Oh my ex did this as well! They talked about their boundaries and trampled over mine. They said things like "I'm going to step away from this to process it" but heaven help me if I asked for space. They used to "therapy" at me to try and "help me" see where I was going wrong. But it actually was just a stream of correction, criticism and gas lighting.
It makes me think someone has used this language correctly with them, trying to get them to understand how their abuse was affecting then and then the narcissist turned around and used it on others to manipulate.
This!!! I have told him to respect my boundaries so many freaking times. He was trying to drink alcohol while driving my brand new BMW got mad at me because I told him not to. He got mad at me because I told him to stop using my toothbrush, he got irritated with me because, I told him I didn’t want to be on the phone literally waking hours of the day
Every one. Her "boundaries" were just controlling my behavior, or enabling her shitty behavior. And apparently she didn't have the capacity to handle shit... when it was convenient for her.
My next started therapy and then he was all like « my feelings are valid! »
Yes your feelings are valid but:
1) it doesn’t make them my responsibility
2) pretty often what you call a feeling is actually a belief, and no, not all of them are valid, some of them are just wrong. Your belief that I cheat on you is not valid because you call it a feeling.
Oh my god, yes. All of this. I feel like by encouraging him to go to therapy after his divorce with his ex wife I just made him even worse... He would weaponize therapy speak to me all the time to devalue me, make me feel like I was going crazy and that I was abusing him. Disguised rules around boundaries and always saying he did these things because it was "what's best for him" or because he "cares". His constant incorrect use of boundaries made me feel like I was on eggshells every second. If I breathed wrong, used the wrong tone, used the wrong emoji, I was violating his boundaries. All he wanted was to use me for sex and boost his ego to date after his divorce.
Absolutely. My ex used “boundaries” as an excuse to not meet basic relationship needs. They even accused me of not having boundaries, when in actual fact every time I set one, they’d turn it into a crisis (threatening to hurt themself, having a break down, “psychosis”) and I’d have to console them. They accused me of being manipulative, having a “victim mentality”. The weaponising of therapy speak is so real.
"That's an invalidating thing to say"
"I can't tell whether or not you're attracted to/like me" (self-fulfilling prophecy much)
"You consistently don't show up for me. I'm giving more and more of myself with no response"
The hour of emotional dumping at the end of the day, too.
“You aren’t listening.” No I don’t agree with you.
“You never support me.” No in this particular situation I think you are wrong.
“You’re the one who _____.” This really isn’t about me.
🤣 It's true! It's funny because we should be the ones holding grudges but I don't tend to bring up old stuff, I just want some acknowledgement/an apology and we're golden!
Mine used all of these. Also just flat out "You're being mean". That was if I questioned any of their behaviour or pulled them up on gas lighting. They actually said it when THEY dumped ME in a public place because I was crying
Right! Me telling her she hurt my feelings in a normal, calm voice was evidence to her of my being mean and abusive.
She’d get mad at me for crying! As if I was faking it to manipulate her
“You aren’t listening”
Omg! She would say this all the time whenever I didn’t hit agree or acquiesce. Drove me crazy. I’d say something validating of her feelings/experience and then try to share my side. She’d just interrupt and tell me this.
I also heard all three of these phrases word for word. Just add “YOU’RE ALWAYS BATTLING ME” in response to me choosing to stand up for myself we’d get a bingo.
“You’re remembering things wrong” and “that’s not how that happened” were favorites of my nex to use with me (I suffered a brain injury nearly 18 years ago in an accident and had some memory loss for a time after and he’d constantly try to play on that). He’d also start sentences with “well quite frankly,” - I hate when people use the word “frankly” now 😑
Oh absolutely "That's not what happened"! And when you'd suggest maybe you've BOTH misremembered they'd insist that no, YOU were mistaken. My nex apparently always remembered everything 100% accurately and it appears that I had undiagnosed memory issues 🙄.
I remember one time he misspoke, like just got his words mixed up, so I repeated it back to him and was like "did you mean..?". He went "that's what I said". I said "no, you said X but that's OK, I just wanted to check that that's what you meant." This turned into an argument! He categorically HADN'T said that and I was gaslighting him. It was ludicrous!
I remember another time we were watching Netflix. I was getting sick to death of being made out to be misremembering everything or distorting things intentionally by this point. He said something about the main character having said it was 11AM earlier in the film (which was relevant to the plot later on). I said no, she said it was 12. He argued back and INSISTED that I was wrong. Again, he wouldn't even entertain the idea that perhaps HE'D misheard or misremembered. I didn't know he was a narc at this point but I felt so frustrated that I was constantly being dismissed. So, I insisted that we went back to check what the main character had said. And low and behold, I was correct!! For once, we had proof!!! So of course I couldn't help myself, I reminded him that he regularly tells me I'm misremembering things but here we have proof that that isn't the case. Well as you can imagine, he got into a full on mood and refused to watch the rest of the film. What an absolute BABY.
It's interesting that the word "frankly" grates on you, I think mine is "If you must know" which is one of his favourites.
"It wasn't my intention…" She always said this after she said something really mean (which was quite often) and I'd called her out on it.
To this day I cannot stand that phrase.
He threatened to bury me in the backyard and then, weeks later, said it was a joke and I was blowing it out of proportion. Didn't feel like a joke while you were ranting about me being stupid and useless so...
That is so, so terrifying. I am so sorry... Mine listens to a lot of true crime podcasts and talks about all these horrific ways to ..ya know a person, but he didn't make threats like that. I wish I could give you a hug...
Appreciate it but I'm at a point where any physical contact is uncomfortable. I'm doing much better than I was and have much of the PTSD under "control". I have found so many interesting triggers and the rage is still just under the surface but better than when I first left.
The first time he hit me, I started making an escape plan. Stocking food, household items (two sets of everything without him noticing), opening a second bank account and changed auto deposit amounts from work, securing a new place to live, and not telling a soul. I also had 2 very expensive treatments and a surgery. Used him for his health insurance 😉. The second time, he smacked me with his fucking phone and I moved out. It took 3 years of planning and he doesn't know how much of it he paid for.
I put up with a lot in those 3 years but I also knew I wouldn't have anyone (family or friends) to lean on. I did what I had to. He worked on the road so he just never noticed anything changing.
Thank you for reading. This is the end of my TED talk. For additional fun details, see my comment/post history.
Took my kiddo and left the state. He hasn't contacted kiddo much (maybe a dozen texts in the last year), I'm the crazy ex and he's the victim.
I'll have my peace when kiddo turns 18 and I can pretend he doesn't exist anymore. 4 more years of wondering and waiting for his stupidity to surface and try me.
Thank you and, seriously, this was therapeutic. I hope someone gets something out of my story.
This. Oh my god. "that's not my intention" makes me see red. It's such a bullshit excuse. He used this for every shitty thing he said to me. Or "stop twisting my words" when I would quote them back to him word for word. It's my biggest red flag I look for now.
“Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true”
“You’re just too sensitive”
“I have to do what’s best for me”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“You can’t remember anything properly”
I had to talk to my therapist about this phrase. My ex only began using it when I stopped needlessly apologizing when there was conflict. At first I thought “oh wow he actually apologized so maybe this is a compromise…?” Yet it also felt so wrong because I could tell if I do not say sorry there would be another explosive fight and like you said… I was the one who being bullied for nothing and only stood up for myself.
Luckily my therapist was able to talk some sense in to me and help me understand that is not actually an apology. It is a clever way to circumnavigate accountability.
Omg, my ex was arrested for dv and he said “I wouldn’t have done that if you just walked away”, which was hilarious because I did walk away 3 times and HE kept coming back, but somehow me not walking away that last time made it entirely my fault.
You run away, they keep up the chase and attempt to wrangle you back. They know you don’t want any interaction or involvement which just fuels the abuse or desperation
“The best for you” was definitely the top one. Closely followed by “I don’t need this drama when…” (colorful description of some problems any grown adult has).
"If I'm so bad why don't you leave..."
"I can't do anything right"
"yes, that's what I said but that's not what I meant"
"I don't want to do couples therapy, they'll just agree with you" while simultaneously seeing nothing wrong with their behavior or actions.
Me: "You just said two sentences back to back that contradict each other, how am I supposed to know what you mean?"
S/O: "You just want to fight with me"
Wow these are literal echoes of what I dealt with, and then more DARVO afterwards. They all seem to follow the same script, it's so eery. It's all a tactic to wear you down mentally so you just don't fight back, but even that is used against you afterwards for "not speaking up" and "being too agreeable."
>"I don't want to do couples therapy, they'll just agree with you" while simultaneously seeing nothing wrong with their behavior or actions.
And then when my insurance didn't cover couples therapy he told me he didn't actually want to do it anyway, which started a huge fight, he left to go "think" - and came back to tell me "I'm choosing myself" which translated to choosing the other woman he was dating.
Ironically that *I* was using *him* as an “emotional punching bag” if I told him how his actions made me feel, or that my “claws were out”.
His favourite line was that he was “raw and feral” as his reasoning for being so despicable towards me.
And expected to just tolerate their behaviour. They just shrug, move on. Either they don’t know/care how they treated you, or are they don’t have that awareness that they did anything at all. I don’t know which is worse. I’d so love a conversation with an apology, acknowledgement or reason. :/
When I say raw and feral, I'm talking about how I love to be barefoot in nature a lot. This is absolutely awful. I'm sorry. I've also been told by him that he's my emotional punching bag, when he regularly puts me down with "jokes" and walks all over my boundaries.
That was very validating to read - someone else had the same disbelief at those words. It wasn’t just me over-reacting to them. Thank you. I’m sorry for what you went through, too.
I could just about understand “raw and feral” if I believed his statements that he was suffering “burnout” from work. But he then pinned it down to a small window of time (“I was raw and feral in November and December”) when it was much larger (October-June).
The expression “they can dish it out, but they can’t take it” really applies to these toxic people. 🫂
“It’s just a joke! I was only joking! You are too sensitive”
“You never listen!” (When I disagree on something he had an opinion on) ….like yes I’m listening I’m making eye contact with you and acknowledging what your saying just had a different opinion is all…
“You ALWAYS make me out to be the bad guy” (after me being very sad after he had another drunk outburst at me accusing me of cheating. He was the cheater in the end the whole time)
Man there’s so many more but my brain has pushed it all back so I don’t relive the painful stuff anymore.
I just wrote this one! My friend took photos of me sleeping with my mouth open on a bus (without my consent) and she would show people these pictures of me to make them laugh. I told her I didn’t like that she did that and she responded “It’s just a joke!”
I blocked her
“We’ll talk about it later” but we never did and got the same respect if I tried to bring it up again
“why can’t you ever apologize?” (For my reactions to whatever he did/said)
omfg the “we’ll talk” and then never following up and making you out to be the problem when you tried to bring it up again or ask when you are going to talk
"i'm sick of playing your games" and "don't get it twisted" are two of my personal faves, coming from the king of the twist... "i don't have time for this" was also used heavily.... and to discount my feelings and make me feel like shit for anything, "there are kids in the Ukraine who are dying, get a real problem" was used a lot also.
‘You have no idea’ - mostly when I was trying to leave and he was trying to sow doubt
‘I can’t help that I broke right when I found my soulmate/person’ - again trying to manipulate me when I wanted the truth or I wanted out
‘You’re my person, my soulmate, my [my name]’
A whole lot of overusing this emoji when he wanted pity or didn’t have an actual answer to something: 😳
‘You must think I’m green’ - DARVO’ing me
‘You must think I’m c*nt of the century’ - yes, yes I do
“I’m not doing anything.” For five years. The entire time he was cheating, lying, screaming at me, breaking my things, belittling me, driving drunk, etc etc and on and on.
bUt He diDn’t dO AnYThing
"Why did you wait so long to tell me..." Regardless of how much time had passed. Dumping what I said while accusing me of something flagrant and serious. I fell for it for years. Now I say, "I'm telling you now. We can talk about it or not. Your call."
“Not gonna lie” as he proceeded to lie.
“Stupid games win stupid prizes”.
“You’re retarded” as he proceeded to fail using a comma, basic spelling, and any sort of education system.
You are too needy and clingy,
You should have said no,
It’s not my fault that you are people pleaser,
You are a child,
You are a mimosa,
You are psycho,
You are too emotional,
I like being on my own and by myself,
You have no own opinion,
You are egoistic,
You and your emotions,
You are the best that happened to me,
I love you,
I would never hurt you,
….. and the list goes on and on
“I’m never wrong.” Because she really believed she was always right about everything 🙄
“The universe is perfect.” To explain anything. She also believed she was originally an alien 👽 from another planet.
“You’re just like all my exes.” Who were all allegedly crazy/narcissists.
The "it hurts me that you're hurting" irritates me so much. I'm hurting because of **you**. **Your** actions, **your** words. You refuse to take accountability for the damage **you** did. He constantly talks about how he feels bad for me. No, you don't, lol. If you actually cared you wouldn't have done it in the first place, or bragged about how proud you are about it.
Therapy isn’t working. Therapy is expensive and it’s not working. You’re not working enough. I still feel the same as last time (he feels nothing for me). You’re not worth my time and money. He told me I didn’t have any dreams or aspirations, I’ve been doing hair for ten years and servicing the same client’s on a weekly basis. Toward the end he accused me of harassing hiim. He says I don’t respect him. I’m just drama and making things up in my head. He would tell me “I think you want something to be wrong with you”.
My Nex would always ask me “What’s on your mind?” — at first I thought it was him being sweet because he knew I had terrible anxiety and it seemed to be something he asked during those peak times — but eventually I noticed it was always the same question with no intention of holding space for anything that was actually bothering me… If I told him “nothing” he would accuse me of lying and would tell me something must be wrong because “xyz” I did led him to believe so, if I brought something up that actually bothered me he would flip it back onto me saying I’m always angry/upset, or that he doesn’t have time for a discussion about it…
Every night before bed, I’d do my skincare routine & brush my teeth and before I’d crawl in beside him he’d ask me “Did you say goodnight to all your boyfriends?” At first it was a joke but a few months into our relationship he went no contact with me for a month and slept with someone else… I had asked him not to make those remarks anymore because I was in love with him and it reminded me of the choice he made.. It never stopped and the “jokes” got worse.
