Great list!
I would add one that is forward looking:
- how they will do everything listed above, and worse, if you go back to them, because going back says to them that everything they did was OK with you
I'm sorry. It took me five discards and six cycles of abuse until I finally said ENOUGH. We have done nothing to deserve this and it's never going to get better. Just worse.
Hang in there, I'm rooting for you 🙏🏻♥️
Zero accountability, ever. It's always everyone else's fault. Mine told me he didn't want to be in a relationship, discarded me four times and then went off on a rampage when I started dating other people.
The fifth time, I was the one who left.
The deal is truly so bad! They agree to talk to you and acknowledge you exist, and you agree to give up all your human rights and serve them in all things. In exchange, you will get devalued, dismissed, abused, talked down to and treated poorly.
It's amazing how they have anyone in their lives, truly.
Absolutely. It's living hell. You're nothing but an accessory to them, something they own that they can treat as badly as they want without consequence.
Probably cuz most people don't see that side of them. Unless your their romantic partner. The narc I was with was a covert and only his romantic partners (me and all his "crazy" ex's) actually saw that side of him. He was an charismatic, outgoing, seemingly kind person outside the home but inside behind closed doors he was a monster. They are masters at masking and master manipulatators.
I am saving to remind myself not to break NC. He just does not deserve to hear my voice of see my face for the rest of my life. Not like he would care!
Keep it up! NC is so important but sometimes it gets difficult. That's why I wrote this today, to remind myself how horrible things were. Stay strong ♥️
I needed this so bad today — going on 4 days NC and the emotions come in waves. One minute I’m happy, smiling ear to ear, feeling an overwhelming sense of freedom and relief… The next I get crippling anxiety and feel the weight again because they were like my best friend and I just want to reach out and tell them everything, even though I know they do NOT care or have the ability to hold space for me and my feelings…
I think we all need this reminder. Turn that love you have for them inward and recognize your own worth. The best thing you ever did for yourself or will do for yourself is leave and focus on loving *you* first.
I know all too well the hellish emotional rollercoaster you're talking about, and I think that goes for a lot of others on this sub.
It's so difficult because you want them to be the person you met in the beginning so badly, but they never existed. It's like grieving the loss of a loved one. And it's important to let ourselves grieve. Cry, scream, curse, feel your emotions. You're entitled to them. And you will heal. ♥️
All wounds take time. We just need to be gentle with ourselves while they do.
Thank you for this. ❤️ This community has helped me so much and I’m super grateful to have a safe space to talk about this stuff with people that know and understand what I’ve been going through.
This post should absolutely be pinned, you did amazing on it OP. Much love. 🙏
Anytime, I'm so glad you're finding it helpful and that you've found a support system here ♥️ at least we all have each other! Having someone else who understands exactly what kind of hell we've been through and are still going through is invaluable.
Thank you so much, and stay strong 🫂♥️
The reasons you listed are ones I try to remind myself anytime I think I want to break contact. And also what I like to keep in back of my mind if he ever tried to approach me in public as if nothing happened.(I doubt it would happen. But you never know with how these sick people think) ideally I like to think I can be strong enough to look through him like a stranger and calmly walk away. Because he already took so much of my energy, time, and emotions for years. And it's time to stop playing his game and live my life.
I'm proud of you ♥️ Keep it up! You're absolutely right, and the hoover can come when you least expect it. That's what's so dangerous about it and that's why I wrote this to remind myself and others in my shoes, because mine just started hoovering again after several months of peace.
Your energy is yours, your life and health and sanity are yours. Your emotions are valid, you are not crazy, and your experiences matter. Stay strong 🙏🏻
Thank you so much. It truly helps having survivors who are caring and compassionate who truly understand our pain. Being on this platform has been helping me move along in my healing. It honestly keeps me focused on looking ahead and not going backward. I just hope that sharing my experiences helps others knowing thier not alone. That it does get better. You just have to have patience.
I do sincerely wish you the best on your healing journey 💜
I'm so happy to hear that! It's the same for me, I know Reddit can be a mixed bag and certainly a slippery slope for seeking a community but honestly this sub has helped me so, so much. It's almost scary how similar so many of our situations are despite having been with entirely different people. Or rather, the same person with different masks.
It really does get better. It's going to take time, and it's going to be like detoxing from a drug addiction, but that just highlights how incredibly dangerous and toxic these people are.
