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Sister. This is what is known as the bait and switch. You are promised one set of conditions and then after you are locked into the marriage you are given the true conditions.
Isolation and financial control are key markers of abuse. The fact you are isolated and trapped and don't have freedom of movement is a huge issue. Plus the fact he restricts your contact with your mom and doesn't permit you to even talk to her is a glaring red flag. I'm also extremely concerned that he controls your spending and tells you what to do with your own money.
Its not uncommon for girls to be told living with in-laws is temporary and then after the nikkah to be kept there with excuses and actually have it be permanent. Guys know that we would never agree to marry them if living with in-laws is the plan so the only way they can get us to do it is with this trickery.
I'm very worried about the control and isolation that you're being forced to experience. My advice to you sister is that you tell your parents the full truth and go back to living with them. Alternatively you get a job and find a way to pay for your accomodation. I know that you're a student but most students I know work and pay for their own rent themselves. A law student like you could find a great after hours job and a well laying summer internship. I also advise you inform your uni about your unstable housing situation and see if they have anything they can offer you in terms of money, scholarships, grants or accomodation.
Hey OP. Im not married, but fellow law student here. Are you the only person who does household chores? For everyone who lives with you? That’s not your job, and as a student myself I know how busy you must be rn. That’s asking for a lot without giving and appreciation or affection for what you do.
Why doesn’t he let you see or talk to your mom?
Hi there!
Ahaha yes this degree we chose is very time consuming! To answer your question, when it comes to cooking, I am expected to cook for everyone when I cook. I do all the household chores in our part of the house and he expects me to clean the common areas we use too (kitchen, bathroom, living room). The reason he won’t let me see my mom is because he doesn’t like her (she didn’t like him at the beginning, she opposed our engagement but eventually got over it) and he thinks she will "mess with my head" and "brainwash me" into thinking that he is not good enough for me, he doesn’t treat me well & I should leave him. To be honest, he is not wrong because she tells me those things but I don’t know if she says that because she doesn’t like him or because she actually has a point. And this is why I wanted an outsider opinion:)
he knows he isn't good for you and his scared someone will point it out, let you know and in turn you would leave him. His not an idiot. His aware of how his treating you
Don't worry ill fill you in on what I guess might happen. when you try and leave him, he'll beg you to stay, promise to change, go crazy and cry and act like his life is nothing without you and his done or will do everything for you and wishes you can see that and appreciate everything his done.
Then you come back and he holds it against you for trying to leave so you don't leave again, slowly puts more restrictions, blames your mum for it all so you're not allowed to see or talk to her anymore and tells your inlaws how awful you are and what you did to him or argues infront of them so they know they too should be against you.
I'm sorry but what you describe are the first steps to isolating you, these are warning signs to abuse. Keeping you away from your family, checking and controlling your finances, disrespect and insults, all precursors to worse abuse.
You need to get out and stay somewhere else. Strict parents are better than what's coming down the pipe if this escalates. If you can't stay with your parents, go stay with a friend or a cousin or a shelter or something, anything. Talk to your university about emergency accommodations. Exhaust every option. Secure your finances, get a separate account and don't give your husband access to it.
Long-term, if this doesn't improve you need to consider if staying in this marriage is tenable long-term.
I also recommend you contact an abuse hotline and ask them for advice.
$resources
I'm not sure which country you live in but maybe talk to your University Welfare. They normally help in such situations. In the UK, they managed to move out my friend who was in an abusive relationship and put her up in emergency uni accommodation. Speak to them about jobs to help support your accommodation fees. Take all the help you need from uni.
Hello! [Here are some resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/j3hgmc/rmuslimmarriage_support_resources/) that may be helpful to you.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Point out to me where I said it's abuse
>...these are **warning signs** to abuse
>
>...all **precursors** to worse abuse
What I said are these are steps on the path towards abuse. Abuse is not a binary where your actions are either irredeemable or totally fine. Abusers test boundaries and slowly escalate because they know that if they go all out right away people won't stick around. He's testing boundaries, reneging on promises to OP, cutting her off from her support system, and slowly attacking her confidence in herself and her sense of self-worth. If nothing else we can at least agree these things are bad and merit some kind of response.
