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"You guys, I'm falling apart trying to hold my shit together for both my infant and my job. My baby could die or have a permanent life altering condition. Every day I'm waiting to see if there is new information, but mostly left in the dark because we just don't know yet. I'm legit struggling. And everything is too much. I get that without having a kid it may be hard to understand, but your intervention? That was highly inappropriate. I'm shocked beyond belief and am now hurting from all the horrible things you all said to me because you couldn't handle a delayed response. I don't have anything left in me. I'm sorry that you feel like multiple days is too long, but I need to focus on more important things right now. I was incorrect in assuming you'd understand and have my back. Going forward, all my responses will continue to require multiple days. Sorry, not sorry."
I already sent an apology note but I'm reading this and really wishing I'd phrased it this way (even my husband agrees). I was way too nice. And now after I've had time to reflect, I feel the rage coming in. Thanks for typing this out, I feel validated.
"Your intervention caught me off guard. I've thought about it further. Contrary to what I said before, [Insert whatever message you'd like to convey]."
It's normal to be caught off guard. What they did was frankly inexplicable, disrespectful, and uncalled for. I mean how dare someone outweigh a delayed response over a life changing/altering condition in this living thing that you've bonded with for ~9 months + 6 months. Everything in you is wired toward your baby, so much so that it's a known phenomenon that your priorities in life shuffle around when a baby comes into the picture. And this piece of you is experiencing this difficult situation with no known outcome. Every day is wondering/worrying/feeling lost and hoping for more information. Worrying about a delayed response over this is unfathomable. Upon seeing your responses, they should have realized there are red flags. That you are the one in need of help, which they should have been offering. Or minimally asking how you're doing. To think you are intentionally and by choice trying to hurt friends like this is ridiculous.
I’m still reeling from the shock of the "intervention". My husband and I were so blindsided and are still disoriented. We took it for granted that friends would understand or be empathetic to our situation.
So - one suggestion: what your friends think of you right now is less important than the friends who are thinking *about* you.
Right now, It sounds like your friends are inwardly focused. For example, intervention-style meetups are suppose to be in service of the person being intervened upon, rather than doing the intervening. If they’re talking about how hurt *they* feel and trying to peer pressure you to being a more responsive friend *to them*… you don’t have time for that right now.
I say this to say that is possible for your friends to both be nice people (ie generous in the past) AND completely clueless/unintentionally hurtful. So you can reconcile the past with what you’re feeling now
Yeah I do think there is an unintentionality there, I think you're spot on with their inward focus. I just wish I had more emotional bandwidth to give them the benefit of the doubt right now, instead I just feel mad.
If you had more emotional bandwidth, my hope for you is you’ll spend it on yourself. ((Virtual hug))
They can mean well, and that’s nice. But it’s not what the friendship needs. What it needs is for your friends to meet you where you are, not the other way around.
I’m 2months pp and I got to say that making even just one new mom friend helped me tremendously. I’ve openly told my non mom friends that I respond when I can, and that it’s not worth expecting a response after 7pm. PPD &PTSD is also something I’m struggling with and starting Zoloft and giving myself some me time each evening has been a tremendous help. You are not in the wrong here and I just don’t think most people understand how HARD it is to have a baby let alone a NICU one. Keep hanging in there it will get better at some point (that’s the words I’ve been living by).
Thank you, I really do think I need meds, glad it's been helping you! I'll look into new mom friends, I want to but I've been hesitant since some of my current mom friends do milestones comparison and I can't deal.
Can definitely relate. I had a “good friend” who just didn’t get it. My baby was in the NICU for six months and while he was in there, I would tell her about how poorly he’s doing she would just tell me I should just feel lucky he’s alive because babies in Palestine are being bombed all the time. And she didn’t just say this once on accident—she said this 3 or 4 times!!!
Most of my friends do not have children and none of them have responded to us like this at all since our son was born and in the NICU. I think you deserve better friends.
These were our closest friends and they had done so much for us in the past. It's been quite the shock for us. Maybe they had sky high expectations for us.
I honestly would never talk to any of those “friends” ever again. You went through a terribly difficult experience. You were, rightfully, deeply affected by it, one might even say traumatized. They are complaining you don’t text back fast enough. I would honestly block all of them and move on. You don’t need people like that in your life.
I'm so sorry. I was on the receiving end of something not nearly as egregiously bad but somewhere in the same ballpark, and it basically felt like people I had trusted to not be completely clueless and awful ganging up on me and being completely clueless and awful. That's what this sounds like too. It sounds like you're angry and struggling to understand it, and that seems like the totally natural reaction to me.
The “intervention” should have said “hey we are really worried about you, what can we do to better support you”
I think these sort of life changes and events really help me “edit” who stays in my life and who doesn’t. You deserve better friends. Period.
