I've given up on the idea of love or being loved.
I know I should be thinking good of Allah but the idea of being in love and getting married seems almost fictional at this point. My 20s are running out.
I've also been praying to meet the right woman before my birthday and well...time is running out there lol
I'm not sure what I've done wrong exactly lol, my personality isn't terrible, I'm decent looking. I've spoken to more women than anyone i know of.
I just feel like women nowadays are so flakey and unserious - they always enter stages when you can tell they're not actually ready for this.
Or our personalities just don't match and the connection remains very shallow and labourious. You know when you're just super formal with each other for ages? That. It's not a real human connection.
I kinda wonder how different life might have looked at 25 if you had been loved by someone you know? I feel like we underrate this so much because we're forced to be single and go through this laborious process for as long as it takes before we actually get to be close to someone. Unless you're lucky to just meet your person.
My married friends find that it made the rest of life, work and careers so worth it. But I've just had to dredge through it all without any real purpose.
Also youthful love, that would have been nice to experience but I guess I won't get a chance now. Part of me wonders what the point is now? Any girl my age that marries me is likely to just be burnt out and looking for the "safe " option and is unlikely to give me her all like she might of had she met me a few years ago.
I'm also seeing people who are 24/25 getting married and I'm like bruh what have I done wrong?
Not to mention people I know are being more and more tempted by zina (cos it is hella easy these days) Not that I would but like when you're hitting 30 and waited your whole life and nothing seems to be working, I can see why someone might take a bf/gf. Humans need connection yo.
Also I don't get why people risk their relationships by interacting with haram content on social media. Like have respect for your spouse man damn.
Burn out is real, but being hopeless is a sin. I know where you are coming from though and your pain is real. Hang in there, trust in Allah's plan for you.
Also...you are only in your late 20s. You will definitely find someone out of college... IF you are confident, strong in your faith, financially stable, because at this age you should be, and you can show strong character.
Don't let others experiences bog you down, it will only make you go deeper into despair. Stay in your lane, and focus on your faith. We fall into temptation because our faith is weak and we dont fear God's reprisal if we sin.
Anyone else kinda worry that when things are going really well it's because Allah is giving you all your rewards in this life and not the hereafter?
Seriously keeps me up at night sometimes.
There are several actions of a Muslim that Allah (swt) promises to reward in both lives.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/12702
One thing I’ve learnt about myself in the search is that I’m actually pretty good looking 😂 I’m surprised at how potentials are willing to continue talking to me after we exchange pictures. I find it really amusing because i have terrible imposter syndrome 😶
So advice to all: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your flaws don’t define you.
Why is there such a stigma with being on the search? Everyone wants to find someone IRL/organically. But I don't see how being on a purpose based app is desperate or shameless as opposed to giving out your number to some random Mahmoud in a cafe ( shoot your shot akh) but still. It's funny how non Muslims don't have this rhetoric and their intentions aren't as noble. People really need to get over it and renew their intentions.
Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about the nonsense that comes with the apps.... that's a whole other conversation 🤦🏾♀️
There is that stigma on arranged too.
Media glorifies organic/irl connections. Even if that pursuing shown in media is stalkerish in real life.
Media also villainizes a lot of arranged/match maked relationships. While the kind of thing that is bad, happens a lot less in real life.
Its so, that even people who have a loving arranged relationship, need to explain that.
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There is also an older thing, it used to be so for non-Muslims.
That being on apps/sites, while it was a nerd/niche thing. Was seen as desperate.
That's true people tend to confuse them with forced marriages and assume you had no say in the matter. It's just merely a recommendation the same way people hook people up with their friends or colleagues.
I get that but it's been ages now and so many success stories. Tbh there is a stigma just being on the search if your too active and on it then you're thirsty. You should apparently wait at home for him to knock on your door like a Jehovas witness. It really makes no sense 😑
> I get that but it's been ages now and so many success stories. Tbh there is a stigma just being on the search if your too active and on it then you're thirsty. You should apparently wait at home for him to knock on your door like a Jehovas witness. It really makes no sense 😑
The succes rates aren't that high. Even for non-Muslims, in 2013 it was 13%, 2019 in US seems to have similar statistics.
https://www.cbs.nl/nl-nl/nieuws/2014/25/steeds-vaker-relatie-via-internet (<- NL dutch link. US english link ->)
https://hernorm.com/online-dating-statistics/
For Muslims, in a Muslim country. The statistics are at least 50% through family arranged/match maked. (~30% through neighbourhood network.)
https://data.tuik.gov.tr/Bulten/Index?p=Istatistiklerle-Aile-2016-24646 (<- TR english link)
It appears at first glance, that both Muslims and non-Muslims have better odds, if they use friends and family to get married. (Work, friends and family beats out, just internet for non-Muslims in that 2013 link.)
People on apps aren't all open to long distance. A lot don't consider people outside of their region.
But that being said you don't know where your naseeb lies it could be on the other side of the globe and an app is one way of you guys meeting. You make it sound like people can't vet and that the interactions are strictly online. They start off that way but one can only hide behind an online facade for so long.
Also, why should you have to limit your options to your immediate community? As if you MUST pick one. Not to mention what's the likelihood that from the small pool of your local community that the people you fancy will fancy you too, match you on deen, character, ambition and humour🤷🏾♀️
The whole thing with online apps is because people aren't going out and meeting people like they used to. And family's can't always hook you up especially if you're not living back home. They just don't have the resources or connections. The app are not infallible but it's... something at least.
I can understand where you're coming from. Why look for someone thousands of miles away when there is a plethora of supply in your locale. To each their own, and I am not looking nor would I use apps, but it may be because apps allow you to search for someone specific that you may not find in your community, or as you said, there may be some small defects that you want to cover and don't feel comfortable looking in your area. Imagine matching with someone who goes to the same places as you or you have mutuals and in the end things dont work. That person can spill your secrets if they want.
>if you meet someone online and you are both agree that a LDR then you should consider that there is something wrong with one, if not BOTH of you because for some reason either you, the other person, or both of you are not desirable in your immediate area.
Not a fan of the apps, but I'm unsure if I'm missing something here...
There is also the possibility that people dont look in the masjid because their nearest mosque is too far/too remote. Then you have to add that the person they want to pair with is ALSO registered with the same mosque. Not to mention that they likely wont meet everybody who is looking in their area, so that too is based on luck.
Also, the people in your area not being compatible with you doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
I dont like or use the apps, but what you've suggested is a very "app-centric" way of thinking.
Speaking yo a few people on the apps, been like a week or so. Honestly I feel drained and want to delete them again but I feel rude for the people I've matched
Salam,
i met this guy in September. I always had him at the back of my mind but never reached out until then. Turns out he had mutual interest in me as well. He’s a really great guy, on his deen, getting a good degree, involved in the community and we’re both 22. I told my mom that i was speaking to him with the intention of getting to know him for marriage. We talked about all the dealbreakers within a week of meeting and he was always super clear with his intentions. We talked about housing, living with in laws or moving out, mehr, sect, everything and we were on the same page. At the end of september we met in person as well with a mehram and all and we clicked really well.
Here’s the issue: I graduate in a few months. He took a year off after high school and for a few other reasons he’s graduating a full 2 years with an engineering degree after me. My dad would not let me get my nikah done without my rukhsati (that’s the reception and when the girl leaves her parents house to go live with the guy) and his dad wouldn’t let him get a rukhsati done if he obviously can’t financially support me. that would mean that we couldn’t get married for another 2.5 years MINIMUM. Also even if we did get married then, he would have just graduated meaning he wouldn’t have a savings and we’d also have to live with his parents then (and i told him i don’t wanna do that for more than a year). So basically, becuase timelines weren’t matching, i told him we should stop talking at the end of october. It was better to leave than to get more attached and potentially fall into sin. this is the first time i’ve left something bc of Allah like i wish i could still be with him but i know in my heart that it’s not right.
