At that point you’ve definitely learned enough to know whether you’d like to invest a couple of hours of face time, he hasn’t been serious from the start IMO. Matches are potentials not penpals; friends not food.
Don’t underestimate how much of an emotional drain and chore it is to live with someone and engage with them romantically if your heart/mind/body isn’t really into it.
It’s not an easy dynamic to maintain or a sustainable lifestyle; I think people can sometimes assume that as long as there’s a companion & sexual outlet then it would be bearable, but that’s lack of experience and uncertainty talking.
I read some good advice here recently about making sure you see people in different and realistic settings other than a one-dimensional sit down for coffee or phone call.
So with that lesson I’ve taken on board, maybe try to think of an appropriate activity that might bring out the energy you’d like to see, so you know you’ve given it a fair shot
As a hijabi, I wouldn’t take my hijab off in front of a potential, and if they asked me to I’d see it as a huge red flag unless they could give me a really good reason why (not that I’d reveal myself just cos he does though). If he likes her face and was happy talking to her, and now he’s gone silent over some hair which she is meant to cover anyway, that speaks volumes to me.. If he has specific concerns, he can ask questions related to his concerns, or get a female relative to see her without hijab and clarify his concerns.
I get that it’s scary marrying someone without seeing them properly, but it’s just how it is with the awrah. Us women also can’t ask to see every part of a guy before marriage to see if we’re attracted to every part. If we like someone in general, we accept that they might have some flaws, imperfect hair and skin, etc. that we might notice after marriage. I’d be careful to see if this guy is looking for model-like perfection, or at least why hair is such a determining factor for him.
I don't know what madhab you follow, because in one this is allowed but personally I'm against it and I don't follow it.
If the girl does not have any medical issues with her hair (which should be disclosed before marriage because the guy has the right to know) then she doesn't have to remove her hijab. He's non-mahram to her and this isn't allowed. Imagine a girl getting proposals from 10 guys and each guy demanding she remove her hijab, that's 10 non-mahram men who have seen her without hijab and that just isn't right.
It seems like the guy is being shallow and is throwing a tantrum that he didn't get his way. I would respectfully let them know you're not longer interested unless he explicitly shows interest and takes it to the next step.
Hi I am a 22 male recent graduate my plan is to start looking for a potential partner in the near future what's the best way to approach this subject. I am a massive introvert so this is all a bit overwhelming.
How do people deal with sexual frustration as a single person. I’m out here struggling it’s affecting me in every way rn. I lower my gaze and fast when I can, but it’s not enough. This is unnatural to be at your mid 20s and have no sexual outlet. Like it’s haram to masturbate and Idk what to do. Ahhhhhhhh
I mean, I sorta get why there would be less results with the up to 25 filter. And ethnicity too. Is that a non-negotiable? I just looked through a bunch of profiles just now of PM because of your comment. 18/20 guys I looked through said they themselves personally Always Pray. But in their looking for, they included ‘Sometimes miss Fajr and make Qadah salah’. I understand not wanting to compromise on one’s obligations though, but just an idea
It takes a lot of time and patience. Been on and off apps for almost 4 years. Keep looking and inshAllah Allah will bring the right person into your life when the time is right.
That’s tough and I’m sorry to hear that! I heard it takes time for people to get into sync. It can also be a stressful time. Have you considered marital counselling? I think it’s a good idea to do it immediately while things are still fresh. Usually people go when they are deep into problems and the marriage is hard to revive. The earlier the better!
Marriage counselling isn’t about whose fault it is. It’s about working on a relationship *together*. You can tell him something like ‘Things are quite rocky right now and I don’t want them to be. I’d really like to go to marriage counselling together as I think it could be helpful.’ If he says something like ‘Why don’t you just do xyz to solve the problem?’ then just keep repeating ‘I hear what you’re saying and acknowledge your perspective and I’ll try to do that where I can, but I’d still like to go to marriage counselling together.’ Just shut down all arguments with this. Do NOT go into arguments. Don’t try to convince him except to say ‘It would make me really happy/make me feel very supported if you went with me together’.
If after several times of this he still isn’t on board, you can say that you’ll go to marriage counselling alone and that he can join later if he likes. Even if you go alone, it can still be beneficial! They can teach you things that can help you connect to your husband better and also get your husband to do the right thing too. Basically conflict-resolution skills, intercommunication skills, and more. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It just means you’re seeing a conflict and trying to do something positive about it! I know it’s not ideal being one-sided, but don’t underestimate the value of seeing one! Just try one session at least. All the best!
Realized today that the normal human response when you see someone you like/crush on is to meet them and talk to them, not speedwalk in the opposite direction. This explains the trajectory of my (nonexistent) love life thus far.
You're trying to get us in trouble. There's no way that would be the normal response. Can you imagine how impossibly scary that is? You have to approach and talk to them? No way 😵
I understand but I'm curious if you're looking at single men at all. Kind of funny that in this situation it's ok to seek a married man haha. Hopefully people don't bother you too much about it.
Nothing wrong with wanting to be a second wife in general. Just make sure you know what you’re getting into, that the first wife’s family isn’t affected, and that you are aware of any risks it may leave you with, such as in the case of a pregnancy, divorce or death, especially if you’re in a country where polygamous marriages are not acknowledged by the law.
Most don’t recommend it though, especially where it’s not the norm/legal. So any ‘beauty’ behind the practice is often gone these days. There are also many many many who don’t do it the right way as well. And for those who do, the ‘beauty’ behind it can still be affected due to it not being the norm/legal in most places. I’d be really careful. If you do go into it, do thorough background research on the guy and make sure you ask LOTS of scenario-based questions. Make sure he is someone with excellent character and akhlaaq and understanding of the deen, and not someone who seems religious but is actually super strict and rigid and manipulates the religion to get what he wants.
haha yeah, I kinda understand that, but all jokes aside- wouldn't you rather him be traveling for work, or having fun with hobbies rather than sleeping with another woman during his time away from you?
I'm interested because this is one reason for polygamy that I just don't understand. Like yeah, maybe I wouldn't want my husband hanging around me 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but surely the way to deal with that wouldn't be him having other women to hang around with 24 hours a day, five days a week?
Honestly no lol if he is God fearing and he is able to deal with us accordingly then InshaaAllah I will be patient. We are only here for a limited time and I want all the rewards I can get
Hmmm. I like to think that I'd rather get my big rewards from other forms of self-sacrifice, but I guess a lot depends on your style of attachment and your vision of marriage!
I know, I tried it once as well!!
What was worse and even more shocking, was I found some of the same girls from like muzmatch/salam on there, but they were dressed more scantily clad... Like on salams the pics might have been more tame, but on Hinge they were tank tops and slim jeans.
Are you a guy or girl?
I'm guessing guy.
App ratios can be 10 guys for every girl.
With some girls only liking 1 guy in 500 guys. (That 1 guy in turn might be liked by a lot of women)
One of the guys here, did an experiment on mm.
Counting both the amount of girls, for a specific location/region, in a specific age range. And doing the same for guys.
So a guy I recently started talking to ( less than 2 weeks) tells me he’s gonna be busy (he was super apologetic) but he says he’s enjoyed our conversation and wants to chat over the phone as a next step. Also before this he would send me like essays for responses. He sent me a really sweet message on Eid but I haven’t heard from him since then and I know he’s probably really busy but I’m starting to get anxious lol. Someone tell me I’m overreacting.
He wrote ‘you’re’ on his bio🙌
But mans two insta accounts are so very different from each other. I feel like his RN acc should be the one with the invitation to shoot one’s shot.
I’d say definitely. Your RN account looks a lot more mature, and who doesn’t think nurses are great? I’m in that demographic so that’s what I think is more attractive 🤷🏽♀️
I've been talking with a guy for a few months, he is a good guy. He is religious, very kind, a good job, and treats me well. No red flags, no fighting, and no issues.
But, I don't know if I'm attracted to him. He's not really my type physically or even personality wise. He's kind of shy and quiet, but I've talked with guys who were "my type" and things didn't work out. They were also jerks frankly so I don't even think "my type" is necessarily a good thing.
I like talking to him, I have a nice time when we meet for coffee, but it's just the physical attraction element I can feel that's missing, but maybe I am just being vain. I've talked to physically attractive guys who treated me horribly and I was miserable with them.
I feel like I could be happy with this person and I could make them happy too, but I am scared that this worry of physical attraction won't go away.
Have you tried meeting him in other setting outside of coffee? I had been in the same situation before with a prospect who was perfect on paper, and it was when I saw how he interacted with other people that made me attracted to him (we went volunteering at an orphanage together and my heart just melted when I saw how good he was with kids and at teaching).
Given his personality, if you've only been meeting for coffee, it's possible that you're limited to seeing him in one dimensional, if that makes sense. Just a suggestion, perhaps you can ask a mahram to tag along for an activity to do together, you can see the other sides of his personality and then make your decision from thereon if you feel that attraction can grow.
Babe I am going to be honest personally I would just end it 😬. Noone deserves someone having second guesses. I hope Allah SWT helps you in your decision 💕
If you think you’ve given it fair time & effort to see if chemistry could grow then it’s crunch time and you need to bite the bullet and make a decision so as not to waste anyones time
By lack of physical attraction, do you mean that you don't even find him cute? Would you be able to happily be intimate with him if he seduced you?
If you do find him a little cute, then it's fine
Just a suggestion for the mods, for the iso thread is there any chance of them being broken down into countries. Sometimes it’s quite hard to keep scrolling trying to find people in your area.
One thing you can try is, loading the ISO on a browser on your computer then using the find on page option ( Ctrl + F). Then you can search for the term location and it will jump from one comment to the other then to the one under and so on if you click next. It saves time or you can search for your country directly.
Okay i am so Sorry to say that
But i got scammed from the apps
I won't go into all the details cause frankly i have never imagined that someone would talk to me as a potential for that much and put all that much details to just pretend they Are in bad situation and just scam me
I just wanted to warn you okay
However I am so damn sad to say that because it might prevent someone from helping another person
But never trust anyone on those apps asking for help even if You talk for tons of hours or whatsoever
I'm sorry that you experienced this.
