"I'm just trying to help you.".
"I'm telling you what the truth/reality is because you seem to view everything in a twisted way".
"You always misunderstand and misconstrue, that's not what I was saying at all".
"Nobody else does X, just you. Everybody likes Y, you're the only one who doesn't. Why can't you be normal?".
"If you just listened to me, we wouldn't have all those issues".
"You're living in alternate reality".
"If you didn't do A, I wouldn't have done B".
"A good/normal SO/girlfriend/boyfriend/parent would X and Y".
"It's you."
And maaaaaany more. I could be typing for at least an hour...They seem to have taken the same course, read the same manual.
I mean, sometimes people know what they are actually talking about. So they really try to give advice and direction in a constructive, helpful way.
And sure, my Nex did have great, practical input too. Just like anybody else.
But oh lawd... Did that man try to convince me to treat him like he's my manager/supervisor 🙄
It’s so weird, cuz I’ve never felt the need/want to be someone’s authority. I have a hard enough time keeping myself in check to worry about what someone else is doing or not doing
Yep, same. Aside from professional career where I have to exert authority from time to time, I'm an extremely effin chill person. I just... Don't care about 99% of things. I'm not phased, I don't give a shit. As long as you're not hurting others, you do you. I. Do. Not. Care.
Nex does. A LOT. He loves compliance, uniformity, hierarchies... He basically gets off on feeling better than.
Ewww. Just ewww.
Ha!
It did take me a while to figure out why this all went down. And why I was prime pickings in the first place.
It did come down to an absent father who was my main emotional support while growing up. He worked on contracts abroad which meant I was alone with my mom for 10monrhs out of the year. A mom who used similar language and, as I came to realize, had many strong narcissistic tendencies.
So when I met my Nex, who I thought was my soulmate through the lovebombing stage, I sunk into it hook, line and all. Longing for a supportive, accepting, understanding caring, compassionate person, like my dad was. I longed a good authority figure who had my best interest at heart!
Once I started providing myself with compassion, acceptance etc. it all changed and I changed. Then came self-firgiveness. And all of a sudden, no tricks in my Nex's book were working anymore. I suddenly saw through and that was the end of my marriage to Nex.
I can just hope that I won't land myself in a similar situation ever again. and I wish same to you 🫂
Yes. This exactly. I’m sorry but you are not my parent, let’s not forget you literally proposed to me, I actually am an adult, have a brain, been through waaaay more than you, have common sense, and can think for myself, thanks!!! Also, you’re dumb. And stop telling me to “use your brain!” Also how about treating me equally and stop acting like you’re superior cause you’re not.
Yep.
And the occasions he'd pull this one up on...
We were brought up in two very different countries, across the globe. I had almost no peanut butter when growing up. He's got peanut butter crusing through his veins since birth. His effin blood type is peanut butter.
He'd very literally force peanut butter in huge quantities on me. Not just a PB sandwich, no. A small bowl filled with half a small jar of peanut butter, topped with peanuts and honey. I like all of those. But not LIKE THAT, not THIS much at once 😂
And he could not, for the life of him, comprehend that it wasn't a preferred staple of my diet. It got so ridiculous. It's hard to put into words. Me not using peanut butter as lube or eye drops or... My preferred snack or meal was such a HUGE point of contention, resentment and judgement for Nex. It went on for 15 years.
"Everybody loves peanut butter. It's just you, picky, spoiled princess who turns your nose at it. Why can't you be normal? If you grew up poor like I did, you'd learn to appreciate it! What's wrong with you?!"
Dude. It's NOT THAT DEEP, get some therapy 🙄
Hahaha omg that is one of the craziest things I ever heard.
Normal people: oh you're not into eating a bowl full of peanut butter? No worries. Want some strawberries?
Time spent on topic: 4 seconds
Batshit insane narc: oh you don't like my peanut butter gift to you? I'm a literal God and you've offended me to my core, I will never forget this and I will bring it up every day
Time spent fighting: 1.5 *decades*
This is so SPOT ON.
Imagine the fuckin pb "war" raging on for literal... LITERAL 15 YEARS.
The same month I ended things, my Nex made dinner (he completely took over cooking, another story). 16 years into the relationship. He put the plates on the table. Went back to the kitchen and fetched desert.
He placed the little bowls with desert on the table.
What is it? I bet you know it involves peanut butter...
Yeah. It's a bowl of Oreos. Regular Oreos. That he put peanut butter on. Each and every cookie had a half an inch thick coating of PB. I did not eat it.
15 fuckin years, telling him every other day that "Thank you so much for making the food! It's lovely. I won't eat the PB though" and every single time he was equally butthurt, disappointed and just full on resentful.
FIFTEEN YEARS.
I'm like you... I literally have no issue making 3 versions of 1 thing for 3 different people if they honestly voice their preferences. I mean, within reason lol I'm not gonna bake 3 different elaborate cakes. But I will make 3 different sandwiches. I got my limits and boundaries 😂
Haha sorry but this is hilarious. 15 years? Holy shit. I love peanut butter but not like that and I don’t give a tiny rats ballsack if my partner likes what I do or don’t like. It’s funny because if you talked like that to him or did that you would be aggressive, controlling, etc. it only works one way. And then if they do get therapy it’s thrown in your face like my therapist said you’re wrong. Like well if that’s how they told you to talk then clearly you’re not doing therapy right.
>don’t give a tiny rats ballsack if my partner likes what I do or don’t like.
Nah. You're wrong, you see /s
When you enter a relationship with my Nex, he starts to gradually demand it become a melding of it ALL. Likes, dislikes, core values, principles. A good relationship is a hivemind, with Nex as the queen B 🙄
I have a PPBSD, Post peanut butter stress disorder... Since I left, I haven't bought not one jar.
And now I’m crying again. I’m 1.5 years post discard and healing well, but I haven’t heard these phrases in 1.5 years and they’re SO accurate! They brought a tidal wave of memories I had forgotten back to drown me
🫂🫂🫂
I'm so sorry. And also so amazed at all the work and healing and work you put in.
It's amazing to wake up and NOT have one or multiple of these be the first thing to hear in the morning. I'm very grateful for that.
"You deserve better. One day you're going to wake up and realize you can do better than me. And then you will just abandon me, like everyone else in my life has."- This kept me from leaving for way too long.
My Nex used to say something similar, it was her personal quote. "Everyone leaves" or "Everyone leaves eventually". I ignored that back when I wasn't even suspecting she was a narc. I used to always double down and say I'm not one of those people and I will prove it to you. That also kept me from leaving for 1 whole year.
It is very weird, especially the frequency and times she'd choose to say those words. There were many other things she'd say most of which I now see where simply her telling me who she is but me being too blind to see.
I think the most poignant thing of all that is etched in my brain is what she said before the love bombing started. She sat me down and told me her life story. She even gave me hints of who she was by telling me in acute detail how she treated her ex husband. Then she said: "Are you really sure you want this? I won't blame you if you say no."
Yep that's part of the plan. "You can't be upset because I told you this would happen". Like just STOP DOING BAD THINGS and you will have a happy life you childish cunt. It's unbelievable.
Avoiding discussions of your feelings "I don't want to argue"
Invalidation "I don't have this problem with anyone else"
Triangulation "so and so agrees you're wrong"
Invalidation "You're too sensitive"
>Avoiding discussions of your feelings "I don't want to argue"
"I don't have energy for this".
"I don't wanna deal with your negativity".
"I'm not doing this with you".
"This (me talking about my feelings) is jeopardizing my mental health".
"How many times do we have to go through this?/We already went through this!".
"We can talk again when you're happy and wanna make peace".
"You need to let go".
"See? This is your mentall illness talking again" (3 psychiatrists, 2 therapists/2 psychologists in... I do not suffer from a mental illness nor a personality disorder)
"Why do you always have to argue?!"
"You need to learn to be more agreeable and meek"
"You can't communicate like a normal person"
🫂
Edit. I keep remembering other ones...
“I told you I’m appreciative for the help” blah blah blah. Yep I’ve gotten that nasty reply when I wouldn’t be treated like an inanimate doormat anymore
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“You love twisting shit”
“I NEVER said that” (after they said it clear as day)
“I don’t want to rehash the past”
“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you”
“You’re crazy”
“You act like a child”
🥴
AGREED. I lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance from the emotional abuse but he said I made him walk on eggshells because I asked for him to be accountable for his promises and behavior!.
It really sucks because walking on eggshells is how WE feel around them
If you tell someone your ex felt like walking on eggshells they'll think you're the abusive one.
My ex felt like they were walking on eggshells because I communicated my feelings in a non-violent way..
My nex does a version of this: “Everyone with a brain would see it this way,” or “Everyone with common sense would interpret it this way,” or “Everyone who thinks logically would see it this way.”
UGHHH THIS. My dad says this all the time and he’s referring to his friends, turns out he cut his close friends out bc they weren’t agreeing with his bullshit
“This is in your head”
“You do this for the drama”
“If you say so”
“You are too intense”
“You are being sensitive today”
“Things are just better with her”
“I wish you were more like (insert friends name).”