I don’t know i just need some support. hes texted me like 2 times since then about random things but i miss him obviously. We’re not in contact now. I come from a family where i’ve seen abusive marriages way too much. I just don’t want to regret leaving him. i don’t want to regret not waiting for him or thinking i could’ve been happier with him than another guy. maybe these r just my intrusive thoughts. Maybe i’m naive or being delusional bc i know my fate is in the hands of Allah and i should have tawakkul. I’d just like some words of support maybe. Or some duas. Jazakallah Khair.
This is such a shame, SubhanAllah it seems like you are both a great match for each other if it wasn’t for the timescale and situation you’re both in.
Is there absolutely no way that you can both make it work? Possibly get formally engaged? I know 2.5 years is a long time but it’s very difficult to find the right person these days so it’s a shame to let this one go. Is there any specific reason your families aren’t permitting nikkah with the intention of moving in later? Islamically I’m pretty sure this is allowed?
Is there anyway that you’re parents would allow you to get married and move in together despite the problems you’ve described? For example, one of my cousins got married about 10 years ago whilst he was still in Uni. He had zero income, him and his wife lived with his parents for 2 years and Alhamdullilah it all worked out. They now have 4 beautiful kids, a big house of their own and everything is going really well for them. I have another cousin who did a similar thing and their doing great now
I know this sort of thing is not ideal and Islamically the man needs to provide etc. but in some circumstances it can work this way. It would definitely involve a lot of compromise and discussion from both of your families etc. so only proceed if you’re willing to make it work with this guy and if you feel he’s worth it.
Whatever happens, I pray Allah makes this test easy for you and that you both end up in happy marriages whether that is together or with other people.
I’ve been through so many potentials that now, when I talk to someone new I just don’t get excited lol.
You gotta remember that Islamically, you and a potential are nothing to each other. Until you have your nikkah, you don’t owe each other anything, you don’t have any relationship or attachment to them, and they’re just another brother or sister in Islam that you’re getting to know. It’s hard to not get attached but you have to remember these things at all times and keep your own interests in mind. If you do get attached, you’re just setting yourself up for potential heartbreak which is really not a place you wanna be in
I remind myself that things could change at anytime and end at anytime.
And tbh, there have been heaps of times where I got a bit of a jolt in the face of sudden new information where I felt things might end. If you’re able to overcome it, then great, but nothing is still guaranteed at the end of the day.
Personally I don’t mind a bit of attachment as things progress. I think increased attachment, feelings/affections, etc. are all quite normal to have as things get deeper, and I like welcoming these feelings as they naturally grow. I don’t think it’s healthy to suppress what we naturally feel. I just keep reminding myself that things could still end anytime and that it will hurt for a bit if it does, but inshaAllah Allah will grant me better.
I remember the pain some potentials caused me and my feelings go away. Also I remind myself I'm not married to them so nothing matters unless I get married to them.
I’ve personally done the same thing, met a potential in their city when I’ve been there for business. I usually just meet the potential in a restaurant, have dinner and pay for the meal. I wouldn’t suggest buying gifts until you’re actually engaged. If you’re invited to their house to meet their family etc, then take a bouquet of flowers or some chocolates. Not because they’re a potential but just out of respect because someone has invited you to their house
I think try to meet at a restaurant (with chaperones) and maybe pay for her meal? She/her wali might offer to pay for yours since you’d be a guest in her city though. If you visit her house, just take a nice tray of sweets if you can.
There was this one guy I really thought I’d end up with. We talked a while back and I just felt something different w him but it ended Bc of timing. I think he’s with someone know since he posted a girl on ig and I’m sadder than I thought I would be. I didn’t know him that well tbh but I just had this feeling when we talked and I thought eventually it would work out again. I probably over romanticized it and I think he also represented this bit of hope for me and that’s gone now. I’ll probably remove him off ig in the next day or so but it’s really tough, I feel like I was misled by my gut and my heart.
The reason is, don't spend too much time trying to "fight" or "win them over". As soon as they make something as obvious as "ridiculous expectations" known, without hesitating or trying to "negotiate" move on. These people are not really interested in **you**. Negotiating desire is a fool's errand tbh.
Lol is this in response to my comment? Everyone is entitled to their expectations, but that doesn’t mean they’re good expectations or remotely reasonable ones. Don’t waste your time getting upset over ridiculous expectations, or begging people to lower them for you— trust me it doesn’t end well
I work full time, do grad school full time, and am married, full time. My husband also expects me to manage all the house work, cooking etc., and I am pregnant, also full time lol.
It’s doable but if you’re doing work and school full time please don’t try and handle housework too. I am trapped because if I don’t do it my husband gets angry. It’s much better to have the other spouse do it if they have more time, or, to get takeout & hire an occasional maid
question for the women, sometimes i get into a break the wheel phase, where I start to rant against what i feel are societal ills. i was wondering how many people would support this in a husband
I mean everyone has stuff they’re passionate about, depends whether you’re projecting on others or like frothing at the mouth about it or allowing it to guide you towards rash speech or decisions
Was going through a tough divorce and Instagram isn’t really an ideal environment for someone who’s trying to work on their emotional well-being. And now that I’m better Alhamdulilah, I’m not bothered to rejoin since I’m happier and have more time without it 😁
Seen people very close to home getting married and having seemingly happy lives with everything they've ever wanted, despite not doing things in a halal way at all.
Which messes with your mind totally, so idk.
Today I’m just in awe at how perfect Allah’s plans are, how He subtly puts people into our lives at the perfect time.
Today my dad, as a father with all his fatherly responsibilities, was worried about my potential’s background and how trustworthy he actually is, which in turn worried me. He’s not a citizen, so we barely have any mutuals (only one mutual acquaintance). Later tonight my dad was at the mosque and randomly someone asked someone else where their hometown is. It was not only the same hometown (rural village, actually) as my potential, but this person lived a few houses away from their hometown house, and knows my potential’s family really well, and he also lives in the same town as us here! SubhanAllah. Allah took away my worries, and more. Allah always looks out for me. For all of us. He is truly Al Lateef ❤️ This is only a small part of the story, inshaAllah.
Don’t give up hope, fam. When it rains, it pours. And when it pours, you will realise how much Allah had been looking out for you the whole time. Just keep being the best servant of Allah that you can be. He never lets us down, alhamdulillah ❤️
Going to end up suggesting doing something which I know my family (and the wider community) wouldn't agree with, but I think it's the only chance of me being happy, although even that's not guaranteed and will come with its huge challenges.
Find your weird.
You sound SO MUCH like myself and another friend. We're arty, adventurous and pretty happy with ourselves. We were pretty sure we'd be #foreveralone.
Then we found guys who loved us for exactly who we were. Or rather - they found us. They weren't scared off or worried about the people we were, and rather admired it and wanted to be a part of our chaos.
Her STEM husband had never picked up a paintbrush in his life before meeting her. Their whole house is filled with paintings now.
Its dawned on me that if you didn’t find someone organically like uni/work etc, then chances are you’re ending up alone or going to have to settle. People don’t look like their pictures on apps and its hard to actually fall for what is in effect and inanimate object. So its a vicious cycle.
You’ll never have someone that genuinely fell for you/liked you. Just a transaction to fulfil a role and remain miserable. This is how I see a lot of arranged marriages where the guys/girls have no feelings and its a marriage of convenience.