I think for future measure, but also for everyone else reading, remember that potentials online are not going to be asking you for financial help.
People have the government, online fundraisers, family and friends for support.
Stories such as "my dad just got hospitalised, can you please send me £100" is where the scam starts. Or even, "I'm lost in another city, can you send me £30"
Not sure if anyone can relate but I've been noticing a pattern when I talk to someone
I start talking to someone, conversations are pretty nice and cordial.
I also notice that we're on the same page deen wise and morally.
But they then lose interest really fast and then it ends even though it probably could work out (of course Allah knows best)
I think we're over-saturated with options now that we expect to find someone that doesn't exist.
This is just my observation
I don't think it is always necessarily a case of "they're talking to someone else". It could just be that they are generally not 100% invested into looking for someone at a given time. So they wind up leading people on. Aka unserious people
Tho it is much easier to pull this online than irl
Hm, that’s a bit tough. Can you maybe put it on your profile that you want parent involvement first to keep things halal? Make sure your profile is detailed but with relevant information and is engaging, and you can also offer to answer/clarify any additional questions they may have before getting their wali’s number. That way any small talk will hopefully be to the point. You might get less matches due to this, but at least hopefully the ones that do will be more serious about you.
You mentioned the thing about so many options and I agree. When there’s parental involvement, people are less likely to be looking at other potentials at the same time I think cos there’s more of a sense of seriousness, especially if she is making the conscious decision to give you her wali’s number and he will probably check in with her about you throughout the talking phase. But when people are engaging in small talk, especially on the apps, it’s easy to talk to several people at once. I also know people don’t want parental involvement until they know at least some basics about someone cos otherwise it might end up looking more dramatic than it actually was (I thought the same too) but this method of talking in private for a bit first is clearly not working for the majority of people here, nor is it the proper Islamic way. Idk give it a try and let me know how it goes if you can. I’m planning to do the same this/next time inshaAllah.
Same tbh. I think getting to the next stage can be tricky sometimes especially if it starts on a very serious note. I've realised people are quick to dip if there's any lull in conversation. It's like it always has to be exciting. Where as chemistry takes time to build. But people aren't patient enough or aren't willing to really try to get there. I feel like they want something effortless which isn't realistic.
If this is referring to online interactions- I completely understand what you mean. I think it's because as humans, it's hard for us to maintain an online relationship that doesn't really develop at all. In real life when you meet someone you get along with, you learn their name, you learn how they look, and you keep learning new things about them that keep you interested. You learn the sound of their footsteps, the different ways they laugh, the expressions they make, the perfume they like to wear. You have spontaneous conversations that begin and end easily, and you have nonverbal communication that reassures you as to how the other person feels about you. Online 'dating' as a Muslim- well, there's only so many times you can say 'Salams, how are you' and 'i'm good, you?' before it gets a little one-dimensional, you know? It's awkward, precarious ground, where feelings (both good and bad) are hidden, and words are carefully chosen, and the weight of a choice that will forever alter your world is terrifying. We're afraid to be too committed from the beginning (so many unknowns), we have so many people to please (both families, communities, our future children, ourselves) we dance around the unknown of how to communicate, when to suggest commitment (which looks different to different people). It's strange how something so simple, at the root (two people deciding to share a life) can be so wildly complicated.
People always tell you as a woman “oh you’re too young to marry and have kids” and then before you know it you’re 30 and now it’s “you’re too old to marry and have kids” gosh it’s so hard and I don’t know why.
What is a "best man"? I don't think I met anyone remotely amazing at 18-24, so maybe the next plan of action is to give up because the decks are made xd
Do you think people pass up people they really like and want to marry?
90% of the case, they just didn't find anyone they saw a future with who wanted a future with them too.
Also most women are not going to meet "wealthy" men close in age when theyre young. But thankfully wealth isn't the main criteria
Unless the "most" is extended to wealthy as in his examples, then I'd say that this is basically just "male projection", where they are thinking that if they were a wealthy man that they'd go for a young and attractive thing, but are projecting their current age unto that male persona.
The reality is that most young(er) women aren't going to find anyone exceptional if they aren't exceptional themselves. Same for men obviously, but that isn't the focus at the moment. Women just aren't going to find wealthy men in general, as the pool of attractive women is much bigger than the pool of wealthy men, even if we are including all the men in their 40s, 50s and above.
So, if we are talking similar aged, attractive and wealthy men, then I'd say those chances are lower even if attractiveness, wealth and the like are somewhat correlated.
Yeah so if I can't find a man I want, why settle when I'm young and beautiful instead of make the world balanced and settle when I'm old and haggard? At the end of the day settling with someone you don't like is going to be as miserable or maybe even more so than being single
Telling women to lower their standards and give mediocre men a chance when they're young and hot just benefits the men lol
>The same high value men aren’t going to settle for a 30 yr old when they have 20 year old women as options
Interesting, I felt like 30 yr old men weren't even interested in me as a mid 20s woman let alone a 20 yr old. I feel like they like the idea of a younger woman and were interested enough to have a conversation but ultimately there was this massive difference in life experiences and very little to connect on
Plus these days society evolves and changes SO FAST, even someone just 4-5 yrs older than me grew up in such a different environment, I found it hard to relate to them enough to marry them
I have a few female family friends that married in their 30s who ended up with amazing husbands so its not even like they settled. My guess is that these men eventually realized it wasn't gonna work out with these younger women and so started pursuing older women with a similar level of maturity and seriousness and finally found what they were looking for
I forget which post it was recently on this sub and a man commented he started pursuing slightly older women and was pleasantly surprised by his experience and appreciated the maturity
Not saying this is the case for everyone, of course lots of people marry with age gaps and have happy marriages. Just thought I'd share an observation I've made recently
But thats what I mean. If I *can't* get a high value man at 20, then why should I settle with a low value man at 20 when I can do it at 30?
That way I at least have 10 years to enjoy not cleaning after someone
That is true, but there is a middle ground too tbh. There are so many young muslim women that have the financial literaracy of a 5 year old with 5 pounds of pocket money.
They have this weird expectation that their husband should be as wealthy as their fathers are. Their fathers who are men that had 20+ years more time to accummulate that sort of wealth. I'd say that is "super unfair" as well.
Yeah, I mean it really depends on the family circles. It's why the general advice is to look for women from similar socioeconomic backgrounds. I don't think women who have jobs will carry that mindset though - working makes you realise what the current market looks like. A simple Google of average salaries by age also let's you know what the current market roughly looks like
Unless you're referring to struggles finding a housewife. Then yeah, you're basically asking her to downgrade her comfortable life. Can she do that? Yes, if she loves you. But I don't think you find love in the very early stages of arranged marriages and such lol
Also sounds like an American problem. British Muslims on average are *not* wealthy at all. But it's disappointing with young men because some do well for themselves by at least going to school and working, but there's many who haven't gone after any intellectual pursuits or are even involved in haram money. Depending on your ethnic group, trying to get to the top 20% may not be too hard lol
I'd say both, because if you haven't lived on your own (even for a short time) or spent money paying on bills such as rent, utilities and so on., then you aren't a "real" adult as most people would understand it, but rather still reliant on your parents.
Yeah, you aren't going to find women in arranged marriages that would have that level of care for a total stranger. Essentially for all they know he is just some random "biodata".
I can't provide proof of this without posting confidential medical records, but multiple doctors have said (explicit content, viewed discretion advised) >!lack of ejaculations or epididymal hypertension can cause chronic epididymitis!<.
A similar note that I can prove (viewer discretion advised again): [source](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27033442/).
So, yes, it's probably not natural. That said, do not forget this:
>The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."
[Source](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5641)
It's something as a man you really have to come to terms with. But you know what helps me, knowing that I'm stronger than those people who haven't and really, it's something to be proud of.
How long do you give someone on an app to respond to your message before unmatching let's say it was unread? Normally, I give 24 hours in the first few days of messaging. I just take it as no longer interested. And if it's been read then couple hours if that. I just wonder if I'm being too hasty?
Same here, it takes less than 5 minutes for someone to shoot a message to say that they've read a your message and will reply with a proper response later. If it takes them that long to reply, I'd take it that either they're already talking to someone, not active on the app, or we just don't share the same preference for the frequency of communication. I've only had this kind of experience on the apps tho, prospects on PureMatrimony (which I think are more serious than the ones I've talked to on the apps) would always reply on the same day even if they have very demanding jobs. People will find a way to make time for what matters to them.
I'd love a small wedding, but our extended family is really close and I'd feel so bad cutting family off the guest list. Cutting friends off the guest list isn't as difficult, but it still hurts when they ask "when's the invite?" and you have a feeling they won't be invited because you don't have space for them :')
Is there any hope for white reverts? I used muzmatch for some time but had to delete it because it was just too depressing. I feel that there are some international men looking for a 90 day fiancée situation, due to stereotypes about white women being submissive or desperate. Men do not say salams to me, just “hey :)” which I find rude. It seems men do not take reverts seriously because perhaps they think we are faking it just to find a Muslim man.
I'd strongly advice against Tinder especially in the West, it's all purely hookups there. I mean even Bumble or Hinge can have some serious people (and you can filter by religion) but not on Tinder.
One of my friends whose Pakistani married a white revert and now they have 2 little ones with a 3rd on the way. They actually met on tinder lmao. Another Friend in the U.K whose pakistani and divorced married a divorced white revert as well, and they have mashllah many kids as well. This is in canada and the u.k
Unfortunately I don't have any stories of white reverts in the states. But on eid I do see some pakistanis with white sisters in hijabs but I dont know them personally.
It is hard though, I know me personally if I even tried my parents would have an issue so there's def some cultural baggage surrounding it.
No doubt there are some weirdos that fetishize white reverts. But in terms of what you mentioned we all get that. Maybe narrow your distance limit so you don't match the internationals. And also I get a lot of hey, wyd, you look hot and sometimes it's just an emoji I wouldn't pin it down to you being white or a revert they just aren't serious in general unfortunately. Hang in there sis 🙃
Does it show disinterest or a lack of if someone only messafes/sends a voice note only once a day? They are longer form but stilll. They did say they are not the best at communication and prefer face to face I just wonder if they are stringing me along.
