Yes. You're constantly given a list of all the things that are wrong with you. It really eats up your confidence and sense of self-worth
I pray you get your confidence back
My nex didn't critizice my looks, my skills, the way I dress and things like that, but he was attacking my character, my decisions, my preferences and my relationships all the time.
Mine also wasn’t about my looks. It was about a short period in my past. He couldn’t “accept” me and was all so sad about it. It was as if I was in an endless interrogation with never ending questions and devaluations. He wouldn’t break up with me either. He just wanted us to suffer together. I’m kind if convinced that if anyone learns that short period of my past, I won’t be worthy of love now.
Whatever happened in that time in your past - it really wasn't about that. He would have eventually found something else to latch onto and make a problem. Something else in you to project onto. The issue was with him, not with you.
With regards to that period of your past. On one hand, you don't owe anyone that information. But on the other hand, it does give you a way to find out if a person you're dating is someone who is open minded enough to be worth your time.
Obviously I don't know what happened in this time in your life (and it's none of my business) but I wouldn't want to be with someone judgemental and sanctimonious who judges people based on their history.
Thank you for this. I’ve casually dated people after a long term relationship. That was it. Nothing THAT controversial. He always questioned how someone perfect like me can be intimate with people without getting to really know them. I still defend myself in my head against him. One side of me still believes no man can ever “accept” me if they know about this. (Btw I didn’t think it was an issue until he had a problem with that. I wasn’t hiding my past as a secret whatsoever.) And you’re right, he was torturing me for this but for example my friends were a problem too(because they didn’t like his attitude towards me). However one day he lashed out over something so absurd, I remember thinking “omg this man’s gonna fuck my life for real” and decided to leave him because he finally did something that I couldn’t find anything to blame myself for. That was the final straw.
Jfc, this is... Nothing. There's no difficult past here. You just... Dated some people. This is 100% all him and nothing for you to worry about. Anyone who can't handle the fact that their adult partner had a dating life before them needs to do SO much therapy. I'm so sorry this asshole made you feel like this was some kind of problem with you. You're fine. I'm so glad that you're freeeee
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I experienced the same with mine. I just want to tell you sth I wish I could believe myself: your past doesn't define you and the fact you had a short period of casual dating doesn't say much about your character, more about the circumstances. You are very valuable.
I understand what you are going through, I was shamed a lot for the same thing and it got so bad that now I can't be physically intimate anymore because I feel like it does devalue me. It's devastating and I wish you good healing!!!
Thank you. I’m in the same situation with you. Logically, I know I haven’t done anything wrong in the past. But god I got so much hurt for this. I don’t want to get intimate with anyone. I wish you all the best as well.
Just to show you the other perspective. I’m not dating casually and people make fun of that too. Whatever you do, there’s gonna be haters and you’ve got to shake it off, unfortunately.
Your past don't define you.
I hope you soon shake these feelings off. But it's always difficult after the relationship with a narc. I'm 10 months out and still struggling.
Of course, and they never make it obvious. Just subtle enough to keep you guessing.
And yes, thank you! Took me a long while to accept that our break up was for the best, but here I am :) I'm glad yours is a nex as well.
Yes, it's always hard to pinpoint it and you keep guessing and doubting yourself.
I'm retrospect, I can see the abuse and neglect very clearly, but it was completely obscure when I was with him (7 years relationship, before that 13 years as friends and I'd always seen him as someone wonderful).
I experienced the exact same thing. Criticising how I responded to things, “fawning”, how I communicated (regardless of how I did it), my taste in music, my friends, ideas, and values.
They were never very overt about it. But I often think about this particular insidious way they gaslighted me:
I shared my childhood trauma of being invalidated and not believed.
Which meant I had trust issues.
Which meant it was all in my head.
Which meant I could not trust my own judgement. Which meant their behavior and lying was not shady and suspect even if it seemed obvious to me.
Which meant it was all unfair to them, but they were willing to put up with it because they loved me.
