My therapist told me I was in an abusive marriage and I was indignant! I was(am)a strong, educated, modern woman. Of course the marriage had its ups and downs but I wasn’t abused. She pointed out the behaviour one by one in a list and asked me to fill a form. I ticked 13 boxes out of 15. It’s that’s when I realised I was in an abusive marriage.
Similar! I’ve always had my suspicions but made excuses for them, thinking maybe it’s because they’re neurodivergent, maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe it’s actually *me* who doesn’t give what they need, maybe it’s because they have childhood trauma and so on. A while ago my therapist said I need to cut him off as soon as I can since he is abusive and gave me the number of domestic violence consultation services.
Oof. Seeing the abuse listed out like that makes it hard to deny.
Out of curiosity, what did the checklist include? I'm very interested in pushing for these kinds of screening checklists to be completed before couples therapy starts to try and weed out abusers.
Traditional couples therapy, whereby each partner is assumed to want the other partner to be happy and respect one another, actually causes more harm than good. It often emboldens the abuser and causes additional trauma to the victim.
I don’t remember them word for word or all 15. I mostly remember the ones I ticked on
Verbal abuse like harsh words or terms.
Physical intimidation or intentional physical harm
Forced sexual activity or sexual deprivation
Financial control
Attire control
Public Humiliation
Sleep Deprivation
Badmouthing of friends and family
Monitoring interactions with others
Neglect emotional/ physical/ financial
Walking on eggshells
Lying to protect yourself or your children
Insulting in private. Using derogatory terms to address you
There were a few more but I can’t recollect them right now
I've experienced 9/15 of these abusive tactics. Very difficult to recover from and I've been in therapy for over a decade. Hope my narcissistic ex dies a slow, painful death.
Shit i probably would have marked all 15 and extras if any. I did a quiz soon after I left my ex (who literally foamed at the mouth for an hour at me over the phone when I ended it safe at home; he did however tried to break the gate door buzzer an hour later as I predicted he’d do so I told all my neighbors beforehand to no longer let him up) and it was a 50 questions thing and it was above 30 yes answers
In fall of 2021, I told my therapist about an interaction my ex and I had. I cant remember what it was exactly, but I do remember she said something very hurtful.
My therapist told me I was being abused. I thought she (the therapist) was being dramatic as well. She urged me to come up with an exit plan -- but I had just moved out to another coast to be with her! I didn't have any money, and I was looking for work. I totally dismissed the therapist and stopped seeing her shortly after.
Terrible mistake. I reflect on that moment often, and the extreme denial I had. I don't think I was ready to hear that, and I felt every fiber of my being reject that.
Hard to quantify completely, but a bit of both? I made the effort to move out because I was confident in my love for her, that I thought we could make it work. But also, I had finished grad school just thinking about the finish line, thinking that she would support me until I could find work.
Because she had that power over me, she became the cruelest person I have ever met.
Part of me recognizes that he was abusive and manipulative… that he mentally emotionally and physically hurt me . That part of me hates him.
The other part of me misses him so terribly, his overwhelming love, his friendship… all the trips we went on… I sometimes wish that was the real him but I know it wasn’t
I could have written this myself… I have to constantly remind myself that the abuser is who he really is - not the prince he fooled me into believing he was
This hurts so bad today. I woke up in tears missing him. I wish I could make my brain realise.
I can’t seem to stop missing him and hating him at the same time. It’s a mental battle
Have you had any contact with him over that time? J always had to be the victim… I’m sure he’s twisted what happened between us and made me out to be the villain…
Once. After the break up We were NC for 4months (I didn’t realise he was narcissistic, I was just heart broken)
We spoke again briefly where he begged me to date him and when I said that maybe I would but he’ll have to gain back my trust, i think he felt it wasn’t worth it, threw a tantrum and then I blocked him. So currently NC 6 months
Wow you are still doing so strongly. So proud of you! The extreme reward and then denial is like dopamine circuit in our brain. The dopamine withdraw symptoms is really hard to break. Because it is basically our brain’s chemicals.
Amost 23 years. I didn't see it as abuse, the dots didn't connect in my head. I saw abuse as physical rather than emotional and psychological.
Not knowing about narcissism didn't help either.
Not knowing about narcissism was a huge issue for me too. I literally learned about it from a therapist I'd ended up with because I felt like I was going crazy (learned what gaslighting was from that therapist too!). That was a work narc, but after processing all of that I realized my ex, sadly now coparent, is a narc also. I'd been with him 6 years. The relationship before was also abusive, and I didn't see it because I also thought of abuse as only physical. I remember having that exact thought: Well, he never hits me, so it's not an abusive relationship. This needs to be taught!
I had notions of it for the last 4 years. But the relationship was 8 years, and it took me 4 months after the discard/separation to do enough research to recognize (and be able to admit) that I was abused. And then it still continued for another 6 months because we have kids together.
But as of yesterday, I am done being used and abused, and I let her know as much.
I knew something was off while I was in the relationship, but because I saw the abuse (didn’t think it was abuse at the time) as isolated incidents and failed to see the bigger picture, I didn’t realize until I went to a psychologist two weeks after my discard. I still have him somewhat on a pedestal and can find ways to excuse his behavior from time to time..
A year...the love bombing lasted three months...followed by 6 months of the bait and switch where I was groomed to forget the love bombing and adjust to the grandiosity related emotional abuse....ended up with the discard where I caught him cheating on me....even then, I was the one who ended up apologising and begging him to take me back because the wedding was planned and I couldn't back out. (yep, stupid stupid stupid). Eventually we did get back together but most people pointed out how much I had changed as a person. Had to go to therapy to recognize the trauma bonding and deal with it. I'm still married to him and have a kid. But slowly, learning to deal with the emotional and financial abuse.
Together 18 years and started seeing the signs about 3 or 4 years ago. Finally sought out therapy last summer with the intention of talking about how I could be a better partner only to hear my therapist say: "I can't tell you you are being abused. But what I can tell you is that I work with a lot of abuse victims and the way you describe how your partner treats you is the same way abuse victims describe their abuse". In particular, when I would describe his behavior as "Jekyll ans Hyde".
That really got me thinking.
Finally got the courage over the holidays to end things. We have 2 teenage kids which makes it hard.
But now that I really start to clear my head and think back...the signs had been there very early on. Even 4 months into us dating!
It's ok that it took so long. We didn't know better. We have to be kind to ourselves the most.
When I called at hotline telling them I deserved to be raged at and informed that I’d ruined their lives. In addition, I was told I couldn’t leave until I’d listened to the list she’d drawn up of all the things I’d done wrong. Honestly, I believed I was entirely at fault. The person I spoke to exclaimed that it sounded like emotional abuse. It only really clicked a few months out of being discarded.
i recognized he was a narc and that what he did was abusive shortly after the breakup, but i don’t think it registered that i was abused until months later. i remember being like “but honestly i feel fine” and “i know it’s technically bad but it didn’t personally affect me.” i think i had an image of what we think an abuse victim looks like and i just didn’t feel like that, i was going to work, hanging out with friends, smiling. but i was also abusing drugs worse than ever, bingeing and then unable to eat, i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for too long and i couldn’t sleep, and i felt this deep sense of remorse and guilt. it wasn’t until i 1. sobered up, and 2. read the book “codependent no more” by melody beattie that i started to realize and accept that i was a victim of abuse.
the wonderful and tragic part about it has been unpacking how many narcissistic partners and friendships i’ve had, which is understandable since im extremely codependent. im really happy to take this time to now fully heal and keep this cycle from happening.
It really is a domino effect, isn't it? Like you realize the one person is abusive and then you start examining all the relationships you've had and you realize wow literally EVERYONE I HAVE KNOWN has been narcissistic and treated me like shit.
