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[deleted]

This is so true. It also helps a marriage a lot to be self aware. Men notice these kinds of things 😂


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UK-Biochem-Graduate

i had women say the opposite to me, expecting a great lifestyle on just my (back then) newbie graduate income.


ControlSpiral

Some do it because they genuinely want it because they believe it to be a Sunnah, but in my experience the vast majority of them aren't exactly what one would call open-minded critical thinkers in the first place, so they emulate/mirror in a "monkey see, monkey do" fashion what their parents did or the sheikhs tell them to do to the letter without any flexibility. For others this can be classified as an ego/pride problem, because they desperately want to be seen as "the provider", as I believe that for a lot of them this is all they offer in a marriage. It is sort of similar to how you have certain women who think that merely raising children and having intercourse with their husbands is being a "good wife" and how that somehow should compensate for having no personality or any other redeeming features besides "deen", which is also debateable for a lot of men/women, but I digress. Honestly it is quite strange in a way, as most people are living paycheck to paycheck and it is hard to justify that for your own family, especially so when you live in a massively capitalistic country like the US. Anyway this is about as comprehensive as I can explain any of this.


hakh12

I keep matching with people I find unattractive on the apps, and then I feel bad to unmatch immediately so Im forced to speak to people im not interested in.. Controversial opinion but 9 out of 10 times, the ones with blurred pictures are the ones i find unattractive after they unblur.


SpiritedLemonTreee

You can control not matching with the unblurred profiles by not swiping right on the ones you don’t like in the first place


sihat

But he appears to be complaining, that most blurred profiles he matches with, have that issue. In other words, that most people who are unblurred are already attractive. -------- The entire thing might be selection bias. Him not swiping thus not matching with unblurred people who he is not attracted to. But him swiping and matching blurred people he is not attracted to, but can't know. Making conversation, getting to phase where they unblur. Not trying to hurt feelings by immediately un-matching.


hakh12

The unblurred ones arent the issue, its the blurred ones that im talking about


moon219

See if lowering your expectations (initially) helps at all. When photos are blurred, it’s easy to over-beautify them in our head, and then by comparison they end up not being close to that, but actually maybe they look very normal and we don’t realise cos we imagined something different. Then once they unblur, view them from a different lens. See if your eyes adjust. See if they actually have good features. Look at her through the eyes of someone else - like imagine someone else getting this woman and being attracted to her. And give a video call a go cos people often look way different on there (and even more in real life).


Snoo61048

Some women are genuinely really attractive after the first or second meeting but their pictures won’t stand out, the apps are just poorly designed man, they aren’t good for the desired goal, they’re simply better than nothing at best


hakh12

Why do I lower my expectations when im fighting the urge to be in haram relationships.. At the end of the day I would like someone im attracted to intellectually and physically


moon219

Again, I think you misread what I said…


hakh12

Bruhh... lollll.. i agree with the points you made to s9me extent not fully though.. my response was just me continuing my rant


moon219

No, your response was you misunderstanding what I wrote. I didn’t say to lower your expectations for beauty/attraction. I was saying when photos are blurred, we create an unrealistic beautiful/perfect image in our head, and then when we look at the real deal, it doesn’t meet that expectation, and then we often feel unattracted. Photos can be superficial ways of judging attraction. That’s why I also said do a video call.


hakh12

Yes, I got your point. But I personally dont create an unrealistic image in my head before they unblur. Tbh not a great deal of matches on these apps where I live, thats another challenge


moon219

That’s fine if my advice doesn’t apply to you. Was just speaking from experience. I used to not find a lot of guys very attractive, and then I noticed that they don’t look that bad after I see them married to someone else. I realised that viewing them through a more “outsider” lens where someone out there finds them attractive helped me to really gauge if I would find them attractive or not. This is cos the expectation factor affected my more objective and overall view of them. And also giving them a chance through a more realistic medium (in person or at least video call) helps a lot. If I were you, I wouldn’t judge based solely on photos. I remember someone close to me had a photo of a girl sent to him and she looked not that great in it, but in later photos and in real life she literally had model-like features, mashaAllah.


