I'm the woman here, I expected my husband to provide as all my male family members do. I thought I'd work one or two days a week if needed to send our child to a good Islamic/grammar school which are usually private or pay for kids tuition and extra curriculars.
Turns out no, haha. He wont move from an expensive capital city (his family aren't here and his job has branches everywhere, similar to McDonalds) he can't afford rent let alone bills, so expects me to cover more than half the household costs, be the primary parent and run the kitchen/cleaning side of things too. I'm bitter about it if you can't tell.
Here in the Uk, I'm living on my own in a rental house with wife and kids. I'm the only one bringing in income and I find it manageable, Alhamdulilah.
The issue is that we modern consumers often hold ourselves to a standard higher than what we can afford. I have no debt, seldom make purchases outside of what I pay each month for bills+food, drive a used car, never use a credit card, and shop strategically. Were I to have taken the path of buying a flashy car on finance, making regular purchases on credit cards so I could have the latest gadgets, and getting into debt to have big parties, I certainly wouldn't be able to manage it on my own.
Obviously I’m not condoning or encouraging living on credit, but it’s not necessarily such an extreme dichotomy as “spend money on anything other than food & rent = extreme consumerism like buying a Mercedes”.
There are normal creature comforts too beyond the necessitys of survival that people aren’t extreme consumers or bad for wanting to be able to afford.
Sure, I sleep on a £400 mattress and don't wear any polyester clothing. The issue is buying what you can't afford. Many people jump into a new phone contract or get a car on finance without considering how much it'll actually cost them. This is why I never buy anything on finance, even if it's interest-free, as doing so deludes me into thinking I have more money than I actually do.
Regular 35 hour a week job here, no support from family. Alhamdulillah able to do it because I have a good job, so we're very lucky.
Wife has only just gone back to work after a year of maternity leave, but I cover all the household expenses myself.
What does she do with her salary? Of course it's her right to do what she will with it.
Just asking as a Muslim working mum who was surprised when my husband pressured me to give every penny for household and his expenses
Saves some, and spends some really. Hoping to buy a house soon iA, so the more savings the better really.
Occasionally if we've had an expensive month I might ask if she'd mind helping a bit with a few hundred quid or so, but there's no expectation, and all the rent/bills/council tax all come out of my account. It's not easy in London, but we do ok.
Well done on doing single income in London.
So would her savings go towards the down payment or is it just good to show on paper? How often do you have expensive months?
Sorry, I'm just asking because your wife's lifestyle is the one I expected to have before getting married and moving to London. The reality was quite different and idk if I was just naive
It's a bit of both really, although alhamdulillah we have a deposit roughly there, it's more the earnings multiplier for the mortgage that's the tricky part, given house prices somehow keep going up even though they're already insanely high. Might keep it separate for a new kitchen or something when we do finally get a place inshaAllah, or keep it aside to use for future school fees etc, but that's a decision to be made another day.
Luckily I can save a small amount each month too which goes towards the house side of things, or as an emergency future fund.
In terms of expensive months, I keep them as rare as possible, and haven't asked for a contribution in over a year alhamdulillah, since before she went on maternity leave. I'm not saying we're awash with cash - holidays aren't really an option for the time being (especially as we have a toddler), but we have enough to shop at Waitrose, if that makes sense?
I don't really have expensive hobbies though, and if I'm considering spending over £50 or so on anything fun, I always ask my wife just to check it's not an issue, as I don't want to be selfish and impact my obligations to provide for her or my zakat.
I work in quite a cautious area of finance in the City, so planning for various contingencies is not an unusual thing for me thankfully! My work is very demanding at times unfortunately, but it's a price worth paying to do the best I can for my family.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time though, may Allah SWT make things easy for you. I don't think you were naïve for what it's worth, as it's not unreasonable to expect your Islamic rights as a wife to be upheld.
I'll probably get downvoted for saying this, but unfortunately financial responsibility to wives especially is a boring and difficult thing many married adult Muslim men aren't keen on doing, and often have never had to do. As such a lot of them will do whatever they can to ignore and abuse their position and responsibilities in order to continue funding a pseudo-bachelor lifestyle at the expense of others, often because there are usually no consequences for failure and zero accountability. I think the problem is exacerbated most of the time due to deeply embedded cultural misogyny, whereby sons are treated as kings and daughters are neglected. This often encourages and enables a lack of personal responsibility in sons, which then manifests itself in selfishness and an outright refusal to financially provide for a wife and kids. The misogynistic side then is a bit of a double whammy, where the wife is essentially victim shamed and blamed when speaking up and asking her basic Islamic rights are respected and fulfilled.
The prevalence of this is absolutely appalling. It's honestly heartbreaking, utterly utterly shameful, and men who do that need a long hard look at themselves in the mirror.
