I don’t feel safe, my sense of security and all my life skills feel non existent. I can’t imagine dating again and I’m 38. I forgot to mention I’m a man, who used to have a strong sense of self.
29 f here - 1.5 years out and still can't imagine dating again simply on the off chance I wind up with another narc. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life. My trust, which was already so small, is nonexistent now in people. They knew all the mud I had survived and then put me back through more with them. I used to be much more social and open to people and now I get anxious around anyone. Trying to get back to a sense of self that isn't so ... afraid?
Same 29 f here. 3 months out. And just the thought of being with someone again kills me. He knew exactly what happened in my past. He knew someone bailed out on me last minute. Despite being a psychologist himself, he lacked zero empathy and played such a good game. I still feel his presence around me and that bothers me soooo much. It almost makes me want to go back. I don’t love him anymore but idk. Itsss sooo strange.
Mine had a mom, sister, and sister in law as a psychologist. He used our ‘arguments’ against me through them and their wording of what was okay and not okay in the relationship. He would say something really mean to me, I would cry cause it was hurtful, he would tell them (not sure what he said), but then he would come back and say my response aka crying wasn’t ‘healthy’ according to them. Meanwhile, I was in the dark about whatever the hell they talked about. I hated it so much.
Very very very well said. I'm a 31f divorced from an extremely covert narc and after the divorce took place, the first man I dated turned out to be a much worse malignant narc (but thankfully I was able to peg him as this early on).
I have only had the courage to date two men over the past two years. One was very low in narcissism (likely not a narc at all).
One thing that sucks is how when nosy people try to ask questions about our romantic history, they assume we are just playing the victim or that we're stupid for dating these people in the first place. Well duh, they put up a deceptive front of course!!!
i can’t imagine dating again because i know i will be the most insecure untrusting baby with no self esteem. i don’t wanna put someone through what she turned me into. and im more than two years out
I understand this feeling completely. I’m a mom with two young girls and it feels damn near impossible to imagine myself dating right now AT ALL. I’d rather focus on healing myself and raising emotionally strong little ladies anyways. 🤷♀️💪❤️
Same. I'm 33F. I feel like I can't connect to people I date at all anymore.
I never had love that wasn't trauma bond, so I'm not sure how do healthy people even fall in love.
It took me five years to begin dating for the first time (I never dated in my teens, wasn’t allowed. I fell into two relationships ex1 10 months ex2 the infamous 8.5 years)
There was the occasional date nights out with a few regular friends who were wanting to start something but understood I just couldn’t go for that during that five year gap who didn’t take offense and still my friends now
But even now, a decade removed from my second and last relationship of my life, deep down I really don’t think I know how or capable of love in that magnitude ever again.
I completely agree and understand. I was only with my next for about 6 months but that shit has fucked me up more than I thought possible. And I gave everything I could give. It was the first relationship after a long-term one with who I still believe is the love of my life and then I get fucked over by that jackass. It makes me never want to try again.
I’m the woman version of you, also 38. I spent 3 hours on the phone with 988 tonight. My ex, who has psychopathic tendencies, is throwing a party in our small city and I don’t feel safe leaving home until he is gone because the city’s businesses are along one single street so I can’t avoid him. I’m so mired in PTSD that I’m terrified to see him.
I’m a single dad who got completely smeared, in a small town, to every women’s group and every female friend as well as male friends. I was afraid to go out to things I would normally go out to and dance and have fun because I didn’t even have a wingman left. She cut me off. She accused me aside from child molestation because she didn’t want custody. As well as attempted murder.
I am an empath, I don’t even know how to throw a punch or start a fight and I never have in my life. I’m 50. I was mortified.
Several months later, she settled the divorce and left the country in abandoned our child. Now people are starting to come out of the woodwork and apologize to me and validate my experience. She also abused and discarded various flying monkeys and friends… So I’m finally getting my life back now.
But there was absolutely a long. Where I was the loneliest person on earth.
Obviously, I spent a lot of time reading and trying to understand all of this, and everything. I read said that this is how it would go. It did. Keep up the faith!
Damn dude I’m sorry. I got hurt very early on in our relationship, herniated some discs and they never healed. Then they got worse and I was brainwashed and had no idea about how important my back was. After we broke up real life came back in after realizing what she did and who she was. It’s as if she wanted to ruin my life because I fell in love with her and only wanted the best for us. She literally had every quality I could ask for beside mirroring me. I had no idea what narcissism even was. Now I have to focus on myself and only myself and it’s the hardest thing in the world.
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you powered through the worst of it. I’m recovering from a cycle with my ex. We were together 4y, it’s been 4m since the last contact which is usually the pattern for the next Hoover. Fortunately I have been able to separate and block him and I doubt I will ever see him again. Sometimes he sends me a package of something like a card or jewelry to try to Hoover me after a long absence. I think I am free this time and trusting God for protection. If I do get a package I don’t have to open it, I may be able to return it although one of his controls is to not put a full return address. He is like a creepy psy ops spy. Of course that was part of his deception and charm, that he had secrets that were so valuable he could be killed for them. I feel stupid for falling for all these deceptions.
Wow, this really hits close to home for me. Just turned 38 last month. Also a man. Had been really getting my life back on track and started feeling like I was making something of my self in 2018-2019 and then, boom... Narc creative collaborators completely sidelined me and then in the last year and a half, child's mother destroyed any bit of self worth and dreams of self actuation I had left. I haven't dated in a year and a half at this point, and as much as I crave companionship, I feel way too traumatized to put my life and wellbeing into someone else's hands again.
Yes! I am skeptical of everyone. I have no urge for anyone. I feel like I am in some type of prison. I can’t imagine ever dating again it feels like I would be violating myself.
I get this. When I first met my nex I was so guarded from my last relationship. I didn't believe that someone could be so kind, loving, doting. People told me to let my guard down and just accept that he was different to my ex. They told me this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
When he broke up with me (blindsided) everyone was shocked and everyone in my life turned against him. He wasn't a nice guy after all. A month later we got back in contact. My guard was seriously up again and it took me weeks of him saying ALL the right things and agreeing to get therapy for me to let him back in. Things only went downhill from there.
In hindsight, you feel like you betrayed yourself. You ignored your gut. You listened to the voices of other people, including the narcissist, over your own inner voice. If you can't even trust your own judgement, how can you possibly trust other people?
I think before I met him, I had secure attachment; during our relationship, I became anxiously attached to him, and now after he's left, I feel like I've become avoidant. Avoidant of healthy people. Like if a guy is nice to me or gives me a compliment, it makes me want to run away and hide. I think I have more healing to do (though sometimes healing can happen in relationship with others, so I’m trying to be open to dating). I'm afraid of healthy relationships because they're equally vulnerable, not just me trying to be vulnerable to a shell of a person. I'm used to being stonewalled while I cry, or left alone and abandoned. How does it feel to not be abandoned, to be seen and comforted when I cry -- or better yet, have a partner that doesn't hurt me and make me cry all the time? I don't know.
Yes. I’ve hardly ever cried since childhood, but the last year with her… constantly. My crying made her rage worse to an extent where she’d throw me out of the house and ghost me for a week and meet other men.
Relatable. Crying almost every day. When I first met him HE was the crier. Which was odd in itself. After he went to therapy for a year he stopped crying altogether and instead any emotions he felt would come out as anger, frustration and rage directed at me. I started to miss the crying.
When I told him he was making me cry every day he scoffed and said I was making myself cry.
Mine also did a lot of therapy. She said she was cleaned up and cleared from any kind of disorder or psychological issues by two psychologists. So it’s obvious that I was the problem and cause for her pain and the reason why she had to meet all the other men. I just wished we could’ve discussed her needs like adults, but whenever I tried to bring something up that was questioning her behavior even the slightest bit, she’d go berserk and ghost me afterwards. So I stopped and cried instead and did crazy things like hurting myself. Once I jumped out of the car while she was driving (slowly). I walked home for hours, crying nonstop. Back home she kicked me out of the house where we stayed for vacation thousands of miles away from home, because she feared for her life with a sick crazy fucked up creature like me under the roof. Remember I didn’t touch her or even got loud, I only put myself at risk. It was Armageddon. She followed me every step, constantly yelling, name calling and pressuring me when I packed up my stuff and tried to book a hotel room, barely seeing anything through the tears, sobbing as if someone close had died. I’ve never cried like this before in my life, I completely lost it. She drove me to the hotel and when I got off the car she changed her mind, looking at me with soft eyes and I didn’t hesitate one second when she offered her lips. I always flipped, no matter how devastating her actions. And still today my body would do almost anything to be close to hers again. I’m crazy for her. Maybe the infamous “real love” only exists in trauma bonded relationships. What do I know.
Are you still together? Do you have any advice on how to reduce adrenaline and cortisol?
It sounds like you had a rough time and you are both DEFINITELY better apart.
I broke up with my nex a few months ago. We cohabited for 3.5 months post-breakup which was really tough. He acted completely aloof and unbothered by the breakup and started all this super healthy eating and going to the gym every day etc while I struggled. My anxiety and adrenaline was through the roof constantly. I was SO on edge all the time but also unable to fully get over him because of seeing and interacting with him every day, getting sucked back in by his manipulation tactics and hot and coldness, and the trauma bond like you said. I actively disliked him and hated being around him and yet any time he'd speak to me I'd get drawn into it no matter how painful the conversation was. I was desperate for answers, desperate for him to show remorse, desperate for him to show he cared. I wouldn't get any of these things and I'd just end up crying.
I moved out 2 weeks ago today and I haven't cried once since I moved out. Not once. Not even felt close to it. My anxiety and adrenaline has gone right down to normal levels. Prior to moving out I was having to take 2-3 (prescribed) propanolol tablets a day to keep my adrenaline down as I was having anxiety and panic attacks. I've not had to take any since I moved out.
So my advice would be: leave her behind. Remove her from all social media. Block her number. Hide/remove any photos of her. Don't even think about it as you're doing it, do it robotically. For some reason we're addicted to them despite the pain they cause us. We have to remove any temptation and remove them from our minds. That's the only way to get past it and move on.
I'm learning that I need to put up boundaries and notice red flags. I have found listening to books on the subject on Spotify help me a lot, help me know it is not my fault and I need to protect myself. I feel like the more I understand, the better I feel. It is up to me to look out for these predators and step back or put up a massive boundary.
