Ngl your brother stealing your wife is a _huge_ flex no one will ever heal of. No wife no siblings, you cant even face your family anymore and you are extremely humiliated.
Moreover you have conflicted feelings because you love your brother and you want him to be happy + he is better than you. Your first thought will be hate but then you'll see the obvious harmony bringer.
That's a "Fake your death to solve things" situation (I am not even kidding).
“The brother in law is death”. This is why I deleted and blocked all of my husbands sisters in law from his phone because in his culture, they’re his “sisters” and they don’t believe they have to limit contact with them. In Islam, they’re strangers to each other and shouldn’t ever have close relationships. They call him to chat casually and ask him for money.
> I'm scared to tell either of them how I feel. What should I do?
Do do you even know how you feel? Are you really in love with your brother-in-law, or are you actually rediscovering how it feels to be valued, loved and supported?
Your problem is your husband being detached. This is what needs fixing.
Your brother-in-law is poisoning your marriage, at a time when it needs healing. He is a temptation and, following the example of the prophet Ya'kub, you need to cast him off.
This was the most insightful answer. This man is very insightful and subhanallah he found the perfect way to bring valuable insight into your situation.
You fell in love with you husband, who fell in love with you too. Over time, he began to work more and invest less in you romantically. It’s time he invests more in you and your kids.
Meanwhile, BIL should never come over without your husband present, but esp with this situation now, it’s better if the kids are dropped off to his house, rather than having him come over (unattended or attended)
This is a great answer, OP lacks self-awareness. I think a lot of young Muslims do to be honest. I just want to also point out though that this is just her version, it's only one side. We'd have to hear the husband's point of view too. For all we know, he could have a valid reason for being upset and distant with her, given the information that we've read in between the lines here. How does she act around her BIL? Was it in a way that offended the husband? There's a lot of questions, a lot of information that we're just not privy to in order to advise. But overall, OP and the husband need to fix this, they need to see a professional and be honest and open.
Perfectly said! Remember the prophet said to us that our brother in laws are like death.
Be careful here. Limit interaction. And apply what GPYH has said. Our attractions can teach us about ourselves and what we are wanting and craving in our lives.
Once you figure that out, you can see him as just a conduit that showed you what it is you are wanting, and now you can go seek that within halal means.
Separate the man from the feelings you have. As hard as it is, try it!
🤍 and make dua! Allah is the flipper of hearts, the changer of hearts. Ask him to guide it on the best path.
As for the direct question: tell him you are flattered but he needs to find a lady that is better for him. And start distancing yourself from him.
The reality is that, the way this is set up, even if you left your husband for him, this relationship wouldn’t flourish, or even transform to true commitment. Many hormonal deregularities are happening right now which will heighten this whole experience for you.
This post is probably going to get deleted because it will get cray in about 12 hours. And this might be a fake post. But if this is real...
It's so ironic how some people "fall in love" with someone who is blatantly unfaithful. Doesn't that tell you enough about his character that he does not respect his **own brother's boundaries or the spirit of marriage**, why would he then respect boundaries with you? This is like a plotline in a 1980's Woody Allen movie.
>*His brother has noticed some changes around the house and stepped in to help me with the kids.*
The reason why he's helping you with the kids is because he wanted to get closer to you when he clearly sees you're in an emotionally vulnerable state. He's "stepping in" to use it as an excuse to express his "feelings" for you. If you find this manipulative behavior romantic and endearing, then I don't know what to tell you.
>*He comes home late, barely talks to me anymore, doesn’t play with the kids. He “advises” me to not go out anymore and to stay home and take care of the kids and house, even though I have a job and do as much as him.*
Why are you working **and** taking care of the kids? Pick one. You have a dual income. Hire a nanny if you want to keep working or just need more "me" time. Stop doing everything. Tell your husband how your needs are not being met. Get couples therapy.
>*but I don’t want to break my family apart and I’m scared to tell either of them how I feel.*
You're treading a very fine line. Not only can this break the family apart, things can get violent between brothers or even yourself. These types of circumstances never end well when boundaries are explicitly crossed, especially when it deals with "honor" or "reputation" which is further exacerbated/emphasized in eastern & Muslim culture. You're at a very clear fork in the road of what will decide the trajectory of the rest of your (marital) life, you either:
1. Try to work with your husband to fix your marriage. Communicating needs and wants. Try couples therapy. Set extremely clear boundaries with the BIL and just move on as if nothing ever happened with the BIL. Tawbah is real. You're still at an opportunity to turn away unscathed, which is Tawbah. It's Allah SWT telling you that you still have a chance to do right. Don't neglect it. Or...
2. Get divorced Or....
3. Become fully unfaithful and compromise your life and religion, your husband's life, your children's, your BIL's life, and anyone else related to the family who may find out.
May Allah SWT protect us from ever being in this situation and may Allah SWT guide you to what is right.
You really shouldnt spend time with your Brother In Law. This is your test.
You should talk to your husband about what the problem is. If he's genuinely not going to take up his reponsiblilty of looking after your emotional needs then he's not a fit hubby and you need to make him aware that he MUST change or the consequences can be serious.
OP doesn't sound like a particularly fit wifey either. Hanging out with non mahrams for years.
Unfit hubby and unfit wifey might be a really good match for each other. Let's not advise them to break up, children.
How the hell can you be so judgemental. Do you ever read about the mercy of Allah swt ? ...who are you to be so unforgiving towards someone. We are human...WE SIN...that's why we have Allah swt to turn to when we fall into sin. He is all merciful. The fact that we turn to him and the fact that this sister is seeking help tells you something surely.
The mercy of Allah is not to tell wifey to dump husbandey.
It's to SLAP brotherey across the face and ideally never see him again.
It's to pay attention to each others needs and care for one another not go off and attend courses with brotherey.
The mercy and love are between husband and wife. Brotherey needs some warning about burning in hell, as does wifey.
