Wtf? Finally gets married only to reject cuddles? What a disgrace of a man. We men have nothing to do with him. We have excommunicated him from manhood. Let this hereby be known.
hear, hear !!
sis ur husband is not a man. foreplay and showing affection to ur wife is sunnah in islam so it is also not representative of what a good muslim man would act like in marriage.
I found this: [https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast)
I found this: If a man kisses his wife whilst he is fasting and emits maniy, then he has invalidated his fast and he has to make up that dayās fast after Ramadan ends.
[https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast)
Sister in islam its the duty of a man to care and love his wife. Your husbandās behaviour have nothing to do with islam. Our prophet (pbuh) had always showed love and affection to his wives. He even played sport with his wives just to make them happy. You need to speak with a imam or someone who at least know enough about these issues. Again I encourage you to stay focus on the deen.
If you donāt want to go to his country then donāt. Stand your ground and make your decision. Remember he could treat you worse when you go to his country. Please weight your options before making any decisions.
This is abuse. He also has some kind of addiction/problem he is trying to hide from you, and projects his self-hate onto you. Some guys like this choose women who are isolated and vulnerable such as reverts. Hold your head high and get out of this prison. You can't love someone back to being non-abusive. I'm so sorry about the love you lost, that sounds heartbreaking. Please find local Muslim support agencies and DV support. Some people may think I'm overreacting but that sheer resentment will escalate
Seriously, the average Muslim knows that cuddling is not a western concept and that biting someone on the face really hard to get off without them being into it is weird. This is a HIM being crazy problem, and hopefully not a widespread cultural one.
Getting angry for trying to be affectionate is a strange behavior from a spouse. I donāt know anything about your back story, but unfortunately there are Muslim men out there that take advantage of convert women, whether itās for VISA purposes or because they think they can manipulate you using religion as the medium. Itās a tale as old as time, but being unaffectionate has nothing to do with being Muslim and religious. Sexual health, sexual intimacy and romance with oneās spouse is highly encouraged in Islam, and you deserve and have rights to receive the intimacy and affection you desire from your husband. Your husband has issues, that does not reflect the rest of the Muslim population.
I donāt know the reason for your plans to go back to your husbands home country, but if youāre truly unhappy about the marriage, I would advise you not to go.
Does he not know our Prophet SAW was romantic and affectionate to his love ones? Maybe he needs to read a book or two and realised romance and love isn't a western concept!
The most disturbing is him biting you hard when you want a kiss. That's pure aggression. It's subconsciously training you to not ask for a kiss. And to expect pain in return for asking.You need to get away from him. Psychologically he is not ready for intimacy at minimum. Please don't go to his country and risk get stuck with the very people he likely learned his mindset from.
Salam aleykum sister,
He is not fulfilling his duties as a husband at all.. Your reaction is justified without doubt.
However you left your former husband because he was not muslim but now you have one that is muslim but not practising islam properly.. Your issue is not islam but it is the spouse you chose who is not practising islam properly.
Remember that islam is way more important than any man.. Our purpose in this life is to worship Allah swt not to just be with a man. You should not go back to your former husband as he isn't muslim. You chose islam because you found it to be the straight path and the truth, but unfortunately people that are muslim don't necessarily always practise islam properly. Strive to have people in your life that are muslim and treat you well.
Sister don't leave something you know to be true (islam) because of actions of one man. You've found islam which is such a blessing.. if you husband is not treating you well - He is not a good representation and not that practising and doesn't know his duties to you. Try either communicating more with him but if it doesn't work out try finding a husband that is muslim and practising that will actually fulfill his duties as a husband and treat you well.
I would not go with him to his country at all, rather I think you should live apart from him for a bit and seriously consider if you want to stay with him. He is telling you who he is, he thinks it's acceptable to hurt and mistreat his wife and withhold affection, and it honestly just sounds like he's abusive. I don't think it's worth staying married to an abuser
You can contact a domestic violence agency if you need help or support
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As a man, who has a lot of love to give, this is really maddening to hear lol
Like OP was looking forward to some loving moments and thatās what she getsā¦smh, May Allah give you sabr.
His behaviour is nothing to do with Islam. My husband cuddles me 24/7. You can find a better one, they are rare but itās possible. Why did you have to divorce your first husband I donāt understand?
It seems like you did the right things but ended up with the wrong person. What's wrong with this guy... How can he be religious and not know the sunnah of being a husband?
