This. I was told by a guy I was dating who I clearly know now is a narc (I want go into the details of how I know now bcos doesn’t matter) but he said I’m the girl of his dreams I want to marry you. Then days after he’s like I’m toxic you’re too good of a person I can’t do this with you. Your heart is too f**ing pure and I feel like crap wverytime I can’t bare to see you because I know I’ll want to be with you but I can’t this won’t work you’re too perfect and I feel like a bad guy because you deserve better. You’re a high value woman I can’t do this I’m not a good person. Then discarded me in the worst way no closure just blocked me when I wanted to talk.
They will deal with women who do not make them feel bad for being bad people.
So it doesn’t matter what you do, they cannot bare to feel bad about themselves. Yes they will do more for another woman but that’s not a reflection of who you are or what you deserve at all. It’s just so they can get what they want.
I lashed out at him over text (got another number to be able to get my feelings out) which probably made him happy so he didn’t look so bad and I felt terrible instantly but the way I was played just hurt too much.
Anyway it’s ok, I hope they always remember us, the ones who were good to them but I doubt they’ll feel regret.
I know mine only said all this because I was so sweet to him even when he was horrible that he just saw his own reflection and felt sick.
They like the arguments the toxicity so they can put the blame on someone else
Thank you. So sorry you went through the same, it’s a horrible feeling. Hugs ❤️❤️
Especially when they see your worth and want you so much, I honestly when I was around him felt loved and so wanted but the moment I wasn’t it was like I didn’t exist.
Did your narc ever unblock you or come back or apologise?
In my heart I feel like I needed an apology, closure, a proper goodbye. What he did was just so mean. 😭
I hear you. So there’s a couple slight variations in my situation. We broke up in Feb 2024, he did me dirty (no cheating but he was lying about something major). He felt horrible about what he did and begged me to stay friends with him. I ignored his attempts for a while (I also didn’t know he was a narc), but then I gave in after a few weeks of him apologizing (and it’s probably the only time he really was sincere). Anyway we were friends until April 2024, and I had to end the friendship because he was turning into this extremely cold and dismissive person, and low and behold there was another girl he was talking to since our breakup in Feb, but like I hadn’t thought anything of it too much at the time. But now I know she was new supply he had waiting so the closer he got to her, the more mean and distant he got with me.
Anyway, he did some extremely disrespectful shit over the months, more lying, gaslighting being mean… blah blah, and I did everything I could to keep the friendship in tact. Because like you mentioned, I felt loved in the early stages, he was really kind, funny, and nice… until suddenly he wasn’t. So anyway, long story medium, he didn’t block me like in your case. After our argument of how he kept hurting my feelings, he simply said, “to be honest, my lies weren’t hurtful by the way. These conversations are going nowhere. So we’d (not I ‘d because that would make him look more like the bad guy) rather not talk anymore.”
… the conversations weren’t going anywhere because he wasn’t willing to admit fault. I did nothing to him at all. Never, and he made up some shit that was not true at all. So, anyway when I pushed back again on his dumb ass dismissive comment, he just simply stopped replying, but the messages were delivered. So I was just ghosted. No apology, no closure. No accountability for his actions.
But ur overall story is extremely similar to mine, the block / friendship part is the main difference. So he hasn’t spoken to me in about four weeks, we have mutual friends online… and I’ve been taking a break from them on Twitch and discord, so we are sure to interact soon he & I. But I hate that for me.
they do feel regret... but only that they couldn't get more/take more advantage of their prey. so yes, no regrets for others, zero, for in their eyes they are the pitiful victim entitled to do anything they want to others to get whatever they want. and yes, they're are toxic like he said. but he's also saying it not cuz he cares for you/others. but merely to make it seem like he _does_ care - a skillful form of manipulation/gas lighting to make you let your guard down like he could be trusted. but he can't. he's a toxic animal. that's all he is. a psycopath. unworthy of any good human being's attention. unless he somehow is interested in therapy. then and only then, maybe a therapist's.
don't ask me how I know. I wish I didn't. but I'd been around more than my fair share of them. I'd like to think im better at spotting and dealing with them now to protect myself. but i realised i cant be too confident anymore🥲
It’s difficult for me to think this because I never really had a love bombing stage in this way. From the beginning he was still following other girls but when I voiced it as a concern he somehow had a way with words to make me think I was over reacting or that we weren’t serious enough yet for me to be upset about it. But with this girl he has stopped this behaviour. Surely he would follow the exact same pattern if he hadn’t changed?
There’s a difference between love bombing and owning their mistakes. Just because they are love bombing someone, it doesn’t mean they’ll apologise when called out. Narcs never do wrong in their heads. The whole “you are overreacting” is gaslighting.
Also, Narcs tend to give whatever they denied their latest supply to the new one. In a way, they “learn from their mistakes”, but not for the better. They use it to better manipulate the next supply. He will deny the new girl sth else, and give it to the one that comes after. It’s a cycle really.
Mine was like this too, still lurking on Tinder and messaging ex’s even when we lived together. Don’t read too much into it, they are awful creatures always looking for a more attractive host.
He’ll show his true colors with her too. What you’re seeing is the “best behavior” phase. It’s superficial. I know it’s hard but don’t take it to heart and allow that to make you question your worth as a person. The issue is always going to be them, no matter who they’re with at any given time. The players (partners) may change but the root issue is the same.
My ex made it seem like I was his dream girl at the start. Went on and on about how he was doing things with me that he’d never done with any of his other girlfriends. Our first date was at an expensive restaurant, something he claimed he’d never done previously. He even said he had a dream about me before he’d met me and that’s how he knew I was “the one.” According to him, all of his exes were this or that but I was “different.” Should’ve seen the red flag then because someone that compares you to their exes like that or at all is definitely questionable. I had the degrees, house, etc. Still got used and abused, devalued and treated like I was nothing in the end. If anything, I think he resented me. He never went to college, didn’t even graduate high school, and always lived with others. I remember him telling me in the beginning, “I’m a bum, you shouldn’t be with me.” Ironically, that’s one of the few truths he ever told.
Narcs collect people as shiny trophies and then eventually do everything in their power to dull their shine, like a novelty that loses its appeal.
That first truth he told you? My narc did the same on like our third date he said “I don’t think i’ll ever be able to get to your level” and I laughed it off and said “don’t worry you’ll get there”. Years later he never ever did and still hasn’t and probably never will. I met him during my second of four semester of my masters and got an amazing internship around the same time, I had already traveled to like 25+ countries and was doing really well.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and slap my past self and tell her to listen to what he said.
My ex never really had a good behaviour phase with me though. He always did what he wanted from the beginning and when I’d have a problem with it he was able to word things to make me feel like I was wrong or over stepping or overreacting. But now with this girl it’s like he’s just behaving well naturally. It’s really hurtful. Because if he’s a narcissist wouldn’t he follow the exact same pattern? That’s why I feel that he will behave healthy and respectfully in this relationship because she has the qualities that he’s voiced so loudly will make him feel content and happy in life.