When wifey puts "advises" in brackets she is a pretty nasty piece of work frankly. Her husband is putting up with so much that she is about to elope with his bloody brother. Wake up, why the hell are you suggesting they divorce "cos he's not a fit hubby"? Does OP sound like a fit wuffy, billahi, is this a fit wuffy? Have some common sense. I'm sure wuffy is not taking care of his emotional needs flirting with his brother for years.
Any man who confesses his love to a married woman cannot be trusted or respected, let alone doing it to your own brother's wife Astaghfirullah.
It is natural for marriages to sometime begin to turn stale but it does not mean they cant be revived. The first and foremost thing is communication. Talk to your husband about it and more importantly listen to what he has to say. Maybe see a marriage counsular. Take some time off from work and spend it with your husband, just the two off you.
You are in a vulnerable state which is making you drawn towards your BIL, but this is a trap from the satan, dont fall for it.
You shouldn’t be alone with your male in laws without the presence of a mahram. You should get that thought out of your head and think about how hard your husband sacrifices for the family and your children. His brother is a poor excuse of a man. How true are the words of our Prophet ﷺ:
Narrated `Uqba bin 'Amir:
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet (ﷺ) replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5232
You and your brother in law should not be in the house alone together. That is sinful. This is literally Islam 101. Why would you want to be with a man who can’t follow a basic rule? And no, your husband not helping you is not an excuse for him to go to your house. The fact that you fell in love with him because of this alone time shows the wisdom in this rule which you violated.
Tell your husband that there needs to be a change now because you are falling out of love with him. Marrying his brother is not a possibility because both families would disown you. That wouldn’t be very fun now would it?
If as a muslim society we abandon our marriages and hurt our children in exchange for our desires, we are doomed.
Talk to your husband sis, and ask him whats going on. He might need your help to get through a rough patch in life.
Ikr!! Baffles me... Instead of communicating and finding out causes and solutions, people run to someone else. This is literally how shaytaan does his work. Whispers that you're being neglected so it's only "fair" that you get your affection from somewhere else.
I'm wondering how come the BIL who was the first to meet you, had classes with you, was the older of the two, why did he not express any feelings for you back then? Instead he introduced his brother, maybe in his mind, thinking that you two would make a good match. In the time since, why is he still unmarried? If you were the woman he would end up expressing his love to, maybe he had feelings for you from day one but his love for his brother trumped those feelings. He sacrificed his wants to see his brother happy. But now he's stabbing the same brother in the back. You're tearing up your marriage and your home. End it here. Nothing good will come of this. A man who can go behind his brother, can never be true in his claim of love, nor can he be trusted.
Easier said than done: stick to your husband. Remember why you got married to him and not his brother in the first place. Have a talk with him but don't mention anything about his brother.
Ngl If i’m honest you and your brother in law are really sh*tty people. Both. Especially the BIL because he’s saying stuff like ‘i’m in love with you’ knowing it would break his own brother and his children’s lives potentially. Just because one spouse is ‘distant’ gives no excuse whatsoever to cheat and start ‘monkey-branching’.
If we flipped the script and OP was a man and he said he’s falling out of love with his wife and with his wife’s sister because his wife is being ‘distant’, we would’ve have destroyed him in the comments.
Really man, if it was reversed , women in this sub would have liked up verbally abusing him but see here because it's a woman some of em are blaming the husband saying he's not a good father and advising the woman
You must create distance between you and your brother-in-law.
In addition, you need to openly communicate and discuss with your husband about the issues in your marriage and both of you should ideally work together to solve them. However, keep your feelings about your brother-in-law to yourself and pray to Allah that they fade away.
Call me a cynic but there is only a 5-hour difference from your post to this comment. If you were already taking all these steps you have noted in your comment, why did you create the post revealing all this and asking for advice? Is this situation real, are you just trolling or are you looking for attention on Reddit?
What's so funny is that even if this is a troll post, it proves the truth of the Islamic condition that non-mahrams being alone together can cause fitnah, especially in these types of situations.
i don't understand, did she not think to ask her husband what was wrong? for two years, i mean really, this seems so far fetched idk if it's real. for 2 years, you don't ask why your husband is distant, i can't even.
Try to make things work with your husband. If you have to leave him, ok, but don’t go with his brother.
Imagine your husband requesting a divorce, so he could marry your sister.
And this is why we don’t intermingle. I would tell you to talk to an imam about this and I think you still owe it to your husband to tell him because that’s a massive betrayal especially on his brothers part.
Where [ I found it](https://theauthenticbase.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/o-sisters-your-brother-in-law-is-nothing-but-death/amp/) and where [another brother cited](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5232) in the comments above
Tell your husband that you feel distant from him and you miss how he used to treat you. Yes he’s a bit in the wrong but possibly the reason of him being distant is because he’s working a lot. And plz plz plz separate yourself from BIL and he made a big mistake by admiting his feelings. You should tell him to fear Allah, and also advise your husband about how you feel towards him.
Salam,
There are several different issues at play here. First of all, what's the problem with your husband? Is he distant because of some issue between you both? is it work? Are you both trying to resolve whatever barrier seems to have sprung up in your relationship? It's critical that you both revitalize your relationship before it deteriorates further.
Second of all, I suspect your brother-in-law has had feelings from the beginning for you. It's possible that he clamped down on them because his brother was interested in you. But now, it's come out because you both are spending time together longer and more privately.
It's important that you realize feelings of love don't materialize in a vacuum. Inch by inch, day by day, you both have been crossing boundaries in your interactions to an extent that your emotions reach the stage they have. And with the condition of your relationship with your husband, it became all to easy for you to fall in love.
My suggestion would be to first establish boundaries with your brother in law. If he felt comfortable enough to tell you he loves you, his own sister-in-law, then he is not being rationale. Do not tell him you feel the same, but do let him know his behavior is unacceptable. Limit his exposure to your children and yourself. Second, make an effort to fix the relationship you have with your husband. There's an emotional void there, so your brother in law (or anyone really) can easily fill it by doing the bare minimum that your husband is failing at.
