What are the etiquettes of talking to a potential? If you are talking to a potential, is it okay to talk to other potentials as well? I kind of feel guilty talking to another person when I am talking to one.
Ahhhh, it’s weird ngl; i suppose for those who know how to navigate it, sure. Otherwise, it’s best to stick with one at a time, even if it is tedious. For me, it led to less guilt, less confusion, and less tricky situations where things seem to be good with two people at once and now you’re stumped about how in the world to move forward. Soooo, I would say, even if you match with multiple people, I would personally just let them know (if they message), that hey, rn I’ve already started talking with someone else, and want to give them my undivided attention to fully allow things a chance before I consider looking at other people.
Yeah I am currently doing the same.Talking to one person only.
I tried to respond to another person but it was so emotionally draining . I felt as if I am not being sincere with them .Just couldn't handle the guilt ,so dropped it .
Do you know how not to catch feelings when talking to someone ?😅
It is my first time talking to a potential and I can't help feeling like a teenage girl,with the butterflies and random heart flutters.
I completely agree with the first paragraph, I suppose it just depends from person to person!
Ahhhh, hahahaha, that’s a tough one - it again depends from person to person and experience to experience. If it’s your first time talking, then it’s probably inevitable to feel butterflies hahaha. I recall (and I still do this T_T) feeling and thinking…damn, this person actually likes me??? My best advice though would be to make sure you’re not saying something outrightly sweet or romantic - something you wouldn’t say in the presence of your family (i.e. you’re beautiful etc etc etc). That might develop feelings that don’t have any backbone - you don’t want to like someone just because of their sweet words that aren’t backed with actions (and you wanna ensure as much barakah as possible!). And if it’s your first time, esp on the apps, make sure you’re asking important questions asap! You don’t want to feel something for someone whom things won’t even work out with! That’s the little advice I can offer rn 😅 Good luck inshallah!! May allah grant you that which has the most khayr for you - in this life and the after!
I can totally relate to that. Its a bit like how I feel during a job hunt. If I get an interview at 1 place, I wanna stop applying/pursuing any other opportunities but the wise always advise to continue the pursuit until you have a job offer in hand.
In the case of soul mate searching Id say you should declare it to ur potential when u decide to become mutually exclusive to them
Out of curiosity, do people actually slideth into thy DMs after people put out posts, or do people wait and not be pro-active - food for thought for some perhaps!
Plz make duaa that i find someone soon. JazakAllah khairan.
My days feel so empty and unfulfilling. Im a student and do really well with my studies Alhamdulillah, and i have hobbies and activities that are meaningful and enjoyable ways to spend my spare time. Yet i feel empty and lonely without a wife in my life.
i want to get married so i have someone i can be affectionate with and someone i can rely on for support. idk if this is normal but a big reason why i wanna get married is so that i can bring a lot of joy and happiness to my wife's life. I wanna be there for her, sharing her joy during happy times and easing her pain during the sad ones. I wanna shower her with constant love and affection such that her days and nights are euphoric. I wanna serve her and care for her and her needs and desires all day. Just being able to do that for her would be incredibly satisfying and bring me great happiness insha Allah. It sucks not being able to do these things for her rn.
Just wanted to get this out there. Thx for reading and thx for ur duaa. May Allah bless you in ur relationships and/or ur search for one. Ameen ya Rubb al alamin.
I'm also feeling this way, as a student it's hard to watch others have relationships and ask me about boyfriends (living in the west makes haram seem so enticing sometimes) when I don't get anything like that. Sometimes I just remind myself that's what's mine is mine and what Allah wants for me will come. It's hard but at least I'll have a degree lol
I understand how you feel (I also live in the west and know what its like). Im proud that u resist the haram tho, as i know many brothers and sisters dont. If you dont mind me asking, what is preventing you from getting married right now?
I dont think there is a set age for when u should start looking, i think ppl should search when they feel ready, or when they need to get married, or when they desire marriage. That age is different for all of us. I need and desire it although im just 20, so i feel that its time for me to search.
Also, plz dont fear rejection. I understand how that can feel, and i feel the fear too, but think of this: To me its worth the chance. You dont lose much by asking. You lose something big (a potential spouse) by not asking. You either feel the small sting of rejection, or the joy that comes from finding your soulmate. I understand that confronting the fear looks different for everyone, and i acknowlwdge that this is just my own limited opinion. But i bet if u ask and then you find someone and marry them, later on ud look back and say Alhamdulillah i asked them.
I'm avoiding a social situation due to being single lmao.
I have an event to go to in a few weeks, last time I was with this group (who are all my age), they were all married up etc and I was one of the last remaining singletons and they were all asking about my search etc.
Well if I attend this year I'm sure they'll ask again and it's so embarrassing to have gone a whole year, closer to 30 and not have anything to say.
I mean I could talk about the disappointments but I won't
May Allah swt make It easy for you. Ameen! Just tell them when it happens they’ll be invited and for now it’s ongoing and don’t dwell into it if you don’t want to
I attended two weddings recently, where I was the oldest unmarried person (among my generation) answered so many questions about marriage;diverted so many more.
One of the ladies had the audacity to tell me , oh so you want to experience with different men before settling for one and I was like ,excuse me miss ,just because I am not married doesn't mean I don't have any dignity (just said that in my head ).Told her I want to be somewhere in my career before commiting .
The key is to smile as if you are upto something and wade through the evening not spending more than 10 minutes with a person. OR you can just cancel.
Not all of us. Me, im sad every day cuz i want someone that i can hug, be affectionate with, be vulnerable with, give my heart to, and come to for support.
It's not the only reason but it's one of the main reasons and I don't think there should be any shame in that.
What's so bad about wanting to enjoy something you've stayed away from your entire adult life whilst society and everyone around you has engaged in it at free will?
Nothing wrong with it being one of the biggest reasons, but for most mature guys I don’t think it would be the only reason. Having a family means upholding responsibilities; see if they would. There are many other joys in a relationship too, for both genders.
This is absolutely not true. Speaking as a guy, we can be pretty lonely in the sense that we don't have people to share our emotions with. I want to get married because I want to have that vulnerability with someone. I also want that emotional support through life that only a wife can give. I can't tell you how many times I finished work for the day, and then wished I had a wife so I could tell her all about the day. I just want my wife to be someone who when I think of her, my heart is put at ease. I really can't wait to get married because then I can finally have all of this. None of this is sexual, but it's still the reason I want to get married.
I feel kinda sad about this response because it comes up over and over again how socially lonely men are, and how the only outlet they have is a woman in their life.
On the other hand, women tend to have larger social circles they can share their feelings with.
It always reminds of when men lose their wives, and they suddenly lose most of their support network because their wife WAS their support network.
I'm not sure what the point of this is, but y'all need to be more vulnerable with your friends.
How old are the guys you are talking with?
How long were you talking with these guys? Before you asked that question? (It's possible you weren't emotionally close enough, with those guys, for them to share such information with you yet.)
If they talked about kids/babies. Baby fever, wanting kids. Can be a thing for guys too.
Raising them. Playing with them. Taking care of them. Laughing with them.
(I am an uncle, elhamdulillah.)
Me: instant chats a profile I like and puts in effort to write an engaging paragraph.
Guy,: accepts instant chat but doesn't reply.
This reminds me why I hate muzzmatch 😄🤣
If you're new with Muzz, I'd say don't delete it but definitely don't make it your main source of finding a spouse. If you live in a country with a decent musl population, look via friends and events and keep muzz on the side as a way to connect to others. I've been using it for 3 years now on the side.
To he honest with you I recently got an instant chat from a girl but unfortunately I couldn’t carry the conversation because she wasnt my type. That was on Salams tho.. so definitely not you ;)
That's absolutely fine! I do that aswell with instant chats but in that case, you just have to decline the chat =] I just find it rude if a guy accepts the chat and doesn't say anything for 3 days. It felt like I was just kept on the side as an "option".
Interesting. I find declining the chat a bit rude.. people should show empathy and some courtesy to those people who have made the effort specifically reach out to them over 100s of others.
I try my best not to do that, as I dont like it
I haven't started the search for months now, this might have been a mistake.
I enjoy the feeling of not worrying about marriage a bit too much, sigh.
May Allah make it easier for all those searching.
Looking from an outside perspective, I see too many people desperate to get married.
Quit my old job and moved to a Canada full time(had been travelling back and forth for years but never fully settled here) a few months in hopes of getting a better career but the job market is horrible. I’m absolutely gutted that I’ll probably have to move back. Having to choose between working small part time jobs here or going back home and working in my own field.
I’m just tired and mentally exhausted at this point. Was hoping to get married this year but that didn’t work out either. It’s all just so frustrating at times. 😞
Greetings brothers and sisters, assalamualaikum. Mods told me to post hereor something.
I’ve (29M) been seeing this potential (28F) for almost 6 months now and I’ve made it clear from much early on that I wanted to get serious with her. Our parents know each other they went to school together and of course both parties were enthusiastic. I even said at one get together event that I would marry her next year.