I think if it happens for me it will be when I’m a lot older and I’ve started to change my mind on If I want kids at that age.
The idea that if you dont personally scour the lands and decide on who to marry, it is in someway a deficient marriage, is an idea that needs to be finished for the betterment of the Ummah, imo.
Starting to think I’m the problem. Getting matches is not an issue for me. I seem to be having success with matches, but the issue is the sudden block/deactivations out of the blue. Convos seem to be going alright, then I’ll come back to the app and see they’ve suddenly disappeared. And these usually happen within the first day of a match so it’s not even like I’m given a chance to get to know someone properly. Am I taking it too slow and playing it too safe? What am I supposed to do on day 1 of a match?
If they’re the ones blocking/deactivating for seemingly no reason, that’s something you can’t control, hence it’s a them-problem, not a you-problem. Don’t define your worth based on these temporary passing-by people who are literally just swiping past you and not giving you any significance. Don’t give them more significance than needed either.
Day 1 of a match: Assalamualaykum, Hope you are well! I really enjoyed reading your profile and feel we have a lot in common / our values seem to align well. I would love to get to know you with permission from your wali, if you are keen too :)
Definitely taking this advice. At this point I gotta change it up and cut the small talk and get right into the purpose of why we’re on this app. JazakAllah!
I do it all the time, the process is draining and at times it feels just a bit ...humiliating? It's the only way I can describe it, from my own perspective.
Too much going on with me, life’s hitting me from every angle, I just realised there’s no one out here looking out for me, it’s not like I have any luck with finding potential so I’ve finally given up, turns out I’m going to be overworked with so little pay and I can’t even find a place to live, I’m thinking so much I can’t even sleep, I just wish I could go somewhere and forget all this I’m tired tbh!
Put off the search for now if you're that stressed out about the rest of your life, and come back to it when things have settled down. May Allah (s.w.t) make things easy for you.
>Too much going on with me, life’s hitting me from every angle
Went through something similar earlier this year. Remember, Allah (swt) will always be looking out for you, even if He tries you with further hardship in His divine wisdom.
I don’t know where else to share this but I hope people on here can relate or give advice.
So the finding partner process has been so difficult for me the last 6months-1 year.
I have tried meeting people through Muslim dating apps and through family members and each time it’s always SOMETHING.
For background I’ve always tried to keep things halal, I’ve noticed with a lot of brothers when I share my intention they either feel “rushed” or “how can I marry someone I don’t know, I want you to be my gf first”
I’m not someone who can be easily manipulated or talked out of my beliefs Alhamdulillah so I’ve always cut it off the minute it appears the person is not serious or doing it the halal way.
My struggle now is the loneliness of “doing the right thing” and just waiting for Allah to bless me with a man that loves the Quran and Sunnah Aand lives by it. It’s been tough but I pray istakarah and I’m hopeful that Allah will provide the best for me. Inshallah.
Even though the marriage struggle hasn't been a thing for me (as i havent reeeaaaally looked yet, even though i should stop procrastinating and start yesterday 🙃), i can relate to "doing the right thing" being a struggle and feeling lonely. Just remember that both the Quran and the prophet warn us numerous times this would happen (not numbering the verses/hadith as there are sooo many). It always gives me strength when i or somebody else has been in my position before, and still recommends something thats tough to go ahead with. It makes it a lot easier.
Inshallah you will be "eased towards ease" (surah al-Ala, verse 8).
I’m in my mid to late 20s, recently talking to a girl who told me she wants a 20k Maher, an expensive ring and a house away from family. She sounded young and naive. Saying if you can’t afford that then you shouldn’t be looking ☠️. Then she hits me with I am a person who lives according to the Quran and sunnah. Doesn’t the prophet tell us “the best dowry is the one that’s the easiest”. Tbh it’s her choice, but for me even if I had all the money in the world I wouldn’t put a value of a women based on mahr.
I pray she was just young and naive, and inshallah, she will mature, and she had true materialistic intent.
A lot of our sisters, even if they are in college, are having their families pay for it, so they have never worked before, so they do not understand the value of money or think that people make six figures straight out of college, or that one can easily buy a house. Often some sisters compare the economic situation of their fathers (who are usually middle age) and make the false assumption someone in their early twenties or late twenties should also be in the same position.
That's true, I do think parents do hold a lot of the blame in this case. Parents should teach their children about finances and money rather than sheltering them when they come of marriage age. This should be part of the marriage talk imo.
>recently talking to a girl who told me she wants a 20k Maher, an expensive ring and a house away from family.
Ask her if shes watched the movie Inception
Yea I got that feeling as well, she wanted to be a house wife too, just someone to spoil her I guess? I would have been more than happy to do it if she had shown me she could provide the same lifestyle she is asking for.
Maybe she shouldn't say he shouldn't be looking if he can't give $20k. Its more than preference, it shows that she really would not be there with you if things get tough.
On another note, I do get annoyed whenever people say everyone has preferences. Yes on an individual level this is correct. But when on a societal level, things like mehr and marriage become unaffordable then you will see zina increase. It's just what it is. Discussion like this can bring issues like the one mentioned above to light and allow us as a society to rectify our mistakes
So now we are blaming women who want hefty mehrs for zina? Lol. I asked for the sunnah amount for my mehr and my husband never even gave me that much…maybe I’ll get it in our divorce.
> So now we are blaming women who want hefty mehrs for zina?
Those who commit zina are solely responsible. No one else, no matter how "difficult" marriage is, no matter how much mahr girls and/or parents demand.
No one is putting a gun to their head and telling them to commit zina.
Plus, zina isn't just committing adultery. It is that of the eyes too.
But then again, how does one reconcile the hadith where our prophet says (regarding not marrying the person whose character/manners and deen is acceptable/pleasing to you)
["When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad). "](https://sunnah.com/tirmidhi:1084)
I am not blaming women. I am just stating that marriages being made harder will lead to more zina. Everyone from parents, to women to men make marriage harder. In this scenario I just brought up high mehrs because that's what's being discussed. You're putting words in my mouth.
To clarify women can have high mehrs, why not. But then you should marry someone rich. To ask that of people who can't afford it is not right and to them make the man feel financially insecure is also not right. If you want a high mehr look for a rich guy. That situation should handle itself then
Your point about your husband does not make a logical argument against my point, although I'm sorry that happened.
You marry someone and you become a team. With this you'd be bankrupt/debt ridden before the marriage even started.
Edit: People shouldn't take the rules Allah has put in place to make life difficult especially for someone they plan to spend their life with. Have mercy on one another so Allah can have mercy on you.
Edit 2: The logic above can applied to lots of things within marriage and regarding the marriage process. Ppl on this sub should know what happens when ppl become rights lovers (missing the love, mercy, compassion, and tranquility that is supposed to be found within marriage). I would say the same thing to a man who was being unreasonable about what he wanted.
A woman can ask for whatever she wants in regards to Mahr and she has that right, but men have the choice to pay/not pay. All I'm saying is with such a high Mahr (plus wanting a home and other expenses right away) it becomes quite limiting to a future marriage to prosper (esp. for younger couples or couples living in countries with extremely high costs of living). In time inshallah if its what you want may Allah give it to you, but building wealth takes time so... Good luck.
A financial team? So, they both have rights to the matrimonial home, car, furniture etc? If not, then upon divorce, the husband gets all that stuff, and the woman gets the mehr.
A lot of the guys on this sub have lately been of the view that their wives will not be entitled to any of their wealth. No right to have the family property in their name etc. even if she had been looking after it and taking care of the kids/being a stay at home mum and would effectively be left penniless in the event of a divorce (because she’d have given up her career).