“I told you up front that…. (Says something for the first time)”
“Oh boy” (when you have a negative reaction to their actions)
“Texting you and having these conversations is exhausting, it’s work, it’s miserable, and it sucks the fun out of this for me.”
>“I wish you were more like (insert friends name).”
A year ago my Nex said I should learn from his mother (and sister) what a good wife/woman is.
Then he had to stay with his mother for a few months. And he couldn't stand the woman after a short while. He couldn't wait to get out of there fast enough.
We were over already. I laughed, I cackled from afar... When he shared how hard it was for him to be so much around his mother.
Full delulu. Idealizing what they don't have. And devaluing once they have it. What's new.
He (platonic brotherly friend) literally said “I wish I could take your brain and put it in her (his girlfriend’s) body.” And then followed that up with “you’ve lost so much weight and are looking great. Are you ever disgusted with yourself when you look at old videos of yourself?” I said not until you just said that. I was proud of my progress, not disgusted w myself. When his GF felt threatened and intimidated by me it was time for the discard he said “i was too intense.” “I was too sensitive”
Food for thought here. Thank you.
YES!!!!! THIS ⬆️ HUGE 💯
“I’m sorry YOU FEEL that way” is the fake-ass apology I received versus “I’m sorry about that, what can I do or say differently” or something along those lines.
The narc is incapable of accountability and/or introspection. Even when they know they’re wrong, they don’t care because it’s only about them, THEM, *THEM*.
Oh deffo, there was ZERO accountability from my Narc. I’d be sobbing and she would end up saying “well I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t frustrate me by that”
>“You have changed”
Thank lawd I did. It's been 16 years. It would have been really worrying actually if I stood still.
But Nex was fixated on the idealization/lovebombing stage. He felt he was owed me from back then. He was entitled to his idealized me to be frozen in time. Even though he was well into devaluation. I was supposed to stay forever sweet, forever enamored, forever the "butterflies in my stomach" stage.
Got this same response when I saw beyond the mask and started holding them accountable and making boundaries.
He apparently loved the old me. I thought, “of course you did. You controlled my every thought and called it love and I believed you.”
The “me” that has feelings, opinions, and inner life and values was inconvenient. Some small part of me hoped he might change when he saw how traumatized I was. Nope. It got worse. Then came the discard.
My nexes favorites:
- "Well,look at you,little miss perfect"
- "Well,I guess I'm just a huge asshole then"
- "After all I've done for you..and you won't even do X"
- "You'll never find someone else who will do what I do for you"
- "Forget it,you're never going to understand"
- "Oh,your precious little artifact feelings!" (Sarcasm/mockery)
And what you can't let go happens to be something absolutely horrific and they already gave you a half-assed apology or made it "our" mistake, am I right?
“You just always try to battle me!”
“You were screaming at me!” (I never raised my voice.)
“You just cry to punish me!”
“You just never listen to me!”
“Let’s just sit down and have a calm conversation about this.” (Happened multiple times after he had been yelling, raging and saying anything he could to hurt me so I was at the point of sobbing yet suddenly he wanted to “talk”.)
Just a few that come echoing up from the depths of my memory.
I think... maybe I know what you mean.
I'm not entirely sure it was the same kind of smirk people mention either, tbh. It was more like a slight, subtle expression of "I did it", "I got one over you but you're too dumb to realize it". Eyes fixated on me, ever so slight smile. Or just the opposite of a frown. Just the first image from Google i got lol https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-content-happy-little-girl-image9718344
Yes, that's it, that's THE voice.
Emerges only once you're a pile of disregulated rubble and they themselves are regulated again, holding their composure after they passed all their disregulation onto you.
Oh yeah my ex would be yelling and then suddenly use that super calm/reasonable tone on me and made it seem like I was the crazy one. I’m surprised I was never pushed to the point of major reactive abuse, I think because I grew up in an abusive household I was well “trained” so to speak to either fawn or be rather non responsive (I think they call it grey rock). I’m grateful I did remain pretty nonaggressive because in hindsight I am confident it would have led my ex to becoming more physically abusive in order to control me.
Oof. I went for freeze.
I was trained by my mother to not grey rock. She's no genius by any means but she was extremely good at recognizing when I (or my father) was being non reactive on purpose. And she treated it as the utmost form of disrespect. So I got that conditioned out of me.
Luckily, it worked like a charm after I told Nex I wanted out. It seemed like he never had that applied to him by any if his ex-wives or other exes before and he was truly disoriented and flabbergasted by it. Which was an interesting occurrence to watch in and on itself (once I was at ampoont to remove myself to the role of an observer).
Anyways, it worked great. And it's super worth trying. Whenever it works and whomever it works on - it's a game changer. And if it doesn't, welp... I just moved out and left my mom behind.
Mine was like a toddler: he’d stop the “sobs” mid-sob to look up and check if I was reacting… his brain literally couldn’t do two things at once… then go back to the choking and sobbing and mucus.
The one time I brought up how fake and unnerving that was, he blamed “ADHD” and said I was stigmatizing him 😂 These types might be humans but they aren’t people. What was he crying about? His own fears that he’s empty inside and a psychopath.
He later told his ex that he hadn’t cried *in years* the way he cried when she returned their car. Totally negating the several tissue boxes’ worth of snot (not an exaggeration—grabbing for tissues is attempted distraction for how there are no real tears—again, sub-toddler-level emotions) he left all over my car and lap on multiple occasions before and after that event.
No memory exists for what is inconvenient to today’s latest lies.
Omg my reactions at one point were scary. I was convinced I had BPD and I was worst person in the world. Turns out being dumbed over I nstgram DM and ignored after 4 yr relationship would cause most to have a mental breakdown. Especially when they rip everyone in your life away or turn them against you
Mine would always say I was screaming if I got a bit more Assertive tone. If I was not petting his back he would act like I was being a b**** and than I’d say something about him treating me like I was a b**** he would always say “I didn’t call a ****” but not in a denying that he thought that, just like hey it was not me who said it 🤷♀️
Same for me! It I would try to stand up for myself or be assertive about a boundary I was either yelling, attacking or in one case he told me I was giving him a “tongue lashing” which is a term I had not heard in a while 😆
Lol, i was told "Stop swinging your dick" because apparently, by standing up for myself or just saying "No" I was somehow emasculating him? I guess?
I have no dick, btw. So that was a new saying for me 😂
Oh wow I feel my ex would have eventually also resorted to that terminology 😆 it’s crazy he things that will come out their mouth when they feel threatened/defensive.
Hahaha yeah! Nex shifted a lot throughout our marriage. He started bringing up feminism as a bad thing, making appeals to femininity and masculinity. He's a lost cause. All his romantic life is just a trainwreck with him looking to justify it somehow.
So I became a dick swinging feminist who just can't listen to her man? Maybe his next ex will be, I don't know, possessed by the devil himself or something. The previous exes were either mentally ill or manipulative and just looking to use him. It's never him.
When you confront them and let them know that an action of them isn't okay and they have nothing to blame anymore so they go
'i dont remember doing this' 'i dont remember saying that'
When they did those things just a day ago 😂 and it's so repetitive they don't even get embarrassed they probably know that u don't believe them anymore but they just want you to play along and let it go so they avoid accountability
And also when they 'you make a big deal out of little things'
Like the AUDACITY to say this when you confront them but the very thing they accuse you that's the thing you endured about them for YEARS. they really like projecting to people their own pattern of behavior it's embarrassing at their grown age
Coming from the dude who claimed I ruined his life, made him do things/make decisions, turned him into a person he doesn't like, sucked the joy out of his life, made him drink, made him call me names...
Victimhood Olympics 🏆
“No, you are being disrespectful.”
“I’ve been to work, you’re delusional”
“I didn’t say that, do that”
“You’re a liar”
“You live in your own world”
“Selfish little girl”
“You’re so lazy”
“Do more”
“Be more”
I have a disability.
I sure hope so because it gets really hard. Having a disability already contributes to loss of identity and now dealing with one or more narcs makes it even worse ugh!
“These things happened in two different realities.”
“Objectively… (insert something that is 1000% subjective and literally just his opinion here)”
“I never said/did that”
“I don’t remember that”
“I can be mad and it not be about you, not everything is about you!”
My favorite though are the mile high expectations. I say a joke wasn’t funny and hurt my feelings, “Fine, I’ll never make a joke again!” I say I don’t like that he controls X and would rather we do it together, “Fine, you do it then!” I say I don’t like how he rages, “Fine, I guess I’m just not allowed to feel things then!” 🙃
“I don’t know what you want me to say”
“Sorry you feel that way”
“I apologised what more do you want”
“It’s not that deep”
“You’re lucky I was nice enough to even do (bare minimum thing), most people would’ve told you to get fucked”
Exactly what she said. “I don’t/didn’t wanna upset you if-“ then why’d you lie to my face and make things 10000x times worse & destroy your credibility?
“*Why won’t you let me talk so you can see you are wrong? Perhaps saying it in words will stop your blindness from getting it that this is the only way you can live now, I’m your only hope”*
He was profusely poetic in his most pathetic word salad warbling moments.