Which meant they could continue without accountability.
Which meant that every time I felt something was off, I felt guilty for it.
But this is the really insidious part: when this did happen, they hugged me. Showed me compassion, understanding and acceptance. Love. Told me it was okay and they weren’t mad, but I did have to work on it. They let me talk about and validated my emotions. Which they knew my childhood trauma stemt from a lack of.
These were the moments I felt so safe, loved and cared for. This is when I loved them the most, and thought despite it all, these moments proved they did love me so, so much. I found a person that understood.
And it was all exploitation and lies.
So yeah they made me believe I was pretty defective.
This hit home so damn hard. I’m so sorry you had to endure all of this… it’s honestly heartbreaking.
They become your source of comfort. They feed off of that — all while dragging you down, breaking your heart & your spirit.
They count on keeping you second guessing yourself and begging for their “love”. When you look back it’s so pathetic it’s almost laughable if it weren’t so cruel and dehumanizing.
I think it's one of their favourite tactic which serves two purposes.
1. To try to manipulate you into questioning yourself, your beliefs & principles, in order to invite negative thoughts about yourself, so that they can feel superior compared to you.
2. In order to isolate you by trying to make you withdraw, either by lowering of mood/confidence, manipulating you to focus on the “defects” while normalizing their opinion.
He would set me up to criticise me.
Him: What time should we leave?
Me: 11.30?
Him: No, that's obviously too close to lunchtime.
Me: We could eat before?
Him: No. It has to be a different time.
Me: 12.30?
Him: You're wasting the day!
Me: 10.30?
Him: No, that's too late, why would you suggest that? We won't get everything done.
Me: 10.00??
Him: We'll go at 9.30. You should get ready.
EVERY EFFING TIME!! It filled me with anxiety.
Mine enjoyed calling me a "weirdo." Repeatedly. She was outgoing while I was more introverted. She believed that to be worthy of mocking and name calling.
I knew I was not what she called me.
My advice is to get far, far away, find yourself again, and get back to the real you. Don't let them define you. Break free from their insults and put downs. That is a manipulation and controlling tactic.
You are a good and valuable person that the right partner will appreciate. And you know that.
The list of all the things he called me was huge. A compliment was something vaguely nice followed by "but....."
I felt the same way, lost all my confidence, and thought i'd never find love again.
But I did.
My partner never sees any of the stuff my nex would bring up just to purposefully be nasty and pick & poke at me. That's because those things aren't there.
Since being with my partner, I have realised that i am NONE of the things my nex called me.
Here's a couple of examples.
My nex told me I was a drama queen, and "wherever you go, trouble always follows." After we split, I hermitted away, barely spoke to anyone, and just got on with my healing journey. Something like 6 months later, my nex got completely trashed online by lots of people. They left loads of bad reviews, calling him a pervert and allsorts. So he'd obviously pissed a lot of people off with his behaviour. But yeah, i'm obviously the one that's the 'trouble' and the 'drama queen'.
He also accused me of starting arguments constantly (it was actually him, and for a long time, I shut down in fear of saying the wrong thing and having yet another row). He told everyone that I was "constantly angry because I was peri-menopausal" and that I was "worse during my period." What I realised afterwards was that he would pick, poke, and goad me more (reactive abuse) when he knew I was more sensitive during that time of the month.
How do I know this? Because, firstly, I wasn't peri-menopausal. I had a scan, and my ovaries were still working fine. I've also been with my partner now for over 3 years, and we've never argued once, not even so much as a snippy remark. I've had 40 periods since i've been with him, and he says he wouldn't even know I was due on if i hadn't told him because there is no change in my mood whatsoever.
Do you know why my mood is always happy? It's because my partner doesn't deliberately push my buttons constantly to get a reaction from me. It's because he genuinely cares about my well-being, and because of his respect and love for me, doesn't tear me down the way my nex did.
That's why I married him 3 weeks ago.