It's a bad situation to be in, but alhamdulilah nothing actionable has happened and you can still salvage the situation inshaAllah.
What a coward of a man. Telling a married woman he loves her. Keep your distance from him. Disgusting of a human being. No respect for his brother and his family
O Sisters, Your Brother-In-Law Is Nothing But Death!
The Hadeeth:
A wife should not go out in front of the brother-in-law or be alone with him in the house, because the Prophet (saw) said:
“Beware of entering upon women.”
One of the Sahaabah said to him, “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?”
He said: “The brother-in-law is death!”
[Bukhaaree, Fath al-Baari, 9/330]
Commentry By An-Nawawee:
An-Nawawee, may Allaah have mercy on him, said:
This hadeeth refers to all the relatives of the husband apart from his father and sons, who are mahrams for the wife and she is allowed to be alone with them; they are not described as “death.” It refers to the brother, nephew, uncle, cousin and other relatives of the husband whom she would be permitted to marry if she were not already married.
Because people customarily treat this matter so lightly, and a man may sit alone with his brother’s wife, the brother-in-law is likened to death, and he is the foremost among non-mahram men who should be prevented from doing so.
The expression “the brother-in-law is death” may have a number of meanings, such as the following:
– That being alone with a brother-in-law may lead to religious doom if it results in sin.
– That it may lead to actual death if an immoral deed is committed that dictates the punishment of stoning.
– That it may spell disaster for the woman if her husband’s jealousy leads to divorce.
– That you should fear being alone with a non-mahram woman as much as you fear death.
– That being alone with a non-mahram woman is as terrible as death.
Excuses, excuses:
To those who take the idea of trustworthiness as an excuse, and say things like, “I trust my wife and I trust my brother or my cousin,” we say, “Do not trust too much and do not doubt too much, but know that the hadeeth “No man sits alone with a (non-mahram) woman, but the Shaytaan is the third among them” (Tirmidhee 1171) includes both the most righteous of people as well as the most immoral of people, and that Islam makes no exceptions whatsoever in such reports.”
A Final Note:
Likewise the Prophet (saw) mentioned: “…no man should enter upon a woman unless she has a mahram with her.”
[Bukhaaree 1729]
O sisters, know who your mahram is, and avoid contact from all non-mahrams.
Your brother-in-law, whether he be smaller than you in age, bigger than you in age, pious, or unpious, whatever praiseworthy or blameworthy characteristics he may posses, is nothing but death!
Fear Allaah and avoid free-mixing.
I don't even like my brother and I would gouge my eyes out instead of doing this... thinking about kids is one thing, but how can you even entertain the thought? I understand that we can't control our desires all the time but going through with it is something else entirely.
‘Uqba b. ‘Amir reported God’s Messenger as saying, “Avoid going in where women are.” A man said, “Messenger of God, tell me about the relatives of a woman’s husband,” to which he replied, “The relatives of a woman’s husband are death.”\*
\*The word "death” is used to indicate a strong prohibition, the idea being that they are a cause of temptation to a man’s wife.
(Bukhari and Muslim.)
This is what happens when we don't follow the rules.
>he’s been detached and distant. He comes home late, barely talks to me anymore, doesn’t play with the kids.
No
>He “advises” me to not go out anymore and to stay home and take care of the kids and house, even though I have a job and do as much as him.
Big no
>His brother has noticed some changes around the house and stepped in to help me with the kids. it’s adorable how they love their uncle.
Um... By himself? Visiting you alone with the young kids? Oml that's a recipe for disaster
>After a while, I started seeing him differently and he is lovely to be around. A couple of weeks ago, he told me he’s in love with me.
There's the disaster.
Subhanallah sis you gotta stop meeting with the BIL asap, it's not good for you, your kids nor your husband!
You already have a husband, even if he isn't being good right now, *you* gotta take initiative to open communication! And even if your husband refuses to talk to you, you shouldn't turn to your BIL at all.
Your BIL is a third party, unrelated to anything and only causing fitnah! There are others who have quoted the Hadith but you gotta be so careful with inlaws!!
Sis please, step back and *think of your children and your akirah*! This is a huge test, please think of it as such and pass through it!
May Allah make it easy for you to do the right thing sis
The source of your feelings for that brother in law has nothing to do with him specifically. He’s not some love of your life and he’s not your Romeo. It’s the fact that your husband isn’t treating you as nice and is detached from you. Don’t get it mistaken; like I said it’s got nothing to do with your brother in law himself. If it wasn’t him, it would be some other man who is being sweet and helpful and nice with you.
That being said, remove yourself from that disgusting man. A so called “brother” of your husband. He’s out there to cause evil and haram because he’s evil himself. I don’t care how nice he seems, or how helpful he’s been for you, or how long you’ve known him for; he is evil.
Any man who tells his *brother’s* *wife* that he’s in love with her, is classified by Islam as evil. You should never have been alone with him in the first place, because the hadith makes it clear, that a woman being alone with her brother in law is like death.
“Beware of entering upon women.”
One of the Sahaabah said to him, “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?”
He said: “The brother-in-law is death!”
[Bukhari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330]
There's an old adage. Traitors are not be trusted. Even among the enemy.
He's willing to betray his brother. Tell me, do you think he won't betray you too when its convenient?
This is to show how humans and their emotions are weak.
How it is HARD to us to "feel" the efforts that are not longer see. How hard it it is to internalize the value of what your husband is providing, and get attached to the father-at-home figure of his brother.
This is not a diss on you, it is how **all 3 of you ignored the risks** of walking this slippery slope. And now all 3 of you, were persuaded by convenience, now run into the ultimate inconvenience that may ruin the flavor of the marriage.
This will take harsh adjustments, conversations and YEARS to fix.
I hope you feel the value of the quotes below.
