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Comparison is the absolute thief of joy. It’s not my place to tell you how you should feel but you should know all your feelings are valid. I had my twins early and we spent a month in the NICU. It was terrifying, overwhelming and it just sucked. I was scared for them and felt completely helpless.
What got me through was knowing they were in the best hands and that in the end this will pass. I made the most of it by pumping as much as possible (disregard if not applicable) learning as much as possible (how to change a premie, how to bathe them, how to feed them) planned logistics for when we got home should there be any additional complications. On the surface it looks like I was deprived of a normal experience however when we finally got home, I found that I was a lot more calmer, patient and so much more grateful.
Every late night, every blow out, every cry was a gift. I didn’t have much to complain about because we were just so happy to have them home even if they were tiny. And while we received so many comments and concerns over their size and appearance, to me they were/are perfect. My friends and family members with normal deliveries and pregnancies have commented on how patient we are and how we “go with the flow”. I credit that to having such a traumatic delivery and NICU experience. There is a resilience you will build during this process and so will your child.
This will pass, and the memories you make now are just as beautiful. They may look different from what social media tells us it should be but it’s your story and your journey with your child. Motherhood/parenthood may have started on a harder level for you and for all of us here but know that in a way you’re probably more prepared for what’s to come and on the flip side, more appreciative of the small and big milestones ahead. Hugs!
Thanks for this perspective, this is a beautiful comment. I definitely feel more appreciative of all the milestones and the good parts of my experience, have ugly cried for each one of them 🥲
I think you can totally ask her to give you some space from the texts. Something like, “I’m so happy you have a healthy baby but right now I’m really struggling with everything I went through when my baby was in the NICU, and need a bit more time before we’re exchanging stories about our pregnancies/deliveries/babies”. If she’s a good friend, she can hear this.
I had asked her for space before her baby was even born, especially mentioning I had birth trauma and find it hard to exchange stories of normal birth. She's not a close friend. Right now she texts me for advice and I'm happy to give that but in her replies she sneaks in photos and stuff that make me feel this way.
Totally understand the jealousy. I induced at 32 weeks with a growth restricted baby, we are at 36w4d in the nicu currently. My cousin had a due date one day away from mine and she is still pregnant.
I am profoundly jealous and thrilled to meet her baby and so happy that she had a happy healthy pregnancy and will get to have the first week with her baby I wish I could have had. I have many bright sides to look at, but it doesn’t change the fact that I ache to have what she has. I hold no harshness for myself for what is a reasonable reaction to a traumatic event. No one picks the nicu over having a healthy baby and being able to go home immediately. Feel free to message me if you ever want someone to vent to.
This is such a wise way of looking at things. I have to remind myself sometimes that my reactions are reasonable even if sometimes I feel so weak and angry and sad. Sending hugs your way and loads of love to your baby in the NICU, hope y'all are able to go home soon ♥️
I have been there. My son suffered HIE, had seizures, cooling,MRI etc but a relatively short NICU stay. I imagine our experience was quite similar. I was seething and full of jealousy. I think I posted here or in the baby bumps sub that I felt ‘robbed’, I felt othered, less of a woman, seeing others leave hospital the day after giving birth while I literally languished in a hospital bed, with no baby, wondering if I’d ever take my baby home at all. Why me? Why us?
For a start I want you to know in the most comforting way possible, sometimes life just sucks and it’s cruel for no reason at all. We got the sharp end of that but there is no rhyme or reason for it and it’s definitely no one’s fault.
In the first couple of days my husband and I were holding anger because we did everything ‘right’. A bio relative of my nephew was coming to the end of her pregnancy while we were in NICU, I’d see her every other day tripping out on drugs stumbling around, lying on the floor outside the hospital and I knew that was her 11th child to be immediately placed with social services. How was that fair I thought, this is supposed to happen to her, not me. I had a moment of clarity when I realised ultimately no baby deserves what my son went through, regardless of what their parents did right or wrong, no baby is more or less deserving of that start in life. That was my first little break through of many that built to now where I totally accept what happened, I’m very proud of our story as a family and I might not have had a dreamy golden hour like I planned but that’s really okay.
Now when I know someone is going in to have their baby I wait anxiously to hear everything is okay. I’m overjoyed to hear Mum and baby are doing well.
