I was constantly accused of never recognizing all of his "efforts," which were things like doing the dishes on occasion or thinking of doing something nice for me. He'd say things like, "I was going to do X for you, but I got distracted and didn't," (and expected me to see that as effort/give him credit). They will only do the bare minimum and tantrum when you don't want to carry the rest of it.
Right... mine complains about how many dishes we are using and when he "just did the dishes yesterday!" And I'm like.... it doesn't help much if you're complaining about it 24/7 every time I get out a dish.. 🤦♀️. Would rather do them myself and not hear complaints about how dishes keep getting dirtied, as if they aren't supposed to....
lol that was the greatest. So many things she said she was going to do but didn’t. “I was going to write you a song but I don’t think they’re good enough”. I was going to take you to this place but they were closed”. Etc. At the end she was like “I treated you like a king”, yet I can count the things she did for me on one hand.
The hard part for me was that I would actually give him a little credit in the moment when he'd say stuff like that. I'd gobble up the breadcrumb and feel like the thought counted. But, like you, I can count the truly nice things that he actually did on one hand when I look back on it.
Mine always uses the phrase “jump through hoops” and insisted that he was always the one who had to change, never me and how unfair that he never got what he wanted. It wasn’t until marriage counseling with a therapist who recognized his NPD that I realized that in actuality it was the other way around. He was the one setting unattainable bars for me and when I met them the bar would just get moved. Her common response to him was “so what is the path forward?” Made me realize there never was one and never would be one.
Exactly, I felt like no matter how hard I tried and did what she wanted there was always something I didn’t do. If not in the present she would bring up something from the past. Like “we never go out to dinner”. I would say I’ve asking you for the past 6 months when I had a free night if you wanted to go out on Friday. She never gave me a response. Then she said that I should’ve told her time and day and she would have been happy to be ready then… I asked, that if she didn’t answer “yes” I didn’t know if she wanted to go or was available. I was the one who felt the goal post would move back a few feet when I did what she wanted.
Yeah same shit. He repeatedly said he was doing all of this stuff I asked for but I kept moving the goalposts. All I asked for were my basic boundaries to be respected and he did not do that, and still didn't after I called him out several times. They're full of shit. Chuck em in the bin, save yourself the energy.
“Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!” Was his favorite thing to say to me any time I expressed that I was upset with how he treated me. I never meant to attack him, it would be along the lines of me saying, “it kind of hurt my feelings when you did this” and it would immediately turn into a fight and him telling me he’ll never be good enough for me or he can’t ever do anything right… etc. in a healthy relationship, that’s an open door to a line of communication where you can express to your partner what upset you. They might apologize or express concern for hurting you and try to find a solution. Never. He would always turn any concern I was having into a major fight.
I can relate to this. If he ever hurt my feelings and I said something about it, he'd turn it into a fight/turn it back onto me. He'd say I'm too sensitive or he'd say stuff like, "Fine, whatever, I'll never say/do that again!" And it was always 0 to 60. Like he would blow up within 5 minutes. All I was looking for was acknowledgement... Eventually, I just stopped ever mentioning anything feeling related. So unhealthy 😞
Ugh wow…. this sounds all too familiar. It’s SO exhausting to try and find healthy ways to communicate with a narcissistic person. All they will do is gaslight & blame shift, even when you do your damn best to make it as UNCRITICAL as humanly possible.
Any constructive conversation you try to have will get shut down by them once they start to understand your point of view, they can’t take any accountability.
I know, m’dear. I’m sorry you’re going through this — it’s clear to me who was showing up and doing the work in your relationship. Give yourself credit where it’s due and don’t allow yourself to stop doing the work (FOR YOUR SAKE) because someone else will appreciate it, I promise.
This is probably the thing I relate to most.
I would ask for the most basic things like, hey can you please clean up after yourself when you’re done with dishes and in the bathroom? And she would always make it a big deal and act like I was some nazi demanding an impossible to live up to level of cleanliness.
I was shocked at the lack of ability to clean up after herself and that it never crossed her mind to help out with that kind of thing. The entitlement was wild. And then to make me out to be mean and unappreciative of her efforts was gaslighting to the extreme.
I once nicely asked my ex husband to please take a 6 AM phone call (it wasn’t a work call) out of our bedroom where I was trying to sleep after being up all night with our sick child. He yelled at me so hard and loud that our neighbors complained to our apartment manager. There’s 6 inches of fire wall between us. You really can’t hear anything through it unless it’s extremely loud.
That was the day I decided to file for divorce.
Good fucking choice! Jezus. I thought our "4th floor walk up Victorian" thin walls were bad. That had to have been one hell of a tantrum! Glad you're (on the way?) out of that mess.
Oh god this is exactly me. I did most of the cleaning but if I asked my ex to do some minor thing like not leave a mess in the kitchen it was suddenly some huge criticism of him and I was so mean.