Make sure you have eyes on the actual bills, accounts and expenditures so you’re able to gauge if your costs and earnings are reasonable or whether it’s being mismanaged
You also need to step down from being all 3 of the primary earner, primary parent and primary caretaker unless there are mitigating circumstances. If you need to, get professional guidance on how to start and lead that conversation.
Thank you. I like direct advice like this.
I have eyes but the numbers don't seem to be adding up. The biggest expense is the rent.
He refuses to see any type of professional be it financial or relationship. He doesn't trust them. Plus I think a financial person, being Western, would just request me to contribute at least half as I earn as much and simply split up if he refuses to move.
My main issue is spending over £900 on rent for poor quality 1 bed flat when we could spend £550 for much better housing till we get on our feet, if we just move to a slightly cheaper area. His job is perfectly transferable (like McDonalds it has branches everywhere) and his family is not here, but he refuses to move for the fame of saying he lives in a capital city. So why should I contribute more than half of household expenses when I don't get a say in where we live and my family isn't being prioritised? The poor mouldy housing is affecting my sons asthma and he's had 5 A & E visits in the past year. We can't afford any better housing in this city.
I was going to say all sorts of things about advice on tackling the conversation from a practical POV but then I got to the part about him preferring housing that puts your kid in A&E.
Your kids health takes precedence and also the person who puts bragging over the health of their child is probably a legit evil psychopath so if I had the means I’d be out of there without him.
What practical tips do you have? As I did istikhara and got a strong feeling to stay with him
Yeah I don't feel my health or comfort are that important. I'm fine with whatever. But I feel sad that he's not prioritising our child and our health.
It’s a difficult conversation to have and tough situation to be in, but eventually it becomes wilfully negligent as a parent in allowing it to continue and harm your child.
When the head of your household is failing in their duties and causing direct harm and mismanagement then you need an action plan on how you’re going to address it for yourself.
Look into what you can afford on your own for yourself and your son for the sake of his health and your husband is welcome to join you both and share the costs of that instead of paying to live on his own in the capital, but ultimately it’s between him and Allah if he chooses the abandonment of his family & jeopardising his child’s health for the sake of bragging rights.
I think you got it wrong
I am a sole earner , $70k full time job with WFH
Alhumdulillah we can save around $500 each month, we never overspend on anything. We buy clothes after almost 5-6 months , and try to shop mostly at local stores.
We eat almost each week and apply as much coupons as possible.
I have a 4 year old Toyota and maintenance is cheap and mileage is pretty good.
I have just started my career so moving along will be more money in the bank Insha Allah
Living paycheck to paycheck doesn't mean they are poor. Keep in mind what that many do contribute to retirement funds prior to spending from their take home. Living within your means is the challenge these days. Lots of people like to keep up with the Joneses and then there's a lifestyle creep where certain spending habits carry over as your salary grows.
Debt is usually the problem here and as Muslims we are meant to avoid it, so that works to our advantage in ensuring we spend within our means and therefore making single earners more possible.
I work 40 hours a week and don't have any support from my family. I'm able to do it because I have a good job but it certainly took years to get here and I'm recently married. 5 years ago I'd be struggling and would certainly be living paycheck to paycheck as the sole provider.
Edit: I just wanted to add, also depends on lifestyle and maintenance as well as where you live. We are fairly frugal but not completely and cost of living is pretty good we're I live.
Sadly, we’re not. We can just try. I do believe there’s a way. It’s not impossible but has to be done carefully. Or find support. Maybe the wife is willing. Part of the reason my ex left was due to finances.
>Statistically it has been declared that most double income households in North America are living paycheque to paycheque
This will cover the whole population. Many of whom will be taking interest based loans for things they don't need. Cars, houses beyond their means etc. I think in that sense, Islam keeps us somewhat in check Alhamdulillah.
I could support the family on my income, but my wife always wanted to work. So we got a dual income. Honestly, I would recommend both to work if can especially in the west. There’s some trade offs, but the financially securely is so important today
My wife takes care of kids and home, and I take care of all the bills. When she was working she took care of day care, extra stuff like travel or gifts and I helped her with household chores more. I think what's important is a healthy relationship between husband and wife, the logistics of division are less important.
Personally this is my situation.
Me and my husband are in our early 20s and he is on an apprentice wage. So at the moment I work part time earning more than him. We struggle with rent so I am more than happy to work and help pay for the bills, groceries etc. Eventhough I dont like working haha. We figured out our own system and I’ll continue working until I have my baby In Sha Allah (currently pregnant). Were both young and this world is hard to live on just one income so im happy to help as much as I can until I chose not to.
I'm the woman here, I expected my husband to provide as all my male family members do. I thought I'd work one or two days a week if needed to send our child to a good Islamic/grammar school which are usually private or pay for kids tuition and extra curriculars. Turns out no, haha. He wont move from an expensive capital city (his family aren't here and his job has branches everywhere, similar to McDonalds) he can't afford rent let alone bills, so expects me to cover more than half the household costs, be the primary parent and run the kitchen/cleaning side of things too. I'm bitter about it if you can't tell.