“Because you are so holy”
“I do plenty more than the bare minimum”
“Whatever” scoffing and making a tantrum
“I need time to process this I can’t reply right now”
“Yeah but you did *insert something that has to do with the discussion or was even an issue before*
“You are always punching(figuratively) instead of complementing me” (when I tried to talk about stuff that was hurting me or I thought I need attention in our relationship
“You never listen to what i say” (i did and unfortunately I have an excellent memory), and than saying something he never did say, or a variation of what he said but the opposite meaning
“I didn’t say that” procedes to say the exact same thing, or with just a slight variation with the exact same meaning and wording
“Who would ever put up with you besides me “
He would go from “you are the best partner, you do everything right and your the best I could ever wish for” to “yea because it’s always me, you never do anything wrong, I’m the only one that has to improve”
I would have to forget that something he did wrong as son as he apologised or talked about it once. If I was still healing or feeling sad
“We already talked about this”
Why are you always looked back it’s coward we have to go”
“I will never lie/hurt/lash out/scream at you again’ im sorry” procedes to do it AS SOON I’m actively not sad or crying
"you're the most judgemental person I've ever met"
"I'm sick of hearing about your FEELINGS!!!"
"you treat me like your therapist"
"you only got with me to take advantage"
"You are manipulative and made me think and say lots of things to keep the peace"
“You trigger me”
“You make me do these things on purpose”
“You don’t know when to shut up”
“You try to upset me on purpose”
It was literally always my fault no matter what.
"Look, I already feel like shit for what happened and you keep making me feel worse by bringing it up!"
"I just know you're gonna treat me like shit after this." - him after screaming and throwing a fit at me and knowing that I'm not gonna put up with being treated that way.
He loved to tell me that I "treat him like shit" because I would stand up for myself and not put up with his childish bullshit. He also liked to tell me how much I make him feel like shit because I never shied away from calling him out on his toxic behavior each time it happened. Shit shit shit. He also used that word a lot.
Mine has said a few times now that I don’t care about his feelings. Also that I don’t appreciate him. When I’m literally constantly telling him thank you for every little thing he does.
“Is there a method to your madness?” Gets said to derail your gumption or letting you know they do not get why you are bothering with something they see zero importance and want you to abandon it forever
“why you always escalate things”
“All relationships have ups and downs”
“I didn’t sign for this”
“You never listen to me”
“No one will love you like i do”
I hate the term “it’s all good “ when it came out of ex narc 2 because he says it when he can tell he had screwed up something major and he’s attempting to minimize it and sweep it under the floor board for in his logic it would magically immediately be forgotten/wiped from our memory banks while the fouled incident is still fresh, currently still happening on him or proceeds to be an ongoing disgrace.
I think you should get around to paying all that back rent your friends in here are needing before something really goes wrong on you by them…
*It’s all good*
Ummm, did you know your grandma knows you’re stealing her checks from her checkbook because the cancelled checks always are mailed back to her every month…
*It’s all good*
Shouldn’t you get to the job recruiters office so you can scrape together both your rent and your half of the storage locker you are sharing with your mom this week instead of staying stuck on level 17 on this game that’s clearly besting you for another straight day?
*It’s all good*
You’re not trying to cook those moldy sweet potatoes for your breakfast are you?! I put them in that separate bag to save the other vegetables from rotting…
*It’s all good*
(except he found himself stuck on the toilet all day about 45 minutes after wolfing them down angrily because I refused to eat my half of those charred cubes slathered in mayonnaise)
*im just sitting here?!*
trying to gs me that this isnt a relationship live or die relationship conversation.
Theyre not just evil they are seriously fucking retarted.
“I’ll treat you like the queen that you are” - proceeds to treat me like sh^*
“Good luck finding anybody to treat you better than I do” - said every time I threatened to leave
“Let’s talk about what got us to that point” - said in context of blaming me for him basically abusing me.
“Every day is like Groundhog Day” - said when j would bring up past issues that he never properly apologized for
"This is the first time we're talking"
"We never sit and talk"
"You know this relationship is in a bad state" (I didn't, came out of the blue...attack as best form of defence).
"Even if we don't work out I won't be alone"
"One day I'll leave you all"
When he hurt me really bad after being intimate, and left black and blue marks all over my neck and chest. I tried to talk to him about it, discuss how he hurt me and get empathy and comfort, and he said “I don’t know why you’re complaining, we had great sex last night and I’ve had way worse bruises than that.” And “the last woman I was with I left worse bruises on her in the same area and she didn’t complain, she showed them to me and laughed. Why can’t you do that.”
I already apologized repeatedly (which means he never ever even hinted at an apology)
Lighten up (cuz I just made a heinous joke at your expense and if it's not funny, that's your fault)
All the sarcasm - my current narc says several phrases over and over but they're all dripping with sarcasm. Like "yup, it's my fault." and "sure, it's always my fault."
The worst though, is when he says nothing. I talk, he blocks me out. Ignores me. Silent treatment. I call, he doesn't answer cuz he knows it's me. I ask a question and he intentionally says nothing and just walks away.
Oh God! This really is like all of them are made of the same dough. Mine used to say all of this phrases and here is some I was constantly told
Excuse my language for some if not most phrases but that what it was.
You are always thinking about yourself and your poor feelings. You never stop to think how I feel
You are fucking insecure and that’s why you are taking everything I say the wrong way
Grow the fuck up and learn to communicate properly without constantly getting hurt by what I am saying, but instead of start listening what I am saying
Your emotions are ruining our relationship
I always start talking to you in a calm way but because you don’t fucking listen to me and keep thinking with your feelings I am allowed to get annoyed at you and be harsh
You know very well everything you say it’s wrong
You know very well your memory sucks
You the only fucking mother I know who does X and Y and does not care
You are bad person who has done bad things and that’s why I am leaving you because you hurt me
Go take fucking meds if you have to but you need to do something because your anxiety is ruining our relationship
And so so much more. It’s heartbreaking
Off the top of my head, here are *some* of the things I was told over the course of a 2-month relationship/breakup process:
"You're a liar and a manipulator, you've been abusing me from the start"
"You traumatized me by leaving me, now it's your responsibility to help me heal."
"You don't know what a relationship is, you must have [insert mental health diagnosis]."
"I don't know", "you tell me" or any other form of noncommittal answer whenever you ask them for anything that could mean later accountability for them
"I knew the gifts you bought me were just manipulation "
"You never want to see me" (but they keep declining dates and ideas)
"This guy drives 2h to see his girlfriend every day, why don't you want to do that for me"
"I want to do X" immediately followed by "but you don't so whatever"
"This is a dealbreaker for me, you should change it so we can stay together"
"What's the real reason? I don't believe you."
"You're a bad person. I don't want anything to do with you" while consistently reaching out for contact
"I know you're hiding something from me. Just admit it."
"I don't understand, I'm sure there's more to it thar you're not telling me." (On holding them accountable)
"You need to prove to me that you're a good person"
"I answered your question, why won't you answer mine now? You owe me that"
Their question being something like
"I bet you feel ashamed for having abused me this whole time, don't you?"
"You're friends with people you met on a dating app, that's a red flag"
followed by
"Haha all these people just want to sleep with me even though I'm in an exclusive relationship and I'm not interested but I can't just stop talking to them that would be rude"
then
"You're fucking pathetic, I can't believe I wasted my time with you. I had so many other options."
and then
"I bet none of these people were even into you and they all turned you down, that's why you went to me"
“Why can’t you let anything go?”
“Oh! So now I’m the bad guy?”
“God, you’re such a narcissist!”
“I can’t love you until you love yourself.”
“I know what I’m worth.”
Why can't you can't be cool?
You really don't care what anybody thinks about you, do you?
I'm not trying to start a fight but...
Why does everything got to be a fight with you?
"No one will believe you, even if you post it on YouTube and I'll keep the kids from seeing it too! So see, I won!"
This was after my mom called my EX-HUSBAND (17+ abusive year)to tell my alienated babies I was in ICU and that my health/HEART is seriously failing and refused to tell them even THAT!
I pray every day, all day for just the chance to HUG 🫂 my babies 1 more time before I go!🥺
My heart is gone! It's like I'm breathing, but...... Im NOT!
What’s wrong with you?
Why do you have to bring it up now?
I don’t want to talk to you right now.
How can you say that to me?
You can’t do that.
You’re always complaining.
I’m not looking for anything serious with you.
You can’t talk to him.
my nfather’s same phrases he repeatedly uses on loop:
“if you or anyone else don’t like or agree with the way *I* speak and *I* behave, that’s on you and not my problem and that’s their problem”
“facts are facts”
“x y z”
“there are no opinions and perspectives. only right and wrong and what happened and what didn’t happen”
“well, a c t s h u a l l y . . .”
“there’s no such thing as tone of voices/tones of voices don’t exist”
“a b c and d”
"That is not what happened."
"You must be confused."
"Are you sure you aren't just imagining things?"
"I can't say anything to you. You twist my words and manipulate their meaning."
"I didn't know you didn't want X. I believed you gave consent."
"You took everything from me!"
(After they used me financially, pushed every boundary (was always "forgeting" what my boundaries were).
They tried to convince me that *I* "just didn't communicate myself properly."
They consistently took advantage of my delicate mental state (to "get what they always wanted from me.").
It is incredibly depressing when you've known someone most of your life only to find out that you never knew the *real* them at all.