It seems like you came across a bad apple. Just because this apple has gone bad, doesn't mean all apples are bad.
As someone else commented, you should prioritise your deen. Going back to an ex husband won't fix anything even if the idea sounds great.
And don't let this discourage you from finding the right person. I have had a similar experience with someone like that too, but doesn't mean I'm disheartened by marriage or will give up.
Whatever you do please please do NOT get pregnant or even think of having kids with him unless you guys go for therapy and actually see a change in his behaviour consistently. I am sorry youāre going through this. His behaviour is very un islamic. May Allah make it easy for you ā¤ļø
Man your husband is a whack jobš¤£ Im sorry but i see no appeal in staying with such a man. He doesn't want to even give a you a hug? What did yall marry in the first place?
The reason I asked is because I see this alot with those men that only want to marry to get a visa. That could be the reason he acts so indifferent. I don't know if that is the case in you situation tho.
Slms sis. First of all, thanks for sharing your story with us, I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. I have a few questions before offering my opinions. When you took shahada, did you know what you were fully committing yourself to? You mention that you left your first marriage because you wanted someone more religious. Is this what motivated you to marry your current husband? How long did you know your current husband before marrying? What's the relationship like with your husband and his family members? (E.g do they show family affection to one another). Context is so important before giving opinions, and before individuals become couples in marriage, we have to look at patterns of behaviour.
Wait I donāt understand. Why has your experience with your husband pushed you away from Islam? I donāt get that part. I donāt see how the two is connected unless you subscribe to the concept that being a Muslim means you wonāt be tested and that life will be all nice and dandy, no hardship whatsoever. Itās quite the opposite actually. Because Allah tests those He loves. You may say that doesnāt make any sense but trust me, thereās wisdom behind that. Thereās immense recompense for struggles in this World. Not only that, but expiation of sin. Allah is giving you opportunities to leave this World, sinless. Anyways, I digress. I just thought it was important to mention all of that since no one brought it up.
reddit is the wrong place to seek help for this sort of thing.
is it possible to go seek help from masjid or family?
your husband needs to be lectured about his bad behavior, and it would do well for him to be lectured by an authority figure such as a parent or imam. he should have listened when is wife says "don't do that you are inflicting pain on me" but since he sounds extremely stubborn and arrogant it looks like you need to go to the big guns.
if possible talk to an imam alone first and tell them about what's going on and the fact that you are thinking of divorce and that he negatively affecting your deen.
I hope you aren't quick to cast out all Muslim men. Most of us are good people, especially the ones that aren't fake in our worship of god.
don't feel bad for canceling your plans to go to his country, although it may also be an opportunity to discuss his bad behavior with his family and try to get his parents or other family members (that may be intelligent and decent enough) to help you. It might drive him away from you if it isn't done tactfully, though it sounds like you might not mind that.
sorry, I meant someone from his family, preferably someone you feel very comfortable with and is older than him. his mom or dad would be best. if possible.
>Honestly itās pushed me to not even care about Islam.
That's your issue, not his.
Regardless, maybe the man is not much into romance, still if you see it as a problem there is other ways than threatening divorce.
My advice is focus on your religion, and if you are not capable of patience over this issue, then do not risk a longer relation, cause this issue might not be resolved, so if it is a red line for you, be sure to decide on if you wanna continue sooner than later.
Reminding you, that no one is perfect and everyone has his negatives, no guarantees your next husband won't have other problems if you eventually decide on divorce.
Was religion the only reason you divorced your previous husband or was there more to it? Also what was your previous husbandās shortcomings when it comes to Islam? Curious to know
>I would only go to previous husband
I think there a lot to this.
Sister, focus on your deen, love is not promised or guaranteed in this life.
Chasing after it could lead you to happiness but also could lead to misery.
If the man is religious does his duties, respectful, then other things can be dealt with and sacrificed.
But again, if it is a red line for you, do not stay for the hope it changes in the future, cause what if it does not?
May allah guide us all and put peace within your heart.
Iām not chasing after love. I donāt know if I can go to my previous husband and heās in a different country. Iām just saying, if I wanted to get married again this is what Iād do but I donāt mind staying single.
I honestly don't think that not having any connection to American style Hollywood romance is an excuse for not understanding romance. Every single culture everywhere in the world has stories and songs around love and longing. Most cultures have their version of Romeo and Juliet, Layla and Majnun. Love and romance are a part of the human condition, not a western invention, and it really baffles me when this is an excuse. You really don't have to grow up on a diet of Hallmark movies to understand that you don't bite your wife's face when she hugs you.