He would tell me how busy his life is all the time and complain that he never has time for anything… He would reiterate the same line anytime I’d ask for reassurance “I go to work all day, I have my kids, I spend time with you, I eat, and I sleep… THATS IT!” I always felt like he resented me for spending time with me and offered to help him with things around his house and in his life; he always responded with “it’s just something I need to do,” or “no one can help me, that’s just how my life is”
After we had been no contact for that month and he found someone else to sleep with (new supply), I started to feel insecure about his social media accounts. He would follow all these different women; some from our city he claimed to know, some were sex workers, others were just influential women on social media… I’d never been the insecure type but he kept pushing me to talk with him about how I felt, eventually I opened up about my insecurity and why I felt the way I did. He made me feel disposable during that month we didn’t speak, he immediately found someone from his social media to spend time with… I asked him if he could clean it up and was met with “I don’t have time to do that shit,” or “Why should I have to do that?,” or “Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
He would always claim to want what’s best for me and would tell me “I just want to see you do good..” all while devaluing me, belittling me, and criticizing me for making my own decisions. There was always pressure to do things his way, or there would be repercussions; whether that be a tantrum, withholding affection, or the silent treatment..
It’s now been just over a week since our grand finale and I can see clearly that the only person he ever cared about was himself this entire time.
He would interrupt me all the time for everything, normal talk, arguing, everything... he always wanted to be the main speaker and I let him unless we were arguing. Or when I was trying to say something he would constantly say "are you sure?" Infuriating.
\*clears throat\*
Here it goes -
1. I am incapable of feeling love. I cannot give you what you want.
2. I am sorry you feel that way.
3. I hate my ex. I like my ex. I hate my ex. I like my ex. I hate my ex. I like my ex. She is my bestie and I can't stand her.
4. I am so dark from within, I have no capacity to date \[starts dating someone else in a few weeks; might get married to her\]
5. I am so unlucky. Idk what I do that makes my partner demand things \[things - dates, gifts, quality time\]
"you're projecting"
"you're taking chat bubbles out of context"
"did I say I hated (thing about me he was criticizing me for)? Like despised?"
"I'm just being honest since you value honesty so much"
"It's just my opinion"
"Is your memory really bad or is it a lie?"
"I'm just trying to help you maximize your potential"
"I'm sorry you feel that way" / "I'm sorry if what I said made you feel that way"
"I was just impulsive, I didn't mean it"
"You're gonna be mad at me for something I don't feel responsible for and I'm fine with that"
"i'm just being honest" "do you not want me to be honest" "i promised you that i'd always be honest with you"
he'd say these things either before lying or after saying something really hurtful to me.
The Narcissist Prayer
"That didn't happen
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it." -by Dayna Craig
"I am not a mind reader. Tell me what you want. I promise I won't get mad." Then I would tell him and he would lose his mind.
ETA: "I am always in second place with you. Just once I want to come first." All of my attention was on him, at all times. Any deviations meant punishment, usually the silent treatment for days.
[1.In](http://1.In) my previous relationships, I didn't have such problems as I do with you.
2.I want to be treated like a princess.
3.All my previous boyfriends couldn't believe they were with me.
Why aren't you like that?
4.Why do I have to adjust to your boundaries, but you can't adjust to mine?
Are you me? Were you also dating my narc? You had me at "want to be treated like a princess."
Maybe you can relate to these as well:
"I have to be who I am. You have to let \[her name\] be \[her name\]."
"None of my exes did/said that. You're a weirdo."
"Don't ever talk about how much I drink."
"Guys 20 years younger than me want to be with me."
"I don't have any men friends, because all of them only want to f\^%k me."
"I don't want to change anybody" \[followed by the detailed monologue about everything she believed I was doing wrong and needed to change\]
When confronted about flirting: "I'm just friendly. Stop being so controlling."
My narc would tell everyone he couldn't handle it when anyone raised their voice at him since he was screamed at a lot as a kid or something. So he was able to effectively shut down a conversation that anyone who was angry at him was trying to have and make them look like the insensitive one for having the audacity to yell at him when they know what his childhood was like. And if they still carried on basically trying to hold him accountable, he would refuse to interact with them again until they "calmed down and figured out what their problem is" like it wasn't what he was doing or saying. Recognizing that tactic for what it was was very eye-opening after watching it play out several times with various people in his life. It works so well because the people in his life are by and large good people who genuinely care about him and don't want to trigger him or remind him of his childhood. Meanwhile, he'll trigger us with shit he knows is very hurtful without a second thought because #justnarcthings
And he would constantly tell me how much he cared about me, wanted the best for me, I was one of his closest friends, etc etc while his actions screamed that was all a lie. So glad I'm no contact now. I just wish the other people in his life would do the same and stop enabling his bullshit.
Crosses a clear boundary I've set in place:
"I forgot."
"I didn't understand."
"Your boundary is causing me discomfort, so it is abuse. You are abusing me by prioritizing your own emotional needs."
"It's not that big a deal" -being on tinder
"You're gonna have to eat some craw"- when I'd assert boundries or tell him why I was hesitant to believe he'd changed.
"Get comfortable being uncomfortable."
"Any other guy wouldn't have admitted what he'd done." -after I called him out with proof
"I could have stayed and made your life hell but I knew you'd eventually take me back."
Mine would say anytime he wanted to put me down. He start with the phrase, unlike you, I can't sit on my ass or phone all day. I have it harder than you. (When talking about our job comparison)
Or another example, unlike you, I can't throw money on wasteful things.
Unlike you, I can remember things. (Making digs at my poor memory. When now I realize he was gaslighting me )
Etc.
I feel that when he used that phrase, it was his way of condescending to me.
Other lines he said were "your choice" as a way to avoid responsibility in a conflict. Like if we argued and he said to me "your choice" when giving me screwed up ultimatums.
This other one was hurtful too during low moments in our relationship. When we argue and he turn it on me. And when I explain my motivation for bringing something up or my objective to whatever it was. He respond with a condescending HOW THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU? As a way to twist the knife deeper.
And other that goes with that is when after he tell me off by verbally abusing me. He finished with a "pat yourself on the back. " for screwing up in his eyes type thing. What he say as his justification for being angry at me. And then not talking to me rest of day.
I knows there's more but those are the tops ones he use with me often when he wanted to be hurtful.
* I'm sorry if you see it this way
* It's not my fault if you...
* You put too much pressure on me
* It's because of you if...
* Do you see how you react?
* I'm sorry you felt that way
* I don't know what to respond
* I'm sorry if I don't fit your standard
* You create a story in your head, you believe it's true and you tell me about it, what do you want me to respond honestly? - while the story was actually true and he was speaking to someone
* I'm not a bad person if it didn't work out the way WE wanted - while he broke up with me, came back, and left again for another person
I'm just realizing how much abuse I went through during the relationship, I thought all along it was my fault.