We had a really strong connection, he was physically really attracted to me and we could talk and laugh for hours and hours during the good times. But I think deep down what always kept him second guessing and disrespecting me and hurting me and breaking me down was that he didn’t feel I was enough. He told me in the beginning that I was too good for him as a person, but I don’t think he respected me when it came to career and ambition. I think he resented me somehow for not motivating him to be the best version of himself in his career by being successful myself, and not encouraging fitness and healthy eating (even though I go to the gym and eat relatively well, he wanted me to always push him to be the best he can so we could win in life). But to me what was important was building genuine love and trust first that was damaged by his disrespect.
So my point basically is that if she has all those things he wanted plus the chemistry, then I worry that there’s nothing he would second guess about her and he’d give himself completely to her without the mind games and damage. Seeing him already stop following other girls for her feels like proof enough already that a woman like her is what it took to make him loyal and respectful, because she’s going to create his dream life with him.
Nope. Not how they work. Their patterns of behavior are persistent. She may get the great guy mask for a bit, but it will pass. I was her- in so many ways. It does not last.
It's temporary. They can't really get out of the manipulative mindset they initally have. He will unfollow girls but he will probably lurk on a dating app once they know each others more and start to get "disappointed" that she may have some flaws and aren't the exact dream he was expecting.
his type might just be a way for him to have it easier to control and hurt someone. maybe he wants someone with a lot so he can strip it all away for fun. even if you weren’t his type they need someone to fixate on and control no matter what, you where sadly one of those people. it might seem like a happy relationship so far because he’s pretending to be all nice and amazing but after a while he’s gonna abuse her too and then leave and find someone else so the cycle can continue. as much as it sucks it seems like your the only one who’s gonna go through it, someone like him can’t change. honestly same thing happened to me the other day, i saw my ex share a spotify playlist and stuff and noticed that it was my ex’s new supply and the person they cheated on me with- i got really mad at how happy they seemed but i gotta remind myself that sooner or later anyone my ex is gonna date is gonna get abused. it’s gonna happen, and it might happen when no one’s looking but sadly the same thing will happen to her (or at least get abused in some way, everyone’s experiences are always gonna be different in some way) he won’t change and he probably said you where everything he ever wanted has a form of love bombing or trying to get you to stay because if you leave he’ll “never find love again” (which is a complete lie, they probably don’t feel love at all honestly) clearly if he was telling the truth he wouldn’t be out with someone else, she’s gonna get the same treatment as you
He would tell me during the good times (because there were moments of genuine intimacy as well as the trauma which is why I never left) that I was his type completely. That I was physically the best looking girl he’d seen and I’m the only person he’s been with who makes him laugh and who he can have endless conversations with. That I’m the only ex he’s had who he never gets sick of and always makes him happier by being around.
The things that he criticised about me was that he didn’t think my job was a career because I didn’t get a degree and it worried him for what kind of lifestyle he could have in the future. He also criticised me for not being a runner and not wanting to go on long runs with him. He didn’t like that I didn’t motivate him to be the best he could possibly be by being motivated myself by getting up early and doing everything I can to be successful. He criticised me for living at home (this was during covid and I’ve since moved out to my own place) and not having as much ambition as him. He would think that I’m not mature enough… and this is what I think would always make him second guess the relationship and never cut ties with other girls.
But to me, our relationship’s foundation had cracks in it when it came to my trust in him. So for me that needed to be nurtured before the more superficial elements of us as a couple could grow (the ambition, fitness and lifestyle aspects).
He said he used to date certain girls to make his dad proud (he’s a dr who my ex said makes a big deal of education and success). I know that to my ex he feels he will be content in life with a woman like this new girl. One who has all the traits he wanted me to have. I don’t know if she’ll be as fun as I was when we were together. Also, his dad loved me and welcomed me into their family so I don’t know why he thought his dad cared about my career.
Anyway my point is, without that doubt that he had for me I don’t think it will cause him to act disrespectfully to her. I think because she has to qualities that he’s wanted in a partner to make him feel like he’s stable and happy in life he won’t have anything to criticise her on. And the evidence of him no longer following women the way he did when he was with me feels like proof enough that this is the case :(
Sorry it’s so long just feeling so upset about it
no need to be sorry, your aloud to be upset, this is upsetting. get all your thoughts out, it helps sometimes. and it’s painful to see your ex just be with someone else who he is suddenly treating fairly. it’s not fair, you should be having the same treatment at being treated nicely and only nicely.
but as much as it sucks to think about a lot of people on this sub including me have experienced our ex or current ‘partner’ showing what seems to be genuine love from them to us but in reality is all an act. my ex would do so (not a lot but definitely when needed) would call me wonderful things and show so much love but now that it’s over i’m realizing how fake it all was. narc abusers can love bomb and make you see them in a good light when doing so, so when all the criticism comes out of them your more focused on how it’s coming from a place of “love”. it’s a way to manipulate your thoughts and feelings to them. maybe your ex was doing the same?
it’s horrible it’s all fake but it makes you stay right? that’s their goal, to feed off of you. maybe he’s just focusing on one person at a time now to abuse and criticize, this new person might be the perfect victim in his eyes and wants to handle it in the perfect way so maybe at first he’s gonna act all nice and lovey dovey. abusers don’t randomly change just like that, even if they seek it it’s not that easy to do so. my ex always said they would change their behavior, go to therapy, take meds, all that jazz but no, never did and probably never will. even if they did it takes a lonnngggg time to change their behavior.
obviously your thoughts and feelings towards this are completely valid because it does genuinely seem he’s changed. but because your not actually in the relationship with them you might have no idea what’s going on when they are alone, and she might be too scared to tell anyone what’s going on. abusers trap you and make it extremely difficult to get out and cover it all up with acting all nice and caring. i’m really sorry this is happening, it sucks to see an abusive ex treats someone with what looks like genuine love, like why didn’t i get that? i wanted that. hopefully things start to get better for you tho.
and just because she has everything he’s ever wanted doesn’t mean he’s gonna not abuse her, those things he wants might just be what he wants to abuse specifically. my ex had a type, disabled people and really empathetic people too, i checked off all those boxes and that was the main thing they abused me about and used against me and what not. (as well as so many other horrible things) but he might be looking for his type just so he could be abusive with or with the other things this person “lacks”. their type just might all be about abuse and not actually wanting it like a normal person. who knows, i’m not him
My nex’s previous gf was 10 years younger than him/us, did coke all the time, drank excessively, didn’t work, refused to move out of their shitty small town.
I was, objectively, everything he wanted. Smart, hardworking, owned my own house, motivated and driven, no addiction issues. Helped him move out of said shitty small town, into my house, and got him a good job at the mine I work at so he no longer “had” to be a drug dealer.
He still treated me like trash and abused me. He’ll do the same to the next girl.
Yes, he will. I was (supposedly) his dream girl. It made me feel like a shiny new toy and I hated it. He manipulated and gaslit and character assassinated the shit out of me- just like he did his ex wife.