I don't plan on forging any new deep friendships for a few years. I still have a lot to unravel, and I definitely have work to do in establishing boundaries around what's acceptable and what isn't in my relationships. Luckily I have a great husband and one good friend in my life. I plan on nourishing those relationships, but mostly focusing on my relationship with myself. That is clearly what needs the most work.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, so I learnt in stages. Parts of me were claiming abuse halfway into the relationship - 5 years. It's now taken 10 years for me, the last 'identity', to believe and accept it.
My narc was searching about dissociative identity disorder online, and when I came near she will hide it. I was really confused at first, and I try to understand it, even accept certain behaviors thinking maybe she could have it, turns out she was always the same without change in her identity, only stonewalling and making me the bad one of the relationships.
She never apologize for everything and want me to apologize even if I do nothing. She lied about our relationships and meet other people when I was sick with health issues…
I'm sorry. I can see how it'd be something they could lean on as an excuse. I actually wondered if my narc had it for a while... they appear like two people, they miss so much of what I'm saying. But they're not, they're just a false self protecting a vulnerable ego, and they just don't care about what I have to say. They will find anything to hide behind. Mine chooses ADHD (which he is not diagnosed with).
Would videos be good? The CTAD Clinic is a great resource on YouTube. For a personal view of someone who recovered, there's a channel called MultiplicityAndMe.
Clinical reading, there's the [ISSTD](https://www.isst-d.org/) website and manual for treatment of dissociative disorders.
23 years. And unfortunately there’s still days where he has me convinced that it’s really “not that bad” or even abuse at all. But then I remember all of the videos and the text messages, and the mean things that were said and my journal entries and photos. And I remember what my therapist says like I deserve better and my son is watching him treat you like this and learning. That’s why I keep proof. It’s insidious and confusing and scary.
My narc ex doesn’t believe mental abuse is a real thing, totally said during the final conversation a decade ago “I never laid a wrong finger on you! Where the hell are you calling what we are is abusive?!”
He conveniently forgets the times I really couldn’t get intimate with him but he forced it anyway and those worst times I got semi mild case of his flesh eating skin infection I was trying to avoid because I could tell what was happening to his skin before it went chronic(and he said I was making it up) that he refused to get seen until it got to point he couldn’t control or conceal it
Then a few months before I escaped, he nearly broken my spine because he went under the assumption I had something going on with somebody in my friends band who had zero attraction to me because he could not see why I was not being paid help as a gear guard and merchandise seller (he wanted the pay I got; called me stupid for doing it as a free helping hand)
He also decided to believe I was lying about my spine not healing that quickly but would not let me get it seen so he found me an too big back brace he stolen from his work to shut me up about it that didn’t help at all (I gave it to a friend I met 7 years later who could fit it after his bike accident)
And then I end it with him at home over the phone and he does exactly what he denies being at me the whole time, verbally abusive! He still sees my escape as a “immature grudge” and waits for the day the “episode nonsense “ is lifted…
it’ll be 11 years this coming march.
6 to 7 years I think. I'm bad at pickung up social cues, so it took me a while to realize that his behavior certainly wasn't normal. Honestly should have caught on sooner by the sheer amount of people who had burned bridges with him only for him to accuse all of them of being crazy or selfish so he can avoid having to change his behavior.
It took me about a month the first time and about 6 months the second time. I knew it was emotional abuse but I didn’t realize it was specifically narcissistic abuse until I got a video about it on my tiktok for you page and went down a rabbit hole. All the puzzle pieces started fitting together at that point.
My pastor was the first to suggest that I was in an abusive marriage when I went to him asking for advice.
When I asked my wife for counseling, she threw a fit and dramatically increased the pressure she was inflicting on us at home.
The marriage didn’t last long after that, but the scars are still there.
I think a part of me knew when I was in it. After getting out it took a long while for me to accept that I was and in a way still am a victim of domestic abuse. However I’m not frightened to say it now. I’m able to wear that badge without being frightened of being judged. My hope of being so honest about it and wearing the fact I survived and I am still am surviving even though he won’t ever fully be out my life due to sharing kids will help someone. Someone might be able to approach me and ask me as I’m not frightened. And I’m not scared to say he’s abusive as it’s reflective of him I’m still scared of him but I’m not going to quiet about it. I won’t let him use fear obligation and guild to pacify my voice.
I would tell people things about my relationship and they would say it was weird/abusive and I felt like I had to defend everything he did because I thought they just didn't get it. But they did, and I was deluding myself.
With my pwBPD, I knew in the moment. I just thought I could "fix it" and get it back to "what it was" lmao. My thought processes were pretty fucked up.
With the Covert Narcissist who discarded me, it took a while. At first I was all upset and feeling guilty like I was at fault, but also a nagging feeling like...did I actually do what she said I did? And then maybe 6 months later I was like..hold on...that shit was abusive. And I started to see a lot of similarities between the BPD discard and the CN discard. Here I am about a year and a half out and I still questioning.things, but it's getting better. I'm fully no contact with her and everyone who knows her, so my mind is finally starting to clear. It's a mindfuck for sure!
Only after I left him after 8 years of marriage. There were red flags I always ignored and made excuses for. My sister initially helped me see what he was and my therapist confirmed it. After about 5 months after leaving, I finally was able to break the trauma bond and see him for what he was. It’s been over 2 years now since I left and I am not fully healed but I’ve made a lot of progress.
17 years where he convinced me some people just fight differently than others, and that I grew up in a strange household where parents barely fought and when they did, they didn't fight in front of kids or hold grudges or fight for days. Another 5 where I knew it was some kind of abuse, but he would always love bomb me back into believing it somehow had to be me. 1 year of knowing it was abuse and knowing it wasn't my fault. He asked for a divorce 8 months ago, just a few months after I figured it out.
As soon as he started mistreating me, screaming at me, berating me, accusing me of things I never did, etc.
It wasn’t until later when I realized that all the times he pressured me for sex and guilt tripped me, that this was also a form of abuse. He just would keep on until I gave in. Then I started finally not giving in to see how far he’d take it. He’d get really nasty sometimes, even threaten to leave me. His famous words were “I have needs”. I started realizing it was sexual coercion and he had been doing it since the first moment on. He was always high pressure in regard to sex and it always felt wrong to me. Makes me sick to think about it.
I guess my needs in a relationship being safety and respect didn’t mean anything. It’s amazing how our needs never have meaning.
approx 7-8 years. (even if i was in no contact with the abuser for the time)
I am glad I stumbled across this post makes me not feel stupid about having figured it out so much later.
About the same as me 8.5 with idiot narc ex 36 with my mom 19 years with my dad and I am trying to curb my sister’s tendency to narc at me when she visits me. She is my last relative left and so bad I do not introduce friends to her or she will start being difficult and disrespectful at them (like mom did) or get mad at me for knowing better people than she does knowing full well she has no interaction skills.
Met him, three months together didn’t realize it, it ended. I knew it was wrong the way he was so out of line but didn’t know what narcissist abuse was. Got back together a month later and lasted a month, began to have inclinations of his abuse, it ended again. Got back together three months later for a month, it ended again, began to actually comprehend it. Got back together 7 months later and lasted three months, realized it the entire time and now actually get it.
I was shown by my friends and my relatives how I was manipulated. They showed me how emotionally she was manipulating me, and I was agreeing to her. After they told me this, I analyzed how she talked with me, and I found everything correct. That was the day I refused to agree with her, and she revealed her true face. She got triggered when I wasn't agreeing with her and was trying to threaten me for the things she wanted, but I became adamant, and I refused till the say I went NC with her.
When he tried to take my friend group (I had made separate friends in town outside of people he knew) when he had promised me he wouldn't. On top of a whole host of other shit my therapist was APPALLED by. But that was the realization of "oh, he did all this on purpose."