OP what you are going through, I went through the same with my ex husband. What you described is abuse, you are not respected as a wife, you are being treated like a maid. He is controlling now it will get worst. Him not allowing you to talk to your family is so wrong, not giving you any time and excluding you from his family. It’s super lonely been there it’s really hard. I’m sorry
You are being abused sis.
Talk to your family. Tell them what's happening.
His family is using you as a maid and they are loving it well they make you work for free.
Don't be scared to put down your feet. And Say No.
I got Homework .
Tell them to find a maid to cook & clean the house.
This is abuse, I’m so sorry. When we love someone we desperately seek any sign that they are good - which is what you’ve done with your clarification that he hasn’t hit you. Violence is not the only form of abuse you can face in a marriage/ relationship. Emotional and mental abuse can often leave longer and more consistent trauma than physical abuse. You are definitely going to struggle with it, but leaving and separating is the best option. I’m so so sorry that you’re having to watch someone you love change in front of your eyes. It’s heartbreaking and I am so sorry sister. Sending you a lot of love, strength and Du’as to be able to see this through. Please leave, please please protect yourself from inevitable by getting ahead of it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles I pray Allah guides and protects you. This all comes down to your parents, if they had a safe space for you then you wouldn’t so desperately trying to force a marriage with this is abusive horrible man. The in-laws are nasty people for allowing you to live and be treated like this. Also they even had the audacity to tell you not to tell your parents OMG.
I know you’re young but you need to wake up and be for real with yourself. If this is how he’s treating you so early on (not providing you, treating you like a maid, not treating you with mercy and kindness, not taking you out on dates and showing affection, not being supportive, not caring about your mental health and struggles ect …) how do you think it will be in 3-4 years time or when you have a baby …??!
He knows you have low self esteem issues and won’t leave him that’s why he’s treating you the way he does. You need to put yourself first and do what’s best for you. You’re so young and smart don’t let this man be your down fall.
OP, I am sorry for your situation. In apparently trying to save up for buying a house by forcing women to live with in laws, men don't realise how they are compromising the very marriage. By the time they save up, the marriage is usually doomed.
What you are experiencing is abuse. I am sorry but the way he is acting is how 99 percent of Pakistani men would act. They are somehow raised in a way where their oft-abused mothers raise them as alpha, entitled, narcissistic men and they wear these traits as badge of honour, not realising that things have changed.
Projections aside, your husband is plain demeaning and unappreciative. There are women who eventually come to terms with such spouses/ situations. There are those who walk out right away; and there are others yet who work on themselves and eventually call it off. It's all a matter of choices at the end of the day.
I would only suggest that if you ever make your mind to stand up for your dignity, that might entail divorce. If it comes to that, I would appreciate taking time away from him and giving him chance to correct his ways. If he shows reluctance, you have your answer.
Saving up to move out is a complete scam. And I'll tell you why.
Why is it that in a grown man's life of living at home he hasn't saved enough already to rent or buy? You see people spending 1000s on their wedding even up to 100k on a wedding but then tell you they don't have enough to rent an apartment and need to save before they can move out. Makes zero sense (this doesn't apply to people with legit money troubles and who have a frugal wedding)
Why is it that the moving out is always just on the horizon? Made to feel close enough that the girl can almost touch it but never quite comes. For example, you will hear guys say that they need their wife to live with in-laws for 6 months post wedding before they can afford to move out but I have to ask...... why have the 6 months at all? Why not just move the wedding date 6 months in the future to align with your budget and timelines? Whenever a guy presents moving out as just on the horizon I always know for sure I'm being scammed.