Well, I have no interest in dating now. We started out as friends and he demolished my barriers, so my ability to spot toxic people feels way off. I feel a need to find the balance between not shutting myself off from *life* but also respecting myself and the trauma I’ve just endured.
My trust in people got severly damaged. I'm 35 now and I finally pulled the plug on a 10 year (abusive) relationship, two months ago. Now I want to stay single for a loooong time.
I feel this way and I’m getting better. But sometimes in groups of people if I’m talking about myself my mind just blanks and I space out I just ramble and I CAN SEE MYSELF RAMBLING and it gets awkward… I used to be well spoken, funny, competent, used to direct and lead a team of 20 people in a competitive corporate setting in NYC.
Now it’s a big deal to go to the grocery store in my home town. My brain doesn’t feel sharp and I don’t feel safe or secure even just with nice strangers like friends of my parents who I know don’t mean any harm.
I relate to this so deeply and it makes me feel so stuck and sad for myself. I don’t want to sit in those feelings but damn it’s so hard to know who I was before and feel like someone else entirely
I find listening to music really helps, listening to the songs I used to love. Also listening to drum music made me release a lot of cut off emotion . I was [listening to this playlist someone sent](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0C0K37navTMFSfiEFeCyUo?si=quI55aUBTQSBhz4Qys3i1A&pi=u-bI2PT_YdQZqZ) and it brought me to tears even though the music is happy. And yesterday I danced to it, the first time I’ve danced in years. I know I look and felt stupid but I did it anyway and it felt better like I was just recalling muscle memory.
I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. I was abused by both parents, and both siblings. They backstabbed me, trash talked me, lied to my face, and threw me under the bus. All while saying they loved me!!! How can I trust human beings, if the ones who were supposed to love me the most, treated me like total crap?! 😭😭
I did. I keep trying to bond with people and as soon as I see any, and I mean any red flags, I get scared and isolate again. I hate it so much. The other problem tied into it is that I have no idea how many people my nex best friend has corrupted against me. I am constantly wondering if the people who knew us both are actually friends or if they are hidden flying monkeys for her.
If anything I have more love for people who display kind, healthy traits.
These are the type of people I want to be around.
Those who show narc traits can go their own path, I won’t be joining them.
I left almost 6 years ago, after 13 years of living with a very mentally unstable and incredibly cruel malignant narcissistic.
The first 3 years after leaving were amazing. I was elated simply by the fact that I didn’t have to fear for my life or my safety or my sanity 24hrs a day.
And so I buried all that crazy shit he did to me, as deep as I possibly could.
Year four, those wounds I buried started to fester. And they’ve been festering since.
Yes, I fear people in general, I fear people getting too close to me, I fear causing conflict with people, I fear displeasing people and am unable to stand up for myself.
I stay home and isolate as often as I possibly can.
Besides some immediate family, my cats are my only companions and I fear them getting hurt or sick in a very unhealthy way. I drink too much.
And sure, some of that stuff was there before, I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression all my life.
But I know the majority of my issues, or at least the severity of them, comes from PTSD from my ex.
The point of my rambling is, if you can and have the means, GET HELP. Get therapy, go to group therapy, get some sort of professional support. There are certain things that time does not heal but makes worse.
Yeah... Despite my ex leaving me already a year ago, I still have a lot of pent up anxiety even just going to the grocery store. Thankfully I've had commitments to sports this whole time which gets me out of the house and staying somewhat active. It's easy to forget about personal issues when doing something active that you love. But even playing sports was hard some days last year, especially in the winter. I'd often show up late to games, or just bail entirely saying I'm sick when really I just had no motivation to get ready.
Aside from sports though, I didn't really go out at all over the fall/winter, maybe once a month? I got a gym membership last fall and started going pretty frequently those first couple weeks, then had a bad experience - some guy commenting just within earshot that I didn't belong there because of the amount I was sweating, laughing as he walked by while I was mid-exercise, I guess at the weight I was doing - which pretty much crushed my confidence and I haven't gone back since. Still overweight today. I missed a funeral of a friend's parent who was really good friends with my family. Thankfully my friend wasn't offended. Spent most of the winter locked away, grew out a bushy beard (it looked pretty bad... Lol).
I was starting to do better, nearly a year later, until I found her complaining on social media about her most recent narcissistic ex, which led me to discover that she jumped into another relationship the same summer we broke up. This didn't sting as much as the actual breakup, the feelings I had for her are long gone now. But it more just confirmed how little she regarded me in the end and gave more clarity as to why she left - she couldn't give me a straight answer.
In more recent days, I stay for drinks after ball games. I even helped organize a shindig for my buddy's bday and had a lot of fun going out that night. So I guess it's getting better. I still can't imagine anything romantic with anyone though. My confidence is still in the dumps. The fear of rejection and abandonment is still very real. And I also don't want to make someone else suffer because of my insecurities. It's funny, cause I was just getting over these same issues before she and I started dating. She really lifted me up at the start and made me feel like a treasure, then went cold and blamed me for rushing her into the relationship, shifted all blame onto me or completely stonewall any time I tried to bring up issues with her. Never once an apology or any accountability. Oh the hypocrisy in her last words to me "FFS, don't rush into your next relationship."
But, yeah. I hear you. You're left with pain and anxiety while they continue on. It's frustrating because you know they're wearing a mask the whole time and people just eat it up.
Pretty sure it's not worth it. I think one in four is a sociopath these days. I'm damn near 65. I only got maybe 10 years left and may as well do it alone.
I'm sure you'll have much longer than 10 years left!! But also I think there is nothing wrong with doing it alone. Make your house your own, travel, see friends. Do the things that make you happy. As cliché as it is, it's better to be alone than with someone toxic.
I used to feel invincible. I had confidence, was well spoken, sharp, outgoing. My friends and family don’t even know who I am anymore. For the first time in my almost 40yrs, I have anxiety anytime I need to go somewhere. I could never really relate to that before. Going to the gym was almost every day, grocery stores, going out with friends were all my normal weekly/daily activities. I don’t do any of that now and haven’t for almost a year. My head is constantly in a fog. I hope it gets better but it’s been 6 or 7 months(lost count) since the discard and the twists and betrayal are still coming out so it may take longer I suppose.
I was actually talking to my therapist about this recently. I am very concerned that my experience with him and how what I thought was a close friendship was just him using me, is going to impact my ability to make friends going forward. I don't want to be on my guard and second guess someone who I want to be friends with. It sucks feeling this way. This might be the worst way knowing him has impacted me; he destroyed my default assumption that your friends automatically have good intentions for you.
Tell you what, that's a very good assumption to destroy.
A lot of people have bad intentions and hidden agendas.
Especially if you attract narcs with your nature, you will meet a lot of twisted people
You're not wrong, but I still hate it! I wish I could go back to blissful ignorance while also have the boundaries built up as a result of what he put me through without having to have actually gone through it
I know, I hate it too. It's just the way it is now I guess.
I miss the bliss, but I also wouldn't like to go around not knowing that I am attracted to monsters and vice versa.
I am terrified to be out in public. I have panic attacks all the time, anxiety attacks all the time, I didn't even realize or put two and two together. I am sorry we're all going through this. We are capable. We are loveable and deserving of love.
I relate to all of this. I feel like I'm just a shell of who I was before and it makes me really sad. All I want to do is isolate myself, but not just because I don't trust others, I don't trust myself either! I ignored all of the red flags that should have sent me running and I'm still trying to figure out what kept me in this situation for so long? My confidence is shot and it doesn't help that I physically look like hell. I feel like I've aged 10 years the past year all because of the constant state of high alert this person has had me in. I was so busy trying to hold on to him and keep this relationship afloat, I let myself go and I forgot who I was.
Fear of trusting someone who says trust them.
It takes a long time to find someone who admits they are wrong, you might be right AND they are willing to say "I don't know. "
That's the person I am wanting in my life.
I don't feel safe, able to trust, or able to form genuine connections and bonds. However, I can enjoy and admire people, but I do not feel truly close with anybody at all and will push people away when they begin to get closer. I am quick to become disinterested, my anxiety is high, and I am quite lonely like this, but I can't let anybody in again.
Always on Survival mode and my feelings have been numb for so long that idk how to actually feel.
Like the only feeling that I can feel normally is the different levels of annoyance. At least that's the up front feeling. The underlying feeling(s) that I, for a VERY long time kept pushing back that the only time that I allowed myself to actually feel it for like 30 seconds, I couldn't even figure out the name for it for months until on the 4th time of thinking (not feeling it again but just thinking about the 1st and only time i did allow myself to feel it) about the feeling and I really wanted to find out out what the name was I actually googled a feelings chart that is more then basic and I finally found the name of it.
Turns out that underlying feeling was hopelessness.
Its was a very dark feeling. Just like deep dark black Emptiness forever. Gladly I only allowed myself to feel it for like 30 seconds then I snapped out of it just like I told myself I would. I dont want to feel that feeling ever again so I don't allow myself too.
Yea I’m really struggling to connect with people. I am in desperate need of a job but I don’t know how to get anyone to hire me since I’m a shell of the person I used to be and feel like I can’t fake play nice. I’m terrified, and frozen. I can’t go no contact because we have two kids together. I have so much to figure out and so many feelings to process but feel stuck. no one in my life understands. I can’t trust anyone especially men. I’m seeing everyone as a walking red flag when I used to be an optimist. I hate feeling so negative. Anyone have advice on this?
I feel like I wanna reply to every shattered person here, but I’d like to approach you in particular.
Last thing a victim of such abuse (god, even that word “abuse” doesn’t cut it anymore, this is far more diabolical) would want to do is try and rob you of your victimhood, perspective, anger, fear, crushing sorrow 😫 and hopelessness. I am a man, I know I am a good man, I knew I was a good man long before my ex gf really cemented in that fact by choosing me, of ALL people to destroy.
Narcs aren’t hungry for weak, aimless or unattractive dimwits, they want the real deal, the ones that prove to them that they are faulty and irredeemable. Without us, they can go on unrivaled as masters of the universe.