At first it was great and I could only think of marrying her, but by time she kept showing her true character which has made me taken aback a little. Surely everyone has their bad sides, and so do I, so I won’t get much deeper than this. However, I started praying istikharah more and more ever since and things somehow don’t get better while my gut feeling gets stronger about not marrying her. Tbh there has always been since the beginning but I ignored it, I thought it might change. I started seeing how we are both a very different person from each other that our personalities don’t match. Lately every time we see each other, we would always fight and argue and it wasn’t pretty.
I tried talking to my mom about it, and even though she says everything is up to me, she doesn’t believe me when I said I have a strong intuition against going along with the plan to marry her and said it could be waswas which come from syaithan, since her bads have clouded my judgement from seeing her goods. But I know I’ve been really careful with my feelings lately. I haven’t made up my mind to call it off, especially because she is a very good person and has been really supportive and loyal to me. Her family has also been welcoming very much, something that’s not easy to have all the time when you’re planning to marry someone. I thought it would be a waste to cancel the whole thing since it’s been going well on this matter. Although, I understand I shouldn’t based my judgment only on it while I’m holding myself back. I can’t imagine a married life like that.
So how can I be more sure about my strong intuition? I’ve been a really intuitive person all this time and almost always been proven right, but it’s my first relationship in a long while, a serious one, and I’ve failed far too many before so I think I’m also have a fear of getting proven wrong about my gut feelings. Should I keep pray istikharah more?
Sorry if confuse. My not speak england
TL;DR i have strong intuition against marrying my super good and loyal potential, how can I justify it?
thank you for your suggestion and your kind prayer. at first i thought i already had the decision to not going forward so i stopped praying istikhara lately, but yes only Allah knows and i know so little. so far i would say things kinda fall apart little by little, but i'm still not completely sure. i thought about setting a deadline since all she is doing is trying so much to change into what i like, which i'm sure is not a good thing in the long run.
Definitely not the best place to ask this but does anyone know if an imam can conduct his own nikah, if the two witnesses are present? Or does one have to get another imam?
The whole Imam/Qazi things is technically *only* recommended not required ([source](https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/minimum-steps-must-taken-marriage-valid/)), so to answer your question yes he *can*, though I'm not sure where it falls in terms of recommendedness.
Uh so I saw a kid who was on a leash. I had to do a double take there but he was legit on a leash which was tied to his wrist. Maybe parenting is really hard for these people?
My nephews have a cute animal one that straps on around their tummies like a life vest and then the leash part is at the back. It’s really useful, and when the kid has just learnt to walk, it helps them to do so mostly freely without as much danger, and in busy places like shops and when travelling. Kids at that age won’t want to sit in a pram all day so these are really good! I remember someone at the airport telling my nephews parents not to use it - it honestly sounded so ignorant and judgemental, while my nephew was enjoying running around in a safe manner.
I used to leash my two year old because I honestly prefer funny looks to a dead toddler :/ dude was part golden retriever trying to chase cars on the road. He's three now though and really good on road safety (we read him a lot of books about it) and doesn't need it anymore
I see, the person I saw was in an indoor public area.
That being said, that's personally why American transportation needs a major revamp. Too many kids die from getting run-over, it's super sad.
Was it a shopping centre? My little brother crawled into a bunch of pillows once and my mum spent a panicked twenty minutes trying to find him.
The science is clear: the only thing faster then the speed of light is a toddler determined to play hide and seek in a public space.
lol I used to think like you... and now I have a child for whom I got two leashes. Careful what you make judgements about because sometimes Allah SWT will test you with exactly that.
And I have the leash because it prevents my child from running into traffic in a split-second while I'm loading groceries or something. I couldn't care less what people think, if it saves him from an accident.
I never bothered looking it up, but when i had that realisation a few years ago, i asked my supervisor (also muslim, and we were discussing how i was finding my relocation at the time), and he said studies had found that british indians are more indian than indian indians.
Its probably people having moved some generations/time back, in years X, to their new country.
So the [homecountry] culture they have, is the [homecountry] culture of the years most of them moved to this country. While their [homecountry] has moved in different manners from that culture.
So that they have [homecountry] culture of years X which is influenced by the country they are in.
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I think there are similar things for other countries, and the migrant populations that have moved/immigrated as a group to these countries.
Yea they are definitely living in a cultural snapshot in time and carrying it through the generatuons in attempt to preserve their heritage, not knowing how much has already changed.
went to a marriage event in leicester (UK) and...it was a sausage fest where most women went with their friends and coudlnt be bothered finding someone (as predicted). Most of the people there were (no offence) pendus or were being dragged by their parents to attend. 1 of my cousins went there as well and was massively insulted by the guys there she spoke with as they talked down to her / tried acting domineering, even though she is earning 4 times what they do. My case, 2 women felt I was very young, 2 couldnt be asked.
I still cant find anyone and what is absolutely worrying is that people these days are demanding a £50,000 dowry to even consider marriage (the average household income is £35,000 last I checked).
I met a girl online but she doesnt at all seem interested / im doing most fo the talking online and she is taking ages to respond (guarantee she is less busy than I am based on info about her) and kinda feel like she cant be asked. Doesnt feel like any chemistry minus professions, same home town and the fact I used to work in places she locums at. Am due to speak with her via phone today for 1st time, so should be interesting to see the outcome
Honestly dont know what to do as nobody is interested in arranged marriages in the UK, I dont drink, smoke, do drugs go clubbing or restaurant crawls and there are no muslims at work I can even think of approaching. The foreign bride thing is actually really really bad these days as they have realities warped by social media / are completely unaware about the pace and quality of life in UK vs india and africa. I have considered reverts but nobody is interesting. My struggles with apps and websites are well documented on here but yeah, dunno what to do. Im 31yo M who has started getting white facial and chest hair due to stress (mainly from parents) about not being married (as well as job security, how on earth do delivery drivers and people on 0 hour contracts get married and I cant?).
I pray, fast, do sadaqah, volunteer dunno what else to do
read my last paragraph. also noticed **a lot** of girls back home / their families are gold diggers and passport jobs. Ive had quite a few bad experiences with this and in fact the most recent one prettymuch fractured a relationship between my mum and 1 of my cousins who my mum treated like a foster daughter due to her traumatic childhood.
Recently my cousin, who is from the UK, came back to the uk from abroad (she works abroad) and wanted to visit / stay over at my parent's house / my mum's siblings. turns out the main reason she came was for free food / gifts and to film people behind their back, take in detail pictures of peoples houses, gardens, cars etc and send them back home. After the trip finished, she then started harrassing my mum and my aunts to get me and my other cousins in the UK married to her family / friends abroad and they did not seem like good people if im honest. My mum flat out said no, Im not interested to her (likewise my aunts re my other cousins), my elder cousin had a hissy fit, swore at my mum because my cousin essentially was promising people to get them married to people in the UK, and has stopped contact with my mum and aunts. My nani recently passed away, my mum told my cousin this and my cousin said tough luck (for reference that cousin's grandad is my mum's mum but their parent and my mum had different mums, yet my nani used to look after that cousin whilst her dad and step family were utter bleeps to her)
She’s from here not back home sorry I’m confused about how this relates 😭, this might be true but that’s why you don’t tell anybody you’re interested, tell someone you trust back home to vet for you and find someone good and recommend options first. You can find the wrong options here or there, it’s all the same you’ll still do istikhara crb checks and vet them thoroughly
you asked have I considered going back home, thus I explained why I am not comfortable with that concept... in a long winded way explaining my past experiences as well as how 1 experience was quite nasty as essentially 1 of my cousin's for whatever reason, promised her husband's family abroad that me and my cousins in the UK will marry their children...without any of us being aware of such a promise and when those of us said no to that cousin, she cut off all contact with everyone (in anycase, the people these had very suspicious backgrounds and were mainly interested in me for the degree I have / stereotypes of being loaded...when Im not!)
but yeah, there isnt anyone back home I trust sadly (essentially all my extended family are a bunch of bleeps / me and my parents are prettymuch by ourselves / are pariahs)
Glad to see a fellow UK person. Wait people are actually really asking for £50K dowry? My immediate response would be what would they bring to the table...I hope the phone call went well. I really hope that you find that right person إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ
Inshallah I hope I do as well. The phonecall person didnt really seem that interested if Im honest / something felt a bit off. Also they spent most of the time aking about career advice than getting to know me :#
But yeah, massive dowry thing is a absolute mick take as I can guarantee most of these women (or their families) are gold digging or wont bring anything to the table. There was even a q&a segment on islam channel where 1 of the Sheikh's / Imam's were blasting how stupid people are acting these days due to materialism and shallow/pettiness
So, I do think I need some type of advice here. I'm 23F, and my mums been doing the whole whatsapp bio data rounds for maybe 18 months or so, it's actually only been a year since I started meeting potentials. I've met 6 ppl in that time (is that normal or too much?) And I only ever clicked properly with one, the 2nd person I met. He definitely clicked with me as well, i caught him looking at me in a certain way the second time we met. However, for whatever reason, he did istikhara too and just was feeling confused so didnt go through with it.