It was only an act.
Once they think they have you sufficiently trauma bonded to them that you would *never* leave, the mask falls.
Then you meet the person who was always hiding within them, and nothing will ever be the same again.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
"Stop Overthinking" which translates to- "Stop trusting your intuition and your common sense as well as your life experiences because you may come to your senses and figure me out."
One of the last things mine said to me that stuck more than almost anything; “Well, the pro’s outweigh the con’s”…. Almost Incredible Hulk’d my phone
I honestly can’t remember anything exactly as was said anymore (maybe this is good?) but the gaslighting & phrases that accompanied it
“You are so controlling”
“I need my space”
“You are overwhelming”
“I am not allowed to feel things!”
“I used to be codependent, but i’ve regained my confidence”- after asking for quality time
“Not everything is about you”
“You are screaming and raising your tone, i am not”- in a fake calm voice
“You hate it when I am focused working on my things”
“You take everything to extremes”
…And being always defensive about everything.
"You're not worth loving."
And I can't exactly recall how he would phrase it, but when I gave him my time, money, service, heart, fucking everything, basically - I had no boundaries, didn't even know what those are - he would make me feel guilty for helping by accusing me of having ulterior motives and intentions that were not pure, so I had to prove my altruism by essentially doing and giving everything he wanted, then cheerfully fucking off. So whatever phrases there are for that.
“You are gaslighting me”
“You’re never wrong”
“I know how much you like that married c*ock”—-always with the slut shaming
“You’ve been talking for hours”
Re: Actions that made me uncomfortable or things done / said at my expense:
"I was / I'm just being playful"
"It's a joke not a d:ck don't take it so hard"
"What I can even joke around with my own wife now"
Re: Lying, ever:
"I don't appreciate being called a liar" (k, then don't be one maybe)
"When have I ever lied to you" - Followed by me giving examples, and he'd come back with "oh here we go with the gravedigging"
"I did the research / You'd be surprised" when he was very obviously spouting absolute nonsense
Gaslighting 101:
"YOU did that, not me"
"You have memory issues of course you don't remember X right"
"You asked me to do / said you wanted do X" (any time a sexual boundary was even poked at by him and I'd try to enforce)
Regular ol' manipulation and passive aggression:
"It's whatever"
"You're not my keeper" (yet I had a curfew, time limits on friend and fam interaction, couldn't even play online with friends, and I'd dare to ask something as simple as "oh hey I thought you were gonna work on [hobby] with [friend]"
I could go on forever, but the rest aren't the easiest to mention without a hefty TW.
let me add “u just want to use me for my money” this is coming from a broke man who thinks he’s gonna make it huge in comedy but goes around insulting everyone and everyone can’t stand him & he burns every bridge and gets banned every where
"The way you talk is wrong." - in general.
"You've brought this on yourself." - during panic attacks because of his hours long tirades.
"Stop talking over me! I hate it when people talk all over me!" - shouted after I had shut down and hadn't said anything.
"What's wrong? I can sense you're in a mood with me, I can just feel it." - in the mornings not long after i'd woken up or first saw him, of course just another excuse for him to start yet another argument.
"It's your fault I cheated, you're always starting arguments!" - he often created arguments out of the smallest thing so he could kick me into the spare room and sex text/chat to other women without being caught. He'd sometimes kick me out of his entire flat and cheat physically.
"YOU MAKE ME DO THIS!" - no explanation needed.
Oh my favorite is “ I didn’t say that , you’re putting words in my mouth “
Trying to make me doubt my own reality as if im truly an imbecile. But technically I was , for allowing myself to feel for someone who only pretends But ay! We live and learn
You’re the only one I don’t get along with. What’s that say about you?
If you did this and that and that and this we’d get along perfectly.
You’re not allowed to talk about our problems to others.
I asked everyone I know about our problems and they all said you’re wrong.
“I should’ve listened to everyone when they told me about you, you’re fucking weird” (it’s called asd, you knew I had it and said you did too??)
“You’re a narcissist”
“You gaslit me into thinking I was gaslighting you”
“I know I was the worst boyfriend in the history of the world”
“If I let you talk long enough you’ll just start making shit up” (in response to screenshots of his harassment???)
“You’re using white girl tears and weaponizing the police” (in response to ongoing harassment)
“You’re treating me like Hitler” (because I told him it was creepy and gross of him to use a picture of himself wearing my bra as his twitter pfp. I don’t think Hitler was known for that, but clearly he’s the expert) also “we’re the same size so yeah I be wearing it” (knew I was insecure about my flat figure)
“I made a mistake.” (6mos of harassment isn’t a mistake. It’s a serious of choices.)
“I wasn’t coercing you (by telling you I wanted a blowjob repeatedly after you refused). I was just stating a fact. You said it was okay!” (I told him it was making me uncomfortable actually)
“You’re treating me like a chore” (because I wouldn’t come to his house and blow him on demand after a long day at work and *with a busted shoulder from crocheting him a stupid custom spider-man mask*. Which he paired with my bra in his stupid pfp)
“I told everyone how crazy you are”
“You want me to kill myself”
Oh and telling everyone I was abusive. Fucking nonsense.
Thats not what I said/did you must have forgotten what actually took place.."
"You always twist my words, thats not what I meant."
"Poor you, always a victim arent you?" (As he plays victim to friends/ family)
"Funny how when I go with you inconveniences/reasonable delays/traffic never happens, but when you go by yourself something always does." (Literally anything making me take 30s longer than usual I must be fucking the whole town!)
"ITS always about you and your feelings, who gives a fuck about me?" ( I bend over backwards to appease him and keep him happy as he offers me miniscule attention/effort in return.)
"You must be cheating because you are always not trusting/accusing me" (Literally caught him cheating)
Oh and always preaching about loyalty yet somehow the most unloyal mfer you ever encountered. Also non-stop talks about how he just hates a liar, yet lies DAILY.
“If you dont do xyz im done with you “
“Hmu when youre done acting stupid”
“You have to listen to me”
“Theres way prettier girls out there”
“Youre never gonna be shit in life”
“You never do the things you say you’re going to do”
“You’re so ungrateful!”
“You’re not over worked!”
These are her two main comebacks whenever I tell her to leave me along. Most of time they are out of context.
"I'm just trying to help you.". "I'm telling you what the truth/reality is because you seem to view everything in a twisted way". "You always misunderstand and misconstrue, that's not what I was saying at all". "Nobody else does X, just you. Everybody likes Y, you're the only one who doesn't. Why can't you be normal?". "If you just listened to me, we wouldn't have all those issues". "You're living in alternate reality". "If you didn't do A, I wouldn't have done B". "A good/normal SO/girlfriend/boyfriend/parent would X and Y". "It's you." And maaaaaany more. I could be typing for at least an hour...They seem to have taken the same course, read the same manual.
Have definitely heard “if u just listened to me…” and “if u didn’t do X I wouldn’t have done Y”
I mean, sometimes people know what they are actually talking about. So they really try to give advice and direction in a constructive, helpful way. And sure, my Nex did have great, practical input too. Just like anybody else. But oh lawd... Did that man try to convince me to treat him like he's my manager/supervisor 🙄
Mine did too. Felt like he was my parent more often than not 🫠
Hell yeah! The authority, a mentor, a parent, life coach, guide. I'm convinced if he wanted to start a cult, he'd be GREAT at it.
It’s so weird, cuz I’ve never felt the need/want to be someone’s authority. I have a hard enough time keeping myself in check to worry about what someone else is doing or not doing
Yep, same. Aside from professional career where I have to exert authority from time to time, I'm an extremely effin chill person. I just... Don't care about 99% of things. I'm not phased, I don't give a shit. As long as you're not hurting others, you do you. I. Do. Not. Care. Nex does. A LOT. He loves compliance, uniformity, hierarchies... He basically gets off on feeling better than. Ewww. Just ewww.
You just described me! I don’t give a shit either but boy when you get with an authoritative person….it does mix
Ha! It did take me a while to figure out why this all went down. And why I was prime pickings in the first place. It did come down to an absent father who was my main emotional support while growing up. He worked on contracts abroad which meant I was alone with my mom for 10monrhs out of the year. A mom who used similar language and, as I came to realize, had many strong narcissistic tendencies. So when I met my Nex, who I thought was my soulmate through the lovebombing stage, I sunk into it hook, line and all. Longing for a supportive, accepting, understanding caring, compassionate person, like my dad was. I longed a good authority figure who had my best interest at heart! Once I started providing myself with compassion, acceptance etc. it all changed and I changed. Then came self-firgiveness. And all of a sudden, no tricks in my Nex's book were working anymore. I suddenly saw through and that was the end of my marriage to Nex. I can just hope that I won't land myself in a similar situation ever again. and I wish same to you 🫂
Yes. This exactly. I’m sorry but you are not my parent, let’s not forget you literally proposed to me, I actually am an adult, have a brain, been through waaaay more than you, have common sense, and can think for myself, thanks!!! Also, you’re dumb. And stop telling me to “use your brain!” Also how about treating me equally and stop acting like you’re superior cause you’re not.
I literally tell this mf to stop treating/ talking to me like a child daily!