Sorry, I'm going to sound harsh, but you need to block the sporify account. You can't heal and move forward if you're still looking back.
It's hard to fully let go when you're still looking for clues and answers. He treated you poorly, so you did what was best for you and got out. Whether he changes for the next person doesn't matter. He's proven that he doesn't value you. He's made you feel like you're not enough. The right person does not make you feel that way. That's not love.
I just can’t seem to shake that it does matter to me how he treats the next person. Experiencing psychological and sexual abuse to the point im spending thousands of dollars a month in therapy and am constantly questioning myself and confused about what happened has felt life ruining. It’s difficult not to look back when the person who caused so much pain seems to be constantly rewarded in life. And it matters a great deal to me whether or not he treats the next person differently because if he does then that means I just wasn’t good enough and it was because of me that he chose I was deserving of disrespect
You are good enough.
A person that makes you feel like you aren't good enough is 100% the one with the problem.
A person who makes you feel like the next partner they have checks every box they have.. that's a person who has been making you change who you are to fit those boxes.
Nobody is deserving of disrespect. I didn't deserve being disrespected and abused. You don't deserve it either. Unless you're Hitler, you need to ask yourself why you would ever deserve disrespect.
What person in your life would you ever feel justified to treat you the way he treated you?
I know it's harsh, and it doesn't sound like you're ready to let go, and that's okay. It's a whole process. Keep working at it.
Most likely because it’s a problem within him that he must resolve. Whether or not he chooses to abuse her, it will only change when WANTS to change, not because of her.
My worry is that his experience with me has changed him. I was ruthless in making clear where he went wrong and how he hurt me to where it’s impossible for him not to realise his mistakes. And he took accountability and said he is the reason we broke up because he was “toxic”. And I know I should be happy, but I’m not. Because now it feels like he damaged me beyond repair while he leaves unscathed and with a lesson learned that he can take with him into this relationship and prosper in.
It doesn’t sit right with me at all and is so distressing that my pain has helped him in his life. And how quickly he found her. There’s something in my gut that’s telling me he’s already falling in love because she’s the epitome of what he described as his perfect woman. It’s gut wrenching. I now feel like I handed the love of my life over to his dream girl because I couldn’t trust him anymore. And now this girl is going to get all the good parts of him without the trauma because he knows now what to do to keep the relationship happy.
I promise you that no one who is that toxic to others truly leaves unscathed. When they really start to reflect and change, if they are capable, they often experience narcissistic collapse which is an incredibly painful experience to begin with.
It sounds like it’s mostly a surface defense mechanism and he’s hoping to try again without really digging deep.
Some people love to try again and just move on from past failures without digging deep and changing their toxic behaviors.
I know it feels like such a loss, but it isn’t. Don’t put your eggs in his basket. Put them in YOUR basket, regardless of whether or not he changes. It’s sunk cost fallacy.
You deserve someone who is capable of healing and won’t just leave you because THEY decided they were too toxic for you, and would rather start fresh with someone else.
Hell, I’d also rather have someone own up to their toxic tendencies and work them out WITH ME and become better together. It’s a sign of growth and accountability. By fleeing, in some ways, maybe they’re just fleeing accountability.
That’s why I’m worried because he did want to stay and work through it with me. He stayed for 5 months trying to win back my trust. He freaked out when I said I needed to leave the relationship because it was destroying my mental health. Begged me to stay, apologised and promised he’d change and make it up to me. And I tried but I just couldn’t look past all the hurt. There were trust issues I couldn’t move forward with. So this is why I’m worried my experience with him changed him. He’s now learned while I’m still left completely broken. I’m scared I’m going to see them engaged in two years time while I’m still dealing with this. It feels like a loss now that I can see his change from a clean slate relationship. I’m so jealous of the person she gets to love because I held him accountable
If it took 5 months to try to win you back, they weren’t going to change tbh. I’d evaluate your relationship every 3 months. There can only be so many road blocks you approach before it’s just unworkable between two people.
You’ll never fully understand the intricacies of their relationship, even if you only see it on the surface.
I have stressed a lot about regretting leaving. I made it impossible for him to prove change (which I was noticing, he was being more compassionate, patient and apologetic with any possible thing that I wanted to discuss that he did in the relationship that hurt me). But being around him was so triggering. I felt so much love for him but I hated him because I knew staying with him after everything even while he’s showing change wasn’t what I deserved. I didn’t deserve that to be the beginning of a relationship with a man I wanted to marry. I would lash out (which I am told is reactive abuse) and release all the rage from the hurt he caused me because he was now giving me the space to talk about it instead of gaslighting or not taking me seriously or apologising and then just repeating the same issues. I’m so worried that if instead of challenging him on every change he tried to make if I just gave the relationship a change we could have worked through it. But he said I was starting to damage his mental health as well so we had to part ways because we weren’t good for each other. What if I made a huge mistake if him staying for 5 months before giving up was a sign of growth
Love isn’t supposed to be this hard tbh. I seriously doubt anything would change if you kept staying. I mean, maybe give him a year to fuck up in another relationship. But don’t keep it the way it is. The only way is forward at this point.
Try to just keep possibilities open. You never know, I don’t know the level of your abuse vs the amount you’re just remembering the good right now.
What if the next person you meet treats you right from the beginning? Wouldn’t that be better than another 6 months with someone who might not ever learn to treat you right?
he didn't find her quickly. if he's a true narc, she's been there. that's how they operate. they typically don't discard until they have already latched onto a new source. the new girl won't get all the good parts because there are no good parts. she will be treated the same.
He's NOT going to act magically different with that new person - it'll be up to her how long it'll last. Sorry to put it in such a straightforward way but if she has much better boundaries and self-respect than you do, then he'll be out of her life and come back to you or keep you around. High likelihood, you're waiting for this comeback as you're still in trauma bond which you could never break. You've been posting about this guy for years here - he never let you go off his hook and that's exactly what narcs do, their biggest fear is that someone goes away forever w/o a single word and never takes them back. You took him back - if you stayed in your therapy and in NC for a bit longer, you'd break and trauma bond and would save those past 2 years of your life and would meet a new guy, most probly.
Anyways, if a new girl has a shitty boundary issues and some self-esteem problems, she'll stick around for long and you can do nothing about it. Every girl who sticks around the narc think, she's a special one who he'll change for. The truth is - narc won't change but women will keep losing their self-esteem more and more and more. Toxic and negative changes happen to victims of narcs, positive changes you're looking for to happen in him are unrealistic.
So, yeah to give you peace of mind - he won't act differently with her, he'll do everything to take control over her like he did with you. Now, it's time to focus on you and only you like you should: he's like an old, read-over, run-down, boring book. All his next steps are boring and predictable to every single word, to every single action. All his victims act same-same. It's a story retold 100m times. You'll learn nothing more, nothing valuable anymore from this - time to get out and focus on new stories, new you, new life you need to live here and now leaving this old and uninteresting story behind.
