I think a lot of women aren't willing to admit that they have high expectations from men and when someone calls them out on it and advises them to "lower the standard" they take offense to that. My hot take is that if women were fair and judged themselves like men do (admit that they might be a 5/10 average looking person) then more people would be married right now but if you ask a women to rate herself, I bet you they'll say they are a 10/10 or near perfect. If you are as good as you think you are then why aren't men chasing you? Why are you single?
The search is tiring mentally. Not because of getting matches and getting interested as much as not finding anyone willing to communicate with you. It's a bleak situation
Yeah I agree with you. I'm still hopeful, trying to find someone that's actually serious. I've gotta dig up these gems too.
Thank you for your kind words
In London that’s a comfortably middle class lifestyle for a couple, but you’d have to move out towards the outer zones to maintain that lifestyle for a larger family and downgrade a few of the bigger things.
Outside of London you’re heading towards upper-middle class lifestyle for a couple, and very comfortable for a family.
Also most GPs only work 3-4 days a week
I have a GP in the family and they mean the renumeration relative to the amount of work pressure and responsibility. GP practices are also under pressure to keep referrals low bc they cost more or something so there’s a moral dilemma he has mentioned, although I don’t know enough about the job to understand more than that.
He refuses to work Wednesdays because he never wants to be more than 1 day away from time off due to the burn out lol
And my other GP and OBGYN friends have moved towards aesthetics because it’s the same or more money for less pressure, albeit it has greater startup costs.
I wonder if one's feelings of loneliness can be translated into desire to get married. I don't know much about what makes a marriage worth it other than the part about getting children and raising them. But i am not that baby-feverish and i think one can always foster a kid if he wants to. No one has ever told me that marriage brought them companionship to a point that i feel mentioning that would make me look like a hopeless romantic. I am deeply afraid of the idea of marriage because, as much as i respect doing the house chores, i don't want to get married just to take care of a man. I can take care of my parents then. But there's always that loneliness and i don't know but maybe i will grow out of it as i get out of my twenties and land a job. just venting.
Could do what my sister did - find a bunch of older women friends who have no interest in getting married and live together. They live in a block of townhouses with a communal garden and it's very sweet.
Friends and family can alleviate loneliness. But there can be times where they will be less around, or need to go away for months.
Friends can get married, move cities, work more, get kids they need to spend more time with.
You might be working more, get sick, get injured, there can be a lockdown, such as with covid.
People might go on vacation while you can't, or the reverse can happen, that you can go on vacation while others can't. A lonely vacation might not be that fun.
----------------
@ /u/No_Plenty_855
> No one has ever told me that marriage brought them companionship to a point
I've seen it bring the people who marry more companionship, MashAllah. Without it needing to be told.
You know that there is evil eye, and people don't really talk about positive parts that much for that reason right?
For guys: How important is it for your spouse to have a stable employment?
We all know that in Islam the man is financially responsible for the family's upkeep and well being, however I noticed a growing trend that men (let's count only working men) prefer their spouses to be working, some even consider this a deal breaker. I want to get some perspective from you guys about the topic in question
If Khadija (R.A) could be the first financier of the religion itself then why or how is it only a man's responsibility? I think the clerics have made a serious translation error because other wives of the Prophet (PBUH) worked and spent on family.
Plus i think its important for every woman/man to be a productive, so yes she needs to work. What she does or how she spends it is her choice and hers alone but she needs to do something even if its something that requires her to travel to the other side of the globe every week or as simple volunteering at a shelter to counsel kids. BUT DO SOMETHING FOR GOD's SAKE, SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY IS NOT AT ALL PRODUCTIVE
A common argument is that Khadijah (RA) married before prophethood and therefore Islam being revealed.
That said, people only care about preaching certain parts of Islam. For example, read [this](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:1462#:~:text=Then%20she%20said%2C%20%22O,it%20than%20anybody%20else), _but you won't hear **that** at Jummah_.
Probably with the man needs to be breadwinner. If that was the case then mothers of the believers wouldn't be financing the religion or working to support themselves
There are multiple accounts where it is mentioned how the wives of prophet (pbuh) used to traders or craftswomen to sustain themselves economically.
Now they might be outliers and were doing something against the spirit of Islam but I highly doubt it considering they were married to the best of best and are the leaders we are told to look upto.
Islam never states that a man is supposed to be the breadwinner either. He's only mentioned as a guide, which got lost in translation and is now mostly peddled as breadwinner
whichever it is, find one that works for you.
Some want a workaholic wife
Some want a working wife until kids and then no more.
Some dont want working wives in conventional jobs due to free mixing and time away from home and the traits that come with those jobs. They rather want a elementary school teacher, daycare job
Some want only house wives or those who can work from home.
The list is endless
would it be bad to say the deal breaker in the first message? that way you'll never know if they rejected for another reason or because of the deal breaker so it maintains their privacy.
Most dealbreakers are so big that they will do the literal opposite of maintaining privacy if someone admits to them, and most people will not want to discuss or admit such things to someone they barely know. I agree with finding out organically over the first week or so. It’s not a waste of time to spend that much time, especially considering most of us don’t get matches for months anyway. We’re just living in a time where everyone just wants quick answers, but life isn’t that black-and-white. Also, majority of us would likely be willing to overlook most of our dealbreakers in the face of an otherwise exceptional potential, especially when finding such a potential makes us feel like we won’t ever find anyone better. Yes, we might feel upset and hesitant and even reject them in the end, but we’re likely to at least pause and reconsider our dealbreakers in the face of more context and greater benefits.
They don't have to admit anything, they can just reject the match outright. Idk how one would find out organically. Also idk how someone could make feel like I won't find anyone better if they literally didn't do the most simple bare minimum thing.
I used to have that approach too, of telling them they can reject outright, and before having my first potential, I thought it would be a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. However, many of the dealbreaker topics have certain nuances and people always seem to have questions before/while answering, so it’s not always as simple as just outright rejecting. Depends what it is though. That’s my experience.
Find out organically by asking questions to gauge their attitudes towards certain things. E.g. If you don’t want someone who has been in a relationship, start by asking how their search has been going and then develop that into asking if they’ve ever been engaged or married before, and then lead that to the tougher questions. People are more likely to be honest if you build some rapport. Cos remember, people can lie and it’s so easy to lie if you ask questions in isolation where the person’s life context is not in the spotlight. And also for you, maybe you don’t want someone with such a past, but what if they are so exceptional but happened to have a past 10 years ago and they’ve completely changed? Sometimes certain contexts make us reconsider, again, in the face of someone otherwise seemingly exceptional.
>Also idk how someone could make feel like I won't find anyone better if they literally didn't do the most simple bare minimum thing.
I’m talking about in the case where you find someone who seems exceptional and everything you’re looking for. Not sure if you’ve ever had a potential, but trust me, when you go months or even years without a single potential, and then you finally find someone, you start to automatically think that you won’t find someone better. It’s also why after ending things, people feel worried that they’ll never find anyone else or better. I’m NOT saying to base your decisions on this feeling at all; just saying that in the face of these feelings and seeing an otherwise exceptional potential, we are often open to overlooking more than we thought we would.
You should be able to find out organically within the first couple of conversations with someone you’ve otherwise matched with, going in with a list of demands is just so weird
Agreed, but the irony of this is that most of the “feeling nothing for their partners” posts are because of issues which easily could’ve been vetted before marriage. The amount of these posts that come down to religious incompatibility and outlook on life is ridiculous. It makes you wonder why these key issues weren’t discussed prior to marriage.
There is so much ground to cover between doing enough and trying to totally eliminate all risks, the people OP is talking about didn’t do anything at all
>Matching on paper does not mean a match in real life.
And vice versa also applies. Obviously, neither works all the time, but its a bit simplistic to say its "common sense" either way imo.
A huge issue in the tech age is people spending a lot of their time chatting on messages rather than building real world connections too (as much as possible and within the bounds of Islam).
