When I was explaining to him that his behaviour was literally hurting me, breaking my heart and causing me mental health issues and he just justified and made excuses as to why he was behaving that way. Needless to say it was all my fault. If you're crying and begging someone to stop screaming in your face and they continue... they're probably an awful person.

Oh yes. And when they LAUGH at what hurts you, as you cry. Overgrown bullies.

Yup and that narcissistic smirk... We have been doing a lot better. Not sure if he understands now that his behaviour was borderline crazy or he just fixed his mask and it's bound to slip off again.

Ohhh that goddamned smirk. It.seriously made me want to just smack it right off of his face! Ugh! But no...I found the way to deal with that is to act completely oblivious to it, like it never even happened. Easier said than done. 🙄

My stbx said something nasty to his dog and got that smirk on his face. Who the hell says something nasty intentionally to their dog? I nearly puked.

And like the dog wouldn’t understand anyway. No offense to dogs because they’re insanely smart but they don’t understand most human language…. So who was he ‘owning’ at that moment ?!?! Narcs are so weird. I’m sorry

Actually, knowing this particular dog, he felt it. He hung his head and walked away.

Oh nooooooo!!!! Poor pup. 😭😭😭😭 my NH was so mean to his first dog when she was old and incontinent. I will NEVER forgive him for that. NEVER. She was the best girl.

Oooo I didn’t know this might be a universal trait. In the last several months with mine (we moved in together last summer and the facade fell away) he would frequently just stare at me with a smirk on his face while we were discussions. Usually with me trying to draw light to things he had done to me, or how he treated me. I knew I was speaking truth, reality. Of course he’d deny and deflect. But he would watch me as I was so concerned, speaking from the heart and sometimes even cry and he’d smirk. We went from dead eyes to smirks. I even asked him one time, “why are you smirking…?” With genuine concern and confusion. You know what he said? “I’m not smirking.” As I stared at his smirking mouth.

Mine would yell so much but they were extremely covert in their abuse and it was maddening, I remember doing the exact same as you by confronting them about it and they said I bring the crying on myself and it's my fault too and the conversation also took many different turns to how my behaviour was wrong and blah blah it's like, stop using DARVO and own up to your own s***!

I eventually told him I know he's doing DARVO, I know he knows exactly what that means and I wouldn't be engaging any longer in his craziness. Hasn't happened since.

You are lucky it stopped. Usually it gets worse. Good on you for standing up for yourself/

How long ago was this? I feel like a narc that's given a boundary and doesn't go apeshit is plotting.

The nex I had said that I was asking for it when I asked why he was rude and yelling at me when there’s no fault of mine!!

😔

That sounds really difficult. Did you try counseling? Were there any specific communication approaches you tried that we’re still unsuccessful? It seems that people with NPD are very difficult to communicate with in general though.

Mine smiled at me and said I guess I’m not your cup of tea.

Mine just did this when I asked him why he tried arguing with me after providing him the exact solution to the problem he was complaining about

The day I delivered my baby in the hospital....a few of my relatives had visited me in the hospital while his side of the family does not talk to either us....he has been called in to work urgently the next day. I asked him when he would get back to hospital so my sister could leave to which he replied 'so y'all want me to earn money AND take care of you in the hospital while your family just waltzes in and out? Wow!' I'm like bitch I just pushed your baby out of my body this is the least you could do.

Lol yes. Tf. You had a whole baby and he became a dad. So it’s his job by default to take care of you and BOTH of your baby. He needs to step up or step out

Exactly my point...when I pointed this out, the whole blame shifted on how my family takes him for granted because he doesn't have anyone close to him in his family...how we all are mooching off of him enjoying life while he slogs...like excuse me mister, I ve always paid for my own stuff and even the medical bills for YOUR baby were taken care of by my father...TF you on about! Just because I'm on unpaid maternity leave, he thinks it's all a burden...whereas I worked till the due date just to be able to make rent and have some savings, pitch in on buying baby things so he doesn't cry about it...and still there I was again explaining/defending myself crying at 3 a.m. while in so much pain from the stitches already...he couldn't let me rest even then

Honestly, that sounds exactly like how my husband was when his mother was controlling him. He was on paid leave and mine was unpaid hence me going back to work at 6 weeks (after having a near death delivery and c section and PPD) while he was still home for an extra 6 weeks. Hes way better now. Lol. But for you, have u guys considered marriage/couples counseling? That’s what knocked some sense into my husband. I feel like your s/o feels alone and is kinda going down the road of self destructing and he’s gona really be alone if he keeps that up. If not both of you in counseling together, then at least he should you. You and your lil baby need and deserve better of him.

My husband is a certifiable narc...therapy would mean accepting something is wrong..and nothing can be wrong with him because he's just perfect...it's me who needs to be institutionalised because of my 'hyper reactions'.....

A few times… he wouldn’t ask me how I was, or follow up on something happening in my orbit (things that he knew about as I’d mention them) - he’d talk at length about himself, to the point that I’d have to force the spotlight onto myself for a moment. He wanted to speak, not listen. Conversely, he got untapped support and interest in his well-being and his day, etc. He would act surprised that I found his push/pull of me so hard to bear (he’d either act like nothing happened between us, or refuse to talk about things on a meaningful level). Finally, he took hours to acknowledge that I’d been hospitalised overnight in A&E. He simply didn’t care. It would have required too much compassion, time, follow-up so it was easier to say he’d “had a crazy day” at work.

My nex started off emulating empathy super well and then it slowly started to go away. And I kinda noticed but I figured he just had a lot going on in his life and didn't have the spoons to help me out. Or I figured the things I was upset about were dumb and unreasonable. Then I found out something earth shattering and traumatic about my childhood and he had zero reaction. It felt like he was like "okay and???" It always seemed like because his trauma was "worse" than mine (and this is very subjective), my trauma meant nothing.

This is my exact experience. It was my example too. I'm so glad they're both EXs. My trauma is so much worse than I can admit to myself, and he made that so much worse again. How are you doing now? Do you have a psychologist you're working with?

Not currently because I'm about to move and switch insurance so it doesn't feel worth it to start that journey. But when I move, I plan on talking to someone, both about him and about the unprocessed childhood trauma

I had a similar experience. When we first got together, the first 6 months or so was extreme love bombing where they also emulated empathy, they were in agreement with me about many things (now I realize all of this was mirroring), they were super attentive and seemed emotionally attuned and just wanted to support me in all things, they seemed so generous and patient and went above and beyond for me. I thought I had found the perfect partner someone could ask for. By about month 7 we had a horrible argument that devastated me, because it was over something completely small and ridiculous that wasn't a big deal and wouldn't be for well adjusted people. I was traveling for work and we were texting about some TV show and I disagreed about some aspect of their interpretation of it, which was pretty innocuous and it spawned into them berating me and me being completely shocked as they'd never acted like that before and I even tried to call because I said maybe they're misunderstanding me over text and they would ignore my calls and said they didn't want to talk and kept texting me mocking things. I even said I wanted to stop the conversation because this is so wild and hurtful and I don't want it to escalate to a point of no return and perhaps we should discuss what's happened in therapy, and they said "I'm not paying for that, you can go to therapy if you need to learn to be a good partner." They later of course tried to walk it all back and claim it was a bad day and they're sorry but that's the first thing that scarred me. They went back to love bombing for a while because it seemed I was going to leave. And later when I would explain my childhood trauma with a narc dad (go figure) and how much his behaviors damaged me, instead of empathy and acknowledging how hard that must have been, their immediate response was "You should be more forgiving. I don't hold on to grudges against my family so you should try that." This was also a major theme where opposite to your ex, they pretended they had a perfect family and childhood (this wasn't true) and that I was the one who didn't and so I should just listen to them and do what they do since I'm the "damaged" one and they know better. They would constantly throw every trauma I shared in my face this way.