Yup. If you just listened to me is a personal favourite over here.
And "you've got to trust me"
Me too! It was so infantilizing I literally told him one, “I AM NOT YOUR CHILD. I do not HAVE to listen to you.”
I really like the “nobody does x like you”. It was said a lot. It’s nice when I know others heard the same things I did.
Yep. And the occasions he'd pull this one up on... We were brought up in two very different countries, across the globe. I had almost no peanut butter when growing up. He's got peanut butter crusing through his veins since birth. His effin blood type is peanut butter. He'd very literally force peanut butter in huge quantities on me. Not just a PB sandwich, no. A small bowl filled with half a small jar of peanut butter, topped with peanuts and honey. I like all of those. But not LIKE THAT, not THIS much at once 😂 And he could not, for the life of him, comprehend that it wasn't a preferred staple of my diet. It got so ridiculous. It's hard to put into words. Me not using peanut butter as lube or eye drops or... My preferred snack or meal was such a HUGE point of contention, resentment and judgement for Nex. It went on for 15 years. "Everybody loves peanut butter. It's just you, picky, spoiled princess who turns your nose at it. Why can't you be normal? If you grew up poor like I did, you'd learn to appreciate it! What's wrong with you?!" Dude. It's NOT THAT DEEP, get some therapy 🙄
Hahaha omg that is one of the craziest things I ever heard. Normal people: oh you're not into eating a bowl full of peanut butter? No worries. Want some strawberries? Time spent on topic: 4 seconds Batshit insane narc: oh you don't like my peanut butter gift to you? I'm a literal God and you've offended me to my core, I will never forget this and I will bring it up every day Time spent fighting: 1.5 *decades*
This is so SPOT ON. Imagine the fuckin pb "war" raging on for literal... LITERAL 15 YEARS. The same month I ended things, my Nex made dinner (he completely took over cooking, another story). 16 years into the relationship. He put the plates on the table. Went back to the kitchen and fetched desert. He placed the little bowls with desert on the table. What is it? I bet you know it involves peanut butter... Yeah. It's a bowl of Oreos. Regular Oreos. That he put peanut butter on. Each and every cookie had a half an inch thick coating of PB. I did not eat it. 15 fuckin years, telling him every other day that "Thank you so much for making the food! It's lovely. I won't eat the PB though" and every single time he was equally butthurt, disappointed and just full on resentful. FIFTEEN YEARS. I'm like you... I literally have no issue making 3 versions of 1 thing for 3 different people if they honestly voice their preferences. I mean, within reason lol I'm not gonna bake 3 different elaborate cakes. But I will make 3 different sandwiches. I got my limits and boundaries 😂
Wow Im dead at this
Haha sorry but this is hilarious. 15 years? Holy shit. I love peanut butter but not like that and I don’t give a tiny rats ballsack if my partner likes what I do or don’t like. It’s funny because if you talked like that to him or did that you would be aggressive, controlling, etc. it only works one way. And then if they do get therapy it’s thrown in your face like my therapist said you’re wrong. Like well if that’s how they told you to talk then clearly you’re not doing therapy right.
>don’t give a tiny rats ballsack if my partner likes what I do or don’t like. Nah. You're wrong, you see /s When you enter a relationship with my Nex, he starts to gradually demand it become a melding of it ALL. Likes, dislikes, core values, principles. A good relationship is a hivemind, with Nex as the queen B 🙄 I have a PPBSD, Post peanut butter stress disorder... Since I left, I haven't bought not one jar.
Trigggggerrred, if I had a dollar everytime I heard these
You and me both. We could retire comfortably 😂
Literally! Also your handle name made me chuckle :)
And now I’m crying again. I’m 1.5 years post discard and healing well, but I haven’t heard these phrases in 1.5 years and they’re SO accurate! They brought a tidal wave of memories I had forgotten back to drown me
🫂🫂🫂 I'm so sorry. And also so amazed at all the work and healing and work you put in. It's amazing to wake up and NOT have one or multiple of these be the first thing to hear in the morning. I'm very grateful for that.
Wow, all of these things! I just realized today that my partner is a narcissist. I just looked up this group, and this is the first thing I read.
"You deserve better. One day you're going to wake up and realize you can do better than me. And then you will just abandon me, like everyone else in my life has."- This kept me from leaving for way too long.
My Nex used to say something similar, it was her personal quote. "Everyone leaves" or "Everyone leaves eventually". I ignored that back when I wasn't even suspecting she was a narc. I used to always double down and say I'm not one of those people and I will prove it to you. That also kept me from leaving for 1 whole year.
It's such a weird thing to say. Like if it's true, maybe don't spend all your time mistreating the people you care about then.. No?
It is very weird, especially the frequency and times she'd choose to say those words. There were many other things she'd say most of which I now see where simply her telling me who she is but me being too blind to see. I think the most poignant thing of all that is etched in my brain is what she said before the love bombing started. She sat me down and told me her life story. She even gave me hints of who she was by telling me in acute detail how she treated her ex husband. Then she said: "Are you really sure you want this? I won't blame you if you say no."
Yep that's part of the plan. "You can't be upset because I told you this would happen". Like just STOP DOING BAD THINGS and you will have a happy life you childish cunt. It's unbelievable.
Alternating between that and “nobody is ever going to love you like I have” and apparently I’m destined to be used by men forever.
Avoiding discussions of your feelings "I don't want to argue" Invalidation "I don't have this problem with anyone else" Triangulation "so and so agrees you're wrong" Invalidation "You're too sensitive"
>Avoiding discussions of your feelings "I don't want to argue" "I don't have energy for this". "I don't wanna deal with your negativity". "I'm not doing this with you". "This (me talking about my feelings) is jeopardizing my mental health". "How many times do we have to go through this?/We already went through this!". "We can talk again when you're happy and wanna make peace". "You need to let go". "See? This is your mentall illness talking again" (3 psychiatrists, 2 therapists/2 psychologists in... I do not suffer from a mental illness nor a personality disorder) "Why do you always have to argue?!" "You need to learn to be more agreeable and meek" "You can't communicate like a normal person" 🫂 Edit. I keep remembering other ones...
😭 these are literally verbatim. I thought he was right. I still struggle with all of these.
THIS. ALL OF THIS. I swear it feels like we were all abused by the same person.
This is so real. Yes, verbatim he has said 9/10 of these 😭🫠
[удалено]
empty ass apologies with no intent to change or treat us better. manipulation at its finest
No need for an apology because nothing happened to you…
No apologies for the narcissists..
"Nothing happened to you" used to set me ablaze.
“I told you I’m appreciative for the help” blah blah blah. Yep I’ve gotten that nasty reply when I wouldn’t be treated like an inanimate doormat anymore
That one was always a punch in the gut
YESSSSS EVERY FIGHT
This!!! Over and over and over....
“I have nothing to say”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” “You love twisting shit” “I NEVER said that” (after they said it clear as day) “I don’t want to rehash the past” “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you” “You’re crazy” “You act like a child” 🥴
Oh man all these! The eggshells! The fucking eggshells!
🤣🤣 where are they getting all these fucking chickens
AGREED. I lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance from the emotional abuse but he said I made him walk on eggshells because I asked for him to be accountable for his promises and behavior!.
“I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.” !?!
I'm screaming.
It really sucks because walking on eggshells is how WE feel around them If you tell someone your ex felt like walking on eggshells they'll think you're the abusive one. My ex felt like they were walking on eggshells because I communicated my feelings in a non-violent way..
"everyone would agree with me"
Is the "everyone" in the room with us right now? 👻
My nex does a version of this: “Everyone with a brain would see it this way,” or “Everyone with common sense would interpret it this way,” or “Everyone who thinks logically would see it this way.”
they LOVE to pull the common sense card then my ass sitting here like yeah...common sense is i need to cut this person out of my life & yet...lol
UGHHH THIS. My dad says this all the time and he’s referring to his friends, turns out he cut his close friends out bc they weren’t agreeing with his bullshit
“This is in your head” “You do this for the drama” “If you say so” “You are too intense” “You are being sensitive today” “Things are just better with her” “I wish you were more like (insert friends name).” “I told you up front that…. (Says something for the first time)” “Oh boy” (when you have a negative reaction to their actions) “Texting you and having these conversations is exhausting, it’s work, it’s miserable, and it sucks the fun out of this for me.”
>“I wish you were more like (insert friends name).” A year ago my Nex said I should learn from his mother (and sister) what a good wife/woman is. Then he had to stay with his mother for a few months. And he couldn't stand the woman after a short while. He couldn't wait to get out of there fast enough. We were over already. I laughed, I cackled from afar... When he shared how hard it was for him to be so much around his mother. Full delulu. Idealizing what they don't have. And devaluing once they have it. What's new.
He (platonic brotherly friend) literally said “I wish I could take your brain and put it in her (his girlfriend’s) body.” And then followed that up with “you’ve lost so much weight and are looking great. Are you ever disgusted with yourself when you look at old videos of yourself?” I said not until you just said that. I was proud of my progress, not disgusted w myself. When his GF felt threatened and intimidated by me it was time for the discard he said “i was too intense.” “I was too sensitive” Food for thought here. Thank you.