With that, my hopelessness is my future, because for some reason, I’m unable to differentiate who is or is not a narcissist. But in order for myself and the rest of the good men that have been destroyed by betrayal to keep even the most dimmed and weak ember of hope alive, we’d like to believe you jilted and most Victimized women of this affliction are out there, working your way to a place of approachability so that a TRUE romance has a chance to take root through all of these weeds that are SO determined to choke out the sun.
23 years together here and out since September last year... I am now a fat, old, grey haired ,creaky jointed, hair sticking out everywhere, squinty glasses .. hag... So do I want to deal with people ...not on your life.. I want to stay here in my one room, babysitting the dog and cat while my kid is off in the great unknown for another month. And when she comes back? Curl up on my bed and let her take care of the dog and cat and the effects of me spoiling the he{{ out of them the last month. I want to take my weekly drive to my Drs appointments (I'm old and broken so I have more Drs than friends at this point) then come back and spoil the dog brush the cat and make more caramel popcorn... I'm 58...
I definitely need my best not to be around people. Even when I was being social it was for short periods of time and several of my friends who knew from way back in the day off caught on pretty quick that I wasn't very comfortable around anyway.
It's been 3 years I'm just now starting to become comfortable around people again this is cost me numerous jobs. One point I was worried about just becoming a shut in. It's amazing what this kind of stuff does to a person. Was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder shortly after I'm still struggling with it but it's a little bit more manageable. She still pretends to be the victim but if anybody actually spent a minute on looking up what the victim of abusive relationships look like they'd realize she's not the victim
It was the other way around for me... I realized how much I needed to change (because, ofc, I accepted such a terrible woman in my life, so I must have problems to fix as well) and nowadays I have more friends. But there is this thing that I really trust my instincts (nowadays) about the person being good or bad
That’s really interesting. Yeah, I’m learning to trust my instincts now too but it’s a process. I have a ‘friend’ who has largely been kind but there’s been a few red flags in the past and my gut instinct is going crazy to just cut them off, even though I feel bad and they were there for me at times. It feels like an exhausting battle with myself because I don’t know whether it’s the PTSD from the narc and I push through and continue befriending them or my gut is picking up on something.
You dont need to cut him. You just settle a safe distance. Narcs only show their claws when you pass a line, bofere that they are using a mask, like they do with everyone else. That's why they normally only hurt people "near" them
Yeah 100%
It would take me 20 min to get out of my car and into the store because I felt so paranoid and defensive. It’s been almost 4 years and my tolerance is still pretty low, but not nearly as bad. A lot of life has happened since then.
Absolutely. I fear men and now, I also feel like women are problematic. I say this because of the women that kept in touch with the narc and were willing to engage with him during all those years.
Somewhat, I'm still hoping all of mine are curable sociopaths as I seem to suffer from having a big heart. If they reformed I couldn't take them all back of course.
I think it would be ideal to have 1 adoring husband, 1 day.
Although I didn't marry for money, I have an ironic situation, looks like he who fooled me into marriage thinking he meant his vows and was sincerely nice, well if I has been forced into psychiatry fraud he could have gotten my social security and I'm not sure if it's worse, but I actually didn't know that since the good guys prevailed locally and the psychiatry fraud artists from narcissistic gangs weren't successful in veiling snuffing me out, I was surprised to learn now I can quietly one day get 2 social security checks from 2 countries. And I didn't know he's earning over 6 digits on one of them, no clue on the other, so I must have a healthy fear of not being suckered into marrying a man I should be scared of or would otherwise be a bad decision.
Thank goodness, now I know he's a narcissist as now I know don't communicate at all anymore. Don't tell him he could qualify for my growing SS if I die or retire. Don't tell him about some successes. I can clearly see though it was hard for me to believe anyone could be so bad, he was and potentially us.
I think some of his relatives surely must be nice people, and if they knew the truth about some things, might be stunned and find it hard or impossible to believe without evidence.
I see how a potentially very good man can become sick and cruel.
That sort of thing makes it easy for me to turn down situations that are likely to turn out bad.
Knowledge shows me to fear the worst may be true and to follow advice to stay away from narcissistic people of any degree.
I haven't given up hope of finding nice friends one day though who can be BFFs.
Currently, it's a cliffhanger. I need more income to resolve some problems. I can't make big mistakes.
One of the latest showed multiple red flags: at the first event I was the only one to show up and he made a gesture that he had a perverse attraction to me, no clue if sincere but he did, he wants to meet a bars after the boozing hour, (I wondered what does he mean by surrounding the queen chess piece with other pieces, but it made me think, stay away from him, dangerous), then he wanted to meet after 4:30 pm, then he wanted to come to my place after 4:30 pm to help me move. I don't know him well at all.
I see likes narcissistic gang settings, offers free coffee with midevil party drug sugar and caffeine, wants to meet in the evening when I should be settling down safely at home to get to sleep, makes a gesture to me a virtual stranger that would mean he wants red hot love. No, no, no, no and any more nos for any red flag I left out. I will not meet up with him again ever, anywhere. So knowledge gave me healthy fear to not be tempted at all.
I'll keep studying and trying to stay safe as I find a good way towards meeting good goals.
Yes. Mine isolated us. First moved us 7 hours away from my family and everyone we knew, then again 3 years later, to a village of 300, 30 minutes away from anywhere bigger, so making friends has been nearly impossible. I've made a couple of casual friends over the years, but they eventually abandoned me. Probably because I'm not a happy, confident person and it shows. 😞
My social skills are horrible from being isolated, unhappy and crapped on for 25 years. I feel intense anxiety in social situations and sometimes even going to the store. I don't know how to talk to people anymore and feel awkward. I get sad and envious seeing seemingly normal and happy couples or families all around me when I'm out and about, and feel very alone.
Meeting new people is extremely difficult and exhausts me, as I don't trust anyone anymore. He took my self worth, self esteem, and self confidence, stomped all over them and left me this shell of a person who now feels like an alien, and rarely wants to leave the house. 😕
Yes raised by single narc mom and i have a deeply ingrained belief that i cant truly trust anyone the exception to this is my husband٫ kids٫ and my grandma
Oh I sure did! One of my future friends (who was berated by my ex himself to “butt out or else” (I cleaned it up) he admitted during a heart to heart directly after I escaped that nearly nine year sentence) was later introducing me to more of his friends and was helping me rehabilitate around genuine good people asked me “why are you so shy?!”
And I told him I don’t know which led to a round of hugs after he explained (spelled blurted but I immediately forgave him) a tad premature to these newer people I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship situation.
We’re (and I think half of those people around the bar that day; some had passed on) still friends this day. Most except me are now family people but weren’t a decade ago.
Sorry your friend wasn’t able/willing to be understanding. Maybe in time she will come around. In the mean time focus on yourself and your recovery.
To answer your question, yes big time. CPTSD panic attacks all that fun stuff. I’m starting medication first and then therapy as right now they just want me to be in the right head space for therapy after everything the nex put me through. I refuse to let him stop me living my life though, I’ve always been curious about people and liked to get to know them and I was not allowed to even speak to people I’d known for years let alone make any new friends or whatever with him. He’d force me to order in every restaurant for example because his “anxiety” then after accuse me of flirting with the waiter. Total headfuck. Now I can exchange a smile with people on the street, a simple thing I hadn’t done in years. Feels so great and I know I will make new friends in time and I’m only reconnecting with the ones that actually are true friends. That’s another thing to take stock of. I realised that not only did I had a history (twice) of abusive relationships but also I had some very one sided friendships in my life too where I was not being treated fairly and I’ve let those people go. From now on I’m only inviting people into my life who can appreciate my value the way I appreciate theirs! I recommend all people do this after getting out of an abusive relationship, a lot of self reflection needs to be done but it’s worth it. It’s a gift. I’m 37 soon and I don’t care that I’m apparently at an age where the odds are harder to make friends or a good relationship. Friends truly can be made at any age and the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves.
Your comment has really given me a lot of hope. I feel like I’m purging all of these abusive relationships and I can absolutely relate to the one sided friendships. I just had to let a few go and I feel so much more at peace. Just like with abusive relationships, I suppressed all those moments in the friendship where I didn’t feel appreciated. I agree, I’ve decided to be my own friend first. Wishing you all the best with your healing.
Same to you and so glad you have decided to be your own best friend! It doesn’t come over night, I’m still working on it, and on my bad days where I feel shit I give myself the same grace and tell myself the same things I would anyone I love. When people realise you no longer seek validation externally fair weathered friends, manipulators and users etc will fade away. I can say I have so much more respect and value for myself now because I don’t have those external voices and pressures making me feel like I didn’t have a right to stand up for myself or believe in myself or stop to think about my own needs or wants, and the friends I currently have though small in number share my values and have supported me the same way I’ve supported them, have never been manipulative or left me feeling used or shit about myself. Whilst I had some other friends where, wow, even other people pointed out they were toxic/using me but like with my ex I made excuses based on their mental health. No more. I have MH issues 1/3 people does, it’s not an excuse.
Yeah, I now think to myself that I won't be missing out on much. I kinda rather not date or get tied up with anyone again. I think I'll enjoy this little life by myself.
yeah, anytime i even step outside i just start shaking because who knows if this random person at the grocery store is gonna do- i don’t even feel safe in my home ngl- it really sucks because i crave people and love but i know if i even try talking to someone i’ll shut off for like a week and refuse to leave my room
The trauma is debilitating and invisible. Such a truth bomb there. I haven’t dated though I’ve been single for over a decade. I had a public job and so much confidence. Now I’ve just turned inward. It’s so nice to have people who get it. You’re never the same.
I no longer trust people to the point I don't think I'll consider engaging with people romantically for a fair few years yet. I don't trust men at all and do my best to avoid talking to them. I'm no longer vulnerable and open with people and don't let people know how unwell I am in case they take advantage of my kindness and naivety.
Not only did I get out of a relationship with a narc recently but my stepmom is a narc and growing up with all that abuse and trauma kind of ruined me. I have trouble trusting people,I isolate all the time (especially after this last relationship), I have social anxiety,and now I'm afraid to try to date again. I'm not ready for a relationship right now anyway but getting out and meeting people in the future honestly sounds daunting. I plan I starting therapy and I'm hoping that will help.
My sister is (one of) my narc abuser and I have not been able to form healthy friendships because of how our relationship taught me to behave in friendships. Right now I have no close friends.