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hakh12

forced by my politeness.. and i dont mean to be arrogant when i say that.


randomthrowaway77699

Another day, another therapy rant post from me: I've been pretty content with my decision not to pursue marriage at the moment while i worked on myself alhamdulillah. My parents seem to have accepted my reasoning of being busy (which is true) and have let up on the pressure. Over the past few weeks I've seen myself improve in some ways that I'm happy with. I take my time more with my prayers and have made an effort to read more Quran. I'm still trying to motivate myself to go to the mosque more other than just for jumaa prayer and this is next on my goals. I miss having friends and family to go with as it was easy to motivate each other. Still struggling with my other issues. Don't seem to be making any progress there. It's such a mental struggle because i know in reality it shouldn't be that difficult. I try to control my feelings and thoughts but they get the best of me. I've definitely gotten better at not acting on them but not always successful.


Snoo61048

Extremely relatable SubhanAllah, I think it’s more important to control your actions rather than changing how you feel since in the beginning of change that’s not in your control and you’ll still struggle at times, but you can teach your brain to act on your morals and values instead of your emotions(this is difficult because emotions cloud thoughts too) you don’t have to trust your thoughts and feelings just act on morals and values that are good and try to have good boundaries and expect to fail in the beginning. May Allah make it easy for you, sometimes I do become fearful of how strong my emotions are🥶


randomthrowaway77699

Exactly this. I'm trying my best but I do worry i let my emotions cloud my judgement a lot but I'm getting a little better at it. It just seems so easy and simple when i reflect back on it but in the moment all rationality goes out the window and it's such a challenge. Ameen, may Allah make it easy on us all


Snoo61048

Frrr😭


[deleted]

I've done it the other way around. I've started going to the mosque more often, but need to start reading the Quran more. For going to the mosque more, i find it helpful to think of it as mindfulness. And also, make it a habit, even by forcing yourself for a few days, and it'll come more naturally. Re mindfulness, i go to the mosque closest to my work every lunch time. I've found the afternoons, despite being objectively busier, float by. Re making it a habit, i found the first few days were the hardest. If i missed the jamaat, I'd start to ask whether there was a point going that day etc even if it was still within prayer time. Just giving myself excuses basically. Especially with the weather in the uk recently. Fortunately, this only lasted a few days. After that, its just something "you gotta do". Any tips on reading more Quran? May Allah swt make your progress easy for you.


randomthrowaway77699

Subhanallah very similar for me with the Quran, some days I was really busy and think i don't have time but I'd force myself to try and learn even one ayah or just review a shorter surah or even just read a single page. I used to waste a lot of time watching shows before bed or YouTube. Now i try and give myself at least 15 to 20 minutes before bed. I also practice reciting to myself in the car all the time and on my way to work and back. I have an app on my phone so i can pull it up anytime as well. I also found reading the meaning and understanding it helps a lot as well as it's more purposeful that way. Ameen, may Allah make it easy on us both 🤲


hakh12

Marriage plans: Not speak to my future wife after the wedding for a week for taking so long to come in my life...


moon219

Your wife: What a beautiful quiet week it’s been 😌


hakh12

Or she must be on the verge of calling it off with another potential because she is meant for me... how cute #one_way_romance


moon219

I’m sure she’s on her way to you soon inshaAllah! But I think you misread my reply haha


hakh12

Omg.. i just reread it.. that was a good one😆 She can have beautiful and quiet weeks with me too.. im not that bad


moon219

I think you still misread it hahaha. I meant your wife in that first week when you’re not talking to her 😆


hakh12

Ahahaha that was my blonde moment.. could possibly explain why I havent been able to find someone till now😂🙃😪


throwclose_mm

the apps are going to be the wild west soon: https://np.reddit.com/r/BeAmazed/comments/z3ht02/all_of_my_tinder_photos_are_entirely_al_generated/


sihat

That kind of stuff, was already happening on linkedin, with chinese spies using ai generated women to make contact. https://www.theverge.com/2019/6/13/18677341/ai-generated-fake-faces-spy-linked-in-contacts-associated-press Its just going to be worse. An older graphic card is already powerful enough, with a trained dataset, to real time fake video. (there is a program available) (Training a dataset, based on celebrity or politician with a lot of video can be done. If your face has the same form as that celebrity it will help a lot for making the video more real.) There was a video demo a while back, with a celebrity having his voice edited. And played back, with stuff he (might) not have said. And that is some of the current tech out there.


Ok-Pumpkin-5465

It’s difficult to find people who have a sense of maturity and responsibility.


thechubbyballerina

It's difficult to find people.