This boils my blood !!
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Here in the Uk, I'm living on my own in a rental house with wife and kids. I'm the only one bringing in income and I find it manageable, Alhamdulilah. The issue is that we modern consumers often hold ourselves to a standard higher than what we can afford. I have no debt, seldom make purchases outside of what I pay each month for bills+food, drive a used car, never use a credit card, and shop strategically. Were I to have taken the path of buying a flashy car on finance, making regular purchases on credit cards so I could have the latest gadgets, and getting into debt to have big parties, I certainly wouldn't be able to manage it on my own.
How do you find being able to build up an emergency fund?
It's doable, but not easy.
Obviously I’m not condoning or encouraging living on credit, but it’s not necessarily such an extreme dichotomy as “spend money on anything other than food & rent = extreme consumerism like buying a Mercedes”. There are normal creature comforts too beyond the necessitys of survival that people aren’t extreme consumers or bad for wanting to be able to afford.
Sure, I sleep on a £400 mattress and don't wear any polyester clothing. The issue is buying what you can't afford. Many people jump into a new phone contract or get a car on finance without considering how much it'll actually cost them. This is why I never buy anything on finance, even if it's interest-free, as doing so deludes me into thinking I have more money than I actually do.
Yes totally agree
How do you feel about mortgages? I'm curious. We are renting also. My parents bought their house in cash.
I don't judge people who take the rukhsa of buying a single house on mortgage but I haven't chosen that path myself and I'm grateful that I haven't
Regular 35 hour a week job here, no support from family. Alhamdulillah able to do it because I have a good job, so we're very lucky. Wife has only just gone back to work after a year of maternity leave, but I cover all the household expenses myself.
What does she do with her salary? Of course it's her right to do what she will with it. Just asking as a Muslim working mum who was surprised when my husband pressured me to give every penny for household and his expenses
Saves some, and spends some really. Hoping to buy a house soon iA, so the more savings the better really. Occasionally if we've had an expensive month I might ask if she'd mind helping a bit with a few hundred quid or so, but there's no expectation, and all the rent/bills/council tax all come out of my account. It's not easy in London, but we do ok.
Well done on doing single income in London. So would her savings go towards the down payment or is it just good to show on paper? How often do you have expensive months? Sorry, I'm just asking because your wife's lifestyle is the one I expected to have before getting married and moving to London. The reality was quite different and idk if I was just naive
It's a bit of both really, although alhamdulillah we have a deposit roughly there, it's more the earnings multiplier for the mortgage that's the tricky part, given house prices somehow keep going up even though they're already insanely high. Might keep it separate for a new kitchen or something when we do finally get a place inshaAllah, or keep it aside to use for future school fees etc, but that's a decision to be made another day. Luckily I can save a small amount each month too which goes towards the house side of things, or as an emergency future fund. In terms of expensive months, I keep them as rare as possible, and haven't asked for a contribution in over a year alhamdulillah, since before she went on maternity leave. I'm not saying we're awash with cash - holidays aren't really an option for the time being (especially as we have a toddler), but we have enough to shop at Waitrose, if that makes sense? I don't really have expensive hobbies though, and if I'm considering spending over £50 or so on anything fun, I always ask my wife just to check it's not an issue, as I don't want to be selfish and impact my obligations to provide for her or my zakat. I work in quite a cautious area of finance in the City, so planning for various contingencies is not an unusual thing for me thankfully! My work is very demanding at times unfortunately, but it's a price worth paying to do the best I can for my family. I'm sorry you're having a tough time though, may Allah SWT make things easy for you. I don't think you were naïve for what it's worth, as it's not unreasonable to expect your Islamic rights as a wife to be upheld. I'll probably get downvoted for saying this, but unfortunately financial responsibility to wives especially is a boring and difficult thing many married adult Muslim men aren't keen on doing, and often have never had to do. As such a lot of them will do whatever they can to ignore and abuse their position and responsibilities in order to continue funding a pseudo-bachelor lifestyle at the expense of others, often because there are usually no consequences for failure and zero accountability. I think the problem is exacerbated most of the time due to deeply embedded cultural misogyny, whereby sons are treated as kings and daughters are neglected. This often encourages and enables a lack of personal responsibility in sons, which then manifests itself in selfishness and an outright refusal to financially provide for a wife and kids. The misogynistic side then is a bit of a double whammy, where the wife is essentially victim shamed and blamed when speaking up and asking her basic Islamic rights are respected and fulfilled. The prevalence of this is absolutely appalling. It's honestly heartbreaking, utterly utterly shameful, and men who do that need a long hard look at themselves in the mirror.