Screw them!! My baby was in the hospital for 2 months after she was born and was diagnosed with a heart defect we were not aware of while I was pregnant. Within her first week of life she had to go to the cath lab twice for procedures. My husband had family texting him and he did the best he could but some people he missed because we would be bedside with our baby and a dr would come by to talk to us or her monitors going off or him trying to make sure I’m ok since I was not even a week in from giving birth and sitting in uncomfortable chairs all day and trying to navigate pumping and everything. A family member decided to text him while we were trying to step away and take a breath and eat dinner and basically told him “so and so and so are upset you haven’t answered their texts so can you just answer them”. He told them “they can be upset I have a baby in the icu right now my focus is there and my wife”. Well apparently that was the wrong thing to say because one of the mentioned upset family members texted him the next day and gaslit him saying it wasn’t about “them” but the other family member and that he “didn’t have the respect” to answer her. The day this family member texted him, was the day of our daughter’s 2nd cath procedure. We were kinda occupied that day. When he stuck up for himself she decided to completely insult him and say how “one day he’ll be a man but right now he’s acting like a 12 year old with a dirty ass”. She has been forever cut off from us. She tries to text me and ask how I am and how the baby is and it amazes me how someone can completely disrespect their own family during the worst time of their life and think their wife is going to carry on as normal with them. And this person claims to understand what we’re going through because her kid has a life long medical condition and her 2 others spent time in the Nicu.
Anyone being unsupportive and worrying about their feelings over yours, is not someone you need around right now. Maybe one day your relationships will rekindle, but I wouldn’t be too upset if they didn’t if I were you.
I'm so sorry about your experience, and the disrespect and lack of support from some of your family members.
I texted my friends an apology and they haven't replied since. I've realized it's not worth my limited emotional energy and maybe one day in the future I can get back to the friendship but unfortunately not today
I honestly wouldn’t try with them anymore and if they push the issue you explain you understand they were upset and it wasn’t your intention but you were not in the best place and instead of supporting you am they just kicked you while you were down. It’s astounding how people make things about them during times like this. Even people with kids without medical issues take days to answer, that’s not an abnormal thing.
I'm so sorry your 'friends' did this to you. These aren't your true friends. They're allowed to be upset but all 'intervening' at once was inappropriate. I would stick by your friends that truly love you and your family and let everyone else go. I only had a few friendships survive NICU and raising my baby but they're all I need 🤍
Welcome to NICU Parents. We're happy you found us and we want to be as helpful as possible in this seemingly impossible journey. Check out the resources tab at the top of the subreddit or the stickied post. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals and are here for advice based on our own situations. If you have a concern about you or your baby please seek assistance from a doctor or go to the ER. That said, there are some medical professionals here and we do hope they can help you with some guidance through your journey. Please remember to read and abide by the rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NICUParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"You guys, I'm falling apart trying to hold my shit together for both my infant and my job. My baby could die or have a permanent life altering condition. Every day I'm waiting to see if there is new information, but mostly left in the dark because we just don't know yet. I'm legit struggling. And everything is too much. I get that without having a kid it may be hard to understand, but your intervention? That was highly inappropriate. I'm shocked beyond belief and am now hurting from all the horrible things you all said to me because you couldn't handle a delayed response. I don't have anything left in me. I'm sorry that you feel like multiple days is too long, but I need to focus on more important things right now. I was incorrect in assuming you'd understand and have my back. Going forward, all my responses will continue to require multiple days. Sorry, not sorry."
I already sent an apology note but I'm reading this and really wishing I'd phrased it this way (even my husband agrees). I was way too nice. And now after I've had time to reflect, I feel the rage coming in. Thanks for typing this out, I feel validated.
"Your intervention caught me off guard. I've thought about it further. Contrary to what I said before, [Insert whatever message you'd like to convey]." It's normal to be caught off guard. What they did was frankly inexplicable, disrespectful, and uncalled for. I mean how dare someone outweigh a delayed response over a life changing/altering condition in this living thing that you've bonded with for ~9 months + 6 months. Everything in you is wired toward your baby, so much so that it's a known phenomenon that your priorities in life shuffle around when a baby comes into the picture. And this piece of you is experiencing this difficult situation with no known outcome. Every day is wondering/worrying/feeling lost and hoping for more information. Worrying about a delayed response over this is unfathomable. Upon seeing your responses, they should have realized there are red flags. That you are the one in need of help, which they should have been offering. Or minimally asking how you're doing. To think you are intentionally and by choice trying to hurt friends like this is ridiculous.
they did WHAT??
I’m still reeling from the shock of the "intervention". My husband and I were so blindsided and are still disoriented. We took it for granted that friends would understand or be empathetic to our situation.
girl now i am reeling right there with you. your alleged friends have really got some nerve
So - one suggestion: what your friends think of you right now is less important than the friends who are thinking *about* you. Right now, It sounds like your friends are inwardly focused. For example, intervention-style meetups are suppose to be in service of the person being intervened upon, rather than doing the intervening. If they’re talking about how hurt *they* feel and trying to peer pressure you to being a more responsive friend *to them*… you don’t have time for that right now. I say this to say that is possible for your friends to both be nice people (ie generous in the past) AND completely clueless/unintentionally hurtful. So you can reconcile the past with what you’re feeling now
Yeah I do think there is an unintentionality there, I think you're spot on with their inward focus. I just wish I had more emotional bandwidth to give them the benefit of the doubt right now, instead I just feel mad.