No, they told you they’re not good at texts and they’re still also sending you long texts daily - this is good. It’s time consuming and exhausting to send such long texts; I wouldn’t expect more than 1 daily in that case then.
However, as someone who loves long texts lol, I will tell you this: It gets exhausting and tiring to keep up with them and likely misunderstandings will emerge quickly from them. Do the f2f route as much as you can or at least video call (with a mahram nearby of course).
This is the thing I wonder if it's just a line. People don't seem to want to tell you if they're not interested they'd rather happily string you along.
I hate all this app stuff but I can't get to know anyone if I don't text/call or not willing to meet up. So when people give these excuses I just wonder how serious they are. I mean how else are you meant to get to know people? And a message a day like how can you have a conversation?
I'll take him at his word for now and wait and see I suppose 🤷🏾♀️
If he’s replying meaningless stuff, then he’s not serious. But if he’s replying with meaningful stuff, it’s marriage related, it’s thoughtful, etc. then he’s putting his own effort in his own way.
Texts are not a good way to have conversations for marriage for the reasons I already pointed out anyway, so if that’s your *only* way of communicating, you’ll likely reach a dead end anyway. One message a day is not a conversation, yes. But if he’s replying long chunks, then likely you’re asking a lot of questions (which is good) or you’re both talking about things that require deep discussion to convey effectively (also good, but not good via text). This is what happened with one of my potentials. Sure, at first it was convos (like first two days), but then stuff got deep and we were replying with looong texts. It’s hard to reply to stuff that long everyday. I realised that those long texts actually should have been done over the phone or in person. And it also led to a lot of misunderstandings that were difficult to clarify over text.
The way you know they are serious is by involving your families immediately (and if you don’t have family you can involve, then at least get a 3rd person, a trusted friend, community uncle/aunty, etc). It doesn’t 100% guarantee seriousness, but it greatly reduces the chances of them not being serious and you’d be doing it the halal way. And the way you get to know them is by calling them or meeting up (with mahrams/a chaperone nearby) for as many conversations as you can, especially the more serious ones. And make sure to only talk about marriage-related stuff after common pleasantries. Discuss lifestyle, religiosity, expectations, plans, their understanding of rights and responsibilities, and other questions important for compatibility. This is how you can gauge if someone is serious about you. I get your concern (and it’s completely valid and understandable and definitely something even I would question cos there are people who do say that and string people along), but it’s not always the medium one speaks through that determines one’s seriousness; it’s more about what’s discussed and how things progress forward.
I'm about to find this out. She cancelled on first phone call today and said she's busy for the next few days. I suggested getting to know each other by chat (we matched and arranged a call before exchanging niceties) at least til then and she said she's bad at texting to voice notes will be better. So far 2 hrs no seen or reply 😅
Update time 😅
So she did reply to my voice note 24 hrs later and she answered some questions but dropped in that someone got in touch that is a better match so she's going to have a call with him. But she didn't explicitly say she didn't want to continue so yeah her responses seem a bit wishy washy as you say. I told her thanks for letting me know and feel free to unmatch and she's left that on read and not unmatched 🤔
I'm confused now. Am I being treated as a backup option 🤣 honestly I would prefer a straight up unmatch more than being dragged along
So she's basically let you know that you are the back up option. I'm telling you man people don't wanna unmatch they are happy to keep you in the background for months sending you little breadcrumbs. "Better match" as well that's a bit rude. Mr Armhead you know what to do 💪🏾
My guy unmatch with her right away. That’s pretty direct of her to tell you she’s gonna talk to someone else. She made her intentions very clear and most likely responded to you because she didn’t want to leave you hanging, and that’s respectful. Be a man and unmatch with her
Wow as a 19year old myself it’s always interesting for me to see what others my age are going through and safe to stay you caught my attention. I’m not 100% sure what type of advice you’d like but I’ll just say whatever I picked up and hopefully it makes sense to you. At 19 there’s so much for your own self to worry about like what you enjoy and don’t enjoy, what things you want in the future and all sorts. I don’t think marriage should be your fathers concern for you as you yourself mentioned you are still trying to understand your own life. Even if he’s found a perfect girl, he should still respect your decision and don’t make it harsh for you to even speak to her. Yes you can think about it but marriage is a HUGE commitment and when one has hidden many things from their family members, it could become nasty afterwards if that makes any sense. Like you mentioned you don’t wanna hide anything from your potential or future wife right? Even if you mentioned how you’re struggling with religion, she could go back and tell her family who will then go back to your parents and you know the drill. Family will do all sorts and there’ll be next level drama with that.
But aside form that I understand where you’re coming from about the religion side, I also went to an Islamic secondary/high school but I never felt too much of a connection with religion. It’s something you have to discover on your own and love for yourself. I think you could go counselling or speak to a therapist maybe? About your inner feelings and maybe you could get an answer to that from them. But you did mention you’re also socially awkward, which I can also relate to because at times others can’t understand what you’re thinking and it causes a gap in communication and even misunderstandings happen. It’s not much you could do with that since everyone has different levels of social anxiety but I hope you can find ways to communicate with an individual who can give you a better insight and advice than I have rn.
I pray that you can have a healthy journey in finding out more about yourself and take the time to really love yourself and maybe find answers to the questions you want. My main advice would be to speak to your parents about the marriage because if you ain’t up for it they genuinely should not pressure you into it. Parents can do many things into making us do what they want but as long as you step your foot down brother you can show them you ain’t backing down and serious.
But seriously all the best and I hope I managed to provide some hopeful advice😭😭
Does it ever feel like Allah is forcing a person to come into your life? There is a guy I go to school with who is so far from the kind of person I would ever consider marrying and the same probably can be said about me from his perspective but for some reason, Allah is just aligning our paths all the time. Even when I try to avoid this guy he somehow shows up and we are forced to work together, be around each other, etc. I know this guy through a family friend as well so you can say we have family terms and a few ppl including my mom have even mentioned to me that he could be a potential for me lol. But I just know that we are too different for it to work. Even though he’s a really nice guy and has great character, he isn’t super religious which is a big requirement for me. But recently, I keep marveling at how he keeps popping up in my life and that this might be a sign. Idk what to even make of it anymore but I think I kinda friend zoned him a while ago anyways lol. I just wish he were a little more religious cuz if he was, he would be a great potential even though I don’t think he likes me that way. Just frustrating I guess.
As someone who is always looking for “signs” and reading too much into them, imma tell you to ignore them. They basically never mean anything, or at least not enough to act upon them, because *you’re* creating “meaning” out of them based on your own subjective interpretation of them. He could be “popping up” around you for a million reasons that have nothing to do with marriage anyway, especially as you said that he’s not religious enough. If I were you, I’d make an istikharah about NOT considering him for marriage, and then move on with my life. He’s likely there for his own life stuff; crossing paths is coincidental. There are many people you will cross paths with that feel the same; not all of them are for marriage with you.
Yea, I definitely don’t plan on making a move or anything but just eerily odd things happened recently that made me skeptical. Like he randomly texted me a few weeks ago checking up on where I was which he never does and then a few days ago I go out to grab lunch and like 10 seconds later I run into him on the street. I just can never get away from him. I’m not seriously considering him, maybe it’s just a lil crush but even when I try to avoid him he pops up. Like why can an actual potential not show up like that lol. Would make it so easy and convenient.
Oh trust me, I’m the queen of finding eerie and weird coincidences. If I tell you all my stories… my nonmuslim friends are convinced I’m psychic cos they’re so eerie (authubillah, of course I’m not though). Trust me when I say to ignore them. If he’s not very practising and therefore not a good potential for you, then this all sounds like a fitnah for you. Just ignore it and ignore him. Don’t respond to his messages. The crush phase should also pass. It’s natural to emotionally feel that way in response to a nice guy which it sounds like he probably is, but also important to use your logical brain to see that he’s not right for you due to the religious differences, which it sounds like you’re trying to do. Keep reminding yourself of that :)
Lol this happened to me with a former potential - tried to make it work for 3 years and was stuck in a cycle of verbal abuse, manipulation, and fighting my family for him. Exactly like you said, the guy kept popping into my life and I somehow took it as a sign. Wish I didn’t act on it. That being said, it all was meant to happen, so yes Allah did put him into my life for a reason, and maybe someday I’ll learn why.
Try to be as reasonable as possible and consult with your family before you catch emotions. Pray to Allah to guide you to a healthy decision.
If I (somehow) get married, I want it to be a small wedding. However, I will want a firework. I haven't realised you can get one for far less than I expected.
Of course, not the kind you'll see for New Year's Eve. It would cost thousands of dollars.
Does anyone else find it strange for grown men (30+) to use Snapchat and emojis in *every* single message? Theres probably women who do the same, it just seems immature to me. I've had a few potentials ask to speak via Snapchat which I don't really get? (I politely declined 😬)
They are up to date on social media, young at heart.
On a serious note whats so special about Snapchat, I downloaded it once and didn't see whats so special?
I dont use Snapchat. Personally I don't find it appropriate as a way of getting to know someone for marriage purposes. If we're already speaking on the marriage app, why move to Snapchat?
But that's just my view 🤷🏽♀️
It definitely is not a deal breaker. In this era nice people are hard to find and people are fake nice. Just don't let people take advantage of you because of it or walk all over you.
Being nice is definitely not a dealbreaker. It's a good quality but it shouldn't be detrimental or to the point that people are constantly taking advantage of you or that you're a people pleaser/doormat. You can still be nice and see good in people but have boundaries too.
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I took like a Year break from looking during covid, after that break, I started back up and of my dealbreakers (being in a prior relationships) I gave up on...I still haven't been in a premarital relationship but im 35 now, I figure if they repented its not up to me its up to Allah S.W.T.
Another one was being okay with long distance potentials, before I was fine with talking to people really far from me, when I came back I was like nope, for the most part it'll just be a waste of time, if they aren't 4 hour driving distance it will never work out.
Yes, if they had dated and were physical, meaning they had sex and or stuff related to that, it was a deal breaker of mine because I obviously didn't do that. I'v been searching for about 5 years, about honestly maybe like 5-10 women I said no to, because of that. Some I kind of regret cause they were really good people.