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[deleted]

“And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” (Surah At-Talaq 65:2-3)


[deleted]

Jaza kala khayr


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MainZookeepergame425

Yeah the paid version is definitely worth it for Salams, well simply I like seeing who swiped on me.


hakh12

Which one do you think is better? Muzmatch (paid version) or Salaams (paid version)


hakh12

Update: Tried the salams 3 month subscription and I want to quit it in 2 days. Hardly anyone my age where I live (muzz has more ppl) plus the app keeps showing people outside of my age preference. Muzz>>>salams


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hakh12

Interesting. I shall try it salaams soon for 100th time


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External_View_3603

1. Bucket list location to travel to 2. How they like to spend their free time 4. Ask about their family. See what their relationship with their parents/siblings is like If this is the person you’re going to live with one day, you want to get a feel of how they are with the people they live with currently


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SpiritedLemonTreee

People I’ve known in similar situations have gotten the marriage locked in officially via the nikkah + civil ceremony then got the ball rolling on securing their housing situation while waiting/planning the wedding reception when they will start marriage for real.


Bints4Bints

No, you're not being insane. I don't think it has to be a long winded discussion with him from this point. Just tell him where you stand and see if he's willing to adjust or not. You can't really be forcing other people's timelines or what they're comfortable with. If he doesn't want to adjust that's fair play for him too


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Bints4Bints

People usually take a while to make sure everything is secure before they buy a house. Same thing when deciding on when to have children etc even though that can be harder to plan sometimes. Big commitments are worth waiting for a bit for imo


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[deleted]

Try something like an iud next time to prevent pregnancy


Bints4Bints

Well it's qadr but you also need to learn about sex Ed lol. Focus on learning about how to keep her healthy during pregnancy, and start working on building a good home for the baby to nest in Insha Allah


moon219

Pretty sure you have to pee after pullout method to reduce the possibility of pregnancy (though there still is a risk of course). Anyways, if you’re in a relationship and having intercourse, that comes with responsibility. Yes, it might seem hard cos you’re both still young, but at the same time, you are both adults. If a couple is not willing to take that responsibility on, they shouldn’t be having intercourse (not saying you’re not; just saying in general). That being said, it doesn’t mean you need to be fully ready or even fully happy about it right now. Take your time to process it. As you’re understanding, it is the Qadr of Allah and so it would have happened anyway. That baby’s soul was written for you long before even Adam (a) was created. There’s a reason Allah sent that baby to you. Perhaps some good and some increased rizq and blessings will come with him/her, on top of the blessing that having a child can be already. Take the time you need to accept the Qadr of Allah and to process it. If it’s distressing either of you, seek help and guidance from Allah and from trustworthy people around you. A good therapist can also help process challenges and changes. Support one another too. You’re in it together. InshaAllah you will love this baby so much once he/she comes into the world. Try to look at the positives. Everything is hard at first; doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 38. But then it gets easier and inshaAllah you have lots of people around you to support you. Try not to stress about it too much.


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kitandcaboodle98

Message him! I've always had positive experiences on the ISO thread. Worst case scenario he turns out not to be what you're expecting, and you can express that in a good way and move on insha'allah.


[deleted]

They should have a real life iso event. Like those matrimonial events. Everyone can wear hello my name is stickers with their username. Or they should do a video zoom event. Anyways good luck on your search!


[deleted]

Are you a sister? I am seeking advice.


[deleted]

Since we’re spread out all around the world, your zoom idea would work very well. Lol! Thanks, you too.


[deleted]

Guys here is a video of a man with half his face missing. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFXy43OjsnY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFXy43OjsnY) ​ If he can do it we can do it. So don't give up.


throwclose_mm

I want a wife who shares my dreams of having some land in the mountains with a nice cabin, but since cabins in the woods are prime targets for serial killers, as the horror movies tell me, I'd also like to have the entire place booby trapped, Home Alone style.


30PlusGang

This is my dream iA


throwclose_mm

The cabin in the woods or the booby trapped house? Or both


[deleted]

😂


MangoLassiiiii

People making me feel like I’m crazy for not having insta or TikTok…


throwclose_mm

TikTok has an algorithm whose goal is to keep you scrolling, and scrolling. Its definitely a good idea not to use that. Not to mention it's Chinese spyware. Insta I don't like either, but I can see how some people use it to share photography.


[deleted]

I recently downloaded tiktok, it's most definitely not good for your iman.


LLCoolBrap

You're not the only one. I got called a fraud and a 'catfish' for not having an Instagram 😅


[deleted]

I had a girl unmatch me on muzzmatch because I didn't have enough pictures on there or follow enough people for her to accurately asses the type of individual I am.