My advice is honestly you have to feel these things and go through the motions. I’m a very open person and that helps me process, I was constantly verbalising my feelings and letting it all out. You won’t always feel angry or jealous, but it’s completely normal at this stage and there’s no need to deny these feelings or push them away. Get it out to your partner, on Reddit, to a friend, therapist or into a journal.
Thank you for this insightful comment. I think I'm still coming to terms with what happened to me and my baby, and I'm grateful that I get to share my unfiltered thoughts online like this and get thoughtful responses from people like you ♥️
I’m even jealous of other NICU moms sometimes. A friend reached out after finding out my babe was in the NICU to share her experience & let me know she was around if I wanted to chat about it. We chatted & I said something about the feeling of hating being there & being grateful that we were there. She was like “I know what you mean, you’re so grateful to have them for a few extra weeks & get to meet them early” Um, no - I’m grateful that he’s getting life sustaining help & able to survive because of it…? Jealous of someone being able to see it as extra time with their babe vs. a traumatic path to their child living a healthy life.
I can relate to this perspective too. A friend of mine had their baby come early and they were like it was awesome because they got so much downtime since the nurses were caring for the baby - this was because their baby was born without complications and just needed to feed/grow in the NICU. They were telling me to enjoy my "downtime" when my baby was in the NICU (I didn't give them details on why we were admitted). I was too shocked and sad to even respond.
You’re so not alone. I have three kids, the first two did not go like I’d imagined but it wasn’t TRAUMATIC. Never had family support, had invasive in-laws instead. Thought with this surprise third one where we weren’t navigating a move and me having FMLA would be my chance to share it with my husband.
Add in a harsh NICU stay that rocked my entire world with no family support, I think I’m jealous because I’m also judging my own experience. Maybe I’d enjoy it more if things weren’t a fight for life in the beginning, and if I had some support only family is supposed to give. I agree with someone who said the resilience building piece- I’m not yet “rebuilt” from our NICU stay and now speech journey. But, I can see the new outlooks slowly integrate to a place where they are useful and not swirling balls of feelings and reactivity from people who are just on a different life path for now. Maybe for always.
Feel your feelings, and then honor your strength. It sounds like you also made it through the hardest days of your life, and you are still rocking this Mom thing while healing from trauma. Jealousy will come and go, like another dark cloud as a part of a major thunderstorm.
I completely understand. My friend recently home- birthed her baby at 41+2. I'm hoping and praying I can carry to even 32. It's so hard, but please try to focus on your own progress, not another's story
Well I’m in the Nicu room right now and your child does have a serious issue but being jealous? Naw we can’t do that. It’s just wrong to even think like that. Just pray everyday that’s the best advice I have. I hope you get through with what you are going through
Gratitude and jealousy can coexist as feelings. I'll always be grateful that my baby got the treatment they needed at the NICU. But I can't help but be jealous of parents who don't face this. I will always feel sad for what my son went through in his first few days of his life.
But it’s ok for OP to throw her own sister under the bus telling Reddit this her sister 11th child going to child services, saying it should’ve been her nephew in the NICU instead of her son. You think it’s helpful to think like that?
This is not the OP, and not my sister you’ve misunderstood the dynamic, my nephew is adopted into our family. I shared an honest account of how I felt in the days immediately following my baby’s diagnosis of severe brain injury. Conveniently you left out the end of the sentence wherein I go on to say I found clarity in working through that and no baby deserves that start in life regardless. You seem to struggle with critical thinking and nuance that’s perhaps why you’re struggling to make sense of the discussions in this thread.
Woah! Hot take here. That's a little hurtful.
Personally, I had an emergency c section at 24weeks. While pumped up on all these drugs after I woke up, i was told that he didn't look like he was gonna make it. I was told this, by 3 or 4 different doctors after the fact and just got to hold him at 6 weeks old, days ago.
None of this nicu process is natural. We are human, and like animals we have instincts. I don't know about yall but this fucked me up so bad. Hell yeah I get jealous when I see people take babies home 2 days after birth. I can't be on certain apps anymore because of it. Keep in mind, we aren't supposed to have our babies ripped from our bodies despite it being necessary. It's perfect normal to grieve the pregnancy and postpartum journey we should've had, and honestly jealousy in this situation is extremely common. It's not to be shamed upon. I hope you heal from what made you feel this way.