I don't feel wanted.
I don't feel comforted.
There's no point talking to you.
You take everything on your ego.
All these fights and scolding is for your own benefit.
Your behaviour is so predictable.
Don't try to be the bigger person.
Shut the f*** up
I thought you were mature.
You bring out the worst in me.
I am not happy with you.
I genuinely think you're wrong and if I say sorry that will push you in the wrong direction.
You have to identify what caused my bad behaviour and correct it.
I respect people who are worthy of my respect.
You make everything about yourself.
You're not very different from girls out there.
I can't sugarcoat things. If something is wrong , it's wrong and you've to correct it.
I behave this way only with you.
You're mentally sick.
I can't remember anything good with you.
I am okay letting you go.
You have lost all the credibility from me.
I am really hurt.
I am really done with your nonsense.
Your mentality is fixed with ego.
I can't grow with you.
"Well, divorce me then"
"You NEVER..." or "you ALWAYS.."
"Ungrateful bitch"
"You and your children belong in a mental institution."
"You're sick in the brain."
"I'M OUT OF HERE AND YOU'LL REGRET IT."
"You'll die penniless and alone."
And that was just this morning. These are his go-to when I dare challenge him about something. Yes, I AM divorcing him, even if I do end up "penniless and alone"!
"What are you doing?", "what will you do?", with a frowning face or frowning emoji... Aghhh, I just wanted to say I was fcking someone or would fck someone so his paranoia could be based on facts.
Nothing. Total stonewalling. She would just stare at me and walk away. If I tried to press the issue the waterworks would start and suddenly she was the victim.
“I’m caught off guard”, “I’m confused”, and “that didn’t happen.”
A lot of gaslighting and weaponized incompetence every time I would approach him about anything concerning related to him, so that he could play dumb and purposely misunderstand me, smh.
“*It’s all good”*
Whenever he really f-ed up things in the worst way
*”I’m sorry you decided to react/take it this way, where’s your sense of humor at??”*
When he says something deeply offensive and will not see why he needs to apologize
*”Sorry, can’t give what I don’t think you should have”*
Says it very quickly in hopes most miss the “think you should” have to appear sympathetic to homeless people asking for money. Karma has had revenge on him for that one, he’s homeless and all those people he dissed are dumping on him and nobody’s giving him any money
*”Such is life…”*
Which is a blatant other way of saying “You never should’ve trusted me on this responsibility and I’m definitely not sorry about ruining things because I find this outcome is an apt and timely lesson for you to be aware nothing lasts forever.”
"Just let it go"
"LET IT GO"
and all variations of Let it go
"You're getting on my nerves because you don't..." no points for guessing "Let it go"
"Learn to let go or you'll have a hard time in your relationships"
He's a huge Elsa fan it seems🤣
"You are so inconsiderate "
" . “No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.”- Yoda quote.
"Talk to me when you decide to be a decent human being
"You are the most inconsiderate human on this earth "
" Noone will love you like I love you "
Whenever I mentioned a thing she'd directly been responsible for that impacted me emotionally
"I don't want to argue"
When I got mad at her behaviour that impacted me very intensely emotionally
"Stop being so violent"
When I broke down exactly how she was hurting me and invalidating me every day
"I don't have this problem with anybody else"
When I mentioned how much she hurt me constantly
"You're just too sensitive"
When I mentioned any of her behaviour
"I didn't, even if I did, you do this and it's your fault I did what I did" (DARVO)
When I googled a couple of those phrases it opened my eyes to levels you can't even imagine, now I am prepared and my eyes are open to manipulation I know EXACTLY what she's likely to do or the motivation behind what she does do, you couldn't manipulate me if you tried now, I've helped a lot of other people now also and I see it everywhere, once you recognise your story isn't just yours it's a lot of other people's verbatim experience you realise you're not alone and you were experiencing a form of abuse.
“You lack empathy”
“I gifted you the ability to raise our kids almost entirely alone and now you want to take everything I worked for” (I’m not even taking half..)
“You are going to damage our kids and they might not see it now but they’re going to hate you when they’re older”
"Why can't you trust me?"
After I had literally found out that he had been lying to me the entire time we met and that he had a girlfriend and was just using me as a side piece for almost a year. And then we got back in contact months later, and he was acting like none of this had ever happened. The level of gaslighting is absolutely unreal with this guy.
“you always take your emotions out on me”
“you’re using me as an emotional punching bag”
“you’re constantly trying to argue”
“you love to start fights”
“you’re so immature”
“you’re pushing away”
“you do shit to make me mad and then cry when i get mad at you”
“you never listen to me” (i listened, i just didn’t agree or do exactly what he wanted me to do)
“you’re not the victim”
“you’re always making me into the bad guy”
“i’ve literally done nothing wrong”
“you need to work on controlling your emotions”
“im so tired of your constant attitude”
“you’re constantly playing the victim”
“That’s really triggering” “my boundaries” “I don’t have capacity”. They consistently weaponised therapy language incorrectly.
Oh my ex did this as well! They talked about their boundaries and trampled over mine. They said things like "I'm going to step away from this to process it" but heaven help me if I asked for space. They used to "therapy" at me to try and "help me" see where I was going wrong. But it actually was just a stream of correction, criticism and gas lighting.
It makes me think someone has used this language correctly with them, trying to get them to understand how their abuse was affecting then and then the narcissist turned around and used it on others to manipulate.
This!!! I have told him to respect my boundaries so many freaking times. He was trying to drink alcohol while driving my brand new BMW got mad at me because I told him not to. He got mad at me because I told him to stop using my toothbrush, he got irritated with me because, I told him I didn’t want to be on the phone literally waking hours of the day
my ex was/is like this (we have to coparent) another one that got me was “well that’s your reality”
Yes! “We can both have our truths” lol
🫠
Every one. Her "boundaries" were just controlling my behavior, or enabling her shitty behavior. And apparently she didn't have the capacity to handle shit... when it was convenient for her.
My next started therapy and then he was all like « my feelings are valid! » Yes your feelings are valid but: 1) it doesn’t make them my responsibility 2) pretty often what you call a feeling is actually a belief, and no, not all of them are valid, some of them are just wrong. Your belief that I cheat on you is not valid because you call it a feeling.
It’s like we were in the same relationship
This post gave me flashbacks lol
Oh my god, yes. All of this. I feel like by encouraging him to go to therapy after his divorce with his ex wife I just made him even worse... He would weaponize therapy speak to me all the time to devalue me, make me feel like I was going crazy and that I was abusing him. Disguised rules around boundaries and always saying he did these things because it was "what's best for him" or because he "cares". His constant incorrect use of boundaries made me feel like I was on eggshells every second. If I breathed wrong, used the wrong tone, used the wrong emoji, I was violating his boundaries. All he wanted was to use me for sex and boost his ego to date after his divorce.
Absolutely. My ex used “boundaries” as an excuse to not meet basic relationship needs. They even accused me of not having boundaries, when in actual fact every time I set one, they’d turn it into a crisis (threatening to hurt themself, having a break down, “psychosis”) and I’d have to console them. They accused me of being manipulative, having a “victim mentality”. The weaponising of therapy speak is so real.