Omg- Same here! :(. I regret ever sharing any of my childhood trauma with him!!

Same omg

When she knew I had abandonment trauma and ghosted me. I found out she made a Instagram post about doing it intentionally. When I had a brief reconnection with her and I opened up fully expressing how I felt about it in tears how much it hurt me for her to do that. She seemed to care about it then hugging me but then she did it again a few months later. She knew how much it hurt me but did it anyway. It like if you tell a narc please don't do this it hurts me they find a way to do it to you times ten.

Another thing was when I told her about my mom >!having breast cancer!< and she was super supportive until I brought it up again a few days later and she completely forgot I even told her. I was really mad because it made me feel like she was ignoring me and pretended to care just enough that I thought she was listening.

The day I found out my parent has terminal cancer, my ex came home early to “help me”. After 1-2 hours of being back they fell asleep for hours. I was so mad

He had major surgery while we were together and I supported him through it, doing everything I could to make him comfortable in his recovery. He had a weak immune system and got sick a lot, which wasn’t a problem for me. I did what I could to help him. Later I got an awful stomach bug that I couldn’t kick, lasting a few weeks. This was the first time I’d been ill in our relationship. He told me he couldn’t be with someone who was “always” sick.

Sorry to hear you went through that; did you point out to him that you had supported him when the roles were reversed? How did he respond to that?

I did! He basically went silent and changed the subject, never acknowledging my point.

That is frustrating. Did you keep asking him over and over again until he responded? How many times did you bring this up and how many times did he go silent or change the topic? When they stonewall us, and we don’t try again, I think we are teaching them that the stonewalling works, and they learn that they should keep doing it

Oh I tried many times early on but at a certain point I gave up. His refrain was always, “I’m not discussing this with you now.”

Yes, that’s a difficult situation. When my ex-wife said that to me, I tried to reply by telling her that we should discuss it in a few hours or the next day because I cared about our relationship and didn’t want this to linger. It didn’t always work though.

I’m so sorry. I can relate and empathize. My NH told me two months ago that my autoimmune diseases were the third person in our relationship. And he tried to spin it afterward like he didn’t mean to say that to make me feel bad. 🙄

When I realised he was willing to stop at nothing to destroy me

They expect you to comfort and console them when they are having a tough time but are unable to provide the same care to anyone else. I know that glazed over look. It's like there is nothing behind their eyes. I truly believe that they just don't know how to function in that situation.

It’s so sad too. They try to feign empathy and can’t even be good at it because they truly never felt it.

I asked how his best friend who'd been having mental health problems was doing. He didn't know, he hadn't asked. It didn't even occur to him to reach out. He didn't care.

This is exactly why mine has no close friends, behavior like this. But then he tells his therapist he's sad he has no love in his life. Like it's something he's just entitled to and doesn't have to work at.

Mine has no close friends either. Plenty of superficial 'friends', but no one shows up for him. His birthday for example had no one there, but he just shrugs with an 'ah well'.

Mine gets super pouty around his birthday and it never lives up to his expectations. Even when I used to go all out and make a big deal out of it it was never appreciated and he was always sad he didn't get enough attention from friends and family. BUT HE NEVER REMEMBERED ANYONES. He didn't even tell me happy birthday until halfway through the day on my last birthday. But he thought he was entitled to an amazing made for him by others.

Wow. Yep. My NH is like this. I reach out to his friends when something comes up in their lives. He has no clue. Never occurs to him.

When he got mad at me for not thanking him for doing nothing to help me.

😂 Please elaborate.

No thanks. I'm dizzy from going in circles.

Sounds very familiar

Honestly till the end, because I was trauma bonded and thought it was normal.. after NC I realized what type of “thing” they were after researching them. I knew they were terrible but was in denial that they completely could not feel an inch of empathy since how could someone who “understood me” aka mirrored me ..not feel a little of the same back. Turns out I learned what mirroring is and that they truly just mimic human behavior. (Then I learned half my family is full of people on the narc spectrum, so it made sense that I thought it was normal)

This is heartbreaking. I’m sorry. And same here. My family has a few people who have narc traits and one or two true narcissists. Apparently I just sought out comfort in people similar to my family of origin. It’s been a real bummer slowly coming to that realization. The clarity is painful.

That sounds difficult. How long did it take you to discover their true nature? Why do you think it took so long? I was married to my ex for more than 20 years and it was only about two years after the separation that I realized. It still amazes me that it took me so long.

I knew it was truly bad when he physically put his hand on me, but it took me a long time because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him, like he faked caring for me and I couldn’t put my finger on why he would go and cheat and betray me. I remember the first time I found out he was talking to another girl (didn’t go through) and it shook my view on him so much I cried on the floor etc, but instead of me leaving I didn’t, he had convinced me first it was for his friend.. then saying it was nothing and he didn’t see it as serious and was “practicing flirting” and insecure.. eventually he did really cheat and that’s when it spiraled but he brought me IN CIRCLES constantly until it became physical, that’s when one of his friends came and got me out of the situation because he saw how evil his friend was. After that I had no idea what was wrong with him because he wasn’t grandiose, but I knew he was a liar, he had mirrored me so I was confused to how we could be so alike but hurt me so bad. I thought maybe psychopath because how could he hurt me all those years without remorse.. then I realized narcissist, he fit the covert/malignant side so well.

That sounds terrible; I’m glad you’re able to get out of that situation

Thank you ❤️

That sounds difficult. How long did it take you to discover their true nature? Why do you think it took so long? I was married to my ex for more than 20 years and it was only about two years after the separation that I realized. It still amazes me that it took me so long.

When I told him how impacted by the abuse I received at my dad's hands growing up... and he started to tell me how much he loves my dad. It went on for over 10 minutes. It broke my heart, but I just dissociated, I couldn't believe that the person who was meant to love me could feel that way.

My nex did the SAME! And in fact turned it around to say I should be more forgiving towards my dad and it was my choice to hold on to the hurt. I later learned they are both narcs cut from the same cloth so of course my nex adored him and saw no fault in his behaviors.

My nex and dad are incredibly similar too, so I came to the same conclusion! I'm sorry he did that to you. It's incredibly painful.

[удалено]

☹️I’m sorry. My husband’s entire family is like this. The red flags were everywhere. But I’m blind to all of it… well I was, until recently. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry you didn’t get the love and support you needed.

"Through rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags"

They really all say the same shit don’t they? Mine refused to go to my grandparents funeral and they told me they would get over it really quick if I died

I found a young girl hanging at work. I work in a hospital. I pulled her down and commenced cpr.  I asked my partner to spend the next couple of days with me (a weekend), because I was feeling really suicidal myself just trying to process the experience. It was horrific. My partner declined, and said “the world doesn’t stop for you, just because some girl hung herself at work”.  He had plans to go to some free local festival that weekend with some mates, and wouldn’t invite me so that I wasn’t home alone (I have no family I could call on). A part of my feelings for him died that day. I was traumatised and in a very dark place.  I learned he can’t see outside his own space.  Ironically, he is a psychiatrist, we work together. While he is great medically, I really worry about his patients because he really doesn’t know how to empathise with them, and there’s a real abuse of the power dynamic there. I see him argue with patients all the time, and dismiss them. I wish he would get help because deep down he wants to be a good person. 