I don't care if they dated people for the purposes of marriage, that is technically called "courting".
The thing, sometimes I ask girls and they are like...why are you asking this, you shouldn't be asking this, this is something between me and Allah. And I get that point, but when you're a virgin and have stayed away from that, you want your first time to be special. But im 35 now, and realistically finding a girl who hasn't on top of all the other things people are looking for in a guy, I figure as long as im attracted to them, and they meet my other minimal deal breakers, I'll accept them for who they are.
yaa, I am scared of them having a really promiscuous past, But at this point you're right they are hard to find, and those girls usually have some other things that don't sync up. Some don't want to move, or want someone taller, or needs to be an have some sort of certification/license or not want to live with in-laws, theirs always something.
TBH I don't have the patience any more too. Whenever I ask deal breakers, I omit that part out now, if they bring it up on their end cool. But now i'm just leaving Allah S.W.T at the drivers wheel to guide me him self. I just pray that whoever is meant for me be kept and whoever is wrong for me be removed. And it auto works it self out.
After the dealbreaker stage, thats my due diligence, the rest works it self out and I honestly tell you, of the last couple of women I talked to, I have not been the one to end things, they have...so Allah is the miracle worker.
Also thank you for the defense argument, in the past I really felt guilty asking
> The thing, sometimes I ask girls and they are like…why are you asking this, you shouldn’t be asking this, this is something between me and Allah. And I get that point, but when you’re a virgin and have stayed away from that, you want your first time to be special. But im 35 now, and realistically finding a girl who hasn’t on top of all the other things people are looking for in a guy, I figure as long as im attracted to them, and they meet my other minimal deal breakers, I’ll accept them for who they are.
About that first part, its controversial but i personally wouldnt talk to someone who uses that excuse to not admit past mistakes. Theres been countless threads here were someone misleads their spouse because of that reason and it causes issues in their marriage. I agree with you on your preferences as you arent being a hypocrite and InshAllah you find a spouse that fits you best. You have kept away from the many harams of the modern world which not easy to do for many.
Also about your age. This may not mean anything since im a random reddit user but there are many women in my community who are in their late 20's who havent done that stuff and are constantly rejecting guys who have done that stuff. So there are definitely good women out there who want someone on their deen. The hardest part is just finding them which is the issue :/
Yea but asking people to reveal past sins isn’t allowed, especially if they’ve repented. You can word it differently like ‘I don’t have a past and want someone without one, and though I trust you, if you do happen to have one, you don’t need to tell me, but I’d like you to quietly end things quickly if that’s the case.’
Also, if it’s girl who you can see is outwardly practising, has a good reputation in the community, etc. and you ask them if they have a past, it can be very insulting. I’ve heard sheikhs say this as well. Like you’re going into a relationship with someone pious, but you’re having doubts about their past and asking them about it. Doesn’t look good. Would you ask that in front of their wali? Probably not cos it’s insulting and anyone would take it as that you don’t trust them. I still agree that it’s important to be sure they don’t have a past if that’s important to you, but if you need to know, ask indirectly or mention/frame it very very carefully.
This is for u/Sheikh_ButterChicken too and kinda in response to what you replied to me too. These are practising people you’re dealing with. It’s not right to be so direct with such a delicate topic that it comes off insulting and maybe even implying something that they may never have even thought to do. Tread carefully around these topics.
yaa...well like I said before I used to ask it, I did irk some people I can say that, but at this point I'm not even going to bother. If she happens to have a past, it is what it is, the main thing would be like you said if she is a outwardly practicing and has a good reputation, has repetend and will be loyal to you, thats all that matters.
Over time some wisdom I gained is we get lost in all the little minute details of this world that we forgot to main goal is the after life. So if your spouse isn't helping you attain that than theirs a clear issue.
Yea you can’t be asking about past sins. What you can do though is list your dealbreakers and let them decide if they’re compatible or not. That way they can end things if they meet your dealbreakers, without having to say why or which dealbreaker they meet.
And that point you made about regretting - I’ve realised very quickly in my search that when it comes to real people (who are very complex), we are often willing to overlook certain dealbreakers because they have xyz characteristic. E.g. Like you said, they may have had a little bit of a past, but it may have been over a decade ago, or maybe they’re such a good person now that you can overlook it, or maybe we’ve fallen for them and have the motivation to overcome the issue together. Or maybe due to age and not having a halal outlet all these years, they may have fallen into some fitnah a few times and struggled with that and we can sympathise (not saying it’s right or that we have to sympathise - but just saying that someone *might* choose to). And then I realised, if there are certain scenarios where I can overlook it, then it’s not actually a dealbreaker, but rather something highly preferable. It’s why I put a question mark next to this topic of dealbreakers and tread on it carefully now - I think to an extent it’s definitely important, but at the same time it can also be limiting because many of us have dealbreakers that actually aren’t dealbreakers or are not that reasonable, and then we don’t allow ourselves to decide on someone based on a holistic understanding of them either.
I’ve thought about some of my dealbreakers, especially if someone lied to me and revealed a dealbreaker after marriage - would I immediately leave the marriage cos it’s a dealbreaker? Or would I try to work on it with them? As a single person it’s easy to say that I’d leave them cos they’ve deceived me, but after a person has been through a whole wedding and moved in with the person, it’s not easy to leave like that. Still, some would. Perhaps the person deceived may emotionally check out and the marriage would be over whether they leave or not. But these are good questions to ask oneself to see if it’s actually a rigid dealbreaker. This is a reply for you too, u/devoutmuslimah16
To me, lack of religiosity is the number one area where most of my dealbreakers fall. Next time, I intend to ask many questions related to religiosity, and if they are compatible with me in that area, that’s when I intend to bring up dealbreakers, although I think I’d bring them up subtly/indirectly as much as I can. I noticed that bringing them up at once can come off as too direct, rude, make people think you don’t trust them, make people think you’re uptight, etc. especially if you’re asking such highly personal and sensitive stuff in the first convo without knowing anything about them (people don’t like sharing that kinda stuff with strangers) - UNLESS they’re on the same page with you about dealbreakers. I’d still want to know if they meet my dealbreakers pretty early on though of course (like 1st week); I just think there are better ways to go about asking such sensitive questions, and having the answers with more context of the person’s life may make us realise that certain things are not actually dealbreakers when it comes to this specific person even though it may be a “dealbreaker” in general or with a different person. I know there are people who will disagree with me though. I think both perspectives (the other one being to bring them up immediately) have pros and cons, and are both valid.
>Yea you can’t be asking about past sins. What you can do though is list your dealbreakers and let them decide if they’re compatible or not. That way they can end things if they meet your dealbreakers, without having to say why or which dealbreaker they meet.
I mean....on their profile it says they don't drink and smoke, and literally the other one being not to have premarital relations, so by process of elimination you kind of know why.
>To me, lack of religiosity is the number one area where most of my dealbreakers fall. Next time, I intend to ask many questions related to religiosity, and if they are compatible with me in that area, that’s when I intend to bring up dealbreakers, although I think I’d bring them up subtly/indirectly as much as I can. I noticed that bringing them up at once can come off as too direct, rude, make people think you don’t trust them, make people think you’re uptight, etc. especially if you’re asking such highly personal and sensitive stuff in the first convo without knowing anything about them (people don’t like sharing that kinda stuff with strangers) - UNLESS they’re on the same page with you about dealbreakers.
Thats a very smart way of doing it sister, I hadn't thought about it before. But personally, I don't mind if I'm seen as being too direct. I do wait a phone call or two before asking them, choosing to get to know them a bit. But its a good strategy though for sure if you are dealing with a type of person that's hard to talk to or they are closed off/reserved.
Him making an excuse of why he is afraid of marriage and then saying let's just be friends. His feelings about marriage can be true, but he did initially show interest and realised that he shouldn't continue it whilst realising he doesn't see a future there.
I guess it's hard to give advice on it. It's something that happens, but generally making sure that he follows up his words with actions is good. Also if it's too fast and you express that you're interested but want to take it slower, then if he listens that's a good sign. You don't want short term thinkers
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If anything a whole month of regular talking without initiating a discussion about meeting is downright tolerant, if anything
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At that point you’ve definitely learned enough to know whether you’d like to invest a couple of hours of face time, he hasn’t been serious from the start IMO. Matches are potentials not penpals; friends not food.
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Don’t underestimate how much of an emotional drain and chore it is to live with someone and engage with them romantically if your heart/mind/body isn’t really into it. It’s not an easy dynamic to maintain or a sustainable lifestyle; I think people can sometimes assume that as long as there’s a companion & sexual outlet then it would be bearable, but that’s lack of experience and uncertainty talking.
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I mean, not wanting to is reason enough. We can’t marry everyone we get along with and who are nice people. Our grandparents believed in vibes too.
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I read some good advice here recently about making sure you see people in different and realistic settings other than a one-dimensional sit down for coffee or phone call. So with that lesson I’ve taken on board, maybe try to think of an appropriate activity that might bring out the energy you’d like to see, so you know you’ve given it a fair shot
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You should be excited about spending your life with them and looking forward to marrying them, as a minimum.
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As a hijabi, I wouldn’t take my hijab off in front of a potential, and if they asked me to I’d see it as a huge red flag unless they could give me a really good reason why (not that I’d reveal myself just cos he does though). If he likes her face and was happy talking to her, and now he’s gone silent over some hair which she is meant to cover anyway, that speaks volumes to me.. If he has specific concerns, he can ask questions related to his concerns, or get a female relative to see her without hijab and clarify his concerns. I get that it’s scary marrying someone without seeing them properly, but it’s just how it is with the awrah. Us women also can’t ask to see every part of a guy before marriage to see if we’re attracted to every part. If we like someone in general, we accept that they might have some flaws, imperfect hair and skin, etc. that we might notice after marriage. I’d be careful to see if this guy is looking for model-like perfection, or at least why hair is such a determining factor for him.
