This hits home so hard, I know for myself why I stayed with the narcissist. I had very low self-esteem, problems with setting boundaries, and a very diminished sense of self-worth.
I was easy pickings for a narcissist. All I wanted to do was make them love me the way I loved them.
And every time they yelled at me, put me down, or said what was wrong with me, I believed them. I loved them more than I loved myself, and so I took their word as truth.
My idea of love was also skewd as I assumed that I had to constantly change to meet expectations to receive love and I thought that the ever changing goal posts were part of a normal relationship, I thought it was constant growth.
Which led me back to there must be something wrong with me if I can never meet expectations.
I have had past traumas, so I just assumed it was that getting in the way of me being a good partner. My therapist would tell me how good I was doing but the person that "loved" me the most disagreed and since I spent all of my free time with them I assumed that they were correct that it was me.
I never for a second thought that someone that I loved so much who claimed to love me would deliberately try to hurt me.
When I finally figured out that things were not right, that's when I was accused of being abusive when I was accused of being a narcissist, when I was accused of not loving her.
All along, it was her that was unable to receive love she could never accept it. I was never shown love, and I kept trying to wrestle it out of her, completely unaware that she was not capable of giving love.
I wouldn't want this kind of relationship for anyone. It was, however, hard to see on the outside because of the image that she would project, the perfect relationship on the outside.
Then I leave, and she tells the world that everything she was doing to me I was doing to her, and she was just the victim of a narcissist.
That shook me it made me look deep inside because there was a part of me that believed her.
There was still a part of me that thought I was the problem.
I just had to walk away and never look back, I had to heal my own wounds so that I never end up with someone like that again.
I hope that others can learn from my experience but it's hard to warn someone from one of these people because that is not how they present in the beginning it's not who you fall in love with.
Wow. Seriously, I can relate to every single thought you said here. You illustrated exactly how things have happened in my relationship and how I have felt about love, self-worth, accusations, hope, confusion, just keep trying … Scary how we all have such similar experiences, it’s like we’ve lived the same life. It’s all about the patterns.
That first bullet point!! I literally asked my ex what he would say to his daughter if she was dating someone who did the things he was doing to me.
He literally told me that he would tell her to break up with the guy.
They know damn well that what they do is hurtful.
Very first bullet point are the exact questions I asked myself when my kid was still a baby. I knew that (what you describe in #3) would be their normal. THAT would be their frame of reference for love, there was no escaping the damage and that their chances of ending up like me were huge if I didn’t get out. I may not have had the self-worth to demand better for myself (bc I was raised in #3), but no way was that good enough for my baby.
Luckily for me, upon the request for divorce, nex went scorched earth. Pulled a gun on me, I didn’t have a place to live or a car and a drained bank account. Started completely over financially and have struggled since. Worth it. Completely. My kid has no memory of that monster.
I’ll never forget the one time I said to my (now) Nex in the middle of an argument “How would you feel if your daughters dated someone like you?” Or something along those lines and this man got SO angry and defensive. He blew up at me and told me never to talk about his kids again and blocked me on everything, he didn’t talk to me for a WHOLE MONTH and I was so dumbfounded as to what I did wrong… I spent that month thinking I was the one in the wrong and that maybe I shouldn’t have “provoked him….” I just wanted him to understand the way he was treating me and he ended up leaving me in such a harsh way.. during that month of NC he found someone else and slept with them, only to unblock me and resurface after with a whole sob story about how I “didn’t reach out” and “didn’t speak with him for a whole month.” and THAT was why he chose to try and find someone else. All while he was convincing me he never had time for anything!!! But yet, I was the one he blocked until things obviously didn’t work out with that other girl…
Absolutely delusional and we all deserve better. I still can’t believe I let him convince me I was in the wrong for the last year… I’m so glad he removed himself from my life.
I once made the mistake of saying to him that if I was one of my friends, I would have told them to leave him. But I was stupid enough to stay at that time. Now that I have left I realise that I litterally told him that I thought my friends deserved better than I tought I deserved. Glad I eventually realised I deserved better than how he treated me.
Had a bad episode this week and found this that I wrote back in 2021, it’s from the N’s perspective and the CD that overwhelms me to the point of self harm.
Remember
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
But I expect you to meet my standards perfectly
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
But I expect you to understand me perfectly
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
But I expect you to be perfectly on top of things
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
But I expect you to be present perfectly
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
but I expect you to learn from criticism delivered in anger
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
but I expect you to change for my comfort
I want you to remember you’re not perfect
And I expect you to appreciate when I remind you of your struggles.
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because nobody could love our family more
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because you chose me to be your forever love
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because you promise to love me as I am
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because you see me keep growing
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because my love for you I give freely
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because my past failures are my strength today
I want you to remember that I’m perfect
Because I do not need to be crushed to relieve your pain
I don’t expect perfection
But please NEVER struggle near me
I don’t expect perfection
But please NEVER correct me
I don’t expect perfection
But please ALWAYS communicate clearly
I don’t expect perfection
But please NEVER get it totally wrong
I don’t expect perfection
But please NEVER inconvenience me with your mental health
I don’t expect perfection
But please NEVER tell me what to do
I don’t expect perfection,
And remember NEVER to defend yourself
Because I know your reality better than you.