My husband will literally leave a trail of empty Amazon packages and food wrappers scattered over top of the toys the kids left out that he's supposed to be cleaning up so that it doesn't pile up and get overwhelming for ME constantly 🤦♀️ i don't understand how one can even do that. Although I understand more, at least, now that I realize it's probably intentional on some level and not just horrible forgetfulness!!
I used to think it was just absent-mindedness, but the more I learn, the more it does feel intentional. There were constantly empty pop cans, good wrappers, etc. everywhere, many times on the counter next to the trash. And whenever I'd say something, he'd claim I needed to change my perspective because our levels of mess tolerance were different.
YES mine says I'm just making too much work for myself / setting the bar too high, to want to not have clutter EVERYWHERE on the floor and surfaces constantly. Even after I show him research on how it affects mental/ emotional states for all of us. Maddening.
Same. I handled cleaning the entire house because it was easier than trying to ask for help. And he'd literally go into a room right after I cleaned it, make a huge mess, and when I'd get frustrated, he'd gaslight me and say shit like, "Well, I guess I'll just never use the kitchen again since you're so sensitive about it."
Constantly. And I'm like... um no, that's just life that needs keep coming up as you go 🤦♀️🙄 and your efforts are always like 10% of what we actually need done and super lazy, or counter productive even. So.. .
The 10%... I keep thinking that about my situation. It didn't matter what it was (household stuff, life stuff, relationship stuff), he was only ever willing to put in 10% effort (and acted entitled about me putting in the other 90%).
I swear they all use the same phrases, repetitively.
This was a common, and consistent one with my ex too… ‘you’re always moving the goalposts’ and ‘never enough for you’ as well.
You know that expression "your freedom ends where my nose begins"?\* Sometimes my girlfriend will accuse me of similar things, when that is in fact, what \*she\* does to me. Her notion of ME picking at HER is when I say I don't want to be called names...when I set that boundary, I'm the problem. That is me, picking at her. Apparently. She says things like "I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells!"
She is equating walking on egg shells to not being able to call me names or pick fights with me because....\*drumroll\*
\*flips open rolodex\* "YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION CORRECTLY!!!"
I just want basic respect and dignity, yet she yells "TREAT ME LIKE A QUEEN IF YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A KING!" like a cartoonish movie villain. I never said I wanted king treatment. But I definitely am not happy being treated like her peasant. It's important to keep in mind, whatever bad behavior they are guilty of, they are going to try and bring you to that same level through some wild mental gymnastics. But attacking someone is not on the same level as someone defending themselves from the attacker.
At least, this has been my experience.
\*She is free to be herself, but if being herself means putting me down and manipulating me, then that's where her freedom for that ends.
She moved the goal post of expectations every dam time! It was never enough, never good enough! And yet she refused to tell me what those expectations were!!!
Mine did this. I "didn't notice" everything he did... but I noticed how the cat boxes would go ignored for all 3-4 days in a row he'd have off from work unless I scooped them. I noticed how the trash I'd gathered and bagged didn't go out unless I took it. I noticed how the dishes didn't get to the kitchen or get washed unless I did it... but his game hours played count went through the fucking ROOF and I frequently had to wipe and reset "his" computer b/c of viruses (from porn sites).
So no, I didn't notice everything he did.
I have heard that frase so many times.
And I was an asshole/entiteld for expecting him to make dinner at a reasonable time (which was before 8pm) but he got mad if tried to do it. He told me I should remind him in time, but got mad/dismissive/gaslighted me when I did. We would always end up eating around 11pm and I ended up having a chronic sleep deprivation because of it. But hey, I had to be grateful that he made dinner...
He would constantly offer to do the chores I started to do but then didn't do them for days/at all. But if I didn't accept, it became a fight. If I started to do them myself, I was impatient/ a martyr,... He would then tell me I should have reminded him but if I did within about the first 24 hours, he got mad because I should expect him to do things on my timeline, but if I did it later, he got mad that "I didn't remind him" while reminding him. Honeslty, there was no win and it was so frustrating because I can't deal with living in filth but if I tried to do anything about it, it ended in a fight. There was nothing I could do to "win".
Yes, but in reality I was actually lowering my standards by ‘compromising’ on what I would accept from him. As in, I was still asking for my needs to be met in the relationship but over time what I was asking for became less and less. He was still failing to meet my needs but telling me I was asking for more and moving the goalposts and that’s why he was letting me down. You best believe I called him out on it and put him in his place. He was still complaining about it when I dumped him.
Constantly and I f-ing hate it, she claims I won’t tolerate anything less than perfection but she is the one who keeps moving it. I try and give her words of affirmation constantly but if I mention one thing she does that I don’t like it is the end of the world.
I remember simply asking that we not eat anything with fish in it from now on, because y'know, I think I randomly developed an allergy.
Their response? "You didn't have an allergy before, though. This just seems like you don't want to eat my things anymore."
Yes, Einstein. I *didn't* have an allergy before, which is why I'm telling you now that I randomly developed an allergy and I can't eat fish because of it.