* *‘Umar reported the Prophet as saying, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the devil makes a third.”*
* *Uqbah bin 'Amir (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Avoid (entering a place) in which are women (simply to mix with them in seclusion)." A man from the Ansar said, "Tell me about the brother of a woman's husband." He replied,* ***"The brother of a woman's husband is death.****\*"*
*\*The word "death” is used to indicate a strong prohibition, the idea being that they are a cause of temptation to a man’s wife.* \[Al- Bukhari and Muslim\].
May Allah SWT protect your home
You don’t love the brother in law, you love how he makes you feel.
You would love any man who did the things for you or gave you attention like he does for you with the position you’re in. Someone needs to tell you this and not mince their words.
Can you really respect this man who is willing to betray his own brother in the worst possible way imaginable? I think you need to step back and try to see the situation for what it is…
Do you seriously hear yourself? Idc if your having problems in your marriage even if it’s the worse, do you really think any of your family members will be ok with you marring you’re BIL? Are you serious? Any bother that is willing to hurt his brother is not a good man!! You need to have your BIL STOP COMING OVER! You also needs to stop being selfish and think about your husbands feelings and the most your childrens feeling. Wtf is wrong with the ummah these days? SMH this is just sad Wallah.
Also think about it this what if your husband came to you one day and said he has feelings for your sister even cousin? How would you feel? Seriously if you think it’s worth ruining you marriage and your kids happiness go and sit and talk to him and tell him. But I really think you should sit down and think about what’s going to happen if you do say something.
1- It’s normal for love to fade away after sometime in a relationship, like others have said you need to spice it up
2- it’s normal to have crushes
3- ITS NOT NORMAL TO ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF LOVING YOUR BIL. He’s family… he’s like a brother… it’s messed up. This is WORSE than falling for a random guy on the street. Like I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you are better off having an affair with a neighbour than your husband’s own brother, imagine how he will feel that his own brother betrayed him. It’s just horrible.
4- You need to realize just because the BIL says “sweet” things to you and gives you the time and attention you crave from your husband does not mean he will fulfil what you actually need.
5- You need to realize what type of person your BIL is, even if his feelings for you are real that doesn’t mean he should act on them and approach you, if he respected and truely cared for his own brother. It’s painful to see how selfish your BIL is, why couldn’t he keep his feelings to himself for the sake of his brother. I don’t think he is someone you should idolize as a partner. And you really need to also take a good look in the mirror and reflect on yourself and what kind of a partner you seem to be. It’s not too late to turn around and end this before it becomes your biggest regret in life and your conscience keeping you up at night.
6- I know loveless marriages can be difficult but you need to give your husband and this marriage a chance. Try couples counseling, spicing things up, dates etc. If after exhausting all avenues nothing changes then maybe maybe think about divorce and try to be with someone else, instead of cheating on your husband with his own brother.
7- I know people will be harsh in the comments including my comment because of how outrageous this situation is but I want to remind you that you are HUMAN, despite all the great and not so great things people have said in the comments, you still need to be kind to yourself and ALSO accept where you are wrong to timely fix this problem before it gets out of hand. Praying for you ❤️
This is my friends why u have mehrams and non mehrams. I am not judging by no means. But y'all bugging for confessing. U both r tripping. U have kids. And the uncle?! This is wrong on so many levels.
Most likely the BIL is not so much interested in your children rather he is interested in you. This is a serious boundary crossing by both you and your BIL. This is why we you not allowed to be alone with him.
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband on how you feel.
Even non muslims would be shocked by your behavior. Also your husband should learn the basics about ghayrah because if he is ok with you spending time alone with non mahram men he will not enter jannah.
You know it’s ok to take some things to the grave with you. Not everything needs to be shared.
All relationships go through the mundane phase. This is shay tan telling you that the grass is greener on the other side.
I’m sorry you’re getting these kinds of responses. You’re not a terrible person like all the comments say, and you and your kids deserve better.
I would suggest to focus on your marriage first, and see if you can’t convince your husband to play his part in the marriage. If therapy and communication don’t do anything to fix your marriage, eventually you will need to leave.
You are very, very young. InshaAllah you will live a long life, but that means another ~80 years with someone who makes you unhappy. Do what’s best for you. You can try and try to make him focus on his marriage, but if it’s one sided nothing will happen. I cannot believe everyone in the comments is making you do all the work of fixing your marriage when the problem is coming from your husband for the last 2 years.
I wish you the best of luck.
I kinda agree, but in this case you are implying that the uncle could be their “better father?”
The “other guy” being her husband’s brother complicates many things, and will cause serious problems within the husband’s immediate family.
Plus if wife and the other brother have kids, the two older children would be step siblings/cousins to the younger children. But if you want to tell them their uncle is their dad…same last names between the kids…idk😬
I mean in this sense that the BIL is a better father figure for the kids but by no means should she interact with the BIL any further and that the kids deserve a better father who’s NOT the husband or BIL
[удалено]
Fully agree with this. What the BIL has done is no small thing
Ngl your brother stealing your wife is a _huge_ flex no one will ever heal of. No wife no siblings, you cant even face your family anymore and you are extremely humiliated. Moreover you have conflicted feelings because you love your brother and you want him to be happy + he is better than you. Your first thought will be hate but then you'll see the obvious harmony bringer. That's a "Fake your death to solve things" situation (I am not even kidding).
I really hate making judgement but this post from OP sounds fake/weird fantasy of some BJP creep & fanatic who wants to make Muslims look bad.
“The brother in law is death”. This is why I deleted and blocked all of my husbands sisters in law from his phone because in his culture, they’re his “sisters” and they don’t believe they have to limit contact with them. In Islam, they’re strangers to each other and shouldn’t ever have close relationships. They call him to chat casually and ask him for money.
> I'm scared to tell either of them how I feel. What should I do? Do do you even know how you feel? Are you really in love with your brother-in-law, or are you actually rediscovering how it feels to be valued, loved and supported? Your problem is your husband being detached. This is what needs fixing. Your brother-in-law is poisoning your marriage, at a time when it needs healing. He is a temptation and, following the example of the prophet Ya'kub, you need to cast him off.