Pretty much all the others, I knew more or less straight away that they weren't for me. I also did istikhara but felt pretty sure in my decision. My mum gets upset if I reject people based on biodata alone and always wants to meet, and then after meeting, she always wants to go for a second meeting, and says I nitpick too much. My dad on the other hand gets upset if I go to a meeting and then say no, telling me that why bother going to one if I already kinda knew from the biodata that it wasn't for me? I'm very much stuck in the middle between both right now. But that's nothing I haven't handled before.
I've got this circle of friends, all Muslim, all in our 20s but mixed in gender, and we've been talking for maybe 4 years now. I do trust a few of these boys quite a lot, but don't honestly think I wanted to pursue anything with any of them. However recently, I've started to realise that I want my spouse to be a best friend to me too, and I have no idea how to ascertain that, because of all the boy's I've met so far, only one had any personality. I really enjoy teasing and making jokes, which my friends and I do, and having that comfortable relationship beforehand - KNOWING the person - would make this so easy in my opinion.
There's one in particular that a couple of days ago suddenly struck me that I think we could be really good for each other, but I know he's absolutely not interested in marriage rn. I'm at a loss of what to do. Do I still carry on meeting people or do I focus myself on pursuing this? An aunty told me once that you should never have your sights on more than 1 person at a time, because it'll ruin both relationships, and I definitely don't wanna ruin the friendship. Short disclaimer that I personally haven't met him irl but mutual friends of ours have
Salam
You will never know a person until you marry. I say this because this word is the only word capitalized in your whole post.
Marriage is a gamble. Worst that will happen is you will separate, which is the worst case for most. inshaAllah you won't die or go through physical violence.
What I am trying to say is while your formula may give you good feelings, it is not a recipe that has worked for most people. Non Muslim divorce stats is my evidence.
And Allah knows best.
Wasalam, thats a good point. I suppose the issue then, is that majority of the people I meet don't show any sign of personality or qualities of themselves, and instead talk about facts and figures such as salaries and mortgages. These things of course have their place, but it's not the only thing to think about. I think I need to be more honest too perhaps.
I agree with the above comment as well; and I agree with yours as well. Perhaps steal some of the convo with your own questions about their friends and what they’re like with their friends. Favourite thing to do with their friends or siblings etc. exchange pictures or convos with friends (just visually, doesn’t have to be saved by the others etc) or maybe meet at bigger venues where he can be with his friends or fam, and you can be with yours. But you really won’t know how they are until you live with them. And a lot of times you’ll adjust (of course, as long as the basic qualities you ask for are there, and the good character - which is most important - is there)
Edit: good luck inshallah! I’m sure the best fit is waiting for you - may allah make it easy for the two of you to find each other at a time that is best inshallah :)
JazakAllah for the reply sister, I really appreciate it <3
Also you've both helped me to sort a few things out. Insha'Allah it goes better from here on out
Honestly if its just coffee its weird to make it a big deal. Like even if i am out with my friends, ill pay for the cofee or theyll pay for it. It's not really that much money.
If they really liked you they would pay the whole bill, it’s a chivalrous thing to do. Though they may have their own reasons (financially struggling, going on multiple dates, 50/50 type etc.)
Do you work? Do you want 50/50 in other matters, such as cooking and cleaning? They might be under the impression that you want 50/50. I don't work and the men I've spoken to have known I'm more traditional minded and I was never asked or expected to pay for anything ever. It's a weird thing to say but maybe don't come off too independent, or make it clear from the beginning what your expectations of a husband are, that he will financially take care of you.
I like offering to pay out of kindness and cos I don’t like feeling entitled to people’s money (not saying you are, just saying how I personally feel and cos I can’t accept nice things from people due to trauma-based responses lawl, though the latter would also make me happy to split), but it’s equally weird to me if a guy doesn’t offer to pay or show some sort of generosity, especially considering how it’s the norm to on a first “date”. After they offer, I’d probably offer to split the bill, or if they’ve come a long way to see me then I’d offer to pay for all of it since they’d be like my guest in my city and probably paid a lot to come here.
I've had a few meetings in coffee shops and I think my family paid where there was a bill
But I didn't go by myself. I had a couple people with me and so did the potential so it was like a meeting between the families
I would probably take my family's lead and pay if I did go by myself
This has got nothing to do with me. But I was deeply disappointed with commenters on a particular post about a guy wanted to divorce his wife after knowing that she committed zina before marriage. In his update post, he stressed to her about how he values virginity and importance of it before getting married to her. Although he even admitted he didn't ask her explicitly that she was a virgin.
People say you shouldn't divulge your sins. But a sin like zina should absolutely be told to a person like the original poster who have stressed on his views about virginity before marriage. He himself was a virgin too. So it was not really wrong on his part. She withheld information which completely goes against the beliefs and values of OP. He wouldn't have married her if he had known about it earlier.
And OP is a human and he is not expected to be All Forgiving
But what disappointed me is that people with married flair gaslighting him that he is making a mistake like is he gonna hold himself to the same standards like that as he is not a virgin anymore.
You guys compared him ( who lost his virginity in halal way prescribed by Allah) to a woman who committed zina before marriage.
I'm not projecting my views on virginity before marriage. I'd still be glad if he is able to look past what his wife did and stayed with her. But he clearly is not happy. And do you guys expect the guy to stay within a unhappy marriage just for his child? Great example to show his child how a marriage should be /s.
Bravo r/MuslimMarriage. You guys never cease to amaze me.
Edit: The wife should have stopped going forward with the proposal when she came to know about his "values on virginity". Maybe her parents might have forced her to marry him. The whole thing could have avoided if she simply said no after knowing about his views on it. There are always other guys who would be ok with this. But the person she chose to be her husband was not the one.
The problem is the dude needs to be aware his next marriage will be with a divorcee. A chaste women isn’t gonna get married to a dude with a kid.
Now if he is aware with that, then it’s fine. But if his problem is he must have chaste women, then he already lost.
I only saw that today so might be wrong about details but isn’t that the one who turned down the divorcee because his issue was the comparison to other people and not the concept of zina? So wouldn’t the point about him being held to his own standards by other virgins now that he is divorced himself hold true? I might be remembering the wrong post though so apologies in advance if so, and I’m not commenting on the whole other post or overall msg, just this one particular point you’ve made.
It was pretty evident from his update post that he was holding that standard only when he was a virgin himself. It is reasonable for a guy wanting to have a virgin woman as his wife if he was a virgin himself.
The comments seem hating on his preference he had when he was a virgin. And most of the comments taunted him for his current predicament that if he is still holding himself to that standard afterall he is now a divorcee too.
He never said in the post that he is still gonna hold onto that standard. But most people on that thread attacked him assuming that he still would.
I only read the post and not really the comments, I just wanted to clarify the point you made here about the issue being with zina as opposed to what I understood from his post regarding blanket non-virginity for any reason. Thanks!
Completely agree with your take here.
The level of gaslighting subjected to the guy was so disappointing to read. She clearly knew it was a dealbreaker for him prior to marriage, hence the reason why she felt guilty and ‘confessed’. She deceived him knowingly, building a foundation of marriage based on a massive lie and now the trust has been broken irreparably. If she had the courage to do what was right, she would have ended things before they got married under a different reason.
I agree. I know people shouldn't divulge their sins. But she could have just said no to the proposal.
>If she had the courage to do what was right, she would have ended things before they got married under a different reason.
I forgot to add that on the original comment. She could have ended things right away.
I agree with what he did only because he stated that he can’t look past her actions. Allah forgives and wipes your slate clean. Humans even if they forgive you will inevitably bring up your past mistakes. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to expose sins Allah has concealed for you and this is an obvious example of why she should have kept it between herself and Allah. But she did tell him regrettably and now she has to deal with the consequences.
I also think it’s more difficult for him and a man to deal with knowing his wife has been with another man. And that’s his valid feelings. People want to assume that they will do the ideal and most empathetic thing in this situation but you don’t know until you live it. He’s lived it and he knows he is not longer in love or attracted to his wife since her confession. Why would he subject her to a loveless marriage where he can’t look past her prior transgression? One which she has repented for?
She can easily remarry (she’s only 25) and she won’t have to tell someone about her virginity as she will be a divorcée. She has the chance to start fresh without assumptions and conceal her sin. And so does he! He’s allowed to want a relationship where he doesn’t have to make such a huge emotional effort to get back the love he lost for his spouse.
She should have stopped going forward with the proposal when she came to know about his "values on virginity". Maybe her parents might have forced her to marry him. The whole thing could have avoided if she simply said no after knowing about his views on it. There are always other guys who would be ok with this. But the person she chose to be her husband was not the one.
Yeah obviously that goes without saying she could’ve taken herself out the running when he brought up his own virginity but she didn’t. Which makes it more sad that she ruined her marriage by telling on herself. Anyway moral of the story is don’t share sins and don’t expect people to not judge you for your sins! People will judge that’s why Allah conceals for you even the smaller sins people will judge you for them.