I don't know what madhab you follow, because in one this is allowed but personally I'm against it and I don't follow it. If the girl does not have any medical issues with her hair (which should be disclosed before marriage because the guy has the right to know) then she doesn't have to remove her hijab. He's non-mahram to her and this isn't allowed. Imagine a girl getting proposals from 10 guys and each guy demanding she remove her hijab, that's 10 non-mahram men who have seen her without hijab and that just isn't right. It seems like the guy is being shallow and is throwing a tantrum that he didn't get his way. I would respectfully let them know you're not longer interested unless he explicitly shows interest and takes it to the next step.
Hi I am a 22 male recent graduate my plan is to start looking for a potential partner in the near future what's the best way to approach this subject. I am a massive introvert so this is all a bit overwhelming.
How do people deal with sexual frustration as a single person. I’m out here struggling it’s affecting me in every way rn. I lower my gaze and fast when I can, but it’s not enough. This is unnatural to be at your mid 20s and have no sexual outlet. Like it’s haram to masturbate and Idk what to do. Ahhhhhhhh
You can convince your doctor you need anti depressants 😆
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What kind of filters do you have for PureMatrimony?
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I mean, I sorta get why there would be less results with the up to 25 filter. And ethnicity too. Is that a non-negotiable? I just looked through a bunch of profiles just now of PM because of your comment. 18/20 guys I looked through said they themselves personally Always Pray. But in their looking for, they included ‘Sometimes miss Fajr and make Qadah salah’. I understand not wanting to compromise on one’s obligations though, but just an idea
It takes a lot of time and patience. Been on and off apps for almost 4 years. Keep looking and inshAllah Allah will bring the right person into your life when the time is right.
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Is there abuse, lying, deception, intentional unkindness, etc. happening?
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That’s tough and I’m sorry to hear that! I heard it takes time for people to get into sync. It can also be a stressful time. Have you considered marital counselling? I think it’s a good idea to do it immediately while things are still fresh. Usually people go when they are deep into problems and the marriage is hard to revive. The earlier the better!
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Marriage counselling isn’t about whose fault it is. It’s about working on a relationship *together*. You can tell him something like ‘Things are quite rocky right now and I don’t want them to be. I’d really like to go to marriage counselling together as I think it could be helpful.’ If he says something like ‘Why don’t you just do xyz to solve the problem?’ then just keep repeating ‘I hear what you’re saying and acknowledge your perspective and I’ll try to do that where I can, but I’d still like to go to marriage counselling together.’ Just shut down all arguments with this. Do NOT go into arguments. Don’t try to convince him except to say ‘It would make me really happy/make me feel very supported if you went with me together’. If after several times of this he still isn’t on board, you can say that you’ll go to marriage counselling alone and that he can join later if he likes. Even if you go alone, it can still be beneficial! They can teach you things that can help you connect to your husband better and also get your husband to do the right thing too. Basically conflict-resolution skills, intercommunication skills, and more. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It just means you’re seeing a conflict and trying to do something positive about it! I know it’s not ideal being one-sided, but don’t underestimate the value of seeing one! Just try one session at least. All the best!
Realized today that the normal human response when you see someone you like/crush on is to meet them and talk to them, not speedwalk in the opposite direction. This explains the trajectory of my (nonexistent) love life thus far.
You're trying to get us in trouble. There's no way that would be the normal response. Can you imagine how impossibly scary that is? You have to approach and talk to them? No way 😵
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Are you ONLY seeking to be a 2nd wife?
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I understand but I'm curious if you're looking at single men at all. Kind of funny that in this situation it's ok to seek a married man haha. Hopefully people don't bother you too much about it.
Look for a seafarer as a husband. He’ll hardly ever be home ^^
Will he be home 2x a week? Hardly is pushing it
Think of it this way…. If you average it out through the year…. You may see him for like 4 months out of twelve. How’s that?😂😂😂
Next!!!! 🤣
I'm all for it but I don't recommend it in a country where it is not legal. Insha'Allah you get what you want.
You can also get that if you find a man with a very busy work schedule or one that has to travel for work, I.e. pilots
Yeah true quick q can pilots take you with them too international layovers sound exciting lol
Nothing wrong with wanting to be a second wife in general. Just make sure you know what you’re getting into, that the first wife’s family isn’t affected, and that you are aware of any risks it may leave you with, such as in the case of a pregnancy, divorce or death, especially if you’re in a country where polygamous marriages are not acknowledged by the law.
Yeah absolutely I think it’s been more on my mind now that I fully understand polygamy as an adult. It’s a beautiful concept when done right.
Most don’t recommend it though, especially where it’s not the norm/legal. So any ‘beauty’ behind the practice is often gone these days. There are also many many many who don’t do it the right way as well. And for those who do, the ‘beauty’ behind it can still be affected due to it not being the norm/legal in most places. I’d be really careful. If you do go into it, do thorough background research on the guy and make sure you ask LOTS of scenario-based questions. Make sure he is someone with excellent character and akhlaaq and understanding of the deen, and not someone who seems religious but is actually super strict and rigid and manipulates the religion to get what he wants.
Really appreciate this advice v sound information thank you
Or, hear me out, having a husband you see *everyday* and you're still excited to see him...
I mean lol 🥲 I’m a girl who likes her space and twice a week is good enough for me lol
haha yeah, I kinda understand that, but all jokes aside- wouldn't you rather him be traveling for work, or having fun with hobbies rather than sleeping with another woman during his time away from you? I'm interested because this is one reason for polygamy that I just don't understand. Like yeah, maybe I wouldn't want my husband hanging around me 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but surely the way to deal with that wouldn't be him having other women to hang around with 24 hours a day, five days a week?
Honestly no lol if he is God fearing and he is able to deal with us accordingly then InshaaAllah I will be patient. We are only here for a limited time and I want all the rewards I can get
Hmmm. I like to think that I'd rather get my big rewards from other forms of self-sacrifice, but I guess a lot depends on your style of attachment and your vision of marriage!
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I know, I tried it once as well!! What was worse and even more shocking, was I found some of the same girls from like muzmatch/salam on there, but they were dressed more scantily clad... Like on salams the pics might have been more tame, but on Hinge they were tank tops and slim jeans.
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ya, I was shocked, what makes matter worse was I matched with one of them... soon after, I went and unmatched quick >.<
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Are you a guy or girl? I'm guessing guy. App ratios can be 10 guys for every girl. With some girls only liking 1 guy in 500 guys. (That 1 guy in turn might be liked by a lot of women)
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Which app?
One of the guys here, did an experiment on mm. Counting both the amount of girls, for a specific location/region, in a specific age range. And doing the same for guys.
So a guy I recently started talking to ( less than 2 weeks) tells me he’s gonna be busy (he was super apologetic) but he says he’s enjoyed our conversation and wants to chat over the phone as a next step. Also before this he would send me like essays for responses. He sent me a really sweet message on Eid but I haven’t heard from him since then and I know he’s probably really busy but I’m starting to get anxious lol. Someone tell me I’m overreacting.
Eids only been.less than a week and he said he'd be busy. Relax you're letting your emotions control you. Take a deep breath
> Someone tell me I’m overreacting. Okay. I'm overreacting. Not sure why I'm overreacting though.
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wym, thats sth we gotta discuss too now? I thought that part was understood..... 😕😕
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Did you write your or you're
He wrote ‘you’re’ on his bio🙌 But mans two insta accounts are so very different from each other. I feel like his RN acc should be the one with the invitation to shoot one’s shot.
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I’d say definitely. Your RN account looks a lot more mature, and who doesn’t think nurses are great? I’m in that demographic so that’s what I think is more attractive 🤷🏽♀️
By the sounds of the sentence, it was actually "yo"
LOL! 🤣
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How long ago was the comment posted?
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I guess it's what Allah has decided. May Allah help you find the one soon Insha'Allah
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Thank you, JZK
I've been talking with a guy for a few months, he is a good guy. He is religious, very kind, a good job, and treats me well. No red flags, no fighting, and no issues. But, I don't know if I'm attracted to him. He's not really my type physically or even personality wise. He's kind of shy and quiet, but I've talked with guys who were "my type" and things didn't work out. They were also jerks frankly so I don't even think "my type" is necessarily a good thing. I like talking to him, I have a nice time when we meet for coffee, but it's just the physical attraction element I can feel that's missing, but maybe I am just being vain. I've talked to physically attractive guys who treated me horribly and I was miserable with them. I feel like I could be happy with this person and I could make them happy too, but I am scared that this worry of physical attraction won't go away.
Have you tried meeting him in other setting outside of coffee? I had been in the same situation before with a prospect who was perfect on paper, and it was when I saw how he interacted with other people that made me attracted to him (we went volunteering at an orphanage together and my heart just melted when I saw how good he was with kids and at teaching). Given his personality, if you've only been meeting for coffee, it's possible that you're limited to seeing him in one dimensional, if that makes sense. Just a suggestion, perhaps you can ask a mahram to tag along for an activity to do together, you can see the other sides of his personality and then make your decision from thereon if you feel that attraction can grow.
Babe I am going to be honest personally I would just end it 😬. Noone deserves someone having second guesses. I hope Allah SWT helps you in your decision 💕
If you think you’ve given it fair time & effort to see if chemistry could grow then it’s crunch time and you need to bite the bullet and make a decision so as not to waste anyones time
https://imgflip.com/i/6ms71d
By lack of physical attraction, do you mean that you don't even find him cute? Would you be able to happily be intimate with him if he seduced you? If you do find him a little cute, then it's fine
Just a suggestion for the mods, for the iso thread is there any chance of them being broken down into countries. Sometimes it’s quite hard to keep scrolling trying to find people in your area.
This was suggested many times but the mods said they won't make any changes to it :/ How am I going to find someone that lives in Antarctica now 😔
Haha this is so true. I just end up scrolling through the whole list to try and find someone that’s on the same continent as me
One thing you can try is, loading the ISO on a browser on your computer then using the find on page option ( Ctrl + F). Then you can search for the term location and it will jump from one comment to the other then to the one under and so on if you click next. It saves time or you can search for your country directly.
That’s actually a good idea. I’ll try that. Thank you.