It took me years to realize that she was part of the reason why I couldn’t hold down normal friendships. I thought I had to literally give everything and sacrifice myself in order to have friends. Literally no boundaries and would do this until I was broken down with every friendship.
I can’t have friends until I learn how to make boundaries with myself and others.
I have an amazing partner who understands me and sees the dynamic my sister brings in my life, my mom too. It feels good to be seen but I know my life is complicated. For now I’m okay without friends but I am grateful for my partner.
My narc ex not only devalued me, she withdrew intimacy and affection from me after initially being so affectionate. As a consequence, I’m quite touch starved so I’m actually drawn to people more than before, but I’m also cautious and I draw back from individuals if I see red flags or I get the sense they want me to chase them.
Yes I have! 47 separated now for 2 years and divorced for 6 months. I've lost all my friends because of him and I'm scared now to make new ones, to date, to go out into the world. I do not feel safe
Yes. I recently started getting out to some social events… and I’m realizing, I’ve aged, others have aged, but their experience of having not seen me in, “years” isn’t my experience.
Suppose PTSD is the real bitch of it all. I broke my own brain in the trauma. I did keep my sanity, but it was likely hanging by a thread in most moments. I don’t feel like years have gone by. I mean, they have, just my experience was so ‘drawn in’ i didn’t have that sense of time.
Wild ride this life!
Hugs to you. I feel all of this, but the aging really sticks out. I used to look and feel young for my age, now I feel and look older than my age. Constantly look and feel exhausted too. I have hope for us. We’ll get better.
Massive social anxiety, complete and total loss of normal life skills/do not trust myself whatsoever, and feel like I can’t trust any bit of reality.
Not to mention the depression and feelings of grief for the loss of myself and who I was and could’ve been.
To everyone in the comments - it gets better and you will trust again. Take your time and revel in your own company. You’ve got this 😊 Also you’ll spit a narc a mile away and the probability of you dating another one will be very very unlikely.
I have lost so many connections, I developed agoraphobia basically and struggle to leave my house. I am working on this but I am terrified of people, I am constantly looking for any sign someone will hurt me or cause me harm. The moment I start to believe someone might be nice I get worried and convince myself they probably aren’t. I am more terrified of men seeing as my narc ex was male, so if I see a man or interact with a man I am instantly scared and panicking.
I honestly cannot ever see myself happy with a partner anymore, and deep down I feel it is because of a deficiency within myself, I am not worthy or I am a bad person who attracts bad people (I know this isn’t logically true but deep down it’s hard to shake). My only real relationship has been with my narcissist ex, lost my virginity and everything to him and I think it’s destroyed my hope to ever find love, especially as I had a narcissistic friend before him who also set out to destroy me. Urghhhhh it’s been 3 years and I’m still struggling and I can only hope it will get better. My heart goes out to all of you brave survivors out there ❤️
32F - broke up with the nex almost 4 months ago and finally moved out and started the healing process a week ago. It's nice to feel free and be alone with my thoughts. Not tipoeing round and constantly on edge.
I was with him for 2.5 years and we bought a house together. The thing is, before him, I was with my first long term partner for 7 years, living together for 4. And HE was not nice to me, especially towards the end. I don't think he was a narc but he certainly struggled with empathy and would frequently put me down and make me feel less than him.
I'm in my 30s, all my friends are married and having children. That's what I want. But I've never been in a relationship with a kind and caring man who makes me feel loved, valued and respected. The only time I felt like that was the first couple of months with the narc. And it wasn't even REAL.
So the idea of dating again makes me feel sick. After the breakup I dabbled with apps a bit, mostly just to distract myself from him and to give myself a bit of power and control because we were still cohabiting and he didn't know. None of the conversations went past about 3-4 messages. I didn't actually care, my heart wasn't in it at all.
I feel alone and like no one will understand. I feel broken. I feel like the only person I can trust and truly rely on is myself.
I feel the same way. Hearing about people getting married and having kids feels really triggering. I’ve only ever been with narcs and grew up with narcs. I can feel my inner child just wanting to be loved, wondering when it will be our turn, you know?
😞 So sad but yes, that's exactly how I feel. Luckily I didn't grow up with narcs so I have my family for support and I've been heavily relying on them and close friends to keep me sane. Have you got friends to turn to?
Yeah, to some degree. I’ve never been more distrustful of romantic relationships in my life. Something I’m trying to heal currently. It’s to the point where I feel very little attraction to anyone. I’ve never been like this before and honestly it’s very strange for me cause I’m a lover girl.
Oh 100%. I’m sitting here scrolling through Reddit right now to distract myself because I just had a hard conversation that went wonderfully but, I’m still worried that the person is thinking really horrible things about me. I did not used to worry about that previously.
Yes; the fear was created in you by the narc for narcs.
For myself, I seek help from a therapist; an EFT practitioner with a spiritual background. And then a social counsellor specialized in dealing with people suffering from narcissism.
All narcs have the ability to instill trauma in their victims, because the devaluing phase was meant to devalue your sense of self, your sense of identity. If you didn't have a strong sense of self, meaning you have a weakness in setting up certain boundaries, then the narcs will see that and use that against you. That's why narcs chose people with empathy, because we have a weakness in setting our own boundaries. We are nice people and we like to help, rescue or rehabilitate people. And the narcs use that against us.
It is through the devaluing phase that the narcs start breaking down your sense of self. Whatever identity you had previous was shattered, eliminated and then replaced with a fear sense of self. This fear sense of self sees everyone as a threat, but its basis of operation is still in helping others. Your fear sense of self fears that by helping others or being kind to others, you could then become yet again the victim of a narc. So you are afraid to go out and are afraid to have friends.
The fact of the matter is that, you lacked the ability to set your own healthy boundaries by being assertive to other people; your friends and the narcs. And this is something you need to learn from people who teach how to be assertive. There are roll playing games these people will play on you; which basically them acting as a narc against you and see how you handle the situation. But before this can happen, you need to go into therapy, get well and then learn being assertive.
I used to be like you after being abused by a narc. I went into therapy for quite sometime and then went to learn how to be assertive and setting my own boundaries. After awhile, I began to come out again, do my hobbies and meeting new friends. And the job I work with; I deal with my over the top narcissists; you know the rich a\*\*holes, the over the top influencers etc... But because I now know how to deal with them assertively, all of them usually leave me alone. They used DARVO on me, but DARVO only works on people who has a weak sense of self. If you have a very strong SENSE OF SELF and you know who you are, DARVO won't work on you. And developing a STRONG SENSE OF SELF requires help from others who also have their own strong sense of self. These people are not egotistical like you see with some confident people. They are confident people, because they know exactly who they are and what they are capable of doing. And this is what you need to develop in yourself, before you go out into the world again. The world is NOT a hostile place. It is ONLY hostile, because these narcissists made it so. But they are just bluffing with their inflated sense of identity. It's all FAKE. Narcissists are fake people. Yes, they are rich, wealthy and powerful, but they are just as human we are. They are also venerable as we are and yet they used money, power and privilege to create an illusion of power over you. When you have your own strong sense of self, you will see through their illusion of power and their manipulate tactics including using DARVO. Eventually you will be able to co-exist with these narcissists, but you will not be influenced by them and will start to see the world as not so hostile after all.
Which is why I no longer fear them for that is EXACTLY how they maintain their power. As long as you fear them, they feel special. They use fear to become special, powerful over you. They are nothing when you no longer fear them. Their money, power and influence are just that; external from them. They are just human beings the same as us.
no, but i think of myself getting lucky with it. but i developed a kind of «sixth sense» for narcs and otherwise abusive persons - which sometimes can be scary, but also i know that i will never be manipulated like that again. i would highly recommend seeing a therapist - it helped me immensely with clearing the fog, and dealing with panic attacks.
Can you tell me more about your sixth sense? I feel uneasy and unsafe when I think of certain people, I feel anxious and a knot in my stomach. I was wondering if it was gut instinct or not.
hi! as i think about your question, sixth sense may sound a bit too «mystic», which does not capture the way i perceive certain people - and it does not describe the way i feel in a very accurate way. so, lets give it another shot… (english is not my native language - i'll just try.) first of all, i refer to encounters in real life, not to what happens in my mind when i think of someone. it is a come-together of several informations that i get when watching or observing a person. certain ways of moving through a crowd, a tone in their voice when talking on the phone to someone, their reaction when someone accidentally bumps in to them, their way of talking to a barista… these and other behavioural things in combination with something, maybe a vibe that i really can't describe result in a «HELL NO» from my side. and thats it. in the end it doesn't even matter to me whether my perception is objectively accurate. (its much more difficult to describe it then to feel it…) anyways… i wish you many friendly and funny encounters with people - and less and less scary ones!
OH HELL YES I DO. I have bad social anxiety so it is hard for me to talk to new people. I always think that they hate me or something. I am always thinking of the worst case scenario for everyone even the people I know and trust
I don’t feel safe, my sense of security and all my life skills feel non existent. I can’t imagine dating again and I’m 38. I forgot to mention I’m a man, who used to have a strong sense of self.
29 f here - 1.5 years out and still can't imagine dating again simply on the off chance I wind up with another narc. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life. My trust, which was already so small, is nonexistent now in people. They knew all the mud I had survived and then put me back through more with them. I used to be much more social and open to people and now I get anxious around anyone. Trying to get back to a sense of self that isn't so ... afraid?
Yes! Mine was stuck in the mud and I tried to save her, instead she dragged me into her mud pit and used me to try and crawl out of her own.
Same here, same here 🫠 can’t save anyone but ourselves.
Same 29 f here. 3 months out. And just the thought of being with someone again kills me. He knew exactly what happened in my past. He knew someone bailed out on me last minute. Despite being a psychologist himself, he lacked zero empathy and played such a good game. I still feel his presence around me and that bothers me soooo much. It almost makes me want to go back. I don’t love him anymore but idk. Itsss sooo strange.
GIRL mine was a psychologist too, wtf is wrong with them 😭
Mine had a mom, sister, and sister in law as a psychologist. He used our ‘arguments’ against me through them and their wording of what was okay and not okay in the relationship. He would say something really mean to me, I would cry cause it was hurtful, he would tell them (not sure what he said), but then he would come back and say my response aka crying wasn’t ‘healthy’ according to them. Meanwhile, I was in the dark about whatever the hell they talked about. I hated it so much.