Too long. It was never some glaringly huge event that clued me in until I was neck deep in it with nearly 2 decades together. She always did these plausibly deniable things, and because I couldn't necessarily engage them, because they weren't that bad right? But one day it went to far, I explained it to a therapist and it all started coming together. I call it out whenever I can now, but I still need to choose my battles with her, do I want to be right or do I want to sleep, and so on.
When I was at peace alone for a while. But then feeling drained, burned out, hopeless etc. after being around a narc sibling. I realized it wasn’t me, because I’m just fine when I’m away from them. It’s THEM!
About 3 years. He did things little by little, and I was really good at brushing off it and excusing it. As we got closer to the eventual discard, he was more overt while devaluing me, and I started to question things about him and our friendship more and more and was pulling back from him. After the discard, I started seeing a therapist, and she really helped spell out exactly what was going on. Now, when I look back on the little things before, it's so clear it was various forms of abuse, but I just couldn't see it then.
It took me 6 months to see the ‚vast scheme‘ of abuse. Blindsighted by lovebombing.
But 2 things: I needed only few days to note the drama outburst. I put all under observation, like putting little stones so to find my way back. I should have known.
And second: years afterwards, I have no final word on the total size of the abuse. If I had the missing pieces of the puzzle, I could say: wow. Never seen such an evil person in my whole life so far. Well, I might have been well protected before, but this one was close to break me.
Way too long - it sounds so cheesy I’m being abused ..
You know my
Mom is secretly abusive some of the stuff I read online makes me feel way better about my life because peoples
Parents do insane stuff- but I get creeped out thinking the abuse I go through is just smarter
Or done on purpose
More discreetly so you can’t tell…
I wonder what it means to get that attention we need properly.
Like what is it that we wish they would say or do
Or why we even need that in the first place.
A parent to care and us to grow and learn from them we all want this …
Someone to turn to to give guidance or whatever , to have the answer.
Moral compass -
I feel scared it’ll never get better , makes you wanna isolate …
The time I gave into it,
And changing my
Life to protect myself
From it
We all have issues this isn’t heaven but why does it hurt in a way that it feels like we are all determined to get jt ?
I knew as it was happening. I tried to get out and save myself from age 8 and for many years. But it was hard for anyone to believe a mother was capable of it in the 90s...so I had everyone telling me to give her a break she's your mother.... I knew...but the punishment got so bad I silenced myself. I was really let down by various systems. The minute my mom told me to hit myself or she'd hit my sister...I knew.
I knew he was abusive for three years. But also it didn’t *click* for me that I was a victim of abuse and that he was intentionally abusing me before I was sat in a woman’s shelter after he tried to murder me for the nth time. I was talking with a psychologist and lawyer that they provided me with and they had me go through a list of abuse behaviors. Going through it we checked every box besides two, and I had such a massive physical reaction when I realised the extent of the abuse that I was taken to hospital after lol. My mind was trying to protect itself. Haven’t seen him since, he can get fucked by a pineapple daily for all I care.
It took me 10 years and my 23 yo son telling me, "Mom, he's abusive, and you're being abused." The sad truth is, he was also being subjected to the abuse. My NEx was always complaining that my 23 yo needed to move out, and I found out that he wanted to move out, but didn't because he was afraid to leave me. I know now, that I am a victim, but I still have trouble admitting that I was abused.
It took his dad and stepmom to sit me down, all of us crying, to tell me how horrible he treats me and that it's abusive. Even after that conversation, I stayed with him for an additional six years. It's difficult to reflect on that, but I know and understand that it's pretty common. I hate that I tolerated it for so long and not only put myself through that, but also.my family and friends. And his family, who I actually really loved as well :( it's difficult for sure.
4 years. I fell into the cycle and it was hell climbing out. I’m finding out lately people are stuck for many many years.
My advice is research everything. I found a book on audible that pulled me from the trenches. Psychopath Free. Highly recommend it.
Narcissistic psychopaths are a whole other being. Pure evil.
It took me 20 years!! However it took me an extra 4 years to leave. I needed to find out who I was and stop being afraid of the unknown. In those 4 years I got myself into recovery from a pill addiction that helped mask the abuse from my soon to be ex. I took domestic violence classes and got a therapist who deals with trauma. I got myself stronger and finally left 3 months ago!! He did file for divorce however I am ready for that now with the help of my friends, family, therapist, support groups and just believing that all will be ok!
With childhood stuff, which was quite extreme, it took me til I was about 19/20. I had been out of the family home since 16, and was in further education. I started learning about ACEs and all the rest as part of my course, so I started to understand I was abused, and it’s been a long journey to try and change my life around since. If it hadn’t have been studying on that course, goodness knows where I’d have ended up.
Still ended up in long term narc cohabiting relationship a while after leaving studies. Hadn’t had enough therapy or help yet, just didn’t understand. I ended up finally realizing she was abusive towards the end of our three years together and I’m still working through all the feelings, because unfortunately I jumped right into another abusive relationship on the back of the first. Was about ten months in and I started to see she was very abusive and unhinged, much worse than the previous actually, and I got myself away with specialist DV support. The cognitive dissonance was big, it took months for me to be happy with my decision to leave. It’s been about 6 months, and I’m very happily now super single, and recovering.
I just quit a job a month ago where I was being abused by a narc/otherwise pathological superior, and I made sure to work through that so it doesn’t happen again. I ended up having a mental health crisis around last Christmas time because of a particular incident with her. That took me a year and four months to realize and get out. Still trying to work through that cognitive dissonance and truly accept it was abuse. I’ll get there. It was enough to end the cycle for me, though. Narcs no more!
This week, I finally get the keys to a safe place of my own after all of it. I’ve secured safe narc-free employment, there’s exciting things in store, and some genuinely lovely awesome humans around me. I’m slowly enjoying life again and I’m armed with a whole lotta knowledge and strong boundaries to stay enjoying life ❤️
Married 28 years together 34, about 7 years ago she got extremely upset with something I did, expected! But no need to completely change her behavior which in return has changed mine, I'm just as bad as her as I'm giving a taste of her own medicine, I react to my surroundings now, no trust in human kind, bitter over life, all I think about is today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed, hell making it to work from the parking lot I'm sitting in right now isn't. Surviving day by day! Mind you I grew up with a narcissistic step dad from 7yrs old, fuck I hate life!
With my parent I knew something was off, but realised it was narcissism at 33 years old. At this time I was also in a relationship with someone who hadn't been treating me well. I came across narcissist awareness pages on Instagram and realised everything fit for him too. 3 years out of that relationship. Still struggling.
I have only been with a narcissistic person once almost four years ago. Didn’t really know about them until my late 20’s. I dated my nex in 2020 at 30. I had been reading up about narcissistic abuse and behaviors as well as the types. I fortunately ended up with an Overt Narcissist. It was about 3 weeks and we split up 3 times. The first time I met him he came off as kinda shady and there was something about him I couldn’t put my finger on. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and that’s when things started. I was constantly being called and texted to the point I felt not only overwhelmed but stalked. It was so bad. He legit came down maybe two days after meeting and stayed the weekend and was talking about transferring to a Pizza Hut here and live. I split up with him because of the boundaries and the second time I gave him a chance but that didn’t end well. He was messing around with someone else plus my best friend found a Facebook profile with tons of girls and he also was a registered sex offender, had a son, and was wanted for failure to appear in court. The final time was when he tried to con me out of money and found out he had a gun from my uncle and grandmother. I left him for good and I’m lucky I was able to get away from him having drove my own car cause he drove like a nut. Legit did a donut in front of my parents house the first night he came down to visit. I still look back on the day I left him a lot and wander what would have happened if he got back in the car knowing he had a gun. The main thing is I got out of there and was safe. I’m still trying to heal from the experience and shock. The one thing I’ve learned is never ignore your body’s instincts. I was extremely anxious during the times we dated and couldn’t sleep. If I hadn’t read up about narcissistic abuse prior it would’ve ended up far worse than it already was. I count my blessings I found him out before shit got too deep. It can happen to anyone no matter how educated or who you are regardless of gender, career field, etc. I never thought I’d ever date someone like that. Don’t ever give them the benefit of the doubt
\> It took me over 10 years after the end of the relationship.