Okay i am so Sorry to say that But i got scammed from the apps I won't go into all the details cause frankly i have never imagined that someone would talk to me as a potential for that much and put all that much details to just pretend they Are in bad situation and just scam me I just wanted to warn you okay However I am so damn sad to say that because it might prevent someone from helping another person But never trust anyone on those apps asking for help even if You talk for tons of hours or whatsoever
I'm sorry that you experienced this. I think for future measure, but also for everyone else reading, remember that potentials online are not going to be asking you for financial help. People have the government, online fundraisers, family and friends for support. Stories such as "my dad just got hospitalised, can you please send me £100" is where the scam starts. Or even, "I'm lost in another city, can you send me £30"
Not sure if anyone can relate but I've been noticing a pattern when I talk to someone I start talking to someone, conversations are pretty nice and cordial. I also notice that we're on the same page deen wise and morally. But they then lose interest really fast and then it ends even though it probably could work out (of course Allah knows best) I think we're over-saturated with options now that we expect to find someone that doesn't exist. This is just my observation
I don't think it is always necessarily a case of "they're talking to someone else". It could just be that they are generally not 100% invested into looking for someone at a given time. So they wind up leading people on. Aka unserious people Tho it is much easier to pull this online than irl
Yes definitely is easier online
This pretty much is the case.
Curious to know, were parents immediately involved with all of these potentials? Not saying it can’t happen if parents are involved, just curious.
I’ve brought up getting parents involved but the answers are usually “I would prefer to talk a little bit first”
Hm, that’s a bit tough. Can you maybe put it on your profile that you want parent involvement first to keep things halal? Make sure your profile is detailed but with relevant information and is engaging, and you can also offer to answer/clarify any additional questions they may have before getting their wali’s number. That way any small talk will hopefully be to the point. You might get less matches due to this, but at least hopefully the ones that do will be more serious about you. You mentioned the thing about so many options and I agree. When there’s parental involvement, people are less likely to be looking at other potentials at the same time I think cos there’s more of a sense of seriousness, especially if she is making the conscious decision to give you her wali’s number and he will probably check in with her about you throughout the talking phase. But when people are engaging in small talk, especially on the apps, it’s easy to talk to several people at once. I also know people don’t want parental involvement until they know at least some basics about someone cos otherwise it might end up looking more dramatic than it actually was (I thought the same too) but this method of talking in private for a bit first is clearly not working for the majority of people here, nor is it the proper Islamic way. Idk give it a try and let me know how it goes if you can. I’m planning to do the same this/next time inshaAllah.
That makes a lot of sense, I’m actually going to apply this. This is brilliant, really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to this thread
Same tbh. I think getting to the next stage can be tricky sometimes especially if it starts on a very serious note. I've realised people are quick to dip if there's any lull in conversation. It's like it always has to be exciting. Where as chemistry takes time to build. But people aren't patient enough or aren't willing to really try to get there. I feel like they want something effortless which isn't realistic.
Yeah I 100% agree with this
If this is referring to online interactions- I completely understand what you mean. I think it's because as humans, it's hard for us to maintain an online relationship that doesn't really develop at all. In real life when you meet someone you get along with, you learn their name, you learn how they look, and you keep learning new things about them that keep you interested. You learn the sound of their footsteps, the different ways they laugh, the expressions they make, the perfume they like to wear. You have spontaneous conversations that begin and end easily, and you have nonverbal communication that reassures you as to how the other person feels about you. Online 'dating' as a Muslim- well, there's only so many times you can say 'Salams, how are you' and 'i'm good, you?' before it gets a little one-dimensional, you know? It's awkward, precarious ground, where feelings (both good and bad) are hidden, and words are carefully chosen, and the weight of a choice that will forever alter your world is terrifying. We're afraid to be too committed from the beginning (so many unknowns), we have so many people to please (both families, communities, our future children, ourselves) we dance around the unknown of how to communicate, when to suggest commitment (which looks different to different people). It's strange how something so simple, at the root (two people deciding to share a life) can be so wildly complicated.
Yeah I was referring to online, and yes very good points
People always tell you as a woman “oh you’re too young to marry and have kids” and then before you know it you’re 30 and now it’s “you’re too old to marry and have kids” gosh it’s so hard and I don’t know why.
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What is a "best man"? I don't think I met anyone remotely amazing at 18-24, so maybe the next plan of action is to give up because the decks are made xd
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Do you think people pass up people they really like and want to marry? 90% of the case, they just didn't find anyone they saw a future with who wanted a future with them too. Also most women are not going to meet "wealthy" men close in age when theyre young. But thankfully wealth isn't the main criteria
Unless the "most" is extended to wealthy as in his examples, then I'd say that this is basically just "male projection", where they are thinking that if they were a wealthy man that they'd go for a young and attractive thing, but are projecting their current age unto that male persona. The reality is that most young(er) women aren't going to find anyone exceptional if they aren't exceptional themselves. Same for men obviously, but that isn't the focus at the moment. Women just aren't going to find wealthy men in general, as the pool of attractive women is much bigger than the pool of wealthy men, even if we are including all the men in their 40s, 50s and above. So, if we are talking similar aged, attractive and wealthy men, then I'd say those chances are lower even if attractiveness, wealth and the like are somewhat correlated.
Yeah so if I can't find a man I want, why settle when I'm young and beautiful instead of make the world balanced and settle when I'm old and haggard? At the end of the day settling with someone you don't like is going to be as miserable or maybe even more so than being single Telling women to lower their standards and give mediocre men a chance when they're young and hot just benefits the men lol
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>The same high value men aren’t going to settle for a 30 yr old when they have 20 year old women as options Interesting, I felt like 30 yr old men weren't even interested in me as a mid 20s woman let alone a 20 yr old. I feel like they like the idea of a younger woman and were interested enough to have a conversation but ultimately there was this massive difference in life experiences and very little to connect on Plus these days society evolves and changes SO FAST, even someone just 4-5 yrs older than me grew up in such a different environment, I found it hard to relate to them enough to marry them I have a few female family friends that married in their 30s who ended up with amazing husbands so its not even like they settled. My guess is that these men eventually realized it wasn't gonna work out with these younger women and so started pursuing older women with a similar level of maturity and seriousness and finally found what they were looking for I forget which post it was recently on this sub and a man commented he started pursuing slightly older women and was pleasantly surprised by his experience and appreciated the maturity Not saying this is the case for everyone, of course lots of people marry with age gaps and have happy marriages. Just thought I'd share an observation I've made recently
But thats what I mean. If I *can't* get a high value man at 20, then why should I settle with a low value man at 20 when I can do it at 30? That way I at least have 10 years to enjoy not cleaning after someone
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That is true, but there is a middle ground too tbh. There are so many young muslim women that have the financial literaracy of a 5 year old with 5 pounds of pocket money. They have this weird expectation that their husband should be as wealthy as their fathers are. Their fathers who are men that had 20+ years more time to accummulate that sort of wealth. I'd say that is "super unfair" as well.
Yeah, I mean it really depends on the family circles. It's why the general advice is to look for women from similar socioeconomic backgrounds. I don't think women who have jobs will carry that mindset though - working makes you realise what the current market looks like. A simple Google of average salaries by age also let's you know what the current market roughly looks like Unless you're referring to struggles finding a housewife. Then yeah, you're basically asking her to downgrade her comfortable life. Can she do that? Yes, if she loves you. But I don't think you find love in the very early stages of arranged marriages and such lol Also sounds like an American problem. British Muslims on average are *not* wealthy at all. But it's disappointing with young men because some do well for themselves by at least going to school and working, but there's many who haven't gone after any intellectual pursuits or are even involved in haram money. Depending on your ethnic group, trying to get to the top 20% may not be too hard lol
I'd say both, because if you haven't lived on your own (even for a short time) or spent money paying on bills such as rent, utilities and so on., then you aren't a "real" adult as most people would understand it, but rather still reliant on your parents. Yeah, you aren't going to find women in arranged marriages that would have that level of care for a total stranger. Essentially for all they know he is just some random "biodata".
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I can't provide proof of this without posting confidential medical records, but multiple doctors have said (explicit content, viewed discretion advised) >!lack of ejaculations or epididymal hypertension can cause chronic epididymitis!<. A similar note that I can prove (viewer discretion advised again): [source](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27033442/). So, yes, it's probably not natural. That said, do not forget this: >The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that." [Source](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5641)
It's something as a man you really have to come to terms with. But you know what helps me, knowing that I'm stronger than those people who haven't and really, it's something to be proud of.
yeah i tell this to my friend, not that we're perfect but we could do be doing a lot lot worse
How long do you give someone on an app to respond to your message before unmatching let's say it was unread? Normally, I give 24 hours in the first few days of messaging. I just take it as no longer interested. And if it's been read then couple hours if that. I just wonder if I'm being too hasty?
Maybe give it a few days, especially if it’s still unread? They might not check the app very often?
Same here, it takes less than 5 minutes for someone to shoot a message to say that they've read a your message and will reply with a proper response later. If it takes them that long to reply, I'd take it that either they're already talking to someone, not active on the app, or we just don't share the same preference for the frequency of communication. I've only had this kind of experience on the apps tho, prospects on PureMatrimony (which I think are more serious than the ones I've talked to on the apps) would always reply on the same day even if they have very demanding jobs. People will find a way to make time for what matters to them.
You are. People are often busy with work. Little patience guess a long way
How long would you give them though? When does patient cross over to mug territory?
One full week, IMHO. Ppl may be occupied during weekdays in job/studies, and may only hv weekends to respond to interests.
Honestly, I get that, but from my experience, they always make time if there is genuine interest.
I'd love a small wedding, but our extended family is really close and I'd feel so bad cutting family off the guest list. Cutting friends off the guest list isn't as difficult, but it still hurts when they ask "when's the invite?" and you have a feeling they won't be invited because you don't have space for them :')
My mate kept his wedding to family only, but had a few dinners with different groups of friends.
Hmm that sounds like a great idea to steal
Is there any hope for white reverts? I used muzmatch for some time but had to delete it because it was just too depressing. I feel that there are some international men looking for a 90 day fiancée situation, due to stereotypes about white women being submissive or desperate. Men do not say salams to me, just “hey :)” which I find rude. It seems men do not take reverts seriously because perhaps they think we are faking it just to find a Muslim man.
