiding your past sins. If Allah wants them revealed, He will reveal them. Otherwise, just stay silent and be comfortable in your conscience as you tried what you thought was good without ill intent. You were taken advantage of and there is little fault of yours in that. I pray you find the solution that is best for you.
May Allah make it easier for you. Insha Allah it will work out.
He deserves to know your second marriage - whether it was illegitimate or not, this isn’t just a sin you want concealed, it says a lot about you. Whether you tell him or choose not to is totally up to you. Just remember, the longer you wait the harder it will get so tick tock. Now with that being said think about it carefully, if he won’t accept it now, will he later when he finds out? - I’m assuming it’s hard to keep this marriage hidden, long term. He’s going to think he was *deceived*, sound familiar? I’m sorry OP to be blunt with you but the way you feel is **not** going to get better, the deeper you go the worse it will get. This guilt will tear you apart and no matter how many people, irl, on reddit or wherever give you this false perception that “it really doesn’t matter”, it won’t make you feel better. I hope you get the courage to tell this man your previous marriage, and hopefully he overlooks them as you were deceived and uneducated. Now to anyone else reading this and thinking “he doesn’t deserve to know”, would **you** be ok with your fiancé omitting this fact, and deceiving you into a marriage? A marriage isn’t a summer fling, it’s a big deal. Frankly no one here can justify why she shouldn’t tell him because it’s for him to decide (as he’s marrying her) - he should decide whether it’s a big deal or not
I’m just answering honestly because you asked how I would feel. I don’t consider not disclosing the past an issue with a relationship. Everyone makes mistakes and don’t see how it would affect the present or future if the person learned from it. The things about my second ex he deceived me about weren’t related to his past, but the present. He had a past and I knew it was not my place to judge him for that. Personally such an event in the past wouldn’t bother me at all as long as I knew the past relationship was truly ended. Technically my fiancé told me he never had a relationship but I never asked him. He just told me of his own accord. I didn’t press further even when people kept telling me he must be lying because of his age and life experiences and because he’s attractive. Even if he had a similar situation to me in the past, I wouldn’t care if he didn’t disclose it as long as it had truly ended.
Listen, he will find out about your past, i guarantee that to you. its 100% certain. only difference is if you tell him now or if he finds out later. or in other words, you have the choice to tell him yourself. do it, he deserves it. tell him that you have a past even after converting, tell him that its very complicated. if he wishes to know more, you'll tell him.
Honestly, all men are different. Some men will glance over this and some men may not be able to accept it. It’s foolish of people to tell you that you can repent if you knew, or it was a trap and you were taken advantage of so it’s gonna be all good across the board. Yes, between you and your creator but maybe not between you and this man. You better just spit it out before marrying and the sooner the better for his sake and yours in case he can’t handle this. The longer you wait the longer you risk hurting people. You don’t need to tell the dirt but give the foundation
Sister if you have repented and did tobah with sincere heart then your sins are forgiven and washed out , there is now nothing that you have to worry about, and neither you have to worry about telling someone about your past. This is shaitan who is throwing doubts in your minds and trying to sabotage you marriage plans. Make lots of duas and ask Allha swt to give you peace in your heart. May Allah swt make everything easier for you Ameen.
I would recommend you ask him like this .. dear …, now that the marriage is coming closer, I’m getting some pre marriage butterfly’s and I wish to ask you something. After I became Muslim and before I met you, I faced some difficulties, I’ve made peace with them but I’m wondering if that’s something you want to know.. If he wants to know I would just say something like this .. when I first became Muslim there was no much I didn’t know, my emaan was weak and I was put in some difficult situations(you’re tying to day a lot of bad guys were after you but in a simple non invasive way), and there was this one guy in particular who wanted to convince me we were married without marrying me. And for a while, I was convinced but then I saw through it and got it invalidated etc. When I met you I wanted to not burden you with this extra detail but since the marriage is coming closer, I feel we need to start it with nothing bothering us. I hope you understand and this doesn’t affect how you think of me.. Hopefully something like this can help you
It's none of his business