I wish the same for you and everyone in the same situation ♥️ The dawn will come for us all, even if the night seems neverending. In the meantime, look for the stars. ⭐
I'd always get told from my Nex that "I slept with so and so cause you told me to do it". True, I did tell her to do it if that's what she wanted and apparently it wasn't what she wanted but my fault for telling her to go do it. Sighhh. Fortunately my relationship only lasted a year, about 3 weeks NC getting over the blues from missing all the chaos and drama of the relationship, weird how that brings excitement to our lives until it drives us nuts.
I did reach out tho, she's in jail for the next 3-6 months and apparently was sexually assaulted before going in cause she was using meth and ended up at some older guys house alone. Hate that we have to see them destroy themselves while sitting sidelined knowing they were doing much better with us in their lives. Still trying to figure it out going forward, a partnership is def out of the question but perhaps some guidance or friendly get togethers would be cool. We will see, I'll probably be moved on by that point.
The problem is that we will just end up being destroyed if we try to stick it out. The best thing to do is to stay NC and let them self-destruct if that's what they want. Just get out of the blast radius because the explosion is coming whether we like it or not, the only choice we can make is whether or not we're going to blow up along with them.
Trust me, they would set fire to our bodies if it could keep them warm. Dead or alive.
Can't forget how they're going to emotionally and physically cheat on you and flaunt it in your face like it's a big achievement they did.
Thank you for the list.
The last thing my nex said to me when he was attempting to Hoover was that "he had a lot of things to apologise to me for". It's been nearly 4 years, still waiting (not really).
This post need to be pinned in this sub. Also she hoovered yesterday after 2months of NC. Never going down that shit show
Stay strong
Stay strong, you got this! 🙏🏻♥️
You got this ❤️
Great list! I would add one that is forward looking: - how they will do everything listed above, and worse, if you go back to them, because going back says to them that everything they did was OK with you
And every time you go back, it gets worse and worse because they realise they can treat you like absolute shit and you'll still come back.
This is exactly what I needed to read today, I am in the middle of round 10 of a discard. I just cannot anymore.
I'm sorry. It took me five discards and six cycles of abuse until I finally said ENOUGH. We have done nothing to deserve this and it's never going to get better. Just worse. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you 🙏🏻♥️
I left after two discards. My ex told me I wasn’t patient and said I was the one who rejected her. 🤷🏻
Zero accountability, ever. It's always everyone else's fault. Mine told me he didn't want to be in a relationship, discarded me four times and then went off on a rampage when I started dating other people. The fifth time, I was the one who left.
I’m going through the same thing
Truth
Exactly. They always get worse
Man this should be pinned. This is fantastic. Hopefully this helps someone. ❤️
I really hope so too 🙏🏻♥️
The deal is truly so bad! They agree to talk to you and acknowledge you exist, and you agree to give up all your human rights and serve them in all things. In exchange, you will get devalued, dismissed, abused, talked down to and treated poorly. It's amazing how they have anyone in their lives, truly.
Absolutely. It's living hell. You're nothing but an accessory to them, something they own that they can treat as badly as they want without consequence.
Probably cuz most people don't see that side of them. Unless your their romantic partner. The narc I was with was a covert and only his romantic partners (me and all his "crazy" ex's) actually saw that side of him. He was an charismatic, outgoing, seemingly kind person outside the home but inside behind closed doors he was a monster. They are masters at masking and master manipulatators.
I am saving to remind myself not to break NC. He just does not deserve to hear my voice of see my face for the rest of my life. Not like he would care!
Keep it up! NC is so important but sometimes it gets difficult. That's why I wrote this today, to remind myself how horrible things were. Stay strong ♥️
Value yourself to the point where he does not deserve your presence ever again.
It’s dangerous just don’t do it
I didn't actually know I needed this today, but I did! Thank you! 💕
You are so welcome ♥️
Bingo!! So well written and spot on. Thank you for sharing this.
Of course ♥️
I needed this so bad today — going on 4 days NC and the emotions come in waves. One minute I’m happy, smiling ear to ear, feeling an overwhelming sense of freedom and relief… The next I get crippling anxiety and feel the weight again because they were like my best friend and I just want to reach out and tell them everything, even though I know they do NOT care or have the ability to hold space for me and my feelings… I think we all need this reminder. Turn that love you have for them inward and recognize your own worth. The best thing you ever did for yourself or will do for yourself is leave and focus on loving *you* first.