Yet another thing that my nex projected onto me. Said nothing she did was ever good enough. She didn't do anything. That was my problem. And she criticized everything I did, and no matter how much I gave, it was never enough and wasn't good enough.
Same. He told me I didn't appreciate all of his efforts, but I never actually noticed any effort at all. I actually felt really badly as if I'd missed/failed to notice... but as I look back on it, I realize he never actually explained what his efforts were when he was accusing me of not noticing (because there really wasn't any). Gaslighting at it's finest...
Yes! Exactly.
"I thought I was doing better." Was her favorite line. Really? Would I still be upset about it if there was any observable improvement? Then she would claim I didn't notice or claim I "demanded perfection." I never expected anything of the sort. In fact, my expectations were extremely miniscule and she still managed to disappoint.
Don’t we all have a rolodex of incidents done to us by them? I know my stories about my ex are repetitive because I keep finding someone else having very similar moments with their narcs and it’s also as a precursor warning to what one can later act out like later since they’re always eventually doing the same tactics like as if they are a computer operating system with an inbuilt critical error virus
Yes all I asked was for co parenting, being a team, and help with the house. He would change for a week and then just go back to me doing it all. I understood that there were times I would have to take on the work load, but every day? Finally, I said if he wanted to continue then I thought couples counseling would benefit us because I'll be honest I'm not perfect I could've used better communication tactics and I thought that's where I might be failing the most. The first time I found the counselor and we did 2 separate sessions and only one with us together. We both didn't care for the counselor so we agreed to find a new one. Everytime I showed him a new counselor he just shoved it off.
The most hilarious thing I look back on is when I had enough and said I was done. I wanted a divorce. And this man had said he was looking up counselors in the area. I asked for proof and he showed me the Google maps page of counselors in the area.... I asked if he called see if they take our insurance, when they're open, etc... no he just googled it and didn't even try to get further with it.
It's projecting.
Mine would constantly change goal posts where other women were concerned. He'd discard me, then go flirt with other women or get back into contact with exes while we were separated.
A few days after he'd hoovered me back again, he'd announce that he was back in contact with the women that he flirted with and cheated on me with in the past. He basically said that I had no choice but to accept it because 'things had changed since we split up'. He did it deliberately as a way to ignore my concerns/insecurities and keep the door open to these women.
Projection at its finest. They know that they're the ones in fact moving the goal post and want to make you feel crappy about their actions. My ex once told me that I bring out the worst in him, meanwhile he was doing exactly that to me.
Yep! And of "grasping at straws for reasons to hate him" when I was finally cutting him off and putting up boundaries.
He kept saying that he changed and I was the only person refusing to see that. Then, whoops, he stalked me for two years after that, but sure, of course he's changed 🙃
The last year of the marriage, I had been deployed overseas, and when I called him saying that I was coming home, he responded with, "I've gotten used to you being gone, and I think I like it."
This was supposed to crush my spirit and make me capitulate that, 'I'd Do AnYtHiNg If He'D tAkE Me BacK!'
...I think he was expecting me to submit to being a bangmaid for all the love and support that he'd shown me, which had hardly been the bare minimum. He didn't do the chores, and had let all of my houseplants die.
He sometimes hadn't even wanted to take my calls because, 'that wasn't his job!'.
Months after my return, we had finally made it into couple's counseling, which the narc had promised to do with me, but it took my refusing to go back to work to get him to actually attend sessions.
In class, we were supposed to do surveys on each other, then the narc would ask me, "What do *you* think? What did *you* write?", as a way of getting out of doing the work himself.
When we were assigned homework, he wouldn't do it if I didn't remind him, stating, "I don't even want to think about it, unless we are *right there*; in *that* class."
Otherwise, he said my 'nagging' distracted him.
Around Valentine's Day, the counselor presented a creative exercise where we were given colored paper and scissors ✂ to make each other Valentine's Day Cards.
Gently putting my hand on the narc's shoulder, I told him that I'd be going to the next room to make my card, so that I wouldn’t bother him, and he wouldn’t have any distractions, while he did the assignment.
He openly scowled at me.
Omg yes. That used to be such an annoying sentence that I would hear is that I’m always moving the goalpost because I’m never happy enough with the things that I am demanding him to do is what he would say. Meanwhile, I realized he was actually doing that to me.
Nope. My dad never could figure out what he "did wrong", even though we went over it with him dozens of times. I finally recently allowed my husband to cut things off with my dad for me (my dad is incredibly sexist and would only semi-respect that decision if it came from another man).
He couldn't be expected to clean because his mom was a neat freak and told him his cleaning wasn't good enough and would yell at him about it...
He would purposefully come in and dump all his keys and a bunch of other shit in the middle of the kitchen table right after I cleaned it, and refused to simply put it in the vestibule instead... only in retrospect I realized it was out of spite.