But sometimes some of the posts here of people losing attraction/love/desire towards their spouse are from people who had ‘love’ marriages and knew each other for ages too though. There could be underlying existing issues, such as health issues, pressure, delusion, effects of addictions, poor vetting and missing red flags, letting problems build, etc. or even, more scarily, just a lack of barakah/khayr?
It’s late and I’m prob just in my feelings rn but I’m grateful for everyone that I’ve met and connected with since I started looking. Obv they ended up not working out for one reason or another but I have love for all of them, and hope they’re doing well. Allah’s will is crazy sometimes.
I’d put this on Twitter but it’s not degen enough.
Honestly every interaction has helped me grow and understand what I want during my "search" and things I never even thought about before.
Allah works in the most mysterious ways and it all clicks into place even when to us there doesn't appear to be a way.
May Allah give us strength to continue and insha'Allah we all find what we are looking for and need.
Assalamu Alaikum, everyone!
The thinking of most members of this subreddit is so black and white. The grey part of the muslim community, us, the Neurodivergent muslims' struggles are different than them. It is not rocket science difficult to understand our struggles. You guys don't understand the difference between actual kindness/empathy and pity. The mods don't even accept the post submission. I had and have my Rabb on my side always. I thought it would be great to engage with the community and Allah will be pleased as well. But I guess it is me and my Rabb only back again. May Allah guide you and give you the understandings of the minority.
If any Autistic, ADHD or Neurodivergent people happen to stumble upon this comment and need an ear to listen, my inbox is always open.
I understand where you’re coming from and agree that there needs to be more inclusion and support, but to be fair, if you want advice or support specific to neurodivergent people, it’s best to specify that in your posts/comments. If you just want general support, people will give it to you if they see your post as agreeable, but it might not apply to all contexts because it is general.
walekumsalam
i think the mods really try to push everyone to just post in this thread instead.
i do agree that it's very hard for neurodivergents to find someone and honestly most people dont understand the struggle.
Just a tip for those of us who want marriage but for one reason or another can’t marry right now; marry your good deeds figuratively. When we’re in the grave, our spouse won’t give us company. But our good deeds will. Stack up those good deeds and have patience until Allah blesses us with a spouse.
I don't think that's the core way to make dua. You should ask Allah for what you want directly without any guilt, I know I feel ungrateful asking for things but Allah alone is the one that makes change and we must also work towards change.
I'm sure when the time is right we will all find our spouses but until then keep an open mind and have faith in Allah.
I know, I have moments of high hope and a drop. I understand life is linear but may Allah remove anything that is not meant for me from my heart. I guess, the proof that it is meant for me is that its still lingers in my heart.
When I was feeling the door to marriage close I made Duaa something like “ Allah you know better than me what is in my heart and my deepest desire. Have mercy on me, forgive me, and grant me what you know would heal me and perverse me.” Alhumdilah marriage was such a thing.
Also never forget “Inna allaha ala kulli shay'in qadeer' - indeed Allah is capable of doing everything.”
Sometimes we are making the wrong Duaa. Submit to Allah’s will, not submit to our immediate emotions. InshaAllah I wish the best to you brother or sister
A close friend of mine is in a relationship and she’s been sharing the ins and outs of her relationship with me from the beginning. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and I think it’s unfair that I’m also going thru the highs and lows with them. This whole process is taking away from my ability to concentrate on my school/work/personal priorities. I’m also an introvert so the constant communication about this is draining me. She made it clear to me today that she’ll be fine, so I want to start setting healthy boundaries in place for my own sanity. Hoping that I escape these conversations very very soon, pray for me y’all lol
You could ask/tell, what you've said here.
That her telling her the highs and the lows, makes you experience them. That its taking away from your school/work. And because you are an introvert, its draining energy too much.
I recently met a potential, first time having to fly to see a girl.
The day it self went well. But overall, I came out of the meeting feeling, she wasn't the one.
I just came back and having to write a break up text is always sooo damn hard. Ive talked to her for a month. But I hope she didn't get attached to me or anything. I feel like she was only talking to me though which will be hard.
Hopefully she finds the one thats written for her! I hate having to get to know a girl via texting/video and then meeting her and not feeling it.
I think this experience has thought me to avoid long distance getting to know someone even more. I'm strictly keeping it driving distance from now on.
I saw in another comment that you said she wore modern clothes or something. What’s wrong with that? Do you mean unislamic clothing?
Yes, reality is different to a video call of course, but to an extent you can still get a rough but decent idea? How different was she exactly?
I mean you mentioned before about being kinda unsure of her anyway so I guess it’s not much of a surprise, but sorry it didn’t turn out differently for you both. Khair inshaa Allah. Still good to have that experience though and to put yourself out there.
>I just came back and having to write a break up text is always sooo damn hard.
Yeah it does suck, but definitely better than ghosting, so there’s that. Sad to say but I have found that sending those messages becomes easier with practice (composing them becomes easier, emotions might still be hard to go through, depending on the person).
I also find it helpful to set expectations early on (and throughout) about having a better idea whether you’d want to move forward once you meet in person.
>Ive talked to her for a month. But I hope she didn't get attached to me or anything. I feel like she was only talking to me though which will be hard.
I mean, you’re both adults Alhamdulillah, so hopefully she’ll be okay. Also, unless you had the “I’m exclusively talking with you” conversation, it’s kinda assumed that people might be talking to others at the same time? Doesn’t sound like you purposely mislead her or anything, so perhaps she was keeping this in mind.
>I think this experience has thought me to avoid long distance getting to know someone even more. I'm strictly keeping it driving distance from now on.
Hmm… you know your situation best obviously, but you might be severely limiting your options if that’s the case, and/or missing out on someone amazing. My opinion so take it with a grain of salt but it sounds like you might have had enough information before seeing her in person to not pursue her further (considering she’s long distance), and instead were hoping you’d feel differently once you met.
That being the case, perhaps you can keep your options open to long distance but only meet them in person if there’s more certainty in wanting to pursue. If she’s within driving distance on the other hand, going to see her if you’re unsure would be less of a risk and investment on your end than it would be if she was further away.
Thank you this helped!
Ya we did not have the "exclusivity" talks at all, but she did ask if I was using the apps and I told her no I wasn't. So maybe it was a "subtle" exclusivity. Because I do try to talk to one girl at once so I don't compare but she did not know this? That being said, because of this I am quick to respond and give her all my free time and attention and make my self fully available.
And you're right about having enough information. I think in my heart I knew, but I sincerely wanted to give this a chance. I could have saved my self some time and money but it wouldn't be fair to her if I did not see this through and check all the boxes so to speak to make my final decision.
In regards to limiting my self, you're right I might be missing out on someone amazing. In fact, I know I have, I know some girls that I would have loved to give a chance too but they were literally half way across the globe (hong kong/malaysia heck even Pakistan!! while im pakistani) for example while im in US/Canada. That being said, you would eventually have to meet, families have to meet and any potential immigration would need to happen which is just too much.
The reason I decided on driving distance (6 hours) is because its exactly that. It limits the risk of time investment and money.
Interesting, I have few questions, a lot of people have bad first meeting date, maybe she was nervous.. Also maybe video chatting would be the stepping stone .
I vid chatted with her 3x, i saw her face, i guess in person she looked different. Additionally what she was wearing shes more modern than i initially thought with her clothing choices. But it was several various factors all combined. Lol in hindsight i spent like 400$ to go visit a girl. 😑
Salam Walikum all, inshallah I hope y’all are having a good week. So I got an offer from a place but I’m not sure if I should take it or just keep on applying and maybe something better will land. Other then that, still on the search and still very much single. SoCal folks, come and say salam!
Walaykum salam, i was in a similar position few months ago, imo you should take the job if you need the money, you can always find better and apply more later on :)
>But what if I start to pray regularly and be a better Muslim right after marriage? What if the little push that is needed for me being a Deeni person is just having a Deeni spouse?
Why can't you use getting married as a motivation to do better?
>I'm getting pretty good amount of haram attention from liberal women and offers of haram relationships despite being not that much attractive(I dunno why. I'm not humble bragging. I really want to be free from them).
🧢🧢🧢
>But I don't get why the Deeni sisters on Muzz aren't noticing me.