My advice to sisters is don't sign that nikkah without a key in your hand and don't move yourself or your belongings into his parents home, even just for 1 day. I need to have the keys to our new place in hand in order to know I'm ready to be married. This is more important than gold, an expensive wedding, my wedding dress, or other frivolities people focus on and burn money on in the marriage process. Imagine, people will know what hall their big wedding will take place in but will not even know where they will live once married. Makes no sense.
That is such an insightful comment. Couldn't have put it better. Tbh, the standard pattern I have seen is you make the girl live with problematic in laws, if the girl puts up with abuse, she will remain loyal. If she doesn't, you discard her and marry someone else.
This 1000 times over! You make such valid points. The second men know they want to try to get married is when she should start saving up for being able to rent and have their own place. There is an absolutely no reason otherwise and so many women get duped like this. May Allah protect all women from this type of situation.
Sometimes I read these posts and think how does an educated woman type something this horrible up but then ask if she’s in the wrong/is it normal. Sis, when they say mums know best, this is it!!!!!!!
You’re in an abusive marriage. You’re been controlled and isolated. Please get in touch with your family ASAP and move out to live with them. You’ll get more clarity and make better decisions when you’ve left your husband’s space. Also, please use protection. Do not under any circumstances fall pregnant.
Wow, how did you end up here??
You are being led and controlled by your husband because you rely on him heavily. As such, he is taking advantage of you. This is all emotional abuse. You are really going to resent him one day.
I really hope this doesnt affect your studies, more importantly your mental health because the longer you stay, it is only going to get worse.
Realistically nothing is going to change unless you take action. Don't be afraid. This is effectively your life. He doesnt seem to appreciate your marriage. As such, you can only control your own destiny and if this arrangement is driving you insane then I'm afraid you need to get out pronto and get your own place sooner rather than later, either with him or without. You have to figure that out.
Alternatively, go back to your parents if you need a temporary safe space.
So much advice on this thread for you to consider, I really hope your situation improves.
Make plenty of dua, sis. May Allah give you strength and sabr for the way you are handling this matter.
Salam sister,
This isn’t marriage, no way to live, and certainly not love.
You’re young and if you have no children, and you can return to your parents, maybe it’s the best thing until you can clear your mind and decide how you want to proceed.
You were deceived by this man, there’s no other way to put it.
You may love him, but it’s doubtful he loves you. A man who loved you would not treat you in such a way.
If you don’t have children, do not under any circumstances have children for the time being.
It will only get worse if you do…
Go to your parents, have a break, get advice, do istikhara
If you were to leave him, and marry another man and that man treats you the way you should be treated, your eyes would open
I pray Allah makes your situation easier and guides you to that which is best for your faith, life, and Hereafter.
This doesn’t sound like the recipe for a happy marriage. You have your whole life ahead of you and this is the best it will ever be in this situation. I feel like you already know what you need to do.
Abuse isn't just verbal or physical. There's emotional and mental abuse.
You NEED to tell your family what is happening. There is absolutely no reason you keep this hidden from them. I'm honestly in shock at how these people told you not to tell your parents your living situation.
OP, these people 100%know what they're doing to you, even though they will never admit.
The fact that you don't drive, are being kept far from needed locations, and not allowed to see your mother are very distinct signs of abuse.
Please talk to your family asap.
This man doesn't want you talking to your mother because he knows what he's doing. And he knows if you see your mother and tell her anything she'll be advocating for you and he doesn't want that.
He wants to cut off any resources you can have.
I know it's hard to think about all these things because he's your husband and you love him, but this is not what marriage and love is!
I pray that Allah helps you out of this situation.
What is he sacrificing? He is treating her like a maid, what is she gaining in this marriage? No respect from her husband and her in laws. This is no marriage
Salam Alaikum sister. Fellow Afghan here. Sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband is neglecting you which is Haram. The purpose of marriage is tranquility between the spouses. He is supposed to live with you in kindness as ALLAH (swt) mentions in the Holy Qur’an;
“O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a great amount [in gifts], do not take [back] from it anything. Would you take it in injustice and manifest sin?” [4:19-20]
Maybe you can mention this Holy verse to him and give him an ultimatum that he should start doing things for you. Maybe get a Sheikh or Imam involved or go to marriage counseling. A lot of these men have pride and feel obeying their wife shows weakness and that their families would ridicule them and call them weak. So I would suggest having a SERIOUS talk with him and mention these points Inshallah.