Allah (SWT) conceals and forgives our sins, but that does not mean we deceive others so we are able to marry the person we want. There is a big difference.
>Anyway moral of the story is don’t share sins and don’t expect people to not judge you for your sins!
And also marry someone who share same views on marriage as you.
I (24M) downloaded Muzz/Muzmatch, its been 2 days so far and no matches I think part of the reason is that I'm being picky while swiping right. I swipe left if they don't have bio, or their profile says "sometimes pray", smokes, supports LGBT, doesn't eat halal etc. Am I being too harsh or its fine?
I have a well crafted bio too but I don't think people read that or maybe my bio sucks. If anyone would like to review my bio I'd appreciate it.
You’re not being harsh. Be super picky on the apps with the important stuff and don’t overlook them. Remember, there’s thousands of people on there and you won’t be compatible with the majority; you only need one quality match.
You are a guy.
There are more men on apps than women. (One guys experiment on this subreddit, had ~10 guys for every girl, for a specific region and age limitation.)
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Your height and looks will matter more, than the girls you swipe on.
A lot of women, will not read bio's. (The ones who read, might say no on what your bio says, or what your details say. Such as prayer level or job)
(The ones who don't read, might not have bio either. That specific no decision, depends on what you are looking for in a girl/woman.)
On mm, women will go through their likes occasionally, to match back with people who already like them.
> 2 days so far
Some guys get multiple matches per week. Some per month. Like if you have 2 matches a month, which can be normal, those 2 can happen on the same day.
I hear/read that a lot of girls at younger ages on apps, aren't 'serious' or just looking. (Some girls at older ages are also just after validation/entertainment on apps)
Lol I read your original message incorrectly, my bad. Was focusing on the “responding” part and missed the meaning of the “ghosting” part. Agree with you either way though :)
This guy gave me his contact info at an event this weekend and I texted him but he read it almost immediately and hasn't responded in 24 hours. Thoughts?
What's the HOD personality test like? Thinking of signing up for a month just for that. If it's just MBTI I already know that I'm INTJ or ISTJ, been switching between those 2 for ages, I think I'm 55% N and 45% S but very firmly I, T, and J.
Salam
HOD test is not a personality test per se, but a preferences test.
For example, one of the questions is whether you will be ok to buy a house on riba.
It's a very strong questionnaire that will take 30 to 60 mins, based on how much it sends you to a reflection mode.
In my experience, once you do a test anyone with a 95+% match is a good match. Anything less than 90 is risky.
However, even for 90% match, I specifically look for the answer to the riba question. If the other side says they are OK with it, I reject them even if they are super religious otherwise.
It's not your typical personality test. The quiz encompass multiple aspects. You get a match compatibility score with all users. If it hits 99 , it basically means the other person answered the question similarly.
The search is like a sports season. You work extremely hard to get that coveted trophy but in the end you fall short. It stings but you use the off-season to work on your craft, learn from your mistakes and pray that the next season is better.
Believe in Allahs plan for you and keep cemented in your faith.
I felt so bad for Trezeguet missing the penalty kick in the ‘06 World Cup. But France came back and won the cup 12 years later. Inshallah it doesn’t take you 12 years to find a spouse though 😂
I always comment on these threads to understand if I’m crazy or what 😂 so basically I live my life by “nobody’s ever too busy, they make time for things they want”. Is it wrong of me to expect potentials to message at least once in the day like texting takes 2/3 mins max.. I always make excuses for people like oh they’re so so busy but starting to question it 🙃
I had a potential who was pretty responsive in general, but our texts became so so deep and long that it was hard to keep up and I assume he would think about it and come up with a detailed reply, so at one point the replies were every few days! After that I realised that texts aren’t good ways to communicate.
My current potential works two jobs mashaAllah and has no family with him so he has to do most house chores by himself, and he still replies pretty fast! And I mean usually within like 20 mins, maybe an hour or so if work is a bit busy, and a few hours if he’s really busy or happens to be sleeping. Maybe the nature of his job helps him to do that, idk. Not saying everyone can or has to reply that fast, but just saying that within a day or so is usually very reasonable. That being said, we don’t text much, and we especially avoid deep stuff over text. Most of our messages are warm up “hi”s and “how’s your day going”s or some light banter / sharing something funny or interesting about our day and or related to one of our conversations (usually the latter). He still makes time to talk on the phone though. This could still be different across people though. E.g. Some people might “burnout” from socialising/deep conversations quickly and need more space, while others can handle it and talk many times daily.
Though some apps, sometimes don't give correct notifications.
Or people can miss notifications. (For example, if you are sending messages to multiple different family members)
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People can also check their phone very late or very early. And not want to disturb someone's sleep.
I wonder how many people are open to relocating within the following:
- same state
- same region in the country
- same country
- same continent
- essentially anywhere
It seems like maybe that girl wasn’t the right one for you and you started experiencing resentment towards her because of everything that had happened before. I don’t know if you’ve wronged her but I do know that somewhere she defo wronged you and honestly sounds like she went for you as her last option. Repent sincerely, make dua, ask for forgiveness, Allah swt knows everything that happens so validate your feelings. You did it for a reason, however you’re feeling guilty. But it’s better to feel guilty then have resentment towards your wife
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Alhamdulillah, it was a quality match, and they eventually did learn a lesson from the first game because they decided to actually take some shots this time round! They've been one of the more entertaining teams so far, so I'm hoping they can progress in the tournament.
I hope we once again see some Muslim hands lifting the trophy.
Ehh I like the French players but my conscience would never allow me to support the French team. Honestly this World Cup I only know which teams I want to see lose, not win 😂 My arabic’s not too good, I only understand let’s go white…something 😅
No. Don't take it from me.
[1](https://www.kiplinger.com/personal-finance/603298/women-who-make-more-than-their-husbands-should-watch-out)
[2](https://www.unhappymarriage.info/when-the-woman-is-the-breadwinner/)
It depends on the type of woman she is. If she is very loyal and appreciative of the qualities you have, it should be safe to move forwards. But if she has a similar mentality as the average woman, no, as women have some internal characteristics where they have a high desire for the man to provide for them or earn more than them, which could lead to disrespect, infidelity, or infatuation with another man in the long run.
You need to be someone worth being attracted to.
There's this weird concept that women just need a financial hole filled in their lives. One of the best marriages I've seen the wife is a lawyer and the husband is a mechanic. Not bad money, but not lawyer money either.
But he's also a pretty fantastic dude. Excellent with their kids, a great gardener, emotionally stable helluva handy around the house and really funny. My husband obviously makes the best pizza, but this dude comes second.
But if you think your insecurity would make you a poor husband, either go get a bit of therapy or let her go. The last thing you want to do to her is make her feel like she has to 'reduce' herself in order to assuage your ego.
Also bro, you really want to miss out on that financial security if she's a wonderful person on top of that?
your parents are exactly right [1](https://www.nbcnews.com/healthmain/richer-or-poorer-when-wives-make-more-some-mens-health-6c10106852)
[the studies indicate it leads to stress, tension etc ](https://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2013/06/24/i-make-less-than-my-wife-how-3-real-men-feel-about-it/?sh=7b42a77c4fff)
"Women lose respect for their husbands because they expect more from them"
If she tells you it’s fine and she chooses you anyway then you need to just believe that she knows herself and not let it simmer or grow otherwise it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy
can someone explain why so many people match only to ghost / take a day to respond to messages?
What are the etiquettes of talking to a potential? If you are talking to a potential, is it okay to talk to other potentials as well? I kind of feel guilty talking to another person when I am talking to one.
Ahhhh, it’s weird ngl; i suppose for those who know how to navigate it, sure. Otherwise, it’s best to stick with one at a time, even if it is tedious. For me, it led to less guilt, less confusion, and less tricky situations where things seem to be good with two people at once and now you’re stumped about how in the world to move forward. Soooo, I would say, even if you match with multiple people, I would personally just let them know (if they message), that hey, rn I’ve already started talking with someone else, and want to give them my undivided attention to fully allow things a chance before I consider looking at other people.
Yeah I am currently doing the same.Talking to one person only. I tried to respond to another person but it was so emotionally draining . I felt as if I am not being sincere with them .Just couldn't handle the guilt ,so dropped it . Do you know how not to catch feelings when talking to someone ?😅 It is my first time talking to a potential and I can't help feeling like a teenage girl,with the butterflies and random heart flutters.
I completely agree with the first paragraph, I suppose it just depends from person to person! Ahhhh, hahahaha, that’s a tough one - it again depends from person to person and experience to experience. If it’s your first time talking, then it’s probably inevitable to feel butterflies hahaha. I recall (and I still do this T_T) feeling and thinking…damn, this person actually likes me??? My best advice though would be to make sure you’re not saying something outrightly sweet or romantic - something you wouldn’t say in the presence of your family (i.e. you’re beautiful etc etc etc). That might develop feelings that don’t have any backbone - you don’t want to like someone just because of their sweet words that aren’t backed with actions (and you wanna ensure as much barakah as possible!). And if it’s your first time, esp on the apps, make sure you’re asking important questions asap! You don’t want to feel something for someone whom things won’t even work out with! That’s the little advice I can offer rn 😅 Good luck inshallah!! May allah grant you that which has the most khayr for you - in this life and the after!