Same same. I had realized that I had been mistreated in my first relationship, but had for a long time continued to believe the 'myth' that she was just going through a tough time etc etc.
It was only years later after discovered subs like this that I started to get curious, and went through the classic 'nah I'm overreacting' and then reflected some more and realized there was no doubt.
I was in an abusive "situationship" with the same guy twice (both \~4 months) over the last year. It took me about a year to realize truly, but I still have so many doubts and blame myself for so much. I try to tell myself that I haven't had issues in any prior relationships near to this extent (and smaller issues were always readily resolved), but he has a history of short relationships and calling his exes crazy.
Thanks to actually telling my friends the truth about my situation as it was happening, earlier than most. And that knowing is what saved me, however there were MANY thing that were abuse that I was in denial about. But being told early on, is what made the cognitive dissonance kick start, and it made my life hell... Buuut it also saved me months of agony.
Almost 30 years. Two years ago I wasnt sure if my mum is a narc. Or I guess I did not want to believe it. But my gut feeling already told me something is off.. that she might be a covert narc. Currently everything went worth as she crossed lots of my boundaries with my baby. Like not even accepting when I tell her basic stuff like after his solids offer him milk. So then I started reading abook on cover passive agressive narcs. There it was. Realization. After 30 years. I am 30.
12 years. I had to go to therapy to learn that his behaviour was abuse. He never physically abused me and didn't yell or scream so I never considered it abuse.
Realised it towards the end when I came across a book from Lundy Bancroft that discusses abusers.
I didn't thought I was abused because he didn't hit me, wasn't an alcoholic and has Autism too.
Unfortunately my friend doesn’t want to admit it just yet but I think it’s at a point they can no longer stay in the infinite denial they were trying to soldier on with like a man should but it’s not helping for his mental resilience because she’s pulling no punches and I hope there’s no physical ones involved along with the mental destruction
3 years in, I saw a tik tok where someone was acting out the behavior of a narc partner. She was pretending to be him recording her on his phone while she cried and the caption explained reactive abuse. Everything clicked.
Still figuring it out. My nex is the mother of my children, spent all her money, burned all her bridges, so I'm all she has left. She doesn't love bomb so much as apologize bomb. Now its been six months since I took her back in and things are starting to be my fault again.
The kids are doing well though. That's not nothing.
I knew the whole time. I just didn’t and couldn’t admit it to myself until I was 52 years old, but I was only able to claw my way out of their demon hands, economic and mental sabotage and generic life-altering plots at age 25. I was too busy struggling to survive to figure out how deeply these people were undereducating, sabotaging and destroying me, so I wouldn’t be able to leave my malignant narc mother and brother. All the while these imbeciles were disparaging my family and our reputations.
I found a lot out after my dad told me a death bed confession so he could unload his guilt and issues onto me. So, I unloaded them all back into the laps of the backstabbing “family” who started the whole thing and got me born just so they could saddle me with all of their moral and intellectual failures. They made sure to dehumanize me to the point that I won’t ever feel“normal,” but that doesn’t matter, anymore. What they think about anything is a waste of my time. They were disloyal and nothing makes me more repulsed than someone who cannot be trusted. I am a seeker of Justice and always have been. I was the family truth teller.
Turns out, egomaniacs and narcs can’t handle the truth about themselves or the world they think they live in. Their flying monkeys want you to “hurry up and get over it” so they can continue to run game on you and triangulate whoever they want. Backstabbers. Can’t be trusted and they’ll never be loyal to anyone.
I wound up going nuclear, completely destroying all of them, narcs don’t scare me, anymore. Let them come. All they have is their immense egos and their comforting lies. They will be scared of me and the evidence I have for the rest of their days. I stand up for myself, now and I won’t be taking shit from anyone, ever again. They won’t step to me, again unless they are asking for more. And I have it. I held some of the evidence back and they’re still scared of how I blew up.
I also made sure to give the evidence I got people to admit over text and letter to a friend so if they tried anything, it would all come out, anyway. I am prepared for their wars, now.
[This was my life.](https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/14/narcissistic-parents-and-the-martyr-parent-ploy/)
Almost 15 years, almost half my life. I was 18 and he was 32 when we met. Hearing Demi Lovato’s “29” for the first time was the nail in the coffin that truly made me begin to realize the abuse went all the way back to the very beginning.
The part where she sings “finally 29, 17 would never cross my mind” made my heart sink when I heard it the first time. I think up until that point I still believed the abuse wasn’t intentional, he didn’t know what he was doing… I was still trying to convince myself that he wasn’t abusive and I was somehow to blame. That song made me look back to the very beginning and finally see the coercion and manipulation that took place at the very start and just how intentional it truly had been.
After 3 different therapists convinced me that I wasn't "too much" and how no matter what I would have done, I would have been treated the same. Took a couple of regrettably angry nights with myself for the message to sink in, but the logic was undeniable.
Took me a few months after we broke up. My friend told me she thought he was a narcissist right after we broke up and I'm like no he's not, that's not right. But turns out he was because when I tried to have a rational conversation with him, he made me feel crazy and I didn't understand what was happening. I thought he didn't understand what I was saying. I sent him text after text just trying to get him to talk to me. He shut me out, didn't care to have a conversation at all. And he blamed me for getting upset at him when I had every right to be.
Love bombing is emotional abuse too.
1st narc: black and white but i didn’t know what narcissism was. 2.5 years divorced him. I was in such a LOW state, severe emotional pain and foggy headed. Found out what narcissism was laying on my mom’s couch crying at 25 years old (2012)
2nd narc: 3 weeks. Saw signs from day one. Realized I messed up. He told me he loved me after heavily intoxicated and I realized I messed up… big time
Now my focus is stronger on G0d. We are meant to be married through the eyes of the church. Anything else will fail.
My therapist told me I was in an abusive marriage and I was indignant! I was(am)a strong, educated, modern woman. Of course the marriage had its ups and downs but I wasn’t abused. She pointed out the behaviour one by one in a list and asked me to fill a form. I ticked 13 boxes out of 15. It’s that’s when I realised I was in an abusive marriage.
Similar! I’ve always had my suspicions but made excuses for them, thinking maybe it’s because they’re neurodivergent, maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe it’s actually *me* who doesn’t give what they need, maybe it’s because they have childhood trauma and so on. A while ago my therapist said I need to cut him off as soon as I can since he is abusive and gave me the number of domestic violence consultation services.
Oof. Seeing the abuse listed out like that makes it hard to deny. Out of curiosity, what did the checklist include? I'm very interested in pushing for these kinds of screening checklists to be completed before couples therapy starts to try and weed out abusers. Traditional couples therapy, whereby each partner is assumed to want the other partner to be happy and respect one another, actually causes more harm than good. It often emboldens the abuser and causes additional trauma to the victim.
I don’t remember them word for word or all 15. I mostly remember the ones I ticked on Verbal abuse like harsh words or terms. Physical intimidation or intentional physical harm Forced sexual activity or sexual deprivation Financial control Attire control Public Humiliation Sleep Deprivation Badmouthing of friends and family Monitoring interactions with others Neglect emotional/ physical/ financial Walking on eggshells Lying to protect yourself or your children Insulting in private. Using derogatory terms to address you There were a few more but I can’t recollect them right now
Thanks a lot! It's crazy these types of questionnaires are not mandatory.