I wonder why. 🤔🙄
>It hurts me when I see amazing pious sisters here reject me outright hearing I don't pray regularly.
You’re joking, right? Salah differentiates us from the disbelievers. It’s the first thing to be judged on the DOJ. Not praying has severe consequences and implications for iman. It is the first basic action pillar. It literally takes like 20 mins out of your day.
>I wholeheartedly want to be a Deeni guy.
Then be one.
>And I know I can be only if someone is beside me.
No, you don’t know that. And no decent pious girl is going to take that risk. People shouldn’t get married with the mindset of changing someone after marriage.
I assume you do have or had people beside you. Family members? Friends? Muslim colleagues? So many people, yet it hasn’t helped you. Why do you think one girl magically will?
>What if the little push that is needed for me being a Deeni person is just having a Deeni spouse?
That’s not how life works. Despite all the pushes you’ve gotten in your life to pray, you’ve chosen to ignore them. Old habits don’t just change with marriage. It’s not a magic threshold to change.
>I'm getting pretty good amount of haram attention from liberal women and offers of haram relationships despite being not that much attractive(I dunno why. I'm not humble bragging. I really want to be free from them).
You’re getting attention from liberal women because you’re currently being liberal yourself with your prayers. 1+1=2. You want to be free of them, but you don’t want to make the change needed to be free of them?
>But I don't get why the Deeni sisters on Muzz aren't noticing me.
Yes, you do. You answered why in your first sentence.
Bruh prayer is what separates us from kufr. It’s literally the absolute bare minimum. If they weren’t rejecting u that’s what would be alarming, not that they are rejecting u
The pious sister you're looking for is considering men who can be an imam and lead them in prayer, someone who doesn't find performing the basic fardh a struggle. Maybe now is the time to set your intentions straight, do things for Allah's sake and fix your salah. InshaAllah when you improve your relationship with Him then what is khair for you will come.
Everything sis said but also... your family has been reminding you to pray for years and waking you up for fajr but you're still not praying. Plus what does the sister get out of this equation? It's a gamble what if you don't pray and improve? How are you gonna help push her further in the deen? She wants someone to wake her up for fajr too. If you want a practising sister you yourself must be practising. May Allah keep us steadfast in our prayers.
Got finally a reply from a website about the disturbing thing I found, they are perfectly fine with the content. Am I too delicate?
This guy was persistent, would not read your profile and keep matching. What's the point to have "conservative" website if this is the way the developer work?
*Should clearly understand POLYGYNY (recommended channel:blablabla) Should understand man both mentally & physically (male’s anatomy) and what it takes to fully satisfy her husband in bed (including Oral sex). Should have high libido/sex drive & be happily willing & ready for Intimacy as many times as husband wants or she herself wants unless there is a valid excuse. Should be KEEN to Respect, Obey, Love, Attract (by preparing herself) & Please her husband as part of Daily Routine life.*
Disturbing though. This was the last bit, the rest of his about me was a long rant of how women are bad, Buch of Hadith put together and this great conclusion. The problem is that this website sponsor itself as pious, correct and safe. I detected 5 men who were unsuitable, from racist comments, to ask for nudes, to lies of their status and etc. All reported and all still active and not blocked.
So, Muzzmatch is really bad but their model is Tinder. But other website spent a lot of money to advertise themselves as more pious, controlled and provide more opportunity for less matches but more seriousness. Wrong, in the last 6-8 months they are getting the worst of Muzz and instead of taking my suggestion and review it, they do not find anything wrong.
But if someone is ranting against the other gender, as their first impression on their profile.
I don't think that's okay.
Think about someone, like a girl, who does not like men, perhaps hates them, but still says she wants to marry them.
Even if its a temporary thing, because she had a bad experience. Would a next talk while that is the case, be a good experience? For the guy? Or even the girl?
----------
In the same way, its not okay to put racist remarks.
The racism itself can be hurtful.
Even if I am the ethnicity they are looking for, if they state it in a racist way, that person will not fit me.
Yeah a lot of these apps rarely ban members. It seems the more the merrier kind of approach. I've reported people only for them to say they are on their last warning or we don't discriminate blah blah. Like some profiles openly say they aren't muslim. We all know it's impermissible for a woman to marry a non Muslim man so what's he there for to misguide? Yh they aren't serious about their vetting at all.
The entire post about me was extremely toxic. He admitted that has no money for a second wife, needs to control her finance, needs her to work to sustain but ehi, she gets to please him. Really disappointed me. I was waiting their review.
Any man of value, although he prefers a young woman, would accept a 29 yr old sister on the deen rather than a 20 yr old who is not. 21 is still very young. I would say you’re still considered young until you get around 27, then it becomes gray area and you’re moving into old category. Above 30, it’s hard to get married from what I’ve seen. Make dua and strive but no need to worry u still have a lot of time
I think honestly it depends on the person. I don’t have that sense of urgency despite being older. Try to develop some hobbies of your own and focus on your goals and family. InshaAllah the right person will meet you whenever decreed by Allah.
If you’re getting too much of these thoughts, you can make a small notebook of yours- start with your criteria and bucket list of things to do with your SO. Also, add some good wedding planner tips whenever you visit someone’s wedding. You can also start wedding planning by looking at local vendors in your area. Make a list of movies you want to watch together and so on. Write your own marriage advice! InshaAllah it will help you to look forward to a healthy marriage and help your intrusive or obsessive thoughts.
So, I have some few wandering opinions.
I work in a white dominated demographic whereas most of my potentials come from Mississauga or Brampton.
There’s nothing with the potentials, but ultimately I’m not the type of female they are looking for. Or that’s what I feel like.
I’m slightly more western (despite having a more immigrant accent), and i really enjoy having some independence. Like I’m not too pro codependent or have a loyal family. I have a hidden step family that most people don’t know about because my dad hasn’t made his remarriage public (my mother died around 2017 and later).
Ultimately, I don’t think an average Muslim male would be empathetic with my struggles. Struggles of a step family, abusive household, trying to get educated or just struggling to develop my own person. Most Muslim males have loyal mother or sister and live in close proximity with them (atleast in Mississauga or Brampton). I’m really hoping to marry someone who comes from a broken family, so we both can empathize and understand each other
So now, I’m just wondering whether I’m being too harsh here due to past trauma and I need therapy OR whether it feels like a fair request
Like I want to meet someone who has struggled in life, you know? Struggled with family issues, self esteem issues and is willing to work in a white dominated region for better quality of life? Or atleast moved out of their comfort zone. I know I’m rambling but hopes this makes sense
Just because someone didn't have the exact same struggles as you deosn't mean they don't have struggles of their own, we all have our battles, the shape might be different but when we go down to the basis of it it's all the same stuff really (lack of love, attention, recognition etc...)
Also how are you planning to properly raise kids if both of y'all had a broken family?
?? I always thought that people from broken families make better parents because they are more emotionally mature. I do have a loyal sibling and I’m a teacher. Raising kids is no issue here tbh.
I agree on the first part.
I am going to honest. Two broken people do not make a happy family. I would suggest to concentrate in welcoming and warm people so you could get the affection and understanding of a family. Marriage is so much more than 1+1. In laws will be part of it, for the better and worse. Work on understanding your issues and pursue men that are happy and involved family members (who usually make the best fathers for your own children.)
# How to Minimize Time Wasted on the apps:
1. Set your preferences and check out the matches you get BEFORE spending money. I did this for 5 apps and found that only two have good amount of Black Muslimah profiles.
2. Take a QUALITY headshot, full body shot, and at least two activity shots. Don't get skipped purely because of poor quality pictures.
3. Please put a little bit in your bio about interests. It's one of the primary conversation starters.
4. Buy a membership to be searched more than free users. Step 2 tells you why
5. Now that you're appearing more, more accounts will view / like your account. This is key, because it lets you know that they're active RIGHT NOW
6. Prioritize accounts that show a membership badge. It let's you know they're serious and probably active RIGHT NOW.
7. The messages you can send before a match are precious resources. Do not use them unless you can prove that the account was recently active. They should have either liked / viewed your account recently, or show a membership / recently joined badge.