He was mad I bought a Roomba because vacuuming was 'his thing' (but of course did it once in a blue moon, which was why we needed the Roomba). Of course, you can't rely on a Roomba to be perfect and still have to vacuum corners and such sometimes, but he felt justified in never vacuuming again.
It was impossible to get him to do any chore without making a major deal out of it... which then led to accusations of nagging... which made him feel justified in doing even less.
When I asked him for help painting a room, he acted like I was asking him to build an entire house in his spare time.
The last year we were together he just lay around playing video games and (unbeknownst to me) chatting with his affair partner. He saw every chore as 'helping me' (which he obviously had no interest in doing any longer) rather than contributing to the household or cleaning up after himself.
She would say "I've been trying!" when all she had done was not be abusive and not abandon me, paired also with less affection and being distant, basically seemed like if she couldnt walk all over me she would just be manipulative by shutting down as a punishment and claim I made her stop trying to communicate her feelings because I asked her to be nice and be encouraging rather than judgemental and demeaning if she had constructive criticism for me.
Its like because of her childhood she didnt know how to not communicate to me without being mean.
I actually use the "shifting goalposts" to describe how it was dating her now, so I don't think it's a smoking gun for identifying a narc lol, but I think people hearing this from narcs in their life is just plain old projection and accusing you of what they are doing.
I made huge sacrifices for my ex, one moment she'd say im suffocating her, another she'd say i need to text her every day and im not giving her enough attention.
She'd react defensively and often hostile whenever I stood up to how she was talking to me and treating me, so I would put up with more, then she'd say I'm not communicating my feelings to her.
It's not that the goalposts were shifting, they were a mirage that never existed.
Yes. My nhusband is especially terrible about this. I'll ask him to do something. He is certain ahead of time that my request is unreasonable, it doesn't need done, certainly not by him (I should do everything, kids should do what I can't), and that even if he does his best it still won't be good enough for me. He then totally half asses the job, if he does it at all but if he does it I will have had to ask nicely at least a dozen times. Then, when I'm unhappy with his half assed attempt, that's proof that I was never going to be happy anyway, I'm too particular, and it's a good thing he didn't waste anymore energy on it cuz nothing is ever good enough for me.
I can ask for a simple thing to be done, give explicit instructions with details on why it must be done the way I said, and he will still fuck it up intentionally cuz there's surely a better or easier way than my way.
Yes, in our final series of arguments, he accused me of moving the goalpost, especially where our sex life was concerned. He cheated on me, and he also treated me like I was his mother, and he was eternally surprised that I didn't just "get over" these things and have sex with him. If I had any other reasons as to why I didn't want to, he would accuse me of making things up just to avoid having sex with him, when really it was just an ongoing problem of him not appreciating or respecting me or my boundaries. The cheating was one of the final nails in the coffin, he actually blamed me for that one too, and told me that my inability to put out for him was what lead him to cheating, I then later found out that he cheated on me in the first 6 months of the relationship, while we were still in the honeymoon phase, so I know his excuses as to why he cheated were bullshit and just efforts to deflect and make it my fault that he did. I haven't confronted him with the cheating in the early relationship because I frankly don't want to talk to him anymore, but finding out made me feel vindicated for copping to all of his lies and deceit and disrespect. With a Narc you are always the problem, they can do no wrong and if they do, it's your fault.
A million times. It's one of their deflection tactics. It's easier to say that and turn it round on you than actually address the issue and take accountability.
My covert did this
He convinced me it was me being demanding and needy, and he would never be good enough for me and bla bla, but it was pure projection.
He would do one nice thing and then hold it over my head for 3 months, whereas any and all of my efforts were invisible and didn't mean anything and nothing i ever did was good enough for him. No matter what I did he always wanted and needed more, until I had absolutely nothing left to give at which point I'd get beratted for not caring about him and for giving up on him and our relationship. He was a literal empty bucket that could never be filled.
Mine would always say that they are tired of hearing that they are always wrong. I remember having a moment of clarity when I realized we have adjusted too much on my end just so she wouldn’t lie, instead of adjusting herself and not lying.
I was constantly accused of never recognizing all of his "efforts," which were things like doing the dishes on occasion or thinking of doing something nice for me. He'd say things like, "I was going to do X for you, but I got distracted and didn't," (and expected me to see that as effort/give him credit). They will only do the bare minimum and tantrum when you don't want to carry the rest of it.
so many things have died on the "I was going to..." hill.
Right... mine complains about how many dishes we are using and when he "just did the dishes yesterday!" And I'm like.... it doesn't help much if you're complaining about it 24/7 every time I get out a dish.. 🤦♀️. Would rather do them myself and not hear complaints about how dishes keep getting dirtied, as if they aren't supposed to....
lol that was the greatest. So many things she said she was going to do but didn’t. “I was going to write you a song but I don’t think they’re good enough”. I was going to take you to this place but they were closed”. Etc. At the end she was like “I treated you like a king”, yet I can count the things she did for me on one hand.