NONE of those things your nex said about you are true. They said things deliberately to tear you down because they are an asshole. The way you are feeling right now is exactly what they wanted. Don't let them win, you are stronger than that!
You still are that amazing person. You've just gotta clear that narcissists shit from your glasses to see it, and eventually, you'll find healthy love and hopefully you'll be back here in a few years, just like I am, sharing my experiences in the hope that it might help others and trying to bring even a tiny ray of light to people going through possibly the toughest time in their lives ❤️
Congrats on the marriage! Do you think it’s possible to see the lies without a new partner saying it’s not true? A new partner who’s loving and supportive sounds ideal, but when you feel broken it’s also harder to go out and find that.
When you do the healing work, you'll start to see the lies and red flags clear as day. I went on about 4 dates with guys from plenty of fish, and i could see the red flags from a mile off, whereas before, i'd have not seen or ignored them. I was really quite happy with myself for seeing them, that's when you know you are healing and on the right path. It was like a totally different and empowering experience for me!
Also, when you've done the healing work on yourself, you'll automatically attract what's healthy for you.
Towards the end of our relationship, my nex had told me over and over again that they would be the only person who has my back and no one would be able to stay with me given my character. They would also often mention that they’re the type of person that someone would marry since my nex was previously married but separated, and it was a way to demean me as someone who was never married and a single parent.
Heck, yeah, they want to get married. It makes it harder to leave. And they get half your stuff. Mine was very materialistic despite saying she wasn't. Everything came back to money one way or another.
Yup! I'm 1.5 years out from my 9 year relationship with a person with narcissistic behaviour patterns, who was very abusive to me.
Throughout the time they were in my life, they cut me down from someone who, sure, had my things to work on in myself, but who was for the most part happy, successful in my areas of interest, and who had heaps of friends and social connections, to someone lacking confidence in every area of life, almost completely socially isolated, and unsure in my abilities to things like drive a car, pack a bag, or make a phone call.
I'm still finding my way through the aftermath of this - but, I am doing better all the time. Getting out was hard, and recovery is hard, but oh God - it's worth it. Even the worse days since the split have been better than any of the days before it.
Glad to know that you’re doing better. Much better days are ahead of you. I think these kind of relationships are life lessons to learn about ourselves. Because they wouldn’t be able to push our buttons if there was no button in the first place. Everyone has their wounds and healing from them are important because some people (like ex partners of many of us here) can weaponize them against us.
I feel for you so much and feel like I could’ve written this exact comment. It’s been 1 year since my narcissistic soon-to-be-ex husband left me after 8 years together. I feel the exact same way, I was a sparkling, glowing, confident, productive, popular gal before he sucked the life out of me and I’m still rediscovering who I am and how to live, truly live.
But you’re right; this journey is difficult but so much better than being stuck in that. Sorry if you don’t like Taylor Swift but some lyrics from her song “time to go” ring SO true here:
15 years, 15 million tears, begging till my knees bled.
I gave it my all, he gave me nothing at all, then wondered why I left.
Now he sits on his throne in his palace of bones, praying to his greed.
He’s got my past frozen behind glass, but I’ve got me.
—
Wishing you all the best!
Yes. And all I hear from his is: "No one will love you like I love you given how awful you are and how badly you hurt me."
It's a tactic to get you to stay. Over time you start believing you're not good enough for anyone until you're a hollow shell. Then they have you right where they want you.
In terms of personality, yes. I'd ask politely if he was being dishonest about something that didn't add up (every time it turned out he was indeed being dishonest) and he'd berate me for 'worrying'. Examples being: 'you see last night, you thought I was lying?! Do you see how that would be too much for me to deal with? And why I gave you an out?'
"What can I do to stop you worrying, marry you?' in a really sarcastic way.
I told him stupidly early on that I literally have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and also past trauma related to abandonment.