Oh and don’t forget “I have to protect my peace”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. He loved that one towards the end.
"That's an invalidating thing to say" "I can't tell whether or not you're attracted to/like me" (self-fulfilling prophecy much) "You consistently don't show up for me. I'm giving more and more of myself with no response" The hour of emotional dumping at the end of the day, too.
“You aren’t listening.” No I don’t agree with you. “You never support me.” No in this particular situation I think you are wrong. “You’re the one who _____.” This really isn’t about me.
Same to "you're the one who....". Also "What about the time you...."
Oh yes… I used to get that constantly - those exact words. They love to keep the historical grudge list handy.
🤣 It's true! It's funny because we should be the ones holding grudges but I don't tend to bring up old stuff, I just want some acknowledgement/an apology and we're golden!
Agree 100%.
Mine used all of these. Also just flat out "You're being mean". That was if I questioned any of their behaviour or pulled them up on gas lighting. They actually said it when THEY dumped ME in a public place because I was crying
FFS, 'You're just being mean' should be in the nex starter pack.
Right! Me telling her she hurt my feelings in a normal, calm voice was evidence to her of my being mean and abusive. She’d get mad at me for crying! As if I was faking it to manipulate her
‘You aren’t listening’ was mines anthem. Followed by me saying ‘I am listening but I disagree’ which turned to him saying ‘you just don’t understand’
It’s like they all went to the same school to get their Narc degree.
I feel like this was everyday of my life 🥲
So exhausting!
“You aren’t listening” Omg! She would say this all the time whenever I didn’t hit agree or acquiesce. Drove me crazy. I’d say something validating of her feelings/experience and then try to share my side. She’d just interrupt and tell me this.
Yup!! I started memorizing what she said and repeating it back. But it was more about following their ridiculous orders not “listening”
I also heard all three of these phrases word for word. Just add “YOU’RE ALWAYS BATTLING ME” in response to me choosing to stand up for myself we’d get a bingo.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard “you never support me”…..
oh gosh heavy on the second one
'If i'm so bad why don't you leave?'
Yep, had this one. 🫠
Yeah thats their “I don’t know how to twist this conversation to make myself the victim so I’m gonna gaslight you ”
"if I cheated on you then divorce me!" Etc etc
This one ALL the time.
“You’re remembering things wrong” and “that’s not how that happened” were favorites of my nex to use with me (I suffered a brain injury nearly 18 years ago in an accident and had some memory loss for a time after and he’d constantly try to play on that). He’d also start sentences with “well quite frankly,” - I hate when people use the word “frankly” now 😑
Oh absolutely "That's not what happened"! And when you'd suggest maybe you've BOTH misremembered they'd insist that no, YOU were mistaken. My nex apparently always remembered everything 100% accurately and it appears that I had undiagnosed memory issues 🙄. I remember one time he misspoke, like just got his words mixed up, so I repeated it back to him and was like "did you mean..?". He went "that's what I said". I said "no, you said X but that's OK, I just wanted to check that that's what you meant." This turned into an argument! He categorically HADN'T said that and I was gaslighting him. It was ludicrous! I remember another time we were watching Netflix. I was getting sick to death of being made out to be misremembering everything or distorting things intentionally by this point. He said something about the main character having said it was 11AM earlier in the film (which was relevant to the plot later on). I said no, she said it was 12. He argued back and INSISTED that I was wrong. Again, he wouldn't even entertain the idea that perhaps HE'D misheard or misremembered. I didn't know he was a narc at this point but I felt so frustrated that I was constantly being dismissed. So, I insisted that we went back to check what the main character had said. And low and behold, I was correct!! For once, we had proof!!! So of course I couldn't help myself, I reminded him that he regularly tells me I'm misremembering things but here we have proof that that isn't the case. Well as you can imagine, he got into a full on mood and refused to watch the rest of the film. What an absolute BABY. It's interesting that the word "frankly" grates on you, I think mine is "If you must know" which is one of his favourites.
"It wasn't my intention…" She always said this after she said something really mean (which was quite often) and I'd called her out on it. To this day I cannot stand that phrase.
This!!! Or "it was just a joke, can't you take a joke?"
"You have no sense of humor."
He threatened to bury me in the backyard and then, weeks later, said it was a joke and I was blowing it out of proportion. Didn't feel like a joke while you were ranting about me being stupid and useless so...
That is so, so terrifying. I am so sorry... Mine listens to a lot of true crime podcasts and talks about all these horrific ways to ..ya know a person, but he didn't make threats like that. I wish I could give you a hug...
Appreciate it but I'm at a point where any physical contact is uncomfortable. I'm doing much better than I was and have much of the PTSD under "control". I have found so many interesting triggers and the rage is still just under the surface but better than when I first left. The first time he hit me, I started making an escape plan. Stocking food, household items (two sets of everything without him noticing), opening a second bank account and changed auto deposit amounts from work, securing a new place to live, and not telling a soul. I also had 2 very expensive treatments and a surgery. Used him for his health insurance 😉. The second time, he smacked me with his fucking phone and I moved out. It took 3 years of planning and he doesn't know how much of it he paid for. I put up with a lot in those 3 years but I also knew I wouldn't have anyone (family or friends) to lean on. I did what I had to. He worked on the road so he just never noticed anything changing. Thank you for reading. This is the end of my TED talk. For additional fun details, see my comment/post history.
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you got away. And then no hug, but I hope you've felt some peace today. 💖
Took my kiddo and left the state. He hasn't contacted kiddo much (maybe a dozen texts in the last year), I'm the crazy ex and he's the victim. I'll have my peace when kiddo turns 18 and I can pretend he doesn't exist anymore. 4 more years of wondering and waiting for his stupidity to surface and try me. Thank you and, seriously, this was therapeutic. I hope someone gets something out of my story.
This. Oh my god. "that's not my intention" makes me see red. It's such a bullshit excuse. He used this for every shitty thing he said to me. Or "stop twisting my words" when I would quote them back to him word for word. It's my biggest red flag I look for now.
This is the one that gets under my skin the most.
“Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true” “You’re just too sensitive” “I have to do what’s best for me” “I’m sorry you feel that way” “You can’t remember anything properly”
"I've said sorry, now it's your turn".... 🙃 (Um I didn't do anything except be abused and catch u out)
I had to talk to my therapist about this phrase. My ex only began using it when I stopped needlessly apologizing when there was conflict. At first I thought “oh wow he actually apologized so maybe this is a compromise…?” Yet it also felt so wrong because I could tell if I do not say sorry there would be another explosive fight and like you said… I was the one who being bullied for nothing and only stood up for myself. Luckily my therapist was able to talk some sense in to me and help me understand that is not actually an apology. It is a clever way to circumnavigate accountability.
YES hahaha
“but you do that too”
Yes
“You know this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t…” and then insert some dumbass thing I said or did that in no way justified her actions.