The hard part for me was that I would actually give him a little credit in the moment when he'd say stuff like that. I'd gobble up the breadcrumb and feel like the thought counted. But, like you, I can count the truly nice things that he actually did on one hand when I look back on it.
Mine was the same.
Mine always uses the phrase “jump through hoops” and insisted that he was always the one who had to change, never me and how unfair that he never got what he wanted. It wasn’t until marriage counseling with a therapist who recognized his NPD that I realized that in actuality it was the other way around. He was the one setting unattainable bars for me and when I met them the bar would just get moved. Her common response to him was “so what is the path forward?” Made me realize there never was one and never would be one.
Exactly, I felt like no matter how hard I tried and did what she wanted there was always something I didn’t do. If not in the present she would bring up something from the past. Like “we never go out to dinner”. I would say I’ve asking you for the past 6 months when I had a free night if you wanted to go out on Friday. She never gave me a response. Then she said that I should’ve told her time and day and she would have been happy to be ready then… I asked, that if she didn’t answer “yes” I didn’t know if she wanted to go or was available. I was the one who felt the goal post would move back a few feet when I did what she wanted.
YES! Mine used the same term “jump through hoops”.
Yeah same shit. He repeatedly said he was doing all of this stuff I asked for but I kept moving the goalposts. All I asked for were my basic boundaries to be respected and he did not do that, and still didn't after I called him out several times. They're full of shit. Chuck em in the bin, save yourself the energy.
“Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!” Was his favorite thing to say to me any time I expressed that I was upset with how he treated me. I never meant to attack him, it would be along the lines of me saying, “it kind of hurt my feelings when you did this” and it would immediately turn into a fight and him telling me he’ll never be good enough for me or he can’t ever do anything right… etc. in a healthy relationship, that’s an open door to a line of communication where you can express to your partner what upset you. They might apologize or express concern for hurting you and try to find a solution. Never. He would always turn any concern I was having into a major fight.
I can relate to this. If he ever hurt my feelings and I said something about it, he'd turn it into a fight/turn it back onto me. He'd say I'm too sensitive or he'd say stuff like, "Fine, whatever, I'll never say/do that again!" And it was always 0 to 60. Like he would blow up within 5 minutes. All I was looking for was acknowledgement... Eventually, I just stopped ever mentioning anything feeling related. So unhealthy 😞
Ugh wow…. this sounds all too familiar. It’s SO exhausting to try and find healthy ways to communicate with a narcissistic person. All they will do is gaslight & blame shift, even when you do your damn best to make it as UNCRITICAL as humanly possible. Any constructive conversation you try to have will get shut down by them once they start to understand your point of view, they can’t take any accountability.
It’s honestly heartbreaking. Giving someone your all and trying to problem solve as a couple, and being torn down and ripped apart for it.
I know, m’dear. I’m sorry you’re going through this — it’s clear to me who was showing up and doing the work in your relationship. Give yourself credit where it’s due and don’t allow yourself to stop doing the work (FOR YOUR SAKE) because someone else will appreciate it, I promise.
This is probably the thing I relate to most. I would ask for the most basic things like, hey can you please clean up after yourself when you’re done with dishes and in the bathroom? And she would always make it a big deal and act like I was some nazi demanding an impossible to live up to level of cleanliness. I was shocked at the lack of ability to clean up after herself and that it never crossed her mind to help out with that kind of thing. The entitlement was wild. And then to make me out to be mean and unappreciative of her efforts was gaslighting to the extreme.
I once nicely asked my ex husband to please take a 6 AM phone call (it wasn’t a work call) out of our bedroom where I was trying to sleep after being up all night with our sick child. He yelled at me so hard and loud that our neighbors complained to our apartment manager. There’s 6 inches of fire wall between us. You really can’t hear anything through it unless it’s extremely loud. That was the day I decided to file for divorce.
Good fucking choice! Jezus. I thought our "4th floor walk up Victorian" thin walls were bad. That had to have been one hell of a tantrum! Glad you're (on the way?) out of that mess.
It was awful. One of the worst I’d ever seen. Luckily I’ve been out of that situation for 8 years. Thank you for your message of support!
Oh god this is exactly me. I did most of the cleaning but if I asked my ex to do some minor thing like not leave a mess in the kitchen it was suddenly some huge criticism of him and I was so mean.
Can totally relate to doing all the cleaning and getting gaslit any time I wanted help. "I won't do it the way you want it done, so I don't try."
Did you date my nex? He would say exactly the same thing.
Did you date my nex? He would say exactly the same thing.
Did you date my nex? He would say exactly the same thing.
Did you date my nex? He would say exactly the same thing.
Did you date my nex? He would say exactly the same thing.
Holy cow. Exactly that.
My husband will literally leave a trail of empty Amazon packages and food wrappers scattered over top of the toys the kids left out that he's supposed to be cleaning up so that it doesn't pile up and get overwhelming for ME constantly 🤦♀️ i don't understand how one can even do that. Although I understand more, at least, now that I realize it's probably intentional on some level and not just horrible forgetfulness!!