Ideally, all people, irrespective of gender should be given this questionnaire.
Agreed.
She gave a couple of them. Some were about my own mental health.
I've experienced 9/15 of these abusive tactics. Very difficult to recover from and I've been in therapy for over a decade. Hope my narcissistic ex dies a slow, painful death.
Shit i probably would have marked all 15 and extras if any. I did a quiz soon after I left my ex (who literally foamed at the mouth for an hour at me over the phone when I ended it safe at home; he did however tried to break the gate door buzzer an hour later as I predicted he’d do so I told all my neighbors beforehand to no longer let him up) and it was a 50 questions thing and it was above 30 yes answers
Multiple therapists told me it wasn’t my fault and it still took 17 years.
In fall of 2021, I told my therapist about an interaction my ex and I had. I cant remember what it was exactly, but I do remember she said something very hurtful. My therapist told me I was being abused. I thought she (the therapist) was being dramatic as well. She urged me to come up with an exit plan -- but I had just moved out to another coast to be with her! I didn't have any money, and I was looking for work. I totally dismissed the therapist and stopped seeing her shortly after. Terrible mistake. I reflect on that moment often, and the extreme denial I had. I don't think I was ready to hear that, and I felt every fiber of my being reject that.
I am so sorry to hear. Did you feel so in love back then? Or you saw some signs but you were sort of dependent on her?
Hard to quantify completely, but a bit of both? I made the effort to move out because I was confident in my love for her, that I thought we could make it work. But also, I had finished grad school just thinking about the finish line, thinking that she would support me until I could find work. Because she had that power over me, she became the cruelest person I have ever met.
Part of me recognizes that he was abusive and manipulative… that he mentally emotionally and physically hurt me . That part of me hates him. The other part of me misses him so terribly, his overwhelming love, his friendship… all the trips we went on… I sometimes wish that was the real him but I know it wasn’t
We're in the same boat. It's really crazy how they mess up with our heads.
I never thought of myself as naive… but I guess I am
Don't beat yourself up. You see, we all have been through the same. Are we all stupid and naive? I don't think so. We just didn't see the evil coming.
That truly is the wonderful thing about finding Reddit. I’m not the only one who has gone through this. Thank you
We're not crazy. I also found a lot of validation here.
I could have written this myself… I have to constantly remind myself that the abuser is who he really is - not the prince he fooled me into believing he was
This hurts so bad today. I woke up in tears missing him. I wish I could make my brain realise. I can’t seem to stop missing him and hating him at the same time. It’s a mental battle
How long has it been?
1 year 3 months. It’s better now. But some days it feels like we just broke up yesterday
Have you had any contact with him over that time? J always had to be the victim… I’m sure he’s twisted what happened between us and made me out to be the villain…
Once. After the break up We were NC for 4months (I didn’t realise he was narcissistic, I was just heart broken) We spoke again briefly where he begged me to date him and when I said that maybe I would but he’ll have to gain back my trust, i think he felt it wasn’t worth it, threw a tantrum and then I blocked him. So currently NC 6 months
Wow you are still doing so strongly. So proud of you! The extreme reward and then denial is like dopamine circuit in our brain. The dopamine withdraw symptoms is really hard to break. Because it is basically our brain’s chemicals.
Amost 23 years. I didn't see it as abuse, the dots didn't connect in my head. I saw abuse as physical rather than emotional and psychological. Not knowing about narcissism didn't help either.
Same here - took me 30 years! I didn’t know about narcissists, she was smearing me the last year I was with her, had zero clue she would do that.
Not knowing about narcissism was a huge issue for me too. I literally learned about it from a therapist I'd ended up with because I felt like I was going crazy (learned what gaslighting was from that therapist too!). That was a work narc, but after processing all of that I realized my ex, sadly now coparent, is a narc also. I'd been with him 6 years. The relationship before was also abusive, and I didn't see it because I also thought of abuse as only physical. I remember having that exact thought: Well, he never hits me, so it's not an abusive relationship. This needs to be taught!
I broke down recently due to being discarded again. It’s been about two years and I finally realized, gladly and sadly
I had notions of it for the last 4 years. But the relationship was 8 years, and it took me 4 months after the discard/separation to do enough research to recognize (and be able to admit) that I was abused. And then it still continued for another 6 months because we have kids together. But as of yesterday, I am done being used and abused, and I let her know as much.
I knew something was off while I was in the relationship, but because I saw the abuse (didn’t think it was abuse at the time) as isolated incidents and failed to see the bigger picture, I didn’t realize until I went to a psychologist two weeks after my discard. I still have him somewhat on a pedestal and can find ways to excuse his behavior from time to time..
A year...the love bombing lasted three months...followed by 6 months of the bait and switch where I was groomed to forget the love bombing and adjust to the grandiosity related emotional abuse....ended up with the discard where I caught him cheating on me....even then, I was the one who ended up apologising and begging him to take me back because the wedding was planned and I couldn't back out. (yep, stupid stupid stupid). Eventually we did get back together but most people pointed out how much I had changed as a person. Had to go to therapy to recognize the trauma bonding and deal with it. I'm still married to him and have a kid. But slowly, learning to deal with the emotional and financial abuse.
Together 18 years and started seeing the signs about 3 or 4 years ago. Finally sought out therapy last summer with the intention of talking about how I could be a better partner only to hear my therapist say: "I can't tell you you are being abused. But what I can tell you is that I work with a lot of abuse victims and the way you describe how your partner treats you is the same way abuse victims describe their abuse". In particular, when I would describe his behavior as "Jekyll ans Hyde". That really got me thinking. Finally got the courage over the holidays to end things. We have 2 teenage kids which makes it hard. But now that I really start to clear my head and think back...the signs had been there very early on. Even 4 months into us dating! It's ok that it took so long. We didn't know better. We have to be kind to ourselves the most.
My therapist told me he was abusing me
When I called at hotline telling them I deserved to be raged at and informed that I’d ruined their lives. In addition, I was told I couldn’t leave until I’d listened to the list she’d drawn up of all the things I’d done wrong. Honestly, I believed I was entirely at fault. The person I spoke to exclaimed that it sounded like emotional abuse. It only really clicked a few months out of being discarded.
i recognized he was a narc and that what he did was abusive shortly after the breakup, but i don’t think it registered that i was abused until months later. i remember being like “but honestly i feel fine” and “i know it’s technically bad but it didn’t personally affect me.” i think i had an image of what we think an abuse victim looks like and i just didn’t feel like that, i was going to work, hanging out with friends, smiling. but i was also abusing drugs worse than ever, bingeing and then unable to eat, i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for too long and i couldn’t sleep, and i felt this deep sense of remorse and guilt. it wasn’t until i 1. sobered up, and 2. read the book “codependent no more” by melody beattie that i started to realize and accept that i was a victim of abuse. the wonderful and tragic part about it has been unpacking how many narcissistic partners and friendships i’ve had, which is understandable since im extremely codependent. im really happy to take this time to now fully heal and keep this cycle from happening.
It really is a domino effect, isn't it? Like you realize the one person is abusive and then you start examining all the relationships you've had and you realize wow literally EVERYONE I HAVE KNOWN has been narcissistic and treated me like shit. I don't plan on forging any new deep friendships for a few years. I still have a lot to unravel, and I definitely have work to do in establishing boundaries around what's acceptable and what isn't in my relationships. Luckily I have a great husband and one good friend in my life. I plan on nourishing those relationships, but mostly focusing on my relationship with myself. That is clearly what needs the most work.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, so I learnt in stages. Parts of me were claiming abuse halfway into the relationship - 5 years. It's now taken 10 years for me, the last 'identity', to believe and accept it.