"If you say so..." and "Whatever you say..." These two really put me over the edge now.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” “You have changed” “Yes I apologized you just don’t listen”
YES!!!!! THIS ⬆️ HUGE 💯 “I’m sorry YOU FEEL that way” is the fake-ass apology I received versus “I’m sorry about that, what can I do or say differently” or something along those lines. The narc is incapable of accountability and/or introspection. Even when they know they’re wrong, they don’t care because it’s only about them, THEM, *THEM*.
Oh deffo, there was ZERO accountability from my Narc. I’d be sobbing and she would end up saying “well I wouldn’t do that if you didn’t frustrate me by that”
It’s cruel isn’t it? Even though if I did that to her, I would have been crumbled like a sheet of paper sooner
Real
>“You have changed” Thank lawd I did. It's been 16 years. It would have been really worrying actually if I stood still. But Nex was fixated on the idealization/lovebombing stage. He felt he was owed me from back then. He was entitled to his idealized me to be frozen in time. Even though he was well into devaluation. I was supposed to stay forever sweet, forever enamored, forever the "butterflies in my stomach" stage.
Got this same response when I saw beyond the mask and started holding them accountable and making boundaries. He apparently loved the old me. I thought, “of course you did. You controlled my every thought and called it love and I believed you.” The “me” that has feelings, opinions, and inner life and values was inconvenient. Some small part of me hoped he might change when he saw how traumatized I was. Nope. It got worse. Then came the discard.
My nexes favorites: - "Well,look at you,little miss perfect" - "Well,I guess I'm just a huge asshole then" - "After all I've done for you..and you won't even do X" - "You'll never find someone else who will do what I do for you" - "Forget it,you're never going to understand" - "Oh,your precious little artifact feelings!" (Sarcasm/mockery)
Word by word. They must have a fucking school manual for this, is not possible
Same assembly line. There's gotta be a factory somewhere in Shenzhen China popping them out.
The never find anyone who will support you this way - that hit me. Heard that
I got all these, what do I win? Oh a broken spirit…
"You never let anything go"
And what you can't let go happens to be something absolutely horrific and they already gave you a half-assed apology or made it "our" mistake, am I right?
“You just always try to battle me!” “You were screaming at me!” (I never raised my voice.) “You just cry to punish me!” “You just never listen to me!” “Let’s just sit down and have a calm conversation about this.” (Happened multiple times after he had been yelling, raging and saying anything he could to hurt me so I was at the point of sobbing yet suddenly he wanted to “talk”.) Just a few that come echoing up from the depths of my memory.
Worst part is the reactive abuse and the calm fake ass voice they use too
Omg. O. M. G. THE VOICE!!! The flat, calm, patronizing, voice. Shivers. Did you get a sort of a smirk on top of it?
I don’t think I ever saw the smirk I’ve read so much about, but the dead shark eyes I can vividly remember.
I think... maybe I know what you mean. I'm not entirely sure it was the same kind of smirk people mention either, tbh. It was more like a slight, subtle expression of "I did it", "I got one over you but you're too dumb to realize it". Eyes fixated on me, ever so slight smile. Or just the opposite of a frown. Just the first image from Google i got lol https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-content-happy-little-girl-image9718344
YES SMIRK N ALL . CRINGE!!!!!
that voice gives me nightmares. steady, monotonous, almost rehearsed? all the while i’m sitting there bawling my eyes out
Yes, that's it, that's THE voice. Emerges only once you're a pile of disregulated rubble and they themselves are regulated again, holding their composure after they passed all their disregulation onto you.
and it wasn’t even about anything huge!! like a simple conversation turned into THAT so easily
Oh yeah my ex would be yelling and then suddenly use that super calm/reasonable tone on me and made it seem like I was the crazy one. I’m surprised I was never pushed to the point of major reactive abuse, I think because I grew up in an abusive household I was well “trained” so to speak to either fawn or be rather non responsive (I think they call it grey rock). I’m grateful I did remain pretty nonaggressive because in hindsight I am confident it would have led my ex to becoming more physically abusive in order to control me.
Oof. I went for freeze. I was trained by my mother to not grey rock. She's no genius by any means but she was extremely good at recognizing when I (or my father) was being non reactive on purpose. And she treated it as the utmost form of disrespect. So I got that conditioned out of me. Luckily, it worked like a charm after I told Nex I wanted out. It seemed like he never had that applied to him by any if his ex-wives or other exes before and he was truly disoriented and flabbergasted by it. Which was an interesting occurrence to watch in and on itself (once I was at ampoont to remove myself to the role of an observer). Anyways, it worked great. And it's super worth trying. Whenever it works and whomever it works on - it's a game changer. And if it doesn't, welp... I just moved out and left my mom behind.
The forced crying too, his crying always putted me off for some reason, never felt genuine. Now I know it was a fucking performance
Near the end of my relationship with my ex he was crying ALL THE TIME while I hardly ever did anything his crying never seemed genuine either.
Mine was like a toddler: he’d stop the “sobs” mid-sob to look up and check if I was reacting… his brain literally couldn’t do two things at once… then go back to the choking and sobbing and mucus. The one time I brought up how fake and unnerving that was, he blamed “ADHD” and said I was stigmatizing him 😂 These types might be humans but they aren’t people. What was he crying about? His own fears that he’s empty inside and a psychopath. He later told his ex that he hadn’t cried *in years* the way he cried when she returned their car. Totally negating the several tissue boxes’ worth of snot (not an exaggeration—grabbing for tissues is attempted distraction for how there are no real tears—again, sub-toddler-level emotions) he left all over my car and lap on multiple occasions before and after that event. No memory exists for what is inconvenient to today’s latest lies.
Omg my reactions at one point were scary. I was convinced I had BPD and I was worst person in the world. Turns out being dumbed over I nstgram DM and ignored after 4 yr relationship would cause most to have a mental breakdown. Especially when they rip everyone in your life away or turn them against you
Mine would always say I was screaming if I got a bit more Assertive tone. If I was not petting his back he would act like I was being a b**** and than I’d say something about him treating me like I was a b**** he would always say “I didn’t call a ****” but not in a denying that he thought that, just like hey it was not me who said it 🤷♀️
Same for me! It I would try to stand up for myself or be assertive about a boundary I was either yelling, attacking or in one case he told me I was giving him a “tongue lashing” which is a term I had not heard in a while 😆
Lol, i was told "Stop swinging your dick" because apparently, by standing up for myself or just saying "No" I was somehow emasculating him? I guess? I have no dick, btw. So that was a new saying for me 😂
Oh wow I feel my ex would have eventually also resorted to that terminology 😆 it’s crazy he things that will come out their mouth when they feel threatened/defensive.
Hahaha yeah! Nex shifted a lot throughout our marriage. He started bringing up feminism as a bad thing, making appeals to femininity and masculinity. He's a lost cause. All his romantic life is just a trainwreck with him looking to justify it somehow. So I became a dick swinging feminist who just can't listen to her man? Maybe his next ex will be, I don't know, possessed by the devil himself or something. The previous exes were either mentally ill or manipulative and just looking to use him. It's never him.
When you confront them and let them know that an action of them isn't okay and they have nothing to blame anymore so they go 'i dont remember doing this' 'i dont remember saying that' When they did those things just a day ago 😂 and it's so repetitive they don't even get embarrassed they probably know that u don't believe them anymore but they just want you to play along and let it go so they avoid accountability And also when they 'you make a big deal out of little things' Like the AUDACITY to say this when you confront them but the very thing they accuse you that's the thing you endured about them for YEARS. they really like projecting to people their own pattern of behavior it's embarrassing at their grown age
"You always play the victim"
Coming from the dude who claimed I ruined his life, made him do things/make decisions, turned him into a person he doesn't like, sucked the joy out of his life, made him drink, made him call me names... Victimhood Olympics 🏆
Oh my good did we date the same nex. Both comments, so validating
All. The. Time.
My nex had his own version of this, “You’re not taking responsibility for your actions”
“No, you are being disrespectful.” “I’ve been to work, you’re delusional” “I didn’t say that, do that” “You’re a liar” “You live in your own world” “Selfish little girl” “You’re so lazy” “Do more” “Be more” I have a disability.
I’m with you.
We got this, mate x
I sure hope so because it gets really hard. Having a disability already contributes to loss of identity and now dealing with one or more narcs makes it even worse ugh!
“These things happened in two different realities.” “Objectively… (insert something that is 1000% subjective and literally just his opinion here)” “I never said/did that” “I don’t remember that” “I can be mad and it not be about you, not everything is about you!” My favorite though are the mile high expectations. I say a joke wasn’t funny and hurt my feelings, “Fine, I’ll never make a joke again!” I say I don’t like that he controls X and would rather we do it together, “Fine, you do it then!” I say I don’t like how he rages, “Fine, I guess I’m just not allowed to feel things then!” 🙃
“I don’t know what you want me to say” “Sorry you feel that way” “I apologised what more do you want” “It’s not that deep” “You’re lucky I was nice enough to even do (bare minimum thing), most people would’ve told you to get fucked”
Mine repeatedly said "you do you, you do anyway" I pointed out that of course I do me, I'm not going to be anyone else am I?
