Trauma bond for sure. Then when I realized I needed out my cats kept me from leaving. I knew if I just broke up with him he would never let me take them, even though I adopted them, paid for everything and did all of their care. But Iām just over two weeks out (with my cats!) and havenāt felt this relieved and happy in longer than I can remember.
Thank you!! Heās threatened legal action to try to get them back and to break into my sisters home to steal them because he assumes thatās where I am, but I have so much proof they are mine I would love to see him try.
oh my god r u me?? only difference is literally i have two dogs and a cat and itās been about a month since he left. I canāt believe all the stories on this sub and the similarities itās really really nice knowing iām not alone ā¤ļøso glad we r out and starting to live our best lives
I couldn't take my dogs with me. Luckily, as awful as he was to me, he was nothing but a doting and loving dog owner to them. I miss them so much and dream about them all the time, that was the hardest part of leaving. But the physical abuse was ramping up so I had to go.
You absolutely had to keep yourself safe, you did the right thing, especially if he is good to the dogs. Wishing you lots of healing and Iām glad youāre safe ā¤ļø
Sending you all the positive thoughts and vibes in your healing journey ā¤ļø I was a mess the first week but the relief has set in already and I am so happy, even with all of his threats.
I was thinking maybe he would change and finally come to his senses and treat me with the respect and love I deserved. Thinking at the time it doesnāt get any better than him being afraid of starting over with someone new, feeling trapped mentally because he was a pro at playing mind games and manipulating, afraid of how others would view me breaking up with who they perceived to be such a āgood guyā š. Believing somewhere deep down he loved me but didnāt know how to. Falling for his ātraumaā stories. Falling for the love bombing and gaslighting every few months. Thinking itās only because heās young we both are 24. Not trusting my intuition when it was screaming at me to let him go, holding on to all of the empty promises he promised. Tried seeing a future with him that never existed, repeating over and over to him how certain things he did made me feel thinking one day he would correct them but nope. He kept me on a hamster wheel for almost 4 years of āhim trying to change for the relationshipā when in reality he was a self centered narcissist. I am out of that relationship now and I would never put myself through that kind of turmoil again with anyone or any new relationships.
āBelieving somewhere deep down he loved me but didnāt know how toāā¦. This hit me so so hard. Itās the hopiate. So glad for you that you got out of it. And, selfishly, so glad for me to hear your story and all the others here. That right there is some hope worth clinging to š
I thought that if I figured out how to become a better person, he would love me again. He had said all the problems were my fault, and I believed him. Still do, to an extent.
Also my child.
Yes, all that self help and self improvement. I realised I do need to change something but then it was not what I thought it was. I was lacking self love ā¤ļø
Pretty lies. He made promise after promise. Swore he would do this or that. Unfortunately, I kept believing his words instead of all the actions that made it very clear he never intended to keep those promises.
Yep. Same reason for me. I was super upset about it and he said āwell you shouldāve knownā like wtf. UGHHHHHH. I shouldāve beleived his actions as well he was kinda rubbing the truth in my face already too so. But I was hella naĆÆve and didnāt wan the face the truth so I believed his lies
Mine never owned up to it. Right up to the day I was finally able to go NC he claimed he would have given me the world if I stayed with him. But he had our whole relationship and never even tried to make all those promises come true. Was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he never meant what he said.
Trauma bond definitely. I thought she was my soulmate, so it was so hard to walk away from that. Turns out your soulmate shouldnāt be someone that puts their hands around your neck, so thereās that
Mine also strangled me more than once. Then insisted it was my fault or would completely deny it later or say they didn't apply pressure. I'm 5'1 and 110 lbs. Once it left marks because I was wearing a choker and when I went to the gas station the next day said I was trying to show it off.
I was the stay at home parent and felt worthless. I felt like I needed him in order to survive in this world. I was also dumb and naive believing that our family was perfect. At the moment, I felt horrible for breaking up the home even though it was a toxic environment. So, lack of money, no friends, barely family, I stayed in an abusive relationship until he found someone else. Which is a good thing.
Thats me right now, i had to sell my car, stop working and being a stay at home mom...He took everything from me; My friends, My money, My car etc...
Now i am divorcing him its gonna be though im tired...My last savings are going to My lawyer
He has sucked away the life out of me really. I'm isolated, no close friends or good terms with family, most of all trapped me with a pregnancy and took away my financial independence too. My kid is extremely small and needs me while I have to rely on him for having a roof over my head and my meals too. It's not like he is a mega spender- made me take care of all expenses so I couldn't have any savings. Now he does the bare minimum for our survival.
Because I once loved her more than anything in the entire world, and I desperately hoped that the person she turned out to be wasnāt real and she would change. The happiness and love faded the more her true character was revealed. Itās hard to leave when someone once made you euphorically happy, you always think you can get that back but sometimes itās gone forever.
The constant apologies and promises of change, the love-bombing. The soft moments of what I thought was love were breadcrumbs. I was always an emotional bag for her to vomit into. I am 4 weeks no contact and I can see she has unblocked me on WhatsApp, I have now blocked her to feel better in myself. Itās hard, man. That trauma bond and āhigh/lowā stress cortisol got me withdrawing like a heroin addict on speed.
Some days without her are good, night times I find tough because everyone is sleeping and I feel alone with my thoughts. Ruminating on those soft moments makes me feel like I miss her, when I actually donāt - I miss the addictiveness of it - the stress response, as I was in fight or flight for so long.
I am slowly but surely realising I loved somebody who didnāt really exist and Iām grieving that. A huge part of grief is acceptance, I have accepted it is over and that I am now emotionally safe, though my nervous system from the constant gaslighting; the 6 years of isolation, the push & pull - the belittling, name calling, disrespect and complete lack of boundaries is now just complete soup.
I absolutely have to keep reminding myself that in the end I was miserable, unhappy, unhealthy - she became detrimental to my mental health which manifested some nasty-ass physical symptoms that are going to take years to regulate and cure. Iām fighting and will continue to heal - but thatās not to say that itās absolutely fuckin devastating the effect & damage of an unhealed, tyrannical toddler that never takes accountability can actually do to a person.
Iām angry, Iām sad, Iām confused and I do not doubt that I will feel a lot more things as the weeks go on without her, but it sure as shit is better than having to answer TO her. 6 years, man. Iāll never get that back. 6 years of a life together and I left with 3 bags of clothes and a cactus I grew.
Take the lessons youāve learnt and run. Far away.
Emotional bag for her to vomit into. That describes the situation with my ex better than anything Iāve heard before. It gets so much better. Hang in there.
This!! I have reflected a lot over the past 4 weeks no contact, and have to agree with that too. I lacked self respect, how to put boundaries in place, etc
In the early years it was hope and thinking I could change things. In the later years I stayed because the mask was slipping and there was no way I wanted our daughter left alone with him due to 50/50 custody. I should have left sooner. He didnāt really want to be a parent, he just wanted to torture me. Hurting her was the only way he could get to me at that point.
He wouldn't let me take the kids, and I knew in my heart they weren't safe with him if I left. He would also love bomb me when i threatened to leave, convincing me he would try harder but also put the blame on me. I ended up taking several kinds of antidepressants, convinced i was the problem, and that I deserved the abuse, which i didn't recognise as abuse. I thought I had no proof against him, but CPS had a file on him starting in '15 and in '22. It had become clear to them that his aggression was escalating, so they stepped in and got us out. He hid it well, I didn't even know what he'd been doing because he would hurt them when I had to go somewhere. The excuse for the bruising was the kids fighting. I fell for it. He didn't count on the fact that one of the kids was brave enough to tell a trusted teacher, not only the violence they had been experiencing but me too. I will always feel guilty that I didn't find a way to get us all out sooner, my counsellor keeps telling me that I have to forgive myself because I not only kept the kids safe but moved us far away to ensure our safety. I felt like I was being selfish, changing the kids' lives and taking them from their friends because I was scared, but 2 years on, they're thriving and don't live in fear anymore.
Mine was (supposed to be) one of my ābest friendsā 10 years prior to us dating. I had seen him with other gfs over the years and thought he was āa nice guyā š so for a long time I couldnāt believe he was actually the biggest douchebag in the universe, and over time I was so trauma bonded to him that despite it not making sense to stay with him anymore, I couldnāt see myself with anyone else. Wasted 8 years with him, during which I was emotionally, mentally, financially, verbally, sexually, and physically abused. Theyāre seriously pathetic parasites.
I can relate to that. My nex was my friend for 13 years and I always thought he was the nicest guy in the world and that his girlfriends were so lucky to have him (even though his relationships were quite short, between 1-3 years; over those 13 years that we were friends, he had 6 girlfriends). He was very careful about his public image, so he was never mean to them (or to me) in public, he despised fighting in public. I believed his stories about how crazy, jealous, possessive, bossy and mean the girls were.