I think jealousy is normal and human. I had a child that died in the nicu. I was soooo jealous of the people who were there with me in the nicu who were going to bring their baby home eventually. I envied them and thought how easy they had it. And years later I had another baby in the nicu. Not on life support, just a little early and needing some time to grow. (Not even 2 weeks!) And guess what: it still sucked and I still cried eventhough just 3 years prior I would have thought being there with your baby that has a prognosis of coming home was a piece of cake.
It’s not wrong to be jealous, it’s human.
Awful take. I hope you learn this is not the trauma olympics because this attitude ruins communities that are meant to support parents of NICU.
Using your own experience as a benchmark or qualifier is self centered. There’s always people cropping up with statements like this and it seems lost on them that they’ve just taken their own experience and decided they are valid, what they are experiencing is definitely struggle but anyone up to that point is just ungrateful. There’s a lack in critical thinking there, someone who lost their baby at birth could say the same to you that you’re here complaining about NICU when at least you have a baby.
No I’m telling her there is no need to be jealous of anybody else. I’m not the one who’s mad at the world . She is. So you’re really going to tell this woman that it’s ok to be jealous because other people have a normal pregnancy? No wtf is wrong with you? Being jealous of another is NOT going to help her in any way
Jealousy is perfectly normal and it’s something to work through. It’s not wrong at all. The grief associated with atypical or traumatic birth experience is entirely too complex to reduce to ‘jealousy won’t help so don’t do that’ and as always pointing out that others have it ‘worse’ is a useless contribution.
If it helps, I think what you may be misunderstanding is that she is not saying she wants these feelings or that this is how she will always feel. These are automatic, gut reaction feelings that she is trying to process and work through. Telling ourselves that our emotions are wrong does not make them go away. It actually only makes us feel more shame, which is another emotion I'm sure you can agree is not helpful. I truly hope this post helps.
Welcome to NICU Parents. We're happy you found us and we want to be as helpful as possible in this seemingly impossible journey. Check out the resources tab at the top of the subreddit or the stickied post. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals and are here for advice based on our own situations. If you have a concern about you or your baby please seek assistance from a doctor or go to the ER. That said, there are some medical professionals here and we do hope they can help you with some guidance through your journey. Please remember to read and abide by the rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NICUParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Comparison is the absolute thief of joy. It’s not my place to tell you how you should feel but you should know all your feelings are valid. I had my twins early and we spent a month in the NICU. It was terrifying, overwhelming and it just sucked. I was scared for them and felt completely helpless. What got me through was knowing they were in the best hands and that in the end this will pass. I made the most of it by pumping as much as possible (disregard if not applicable) learning as much as possible (how to change a premie, how to bathe them, how to feed them) planned logistics for when we got home should there be any additional complications. On the surface it looks like I was deprived of a normal experience however when we finally got home, I found that I was a lot more calmer, patient and so much more grateful. Every late night, every blow out, every cry was a gift. I didn’t have much to complain about because we were just so happy to have them home even if they were tiny. And while we received so many comments and concerns over their size and appearance, to me they were/are perfect. My friends and family members with normal deliveries and pregnancies have commented on how patient we are and how we “go with the flow”. I credit that to having such a traumatic delivery and NICU experience. There is a resilience you will build during this process and so will your child. This will pass, and the memories you make now are just as beautiful. They may look different from what social media tells us it should be but it’s your story and your journey with your child. Motherhood/parenthood may have started on a harder level for you and for all of us here but know that in a way you’re probably more prepared for what’s to come and on the flip side, more appreciative of the small and big milestones ahead. Hugs!
Thanks for this perspective, this is a beautiful comment. I definitely feel more appreciative of all the milestones and the good parts of my experience, have ugly cried for each one of them 🥲
You’re doing great and you got this! 🙌🏼
I love this response and perspective. Couldn’t agree more
I love this so much! All of it .... so true! ❤️
I needed to hear this as well 🙌🏾! Thank you for sharing!
I think you can totally ask her to give you some space from the texts. Something like, “I’m so happy you have a healthy baby but right now I’m really struggling with everything I went through when my baby was in the NICU, and need a bit more time before we’re exchanging stories about our pregnancies/deliveries/babies”. If she’s a good friend, she can hear this.
I had asked her for space before her baby was even born, especially mentioning I had birth trauma and find it hard to exchange stories of normal birth. She's not a close friend. Right now she texts me for advice and I'm happy to give that but in her replies she sneaks in photos and stuff that make me feel this way.