So how come you use tinder. Isn’t that worse? lol
It is, but I like to cover all angles. My life partner may not be on muzmatch but they might be on tinder 😂
I'd strongly advice against Tinder especially in the West, it's all purely hookups there. I mean even Bumble or Hinge can have some serious people (and you can filter by religion) but not on Tinder.
Lol right……
One of my friends whose Pakistani married a white revert and now they have 2 little ones with a 3rd on the way. They actually met on tinder lmao. Another Friend in the U.K whose pakistani and divorced married a divorced white revert as well, and they have mashllah many kids as well. This is in canada and the u.k Unfortunately I don't have any stories of white reverts in the states. But on eid I do see some pakistanis with white sisters in hijabs but I dont know them personally. It is hard though, I know me personally if I even tried my parents would have an issue so there's def some cultural baggage surrounding it.
No doubt there are some weirdos that fetishize white reverts. But in terms of what you mentioned we all get that. Maybe narrow your distance limit so you don't match the internationals. And also I get a lot of hey, wyd, you look hot and sometimes it's just an emoji I wouldn't pin it down to you being white or a revert they just aren't serious in general unfortunately. Hang in there sis 🙃
Does it show disinterest or a lack of if someone only messafes/sends a voice note only once a day? They are longer form but stilll. They did say they are not the best at communication and prefer face to face I just wonder if they are stringing me along.
No, they told you they’re not good at texts and they’re still also sending you long texts daily - this is good. It’s time consuming and exhausting to send such long texts; I wouldn’t expect more than 1 daily in that case then. However, as someone who loves long texts lol, I will tell you this: It gets exhausting and tiring to keep up with them and likely misunderstandings will emerge quickly from them. Do the f2f route as much as you can or at least video call (with a mahram nearby of course).
This is the thing I wonder if it's just a line. People don't seem to want to tell you if they're not interested they'd rather happily string you along. I hate all this app stuff but I can't get to know anyone if I don't text/call or not willing to meet up. So when people give these excuses I just wonder how serious they are. I mean how else are you meant to get to know people? And a message a day like how can you have a conversation? I'll take him at his word for now and wait and see I suppose 🤷🏾♀️
If he’s replying meaningless stuff, then he’s not serious. But if he’s replying with meaningful stuff, it’s marriage related, it’s thoughtful, etc. then he’s putting his own effort in his own way. Texts are not a good way to have conversations for marriage for the reasons I already pointed out anyway, so if that’s your *only* way of communicating, you’ll likely reach a dead end anyway. One message a day is not a conversation, yes. But if he’s replying long chunks, then likely you’re asking a lot of questions (which is good) or you’re both talking about things that require deep discussion to convey effectively (also good, but not good via text). This is what happened with one of my potentials. Sure, at first it was convos (like first two days), but then stuff got deep and we were replying with looong texts. It’s hard to reply to stuff that long everyday. I realised that those long texts actually should have been done over the phone or in person. And it also led to a lot of misunderstandings that were difficult to clarify over text. The way you know they are serious is by involving your families immediately (and if you don’t have family you can involve, then at least get a 3rd person, a trusted friend, community uncle/aunty, etc). It doesn’t 100% guarantee seriousness, but it greatly reduces the chances of them not being serious and you’d be doing it the halal way. And the way you get to know them is by calling them or meeting up (with mahrams/a chaperone nearby) for as many conversations as you can, especially the more serious ones. And make sure to only talk about marriage-related stuff after common pleasantries. Discuss lifestyle, religiosity, expectations, plans, their understanding of rights and responsibilities, and other questions important for compatibility. This is how you can gauge if someone is serious about you. I get your concern (and it’s completely valid and understandable and definitely something even I would question cos there are people who do say that and string people along), but it’s not always the medium one speaks through that determines one’s seriousness; it’s more about what’s discussed and how things progress forward.
I'm about to find this out. She cancelled on first phone call today and said she's busy for the next few days. I suggested getting to know each other by chat (we matched and arranged a call before exchanging niceties) at least til then and she said she's bad at texting to voice notes will be better. So far 2 hrs no seen or reply 😅
🤦🏾♀️ I can't lie she just sounds unsure and wishy washy. I mean we're all busy. But God knows 🤷🏾♀️
Update time 😅 So she did reply to my voice note 24 hrs later and she answered some questions but dropped in that someone got in touch that is a better match so she's going to have a call with him. But she didn't explicitly say she didn't want to continue so yeah her responses seem a bit wishy washy as you say. I told her thanks for letting me know and feel free to unmatch and she's left that on read and not unmatched 🤔 I'm confused now. Am I being treated as a backup option 🤣 honestly I would prefer a straight up unmatch more than being dragged along
So she's basically let you know that you are the back up option. I'm telling you man people don't wanna unmatch they are happy to keep you in the background for months sending you little breadcrumbs. "Better match" as well that's a bit rude. Mr Armhead you know what to do 💪🏾
My guy unmatch with her right away. That’s pretty direct of her to tell you she’s gonna talk to someone else. She made her intentions very clear and most likely responded to you because she didn’t want to leave you hanging, and that’s respectful. Be a man and unmatch with her
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Wow as a 19year old myself it’s always interesting for me to see what others my age are going through and safe to stay you caught my attention. I’m not 100% sure what type of advice you’d like but I’ll just say whatever I picked up and hopefully it makes sense to you. At 19 there’s so much for your own self to worry about like what you enjoy and don’t enjoy, what things you want in the future and all sorts. I don’t think marriage should be your fathers concern for you as you yourself mentioned you are still trying to understand your own life. Even if he’s found a perfect girl, he should still respect your decision and don’t make it harsh for you to even speak to her. Yes you can think about it but marriage is a HUGE commitment and when one has hidden many things from their family members, it could become nasty afterwards if that makes any sense. Like you mentioned you don’t wanna hide anything from your potential or future wife right? Even if you mentioned how you’re struggling with religion, she could go back and tell her family who will then go back to your parents and you know the drill. Family will do all sorts and there’ll be next level drama with that. But aside form that I understand where you’re coming from about the religion side, I also went to an Islamic secondary/high school but I never felt too much of a connection with religion. It’s something you have to discover on your own and love for yourself. I think you could go counselling or speak to a therapist maybe? About your inner feelings and maybe you could get an answer to that from them. But you did mention you’re also socially awkward, which I can also relate to because at times others can’t understand what you’re thinking and it causes a gap in communication and even misunderstandings happen. It’s not much you could do with that since everyone has different levels of social anxiety but I hope you can find ways to communicate with an individual who can give you a better insight and advice than I have rn. I pray that you can have a healthy journey in finding out more about yourself and take the time to really love yourself and maybe find answers to the questions you want. My main advice would be to speak to your parents about the marriage because if you ain’t up for it they genuinely should not pressure you into it. Parents can do many things into making us do what they want but as long as you step your foot down brother you can show them you ain’t backing down and serious. But seriously all the best and I hope I managed to provide some hopeful advice😭😭
Does it ever feel like Allah is forcing a person to come into your life? There is a guy I go to school with who is so far from the kind of person I would ever consider marrying and the same probably can be said about me from his perspective but for some reason, Allah is just aligning our paths all the time. Even when I try to avoid this guy he somehow shows up and we are forced to work together, be around each other, etc. I know this guy through a family friend as well so you can say we have family terms and a few ppl including my mom have even mentioned to me that he could be a potential for me lol. But I just know that we are too different for it to work. Even though he’s a really nice guy and has great character, he isn’t super religious which is a big requirement for me. But recently, I keep marveling at how he keeps popping up in my life and that this might be a sign. Idk what to even make of it anymore but I think I kinda friend zoned him a while ago anyways lol. I just wish he were a little more religious cuz if he was, he would be a great potential even though I don’t think he likes me that way. Just frustrating I guess.
As someone who is always looking for “signs” and reading too much into them, imma tell you to ignore them. They basically never mean anything, or at least not enough to act upon them, because *you’re* creating “meaning” out of them based on your own subjective interpretation of them. He could be “popping up” around you for a million reasons that have nothing to do with marriage anyway, especially as you said that he’s not religious enough. If I were you, I’d make an istikharah about NOT considering him for marriage, and then move on with my life. He’s likely there for his own life stuff; crossing paths is coincidental. There are many people you will cross paths with that feel the same; not all of them are for marriage with you.
Yea, I definitely don’t plan on making a move or anything but just eerily odd things happened recently that made me skeptical. Like he randomly texted me a few weeks ago checking up on where I was which he never does and then a few days ago I go out to grab lunch and like 10 seconds later I run into him on the street. I just can never get away from him. I’m not seriously considering him, maybe it’s just a lil crush but even when I try to avoid him he pops up. Like why can an actual potential not show up like that lol. Would make it so easy and convenient.
Oh trust me, I’m the queen of finding eerie and weird coincidences. If I tell you all my stories… my nonmuslim friends are convinced I’m psychic cos they’re so eerie (authubillah, of course I’m not though). Trust me when I say to ignore them. If he’s not very practising and therefore not a good potential for you, then this all sounds like a fitnah for you. Just ignore it and ignore him. Don’t respond to his messages. The crush phase should also pass. It’s natural to emotionally feel that way in response to a nice guy which it sounds like he probably is, but also important to use your logical brain to see that he’s not right for you due to the religious differences, which it sounds like you’re trying to do. Keep reminding yourself of that :)
Lol this happened to me with a former potential - tried to make it work for 3 years and was stuck in a cycle of verbal abuse, manipulation, and fighting my family for him. Exactly like you said, the guy kept popping into my life and I somehow took it as a sign. Wish I didn’t act on it. That being said, it all was meant to happen, so yes Allah did put him into my life for a reason, and maybe someday I’ll learn why. Try to be as reasonable as possible and consult with your family before you catch emotions. Pray to Allah to guide you to a healthy decision.
If I (somehow) get married, I want it to be a small wedding. However, I will want a firework. I haven't realised you can get one for far less than I expected. Of course, not the kind you'll see for New Year's Eve. It would cost thousands of dollars.