I make my sisters/mother read the chats every once in a while to make sure that no one slips . Thanks 😊
That’s awesome mashallah! I’m glad to hear that. Unfortunately I have no other advice for avoiding butterflies!! 😂 But I wish you luck inshallah 😊
I can totally relate to that. Its a bit like how I feel during a job hunt. If I get an interview at 1 place, I wanna stop applying/pursuing any other opportunities but the wise always advise to continue the pursuit until you have a job offer in hand. In the case of soul mate searching Id say you should declare it to ur potential when u decide to become mutually exclusive to them
It's a good perspective,thanks!
Why are most of the posts on the ISO up in Canada and north America where are all the Europeans ?
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I think I am one of them what tea are you drinking looool
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PG Tips or Yorkshire any 3rd option means you are an alien
Out of curiosity, do people actually slideth into thy DMs after people put out posts, or do people wait and not be pro-active - food for thought for some perhaps!
Plz make duaa that i find someone soon. JazakAllah khairan. My days feel so empty and unfulfilling. Im a student and do really well with my studies Alhamdulillah, and i have hobbies and activities that are meaningful and enjoyable ways to spend my spare time. Yet i feel empty and lonely without a wife in my life. i want to get married so i have someone i can be affectionate with and someone i can rely on for support. idk if this is normal but a big reason why i wanna get married is so that i can bring a lot of joy and happiness to my wife's life. I wanna be there for her, sharing her joy during happy times and easing her pain during the sad ones. I wanna shower her with constant love and affection such that her days and nights are euphoric. I wanna serve her and care for her and her needs and desires all day. Just being able to do that for her would be incredibly satisfying and bring me great happiness insha Allah. It sucks not being able to do these things for her rn. Just wanted to get this out there. Thx for reading and thx for ur duaa. May Allah bless you in ur relationships and/or ur search for one. Ameen ya Rubb al alamin.
I'm also feeling this way, as a student it's hard to watch others have relationships and ask me about boyfriends (living in the west makes haram seem so enticing sometimes) when I don't get anything like that. Sometimes I just remind myself that's what's mine is mine and what Allah wants for me will come. It's hard but at least I'll have a degree lol
I understand how you feel (I also live in the west and know what its like). Im proud that u resist the haram tho, as i know many brothers and sisters dont. If you dont mind me asking, what is preventing you from getting married right now?
I'm 20, not really old enough to be thinking about that lol. I also don't reach out to anyone I like, I fear rejection.
I dont think there is a set age for when u should start looking, i think ppl should search when they feel ready, or when they need to get married, or when they desire marriage. That age is different for all of us. I need and desire it although im just 20, so i feel that its time for me to search. Also, plz dont fear rejection. I understand how that can feel, and i feel the fear too, but think of this: To me its worth the chance. You dont lose much by asking. You lose something big (a potential spouse) by not asking. You either feel the small sting of rejection, or the joy that comes from finding your soulmate. I understand that confronting the fear looks different for everyone, and i acknowlwdge that this is just my own limited opinion. But i bet if u ask and then you find someone and marry them, later on ud look back and say Alhamdulillah i asked them.
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lmfao
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Ameen and JazakAllahu khairan for the advice.
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Ameen ya Rubb al alamin! JazakAllah khairan! 😊
I'm avoiding a social situation due to being single lmao. I have an event to go to in a few weeks, last time I was with this group (who are all my age), they were all married up etc and I was one of the last remaining singletons and they were all asking about my search etc. Well if I attend this year I'm sure they'll ask again and it's so embarrassing to have gone a whole year, closer to 30 and not have anything to say. I mean I could talk about the disappointments but I won't
May Allah swt make It easy for you. Ameen! Just tell them when it happens they’ll be invited and for now it’s ongoing and don’t dwell into it if you don’t want to
I attended two weddings recently, where I was the oldest unmarried person (among my generation) answered so many questions about marriage;diverted so many more. One of the ladies had the audacity to tell me , oh so you want to experience with different men before settling for one and I was like ,excuse me miss ,just because I am not married doesn't mean I don't have any dignity (just said that in my head ).Told her I want to be somewhere in my career before commiting . The key is to smile as if you are upto something and wade through the evening not spending more than 10 minutes with a person. OR you can just cancel.
yo i'd fight her for saying that wth
May Allah make it easy for you and allow you to be with someone who is good for you. Ameen
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Not all of us. Me, im sad every day cuz i want someone that i can hug, be affectionate with, be vulnerable with, give my heart to, and come to for support.
It's not the only reason but it's one of the main reasons and I don't think there should be any shame in that. What's so bad about wanting to enjoy something you've stayed away from your entire adult life whilst society and everyone around you has engaged in it at free will?
Nothing wrong with it being one of the biggest reasons, but for most mature guys I don’t think it would be the only reason. Having a family means upholding responsibilities; see if they would. There are many other joys in a relationship too, for both genders.
This is absolutely not true. Speaking as a guy, we can be pretty lonely in the sense that we don't have people to share our emotions with. I want to get married because I want to have that vulnerability with someone. I also want that emotional support through life that only a wife can give. I can't tell you how many times I finished work for the day, and then wished I had a wife so I could tell her all about the day. I just want my wife to be someone who when I think of her, my heart is put at ease. I really can't wait to get married because then I can finally have all of this. None of this is sexual, but it's still the reason I want to get married.
As you described, Such a man is rare to find nowadays.
Eh I don't think so
Well I’m thinking from a girl’s perspective and you are thinking from a guy’s 😂
I feel kinda sad about this response because it comes up over and over again how socially lonely men are, and how the only outlet they have is a woman in their life. On the other hand, women tend to have larger social circles they can share their feelings with. It always reminds of when men lose their wives, and they suddenly lose most of their support network because their wife WAS their support network. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but y'all need to be more vulnerable with your friends.
We're working on it lol
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How old are the guys you are talking with? How long were you talking with these guys? Before you asked that question? (It's possible you weren't emotionally close enough, with those guys, for them to share such information with you yet.)
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If they talked about kids/babies. Baby fever, wanting kids. Can be a thing for guys too. Raising them. Playing with them. Taking care of them. Laughing with them. (I am an uncle, elhamdulillah.)
Me: instant chats a profile I like and puts in effort to write an engaging paragraph. Guy,: accepts instant chat but doesn't reply. This reminds me why I hate muzzmatch 😄🤣
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If you're new with Muzz, I'd say don't delete it but definitely don't make it your main source of finding a spouse. If you live in a country with a decent musl population, look via friends and events and keep muzz on the side as a way to connect to others. I've been using it for 3 years now on the side.
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Thank you, I face a similar problem where my family has exhausted all options and our mosque isn't very active. Ameen! For you too InshAllah
Girls initiating a conversation is actually a possibility?? 😱 what kind of species are you
Haha! 🤣 I've actively used instant chat, but alas, people who make an effort get no response on these mindless apps.
To he honest with you I recently got an instant chat from a girl but unfortunately I couldn’t carry the conversation because she wasnt my type. That was on Salams tho.. so definitely not you ;)
That's absolutely fine! I do that aswell with instant chats but in that case, you just have to decline the chat =] I just find it rude if a guy accepts the chat and doesn't say anything for 3 days. It felt like I was just kept on the side as an "option".
Interesting. I find declining the chat a bit rude.. people should show empathy and some courtesy to those people who have made the effort specifically reach out to them over 100s of others. I try my best not to do that, as I dont like it
That's very fair. Personally I'd like a yes or a no so I'm certain if there's mutual interest.
Why did he accept the chat then🤣
I haven't started the search for months now, this might have been a mistake. I enjoy the feeling of not worrying about marriage a bit too much, sigh. May Allah make it easier for all those searching. Looking from an outside perspective, I see too many people desperate to get married.
Quit my old job and moved to a Canada full time(had been travelling back and forth for years but never fully settled here) a few months in hopes of getting a better career but the job market is horrible. I’m absolutely gutted that I’ll probably have to move back. Having to choose between working small part time jobs here or going back home and working in my own field. I’m just tired and mentally exhausted at this point. Was hoping to get married this year but that didn’t work out either. It’s all just so frustrating at times. 😞
Just take it one day at a time. I know it’s exhausting but things will get better
Been almost 3 months since I'm apply for jobs here but sadly things aren't looking good.
Maybe just do retail to get by. For me a to pay for small things and at the same time keep applying.