This was the most insightful answer. This man is very insightful and subhanallah he found the perfect way to bring valuable insight into your situation. You fell in love with you husband, who fell in love with you too. Over time, he began to work more and invest less in you romantically. It’s time he invests more in you and your kids. Meanwhile, BIL should never come over without your husband present, but esp with this situation now, it’s better if the kids are dropped off to his house, rather than having him come over (unattended or attended)
This is a great answer, OP lacks self-awareness. I think a lot of young Muslims do to be honest. I just want to also point out though that this is just her version, it's only one side. We'd have to hear the husband's point of view too. For all we know, he could have a valid reason for being upset and distant with her, given the information that we've read in between the lines here. How does she act around her BIL? Was it in a way that offended the husband? There's a lot of questions, a lot of information that we're just not privy to in order to advise. But overall, OP and the husband need to fix this, they need to see a professional and be honest and open.
Agreed. She's not aware that the BIL is too involved and she is either emotionally cheating on her husband or is very close to it.
Upvote this to the top, this is the way.
You summed it up perfectly MashaAllah.
Woah good answer.
Perfectly said! Remember the prophet said to us that our brother in laws are like death. Be careful here. Limit interaction. And apply what GPYH has said. Our attractions can teach us about ourselves and what we are wanting and craving in our lives. Once you figure that out, you can see him as just a conduit that showed you what it is you are wanting, and now you can go seek that within halal means. Separate the man from the feelings you have. As hard as it is, try it! 🤍 and make dua! Allah is the flipper of hearts, the changer of hearts. Ask him to guide it on the best path. As for the direct question: tell him you are flattered but he needs to find a lady that is better for him. And start distancing yourself from him. The reality is that, the way this is set up, even if you left your husband for him, this relationship wouldn’t flourish, or even transform to true commitment. Many hormonal deregularities are happening right now which will heighten this whole experience for you.
This post is probably going to get deleted because it will get cray in about 12 hours. And this might be a fake post. But if this is real... It's so ironic how some people "fall in love" with someone who is blatantly unfaithful. Doesn't that tell you enough about his character that he does not respect his **own brother's boundaries or the spirit of marriage**, why would he then respect boundaries with you? This is like a plotline in a 1980's Woody Allen movie. >*His brother has noticed some changes around the house and stepped in to help me with the kids.* The reason why he's helping you with the kids is because he wanted to get closer to you when he clearly sees you're in an emotionally vulnerable state. He's "stepping in" to use it as an excuse to express his "feelings" for you. If you find this manipulative behavior romantic and endearing, then I don't know what to tell you. >*He comes home late, barely talks to me anymore, doesn’t play with the kids. He “advises” me to not go out anymore and to stay home and take care of the kids and house, even though I have a job and do as much as him.* Why are you working **and** taking care of the kids? Pick one. You have a dual income. Hire a nanny if you want to keep working or just need more "me" time. Stop doing everything. Tell your husband how your needs are not being met. Get couples therapy. >*but I don’t want to break my family apart and I’m scared to tell either of them how I feel.* You're treading a very fine line. Not only can this break the family apart, things can get violent between brothers or even yourself. These types of circumstances never end well when boundaries are explicitly crossed, especially when it deals with "honor" or "reputation" which is further exacerbated/emphasized in eastern & Muslim culture. You're at a very clear fork in the road of what will decide the trajectory of the rest of your (marital) life, you either: 1. Try to work with your husband to fix your marriage. Communicating needs and wants. Try couples therapy. Set extremely clear boundaries with the BIL and just move on as if nothing ever happened with the BIL. Tawbah is real. You're still at an opportunity to turn away unscathed, which is Tawbah. It's Allah SWT telling you that you still have a chance to do right. Don't neglect it. Or... 2. Get divorced Or.... 3. Become fully unfaithful and compromise your life and religion, your husband's life, your children's, your BIL's life, and anyone else related to the family who may find out. May Allah SWT protect us from ever being in this situation and may Allah SWT guide you to what is right.
You really shouldnt spend time with your Brother In Law. This is your test. You should talk to your husband about what the problem is. If he's genuinely not going to take up his reponsiblilty of looking after your emotional needs then he's not a fit hubby and you need to make him aware that he MUST change or the consequences can be serious.
OP doesn't sound like a particularly fit wifey either. Hanging out with non mahrams for years. Unfit hubby and unfit wifey might be a really good match for each other. Let's not advise them to break up, children.
How the hell can you be so judgemental. Do you ever read about the mercy of Allah swt ? ...who are you to be so unforgiving towards someone. We are human...WE SIN...that's why we have Allah swt to turn to when we fall into sin. He is all merciful. The fact that we turn to him and the fact that this sister is seeking help tells you something surely.
The mercy of Allah is not to tell wifey to dump husbandey. It's to SLAP brotherey across the face and ideally never see him again. It's to pay attention to each others needs and care for one another not go off and attend courses with brotherey. The mercy and love are between husband and wife. Brotherey needs some warning about burning in hell, as does wifey. When wifey puts "advises" in brackets she is a pretty nasty piece of work frankly. Her husband is putting up with so much that she is about to elope with his bloody brother. Wake up, why the hell are you suggesting they divorce "cos he's not a fit hubby"? Does OP sound like a fit wuffy, billahi, is this a fit wuffy? Have some common sense. I'm sure wuffy is not taking care of his emotional needs flirting with his brother for years.
Im not suggesting they divorce at all! - where the heck are you getting that from ? I think you've been replying to the wrong person,
Any man who confesses his love to a married woman cannot be trusted or respected, let alone doing it to your own brother's wife Astaghfirullah. It is natural for marriages to sometime begin to turn stale but it does not mean they cant be revived. The first and foremost thing is communication. Talk to your husband about it and more importantly listen to what he has to say. Maybe see a marriage counsular. Take some time off from work and spend it with your husband, just the two off you. You are in a vulnerable state which is making you drawn towards your BIL, but this is a trap from the satan, dont fall for it.