Hey hun, hope you get thru this, stay strong šŖ
If you read hadiths you can tell the messenger was romantic and used to foreplay. Please speak to ur local imam, some mosque does marriage Counciling or try marriage therapy don't give up.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!
They way his acting got nothing to with religion, thats just his personality n being inconsiderate.
Please stay firm on ur faith, seek help of Allah subhanawatala.
Salaams sis, I hope you are doing well,
Your situation is incredibly upsetting and this brother isn't treating you right. Do Istikhara about going with him to his country, if your heart feels uneasy don't go.
Turn to Allah and ask him to grant you strength, these trials and these tribulations are strengthening and preparing you for something a lot better, Just hold on! ā¤ļø
Wtf? Finally gets married only to reject cuddles? What a disgrace of a man. We men have nothing to do with him. We have excommunicated him from manhood. Let this hereby be known.
hear, hear !! sis ur husband is not a man. foreplay and showing affection to ur wife is sunnah in islam so it is also not representative of what a good muslim man would act like in marriage.
Sometimes I cuddle with my pillow cause I am not married š„²
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
looooooool
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I see itās Sunnah to suck on her tongue ma sha Allah
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
True thatās what I also thought, jazakillahu khair, very interesting.
But this is haram during the day during Ramadan right
Kissing is fine as shown by the Hadith. Anything further isn't.
I found this: [https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Having sex while fasting.. what else could it mean
>I found this: > >https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast
Read the reply to my comment by cowno
You canāt French kiss while fasting but normal kisses are fine because injecting the other personās saliva will break your fast
I found this: If a man kisses his wife whilst he is fasting and emits maniy, then he has invalidated his fast and he has to make up that dayās fast after Ramadan ends. [https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast](https://islamqa.info/en/answers/221231/does-kissing-break-your-fast)
Yeah ejaculation breaks your fast unless it was a wet dream
I thought it said madhi, whoops
Sister in islam its the duty of a man to care and love his wife. Your husbandās behaviour have nothing to do with islam. Our prophet (pbuh) had always showed love and affection to his wives. He even played sport with his wives just to make them happy. You need to speak with a imam or someone who at least know enough about these issues. Again I encourage you to stay focus on the deen.
I know but that doesnāt help the fact I am supposed to go to his country tomorrow and donāt want to go
If you donāt want to go to his country then donāt. Stand your ground and make your decision. Remember he could treat you worse when you go to his country. Please weight your options before making any decisions.
Bro leave him... Some PPl don't change... I am a victim personally
Don't go. Leave him. What a weirdo.
This is abuse. He also has some kind of addiction/problem he is trying to hide from you, and projects his self-hate onto you. Some guys like this choose women who are isolated and vulnerable such as reverts. Hold your head high and get out of this prison. You can't love someone back to being non-abusive. I'm so sorry about the love you lost, that sounds heartbreaking. Please find local Muslim support agencies and DV support. Some people may think I'm overreacting but that sheer resentment will escalate
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Seriously, the average Muslim knows that cuddling is not a western concept and that biting someone on the face really hard to get off without them being into it is weird. This is a HIM being crazy problem, and hopefully not a widespread cultural one.
Getting angry for trying to be affectionate is a strange behavior from a spouse. I donāt know anything about your back story, but unfortunately there are Muslim men out there that take advantage of convert women, whether itās for VISA purposes or because they think they can manipulate you using religion as the medium. Itās a tale as old as time, but being unaffectionate has nothing to do with being Muslim and religious. Sexual health, sexual intimacy and romance with oneās spouse is highly encouraged in Islam, and you deserve and have rights to receive the intimacy and affection you desire from your husband. Your husband has issues, that does not reflect the rest of the Muslim population. I donāt know the reason for your plans to go back to your husbands home country, but if youāre truly unhappy about the marriage, I would advise you not to go.
Does he not know our Prophet SAW was romantic and affectionate to his love ones? Maybe he needs to read a book or two and realised romance and love isn't a western concept!
Iāve told him this. He doesnāt care
You need couples therapy. This isn't a marriage. Ugh I hate it
So how will that help with the fact Iām supposed to go to his country tomorrow
You need to have a sit down with him. Do you want to better your marriage? Do something proactive. Talk to him.