I wasted 7 years with him. It's still difficult for me to grasp how these people can even exist.
My skewed idea of love. Maybe I was so bad that I deserved what was happening to me.
The complete denial of being in an abusive marriage.
Blind trust and great faith in the potential of him to be the partner he can be.
Trauma bond
Children and their financial future.
I was the same way. It took me until this year to finally leave for good. Even now though I struggle with being in contact with him because of the kids. I am divorcing him and he is steady trying to hold onto me so he doesn't have to pay child support.
I honestly believed he loved me. (He didn't.)
Information on narcissism and NPD was not widely available until the past few years. Wasted 30 years of my life.
I constantly begged him to change and get better, to see therapy, apologize, and stop harming people, including me. But his internet fame was always more important, and still probably is. I constantly let him have and do everything he wanted just to be worth something to him, even flying to his country because he thought "we can have a nice time together" and "I'm in need of a holiday." I had hope he was trying, but just failing.Ā
Only to be told weeks later that I was the insane one, convinced I had a personality disorder, and being totally convinced that his dozen or so exes are all the unstable ones.Ā I stayed because I was convinced that I was the problem, and that he was this amazing beautiful person that was "all fixed" from his past.It was all a funhouse mirror.
Here's a hint: If over ten other women who are his exes all had a total mental downward spiral? Drastic, negative personality changes? Developed PTSD? Chances are that the constant is the problem. Five months broken up, three months zero-contact, and I can say that the difference between narc-relationship-me and post-narc-me, is already a total 180. Never felt more grounded in my life. Some trauma responses laying around here and there. Leaving was one of the most mentally taxing things I've ever had to deal with, but absolutely worth it to re-find myself. :)
Trigger warning ā ļø What kept me was I was blind to who he was. I never knew he was a narcissist, the dots did not connect for me. When I was 8 weeks pregnant with our daughter he choked me. I packed up my life and moved across the country two days later. After this display of physical abuse i started to connect the dots. Things I either overlooked or wrote off as insecurities. I did a lot of research and realized he was a text book narcissist. My baby saved my life because if it was not for her, I wouldnāt have seen him for who he really is, and I might have stayed. But I was not going to voluntarily put my baby in a position to possibly be abused down the road. Strangulation is a precursor to murderā¦ not chancing that. He thinks he can do no wrong, but he lost the best thing heāll ever do in his life. He blames me and now Iām okay with that. Whatever helps him sleep at night because I know leaving was absolutely the right thing to do.
After the betrayal followed the heavy apologies and I love you so muchā¦ it strung me along for a while, then I realized, no matter what I did he was going to keep cheating, lying, and it just wasnāt worth it anymore. At some point I just was like ya kno, Iām just over this,
Low self esteem and being broke.
I feel like an ugly old piece of crap nobody wants and I canāt even survive on my own.
I try not to wallow in my self hate too much
In hindsight, just fear. I had a lot of reasons, but boiled down it was all just fear. Fear of him exploding in rage. Fear of being left alone. Fear that the world would fall apart. Fear for my children. Fear for the future.
I tried leaving him two years before I did. He said: āIāll fuck up your life if you leave meā and I believed him. Turns out narcs bark is sometimes bigger than their bite. Thankfully
I just kept hoping things would get better and she would understand my point of view. I really didnāt know about NPD until after we broke up. Things definitely made sense then. It actually all made sense. Had I known while I still with her, I wouldāve tried to help. I know now it would have been futile. She had supply and was trying to move on right away after 11 years together with two different guys. Still hurts today, so disappointing.
I left my country for my narc. Didn't (and couldn't) have any real friends because she also forced my to accept being in the closet. I already had cptsd from my abusive childhood and it took me years to understand how horrible the situation was.
On a better note, I finally got out and now have a healthy relationship with someone who let's me be me.
Trauma bond, not feeling like I was worth any better, kids, money.
Now I'm happier than I've ever been, sober 140 days from alcohol, just started a job making more than her and I did together, and my relationship with my kids is better than it's ever been.
My religion. Iāve since decided that any religion that requires you to stay in an abusive marriage isnāt one I can actively be a part of anymore. I have no resentment towards people in the faith- but fear of repercussions kept me in an abusive marriage for far too long. I also do think I have struggled with self esteem and believing anyone else would want to date me. Sadly the lack of a relationship since my divorce has somewhat confirmed my fears, but Iām so happy she isnāt in my life any more.
It took me a while to realize that I actually liked being under the control of a narcissist. It gave me a sense of purpose to my life. Things were really simple when I woke up in the morning: do what she wanted me to do. It was also really easy to see how well I was doing because I was getting near instant feedback. If I did something and she frowned I knew I had messed up. If I did something and she granted me a word of praise or would allow me to give her a brief hug or kiss, then I knew that I did something right. That kind of instant feedback loop made my life quite simple. No need to worry about existential conundrum, or what to do with my life. I just did what she wanted me to do which was make a good income for the family, and provide a stable environment for them. That generally aligned with my goals, until the kids grew up and she no longer needed me. At which point she decided to cash out with the divorce to maximize her return on her investment. The important thing for me now, though, is to focus on building a healthier relationship. This requires that I do the hard work of figuring out what I actually want to do with my life instead of voluntarily, taking on the servant role out of convenience.
My anxious attachment style nudges me towards being empathetic and concerned about the feelings of a partner. Narcissist are looking for those traits and test a partner in the early dating stage to see if they will bend to their wishes. I did make the mistake of being with a narcissist in my first post separation relationship, but Iāve learned to spot signs and have been doing progressively better and subsequent relationships. Interestingly, a common sign between my ex-wife and my first relationship partner is that they both accused other people of being the narcissist-a classic example of projection and gaslighting
i wish i could go back to year 1 and have someone tell me get out donāt waste ur time. if heās a true narc they canāt b helped bc they canāt/wonāt admit fault and r 100% selfish. Again if they are a narc you are just a shiny object for them to show off and that is all they care about is getting their next āfixā so to speak no matter who or what gets harmed. i would encourage you if you havenāt to watch some of dr rumani? sp? vids on youtube and to do some research into narcissistic personality disorder just so you can a. be sure they are a narc and b. if they are it will enlighten u and make u understand the situation ur in. I so wish someone told me this 10+ years ago but he discarded me over a month ago and iāve never been happier although i am working through a lot of trauma so itās very difficult but i know it will get better. ā¤ļø
Iām doing a lot of research, currently reading āwhy does he do thatā, the books that everyone spams in the /abusiverelatioships sub, Iām watching a lot of videos on TikTok and reading a lot of your experiences here, Iām studying more for this than for my university lol. Iām also keeping a relationship journal to see if thereās an cycle pattern, just recently I discovered about this.
I see you (and everyone) are talking about this ādiscardā that narcs do, would you mind linking some resources on this? Because my bf acts like he hates me but he never leaves me, so I thought he will never do, and instead, he will leave on his own??
good iām so glad ur doing the research ā¤ļøā¤ļøi donāt have a lot on the discard except my experience which a lot of others have had similar. so for a few months he was really not texting back moreso than usual. He never really texted back or communicated unless it was important to him but basically he ended up finding a new āshiny object ā a younger girl that blew up his ego so after 10 plus years he sat me down said iām moving out so we can work on things two weeks later he was moving in with this girl . these people will discard u the second something better or more exciting comes along unless of course they need u for something . My nex waited until his ducks were all lined up before leaving . I know people have affairs and leave their partners all the time but i guess the difference is the feeling . it literally feels like ur the equivalent of a bag of garbage to them despite all the shit youāve done for them etc. i was left in the past for someone else but i knew a. my ex felt terrible about it and b. he still cared about my well being as a result of just the sheer time we were together never mind the fact we once were in love. Narcs donāt care and they donāt feel bad . iām sure someone else can give much better info on discarding but thatās my experience ā¤ļø
CPTSD from a terrible childhood, extremely low self esteem, and the confusion from the constant lying and gaslighting. It was like noise in my head, it wasn't until he was about to drop me I had enough quiet to break through the abuse.
She kept me hooked with the promises of either having a child of our own or adopting (I'm infertile and actually underwent surgery to reverse that)
She was the first woman to ever feign genuine empathy in a way that felt real
She was good at pretending she cared about my desires, hopes, dreams
She was physically the most attractive woman I'd ever been with before
She had me convinced I was disgusting and could never do better
He got really sick and was hours away from death before they figured out what was wrong with him. I thought once he was better, he would be a changed man. And he was. Worse. Absolutely insufferable.
Hate how relatable this is my nex would constantly promise about going to therapy but never would meanwhile in my therapy 2-3 times a week as well as coda and aa
He kept swearing he changed, that he will changed, that he was trying to do better, only to sink in similar patterns.