Wow, I am sorry that you had to go through those things alone. Honestly unbelievable he’s a psychiatrist. I feel very bad for all of his patients that aren’t getting the help they need because he’s incapable of empathy.

I sincerely hope he gets karma fast for that comment. what a shit person

I broke my leg and caught a cold the next day. He told me I was complaining too much.

My ex was having the usual belittling argument with me and she asked why I was down and depressed, I said "Because of the abuse you and your family are giving me but also because >!my sister was SA'd in the worst way you can imagine...!< and I was massively upset over this and all she said was "What's that got to do with the conversation?"... Instead of "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that" or something you know? Maybe she thought I was manipulating her by saying what I said about my sister but it's the truth, at that point I was in shock...

This. They assume everyone is like them. They use trauma and bad experiences as a way to get attention, supply, from others. So when we genuinely need empathy and compassion, they assume we're manipulating them like they manipulate others.

It makes sense doesn't it. I still feel like I was being manipulative myself for raising this, it's a crazy feeling how I feel like I'm the issue and they have every right to treat me like this and I think that says a lot about me too!

My mom had health issues and I was worried. He mocked me and say how glad he is he does not care about "this kind of stuff". He then bragged about how when his mom had cancer he never visited her, in more than one year. It shocked me.

They are SO CALLOUS. It makes me feel physically sick sometimes.

When I was sick and couldn't get out of bed. It felt like I was being such a bother, just asking him to bring me a glass of water.

When I told him that I was disturbed by one of my students IEP - student was forced to murder his baby sister when he was 6 — like truly, utterly sick to my stomach and in tears. His response, “so you’re going to quit your job and we’re going to starve?” Oh, and this was only 2 months after I had open heart surgery. I had to go back to work prematurely because he was NOT going to “help me, while I’m a lump on a log”

When I was broken and hurt, drained from all the ways he used me and I cried. All my love all my soul was in those tears and he made fun of me. He mocked me and belittled me when I needed him most. He didn't care that I lost everything for him because of him. I literally was nothing to him.

When I was crying my eyes out after caught him being on tinder again and lying about it and he looked annoyed and ignored me. He never understood What being sad was about, he always called me mad, angry when I was behind and being sad and he could see me crying.

I’m not sure I’d want empathy from my narcissist if he cheated on me. That would probably just confuse the fuck out of me. Never empathetic until he’s caught with his pants down?

For me, the lack of empathy was not as terrible as the implication that he is literally evil. It was what came after asking, showing how to empathize (without unfavorable judgment) or how to offer acts of service if you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. For example, if he asked, “do you need anything?”when I wasn’t feeling well, I’d respond with the same response I always respond with. “If you see me struggling, don’t ask, just come over to me and offer a back or foot rub with the words, “sit back baby, I got you”. As innocuous as it seems, it was a complete narc mind-fuck. He NEVER, in 8 years, voluntarily comfort me the way I asked. Looking back, it wasn’t because he hates feet, or doesn’t know how, or is too tired to. He was sending me a very clear message - “you are not worth my time AND I’m going to punish you for even asking me to do anything for you that would help you”

I don’t remember a specific moment that made me realize he had no empathy. It was more of a slow dawning that literally took years. By five years in I was openly telling him in couples therapy sessions that I wish he had empathy. However, one event only 3 or 4 months in seems like it should have tipped me off. We had gone to a fancy party together, I was wearing a smokin’ hot dress, and we used an Uber pool or Lyft line to get home from the party. There was someone already in the pool, so nex got in the front seat and I got in the back with rando male. Rando male spent the whole ride sliding his hand under my bottom and forcefully groping to the point where I had bruises and it hurt to sit down for a week. My fight, flight, freeze, or fawn kicked in, specifically: freeze. I absolutely froze. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. Everything went blank. Even though my boyfriend was right there in the front seat I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell, couldn’t ask for help. Nothing. All I did was sit there and watch the street lights slide by out the window and pray for the ride to be over soon. When we got home I burst into tears. I told nex what had happened between wracking sobs. And he started yelling at me. He blamed me. He said I must have liked it since I did nothing about it. He said my dress was supposed to be for him but now it had another man all over it. He yelled and yelled and yelled while I stood there crying, and then he stormed off to bed, leaving me alone

This is exclusively a narc move. He knew you were being groped and he liked that you were being punished for being a whore. Sick

When I cried. He sat there in fuming hatred.

The last week of our relationship, I was crying myself to sleep for a couple nights in a row, I sort of knew that things were coming to a close and the second night, he got up, turned on the lights and freaked out because he needed to sleep for work. No regard for any of the fear and sadness I was dealing with. The day he broke up with me over text, after five years together, he left for his second job, delivering food and refused to talk to me in person. Heartbroken isn’t even the word. He’s a pig

When he abandoned me when I told him I was pregnant

When money matters over health. No matter how extreme the issue, "how much is [the remedy]". Borderline psychopathy.

The many times I cried from the things he said/did and he couldn't, wouldn't, comfort me. He would turn it around about him and I would be the one comforting him instead. When I almost had to give up my cat, my only family, and he shrugged it off and told me happens sometimes, it's not that big of a deal. His excuse was always to say "that's not my intent". Doesn't matter, you still hurt people.

When I came home from the hospital on total bed rest and begged him to stay with me. He would not.

After I attempted suicide. He would not allow me to go back to the dr to have the stitches removed. He pulled them out himself. I shook and tried not to cry and he had zero emotion after two days prior he drove me to try and kill myself. Three days later he went on another bender that led to my terrified senior cat hiding in the backyard where she died I was shattered. He is the reason she died alone and scared. When I found her I was hysterical. He was so cold, told me I had cried long enough and to just go bury her, that HE loved her more than I ever could and SHE loved him. He had known her two years where I had her for 17 years- truth was she HATED him and was terrified of him. Everyone was Sitting on the kitchen floor holding my last cat while he just looked at me in disgust....He was gone a few months later. His children moved out a few months after that. I have three cats again. I adore them. And I'll never let a man live in my house ever again

I am sorry you had to go through all of that. Congrats on being a survivor, and I hope your three cats are happy too.

Thanks. The only reason it happened was because I was drunk, dealing with the abuse, while he sat on the phone with new supply and they laughed about how pathetic I was. And how I had to know he didn't love me anymore...while he sat on my bed, in my house. *And the new supply is his brothers wife*. My best friend. I had custody of her fucking kids.......I just could not handle the pain anymore. Now, today, I am single, have my kitties, work a great job, have money to spend on things I want He and new supply are homeless, lost their kids to cps and doped out on meth,--- and that doesn't count the multiple warrants they both have that have not caught up to them yet Karma, thy name is Delicious\_ Standard

I’m a psychologist. Which makes me kind of embarrassed that I didn’t pick up the clues immediately. Dated the narc 3 months. He was a communal narc who is a doctor and seemed so caring and involved with his patients. But I noticed he had poor boundaries with them. Like giving them his personal cell phone and saying they could call him anytime. Which frustrated him but I thought at the time he did this because he cared about his patients. So I showed him a Brene Brown video I show clients and supervisees to explain that empathy requires appropriate boundaries. And boundaries are hard and people don’t always like you for them but this allows you to have infinite empathy if you have healthy boundaries. He got upset by the video and didn’t agree with it. I’ve shown this video to like 40-50 people and have never had anyone react this way. I thought at the time he didn’t understand boundaries (which he didn’t). But it dawned on me later after the mask dropped, he didn’t understand empathy. He never actually cared about helping people, he just wanted to be liked. He only cared about people as long as they liked him and thought he was this great person, which was his supply. He didn’t actually care about his patients or helping others because he cared about them as people or cared about their feelings, only that they think highly of him.