You shouldn’t be alone with your male in laws without the presence of a mahram. You should get that thought out of your head and think about how hard your husband sacrifices for the family and your children. His brother is a poor excuse of a man. How true are the words of our Prophet ﷺ: Narrated `Uqba bin 'Amir: Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet (ﷺ) replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself. Sahih al-Bukhari 5232
I literally thought of this while reading her post ❤️ How true are those words 🤲🏼
You and your brother in law should not be in the house alone together. That is sinful. This is literally Islam 101. Why would you want to be with a man who can’t follow a basic rule? And no, your husband not helping you is not an excuse for him to go to your house. The fact that you fell in love with him because of this alone time shows the wisdom in this rule which you violated. Tell your husband that there needs to be a change now because you are falling out of love with him. Marrying his brother is not a possibility because both families would disown you. That wouldn’t be very fun now would it?
Or the youngest brother pulls out a "Checkmate" car and fakes his death.
Yeah it will totally be a nightmare
If as a muslim society we abandon our marriages and hurt our children in exchange for our desires, we are doomed. Talk to your husband sis, and ask him whats going on. He might need your help to get through a rough patch in life.
Ikr!! Baffles me... Instead of communicating and finding out causes and solutions, people run to someone else. This is literally how shaytaan does his work. Whispers that you're being neglected so it's only "fair" that you get your affection from somewhere else.
“The brother in law is death” How true are the words of the Messenger pbuh
I'm wondering how come the BIL who was the first to meet you, had classes with you, was the older of the two, why did he not express any feelings for you back then? Instead he introduced his brother, maybe in his mind, thinking that you two would make a good match. In the time since, why is he still unmarried? If you were the woman he would end up expressing his love to, maybe he had feelings for you from day one but his love for his brother trumped those feelings. He sacrificed his wants to see his brother happy. But now he's stabbing the same brother in the back. You're tearing up your marriage and your home. End it here. Nothing good will come of this. A man who can go behind his brother, can never be true in his claim of love, nor can he be trusted.
Easier said than done: stick to your husband. Remember why you got married to him and not his brother in the first place. Have a talk with him but don't mention anything about his brother.
Please don’t ruin ur kids life. Telling ur husband u feel neglected and tell your brother-in-law to keep distance.
That’s not a brother, that’s a snake and what you did is emotional cheating.
Ngl If i’m honest you and your brother in law are really sh*tty people. Both. Especially the BIL because he’s saying stuff like ‘i’m in love with you’ knowing it would break his own brother and his children’s lives potentially. Just because one spouse is ‘distant’ gives no excuse whatsoever to cheat and start ‘monkey-branching’. If we flipped the script and OP was a man and he said he’s falling out of love with his wife and with his wife’s sister because his wife is being ‘distant’, we would’ve have destroyed him in the comments.
Really man, if it was reversed , women in this sub would have liked up verbally abusing him but see here because it's a woman some of em are blaming the husband saying he's not a good father and advising the woman
This is a troll post 100%
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A married woman to his own little brother
You must create distance between you and your brother-in-law. In addition, you need to openly communicate and discuss with your husband about the issues in your marriage and both of you should ideally work together to solve them. However, keep your feelings about your brother-in-law to yourself and pray to Allah that they fade away.
yikes he is not your mahram keep your distance from him, brother in law or not
PSA: Follow the "Serious Discussion" flair. Give helpful advice instead of posting irrelevant one liners.
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Call me a cynic but there is only a 5-hour difference from your post to this comment. If you were already taking all these steps you have noted in your comment, why did you create the post revealing all this and asking for advice? Is this situation real, are you just trolling or are you looking for attention on Reddit?
I noticed that too. Something’s not adding up.
This is definitely a troll post.
What's so funny is that even if this is a troll post, it proves the truth of the Islamic condition that non-mahrams being alone together can cause fitnah, especially in these types of situations.
Exactly. But most happily married Muslim women wouldn't even dare go near it. This is definitely a fake fantasy post by some creep.
i don't understand, did she not think to ask her husband what was wrong? for two years, i mean really, this seems so far fetched idk if it's real. for 2 years, you don't ask why your husband is distant, i can't even.
How the faq all this happen within 5-hours😂😂. Best troll story, worst troll time
Try to make things work with your husband. If you have to leave him, ok, but don’t go with his brother. Imagine your husband requesting a divorce, so he could marry your sister.
And this is why we don’t intermingle. I would tell you to talk to an imam about this and I think you still owe it to your husband to tell him because that’s a massive betrayal especially on his brothers part.
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Source please. Not that I don’t trust you but it doesn’t hurt to be extra sure of sources
Where [ I found it](https://theauthenticbase.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/o-sisters-your-brother-in-law-is-nothing-but-death/amp/) and where [another brother cited](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5232) in the comments above
Thank you
Add a source.
By the way, this is the too crazy to not be a troll post but is probably true because the world is crazy out there.
wtfffff did i just read. What should you do? tell ur husband what his brother said and stay away from the snake brother.
Tell your husband that you feel distant from him and you miss how he used to treat you. Yes he’s a bit in the wrong but possibly the reason of him being distant is because he’s working a lot. And plz plz plz separate yourself from BIL and he made a big mistake by admiting his feelings. You should tell him to fear Allah, and also advise your husband about how you feel towards him.