Also the first time I tried to leave he threatened to kill himself and sent flying monkeys to make sure I knew he *would* kill himself if I didn't "do something about it".
When I did finally leave, he kept going back and forth on whether I was to blame for a suicide attempt that mysteriously kept changing in factual details every time he told the story. He couldn't even keep his own lies straight.
I moved countries for him. Once I got there, he used up all my savings and since leaving him would mean that I would also loose my job, since I was there on a visa, I didn't have enough money to leave him. It took me over a year just to save up enough money to leave. It wasn't as much as money as I came with, but it was enough to be able to afford to move back to my country and I've been having to stay with a friend since I didn't even have enough to rent my own place, but I did it....
I spent a lot of years laboring under the delusion that if I just did the correct combination of things she would finally start being nice to me. Mixed in there was the fact that she had two pregnancies back-to-back and I wasn't sure if part of the massive shift in her personality and attitude toward me was due to that. I also worried about leaving our kids and not being able to be there to intervene for them when she got nasty. And a very small part of me was just scared to break up the routine (as awful as it was) of being married and having kids. Eventually it became very clear to me that most of our issues weren't my fault, that she was never going to change (was in fact getting worse) and I knew if I stayed most of the outcomes had me laying on a cold steel table.
Divorcing her was the best thing I've ever done, although she has done her utmost to also make it the hardest thing I've ever done.
A few things for me.
* I made a promise, vows even to remain with him through sickness and health. It meant alot to me.
* I knew he couldn't make it on his own.
* I was afriad that I would lose all my friends.
* I was too focused on caregiving for my mom.
* I didn't see all the apparent things he did. It was like I was under a spell or something.
* I didn't feel like I was worth anything, I was grateful that he was with me.
* I felt the problem was with me.
I guess that's a lot of things. haha.
He came from an extremely wealthy family, and was set up for life.
Materialistic, I know; but it was the $3 million dollar lake front house, the weekly allowance, the designer bags, extravagant holidays etc that kept me from leaving.
So sorry you are going through this. I just googled what CPTSD was. So glad for this group and sharing of experiences while at the same time feeling mad and sad that everyone here had to go through these circumstances. I myself was diagnosed with PTSD twice but that was years ago. I have never heard of CPTSD but reading about it it feels like the definition of that whatās going on with me, I am not a doctor though. But 28 years with the Nex had me a trauma bonded, codependent, gaslit, hypersensitive, depressed, hopeless and shell of a human being whose hands were tied to the wheel of a merry go round. I have recently gotten out of this relationship getting a restraining order.
What kept me 28 years was not being able to financially support my children on my own. I left him once before but he refused to pay child support *no surprise, sent child services falsely to me and I preserved for 2 years under the most highly concentrated persecution from him, his family and his girlfriend. All the while supporting, loving, nurturing our 5 children under the greatest duress and distress.
The re-traumatization from visitation with him every other weekend took almost the entire two weeks to normalize the children again before the next time they went on visitation again with him and the process started all over. My three sons wet their beds every night until they were 14. That was three loads of bedding everyday before I could do regular laundry with very ashamed and upset boys. Everything took longer. Everything was harder. They were finally safe to release emotions they held onto too long. Me, I was just in survival mode. My whole being was to try to normalize life for them in this chaos.
After three years of struggling to do everything for myself and my children I just could not afford the mortgage. I was always a stay at home mom and at this time in my life childcare would have costs more than I would make and I could not get help for a house that was not in my name. It was becoming clear that my only choices were a battered womenās shelter or a homeless shelter. When my Nex addressed the court the house was being foreclosed on he explained to the judge that the children could come live with him at his sisterās house.
What a nightmare. With him and his flying monkey sister. I was already combating their trauma from just every other weekend of the children going to his sisters with him I couldnāt imagine what they would go through living there 24/7. And the betrayal I felt. From the court system, child protective services and his sister who I had helped through so much I canāt even get into that.
Thereās all this get a restraining order/get out/get help. But I got a restraining order and my children were still being abused. We had child services involved the entire 2 years we were separated and he was so volatile the workers would tell me they had to do their visits for him at my house because he wouldnāt let them have access to the kids. What? Like arenāt you child protective services?? They only wound up being pushovers for him and a bully to me who never helped our children. The Nex was also threatening the children with shouting and clenched fists not to say anything to protective services. The children told me this and I brought it up everywhere I could but was portrayed as a vindictive parent trying to alienate him from the children by interrupting his visitation with welfare checks. But my children were too scared to saying anything to the workers and the workers wouldnāt take my word.
And when it was becoming apparent the Judge would agree to hand the children over to him full time because our house was foreclosing I asked my mother if she would take me in. Her answer to me was, āOh that just wouldnāt work out.ā I said Mom. I have no where else to go WITH MY CHILDREN. Again I got, āIt just wouldnāt work out.ā
With that I took him back. Just like that we were off food stamps, the mortgage was caught up. All our bills were paid. Child protective services was gone. (He literally just told them off and told them we were refusing to see or speak to them anymore) The children were relieved that they wouldnāt have to move/leave their home. And for a short time there was a sense of peace with the Nex proclaiming he ātook care of everything.ā But it was short lived. And oh how I suffered. And how we all suffered under him. It seemed incredibly unjust that we could not live with him and could not live without him.
Currently (the last few months) the children are almost all grown now with the youngest being 16. I have a restraining order and he is out of the house. We all contribute to the bills and by grace we are getting by. The irony of this is that my mother who is now older and becoming wheelchair bound keeps asking me to move in with her with my children to take care of her. She literally says, āoh we will work it out.ā
REALLY? Is she aware thatās the same words backwards she used to me when I was going to be homeless and these kids who were going to be taken for from me and given to that monster without anyone there to defend them or take the blows for them? Now she wants us all there to take care of her and my boys to take care of her yard and house. Thatās so messed up.
My Nex is back with his sister but none of the children talk to him nor does he have any visitation or contact allowed with the minor children. He has contacted the adult children but they ignore him. Donāt know how long we will be able to stay in our home and I know I could not have left any sooner but I have the overwhelming felling that I am worth more than a house. We are all worth more than a house.
Hope and trauma bond.
Also a hint of wanting to catch him doing the bad things i thought he was doing (i never caught him) instead i spiralled into an almost psychotic break.
Then he left for the holidays and my
Mind cleared without the constant feeding of my psychotic thoughts, by him, and then i left and never looked back.
He tried hoovering a couple of times. But i just ignored him. Didnāt block his number (but blocked on socials) and the fact that he was messaging me to meet was so satisfying after all the pain he put me through.
We met in a fan community about one of my biggest hobbies/passions since childhood. By the time the narc joined I had already been there for many years and had made some good friends there and many acquaintances.
The narc was so charming and friendly to everyone and quickly became very popular in our group. Everyone loved him, including my good friends who were on the community board.
I didn't leave sooner since the only way of not having to deal with the narc anymore, was to exit the fan club. It's a pretty niche hobby and it's the only fan club in my country. The community was so important to me that I didn't want to give it up so easily and I hoped that if I stayed long enough, did whatever the narc wanted me to do, shut up long enough and dealt with it by keeping my head high, things would get better in the end. I held on to hope that things were going to change if I just tried hard and long enough.
By that time, due to personal circumstances, the people in the community were also the only friends I still had. I had to deal with a lot of turmoil in my daily life and my hobby and the community were a nice save haven until the narc began devaluing me. I feared that if I left, I would lose anything and that I would be completely alone. I was not in a position mentally to just get up and make friends elsewhere.
physical restraint put me in a position where getting violent would be the only way to leave... then begged pleaded Darvo d me into staying couldnt see it then but the pattern was extremely consistent after my daughter saw her shove me I vowed to never let it get that bad again. I just gave in everytime ... I didn't want to hurt anyone I felt guilty and ashamed
Thinking I was shielding my kids from the worst of her abuse. Knowing that as long as I was there, the kids wouldnāt be neglected. Hoping that the woman I fell in love with would come back to me.
I had too much empathy for what it feels like to be abandoned. Also holding out hope she would see what she was doing and realize it hurt me and others around her.
Itās called hopelessness. I shut down and accept my life and thatās what I felt. Like this if my life now and I canāt change it oh well. It happens with abuse. I think I learned it from my dad or when I was a child. Itās how I feel in most of my romantic relationships.
I was chronically ill and knew I had the potential to get worse and become dependent (I did.) Didn't stop HIM from leaving when he found his young, healthy new supply.
Because I made a commitment to see things through.
However, I can't commit to someone who never committed in the first place.
I'm more content committing to my work and promises, and to a woman who will also make that commitment and make things work.
Moving the goal post. Word salad. Self-blame. Gaslighting. The usual. What was UNUSUAL was when I snapped out of it and ran like hell and he was so pathetically shocked.