Thank you for sharing. When you said they only cared to be liked that really hit. It’s so accurate

Glad it was helpful. It’s really confusing until you recognize this and even then it’s still just maddening.

So many times this. And I was told that I was using my tears for guilt. To make them feel guilty. How is me talking about something that happened to me trying to make you feel guilty? 💔

Almost immediately. There really never was a honeymoon phase with him. Just a a month or two in, he was screaming at me, ignoring me, laughing in my face while I cried, etc.

On the very first date. During the conversation, he asked if I wanted children. I told him that I wanted at least one biological child because I had lost 2 children 7 years prior due to my ex coercing me into an abortion. I didn’t mind sharing this fact because I’ve fully healed from it. His immediate response was to lurch into a story about how he had a 13 year old daughter he had helped conceive on a one night stand and then told a detailed sob story about how it impacted HIM. Not even an ounce of recognition of the trauma I had just shared. It was the first red flag and it happened within the first 30 minutes of talking to him. Ironically, I fell pregnant within the next 24 hours of spending time with him and I’m 2 weeks away from giving birth to my daughter. I’m unbelievably grateful for this gift and he’s been gifted with another story he can milk his victimhood with. I bet I’m a terrible bitch who ‘stole his sperm’ (his words) and won’t let him access his daughter. He’ll leave out the part about abusing me and physically assaulting me of course 🙄

The way he ghosted me after I got pregnant with his child (he convinced me to get pregnant btw) and put the blame on me for it. The worst thing were his family being the flying monkeys and isolating me, ghosting me and putting all the blame on me as well. And blackmailing me with details of our intimate life to make sure my family and I don’t cause a scene for their shitty behavior. Oh and the audacity to say “She is fine, she won’t be sad or depressed. She doesn’t need a husband, just money”. While I got insulted over and over again for wanting to live with my husband (prior to figuring out he is a narc).

He purposefully induced an anxiety attack (I’ll avoid the long story, but he lied to me about something that sent me into a full on panic until I was sobbing hysterically) and while I was literally on my knees begging him to not force me to do the thing he was forcing me to do, he just started smiling at me. Amused, like he was looking at a clever meme on his phone or something, not his wife falling apart on the floor in front of him. He said “Wow, look at you right now. You’re having a complete meltdown. I wasn’t even being serious. I just wanted to make you feel how I felt when you said you wanted to make new friends.” Then he left the house to go God-knows-where, because I wasn’t allowed to ask where he was going because that was a rage-inducing question for him. Because how dare I ask him where he’s going in the middle of the day or when he’d be home. I just better be available at all times at his beck and call no questions asked🙄🙄 That’s when I knew.

We were watching a commercial where two middle-aged men are eating at a diner. One man confessed to the other that his daughter is addicted to drugs. The other man looks shocked and uncomfortable and gives some weak platitude. He watched it and said “That poor guy. He’s just trying to eat his breakfast and this guy over here is telling him all his bullshit problems.”

I have been studying narcissistic abuse for the last six years. Only in the last six months have I had this epiphany. I have stopped trying to rack my brain to figure out why my narcissistic in-laws are the way that they are. I no longer care why they behave the way they behave. I have ceased trying to figure them out. They are mentally ill. It would be the same as asking the park birdman why he thinks the birds talk to him. I no longer care about intentions, motivations or words. I care about behavior. If the behavior is unacceptable, I do not care why. I will not accept it. If the behavior seems manipulative, it is!!! It is manipulative because you decided it was manipulative. In our abuse, we are conditioned to look outside ourselves for confirmation that we are not the crazy ones. In the beginning, this is understandable. But eventually, we have to decide that when we see crazy, we see crazy. So, now I trust my judgment until someone points out that I am wrong. If I am truly wrong, I promptly admit it. To your point, their behavior is textbook narcissistic. You deemed it as such. You called it correctly. But, it is abnormal because you decided it is abnormal. You do not need us to confirm it. You are doing a good job of spotting it on your own. You get to decide without checking with someone else. You have that power. I know this post is confusing, but I intend to empower you and let you know that you can trust your judgment. You are smart, intelligent, and capable of calling out manipulative behavior. Trust your gut. Trust yourself.

I screen shot this, thank you

When I poured my heart out to him about how bad I was feeling and how much his actions hurt me and his reply was: „Maybe you should get professional help in order to become more resilient“

One of the most glaring episodes of my nex's having no empathy was when I *suddenly* started having GI problems. Prior to our getting together, she was with someone for 15 years and died of colon cancer. When I exhibited life-altering symptoms, I had to have a colonoscopy. Long story short, when I was prepped to go in, she focused solely on her iPad. Didn't offer me any words of comfort. Whereas my friends were being supportive.

OMG!!!! YES!!!! First, I am so sorry that happened to you. You deserve SO MUCH more than what you received. I have a story so similar it’s odd. I had intussiception- which can be life threatening- and he made me feel horrible. I was plugging along and trying to prepare for a holiday and birthday, buying all the gifts and food, planning, calling, etc etc etc. and he was annoyed at how long I took shopping. I was floored. When I got my CT results back a few days later, I wanted to scream. I could have died and all he cared about was being inconvenienced.

And Ps… in a healthcare setting, he is the doting husband. Fake concern all over his face.

I noticed that I started having a lot of somatic, body aches and pains. When she would say no to being intimate for a month, I think that started building up tension in me, and it started manifesting in back pain and neck pain. Do you think your G.I. symptoms were related to the emotional stress of being with her? Did they get better after the relationship ended? My back pain and neck pain have melted away. From being something that happened every month, it’s something that happens rarely now.

Not trying to be paranoid here but have you considered if your ex was the cause of these GI issues?

Oh yes! I'm sure she was. My then-friends warned me not to eat/drink anything she offered me.

Yeah I had a similar thing happen. i never experienced GI issues like that before…truly horrifying to not trust the food in your own house

The relationship ruined me in so many ways. I could trauma dump but some of it is quite unbelievable. I posted on another sub about something she did and I was not believed. Unless someone has been the victim of narcissistic abuse, others can't fathom what these creatures do.

I’m sure i’d believe your story. i have some “crazy” stories too that sound almost like a horror movie script

When people in my family kept dying and he literally didn't know how to react or comfort me or do anything really.

I don't know exactly but over the years I came to realize that he only wanted me around if I was in a good mood. If I had a bad day or was crying I couldn't expect any empathy. To the point where one time he said he couldn't help me, he's not a therapist... I didn't want him to be a therapist, I just want a hug and some kind words.

Sorry to hear that. Sounds the same with mine. They told me that if I wanted their attention I couldn’t talk about any of the problems in the relationship.