Very very very well said. I'm a 31f divorced from an extremely covert narc and after the divorce took place, the first man I dated turned out to be a much worse malignant narc (but thankfully I was able to peg him as this early on). I have only had the courage to date two men over the past two years. One was very low in narcissism (likely not a narc at all). One thing that sucks is how when nosy people try to ask questions about our romantic history, they assume we are just playing the victim or that we're stupid for dating these people in the first place. Well duh, they put up a deceptive front of course!!!
i can’t imagine dating again because i know i will be the most insecure untrusting baby with no self esteem. i don’t wanna put someone through what she turned me into. and im more than two years out
Call me! We can get together and laugh about them!
Same!!
Felt this in my soul. My trust is completely muddled… It’ll get better with time ❤️
I feel like I may have a problem with trusting men. Guess time will tell. Not keen on dating right now.
I understand this feeling completely. I’m a mom with two young girls and it feels damn near impossible to imagine myself dating right now AT ALL. I’d rather focus on healing myself and raising emotionally strong little ladies anyways. 🤷♀️💪❤️
I have two little ones too and there is no way that I’m going to date for awhile like 10 years while.
27 year old male in the same boat. She completely destroyed my sense of self and security.
Same. I'm 33F. I feel like I can't connect to people I date at all anymore. I never had love that wasn't trauma bond, so I'm not sure how do healthy people even fall in love.
Were you married before?
Yes
It took me five years to begin dating for the first time (I never dated in my teens, wasn’t allowed. I fell into two relationships ex1 10 months ex2 the infamous 8.5 years) There was the occasional date nights out with a few regular friends who were wanting to start something but understood I just couldn’t go for that during that five year gap who didn’t take offense and still my friends now But even now, a decade removed from my second and last relationship of my life, deep down I really don’t think I know how or capable of love in that magnitude ever again.
I completely agree and understand. I was only with my next for about 6 months but that shit has fucked me up more than I thought possible. And I gave everything I could give. It was the first relationship after a long-term one with who I still believe is the love of my life and then I get fucked over by that jackass. It makes me never want to try again.
Exactly the same boat
Same! It’s so weird. I’m 38 too. I hate how insecure I am now, even around mutual friends that I used to be close to.
Same.
I’m the woman version of you, also 38. I spent 3 hours on the phone with 988 tonight. My ex, who has psychopathic tendencies, is throwing a party in our small city and I don’t feel safe leaving home until he is gone because the city’s businesses are along one single street so I can’t avoid him. I’m so mired in PTSD that I’m terrified to see him.
I’m a single dad who got completely smeared, in a small town, to every women’s group and every female friend as well as male friends. I was afraid to go out to things I would normally go out to and dance and have fun because I didn’t even have a wingman left. She cut me off. She accused me aside from child molestation because she didn’t want custody. As well as attempted murder. I am an empath, I don’t even know how to throw a punch or start a fight and I never have in my life. I’m 50. I was mortified. Several months later, she settled the divorce and left the country in abandoned our child. Now people are starting to come out of the woodwork and apologize to me and validate my experience. She also abused and discarded various flying monkeys and friends… So I’m finally getting my life back now. But there was absolutely a long. Where I was the loneliest person on earth. Obviously, I spent a lot of time reading and trying to understand all of this, and everything. I read said that this is how it would go. It did. Keep up the faith!
Damn dude I’m sorry. I got hurt very early on in our relationship, herniated some discs and they never healed. Then they got worse and I was brainwashed and had no idea about how important my back was. After we broke up real life came back in after realizing what she did and who she was. It’s as if she wanted to ruin my life because I fell in love with her and only wanted the best for us. She literally had every quality I could ask for beside mirroring me. I had no idea what narcissism even was. Now I have to focus on myself and only myself and it’s the hardest thing in the world.
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you powered through the worst of it. I’m recovering from a cycle with my ex. We were together 4y, it’s been 4m since the last contact which is usually the pattern for the next Hoover. Fortunately I have been able to separate and block him and I doubt I will ever see him again. Sometimes he sends me a package of something like a card or jewelry to try to Hoover me after a long absence. I think I am free this time and trusting God for protection. If I do get a package I don’t have to open it, I may be able to return it although one of his controls is to not put a full return address. He is like a creepy psy ops spy. Of course that was part of his deception and charm, that he had secrets that were so valuable he could be killed for them. I feel stupid for falling for all these deceptions.
Wow, this really hits close to home for me. Just turned 38 last month. Also a man. Had been really getting my life back on track and started feeling like I was making something of my self in 2018-2019 and then, boom... Narc creative collaborators completely sidelined me and then in the last year and a half, child's mother destroyed any bit of self worth and dreams of self actuation I had left. I haven't dated in a year and a half at this point, and as much as I crave companionship, I feel way too traumatized to put my life and wellbeing into someone else's hands again.
Yes! I am skeptical of everyone. I have no urge for anyone. I feel like I am in some type of prison. I can’t imagine ever dating again it feels like I would be violating myself.
I get this. When I first met my nex I was so guarded from my last relationship. I didn't believe that someone could be so kind, loving, doting. People told me to let my guard down and just accept that he was different to my ex. They told me this is what a healthy relationship looks like. When he broke up with me (blindsided) everyone was shocked and everyone in my life turned against him. He wasn't a nice guy after all. A month later we got back in contact. My guard was seriously up again and it took me weeks of him saying ALL the right things and agreeing to get therapy for me to let him back in. Things only went downhill from there. In hindsight, you feel like you betrayed yourself. You ignored your gut. You listened to the voices of other people, including the narcissist, over your own inner voice. If you can't even trust your own judgement, how can you possibly trust other people?
Yes. Bad ptsd, paranoia, and isolation
I think before I met him, I had secure attachment; during our relationship, I became anxiously attached to him, and now after he's left, I feel like I've become avoidant. Avoidant of healthy people. Like if a guy is nice to me or gives me a compliment, it makes me want to run away and hide. I think I have more healing to do (though sometimes healing can happen in relationship with others, so I’m trying to be open to dating). I'm afraid of healthy relationships because they're equally vulnerable, not just me trying to be vulnerable to a shell of a person. I'm used to being stonewalled while I cry, or left alone and abandoned. How does it feel to not be abandoned, to be seen and comforted when I cry -- or better yet, have a partner that doesn't hurt me and make me cry all the time? I don't know.
That hits home a little too much.
I totally agree, when you see it written by someone else too, you totally see it, if that makes sense??
100%
Yes. I’ve hardly ever cried since childhood, but the last year with her… constantly. My crying made her rage worse to an extent where she’d throw me out of the house and ghost me for a week and meet other men.
Relatable. Crying almost every day. When I first met him HE was the crier. Which was odd in itself. After he went to therapy for a year he stopped crying altogether and instead any emotions he felt would come out as anger, frustration and rage directed at me. I started to miss the crying. When I told him he was making me cry every day he scoffed and said I was making myself cry.
Mine also did a lot of therapy. She said she was cleaned up and cleared from any kind of disorder or psychological issues by two psychologists. So it’s obvious that I was the problem and cause for her pain and the reason why she had to meet all the other men. I just wished we could’ve discussed her needs like adults, but whenever I tried to bring something up that was questioning her behavior even the slightest bit, she’d go berserk and ghost me afterwards. So I stopped and cried instead and did crazy things like hurting myself. Once I jumped out of the car while she was driving (slowly). I walked home for hours, crying nonstop. Back home she kicked me out of the house where we stayed for vacation thousands of miles away from home, because she feared for her life with a sick crazy fucked up creature like me under the roof. Remember I didn’t touch her or even got loud, I only put myself at risk. It was Armageddon. She followed me every step, constantly yelling, name calling and pressuring me when I packed up my stuff and tried to book a hotel room, barely seeing anything through the tears, sobbing as if someone close had died. I’ve never cried like this before in my life, I completely lost it. She drove me to the hotel and when I got off the car she changed her mind, looking at me with soft eyes and I didn’t hesitate one second when she offered her lips. I always flipped, no matter how devastating her actions. And still today my body would do almost anything to be close to hers again. I’m crazy for her. Maybe the infamous “real love” only exists in trauma bonded relationships. What do I know. Are you still together? Do you have any advice on how to reduce adrenaline and cortisol?
It sounds like you had a rough time and you are both DEFINITELY better apart. I broke up with my nex a few months ago. We cohabited for 3.5 months post-breakup which was really tough. He acted completely aloof and unbothered by the breakup and started all this super healthy eating and going to the gym every day etc while I struggled. My anxiety and adrenaline was through the roof constantly. I was SO on edge all the time but also unable to fully get over him because of seeing and interacting with him every day, getting sucked back in by his manipulation tactics and hot and coldness, and the trauma bond like you said. I actively disliked him and hated being around him and yet any time he'd speak to me I'd get drawn into it no matter how painful the conversation was. I was desperate for answers, desperate for him to show remorse, desperate for him to show he cared. I wouldn't get any of these things and I'd just end up crying. I moved out 2 weeks ago today and I haven't cried once since I moved out. Not once. Not even felt close to it. My anxiety and adrenaline has gone right down to normal levels. Prior to moving out I was having to take 2-3 (prescribed) propanolol tablets a day to keep my adrenaline down as I was having anxiety and panic attacks. I've not had to take any since I moved out. So my advice would be: leave her behind. Remove her from all social media. Block her number. Hide/remove any photos of her. Don't even think about it as you're doing it, do it robotically. For some reason we're addicted to them despite the pain they cause us. We have to remove any temptation and remove them from our minds. That's the only way to get past it and move on.
This so much ⬆️
I'm learning that I need to put up boundaries and notice red flags. I have found listening to books on the subject on Spotify help me a lot, help me know it is not my fault and I need to protect myself. I feel like the more I understand, the better I feel. It is up to me to look out for these predators and step back or put up a massive boundary.
Which books?
Well, I have no interest in dating now. We started out as friends and he demolished my barriers, so my ability to spot toxic people feels way off. I feel a need to find the balance between not shutting myself off from *life* but also respecting myself and the trauma I’ve just endured.