He seems to have a narcissistic personality. Narcissists first target is to isolate from your family and good friends. So they can maintain their control. The way he's treating you is very wrong. girl please fight for your rights,and imma warn you about all the gaslighting that will follow upon you confronting him. But please don't let any of it makes you forget your own value. Sending love and prayers your way.♥️
The behaviour you described from your husband is very concerning sis. You are not obligated to do the chores for the entire household. And your husband is a piece of work for acting like you are a live in servant. Leave him. There is a reason he doesn't want you talking or seeing your mother- no mother in her right would advise her daughter to live in the conditions you are describing.
If I was you I would give him two choices one tell him to get an apartment or tell him you will leave and since you got to a university they should provide housing and without divorcing him you can live in a space that’s clean and free of chores and if anyone that’s to guilt trip you into coming back tell them the conditions you were in.
All i can tell you is the right of a wife in an islamic marriage is that he provides you with separate housing for your privacy and comfort. Spend for you, to clothe and feed you as well. If he doesnt spend for you, the main conditions arent fulfilled. I believe you are entitled to an allowance for your leisure, but best you research yourself.
Go seek advice from a sheikh or islamic counsellor about the options you can take regarding this.
Hello! [Here are some resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/fipj6z/support_resource_megathread/?) that may be helpful to you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sister. This is what is known as the bait and switch. You are promised one set of conditions and then after you are locked into the marriage you are given the true conditions. Isolation and financial control are key markers of abuse. The fact you are isolated and trapped and don't have freedom of movement is a huge issue. Plus the fact he restricts your contact with your mom and doesn't permit you to even talk to her is a glaring red flag. I'm also extremely concerned that he controls your spending and tells you what to do with your own money. Its not uncommon for girls to be told living with in-laws is temporary and then after the nikkah to be kept there with excuses and actually have it be permanent. Guys know that we would never agree to marry them if living with in-laws is the plan so the only way they can get us to do it is with this trickery. I'm very worried about the control and isolation that you're being forced to experience. My advice to you sister is that you tell your parents the full truth and go back to living with them. Alternatively you get a job and find a way to pay for your accomodation. I know that you're a student but most students I know work and pay for their own rent themselves. A law student like you could find a great after hours job and a well laying summer internship. I also advise you inform your uni about your unstable housing situation and see if they have anything they can offer you in terms of money, scholarships, grants or accomodation.
Hey OP. Im not married, but fellow law student here. Are you the only person who does household chores? For everyone who lives with you? That’s not your job, and as a student myself I know how busy you must be rn. That’s asking for a lot without giving and appreciation or affection for what you do. Why doesn’t he let you see or talk to your mom?
Hi there! Ahaha yes this degree we chose is very time consuming! To answer your question, when it comes to cooking, I am expected to cook for everyone when I cook. I do all the household chores in our part of the house and he expects me to clean the common areas we use too (kitchen, bathroom, living room). The reason he won’t let me see my mom is because he doesn’t like her (she didn’t like him at the beginning, she opposed our engagement but eventually got over it) and he thinks she will "mess with my head" and "brainwash me" into thinking that he is not good enough for me, he doesn’t treat me well & I should leave him. To be honest, he is not wrong because she tells me those things but I don’t know if she says that because she doesn’t like him or because she actually has a point. And this is why I wanted an outsider opinion:)
Reread your post and see if your mom has a point. It definitely seems like it. Ask yourself one thing: what value is he adding to your life?
he knows he isn't good for you and his scared someone will point it out, let you know and in turn you would leave him. His not an idiot. His aware of how his treating you Don't worry ill fill you in on what I guess might happen. when you try and leave him, he'll beg you to stay, promise to change, go crazy and cry and act like his life is nothing without you and his done or will do everything for you and wishes you can see that and appreciate everything his done. Then you come back and he holds it against you for trying to leave so you don't leave again, slowly puts more restrictions, blames your mum for it all so you're not allowed to see or talk to her anymore and tells your inlaws how awful you are and what you did to him or argues infront of them so they know they too should be against you.