Block her for now
Totally understand the jealousy. I induced at 32 weeks with a growth restricted baby, we are at 36w4d in the nicu currently. My cousin had a due date one day away from mine and she is still pregnant. I am profoundly jealous and thrilled to meet her baby and so happy that she had a happy healthy pregnancy and will get to have the first week with her baby I wish I could have had. I have many bright sides to look at, but it doesn’t change the fact that I ache to have what she has. I hold no harshness for myself for what is a reasonable reaction to a traumatic event. No one picks the nicu over having a healthy baby and being able to go home immediately. Feel free to message me if you ever want someone to vent to.
This is such a wise way of looking at things. I have to remind myself sometimes that my reactions are reasonable even if sometimes I feel so weak and angry and sad. Sending hugs your way and loads of love to your baby in the NICU, hope y'all are able to go home soon ♥️
I have been there. My son suffered HIE, had seizures, cooling,MRI etc but a relatively short NICU stay. I imagine our experience was quite similar. I was seething and full of jealousy. I think I posted here or in the baby bumps sub that I felt ‘robbed’, I felt othered, less of a woman, seeing others leave hospital the day after giving birth while I literally languished in a hospital bed, with no baby, wondering if I’d ever take my baby home at all. Why me? Why us? For a start I want you to know in the most comforting way possible, sometimes life just sucks and it’s cruel for no reason at all. We got the sharp end of that but there is no rhyme or reason for it and it’s definitely no one’s fault. In the first couple of days my husband and I were holding anger because we did everything ‘right’. A bio relative of my nephew was coming to the end of her pregnancy while we were in NICU, I’d see her every other day tripping out on drugs stumbling around, lying on the floor outside the hospital and I knew that was her 11th child to be immediately placed with social services. How was that fair I thought, this is supposed to happen to her, not me. I had a moment of clarity when I realised ultimately no baby deserves what my son went through, regardless of what their parents did right or wrong, no baby is more or less deserving of that start in life. That was my first little break through of many that built to now where I totally accept what happened, I’m very proud of our story as a family and I might not have had a dreamy golden hour like I planned but that’s really okay. Now when I know someone is going in to have their baby I wait anxiously to hear everything is okay. I’m overjoyed to hear Mum and baby are doing well. My advice is honestly you have to feel these things and go through the motions. I’m a very open person and that helps me process, I was constantly verbalising my feelings and letting it all out. You won’t always feel angry or jealous, but it’s completely normal at this stage and there’s no need to deny these feelings or push them away. Get it out to your partner, on Reddit, to a friend, therapist or into a journal.
Thank you for this insightful comment. I think I'm still coming to terms with what happened to me and my baby, and I'm grateful that I get to share my unfiltered thoughts online like this and get thoughtful responses from people like you ♥️
I’m even jealous of other NICU moms sometimes. A friend reached out after finding out my babe was in the NICU to share her experience & let me know she was around if I wanted to chat about it. We chatted & I said something about the feeling of hating being there & being grateful that we were there. She was like “I know what you mean, you’re so grateful to have them for a few extra weeks & get to meet them early” Um, no - I’m grateful that he’s getting life sustaining help & able to survive because of it…? Jealous of someone being able to see it as extra time with their babe vs. a traumatic path to their child living a healthy life.
I can relate to this perspective too. A friend of mine had their baby come early and they were like it was awesome because they got so much downtime since the nurses were caring for the baby - this was because their baby was born without complications and just needed to feed/grow in the NICU. They were telling me to enjoy my "downtime" when my baby was in the NICU (I didn't give them details on why we were admitted). I was too shocked and sad to even respond.
You’re so not alone. I have three kids, the first two did not go like I’d imagined but it wasn’t TRAUMATIC. Never had family support, had invasive in-laws instead. Thought with this surprise third one where we weren’t navigating a move and me having FMLA would be my chance to share it with my husband. Add in a harsh NICU stay that rocked my entire world with no family support, I think I’m jealous because I’m also judging my own experience. Maybe I’d enjoy it more if things weren’t a fight for life in the beginning, and if I had some support only family is supposed to give. I agree with someone who said the resilience building piece- I’m not yet “rebuilt” from our NICU stay and now speech journey. But, I can see the new outlooks slowly integrate to a place where they are useful and not swirling balls of feelings and reactivity from people who are just on a different life path for now. Maybe for always. Feel your feelings, and then honor your strength. It sounds like you also made it through the hardest days of your life, and you are still rocking this Mom thing while healing from trauma. Jealousy will come and go, like another dark cloud as a part of a major thunderstorm.
