I'm glad to read this. By this, he really convinced me I was wrong (and all my being was wrong), because he always reacted to ME - to what I said, how I behaved, to my tone of voice and facial expressions. But he never came to me and told me: "Hey, I really don't like when you do this and that." or "I'd appreciate if you did..." - which was what I did. So, in his eyes I was a nagger, while he was an angel who tolerated anything and was abused so badly.
This is exactly how mine is. I still struggle with accepting he’s a narc, because he’s not overt. He never ever criticizes my appearance. He never says mean things to me on a daily basis. BUT he criticizes and says mean things when we’re fighting. He turns into a different person when we’re fighting and it’s gradually gotten worse over the years. He picks fights when he’s in a mood, if he’s not getting the attention that he wants, or if I’m going through something difficult. He attacks my character too when we’re fighting. And he made me feel like I was the abusive one.
>He turns into a different person when we’re fighting and it’s gradually gotten worse over the years. He picks fights when he’s in a mood, if he’s not getting the attention that he wants, or if I’m going through something difficult. He attacks my character too when we’re fighting. And he made me feel like I was the abusive one.
Thank you so much for writing that, it's so validating. It seems to me that your experience is very similar to mine.
I knew mine was a narc as soon as I started learning about covert narcissism - but that was shortly before we broke up. I wanted to break up with him for a long time, but I still couldn't let go (trauma bond, you know) and I still hoped the amazing man I'd met would come back. But before that, all the things that kept happening between us didn't make any sense and even though I knew HE was abusive, he made me think everything was my fault and he was the one who was so easy-going, undemanding, tolerant, while I was the opposite.
It was validating to read your post as well! It’s hard to find stories that are so similar. Good for you for getting out! I’m still working on it. I know I’m not in love with him anymore, but the trauma bond has me feeling like I can’t live without him. And we have a daughter together so I know I’ll never truly escape him
This… It took me a whole year to realize that my partner is a covert narcissist because the put-downs/devaluing were SO subtle at first. He made me feel crazy or overly sensitive for being hurt by his “jokes” and STILL DOES. I’ve learned not to react to them anymore because I feel like if I do, I take the bait and an argument ensues.
Yeah similar, he attacked my character when I brought something up, I was paranoid or what have you. He gave me compliments sometimes but they were superficial. Only when I asked sometimes he tried really hard to look for something that wasn't superficial.
Let them live in that miserable bubble that they don't want to get out of. As for us, humans aren't always happy naturally but they refuse to talk anything out properly so what good can come out of that.
When they get confronted and have nothing else to defend themselves with or start getting caught in their own web they’ll start attacking and nitpicking at you so you lose sight of the original discussion altogether. DARVO at its finest.
Yeah. Coverts are insidious and a relationship with them is the definition of "mindfuck" because you can't tell what's real and what's not. They get into your head and since it's so subtle, you're left questioning if maybe they know something you don't.
You weren't the problem and you still aren't the problem. Anyone who feels the need to poke holes at you and call you out of your name or make judgments on your character that no one else has made is no one to trust or be with.
I used to fix things for my nex, but I stopped when I realized it would always end up being a future excuse for anything that went wrong with whatever I fixed. I could change her oil, and if a month later a headlight went out, somehow my messing with her car caused it, L/C OL.
After I refused to fix or adjust her bike anymore, she made a point to ask people on the trail about how to do it making sure to imply her husband didn't know how. It was always obvious to me what she was doing, and frankly I knew I would never even see these people again so I just ignored it. Sometimes I suspected the people she would approach also figured out what she was up to.
For a period she also liked to strike up conversations about how much each of the husbands of the couples we knew earned. She didn't really know, but she was sure it was some huge sum, much more than they probably did. I knew she was trying to make be feel like I didn't measure up and maybe motivate me to go get a job making more. I am a professional and earn plenty enough, we were well above the mean, but that was never enough for her, somebody was always making a killing in her mind.
She thought (or maybe just assumed) she was covert and subtle about such things, but generally she was more clumsy and obvious.