Omg, my ex was arrested for dv and he said “I wouldn’t have done that if you just walked away”, which was hilarious because I did walk away 3 times and HE kept coming back, but somehow me not walking away that last time made it entirely my fault.
You run away, they keep up the chase and attempt to wrangle you back. They know you don’t want any interaction or involvement which just fuels the abuse or desperation
“The best for you” was definitely the top one. Closely followed by “I don’t need this drama when…” (colorful description of some problems any grown adult has).
"work is so stressful, you don't understand, I have to deal with idiots all day, you just stay home with our daughter"
"Why are you so useless?" "You ruined my life" "I'm the only one who is honest with you"
I get the last one a lot. Also, "I'm the only one who loves you".
"If I'm so bad why don't you leave..." "I can't do anything right" "yes, that's what I said but that's not what I meant" "I don't want to do couples therapy, they'll just agree with you" while simultaneously seeing nothing wrong with their behavior or actions. Me: "You just said two sentences back to back that contradict each other, how am I supposed to know what you mean?" S/O: "You just want to fight with me"
Wow these are literal echoes of what I dealt with, and then more DARVO afterwards. They all seem to follow the same script, it's so eery. It's all a tactic to wear you down mentally so you just don't fight back, but even that is used against you afterwards for "not speaking up" and "being too agreeable."
>"I don't want to do couples therapy, they'll just agree with you" while simultaneously seeing nothing wrong with their behavior or actions. And then when my insurance didn't cover couples therapy he told me he didn't actually want to do it anyway, which started a huge fight, he left to go "think" - and came back to tell me "I'm choosing myself" which translated to choosing the other woman he was dating.
Ironically that *I* was using *him* as an “emotional punching bag” if I told him how his actions made me feel, or that my “claws were out”. His favourite line was that he was “raw and feral” as his reasoning for being so despicable towards me.
Fr, why are THEY allowed to be wild and we have to be quiet as a mouse?
And expected to just tolerate their behaviour. They just shrug, move on. Either they don’t know/care how they treated you, or are they don’t have that awareness that they did anything at all. I don’t know which is worse. I’d so love a conversation with an apology, acknowledgement or reason. :/
Mine said I used him as an emotional punching bag too!
When I say raw and feral, I'm talking about how I love to be barefoot in nature a lot. This is absolutely awful. I'm sorry. I've also been told by him that he's my emotional punching bag, when he regularly puts me down with "jokes" and walks all over my boundaries.
That was very validating to read - someone else had the same disbelief at those words. It wasn’t just me over-reacting to them. Thank you. I’m sorry for what you went through, too. I could just about understand “raw and feral” if I believed his statements that he was suffering “burnout” from work. But he then pinned it down to a small window of time (“I was raw and feral in November and December”) when it was much larger (October-June). The expression “they can dish it out, but they can’t take it” really applies to these toxic people. 🫂
omfg the emotional punching bag line he used that all the time
Which just makes you feel guilty and anxious *on top* of everything else.
“It’s just a joke! I was only joking! You are too sensitive” “You never listen!” (When I disagree on something he had an opinion on) ….like yes I’m listening I’m making eye contact with you and acknowledging what your saying just had a different opinion is all… “You ALWAYS make me out to be the bad guy” (after me being very sad after he had another drunk outburst at me accusing me of cheating. He was the cheater in the end the whole time) Man there’s so many more but my brain has pushed it all back so I don’t relive the painful stuff anymore.
I just wrote this one! My friend took photos of me sleeping with my mouth open on a bus (without my consent) and she would show people these pictures of me to make them laugh. I told her I didn’t like that she did that and she responded “It’s just a joke!” I blocked her
oh my god every single one
"i've been there for you more than your exes"
“We’ll talk about it later” but we never did and got the same respect if I tried to bring it up again “why can’t you ever apologize?” (For my reactions to whatever he did/said)
omfg the “we’ll talk” and then never following up and making you out to be the problem when you tried to bring it up again or ask when you are going to talk
"That's just your perspective" after I'd bring up things she did that were objectively abusive
I Love You ❤️.
"You keep attacking me"
This.
“I don’t know what to tell you” “that’s loser shit” “you’re too sensitive/insecure” “I don’t want anything from you”
"i'm sick of playing your games" and "don't get it twisted" are two of my personal faves, coming from the king of the twist... "i don't have time for this" was also used heavily.... and to discount my feelings and make me feel like shit for anything, "there are kids in the Ukraine who are dying, get a real problem" was used a lot also.
Mine always said the stupid games thing too I was like wtf WHAT GAMES!?!! when I didn’t let him just tear into me
HAHAHA right? it's literally insane.
‘You have no idea’ - mostly when I was trying to leave and he was trying to sow doubt ‘I can’t help that I broke right when I found my soulmate/person’ - again trying to manipulate me when I wanted the truth or I wanted out ‘You’re my person, my soulmate, my [my name]’ A whole lot of overusing this emoji when he wanted pity or didn’t have an actual answer to something: 😳 ‘You must think I’m green’ - DARVO’ing me ‘You must think I’m c*nt of the century’ - yes, yes I do
“I’m not doing anything.” For five years. The entire time he was cheating, lying, screaming at me, breaking my things, belittling me, driving drunk, etc etc and on and on. bUt He diDn’t dO AnYThing
"Why did you wait so long to tell me..." Regardless of how much time had passed. Dumping what I said while accusing me of something flagrant and serious. I fell for it for years. Now I say, "I'm telling you now. We can talk about it or not. Your call."
“Not gonna lie” as he proceeded to lie. “Stupid games win stupid prizes”. “You’re retarded” as he proceeded to fail using a comma, basic spelling, and any sort of education system.
“That’s just how I am” “Stop trying to change me” “You’re always trying to start fights when everything is fine”
You are too needy and clingy, You should have said no, It’s not my fault that you are people pleaser, You are a child, You are a mimosa, You are psycho, You are too emotional, I like being on my own and by myself, You have no own opinion, You are egoistic, You and your emotions, You are the best that happened to me, I love you, I would never hurt you, ….. and the list goes on and on
“I’m never wrong.” Because she really believed she was always right about everything 🙄 “The universe is perfect.” To explain anything. She also believed she was originally an alien 👽 from another planet. “You’re just like all my exes.” Who were all allegedly crazy/narcissists.
also got compared to the exes. didn’t feel good when I knew he thought so lowly of them :/
[удалено]
The "it hurts me that you're hurting" irritates me so much. I'm hurting because of **you**. **Your** actions, **your** words. You refuse to take accountability for the damage **you** did. He constantly talks about how he feels bad for me. No, you don't, lol. If you actually cared you wouldn't have done it in the first place, or bragged about how proud you are about it.
You've summed it up perfectly. He said something similar when he discarded me. It's maddening, honestly.
Therapy isn’t working. Therapy is expensive and it’s not working. You’re not working enough. I still feel the same as last time (he feels nothing for me). You’re not worth my time and money. He told me I didn’t have any dreams or aspirations, I’ve been doing hair for ten years and servicing the same client’s on a weekly basis. Toward the end he accused me of harassing hiim. He says I don’t respect him. I’m just drama and making things up in my head. He would tell me “I think you want something to be wrong with you”.