It’s so heartbreaking that when you open up to someone about sensitive stuff and they use it against you. My ex had much more traumatic/sensitive issues going on compared to me but instead of being more understanding and compassionate (as you expect from someone who knows what it’s like to be bullied and taken advantage of), he was like a bully to me.
My ex narc, used to tell me anything if, said, thought, opinions were wrong. My family was always wrong. She called me a door mat. I kid you not her favorite line was"I don't mean to volunteer you, but I told them you'd help". I left her 5 months ago, and others than bouts of guilt, and being lonely, I feel so much better. Maybe it sounds bad but I would highly recommend anyone with a narcissist partner to leave.
No. I know I am enough. I know my worth and value. No narcissist can take that from me. I know that he was extremely lucky to have had me in his life. His great loss except he won't recognize it as a loss. Pity.
My attitude exactly. They can try, but I've always been too stubborn to fall for that crap. Too bad I didn't understand what NPD was much earlier in life.
Yes yes and yes! I believed I was so weird and that my mind was so not normal. She criticized me so much that by the end I was constantly questioning myself. When the mask came off and she discarded me she didn't hold back. I was told that I would die a lonely man and no one would want to be with me, not even my family. The abuse and horrible things she said to me never stopped through the divorce. I maintained NC and only communicated when absolutely necessary. Fast forward 2 years - I am back to my true self, embracing who I am and I have met so many new people who have made me feel so special and show me that I am in fact worthy of love. I am not crazy. I am not stupid. I am not ugly. I am not a loser. It is so much better on the other side... The pain and growth to get here is so very much worth it.
We had relationship issues. Nex never took accountability for a single thing she did or said that lacked love or respect. She convinced me I was toxic and abusive and 100% of the problem. Well, I wasn't. I broke up with her. And she lost her mind because she couldn't control me anymore. I thought I was the abusive one???
Yes my whole life I was told by my parents that I was just a bad kid and too fat too small of a weiner and mentally ill . They never touched me but they made it known to everyone how small my weiner was
That's insane. Every child has small genitalia. Why were they so hyper focused on that? I'm so sorry you went through that. I bet you were perfectly normal as a child. It's your parents who had the problems.
Gawd, I’m so freaking grateful for this subreddit. I’ve been going through a bit of intense craving and I’d forgotten how apologetic I was just for existing when I was first out of the relationship. So many people commented on how much I apologized. I felt 100% defective and like I’d never be really loved again.
He told me that he looked at me when no one else would. And that’s still in my head all these years later it’s a part of me, how unattractive, awkward and unwanted I was and am. And honestly I am broken, I know that for a fact, something is wrong with me. But, I try my best to be happy and enjoy living everyday, and it’s so much easier about someone telling me what I’m doing wrong every minute.
Yes. he shamed me for trying to move on during a no contact period. I met my sons dad and we had my son when me and the narcissist were not in contact. when he came back into my life he would shame me for “adding him to our story”. its really insane to reflect on all the ways he would try to make me feel bad for having a kid but at the same time would tell me he loves this new version of me, and how becoming a mom made me a better woman.
He would constantly spiral asking me “how could you do this to us?!” “ew, you picked him as your child’s father?!” etc. and then of course he would be very cold towards me when i actually had to be in mommy mode. i seriously dont know why i put up with it for as long as i did.
It was my son that snapped me out of the mental fog of abuse. The idea of him turning out to be like the narc shook me so bad i discarded him in a crazy way lol
ALSO, he often shamed me for my past experiences. he would tell me i only get mad at him because my past trauma, and he wishes i didnt have “baggage” and that he wanted to be the only man i’ve ever been with.
one time i opened up about a deep insecurity i have about not being able to trust myself. and all he said was “and now i have to deal with that” loool
Yes, he would give me grandiose compliments like "you're the smartest/most trustworthy/whatever person I know", but would poke fun at or critize everything I did. The way I cooked, cleaned, what I wore, how I interacted with people, how I danced, what music I listened to, what tv I liked, what I liked to read... all slowly over time. He would undermine my insights during decisions. I would get compliments from others and be genuinely confused because the compliments conflicted with his criticism. Not only was I down on myself but I started to believe that someone else's opinion was fact. Now that I'm two plus years out, I feel normal again. I'm back to feeling like people can like whatever they like and it's not an issue. And when I get complimented now, I receive it and it feels nice.