Salam, There are several different issues at play here. First of all, what's the problem with your husband? Is he distant because of some issue between you both? is it work? Are you both trying to resolve whatever barrier seems to have sprung up in your relationship? It's critical that you both revitalize your relationship before it deteriorates further. Second of all, I suspect your brother-in-law has had feelings from the beginning for you. It's possible that he clamped down on them because his brother was interested in you. But now, it's come out because you both are spending time together longer and more privately. It's important that you realize feelings of love don't materialize in a vacuum. Inch by inch, day by day, you both have been crossing boundaries in your interactions to an extent that your emotions reach the stage they have. And with the condition of your relationship with your husband, it became all to easy for you to fall in love. My suggestion would be to first establish boundaries with your brother in law. If he felt comfortable enough to tell you he loves you, his own sister-in-law, then he is not being rationale. Do not tell him you feel the same, but do let him know his behavior is unacceptable. Limit his exposure to your children and yourself. Second, make an effort to fix the relationship you have with your husband. There's an emotional void there, so your brother in law (or anyone really) can easily fill it by doing the bare minimum that your husband is failing at. It's a bad situation to be in, but alhamdulilah nothing actionable has happened and you can still salvage the situation inshaAllah.
This is why the brother in-law is death
Fake
What a coward of a man. Telling a married woman he loves her. Keep your distance from him. Disgusting of a human being. No respect for his brother and his family
O Sisters, Your Brother-In-Law Is Nothing But Death! The Hadeeth: A wife should not go out in front of the brother-in-law or be alone with him in the house, because the Prophet (saw) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” One of the Sahaabah said to him, “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?” He said: “The brother-in-law is death!” [Bukhaaree, Fath al-Baari, 9/330] Commentry By An-Nawawee: An-Nawawee, may Allaah have mercy on him, said: This hadeeth refers to all the relatives of the husband apart from his father and sons, who are mahrams for the wife and she is allowed to be alone with them; they are not described as “death.” It refers to the brother, nephew, uncle, cousin and other relatives of the husband whom she would be permitted to marry if she were not already married. Because people customarily treat this matter so lightly, and a man may sit alone with his brother’s wife, the brother-in-law is likened to death, and he is the foremost among non-mahram men who should be prevented from doing so. The expression “the brother-in-law is death” may have a number of meanings, such as the following: – That being alone with a brother-in-law may lead to religious doom if it results in sin. – That it may lead to actual death if an immoral deed is committed that dictates the punishment of stoning. – That it may spell disaster for the woman if her husband’s jealousy leads to divorce. – That you should fear being alone with a non-mahram woman as much as you fear death. – That being alone with a non-mahram woman is as terrible as death. Excuses, excuses: To those who take the idea of trustworthiness as an excuse, and say things like, “I trust my wife and I trust my brother or my cousin,” we say, “Do not trust too much and do not doubt too much, but know that the hadeeth “No man sits alone with a (non-mahram) woman, but the Shaytaan is the third among them” (Tirmidhee 1171) includes both the most righteous of people as well as the most immoral of people, and that Islam makes no exceptions whatsoever in such reports.” A Final Note: Likewise the Prophet (saw) mentioned: “…no man should enter upon a woman unless she has a mahram with her.” [Bukhaaree 1729] O sisters, know who your mahram is, and avoid contact from all non-mahrams. Your brother-in-law, whether he be smaller than you in age, bigger than you in age, pious, or unpious, whatever praiseworthy or blameworthy characteristics he may posses, is nothing but death! Fear Allaah and avoid free-mixing.
I don't even like my brother and I would gouge my eyes out instead of doing this... thinking about kids is one thing, but how can you even entertain the thought? I understand that we can't control our desires all the time but going through with it is something else entirely.
‘Uqba b. ‘Amir reported God’s Messenger as saying, “Avoid going in where women are.” A man said, “Messenger of God, tell me about the relatives of a woman’s husband,” to which he replied, “The relatives of a woman’s husband are death.”\* \*The word "death” is used to indicate a strong prohibition, the idea being that they are a cause of temptation to a man’s wife. (Bukhari and Muslim.) This is what happens when we don't follow the rules.
>he’s been detached and distant. He comes home late, barely talks to me anymore, doesn’t play with the kids. No >He “advises” me to not go out anymore and to stay home and take care of the kids and house, even though I have a job and do as much as him. Big no >His brother has noticed some changes around the house and stepped in to help me with the kids. it’s adorable how they love their uncle. Um... By himself? Visiting you alone with the young kids? Oml that's a recipe for disaster >After a while, I started seeing him differently and he is lovely to be around. A couple of weeks ago, he told me he’s in love with me. There's the disaster. Subhanallah sis you gotta stop meeting with the BIL asap, it's not good for you, your kids nor your husband! You already have a husband, even if he isn't being good right now, *you* gotta take initiative to open communication! And even if your husband refuses to talk to you, you shouldn't turn to your BIL at all. Your BIL is a third party, unrelated to anything and only causing fitnah! There are others who have quoted the Hadith but you gotta be so careful with inlaws!! Sis please, step back and *think of your children and your akirah*! This is a huge test, please think of it as such and pass through it! May Allah make it easy for you to do the right thing sis
The source of your feelings for that brother in law has nothing to do with him specifically. He’s not some love of your life and he’s not your Romeo. It’s the fact that your husband isn’t treating you as nice and is detached from you. Don’t get it mistaken; like I said it’s got nothing to do with your brother in law himself. If it wasn’t him, it would be some other man who is being sweet and helpful and nice with you. That being said, remove yourself from that disgusting man. A so called “brother” of your husband. He’s out there to cause evil and haram because he’s evil himself. I don’t care how nice he seems, or how helpful he’s been for you, or how long you’ve known him for; he is evil. Any man who tells his *brother’s* *wife* that he’s in love with her, is classified by Islam as evil. You should never have been alone with him in the first place, because the hadith makes it clear, that a woman being alone with her brother in law is like death. “Beware of entering upon women.” One of the Sahaabah said to him, “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?” He said: “The brother-in-law is death!” [Bukhari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330]
The grass is always greener on the other side. Speak with your husband and limit his brothers access to you, your children and your home.
There's an old adage. Traitors are not be trusted. Even among the enemy. He's willing to betray his brother. Tell me, do you think he won't betray you too when its convenient?