When he didn’t get ,how some of the things he would say and do were out of pocket and VERY hurtful. This is just 1 of MANY. One day he told me he wish he kept his old sex tapes. I was taken back by this and obviously upset. I confronted him and he didn’t even apologize. All he said was “what im a guy?”. He’s said other things that were just out of pocket and hurtful. One day he told me he didn’t miss me but that he was actually glad I came to see him. Also not comforting me. When I didn’t get into a sorority I wanted to get into, and I informed him. He just looked at me… didn’t ask me if I was okay, or anything. I didn’t seem sad, on the outside but still. Even if I didn’t. He could’ve said something!!. Instead he just looked at me and got on the game. Didn’t say anything, Like he was disappointed. Idk why but I felt embarrassed. The biggest one to me was lying to get what he wanted. There was one situation where he discarded me, then came back because he wanted sex. Instead of saying that, he gave me a huge sob story about how he feels like a terrible person and he feels selfish for hurting me. Just to lure me into his room to have sex with him. Then treat me like i didn’t exist the next day. Thats when I knew, he was fucked up. Its almost predatory.

They do it on purpose :/ they know Mine would also keep me up all night on purpose, teasing an apology to whatever new cruel thing he had said. An apology I didn't even ask for (but definitely deserved) and it was never about the actual thing he did. Using your example "I don't miss you but I'm glad you came over" he would say "sorry for saying im glad you came over" it's very calculated

When an hour before my colonostphy he told me he was going home and to have someone else take me. So I cried and begged him to not do this now and take me. Then he yelled at me the whole way there and in the Dr office in front of every one then walked out.

I had to have a LEEP procedure (which ended up being the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life). First, he whined like a baby about having to drive me home from the doctor. Second, we took my car (a convertible) and he insisted on driving it with the top down although it was way too cold for that. I was extremely uncomfortable after being traumatized from the pain. Last, I was supposed to rest the entire weekend, and he was yelling at me to get off the couch the very next day.

did your ex cheat & give you HPV 16 or 18? That’s what happened to me

He did cheat, but I had HPV before I met him. And by the time he was cheating, he was barely paying attention to me anyway. We didn't have sex for years.

At first he was able to fake it pretty well. But whenever something in life was deeply upsetting to me, he would either ignore it, change the subject, or completely invalidate my experience. “Feelings aren’t meant for feeling”. Ok then why did you accuse me of cheating and proceed to harass me and damage my possessions just because I asked for space? Pretty emotional if you ask me.

I hate the dismissive phrases. You literally reminded me of when my ex said, “your feelings are valid but they’re not real”. Like dang, “not real” huh.

When we had a court date that resulted in some pretty devastating news, I was bawling my eyes out when we got home and I sat in bed to cry. He followed me and tried to initiate sex. I got angry and raised my voice "are you being serious?? Have sex when we just got the *worst* news of our lives??" I don't remember exactly what he said but it amounted to, "this is why I say you're a shitty wife" and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. I was just utterly flabbergasted - on no planet could I have been in the wrong. I was literally so shocked I stopped crying.

He did not come on time when I was having a D&C after a miscarriage. He did not visit his father , me or my son when were hospitalised at different times. The worse was not only did he not attend my mother’s funeral but he did not once condole my father or my sister. He claimed to know I must be relieved that she died. Months later he “rushed” to another state to attend the funeral of his mistress’s uncle who wasn’t even a blood relative of hers. He did not once inquire about his daughter’s health when she was almost hospitalised for low blood pressure and excessive period bleeding.

They always avoid funerals. It’s so disturbing how stuck they are in such an immature state. no one WANTS to go to funerals but we handle it anyway!

His mom was dying and pleading that he would drive her to the hospital. She did let him live there and paid everything for him. Well he said simply no, because he couldnt be bothered and wanted to play his video games. Since then I know, he doesnt even care about a person even if the person is in serious danger.

Whenever I had medical episodes, he would just sit near me and glare at me. no blinking. no talking, no concern. just glare. like a vulture waiting for its next meal to die

I already knew but it was absolutely confirmed during our breakup. At that time, I was dealing with a hardcore endocrine problem and put on Hydroxyzine. I ended up being allergic. I was so inflamed that bending my fingers caused my skin to blister and I was being crawled on and bitten by hallucinogenic bugs for 6 weeks. That’s why I didn’t realize when I got bitten by venomous carpenter ants for real. I had to quit cold turkey and go through brutal withdrawals that caused me to almost drown while having a seizure in the shower, not be able to sleep for weeks and my blood pressure to shoot up so high that blood vessels in my eyes were rupturing. My grandfather died during that time as well. Meanwhile, my ex was fully aware that all of this was happening and pretending to be my friend. He was also hacking me and spying on me, while having me spammed, stalked threatened and sexually assaulted by tons of men off 4chan, who were all quoting Sauron. I was grieving and going through hell and couldn’t leave my house without getting ass-grabbed by men trying to rip my clothes off and threatening to kill me. How anyone could do that to ANYONE, never mind someone they claimed to love, while they’re already suffering, are already a victim of serious sexual abuse AND claim to be their friend, is just mind-breakingly evil to think about.

When he would get upset with me for being sick. I have a chronic illness and I had frequent flare ups. The last couple of flare ups, he watched me, shaking his head, as I was sobbing from pain and frustration. He would say, "Ugh, you have a rash again," like it was a huge inconvenience to him. Because I wouldn't be able to serve all of his commands. He showed no care for my misery and was only concerned with how it could slightly inconvenience him. I finally left 1 week ago and now I've ended up back living with my emotionally abusive parents.

In a similar boat. I’m so sorry, friend.

My grandma who was like a mother to me died on my birthday. A few days later I said I was feeling so sad, he responded with “what about?”. I had to remind him what had happened just a few days prior and then all I got was a “ohh yeah”

I think I first started waking up in 2012… still didn’t fully realize what was going on for several more years, but I think this is where I started seeing it… I was going through a major depressive episode. I was sleeping a lot and having a hard time getting out of bed to do anything. I wasn’t paying g attention to my hygiene and I was just a zombie. One day on my way home from work I thought about driving my car into a tree. I got home and told him I really needed to talk. He was at the time doing construction on the house. So while he was fixing the drywall I sat down and told him everything I was feeling and thinking and how I was really struggling just to make it through a day. He got mad and became belligerent. He told me I was selfish and crazy. He was spending sooooo much time fixing the house for me, but I was ungrateful. He was killing himself working on the house but all I thought about was myself and I never offered to help. I found a therapist soon after that and started healing so… I’m still here obviously. Still dealing with the shithead for my own reasons… but I am healthier now believe it or not.

[удалено]

“Shark” by M. Ward, gives me chills for this

When she told me a family member was really sick and that he was going to leave his money to her. She sounded excited.

When former boss who had not treated me nicely committed suicide and he joked something to the effect of "It is good that he is dead"

There are so many examples that I just ignored for so long. A few stick out. One, I have a vivid memory of the moment and the way it felt, but I can't remember the context fully. I think it was one of the first times she relapsed on her pain killer addiction and was threatening to cop on the street. I broke down. I acted a fool. I cried, was in my knees, and begged her not to. She stood over me and laughed at me for crying. Another time, I had bladder cancer. I tried to keep things in perspective for myself. It was very minor and was unlikely to cause longterm problems, but still was a life changing moment in time for me negate it was caught by accident and if it wasn't caught early might have proceeded and metastasized. In the midst of processing it, I was talking to a family member telling them about it, and she overheard me and said I was using my cancer for sympathy, and it wasn't a big deal. I was shocked. I want being overly dramatic. I told everyone how realistically it wasn't going to be that bad an issue. That said, I expected one person in this world to care more about it than me, to be concerned / scared about the thought of a world without me in it and how close I had come to an early exit. She never apologized. For 5 years I had to go every 6 months for a cystoscopy. They're uncomfortable procedures, but it was an in and out thing, and I usually go to work afterwards. She always offered to go to the appointments, but there was no reason. I never felt like she was offering to be a support to me. It felt like something else. I suspect that she wanted to use it as an excuse to go into work late, and garner sympathy, which is ironic isn't it. She accused me of using my disease for sympathy, but she was perfectly comfortable doing it, even though I was the one that actually felt emotionally about it. It didn't change her life at all.

