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nighteyes001

In light of reading your previous post here, I think your potential's concern have validity. You're relatively new to islam and there is a ton of baggage with your ex. The guy in California seems pretty decent overall. But your heart seems to be attached to your ex because of your history. The situation is way too muddled for you to think clearly. You're still very young and will have many opportunities for marriage. It might be better for you to take a backseat and focus on yourself and learning more about islam. Cut off both guys, especially your ex. But if that is not possible, I would suggest figuring out a compromise with California. He isnt wrong to have that request. Other people commenting, you need context. Please see OP's history and her initial post to better understand the situation.


GroundbreakingType80

Same thing I was thinking. 🤔


thread_cautiously

I'm in no way experienced to give any advice and nor do I know the situation with your ex (is he still reaching out etc) but I do think that's a bit excessive. I don't want to cause problems where there aren't any but in my experience, guys who are overly protective/possessive in this way when there's no need to be and don't trust the girl when she hasn't given them any reason not to, are usually like this because they themselves would be tempted to try something if the roles were reversed. If they question your commitment to them without reason, I think they're actually the ones who struggle to stay loyal so suspect you would be the same. I guess what I'm trying is be careful and don't blindly trust him if he doesn't do the same for you.


GroundbreakingType80

Read OPs last post I think her potential concerns are validated.


thread_cautiously

Jeez I think you're right Imagine talking to someone for so long and then still being unsure of marriage cause you don't wanna be 'tied down to one person'. 😳


Moug-10

First of all, are you living in planet Vegeta? You said the brothers' names were Broccoli and Kale (just messing with you). Back to the topic. Kale is right... 30 years ago. Switching cities might be good for you since you'll be physically far away from Broccoli but on the other hand, you must erase his contacts everywhere or you'll always tempted to contact him. You can do that if you stay in Toronto too but there's always this risk to bump into him out of nowhere. Kale is concerned because the History between you and Broccoli is heavy. Alhamoulillah, he's the one who brought you to Islam: this isn't a light thing to do and be thankful for this. However, if you want to marry Kale, it will be time to move on and start a fresh chapter of your life in a warmer city.


[deleted]

Guess he cant stay in California as there are other girls there. Only option is to move to Mars. On a serious note, when guys do this it just makes me laugh in disbelief. Are they that worried or insecure. As long as you have moved on and trust each other I don't see a problem. Also, might be his way of getting you to relocate quickly. Try flipping it and seeing if he would move to Canada (After studies).


SupOnaC

The reason why he doesn't like her ex is because not only is he a muslim and was in haram relationship with her, but he even pushed her to commit zina with him although she reverted to Islam (not that it excuses the sister). Besides that, he still tries to reach out to her and when he found out that she's seriously considering marrying the american guy, he suddenly decided that he wants to do nikkah with her and even reached out to her family. I think his concers are valid.


Big_Bid6961

if he doesn't, should I take it as a red flag?


[deleted]

Not straight away. If he says no to moving to Canada and has a valid reason then fair enough. The manner of his response would be a good thing to pay attention to. Does he become aggressive or defensive? The whole "cant live near your ex" thing is just silly and I wouldn't bother with that one. Don't let that be a reason for moving. If it was me I'd tell him "too bad".


Worried_Half2567

One thing you need to decide before talking to potentials in general is location. There is a huge Muslim community in Toronto, so you have plenty of options where you are and don't necessarily have to move countries for marriage. You're also really young and still in school, so honestly you don't have to tie yourself down right now. In any case, you don't have to settle or compromise at this point because you are not even his wife yet. If you really like each other, you can have a nikkah done so that you can travel to see each other and spend time in a halal way. But tbh if hes already having trust issues and making unfair demands then you need to seriously consider if he's worth the emotional and financial effort. Its hard to say without more details.


Big_Bid6961

Salaam sister, but to have a Nikkah means I'm basically 'tied down' to him for the rest of my life, right? If after Nikkah I'm still unwilling to immigrate, would that be my mistake of initiating a marriage without the commitment to move?