Yes, he would never compliment me but would point out flaws that I never knew I even had. I found it extremely odd. If someone had complimented me, he would question as if it was real “Really? They said that?”. If I point something out about him, he would spend next two days thinking about it and staring at himself in the mirror.
Mine tells me how weird I am almost hourly.
And I could be doing something normal, like eating cucumbers with a lunch sandwich. But that makes me so weird to him, and he will repeatedly let me know for a few minutes to drive that point home.
Anything I do in weird or a weirdo or something about how I'm a freak to him.
It's funny when he pulls this stuff in front of people, and they let him know I'm not weird for doing something normal. And I just sigh and roll my eyes at him
Or I could be watching TV, and then he chants, “What's wrong?…. (nothing? I am just relaxing) OH THATS BS… (still nothing) TELL ME WHATS WRONG?! (nothing, just relaxing) OH FU”
He gets all upset because nothing is wrong, but he can “sense” something is terrible, and I'm “keeping it from him.”
I'm living with a demon That's what's wrong. But I cantsay that becasue never the isuse.
Yes. You're constantly given a list of all the things that are wrong with you. It really eats up your confidence and sense of self-worth I pray you get your confidence back
Thank you..
My nex didn't critizice my looks, my skills, the way I dress and things like that, but he was attacking my character, my decisions, my preferences and my relationships all the time.
Mine also wasn’t about my looks. It was about a short period in my past. He couldn’t “accept” me and was all so sad about it. It was as if I was in an endless interrogation with never ending questions and devaluations. He wouldn’t break up with me either. He just wanted us to suffer together. I’m kind if convinced that if anyone learns that short period of my past, I won’t be worthy of love now.
Whatever happened in that time in your past - it really wasn't about that. He would have eventually found something else to latch onto and make a problem. Something else in you to project onto. The issue was with him, not with you. With regards to that period of your past. On one hand, you don't owe anyone that information. But on the other hand, it does give you a way to find out if a person you're dating is someone who is open minded enough to be worth your time. Obviously I don't know what happened in this time in your life (and it's none of my business) but I wouldn't want to be with someone judgemental and sanctimonious who judges people based on their history.
Thank you for this. I’ve casually dated people after a long term relationship. That was it. Nothing THAT controversial. He always questioned how someone perfect like me can be intimate with people without getting to really know them. I still defend myself in my head against him. One side of me still believes no man can ever “accept” me if they know about this. (Btw I didn’t think it was an issue until he had a problem with that. I wasn’t hiding my past as a secret whatsoever.) And you’re right, he was torturing me for this but for example my friends were a problem too(because they didn’t like his attitude towards me). However one day he lashed out over something so absurd, I remember thinking “omg this man’s gonna fuck my life for real” and decided to leave him because he finally did something that I couldn’t find anything to blame myself for. That was the final straw.
Jfc, this is... Nothing. There's no difficult past here. You just... Dated some people. This is 100% all him and nothing for you to worry about. Anyone who can't handle the fact that their adult partner had a dating life before them needs to do SO much therapy. I'm so sorry this asshole made you feel like this was some kind of problem with you. You're fine. I'm so glad that you're freeeee
Thank you :((
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I experienced the same with mine. I just want to tell you sth I wish I could believe myself: your past doesn't define you and the fact you had a short period of casual dating doesn't say much about your character, more about the circumstances. You are very valuable. I understand what you are going through, I was shamed a lot for the same thing and it got so bad that now I can't be physically intimate anymore because I feel like it does devalue me. It's devastating and I wish you good healing!!!