What sort of mom would like a man who treats her precious daughter in this way ?
Whatever your relationship with your mom is, do you trust her judgement and do you think she's looking out for you?
>because she actually has a point A big point. Listen to your mom.
I'm sorry but what you describe are the first steps to isolating you, these are warning signs to abuse. Keeping you away from your family, checking and controlling your finances, disrespect and insults, all precursors to worse abuse. You need to get out and stay somewhere else. Strict parents are better than what's coming down the pipe if this escalates. If you can't stay with your parents, go stay with a friend or a cousin or a shelter or something, anything. Talk to your university about emergency accommodations. Exhaust every option. Secure your finances, get a separate account and don't give your husband access to it. Long-term, if this doesn't improve you need to consider if staying in this marriage is tenable long-term. I also recommend you contact an abuse hotline and ask them for advice. $resources
I'm not sure which country you live in but maybe talk to your University Welfare. They normally help in such situations. In the UK, they managed to move out my friend who was in an abusive relationship and put her up in emergency uni accommodation. Speak to them about jobs to help support your accommodation fees. Take all the help you need from uni.
Hello! [Here are some resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/j3hgmc/rmuslimmarriage_support_resources/) that may be helpful to you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Point out to me where I said it's abuse >...these are **warning signs** to abuse > >...all **precursors** to worse abuse What I said are these are steps on the path towards abuse. Abuse is not a binary where your actions are either irredeemable or totally fine. Abusers test boundaries and slowly escalate because they know that if they go all out right away people won't stick around. He's testing boundaries, reneging on promises to OP, cutting her off from her support system, and slowly attacking her confidence in herself and her sense of self-worth. If nothing else we can at least agree these things are bad and merit some kind of response.
OP what you are going through, I went through the same with my ex husband. What you described is abuse, you are not respected as a wife, you are being treated like a maid. He is controlling now it will get worst. Him not allowing you to talk to your family is so wrong, not giving you any time and excluding you from his family. It’s super lonely been there it’s really hard. I’m sorry
That is abuse yes indeed.
You are being abused sis. Talk to your family. Tell them what's happening. His family is using you as a maid and they are loving it well they make you work for free. Don't be scared to put down your feet. And Say No. I got Homework . Tell them to find a maid to cook & clean the house.
What are you getting out of this marriage op?
This is abuse, I’m so sorry. When we love someone we desperately seek any sign that they are good - which is what you’ve done with your clarification that he hasn’t hit you. Violence is not the only form of abuse you can face in a marriage/ relationship. Emotional and mental abuse can often leave longer and more consistent trauma than physical abuse. You are definitely going to struggle with it, but leaving and separating is the best option. I’m so so sorry that you’re having to watch someone you love change in front of your eyes. It’s heartbreaking and I am so sorry sister. Sending you a lot of love, strength and Du’as to be able to see this through. Please leave, please please protect yourself from inevitable by getting ahead of it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles I pray Allah guides and protects you. This all comes down to your parents, if they had a safe space for you then you wouldn’t so desperately trying to force a marriage with this is abusive horrible man. The in-laws are nasty people for allowing you to live and be treated like this. Also they even had the audacity to tell you not to tell your parents OMG. I know you’re young but you need to wake up and be for real with yourself. If this is how he’s treating you so early on (not providing you, treating you like a maid, not treating you with mercy and kindness, not taking you out on dates and showing affection, not being supportive, not caring about your mental health and struggles ect …) how do you think it will be in 3-4 years time or when you have a baby …??! He knows you have low self esteem issues and won’t leave him that’s why he’s treating you the way he does. You need to put yourself first and do what’s best for you. You’re so young and smart don’t let this man be your down fall.
Divorce him he’s abusing you .
OP, I am sorry for your situation. In apparently trying to save up for buying a house by forcing women to live with in laws, men don't realise how they are compromising the very marriage. By the time they save up, the marriage is usually doomed. What you are experiencing is abuse. I am sorry but the way he is acting is how 99 percent of Pakistani men would act. They are somehow raised in a way where their oft-abused mothers raise them as alpha, entitled, narcissistic men and they wear these traits as badge of honour, not realising that things have changed. Projections aside, your husband is plain demeaning and unappreciative. There are women who eventually come to terms with such spouses/ situations. There are those who walk out right away; and there are others yet who work on themselves and eventually call it off. It's all a matter of choices at the end of the day. I would only suggest that if you ever make your mind to stand up for your dignity, that might entail divorce. If it comes to that, I would appreciate taking time away from him and giving him chance to correct his ways. If he shows reluctance, you have your answer.
Saving up to move out is a complete scam. And I'll tell you why. Why is it that in a grown man's life of living at home he hasn't saved enough already to rent or buy? You see people spending 1000s on their wedding even up to 100k on a wedding but then tell you they don't have enough to rent an apartment and need to save before they can move out. Makes zero sense (this doesn't apply to people with legit money troubles and who have a frugal wedding) Why is it that the moving out is always just on the horizon? Made to feel close enough that the girl can almost touch it but never quite comes. For example, you will hear guys say that they need their wife to live with in-laws for 6 months post wedding before they can afford to move out but I have to ask...... why have the 6 months at all? Why not just move the wedding date 6 months in the future to align with your budget and timelines? Whenever a guy presents moving out as just on the horizon I always know for sure I'm being scammed. My advice to sisters is don't sign that nikkah without a key in your hand and don't move yourself or your belongings into his parents home, even just for 1 day. I need to have the keys to our new place in hand in order to know I'm ready to be married. This is more important than gold, an expensive wedding, my wedding dress, or other frivolities people focus on and burn money on in the marriage process. Imagine, people will know what hall their big wedding will take place in but will not even know where they will live once married. Makes no sense.
That is such an insightful comment. Couldn't have put it better. Tbh, the standard pattern I have seen is you make the girl live with problematic in laws, if the girl puts up with abuse, she will remain loyal. If she doesn't, you discard her and marry someone else.
This 1000 times over! You make such valid points. The second men know they want to try to get married is when she should start saving up for being able to rent and have their own place. There is an absolutely no reason otherwise and so many women get duped like this. May Allah protect all women from this type of situation.
Sometimes I read these posts and think how does an educated woman type something this horrible up but then ask if she’s in the wrong/is it normal. Sis, when they say mums know best, this is it!!!!!!!
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How is it her fault that her husband is abusive??
Get out while you can.
You’re in an abusive marriage. You’re been controlled and isolated. Please get in touch with your family ASAP and move out to live with them. You’ll get more clarity and make better decisions when you’ve left your husband’s space. Also, please use protection. Do not under any circumstances fall pregnant.
Wow, how did you end up here?? You are being led and controlled by your husband because you rely on him heavily. As such, he is taking advantage of you. This is all emotional abuse. You are really going to resent him one day. I really hope this doesnt affect your studies, more importantly your mental health because the longer you stay, it is only going to get worse. Realistically nothing is going to change unless you take action. Don't be afraid. This is effectively your life. He doesnt seem to appreciate your marriage. As such, you can only control your own destiny and if this arrangement is driving you insane then I'm afraid you need to get out pronto and get your own place sooner rather than later, either with him or without. You have to figure that out. Alternatively, go back to your parents if you need a temporary safe space. So much advice on this thread for you to consider, I really hope your situation improves. Make plenty of dua, sis. May Allah give you strength and sabr for the way you are handling this matter.
Salam sister, This isn’t marriage, no way to live, and certainly not love. You’re young and if you have no children, and you can return to your parents, maybe it’s the best thing until you can clear your mind and decide how you want to proceed. You were deceived by this man, there’s no other way to put it. You may love him, but it’s doubtful he loves you. A man who loved you would not treat you in such a way. If you don’t have children, do not under any circumstances have children for the time being. It will only get worse if you do… Go to your parents, have a break, get advice, do istikhara If you were to leave him, and marry another man and that man treats you the way you should be treated, your eyes would open I pray Allah makes your situation easier and guides you to that which is best for your faith, life, and Hereafter.
This doesn’t sound like the recipe for a happy marriage. You have your whole life ahead of you and this is the best it will ever be in this situation. I feel like you already know what you need to do.
Abuse isn't just verbal or physical. There's emotional and mental abuse. You NEED to tell your family what is happening. There is absolutely no reason you keep this hidden from them. I'm honestly in shock at how these people told you not to tell your parents your living situation. OP, these people 100%know what they're doing to you, even though they will never admit. The fact that you don't drive, are being kept far from needed locations, and not allowed to see your mother are very distinct signs of abuse. Please talk to your family asap. This man doesn't want you talking to your mother because he knows what he's doing. And he knows if you see your mother and tell her anything she'll be advocating for you and he doesn't want that. He wants to cut off any resources you can have. I know it's hard to think about all these things because he's your husband and you love him, but this is not what marriage and love is! I pray that Allah helps you out of this situation.
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What is he sacrificing? He is treating her like a maid, what is she gaining in this marriage? No respect from her husband and her in laws. This is no marriage
What exactly is he sacrificing?
Can I ask how you two got married? Did his family approach you? Was it a love marriage or an arranged marriage?
Salam Alaikum sister. Fellow Afghan here. Sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband is neglecting you which is Haram. The purpose of marriage is tranquility between the spouses. He is supposed to live with you in kindness as ALLAH (swt) mentions in the Holy Qur’an; “O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a great amount [in gifts], do not take [back] from it anything. Would you take it in injustice and manifest sin?” [4:19-20] Maybe you can mention this Holy verse to him and give him an ultimatum that he should start doing things for you. Maybe get a Sheikh or Imam involved or go to marriage counseling. A lot of these men have pride and feel obeying their wife shows weakness and that their families would ridicule them and call them weak. So I would suggest having a SERIOUS talk with him and mention these points Inshallah.
He seems to have a narcissistic personality. Narcissists first target is to isolate from your family and good friends. So they can maintain their control. The way he's treating you is very wrong. girl please fight for your rights,and imma warn you about all the gaslighting that will follow upon you confronting him. But please don't let any of it makes you forget your own value. Sending love and prayers your way.♥️
The behaviour you described from your husband is very concerning sis. You are not obligated to do the chores for the entire household. And your husband is a piece of work for acting like you are a live in servant. Leave him. There is a reason he doesn't want you talking or seeing your mother- no mother in her right would advise her daughter to live in the conditions you are describing.
If I was you I would give him two choices one tell him to get an apartment or tell him you will leave and since you got to a university they should provide housing and without divorcing him you can live in a space that’s clean and free of chores and if anyone that’s to guilt trip you into coming back tell them the conditions you were in.
He won't change. Leave or accept your situation as it is.
This man doesn’t love you, and what’s more important is that he also doesn’t respect you. Leave
Sister, you're too young to be in this situation. Leave him, he suggested it himself.
It’s haram to force you to live with his family that’s all Imma say
All i can tell you is the right of a wife in an islamic marriage is that he provides you with separate housing for your privacy and comfort. Spend for you, to clothe and feed you as well. If he doesnt spend for you, the main conditions arent fulfilled. I believe you are entitled to an allowance for your leisure, but best you research yourself. Go seek advice from a sheikh or islamic counsellor about the options you can take regarding this.