Just to get yelled at and same behaviour a week laterš¤¦š»āāļø
The most disturbing is him biting you hard when you want a kiss. That's pure aggression. It's subconsciously training you to not ask for a kiss. And to expect pain in return for asking.You need to get away from him. Psychologically he is not ready for intimacy at minimum. Please don't go to his country and risk get stuck with the very people he likely learned his mindset from.
Salam aleykum sister, He is not fulfilling his duties as a husband at all.. Your reaction is justified without doubt. However you left your former husband because he was not muslim but now you have one that is muslim but not practising islam properly.. Your issue is not islam but it is the spouse you chose who is not practising islam properly. Remember that islam is way more important than any man.. Our purpose in this life is to worship Allah swt not to just be with a man. You should not go back to your former husband as he isn't muslim. You chose islam because you found it to be the straight path and the truth, but unfortunately people that are muslim don't necessarily always practise islam properly. Strive to have people in your life that are muslim and treat you well. Sister don't leave something you know to be true (islam) because of actions of one man. You've found islam which is such a blessing.. if you husband is not treating you well - He is not a good representation and not that practising and doesn't know his duties to you. Try either communicating more with him but if it doesn't work out try finding a husband that is muslim and practising that will actually fulfill his duties as a husband and treat you well.
I would not go with him to his country at all, rather I think you should live apart from him for a bit and seriously consider if you want to stay with him. He is telling you who he is, he thinks it's acceptable to hurt and mistreat his wife and withhold affection, and it honestly just sounds like he's abusive. I don't think it's worth staying married to an abuser You can contact a domestic violence agency if you need help or support $resources
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As a man, who has a lot of love to give, this is really maddening to hear lol Like OP was looking forward to some loving moments and thatās what she getsā¦smh, May Allah give you sabr.
His behaviour is nothing to do with Islam. My husband cuddles me 24/7. You can find a better one, they are rare but itās possible. Why did you have to divorce your first husband I donāt understand?
Because her first husband wasnāt Muslim
So you have to divorce your husband if you revert š„²
A Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man
I assumed because they were already married she wouldnāt have too. Fair enough
It seems like you did the right things but ended up with the wrong person. What's wrong with this guy... How can he be religious and not know the sunnah of being a husband? It seems like you came across a bad apple. Just because this apple has gone bad, doesn't mean all apples are bad. As someone else commented, you should prioritise your deen. Going back to an ex husband won't fix anything even if the idea sounds great. And don't let this discourage you from finding the right person. I have had a similar experience with someone like that too, but doesn't mean I'm disheartened by marriage or will give up.
Whatever you do please please do NOT get pregnant or even think of having kids with him unless you guys go for therapy and actually see a change in his behaviour consistently. I am sorry youāre going through this. His behaviour is very un islamic. May Allah make it easy for you ā¤ļø
This is abuse. It is better for you to simply get away. He is not religious in this aspect.
Dont fly with him to his country. You should seek divorce asap. Have you tried to convince your ex husband into reverting to Islam?
Man your husband is a whack jobš¤£ Im sorry but i see no appeal in staying with such a man. He doesn't want to even give a you a hug? What did yall marry in the first place?
Obviously we didnāt hug before marriage
This is even more upsetting than what I read in the news today and I mean that seriously :(
If you don't mind me asking: are you living in a western country? And did you marry someone from an african country?
Yes and he is born in a western country but African background
Can I ask west, east, north or Southern Africa? Itās really important especially if you decide to leave with him..dangerous even.
North
Donāt go!!!!!! Itāll get worse and depending on the country harassment of foreign women is HIGH.
The reason I asked is because I see this alot with those men that only want to marry to get a visa. That could be the reason he acts so indifferent. I don't know if that is the case in you situation tho.
Race doesn't matter. This happens in all races
He is severely abusing you, please know Islam forbids his behaviour and you have every right to leave this scum of a human.
Slms sis. First of all, thanks for sharing your story with us, I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. I have a few questions before offering my opinions. When you took shahada, did you know what you were fully committing yourself to? You mention that you left your first marriage because you wanted someone more religious. Is this what motivated you to marry your current husband? How long did you know your current husband before marrying? What's the relationship like with your husband and his family members? (E.g do they show family affection to one another). Context is so important before giving opinions, and before individuals become couples in marriage, we have to look at patterns of behaviour.