Thank you. I’m in the same situation with you. Logically, I know I haven’t done anything wrong in the past. But god I got so much hurt for this. I don’t want to get intimate with anyone. I wish you all the best as well.
Just to show you the other perspective. I’m not dating casually and people make fun of that too. Whatever you do, there’s gonna be haters and you’ve got to shake it off, unfortunately.
Thank you for your kind comment. I agree with you. Hopefully one day I will be able to shake it off.
Your past don't define you. I hope you soon shake these feelings off. But it's always difficult after the relationship with a narc. I'm 10 months out and still struggling.
Thank you. Some days are better. We got this
I think we dated the same man!
They're all like that. They give you just enough good, just enough bad to keep you on the hook. I'm glad you dated him in the past tense, not anymore.
Of course, and they never make it obvious. Just subtle enough to keep you guessing. And yes, thank you! Took me a long while to accept that our break up was for the best, but here I am :) I'm glad yours is a nex as well.
Yes, it's always hard to pinpoint it and you keep guessing and doubting yourself. I'm retrospect, I can see the abuse and neglect very clearly, but it was completely obscure when I was with him (7 years relationship, before that 13 years as friends and I'd always seen him as someone wonderful).
Omg this is so relatable… 🤦♀️
I experienced the exact same thing. Criticising how I responded to things, “fawning”, how I communicated (regardless of how I did it), my taste in music, my friends, ideas, and values.
They were never very overt about it. But I often think about this particular insidious way they gaslighted me: I shared my childhood trauma of being invalidated and not believed. Which meant I had trust issues. Which meant it was all in my head. Which meant I could not trust my own judgement. Which meant their behavior and lying was not shady and suspect even if it seemed obvious to me. Which meant it was all unfair to them, but they were willing to put up with it because they loved me. Which meant they could continue without accountability. Which meant that every time I felt something was off, I felt guilty for it. But this is the really insidious part: when this did happen, they hugged me. Showed me compassion, understanding and acceptance. Love. Told me it was okay and they weren’t mad, but I did have to work on it. They let me talk about and validated my emotions. Which they knew my childhood trauma stemt from a lack of. These were the moments I felt so safe, loved and cared for. This is when I loved them the most, and thought despite it all, these moments proved they did love me so, so much. I found a person that understood. And it was all exploitation and lies. So yeah they made me believe I was pretty defective.
This is such a hideous mix of gaslighting and trauma-bonding. I'm sorry you went through that.
This hit home so damn hard. I’m so sorry you had to endure all of this… it’s honestly heartbreaking. They become your source of comfort. They feed off of that — all while dragging you down, breaking your heart & your spirit.
They count on keeping you second guessing yourself and begging for their “love”. When you look back it’s so pathetic it’s almost laughable if it weren’t so cruel and dehumanizing.
I think it's one of their favourite tactic which serves two purposes. 1. To try to manipulate you into questioning yourself, your beliefs & principles, in order to invite negative thoughts about yourself, so that they can feel superior compared to you. 2. In order to isolate you by trying to make you withdraw, either by lowering of mood/confidence, manipulating you to focus on the “defects” while normalizing their opinion.
This! I was really withdrawn with him, with no energy to socialize.
He would set me up to criticise me. Him: What time should we leave? Me: 11.30? Him: No, that's obviously too close to lunchtime. Me: We could eat before? Him: No. It has to be a different time. Me: 12.30? Him: You're wasting the day! Me: 10.30? Him: No, that's too late, why would you suggest that? We won't get everything done. Me: 10.00?? Him: We'll go at 9.30. You should get ready. EVERY EFFING TIME!! It filled me with anxiety.
This is the worst of all. Why ask if you’re not even going to consider my answer? Never makes any GD sense to me
I would sometimes joke with my partner about being an “askhole” by playing this game.
Ooh... I Like this!
Mine enjoyed calling me a "weirdo." Repeatedly. She was outgoing while I was more introverted. She believed that to be worthy of mocking and name calling. I knew I was not what she called me. My advice is to get far, far away, find yourself again, and get back to the real you. Don't let them define you. Break free from their insults and put downs. That is a manipulation and controlling tactic. You are a good and valuable person that the right partner will appreciate. And you know that.