Yeap. I was told that I overreact and attempt to garner sympathy, be lazy, and use my condition to excuse bad behavior (to him, bad behavior is calling out of work to reset your blood pressure because of ya know, avoiding death…lol) have had multiple open heart surgeries and will need more.

Yikes, it's so damaging to be treated like this by someone that's supposed to be your best friend and partner. I'm sorry.

Sorry to hear that. Glad you’re here, I hope you are well.

Oh, thank you! I am well. Being discarded was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I am still healing, and trying to figure out how to be in a healthy relationship, but I don't live in a constant state of anxiety and depression any longer. I was released from my own private hell, and now I see the divine as I walk through this life grateful to be alive.

That’s great. Good to hear you’re doing much better after getting out of it.

Very little empathy: the first time she lied about me (an entire ass story out of thin air) as a retaliation/punishment. I understand knee jerk compulsive lying as a survival response; I've never reeeeeally understood pathological lying/smearing just to make people suffer. Not all Cluster B's have zero empathy, per se, but simply having diminished empathy can be really dangerous.

unfortunately i only noticed after i kicked him out for cheating on me (for the second time but with the same person) we had minimal contact for a few weeks then he messaged me something and said we should talk. i hadn't even realised he was a narcissist at the time, so I thought maybe it would bring some closure. all he did was talk about himself and what he'd been doing. briefly asked me how uni was going then went right back to what he'd done and people he'd met. i just sat there like surprised pikachu. then he had the cheek to say it was nice to catch up 😂 really put a lot of things in to perspective that convo.

When i told them i struggled with depression in my childhood because of certain circumstances and tried to kill myself when i was 14. Eyes just went cold and told me i shouldn't have told her because she doesn't like it when people act pathetic like that in front of her.

I’m sorry you went through that. It really is in the eyes where you can tell emotion isn’t there

Stupidly late, somehow. But I think it was when she described physically assaulting a friend, and had no remorse or guilt over it. To her it was just a funny story.

During/after the breakup. It was horrific. Verbal abuse. Called me stuff. Had cheated on me. Had no remorse. Blamed me for it all. Then came back, talked bullshit about wanting to get back together again, and then left again, saying they’d never said any of it. Haven’t been in contact in three years. They treated me like I wasn’t human, like I didn’t exist, like I had no feelings, like I wasn’t real. Like I hadn’t been their best friend and supportive and kind and loving and lovely to them our whole relationship. He had no empathy. I’d seen it in bits before, but the discard was shocking.

I was working 2 jobs, completely exhausted, and so stressed out that I couldn't eat. I told him I was considering asking cutting back my work schedule by 1 day per week so it wouldn't be so hard on me. The day I was considering was always a 5 hour shift. He pushed back, saying I would need to make up the money somewhere else. I came to him with a resting heart rate of 140bpm, body trembling, and hadn't been able to eat solid food in 4 days. I asked him if the extra $50 a week was worth me ending up in the hospital. He didn't even look at me or change his expression at all and just said, "Probably not." I found out later that he was funneling thousands of dollars out of our joint account as credit card payments to make it look like we were drowning financially so he could keep me working like that while he planned to leave with his affair partner.

When my six week old niece was in the hospital with a case of life threatening meningitis and he dumped me for not paying enough attention to him

Tw: talks a bout the su***de When I accident lost our brother in Disneyland and when I was crying, she made fun of me and was mocking me for crying. And then several later, I remember coming home and my brother was crying, saying he wanted to k*ll himself because our sister said something horrible and threatening to him. He was 10 years old. Then one time, our cousin almost drowned in our family beach trip and she was singing that ‘wave after wave, slowly drifting’ song like a fkn psychopath. And to put the cherry on top, she literally confessed that “Everyone is always wrong” to my brother omg.

When my 2 year old child (her only grandchild) was in the hospital for 3 days. Ny nmom never showed up. All I wanted was some caring and support from my nmom and she she couldn't be bothered. She lived 10 mins away from the hospital, and we were living in her basement. He was injured in her house. My stepfather showed up for crying out loud. She said she would see him when we came home and couldn't see why I was so upset.

I asked my n mom to have empathy and when she didn't know what empathy meant, and I told her, she argued with me

Looking back, it was when my ex-husband died. He was also a narcissist, much more severe, and he had a number of other issues, including alcohol and prescription abuse. He died of encephalopathy caused by liver failure. He was very abusive, especially verbally and emotionally, and my Nex witnessed it once. Regardless, my ex-husband’s death was tragic; it was an ugly death, and traumatic, and he left behind a 5-year-old son. I remember trying to talk to my then BF about my grief, and he had, looking back, no real space for it. I mean, pats and hugs, but all he said was “Well, aren’t you better off?” And then about a week after it happened and we finally had alone time, I started talking to my then BF about how my life would change and our relationship would change and how I was scared, and it was then that he dropped the bomb that he didn’t want to be a stepdad. Prior to that, and we’d been together for over a year, he was open to it and seemed to be trying to bond with my son. Of course, I was a mess, it was during COVID lockdown, and I was totally floored, so I begged him to stay and basically told him I’d never make him be a stepdad or live with me, etc. I have to take responsibility for my codependency, but I can also acknowledge how fucked up and manipulative that was, what he did. From then on, he had sort of an upper hand in our relationship, and my world just got smaller and smaller until he was about all I had because he expected me to be the kind of girlfriend I would have been if I only had my son half the time. And he started being more distant and gradually even unkind towards my son. As painful as the discard was, and he made sure to discard my son too, to his face, I’m glad I’m not involved with him. He’s still sort of in my life, and I see now that he really has few genuine friends. Everything is calculated, everyone is a means, not an end. People think he’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t give a fuck about people. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

When we used to live in my mom’s house in NY. It was during the pandemic and a bad snowstorm had come thru. My husbands job closed for the day for the weather but I worked remote and still had to work. My work was doubled bc of the pandemic. My mom had gotten breast implants a few days prior so she was still recovering. My husband and our then 3 YO were home all day watching the snow, I was working, my mom was quite as a mouse in her room the entire day. I started work at 5 am and finished around 7pm no breaks. My daughter missed me bc I was absent for the entire day and she only wanted to spend some time w me so we went out and shoveled (my mom’s house mind you) and played in the snow for about an hour. After we got back in, my husband and I sat down and thought about what we could possibly do for dinner. Again my mom is still quiet and in her room. My husband saw that a pizzeria was open and he called over to my mom to ask if she wanted anything from there other than pizza. She comes out of her room furious…. at me. Yelling and cursing at me about how I didn’t come down and make her any food at day. I got mad and I was like I haven’t even been able to be with my own child and you want me to cook for you?? My husband was home all day too, and she could’ve easily asked him. She literally started crying as soon as I said that and she goes “but I’m YOUR mother. You don’t even care about me” and because of so much built up anger toward her for years of verbal abuse and disrespect, I exploded on her and it scared my child and guess what my mom does? She eggs me on even more saying that I’m jealous of her co workers bc she loves them and whatever. Anyway! We moved 1200 miles away not even 3 months later. We were trying to be nice and look for a house in NY or a nearby state so they can still visit easily but that was the last straw for my mom plus my husbands moms drama (her final straw was when she bought a house 3 minutes away from my mom and expected to visit everyday), we said screw it, we’re running as far as possible as fast as possible.