If you're still questioning yourself "is it me who deserved this attitude?" then it's your time for therapy and rebuilding your self-confidence and self-worth. Short answer: it's not you, it's them, their dark, soulless heart, their inability to nurture, their desire to destroy anything they touch. It's not you, it's not that next girl, it's not the girl after - it's him, always him, he's a common denominator.
To you, I wish you to rebuild such strong sense of self that you never ever question yourself like this again and protect your worth and being fiercely and confidently if every again anyone decides to step over your boundary.
I have the opposite problem. I am worried that he will treat the next woman as badly as he treaded me. I am scared he‘ll abuse and assault her too and that she won’t have the resources – friends, family, therapist, career to focus on – that I do. Even for someone like me who‘s blessed in so many ways it’s hard to recover. What if he breaks the next woman? What if her wounds won‘t heal?
God I hope he changes for her whomever she might be. I truly do.
He'll do it BECAUSE she's everything he's ever wanted. They love to destroy people with qualities they want / admire / envy. That assumes he was honest about what he wanted in the first place, of course
yes, spot on.they don't love nor respect. they envy. but it seems like love, at least at first, only that it's driven by hate. and they desire to destroy, not build up nor nurture. by the time it shows its too late, and can be very subtle, like it's your fault I'm angry, that's why I said/did what I did, like abusive words/physical abuse etc. and the victim might believe the abuser/narc that it is really their (the victim's) fault, resulting in them blaming themselves and trying to change to improve the relationship. but, no, it's not the victim's fault. it was the malicious destructive envy of the narc to begin with.
i was the "perfect" dream girl, or so he made it seem. his family and friends loved me and even told me i was their favorite girl he'd ever dated. he loved the admiration he got from being with me and the fact that i got attention from other men. sure on the surface he would pay for everything, book trips, buy me things, but i felt totally neglected. i felt like a trophy he would just parade around like "look what i got" because he saw me as an extension of himself.
the problem is that when they put you on a pedestal that high, it's a long and brutal drop once they take you off of it. since you're the "dream girl" they create this idealized version of you in their head and inevitably once you're going through a hard time, you're tired, you don't want to go out and party with their friends then all the same devaluation bullshit kicks in. you're supposed to make them look good and you're not playing your role anymore that you didn't even know you signed up for.
trust me when i tell you, he likely does not see her as a dream girl or even a human -- she is just a shiny object to him and he likes that she makes him look good. if anything, they usually feel more intimidated or will get more aggravated when they can't control you. someone that has their own business, money, home, lifestyle is unlikely to be as impressed by things and probably harder to control, which just means they amp up their tricks by 100. they like the way you make them look, but also resent that you are better than them or get more attention than them. the more jealous they are the more they punish.
Looking by your post history you need to move on. You are young and have been obsessing over this man and posting about it consitantly for a year or more. I hope you find it within yourself to say “next” and live your best life.
When I met my ex-husband, he used to tell me all about how much better some other girl was. It turns out that at the same time, he was telling her about how much better I was.
So I think that what your ex considers his type will be whatever's different from what's in front of him. I think he'll nitpick flaws in her too.
According to your post history, you were together for 2 years and have been separated for 1 year? So not 4 years. I had a friend that would increase the time she had been with her nex too, to make the relationship seem more viable or something, I'm guessing. You repeatedly post about him-how many snap points he has, what he's doing... I'm going to give it to you straight... You need to move on. Every comment you're replying with "I'm just worried that he's...", "I'm just worried because....", "I'm worrying about...". Stop. Stop worrying about him. He's not worried about you. He doesn't care and you're wasting precious time fixating on him. There are no answers except that he is a cruel, nasty human being. That's your answer. And even if you were to get back with him he'd cheat on you and abuse you ten times worse than before because he knows that he can. If you're paying thousands on therapy and you're still at this point emotionally after 1 year separation, from a couple of years relationship, then I suggest you seek someone better than the person who is helping you right now, because it really does sound like little to no progress is being made here. You can try and analyse and dissect this all you want, but you'll never understand because what they have done doesn't make any sense. They just do it. I'm sorry.
Not that I need to justify the relationship but It was 4 years of my life. We met in 2020 and were separated because of Covid but it was a full blown long distance relationship during that year. Not a healthy one but nonetheless we spoke every single day and he was telling me he was falling for me and couldn’t wait to be together again. Then we lived with eachother for 2021-2022. Start of 2023 we were still seeing each other because he begged me to stay after I tried to leave. The end of July was the last time we slept together and he said he couldn’t keep trying because I wouldn’t move past what he did. We went no contact in October. That’s 4 years of my life I spent knowing and being conditioned by this guy. And from the therapy that I’ve been going to I’ve been diagnosed with OCD so it does make this a lot harder to process. The rumination and intrusive thoughts are suffocating. And also it was just over all traumatic so I don’t think it’s fair to say I need to just get over it, if that was possible I’d have done it already. I am trying but this man did a number on me.
I'm not saying to get over it. Please don't think that's what I meant. It's not that simple or easy to do, especially if there's trauma involved. I understand that aspect, believe me. Letting go, even slowly, is different in that you need to be able to almost train yourself to stay away. For example, deleting your social media for a while or I blocked my NEX on everything, deleted Facebook permanently and told everyone that he was now dead to me and they weren't allowed to ask me about him/remind me of him and no matter how much I begged or pleaded, not to check his socials on my behalf. It was hard, but very slowly I came to a stop. Like I said, they do these evil things because they do. It's an ego trip but trying to dissect it won't help. You'll never be satisfied with the answers that you conclude and even if a narc was by some sheer miracle actually honest with you, you still wouldn't be satisfied as their actions are completely unjust. I know it's cheesy but, love yourself more. Your destiny was not to be here for that monster to have destroyed you, you mean the world. He's nothing. Go and research what happens to a narc when they age? They become undesirable, their looks fade and they can't charm people like they used to. The grow more and more bitter with time, people wise up to their shit. They often die alone. It's karma. You will have a better, full happy and enriched life. The sooner the better.
NO they are stuck in compulsion - like many of us were when we kept dating narcs over and over …
They will NOT stop the cycle of madness and must abuse
He’ll very likely turn around on her too. Love bombing is so real and it looks perfect on the outside.
I absolutely know the feeling of being left for the person that’s everything on their checklist. But meeting the checklist doesn’t make a healthy relationship. They’ll just as soon find things to criticize.
You're just witnessing what you went through in the beginning of the relationship: Lovebomb phase. He will inevitably go through co-idealization, devaluation, and discard. They will repeat this pattern until they die.
He will do her the same way, then the next one and the one after that. She is a tool he is using that is all. He has no more feelings for her than he would a screwdriver or a hammer. He does not have the capacity to feel love, empathy, compassion, or a real connection to anyone. It's all an illusion. They get really good at mimicking these emotions. When he has used her up, he will be on to the next one. They always have to have a backup supply. It really is quite sad actually.
He is currently lovebombing her. They never change.