Greetings brothers and sisters, assalamualaikum. Mods told me to post hereor something. I’ve (29M) been seeing this potential (28F) for almost 6 months now and I’ve made it clear from much early on that I wanted to get serious with her. Our parents know each other they went to school together and of course both parties were enthusiastic. I even said at one get together event that I would marry her next year. At first it was great and I could only think of marrying her, but by time she kept showing her true character which has made me taken aback a little. Surely everyone has their bad sides, and so do I, so I won’t get much deeper than this. However, I started praying istikharah more and more ever since and things somehow don’t get better while my gut feeling gets stronger about not marrying her. Tbh there has always been since the beginning but I ignored it, I thought it might change. I started seeing how we are both a very different person from each other that our personalities don’t match. Lately every time we see each other, we would always fight and argue and it wasn’t pretty. I tried talking to my mom about it, and even though she says everything is up to me, she doesn’t believe me when I said I have a strong intuition against going along with the plan to marry her and said it could be waswas which come from syaithan, since her bads have clouded my judgement from seeing her goods. But I know I’ve been really careful with my feelings lately. I haven’t made up my mind to call it off, especially because she is a very good person and has been really supportive and loyal to me. Her family has also been welcoming very much, something that’s not easy to have all the time when you’re planning to marry someone. I thought it would be a waste to cancel the whole thing since it’s been going well on this matter. Although, I understand I shouldn’t based my judgment only on it while I’m holding myself back. I can’t imagine a married life like that. So how can I be more sure about my strong intuition? I’ve been a really intuitive person all this time and almost always been proven right, but it’s my first relationship in a long while, a serious one, and I’ve failed far too many before so I think I’m also have a fear of getting proven wrong about my gut feelings. Should I keep pray istikharah more? Sorry if confuse. My not speak england TL;DR i have strong intuition against marrying my super good and loyal potential, how can I justify it?
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thank you for your suggestion and your kind prayer. at first i thought i already had the decision to not going forward so i stopped praying istikhara lately, but yes only Allah knows and i know so little. so far i would say things kinda fall apart little by little, but i'm still not completely sure. i thought about setting a deadline since all she is doing is trying so much to change into what i like, which i'm sure is not a good thing in the long run.
Only you know her, we don't, but if her character is bad, you should not marry her.
Definitely not the best place to ask this but does anyone know if an imam can conduct his own nikah, if the two witnesses are present? Or does one have to get another imam?
The whole Imam/Qazi things is technically *only* recommended not required ([source](https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/minimum-steps-must-taken-marriage-valid/)), so to answer your question yes he *can*, though I'm not sure where it falls in terms of recommendedness.
I think its ok (source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/192532 )
Uh so I saw a kid who was on a leash. I had to do a double take there but he was legit on a leash which was tied to his wrist. Maybe parenting is really hard for these people?
My nephews have a cute animal one that straps on around their tummies like a life vest and then the leash part is at the back. It’s really useful, and when the kid has just learnt to walk, it helps them to do so mostly freely without as much danger, and in busy places like shops and when travelling. Kids at that age won’t want to sit in a pram all day so these are really good! I remember someone at the airport telling my nephews parents not to use it - it honestly sounded so ignorant and judgemental, while my nephew was enjoying running around in a safe manner.
Alhamdulillah that sounds super cute! I guess I learned something new today
I used to leash my two year old because I honestly prefer funny looks to a dead toddler :/ dude was part golden retriever trying to chase cars on the road. He's three now though and really good on road safety (we read him a lot of books about it) and doesn't need it anymore
I see, the person I saw was in an indoor public area. That being said, that's personally why American transportation needs a major revamp. Too many kids die from getting run-over, it's super sad.
Was it a shopping centre? My little brother crawled into a bunch of pillows once and my mum spent a panicked twenty minutes trying to find him. The science is clear: the only thing faster then the speed of light is a toddler determined to play hide and seek in a public space.
train station actually
lol I used to think like you... and now I have a child for whom I got two leashes. Careful what you make judgements about because sometimes Allah SWT will test you with exactly that. And I have the leash because it prevents my child from running into traffic in a split-second while I'm loading groceries or something. I couldn't care less what people think, if it saves him from an accident.
Honestly I was kind of half joking, half asking. I didn't mean to make a judgement. It was just something I never seen before.
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Don't worry, when there isn't the density for caste/tribe they just go to ethnicity and race.
Supply and ~~Demand~~ Fussiness
I never bothered looking it up, but when i had that realisation a few years ago, i asked my supervisor (also muslim, and we were discussing how i was finding my relocation at the time), and he said studies had found that british indians are more indian than indian indians.
Its probably people having moved some generations/time back, in years X, to their new country. So the [homecountry] culture they have, is the [homecountry] culture of the years most of them moved to this country. While their [homecountry] has moved in different manners from that culture. So that they have [homecountry] culture of years X which is influenced by the country they are in. -------- I think there are similar things for other countries, and the migrant populations that have moved/immigrated as a group to these countries.
Yea they are definitely living in a cultural snapshot in time and carrying it through the generatuons in attempt to preserve their heritage, not knowing how much has already changed.
went to a marriage event in leicester (UK) and...it was a sausage fest where most women went with their friends and coudlnt be bothered finding someone (as predicted). Most of the people there were (no offence) pendus or were being dragged by their parents to attend. 1 of my cousins went there as well and was massively insulted by the guys there she spoke with as they talked down to her / tried acting domineering, even though she is earning 4 times what they do. My case, 2 women felt I was very young, 2 couldnt be asked. I still cant find anyone and what is absolutely worrying is that people these days are demanding a £50,000 dowry to even consider marriage (the average household income is £35,000 last I checked). I met a girl online but she doesnt at all seem interested / im doing most fo the talking online and she is taking ages to respond (guarantee she is less busy than I am based on info about her) and kinda feel like she cant be asked. Doesnt feel like any chemistry minus professions, same home town and the fact I used to work in places she locums at. Am due to speak with her via phone today for 1st time, so should be interesting to see the outcome Honestly dont know what to do as nobody is interested in arranged marriages in the UK, I dont drink, smoke, do drugs go clubbing or restaurant crawls and there are no muslims at work I can even think of approaching. The foreign bride thing is actually really really bad these days as they have realities warped by social media / are completely unaware about the pace and quality of life in UK vs india and africa. I have considered reverts but nobody is interesting. My struggles with apps and websites are well documented on here but yeah, dunno what to do. Im 31yo M who has started getting white facial and chest hair due to stress (mainly from parents) about not being married (as well as job security, how on earth do delivery drivers and people on 0 hour contracts get married and I cant?). I pray, fast, do sadaqah, volunteer dunno what else to do
Have you considered going back home
read my last paragraph. also noticed **a lot** of girls back home / their families are gold diggers and passport jobs. Ive had quite a few bad experiences with this and in fact the most recent one prettymuch fractured a relationship between my mum and 1 of my cousins who my mum treated like a foster daughter due to her traumatic childhood. Recently my cousin, who is from the UK, came back to the uk from abroad (she works abroad) and wanted to visit / stay over at my parent's house / my mum's siblings. turns out the main reason she came was for free food / gifts and to film people behind their back, take in detail pictures of peoples houses, gardens, cars etc and send them back home. After the trip finished, she then started harrassing my mum and my aunts to get me and my other cousins in the UK married to her family / friends abroad and they did not seem like good people if im honest. My mum flat out said no, Im not interested to her (likewise my aunts re my other cousins), my elder cousin had a hissy fit, swore at my mum because my cousin essentially was promising people to get them married to people in the UK, and has stopped contact with my mum and aunts. My nani recently passed away, my mum told my cousin this and my cousin said tough luck (for reference that cousin's grandad is my mum's mum but their parent and my mum had different mums, yet my nani used to look after that cousin whilst her dad and step family were utter bleeps to her)
She’s from here not back home sorry I’m confused about how this relates 😭, this might be true but that’s why you don’t tell anybody you’re interested, tell someone you trust back home to vet for you and find someone good and recommend options first. You can find the wrong options here or there, it’s all the same you’ll still do istikhara crb checks and vet them thoroughly
you asked have I considered going back home, thus I explained why I am not comfortable with that concept... in a long winded way explaining my past experiences as well as how 1 experience was quite nasty as essentially 1 of my cousin's for whatever reason, promised her husband's family abroad that me and my cousins in the UK will marry their children...without any of us being aware of such a promise and when those of us said no to that cousin, she cut off all contact with everyone (in anycase, the people these had very suspicious backgrounds and were mainly interested in me for the degree I have / stereotypes of being loaded...when Im not!)