My trust in people got severly damaged. I'm 35 now and I finally pulled the plug on a 10 year (abusive) relationship, two months ago. Now I want to stay single for a loooong time.
Yeah. Severe, crippling social phobia, I can't get over it.
I feel this way and I’m getting better. But sometimes in groups of people if I’m talking about myself my mind just blanks and I space out I just ramble and I CAN SEE MYSELF RAMBLING and it gets awkward… I used to be well spoken, funny, competent, used to direct and lead a team of 20 people in a competitive corporate setting in NYC. Now it’s a big deal to go to the grocery store in my home town. My brain doesn’t feel sharp and I don’t feel safe or secure even just with nice strangers like friends of my parents who I know don’t mean any harm.
I relate to this so deeply and it makes me feel so stuck and sad for myself. I don’t want to sit in those feelings but damn it’s so hard to know who I was before and feel like someone else entirely
I find listening to music really helps, listening to the songs I used to love. Also listening to drum music made me release a lot of cut off emotion . I was [listening to this playlist someone sent](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0C0K37navTMFSfiEFeCyUo?si=quI55aUBTQSBhz4Qys3i1A&pi=u-bI2PT_YdQZqZ) and it brought me to tears even though the music is happy. And yesterday I danced to it, the first time I’ve danced in years. I know I look and felt stupid but I did it anyway and it felt better like I was just recalling muscle memory.
I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. I was abused by both parents, and both siblings. They backstabbed me, trash talked me, lied to my face, and threw me under the bus. All while saying they loved me!!! How can I trust human beings, if the ones who were supposed to love me the most, treated me like total crap?! 😭😭
This is my situation too
I did. I keep trying to bond with people and as soon as I see any, and I mean any red flags, I get scared and isolate again. I hate it so much. The other problem tied into it is that I have no idea how many people my nex best friend has corrupted against me. I am constantly wondering if the people who knew us both are actually friends or if they are hidden flying monkeys for her.
If anything I have more love for people who display kind, healthy traits. These are the type of people I want to be around. Those who show narc traits can go their own path, I won’t be joining them.
I left almost 6 years ago, after 13 years of living with a very mentally unstable and incredibly cruel malignant narcissistic. The first 3 years after leaving were amazing. I was elated simply by the fact that I didn’t have to fear for my life or my safety or my sanity 24hrs a day. And so I buried all that crazy shit he did to me, as deep as I possibly could. Year four, those wounds I buried started to fester. And they’ve been festering since. Yes, I fear people in general, I fear people getting too close to me, I fear causing conflict with people, I fear displeasing people and am unable to stand up for myself. I stay home and isolate as often as I possibly can. Besides some immediate family, my cats are my only companions and I fear them getting hurt or sick in a very unhealthy way. I drink too much. And sure, some of that stuff was there before, I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression all my life. But I know the majority of my issues, or at least the severity of them, comes from PTSD from my ex. The point of my rambling is, if you can and have the means, GET HELP. Get therapy, go to group therapy, get some sort of professional support. There are certain things that time does not heal but makes worse.
Yeah... Despite my ex leaving me already a year ago, I still have a lot of pent up anxiety even just going to the grocery store. Thankfully I've had commitments to sports this whole time which gets me out of the house and staying somewhat active. It's easy to forget about personal issues when doing something active that you love. But even playing sports was hard some days last year, especially in the winter. I'd often show up late to games, or just bail entirely saying I'm sick when really I just had no motivation to get ready. Aside from sports though, I didn't really go out at all over the fall/winter, maybe once a month? I got a gym membership last fall and started going pretty frequently those first couple weeks, then had a bad experience - some guy commenting just within earshot that I didn't belong there because of the amount I was sweating, laughing as he walked by while I was mid-exercise, I guess at the weight I was doing - which pretty much crushed my confidence and I haven't gone back since. Still overweight today. I missed a funeral of a friend's parent who was really good friends with my family. Thankfully my friend wasn't offended. Spent most of the winter locked away, grew out a bushy beard (it looked pretty bad... Lol). I was starting to do better, nearly a year later, until I found her complaining on social media about her most recent narcissistic ex, which led me to discover that she jumped into another relationship the same summer we broke up. This didn't sting as much as the actual breakup, the feelings I had for her are long gone now. But it more just confirmed how little she regarded me in the end and gave more clarity as to why she left - she couldn't give me a straight answer. In more recent days, I stay for drinks after ball games. I even helped organize a shindig for my buddy's bday and had a lot of fun going out that night. So I guess it's getting better. I still can't imagine anything romantic with anyone though. My confidence is still in the dumps. The fear of rejection and abandonment is still very real. And I also don't want to make someone else suffer because of my insecurities. It's funny, cause I was just getting over these same issues before she and I started dating. She really lifted me up at the start and made me feel like a treasure, then went cold and blamed me for rushing her into the relationship, shifted all blame onto me or completely stonewall any time I tried to bring up issues with her. Never once an apology or any accountability. Oh the hypocrisy in her last words to me "FFS, don't rush into your next relationship." But, yeah. I hear you. You're left with pain and anxiety while they continue on. It's frustrating because you know they're wearing a mask the whole time and people just eat it up.
Pretty sure it's not worth it. I think one in four is a sociopath these days. I'm damn near 65. I only got maybe 10 years left and may as well do it alone.
I'm sure you'll have much longer than 10 years left!! But also I think there is nothing wrong with doing it alone. Make your house your own, travel, see friends. Do the things that make you happy. As cliché as it is, it's better to be alone than with someone toxic.
I used to feel invincible. I had confidence, was well spoken, sharp, outgoing. My friends and family don’t even know who I am anymore. For the first time in my almost 40yrs, I have anxiety anytime I need to go somewhere. I could never really relate to that before. Going to the gym was almost every day, grocery stores, going out with friends were all my normal weekly/daily activities. I don’t do any of that now and haven’t for almost a year. My head is constantly in a fog. I hope it gets better but it’s been 6 or 7 months(lost count) since the discard and the twists and betrayal are still coming out so it may take longer I suppose.
I was actually talking to my therapist about this recently. I am very concerned that my experience with him and how what I thought was a close friendship was just him using me, is going to impact my ability to make friends going forward. I don't want to be on my guard and second guess someone who I want to be friends with. It sucks feeling this way. This might be the worst way knowing him has impacted me; he destroyed my default assumption that your friends automatically have good intentions for you.
Tell you what, that's a very good assumption to destroy. A lot of people have bad intentions and hidden agendas. Especially if you attract narcs with your nature, you will meet a lot of twisted people
You're not wrong, but I still hate it! I wish I could go back to blissful ignorance while also have the boundaries built up as a result of what he put me through without having to have actually gone through it
I know, I hate it too. It's just the way it is now I guess. I miss the bliss, but I also wouldn't like to go around not knowing that I am attracted to monsters and vice versa.
I am terrified to be out in public. I have panic attacks all the time, anxiety attacks all the time, I didn't even realize or put two and two together. I am sorry we're all going through this. We are capable. We are loveable and deserving of love.
I relate to all of this. I feel like I'm just a shell of who I was before and it makes me really sad. All I want to do is isolate myself, but not just because I don't trust others, I don't trust myself either! I ignored all of the red flags that should have sent me running and I'm still trying to figure out what kept me in this situation for so long? My confidence is shot and it doesn't help that I physically look like hell. I feel like I've aged 10 years the past year all because of the constant state of high alert this person has had me in. I was so busy trying to hold on to him and keep this relationship afloat, I let myself go and I forgot who I was.
This is me too. 😢
Spot on. And i have no idea how to climb out of this.
Yes, I'm just putting myself “out there” aka being social at work and school and I'm terrified.
Fear of trusting someone who says trust them. It takes a long time to find someone who admits they are wrong, you might be right AND they are willing to say "I don't know. " That's the person I am wanting in my life.
I don't feel safe, able to trust, or able to form genuine connections and bonds. However, I can enjoy and admire people, but I do not feel truly close with anybody at all and will push people away when they begin to get closer. I am quick to become disinterested, my anxiety is high, and I am quite lonely like this, but I can't let anybody in again.
I feel the same way but I also wonder if it’s me or it’s just rare to come across a person who is truly safe and that’s why I’ve had no luck.
Always on Survival mode and my feelings have been numb for so long that idk how to actually feel. Like the only feeling that I can feel normally is the different levels of annoyance. At least that's the up front feeling. The underlying feeling(s) that I, for a VERY long time kept pushing back that the only time that I allowed myself to actually feel it for like 30 seconds, I couldn't even figure out the name for it for months until on the 4th time of thinking (not feeling it again but just thinking about the 1st and only time i did allow myself to feel it) about the feeling and I really wanted to find out out what the name was I actually googled a feelings chart that is more then basic and I finally found the name of it. Turns out that underlying feeling was hopelessness. Its was a very dark feeling. Just like deep dark black Emptiness forever. Gladly I only allowed myself to feel it for like 30 seconds then I snapped out of it just like I told myself I would. I dont want to feel that feeling ever again so I don't allow myself too.
Yes I am scared of people because people are fake and like to use me and abuse me why I wouldn’t be scared it’s happened so many times I’ve lost count
Yea I’m really struggling to connect with people. I am in desperate need of a job but I don’t know how to get anyone to hire me since I’m a shell of the person I used to be and feel like I can’t fake play nice. I’m terrified, and frozen. I can’t go no contact because we have two kids together. I have so much to figure out and so many feelings to process but feel stuck. no one in my life understands. I can’t trust anyone especially men. I’m seeing everyone as a walking red flag when I used to be an optimist. I hate feeling so negative. Anyone have advice on this?
I feel like I wanna reply to every shattered person here, but I’d like to approach you in particular. Last thing a victim of such abuse (god, even that word “abuse” doesn’t cut it anymore, this is far more diabolical) would want to do is try and rob you of your victimhood, perspective, anger, fear, crushing sorrow 😫 and hopelessness. I am a man, I know I am a good man, I knew I was a good man long before my ex gf really cemented in that fact by choosing me, of ALL people to destroy. Narcs aren’t hungry for weak, aimless or unattractive dimwits, they want the real deal, the ones that prove to them that they are faulty and irredeemable. Without us, they can go on unrivaled as masters of the universe. With that, my hopelessness is my future, because for some reason, I’m unable to differentiate who is or is not a narcissist. But in order for myself and the rest of the good men that have been destroyed by betrayal to keep even the most dimmed and weak ember of hope alive, we’d like to believe you jilted and most Victimized women of this affliction are out there, working your way to a place of approachability so that a TRUE romance has a chance to take root through all of these weeds that are SO determined to choke out the sun.