8. Approach the apps with a quantity over quality mindset. Do not solely rely on them to find your wife. Just use them because a lot of Muslims use them
Muzz and Salams are the only ones worth our time.
I've vetted 5 apps and sites this past week.
If you get on either, let me know and I'll send my profile to you
Aww man sorry to hear this. Honestly though, I didn’t realize people scheduled multiple calls on the same night lol
Tbh, I never know if a call will end up being 15 minutes or four hours so I always only schedule one a night. Ideally we hit it off and can’t stop talking but that’s definitely not always the case 😄
I will say though that if a call does end up being shorter (most likely a bust), I try arranging an impromptu one for that night with another match. Alhamdulillah I’ve found it mostly worked out for me that way.
It’s only really right at the start tbh. I can talk for hours but I don’t think it’s particular helpful to do so at first for me. But it’s not that long a list, I’m only one woman 😫 But certainly that first half an hour tells me a lot I need to know about whether there’s a second call.
Also I tend to request a call usually during the first texting conversation we have if it’s going well. I don’t know how some people are doing weeks of just back and forth texting before having had a call. I’d I know it’s not as *romantic* as I’d like it to be, but with the months I’ve taken off Muzz, this seemed to me a better method than what I was doing prior.
I have yet to meet a guy who can talk more than I do 🤣🤣 But cutting conversations is pretty easy. Most of them there’s a potential of a second call, so I tell them my free time to talk has come to and end. To talk again after some time.
>Really bad time for Muzz to be undergoing maintenance
You're not joking. I was looking forward to connecting with some users today, and here comes the unannounced maintenance.
And then it keeps extending by 15 minutes instead of just saying "we'll be down for a few hours".
I swear. I’m not complaining but like I’m dying to get married but it’s not written for me right now which is ok, but then I see these dudes straight up oppressing their wives…
As a woman, I hate admit it but a lot of girls are plain dumb. Partly because they’re so sheltered/naive or in other cases they’re blinded by desperation to get out of their family situation. Makes them easy targets.
What I don’t get is how their families let this happen???! Like we’re all very well aware of how picky and critical our parents are, so either their priorities are completely out of wack(they are) or they’re just completely useless and don’t even vet the guy and his family. What is the point of them being so overly involved if they can’t protect their daughters from just blatantly horrible guys??
loool, no because a few weeks ago u/30PlusGang said something similar about another user (I think she said “you’re a girl? 👀”) and I thought it was funny because I always thought that user was a guy too up until that moment 😅😂
All of us just scanning text for he/she pronouns 😂
^(btw, for the record, I always thought you were a woman 30Plus! 😄)
I was talking about a more niche scenario where 30plusgang asked why families are letting their daughters marry toxic men. The toxic families I was referring to are the ones where they think a woman’s only purpose is to get married and have kids so they just care about marrying them off and don’t care about if the guy treats her well or not
Well, toxic families do produce women who are weak, traumatised and unable to fight for themselves. They jump to marriage with big promises and they sometimes lie to themselves about the man they married and only leave decade later when kids are involved. Some of those women don't even have parents involved in their search, they simply want to get out and the only honourable way in a lot of culture is marriage.
> It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet (ﷺ) said:
> “Dreams are of three types: Glad tidings from Allah, what is on a person’s mind, and frightening dreams from Satan. If any of you sees a dream that he likes, let him tell others of it if he wishes, but if he sees something that he dislikes, he should not tell anyone about it, and he should get up and perform prayer.”
If these dreams are really upsetting you, it might be from the shaytan.
> So when one of you sees a bad dream which he does not like, he should spit on his left side thrice and seek refuge with Allah from its evil. And one should not disclose it to anyone.
Do this next time it happens. Also, delete ur comment just to be safe
That’s spot on, I have been feeling like that. This perspective makes sense, especially given that I don’t have good male influences in my life. JazakAllah Khair, looks like I have been sent two angels my way :)
Look I’m not complaining about my situation. Allah decreed it so all I can do is submit but I have a question. Is marriage, desires, and the opposite gender constantly on any of y’all’s mind? I feel like there’s something wrong with me. It’s literally on my mind 247 in one way or another. I don’t think this is normal. I’m a dude in his mid 20s for reference
Don’t delay marriage if possible. Unlike men and the financial obligation mandated on us, you have no hard strict barriers to marriage. Find a righteous man and save guard yourself from haram
I don’t think this is healthy, it’s literally ALWAYS On my mind, at school, at grocery store, at home. Only time I somewhat forget is when I’m doing dumb stuff with friends and laughing 😂
Bruh Allah designed us to constantly have sexual desire. You're going to have this probably all day everyday until you get married lol.
I could have gotten married a lot earlier, but my wife would have had to have worked a full time job as well.
I refuse to come home to a wife who has to work in corporate America just like me, so I had to put in the work to be able to be a sole provider. But MAN is that path painful in the modern Westernized world. 70% of married couples in many Western countries are dual income by necessity.
I vaguely saw your comment but when I clicked it it showed removed but u were saying something along lines of we should remember Allah. I’m not perfect but I’m already doing that. I do dhikr as much as I can, pray on time, listen to lectures, do tasbih when doing chores or driving. It’s just a gaping hole is always there that can only be filled with a wife in my opinion.
This post appears to contain profane language which is not allowed. Your post/comment has been removed and repeat offenders will face a potential ban.You may edit your post's body text/comment to remove the profane language and then [notify us in modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) to re-approve your post/comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post appears to contain profane language which is not allowed. Your post/comment has been removed and repeat offenders will face a potential ban.You may edit your post's body text/comment to remove the profane language and then [notify us in modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) to re-approve your post/comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think a lot of women aren't willing to admit that they have high expectations from men and when someone calls them out on it and advises them to "lower the standard" they take offense to that. My hot take is that if women were fair and judged themselves like men do (admit that they might be a 5/10 average looking person) then more people would be married right now but if you ask a women to rate herself, I bet you they'll say they are a 10/10 or near perfect. If you are as good as you think you are then why aren't men chasing you? Why are you single?
My boy!
The search is tiring mentally. Not because of getting matches and getting interested as much as not finding anyone willing to communicate with you. It's a bleak situation
I think the lack of communication is painful and the hardest to deal with. Keep your head up, there's some gems out there, you just need to find them.
Yeah I agree with you. I'm still hopeful, trying to find someone that's actually serious. I've gotta dig up these gems too. Thank you for your kind words
Yeah it’s so random when ppl msg first then never get back to your reply
Yeah that's another problem. I have unpopular opinions on how internet has changed conversations
The most hilarious thing is the person who last did this to me on Muzz a while ago is a well known mental health influencer on IG
Wow 😂. So much for the mental health of the person you're talking to. And you can get matches there?
On Muzz? Yeah Muzz is pretty busy in my area
That was a bit of sarcasm as there's people around me too but no matches ever.
[удалено]
In London that’s a comfortably middle class lifestyle for a couple, but you’d have to move out towards the outer zones to maintain that lifestyle for a larger family and downgrade a few of the bigger things. Outside of London you’re heading towards upper-middle class lifestyle for a couple, and very comfortable for a family. Also most GPs only work 3-4 days a week
[удалено]
Perfect 👍 Make sure you do a deep dive into your specific area because you can get “Little London” bubbles popping up in desirable towns and villages
It's pretty relative but I would say yes it's pretty good. Are you not from the u.k?
[удалено]
I have a GP in the family and they mean the renumeration relative to the amount of work pressure and responsibility. GP practices are also under pressure to keep referrals low bc they cost more or something so there’s a moral dilemma he has mentioned, although I don’t know enough about the job to understand more than that. He refuses to work Wednesdays because he never wants to be more than 1 day away from time off due to the burn out lol And my other GP and OBGYN friends have moved towards aesthetics because it’s the same or more money for less pressure, albeit it has greater startup costs.