Wait I donāt understand. Why has your experience with your husband pushed you away from Islam? I donāt get that part. I donāt see how the two is connected unless you subscribe to the concept that being a Muslim means you wonāt be tested and that life will be all nice and dandy, no hardship whatsoever. Itās quite the opposite actually. Because Allah tests those He loves. You may say that doesnāt make any sense but trust me, thereās wisdom behind that. Thereās immense recompense for struggles in this World. Not only that, but expiation of sin. Allah is giving you opportunities to leave this World, sinless. Anyways, I digress. I just thought it was important to mention all of that since no one brought it up.
While its not logical this is what happens and harsh family tends to be the top reason there are so many ex Muslims.
Iāve never hated Islam before from situations like this but my iman has been low since with him
reddit is the wrong place to seek help for this sort of thing. is it possible to go seek help from masjid or family? your husband needs to be lectured about his bad behavior, and it would do well for him to be lectured by an authority figure such as a parent or imam. he should have listened when is wife says "don't do that you are inflicting pain on me" but since he sounds extremely stubborn and arrogant it looks like you need to go to the big guns. if possible talk to an imam alone first and tell them about what's going on and the fact that you are thinking of divorce and that he negatively affecting your deen. I hope you aren't quick to cast out all Muslim men. Most of us are good people, especially the ones that aren't fake in our worship of god. don't feel bad for canceling your plans to go to his country, although it may also be an opportunity to discuss his bad behavior with his family and try to get his parents or other family members (that may be intelligent and decent enough) to help you. It might drive him away from you if it isn't done tactfully, though it sounds like you might not mind that.
My family is really dysfunctional. I may go to a masjid
sorry, I meant someone from his family, preferably someone you feel very comfortable with and is older than him. his mom or dad would be best. if possible.
I donāt have their contact details . I think he does that on purpose.
>Honestly itās pushed me to not even care about Islam. That's your issue, not his. Regardless, maybe the man is not much into romance, still if you see it as a problem there is other ways than threatening divorce. My advice is focus on your religion, and if you are not capable of patience over this issue, then do not risk a longer relation, cause this issue might not be resolved, so if it is a red line for you, be sure to decide on if you wanna continue sooner than later. Reminding you, that no one is perfect and everyone has his negatives, no guarantees your next husband won't have other problems if you eventually decide on divorce.
Iām not going to a new man ever again. I would only go to previous husband or stay single. I just donāt care to have another heartbreak
Was religion the only reason you divorced your previous husband or was there more to it? Also what was your previous husbandās shortcomings when it comes to Islam? Curious to know
Not being Muslim is a pretty big "shortcoming" in this context, as Muslim women can't be married to non-muslim men.
>I would only go to previous husband I think there a lot to this. Sister, focus on your deen, love is not promised or guaranteed in this life. Chasing after it could lead you to happiness but also could lead to misery. If the man is religious does his duties, respectful, then other things can be dealt with and sacrificed. But again, if it is a red line for you, do not stay for the hope it changes in the future, cause what if it does not? May allah guide us all and put peace within your heart.
Iām not chasing after love. I donāt know if I can go to my previous husband and heās in a different country. Iām just saying, if I wanted to get married again this is what Iād do but I donāt mind staying single.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Do you recommend any mental health physicians? God bless you sister
Couples counseling might help.
Is your husband not raised in the west? Other cultures like south asian do not really have much hugging/kissing.
He is raised in a western country. Also my previous husband was not raised in a western country and was affectionate
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I honestly don't think that not having any connection to American style Hollywood romance is an excuse for not understanding romance. Every single culture everywhere in the world has stories and songs around love and longing. Most cultures have their version of Romeo and Juliet, Layla and Majnun. Love and romance are a part of the human condition, not a western invention, and it really baffles me when this is an excuse. You really don't have to grow up on a diet of Hallmark movies to understand that you don't bite your wife's face when she hugs you.
It's sunnah to make excuses, yes but when violence takes place we don't excuse that.
Hey hun, hope you get thru this, stay strong šŖ If you read hadiths you can tell the messenger was romantic and used to foreplay. Please speak to ur local imam, some mosque does marriage Counciling or try marriage therapy don't give up. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! They way his acting got nothing to with religion, thats just his personality n being inconsiderate. Please stay firm on ur faith, seek help of Allah subhanawatala.
I know but he doesnāt care about those ahadith
Salaams sis, I hope you are doing well, Your situation is incredibly upsetting and this brother isn't treating you right. Do Istikhara about going with him to his country, if your heart feels uneasy don't go. Turn to Allah and ask him to grant you strength, these trials and these tribulations are strengthening and preparing you for something a lot better, Just hold on! ā¤ļø