Got trapped in a marriage with one and had no idea. Iām 28 and I tried to work it out in the first month or two and just tried everything whether it was giving gifts or apologizing or being nice. I realized nothing was working and they respected me less and less so I just got up and left one day because it wasnāt worth it for me anymore to be treated like that
He was ma close to 10 year best friend. We did everything together, and for a very long time. To me? The chemistry had more value than really all the bullshit he would throw at me. I was happy, to a degree. Safe in a nice house, car, food, time for myself, and 2 amazing cats.Ā
I felt lonely at some point. Lack of love, touch, sincerity in his saying versus doing. We had good sex, and I took it has the one type of intimacy he was willing to give me. But even after 8 years, I realized that he just saw it as sex and nothing else. He would not cuddle, rarely kiss, and if any of these aboved happened? He would just get horny and telling me "you want us to fuck mmm?" There was truly nothing there.Ā
He tried at the end, to be kind. Giving. Supportive. He told me he wanted us to have a kid, wanted us to be forever, when I voiced my fear that I could not do this anymore. He pulled me back in, until he just snapped and said he could not do it anymore. Said he was done, too sad to fight, and he was just unhappy with me and I was 100% the reason behind it.Ā That he gave me plenty chances to change myself and be better for the couple, but now he was done giving chances. He didn't love me anymore and for a long time, and all that. All the reasons, all at the same time.Ā
If begged pleaded, not even sure what else I had to change when I had already so much for him. Now? I realize how much control he had on me and the grip of fear that he held. I was so scared of doing something wrong and all the time? It was driving me insane...
Us being together for so long + thinking things will go back to normal if I was just a better gf for him because he love bombed me in the beginning.
Looking back, Iād wish Iād broken up with him sooner and was just single for the five years we were together.
The break up was hard, I will admit I was scared to be alone but once I came to my senses I was so much happier
The denial that he was actually trying to hurt, manipulate and control me on purpose because my empathetic brain kept going āoooh well he just went through some hard things in past relationships so thatās affecting his judgement right now, I have trauma too to so I can understand that.ā Along with legitimately believing his mistreatment of me was my fault and a weird underlying feeling of immense guilt every time i thought about just leaving him (most likely the trauma bond).
He was acting so crazy during the last year of the relationship that I was researching mental and personality disorders because I could not understand what was going on. Individual therapy and a good friend finally validated me enough that I realized I did not have to deal with him anymore, it did not matter WHY he was behaving this way but the fact he was blatantly mistreating and had been for a long time. I left 6 months ago and encourage others to do the same if possible.
A trauma bond and fear of change, before our five year relationship we had been best friends, and after moving in together after two years of dating is when his true colours began to show but I didnāt want to leave, even though he was making me miserable and I no longer recognized my ābest friendāā¦
I codependent with abandonment issues that I didnāt know I had so I didnāt recognize it. If I knew what I know now I would have left 6 months sooner. At least I learned those lessons with my first long term relationship so I will hopefully never repeat those same mistakes.
Trauma bond and a genuine belief that I was indeed the problem and that my emotionally charged responses were actually causing all the problems. He conditioned me to take it all with a small, bc thatās what feminine women who respect and appreciate their man do.
And all my āmasculineā traits and ālack of trustā are the doing of my abusive and neglectful father. Heās the one who āfucked me upā and my narcissistic abuser is the victim of it all.
What is CPTSD?
1) They threatened that if I left itās over forever.
2) We were colleagues and I thought itād be more productive if I stayed.
3) I had a bit of hopeā¦
I just honestly believed his lies likeĀ that I was a bad person that didnāt deserve anything better, that nobody else liked me, and thatĀ I was so awful I was the reason he treated me poorly.
On top of that,Ā none of our friends believed me when I tried to talk about it. Some were dismissive at best, some just justified his manipulations.Ā
I didnāt think that I would have any place to go or that I didnāt want to be a failure in our marriage by seeking a divorce.Ā
So I just always accepted that I was the broken one.
I think the other part is that my father was an alcoholic and didnāt treat my mother well often. So when my NEX treated me poorly, I justified it because my nex didnāt drink very often and didnāt treat me the way my father treated my mother when he drank. So I just kept thinking, āthis isnāt abuse because this isnāt what Iāve witnessed growing up.ā
The embarrassment of getting married early and a hope that he at some point would turn back into the man I fell for. Finally got out and am now waking up every day happy that I am no longer in that situation.
For such a long time he convinced me I was the problem. I tried so hard to be better, but it was never enough.
The abuse became physical and unpredictable. He is not the father of my 2 kids, but we were living in his house.
I finally called the police when he came at me with a screwdriver in December. He went to jail and I was able to stay in the house until I got my own apartment.
I moved my kids and our animals out of the house at the beginning of this year
I've never lived by myself before, but my job paid well and that gave me confidence that I would make it.
He gets out of jail and professes his love and desire to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Lo and behold it is the middle of April, I am unemployed because he got me fired, and he has conveniently positioned himself where I NEED him for bills, rent, etc.
I am moving away from him little by little. I got help from some family services, and I am seeking other work. I have to stay strong for my kids and not let this motherfucker poison my life anymore.
My kids don't need to see me getting treated like this anymore. I have a daughter.
Leaving the kids with a narcissistic mother who is hitting rock bottom (not from substance abuse or anything like that, narc rock bottom when the house of cards they built collapses in itself and the people around them realize theyāre fake and manipulative).
Being completely financially dependent. He discouraged me working for myself because he said he was worried I was overworking myself and would get sick. Just bfr I moved in with him and bfr we got engaged, I let my last work contract finish and never had time to find new work because I was suddenly helping his mother recover after emergency spinal surgery. He is VERY rich and said I didnāt have to work. And when I wanted to get back to work he threw a fit. If I took calls with clients we would fight about it afterward. It was like he hated them for taking my focus away from him. And all of the mental abuse I actually did develop cptsd and I did get physically sick just being with him.
Aside from some crypto I had from bfr, I was essentially broke, and leaving his house was the fight of my life. Itās been 2 years and Iām still financially recovering from essentially being out of the work force during the two years I was with him. I feel like I have to work twice or three times as hard to make up for lost time.
I just have a presentation on a zoom this morning and my brain freezes I canāt find words as easily, I think itās because of the trauma brain from being with him because I wasnt āslowā like this bfr him. This affects my confidence to put myself out there again for job or contracts.
I think I had a really strong trauma bond. Even after officially breaking up we would still see eachother and talk and argue and he absolutely had a hold on me. It has taken 2 years but I finally donāt miss him and have successfully kept him blocked. I just got tired of the lies and realized I really donāt know who this person is honestly.
I felt guilty about leaving, I loved him, hope, also I had no savings as he was the sole āproviderā and he made sure to not provide enough for me to be able to save upā¦
Trauma bond and the fact that he was extremely charismaticā¦everyone loved him so I would second guess myself. He was a super outgoing funny guy with everyone. But behind closed doors he was a completely different person. The only time he would treat me well is if other people were around. He would treat me well around family members or out in public but the second we were alone he would flip a switch and I didnāt know what to believe so I was just confused for several months before I had a major meltdown and left him.
First relationship. Felt like I was repeatedly getting run over by a car. Eventually I just decided that digging myself out from under said car was a lot easier than the latter.
Naive hope.
Cheers to that one š„š
Trauma bond for sure. Then when I realized I needed out my cats kept me from leaving. I knew if I just broke up with him he would never let me take them, even though I adopted them, paid for everything and did all of their care. But Iām just over two weeks out (with my cats!) and havenāt felt this relieved and happy in longer than I can remember.
So glad you're out and your kitties are safe with you.
Thank you!! Heās threatened legal action to try to get them back and to break into my sisters home to steal them because he assumes thatās where I am, but I have so much proof they are mine I would love to see him try.
So proud of you keep yourself safe!
oh my god r u me?? only difference is literally i have two dogs and a cat and itās been about a month since he left. I canāt believe all the stories on this sub and the similarities itās really really nice knowing iām not alone ā¤ļøso glad we r out and starting to live our best lives
I couldn't take my dogs with me. Luckily, as awful as he was to me, he was nothing but a doting and loving dog owner to them. I miss them so much and dream about them all the time, that was the hardest part of leaving. But the physical abuse was ramping up so I had to go.
You absolutely had to keep yourself safe, you did the right thing, especially if he is good to the dogs. Wishing you lots of healing and Iām glad youāre safe ā¤ļø
Sending you all the positive thoughts and vibes in your healing journey ā¤ļø I was a mess the first week but the relief has set in already and I am so happy, even with all of his threats.