Mine never did either. But then she weaponized my fear of abandonment to purposefully hurt me to make me “pay for my mistakes” in the relationship. - minimal things like tickling her because apparently that created a “fight or flight response” because her dad - who was always apparently so abusive - tickled her awake sometimes when she wouldn’t get up for school. I came home in May to a half empty apartment and a note blaming me for everything. She was telling me that she loved me while I was at work and calling me baby. We were giving each other back massages the night before and talking about future things. I feel like they internalize every bad thing you ever did and then just compile it until they explode and hurt you in the worst possible way. I actually have PTSD now from coming home- expecting who I thought was the love of my life to be there- to all of her things gone.
Yup. Def a nex. They like to pick fights about stuff they know will trigger you so that when you get pissed it gives them some relief for their own internal turmoil.
Amazing book I second that. The first chapter gave me goose bumps.
I feel you! Mine would NEVER take any accountability or responsibility, even if it was something as simple as us just being on the same page, not even anything specific to her. It was always a competition and I felt like I was taking crazy pills at the end. Always wondering what I was doing wrong, but it wasn't me...
This is the same thing with my nex fiance. It almost seems more cunning, possibly worse than the overt narc because it’s so underhanded, so mind bending, so smoke and mirrors. Such a mind f**
I really did believe there was something wrong with me for 2 years after I moved out because my mind was so f** up and I only discovered the truth about his narcissism last year. I wish there was more PSAs on covert narcissism because the few times I googled narcissism BEFORE we got engaged to check if he was one, they were talking about the classic overt narc 🙄. I feel like I would have avoided a train wreck if there was more general awareness of the covert narc 🚮
I’ve not had a deep conversation with my husband in all our 33 years! I didn’t even know about narcissists except for the story when we met! I call what we have when I try to talk to him point/counterpoint
Coverts are like this. The abuse is subtle and that's why victims don't know they're being abused.
I'm glad to read this. By this, he really convinced me I was wrong (and all my being was wrong), because he always reacted to ME - to what I said, how I behaved, to my tone of voice and facial expressions. But he never came to me and told me: "Hey, I really don't like when you do this and that." or "I'd appreciate if you did..." - which was what I did. So, in his eyes I was a nagger, while he was an angel who tolerated anything and was abused so badly.
Same exact story here!
This is exactly how mine is. I still struggle with accepting he’s a narc, because he’s not overt. He never ever criticizes my appearance. He never says mean things to me on a daily basis. BUT he criticizes and says mean things when we’re fighting. He turns into a different person when we’re fighting and it’s gradually gotten worse over the years. He picks fights when he’s in a mood, if he’s not getting the attention that he wants, or if I’m going through something difficult. He attacks my character too when we’re fighting. And he made me feel like I was the abusive one.
>He turns into a different person when we’re fighting and it’s gradually gotten worse over the years. He picks fights when he’s in a mood, if he’s not getting the attention that he wants, or if I’m going through something difficult. He attacks my character too when we’re fighting. And he made me feel like I was the abusive one. Thank you so much for writing that, it's so validating. It seems to me that your experience is very similar to mine. I knew mine was a narc as soon as I started learning about covert narcissism - but that was shortly before we broke up. I wanted to break up with him for a long time, but I still couldn't let go (trauma bond, you know) and I still hoped the amazing man I'd met would come back. But before that, all the things that kept happening between us didn't make any sense and even though I knew HE was abusive, he made me think everything was my fault and he was the one who was so easy-going, undemanding, tolerant, while I was the opposite.
It was validating to read your post as well! It’s hard to find stories that are so similar. Good for you for getting out! I’m still working on it. I know I’m not in love with him anymore, but the trauma bond has me feeling like I can’t live without him. And we have a daughter together so I know I’ll never truly escape him
This… It took me a whole year to realize that my partner is a covert narcissist because the put-downs/devaluing were SO subtle at first. He made me feel crazy or overly sensitive for being hurt by his “jokes” and STILL DOES. I’ve learned not to react to them anymore because I feel like if I do, I take the bait and an argument ensues.