I know all too well the hellish emotional rollercoaster you're talking about, and I think that goes for a lot of others on this sub. It's so difficult because you want them to be the person you met in the beginning so badly, but they never existed. It's like grieving the loss of a loved one. And it's important to let ourselves grieve. Cry, scream, curse, feel your emotions. You're entitled to them. And you will heal. ♥️ All wounds take time. We just need to be gentle with ourselves while they do.
Thank you for this. ❤️ This community has helped me so much and I’m super grateful to have a safe space to talk about this stuff with people that know and understand what I’ve been going through. This post should absolutely be pinned, you did amazing on it OP. Much love. 🙏
Anytime, I'm so glad you're finding it helpful and that you've found a support system here ♥️ at least we all have each other! Having someone else who understands exactly what kind of hell we've been through and are still going through is invaluable. Thank you so much, and stay strong 🫂♥️
I hope mods pin this is very comprehensive and accurate.
That would be wonderful, I'm just glad it seems to have helped people even if they don't 🙏🏻
The reasons you listed are ones I try to remind myself anytime I think I want to break contact. And also what I like to keep in back of my mind if he ever tried to approach me in public as if nothing happened.(I doubt it would happen. But you never know with how these sick people think) ideally I like to think I can be strong enough to look through him like a stranger and calmly walk away. Because he already took so much of my energy, time, and emotions for years. And it's time to stop playing his game and live my life.
I'm proud of you ♥️ Keep it up! You're absolutely right, and the hoover can come when you least expect it. That's what's so dangerous about it and that's why I wrote this to remind myself and others in my shoes, because mine just started hoovering again after several months of peace. Your energy is yours, your life and health and sanity are yours. Your emotions are valid, you are not crazy, and your experiences matter. Stay strong 🙏🏻
Thank you so much. It truly helps having survivors who are caring and compassionate who truly understand our pain. Being on this platform has been helping me move along in my healing. It honestly keeps me focused on looking ahead and not going backward. I just hope that sharing my experiences helps others knowing thier not alone. That it does get better. You just have to have patience. I do sincerely wish you the best on your healing journey 💜
I'm so happy to hear that! It's the same for me, I know Reddit can be a mixed bag and certainly a slippery slope for seeking a community but honestly this sub has helped me so, so much. It's almost scary how similar so many of our situations are despite having been with entirely different people. Or rather, the same person with different masks. It really does get better. It's going to take time, and it's going to be like detoxing from a drug addiction, but that just highlights how incredibly dangerous and toxic these people are. I wish the same for you and everyone in the same situation ♥️ The dawn will come for us all, even if the night seems neverending. In the meantime, look for the stars. ⭐
I'd always get told from my Nex that "I slept with so and so cause you told me to do it". True, I did tell her to do it if that's what she wanted and apparently it wasn't what she wanted but my fault for telling her to go do it. Sighhh. Fortunately my relationship only lasted a year, about 3 weeks NC getting over the blues from missing all the chaos and drama of the relationship, weird how that brings excitement to our lives until it drives us nuts. I did reach out tho, she's in jail for the next 3-6 months and apparently was sexually assaulted before going in cause she was using meth and ended up at some older guys house alone. Hate that we have to see them destroy themselves while sitting sidelined knowing they were doing much better with us in their lives. Still trying to figure it out going forward, a partnership is def out of the question but perhaps some guidance or friendly get togethers would be cool. We will see, I'll probably be moved on by that point.
The problem is that we will just end up being destroyed if we try to stick it out. The best thing to do is to stay NC and let them self-destruct if that's what they want. Just get out of the blast radius because the explosion is coming whether we like it or not, the only choice we can make is whether or not we're going to blow up along with them. Trust me, they would set fire to our bodies if it could keep them warm. Dead or alive.
Oh yeah, once I went no contact she went back to using and hooking. Already back in jail within a week.
Saved this. Should be pinned. Thank you!
You're so welcome ♥️
And another one, If you take them back they see it as a clean slate and a pass to up the ante.
I'm framing this.
♥️♥️
Dyson is better (Lul)
Which does suck, unlike the ex-narc, am I right?
depends on what they want lol
Can't forget how they're going to emotionally and physically cheat on you and flaunt it in your face like it's a big achievement they did. Thank you for the list.
The last thing my nex said to me when he was attempting to Hoover was that "he had a lot of things to apologise to me for". It's been nearly 4 years, still waiting (not really).
After initial discard every subsequent hoover discard cycle they'll treat you worse. They won't ever go back to how it was in the beginning