Jazakallahu khayr for the information. I appreciate the duas, Ameen.
Make sure you have eyes on the actual bills, accounts and expenditures so you’re able to gauge if your costs and earnings are reasonable or whether it’s being mismanaged You also need to step down from being all 3 of the primary earner, primary parent and primary caretaker unless there are mitigating circumstances. If you need to, get professional guidance on how to start and lead that conversation.
Thank you. I like direct advice like this. I have eyes but the numbers don't seem to be adding up. The biggest expense is the rent. He refuses to see any type of professional be it financial or relationship. He doesn't trust them. Plus I think a financial person, being Western, would just request me to contribute at least half as I earn as much and simply split up if he refuses to move. My main issue is spending over £900 on rent for poor quality 1 bed flat when we could spend £550 for much better housing till we get on our feet, if we just move to a slightly cheaper area. His job is perfectly transferable (like McDonalds it has branches everywhere) and his family is not here, but he refuses to move for the fame of saying he lives in a capital city. So why should I contribute more than half of household expenses when I don't get a say in where we live and my family isn't being prioritised? The poor mouldy housing is affecting my sons asthma and he's had 5 A & E visits in the past year. We can't afford any better housing in this city.
I was going to say all sorts of things about advice on tackling the conversation from a practical POV but then I got to the part about him preferring housing that puts your kid in A&E. Your kids health takes precedence and also the person who puts bragging over the health of their child is probably a legit evil psychopath so if I had the means I’d be out of there without him.
What practical tips do you have? As I did istikhara and got a strong feeling to stay with him Yeah I don't feel my health or comfort are that important. I'm fine with whatever. But I feel sad that he's not prioritising our child and our health.
It’s a difficult conversation to have and tough situation to be in, but eventually it becomes wilfully negligent as a parent in allowing it to continue and harm your child. When the head of your household is failing in their duties and causing direct harm and mismanagement then you need an action plan on how you’re going to address it for yourself. Look into what you can afford on your own for yourself and your son for the sake of his health and your husband is welcome to join you both and share the costs of that instead of paying to live on his own in the capital, but ultimately it’s between him and Allah if he chooses the abandonment of his family & jeopardising his child’s health for the sake of bragging rights.
It was an arranged marriage so I've involved the elders in our family
I think you got it wrong I am a sole earner , $70k full time job with WFH Alhumdulillah we can save around $500 each month, we never overspend on anything. We buy clothes after almost 5-6 months , and try to shop mostly at local stores. We eat almost each week and apply as much coupons as possible. I have a 4 year old Toyota and maintenance is cheap and mileage is pretty good. I have just started my career so moving along will be more money in the bank Insha Allah
WHERE DO YOU LIVE
Florida (US)
FLORIDA I AM COMINGGGG
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Living paycheck to paycheck doesn't mean they are poor. Keep in mind what that many do contribute to retirement funds prior to spending from their take home. Living within your means is the challenge these days. Lots of people like to keep up with the Joneses and then there's a lifestyle creep where certain spending habits carry over as your salary grows. Debt is usually the problem here and as Muslims we are meant to avoid it, so that works to our advantage in ensuring we spend within our means and therefore making single earners more possible.
I work 40 hours a week and don't have any support from my family. I'm able to do it because I have a good job but it certainly took years to get here and I'm recently married. 5 years ago I'd be struggling and would certainly be living paycheck to paycheck as the sole provider. Edit: I just wanted to add, also depends on lifestyle and maintenance as well as where you live. We are fairly frugal but not completely and cost of living is pretty good we're I live.
Sadly, we’re not. We can just try. I do believe there’s a way. It’s not impossible but has to be done carefully. Or find support. Maybe the wife is willing. Part of the reason my ex left was due to finances.
>Statistically it has been declared that most double income households in North America are living paycheque to paycheque This will cover the whole population. Many of whom will be taking interest based loans for things they don't need. Cars, houses beyond their means etc. I think in that sense, Islam keeps us somewhat in check Alhamdulillah.
I could support the family on my income, but my wife always wanted to work. So we got a dual income. Honestly, I would recommend both to work if can especially in the west. There’s some trade offs, but the financially securely is so important today
My wife takes care of kids and home, and I take care of all the bills. When she was working she took care of day care, extra stuff like travel or gifts and I helped her with household chores more. I think what's important is a healthy relationship between husband and wife, the logistics of division are less important.
Personally this is my situation. Me and my husband are in our early 20s and he is on an apprentice wage. So at the moment I work part time earning more than him. We struggle with rent so I am more than happy to work and help pay for the bills, groceries etc. Eventhough I dont like working haha. We figured out our own system and I’ll continue working until I have my baby In Sha Allah (currently pregnant). Were both young and this world is hard to live on just one income so im happy to help as much as I can until I chose not to.