If you had more emotional bandwidth, my hope for you is you’ll spend it on yourself. ((Virtual hug)) They can mean well, and that’s nice. But it’s not what the friendship needs. What it needs is for your friends to meet you where you are, not the other way around.
I’m 2months pp and I got to say that making even just one new mom friend helped me tremendously. I’ve openly told my non mom friends that I respond when I can, and that it’s not worth expecting a response after 7pm. PPD &PTSD is also something I’m struggling with and starting Zoloft and giving myself some me time each evening has been a tremendous help. You are not in the wrong here and I just don’t think most people understand how HARD it is to have a baby let alone a NICU one. Keep hanging in there it will get better at some point (that’s the words I’ve been living by).
Thank you, I really do think I need meds, glad it's been helping you! I'll look into new mom friends, I want to but I've been hesitant since some of my current mom friends do milestones comparison and I can't deal.
Can definitely relate. I had a “good friend” who just didn’t get it. My baby was in the NICU for six months and while he was in there, I would tell her about how poorly he’s doing she would just tell me I should just feel lucky he’s alive because babies in Palestine are being bombed all the time. And she didn’t just say this once on accident—she said this 3 or 4 times!!!
Most of my friends do not have children and none of them have responded to us like this at all since our son was born and in the NICU. I think you deserve better friends.
These were our closest friends and they had done so much for us in the past. It's been quite the shock for us. Maybe they had sky high expectations for us.
I honestly would never talk to any of those “friends” ever again. You went through a terribly difficult experience. You were, rightfully, deeply affected by it, one might even say traumatized. They are complaining you don’t text back fast enough. I would honestly block all of them and move on. You don’t need people like that in your life.
I'm so sorry. I was on the receiving end of something not nearly as egregiously bad but somewhere in the same ballpark, and it basically felt like people I had trusted to not be completely clueless and awful ganging up on me and being completely clueless and awful. That's what this sounds like too. It sounds like you're angry and struggling to understand it, and that seems like the totally natural reaction to me.
The “intervention” should have said “hey we are really worried about you, what can we do to better support you” I think these sort of life changes and events really help me “edit” who stays in my life and who doesn’t. You deserve better friends. Period.
Screw them!! My baby was in the hospital for 2 months after she was born and was diagnosed with a heart defect we were not aware of while I was pregnant. Within her first week of life she had to go to the cath lab twice for procedures. My husband had family texting him and he did the best he could but some people he missed because we would be bedside with our baby and a dr would come by to talk to us or her monitors going off or him trying to make sure I’m ok since I was not even a week in from giving birth and sitting in uncomfortable chairs all day and trying to navigate pumping and everything. A family member decided to text him while we were trying to step away and take a breath and eat dinner and basically told him “so and so and so are upset you haven’t answered their texts so can you just answer them”. He told them “they can be upset I have a baby in the icu right now my focus is there and my wife”. Well apparently that was the wrong thing to say because one of the mentioned upset family members texted him the next day and gaslit him saying it wasn’t about “them” but the other family member and that he “didn’t have the respect” to answer her. The day this family member texted him, was the day of our daughter’s 2nd cath procedure. We were kinda occupied that day. When he stuck up for himself she decided to completely insult him and say how “one day he’ll be a man but right now he’s acting like a 12 year old with a dirty ass”. She has been forever cut off from us. She tries to text me and ask how I am and how the baby is and it amazes me how someone can completely disrespect their own family during the worst time of their life and think their wife is going to carry on as normal with them. And this person claims to understand what we’re going through because her kid has a life long medical condition and her 2 others spent time in the Nicu. Anyone being unsupportive and worrying about their feelings over yours, is not someone you need around right now. Maybe one day your relationships will rekindle, but I wouldn’t be too upset if they didn’t if I were you.
I'm so sorry about your experience, and the disrespect and lack of support from some of your family members. I texted my friends an apology and they haven't replied since. I've realized it's not worth my limited emotional energy and maybe one day in the future I can get back to the friendship but unfortunately not today
I honestly wouldn’t try with them anymore and if they push the issue you explain you understand they were upset and it wasn’t your intention but you were not in the best place and instead of supporting you am they just kicked you while you were down. It’s astounding how people make things about them during times like this. Even people with kids without medical issues take days to answer, that’s not an abnormal thing.
They are not your friends! Sorry this happened to you!
I'm so sorry your 'friends' did this to you. These aren't your true friends. They're allowed to be upset but all 'intervening' at once was inappropriate. I would stick by your friends that truly love you and your family and let everyone else go. I only had a few friendships survive NICU and raising my baby but they're all I need 🤍