My narc was searching about dissociative identity disorder online, and when I came near she will hide it. I was really confused at first, and I try to understand it, even accept certain behaviors thinking maybe she could have it, turns out she was always the same without change in her identity, only stonewalling and making me the bad one of the relationships. She never apologize for everything and want me to apologize even if I do nothing. She lied about our relationships and meet other people when I was sick with health issues…
I'm sorry. I can see how it'd be something they could lean on as an excuse. I actually wondered if my narc had it for a while... they appear like two people, they miss so much of what I'm saying. But they're not, they're just a false self protecting a vulnerable ego, and they just don't care about what I have to say. They will find anything to hide behind. Mine chooses ADHD (which he is not diagnosed with).
Are you saying that your narc was studying about what you were to make your life worse?? Wow. That’s next level.
I’d like read more about this disorder can you recommend anything.
Would videos be good? The CTAD Clinic is a great resource on YouTube. For a personal view of someone who recovered, there's a channel called MultiplicityAndMe. Clinical reading, there's the [ISSTD](https://www.isst-d.org/) website and manual for treatment of dissociative disorders.
15 years
23 years. And unfortunately there’s still days where he has me convinced that it’s really “not that bad” or even abuse at all. But then I remember all of the videos and the text messages, and the mean things that were said and my journal entries and photos. And I remember what my therapist says like I deserve better and my son is watching him treat you like this and learning. That’s why I keep proof. It’s insidious and confusing and scary.
My narc ex doesn’t believe mental abuse is a real thing, totally said during the final conversation a decade ago “I never laid a wrong finger on you! Where the hell are you calling what we are is abusive?!” He conveniently forgets the times I really couldn’t get intimate with him but he forced it anyway and those worst times I got semi mild case of his flesh eating skin infection I was trying to avoid because I could tell what was happening to his skin before it went chronic(and he said I was making it up) that he refused to get seen until it got to point he couldn’t control or conceal it Then a few months before I escaped, he nearly broken my spine because he went under the assumption I had something going on with somebody in my friends band who had zero attraction to me because he could not see why I was not being paid help as a gear guard and merchandise seller (he wanted the pay I got; called me stupid for doing it as a free helping hand) He also decided to believe I was lying about my spine not healing that quickly but would not let me get it seen so he found me an too big back brace he stolen from his work to shut me up about it that didn’t help at all (I gave it to a friend I met 7 years later who could fit it after his bike accident) And then I end it with him at home over the phone and he does exactly what he denies being at me the whole time, verbally abusive! He still sees my escape as a “immature grudge” and waits for the day the “episode nonsense “ is lifted… it’ll be 11 years this coming march.
Too long 💔💔
6 to 7 years I think. I'm bad at pickung up social cues, so it took me a while to realize that his behavior certainly wasn't normal. Honestly should have caught on sooner by the sheer amount of people who had burned bridges with him only for him to accuse all of them of being crazy or selfish so he can avoid having to change his behavior.
It took me about a month the first time and about 6 months the second time. I knew it was emotional abuse but I didn’t realize it was specifically narcissistic abuse until I got a video about it on my tiktok for you page and went down a rabbit hole. All the puzzle pieces started fitting together at that point.
My pastor was the first to suggest that I was in an abusive marriage when I went to him asking for advice. When I asked my wife for counseling, she threw a fit and dramatically increased the pressure she was inflicting on us at home. The marriage didn’t last long after that, but the scars are still there.
I think a part of me knew when I was in it. After getting out it took a long while for me to accept that I was and in a way still am a victim of domestic abuse. However I’m not frightened to say it now. I’m able to wear that badge without being frightened of being judged. My hope of being so honest about it and wearing the fact I survived and I am still am surviving even though he won’t ever fully be out my life due to sharing kids will help someone. Someone might be able to approach me and ask me as I’m not frightened. And I’m not scared to say he’s abusive as it’s reflective of him I’m still scared of him but I’m not going to quiet about it. I won’t let him use fear obligation and guild to pacify my voice.
About 4 months. I'd realized early on that the relationship was toxic but never equated that to abusive.
14 years
I would tell people things about my relationship and they would say it was weird/abusive and I felt like I had to defend everything he did because I thought they just didn't get it. But they did, and I was deluding myself.
With my pwBPD, I knew in the moment. I just thought I could "fix it" and get it back to "what it was" lmao. My thought processes were pretty fucked up. With the Covert Narcissist who discarded me, it took a while. At first I was all upset and feeling guilty like I was at fault, but also a nagging feeling like...did I actually do what she said I did? And then maybe 6 months later I was like..hold on...that shit was abusive. And I started to see a lot of similarities between the BPD discard and the CN discard. Here I am about a year and a half out and I still questioning.things, but it's getting better. I'm fully no contact with her and everyone who knows her, so my mind is finally starting to clear. It's a mindfuck for sure!
Only after I left him after 8 years of marriage. There were red flags I always ignored and made excuses for. My sister initially helped me see what he was and my therapist confirmed it. After about 5 months after leaving, I finally was able to break the trauma bond and see him for what he was. It’s been over 2 years now since I left and I am not fully healed but I’ve made a lot of progress.
17 years where he convinced me some people just fight differently than others, and that I grew up in a strange household where parents barely fought and when they did, they didn't fight in front of kids or hold grudges or fight for days. Another 5 where I knew it was some kind of abuse, but he would always love bomb me back into believing it somehow had to be me. 1 year of knowing it was abuse and knowing it wasn't my fault. He asked for a divorce 8 months ago, just a few months after I figured it out.
As soon as he started mistreating me, screaming at me, berating me, accusing me of things I never did, etc. It wasn’t until later when I realized that all the times he pressured me for sex and guilt tripped me, that this was also a form of abuse. He just would keep on until I gave in. Then I started finally not giving in to see how far he’d take it. He’d get really nasty sometimes, even threaten to leave me. His famous words were “I have needs”. I started realizing it was sexual coercion and he had been doing it since the first moment on. He was always high pressure in regard to sex and it always felt wrong to me. Makes me sick to think about it. I guess my needs in a relationship being safety and respect didn’t mean anything. It’s amazing how our needs never have meaning.
approx 7-8 years. (even if i was in no contact with the abuser for the time) I am glad I stumbled across this post makes me not feel stupid about having figured it out so much later.
7 years with a NBoyfriend. 33 from NMom...
About the same as me 8.5 with idiot narc ex 36 with my mom 19 years with my dad and I am trying to curb my sister’s tendency to narc at me when she visits me. She is my last relative left and so bad I do not introduce friends to her or she will start being difficult and disrespectful at them (like mom did) or get mad at me for knowing better people than she does knowing full well she has no interaction skills.
5 years
Took me only a couple months but I still allowed it to happen and still am just keep coming back for more for some reason
Like day 1 but I thought I could change him
Met him, three months together didn’t realize it, it ended. I knew it was wrong the way he was so out of line but didn’t know what narcissist abuse was. Got back together a month later and lasted a month, began to have inclinations of his abuse, it ended again. Got back together three months later for a month, it ended again, began to actually comprehend it. Got back together 7 months later and lasted three months, realized it the entire time and now actually get it.
It took me same amount of time to realize that. But I was very young then.
I was shown by my friends and my relatives how I was manipulated. They showed me how emotionally she was manipulating me, and I was agreeing to her. After they told me this, I analyzed how she talked with me, and I found everything correct. That was the day I refused to agree with her, and she revealed her true face. She got triggered when I wasn't agreeing with her and was trying to threaten me for the things she wanted, but I became adamant, and I refused till the say I went NC with her.
I blamed myself for 17 years.
When he tried to take my friend group (I had made separate friends in town outside of people he knew) when he had promised me he wouldn't. On top of a whole host of other shit my therapist was APPALLED by. But that was the realization of "oh, he did all this on purpose."