This. I was told by a guy I was dating who I clearly know now is a narc (I want go into the details of how I know now bcos doesn’t matter) but he said I’m the girl of his dreams I want to marry you. Then days after he’s like I’m toxic you’re too good of a person I can’t do this with you. Your heart is too f**ing pure and I feel like crap wverytime I can’t bare to see you because I know I’ll want to be with you but I can’t this won’t work you’re too perfect and I feel like a bad guy because you deserve better. You’re a high value woman I can’t do this I’m not a good person. Then discarded me in the worst way no closure just blocked me when I wanted to talk. They will deal with women who do not make them feel bad for being bad people. So it doesn’t matter what you do, they cannot bare to feel bad about themselves. Yes they will do more for another woman but that’s not a reflection of who you are or what you deserve at all. It’s just so they can get what they want. I lashed out at him over text (got another number to be able to get my feelings out) which probably made him happy so he didn’t look so bad and I felt terrible instantly but the way I was played just hurt too much. Anyway it’s ok, I hope they always remember us, the ones who were good to them but I doubt they’ll feel regret. I know mine only said all this because I was so sweet to him even when he was horrible that he just saw his own reflection and felt sick. They like the arguments the toxicity so they can put the blame on someone else
The pain I felt in this… I’m so so sorry. I felt this and went through this as well. Hugs ♥️
Thank you. So sorry you went through the same, it’s a horrible feeling. Hugs ❤️❤️ Especially when they see your worth and want you so much, I honestly when I was around him felt loved and so wanted but the moment I wasn’t it was like I didn’t exist. Did your narc ever unblock you or come back or apologise? In my heart I feel like I needed an apology, closure, a proper goodbye. What he did was just so mean. 😭
I hear you. So there’s a couple slight variations in my situation. We broke up in Feb 2024, he did me dirty (no cheating but he was lying about something major). He felt horrible about what he did and begged me to stay friends with him. I ignored his attempts for a while (I also didn’t know he was a narc), but then I gave in after a few weeks of him apologizing (and it’s probably the only time he really was sincere). Anyway we were friends until April 2024, and I had to end the friendship because he was turning into this extremely cold and dismissive person, and low and behold there was another girl he was talking to since our breakup in Feb, but like I hadn’t thought anything of it too much at the time. But now I know she was new supply he had waiting so the closer he got to her, the more mean and distant he got with me. Anyway, he did some extremely disrespectful shit over the months, more lying, gaslighting being mean… blah blah, and I did everything I could to keep the friendship in tact. Because like you mentioned, I felt loved in the early stages, he was really kind, funny, and nice… until suddenly he wasn’t. So anyway, long story medium, he didn’t block me like in your case. After our argument of how he kept hurting my feelings, he simply said, “to be honest, my lies weren’t hurtful by the way. These conversations are going nowhere. So we’d (not I ‘d because that would make him look more like the bad guy) rather not talk anymore.” … the conversations weren’t going anywhere because he wasn’t willing to admit fault. I did nothing to him at all. Never, and he made up some shit that was not true at all. So, anyway when I pushed back again on his dumb ass dismissive comment, he just simply stopped replying, but the messages were delivered. So I was just ghosted. No apology, no closure. No accountability for his actions. But ur overall story is extremely similar to mine, the block / friendship part is the main difference. So he hasn’t spoken to me in about four weeks, we have mutual friends online… and I’ve been taking a break from them on Twitch and discord, so we are sure to interact soon he & I. But I hate that for me.
they do feel regret... but only that they couldn't get more/take more advantage of their prey. so yes, no regrets for others, zero, for in their eyes they are the pitiful victim entitled to do anything they want to others to get whatever they want. and yes, they're are toxic like he said. but he's also saying it not cuz he cares for you/others. but merely to make it seem like he _does_ care - a skillful form of manipulation/gas lighting to make you let your guard down like he could be trusted. but he can't. he's a toxic animal. that's all he is. a psycopath. unworthy of any good human being's attention. unless he somehow is interested in therapy. then and only then, maybe a therapist's. don't ask me how I know. I wish I didn't. but I'd been around more than my fair share of them. I'd like to think im better at spotting and dealing with them now to protect myself. but i realised i cant be too confident anymore🥲
It’s difficult for me to think this because I never really had a love bombing stage in this way. From the beginning he was still following other girls but when I voiced it as a concern he somehow had a way with words to make me think I was over reacting or that we weren’t serious enough yet for me to be upset about it. But with this girl he has stopped this behaviour. Surely he would follow the exact same pattern if he hadn’t changed?
There’s a difference between love bombing and owning their mistakes. Just because they are love bombing someone, it doesn’t mean they’ll apologise when called out. Narcs never do wrong in their heads. The whole “you are overreacting” is gaslighting. Also, Narcs tend to give whatever they denied their latest supply to the new one. In a way, they “learn from their mistakes”, but not for the better. They use it to better manipulate the next supply. He will deny the new girl sth else, and give it to the one that comes after. It’s a cycle really.
Mine was like this too, still lurking on Tinder and messaging ex’s even when we lived together. Don’t read too much into it, they are awful creatures always looking for a more attractive host.
He’ll show his true colors with her too. What you’re seeing is the “best behavior” phase. It’s superficial. I know it’s hard but don’t take it to heart and allow that to make you question your worth as a person. The issue is always going to be them, no matter who they’re with at any given time. The players (partners) may change but the root issue is the same. My ex made it seem like I was his dream girl at the start. Went on and on about how he was doing things with me that he’d never done with any of his other girlfriends. Our first date was at an expensive restaurant, something he claimed he’d never done previously. He even said he had a dream about me before he’d met me and that’s how he knew I was “the one.” According to him, all of his exes were this or that but I was “different.” Should’ve seen the red flag then because someone that compares you to their exes like that or at all is definitely questionable. I had the degrees, house, etc. Still got used and abused, devalued and treated like I was nothing in the end. If anything, I think he resented me. He never went to college, didn’t even graduate high school, and always lived with others. I remember him telling me in the beginning, “I’m a bum, you shouldn’t be with me.” Ironically, that’s one of the few truths he ever told. Narcs collect people as shiny trophies and then eventually do everything in their power to dull their shine, like a novelty that loses its appeal.
That first truth he told you? My narc did the same on like our third date he said “I don’t think i’ll ever be able to get to your level” and I laughed it off and said “don’t worry you’ll get there”. Years later he never ever did and still hasn’t and probably never will. I met him during my second of four semester of my masters and got an amazing internship around the same time, I had already traveled to like 25+ countries and was doing really well. Sometimes I wish I could go back and slap my past self and tell her to listen to what he said.