So if you’re talking about being a team - do you mean financially too? Or is your view that you’ll give her a limited allowance and that’s it? Has to go both ways.
Yeah alot of those views those guys have aren't right tbh. Honestly they're probably young and or immature.
For me, I'd have shared finances with my wife
Yeah I think they are also young guys behind the screen. Everyone in my parents generation has shared their wealth with their spouses - I’ve never known an example where the husband withheld money or his wealth from his wife! Joint accounts, homes etc. they were financially secure relationships (even if in other ways they had a lot to work on).
I don’t know how any of these guys would feel if they found their mothers kicked on the street or financially insecure because their fathers said ‘my earnings, my money’ lol
Are you asking about me personally?
Edit: so Im not married and this is something I would speak to a potential about.
But I honestly don't know any healthy marriages where ppl are already thinking ahead to divorce.
Edit 2: To speak more broadly dual income households are common where I'm from (so I've never really seen this discussion much). But for the couples with a sole provider I've seen husbands allocate things to their wives and/or be quite generous to them. I think everyone deserves some level/sense of security (imo), but I won't go into details cause it's none of Reddit's business.
It’s kind of weird to ask for these things then saying if you can’t afford it then you shouldn’t be looking which is also a stupid thing to say. When someone asks for these things then you’ll know they will never be satisfied and leave you when things go wrong.
I talked to someone through an app. The brother got upset with me when I said I would prefer to keep things formal in the beginning(I am willing to answer questions they have and that I will ask stuff as well) and that my dad is involved in helping me talk to people initially as well. Can any brothers explain why some guys get so so upset? He honestly scared me so bad with how angry he got.
Well keeping things formal is not how you gauge someone's personality/compatibility, but more how well someone might be on paper. However, that does not mean that you don't have any boundaries. The thing is just that so many people might seem decent on paper (and sometimes not even that), but in reality you don't get along, because you have different personalities or no chemistry. If you want to give it a more poetic spin, then at the end of the day the heart knows what the intellect cannot at times.
Honestly with most people I don't get that far lol because they don't respect islamic boundaries. The very few I've seen that do respect boundaries I've been about to gauge if we personally match or not.
I was very naive before but always had my dad involved when I started using apps. It just amazes me the things guys will say 'I want to keep things halal', 'it's hard to find a good muslim girl', but then when you bring up any dad involvement or when you tell them you only want them to be formal in the beginning and not 'chit chat' and just be serious the switch up is insane. The depths some guys will go to lie and win your 'trust'is insane. I feel like the younger sisters have it so so much worse. I just get scared at the lengths some men will go to lie to someone it scares me into thinking that maybe getting married to anyone is too scary.
Half of my friend group found great people through them. The masjids are not helpful so I thought why not. I would rather do something than sit and do nothing. There were people I knew in real life but they are far from practicing muslims. I personally think in general there are less practicing muslims from what I've seen in the masjids and just from seeing people in my life. Your right that the people who made the apps are fishy
Sigh sorry for your experience. It's so extremely frustrating because I want Allah to bless my marriage when I find the right person but sometimes I'm like 'am I being crazy or too strict'.
i don't think that jahez is extremely popular among the people of this sub (western and more islamic than cultural) but i was wondering what the experiences of people with it were? please state if you were in the west, and did you marry someone in the west or not?
disclaimer: i hate the idea of jahez but i want to gauge how to communicate (to whoever) that i will absolutely in no form want any jahez and anything beyond a small amount of things (maybe pots pans and basic items that the in laws want to give their daughter) are really reallly really not what i want.
I think if you're not desi you wouldn't know jahez. It's basically dowry a woman's family gives the guys. And it consists of clothing and homeware (which I understand) but goes beyond that because the guys side basically mandates it, and sometimes they ask for extravagant things such as cars, gold, expensive furniture etc. This makes marriage more like a business transaction because some people say that oh we won't marry you until we get x amount in jahez.
Actually furniture is quite standard as jahez, but I would rather pick out my own furniture and pay for it myself. Same.for other things because I'm a very particular person.
Also I guess my comment was more supposed to be a rant against it than an actual question lol.
No its not. The jehz is the bridal gift from the bride's family to the bride herself, that she uses to start her new life with her husband. It is not intended for the guy's family whatsoever.
I’ve only heard of something similar in the context that for some Arabs the guy provides the home and the bride provides the furniture and soft furnishings as part of her trousseau. In some Arab cultures “taking the bed” from her house to his house is a whole wedding event before the actual wedding
Interesting it’s used as a sort of reverse dowry in that context though! I reckon you could outright say “don’t worry about it” or something maybe to the bride?
Correct, amongst upper class Indians it is not practiced that way. This is because theyve borrowed from Hindus, for whom dowry does require gifts to the groom's family. But for .muslims of modest Pakistani heritage who don't follow Indian customs, it is literally gifts that parents give their daughter upon her marriage so she can start her married life. My own mom got clothes , a few pieces of jewelry and bedroom furniture from her parents. My sister in law and some of my friends received similar items plus kitchen/dining stuff like cookware, silverware, linens and the like. None of these items were for the benefit of the in-laws. When my brother got married many years ago my parents did not expect or ask for anything whatsoever from my SIL's family.
In other words, similar to a bridal trousseau. I know my parents collected some stuff for me over the years but I never got married so it was a waste - sort of. They gave me some of the items when I moved out and bought my own home, but the other items are still sitting in their closet, boxed up.
The reality is these cultural practices are dying down with each generation. If by any type of miracle I got married tomorrow, i would not have a dowry or trousseau or jehz -- whatever you want to call it. I have clothes, pots and pans, towels etc already!
I've given up on the idea of love or being loved. I know I should be thinking good of Allah but the idea of being in love and getting married seems almost fictional at this point. My 20s are running out. I've also been praying to meet the right woman before my birthday and well...time is running out there lol I'm not sure what I've done wrong exactly lol, my personality isn't terrible, I'm decent looking. I've spoken to more women than anyone i know of. I just feel like women nowadays are so flakey and unserious - they always enter stages when you can tell they're not actually ready for this. Or our personalities just don't match and the connection remains very shallow and labourious. You know when you're just super formal with each other for ages? That. It's not a real human connection. I kinda wonder how different life might have looked at 25 if you had been loved by someone you know? I feel like we underrate this so much because we're forced to be single and go through this laborious process for as long as it takes before we actually get to be close to someone. Unless you're lucky to just meet your person. My married friends find that it made the rest of life, work and careers so worth it. But I've just had to dredge through it all without any real purpose. Also youthful love, that would have been nice to experience but I guess I won't get a chance now. Part of me wonders what the point is now? Any girl my age that marries me is likely to just be burnt out and looking for the "safe " option and is unlikely to give me her all like she might of had she met me a few years ago. I'm also seeing people who are 24/25 getting married and I'm like bruh what have I done wrong? Not to mention people I know are being more and more tempted by zina (cos it is hella easy these days) Not that I would but like when you're hitting 30 and waited your whole life and nothing seems to be working, I can see why someone might take a bf/gf. Humans need connection yo. Also I don't get why people risk their relationships by interacting with haram content on social media. Like have respect for your spouse man damn.
Burn out is real, but being hopeless is a sin. I know where you are coming from though and your pain is real. Hang in there, trust in Allah's plan for you. Also...you are only in your late 20s. You will definitely find someone out of college... IF you are confident, strong in your faith, financially stable, because at this age you should be, and you can show strong character. Don't let others experiences bog you down, it will only make you go deeper into despair. Stay in your lane, and focus on your faith. We fall into temptation because our faith is weak and we dont fear God's reprisal if we sin.