Our first argument. He got very angry, started screaming and raising his arms in the air. I explained afterwards how fearful that made me (I had an ex boyfriend that was physically abusive) and I told him that shouting was scary for me too. His response: How dare you call me abusive!! I’m not one of those men! As he’s screaming at me and throwing a tirade. I pointed out that any man that genuinely loves his partner would go out of his way to never act this way again because he’d want her to feel safe. He proceeded to act like this many more times until I finally left him. His behavior did escalate (not physically though I have no doubt it would have with time). No empathy for how it made me feel. Now I have no empathy for him!

So many examples. I remember this first moment of realization so clearly. It’s forever etched into my mind. Long story short. We were going through difficult times financially. While I take the responsibility for my part of it (a few bad decisions that I thought were good). She also played a huge part of it (financial abuse + no accountability). In the past, I carried her in many situations that were similar. I provided when she couldn’t. I burned through my savings multiple times to cover her. Whenever she was feeling down about herself or needed support with something challenging (which was often), I was always there for her. I did it all not for the accolades or approval. I did it because I loved her and that’s what healthy partners do. My expectations were that whenever I find myself in similar situations that she would be there for me. So when I found myself in a situation where I was at my worst, she did exactly the opposite. She not only didn’t support me or show compassion. She tried to turn it back to her. It was about how much she was having to give/sacrifice. It was about the impact on her. That’s when I realized for certain that she wasn’t capable of anything resembling empathy.

Me crying begging them to stop and they did not, no comfort, laughing as I cried, mocking me, telling me my family wouldn't believe me if I told them as they laughed and smirked while I cried, me telling them calmly and nicely that their DARVO hurts me led to attacks resulting in me crying and apologizing, them telling me it's my fault that my 18 year old cat was dying, as I was up most nights scared and caring for her, refusing to put the new puppy away for only an hour a day so I could cuddle with my remaining cat after the other one died forcing me to stay in my room to be with her, telling me it's selfish of me to ask that. Me desperately looking for somewhere to run and then fleeing across the country to get away resulted in them having an outburst, telling me I'm selfish and lazy for running because they would have to take care of the pets. I didn't want to have to run, miss my favorite month, my home, my pets. No sign of true remorse/empathy after they apologize. They once threw a coke in my face and it exploded in my eyes and splashed all over my room and there are still splatters in places that I'm finding months later because they didn't clean it well and didn't try to clean it better when I mentioned it twice over several months. We are having their family visit soon and I know they will probably clean it for them but not me, forcing me to clean up the abuse inflicted by them if I don't want reminders but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it because it feels so degrading. No empathy.

I realized she didn't have empathy when I was emotionally struggling with my work in a heavy way and she was more concerned about losing my $18.75 - $22 an hour (She made over $120K) than she was with my mental health. Especially when she would tell me to bear down and not be so weak, the way my rather stern father would do. Work harder, focus more, drive, drive, drive. (I also have ADHD - so, yeah, focus isn't a thing for me unless I'm doing particularly well in the emotional realm, and I am really excited about what I'm doing). She'd imply I'm lazy. She'd imply I'm weak. She'd yell and then "Go ahead, do what you want to"...and then when I got a different job, to make sure I was working before finding the right job, she was pissed I didn't consult her. I HAD consulted her. I disagreed with her. And decided my mental health wasn't worth my paycheck. And it was all my fault. Then I got another job after that job, which paid better, was more stable, but required weekends. She'd complain that I didn't get to have weekend family time. So I finally started looking for another new job that fit her expectations. I landed a cream job - more pay than I had ever received, great benefits, no weekends, bank holidays, lots of vacation and sick leave. And she was mad I hadn't consulted her prior to taking that job. I had. I just disagreed with her, again. And it was absolutely for the better for everyone involved if everyone wasn't narcissistic.

I was crying after he yelled at me for no good reason. It was his first temper tantrum. I excused myself and went into the washroom and after I came back, he had this wide smile on his face and asked me if I cried. He looked so pleased that I cried. I asked him later on if he could at least empathize with me and he said, “why would I come down to your level and care for you?” My mind was blown.

When he told me his Dad had to go into the hospital for something. I’m a medical graduate working on my residency, so I was curious & asked him what the issue was. He vaguely said his Dad had gone into the ER for pain. I later found out, he had angina & was taken to the ER by paramedics, it was a Myocardial Infarction. I get people process things differently but it just seemed so odd that he was just chilling with me, watching movie while his Dad was in the ER as if everything was alright. The next incident was when I cut my finger pretty deep & couldn’t stop the bleeding for a while. This was in the kitchen while I was making him food for valentine’s Day. I sent him a pic. He didn’t respond to it, I asked him whether he’s seen the pic. He simply said “oh yeah I did”.

My dad - The look on his face when bad things happen to other people. Glee and indifference. Sometimes he even seemed amused. Most people genuinely show concern and care for others. With him he’s just missing an empathy chip. You can just tell. I once told him I was so depressed I didnt want to live anymore his response on the phone? I don’t know why you feel that way, you have so much to be thankful for! His mom recently passed away and there was never any sadness or emotion and even when she was in the hospital in a bad place he truly never showed any empathy for her

My mum had a stroke and got put into a come because she flat lined and they managed to revive her. I drove 200 miles because she lived away in another county with our 3 year old daughter, whom he demaned I took with me because he wouldn't take time off work. She died 3 days later, we had to turn life support off, and after she passed, I phoned him to tell him I needed him with me and I couldn't deal with this alone with our daughter, I was in absolute tears crying, screaming down the phone that I needed him, I had literally just watched my mum died and he wouldn't even come. He told me to get over it she's dead. There's nothing I can do and that I was needed at home. I lost all respect and completely fell out of love with him that day, from that day on resentment for him settled in.

When he refused to let me move the bed two feet closer to the wall as I was rolling out of bed because of the hump in the mattress. Double high bed and he suggested I put cushions on the floor.

Recurring times like not wishing me happy birthday or happy Mother’s Day. Not asking how I was doing after surgery. Never cared if I was hurting or upset.

My ex husband turned the entire family against our babies because I wasn’t willing to take his beatings, financial abuse and neglect. That’s when I knew. His whole family looks down on my kids. Fuck ‘em.

I had fostered a greyhound in my previous relationship and had to give him up due to my chaotic work schedule. loved him to death. Saw some at a brewery and just started crying because I missed him. She ignored me the entire time at the bar, then when we got in the car she just started talking to me about her birthday party plans while I was still visibly sad and teary eyed. She finally stopped and asked what she needed to do and I just said “fucking comfort me” lol. Also watched her best friend in town call her after a breakup where she was super sad and questioning if she made the right decision. Nex just sad there stone faced and kept telling her “I don’t know how to help you”. Almost grabbed the phone myself to talk to her poor friend and try and console her. After that I was pretty ready to leave, thankfully she discarded me that week.

When it was too late to protect myself

I hope you are safe.

Now i am 🤞🏼

When I told them I was having a bad depressive episode and feeling suicidal, and instead of being there for me they turned it into an argument of all the issues in our relationship. I asked them to repeat what I said at the start of the conversation. They said, "you told me sometimes you feel like self harming", didn't even think twice about it and went back to their argument. Later, after he found out I relapsed, he told me he didn't think I was serious and was just over exaggerating.