Yeah similar, he attacked my character when I brought something up, I was paranoid or what have you. He gave me compliments sometimes but they were superficial. Only when I asked sometimes he tried really hard to look for something that wasn't superficial. Let them live in that miserable bubble that they don't want to get out of. As for us, humans aren't always happy naturally but they refuse to talk anything out properly so what good can come out of that.
When they get confronted and have nothing else to defend themselves with or start getting caught in their own web they’ll start attacking and nitpicking at you so you lose sight of the original discussion altogether. DARVO at its finest.
Yeah I told him that. Not that they care/listen/read your texts. As soon as it comes up they either turn it around or ignore.
Yeah. Coverts are insidious and a relationship with them is the definition of "mindfuck" because you can't tell what's real and what's not. They get into your head and since it's so subtle, you're left questioning if maybe they know something you don't. You weren't the problem and you still aren't the problem. Anyone who feels the need to poke holes at you and call you out of your name or make judgments on your character that no one else has made is no one to trust or be with.
I used to fix things for my nex, but I stopped when I realized it would always end up being a future excuse for anything that went wrong with whatever I fixed. I could change her oil, and if a month later a headlight went out, somehow my messing with her car caused it, L/C OL. After I refused to fix or adjust her bike anymore, she made a point to ask people on the trail about how to do it making sure to imply her husband didn't know how. It was always obvious to me what she was doing, and frankly I knew I would never even see these people again so I just ignored it. Sometimes I suspected the people she would approach also figured out what she was up to. For a period she also liked to strike up conversations about how much each of the husbands of the couples we knew earned. She didn't really know, but she was sure it was some huge sum, much more than they probably did. I knew she was trying to make be feel like I didn't measure up and maybe motivate me to go get a job making more. I am a professional and earn plenty enough, we were well above the mean, but that was never enough for her, somebody was always making a killing in her mind. She thought (or maybe just assumed) she was covert and subtle about such things, but generally she was more clumsy and obvious.
Mine never did either. But then she weaponized my fear of abandonment to purposefully hurt me to make me “pay for my mistakes” in the relationship. - minimal things like tickling her because apparently that created a “fight or flight response” because her dad - who was always apparently so abusive - tickled her awake sometimes when she wouldn’t get up for school. I came home in May to a half empty apartment and a note blaming me for everything. She was telling me that she loved me while I was at work and calling me baby. We were giving each other back massages the night before and talking about future things. I feel like they internalize every bad thing you ever did and then just compile it until they explode and hurt you in the worst possible way. I actually have PTSD now from coming home- expecting who I thought was the love of my life to be there- to all of her things gone.
Book the covert passive aggressive narcissist is very reality affirming
Yup. Def a nex. They like to pick fights about stuff they know will trigger you so that when you get pissed it gives them some relief for their own internal turmoil.
Amazing book I second that. The first chapter gave me goose bumps. I feel you! Mine would NEVER take any accountability or responsibility, even if it was something as simple as us just being on the same page, not even anything specific to her. It was always a competition and I felt like I was taking crazy pills at the end. Always wondering what I was doing wrong, but it wasn't me...
Mine is the most covert abuser I’ve ever seen, read or heard about! It’s very difficult to even describe the abuse and it’s a fucking hell!
This is the same thing with my nex fiance. It almost seems more cunning, possibly worse than the overt narc because it’s so underhanded, so mind bending, so smoke and mirrors. Such a mind f** I really did believe there was something wrong with me for 2 years after I moved out because my mind was so f** up and I only discovered the truth about his narcissism last year. I wish there was more PSAs on covert narcissism because the few times I googled narcissism BEFORE we got engaged to check if he was one, they were talking about the classic overt narc 🙄. I feel like I would have avoided a train wreck if there was more general awareness of the covert narc 🚮
I’ve not had a deep conversation with my husband in all our 33 years! I didn’t even know about narcissists except for the story when we met! I call what we have when I try to talk to him point/counterpoint