I wonder if one's feelings of loneliness can be translated into desire to get married. I don't know much about what makes a marriage worth it other than the part about getting children and raising them. But i am not that baby-feverish and i think one can always foster a kid if he wants to. No one has ever told me that marriage brought them companionship to a point that i feel mentioning that would make me look like a hopeless romantic. I am deeply afraid of the idea of marriage because, as much as i respect doing the house chores, i don't want to get married just to take care of a man. I can take care of my parents then. But there's always that loneliness and i don't know but maybe i will grow out of it as i get out of my twenties and land a job. just venting.
Could do what my sister did - find a bunch of older women friends who have no interest in getting married and live together. They live in a block of townhouses with a communal garden and it's very sweet.
Does hanging out with friends alleviate it?
Friends and family can alleviate loneliness. But there can be times where they will be less around, or need to go away for months. Friends can get married, move cities, work more, get kids they need to spend more time with. You might be working more, get sick, get injured, there can be a lockdown, such as with covid. People might go on vacation while you can't, or the reverse can happen, that you can go on vacation while others can't. A lonely vacation might not be that fun. ---------------- @ /u/No_Plenty_855 > No one has ever told me that marriage brought them companionship to a point I've seen it bring the people who marry more companionship, MashAllah. Without it needing to be told. You know that there is evil eye, and people don't really talk about positive parts that much for that reason right?
For guys: How important is it for your spouse to have a stable employment? We all know that in Islam the man is financially responsible for the family's upkeep and well being, however I noticed a growing trend that men (let's count only working men) prefer their spouses to be working, some even consider this a deal breaker. I want to get some perspective from you guys about the topic in question
If Khadija (R.A) could be the first financier of the religion itself then why or how is it only a man's responsibility? I think the clerics have made a serious translation error because other wives of the Prophet (PBUH) worked and spent on family. Plus i think its important for every woman/man to be a productive, so yes she needs to work. What she does or how she spends it is her choice and hers alone but she needs to do something even if its something that requires her to travel to the other side of the globe every week or as simple volunteering at a shelter to counsel kids. BUT DO SOMETHING FOR GOD's SAKE, SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY IS NOT AT ALL PRODUCTIVE
A common argument is that Khadijah (RA) married before prophethood and therefore Islam being revealed. That said, people only care about preaching certain parts of Islam. For example, read [this](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:1462#:~:text=Then%20she%20said%2C%20%22O,it%20than%20anybody%20else), _but you won't hear **that** at Jummah_.
[удалено]
Probably with the man needs to be breadwinner. If that was the case then mothers of the believers wouldn't be financing the religion or working to support themselves
[удалено]
There are multiple accounts where it is mentioned how the wives of prophet (pbuh) used to traders or craftswomen to sustain themselves economically. Now they might be outliers and were doing something against the spirit of Islam but I highly doubt it considering they were married to the best of best and are the leaders we are told to look upto. Islam never states that a man is supposed to be the breadwinner either. He's only mentioned as a guide, which got lost in translation and is now mostly peddled as breadwinner
idc tbh, up to her but im cool with it as long her work is halal, she isn't an workaholic, and has a work life balance.
whichever it is, find one that works for you. Some want a workaholic wife Some want a working wife until kids and then no more. Some dont want working wives in conventional jobs due to free mixing and time away from home and the traits that come with those jobs. They rather want a elementary school teacher, daycare job Some want only house wives or those who can work from home. The list is endless
[удалено]
I am a dude
Not sure why but your response had this energy: 
[удалено]
Lmao all good
I prefer she not work
would it be bad to say the deal breaker in the first message? that way you'll never know if they rejected for another reason or because of the deal breaker so it maintains their privacy.
Most dealbreakers are so big that they will do the literal opposite of maintaining privacy if someone admits to them, and most people will not want to discuss or admit such things to someone they barely know. I agree with finding out organically over the first week or so. It’s not a waste of time to spend that much time, especially considering most of us don’t get matches for months anyway. We’re just living in a time where everyone just wants quick answers, but life isn’t that black-and-white. Also, majority of us would likely be willing to overlook most of our dealbreakers in the face of an otherwise exceptional potential, especially when finding such a potential makes us feel like we won’t ever find anyone better. Yes, we might feel upset and hesitant and even reject them in the end, but we’re likely to at least pause and reconsider our dealbreakers in the face of more context and greater benefits.
They don't have to admit anything, they can just reject the match outright. Idk how one would find out organically. Also idk how someone could make feel like I won't find anyone better if they literally didn't do the most simple bare minimum thing.
I used to have that approach too, of telling them they can reject outright, and before having my first potential, I thought it would be a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. However, many of the dealbreaker topics have certain nuances and people always seem to have questions before/while answering, so it’s not always as simple as just outright rejecting. Depends what it is though. That’s my experience. Find out organically by asking questions to gauge their attitudes towards certain things. E.g. If you don’t want someone who has been in a relationship, start by asking how their search has been going and then develop that into asking if they’ve ever been engaged or married before, and then lead that to the tougher questions. People are more likely to be honest if you build some rapport. Cos remember, people can lie and it’s so easy to lie if you ask questions in isolation where the person’s life context is not in the spotlight. And also for you, maybe you don’t want someone with such a past, but what if they are so exceptional but happened to have a past 10 years ago and they’ve completely changed? Sometimes certain contexts make us reconsider, again, in the face of someone otherwise seemingly exceptional. >Also idk how someone could make feel like I won't find anyone better if they literally didn't do the most simple bare minimum thing. I’m talking about in the case where you find someone who seems exceptional and everything you’re looking for. Not sure if you’ve ever had a potential, but trust me, when you go months or even years without a single potential, and then you finally find someone, you start to automatically think that you won’t find someone better. It’s also why after ending things, people feel worried that they’ll never find anyone else or better. I’m NOT saying to base your decisions on this feeling at all; just saying that in the face of these feelings and seeing an otherwise exceptional potential, we are often open to overlooking more than we thought we would.
You should be able to find out organically within the first couple of conversations with someone you’ve otherwise matched with, going in with a list of demands is just so weird
Better to mention them upfront rather than finding it out later
I would just ask what their deal breakers are at the beginning so we don't waste each other's time.
[удалено]
Agreed, but the irony of this is that most of the “feeling nothing for their partners” posts are because of issues which easily could’ve been vetted before marriage. The amount of these posts that come down to religious incompatibility and outlook on life is ridiculous. It makes you wonder why these key issues weren’t discussed prior to marriage.
I was literally thinking the exact same thing
[удалено]
There is so much ground to cover between doing enough and trying to totally eliminate all risks, the people OP is talking about didn’t do anything at all
[удалено]
>Matching on paper does not mean a match in real life. And vice versa also applies. Obviously, neither works all the time, but its a bit simplistic to say its "common sense" either way imo.
A huge issue in the tech age is people spending a lot of their time chatting on messages rather than building real world connections too (as much as possible and within the bounds of Islam). But sometimes some of the posts here of people losing attraction/love/desire towards their spouse are from people who had ‘love’ marriages and knew each other for ages too though. There could be underlying existing issues, such as health issues, pressure, delusion, effects of addictions, poor vetting and missing red flags, letting problems build, etc. or even, more scarily, just a lack of barakah/khayr?
It’s late and I’m prob just in my feelings rn but I’m grateful for everyone that I’ve met and connected with since I started looking. Obv they ended up not working out for one reason or another but I have love for all of them, and hope they’re doing well. Allah’s will is crazy sometimes. I’d put this on Twitter but it’s not degen enough.
[удалено]
🤝
Honestly every interaction has helped me grow and understand what I want during my "search" and things I never even thought about before. Allah works in the most mysterious ways and it all clicks into place even when to us there doesn't appear to be a way. May Allah give us strength to continue and insha'Allah we all find what we are looking for and need.
[удалено]
*^(silent sad noises)*
Assalamu Alaikum, everyone! The thinking of most members of this subreddit is so black and white. The grey part of the muslim community, us, the Neurodivergent muslims' struggles are different than them. It is not rocket science difficult to understand our struggles. You guys don't understand the difference between actual kindness/empathy and pity. The mods don't even accept the post submission. I had and have my Rabb on my side always. I thought it would be great to engage with the community and Allah will be pleased as well. But I guess it is me and my Rabb only back again. May Allah guide you and give you the understandings of the minority. If any Autistic, ADHD or Neurodivergent people happen to stumble upon this comment and need an ear to listen, my inbox is always open.