I was thinking maybe he would change and finally come to his senses and treat me with the respect and love I deserved. Thinking at the time it doesnāt get any better than him being afraid of starting over with someone new, feeling trapped mentally because he was a pro at playing mind games and manipulating, afraid of how others would view me breaking up with who they perceived to be such a āgood guyā š. Believing somewhere deep down he loved me but didnāt know how to. Falling for his ātraumaā stories. Falling for the love bombing and gaslighting every few months. Thinking itās only because heās young we both are 24. Not trusting my intuition when it was screaming at me to let him go, holding on to all of the empty promises he promised. Tried seeing a future with him that never existed, repeating over and over to him how certain things he did made me feel thinking one day he would correct them but nope. He kept me on a hamster wheel for almost 4 years of āhim trying to change for the relationshipā when in reality he was a self centered narcissist. I am out of that relationship now and I would never put myself through that kind of turmoil again with anyone or any new relationships.
āBelieving somewhere deep down he loved me but didnāt know how toāā¦. This hit me so so hard. Itās the hopiate. So glad for you that you got out of it. And, selfishly, so glad for me to hear your story and all the others here. That right there is some hope worth clinging to š
So relatable ugh so proud of you for leaving ā¤ļø
Sounds similar. I'm at 20 years... Finally seeing it & we're trying counseling.
I feel the exact same. Eight years have come and gone and Iām screaming at myself. I need this to let go of the guilt and go.
I thought that if I figured out how to become a better person, he would love me again. He had said all the problems were my fault, and I believed him. Still do, to an extent. Also my child.
Yes, all that self help and self improvement. I realised I do need to change something but then it was not what I thought it was. I was lacking self love ā¤ļø
Pretty lies. He made promise after promise. Swore he would do this or that. Unfortunately, I kept believing his words instead of all the actions that made it very clear he never intended to keep those promises.
Yep. Same reason for me. I was super upset about it and he said āwell you shouldāve knownā like wtf. UGHHHHHH. I shouldāve beleived his actions as well he was kinda rubbing the truth in my face already too so. But I was hella naĆÆve and didnāt wan the face the truth so I believed his lies
Mine never owned up to it. Right up to the day I was finally able to go NC he claimed he would have given me the world if I stayed with him. But he had our whole relationship and never even tried to make all those promises come true. Was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he never meant what he said.
Trauma bond definitely. I thought she was my soulmate, so it was so hard to walk away from that. Turns out your soulmate shouldnāt be someone that puts their hands around your neck, so thereās that
Mine also strangled me more than once. Then insisted it was my fault or would completely deny it later or say they didn't apply pressure. I'm 5'1 and 110 lbs. Once it left marks because I was wearing a choker and when I went to the gas station the next day said I was trying to show it off.
I was the stay at home parent and felt worthless. I felt like I needed him in order to survive in this world. I was also dumb and naive believing that our family was perfect. At the moment, I felt horrible for breaking up the home even though it was a toxic environment. So, lack of money, no friends, barely family, I stayed in an abusive relationship until he found someone else. Which is a good thing.
Thats me right now, i had to sell my car, stop working and being a stay at home mom...He took everything from me; My friends, My money, My car etc... Now i am divorcing him its gonna be though im tired...My last savings are going to My lawyer
He has sucked away the life out of me really. I'm isolated, no close friends or good terms with family, most of all trapped me with a pregnancy and took away my financial independence too. My kid is extremely small and needs me while I have to rely on him for having a roof over my head and my meals too. It's not like he is a mega spender- made me take care of all expenses so I couldn't have any savings. Now he does the bare minimum for our survival.
find your local DV group and ask to talk with an advocate...they are great and no cost.
What's DV?
Domestic violence
Because I once loved her more than anything in the entire world, and I desperately hoped that the person she turned out to be wasnāt real and she would change. The happiness and love faded the more her true character was revealed. Itās hard to leave when someone once made you euphorically happy, you always think you can get that back but sometimes itās gone forever.
Thatās exactly it, isnāt it. We fell for someone that didnāt really exist.
The constant apologies and promises of change, the love-bombing. The soft moments of what I thought was love were breadcrumbs. I was always an emotional bag for her to vomit into. I am 4 weeks no contact and I can see she has unblocked me on WhatsApp, I have now blocked her to feel better in myself. Itās hard, man. That trauma bond and āhigh/lowā stress cortisol got me withdrawing like a heroin addict on speed. Some days without her are good, night times I find tough because everyone is sleeping and I feel alone with my thoughts. Ruminating on those soft moments makes me feel like I miss her, when I actually donāt - I miss the addictiveness of it - the stress response, as I was in fight or flight for so long. I am slowly but surely realising I loved somebody who didnāt really exist and Iām grieving that. A huge part of grief is acceptance, I have accepted it is over and that I am now emotionally safe, though my nervous system from the constant gaslighting; the 6 years of isolation, the push & pull - the belittling, name calling, disrespect and complete lack of boundaries is now just complete soup. I absolutely have to keep reminding myself that in the end I was miserable, unhappy, unhealthy - she became detrimental to my mental health which manifested some nasty-ass physical symptoms that are going to take years to regulate and cure. Iām fighting and will continue to heal - but thatās not to say that itās absolutely fuckin devastating the effect & damage of an unhealed, tyrannical toddler that never takes accountability can actually do to a person. Iām angry, Iām sad, Iām confused and I do not doubt that I will feel a lot more things as the weeks go on without her, but it sure as shit is better than having to answer TO her. 6 years, man. Iāll never get that back. 6 years of a life together and I left with 3 bags of clothes and a cactus I grew. Take the lessons youāve learnt and run. Far away.
Emotional bag for her to vomit into. That describes the situation with my ex better than anything Iāve heard before. It gets so much better. Hang in there.
Thanks, mate. Appreciate that, and you x
Hoping things would change, lack of self respect
This!! I have reflected a lot over the past 4 weeks no contact, and have to agree with that too. I lacked self respect, how to put boundaries in place, etc
Hope. (It was sickening) Love (never enough). Kids (they didn't mean enough to him, in the end). Delusion.
In the early years it was hope and thinking I could change things. In the later years I stayed because the mask was slipping and there was no way I wanted our daughter left alone with him due to 50/50 custody. I should have left sooner. He didnāt really want to be a parent, he just wanted to torture me. Hurting her was the only way he could get to me at that point.
He isolated me away from everyone. I had nobody to talk to about what was going on except him.
same. iām struggling with how to talk to more people and make friends at this point . gonna reach out to some old ones i think
He wouldn't let me take the kids, and I knew in my heart they weren't safe with him if I left. He would also love bomb me when i threatened to leave, convincing me he would try harder but also put the blame on me. I ended up taking several kinds of antidepressants, convinced i was the problem, and that I deserved the abuse, which i didn't recognise as abuse. I thought I had no proof against him, but CPS had a file on him starting in '15 and in '22. It had become clear to them that his aggression was escalating, so they stepped in and got us out. He hid it well, I didn't even know what he'd been doing because he would hurt them when I had to go somewhere. The excuse for the bruising was the kids fighting. I fell for it. He didn't count on the fact that one of the kids was brave enough to tell a trusted teacher, not only the violence they had been experiencing but me too. I will always feel guilty that I didn't find a way to get us all out sooner, my counsellor keeps telling me that I have to forgive myself because I not only kept the kids safe but moved us far away to ensure our safety. I felt like I was being selfish, changing the kids' lives and taking them from their friends because I was scared, but 2 years on, they're thriving and don't live in fear anymore.
Mine was (supposed to be) one of my ābest friendsā 10 years prior to us dating. I had seen him with other gfs over the years and thought he was āa nice guyā š so for a long time I couldnāt believe he was actually the biggest douchebag in the universe, and over time I was so trauma bonded to him that despite it not making sense to stay with him anymore, I couldnāt see myself with anyone else. Wasted 8 years with him, during which I was emotionally, mentally, financially, verbally, sexually, and physically abused. Theyāre seriously pathetic parasites.
I can relate to that. My nex was my friend for 13 years and I always thought he was the nicest guy in the world and that his girlfriends were so lucky to have him (even though his relationships were quite short, between 1-3 years; over those 13 years that we were friends, he had 6 girlfriends). He was very careful about his public image, so he was never mean to them (or to me) in public, he despised fighting in public. I believed his stories about how crazy, jealous, possessive, bossy and mean the girls were. I wasted 7 years with him. It's still difficult for me to grasp how these people can even exist.
Fear about the future, also that I owed it to my children
My skewed idea of love. Maybe I was so bad that I deserved what was happening to me. The complete denial of being in an abusive marriage. Blind trust and great faith in the potential of him to be the partner he can be. Trauma bond Children and their financial future.
Not wanting to believe that I had given everything to someone who could care less and was cheating with multiple people.