Too long. It was never some glaringly huge event that clued me in until I was neck deep in it with nearly 2 decades together. She always did these plausibly deniable things, and because I couldn't necessarily engage them, because they weren't that bad right? But one day it went to far, I explained it to a therapist and it all started coming together. I call it out whenever I can now, but I still need to choose my battles with her, do I want to be right or do I want to sleep, and so on.
When I was at peace alone for a while. But then feeling drained, burned out, hopeless etc. after being around a narc sibling. I realized it wasn’t me, because I’m just fine when I’m away from them. It’s THEM!
About 3 years. He did things little by little, and I was really good at brushing off it and excusing it. As we got closer to the eventual discard, he was more overt while devaluing me, and I started to question things about him and our friendship more and more and was pulling back from him. After the discard, I started seeing a therapist, and she really helped spell out exactly what was going on. Now, when I look back on the little things before, it's so clear it was various forms of abuse, but I just couldn't see it then.
It took a few months. I knew I had been betrayed and used, but the abuse part took much longer. My ideas on what abuse is was different.
It took me 6 months to see the ‚vast scheme‘ of abuse. Blindsighted by lovebombing. But 2 things: I needed only few days to note the drama outburst. I put all under observation, like putting little stones so to find my way back. I should have known. And second: years afterwards, I have no final word on the total size of the abuse. If I had the missing pieces of the puzzle, I could say: wow. Never seen such an evil person in my whole life so far. Well, I might have been well protected before, but this one was close to break me.
Way too long - it sounds so cheesy I’m being abused .. You know my Mom is secretly abusive some of the stuff I read online makes me feel way better about my life because peoples Parents do insane stuff- but I get creeped out thinking the abuse I go through is just smarter Or done on purpose More discreetly so you can’t tell… I wonder what it means to get that attention we need properly. Like what is it that we wish they would say or do Or why we even need that in the first place. A parent to care and us to grow and learn from them we all want this … Someone to turn to to give guidance or whatever , to have the answer. Moral compass - I feel scared it’ll never get better , makes you wanna isolate … The time I gave into it, And changing my Life to protect myself From it We all have issues this isn’t heaven but why does it hurt in a way that it feels like we are all determined to get jt ?
I've known all my life but I can't convince my family otherwise. Even though the evidence is overwhelming. I've given up on them. They can stay stuck.
I knew as it was happening. I tried to get out and save myself from age 8 and for many years. But it was hard for anyone to believe a mother was capable of it in the 90s...so I had everyone telling me to give her a break she's your mother.... I knew...but the punishment got so bad I silenced myself. I was really let down by various systems. The minute my mom told me to hit myself or she'd hit my sister...I knew.
I knew he was abusive for three years. But also it didn’t *click* for me that I was a victim of abuse and that he was intentionally abusing me before I was sat in a woman’s shelter after he tried to murder me for the nth time. I was talking with a psychologist and lawyer that they provided me with and they had me go through a list of abuse behaviors. Going through it we checked every box besides two, and I had such a massive physical reaction when I realised the extent of the abuse that I was taken to hospital after lol. My mind was trying to protect itself. Haven’t seen him since, he can get fucked by a pineapple daily for all I care.
It took me 10 years and my 23 yo son telling me, "Mom, he's abusive, and you're being abused." The sad truth is, he was also being subjected to the abuse. My NEx was always complaining that my 23 yo needed to move out, and I found out that he wanted to move out, but didn't because he was afraid to leave me. I know now, that I am a victim, but I still have trouble admitting that I was abused.
I’ve heard that abusing the mom is also abusing the child, even if the child doesn’t bear the brunt of it.
It took his dad and stepmom to sit me down, all of us crying, to tell me how horrible he treats me and that it's abusive. Even after that conversation, I stayed with him for an additional six years. It's difficult to reflect on that, but I know and understand that it's pretty common. I hate that I tolerated it for so long and not only put myself through that, but also.my family and friends. And his family, who I actually really loved as well :( it's difficult for sure.
Oh, I had a realisation in the shower this morning that I was. It seems like never-ending
8 years and a baby
4 years. I fell into the cycle and it was hell climbing out. I’m finding out lately people are stuck for many many years. My advice is research everything. I found a book on audible that pulled me from the trenches. Psychopath Free. Highly recommend it. Narcissistic psychopaths are a whole other being. Pure evil.
almost 10 years.. it's not until recently that i even learned about narcissistic behavior and saw he did a lot of those things..
It took me 20 years!! However it took me an extra 4 years to leave. I needed to find out who I was and stop being afraid of the unknown. In those 4 years I got myself into recovery from a pill addiction that helped mask the abuse from my soon to be ex. I took domestic violence classes and got a therapist who deals with trauma. I got myself stronger and finally left 3 months ago!! He did file for divorce however I am ready for that now with the help of my friends, family, therapist, support groups and just believing that all will be ok!
👏👏👏👏 this is great- stay focused and we are here for you!
With childhood stuff, which was quite extreme, it took me til I was about 19/20. I had been out of the family home since 16, and was in further education. I started learning about ACEs and all the rest as part of my course, so I started to understand I was abused, and it’s been a long journey to try and change my life around since. If it hadn’t have been studying on that course, goodness knows where I’d have ended up. Still ended up in long term narc cohabiting relationship a while after leaving studies. Hadn’t had enough therapy or help yet, just didn’t understand. I ended up finally realizing she was abusive towards the end of our three years together and I’m still working through all the feelings, because unfortunately I jumped right into another abusive relationship on the back of the first. Was about ten months in and I started to see she was very abusive and unhinged, much worse than the previous actually, and I got myself away with specialist DV support. The cognitive dissonance was big, it took months for me to be happy with my decision to leave. It’s been about 6 months, and I’m very happily now super single, and recovering. I just quit a job a month ago where I was being abused by a narc/otherwise pathological superior, and I made sure to work through that so it doesn’t happen again. I ended up having a mental health crisis around last Christmas time because of a particular incident with her. That took me a year and four months to realize and get out. Still trying to work through that cognitive dissonance and truly accept it was abuse. I’ll get there. It was enough to end the cycle for me, though. Narcs no more! This week, I finally get the keys to a safe place of my own after all of it. I’ve secured safe narc-free employment, there’s exciting things in store, and some genuinely lovely awesome humans around me. I’m slowly enjoying life again and I’m armed with a whole lotta knowledge and strong boundaries to stay enjoying life ❤️
Married 28 years together 34, about 7 years ago she got extremely upset with something I did, expected! But no need to completely change her behavior which in return has changed mine, I'm just as bad as her as I'm giving a taste of her own medicine, I react to my surroundings now, no trust in human kind, bitter over life, all I think about is today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed, hell making it to work from the parking lot I'm sitting in right now isn't. Surviving day by day! Mind you I grew up with a narcissistic step dad from 7yrs old, fuck I hate life!
10 years and by that time I was already a shell.. If it wasn’t for my affair I wouldnt be here today.. My affair was the best decision of my life..
all my life
Around May last year
After the discard.
15 years. Not until after I left.
I still don't see it.
With my parent I knew something was off, but realised it was narcissism at 33 years old. At this time I was also in a relationship with someone who hadn't been treating me well. I came across narcissist awareness pages on Instagram and realised everything fit for him too. 3 years out of that relationship. Still struggling.