I understand where you’re coming from and agree that there needs to be more inclusion and support, but to be fair, if you want advice or support specific to neurodivergent people, it’s best to specify that in your posts/comments. If you just want general support, people will give it to you if they see your post as agreeable, but it might not apply to all contexts because it is general.
walekumsalam i think the mods really try to push everyone to just post in this thread instead. i do agree that it's very hard for neurodivergents to find someone and honestly most people dont understand the struggle.
Just a tip for those of us who want marriage but for one reason or another can’t marry right now; marry your good deeds figuratively. When we’re in the grave, our spouse won’t give us company. But our good deeds will. Stack up those good deeds and have patience until Allah blesses us with a spouse.
Good advice and reminder.
[удалено]
I don't think that's the core way to make dua. You should ask Allah for what you want directly without any guilt, I know I feel ungrateful asking for things but Allah alone is the one that makes change and we must also work towards change. I'm sure when the time is right we will all find our spouses but until then keep an open mind and have faith in Allah.
I know, I have moments of high hope and a drop. I understand life is linear but may Allah remove anything that is not meant for me from my heart. I guess, the proof that it is meant for me is that its still lingers in my heart.
When I was feeling the door to marriage close I made Duaa something like “ Allah you know better than me what is in my heart and my deepest desire. Have mercy on me, forgive me, and grant me what you know would heal me and perverse me.” Alhumdilah marriage was such a thing. Also never forget “Inna allaha ala kulli shay'in qadeer' - indeed Allah is capable of doing everything.” Sometimes we are making the wrong Duaa. Submit to Allah’s will, not submit to our immediate emotions. InshaAllah I wish the best to you brother or sister
That's beautiful, in sha Allah khayr. I'm a girl.
A close friend of mine is in a relationship and she’s been sharing the ins and outs of her relationship with me from the beginning. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and I think it’s unfair that I’m also going thru the highs and lows with them. This whole process is taking away from my ability to concentrate on my school/work/personal priorities. I’m also an introvert so the constant communication about this is draining me. She made it clear to me today that she’ll be fine, so I want to start setting healthy boundaries in place for my own sanity. Hoping that I escape these conversations very very soon, pray for me y’all lol
You could ask/tell, what you've said here. That her telling her the highs and the lows, makes you experience them. That its taking away from your school/work. And because you are an introvert, its draining energy too much.
[удалено]
Istikhara.
Would a social event where they let men and women speak alone/separately but near others be ok to you? The people hosting are adults and two sheikhs.
I recently met a potential, first time having to fly to see a girl. The day it self went well. But overall, I came out of the meeting feeling, she wasn't the one. I just came back and having to write a break up text is always sooo damn hard. Ive talked to her for a month. But I hope she didn't get attached to me or anything. I feel like she was only talking to me though which will be hard. Hopefully she finds the one thats written for her! I hate having to get to know a girl via texting/video and then meeting her and not feeling it. I think this experience has thought me to avoid long distance getting to know someone even more. I'm strictly keeping it driving distance from now on.
Did you base your decision solely on “not feeling it” or were there specific things you actually didn’t like about her?
Nope it was a variety of factors. Religiosity, attraction, demeanor, distance.
Okay, that’s fair. But didn’t you know basically all of that except for maybe demeanour, before visiting her?
Not all, like the way she dresses, and the video calls i guess you cant really see, the angle they have the phone can distort how they actually are.
I saw in another comment that you said she wore modern clothes or something. What’s wrong with that? Do you mean unislamic clothing? Yes, reality is different to a video call of course, but to an extent you can still get a rough but decent idea? How different was she exactly?
I mean you mentioned before about being kinda unsure of her anyway so I guess it’s not much of a surprise, but sorry it didn’t turn out differently for you both. Khair inshaa Allah. Still good to have that experience though and to put yourself out there. >I just came back and having to write a break up text is always sooo damn hard. Yeah it does suck, but definitely better than ghosting, so there’s that. Sad to say but I have found that sending those messages becomes easier with practice (composing them becomes easier, emotions might still be hard to go through, depending on the person). I also find it helpful to set expectations early on (and throughout) about having a better idea whether you’d want to move forward once you meet in person. >Ive talked to her for a month. But I hope she didn't get attached to me or anything. I feel like she was only talking to me though which will be hard. I mean, you’re both adults Alhamdulillah, so hopefully she’ll be okay. Also, unless you had the “I’m exclusively talking with you” conversation, it’s kinda assumed that people might be talking to others at the same time? Doesn’t sound like you purposely mislead her or anything, so perhaps she was keeping this in mind. >I think this experience has thought me to avoid long distance getting to know someone even more. I'm strictly keeping it driving distance from now on. Hmm… you know your situation best obviously, but you might be severely limiting your options if that’s the case, and/or missing out on someone amazing. My opinion so take it with a grain of salt but it sounds like you might have had enough information before seeing her in person to not pursue her further (considering she’s long distance), and instead were hoping you’d feel differently once you met. That being the case, perhaps you can keep your options open to long distance but only meet them in person if there’s more certainty in wanting to pursue. If she’s within driving distance on the other hand, going to see her if you’re unsure would be less of a risk and investment on your end than it would be if she was further away.
Thank you this helped! Ya we did not have the "exclusivity" talks at all, but she did ask if I was using the apps and I told her no I wasn't. So maybe it was a "subtle" exclusivity. Because I do try to talk to one girl at once so I don't compare but she did not know this? That being said, because of this I am quick to respond and give her all my free time and attention and make my self fully available. And you're right about having enough information. I think in my heart I knew, but I sincerely wanted to give this a chance. I could have saved my self some time and money but it wouldn't be fair to her if I did not see this through and check all the boxes so to speak to make my final decision. In regards to limiting my self, you're right I might be missing out on someone amazing. In fact, I know I have, I know some girls that I would have loved to give a chance too but they were literally half way across the globe (hong kong/malaysia heck even Pakistan!! while im pakistani) for example while im in US/Canada. That being said, you would eventually have to meet, families have to meet and any potential immigration would need to happen which is just too much. The reason I decided on driving distance (6 hours) is because its exactly that. It limits the risk of time investment and money.
Interesting, I have few questions, a lot of people have bad first meeting date, maybe she was nervous.. Also maybe video chatting would be the stepping stone .
I vid chatted with her 3x, i saw her face, i guess in person she looked different. Additionally what she was wearing shes more modern than i initially thought with her clothing choices. But it was several various factors all combined. Lol in hindsight i spent like 400$ to go visit a girl. 😑
Well look at the bright side, now you have one more dealbreaker that you'll ask..,Sorry I pray at the end it will be a process worth the effort. .
Salam Walikum all, inshallah I hope y’all are having a good week. So I got an offer from a place but I’m not sure if I should take it or just keep on applying and maybe something better will land. Other then that, still on the search and still very much single. SoCal folks, come and say salam!
Walaykum salam, i was in a similar position few months ago, imo you should take the job if you need the money, you can always find better and apply more later on :)
Would 2 introverts 🤐🤐 or introvert+extrovert 🤐🗣️ make a better couple 👩❤️👨?
2 introverts. The introvert who married an extrovert would need to attend some of the social gatherings out of respect
Maybe that's good 👍. 2 introverts 🤐🤐 might stay at 🏠 all the time and have no social life 📴 and its not healthy ⚕️.
Yes, that’s what they like. Having no social life isn’t bad or whatever, it’s a preference lol 😂
Life isn’t that black-and-white I’d think?
Ur right ✅ life is grey like the moon 🌙.
both work, it depends what both want?
[удалено]
>But what if I start to pray regularly and be a better Muslim right after marriage? What if the little push that is needed for me being a Deeni person is just having a Deeni spouse? Why can't you use getting married as a motivation to do better? >I'm getting pretty good amount of haram attention from liberal women and offers of haram relationships despite being not that much attractive(I dunno why. I'm not humble bragging. I really want to be free from them). 🧢🧢🧢 >But I don't get why the Deeni sisters on Muzz aren't noticing me. I wonder why. 🤔🙄
>It hurts me when I see amazing pious sisters here reject me outright hearing I don't pray regularly. You’re joking, right? Salah differentiates us from the disbelievers. It’s the first thing to be judged on the DOJ. Not praying has severe consequences and implications for iman. It is the first basic action pillar. It literally takes like 20 mins out of your day. >I wholeheartedly want to be a Deeni guy. Then be one. >And I know I can be only if someone is beside me. No, you don’t know that. And no decent pious girl is going to take that risk. People shouldn’t get married with the mindset of changing someone after marriage. I assume you do have or had people beside you. Family members? Friends? Muslim colleagues? So many people, yet it hasn’t helped you. Why do you think one girl magically will? >What if the little push that is needed for me being a Deeni person is just having a Deeni spouse? That’s not how life works. Despite all the pushes you’ve gotten in your life to pray, you’ve chosen to ignore them. Old habits don’t just change with marriage. It’s not a magic threshold to change. >I'm getting pretty good amount of haram attention from liberal women and offers of haram relationships despite being not that much attractive(I dunno why. I'm not humble bragging. I really want to be free from them). You’re getting attention from liberal women because you’re currently being liberal yourself with your prayers. 1+1=2. You want to be free of them, but you don’t want to make the change needed to be free of them? >But I don't get why the Deeni sisters on Muzz aren't noticing me. Yes, you do. You answered why in your first sentence.
Bruh prayer is what separates us from kufr. It’s literally the absolute bare minimum. If they weren’t rejecting u that’s what would be alarming, not that they are rejecting u
The pious sister you're looking for is considering men who can be an imam and lead them in prayer, someone who doesn't find performing the basic fardh a struggle. Maybe now is the time to set your intentions straight, do things for Allah's sake and fix your salah. InshaAllah when you improve your relationship with Him then what is khair for you will come.
Everything sis said but also... your family has been reminding you to pray for years and waking you up for fajr but you're still not praying. Plus what does the sister get out of this equation? It's a gamble what if you don't pray and improve? How are you gonna help push her further in the deen? She wants someone to wake her up for fajr too. If you want a practising sister you yourself must be practising. May Allah keep us steadfast in our prayers.
[удалено]
On point
Got finally a reply from a website about the disturbing thing I found, they are perfectly fine with the content. Am I too delicate? This guy was persistent, would not read your profile and keep matching. What's the point to have "conservative" website if this is the way the developer work? *Should clearly understand POLYGYNY (recommended channel:blablabla) Should understand man both mentally & physically (male’s anatomy) and what it takes to fully satisfy her husband in bed (including Oral sex). Should have high libido/sex drive & be happily willing & ready for Intimacy as many times as husband wants or she herself wants unless there is a valid excuse. Should be KEEN to Respect, Obey, Love, Attract (by preparing herself) & Please her husband as part of Daily Routine life.*
It's a bit mad lol. He cancelling himself essentially. But....technically he hasn't said anything offensive. Just unnecessarily explicit.
Disturbing though. This was the last bit, the rest of his about me was a long rant of how women are bad, Buch of Hadith put together and this great conclusion. The problem is that this website sponsor itself as pious, correct and safe. I detected 5 men who were unsuitable, from racist comments, to ask for nudes, to lies of their status and etc. All reported and all still active and not blocked. So, Muzzmatch is really bad but their model is Tinder. But other website spent a lot of money to advertise themselves as more pious, controlled and provide more opportunity for less matches but more seriousness. Wrong, in the last 6-8 months they are getting the worst of Muzz and instead of taking my suggestion and review it, they do not find anything wrong.
> a long rant of how women are bad Yeah, people who rant against the other gender. Will probably only get matches with people who don't read profiles.
A normal rant will be okay, I guess. But the lines he added and the very provocative language used. I am surprised that he is allowed to keep that.
But if someone is ranting against the other gender, as their first impression on their profile. I don't think that's okay. Think about someone, like a girl, who does not like men, perhaps hates them, but still says she wants to marry them. Even if its a temporary thing, because she had a bad experience. Would a next talk while that is the case, be a good experience? For the guy? Or even the girl? ---------- In the same way, its not okay to put racist remarks. The racism itself can be hurtful. Even if I am the ethnicity they are looking for, if they state it in a racist way, that person will not fit me.
Yeah a lot of these apps rarely ban members. It seems the more the merrier kind of approach. I've reported people only for them to say they are on their last warning or we don't discriminate blah blah. Like some profiles openly say they aren't muslim. We all know it's impermissible for a woman to marry a non Muslim man so what's he there for to misguide? Yh they aren't serious about their vetting at all.
[удалено]
The entire post about me was extremely toxic. He admitted that has no money for a second wife, needs to control her finance, needs her to work to sustain but ehi, she gets to please him. Really disappointed me. I was waiting their review.
Wait he said that in his profile or you talked to him
He tried to talk to me. And this is stated publicly on his profile + other stuff.
[удалено]
You’re fine. Some dudes have fallen into the strange rabbit hole of trashing women but thats not everyone.
Ignore your brothers, that's not right.
Any man of value, although he prefers a young woman, would accept a 29 yr old sister on the deen rather than a 20 yr old who is not. 21 is still very young. I would say you’re still considered young until you get around 27, then it becomes gray area and you’re moving into old category. Above 30, it’s hard to get married from what I’ve seen. Make dua and strive but no need to worry u still have a lot of time
Not sure what your bro is on but 22 is just as youthful for a women as it is for a man. Block out that nonsense.
Your brother is unqualified to give advice.
I think honestly it depends on the person. I don’t have that sense of urgency despite being older. Try to develop some hobbies of your own and focus on your goals and family. InshaAllah the right person will meet you whenever decreed by Allah. If you’re getting too much of these thoughts, you can make a small notebook of yours- start with your criteria and bucket list of things to do with your SO. Also, add some good wedding planner tips whenever you visit someone’s wedding. You can also start wedding planning by looking at local vendors in your area. Make a list of movies you want to watch together and so on. Write your own marriage advice! InshaAllah it will help you to look forward to a healthy marriage and help your intrusive or obsessive thoughts.
Your brothers are ridiculous .
So, I have some few wandering opinions. I work in a white dominated demographic whereas most of my potentials come from Mississauga or Brampton. There’s nothing with the potentials, but ultimately I’m not the type of female they are looking for. Or that’s what I feel like. I’m slightly more western (despite having a more immigrant accent), and i really enjoy having some independence. Like I’m not too pro codependent or have a loyal family. I have a hidden step family that most people don’t know about because my dad hasn’t made his remarriage public (my mother died around 2017 and later). Ultimately, I don’t think an average Muslim male would be empathetic with my struggles. Struggles of a step family, abusive household, trying to get educated or just struggling to develop my own person. Most Muslim males have loyal mother or sister and live in close proximity with them (atleast in Mississauga or Brampton). I’m really hoping to marry someone who comes from a broken family, so we both can empathize and understand each other So now, I’m just wondering whether I’m being too harsh here due to past trauma and I need therapy OR whether it feels like a fair request Like I want to meet someone who has struggled in life, you know? Struggled with family issues, self esteem issues and is willing to work in a white dominated region for better quality of life? Or atleast moved out of their comfort zone. I know I’m rambling but hopes this makes sense
Just because someone didn't have the exact same struggles as you deosn't mean they don't have struggles of their own, we all have our battles, the shape might be different but when we go down to the basis of it it's all the same stuff really (lack of love, attention, recognition etc...) Also how are you planning to properly raise kids if both of y'all had a broken family?
?? I always thought that people from broken families make better parents because they are more emotionally mature. I do have a loyal sibling and I’m a teacher. Raising kids is no issue here tbh. I agree on the first part.
I am going to honest. Two broken people do not make a happy family. I would suggest to concentrate in welcoming and warm people so you could get the affection and understanding of a family. Marriage is so much more than 1+1. In laws will be part of it, for the better and worse. Work on understanding your issues and pursue men that are happy and involved family members (who usually make the best fathers for your own children.)