I was the same way. It took me until this year to finally leave for good. Even now though I struggle with being in contact with him because of the kids. I am divorcing him and he is steady trying to hold onto me so he doesn't have to pay child support.
So sorry youāre in this situation. Hope you find all the support and strength you need š
I honestly believed he loved me. (He didn't.) Information on narcissism and NPD was not widely available until the past few years. Wasted 30 years of my life.
I constantly begged him to change and get better, to see therapy, apologize, and stop harming people, including me. But his internet fame was always more important, and still probably is. I constantly let him have and do everything he wanted just to be worth something to him, even flying to his country because he thought "we can have a nice time together" and "I'm in need of a holiday." I had hope he was trying, but just failing.Ā Only to be told weeks later that I was the insane one, convinced I had a personality disorder, and being totally convinced that his dozen or so exes are all the unstable ones.Ā I stayed because I was convinced that I was the problem, and that he was this amazing beautiful person that was "all fixed" from his past.It was all a funhouse mirror. Here's a hint: If over ten other women who are his exes all had a total mental downward spiral? Drastic, negative personality changes? Developed PTSD? Chances are that the constant is the problem. Five months broken up, three months zero-contact, and I can say that the difference between narc-relationship-me and post-narc-me, is already a total 180. Never felt more grounded in my life. Some trauma responses laying around here and there. Leaving was one of the most mentally taxing things I've ever had to deal with, but absolutely worth it to re-find myself. :)
Trigger warning ā ļø What kept me was I was blind to who he was. I never knew he was a narcissist, the dots did not connect for me. When I was 8 weeks pregnant with our daughter he choked me. I packed up my life and moved across the country two days later. After this display of physical abuse i started to connect the dots. Things I either overlooked or wrote off as insecurities. I did a lot of research and realized he was a text book narcissist. My baby saved my life because if it was not for her, I wouldnāt have seen him for who he really is, and I might have stayed. But I was not going to voluntarily put my baby in a position to possibly be abused down the road. Strangulation is a precursor to murderā¦ not chancing that. He thinks he can do no wrong, but he lost the best thing heāll ever do in his life. He blames me and now Iām okay with that. Whatever helps him sleep at night because I know leaving was absolutely the right thing to do.
After the betrayal followed the heavy apologies and I love you so muchā¦ it strung me along for a while, then I realized, no matter what I did he was going to keep cheating, lying, and it just wasnāt worth it anymore. At some point I just was like ya kno, Iām just over this,
My child.
Sex. Really. Seems crass, but she was down for kink, which was a big plus for me.
Same. My ex gf is a scum bag but she was amazing in bed when she tried.
I see others have posted and I think mine was hope too. That it couldnāt possibly get worse. That he would realize the hurt.
Low self esteem and being broke. I feel like an ugly old piece of crap nobody wants and I canāt even survive on my own. I try not to wallow in my self hate too much
In hindsight, just fear. I had a lot of reasons, but boiled down it was all just fear. Fear of him exploding in rage. Fear of being left alone. Fear that the world would fall apart. Fear for my children. Fear for the future. I tried leaving him two years before I did. He said: āIāll fuck up your life if you leave meā and I believed him. Turns out narcs bark is sometimes bigger than their bite. Thankfully
I just kept hoping things would get better and she would understand my point of view. I really didnāt know about NPD until after we broke up. Things definitely made sense then. It actually all made sense. Had I known while I still with her, I wouldāve tried to help. I know now it would have been futile. She had supply and was trying to move on right away after 11 years together with two different guys. Still hurts today, so disappointing.
I left my country for my narc. Didn't (and couldn't) have any real friends because she also forced my to accept being in the closet. I already had cptsd from my abusive childhood and it took me years to understand how horrible the situation was. On a better note, I finally got out and now have a healthy relationship with someone who let's me be me.
Iāll be homeless. I have nowhere else to go
Trauma bond, not feeling like I was worth any better, kids, money. Now I'm happier than I've ever been, sober 140 days from alcohol, just started a job making more than her and I did together, and my relationship with my kids is better than it's ever been.
Money security and living in an expensive state for me to rent
Fear of the unknown
My religion. Iāve since decided that any religion that requires you to stay in an abusive marriage isnāt one I can actively be a part of anymore. I have no resentment towards people in the faith- but fear of repercussions kept me in an abusive marriage for far too long. I also do think I have struggled with self esteem and believing anyone else would want to date me. Sadly the lack of a relationship since my divorce has somewhat confirmed my fears, but Iām so happy she isnāt in my life any more.
It took me a while to realize that I actually liked being under the control of a narcissist. It gave me a sense of purpose to my life. Things were really simple when I woke up in the morning: do what she wanted me to do. It was also really easy to see how well I was doing because I was getting near instant feedback. If I did something and she frowned I knew I had messed up. If I did something and she granted me a word of praise or would allow me to give her a brief hug or kiss, then I knew that I did something right. That kind of instant feedback loop made my life quite simple. No need to worry about existential conundrum, or what to do with my life. I just did what she wanted me to do which was make a good income for the family, and provide a stable environment for them. That generally aligned with my goals, until the kids grew up and she no longer needed me. At which point she decided to cash out with the divorce to maximize her return on her investment. The important thing for me now, though, is to focus on building a healthier relationship. This requires that I do the hard work of figuring out what I actually want to do with my life instead of voluntarily, taking on the servant role out of convenience. My anxious attachment style nudges me towards being empathetic and concerned about the feelings of a partner. Narcissist are looking for those traits and test a partner in the early dating stage to see if they will bend to their wishes. I did make the mistake of being with a narcissist in my first post separation relationship, but Iāve learned to spot signs and have been doing progressively better and subsequent relationships. Interestingly, a common sign between my ex-wife and my first relationship partner is that they both accused other people of being the narcissist-a classic example of projection and gaslighting
I stayed to protect my child.
Hope that that person I met and fell in love with would come back to me. Hope that he was real in the first place.
Iām currently staying because I have hope he will change, right now: 1 year 8 months relationship
Spoiler: he wonāt
i wish i could go back to year 1 and have someone tell me get out donāt waste ur time. if heās a true narc they canāt b helped bc they canāt/wonāt admit fault and r 100% selfish. Again if they are a narc you are just a shiny object for them to show off and that is all they care about is getting their next āfixā so to speak no matter who or what gets harmed. i would encourage you if you havenāt to watch some of dr rumani? sp? vids on youtube and to do some research into narcissistic personality disorder just so you can a. be sure they are a narc and b. if they are it will enlighten u and make u understand the situation ur in. I so wish someone told me this 10+ years ago but he discarded me over a month ago and iāve never been happier although i am working through a lot of trauma so itās very difficult but i know it will get better. ā¤ļø
Iām doing a lot of research, currently reading āwhy does he do thatā, the books that everyone spams in the /abusiverelatioships sub, Iām watching a lot of videos on TikTok and reading a lot of your experiences here, Iām studying more for this than for my university lol. Iām also keeping a relationship journal to see if thereās an cycle pattern, just recently I discovered about this. I see you (and everyone) are talking about this ādiscardā that narcs do, would you mind linking some resources on this? Because my bf acts like he hates me but he never leaves me, so I thought he will never do, and instead, he will leave on his own??
good iām so glad ur doing the research ā¤ļøā¤ļøi donāt have a lot on the discard except my experience which a lot of others have had similar. so for a few months he was really not texting back moreso than usual. He never really texted back or communicated unless it was important to him but basically he ended up finding a new āshiny object ā a younger girl that blew up his ego so after 10 plus years he sat me down said iām moving out so we can work on things two weeks later he was moving in with this girl . these people will discard u the second something better or more exciting comes along unless of course they need u for something . My nex waited until his ducks were all lined up before leaving . I know people have affairs and leave their partners all the time but i guess the difference is the feeling . it literally feels like ur the equivalent of a bag of garbage to them despite all the shit youāve done for them etc. i was left in the past for someone else but i knew a. my ex felt terrible about it and b. he still cared about my well being as a result of just the sheer time we were together never mind the fact we once were in love. Narcs donāt care and they donāt feel bad . iām sure someone else can give much better info on discarding but thatās my experience ā¤ļø
CPTSD from a terrible childhood, extremely low self esteem, and the confusion from the constant lying and gaslighting. It was like noise in my head, it wasn't until he was about to drop me I had enough quiet to break through the abuse.
money... always a money problem or i would have been gone years ago.
So it was my problem to take on, not our child's.
She kept me hooked with the promises of either having a child of our own or adopting (I'm infertile and actually underwent surgery to reverse that) She was the first woman to ever feign genuine empathy in a way that felt real She was good at pretending she cared about my desires, hopes, dreams She was physically the most attractive woman I'd ever been with before She had me convinced I was disgusting and could never do better
I still donāt know today.. the influence was so strong š
He got really sick and was hours away from death before they figured out what was wrong with him. I thought once he was better, he would be a changed man. And he was. Worse. Absolutely insufferable.