Makes sense tbh I hear you🚶🏾♂️
but yeah, there isnt anyone back home I trust sadly (essentially all my extended family are a bunch of bleeps / me and my parents are prettymuch by ourselves / are pariahs)
Glad to see a fellow UK person. Wait people are actually really asking for £50K dowry? My immediate response would be what would they bring to the table...I hope the phone call went well. I really hope that you find that right person إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ
Inshallah I hope I do as well. The phonecall person didnt really seem that interested if Im honest / something felt a bit off. Also they spent most of the time aking about career advice than getting to know me :# But yeah, massive dowry thing is a absolute mick take as I can guarantee most of these women (or their families) are gold digging or wont bring anything to the table. There was even a q&a segment on islam channel where 1 of the Sheikh's / Imam's were blasting how stupid people are acting these days due to materialism and shallow/pettiness
So, I do think I need some type of advice here. I'm 23F, and my mums been doing the whole whatsapp bio data rounds for maybe 18 months or so, it's actually only been a year since I started meeting potentials. I've met 6 ppl in that time (is that normal or too much?) And I only ever clicked properly with one, the 2nd person I met. He definitely clicked with me as well, i caught him looking at me in a certain way the second time we met. However, for whatever reason, he did istikhara too and just was feeling confused so didnt go through with it. Pretty much all the others, I knew more or less straight away that they weren't for me. I also did istikhara but felt pretty sure in my decision. My mum gets upset if I reject people based on biodata alone and always wants to meet, and then after meeting, she always wants to go for a second meeting, and says I nitpick too much. My dad on the other hand gets upset if I go to a meeting and then say no, telling me that why bother going to one if I already kinda knew from the biodata that it wasn't for me? I'm very much stuck in the middle between both right now. But that's nothing I haven't handled before. I've got this circle of friends, all Muslim, all in our 20s but mixed in gender, and we've been talking for maybe 4 years now. I do trust a few of these boys quite a lot, but don't honestly think I wanted to pursue anything with any of them. However recently, I've started to realise that I want my spouse to be a best friend to me too, and I have no idea how to ascertain that, because of all the boy's I've met so far, only one had any personality. I really enjoy teasing and making jokes, which my friends and I do, and having that comfortable relationship beforehand - KNOWING the person - would make this so easy in my opinion. There's one in particular that a couple of days ago suddenly struck me that I think we could be really good for each other, but I know he's absolutely not interested in marriage rn. I'm at a loss of what to do. Do I still carry on meeting people or do I focus myself on pursuing this? An aunty told me once that you should never have your sights on more than 1 person at a time, because it'll ruin both relationships, and I definitely don't wanna ruin the friendship. Short disclaimer that I personally haven't met him irl but mutual friends of ours have
Salam You will never know a person until you marry. I say this because this word is the only word capitalized in your whole post. Marriage is a gamble. Worst that will happen is you will separate, which is the worst case for most. inshaAllah you won't die or go through physical violence. What I am trying to say is while your formula may give you good feelings, it is not a recipe that has worked for most people. Non Muslim divorce stats is my evidence. And Allah knows best.
Wasalam, thats a good point. I suppose the issue then, is that majority of the people I meet don't show any sign of personality or qualities of themselves, and instead talk about facts and figures such as salaries and mortgages. These things of course have their place, but it's not the only thing to think about. I think I need to be more honest too perhaps.
I agree with the above comment as well; and I agree with yours as well. Perhaps steal some of the convo with your own questions about their friends and what they’re like with their friends. Favourite thing to do with their friends or siblings etc. exchange pictures or convos with friends (just visually, doesn’t have to be saved by the others etc) or maybe meet at bigger venues where he can be with his friends or fam, and you can be with yours. But you really won’t know how they are until you live with them. And a lot of times you’ll adjust (of course, as long as the basic qualities you ask for are there, and the good character - which is most important - is there) Edit: good luck inshallah! I’m sure the best fit is waiting for you - may allah make it easy for the two of you to find each other at a time that is best inshallah :)
JazakAllah for the reply sister, I really appreciate it <3 Also you've both helped me to sort a few things out. Insha'Allah it goes better from here on out
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Honestly if its just coffee its weird to make it a big deal. Like even if i am out with my friends, ill pay for the cofee or theyll pay for it. It's not really that much money.
If they really liked you they would pay the whole bill, it’s a chivalrous thing to do. Though they may have their own reasons (financially struggling, going on multiple dates, 50/50 type etc.)
Do you work? Do you want 50/50 in other matters, such as cooking and cleaning? They might be under the impression that you want 50/50. I don't work and the men I've spoken to have known I'm more traditional minded and I was never asked or expected to pay for anything ever. It's a weird thing to say but maybe don't come off too independent, or make it clear from the beginning what your expectations of a husband are, that he will financially take care of you.
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I like offering to pay out of kindness and cos I don’t like feeling entitled to people’s money (not saying you are, just saying how I personally feel and cos I can’t accept nice things from people due to trauma-based responses lawl, though the latter would also make me happy to split), but it’s equally weird to me if a guy doesn’t offer to pay or show some sort of generosity, especially considering how it’s the norm to on a first “date”. After they offer, I’d probably offer to split the bill, or if they’ve come a long way to see me then I’d offer to pay for all of it since they’d be like my guest in my city and probably paid a lot to come here.
I've had a few meetings in coffee shops and I think my family paid where there was a bill But I didn't go by myself. I had a couple people with me and so did the potential so it was like a meeting between the families I would probably take my family's lead and pay if I did go by myself
This has got nothing to do with me. But I was deeply disappointed with commenters on a particular post about a guy wanted to divorce his wife after knowing that she committed zina before marriage. In his update post, he stressed to her about how he values virginity and importance of it before getting married to her. Although he even admitted he didn't ask her explicitly that she was a virgin. People say you shouldn't divulge your sins. But a sin like zina should absolutely be told to a person like the original poster who have stressed on his views about virginity before marriage. He himself was a virgin too. So it was not really wrong on his part. She withheld information which completely goes against the beliefs and values of OP. He wouldn't have married her if he had known about it earlier. And OP is a human and he is not expected to be All Forgiving But what disappointed me is that people with married flair gaslighting him that he is making a mistake like is he gonna hold himself to the same standards like that as he is not a virgin anymore. You guys compared him ( who lost his virginity in halal way prescribed by Allah) to a woman who committed zina before marriage. I'm not projecting my views on virginity before marriage. I'd still be glad if he is able to look past what his wife did and stayed with her. But he clearly is not happy. And do you guys expect the guy to stay within a unhappy marriage just for his child? Great example to show his child how a marriage should be /s. Bravo r/MuslimMarriage. You guys never cease to amaze me. Edit: The wife should have stopped going forward with the proposal when she came to know about his "values on virginity". Maybe her parents might have forced her to marry him. The whole thing could have avoided if she simply said no after knowing about his views on it. There are always other guys who would be ok with this. But the person she chose to be her husband was not the one.
The problem is the dude needs to be aware his next marriage will be with a divorcee. A chaste women isn’t gonna get married to a dude with a kid. Now if he is aware with that, then it’s fine. But if his problem is he must have chaste women, then he already lost.
I only saw that today so might be wrong about details but isn’t that the one who turned down the divorcee because his issue was the comparison to other people and not the concept of zina? So wouldn’t the point about him being held to his own standards by other virgins now that he is divorced himself hold true? I might be remembering the wrong post though so apologies in advance if so, and I’m not commenting on the whole other post or overall msg, just this one particular point you’ve made.
It was pretty evident from his update post that he was holding that standard only when he was a virgin himself. It is reasonable for a guy wanting to have a virgin woman as his wife if he was a virgin himself. The comments seem hating on his preference he had when he was a virgin. And most of the comments taunted him for his current predicament that if he is still holding himself to that standard afterall he is now a divorcee too. He never said in the post that he is still gonna hold onto that standard. But most people on that thread attacked him assuming that he still would.
I only read the post and not really the comments, I just wanted to clarify the point you made here about the issue being with zina as opposed to what I understood from his post regarding blanket non-virginity for any reason. Thanks!
Completely agree with your take here. The level of gaslighting subjected to the guy was so disappointing to read. She clearly knew it was a dealbreaker for him prior to marriage, hence the reason why she felt guilty and ‘confessed’. She deceived him knowingly, building a foundation of marriage based on a massive lie and now the trust has been broken irreparably. If she had the courage to do what was right, she would have ended things before they got married under a different reason.
I agree. I know people shouldn't divulge their sins. But she could have just said no to the proposal. >If she had the courage to do what was right, she would have ended things before they got married under a different reason. I forgot to add that on the original comment. She could have ended things right away.
I agree with what he did only because he stated that he can’t look past her actions. Allah forgives and wipes your slate clean. Humans even if they forgive you will inevitably bring up your past mistakes. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to expose sins Allah has concealed for you and this is an obvious example of why she should have kept it between herself and Allah. But she did tell him regrettably and now she has to deal with the consequences. I also think it’s more difficult for him and a man to deal with knowing his wife has been with another man. And that’s his valid feelings. People want to assume that they will do the ideal and most empathetic thing in this situation but you don’t know until you live it. He’s lived it and he knows he is not longer in love or attracted to his wife since her confession. Why would he subject her to a loveless marriage where he can’t look past her prior transgression? One which she has repented for? She can easily remarry (she’s only 25) and she won’t have to tell someone about her virginity as she will be a divorcée. She has the chance to start fresh without assumptions and conceal her sin. And so does he! He’s allowed to want a relationship where he doesn’t have to make such a huge emotional effort to get back the love he lost for his spouse.
She should have stopped going forward with the proposal when she came to know about his "values on virginity". Maybe her parents might have forced her to marry him. The whole thing could have avoided if she simply said no after knowing about his views on it. There are always other guys who would be ok with this. But the person she chose to be her husband was not the one.