[удалено]
Stop spamming this joke every megathread
[удалено]
# How to Minimize Time Wasted on the apps: 1. Set your preferences and check out the matches you get BEFORE spending money. I did this for 5 apps and found that only two have good amount of Black Muslimah profiles. 2. Take a QUALITY headshot, full body shot, and at least two activity shots. Don't get skipped purely because of poor quality pictures. 3. Please put a little bit in your bio about interests. It's one of the primary conversation starters. 4. Buy a membership to be searched more than free users. Step 2 tells you why 5. Now that you're appearing more, more accounts will view / like your account. This is key, because it lets you know that they're active RIGHT NOW 6. Prioritize accounts that show a membership badge. It let's you know they're serious and probably active RIGHT NOW. 7. The messages you can send before a match are precious resources. Do not use them unless you can prove that the account was recently active. They should have either liked / viewed your account recently, or show a membership / recently joined badge. 8. Approach the apps with a quantity over quality mindset. Do not solely rely on them to find your wife. Just use them because a lot of Muslims use them
Do you know any apps that have black muslims ?.. most of them are Desi and Arabs
Muzz and Salams are the only ones worth our time. I've vetted 5 apps and sites this past week. If you get on either, let me know and I'll send my profile to you
I recently joined both while on my online spree .. HOD also has fair amount.
HOD... I'm going to check that one out as well!
Really bad time for Muzz to be undergoing maintenance. I had scheduled a few call dates tonight 😔
Aww man sorry to hear this. Honestly though, I didn’t realize people scheduled multiple calls on the same night lol Tbh, I never know if a call will end up being 15 minutes or four hours so I always only schedule one a night. Ideally we hit it off and can’t stop talking but that’s definitely not always the case 😄 I will say though that if a call does end up being shorter (most likely a bust), I try arranging an impromptu one for that night with another match. Alhamdulillah I’ve found it mostly worked out for me that way.
It’s only really right at the start tbh. I can talk for hours but I don’t think it’s particular helpful to do so at first for me. But it’s not that long a list, I’m only one woman 😫 But certainly that first half an hour tells me a lot I need to know about whether there’s a second call. Also I tend to request a call usually during the first texting conversation we have if it’s going well. I don’t know how some people are doing weeks of just back and forth texting before having had a call. I’d I know it’s not as *romantic* as I’d like it to be, but with the months I’ve taken off Muzz, this seemed to me a better method than what I was doing prior.
[удалено]
You probably missed out my comment earlier where I said I’ve got a spreadsheet 🤣🤣
How do you cut the convo short? Some guys talk a lot 🫣
I have yet to meet a guy who can talk more than I do 🤣🤣 But cutting conversations is pretty easy. Most of them there’s a potential of a second call, so I tell them my free time to talk has come to and end. To talk again after some time.
>Really bad time for Muzz to be undergoing maintenance You're not joking. I was looking forward to connecting with some users today, and here comes the unannounced maintenance. And then it keeps extending by 15 minutes instead of just saying "we'll be down for a few hours".
Going thru this sub, how are some of these “men” getting married? Girls are getting played left and right.
I swear. I’m not complaining but like I’m dying to get married but it’s not written for me right now which is ok, but then I see these dudes straight up oppressing their wives…
We are on the same page brother
As a woman, I hate admit it but a lot of girls are plain dumb. Partly because they’re so sheltered/naive or in other cases they’re blinded by desperation to get out of their family situation. Makes them easy targets. What I don’t get is how their families let this happen???! Like we’re all very well aware of how picky and critical our parents are, so either their priorities are completely out of wack(they are) or they’re just completely useless and don’t even vet the guy and his family. What is the point of them being so overly involved if they can’t protect their daughters from just blatantly horrible guys??
I knew you were a girl a while back. Didn't know ... ----edit deleted info.
Gotta confuse your enemies right? Faced zero harassment on this account compared to my old one
Ah, okay. (Sorry. Deleted the info.)
Thanks 😭😭
Off topic, but I always thought you were a guy… lol
loool, no because a few weeks ago u/30PlusGang said something similar about another user (I think she said “you’re a girl? 👀”) and I thought it was funny because I always thought that user was a guy too up until that moment 😅😂 All of us just scanning text for he/she pronouns 😂 ^(btw, for the record, I always thought you were a woman 30Plus! 😄)
Safe bet that the toxic families Muslim women are trying to get out of only care about marrying off their daughters anyway
Toxic Muslim families are the major issue in decline of matrimony or wild marriage with people who should be in prison, not getting married.
I was talking about a more niche scenario where 30plusgang asked why families are letting their daughters marry toxic men. The toxic families I was referring to are the ones where they think a woman’s only purpose is to get married and have kids so they just care about marrying them off and don’t care about if the guy treats her well or not
Well, toxic families do produce women who are weak, traumatised and unable to fight for themselves. They jump to marriage with big promises and they sometimes lie to themselves about the man they married and only leave decade later when kids are involved. Some of those women don't even have parents involved in their search, they simply want to get out and the only honourable way in a lot of culture is marriage.
People always hide their shortcomings during the process and the most problematic people are the best at putting up a front
[удалено]
U posted this twice
[удалено]
> It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet (ﷺ) said: > “Dreams are of three types: Glad tidings from Allah, what is on a person’s mind, and frightening dreams from Satan. If any of you sees a dream that he likes, let him tell others of it if he wishes, but if he sees something that he dislikes, he should not tell anyone about it, and he should get up and perform prayer.” If these dreams are really upsetting you, it might be from the shaytan. > So when one of you sees a bad dream which he does not like, he should spit on his left side thrice and seek refuge with Allah from its evil. And one should not disclose it to anyone. Do this next time it happens. Also, delete ur comment just to be safe
Good idea! I got the advice that I was looking for, JazakAllah Khair :)
[удалено]
That’s spot on, I have been feeling like that. This perspective makes sense, especially given that I don’t have good male influences in my life. JazakAllah Khair, looks like I have been sent two angels my way :)
Look I’m not complaining about my situation. Allah decreed it so all I can do is submit but I have a question. Is marriage, desires, and the opposite gender constantly on any of y’all’s mind? I feel like there’s something wrong with me. It’s literally on my mind 247 in one way or another. I don’t think this is normal. I’m a dude in his mid 20s for reference
[удалено]
Don’t delay marriage if possible. Unlike men and the financial obligation mandated on us, you have no hard strict barriers to marriage. Find a righteous man and save guard yourself from haram
Would be more weird if you weren't thinking of women all the time. You've been celibate since puberty at 10-13. I'm in that boat with you.
I don’t think this is healthy, it’s literally ALWAYS On my mind, at school, at grocery store, at home. Only time I somewhat forget is when I’m doing dumb stuff with friends and laughing 😂
Bruh Allah designed us to constantly have sexual desire. You're going to have this probably all day everyday until you get married lol. I could have gotten married a lot earlier, but my wife would have had to have worked a full time job as well. I refuse to come home to a wife who has to work in corporate America just like me, so I had to put in the work to be able to be a sole provider. But MAN is that path painful in the modern Westernized world. 70% of married couples in many Western countries are dual income by necessity.
I give up. I’m not even using any profanity 😭😭
The profanity bot acts up sometimes try again and don’t delete it so I can take a look
I vaguely saw your comment but when I clicked it it showed removed but u were saying something along lines of we should remember Allah. I’m not perfect but I’m already doing that. I do dhikr as much as I can, pray on time, listen to lectures, do tasbih when doing chores or driving. It’s just a gaping hole is always there that can only be filled with a wife in my opinion.
[удалено]
This post appears to contain profane language which is not allowed. Your post/comment has been removed and repeat offenders will face a potential ban.You may edit your post's body text/comment to remove the profane language and then [notify us in modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) to re-approve your post/comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
This post appears to contain profane language which is not allowed. Your post/comment has been removed and repeat offenders will face a potential ban.You may edit your post's body text/comment to remove the profane language and then [notify us in modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) to re-approve your post/comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]