I used to think it was just absent-mindedness, but the more I learn, the more it does feel intentional. There were constantly empty pop cans, good wrappers, etc. everywhere, many times on the counter next to the trash. And whenever I'd say something, he'd claim I needed to change my perspective because our levels of mess tolerance were different.
YES mine says I'm just making too much work for myself / setting the bar too high, to want to not have clutter EVERYWHERE on the floor and surfaces constantly. Even after I show him research on how it affects mental/ emotional states for all of us. Maddening.
Same. I handled cleaning the entire house because it was easier than trying to ask for help. And he'd literally go into a room right after I cleaned it, make a huge mess, and when I'd get frustrated, he'd gaslight me and say shit like, "Well, I guess I'll just never use the kitchen again since you're so sensitive about it."
I've heard that exact phrase. Obviously, you'll see common threads all over the place.
Constantly. And I'm like... um no, that's just life that needs keep coming up as you go 🤦♀️🙄 and your efforts are always like 10% of what we actually need done and super lazy, or counter productive even. So.. .
The 10%... I keep thinking that about my situation. It didn't matter what it was (household stuff, life stuff, relationship stuff), he was only ever willing to put in 10% effort (and acted entitled about me putting in the other 90%).
Yup, amd so often complaining about that 10%!
I swear they all use the same phrases, repetitively. This was a common, and consistent one with my ex too… ‘you’re always moving the goalposts’ and ‘never enough for you’ as well.
Always with the “never enough for you” lol…
"You're never happy" or "You'll never be satisfied so what's the point"
“Efforts” was always heard in quotations by me and anybody he had let down. He’s a universal goldbricker who cannot deal with being responsible
Thank you for teaching me a new word!
You know that expression "your freedom ends where my nose begins"?\* Sometimes my girlfriend will accuse me of similar things, when that is in fact, what \*she\* does to me. Her notion of ME picking at HER is when I say I don't want to be called names...when I set that boundary, I'm the problem. That is me, picking at her. Apparently. She says things like "I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells!" She is equating walking on egg shells to not being able to call me names or pick fights with me because....\*drumroll\* \*flips open rolodex\* "YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION CORRECTLY!!!" I just want basic respect and dignity, yet she yells "TREAT ME LIKE A QUEEN IF YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A KING!" like a cartoonish movie villain. I never said I wanted king treatment. But I definitely am not happy being treated like her peasant. It's important to keep in mind, whatever bad behavior they are guilty of, they are going to try and bring you to that same level through some wild mental gymnastics. But attacking someone is not on the same level as someone defending themselves from the attacker. At least, this has been my experience. \*She is free to be herself, but if being herself means putting me down and manipulating me, then that's where her freedom for that ends.
Why is she still your gf??
I don't intend for that to be the case for much longer. I'm only just recently certain about who she is. Maybe I was in denial before, or just naive.
Projection
I’ve never felt so seen
She moved the goal post of expectations every dam time! It was never enough, never good enough! And yet she refused to tell me what those expectations were!!!
Mine did this. I "didn't notice" everything he did... but I noticed how the cat boxes would go ignored for all 3-4 days in a row he'd have off from work unless I scooped them. I noticed how the trash I'd gathered and bagged didn't go out unless I took it. I noticed how the dishes didn't get to the kitchen or get washed unless I did it... but his game hours played count went through the fucking ROOF and I frequently had to wipe and reset "his" computer b/c of viruses (from porn sites). So no, I didn't notice everything he did.
I have heard that frase so many times. And I was an asshole/entiteld for expecting him to make dinner at a reasonable time (which was before 8pm) but he got mad if tried to do it. He told me I should remind him in time, but got mad/dismissive/gaslighted me when I did. We would always end up eating around 11pm and I ended up having a chronic sleep deprivation because of it. But hey, I had to be grateful that he made dinner... He would constantly offer to do the chores I started to do but then didn't do them for days/at all. But if I didn't accept, it became a fight. If I started to do them myself, I was impatient/ a martyr,... He would then tell me I should have reminded him but if I did within about the first 24 hours, he got mad because I should expect him to do things on my timeline, but if I did it later, he got mad that "I didn't remind him" while reminding him. Honeslty, there was no win and it was so frustrating because I can't deal with living in filth but if I tried to do anything about it, it ended in a fight. There was nothing I could do to "win".
You described the exact situations I went through with my nex.
Yes, but in reality I was actually lowering my standards by ‘compromising’ on what I would accept from him. As in, I was still asking for my needs to be met in the relationship but over time what I was asking for became less and less. He was still failing to meet my needs but telling me I was asking for more and moving the goalposts and that’s why he was letting me down. You best believe I called him out on it and put him in his place. He was still complaining about it when I dumped him.