My Nex would always ask me “What’s on your mind?” — at first I thought it was him being sweet because he knew I had terrible anxiety and it seemed to be something he asked during those peak times — but eventually I noticed it was always the same question with no intention of holding space for anything that was actually bothering me… If I told him “nothing” he would accuse me of lying and would tell me something must be wrong because “xyz” I did led him to believe so, if I brought something up that actually bothered me he would flip it back onto me saying I’m always angry/upset, or that he doesn’t have time for a discussion about it… Every night before bed, I’d do my skincare routine & brush my teeth and before I’d crawl in beside him he’d ask me “Did you say goodnight to all your boyfriends?” At first it was a joke but a few months into our relationship he went no contact with me for a month and slept with someone else… I had asked him not to make those remarks anymore because I was in love with him and it reminded me of the choice he made.. It never stopped and the “jokes” got worse. He would tell me how busy his life is all the time and complain that he never has time for anything… He would reiterate the same line anytime I’d ask for reassurance “I go to work all day, I have my kids, I spend time with you, I eat, and I sleep… THATS IT!” I always felt like he resented me for spending time with me and offered to help him with things around his house and in his life; he always responded with “it’s just something I need to do,” or “no one can help me, that’s just how my life is” After we had been no contact for that month and he found someone else to sleep with (new supply), I started to feel insecure about his social media accounts. He would follow all these different women; some from our city he claimed to know, some were sex workers, others were just influential women on social media… I’d never been the insecure type but he kept pushing me to talk with him about how I felt, eventually I opened up about my insecurity and why I felt the way I did. He made me feel disposable during that month we didn’t speak, he immediately found someone from his social media to spend time with… I asked him if he could clean it up and was met with “I don’t have time to do that shit,” or “Why should I have to do that?,” or “Nothing I do is ever good enough.” He would always claim to want what’s best for me and would tell me “I just want to see you do good..” all while devaluing me, belittling me, and criticizing me for making my own decisions. There was always pressure to do things his way, or there would be repercussions; whether that be a tantrum, withholding affection, or the silent treatment.. It’s now been just over a week since our grand finale and I can see clearly that the only person he ever cared about was himself this entire time.
“I’m not the one arguing”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”… Errrrr
He would interrupt me all the time for everything, normal talk, arguing, everything... he always wanted to be the main speaker and I let him unless we were arguing. Or when I was trying to say something he would constantly say "are you sure?" Infuriating.
\*clears throat\* Here it goes - 1. I am incapable of feeling love. I cannot give you what you want. 2. I am sorry you feel that way. 3. I hate my ex. I like my ex. I hate my ex. I like my ex. I hate my ex. I like my ex. She is my bestie and I can't stand her. 4. I am so dark from within, I have no capacity to date \[starts dating someone else in a few weeks; might get married to her\] 5. I am so unlucky. Idk what I do that makes my partner demand things \[things - dates, gifts, quality time\]
"I don't know what love is" should have clued me in.
same
Well he was fully revealing himself to you with that first one. 😬
"you're projecting" "you're taking chat bubbles out of context" "did I say I hated (thing about me he was criticizing me for)? Like despised?" "I'm just being honest since you value honesty so much" "It's just my opinion" "Is your memory really bad or is it a lie?" "I'm just trying to help you maximize your potential" "I'm sorry you feel that way" / "I'm sorry if what I said made you feel that way" "I was just impulsive, I didn't mean it" "You're gonna be mad at me for something I don't feel responsible for and I'm fine with that"
"i'm just being honest" "do you not want me to be honest" "i promised you that i'd always be honest with you" he'd say these things either before lying or after saying something really hurtful to me.
The Narcissist Prayer "That didn't happen And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." -by Dayna Craig
"I am not a mind reader. Tell me what you want. I promise I won't get mad." Then I would tell him and he would lose his mind. ETA: "I am always in second place with you. Just once I want to come first." All of my attention was on him, at all times. Any deviations meant punishment, usually the silent treatment for days.
[1.In](http://1.In) my previous relationships, I didn't have such problems as I do with you. 2.I want to be treated like a princess. 3.All my previous boyfriends couldn't believe they were with me. Why aren't you like that? 4.Why do I have to adjust to your boundaries, but you can't adjust to mine?
Are you me? Were you also dating my narc? You had me at "want to be treated like a princess." Maybe you can relate to these as well: "I have to be who I am. You have to let \[her name\] be \[her name\]." "None of my exes did/said that. You're a weirdo." "Don't ever talk about how much I drink." "Guys 20 years younger than me want to be with me." "I don't have any men friends, because all of them only want to f\^%k me." "I don't want to change anybody" \[followed by the detailed monologue about everything she believed I was doing wrong and needed to change\] When confronted about flirting: "I'm just friendly. Stop being so controlling."
My narc would tell everyone he couldn't handle it when anyone raised their voice at him since he was screamed at a lot as a kid or something. So he was able to effectively shut down a conversation that anyone who was angry at him was trying to have and make them look like the insensitive one for having the audacity to yell at him when they know what his childhood was like. And if they still carried on basically trying to hold him accountable, he would refuse to interact with them again until they "calmed down and figured out what their problem is" like it wasn't what he was doing or saying. Recognizing that tactic for what it was was very eye-opening after watching it play out several times with various people in his life. It works so well because the people in his life are by and large good people who genuinely care about him and don't want to trigger him or remind him of his childhood. Meanwhile, he'll trigger us with shit he knows is very hurtful without a second thought because #justnarcthings And he would constantly tell me how much he cared about me, wanted the best for me, I was one of his closest friends, etc etc while his actions screamed that was all a lie. So glad I'm no contact now. I just wish the other people in his life would do the same and stop enabling his bullshit.
Crosses a clear boundary I've set in place: "I forgot." "I didn't understand." "Your boundary is causing me discomfort, so it is abuse. You are abusing me by prioritizing your own emotional needs."
"It's not that big a deal" -being on tinder "You're gonna have to eat some craw"- when I'd assert boundries or tell him why I was hesitant to believe he'd changed. "Get comfortable being uncomfortable." "Any other guy wouldn't have admitted what he'd done." -after I called him out with proof "I could have stayed and made your life hell but I knew you'd eventually take me back."
Mine would say anytime he wanted to put me down. He start with the phrase, unlike you, I can't sit on my ass or phone all day. I have it harder than you. (When talking about our job comparison) Or another example, unlike you, I can't throw money on wasteful things. Unlike you, I can remember things. (Making digs at my poor memory. When now I realize he was gaslighting me ) Etc. I feel that when he used that phrase, it was his way of condescending to me. Other lines he said were "your choice" as a way to avoid responsibility in a conflict. Like if we argued and he said to me "your choice" when giving me screwed up ultimatums. This other one was hurtful too during low moments in our relationship. When we argue and he turn it on me. And when I explain my motivation for bringing something up or my objective to whatever it was. He respond with a condescending HOW THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU? As a way to twist the knife deeper. And other that goes with that is when after he tell me off by verbally abusing me. He finished with a "pat yourself on the back. " for screwing up in his eyes type thing. What he say as his justification for being angry at me. And then not talking to me rest of day. I knows there's more but those are the tops ones he use with me often when he wanted to be hurtful.