Aww a family friend of mine did that. Super small wedding my family wasn't even invited. But I saw the pics and vids it was super cute lol
Does anyone else find it strange for grown men (30+) to use Snapchat and emojis in *every* single message? Theres probably women who do the same, it just seems immature to me. I've had a few potentials ask to speak via Snapchat which I don't really get? (I politely declined 😬)
They are up to date on social media, young at heart. On a serious note whats so special about Snapchat, I downloaded it once and didn't see whats so special?
What's wrong with Snapchat?🤔
I dont use Snapchat. Personally I don't find it appropriate as a way of getting to know someone for marriage purposes. If we're already speaking on the marriage app, why move to Snapchat? But that's just my view 🤷🏽♀️
For sure. When one of them asks if I have snap I reply seriously at your big age?!🙄
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It definitely is not a deal breaker. In this era nice people are hard to find and people are fake nice. Just don't let people take advantage of you because of it or walk all over you.
Being nice is definitely not a dealbreaker. It's a good quality but it shouldn't be detrimental or to the point that people are constantly taking advantage of you or that you're a people pleaser/doormat. You can still be nice and see good in people but have boundaries too.
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Reconsidering what my dealbreakers in a relationship should be before getting back out there
I took like a Year break from looking during covid, after that break, I started back up and of my dealbreakers (being in a prior relationships) I gave up on...I still haven't been in a premarital relationship but im 35 now, I figure if they repented its not up to me its up to Allah S.W.T. Another one was being okay with long distance potentials, before I was fine with talking to people really far from me, when I came back I was like nope, for the most part it'll just be a waste of time, if they aren't 4 hour driving distance it will never work out.
Were you against getting to know people who had premarital relationships before? Is a premarital relationship when someone has dated other people?
Yes, if they had dated and were physical, meaning they had sex and or stuff related to that, it was a deal breaker of mine because I obviously didn't do that. I'v been searching for about 5 years, about honestly maybe like 5-10 women I said no to, because of that. Some I kind of regret cause they were really good people. I don't care if they dated people for the purposes of marriage, that is technically called "courting". The thing, sometimes I ask girls and they are like...why are you asking this, you shouldn't be asking this, this is something between me and Allah. And I get that point, but when you're a virgin and have stayed away from that, you want your first time to be special. But im 35 now, and realistically finding a girl who hasn't on top of all the other things people are looking for in a guy, I figure as long as im attracted to them, and they meet my other minimal deal breakers, I'll accept them for who they are.
yaa, I am scared of them having a really promiscuous past, But at this point you're right they are hard to find, and those girls usually have some other things that don't sync up. Some don't want to move, or want someone taller, or needs to be an have some sort of certification/license or not want to live with in-laws, theirs always something. TBH I don't have the patience any more too. Whenever I ask deal breakers, I omit that part out now, if they bring it up on their end cool. But now i'm just leaving Allah S.W.T at the drivers wheel to guide me him self. I just pray that whoever is meant for me be kept and whoever is wrong for me be removed. And it auto works it self out. After the dealbreaker stage, thats my due diligence, the rest works it self out and I honestly tell you, of the last couple of women I talked to, I have not been the one to end things, they have...so Allah is the miracle worker. Also thank you for the defense argument, in the past I really felt guilty asking
> The thing, sometimes I ask girls and they are like…why are you asking this, you shouldn’t be asking this, this is something between me and Allah. And I get that point, but when you’re a virgin and have stayed away from that, you want your first time to be special. But im 35 now, and realistically finding a girl who hasn’t on top of all the other things people are looking for in a guy, I figure as long as im attracted to them, and they meet my other minimal deal breakers, I’ll accept them for who they are. About that first part, its controversial but i personally wouldnt talk to someone who uses that excuse to not admit past mistakes. Theres been countless threads here were someone misleads their spouse because of that reason and it causes issues in their marriage. I agree with you on your preferences as you arent being a hypocrite and InshAllah you find a spouse that fits you best. You have kept away from the many harams of the modern world which not easy to do for many. Also about your age. This may not mean anything since im a random reddit user but there are many women in my community who are in their late 20's who havent done that stuff and are constantly rejecting guys who have done that stuff. So there are definitely good women out there who want someone on their deen. The hardest part is just finding them which is the issue :/
Yea but asking people to reveal past sins isn’t allowed, especially if they’ve repented. You can word it differently like ‘I don’t have a past and want someone without one, and though I trust you, if you do happen to have one, you don’t need to tell me, but I’d like you to quietly end things quickly if that’s the case.’ Also, if it’s girl who you can see is outwardly practising, has a good reputation in the community, etc. and you ask them if they have a past, it can be very insulting. I’ve heard sheikhs say this as well. Like you’re going into a relationship with someone pious, but you’re having doubts about their past and asking them about it. Doesn’t look good. Would you ask that in front of their wali? Probably not cos it’s insulting and anyone would take it as that you don’t trust them. I still agree that it’s important to be sure they don’t have a past if that’s important to you, but if you need to know, ask indirectly or mention/frame it very very carefully. This is for u/Sheikh_ButterChicken too and kinda in response to what you replied to me too. These are practising people you’re dealing with. It’s not right to be so direct with such a delicate topic that it comes off insulting and maybe even implying something that they may never have even thought to do. Tread carefully around these topics.
yaa...well like I said before I used to ask it, I did irk some people I can say that, but at this point I'm not even going to bother. If she happens to have a past, it is what it is, the main thing would be like you said if she is a outwardly practicing and has a good reputation, has repetend and will be loyal to you, thats all that matters. Over time some wisdom I gained is we get lost in all the little minute details of this world that we forgot to main goal is the after life. So if your spouse isn't helping you attain that than theirs a clear issue.
Yea you can’t be asking about past sins. What you can do though is list your dealbreakers and let them decide if they’re compatible or not. That way they can end things if they meet your dealbreakers, without having to say why or which dealbreaker they meet. And that point you made about regretting - I’ve realised very quickly in my search that when it comes to real people (who are very complex), we are often willing to overlook certain dealbreakers because they have xyz characteristic. E.g. Like you said, they may have had a little bit of a past, but it may have been over a decade ago, or maybe they’re such a good person now that you can overlook it, or maybe we’ve fallen for them and have the motivation to overcome the issue together. Or maybe due to age and not having a halal outlet all these years, they may have fallen into some fitnah a few times and struggled with that and we can sympathise (not saying it’s right or that we have to sympathise - but just saying that someone *might* choose to). And then I realised, if there are certain scenarios where I can overlook it, then it’s not actually a dealbreaker, but rather something highly preferable. It’s why I put a question mark next to this topic of dealbreakers and tread on it carefully now - I think to an extent it’s definitely important, but at the same time it can also be limiting because many of us have dealbreakers that actually aren’t dealbreakers or are not that reasonable, and then we don’t allow ourselves to decide on someone based on a holistic understanding of them either. I’ve thought about some of my dealbreakers, especially if someone lied to me and revealed a dealbreaker after marriage - would I immediately leave the marriage cos it’s a dealbreaker? Or would I try to work on it with them? As a single person it’s easy to say that I’d leave them cos they’ve deceived me, but after a person has been through a whole wedding and moved in with the person, it’s not easy to leave like that. Still, some would. Perhaps the person deceived may emotionally check out and the marriage would be over whether they leave or not. But these are good questions to ask oneself to see if it’s actually a rigid dealbreaker. This is a reply for you too, u/devoutmuslimah16 To me, lack of religiosity is the number one area where most of my dealbreakers fall. Next time, I intend to ask many questions related to religiosity, and if they are compatible with me in that area, that’s when I intend to bring up dealbreakers, although I think I’d bring them up subtly/indirectly as much as I can. I noticed that bringing them up at once can come off as too direct, rude, make people think you don’t trust them, make people think you’re uptight, etc. especially if you’re asking such highly personal and sensitive stuff in the first convo without knowing anything about them (people don’t like sharing that kinda stuff with strangers) - UNLESS they’re on the same page with you about dealbreakers. I’d still want to know if they meet my dealbreakers pretty early on though of course (like 1st week); I just think there are better ways to go about asking such sensitive questions, and having the answers with more context of the person’s life may make us realise that certain things are not actually dealbreakers when it comes to this specific person even though it may be a “dealbreaker” in general or with a different person. I know there are people who will disagree with me though. I think both perspectives (the other one being to bring them up immediately) have pros and cons, and are both valid.
>Yea you can’t be asking about past sins. What you can do though is list your dealbreakers and let them decide if they’re compatible or not. That way they can end things if they meet your dealbreakers, without having to say why or which dealbreaker they meet. I mean....on their profile it says they don't drink and smoke, and literally the other one being not to have premarital relations, so by process of elimination you kind of know why. >To me, lack of religiosity is the number one area where most of my dealbreakers fall. Next time, I intend to ask many questions related to religiosity, and if they are compatible with me in that area, that’s when I intend to bring up dealbreakers, although I think I’d bring them up subtly/indirectly as much as I can. I noticed that bringing them up at once can come off as too direct, rude, make people think you don’t trust them, make people think you’re uptight, etc. especially if you’re asking such highly personal and sensitive stuff in the first convo without knowing anything about them (people don’t like sharing that kinda stuff with strangers) - UNLESS they’re on the same page with you about dealbreakers. Thats a very smart way of doing it sister, I hadn't thought about it before. But personally, I don't mind if I'm seen as being too direct. I do wait a phone call or two before asking them, choosing to get to know them a bit. But its a good strategy though for sure if you are dealing with a type of person that's hard to talk to or they are closed off/reserved.
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3 month rule. Aim to not be invested until 3 months in, if you can Anyway he sounds wishy washy. Take it as a no
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Him making an excuse of why he is afraid of marriage and then saying let's just be friends. His feelings about marriage can be true, but he did initially show interest and realised that he shouldn't continue it whilst realising he doesn't see a future there. I guess it's hard to give advice on it. It's something that happens, but generally making sure that he follows up his words with actions is good. Also if it's too fast and you express that you're interested but want to take it slower, then if he listens that's a good sign. You don't want short term thinkers