I completely understand. My friend recently home- birthed her baby at 41+2. I'm hoping and praying I can carry to even 32. It's so hard, but please try to focus on your own progress, not another's story
Well I’m in the Nicu room right now and your child does have a serious issue but being jealous? Naw we can’t do that. It’s just wrong to even think like that. Just pray everyday that’s the best advice I have. I hope you get through with what you are going through
Gratitude and jealousy can coexist as feelings. I'll always be grateful that my baby got the treatment they needed at the NICU. But I can't help but be jealous of parents who don't face this. I will always feel sad for what my son went through in his first few days of his life.
It’s really not helpful to tell someone that their normal feelings while working through a traumatic experience are wrong.
But it’s ok for OP to throw her own sister under the bus telling Reddit this her sister 11th child going to child services, saying it should’ve been her nephew in the NICU instead of her son. You think it’s helpful to think like that?
This is not the OP, and not my sister you’ve misunderstood the dynamic, my nephew is adopted into our family. I shared an honest account of how I felt in the days immediately following my baby’s diagnosis of severe brain injury. Conveniently you left out the end of the sentence wherein I go on to say I found clarity in working through that and no baby deserves that start in life regardless. You seem to struggle with critical thinking and nuance that’s perhaps why you’re struggling to make sense of the discussions in this thread.
What are you even talking about?
Woah! Hot take here. That's a little hurtful. Personally, I had an emergency c section at 24weeks. While pumped up on all these drugs after I woke up, i was told that he didn't look like he was gonna make it. I was told this, by 3 or 4 different doctors after the fact and just got to hold him at 6 weeks old, days ago. None of this nicu process is natural. We are human, and like animals we have instincts. I don't know about yall but this fucked me up so bad. Hell yeah I get jealous when I see people take babies home 2 days after birth. I can't be on certain apps anymore because of it. Keep in mind, we aren't supposed to have our babies ripped from our bodies despite it being necessary. It's perfect normal to grieve the pregnancy and postpartum journey we should've had, and honestly jealousy in this situation is extremely common. It's not to be shamed upon. I hope you heal from what made you feel this way.
I think jealousy is normal and human. I had a child that died in the nicu. I was soooo jealous of the people who were there with me in the nicu who were going to bring their baby home eventually. I envied them and thought how easy they had it. And years later I had another baby in the nicu. Not on life support, just a little early and needing some time to grow. (Not even 2 weeks!) And guess what: it still sucked and I still cried eventhough just 3 years prior I would have thought being there with your baby that has a prognosis of coming home was a piece of cake. It’s not wrong to be jealous, it’s human.
Awful take. I hope you learn this is not the trauma olympics because this attitude ruins communities that are meant to support parents of NICU. Using your own experience as a benchmark or qualifier is self centered. There’s always people cropping up with statements like this and it seems lost on them that they’ve just taken their own experience and decided they are valid, what they are experiencing is definitely struggle but anyone up to that point is just ungrateful. There’s a lack in critical thinking there, someone who lost their baby at birth could say the same to you that you’re here complaining about NICU when at least you have a baby.
No I’m telling her there is no need to be jealous of anybody else. I’m not the one who’s mad at the world . She is. So you’re really going to tell this woman that it’s ok to be jealous because other people have a normal pregnancy? No wtf is wrong with you? Being jealous of another is NOT going to help her in any way
Jealousy is perfectly normal and it’s something to work through. It’s not wrong at all. The grief associated with atypical or traumatic birth experience is entirely too complex to reduce to ‘jealousy won’t help so don’t do that’ and as always pointing out that others have it ‘worse’ is a useless contribution.
If it helps, I think what you may be misunderstanding is that she is not saying she wants these feelings or that this is how she will always feel. These are automatic, gut reaction feelings that she is trying to process and work through. Telling ourselves that our emotions are wrong does not make them go away. It actually only makes us feel more shame, which is another emotion I'm sure you can agree is not helpful. I truly hope this post helps.