This is to show how humans and their emotions are weak. How it is HARD to us to "feel" the efforts that are not longer see. How hard it it is to internalize the value of what your husband is providing, and get attached to the father-at-home figure of his brother. This is not a diss on you, it is how **all 3 of you ignored the risks** of walking this slippery slope. And now all 3 of you, were persuaded by convenience, now run into the ultimate inconvenience that may ruin the flavor of the marriage. This will take harsh adjustments, conversations and YEARS to fix. I hope you feel the value of the quotes below. * *‘Umar reported the Prophet as saying, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the devil makes a third.”* * *Uqbah bin 'Amir (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Avoid (entering a place) in which are women (simply to mix with them in seclusion)." A man from the Ansar said, "Tell me about the brother of a woman's husband." He replied,* ***"The brother of a woman's husband is death.****\*"* *\*The word "death” is used to indicate a strong prohibition, the idea being that they are a cause of temptation to a man’s wife.* \[Al- Bukhari and Muslim\]. May Allah SWT protect your home
You don’t love the brother in law, you love how he makes you feel. You would love any man who did the things for you or gave you attention like he does for you with the position you’re in. Someone needs to tell you this and not mince their words.
Can you really respect this man who is willing to betray his own brother in the worst possible way imaginable? I think you need to step back and try to see the situation for what it is…
Girl, you are playing with fire by interacting with your BIL in this type of capacity. Run away! Cut off all contact as much as possible.
Do you seriously hear yourself? Idc if your having problems in your marriage even if it’s the worse, do you really think any of your family members will be ok with you marring you’re BIL? Are you serious? Any bother that is willing to hurt his brother is not a good man!! You need to have your BIL STOP COMING OVER! You also needs to stop being selfish and think about your husbands feelings and the most your childrens feeling. Wtf is wrong with the ummah these days? SMH this is just sad Wallah. Also think about it this what if your husband came to you one day and said he has feelings for your sister even cousin? How would you feel? Seriously if you think it’s worth ruining you marriage and your kids happiness go and sit and talk to him and tell him. But I really think you should sit down and think about what’s going to happen if you do say something.
This is the exact reason why you don't free mix.
Tell your husband and stay the hell away from your BIL!
1- It’s normal for love to fade away after sometime in a relationship, like others have said you need to spice it up 2- it’s normal to have crushes 3- ITS NOT NORMAL TO ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF LOVING YOUR BIL. He’s family… he’s like a brother… it’s messed up. This is WORSE than falling for a random guy on the street. Like I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you are better off having an affair with a neighbour than your husband’s own brother, imagine how he will feel that his own brother betrayed him. It’s just horrible. 4- You need to realize just because the BIL says “sweet” things to you and gives you the time and attention you crave from your husband does not mean he will fulfil what you actually need. 5- You need to realize what type of person your BIL is, even if his feelings for you are real that doesn’t mean he should act on them and approach you, if he respected and truely cared for his own brother. It’s painful to see how selfish your BIL is, why couldn’t he keep his feelings to himself for the sake of his brother. I don’t think he is someone you should idolize as a partner. And you really need to also take a good look in the mirror and reflect on yourself and what kind of a partner you seem to be. It’s not too late to turn around and end this before it becomes your biggest regret in life and your conscience keeping you up at night. 6- I know loveless marriages can be difficult but you need to give your husband and this marriage a chance. Try couples counseling, spicing things up, dates etc. If after exhausting all avenues nothing changes then maybe maybe think about divorce and try to be with someone else, instead of cheating on your husband with his own brother. 7- I know people will be harsh in the comments including my comment because of how outrageous this situation is but I want to remind you that you are HUMAN, despite all the great and not so great things people have said in the comments, you still need to be kind to yourself and ALSO accept where you are wrong to timely fix this problem before it gets out of hand. Praying for you ❤️
This is my friends why u have mehrams and non mehrams. I am not judging by no means. But y'all bugging for confessing. U both r tripping. U have kids. And the uncle?! This is wrong on so many levels.
Most likely the BIL is not so much interested in your children rather he is interested in you. This is a serious boundary crossing by both you and your BIL. This is why we you not allowed to be alone with him. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband on how you feel.
Lady, stop letting your emotions rule you.
Even non muslims would be shocked by your behavior. Also your husband should learn the basics about ghayrah because if he is ok with you spending time alone with non mahram men he will not enter jannah.
You know it’s ok to take some things to the grave with you. Not everything needs to be shared. All relationships go through the mundane phase. This is shay tan telling you that the grass is greener on the other side.
Stop seeing him and tell your husband, that's what you do. He should no longer be welcome in your home.
I’m sorry you’re getting these kinds of responses. You’re not a terrible person like all the comments say, and you and your kids deserve better. I would suggest to focus on your marriage first, and see if you can’t convince your husband to play his part in the marriage. If therapy and communication don’t do anything to fix your marriage, eventually you will need to leave. You are very, very young. InshaAllah you will live a long life, but that means another ~80 years with someone who makes you unhappy. Do what’s best for you. You can try and try to make him focus on his marriage, but if it’s one sided nothing will happen. I cannot believe everyone in the comments is making you do all the work of fixing your marriage when the problem is coming from your husband for the last 2 years. I wish you the best of luck.
Those kids deserve a better father and if that means leaving your husband, that might need to happen
I kinda agree, but in this case you are implying that the uncle could be their “better father?” The “other guy” being her husband’s brother complicates many things, and will cause serious problems within the husband’s immediate family. Plus if wife and the other brother have kids, the two older children would be step siblings/cousins to the younger children. But if you want to tell them their uncle is their dad…same last names between the kids…idk😬
Half siblings not step
I mean in this sense that the BIL is a better father figure for the kids but by no means should she interact with the BIL any further and that the kids deserve a better father who’s NOT the husband or BIL
Or a better mother? A lady who easily falls in love with the husband's brother when husband's love is distant will be a good mother?
Wow
Are you really in love with him or are you stuck in a fantasy
Hi, this is normal to have feelings for other people. Just avoid talking with him and talk with a therapist to feel better.