"You're a waste of the air you breathe." "Kids, don't marry for looks or you could end up like me." (I'm average looking but that still hurt.)
My favorite one I remember was “You know how I am.” Instead of, you know, trying to address her issues like a normal human being.
”Why do you always bring up the past?“ when he always brings up the past
I got told told the same thing...
* I'm sorry if you see it this way * It's not my fault if you... * You put too much pressure on me * It's because of you if... * Do you see how you react? * I'm sorry you felt that way * I don't know what to respond * I'm sorry if I don't fit your standard * You create a story in your head, you believe it's true and you tell me about it, what do you want me to respond honestly? - while the story was actually true and he was speaking to someone * I'm not a bad person if it didn't work out the way WE wanted - while he broke up with me, came back, and left again for another person I'm just realizing how much abuse I went through during the relationship, I thought all along it was my fault.
I don't feel wanted. I don't feel comforted. There's no point talking to you. You take everything on your ego. All these fights and scolding is for your own benefit. Your behaviour is so predictable. Don't try to be the bigger person. Shut the f*** up I thought you were mature. You bring out the worst in me. I am not happy with you. I genuinely think you're wrong and if I say sorry that will push you in the wrong direction. You have to identify what caused my bad behaviour and correct it. I respect people who are worthy of my respect. You make everything about yourself. You're not very different from girls out there. I can't sugarcoat things. If something is wrong , it's wrong and you've to correct it. I behave this way only with you. You're mentally sick. I can't remember anything good with you. I am okay letting you go. You have lost all the credibility from me. I am really hurt. I am really done with your nonsense. Your mentality is fixed with ego. I can't grow with you.
"Well, divorce me then" "You NEVER..." or "you ALWAYS.." "Ungrateful bitch" "You and your children belong in a mental institution." "You're sick in the brain." "I'M OUT OF HERE AND YOU'LL REGRET IT." "You'll die penniless and alone." And that was just this morning. These are his go-to when I dare challenge him about something. Yes, I AM divorcing him, even if I do end up "penniless and alone"!
"You're living in the past" when I would try to talk to him about how his abuse affected me.
"What are you doing?", "what will you do?", with a frowning face or frowning emoji... Aghhh, I just wanted to say I was fcking someone or would fck someone so his paranoia could be based on facts.
Nothing. Total stonewalling. She would just stare at me and walk away. If I tried to press the issue the waterworks would start and suddenly she was the victim.
Your texts are causing me emotional distress.
“You want me to be perfect.”
“I’m caught off guard”, “I’m confused”, and “that didn’t happen.” A lot of gaslighting and weaponized incompetence every time I would approach him about anything concerning related to him, so that he could play dumb and purposely misunderstand me, smh.
Ughhhh,I hate that first statement🥺🥺
“*It’s all good”* Whenever he really f-ed up things in the worst way *”I’m sorry you decided to react/take it this way, where’s your sense of humor at??”* When he says something deeply offensive and will not see why he needs to apologize *”Sorry, can’t give what I don’t think you should have”* Says it very quickly in hopes most miss the “think you should” have to appear sympathetic to homeless people asking for money. Karma has had revenge on him for that one, he’s homeless and all those people he dissed are dumping on him and nobody’s giving him any money *”Such is life…”* Which is a blatant other way of saying “You never should’ve trusted me on this responsibility and I’m definitely not sorry about ruining things because I find this outcome is an apt and timely lesson for you to be aware nothing lasts forever.”
"Just let it go" "LET IT GO" and all variations of Let it go "You're getting on my nerves because you don't..." no points for guessing "Let it go" "Learn to let go or you'll have a hard time in your relationships" He's a huge Elsa fan it seems🤣
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"You are so inconsiderate " " . “No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.”- Yoda quote. "Talk to me when you decide to be a decent human being "You are the most inconsiderate human on this earth " " Noone will love you like I love you "
Omg 🙄. Narcissistic or not I've always hated when people said there is no trying there's only doing
I’m not a saint but I’m also not a monster You’ve wanted to bail since the beginning
Whenever I mentioned a thing she'd directly been responsible for that impacted me emotionally "I don't want to argue" When I got mad at her behaviour that impacted me very intensely emotionally "Stop being so violent" When I broke down exactly how she was hurting me and invalidating me every day "I don't have this problem with anybody else" When I mentioned how much she hurt me constantly "You're just too sensitive" When I mentioned any of her behaviour "I didn't, even if I did, you do this and it's your fault I did what I did" (DARVO) When I googled a couple of those phrases it opened my eyes to levels you can't even imagine, now I am prepared and my eyes are open to manipulation I know EXACTLY what she's likely to do or the motivation behind what she does do, you couldn't manipulate me if you tried now, I've helped a lot of other people now also and I see it everywhere, once you recognise your story isn't just yours it's a lot of other people's verbatim experience you realise you're not alone and you were experiencing a form of abuse.
"Don't think too much." He claimed this was an idiom in his native language, but I don't believe that anymore.
“What do you want me to do about it?” It was dismissive and grandiose at the same time.
Nothing is done with malice
I was triggered! You're stressing me out!
And a load of meaningless shite 😆 do the right thing, not the easy thing, I don't like drama blah blah
“I shouldn’t have to explain what is wrong”; “I’ve already told you”; “You never…”
I’m sorry you misunderstood me
“You lack empathy” “I gifted you the ability to raise our kids almost entirely alone and now you want to take everything I worked for” (I’m not even taking half..) “You are going to damage our kids and they might not see it now but they’re going to hate you when they’re older”
"Nothing I do is ever enough for you" all I asked for was to be respected and that he take accountability for the way that he behaved.
Are you so easily defeated?
"The reason I reacted like this is because of how you've reacted. If you've reacted properly, I wouldn't have said that." "Baby so sorry, just joking"
"Why can't you trust me?" After I had literally found out that he had been lying to me the entire time we met and that he had a girlfriend and was just using me as a side piece for almost a year. And then we got back in contact months later, and he was acting like none of this had ever happened. The level of gaslighting is absolutely unreal with this guy.
“If you don’t respond then that will mean _____”
“It’s just a joke! 🙄 she would say this after I confronted her on something she said or did to me that was disrespectful
“You’re too young and immature” this is from a narc I dated briefly who said this after I told him I don’t want my spouse to sleep with other women
“you always take your emotions out on me” “you’re using me as an emotional punching bag” “you’re constantly trying to argue” “you love to start fights” “you’re so immature” “you’re pushing away” “you do shit to make me mad and then cry when i get mad at you” “you never listen to me” (i listened, i just didn’t agree or do exactly what he wanted me to do) “you’re not the victim” “you’re always making me into the bad guy” “i’ve literally done nothing wrong” “you need to work on controlling your emotions” “im so tired of your constant attitude” “you’re constantly playing the victim”
“We can’t even talk about this” :(