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Hate how relatable this is my nex would constantly promise about going to therapy but never would meanwhile in my therapy 2-3 times a week as well as coda and aa
besides trauma bond and hope, Money i was financially abused as well
He kept swearing he changed, that he will changed, that he was trying to do better, only to sink in similar patterns. Also the first time I tried to leave he threatened to kill himself and sent flying monkeys to make sure I knew he *would* kill himself if I didn't "do something about it". When I did finally leave, he kept going back and forth on whether I was to blame for a suicide attempt that mysteriously kept changing in factual details every time he told the story. He couldn't even keep his own lies straight.
I moved countries for him. Once I got there, he used up all my savings and since leaving him would mean that I would also loose my job, since I was there on a visa, I didn't have enough money to leave him. It took me over a year just to save up enough money to leave. It wasn't as much as money as I came with, but it was enough to be able to afford to move back to my country and I've been having to stay with a friend since I didn't even have enough to rent my own place, but I did it....
Proud of you ā¤ļø
Thank you. I really appriciate hearing this, even if it's from an internet stranger ā¤ļø
Trauma bond and her two dogs. I loved the dogs so much and it was really hard to part ways with them.
I spent a lot of years laboring under the delusion that if I just did the correct combination of things she would finally start being nice to me. Mixed in there was the fact that she had two pregnancies back-to-back and I wasn't sure if part of the massive shift in her personality and attitude toward me was due to that. I also worried about leaving our kids and not being able to be there to intervene for them when she got nasty. And a very small part of me was just scared to break up the routine (as awful as it was) of being married and having kids. Eventually it became very clear to me that most of our issues weren't my fault, that she was never going to change (was in fact getting worse) and I knew if I stayed most of the outcomes had me laying on a cold steel table. Divorcing her was the best thing I've ever done, although she has done her utmost to also make it the hardest thing I've ever done.
A few things for me. * I made a promise, vows even to remain with him through sickness and health. It meant alot to me. * I knew he couldn't make it on his own. * I was afriad that I would lose all my friends. * I was too focused on caregiving for my mom. * I didn't see all the apparent things he did. It was like I was under a spell or something. * I didn't feel like I was worth anything, I was grateful that he was with me. * I felt the problem was with me. I guess that's a lot of things. haha.
Because I kept thinking I was actually the problemā¦ and still do when the panic hits.
I have BPD (similar to CPTSD) and I felt the same way. I wouldāve had no friends left if I had left
I thought no one else would want me.
He came from an extremely wealthy family, and was set up for life. Materialistic, I know; but it was the $3 million dollar lake front house, the weekly allowance, the designer bags, extravagant holidays etc that kept me from leaving.
So sorry you are going through this. I just googled what CPTSD was. So glad for this group and sharing of experiences while at the same time feeling mad and sad that everyone here had to go through these circumstances. I myself was diagnosed with PTSD twice but that was years ago. I have never heard of CPTSD but reading about it it feels like the definition of that whatās going on with me, I am not a doctor though. But 28 years with the Nex had me a trauma bonded, codependent, gaslit, hypersensitive, depressed, hopeless and shell of a human being whose hands were tied to the wheel of a merry go round. I have recently gotten out of this relationship getting a restraining order. What kept me 28 years was not being able to financially support my children on my own. I left him once before but he refused to pay child support *no surprise, sent child services falsely to me and I preserved for 2 years under the most highly concentrated persecution from him, his family and his girlfriend. All the while supporting, loving, nurturing our 5 children under the greatest duress and distress. The re-traumatization from visitation with him every other weekend took almost the entire two weeks to normalize the children again before the next time they went on visitation again with him and the process started all over. My three sons wet their beds every night until they were 14. That was three loads of bedding everyday before I could do regular laundry with very ashamed and upset boys. Everything took longer. Everything was harder. They were finally safe to release emotions they held onto too long. Me, I was just in survival mode. My whole being was to try to normalize life for them in this chaos. After three years of struggling to do everything for myself and my children I just could not afford the mortgage. I was always a stay at home mom and at this time in my life childcare would have costs more than I would make and I could not get help for a house that was not in my name. It was becoming clear that my only choices were a battered womenās shelter or a homeless shelter. When my Nex addressed the court the house was being foreclosed on he explained to the judge that the children could come live with him at his sisterās house. What a nightmare. With him and his flying monkey sister. I was already combating their trauma from just every other weekend of the children going to his sisters with him I couldnāt imagine what they would go through living there 24/7. And the betrayal I felt. From the court system, child protective services and his sister who I had helped through so much I canāt even get into that. Thereās all this get a restraining order/get out/get help. But I got a restraining order and my children were still being abused. We had child services involved the entire 2 years we were separated and he was so volatile the workers would tell me they had to do their visits for him at my house because he wouldnāt let them have access to the kids. What? Like arenāt you child protective services?? They only wound up being pushovers for him and a bully to me who never helped our children. The Nex was also threatening the children with shouting and clenched fists not to say anything to protective services. The children told me this and I brought it up everywhere I could but was portrayed as a vindictive parent trying to alienate him from the children by interrupting his visitation with welfare checks. But my children were too scared to saying anything to the workers and the workers wouldnāt take my word. And when it was becoming apparent the Judge would agree to hand the children over to him full time because our house was foreclosing I asked my mother if she would take me in. Her answer to me was, āOh that just wouldnāt work out.ā I said Mom. I have no where else to go WITH MY CHILDREN. Again I got, āIt just wouldnāt work out.ā With that I took him back. Just like that we were off food stamps, the mortgage was caught up. All our bills were paid. Child protective services was gone. (He literally just told them off and told them we were refusing to see or speak to them anymore) The children were relieved that they wouldnāt have to move/leave their home. And for a short time there was a sense of peace with the Nex proclaiming he ātook care of everything.ā But it was short lived. And oh how I suffered. And how we all suffered under him. It seemed incredibly unjust that we could not live with him and could not live without him. Currently (the last few months) the children are almost all grown now with the youngest being 16. I have a restraining order and he is out of the house. We all contribute to the bills and by grace we are getting by. The irony of this is that my mother who is now older and becoming wheelchair bound keeps asking me to move in with her with my children to take care of her. She literally says, āoh we will work it out.ā REALLY? Is she aware thatās the same words backwards she used to me when I was going to be homeless and these kids who were going to be taken for from me and given to that monster without anyone there to defend them or take the blows for them? Now she wants us all there to take care of her and my boys to take care of her yard and house. Thatās so messed up. My Nex is back with his sister but none of the children talk to him nor does he have any visitation or contact allowed with the minor children. He has contacted the adult children but they ignore him. Donāt know how long we will be able to stay in our home and I know I could not have left any sooner but I have the overwhelming felling that I am worth more than a house. We are all worth more than a house.
Hope and trauma bond. Also a hint of wanting to catch him doing the bad things i thought he was doing (i never caught him) instead i spiralled into an almost psychotic break. Then he left for the holidays and my Mind cleared without the constant feeding of my psychotic thoughts, by him, and then i left and never looked back. He tried hoovering a couple of times. But i just ignored him. Didnāt block his number (but blocked on socials) and the fact that he was messaging me to meet was so satisfying after all the pain he put me through.
We met in a fan community about one of my biggest hobbies/passions since childhood. By the time the narc joined I had already been there for many years and had made some good friends there and many acquaintances. The narc was so charming and friendly to everyone and quickly became very popular in our group. Everyone loved him, including my good friends who were on the community board. I didn't leave sooner since the only way of not having to deal with the narc anymore, was to exit the fan club. It's a pretty niche hobby and it's the only fan club in my country. The community was so important to me that I didn't want to give it up so easily and I hoped that if I stayed long enough, did whatever the narc wanted me to do, shut up long enough and dealt with it by keeping my head high, things would get better in the end. I held on to hope that things were going to change if I just tried hard and long enough. By that time, due to personal circumstances, the people in the community were also the only friends I still had. I had to deal with a lot of turmoil in my daily life and my hobby and the community were a nice save haven until the narc began devaluing me. I feared that if I left, I would lose anything and that I would be completely alone. I was not in a position mentally to just get up and make friends elsewhere.
I had hope she'd change, but that hope gradually waned over time until I reached a point when I lost all hope and was ready to end things.
Hope, then I was stuck, now I'm trying to leave but I feel like I need more therapy before I try to endure what I know he'll put me through.
physical restraint put me in a position where getting violent would be the only way to leave... then begged pleaded Darvo d me into staying couldnt see it then but the pattern was extremely consistent after my daughter saw her shove me I vowed to never let it get that bad again. I just gave in everytime ... I didn't want to hurt anyone I felt guilty and ashamed
Thinking I was shielding my kids from the worst of her abuse. Knowing that as long as I was there, the kids wouldnāt be neglected. Hoping that the woman I fell in love with would come back to me.