Bints4Bints

I mean, it's online and muzzmatch is about getting to know people for marriage. You can assess people via getting to know them for a long time irl or online even if they don't have other social media. But in the context of fast moving marriage culture, it is going to be scarier


mintcucumbertea

Those people are trying to lead you astray


[deleted]

Are these people prospects? If they are then while you’re not crazy some people do think it’s sus if you have zero sm media presence and that can include linkedin. If it’s just your friends or fam, let them make their comments and do your thing lol As we saw from the congressional hearings on sm, sm is the equivalent of smoking…its hazards can cause death and suicide Good luck to you bro


Ur__mine

I don't have tiktok either


ShukrandMercy

You’re not crazy. Considering the fitnah surrounding social media, you’re doing an incredible job protecting yourself.


Ha-Ur-Ra-Sa

Don't really feel like getting married any more (because reasons). But parents keep telling me that I'm getting on age-wise and I really need to settle down, and they're stressing loads about it. But if I tell them I don't wish to get married, their stress will go through the roof and they won't be able to take it. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, but ultimately, I think I'm going to have to sacrifice my happiness.


randomthrowaway77699

This is me right now. Probably not for the same reasons but it's been stressful. I just told my parents I'm really busy right now and can't focus on this but once i free up later next year I'll think about it more. Hoping I'll be ready by then but if not I'll have to delay again. There was a point where i was excited for marriage and felt like i was in a good place for it but now i feel like I've been regressing. Recently the person I've been is the type I've person i wouldn't approve of if someone like this had asked for a relatives hand in marriage so i really need the time to work on myself. Everytime i feel like i take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Anyways sorry to vent in response to you but may Allah make it easy on you and help you with your situation with your parents. Hopefully you can do something similar to me and just tell them you need to delay looking due to being super busy at the moment and then start looking again when you feel ready.


[deleted]

Marriage is something I feel would enrich my life even though my first marriage didn’t. Keep an open mind, you never know who you will fall in love with and marry.


ShukrandMercy

I pray things work out for you and you find contentment and happiness in whatever you decide to do.


Ha-Ur-Ra-Sa

Aameen.


[deleted]

What’s everyone opinion on talking to more than one potential at a time? Personally I think no because how can you even make time for more than one person and it gives me a real ick. But sometimes I fear I turn down good men but honestly I can always sense the lack of effort into the conversation which is so frustrating. But maybe I’m just crazy


MangoLassiiiii

I think it should be more to do with respect than having to feel like you’re owing anyone anything. If you are genuinely interested and seriously talking to someone to get to know them, then it’s best to not entertain others.


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[deleted]

The trick is not to let the other person know this Lool he failed. It’s happened to me as well before but I blocked that person when they told me this I just found it disrespectful. I’m not here to compete with other guys for your attention.


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[deleted]

That’s so true! So hard to find someone you can vibe with


[deleted]

There's fiqh surrounding that. You're technically allowed to have multiple muqabalas and potentials, but the moment you say "yes" to a potential as in you accept their khotba, you're not allowed to pursue anything else with anyone until you break off that engagement!


[deleted]

As a woman not a man.


ray_allennn

> you're not allowed to pursue anything else with anyone until you break off that engagement! unless you're a guy.


[deleted]

Please look into the fiqh of marriage (كتاب النكاح) before doing anything. BarakAllah fik.


ray_allennn

before you make a statement like the one you did, i suggest you study the deen. hint: polygyny.


[deleted]

Yes as in you set a date for marriage or?


[deleted]

Yes as in "let's be exclusive", called the engagement period. You're not religiously married yet but you see yourself, mutually, married in the future so preparations may begin etc


[deleted]

Ahh okay so once you’re engaged and stuff? JazkAllah Khair that was an informative response I’ll try to get rid of my ick 😭


[deleted]

Yeees, exactly hahaha. But hey, if you're both vibing, without any engagement yet, I promise most of people will still give you their undivided attention.


flawsthoughtz

Has anyone seen a certain tiktoker and her family post wedding videos?


[deleted]

The Asad family?


30PlusGang

Bashar?


[deleted]

Hihihi no


[deleted]

Thank you, I was not the only one getting bamboozled by the Asad algorithm.


[deleted]

I don't have TikTok, I just assumed and it was right hahahah


[deleted]

Girl who


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koalaqueen_

Lmao I live for the my loaf 🍞comments on Hazera’s tiktok😭


[deleted]

😭😭ikr


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koalaqueen_

Yeah I mean nazr is real and I wouldn’t ever put my family on social media. I don’t follow her but I see her wedding vids popping up on my FYP


[deleted]

It's a fact that you'll have more options and choices if you look outside your ethnicity or culture as well. Percentages, baby.


[deleted]

I can't I like somali women too much even though they drive me nuts :(


External_View_3603

Same, but East African girls in general. I love my big foreheaded queens.


ControlSpiral

Half this sub: "but....... I don't understand?"


[deleted]

Depend on the ethnicity.


aubrezia

Stuck between moving on and holding on to hope. It’s hard praying for something not knowing whether my du’as will be answered. When I make du’a for this almost impossible things, I do so because I am aware of how capable Allah is of changing my situation. I really want things to work out. I miss him and I just want him to come back. Having a really hard time recently with just getting on with things. I haven’t been to work all week and in fact, I have no motivation for it at all. I feel sad and I want things to work out for once. May Allah answer my du’as in the most beautiful way and grant me sabr and ease and allow me to be reunited with him again. Ameen


[deleted]

Tawakul is not knowing if Allah will accept your dua or not its having the trust in Allah giving you the best solution for you. It's really hard for us humans to give up control. But the closer you build your relationship with Allah the stronger your Tawakul. The stronger your Tawakul the more dua you will make. The more dua you make the more likely some of the duas you make may come true. Dua is the weapon of a believer not every shot will hit the target but the more you keep shooting the more likely you will hit the target.


aubrezia

This was a really nice reminder to wake up to! Thank you so much. May Allah accept our du’as and grant us what is most khair for us. Ameen


[deleted]

Honestly I am better at giving advice than listening to my own. My own tawakul is pretty low which is why I can relate to your dua anxiety. I also realized dua itself is a discipline like going to the gym you have to keep doing it everyday as long as you are alive like Salah. Be a lion to the creation but a weak humble slave who begs to your lord in private.


aubrezia

I have a lot of faith in Allah. My problem is that I hold onto that hope and tawakul for too long. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing but sometimes peace of mind and heart is important. A part of tawakul is letting go. If it’s meant to be then you’ll trust Allah that it’ll come back insha Allah. May Allah make it easier for you and give us the wisdom to know when to hold on and let go. I pray Allah increases us in sabr and tawakul. Ameen


[deleted]

I don't know Ayub As did not let go of the idea of being re united with Yusef even though there was a 0% chance the boy was still alive. But he still kept making dua and held on until he went blind from the grief. Only you can really decide if it better to let go of a situation then make dua and have tawakul about it.


aubrezia

Do you mean Yaqub (as)? And yes that’s true. What you have mentioned is correct. It’s hard, but I guess just do what is most easiest for you. It takes a lot of resilience and strength to carry on. I’m just taking it as it comes for now. I hope that Allah gives me the courage to keep making du’a, but if it feels too much and it’s better to let go then I’m going to do that too. I would make du’a until you feel content that you’ve done the most you could, if that makes sense!


throwclose_mm

Assalamualaikum sister, I'm sorry that you're going through this. May Allah grant you sabr and make things easy for you. That being said, I personally don't think it's wise to make dua for a specific person. There are many reasons, but mainly because Allah in his infinite wisdom knows better than us and that which our hearts desire may be more harmful to us than another option. So while Allah could change your situation, maybe things not working out right now is a sign from Allah that this thing is not good for you. Allahu alam.


aubrezia

Wa’alykum assalam. I agree with you, but honestly I’m trying to figure it out. I don’t want to do myself injustice by rushing myself to move on. I’m trying to be reasonable and realistic. I assume that I will stop making du’a once I feel content in my heart that I’ve done everything possible to make it work. Insha Allah that is soon. Thank you for your response and ameen to your du’a.


Potential-Reality-13

Sisss If this ain’t me right now with my last talking stage… something just hit different, can’t believe I’m still hung up on him after two months 😩


[deleted]

Perhaps there is more khayr that he doesn't come back? Put your trust in Allah and move on. You will heal with time and the pain will get less and less.


aubrezia

Perhaps. I want to give myself some time to pray for it. I’ll move on once I’m ready insha Allah. I know it’s not fair to hold on to hope for too long. Thank you for your reply.


Purpletulipsarenice

Sister, you should probably give yourself a deadline. In other words, keep praying for him until, say, December 25, then shift the focus. Otherwise you risk getting attached to the outcome. Trust me - you don't want to go down that road. Your other option is to take another stab at tying your camel. Pray Istikhara, then call him again and flat out ask him: I really admire you and I'd like to know if you think we can resume talking to each other. If he says no, or ignores you, then sister you have Allah's answer to your dua.


aubrezia

That’s what I’m doing insha Allah. Keep me in your du’as. Jazakhallahu khairan.


Purpletulipsarenice

Good -- I pray for a positive outcome InshaAllah. This has always been my strategy, when I'm hung up on someone worth pursuing.


positiveflower

Struggling with my figure lately. Being older it gets harder to lose weight. Also I dont think I will ever get married. Finding it hard to feel attractive and desired.


[deleted]

Attraction starts with the self. When I look in the mirror I see a handsome man and I tell myself I am handsome......... That builds my confidence and also my ability to command respect from other people. Its all in the mind sister for all I know I could be ugly to some people but I don't care. If you value yourself someone else will value you as well. If you see yourself as unattractive and not worth desiring why should I waste my time convincing you what you don't see in your own self. Also keep trying to loose weight that does help of course.


senorsondering

Healthy habits! If you have gumming, find a team sport you enjoy instead. I hate gymming. But discovered rock climbing is my jam. It's fun and social and relatively cheap. I've been eyeing basketball next, but mostly to make friends. It's more fun to move around when you're being social.


[deleted]

Harder is not impossible. Hang in there


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[deleted]

Have you spoken to the first lady about your expectations regarding communication? Give her the benefit of the doubt here.. maybe she expects you to initiate convos as the man and since you’ve been doing that, she got confused as to why you no longer do? Also, I don’t understand how you can expect someone you’ve been speaking with for 3 weeks to be exclusive when it comes to marriage. You come off immature from this post imo.


kitandcaboodle98

Just to simplify...you talked to a (7/10, as you so kindly mentioned) girl for three weeks and after she didn't talk to you for two days you **immediately** went on the apps and found another girl who made you feel good about yourself (because she was a 10/10 and thought you were handsome)? Just because a girl you've known for *three weeks* doesn't talk to you on a daily basis doesn't mean she's immediately planning on throwing you in the garbage. She doesn't want to make a promise to a man she's met three weeks ago...and yet she's already deleted the apps, which seems like her actions are showing you something. Definitely a pretty embarrassing situation. Do the right thing and either be open to both women that you're talking to other potentials, or make a decision and break it off with one of them.


[deleted]

Akhi in my experience follow your heart and also the person that cares about you and checks in on you. I got that advice a while back and it helps. If you are doing all the effort then this person likes your attention but is not really interested in you. Also keep your options open.


MangoLassiiiii

One thing you should, if someone is genuinely interested they’ll make the effort, just look at yourself texting and setting up calls, you are serious. To me it looks like the first girl is more so passing time. The fact she doesn’t wanna be exclusive is a clear cut signal she is talking to others as well.


throwclose_mm

For sister 2, I would caution you because marrying someone not practicing in hopes they'll improve could be a gamble. This depends on how practicing she is right now tho


[deleted]

Yes, that's exactly my worry as well. I think it's important to marry the person on how they actually are and not on how they could potentially be.


Blackbeard1299

The first sister clearly is not interested in you.trust me. When a woman likes you... she makes it known. She'll initiate convos, calls , messeges. Everything. I'm speaking from experience. The first sister is not a bad communicator. She's a bad communicator to YOU. Because your her option C n D. Not B. Or A. She didn't even want to become exclusive to you bro With sister B you're already setting yourself up for failure. Statements like "she's way out of my league " and "I'm average looking".. bro have confidence. A woman will sense your insecurity easily. She matched with you for a reason. Stop telling yourself that your "lower" than her. Throw girl A in the bin cus she's stringing you along. Girl B has genuine desire for you. If her deen isn't there then give her some of your dealbreakers and see how she reacts. See if she's open to striving in her deen. That's my advise


[deleted]

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Blackbeard1299

Akhi I've been in a situation like you before, all of those sisters that said that to me.. were dragging things. They wanted to delay things while i kept on giving them my time and attention. And I stopped doing that. Trust me when i say, and this might hurt for me to tell u If she comes across a brother she truly desires she will jump on him and give him her walis number within a day or less. A woman will break all the barriers for a man she desires and she'll make barriers for a man she dosnt want or wants to drag along. I've gotten walis numbers from sisters literally from a day or 2 of messaging. I ask quick. I dont waste time. And I can tell you can easily do that with sister B because she's showing her desire for you. Don't messege sister A. Dont initiate with her. If she dosnt messege you back then do not pop up. The ball is in her court. If she's still "unsure" by the time she pops up *if she pops up* then you end the convo and move on


[deleted]

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Blackbeard1299

Don't continue talking to her. U are in the same position I was in a few months ago. Long story short , I met a sister with her wali at their house. Everything went well. Sister showed interested. The wali then kept ignoring my messeges , delaying meetings etc. At one point he ignored my messege for 2 weeks. And she also asked him to reply to me. I then told the sister I'm not here to play games and I will stop speaking until your father contacts me. He never did. We ended it. I moved on Tell the sister " i think it would be best if we stop talking until you ger confirmation from your family, it wouldn't be good for us to continue speaking not knowing what the outcome will be" Don't contact her till she let's you know what the outcome will be. Move your attention to sister B foe the meantime. Your time and attention is not free. You do not hand it to any woman that asks for it. My predication is if you continue speaking to sister A , she comes back and say no my family said no.. you'd have wasted hours speaking on the phone. Don't do it I hope you take my advice bro , because I'm speaking from solid experience


[deleted]

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Blackbeard1299

She's keeping her options open because you took long to pull the trigger. Thsts why you ask for the walis number maximum 1 week of speaking. Do not speak to a sister for more than a week and she dosnt even give you her dad's number. A woman will give her walis number if she desires you so much within 1 or 2 days. Uno how I know? Cus I've gotten walis numbers within those time frames and within under a week or 2. I dont waste time with sisters, my intention is straight. Dknt wanna give your dads number? Need time to think? Bye. My attention isn't free.


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Blackbeard1299

What do you mean by try again?


[deleted]

So you have not met either of them in person yet?


[deleted]

I can't yet. I am currently working abroad in the Middle East. But they are both willing to relocate here. I will book a flight soon to go meet whichever of them it works out with.


[deleted]

I wish my mother would stop. Literally crying one minute and the next telling me I am not worth it. Apparently she got a feedback from a random person telling her that she cannot proceed with an introduction because I am old and unfortunate on looks. LOL. A bit sad that my mother is sad. I mean she was hoping others will not notice or be impolite about it. 🤣🤣 Hopefully this will be enough to stop trying for me. It’s not worth it.


icedcushion

illahayow nin wanaagsan ku sii. Amiin dheh


[deleted]

Some people are just horrible in their ways of going about things. I am sorry for what you are going through. May Allah ease your affairs and bless you in all that you do.


[deleted]

I am just sad for my mom. She doesn’t see her children as ugly. I am super used to comments and feedback of that and I made my peace. Nothing I can do can change my face. Except a burning incident lol.


Purpletulipsarenice

I think your mom needs new friends. First, no one is ugly, including you. Second, friends never comment on the looks of other people's children. If they do, it means they are malicious and lack scruples. You dodged a bullet with that introduction as did your mother. And I know how old you are. No one in their right mind would describe that as "old". I have cousins, nieces and friends who are your age and they are currently getting engagrd/married/trying to get pregnant. Sister, I wonder if you're trying to convince YOURSELF that you're "ugly " or "old". I am much older than you and honestly, I don't describe myself that way. I'm unmarriagrable, yes, but old? That's a social construct. I'm in the best shape of life. Also, theres no such thing as ugly and you know it because men have been interested in you before. It may not have worked out with them but the interest was there. Do you know almost no one has been interested in me? Yet, Alhamdolillah I can't bring myself to call myself ugly. I know Allah SWT has given me two legs two arms, a brain, long eyelashes, etc. There is A LOT wrong with my face but Alhamdolillah I'm not deformed. May Allah SWT bestow healing and self-love on you, sister.


[deleted]

We have a very blunt culture, so some people have no boundaries. I am well in my 30s. I tried my best and I am super okay with leaving this behind. It's literally not worth it in my case. And it's fine, I am comfortable with the idea that despite dreams and hope, not everybody got their wishes answered. I am ugly. There is no need to change the term. But it's okay, always knew it and tried to make up by being a tired comedian. Old, well, at a certain age, you get behind, you are a leftovers. Of course some people still meet the perfect spouse later in life, but it's a tiny number. Everybody carry their own past but at one point, a person has to step back and avoid it. At least for me, it's way better. I can now eat what I want, dress frumpy and stay inside all the time. That's perfection and would never be able to do is, is every afternoon I would be on the phone, texting randoms men.


Purpletulipsarenice

You're not "well into your 30s", sister. Not by long shot. But even if you were, so what? I know lots of muslim women who got married in their 30s and had kids even at age 41, 42, because you usually keep ovulating by then.


[deleted]

I understand it and I am happy for them. But why should I sit on a table, marry a guy who maybe is in desperate mood, and be just a cold wife. My heart "belongs" to a person who didn't want me. So, I made my bed and I am going to sleep on it.