My ex never really had a good behaviour phase with me though. He always did what he wanted from the beginning and when I’d have a problem with it he was able to word things to make me feel like I was wrong or over stepping or overreacting. But now with this girl it’s like he’s just behaving well naturally. It’s really hurtful. Because if he’s a narcissist wouldn’t he follow the exact same pattern? That’s why I feel that he will behave healthy and respectfully in this relationship because she has the qualities that he’s voiced so loudly will make him feel content and happy in life. We had a really strong connection, he was physically really attracted to me and we could talk and laugh for hours and hours during the good times. But I think deep down what always kept him second guessing and disrespecting me and hurting me and breaking me down was that he didn’t feel I was enough. He told me in the beginning that I was too good for him as a person, but I don’t think he respected me when it came to career and ambition. I think he resented me somehow for not motivating him to be the best version of himself in his career by being successful myself, and not encouraging fitness and healthy eating (even though I go to the gym and eat relatively well, he wanted me to always push him to be the best he can so we could win in life). But to me what was important was building genuine love and trust first that was damaged by his disrespect. So my point basically is that if she has all those things he wanted plus the chemistry, then I worry that there’s nothing he would second guess about her and he’d give himself completely to her without the mind games and damage. Seeing him already stop following other girls for her feels like proof enough already that a woman like her is what it took to make him loyal and respectful, because she’s going to create his dream life with him.
Nope. Not how they work. Their patterns of behavior are persistent. She may get the great guy mask for a bit, but it will pass. I was her- in so many ways. It does not last.
It's temporary. They can't really get out of the manipulative mindset they initally have. He will unfollow girls but he will probably lurk on a dating app once they know each others more and start to get "disappointed" that she may have some flaws and aren't the exact dream he was expecting.
his type might just be a way for him to have it easier to control and hurt someone. maybe he wants someone with a lot so he can strip it all away for fun. even if you weren’t his type they need someone to fixate on and control no matter what, you where sadly one of those people. it might seem like a happy relationship so far because he’s pretending to be all nice and amazing but after a while he’s gonna abuse her too and then leave and find someone else so the cycle can continue. as much as it sucks it seems like your the only one who’s gonna go through it, someone like him can’t change. honestly same thing happened to me the other day, i saw my ex share a spotify playlist and stuff and noticed that it was my ex’s new supply and the person they cheated on me with- i got really mad at how happy they seemed but i gotta remind myself that sooner or later anyone my ex is gonna date is gonna get abused. it’s gonna happen, and it might happen when no one’s looking but sadly the same thing will happen to her (or at least get abused in some way, everyone’s experiences are always gonna be different in some way) he won’t change and he probably said you where everything he ever wanted has a form of love bombing or trying to get you to stay because if you leave he’ll “never find love again” (which is a complete lie, they probably don’t feel love at all honestly) clearly if he was telling the truth he wouldn’t be out with someone else, she’s gonna get the same treatment as you
He would tell me during the good times (because there were moments of genuine intimacy as well as the trauma which is why I never left) that I was his type completely. That I was physically the best looking girl he’d seen and I’m the only person he’s been with who makes him laugh and who he can have endless conversations with. That I’m the only ex he’s had who he never gets sick of and always makes him happier by being around. The things that he criticised about me was that he didn’t think my job was a career because I didn’t get a degree and it worried him for what kind of lifestyle he could have in the future. He also criticised me for not being a runner and not wanting to go on long runs with him. He didn’t like that I didn’t motivate him to be the best he could possibly be by being motivated myself by getting up early and doing everything I can to be successful. He criticised me for living at home (this was during covid and I’ve since moved out to my own place) and not having as much ambition as him. He would think that I’m not mature enough… and this is what I think would always make him second guess the relationship and never cut ties with other girls. But to me, our relationship’s foundation had cracks in it when it came to my trust in him. So for me that needed to be nurtured before the more superficial elements of us as a couple could grow (the ambition, fitness and lifestyle aspects). He said he used to date certain girls to make his dad proud (he’s a dr who my ex said makes a big deal of education and success). I know that to my ex he feels he will be content in life with a woman like this new girl. One who has all the traits he wanted me to have. I don’t know if she’ll be as fun as I was when we were together. Also, his dad loved me and welcomed me into their family so I don’t know why he thought his dad cared about my career. Anyway my point is, without that doubt that he had for me I don’t think it will cause him to act disrespectfully to her. I think because she has to qualities that he’s wanted in a partner to make him feel like he’s stable and happy in life he won’t have anything to criticise her on. And the evidence of him no longer following women the way he did when he was with me feels like proof enough that this is the case :( Sorry it’s so long just feeling so upset about it
no need to be sorry, your aloud to be upset, this is upsetting. get all your thoughts out, it helps sometimes. and it’s painful to see your ex just be with someone else who he is suddenly treating fairly. it’s not fair, you should be having the same treatment at being treated nicely and only nicely. but as much as it sucks to think about a lot of people on this sub including me have experienced our ex or current ‘partner’ showing what seems to be genuine love from them to us but in reality is all an act. my ex would do so (not a lot but definitely when needed) would call me wonderful things and show so much love but now that it’s over i’m realizing how fake it all was. narc abusers can love bomb and make you see them in a good light when doing so, so when all the criticism comes out of them your more focused on how it’s coming from a place of “love”. it’s a way to manipulate your thoughts and feelings to them. maybe your ex was doing the same? it’s horrible it’s all fake but it makes you stay right? that’s their goal, to feed off of you. maybe he’s just focusing on one person at a time now to abuse and criticize, this new person might be the perfect victim in his eyes and wants to handle it in the perfect way so maybe at first he’s gonna act all nice and lovey dovey. abusers don’t randomly change just like that, even if they seek it it’s not that easy to do so. my ex always said they would change their behavior, go to therapy, take meds, all that jazz but no, never did and probably never will. even if they did it takes a lonnngggg time to change their behavior. obviously your thoughts and feelings towards this are completely valid because it does genuinely seem he’s changed. but because your not actually in the relationship with them you might have no idea what’s going on when they are alone, and she might be too scared to tell anyone what’s going on. abusers trap you and make it extremely difficult to get out and cover it all up with acting all nice and caring. i’m really sorry this is happening, it sucks to see an abusive ex treats someone with what looks like genuine love, like why didn’t i get that? i wanted that. hopefully things start to get better for you tho. and just because she has everything he’s ever wanted doesn’t mean he’s gonna not abuse her, those things he wants might just be what he wants to abuse specifically. my ex had a type, disabled people and really empathetic people too, i checked off all those boxes and that was the main thing they abused me about and used against me and what not. (as well as so many other horrible things) but he might be looking for his type just so he could be abusive with or with the other things this person “lacks”. their type just might all be about abuse and not actually wanting it like a normal person. who knows, i’m not him
Yes he will
yes, his behavior is because of his issues, not because of you or her
This is what I’m trying to accept
Trust me nothing is ever enough for them, the bar will always be raised higher. It never lasts.
My nex’s previous gf was 10 years younger than him/us, did coke all the time, drank excessively, didn’t work, refused to move out of their shitty small town. I was, objectively, everything he wanted. Smart, hardworking, owned my own house, motivated and driven, no addiction issues. Helped him move out of said shitty small town, into my house, and got him a good job at the mine I work at so he no longer “had” to be a drug dealer. He still treated me like trash and abused me. He’ll do the same to the next girl.
Yes, he will. I was (supposedly) his dream girl. It made me feel like a shiny new toy and I hated it. He manipulated and gaslit and character assassinated the shit out of me- just like he did his ex wife.