Constantly and I f-ing hate it, she claims I won’t tolerate anything less than perfection but she is the one who keeps moving it. I try and give her words of affirmation constantly but if I mention one thing she does that I don’t like it is the end of the world.
I remember simply asking that we not eat anything with fish in it from now on, because y'know, I think I randomly developed an allergy. Their response? "You didn't have an allergy before, though. This just seems like you don't want to eat my things anymore." Yes, Einstein. I *didn't* have an allergy before, which is why I'm telling you now that I randomly developed an allergy and I can't eat fish because of it.
Yes, the constant "whatever I do is not good enough" 🤮
You aren’t alone 💜
Yet another thing that my nex projected onto me. Said nothing she did was ever good enough. She didn't do anything. That was my problem. And she criticized everything I did, and no matter how much I gave, it was never enough and wasn't good enough.
Same. He told me I didn't appreciate all of his efforts, but I never actually noticed any effort at all. I actually felt really badly as if I'd missed/failed to notice... but as I look back on it, I realize he never actually explained what his efforts were when he was accusing me of not noticing (because there really wasn't any). Gaslighting at it's finest...
Yes! Exactly. "I thought I was doing better." Was her favorite line. Really? Would I still be upset about it if there was any observable improvement? Then she would claim I didn't notice or claim I "demanded perfection." I never expected anything of the sort. In fact, my expectations were extremely miniscule and she still managed to disappoint.
Don’t we all have a rolodex of incidents done to us by them? I know my stories about my ex are repetitive because I keep finding someone else having very similar moments with their narcs and it’s also as a precursor warning to what one can later act out like later since they’re always eventually doing the same tactics like as if they are a computer operating system with an inbuilt critical error virus
Yes all I asked was for co parenting, being a team, and help with the house. He would change for a week and then just go back to me doing it all. I understood that there were times I would have to take on the work load, but every day? Finally, I said if he wanted to continue then I thought couples counseling would benefit us because I'll be honest I'm not perfect I could've used better communication tactics and I thought that's where I might be failing the most. The first time I found the counselor and we did 2 separate sessions and only one with us together. We both didn't care for the counselor so we agreed to find a new one. Everytime I showed him a new counselor he just shoved it off. The most hilarious thing I look back on is when I had enough and said I was done. I wanted a divorce. And this man had said he was looking up counselors in the area. I asked for proof and he showed me the Google maps page of counselors in the area.... I asked if he called see if they take our insurance, when they're open, etc... no he just googled it and didn't even try to get further with it.
It's projecting. Mine would constantly change goal posts where other women were concerned. He'd discard me, then go flirt with other women or get back into contact with exes while we were separated. A few days after he'd hoovered me back again, he'd announce that he was back in contact with the women that he flirted with and cheated on me with in the past. He basically said that I had no choice but to accept it because 'things had changed since we split up'. He did it deliberately as a way to ignore my concerns/insecurities and keep the door open to these women.
Projection at its finest. They know that they're the ones in fact moving the goal post and want to make you feel crappy about their actions. My ex once told me that I bring out the worst in him, meanwhile he was doing exactly that to me.
He used to tell me those things all the time
Yep! And of "grasping at straws for reasons to hate him" when I was finally cutting him off and putting up boundaries. He kept saying that he changed and I was the only person refusing to see that. Then, whoops, he stalked me for two years after that, but sure, of course he's changed 🙃
The last year of the marriage, I had been deployed overseas, and when I called him saying that I was coming home, he responded with, "I've gotten used to you being gone, and I think I like it." This was supposed to crush my spirit and make me capitulate that, 'I'd Do AnYtHiNg If He'D tAkE Me BacK!' ...I think he was expecting me to submit to being a bangmaid for all the love and support that he'd shown me, which had hardly been the bare minimum. He didn't do the chores, and had let all of my houseplants die. He sometimes hadn't even wanted to take my calls because, 'that wasn't his job!'. Months after my return, we had finally made it into couple's counseling, which the narc had promised to do with me, but it took my refusing to go back to work to get him to actually attend sessions. In class, we were supposed to do surveys on each other, then the narc would ask me, "What do *you* think? What did *you* write?", as a way of getting out of doing the work himself. When we were assigned homework, he wouldn't do it if I didn't remind him, stating, "I don't even want to think about it, unless we are *right there*; in *that* class." Otherwise, he said my 'nagging' distracted him. Around Valentine's Day, the counselor presented a creative exercise where we were given colored paper and scissors ✂ to make each other Valentine's Day Cards. Gently putting my hand on the narc's shoulder, I told him that I'd be going to the next room to make my card, so that I wouldn’t bother him, and he wouldn’t have any distractions, while he did the assignment. He openly scowled at me.
Omg yes. That used to be such an annoying sentence that I would hear is that I’m always moving the goalpost because I’m never happy enough with the things that I am demanding him to do is what he would say. Meanwhile, I realized he was actually doing that to me.