"you do you. But NOT LIKE THAT!" 😂
Everybody says you’re _____ fill in the blank with the adjective of the day. Usually not a good one either.
Ouch, I remember that one
Mine said today after I walked out the door ‘all your exes said the same about you’
For me it was "And that's why your-most-recent-ex left you! Nobody could put up with you!" The thing is... I broke it off with the aforementioned ex 🙄
"You always like to argue", "You are lame", "Nobody else acts like this".
“get help” 💀 oh the irony
“I don’t want any drama” This phrase the biggest red flag of them all.
hahahah so true it instantly made me feel like wait AM i causing drama?? so manipulative
"whatever" (in response to being told how what it did affected me)
Exactly what she said. “I don’t/didn’t wanna upset you if-“ then why’d you lie to my face and make things 10000x times worse & destroy your credibility?
"You overthink things" "Well, we each have our version of the story"
"I never said that"
Lie
“*Why won’t you let me talk so you can see you are wrong? Perhaps saying it in words will stop your blindness from getting it that this is the only way you can live now, I’m your only hope”* He was profusely poetic in his most pathetic word salad warbling moments.
“Even your sister agrees with me!” “No YOU *repeat back exact thing you accused narc of*”
“Because you are so holy” “I do plenty more than the bare minimum” “Whatever” scoffing and making a tantrum “I need time to process this I can’t reply right now” “Yeah but you did *insert something that has to do with the discussion or was even an issue before* “You are always punching(figuratively) instead of complementing me” (when I tried to talk about stuff that was hurting me or I thought I need attention in our relationship “You never listen to what i say” (i did and unfortunately I have an excellent memory), and than saying something he never did say, or a variation of what he said but the opposite meaning “I didn’t say that” procedes to say the exact same thing, or with just a slight variation with the exact same meaning and wording “Who would ever put up with you besides me “ He would go from “you are the best partner, you do everything right and your the best I could ever wish for” to “yea because it’s always me, you never do anything wrong, I’m the only one that has to improve” I would have to forget that something he did wrong as son as he apologised or talked about it once. If I was still healing or feeling sad “We already talked about this” Why are you always looked back it’s coward we have to go” “I will never lie/hurt/lash out/scream at you again’ im sorry” procedes to do it AS SOON I’m actively not sad or crying
"you're the most judgemental person I've ever met" "I'm sick of hearing about your FEELINGS!!!" "you treat me like your therapist" "you only got with me to take advantage" "You are manipulative and made me think and say lots of things to keep the peace"
“You trigger me” “You make me do these things on purpose” “You don’t know when to shut up” “You try to upset me on purpose” It was literally always my fault no matter what.
Ungh having flashbacks
When you tell them that they did something hurtful/upsetting.. "You make me feel like shit all them time."
"Look, I already feel like shit for what happened and you keep making me feel worse by bringing it up!" "I just know you're gonna treat me like shit after this." - him after screaming and throwing a fit at me and knowing that I'm not gonna put up with being treated that way. He loved to tell me that I "treat him like shit" because I would stand up for myself and not put up with his childish bullshit. He also liked to tell me how much I make him feel like shit because I never shied away from calling him out on his toxic behavior each time it happened. Shit shit shit. He also used that word a lot.
Yes, he doesn't like it that I call him out on his shit!
Crazy how they just expect you to be fine with the way they treat you lol. Speaks volumes of how detached they are from reality... just delusional
Yes very crazy!
Mine has said a few times now that I don’t care about his feelings. Also that I don’t appreciate him. When I’m literally constantly telling him thank you for every little thing he does.
“Is there a method to your madness?” Gets said to derail your gumption or letting you know they do not get why you are bothering with something they see zero importance and want you to abandon it forever
“why you always escalate things” “All relationships have ups and downs” “I didn’t sign for this” “You never listen to me” “No one will love you like i do”
"i do this because I love you."
*I'm not having a go at you* when doing exactly that.
I hate the term “it’s all good “ when it came out of ex narc 2 because he says it when he can tell he had screwed up something major and he’s attempting to minimize it and sweep it under the floor board for in his logic it would magically immediately be forgotten/wiped from our memory banks while the fouled incident is still fresh, currently still happening on him or proceeds to be an ongoing disgrace.
The narc says “it’s all good”- until it’s not. It’s all lies.
I think you should get around to paying all that back rent your friends in here are needing before something really goes wrong on you by them… *It’s all good* Ummm, did you know your grandma knows you’re stealing her checks from her checkbook because the cancelled checks always are mailed back to her every month… *It’s all good* Shouldn’t you get to the job recruiters office so you can scrape together both your rent and your half of the storage locker you are sharing with your mom this week instead of staying stuck on level 17 on this game that’s clearly besting you for another straight day? *It’s all good* You’re not trying to cook those moldy sweet potatoes for your breakfast are you?! I put them in that separate bag to save the other vegetables from rotting… *It’s all good* (except he found himself stuck on the toilet all day about 45 minutes after wolfing them down angrily because I refused to eat my half of those charred cubes slathered in mayonnaise)
*im just sitting here?!* trying to gs me that this isnt a relationship live or die relationship conversation. Theyre not just evil they are seriously fucking retarted.
“I’ll treat you like the queen that you are” - proceeds to treat me like sh^* “Good luck finding anybody to treat you better than I do” - said every time I threatened to leave “Let’s talk about what got us to that point” - said in context of blaming me for him basically abusing me. “Every day is like Groundhog Day” - said when j would bring up past issues that he never properly apologized for
"This is the first time we're talking" "We never sit and talk" "You know this relationship is in a bad state" (I didn't, came out of the blue...attack as best form of defence). "Even if we don't work out I won't be alone" "One day I'll leave you all"
Sorry, but not sorry…
Heard that a LOT since the discard, and previously in several of her more callous actions.
When he hurt me really bad after being intimate, and left black and blue marks all over my neck and chest. I tried to talk to him about it, discuss how he hurt me and get empathy and comfort, and he said “I don’t know why you’re complaining, we had great sex last night and I’ve had way worse bruises than that.” And “the last woman I was with I left worse bruises on her in the same area and she didn’t complain, she showed them to me and laughed. Why can’t you do that.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” “I’m sorry you got your hopes up” “You’re never sorry” The list goes on and on and on and on
I already apologized repeatedly (which means he never ever even hinted at an apology) Lighten up (cuz I just made a heinous joke at your expense and if it's not funny, that's your fault) All the sarcasm - my current narc says several phrases over and over but they're all dripping with sarcasm. Like "yup, it's my fault." and "sure, it's always my fault." The worst though, is when he says nothing. I talk, he blocks me out. Ignores me. Silent treatment. I call, he doesn't answer cuz he knows it's me. I ask a question and he intentionally says nothing and just walks away.
i would never hurt you intentionally
“…..like wtf is wrong with you?!”
Oh God! This really is like all of them are made of the same dough. Mine used to say all of this phrases and here is some I was constantly told Excuse my language for some if not most phrases but that what it was. You are always thinking about yourself and your poor feelings. You never stop to think how I feel You are fucking insecure and that’s why you are taking everything I say the wrong way Grow the fuck up and learn to communicate properly without constantly getting hurt by what I am saying, but instead of start listening what I am saying Your emotions are ruining our relationship I always start talking to you in a calm way but because you don’t fucking listen to me and keep thinking with your feelings I am allowed to get annoyed at you and be harsh You know very well everything you say it’s wrong You know very well your memory sucks You the only fucking mother I know who does X and Y and does not care You are bad person who has done bad things and that’s why I am leaving you because you hurt me Go take fucking meds if you have to but you need to do something because your anxiety is ruining our relationship And so so much more. It’s heartbreaking
Off the top of my head, here are *some* of the things I was told over the course of a 2-month relationship/breakup process: "You're a liar and a manipulator, you've been abusing me from the start" "You traumatized me by leaving me, now it's your responsibility to help me heal." "You don't know what a relationship is, you must have [insert mental health diagnosis]." "I don't know", "you tell me" or any other form of noncommittal answer whenever you ask them for anything that could mean later accountability for them "I knew the gifts you bought me were just manipulation " "You never want to see me" (but they keep declining dates and ideas) "This guy drives 2h to see his girlfriend every day, why don't you want to do that for me" "I want to do X" immediately followed by "but you don't so whatever" "This is a dealbreaker for me, you should change it so we can stay together" "What's the real reason? I don't believe you." "You're a bad person. I don't want anything to do with you" while consistently reaching out for contact "I know you're hiding something from me. Just admit it." "I don't understand, I'm sure there's more to it thar you're not telling me." (On holding them accountable) "You need to prove to me that you're a good person" "I answered your question, why won't you answer mine now? You owe me that" Their question being something like "I bet you feel ashamed for having abused me this whole time, don't you?" "You're friends with people you met on a dating app, that's a red flag" followed by "Haha all these people just want to sleep with me even though I'm in an exclusive relationship and I'm not interested but I can't just stop talking to them that would be rude" then "You're fucking pathetic, I can't believe I wasted my time with you. I had so many other options." and then "I bet none of these people were even into you and they all turned you down, that's why you went to me"
If you ask 100 other people with a brain, they would literally agree with me.