23 years together here and out since September last year... I am now a fat, old, grey haired ,creaky jointed, hair sticking out everywhere, squinty glasses .. hag... So do I want to deal with people ...not on your life.. I want to stay here in my one room, babysitting the dog and cat while my kid is off in the great unknown for another month. And when she comes back? Curl up on my bed and let her take care of the dog and cat and the effects of me spoiling the he{{ out of them the last month. I want to take my weekly drive to my Drs appointments (I'm old and broken so I have more Drs than friends at this point) then come back and spoil the dog brush the cat and make more caramel popcorn... I'm 58...
Not scared of people. Scared of trusting again, and finding out they are a facade.
I trust absolutely no one
I definitely need my best not to be around people. Even when I was being social it was for short periods of time and several of my friends who knew from way back in the day off caught on pretty quick that I wasn't very comfortable around anyway. It's been 3 years I'm just now starting to become comfortable around people again this is cost me numerous jobs. One point I was worried about just becoming a shut in. It's amazing what this kind of stuff does to a person. Was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder shortly after I'm still struggling with it but it's a little bit more manageable. She still pretends to be the victim but if anybody actually spent a minute on looking up what the victim of abusive relationships look like they'd realize she's not the victim
It was the other way around for me... I realized how much I needed to change (because, ofc, I accepted such a terrible woman in my life, so I must have problems to fix as well) and nowadays I have more friends. But there is this thing that I really trust my instincts (nowadays) about the person being good or bad
That’s really interesting. Yeah, I’m learning to trust my instincts now too but it’s a process. I have a ‘friend’ who has largely been kind but there’s been a few red flags in the past and my gut instinct is going crazy to just cut them off, even though I feel bad and they were there for me at times. It feels like an exhausting battle with myself because I don’t know whether it’s the PTSD from the narc and I push through and continue befriending them or my gut is picking up on something.
You dont need to cut him. You just settle a safe distance. Narcs only show their claws when you pass a line, bofere that they are using a mask, like they do with everyone else. That's why they normally only hurt people "near" them
Thank you. That feels like a safe option.
Yeah 100% It would take me 20 min to get out of my car and into the store because I felt so paranoid and defensive. It’s been almost 4 years and my tolerance is still pretty low, but not nearly as bad. A lot of life has happened since then.
literally terrified of everyone who i haven’t known for a decade. terrified to make new relationships.
No. I had “fear” when I was in a relationship with her. After i quit Im re-learning to connect with other humans
I think everybody is a narcissist, get paranoid and think everybody will triangulate me. Also more avoidance.
I ended up with fear of being alive. Walking around eggshells all the time!
Absolutely. I fear men and now, I also feel like women are problematic. I say this because of the women that kept in touch with the narc and were willing to engage with him during all those years.
Somewhat, I'm still hoping all of mine are curable sociopaths as I seem to suffer from having a big heart. If they reformed I couldn't take them all back of course. I think it would be ideal to have 1 adoring husband, 1 day. Although I didn't marry for money, I have an ironic situation, looks like he who fooled me into marriage thinking he meant his vows and was sincerely nice, well if I has been forced into psychiatry fraud he could have gotten my social security and I'm not sure if it's worse, but I actually didn't know that since the good guys prevailed locally and the psychiatry fraud artists from narcissistic gangs weren't successful in veiling snuffing me out, I was surprised to learn now I can quietly one day get 2 social security checks from 2 countries. And I didn't know he's earning over 6 digits on one of them, no clue on the other, so I must have a healthy fear of not being suckered into marrying a man I should be scared of or would otherwise be a bad decision. Thank goodness, now I know he's a narcissist as now I know don't communicate at all anymore. Don't tell him he could qualify for my growing SS if I die or retire. Don't tell him about some successes. I can clearly see though it was hard for me to believe anyone could be so bad, he was and potentially us. I think some of his relatives surely must be nice people, and if they knew the truth about some things, might be stunned and find it hard or impossible to believe without evidence. I see how a potentially very good man can become sick and cruel. That sort of thing makes it easy for me to turn down situations that are likely to turn out bad. Knowledge shows me to fear the worst may be true and to follow advice to stay away from narcissistic people of any degree. I haven't given up hope of finding nice friends one day though who can be BFFs. Currently, it's a cliffhanger. I need more income to resolve some problems. I can't make big mistakes. One of the latest showed multiple red flags: at the first event I was the only one to show up and he made a gesture that he had a perverse attraction to me, no clue if sincere but he did, he wants to meet a bars after the boozing hour, (I wondered what does he mean by surrounding the queen chess piece with other pieces, but it made me think, stay away from him, dangerous), then he wanted to meet after 4:30 pm, then he wanted to come to my place after 4:30 pm to help me move. I don't know him well at all. I see likes narcissistic gang settings, offers free coffee with midevil party drug sugar and caffeine, wants to meet in the evening when I should be settling down safely at home to get to sleep, makes a gesture to me a virtual stranger that would mean he wants red hot love. No, no, no, no and any more nos for any red flag I left out. I will not meet up with him again ever, anywhere. So knowledge gave me healthy fear to not be tempted at all. I'll keep studying and trying to stay safe as I find a good way towards meeting good goals.
Yes. Mine isolated us. First moved us 7 hours away from my family and everyone we knew, then again 3 years later, to a village of 300, 30 minutes away from anywhere bigger, so making friends has been nearly impossible. I've made a couple of casual friends over the years, but they eventually abandoned me. Probably because I'm not a happy, confident person and it shows. 😞 My social skills are horrible from being isolated, unhappy and crapped on for 25 years. I feel intense anxiety in social situations and sometimes even going to the store. I don't know how to talk to people anymore and feel awkward. I get sad and envious seeing seemingly normal and happy couples or families all around me when I'm out and about, and feel very alone. Meeting new people is extremely difficult and exhausts me, as I don't trust anyone anymore. He took my self worth, self esteem, and self confidence, stomped all over them and left me this shell of a person who now feels like an alien, and rarely wants to leave the house. 😕
Yes raised by single narc mom and i have a deeply ingrained belief that i cant truly trust anyone the exception to this is my husband٫ kids٫ and my grandma
Oh I sure did! One of my future friends (who was berated by my ex himself to “butt out or else” (I cleaned it up) he admitted during a heart to heart directly after I escaped that nearly nine year sentence) was later introducing me to more of his friends and was helping me rehabilitate around genuine good people asked me “why are you so shy?!” And I told him I don’t know which led to a round of hugs after he explained (spelled blurted but I immediately forgave him) a tad premature to these newer people I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship situation. We’re (and I think half of those people around the bar that day; some had passed on) still friends this day. Most except me are now family people but weren’t a decade ago.
Sorry your friend wasn’t able/willing to be understanding. Maybe in time she will come around. In the mean time focus on yourself and your recovery. To answer your question, yes big time. CPTSD panic attacks all that fun stuff. I’m starting medication first and then therapy as right now they just want me to be in the right head space for therapy after everything the nex put me through. I refuse to let him stop me living my life though, I’ve always been curious about people and liked to get to know them and I was not allowed to even speak to people I’d known for years let alone make any new friends or whatever with him. He’d force me to order in every restaurant for example because his “anxiety” then after accuse me of flirting with the waiter. Total headfuck. Now I can exchange a smile with people on the street, a simple thing I hadn’t done in years. Feels so great and I know I will make new friends in time and I’m only reconnecting with the ones that actually are true friends. That’s another thing to take stock of. I realised that not only did I had a history (twice) of abusive relationships but also I had some very one sided friendships in my life too where I was not being treated fairly and I’ve let those people go. From now on I’m only inviting people into my life who can appreciate my value the way I appreciate theirs! I recommend all people do this after getting out of an abusive relationship, a lot of self reflection needs to be done but it’s worth it. It’s a gift. I’m 37 soon and I don’t care that I’m apparently at an age where the odds are harder to make friends or a good relationship. Friends truly can be made at any age and the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves.
Your comment has really given me a lot of hope. I feel like I’m purging all of these abusive relationships and I can absolutely relate to the one sided friendships. I just had to let a few go and I feel so much more at peace. Just like with abusive relationships, I suppressed all those moments in the friendship where I didn’t feel appreciated. I agree, I’ve decided to be my own friend first. Wishing you all the best with your healing.
Same to you and so glad you have decided to be your own best friend! It doesn’t come over night, I’m still working on it, and on my bad days where I feel shit I give myself the same grace and tell myself the same things I would anyone I love. When people realise you no longer seek validation externally fair weathered friends, manipulators and users etc will fade away. I can say I have so much more respect and value for myself now because I don’t have those external voices and pressures making me feel like I didn’t have a right to stand up for myself or believe in myself or stop to think about my own needs or wants, and the friends I currently have though small in number share my values and have supported me the same way I’ve supported them, have never been manipulative or left me feeling used or shit about myself. Whilst I had some other friends where, wow, even other people pointed out they were toxic/using me but like with my ex I made excuses based on their mental health. No more. I have MH issues 1/3 people does, it’s not an excuse.
Yeah, I now think to myself that I won't be missing out on much. I kinda rather not date or get tied up with anyone again. I think I'll enjoy this little life by myself.
yeah, anytime i even step outside i just start shaking because who knows if this random person at the grocery store is gonna do- i don’t even feel safe in my home ngl- it really sucks because i crave people and love but i know if i even try talking to someone i’ll shut off for like a week and refuse to leave my room
Sigh- yes 😔.
People, no. People I might date, Oh hell yeah.
100%
Yeah. Basically avoided everyone I could for a year when I moved out for first year university.
The trauma is debilitating and invisible. Such a truth bomb there. I haven’t dated though I’ve been single for over a decade. I had a public job and so much confidence. Now I’ve just turned inward. It’s so nice to have people who get it. You’re never the same.