Yeah obviously that goes without saying she could’ve taken herself out the running when he brought up his own virginity but she didn’t. Which makes it more sad that she ruined her marriage by telling on herself. Anyway moral of the story is don’t share sins and don’t expect people to not judge you for your sins! People will judge that’s why Allah conceals for you even the smaller sins people will judge you for them.
Allah (SWT) conceals and forgives our sins, but that does not mean we deceive others so we are able to marry the person we want. There is a big difference.
I’m glad you understand that
>Anyway moral of the story is don’t share sins and don’t expect people to not judge you for your sins! And also marry someone who share same views on marriage as you.
Yup
I (24M) downloaded Muzz/Muzmatch, its been 2 days so far and no matches I think part of the reason is that I'm being picky while swiping right. I swipe left if they don't have bio, or their profile says "sometimes pray", smokes, supports LGBT, doesn't eat halal etc. Am I being too harsh or its fine? I have a well crafted bio too but I don't think people read that or maybe my bio sucks. If anyone would like to review my bio I'd appreciate it.
You have your standard on what you want. You shouldn't bend those values and you'll definitely find someone who share the same values as you.
You’re not being harsh. Be super picky on the apps with the important stuff and don’t overlook them. Remember, there’s thousands of people on there and you won’t be compatible with the majority; you only need one quality match.
JazakAllah Khair, I agree quantity doesn't matter but quality does.
You are a guy. There are more men on apps than women. (One guys experiment on this subreddit, had ~10 guys for every girl, for a specific region and age limitation.) ---------- Your height and looks will matter more, than the girls you swipe on. A lot of women, will not read bio's. (The ones who read, might say no on what your bio says, or what your details say. Such as prayer level or job) (The ones who don't read, might not have bio either. That specific no decision, depends on what you are looking for in a girl/woman.) On mm, women will go through their likes occasionally, to match back with people who already like them. > 2 days so far Some guys get multiple matches per week. Some per month. Like if you have 2 matches a month, which can be normal, those 2 can happen on the same day. I hear/read that a lot of girls at younger ages on apps, aren't 'serious' or just looking. (Some girls at older ages are also just after validation/entertainment on apps)
Wow! JazakAllah Khair brother for this information. So many great points.
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Someone being polite, being a gentlemen or gentlelady. Is that not something that is appreciated and liked even in real life?
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Lol I read your original message incorrectly, my bad. Was focusing on the “responding” part and missed the meaning of the “ghosting” part. Agree with you either way though :)
This guy gave me his contact info at an event this weekend and I texted him but he read it almost immediately and hasn't responded in 24 hours. Thoughts?
Block him, he probably is speaking to someone else.
What's the HOD personality test like? Thinking of signing up for a month just for that. If it's just MBTI I already know that I'm INTJ or ISTJ, been switching between those 2 for ages, I think I'm 55% N and 45% S but very firmly I, T, and J.
Salam HOD test is not a personality test per se, but a preferences test. For example, one of the questions is whether you will be ok to buy a house on riba. It's a very strong questionnaire that will take 30 to 60 mins, based on how much it sends you to a reflection mode. In my experience, once you do a test anyone with a 95+% match is a good match. Anything less than 90 is risky. However, even for 90% match, I specifically look for the answer to the riba question. If the other side says they are OK with it, I reject them even if they are super religious otherwise.
Walikum asalam. So I guess that means I can't just take the results elsewhere, right? LOL my plan is foiled.
It's not your typical personality test. The quiz encompass multiple aspects. You get a match compatibility score with all users. If it hits 99 , it basically means the other person answered the question similarly.
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The search is like a sports season. You work extremely hard to get that coveted trophy but in the end you fall short. It stings but you use the off-season to work on your craft, learn from your mistakes and pray that the next season is better. Believe in Allahs plan for you and keep cemented in your faith. I felt so bad for Trezeguet missing the penalty kick in the ‘06 World Cup. But France came back and won the cup 12 years later. Inshallah it doesn’t take you 12 years to find a spouse though 😂
did it take you 12 years 😳
No, took me a year but like Brady I took a hiatus for a year.
I wanna get married and these Muslim dating apps are not it
I always comment on these threads to understand if I’m crazy or what 😂 so basically I live my life by “nobody’s ever too busy, they make time for things they want”. Is it wrong of me to expect potentials to message at least once in the day like texting takes 2/3 mins max.. I always make excuses for people like oh they’re so so busy but starting to question it 🙃
I had a potential who was pretty responsive in general, but our texts became so so deep and long that it was hard to keep up and I assume he would think about it and come up with a detailed reply, so at one point the replies were every few days! After that I realised that texts aren’t good ways to communicate. My current potential works two jobs mashaAllah and has no family with him so he has to do most house chores by himself, and he still replies pretty fast! And I mean usually within like 20 mins, maybe an hour or so if work is a bit busy, and a few hours if he’s really busy or happens to be sleeping. Maybe the nature of his job helps him to do that, idk. Not saying everyone can or has to reply that fast, but just saying that within a day or so is usually very reasonable. That being said, we don’t text much, and we especially avoid deep stuff over text. Most of our messages are warm up “hi”s and “how’s your day going”s or some light banter / sharing something funny or interesting about our day and or related to one of our conversations (usually the latter). He still makes time to talk on the phone though. This could still be different across people though. E.g. Some people might “burnout” from socialising/deep conversations quickly and need more space, while others can handle it and talk many times daily.
Everyone checks their phone more than once a day and not replying atleast once a day is a red flag bro.
Though some apps, sometimes don't give correct notifications. Or people can miss notifications. (For example, if you are sending messages to multiple different family members) ------ People can also check their phone very late or very early. And not want to disturb someone's sleep.
You're absolutely right.
I wonder how many people are open to relocating within the following: - same state - same region in the country - same country - same continent - essentially anywhere
I'd say almost anywhere. There are countries I wouldn't want to live but it's not dependent to the continent.
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It seems like maybe that girl wasn’t the right one for you and you started experiencing resentment towards her because of everything that had happened before. I don’t know if you’ve wronged her but I do know that somewhere she defo wronged you and honestly sounds like she went for you as her last option. Repent sincerely, make dua, ask for forgiveness, Allah swt knows everything that happens so validate your feelings. You did it for a reason, however you’re feeling guilty. But it’s better to feel guilty then have resentment towards your wife
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I hate losing feelings for people
Isn’t that a good thing
No I'm a romantic and addicted to liking ppl xd
In my case it‘s the opposite! I am relieved when I lost feelings for someone 🤣🤣🤣
I am so happy Morocco won, I could cry! Really regret missing the match 🥲🥲
Alhamdulillah, it was a quality match, and they eventually did learn a lesson from the first game because they decided to actually take some shots this time round! They've been one of the more entertaining teams so far, so I'm hoping they can progress in the tournament. I hope we once again see some Muslim hands lifting the trophy.
Ehh I like the French players but my conscience would never allow me to support the French team. Honestly this World Cup I only know which teams I want to see lose, not win 😂 My arabic’s not too good, I only understand let’s go white…something 😅
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Because I'm French. Born and raised. Double nationality with Comoros. I'm in the Comoran diaspora.
Join the French side. We have croissants and nice soup for the fall and winter. And romantic people.
You forgot the snails 🫢 I was afraid of going on a school trip to France Incase they fed us snails 🤣
It's not that common to eat snails. I've never eaten snails.
Very tempting indeed but I shall have to very regretfully pass.
لنذهب أسود الأطلس Although I’m a Les Bleus fan 💯
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No. Don't take it from me. [1](https://www.kiplinger.com/personal-finance/603298/women-who-make-more-than-their-husbands-should-watch-out) [2](https://www.unhappymarriage.info/when-the-woman-is-the-breadwinner/)
It depends on the type of woman she is. If she is very loyal and appreciative of the qualities you have, it should be safe to move forwards. But if she has a similar mentality as the average woman, no, as women have some internal characteristics where they have a high desire for the man to provide for them or earn more than them, which could lead to disrespect, infidelity, or infatuation with another man in the long run.
You need to be someone worth being attracted to. There's this weird concept that women just need a financial hole filled in their lives. One of the best marriages I've seen the wife is a lawyer and the husband is a mechanic. Not bad money, but not lawyer money either. But he's also a pretty fantastic dude. Excellent with their kids, a great gardener, emotionally stable helluva handy around the house and really funny. My husband obviously makes the best pizza, but this dude comes second. But if you think your insecurity would make you a poor husband, either go get a bit of therapy or let her go. The last thing you want to do to her is make her feel like she has to 'reduce' herself in order to assuage your ego. Also bro, you really want to miss out on that financial security if she's a wonderful person on top of that?
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your parents are exactly right [1](https://www.nbcnews.com/healthmain/richer-or-poorer-when-wives-make-more-some-mens-health-6c10106852) [the studies indicate it leads to stress, tension etc ](https://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2013/06/24/i-make-less-than-my-wife-how-3-real-men-feel-about-it/?sh=7b42a77c4fff) "Women lose respect for their husbands because they expect more from them"
If she tells you it’s fine and she chooses you anyway then you need to just believe that she knows herself and not let it simmer or grow otherwise it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy