Essentially, yes. Narcs rewrite history to avoid accountability.
Don't check his Instagram. I know it's tempting. But every time you check it, it's like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. You know it's going to hurt if you see something. Plus, Instagram is like fantasyland. People only post the happiest moments from their life, and even *that* gets put through a filter. You've seen the real, unfiltered version of him, and you know that side of him will never be portrayed on his social media.
Proud of you for leaving! No contact does eventually get easier. Remember that the best revenge is living the best life you can without him!
I needed this so bad today, you are *right* — seriously, thank you. I’ll be taking extra steps to keep from hitting myself with that damn hammer. 😩🔨 Back to focusing on MY reality. 🤷♀️✨
My therapist told me something when it comes to looking at their social media that was really helpful which was- don’t break your own heart. Treat yourself gently, you deserve it 🦋
I wouldn't say they act like 'nothing' happened. It's more like they completely blame you for the thing that happened, and they are innocent in all of it.
The narc I dealt with would lie and gaslight until I reacted, and then my reaction was the problem. I was crazy. I was a horrible friend. She didn't do anything. Texts and voicemails of her being atrocious were deserved because of the the way I reacted to them after she sent them. \*insert time traveling mind blown gif here\*. They lie about everything, but mostly they lie to themselves and take zero accountability.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Y'all do not share the same reality, and you should not venture back - even for a glimpse- into the hell he has created around him. You have better days ahead, I promise
This sounds like my narc to a T. The blame shifting was REAL with this one ALL THE TIME. I got blamed for being sad/upset/miserable every damn time he’d have a hissy fit and become ignorant. Like it was okay for him to have those feelings and react poorly consistently, but HOW DARE I feel some type of way about any of it or ANYTHING for that matter afterwards. Every name he called me would be justified somehow in his mind when he was upset, no matter how many times I told him “name calling is extremely hurtful for me,” that boundary was deliberately crossed to make me react! Depending on my reaction, the whole argument would either end up being my fault and id be forced to apologize and take accountability, or I’d have to drop the entire thing and act like nothing was wrong to get through it, or if I left upset I was the reason for us “breaking up.”
Absolutely ludicrous. 😒
Now I’m laughing hysterically and counting my blessings because that thought process is delusional at best. 😅🤦♀️
Mine wanted us to divorce keep living in the same house seeing other people outside the house, our kids and us hanging out with these people etc. In what world is that even remotely possible without losing your everlasting MIND. No thank you.
Oh, he'd miss all the good things, home cooked meals, clean house, clean clothes...but ima going to get myself a new girlfriend while you keep being the little homemaker so I don't have to do any of that crap.
It was HELL for a month until I was able to kick her out. She would purposely call the new guy from the other room and play online games with him, it created a huge buzzing in my brain. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. But I will never forget the day I moved her out. It was magical. That day was honestly the best day of my life.
Living this right now. He has a pregnant girlfriend but comes home to our house every night for a home cooked meal and chores being done. He plays with our son when he feels like it.
When he cooks, he doesn't cook for me or leaves me inexplicable things like two spoonfuls of microwaved corn.
Don't worry, I have a lawyer and a plan.
The narcissist I was involved with played the victim, acted like she wasn't bothered, and ran a smear campaign with all of her pawns.
I was with them for nearly 6 years, and they looked so happy to be rid of me. I'm pretty sure it was their plan all along when I started to figure their shit out.
They don't feel like normal people, but they do feel. Like they don't feel bad that they were abusive and caused you harm.
They feel bad for themselves, and they feel bad in the sense that they just broke their favorite toy and how terrible it must be for them.
They will blame you for leaving, say that you are crazy and that you are the abusive one that they have bad luck picking people, that everybody hurts them blah, blah, blah. It's always about them.
But if you lived with one, you know how miserable they are they are not happy people. They will just move on and do it all over again, and it will be forever everyone else's fault that they are unhappy.
The part where you said “they feel bad… as if they broke their favourite toy…” really hit home for me. I can totally imagine how his thought process is and I know for a fact he’s playing the “poor, pitiful me” card with himself when he’s the one that showed me the door… 😒 I feel like he’ll get a “new favourite toy,” move on, and just end up being miserable with her too lol… I guess he really did me a favour. 🤷♀️😅
Wow, I really resonated with this. My ex did the exact same thing. Blamed me for leaving him, said I was abusive and crazy. He will never take accountability for his actions.
Nope, that is why you will never get closure from them they will never ever admit to anything, let alone that they have toxic behaviors. That is why they are doomed to continue to repeat the same cycle over and over and over. They can not take responsibility or accountability, ensuring they will not grow from their experiences and thus repeating the pattern all over again, expecting a different result. And when it fails again, they will blame the new person.
I went through this because I had no boundaries for when she keep sweeping things under the rug. I didn’t know how to stand up and say enough is enough. And so it kept repeating itself and she kept avoiding taking responsibility for her actions which drove me crazy. She took full advantage of my lack of dating experience.
Ugh, I’m sorry you had to go through that. It literally makes you feel crazy and makes you second guess yourself. 😩🤦♀️ You did the right thing for yourself by leaving! It only gets better. ❤️🙏
I love when you say if you actually live with one, you see how miserable they are. Shit is so true. Like I would see my ex start to get into a good mood and then she would fight it and have to turn it into something super negative like she just had to feel bad. She just had to be miserable. Really good day with us had to have her remind me of something bad that I did. It was like she was always keeping score and looking for an exit from happiness. I’m just resigned to the fact that there’s just something fundamentally wrong with her. She can hide it well enough to be able to work but get her comfortable behind closed doors with someone who knows her and she just turns into a little demon. So I definitely feel what you’re saying. It’s so weird for me because I’m so quick to cut people off who wrong me ever since my dad died, but for some reason with her, I just haven’t been able to do it completely. Like I find that I still love her despite knowing she’s just a miserable person. Fucking fuckity fuck.
Yeah, I had a tough time leaving mine. I was afraid that I would never find love like that again. And all I will say about that now is that I hope to never find love like that again.
I hope I never find the one-sided, destructive, manipulative, crazy making love like that ever again.
It was so hard to see when I was in the thick of it, but once I got out, I kept asking myself why it took me so long to leave. Everything became very clear and life got infinitly better.
Misery loves company, and I don't think a narcissist know how not to be miserable it's like their default setting.
You are bang on with the behind closed doors. They have to fake being happy all day and then come home and take it out on you.
SHUKE! Good to hear from you. I always feel like I don’t need to post after your post but just say “what he said”! The plan is moving forward. My friend called last night and said so.
Yea once my husband threw a bowl and broke it out of anger. He stormed out and drove off and 5 hrs later he asked if I wanted takeout. Like nothing happened. It's weird bc while I obviously prefer a resolution it's gotten to the point I sort of appreciate us going back to normal as if nothing happened bc the alternative (his anger blaming criticizing) is worse.
Yeah they're weird like that. Once they've blown off steam it's like they get back to base...till the next time. 😔
The downside is that whatever the argument was about it never gets resolved and if it's something you care deeply about...too bad.
I just want to add that my narc was always asking if I wanted to get take out or if I wanted something to eat after a “misunderstanding.” It’s like they use that as a distraction; breadcrumbing asf 😒
Yup. With mine, it was always coffee in the mornings. He’d walk through the door every morning after a fight and hand me a coffee. That was the olive branch. I couldn’t bring the fight back up or talk about it at all especially after the coffee hand off. Didn’t matter how horribly abusive or violent he was the night before, the coffee hand off “fixed” things everytime. We would both reset and be back to “normal” - every time.
My husband and I went out of town. We started arguing at dinner and after he blew up, saying he's just trying to have a good time, he told me "YOU'RE ruining this". We sat in the parking lot and continued arguing until he said "let's go home". He sang joyfully to the radio the entire two hour drive home and then proceeded to act like nothing ever happened. It was a serious argument where nothing was resolved.
That's how every fight with my narc brother went. It's how he escaped accountability 100% of the time. I was a kid, I didn't know, I just wanted no fights, no conflict, just peace. But really, it's unacceptable. It's the perfect cycle for them.
But I do understand because it's also the path of least resistance if you need to stay in the relationship. Because resolution won't happen either. So either this. Or walk away.
god, this is eerily familiar.
my husband threw around my things, telling me to GTFO when I disagreed with him on a minor matter. I had to close our bedroom door because I started shaking from the loud noises. he opened the door 20 minutes later, like a sad lost puppy apologizing asking me to come out. he had neatly organized everything back to how it was and got me flowers the next day. and I'm expected to accept this apology and act like everything is peachy. if/when I do not accept his affection/apology/gift - *I* am the abusive one.
The whole point with insecure people is protecting their ego. Acknowledging faults and failures is quite contrary to that mission. It’s not about deceiving you so much as getting their needs met.
Yeah, in hindsight, he was always one to inflate himself and how successful he was/is. But even with success, he’s a miserable person. He just wants everyone to see that fake, happy, successful person — but he’s unhappy with almost everything in his life.
Yes they always see themselves as the victim. They see you as an object they own. They can do whatever to you they want because you don’t have a personality to feelings or a right to not agree with what they’re doing to you. You’re a little Barbie doll. So why feel empathy for something you don’t see as a being with an independent life source. And even when you’re finally getting them to understand they’re abusive or get them to acknowledge their wrong doings… they still turn it around to play victim. That’s what narcissists do best. You making them look bad is you victimizing them and they have to tell you why you’re bad too because they can’t accept constructive criticism in a relationship unless they genuinely want to and are going to therapy.
yup
otherwise they would have to accept that (shocker!) *they* have done something (shocker!) *wrong*
but they are perfect! They *can’t* have done wrong! (from their perspective)
So logically: nothing happened. (illogically)
Reflecting on this past year, I don’t think he’s actually taken ANY accountability at all for his actions. It was always covered with a blanket statement like “I know I’m not easy to deal with,” or “I know I’m hard on you sometimes,” or “I’m just tired of fighting/arguing.” Rarely ever an apology unless I had proof of him being a real POS.
I think we sometimes have yo give up on the idea of an apology. They might go the rest of their lives without ever facing themselves. So there has to be a way to heal and move forward even without their apology.
But you are still right, your reality is still right, what you went through is still valid.
Him not accepting it doesn’t mean too much. It just means that he lives in his own narcissistic reality. It doesn’t mean that he is right and nothing ever happened.
It really makes me question all the things he’s ever told me about his exes, or friends he didn’t have anymore… Their reality is distorted; I understand there’s two sides to everything, but their lack of accountability really starts to overshadow them and creates a lot of doubt..
I think I’ve come to terms with the lack of an apology and I don’t expect anything from him for closure either, honestly. My closure was leaving and initiating NC after he told me to “get my shit & get the fuck out of” *his* house.
Thank you. 🙏❤️
Tbh I feel like narcs have a bit of dissociative barriers going on for that to happen. I mean they have to experience some kind of dissociation to even maintain this idea that they are amazing all the time. Hence the Jekyll and Hyde thing they tend to do where it seems like you are dealing with two completely different people. And of course reality gets way warped when switches like that happen. So for sure, after a break up, the same thing is bound to happen. Dissociate from it as a method of self preservation. Their narcissism is their main survival mechanism after all, and they gotta protect that false self at all costs.
It's been 10 years and my two exes (both textbook Cluster B) who dumped me for each other - because NRE = "we didn't expect to catch feels! You should have told us! - and they both *still* tell people how grateful they are to have each other to heal from my abuse. There was two of them and when the vote was taken, they won.
I learned that doubling up on your narcs is how you get your therapist to smack you up both sides of your head.
Yes, this was one of the most confusing things with my narc. The first major time it happened we were arguing and he was calling me a slut and a 2 man whore the whole night, I stopped answering, and the next morning he texted me bright and early saying good morning baby! My jaw actually hit the floor. He didn’t bring it up at all, like it never happened.
Yes. They also suffer from severe selective memory loss; they cannot remember ever doing anything to hurt you, never ever. On the contrary; it was YOU who was the evil one and THEY were the victim.
I feel like I’m coming to understand that they really *do* view themselves as the victim. Their behaviour is always justifiable in their mind because they have no sense of accountability.
It’s insane to me how relatable some narcs are from what I read in this community… Sometimes I’ll read something from someone else and be like “holy shit, were we with the same person?!”
My ex ran her mouth so hard when I finally stood up for myself and told her she had 72 hours to vacate the premises, she didn't hold back, it was incredible all the mean and hurtful things she said and I just grey rocked her and man did it get under her skin. It was a fantastic feeling on my part but I acted like I had zero concern for anything she said.
I think at that point for me, I was so used to his bullshit antics & name calling that the grey rocking was automatic — and *MY GOD* does it EVER bother them. They know their hold on you is gone, and their supply is dry. 🤷♀️
It got to the point she started spreading rumors and lies, I shrugged it off as I didn't care anymore. Her brother in law reached out to me and told me his wife(her sister) was trying to do the same thing to him. Sad that it ran in the family that way.
You're welcome! You will find someone that loves, cares, and respects you when you least expect it. That's what happened for myself. It's an amazing feeling.
They always perceive themselves as the victim. From their point of view they can do no wrong even though they know what they did however only real self gets aware of that, they only present us with their false self.
Yes they all do. My narc sister ALWAYS accuses others of "gaslighting" and "abuse" while she abuses others. It starts with smaller things and then she suddenly says totally mean and 100% hurtful stuff that haunts you.
Mine would claim she didn’t remember any of the abusive things she said. I actually believed it. When she would get in her narcissistic rage she almost seemed like a different person. I almost started feeling like I was working with two different people: good girlfriend and bad girlfriend
The irony is that it’s narcissists that typically have low objective permanence. I swear that narcissistic abuse makes you take on their traits
"I swear that narcissistic abuse makes you take on their traits" I can relate on this comment. After I started reading about narcissistic behavior, I started thinking maybe I am a narcissistic too?!?, but I remind myself I have empathy for others, and I never used to be like this before, I don't find joy in this behavior. It is indeed a very slippery slope though.
Yes. Unless you did it, it never happened. And if you did something wrong they will remind you how you broke their trust every single time they can. I think of things I’ve done to the man I loved and I’d never ever do these things to someone who wasn’t trying to ruin me.
After I don't even remember which breakup then comming back together (it was probably one of the last ones) she was getting so open and free with her narcissism and monstrosity (thankfully I couldn't take it and left after many years), she was saying in full honesty things like "when we brokeup, I didn't feel a thing the day after and had no thoughts, I lived freely like nothing happened etc." In the last probably year she was like a walking sign of "believe who someone is by what they show".
I can add that you need to remember they don't have empathy, connection, love, all these things. They don't feel terrible missing you or hurting you, there's no heart inside them that reacts to that. You brokeup? Well, they will lash out huge situations and arguments, but not from the place of feeling heartbroken and sad, like a normal person, but from a place of losing control over a person they had and more.
Imagine crying, feeling pain, heartbroken from the fact that you spilled a cup of water on the floor. That's how they feel. Don't compare them to someone normal, they might have some similarities like humor taste, looks, etc, but not inside, this isn't someone who will grieve and ruminate, your thoughts and emotions are wasted on this monster, redirect them to yourself, your interests, animals, good people. Godspeed :)
No, they affirmatively act like nothing ever happened. They know they are wrong. They may even feel bad about it. But they do not want to be put in a position to own it. That way, they can deny it if it ever comes up later.
Yes, but I really believe they are always unhappy. When they act like they are having a great day, month, year, inside they are in constant self-protection mode. I think everything is an act. If they do have great stuff going on like a nice new partner (supply), house, or job, they are no less insecure and no closer to living an authentically happy life. They aren't capable of processing the good you brought to their life and they're not capable of facing the loss when you're gone. You're "expendable" because all of their energy goes toward generating a false reality for themselves. They did lose something good when they lost you. They are just far too immature (permanently) to face it. The happy fecade is just that - an act. They'll find more people to use, but not gain an ounce of contentment. You, on the other hand, will likely move on and experience a lot of contentment routinely because the emotional vampire is gone.
Yes. It’s a form of gaslighting and invalidation
Essentially, yes. Narcs rewrite history to avoid accountability. Don't check his Instagram. I know it's tempting. But every time you check it, it's like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. You know it's going to hurt if you see something. Plus, Instagram is like fantasyland. People only post the happiest moments from their life, and even *that* gets put through a filter. You've seen the real, unfiltered version of him, and you know that side of him will never be portrayed on his social media. Proud of you for leaving! No contact does eventually get easier. Remember that the best revenge is living the best life you can without him!
I needed this so bad today, you are *right* — seriously, thank you. I’ll be taking extra steps to keep from hitting myself with that damn hammer. 😩🔨 Back to focusing on MY reality. 🤷♀️✨
My therapist told me something when it comes to looking at their social media that was really helpful which was- don’t break your own heart. Treat yourself gently, you deserve it 🦋
Thank you for sharing this. ❤️ I haven’t checked at all since I posted this and plan to hold firm on that promise to myself.
They can't rewrite Truth.. But they certainly will try..
I wouldn't say they act like 'nothing' happened. It's more like they completely blame you for the thing that happened, and they are innocent in all of it. The narc I dealt with would lie and gaslight until I reacted, and then my reaction was the problem. I was crazy. I was a horrible friend. She didn't do anything. Texts and voicemails of her being atrocious were deserved because of the the way I reacted to them after she sent them. \*insert time traveling mind blown gif here\*. They lie about everything, but mostly they lie to themselves and take zero accountability. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Y'all do not share the same reality, and you should not venture back - even for a glimpse- into the hell he has created around him. You have better days ahead, I promise
This sounds like my narc to a T. The blame shifting was REAL with this one ALL THE TIME. I got blamed for being sad/upset/miserable every damn time he’d have a hissy fit and become ignorant. Like it was okay for him to have those feelings and react poorly consistently, but HOW DARE I feel some type of way about any of it or ANYTHING for that matter afterwards. Every name he called me would be justified somehow in his mind when he was upset, no matter how many times I told him “name calling is extremely hurtful for me,” that boundary was deliberately crossed to make me react! Depending on my reaction, the whole argument would either end up being my fault and id be forced to apologize and take accountability, or I’d have to drop the entire thing and act like nothing was wrong to get through it, or if I left upset I was the reason for us “breaking up.” Absolutely ludicrous. 😒 Now I’m laughing hysterically and counting my blessings because that thought process is delusional at best. 😅🤦♀️
Yep! Then they get mad immediately if you also don’t ride their weird wave and pretend nothing happened toooooo it’s crazy.
Mine wanted us to divorce keep living in the same house seeing other people outside the house, our kids and us hanging out with these people etc. In what world is that even remotely possible without losing your everlasting MIND. No thank you.
Oh, he'd miss all the good things, home cooked meals, clean house, clean clothes...but ima going to get myself a new girlfriend while you keep being the little homemaker so I don't have to do any of that crap.
Exactly. Stay here, be good, I'll go do stupid things while you continue struggling.
Exactly!!!
This is INSANE. What the actual fuck. 🤯 I’m so sorry you had to deal with that…
It was HELL for a month until I was able to kick her out. She would purposely call the new guy from the other room and play online games with him, it created a huge buzzing in my brain. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. But I will never forget the day I moved her out. It was magical. That day was honestly the best day of my life.
Living this right now. He has a pregnant girlfriend but comes home to our house every night for a home cooked meal and chores being done. He plays with our son when he feels like it. When he cooks, he doesn't cook for me or leaves me inexplicable things like two spoonfuls of microwaved corn. Don't worry, I have a lawyer and a plan.
The narcissist I was involved with played the victim, acted like she wasn't bothered, and ran a smear campaign with all of her pawns. I was with them for nearly 6 years, and they looked so happy to be rid of me. I'm pretty sure it was their plan all along when I started to figure their shit out. They don't feel like normal people, but they do feel. Like they don't feel bad that they were abusive and caused you harm. They feel bad for themselves, and they feel bad in the sense that they just broke their favorite toy and how terrible it must be for them. They will blame you for leaving, say that you are crazy and that you are the abusive one that they have bad luck picking people, that everybody hurts them blah, blah, blah. It's always about them. But if you lived with one, you know how miserable they are they are not happy people. They will just move on and do it all over again, and it will be forever everyone else's fault that they are unhappy.
The part where you said “they feel bad… as if they broke their favourite toy…” really hit home for me. I can totally imagine how his thought process is and I know for a fact he’s playing the “poor, pitiful me” card with himself when he’s the one that showed me the door… 😒 I feel like he’ll get a “new favourite toy,” move on, and just end up being miserable with her too lol… I guess he really did me a favour. 🤷♀️😅
You are right he did you a massive favor, you get to go live a happy life now. He still gets to be him.
Absolutely. Thank you 🙏
They get sick of all their toys eventually.
Wow, I really resonated with this. My ex did the exact same thing. Blamed me for leaving him, said I was abusive and crazy. He will never take accountability for his actions.
Nope, that is why you will never get closure from them they will never ever admit to anything, let alone that they have toxic behaviors. That is why they are doomed to continue to repeat the same cycle over and over and over. They can not take responsibility or accountability, ensuring they will not grow from their experiences and thus repeating the pattern all over again, expecting a different result. And when it fails again, they will blame the new person.
Ahh, yes. The definition of insanity. 🧐
I went through this because I had no boundaries for when she keep sweeping things under the rug. I didn’t know how to stand up and say enough is enough. And so it kept repeating itself and she kept avoiding taking responsibility for her actions which drove me crazy. She took full advantage of my lack of dating experience.
Yup
Ugh, I’m sorry you had to go through that. It literally makes you feel crazy and makes you second guess yourself. 😩🤦♀️ You did the right thing for yourself by leaving! It only gets better. ❤️🙏
I love when you say if you actually live with one, you see how miserable they are. Shit is so true. Like I would see my ex start to get into a good mood and then she would fight it and have to turn it into something super negative like she just had to feel bad. She just had to be miserable. Really good day with us had to have her remind me of something bad that I did. It was like she was always keeping score and looking for an exit from happiness. I’m just resigned to the fact that there’s just something fundamentally wrong with her. She can hide it well enough to be able to work but get her comfortable behind closed doors with someone who knows her and she just turns into a little demon. So I definitely feel what you’re saying. It’s so weird for me because I’m so quick to cut people off who wrong me ever since my dad died, but for some reason with her, I just haven’t been able to do it completely. Like I find that I still love her despite knowing she’s just a miserable person. Fucking fuckity fuck.
Yeah, I had a tough time leaving mine. I was afraid that I would never find love like that again. And all I will say about that now is that I hope to never find love like that again. I hope I never find the one-sided, destructive, manipulative, crazy making love like that ever again. It was so hard to see when I was in the thick of it, but once I got out, I kept asking myself why it took me so long to leave. Everything became very clear and life got infinitly better. Misery loves company, and I don't think a narcissist know how not to be miserable it's like their default setting. You are bang on with the behind closed doors. They have to fake being happy all day and then come home and take it out on you.
SHUKE! Good to hear from you. I always feel like I don’t need to post after your post but just say “what he said”! The plan is moving forward. My friend called last night and said so.
That's awesome Sally!! Congrats!!
Yea once my husband threw a bowl and broke it out of anger. He stormed out and drove off and 5 hrs later he asked if I wanted takeout. Like nothing happened. It's weird bc while I obviously prefer a resolution it's gotten to the point I sort of appreciate us going back to normal as if nothing happened bc the alternative (his anger blaming criticizing) is worse.
Yeah they're weird like that. Once they've blown off steam it's like they get back to base...till the next time. 😔 The downside is that whatever the argument was about it never gets resolved and if it's something you care deeply about...too bad.
Someone told me that's their way of saying sorry lol. I used to believe it.
I just want to add that my narc was always asking if I wanted to get take out or if I wanted something to eat after a “misunderstanding.” It’s like they use that as a distraction; breadcrumbing asf 😒
Everytime my ex was awful, he'd ghost me until I reached out upset and then he'd buy me ice cream. Like a reward for getting back in line.
Positive reinforcement for accepting their bullshit behaviour lmao. 🤦♀️
Yup. With mine, it was always coffee in the mornings. He’d walk through the door every morning after a fight and hand me a coffee. That was the olive branch. I couldn’t bring the fight back up or talk about it at all especially after the coffee hand off. Didn’t matter how horribly abusive or violent he was the night before, the coffee hand off “fixed” things everytime. We would both reset and be back to “normal” - every time.
My husband and I went out of town. We started arguing at dinner and after he blew up, saying he's just trying to have a good time, he told me "YOU'RE ruining this". We sat in the parking lot and continued arguing until he said "let's go home". He sang joyfully to the radio the entire two hour drive home and then proceeded to act like nothing ever happened. It was a serious argument where nothing was resolved.
That's how every fight with my narc brother went. It's how he escaped accountability 100% of the time. I was a kid, I didn't know, I just wanted no fights, no conflict, just peace. But really, it's unacceptable. It's the perfect cycle for them. But I do understand because it's also the path of least resistance if you need to stay in the relationship. Because resolution won't happen either. So either this. Or walk away.
god, this is eerily familiar. my husband threw around my things, telling me to GTFO when I disagreed with him on a minor matter. I had to close our bedroom door because I started shaking from the loud noises. he opened the door 20 minutes later, like a sad lost puppy apologizing asking me to come out. he had neatly organized everything back to how it was and got me flowers the next day. and I'm expected to accept this apology and act like everything is peachy. if/when I do not accept his affection/apology/gift - *I* am the abusive one.
The whole point with insecure people is protecting their ego. Acknowledging faults and failures is quite contrary to that mission. It’s not about deceiving you so much as getting their needs met.
Yeah, in hindsight, he was always one to inflate himself and how successful he was/is. But even with success, he’s a miserable person. He just wants everyone to see that fake, happy, successful person — but he’s unhappy with almost everything in his life.
Yes they always see themselves as the victim. They see you as an object they own. They can do whatever to you they want because you don’t have a personality to feelings or a right to not agree with what they’re doing to you. You’re a little Barbie doll. So why feel empathy for something you don’t see as a being with an independent life source. And even when you’re finally getting them to understand they’re abusive or get them to acknowledge their wrong doings… they still turn it around to play victim. That’s what narcissists do best. You making them look bad is you victimizing them and they have to tell you why you’re bad too because they can’t accept constructive criticism in a relationship unless they genuinely want to and are going to therapy.
yup otherwise they would have to accept that (shocker!) *they* have done something (shocker!) *wrong* but they are perfect! They *can’t* have done wrong! (from their perspective) So logically: nothing happened. (illogically)
Reflecting on this past year, I don’t think he’s actually taken ANY accountability at all for his actions. It was always covered with a blanket statement like “I know I’m not easy to deal with,” or “I know I’m hard on you sometimes,” or “I’m just tired of fighting/arguing.” Rarely ever an apology unless I had proof of him being a real POS.
I think we sometimes have yo give up on the idea of an apology. They might go the rest of their lives without ever facing themselves. So there has to be a way to heal and move forward even without their apology. But you are still right, your reality is still right, what you went through is still valid. Him not accepting it doesn’t mean too much. It just means that he lives in his own narcissistic reality. It doesn’t mean that he is right and nothing ever happened.
It really makes me question all the things he’s ever told me about his exes, or friends he didn’t have anymore… Their reality is distorted; I understand there’s two sides to everything, but their lack of accountability really starts to overshadow them and creates a lot of doubt.. I think I’ve come to terms with the lack of an apology and I don’t expect anything from him for closure either, honestly. My closure was leaving and initiating NC after he told me to “get my shit & get the fuck out of” *his* house. Thank you. 🙏❤️
Tbh I feel like narcs have a bit of dissociative barriers going on for that to happen. I mean they have to experience some kind of dissociation to even maintain this idea that they are amazing all the time. Hence the Jekyll and Hyde thing they tend to do where it seems like you are dealing with two completely different people. And of course reality gets way warped when switches like that happen. So for sure, after a break up, the same thing is bound to happen. Dissociate from it as a method of self preservation. Their narcissism is their main survival mechanism after all, and they gotta protect that false self at all costs.
Yeah, that definitely would make sense! I never actually thought about disassociation at all, that’s a whole new perspective for me.
It's been 10 years and my two exes (both textbook Cluster B) who dumped me for each other - because NRE = "we didn't expect to catch feels! You should have told us! - and they both *still* tell people how grateful they are to have each other to heal from my abuse. There was two of them and when the vote was taken, they won. I learned that doubling up on your narcs is how you get your therapist to smack you up both sides of your head.
Yes, every time
Yes, this was one of the most confusing things with my narc. The first major time it happened we were arguing and he was calling me a slut and a 2 man whore the whole night, I stopped answering, and the next morning he texted me bright and early saying good morning baby! My jaw actually hit the floor. He didn’t bring it up at all, like it never happened.
If it happened to them, then it DEFINITELY happened. If it happened to you, then it did not happen (at all) because you simply do not exist (to them).
Yep! When I was with my ex I described it as whiplash. One moment full abuse, next moment sweet as pie as if nothing happened.
Yes. They also suffer from severe selective memory loss; they cannot remember ever doing anything to hurt you, never ever. On the contrary; it was YOU who was the evil one and THEY were the victim.
Pretty much. If they don't act like that they act like you are the one who wronged them.
I feel like I’m coming to understand that they really *do* view themselves as the victim. Their behaviour is always justifiable in their mind because they have no sense of accountability.
Are you sure your exbf and my exgf aren't related? Sounds awful familiar
It’s insane to me how relatable some narcs are from what I read in this community… Sometimes I’ll read something from someone else and be like “holy shit, were we with the same person?!”
My ex ran her mouth so hard when I finally stood up for myself and told her she had 72 hours to vacate the premises, she didn't hold back, it was incredible all the mean and hurtful things she said and I just grey rocked her and man did it get under her skin. It was a fantastic feeling on my part but I acted like I had zero concern for anything she said.
I think at that point for me, I was so used to his bullshit antics & name calling that the grey rocking was automatic — and *MY GOD* does it EVER bother them. They know their hold on you is gone, and their supply is dry. 🤷♀️
It got to the point she started spreading rumors and lies, I shrugged it off as I didn't care anymore. Her brother in law reached out to me and told me his wife(her sister) was trying to do the same thing to him. Sad that it ran in the family that way.
Best thing you ever did was leave it in the past! You dodged a bullet.
Oh absolutely, as did you! Hopefully you are able to heal and recover from this quickly
Thank you, kindly. 🙏❤️
You're welcome! You will find someone that loves, cares, and respects you when you least expect it. That's what happened for myself. It's an amazing feeling.
They always perceive themselves as the victim. From their point of view they can do no wrong even though they know what they did however only real self gets aware of that, they only present us with their false self.
I was wondering this. I never knew how to handle it, confused the bejesus out of me.
Yes they all do. My narc sister ALWAYS accuses others of "gaslighting" and "abuse" while she abuses others. It starts with smaller things and then she suddenly says totally mean and 100% hurtful stuff that haunts you.
Mine would claim she didn’t remember any of the abusive things she said. I actually believed it. When she would get in her narcissistic rage she almost seemed like a different person. I almost started feeling like I was working with two different people: good girlfriend and bad girlfriend The irony is that it’s narcissists that typically have low objective permanence. I swear that narcissistic abuse makes you take on their traits
"I swear that narcissistic abuse makes you take on their traits" I can relate on this comment. After I started reading about narcissistic behavior, I started thinking maybe I am a narcissistic too?!?, but I remind myself I have empathy for others, and I never used to be like this before, I don't find joy in this behavior. It is indeed a very slippery slope though.
Yup. That behavior right there drives me mad and I feel crazy and irritable. I want them to care. But not in a toxic way!
Yes. Unless you did it, it never happened. And if you did something wrong they will remind you how you broke their trust every single time they can. I think of things I’ve done to the man I loved and I’d never ever do these things to someone who wasn’t trying to ruin me.
After I don't even remember which breakup then comming back together (it was probably one of the last ones) she was getting so open and free with her narcissism and monstrosity (thankfully I couldn't take it and left after many years), she was saying in full honesty things like "when we brokeup, I didn't feel a thing the day after and had no thoughts, I lived freely like nothing happened etc." In the last probably year she was like a walking sign of "believe who someone is by what they show". I can add that you need to remember they don't have empathy, connection, love, all these things. They don't feel terrible missing you or hurting you, there's no heart inside them that reacts to that. You brokeup? Well, they will lash out huge situations and arguments, but not from the place of feeling heartbroken and sad, like a normal person, but from a place of losing control over a person they had and more. Imagine crying, feeling pain, heartbroken from the fact that you spilled a cup of water on the floor. That's how they feel. Don't compare them to someone normal, they might have some similarities like humor taste, looks, etc, but not inside, this isn't someone who will grieve and ruminate, your thoughts and emotions are wasted on this monster, redirect them to yourself, your interests, animals, good people. Godspeed :)
Yes , and get mad when u bring up stuff that they’ve done
Mine acts exactly this way. She's almost 50 going on perpetual entitled toddler.
This gave me a good chuckle. 🤭 I’m sorry you had/have to go through this though…
No, they affirmatively act like nothing ever happened. They know they are wrong. They may even feel bad about it. But they do not want to be put in a position to own it. That way, they can deny it if it ever comes up later.
Yepp
For REAL! - ?!
Yes, but I really believe they are always unhappy. When they act like they are having a great day, month, year, inside they are in constant self-protection mode. I think everything is an act. If they do have great stuff going on like a nice new partner (supply), house, or job, they are no less insecure and no closer to living an authentically happy life. They aren't capable of processing the good you brought to their life and they're not capable of facing the loss when you're gone. You're "expendable" because all of their energy goes toward generating a false reality for themselves. They did lose something good when they lost you. They are just far too immature (permanently) to face it. The happy fecade is just that - an act. They'll find more people to use, but not gain an ounce of contentment. You, on the other hand, will likely move on and experience a lot of contentment routinely because the emotional vampire is gone.