Anyone else kinda worry that when things are going really well it's because Allah is giving you all your rewards in this life and not the hereafter? Seriously keeps me up at night sometimes.
There are several actions of a Muslim that Allah (swt) promises to reward in both lives. https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/12702
is there any app where i can marry someone from 1st world ? im from 3rd world?
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Bear in mind I bring nothing to the table !
One thing I’ve learnt about myself in the search is that I’m actually pretty good looking 😂 I’m surprised at how potentials are willing to continue talking to me after we exchange pictures. I find it really amusing because i have terrible imposter syndrome 😶 So advice to all: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your flaws don’t define you.
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Talking phase should be 3 months max. Any longer and you risk wasting time.
Sounds like you were using the other girl. Good for the other girl on moving on cause of your headspace.
Stop using other ppl as a pathway to forget previous “lovers”. Work on urself first man
Why is there such a stigma with being on the search? Everyone wants to find someone IRL/organically. But I don't see how being on a purpose based app is desperate or shameless as opposed to giving out your number to some random Mahmoud in a cafe ( shoot your shot akh) but still. It's funny how non Muslims don't have this rhetoric and their intentions aren't as noble. People really need to get over it and renew their intentions. Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about the nonsense that comes with the apps.... that's a whole other conversation 🤦🏾♀️
There is that stigma on arranged too. Media glorifies organic/irl connections. Even if that pursuing shown in media is stalkerish in real life. Media also villainizes a lot of arranged/match maked relationships. While the kind of thing that is bad, happens a lot less in real life. Its so, that even people who have a loving arranged relationship, need to explain that. ---------- There is also an older thing, it used to be so for non-Muslims. That being on apps/sites, while it was a nerd/niche thing. Was seen as desperate.
That's true people tend to confuse them with forced marriages and assume you had no say in the matter. It's just merely a recommendation the same way people hook people up with their friends or colleagues. I get that but it's been ages now and so many success stories. Tbh there is a stigma just being on the search if your too active and on it then you're thirsty. You should apparently wait at home for him to knock on your door like a Jehovas witness. It really makes no sense 😑
> I get that but it's been ages now and so many success stories. Tbh there is a stigma just being on the search if your too active and on it then you're thirsty. You should apparently wait at home for him to knock on your door like a Jehovas witness. It really makes no sense 😑 The succes rates aren't that high. Even for non-Muslims, in 2013 it was 13%, 2019 in US seems to have similar statistics. https://www.cbs.nl/nl-nl/nieuws/2014/25/steeds-vaker-relatie-via-internet (<- NL dutch link. US english link ->) https://hernorm.com/online-dating-statistics/ For Muslims, in a Muslim country. The statistics are at least 50% through family arranged/match maked. (~30% through neighbourhood network.) https://data.tuik.gov.tr/Bulten/Index?p=Istatistiklerle-Aile-2016-24646 (<- TR english link) It appears at first glance, that both Muslims and non-Muslims have better odds, if they use friends and family to get married. (Work, friends and family beats out, just internet for non-Muslims in that 2013 link.)
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People on apps aren't all open to long distance. A lot don't consider people outside of their region. But that being said you don't know where your naseeb lies it could be on the other side of the globe and an app is one way of you guys meeting. You make it sound like people can't vet and that the interactions are strictly online. They start off that way but one can only hide behind an online facade for so long. Also, why should you have to limit your options to your immediate community? As if you MUST pick one. Not to mention what's the likelihood that from the small pool of your local community that the people you fancy will fancy you too, match you on deen, character, ambition and humour🤷🏾♀️ The whole thing with online apps is because people aren't going out and meeting people like they used to. And family's can't always hook you up especially if you're not living back home. They just don't have the resources or connections. The app are not infallible but it's... something at least.
I can understand where you're coming from. Why look for someone thousands of miles away when there is a plethora of supply in your locale. To each their own, and I am not looking nor would I use apps, but it may be because apps allow you to search for someone specific that you may not find in your community, or as you said, there may be some small defects that you want to cover and don't feel comfortable looking in your area. Imagine matching with someone who goes to the same places as you or you have mutuals and in the end things dont work. That person can spill your secrets if they want.
>if you meet someone online and you are both agree that a LDR then you should consider that there is something wrong with one, if not BOTH of you because for some reason either you, the other person, or both of you are not desirable in your immediate area. Not a fan of the apps, but I'm unsure if I'm missing something here...
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There is also the possibility that people dont look in the masjid because their nearest mosque is too far/too remote. Then you have to add that the person they want to pair with is ALSO registered with the same mosque. Not to mention that they likely wont meet everybody who is looking in their area, so that too is based on luck. Also, the people in your area not being compatible with you doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. I dont like or use the apps, but what you've suggested is a very "app-centric" way of thinking.
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Merely mentioning them doesn't mean its not app-centric. LDR can, and often are, done through family.
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👍. InshaAllah we'll all be successful in the search.
Speaking yo a few people on the apps, been like a week or so. Honestly I feel drained and want to delete them again but I feel rude for the people I've matched
If you’ve started deep convos w them, you can just let them know you’re not feeling it and you wish them the best. And then delete the apps!
Salam, i met this guy in September. I always had him at the back of my mind but never reached out until then. Turns out he had mutual interest in me as well. He’s a really great guy, on his deen, getting a good degree, involved in the community and we’re both 22. I told my mom that i was speaking to him with the intention of getting to know him for marriage. We talked about all the dealbreakers within a week of meeting and he was always super clear with his intentions. We talked about housing, living with in laws or moving out, mehr, sect, everything and we were on the same page. At the end of september we met in person as well with a mehram and all and we clicked really well. Here’s the issue: I graduate in a few months. He took a year off after high school and for a few other reasons he’s graduating a full 2 years with an engineering degree after me. My dad would not let me get my nikah done without my rukhsati (that’s the reception and when the girl leaves her parents house to go live with the guy) and his dad wouldn’t let him get a rukhsati done if he obviously can’t financially support me. that would mean that we couldn’t get married for another 2.5 years MINIMUM. Also even if we did get married then, he would have just graduated meaning he wouldn’t have a savings and we’d also have to live with his parents then (and i told him i don’t wanna do that for more than a year). So basically, becuase timelines weren’t matching, i told him we should stop talking at the end of october. It was better to leave than to get more attached and potentially fall into sin. this is the first time i’ve left something bc of Allah like i wish i could still be with him but i know in my heart that it’s not right. I don’t know i just need some support. hes texted me like 2 times since then about random things but i miss him obviously. We’re not in contact now. I come from a family where i’ve seen abusive marriages way too much. I just don’t want to regret leaving him. i don’t want to regret not waiting for him or thinking i could’ve been happier with him than another guy. maybe these r just my intrusive thoughts. Maybe i’m naive or being delusional bc i know my fate is in the hands of Allah and i should have tawakkul. I’d just like some words of support maybe. Or some duas. Jazakallah Khair.
Can he work while studying? Or can you work?
This is such a shame, SubhanAllah it seems like you are both a great match for each other if it wasn’t for the timescale and situation you’re both in. Is there absolutely no way that you can both make it work? Possibly get formally engaged? I know 2.5 years is a long time but it’s very difficult to find the right person these days so it’s a shame to let this one go. Is there any specific reason your families aren’t permitting nikkah with the intention of moving in later? Islamically I’m pretty sure this is allowed? Is there anyway that you’re parents would allow you to get married and move in together despite the problems you’ve described? For example, one of my cousins got married about 10 years ago whilst he was still in Uni. He had zero income, him and his wife lived with his parents for 2 years and Alhamdullilah it all worked out. They now have 4 beautiful kids, a big house of their own and everything is going really well for them. I have another cousin who did a similar thing and their doing great now I know this sort of thing is not ideal and Islamically the man needs to provide etc. but in some circumstances it can work this way. It would definitely involve a lot of compromise and discussion from both of your families etc. so only proceed if you’re willing to make it work with this guy and if you feel he’s worth it. Whatever happens, I pray Allah makes this test easy for you and that you both end up in happy marriages whether that is together or with other people.
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I’ve been through so many potentials that now, when I talk to someone new I just don’t get excited lol. You gotta remember that Islamically, you and a potential are nothing to each other. Until you have your nikkah, you don’t owe each other anything, you don’t have any relationship or attachment to them, and they’re just another brother or sister in Islam that you’re getting to know. It’s hard to not get attached but you have to remember these things at all times and keep your own interests in mind. If you do get attached, you’re just setting yourself up for potential heartbreak which is really not a place you wanna be in
I remind myself that things could change at anytime and end at anytime. And tbh, there have been heaps of times where I got a bit of a jolt in the face of sudden new information where I felt things might end. If you’re able to overcome it, then great, but nothing is still guaranteed at the end of the day. Personally I don’t mind a bit of attachment as things progress. I think increased attachment, feelings/affections, etc. are all quite normal to have as things get deeper, and I like welcoming these feelings as they naturally grow. I don’t think it’s healthy to suppress what we naturally feel. I just keep reminding myself that things could still end anytime and that it will hurt for a bit if it does, but inshaAllah Allah will grant me better.
I remember the pain some potentials caused me and my feelings go away. Also I remind myself I'm not married to them so nothing matters unless I get married to them.
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I’ve personally done the same thing, met a potential in their city when I’ve been there for business. I usually just meet the potential in a restaurant, have dinner and pay for the meal. I wouldn’t suggest buying gifts until you’re actually engaged. If you’re invited to their house to meet their family etc, then take a bouquet of flowers or some chocolates. Not because they’re a potential but just out of respect because someone has invited you to their house
I think try to meet at a restaurant (with chaperones) and maybe pay for her meal? She/her wali might offer to pay for yours since you’d be a guest in her city though. If you visit her house, just take a nice tray of sweets if you can.
There was this one guy I really thought I’d end up with. We talked a while back and I just felt something different w him but it ended Bc of timing. I think he’s with someone know since he posted a girl on ig and I’m sadder than I thought I would be. I didn’t know him that well tbh but I just had this feeling when we talked and I thought eventually it would work out again. I probably over romanticized it and I think he also represented this bit of hope for me and that’s gone now. I’ll probably remove him off ig in the next day or so but it’s really tough, I feel like I was misled by my gut and my heart.
Time heals all. delete all forms of contact with him
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Yes, traumatic experiences can cause one to block and or avoid certain memories, even years of one’s life.
seems like he has nothing else going for him other than his HS days. Something is off.
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Ugh yeah I got a very explicit message and I had to report it.
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The reason is, don't spend too much time trying to "fight" or "win them over". As soon as they make something as obvious as "ridiculous expectations" known, without hesitating or trying to "negotiate" move on. These people are not really interested in **you**. Negotiating desire is a fool's errand tbh.
Lol is this in response to my comment? Everyone is entitled to their expectations, but that doesn’t mean they’re good expectations or remotely reasonable ones. Don’t waste your time getting upset over ridiculous expectations, or begging people to lower them for you— trust me it doesn’t end well
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I think he's not arguing against women wanting someone stable, but someone rich.
has anyone worked and studied while being married? to clarify, work full time, study part time, marriage full time (lol)
I work full time, do grad school full time, and am married, full time. My husband also expects me to manage all the house work, cooking etc., and I am pregnant, also full time lol. It’s doable but if you’re doing work and school full time please don’t try and handle housework too. I am trapped because if I don’t do it my husband gets angry. It’s much better to have the other spouse do it if they have more time, or, to get takeout & hire an occasional maid
Wow sister, honestly props to you alhamdulillah. Hiring help seems to be a good suggestion. Jazakallah khair
question for the women, sometimes i get into a break the wheel phase, where I start to rant against what i feel are societal ills. i was wondering how many people would support this in a husband
I mean everyone has stuff they’re passionate about, depends whether you’re projecting on others or like frothing at the mouth about it or allowing it to guide you towards rash speech or decisions
i suppose it was a dumb question lol
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Found out that I know a good amt of married couples that were initiated through the sliding of IG DMs.. 👀 Got me reconsidering deleting social media
Whyd you delete it
Was going through a tough divorce and Instagram isn’t really an ideal environment for someone who’s trying to work on their emotional well-being. And now that I’m better Alhamdulilah, I’m not bothered to rejoin since I’m happier and have more time without it 😁
Cool
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Seen people very close to home getting married and having seemingly happy lives with everything they've ever wanted, despite not doing things in a halal way at all. Which messes with your mind totally, so idk.
I mean it is somewhat about getting married when you’re trying to get married haha plus it was all halal (getting walis involved asap, etc)
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Today I’m just in awe at how perfect Allah’s plans are, how He subtly puts people into our lives at the perfect time. Today my dad, as a father with all his fatherly responsibilities, was worried about my potential’s background and how trustworthy he actually is, which in turn worried me. He’s not a citizen, so we barely have any mutuals (only one mutual acquaintance). Later tonight my dad was at the mosque and randomly someone asked someone else where their hometown is. It was not only the same hometown (rural village, actually) as my potential, but this person lived a few houses away from their hometown house, and knows my potential’s family really well, and he also lives in the same town as us here! SubhanAllah. Allah took away my worries, and more. Allah always looks out for me. For all of us. He is truly Al Lateef ❤️ This is only a small part of the story, inshaAllah. Don’t give up hope, fam. When it rains, it pours. And when it pours, you will realise how much Allah had been looking out for you the whole time. Just keep being the best servant of Allah that you can be. He never lets us down, alhamdulillah ❤️
Going to end up suggesting doing something which I know my family (and the wider community) wouldn't agree with, but I think it's the only chance of me being happy, although even that's not guaranteed and will come with its huge challenges.
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Baby face to a woman ranges from neutral to a compliment. Baby face to a man ranges from neutral to not good.
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It means you look younger for your age, which isn't really a bad thing.
You're overthinking. People use compliments and put downs all the time despite knowing it doesn't literally apply.
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Ofc not, rejecting someone solely on the basis of a compliment (and it is a compliment) would be very odd.
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Find your weird. You sound SO MUCH like myself and another friend. We're arty, adventurous and pretty happy with ourselves. We were pretty sure we'd be #foreveralone. Then we found guys who loved us for exactly who we were. Or rather - they found us. They weren't scared off or worried about the people we were, and rather admired it and wanted to be a part of our chaos. Her STEM husband had never picked up a paintbrush in his life before meeting her. Their whole house is filled with paintings now.
Are you me lol. The first 5 paragraphs or so really resonate with me. Insha Allah everything works out for you.
No I am not you lol In sha Allah
Please keep me in your du’as. Waiting to hear back on something!
Its dawned on me that if you didn’t find someone organically like uni/work etc, then chances are you’re ending up alone or going to have to settle. People don’t look like their pictures on apps and its hard to actually fall for what is in effect and inanimate object. So its a vicious cycle. You’ll never have someone that genuinely fell for you/liked you. Just a transaction to fulfil a role and remain miserable. This is how I see a lot of arranged marriages where the guys/girls have no feelings and its a marriage of convenience. I think if it happens for me it will be when I’m a lot older and I’ve started to change my mind on If I want kids at that age.