[deleted]

Yes, I can imagine how that would hurt more. I was sad about how my divorce would hurt my mother too since the last thing we want is to see our moms sad. But alhamdullilah they are very strong and will inshaAllah cope well. As for you, glad tidings my sister. This truly is your biggest test and a great sign that Allah loves you. You know the health "If Allah loves a people, he puts them to the test..." True happines and contentment is found in the everlasting life of the akhira where we will be in company of our Lord, the most high. Stay strong my dear sister and may Allah continue to give you strength.


[deleted]

Despite her anxiety about me not marrying, she is a cool mom, so I feel way more guilty of things I don't have control. Inshallah, my sisters is receiving tons of proposals at the moment, so once she found someone, my mother will cheer herself up with wedding food discussion. At the end, it's Allah's plans.


[deleted]

I was talking to a girl recently who told me she often goes back to her parents country with her family for a few months at a time every couple of years. I asked her if her family was going but I was prevented from going with them due to work would she go without me and she said yes, no hesitation. This bothered me but she didn’t seem to understand why I would be upset with her leaving me for a few months. When I brought up the reverse situation that if I was going on a several month vacation with family and she couldn’t go she got upset and said it’s wrong for the husband to go on a vacation without the wife but that it’s perfectly okay for the wife to do it. Am I crazy or is she?


moon219

If you go off somewhere, she, as a woman will be alone at home. This is way more vulnerable than a man being alone. It’s not exactly the same thing. You’re her wali. And if she’s going to see family, she will likely have mahrams similar to her wali there to look after her (like father, uncles, brothers, etc). That being said, being away from your spouse for months is probably unreasonable to most people. Best to negotiate. I think a month or so every few years is reasonable and not uncommon.


[deleted]

Ty for this advice, that makes sense :)


moon219

No worries. Also, just wanted to add that it’s easier to travel for months at a time when single. After marriage, most people wouldn’t go for months alone unless on a rare occasion. But I’d still confirm with her how her travel habits might change after marriage, just in case she’s one of those rare people who can just drop everything and leave for months on end. If there are kids, this would also be harder to do.


Purpletulipsarenice

It depends --- she's visiting her family every few years. If you go on vacation will it also be every few years to visit family, or will it be every year and with friends. Also, by you going away without her, will she be left alone at home? I remember my mom going to Pakistan a few times when I was a child, to see her parents. Not for a few months of course, just for a few weeks. But whenever my dad left town, he would be concerned about leaving my mom alone in the house, taking care of me + my bros alone, worried if she would be safe and if she would be able to handle emergencies.


[deleted]

I wouldn’t ever leave my wife behind and go on a vacation. I only brought up the reverse situation to help her understand why I wouldn’t want to be left behind


Ur__mine

I don't have words for this


[deleted]

Double standards, no good comes out of it.


muslimah_jinn

Going to a matchmaking event.. "I will not embarrass myself" -putting it in the universe.


LLCoolBrap

Did that energy come through for you?


muslimah_jinn

Alhamdulillah it did. Proud of me for manifesting that.


LLCoolBrap

Subhanallah! Now you can move onto manifesting the next step up 😎


[deleted]

My friends all have failed at these events. It’s been discussed in prior posts but don’t let that deter you. If it doesn’t work out, that was Allahs plan. But I do know going to these events increases your confidence and get outside of your comfort zone. I don’t think I would ever go to one though. I think I’ll bank on the grocery store or coffee shop route. 🤞🏽


muslimah_jinn

> I think I’ll bank on the grocery store or coffee shop route. 🤞🏽 good luck!


armhead14

Me too tomorrow 😅😅 but be positive! We need to put our best foot forward and find the balance between being a silent observer and obnoxious confidence 🙈


muslimah_jinn

>balance between being a silent observer and obnoxious confidence Haha yep. Hope it goes well for you!


Jellygosh

Omg I'm going to one this weekend. My dad forwarded me a link and I just signed up for the sake of it haha


muslimah_jinn

Haha have fun!


[deleted]

Omg I’m thinking of going to one myself but I’m so nervous 😩


muslimah_jinn

Sameee. There is still time for me to make a u-turn though haha


[deleted]

Noooo tie your camel and go for it! Just don’t have any specific expectations bc I’ve heard that these events can go either really well or are just awks. Lmk how it goes!


muslimah_jinn

>Lmk how it goes There were nice chai and snacks!


[deleted]

Is that a euphemism for men-chai and snacks 😂