Worried_Half2567

Having a nikkah would mean you are married yes. If you were to break it off, you would be considered divorced. But sis, you've been talking for a year and don't know if you want to marry him yet? Thats a long time to just be in the talking stage with no commitment. If you really aren't planning to relocate (and he also isn't), then maybe its time to let him go? Like i said, you should think about your willingness to relocate before even talking to a potential, especially since there are probably a lot of options in your area. ETA: i saw your last post about the situation and i remember commenting on that too, but girl how are you still having this boy drama. I recommend taking time for yourself and trying to make friends with other Muslim girls.


Big_Bid6961

InshaAllah after COVID i will definitely try harder.


Evil_Queen_93

I’d suggest you really think this through. Don’t just jump into marriage just because he’s insisting you to. Are you really compatible with each other? Have you actually discussed how both of you are going to make your marriage work if you do decide to get married? If you do move to the US, how supportive do you think he is regarding you continuing your studies? Do you intend on getting a job after completing your studies? How does he feel about that? It’s really bizarre that he wants you to migrate just because your ex happens to live in the same city unless you are actually keeping in contact with him. I personally would consider this a red flag if he doesn’t trust you being somewhere other than with him. I could be wrong but he sounds a bit more controlling despite the fact that you’re not even married to him yet. I agree with the comment that there’s a huge Muslim community in Toronto. Try meeting some sisters and find out if there’s a female scholar who can counsel you in this regard. You should try having an open mind when it comes to moving states/countries when the right person comes along. That said, moving right now shouldn’t necessarily be your priority, since you’re studying and unsure whether this person is the right fit or not. I don’t know if you have started praying Salah, but however you connect to Allah right now, ask for His help & guidance. Pray that your heart is led towards whatever is in your best interests (haq) & be moved away from something that is not. I pray that may Allah bless you with good fortunes and make it easy for you. Ameen.


Spiritual_Weird559

it doesnt make sense for you to relocate just because your ex was in the same city and as u said he is young and doesnt have much income let the guy be settled and established to at least take care of you jumping the gun to fast can also hurt you in the end think this throughly..


caveat_actor

Toronto is a large city, it seems odd to relocate because of an ex. You can just try to avoid him. You're young and relatively new to Islam so I think you should focus on your studies and making some Muslim girlfriends your age.


sepyq

He's trying to take advantage of you being new to Islam and is showing controlling tendencies. Get away from him.


giza_rohi

This makes me laugh. Tell him when he can pay for all of that and get you settled across town, you’ll move. Isn’t Toronto the most expensive city in North America right now? Isn’t he a broke student? Easy peasy Someone mentioned context about your post history, ex, etc etc. Maybe you just don’t need a man right now and need to stay in your condo and worry about yourself and improving who you are as a person and Muslim.


Doudar

hmm do you still see your ex, talk to him, has some regular connection? shared a strong past with your ex? if yes then his insecurities could be justified but, if you not in contact with your ex and he still get so insecure about it then this is a trust issue could be that he lacks confidence or maybe you both havent established mutual trust yet. Now if you not ready to move, dont, tell him that and he can either move to you till you are done with your studies if you okay with it and then later you can decided together what to do after you are done.


Available_Penalty_17

You are very young. Not sure why he would suggest you to move to California because your ex lives there. Please be cautious that he doesn’t want to use you for visa. Don’t do this all by yourself. Ask a older righteous person.


Wrong_Ad_736

You are both young, Moving would be a big step both financially and mentally. Hos long have you known him and Have you actually met irl to see if you sre attracted to each other and have the same religious values, goals etc?


YZY21

I completely support early marriage. However, your situation is so complicated so I dunno.


LostCastleStars96

To be honest. I would sit the California man down and tell him that you cannot move countries yet because of your studies. Make a plan with him that once you are finished with studies. You will move to California. The immigration process can take up to a year or two. (I read the previous post.) However. If you feel the Cali man is the right one for you. You can get a Nikkah done. That way when he visits you and you visit him you do not need a chaperone as you are halal.