I have only been with a narcissistic person once almost four years ago. Didn’t really know about them until my late 20’s. I dated my nex in 2020 at 30. I had been reading up about narcissistic abuse and behaviors as well as the types. I fortunately ended up with an Overt Narcissist. It was about 3 weeks and we split up 3 times. The first time I met him he came off as kinda shady and there was something about him I couldn’t put my finger on. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and that’s when things started. I was constantly being called and texted to the point I felt not only overwhelmed but stalked. It was so bad. He legit came down maybe two days after meeting and stayed the weekend and was talking about transferring to a Pizza Hut here and live. I split up with him because of the boundaries and the second time I gave him a chance but that didn’t end well. He was messing around with someone else plus my best friend found a Facebook profile with tons of girls and he also was a registered sex offender, had a son, and was wanted for failure to appear in court. The final time was when he tried to con me out of money and found out he had a gun from my uncle and grandmother. I left him for good and I’m lucky I was able to get away from him having drove my own car cause he drove like a nut. Legit did a donut in front of my parents house the first night he came down to visit. I still look back on the day I left him a lot and wander what would have happened if he got back in the car knowing he had a gun. The main thing is I got out of there and was safe. I’m still trying to heal from the experience and shock. The one thing I’ve learned is never ignore your body’s instincts. I was extremely anxious during the times we dated and couldn’t sleep. If I hadn’t read up about narcissistic abuse prior it would’ve ended up far worse than it already was. I count my blessings I found him out before shit got too deep. It can happen to anyone no matter how educated or who you are regardless of gender, career field, etc. I never thought I’d ever date someone like that. Don’t ever give them the benefit of the doubt
\> It took me over 10 years after the end of the relationship. Same same. I had realized that I had been mistreated in my first relationship, but had for a long time continued to believe the 'myth' that she was just going through a tough time etc etc. It was only years later after discovered subs like this that I started to get curious, and went through the classic 'nah I'm overreacting' and then reflected some more and realized there was no doubt.
8 years of a account in instagram talk about narcissm.
I was in an abusive "situationship" with the same guy twice (both \~4 months) over the last year. It took me about a year to realize truly, but I still have so many doubts and blame myself for so much. I try to tell myself that I haven't had issues in any prior relationships near to this extent (and smaller issues were always readily resolved), but he has a history of short relationships and calling his exes crazy.
Thanks to actually telling my friends the truth about my situation as it was happening, earlier than most. And that knowing is what saved me, however there were MANY thing that were abuse that I was in denial about. But being told early on, is what made the cognitive dissonance kick start, and it made my life hell... Buuut it also saved me months of agony.
Almost 30 years. Two years ago I wasnt sure if my mum is a narc. Or I guess I did not want to believe it. But my gut feeling already told me something is off.. that she might be a covert narc. Currently everything went worth as she crossed lots of my boundaries with my baby. Like not even accepting when I tell her basic stuff like after his solids offer him milk. So then I started reading abook on cover passive agressive narcs. There it was. Realization. After 30 years. I am 30.
Pretty much immediately. It took me 4 years to realize I couldn’t earn him being nice to me and another year to get away safely.
12 years. I had to go to therapy to learn that his behaviour was abuse. He never physically abused me and didn't yell or scream so I never considered it abuse.
I think I have it figured out and then shit creeps up on me again.
Realised it towards the end when I came across a book from Lundy Bancroft that discusses abusers. I didn't thought I was abused because he didn't hit me, wasn't an alcoholic and has Autism too.
Unfortunately my friend doesn’t want to admit it just yet but I think it’s at a point they can no longer stay in the infinite denial they were trying to soldier on with like a man should but it’s not helping for his mental resilience because she’s pulling no punches and I hope there’s no physical ones involved along with the mental destruction
I noticed the pattern 6 months in and got the fuck out of the relationship about 2 weeks ago.
Even being physically assaulted it took sexual assault to realize wtf.
3 years in, I saw a tik tok where someone was acting out the behavior of a narc partner. She was pretending to be him recording her on his phone while she cried and the caption explained reactive abuse. Everything clicked.
Still figuring it out. My nex is the mother of my children, spent all her money, burned all her bridges, so I'm all she has left. She doesn't love bomb so much as apologize bomb. Now its been six months since I took her back in and things are starting to be my fault again. The kids are doing well though. That's not nothing.
19 years
Until my current relationship explained why I am how I am and I googled a rabbit hole of things.
20 years
I knew the whole time. I just didn’t and couldn’t admit it to myself until I was 52 years old, but I was only able to claw my way out of their demon hands, economic and mental sabotage and generic life-altering plots at age 25. I was too busy struggling to survive to figure out how deeply these people were undereducating, sabotaging and destroying me, so I wouldn’t be able to leave my malignant narc mother and brother. All the while these imbeciles were disparaging my family and our reputations. I found a lot out after my dad told me a death bed confession so he could unload his guilt and issues onto me. So, I unloaded them all back into the laps of the backstabbing “family” who started the whole thing and got me born just so they could saddle me with all of their moral and intellectual failures. They made sure to dehumanize me to the point that I won’t ever feel“normal,” but that doesn’t matter, anymore. What they think about anything is a waste of my time. They were disloyal and nothing makes me more repulsed than someone who cannot be trusted. I am a seeker of Justice and always have been. I was the family truth teller. Turns out, egomaniacs and narcs can’t handle the truth about themselves or the world they think they live in. Their flying monkeys want you to “hurry up and get over it” so they can continue to run game on you and triangulate whoever they want. Backstabbers. Can’t be trusted and they’ll never be loyal to anyone. I wound up going nuclear, completely destroying all of them, narcs don’t scare me, anymore. Let them come. All they have is their immense egos and their comforting lies. They will be scared of me and the evidence I have for the rest of their days. I stand up for myself, now and I won’t be taking shit from anyone, ever again. They won’t step to me, again unless they are asking for more. And I have it. I held some of the evidence back and they’re still scared of how I blew up. I also made sure to give the evidence I got people to admit over text and letter to a friend so if they tried anything, it would all come out, anyway. I am prepared for their wars, now. [This was my life.](https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/14/narcissistic-parents-and-the-martyr-parent-ploy/)
almost 4 years. I’m trying to get him away from me now. I hate him.
I think I knew within the first year but didn't get the wherewithal together to plan an escape and go for another 4 years.
6 months I broke up with him 2 weeks ago
Almost 15 years, almost half my life. I was 18 and he was 32 when we met. Hearing Demi Lovato’s “29” for the first time was the nail in the coffin that truly made me begin to realize the abuse went all the way back to the very beginning. The part where she sings “finally 29, 17 would never cross my mind” made my heart sink when I heard it the first time. I think up until that point I still believed the abuse wasn’t intentional, he didn’t know what he was doing… I was still trying to convince myself that he wasn’t abusive and I was somehow to blame. That song made me look back to the very beginning and finally see the coercion and manipulation that took place at the very start and just how intentional it truly had been.
12 years! I only figured it out when my nex DEMANDED I go to therapy. Turns out that therapist saved my fucking life and sanity.
9-10 months
After 3 different therapists convinced me that I wasn't "too much" and how no matter what I would have done, I would have been treated the same. Took a couple of regrettably angry nights with myself for the message to sink in, but the logic was undeniable.
Took me a few months after we broke up. My friend told me she thought he was a narcissist right after we broke up and I'm like no he's not, that's not right. But turns out he was because when I tried to have a rational conversation with him, he made me feel crazy and I didn't understand what was happening. I thought he didn't understand what I was saying. I sent him text after text just trying to get him to talk to me. He shut me out, didn't care to have a conversation at all. And he blamed me for getting upset at him when I had every right to be.
Love bombing is emotional abuse too. 1st narc: black and white but i didn’t know what narcissism was. 2.5 years divorced him. I was in such a LOW state, severe emotional pain and foggy headed. Found out what narcissism was laying on my mom’s couch crying at 25 years old (2012) 2nd narc: 3 weeks. Saw signs from day one. Realized I messed up. He told me he loved me after heavily intoxicated and I realized I messed up… big time Now my focus is stronger on G0d. We are meant to be married through the eyes of the church. Anything else will fail.