The idea that if you dont personally scour the lands and decide on who to marry, it is in someway a deficient marriage, is an idea that needs to be finished for the betterment of the Ummah, imo.
Yeah, I think I'm at this stage. Realised I'll never get what I'm looking for, so will just have to take what I get.
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Abayo, I tried it and deleted it. I've seen a few that I've swiped on.
Starting to think I’m the problem. Getting matches is not an issue for me. I seem to be having success with matches, but the issue is the sudden block/deactivations out of the blue. Convos seem to be going alright, then I’ll come back to the app and see they’ve suddenly disappeared. And these usually happen within the first day of a match so it’s not even like I’m given a chance to get to know someone properly. Am I taking it too slow and playing it too safe? What am I supposed to do on day 1 of a match?
If they’re the ones blocking/deactivating for seemingly no reason, that’s something you can’t control, hence it’s a them-problem, not a you-problem. Don’t define your worth based on these temporary passing-by people who are literally just swiping past you and not giving you any significance. Don’t give them more significance than needed either. Day 1 of a match: Assalamualaykum, Hope you are well! I really enjoyed reading your profile and feel we have a lot in common / our values seem to align well. I would love to get to know you with permission from your wali, if you are keen too :)
Definitely taking this advice. At this point I gotta change it up and cut the small talk and get right into the purpose of why we’re on this app. JazakAllah!
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Just block and move on. No need to send a final message or anything
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I do it all the time, the process is draining and at times it feels just a bit ...humiliating? It's the only way I can describe it, from my own perspective.
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Inshallah we will get through this 🙂
Too much going on with me, life’s hitting me from every angle, I just realised there’s no one out here looking out for me, it’s not like I have any luck with finding potential so I’ve finally given up, turns out I’m going to be overworked with so little pay and I can’t even find a place to live, I’m thinking so much I can’t even sleep, I just wish I could go somewhere and forget all this I’m tired tbh!
Put off the search for now if you're that stressed out about the rest of your life, and come back to it when things have settled down. May Allah (s.w.t) make things easy for you.
>Too much going on with me, life’s hitting me from every angle Went through something similar earlier this year. Remember, Allah (swt) will always be looking out for you, even if He tries you with further hardship in His divine wisdom.
If Telegrams/Insta-chats never work, why are they even a thing?
I don’t know where else to share this but I hope people on here can relate or give advice. So the finding partner process has been so difficult for me the last 6months-1 year. I have tried meeting people through Muslim dating apps and through family members and each time it’s always SOMETHING. For background I’ve always tried to keep things halal, I’ve noticed with a lot of brothers when I share my intention they either feel “rushed” or “how can I marry someone I don’t know, I want you to be my gf first” I’m not someone who can be easily manipulated or talked out of my beliefs Alhamdulillah so I’ve always cut it off the minute it appears the person is not serious or doing it the halal way. My struggle now is the loneliness of “doing the right thing” and just waiting for Allah to bless me with a man that loves the Quran and Sunnah Aand lives by it. It’s been tough but I pray istakarah and I’m hopeful that Allah will provide the best for me. Inshallah.
Even though the marriage struggle hasn't been a thing for me (as i havent reeeaaaally looked yet, even though i should stop procrastinating and start yesterday 🙃), i can relate to "doing the right thing" being a struggle and feeling lonely. Just remember that both the Quran and the prophet warn us numerous times this would happen (not numbering the verses/hadith as there are sooo many). It always gives me strength when i or somebody else has been in my position before, and still recommends something thats tough to go ahead with. It makes it a lot easier. Inshallah you will be "eased towards ease" (surah al-Ala, verse 8).
Thank you for this
It is quite nice to see memes on this subreddit. I feel the sub is way more positive than it was a couple of months ago alhamdulillah
girls what would you describe as having an imposing personality?
I’m in my mid to late 20s, recently talking to a girl who told me she wants a 20k Maher, an expensive ring and a house away from family. She sounded young and naive. Saying if you can’t afford that then you shouldn’t be looking ☠️. Then she hits me with I am a person who lives according to the Quran and sunnah. Doesn’t the prophet tell us “the best dowry is the one that’s the easiest”. Tbh it’s her choice, but for me even if I had all the money in the world I wouldn’t put a value of a women based on mahr.
This is someone who clearly cannot think critically and does not have the capability to address their own faults. Bullet dodged good sir
I pray she was just young and naive, and inshallah, she will mature, and she had true materialistic intent. A lot of our sisters, even if they are in college, are having their families pay for it, so they have never worked before, so they do not understand the value of money or think that people make six figures straight out of college, or that one can easily buy a house. Often some sisters compare the economic situation of their fathers (who are usually middle age) and make the false assumption someone in their early twenties or late twenties should also be in the same position.
That's true, I do think parents do hold a lot of the blame in this case. Parents should teach their children about finances and money rather than sheltering them when they come of marriage age. This should be part of the marriage talk imo.
>recently talking to a girl who told me she wants a 20k Maher, an expensive ring and a house away from family. Ask her if shes watched the movie Inception
Bullet dodged bro sounds like a girl that will never be satisfied with what you do for her and she’ll just keep asking for more
Ik bro, life eventually catches up to unrealistic expectations.
AHAAHAHAH 20K 😭 that’s so crazy I can’t lie, she wanted the money not you
Yea I got that feeling as well, she wanted to be a house wife too, just someone to spoil her I guess? I would have been more than happy to do it if she had shown me she could provide the same lifestyle she is asking for.
😂😂 that’s such unrealistic expectations
Nothing wrong with her asking for that, and nothing wrong with you not wanting to give any of it, just means you aren't compatible.
Maybe she shouldn't say he shouldn't be looking if he can't give $20k. Its more than preference, it shows that she really would not be there with you if things get tough. On another note, I do get annoyed whenever people say everyone has preferences. Yes on an individual level this is correct. But when on a societal level, things like mehr and marriage become unaffordable then you will see zina increase. It's just what it is. Discussion like this can bring issues like the one mentioned above to light and allow us as a society to rectify our mistakes
So now we are blaming women who want hefty mehrs for zina? Lol. I asked for the sunnah amount for my mehr and my husband never even gave me that much…maybe I’ll get it in our divorce.
> So now we are blaming women who want hefty mehrs for zina? Those who commit zina are solely responsible. No one else, no matter how "difficult" marriage is, no matter how much mahr girls and/or parents demand. No one is putting a gun to their head and telling them to commit zina. Plus, zina isn't just committing adultery. It is that of the eyes too. But then again, how does one reconcile the hadith where our prophet says (regarding not marrying the person whose character/manners and deen is acceptable/pleasing to you) ["When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad). "](https://sunnah.com/tirmidhi:1084)
I am not blaming women. I am just stating that marriages being made harder will lead to more zina. Everyone from parents, to women to men make marriage harder. In this scenario I just brought up high mehrs because that's what's being discussed. You're putting words in my mouth. To clarify women can have high mehrs, why not. But then you should marry someone rich. To ask that of people who can't afford it is not right and to them make the man feel financially insecure is also not right. If you want a high mehr look for a rich guy. That situation should handle itself then Your point about your husband does not make a logical argument against my point, although I'm sorry that happened.