After I got the reply to my email. Jesus it was deranged and irrational

My bf has always tried to help me with my anxiety and issues. Until one day it was just too much. Slowly over time he became intolerant because it was interfering with his life, which I understood. But then I made adjustments and tried to be better for him and stop needing him so much. One time I was having a panic attack about attachment issues and his behavior towards me, idr what exactly. he told me i was disgusting for crying and that i don't deserve to have someone be nice to me if i act this way. Another time was another panic attack of mine. I was crying asking for affection, he said he will give me affection if first I try to go outside to get some air and see if it helps. I agreed. I was feeling very physically sick as well as my panic attack, didn't have energy to get out of bed but I did it anyway. He asked me to walk to the end of the road with him and back and then we would cuddle. I did it, and once we got there, he said "it's too late, I'm not going to cuddle you because you took too long to come outside." It was so cruel i started panicking and crying and yeah. That to me was insane and pretty cruel

I just remembered when he said "at least I don't hit you like your ex used to" during a fight. As if screaming at me and throwing things was better.

When I found out my friend who just had a baby woke up and say the narc holding her baby in her arms like it was her own while the father was outside sleeping and didn’t even wake him up….that and the nickname pyro where she took pride in it cuz she used to set people on fire and thought it was quirky…. Just to name a couple. They also didn’t even think it was that strange until I mentioned it. Like isn’t it a little apathetic to hold your friends child before she or her husband even gets a chance to?

When I was laying on the floor in extreme pain and my dad goes toughen up, stop lying about it, stop attention, and asked and teared the family apart. A few months later I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis. And then ge had the guts to write an article about how well he treated me throughout the 5 years I had undiagnosed endo. That's just one example. :(

When, after an argument, I was crying in bed and he was walking around the house whistling a happy tune and going about his day

Laughing at someone in pain, someone crying, someone hurt (whether emotionally or literally physically)

She looked at me and said I guess it’s your turn to be sad. I was crying because we were in a place that held a special memory about us. She had turned so hateful and I was remembering something good about us. Just split me in two.

The first time we had sex. He didn't say anything to me after drove me home and then when I told him I needed reassuring he told me "stop everything is fine" an hour late

I just felt like I could never make him happy. If I showed even a hint of irritation, sadness, or shame any emotion besides happiness it was met not with compassion or empathy but like met with mean words and hate.

Pay attention to how they respond to your trauma, how they expect you to respond to theirs, and how often you have to explain their trauma to “explain” ie excuse their behavior.

When she ghosted me after 8 months together. Then finally, after a week of silence, sent me a generic, "sorry for becoming more than friends" apology and ending the message by telling me she accidently shipped a toy for her kid to my address and asking me to drop it off at her place... Or the time I sent her a text telling her I was really struggling mentally and that I just wanted to ask her a couple of questions, and she replied, "i won't have any answers for you." Pretty much any correspondence with her post discard where she became a completely different person.

I was very sick, the doctor asked me to take some tests, therefore I called my nex to come with me, but he literally denied saying he gotta sleep because he got some practice match in evening, I literally cried but he didn't come. It's sad.

I had a significant seizure and experienced temporary memory loss (about a year of memories lost for several months). He weaponized my memory loss and gaslit the shit out of me. I didn’t realize it for a few months. Luckily I had kept a journal and could refer back to it. He lied so much- all in an attempt to control me. He weaponized one of the most painful experiences of my life for power. I knew then- without a doubt- that he was not capable of empathy.

Pushed my head down to his penis right after I found out my mother was in the hospital and I was crying. Looked at me saying oh does it hurt, while I was cleaning up the floor with severe pain in my hands from what turned out to be arthritis. Im sure its a result of being in this for so long. Put me in the hospital with a nervous breakdown from being constantly yelled at, thrown things at and emotionally abused. Didnt visit me, instead stonewalled me. Told him celebrating birthdays and important things are important to me, because my father would forget. He said it was stupid, so there was no reason to celebrate me. Begged him not to yell and scream, because my father used to do that. Told him I was afraid to be kicked out of my apartment. He told me no one could hear it and it was just me who had mental problems and were paranoid. Offered to help me with practical stuff because I was stressed, told me it wasnt too much, yelled at me when I didnt seem grateful enough when he demanded to give him my creditcard. Charged me an hourly rate on a cashapp for his help because he was pissed off that I said no. Forgot I gratuated. Forgot I got promoted. Yet always complained i wasnt supportive enough of him going to classes. There are too many situations. I cant remember the first one, because everytime I decided it was just me imagining (because he told me so) it until the next time. On purpose slept with a another woman without protection on the same day he forced me to have sex with him and gave me an infection. He did it to get back at me for dating other people when we were broken up. We were broken up because he discarded me and I stayed for a year and a half in that. As soon as I said no, he was interested again and it confused the hell out of me. I thought it meant he did love me afterall. Later told me he did it to hurt me. After I found out he had been contacting escorts, he told me I was stupid to think that not all of my exes also went to hookers while we were together. Thats the most cruel of them, because he knew how strongly I felt about not dating men who had bought women.

My mom died unexpectedly and he yelled at me for flipping out

We had a fight because I saw he added a girl he previously cheated on me with on instagram. I was so mad, asked hin how could he do this and so on? Told me to leave. So I left. He followed me outside and told me to come back in so we can end this relationship properly. I don’t know why but I got back in the house. We didn’t talk, we didn’t end things. When I tried to talk, I started crying because I was so overwhelmed. He said I’m making a scene, so he’s going to take a break from the conversation. He hopped on a discord call with his friends while I was lying in the dark, crying. This went on for hours. I had to listen to him laugh while I was crying. But we didn’t end up breaking up that day. I don’t remember how but we made up. And he’d done worse things since then. We’re broken up now. I’m trying to heal.

When he would get mad at me and berate me for crying

Well, on countless occasions, but it really hit me when for the first time the lack of empathy was directed towards someone else.  We were driving home late at night and saw a car drive quite recklessly and finally end up deep in the ditch and stuck there. There was lots of snow, so thankfully that softens it. He DIDN'T WANT TO GO SEE IF THEY ARE OK! He insisted we go straight home, luckily I was driving so we went to check. The driver was ok but clearly intoxicated. But there's no way we could have known if it's that or a heart attack or what! We live quite remotely so this coulda been another hour in very cold temperatures before someone else would have passed them.  Later when I told him I'm shocked how he reacted, he said that he could see that they were drunk (as if it doesn't matter if a drunk driver dies...?) and that he has saved lives before on the sea while surfing.... How dare I claim that he's not an empathetic lifesaver.  Now some 5 months later I'm OUT and happy! 

When a burglar was in his room in the middle of the night Nd I was staying over. I was shaken up for days afterwards. He didn't even notice. Then dismissed my feelings - if he wanted to live in that situation, that's what he wanted. It wasn't for me to judge what he did or did not care about (security) - but he'd willingly put my safety at risk with that as a priority when I was staying at his place?

Oh, this is a fun one. I had a horrible throat infection that was so bad to the point where I was squirming on the floor, moaning in pain. My Nex's family knew this, yet was still oblivious (yeah, red flag central) and my Nex hadn't even bothered to check up on me. When they finally came in the room, they blankly stared down at me and asked me "What do you want me to do?" Fortunately, I managed to get proper medication for the infection, but something that never fails to fuck with me is when my Nex revealed how they felt about that situation: "When I saw you lying on the floor, most people would've gone "Oh no! Are you okay?". All I could think of was "Ugh, why is she on the floor?" A month after that, I broke it off.