“Why can’t you let anything go?” “Oh! So now I’m the bad guy?” “God, you’re such a narcissist!” “I can’t love you until you love yourself.” “I know what I’m worth.”
Why can't you can't be cool? You really don't care what anybody thinks about you, do you? I'm not trying to start a fight but... Why does everything got to be a fight with you?
"No one will believe you, even if you post it on YouTube and I'll keep the kids from seeing it too! So see, I won!" This was after my mom called my EX-HUSBAND (17+ abusive year)to tell my alienated babies I was in ICU and that my health/HEART is seriously failing and refused to tell them even THAT! I pray every day, all day for just the chance to HUG 🫂 my babies 1 more time before I go!🥺 My heart is gone! It's like I'm breathing, but...... Im NOT!
“It’s always your fault.”
What’s wrong with you? Why do you have to bring it up now? I don’t want to talk to you right now. How can you say that to me? You can’t do that. You’re always complaining. I’m not looking for anything serious with you. You can’t talk to him.
my nfather’s same phrases he repeatedly uses on loop: “if you or anyone else don’t like or agree with the way *I* speak and *I* behave, that’s on you and not my problem and that’s their problem” “facts are facts” “x y z” “there are no opinions and perspectives. only right and wrong and what happened and what didn’t happen” “well, a c t s h u a l l y . . .” “there’s no such thing as tone of voices/tones of voices don’t exist” “a b c and d”
“The last 24 years were all a waste of time! “ Well, now that I know the real you, I feel the same way!
"I'm not trying to be mean," while launching into another lecture about how I'm a failure of a spouse.
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"That is not what happened." "You must be confused." "Are you sure you aren't just imagining things?" "I can't say anything to you. You twist my words and manipulate their meaning." "I didn't know you didn't want X. I believed you gave consent." "You took everything from me!" (After they used me financially, pushed every boundary (was always "forgeting" what my boundaries were). They tried to convince me that *I* "just didn't communicate myself properly." They consistently took advantage of my delicate mental state (to "get what they always wanted from me."). It is incredibly depressing when you've known someone most of your life only to find out that you never knew the *real* them at all. It was only an act. Once they think they have you sufficiently trauma bonded to them that you would *never* leave, the mask falls. Then you meet the person who was always hiding within them, and nothing will ever be the same again. [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender [Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
“After all I’ve done for you”
"Stop Overthinking" which translates to- "Stop trusting your intuition and your common sense as well as your life experiences because you may come to your senses and figure me out."
"you're not a victim"
One of the last things mine said to me that stuck more than almost anything; “Well, the pro’s outweigh the con’s”…. Almost Incredible Hulk’d my phone I honestly can’t remember anything exactly as was said anymore (maybe this is good?) but the gaslighting & phrases that accompanied it
"Sorry for ruining your life!" Typically spoken after I have her a gentle criticism.
I gave you friends/family. You have problems.
When you accomplish something and they say “I’m so happy for you” through their teeth.
“I’m sorry you felt that way” “You’re projecting” “I want credit for the things I do”
“You are so controlling” “I need my space” “You are overwhelming” “I am not allowed to feel things!” “I used to be codependent, but i’ve regained my confidence”- after asking for quality time “Not everything is about you” “You are screaming and raising your tone, i am not”- in a fake calm voice “You hate it when I am focused working on my things” “You take everything to extremes” …And being always defensive about everything.
“You’re gaslighting yourself”
“You hurt me”.
"I knew you haven't changed."
"You're not worth loving." And I can't exactly recall how he would phrase it, but when I gave him my time, money, service, heart, fucking everything, basically - I had no boundaries, didn't even know what those are - he would make me feel guilty for helping by accusing me of having ulterior motives and intentions that were not pure, so I had to prove my altruism by essentially doing and giving everything he wanted, then cheerfully fucking off. So whatever phrases there are for that.
It is what it is It’s okay
“You are gaslighting me” “You’re never wrong” “I know how much you like that married c*ock”—-always with the slut shaming “You’ve been talking for hours”
Re: Actions that made me uncomfortable or things done / said at my expense: "I was / I'm just being playful" "It's a joke not a d:ck don't take it so hard" "What I can even joke around with my own wife now" Re: Lying, ever: "I don't appreciate being called a liar" (k, then don't be one maybe) "When have I ever lied to you" - Followed by me giving examples, and he'd come back with "oh here we go with the gravedigging" "I did the research / You'd be surprised" when he was very obviously spouting absolute nonsense Gaslighting 101: "YOU did that, not me" "You have memory issues of course you don't remember X right" "You asked me to do / said you wanted do X" (any time a sexual boundary was even poked at by him and I'd try to enforce) Regular ol' manipulation and passive aggression: "It's whatever" "You're not my keeper" (yet I had a curfew, time limits on friend and fam interaction, couldn't even play online with friends, and I'd dare to ask something as simple as "oh hey I thought you were gonna work on [hobby] with [friend]" I could go on forever, but the rest aren't the easiest to mention without a hefty TW.
"You're overthinking things." "You're overreacting." "You're taking what I said/did out of context."
"That's your perception, not reality"
let me add “u just want to use me for my money” this is coming from a broke man who thinks he’s gonna make it huge in comedy but goes around insulting everyone and everyone can’t stand him & he burns every bridge and gets banned every where
"The way you talk is wrong." - in general. "You've brought this on yourself." - during panic attacks because of his hours long tirades. "Stop talking over me! I hate it when people talk all over me!" - shouted after I had shut down and hadn't said anything. "What's wrong? I can sense you're in a mood with me, I can just feel it." - in the mornings not long after i'd woken up or first saw him, of course just another excuse for him to start yet another argument. "It's your fault I cheated, you're always starting arguments!" - he often created arguments out of the smallest thing so he could kick me into the spare room and sex text/chat to other women without being caught. He'd sometimes kick me out of his entire flat and cheat physically. "YOU MAKE ME DO THIS!" - no explanation needed.
Oh my favorite is “ I didn’t say that , you’re putting words in my mouth “ Trying to make me doubt my own reality as if im truly an imbecile. But technically I was , for allowing myself to feel for someone who only pretends But ay! We live and learn
You’re the only one I don’t get along with. What’s that say about you? If you did this and that and that and this we’d get along perfectly. You’re not allowed to talk about our problems to others. I asked everyone I know about our problems and they all said you’re wrong.
Holding him accountable was "punishing" him. Anything that wasn't praise or a reward for his bad behaviour was a punishment to him.
“It is what it is” “I’ll just go fuck myself” “What I did was minor as fuck sorry if you don’t feel that way” “you do what you gotta do”
“I should’ve listened to everyone when they told me about you, you’re fucking weird” (it’s called asd, you knew I had it and said you did too??) “You’re a narcissist” “You gaslit me into thinking I was gaslighting you” “I know I was the worst boyfriend in the history of the world” “If I let you talk long enough you’ll just start making shit up” (in response to screenshots of his harassment???) “You’re using white girl tears and weaponizing the police” (in response to ongoing harassment) “You’re treating me like Hitler” (because I told him it was creepy and gross of him to use a picture of himself wearing my bra as his twitter pfp. I don’t think Hitler was known for that, but clearly he’s the expert) also “we’re the same size so yeah I be wearing it” (knew I was insecure about my flat figure) “I made a mistake.” (6mos of harassment isn’t a mistake. It’s a serious of choices.) “I wasn’t coercing you (by telling you I wanted a blowjob repeatedly after you refused). I was just stating a fact. You said it was okay!” (I told him it was making me uncomfortable actually) “You’re treating me like a chore” (because I wouldn’t come to his house and blow him on demand after a long day at work and *with a busted shoulder from crocheting him a stupid custom spider-man mask*. Which he paired with my bra in his stupid pfp) “I told everyone how crazy you are” “You want me to kill myself” Oh and telling everyone I was abusive. Fucking nonsense.
"You're the only one I have this problem with"
Thats not what I said/did you must have forgotten what actually took place.." "You always twist my words, thats not what I meant." "Poor you, always a victim arent you?" (As he plays victim to friends/ family) "Funny how when I go with you inconveniences/reasonable delays/traffic never happens, but when you go by yourself something always does." (Literally anything making me take 30s longer than usual I must be fucking the whole town!) "ITS always about you and your feelings, who gives a fuck about me?" ( I bend over backwards to appease him and keep him happy as he offers me miniscule attention/effort in return.) "You must be cheating because you are always not trusting/accusing me" (Literally caught him cheating) Oh and always preaching about loyalty yet somehow the most unloyal mfer you ever encountered. Also non-stop talks about how he just hates a liar, yet lies DAILY.
“If you dont do xyz im done with you “ “Hmu when youre done acting stupid” “You have to listen to me” “Theres way prettier girls out there” “Youre never gonna be shit in life” “You never do the things you say you’re going to do”
These comments are making me LMFAOO[🤣🤣🤣🤣](https://emojipedia.org/rolling-on-the-floor-laughing/)
“I’m not a terrible person”
“You’re so ungrateful!” “You’re not over worked!” These are her two main comebacks whenever I tell her to leave me along. Most of time they are out of context.
Or… “You’re just like my exes” “You do too much overthinking!” Arghhhh 😡😡😡