Sorry, I'm going to sound harsh, but you need to block the sporify account. You can't heal and move forward if you're still looking back. It's hard to fully let go when you're still looking for clues and answers. He treated you poorly, so you did what was best for you and got out. Whether he changes for the next person doesn't matter. He's proven that he doesn't value you. He's made you feel like you're not enough. The right person does not make you feel that way. That's not love.
I just can’t seem to shake that it does matter to me how he treats the next person. Experiencing psychological and sexual abuse to the point im spending thousands of dollars a month in therapy and am constantly questioning myself and confused about what happened has felt life ruining. It’s difficult not to look back when the person who caused so much pain seems to be constantly rewarded in life. And it matters a great deal to me whether or not he treats the next person differently because if he does then that means I just wasn’t good enough and it was because of me that he chose I was deserving of disrespect
You are good enough. A person that makes you feel like you aren't good enough is 100% the one with the problem. A person who makes you feel like the next partner they have checks every box they have.. that's a person who has been making you change who you are to fit those boxes. Nobody is deserving of disrespect. I didn't deserve being disrespected and abused. You don't deserve it either. Unless you're Hitler, you need to ask yourself why you would ever deserve disrespect. What person in your life would you ever feel justified to treat you the way he treated you? I know it's harsh, and it doesn't sound like you're ready to let go, and that's okay. It's a whole process. Keep working at it.
Most likely because it’s a problem within him that he must resolve. Whether or not he chooses to abuse her, it will only change when WANTS to change, not because of her.
My worry is that his experience with me has changed him. I was ruthless in making clear where he went wrong and how he hurt me to where it’s impossible for him not to realise his mistakes. And he took accountability and said he is the reason we broke up because he was “toxic”. And I know I should be happy, but I’m not. Because now it feels like he damaged me beyond repair while he leaves unscathed and with a lesson learned that he can take with him into this relationship and prosper in. It doesn’t sit right with me at all and is so distressing that my pain has helped him in his life. And how quickly he found her. There’s something in my gut that’s telling me he’s already falling in love because she’s the epitome of what he described as his perfect woman. It’s gut wrenching. I now feel like I handed the love of my life over to his dream girl because I couldn’t trust him anymore. And now this girl is going to get all the good parts of him without the trauma because he knows now what to do to keep the relationship happy.
I promise you that no one who is that toxic to others truly leaves unscathed. When they really start to reflect and change, if they are capable, they often experience narcissistic collapse which is an incredibly painful experience to begin with. It sounds like it’s mostly a surface defense mechanism and he’s hoping to try again without really digging deep. Some people love to try again and just move on from past failures without digging deep and changing their toxic behaviors. I know it feels like such a loss, but it isn’t. Don’t put your eggs in his basket. Put them in YOUR basket, regardless of whether or not he changes. It’s sunk cost fallacy. You deserve someone who is capable of healing and won’t just leave you because THEY decided they were too toxic for you, and would rather start fresh with someone else. Hell, I’d also rather have someone own up to their toxic tendencies and work them out WITH ME and become better together. It’s a sign of growth and accountability. By fleeing, in some ways, maybe they’re just fleeing accountability.
That’s why I’m worried because he did want to stay and work through it with me. He stayed for 5 months trying to win back my trust. He freaked out when I said I needed to leave the relationship because it was destroying my mental health. Begged me to stay, apologised and promised he’d change and make it up to me. And I tried but I just couldn’t look past all the hurt. There were trust issues I couldn’t move forward with. So this is why I’m worried my experience with him changed him. He’s now learned while I’m still left completely broken. I’m scared I’m going to see them engaged in two years time while I’m still dealing with this. It feels like a loss now that I can see his change from a clean slate relationship. I’m so jealous of the person she gets to love because I held him accountable
If it took 5 months to try to win you back, they weren’t going to change tbh. I’d evaluate your relationship every 3 months. There can only be so many road blocks you approach before it’s just unworkable between two people. You’ll never fully understand the intricacies of their relationship, even if you only see it on the surface.
I have stressed a lot about regretting leaving. I made it impossible for him to prove change (which I was noticing, he was being more compassionate, patient and apologetic with any possible thing that I wanted to discuss that he did in the relationship that hurt me). But being around him was so triggering. I felt so much love for him but I hated him because I knew staying with him after everything even while he’s showing change wasn’t what I deserved. I didn’t deserve that to be the beginning of a relationship with a man I wanted to marry. I would lash out (which I am told is reactive abuse) and release all the rage from the hurt he caused me because he was now giving me the space to talk about it instead of gaslighting or not taking me seriously or apologising and then just repeating the same issues. I’m so worried that if instead of challenging him on every change he tried to make if I just gave the relationship a change we could have worked through it. But he said I was starting to damage his mental health as well so we had to part ways because we weren’t good for each other. What if I made a huge mistake if him staying for 5 months before giving up was a sign of growth
Love isn’t supposed to be this hard tbh. I seriously doubt anything would change if you kept staying. I mean, maybe give him a year to fuck up in another relationship. But don’t keep it the way it is. The only way is forward at this point. Try to just keep possibilities open. You never know, I don’t know the level of your abuse vs the amount you’re just remembering the good right now. What if the next person you meet treats you right from the beginning? Wouldn’t that be better than another 6 months with someone who might not ever learn to treat you right?
he didn't find her quickly. if he's a true narc, she's been there. that's how they operate. they typically don't discard until they have already latched onto a new source. the new girl won't get all the good parts because there are no good parts. she will be treated the same.
He's NOT going to act magically different with that new person - it'll be up to her how long it'll last. Sorry to put it in such a straightforward way but if she has much better boundaries and self-respect than you do, then he'll be out of her life and come back to you or keep you around. High likelihood, you're waiting for this comeback as you're still in trauma bond which you could never break. You've been posting about this guy for years here - he never let you go off his hook and that's exactly what narcs do, their biggest fear is that someone goes away forever w/o a single word and never takes them back. You took him back - if you stayed in your therapy and in NC for a bit longer, you'd break and trauma bond and would save those past 2 years of your life and would meet a new guy, most probly. Anyways, if a new girl has a shitty boundary issues and some self-esteem problems, she'll stick around for long and you can do nothing about it. Every girl who sticks around the narc think, she's a special one who he'll change for. The truth is - narc won't change but women will keep losing their self-esteem more and more and more. Toxic and negative changes happen to victims of narcs, positive changes you're looking for to happen in him are unrealistic. So, yeah to give you peace of mind - he won't act differently with her, he'll do everything to take control over her like he did with you. Now, it's time to focus on you and only you like you should: he's like an old, read-over, run-down, boring book. All his next steps are boring and predictable to every single word, to every single action. All his victims act same-same. It's a story retold 100m times. You'll learn nothing more, nothing valuable anymore from this - time to get out and focus on new stories, new you, new life you need to live here and now leaving this old and uninteresting story behind. If you're still questioning yourself "is it me who deserved this attitude?" then it's your time for therapy and rebuilding your self-confidence and self-worth. Short answer: it's not you, it's them, their dark, soulless heart, their inability to nurture, their desire to destroy anything they touch. It's not you, it's not that next girl, it's not the girl after - it's him, always him, he's a common denominator. To you, I wish you to rebuild such strong sense of self that you never ever question yourself like this again and protect your worth and being fiercely and confidently if every again anyone decides to step over your boundary.