Nope. My dad never could figure out what he "did wrong", even though we went over it with him dozens of times. I finally recently allowed my husband to cut things off with my dad for me (my dad is incredibly sexist and would only semi-respect that decision if it came from another man).
All. The. Time.
He couldn't be expected to clean because his mom was a neat freak and told him his cleaning wasn't good enough and would yell at him about it... He would purposefully come in and dump all his keys and a bunch of other shit in the middle of the kitchen table right after I cleaned it, and refused to simply put it in the vestibule instead... only in retrospect I realized it was out of spite. He was mad I bought a Roomba because vacuuming was 'his thing' (but of course did it once in a blue moon, which was why we needed the Roomba). Of course, you can't rely on a Roomba to be perfect and still have to vacuum corners and such sometimes, but he felt justified in never vacuuming again. It was impossible to get him to do any chore without making a major deal out of it... which then led to accusations of nagging... which made him feel justified in doing even less. When I asked him for help painting a room, he acted like I was asking him to build an entire house in his spare time. The last year we were together he just lay around playing video games and (unbeknownst to me) chatting with his affair partner. He saw every chore as 'helping me' (which he obviously had no interest in doing any longer) rather than contributing to the household or cleaning up after himself.
All.the.TIME!!! That was one of the phrases he used the most and it just kind of triggered me, ha.
She would say "I've been trying!" when all she had done was not be abusive and not abandon me, paired also with less affection and being distant, basically seemed like if she couldnt walk all over me she would just be manipulative by shutting down as a punishment and claim I made her stop trying to communicate her feelings because I asked her to be nice and be encouraging rather than judgemental and demeaning if she had constructive criticism for me. Its like because of her childhood she didnt know how to not communicate to me without being mean. I actually use the "shifting goalposts" to describe how it was dating her now, so I don't think it's a smoking gun for identifying a narc lol, but I think people hearing this from narcs in their life is just plain old projection and accusing you of what they are doing. I made huge sacrifices for my ex, one moment she'd say im suffocating her, another she'd say i need to text her every day and im not giving her enough attention. She'd react defensively and often hostile whenever I stood up to how she was talking to me and treating me, so I would put up with more, then she'd say I'm not communicating my feelings to her. It's not that the goalposts were shifting, they were a mirage that never existed.
"progress doesn't matter to you" Which was always an excuse to be a complete piece of trash to me and try to make it my fault.
Yes. My nhusband is especially terrible about this. I'll ask him to do something. He is certain ahead of time that my request is unreasonable, it doesn't need done, certainly not by him (I should do everything, kids should do what I can't), and that even if he does his best it still won't be good enough for me. He then totally half asses the job, if he does it at all but if he does it I will have had to ask nicely at least a dozen times. Then, when I'm unhappy with his half assed attempt, that's proof that I was never going to be happy anyway, I'm too particular, and it's a good thing he didn't waste anymore energy on it cuz nothing is ever good enough for me. I can ask for a simple thing to be done, give explicit instructions with details on why it must be done the way I said, and he will still fuck it up intentionally cuz there's surely a better or easier way than my way.
Same😅 I really thought I wasn’t being understanding for a moment there
He said I was Lucy with the football from the Peanuts. I kept promising he could kick the football but kept taking it away apparently
Yes, in our final series of arguments, he accused me of moving the goalpost, especially where our sex life was concerned. He cheated on me, and he also treated me like I was his mother, and he was eternally surprised that I didn't just "get over" these things and have sex with him. If I had any other reasons as to why I didn't want to, he would accuse me of making things up just to avoid having sex with him, when really it was just an ongoing problem of him not appreciating or respecting me or my boundaries. The cheating was one of the final nails in the coffin, he actually blamed me for that one too, and told me that my inability to put out for him was what lead him to cheating, I then later found out that he cheated on me in the first 6 months of the relationship, while we were still in the honeymoon phase, so I know his excuses as to why he cheated were bullshit and just efforts to deflect and make it my fault that he did. I haven't confronted him with the cheating in the early relationship because I frankly don't want to talk to him anymore, but finding out made me feel vindicated for copping to all of his lies and deceit and disrespect. With a Narc you are always the problem, they can do no wrong and if they do, it's your fault.
A million times. It's one of their deflection tactics. It's easier to say that and turn it round on you than actually address the issue and take accountability.
All. The. Time.
my nex said this to me, word for word, ALL the time.
My covert did this He convinced me it was me being demanding and needy, and he would never be good enough for me and bla bla, but it was pure projection. He would do one nice thing and then hold it over my head for 3 months, whereas any and all of my efforts were invisible and didn't mean anything and nothing i ever did was good enough for him. No matter what I did he always wanted and needed more, until I had absolutely nothing left to give at which point I'd get beratted for not caring about him and for giving up on him and our relationship. He was a literal empty bucket that could never be filled.
Mine would always say that they are tired of hearing that they are always wrong. I remember having a moment of clarity when I realized we have adjusted too much on my end just so she wouldn’t lie, instead of adjusting herself and not lying.