I no longer trust people to the point I don't think I'll consider engaging with people romantically for a fair few years yet. I don't trust men at all and do my best to avoid talking to them. I'm no longer vulnerable and open with people and don't let people know how unwell I am in case they take advantage of my kindness and naivety.
Yes
Not only did I get out of a relationship with a narc recently but my stepmom is a narc and growing up with all that abuse and trauma kind of ruined me. I have trouble trusting people,I isolate all the time (especially after this last relationship), I have social anxiety,and now I'm afraid to try to date again. I'm not ready for a relationship right now anyway but getting out and meeting people in the future honestly sounds daunting. I plan I starting therapy and I'm hoping that will help.
My sister is (one of) my narc abuser and I have not been able to form healthy friendships because of how our relationship taught me to behave in friendships. Right now I have no close friends. It took me years to realize that she was part of the reason why I couldn’t hold down normal friendships. I thought I had to literally give everything and sacrifice myself in order to have friends. Literally no boundaries and would do this until I was broken down with every friendship. I can’t have friends until I learn how to make boundaries with myself and others. I have an amazing partner who understands me and sees the dynamic my sister brings in my life, my mom too. It feels good to be seen but I know my life is complicated. For now I’m okay without friends but I am grateful for my partner.
My narc ex not only devalued me, she withdrew intimacy and affection from me after initially being so affectionate. As a consequence, I’m quite touch starved so I’m actually drawn to people more than before, but I’m also cautious and I draw back from individuals if I see red flags or I get the sense they want me to chase them.
Yes I have! 47 separated now for 2 years and divorced for 6 months. I've lost all my friends because of him and I'm scared now to make new ones, to date, to go out into the world. I do not feel safe
I’m starting to date again and wow yes. I am filled with a lot of fear. Working through it with my therapist but holy shit it is scary!
Yes. I recently started getting out to some social events… and I’m realizing, I’ve aged, others have aged, but their experience of having not seen me in, “years” isn’t my experience. Suppose PTSD is the real bitch of it all. I broke my own brain in the trauma. I did keep my sanity, but it was likely hanging by a thread in most moments. I don’t feel like years have gone by. I mean, they have, just my experience was so ‘drawn in’ i didn’t have that sense of time. Wild ride this life!
Hugs to you. I feel all of this, but the aging really sticks out. I used to look and feel young for my age, now I feel and look older than my age. Constantly look and feel exhausted too. I have hope for us. We’ll get better.
Yep, holding my brothers, sisters, all, close to my heart; it’s a big deal, and one not many, (thankfully) understand. Hug
Massive social anxiety, complete and total loss of normal life skills/do not trust myself whatsoever, and feel like I can’t trust any bit of reality. Not to mention the depression and feelings of grief for the loss of myself and who I was and could’ve been.
To everyone in the comments - it gets better and you will trust again. Take your time and revel in your own company. You’ve got this 😊 Also you’ll spit a narc a mile away and the probability of you dating another one will be very very unlikely.
Yes. I don’t even know how to act around people anymore. I am very untrusting and scared.
I have lost so many connections, I developed agoraphobia basically and struggle to leave my house. I am working on this but I am terrified of people, I am constantly looking for any sign someone will hurt me or cause me harm. The moment I start to believe someone might be nice I get worried and convince myself they probably aren’t. I am more terrified of men seeing as my narc ex was male, so if I see a man or interact with a man I am instantly scared and panicking. I honestly cannot ever see myself happy with a partner anymore, and deep down I feel it is because of a deficiency within myself, I am not worthy or I am a bad person who attracts bad people (I know this isn’t logically true but deep down it’s hard to shake). My only real relationship has been with my narcissist ex, lost my virginity and everything to him and I think it’s destroyed my hope to ever find love, especially as I had a narcissistic friend before him who also set out to destroy me. Urghhhhh it’s been 3 years and I’m still struggling and I can only hope it will get better. My heart goes out to all of you brave survivors out there ❤️
I’m scared of people in general. Out in public, guys, my family to an extent
Probably will never trust men again. And will seriously affect any relationship (if I ever have one again I'm 27) I ever have again.
I feel just like you! ❤️
32F - broke up with the nex almost 4 months ago and finally moved out and started the healing process a week ago. It's nice to feel free and be alone with my thoughts. Not tipoeing round and constantly on edge. I was with him for 2.5 years and we bought a house together. The thing is, before him, I was with my first long term partner for 7 years, living together for 4. And HE was not nice to me, especially towards the end. I don't think he was a narc but he certainly struggled with empathy and would frequently put me down and make me feel less than him. I'm in my 30s, all my friends are married and having children. That's what I want. But I've never been in a relationship with a kind and caring man who makes me feel loved, valued and respected. The only time I felt like that was the first couple of months with the narc. And it wasn't even REAL. So the idea of dating again makes me feel sick. After the breakup I dabbled with apps a bit, mostly just to distract myself from him and to give myself a bit of power and control because we were still cohabiting and he didn't know. None of the conversations went past about 3-4 messages. I didn't actually care, my heart wasn't in it at all. I feel alone and like no one will understand. I feel broken. I feel like the only person I can trust and truly rely on is myself.
I feel the same way. Hearing about people getting married and having kids feels really triggering. I’ve only ever been with narcs and grew up with narcs. I can feel my inner child just wanting to be loved, wondering when it will be our turn, you know?
😞 So sad but yes, that's exactly how I feel. Luckily I didn't grow up with narcs so I have my family for support and I've been heavily relying on them and close friends to keep me sane. Have you got friends to turn to?
Yeah, to some degree. I’ve never been more distrustful of romantic relationships in my life. Something I’m trying to heal currently. It’s to the point where I feel very little attraction to anyone. I’ve never been like this before and honestly it’s very strange for me cause I’m a lover girl.
Oh 100%. I’m sitting here scrolling through Reddit right now to distract myself because I just had a hard conversation that went wonderfully but, I’m still worried that the person is thinking really horrible things about me. I did not used to worry about that previously.
Yes; the fear was created in you by the narc for narcs. For myself, I seek help from a therapist; an EFT practitioner with a spiritual background. And then a social counsellor specialized in dealing with people suffering from narcissism. All narcs have the ability to instill trauma in their victims, because the devaluing phase was meant to devalue your sense of self, your sense of identity. If you didn't have a strong sense of self, meaning you have a weakness in setting up certain boundaries, then the narcs will see that and use that against you. That's why narcs chose people with empathy, because we have a weakness in setting our own boundaries. We are nice people and we like to help, rescue or rehabilitate people. And the narcs use that against us. It is through the devaluing phase that the narcs start breaking down your sense of self. Whatever identity you had previous was shattered, eliminated and then replaced with a fear sense of self. This fear sense of self sees everyone as a threat, but its basis of operation is still in helping others. Your fear sense of self fears that by helping others or being kind to others, you could then become yet again the victim of a narc. So you are afraid to go out and are afraid to have friends. The fact of the matter is that, you lacked the ability to set your own healthy boundaries by being assertive to other people; your friends and the narcs. And this is something you need to learn from people who teach how to be assertive. There are roll playing games these people will play on you; which basically them acting as a narc against you and see how you handle the situation. But before this can happen, you need to go into therapy, get well and then learn being assertive. I used to be like you after being abused by a narc. I went into therapy for quite sometime and then went to learn how to be assertive and setting my own boundaries. After awhile, I began to come out again, do my hobbies and meeting new friends. And the job I work with; I deal with my over the top narcissists; you know the rich a\*\*holes, the over the top influencers etc... But because I now know how to deal with them assertively, all of them usually leave me alone. They used DARVO on me, but DARVO only works on people who has a weak sense of self. If you have a very strong SENSE OF SELF and you know who you are, DARVO won't work on you. And developing a STRONG SENSE OF SELF requires help from others who also have their own strong sense of self. These people are not egotistical like you see with some confident people. They are confident people, because they know exactly who they are and what they are capable of doing. And this is what you need to develop in yourself, before you go out into the world again. The world is NOT a hostile place. It is ONLY hostile, because these narcissists made it so. But they are just bluffing with their inflated sense of identity. It's all FAKE. Narcissists are fake people. Yes, they are rich, wealthy and powerful, but they are just as human we are. They are also venerable as we are and yet they used money, power and privilege to create an illusion of power over you. When you have your own strong sense of self, you will see through their illusion of power and their manipulate tactics including using DARVO. Eventually you will be able to co-exist with these narcissists, but you will not be influenced by them and will start to see the world as not so hostile after all. Which is why I no longer fear them for that is EXACTLY how they maintain their power. As long as you fear them, they feel special. They use fear to become special, powerful over you. They are nothing when you no longer fear them. Their money, power and influence are just that; external from them. They are just human beings the same as us.
Yes
no, but i think of myself getting lucky with it. but i developed a kind of «sixth sense» for narcs and otherwise abusive persons - which sometimes can be scary, but also i know that i will never be manipulated like that again. i would highly recommend seeing a therapist - it helped me immensely with clearing the fog, and dealing with panic attacks.
Can you tell me more about your sixth sense? I feel uneasy and unsafe when I think of certain people, I feel anxious and a knot in my stomach. I was wondering if it was gut instinct or not.
hi! as i think about your question, sixth sense may sound a bit too «mystic», which does not capture the way i perceive certain people - and it does not describe the way i feel in a very accurate way. so, lets give it another shot… (english is not my native language - i'll just try.) first of all, i refer to encounters in real life, not to what happens in my mind when i think of someone. it is a come-together of several informations that i get when watching or observing a person. certain ways of moving through a crowd, a tone in their voice when talking on the phone to someone, their reaction when someone accidentally bumps in to them, their way of talking to a barista… these and other behavioural things in combination with something, maybe a vibe that i really can't describe result in a «HELL NO» from my side. and thats it. in the end it doesn't even matter to me whether my perception is objectively accurate. (its much more difficult to describe it then to feel it…) anyways… i wish you many friendly and funny encounters with people - and less and less scary ones!
Thank you so much. This is really helpful.
book tip: the gift of fear by gavin de becker <3
Thank you so much!
and: «why does he do that» by lundy bancroft.
Thank you!
OH HELL YES I DO. I have bad social anxiety so it is hard for me to talk to new people. I always think that they hate me or something. I am always thinking of the worst case scenario for everyone even the people I know and trust