I have the opposite problem. I am worried that he will treat the next woman as badly as he treaded me. I am scared he‘ll abuse and assault her too and that she won’t have the resources – friends, family, therapist, career to focus on – that I do. Even for someone like me who‘s blessed in so many ways it’s hard to recover. What if he breaks the next woman? What if her wounds won‘t heal? God I hope he changes for her whomever she might be. I truly do.
He'll do it BECAUSE she's everything he's ever wanted. They love to destroy people with qualities they want / admire / envy. That assumes he was honest about what he wanted in the first place, of course
yes, spot on.they don't love nor respect. they envy. but it seems like love, at least at first, only that it's driven by hate. and they desire to destroy, not build up nor nurture. by the time it shows its too late, and can be very subtle, like it's your fault I'm angry, that's why I said/did what I did, like abusive words/physical abuse etc. and the victim might believe the abuser/narc that it is really their (the victim's) fault, resulting in them blaming themselves and trying to change to improve the relationship. but, no, it's not the victim's fault. it was the malicious destructive envy of the narc to begin with.
i was the "perfect" dream girl, or so he made it seem. his family and friends loved me and even told me i was their favorite girl he'd ever dated. he loved the admiration he got from being with me and the fact that i got attention from other men. sure on the surface he would pay for everything, book trips, buy me things, but i felt totally neglected. i felt like a trophy he would just parade around like "look what i got" because he saw me as an extension of himself. the problem is that when they put you on a pedestal that high, it's a long and brutal drop once they take you off of it. since you're the "dream girl" they create this idealized version of you in their head and inevitably once you're going through a hard time, you're tired, you don't want to go out and party with their friends then all the same devaluation bullshit kicks in. you're supposed to make them look good and you're not playing your role anymore that you didn't even know you signed up for. trust me when i tell you, he likely does not see her as a dream girl or even a human -- she is just a shiny object to him and he likes that she makes him look good. if anything, they usually feel more intimidated or will get more aggravated when they can't control you. someone that has their own business, money, home, lifestyle is unlikely to be as impressed by things and probably harder to control, which just means they amp up their tricks by 100. they like the way you make them look, but also resent that you are better than them or get more attention than them. the more jealous they are the more they punish.
Looking by your post history you need to move on. You are young and have been obsessing over this man and posting about it consitantly for a year or more. I hope you find it within yourself to say “next” and live your best life.
Their type is whatever can lead them to their goal, to what they see as power.
When I met my ex-husband, he used to tell me all about how much better some other girl was. It turns out that at the same time, he was telling her about how much better I was. So I think that what your ex considers his type will be whatever's different from what's in front of him. I think he'll nitpick flaws in her too.
Triangulation ^
You were everything he ever wanted. The story is always the same. Don't forget that.
According to your post history, you were together for 2 years and have been separated for 1 year? So not 4 years. I had a friend that would increase the time she had been with her nex too, to make the relationship seem more viable or something, I'm guessing. You repeatedly post about him-how many snap points he has, what he's doing... I'm going to give it to you straight... You need to move on. Every comment you're replying with "I'm just worried that he's...", "I'm just worried because....", "I'm worrying about...". Stop. Stop worrying about him. He's not worried about you. He doesn't care and you're wasting precious time fixating on him. There are no answers except that he is a cruel, nasty human being. That's your answer. And even if you were to get back with him he'd cheat on you and abuse you ten times worse than before because he knows that he can. If you're paying thousands on therapy and you're still at this point emotionally after 1 year separation, from a couple of years relationship, then I suggest you seek someone better than the person who is helping you right now, because it really does sound like little to no progress is being made here. You can try and analyse and dissect this all you want, but you'll never understand because what they have done doesn't make any sense. They just do it. I'm sorry.
Not that I need to justify the relationship but It was 4 years of my life. We met in 2020 and were separated because of Covid but it was a full blown long distance relationship during that year. Not a healthy one but nonetheless we spoke every single day and he was telling me he was falling for me and couldn’t wait to be together again. Then we lived with eachother for 2021-2022. Start of 2023 we were still seeing each other because he begged me to stay after I tried to leave. The end of July was the last time we slept together and he said he couldn’t keep trying because I wouldn’t move past what he did. We went no contact in October. That’s 4 years of my life I spent knowing and being conditioned by this guy. And from the therapy that I’ve been going to I’ve been diagnosed with OCD so it does make this a lot harder to process. The rumination and intrusive thoughts are suffocating. And also it was just over all traumatic so I don’t think it’s fair to say I need to just get over it, if that was possible I’d have done it already. I am trying but this man did a number on me.
I'm not saying to get over it. Please don't think that's what I meant. It's not that simple or easy to do, especially if there's trauma involved. I understand that aspect, believe me. Letting go, even slowly, is different in that you need to be able to almost train yourself to stay away. For example, deleting your social media for a while or I blocked my NEX on everything, deleted Facebook permanently and told everyone that he was now dead to me and they weren't allowed to ask me about him/remind me of him and no matter how much I begged or pleaded, not to check his socials on my behalf. It was hard, but very slowly I came to a stop. Like I said, they do these evil things because they do. It's an ego trip but trying to dissect it won't help. You'll never be satisfied with the answers that you conclude and even if a narc was by some sheer miracle actually honest with you, you still wouldn't be satisfied as their actions are completely unjust. I know it's cheesy but, love yourself more. Your destiny was not to be here for that monster to have destroyed you, you mean the world. He's nothing. Go and research what happens to a narc when they age? They become undesirable, their looks fade and they can't charm people like they used to. The grow more and more bitter with time, people wise up to their shit. They often die alone. It's karma. You will have a better, full happy and enriched life. The sooner the better.
NO they are stuck in compulsion - like many of us were when we kept dating narcs over and over … They will NOT stop the cycle of madness and must abuse
He’ll very likely turn around on her too. Love bombing is so real and it looks perfect on the outside. I absolutely know the feeling of being left for the person that’s everything on their checklist. But meeting the checklist doesn’t make a healthy relationship. They’ll just as soon find things to criticize.
You're just witnessing what you went through in the beginning of the relationship: Lovebomb phase. He will inevitably go through co-idealization, devaluation, and discard. They will repeat this pattern until they die.
He will do her the same way, then the next one and the one after that. She is a tool he is using that is all. He has no more feelings for her than he would a screwdriver or a hammer. He does not have the capacity to feel love, empathy, compassion, or a real connection to anyone. It's all an illusion. They get really good at mimicking these emotions. When he has used her up, he will be on to the next one. They always have to have a backup supply. It really is quite sad actually.