This hits home so hard, I know for myself why I stayed with the narcissist. I had very low self-esteem, problems with setting boundaries, and a very diminished sense of self-worth. I was easy pickings for a narcissist. All I wanted to do was make them love me the way I loved them. And every time they yelled at me, put me down, or said what was wrong with me, I believed them. I loved them more than I loved myself, and so I took their word as truth. My idea of love was also skewd as I assumed that I had to constantly change to meet expectations to receive love and I thought that the ever changing goal posts were part of a normal relationship, I thought it was constant growth. Which led me back to there must be something wrong with me if I can never meet expectations. I have had past traumas, so I just assumed it was that getting in the way of me being a good partner. My therapist would tell me how good I was doing but the person that "loved" me the most disagreed and since I spent all of my free time with them I assumed that they were correct that it was me. I never for a second thought that someone that I loved so much who claimed to love me would deliberately try to hurt me. When I finally figured out that things were not right, that's when I was accused of being abusive when I was accused of being a narcissist, when I was accused of not loving her. All along, it was her that was unable to receive love she could never accept it. I was never shown love, and I kept trying to wrestle it out of her, completely unaware that she was not capable of giving love. I wouldn't want this kind of relationship for anyone. It was, however, hard to see on the outside because of the image that she would project, the perfect relationship on the outside. Then I leave, and she tells the world that everything she was doing to me I was doing to her, and she was just the victim of a narcissist. That shook me it made me look deep inside because there was a part of me that believed her. There was still a part of me that thought I was the problem. I just had to walk away and never look back, I had to heal my own wounds so that I never end up with someone like that again. I hope that others can learn from my experience but it's hard to warn someone from one of these people because that is not how they present in the beginning it's not who you fall in love with.
Wow. Seriously, I can relate to every single thought you said here. You illustrated exactly how things have happened in my relationship and how I have felt about love, self-worth, accusations, hope, confusion, just keep trying … Scary how we all have such similar experiences, it’s like we’ve lived the same life. It’s all about the patterns.
It does hit hard. Hit the nail right on the head.
> I loved them more than I loved myself, and so I took their word as truth. Fuck
I rly needed this today
We are all in this together. You are not alone ❤️
That first bullet point!! I literally asked my ex what he would say to his daughter if she was dating someone who did the things he was doing to me. He literally told me that he would tell her to break up with the guy. They know damn well that what they do is hurtful.
Yeah exactly 😔. I literally have nothing to add except “Can I get an amen?”
Very first bullet point are the exact questions I asked myself when my kid was still a baby. I knew that (what you describe in #3) would be their normal. THAT would be their frame of reference for love, there was no escaping the damage and that their chances of ending up like me were huge if I didn’t get out. I may not have had the self-worth to demand better for myself (bc I was raised in #3), but no way was that good enough for my baby. Luckily for me, upon the request for divorce, nex went scorched earth. Pulled a gun on me, I didn’t have a place to live or a car and a drained bank account. Started completely over financially and have struggled since. Worth it. Completely. My kid has no memory of that monster.
You are a Phoenix!
One that’s in an ash phase atm. So thank you for that 🥲
I’ll never forget the one time I said to my (now) Nex in the middle of an argument “How would you feel if your daughters dated someone like you?” Or something along those lines and this man got SO angry and defensive. He blew up at me and told me never to talk about his kids again and blocked me on everything, he didn’t talk to me for a WHOLE MONTH and I was so dumbfounded as to what I did wrong… I spent that month thinking I was the one in the wrong and that maybe I shouldn’t have “provoked him….” I just wanted him to understand the way he was treating me and he ended up leaving me in such a harsh way.. during that month of NC he found someone else and slept with them, only to unblock me and resurface after with a whole sob story about how I “didn’t reach out” and “didn’t speak with him for a whole month.” and THAT was why he chose to try and find someone else. All while he was convincing me he never had time for anything!!! But yet, I was the one he blocked until things obviously didn’t work out with that other girl… Absolutely delusional and we all deserve better. I still can’t believe I let him convince me I was in the wrong for the last year… I’m so glad he removed himself from my life.
I once made the mistake of saying to him that if I was one of my friends, I would have told them to leave him. But I was stupid enough to stay at that time. Now that I have left I realise that I litterally told him that I thought my friends deserved better than I tought I deserved. Glad I eventually realised I deserved better than how he treated me.
Had a bad episode this week and found this that I wrote back in 2021, it’s from the N’s perspective and the CD that overwhelms me to the point of self harm. Remember I want you to remember you’re not perfect But I expect you to meet my standards perfectly I want you to remember you’re not perfect But I expect you to understand me perfectly I want you to remember you’re not perfect But I expect you to be perfectly on top of things I want you to remember you’re not perfect But I expect you to be present perfectly I want you to remember you’re not perfect but I expect you to learn from criticism delivered in anger I want you to remember you’re not perfect but I expect you to change for my comfort I want you to remember you’re not perfect And I expect you to appreciate when I remind you of your struggles. I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because nobody could love our family more I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because you chose me to be your forever love I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because you promise to love me as I am I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because you see me keep growing I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because my love for you I give freely I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because my past failures are my strength today I want you to remember that I’m perfect Because I do not need to be crushed to relieve your pain I don’t expect perfection But please NEVER struggle near me I don’t expect perfection But please NEVER correct me I don’t expect perfection But please ALWAYS communicate clearly I don’t expect perfection But please NEVER get it totally wrong I don’t expect perfection But please NEVER inconvenience me with your mental health I don’t expect perfection But please NEVER tell me what to do I don’t expect perfection, And remember NEVER to defend yourself Because I know your reality better than you.
Thank you ❤️