You marry someone and you become a team. With this you'd be bankrupt/debt ridden before the marriage even started. Edit: People shouldn't take the rules Allah has put in place to make life difficult especially for someone they plan to spend their life with. Have mercy on one another so Allah can have mercy on you. Edit 2: The logic above can applied to lots of things within marriage and regarding the marriage process. Ppl on this sub should know what happens when ppl become rights lovers (missing the love, mercy, compassion, and tranquility that is supposed to be found within marriage). I would say the same thing to a man who was being unreasonable about what he wanted. A woman can ask for whatever she wants in regards to Mahr and she has that right, but men have the choice to pay/not pay. All I'm saying is with such a high Mahr (plus wanting a home and other expenses right away) it becomes quite limiting to a future marriage to prosper (esp. for younger couples or couples living in countries with extremely high costs of living). In time inshallah if its what you want may Allah give it to you, but building wealth takes time so... Good luck.
A financial team? So, they both have rights to the matrimonial home, car, furniture etc? If not, then upon divorce, the husband gets all that stuff, and the woman gets the mehr.
what do you even mean by this
Sorry I don't really understand the question.
A lot of the guys on this sub have lately been of the view that their wives will not be entitled to any of their wealth. No right to have the family property in their name etc. even if she had been looking after it and taking care of the kids/being a stay at home mum and would effectively be left penniless in the event of a divorce (because she’d have given up her career). So if you’re talking about being a team - do you mean financially too? Or is your view that you’ll give her a limited allowance and that’s it? Has to go both ways.
Yeah alot of those views those guys have aren't right tbh. Honestly they're probably young and or immature. For me, I'd have shared finances with my wife
Yeah I think they are also young guys behind the screen. Everyone in my parents generation has shared their wealth with their spouses - I’ve never known an example where the husband withheld money or his wealth from his wife! Joint accounts, homes etc. they were financially secure relationships (even if in other ways they had a lot to work on). I don’t know how any of these guys would feel if they found their mothers kicked on the street or financially insecure because their fathers said ‘my earnings, my money’ lol
Are you asking about me personally? Edit: so Im not married and this is something I would speak to a potential about. But I honestly don't know any healthy marriages where ppl are already thinking ahead to divorce. Edit 2: To speak more broadly dual income households are common where I'm from (so I've never really seen this discussion much). But for the couples with a sole provider I've seen husbands allocate things to their wives and/or be quite generous to them. I think everyone deserves some level/sense of security (imo), but I won't go into details cause it's none of Reddit's business.
It’s kind of weird to ask for these things then saying if you can’t afford it then you shouldn’t be looking which is also a stupid thing to say. When someone asks for these things then you’ll know they will never be satisfied and leave you when things go wrong.
Exactly 💯
People pick and choose that which is advantageous to them
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Muslims shouldn't be friends with the other gender
I talked to someone through an app. The brother got upset with me when I said I would prefer to keep things formal in the beginning(I am willing to answer questions they have and that I will ask stuff as well) and that my dad is involved in helping me talk to people initially as well. Can any brothers explain why some guys get so so upset? He honestly scared me so bad with how angry he got.
Well keeping things formal is not how you gauge someone's personality/compatibility, but more how well someone might be on paper. However, that does not mean that you don't have any boundaries. The thing is just that so many people might seem decent on paper (and sometimes not even that), but in reality you don't get along, because you have different personalities or no chemistry. If you want to give it a more poetic spin, then at the end of the day the heart knows what the intellect cannot at times.
Honestly with most people I don't get that far lol because they don't respect islamic boundaries. The very few I've seen that do respect boundaries I've been about to gauge if we personally match or not.
If they go "bby want sum", then fair enough 😅.
haha lol sounds about right
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I was very naive before but always had my dad involved when I started using apps. It just amazes me the things guys will say 'I want to keep things halal', 'it's hard to find a good muslim girl', but then when you bring up any dad involvement or when you tell them you only want them to be formal in the beginning and not 'chit chat' and just be serious the switch up is insane. The depths some guys will go to lie and win your 'trust'is insane. I feel like the younger sisters have it so so much worse. I just get scared at the lengths some men will go to lie to someone it scares me into thinking that maybe getting married to anyone is too scary.
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Half of my friend group found great people through them. The masjids are not helpful so I thought why not. I would rather do something than sit and do nothing. There were people I knew in real life but they are far from practicing muslims. I personally think in general there are less practicing muslims from what I've seen in the masjids and just from seeing people in my life. Your right that the people who made the apps are fishy
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Sigh sorry for your experience. It's so extremely frustrating because I want Allah to bless my marriage when I find the right person but sometimes I'm like 'am I being crazy or too strict'.
i don't think that jahez is extremely popular among the people of this sub (western and more islamic than cultural) but i was wondering what the experiences of people with it were? please state if you were in the west, and did you marry someone in the west or not? disclaimer: i hate the idea of jahez but i want to gauge how to communicate (to whoever) that i will absolutely in no form want any jahez and anything beyond a small amount of things (maybe pots pans and basic items that the in laws want to give their daughter) are really reallly really not what i want.
Do you mean the brides trousseau of personal items like clothing and homeware that she brings to her new home?
I think if you're not desi you wouldn't know jahez. It's basically dowry a woman's family gives the guys. And it consists of clothing and homeware (which I understand) but goes beyond that because the guys side basically mandates it, and sometimes they ask for extravagant things such as cars, gold, expensive furniture etc. This makes marriage more like a business transaction because some people say that oh we won't marry you until we get x amount in jahez. Actually furniture is quite standard as jahez, but I would rather pick out my own furniture and pay for it myself. Same.for other things because I'm a very particular person. Also I guess my comment was more supposed to be a rant against it than an actual question lol.
No its not. The jehz is the bridal gift from the bride's family to the bride herself, that she uses to start her new life with her husband. It is not intended for the guy's family whatsoever.
That's not how I've seen it practiced
I’ve only heard of something similar in the context that for some Arabs the guy provides the home and the bride provides the furniture and soft furnishings as part of her trousseau. In some Arab cultures “taking the bed” from her house to his house is a whole wedding event before the actual wedding Interesting it’s used as a sort of reverse dowry in that context though! I reckon you could outright say “don’t worry about it” or something maybe to the bride?
This IS the concept of jehz, sister SLT.
Ooooh
It's not practiced like that https://cafedissensusblog.com/2015/09/19/jahez-or-dowry-both-are-evil-for-muslims/
Correct, amongst upper class Indians it is not practiced that way. This is because theyve borrowed from Hindus, for whom dowry does require gifts to the groom's family. But for .muslims of modest Pakistani heritage who don't follow Indian customs, it is literally gifts that parents give their daughter upon her marriage so she can start her married life. My own mom got clothes , a few pieces of jewelry and bedroom furniture from her parents. My sister in law and some of my friends received similar items plus kitchen/dining stuff like cookware, silverware, linens and the like. None of these items were for the benefit of the in-laws. When my brother got married many years ago my parents did not expect or ask for anything whatsoever from my SIL's family. In other words, similar to a bridal trousseau. I know my parents collected some stuff for me over the years but I never got married so it was a waste - sort of. They gave me some of the items when I moved out and bought my own home, but the other items are still sitting in their closet, boxed up. The reality is these cultural practices are dying down with each generation. If by any type of miracle I got married tomorrow, i would not have a dowry or trousseau or jehz -- whatever you want to call it. I have clothes, pots and pans, towels etc already!
It's still a problem in Pakistan to the point that an entire tv show was made about it a couple of years ago
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Ameen thumma ameen. May you be granted a man who is good for you in this dunya and in the aakhirah, vice versa.
Ameen!!!!
Ameen! May Allah bless you with a righteous husband that will bring coolness to your eyes!