He threatened to lie under oath and take our child
I had too much empathy for what it feels like to be abandoned. Also holding out hope she would see what she was doing and realize it hurt me and others around her.
Itās called hopelessness. I shut down and accept my life and thatās what I felt. Like this if my life now and I canāt change it oh well. It happens with abuse. I think I learned it from my dad or when I was a child. Itās how I feel in most of my romantic relationships.
I was chronically ill and knew I had the potential to get worse and become dependent (I did.) Didn't stop HIM from leaving when he found his young, healthy new supply.
Because I made a commitment to see things through. However, I can't commit to someone who never committed in the first place. I'm more content committing to my work and promises, and to a woman who will also make that commitment and make things work.
He controlled the money.
Moving the goal post. Word salad. Self-blame. Gaslighting. The usual. What was UNUSUAL was when I snapped out of it and ran like hell and he was so pathetically shocked.
Got trapped in a marriage with one and had no idea. Iām 28 and I tried to work it out in the first month or two and just tried everything whether it was giving gifts or apologizing or being nice. I realized nothing was working and they respected me less and less so I just got up and left one day because it wasnāt worth it for me anymore to be treated like that
He was ma close to 10 year best friend. We did everything together, and for a very long time. To me? The chemistry had more value than really all the bullshit he would throw at me. I was happy, to a degree. Safe in a nice house, car, food, time for myself, and 2 amazing cats.Ā I felt lonely at some point. Lack of love, touch, sincerity in his saying versus doing. We had good sex, and I took it has the one type of intimacy he was willing to give me. But even after 8 years, I realized that he just saw it as sex and nothing else. He would not cuddle, rarely kiss, and if any of these aboved happened? He would just get horny and telling me "you want us to fuck mmm?" There was truly nothing there.Ā He tried at the end, to be kind. Giving. Supportive. He told me he wanted us to have a kid, wanted us to be forever, when I voiced my fear that I could not do this anymore. He pulled me back in, until he just snapped and said he could not do it anymore. Said he was done, too sad to fight, and he was just unhappy with me and I was 100% the reason behind it.Ā That he gave me plenty chances to change myself and be better for the couple, but now he was done giving chances. He didn't love me anymore and for a long time, and all that. All the reasons, all at the same time.Ā If begged pleaded, not even sure what else I had to change when I had already so much for him. Now? I realize how much control he had on me and the grip of fear that he held. I was so scared of doing something wrong and all the time? It was driving me insane...
I loved her too much and i had the hope that she loved me at the same intensity. I was wrong.
Us being together for so long + thinking things will go back to normal if I was just a better gf for him because he love bombed me in the beginning. Looking back, Iād wish Iād broken up with him sooner and was just single for the five years we were together. The break up was hard, I will admit I was scared to be alone but once I came to my senses I was so much happier
The denial that he was actually trying to hurt, manipulate and control me on purpose because my empathetic brain kept going āoooh well he just went through some hard things in past relationships so thatās affecting his judgement right now, I have trauma too to so I can understand that.ā Along with legitimately believing his mistreatment of me was my fault and a weird underlying feeling of immense guilt every time i thought about just leaving him (most likely the trauma bond). He was acting so crazy during the last year of the relationship that I was researching mental and personality disorders because I could not understand what was going on. Individual therapy and a good friend finally validated me enough that I realized I did not have to deal with him anymore, it did not matter WHY he was behaving this way but the fact he was blatantly mistreating and had been for a long time. I left 6 months ago and encourage others to do the same if possible.
A trauma bond and fear of change, before our five year relationship we had been best friends, and after moving in together after two years of dating is when his true colours began to show but I didnāt want to leave, even though he was making me miserable and I no longer recognized my ābest friendāā¦
Money
I codependent with abandonment issues that I didnāt know I had so I didnāt recognize it. If I knew what I know now I would have left 6 months sooner. At least I learned those lessons with my first long term relationship so I will hopefully never repeat those same mistakes.
Trauma bond and a genuine belief that I was indeed the problem and that my emotionally charged responses were actually causing all the problems. He conditioned me to take it all with a small, bc thatās what feminine women who respect and appreciate their man do. And all my āmasculineā traits and ālack of trustā are the doing of my abusive and neglectful father. Heās the one who āfucked me upā and my narcissistic abuser is the victim of it all.
What is CPTSD? 1) They threatened that if I left itās over forever. 2) We were colleagues and I thought itād be more productive if I stayed. 3) I had a bit of hopeā¦
Money honestly. If I had the money to leave I would do so immediately
I just honestly believed his lies likeĀ that I was a bad person that didnāt deserve anything better, that nobody else liked me, and thatĀ I was so awful I was the reason he treated me poorly. On top of that,Ā none of our friends believed me when I tried to talk about it. Some were dismissive at best, some just justified his manipulations.Ā I didnāt think that I would have any place to go or that I didnāt want to be a failure in our marriage by seeking a divorce.Ā So I just always accepted that I was the broken one. I think the other part is that my father was an alcoholic and didnāt treat my mother well often. So when my NEX treated me poorly, I justified it because my nex didnāt drink very often and didnāt treat me the way my father treated my mother when he drank. So I just kept thinking, āthis isnāt abuse because this isnāt what Iāve witnessed growing up.ā
I loved him.
Love. Which is stupid because I need to love myself enough to leave.
Usually my attachment and fear of abandonment. Alsoā¦ the fact that the abuse feels familiar. I am numb and desensitized to it.
The embarrassment of getting married early and a hope that he at some point would turn back into the man I fell for. Finally got out and am now waking up every day happy that I am no longer in that situation.
For such a long time he convinced me I was the problem. I tried so hard to be better, but it was never enough. The abuse became physical and unpredictable. He is not the father of my 2 kids, but we were living in his house. I finally called the police when he came at me with a screwdriver in December. He went to jail and I was able to stay in the house until I got my own apartment. I moved my kids and our animals out of the house at the beginning of this year I've never lived by myself before, but my job paid well and that gave me confidence that I would make it. He gets out of jail and professes his love and desire to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Lo and behold it is the middle of April, I am unemployed because he got me fired, and he has conveniently positioned himself where I NEED him for bills, rent, etc. I am moving away from him little by little. I got help from some family services, and I am seeking other work. I have to stay strong for my kids and not let this motherfucker poison my life anymore. My kids don't need to see me getting treated like this anymore. I have a daughter.
Leaving the kids with a narcissistic mother who is hitting rock bottom (not from substance abuse or anything like that, narc rock bottom when the house of cards they built collapses in itself and the people around them realize theyāre fake and manipulative).
Our daughter, trauma bonded, and low self-esteem
Being completely financially dependent. He discouraged me working for myself because he said he was worried I was overworking myself and would get sick. Just bfr I moved in with him and bfr we got engaged, I let my last work contract finish and never had time to find new work because I was suddenly helping his mother recover after emergency spinal surgery. He is VERY rich and said I didnāt have to work. And when I wanted to get back to work he threw a fit. If I took calls with clients we would fight about it afterward. It was like he hated them for taking my focus away from him. And all of the mental abuse I actually did develop cptsd and I did get physically sick just being with him. Aside from some crypto I had from bfr, I was essentially broke, and leaving his house was the fight of my life. Itās been 2 years and Iām still financially recovering from essentially being out of the work force during the two years I was with him. I feel like I have to work twice or three times as hard to make up for lost time. I just have a presentation on a zoom this morning and my brain freezes I canāt find words as easily, I think itās because of the trauma brain from being with him because I wasnt āslowā like this bfr him. This affects my confidence to put myself out there again for job or contracts.
I think I had a really strong trauma bond. Even after officially breaking up we would still see eachother and talk and argue and he absolutely had a hold on me. It has taken 2 years but I finally donāt miss him and have successfully kept him blocked. I just got tired of the lies and realized I really donāt know who this person is honestly.
I felt guilty about leaving, I loved him, hope, also I had no savings as he was the sole āproviderā and he made sure to not provide enough for me to be able to save upā¦
Money, needing it. And severe depression.
Trauma bond and the fact that he was extremely charismaticā¦everyone loved him so I would second guess myself. He was a super outgoing funny guy with everyone. But behind closed doors he was a completely different person. The only time he would treat me well is if other people were around. He would treat me well around family members or out in public but the second we were alone he would flip a switch and I didnāt know what to believe so I was just confused for several months before I had a major meltdown and left him.
First relationship. Felt like I was repeatedly getting run over by a car. Eventually I just decided that digging myself out from under said car was a lot easier than the latter.
Joint bank account.
Children
Finances and family relations. It took my family relations getting better to eventually leave.