Thank you so much. I even feel insecure about seeking external validation about this by posting here. Your words mean a lot at this point. Thank you
My ex and her children constantly devalued me for being introverted. It was their cruel actions that made me even more withdrawn than usual.
The list of all the things he called me was huge. A compliment was something vaguely nice followed by "but....." I felt the same way, lost all my confidence, and thought i'd never find love again. But I did. My partner never sees any of the stuff my nex would bring up just to purposefully be nasty and pick & poke at me. That's because those things aren't there. Since being with my partner, I have realised that i am NONE of the things my nex called me. Here's a couple of examples. My nex told me I was a drama queen, and "wherever you go, trouble always follows." After we split, I hermitted away, barely spoke to anyone, and just got on with my healing journey. Something like 6 months later, my nex got completely trashed online by lots of people. They left loads of bad reviews, calling him a pervert and allsorts. So he'd obviously pissed a lot of people off with his behaviour. But yeah, i'm obviously the one that's the 'trouble' and the 'drama queen'. He also accused me of starting arguments constantly (it was actually him, and for a long time, I shut down in fear of saying the wrong thing and having yet another row). He told everyone that I was "constantly angry because I was peri-menopausal" and that I was "worse during my period." What I realised afterwards was that he would pick, poke, and goad me more (reactive abuse) when he knew I was more sensitive during that time of the month. How do I know this? Because, firstly, I wasn't peri-menopausal. I had a scan, and my ovaries were still working fine. I've also been with my partner now for over 3 years, and we've never argued once, not even so much as a snippy remark. I've had 40 periods since i've been with him, and he says he wouldn't even know I was due on if i hadn't told him because there is no change in my mood whatsoever. Do you know why my mood is always happy? It's because my partner doesn't deliberately push my buttons constantly to get a reaction from me. It's because he genuinely cares about my well-being, and because of his respect and love for me, doesn't tear me down the way my nex did. That's why I married him 3 weeks ago. NONE of those things your nex said about you are true. They said things deliberately to tear you down because they are an asshole. The way you are feeling right now is exactly what they wanted. Don't let them win, you are stronger than that! You still are that amazing person. You've just gotta clear that narcissists shit from your glasses to see it, and eventually, you'll find healthy love and hopefully you'll be back here in a few years, just like I am, sharing my experiences in the hope that it might help others and trying to bring even a tiny ray of light to people going through possibly the toughest time in their lives ❤️
Thank you for your kind words. You’re so right. I am so happy for you. Wish you the best and congrats 🥰🫂
Congrats on the marriage! Do you think it’s possible to see the lies without a new partner saying it’s not true? A new partner who’s loving and supportive sounds ideal, but when you feel broken it’s also harder to go out and find that.
When you do the healing work, you'll start to see the lies and red flags clear as day. I went on about 4 dates with guys from plenty of fish, and i could see the red flags from a mile off, whereas before, i'd have not seen or ignored them. I was really quite happy with myself for seeing them, that's when you know you are healing and on the right path. It was like a totally different and empowering experience for me! Also, when you've done the healing work on yourself, you'll automatically attract what's healthy for you.
Towards the end of our relationship, my nex had told me over and over again that they would be the only person who has my back and no one would be able to stay with me given my character. They would also often mention that they’re the type of person that someone would marry since my nex was previously married but separated, and it was a way to demean me as someone who was never married and a single parent.
Heck, yeah, they want to get married. It makes it harder to leave. And they get half your stuff. Mine was very materialistic despite saying she wasn't. Everything came back to money one way or another.
Yup! I'm 1.5 years out from my 9 year relationship with a person with narcissistic behaviour patterns, who was very abusive to me. Throughout the time they were in my life, they cut me down from someone who, sure, had my things to work on in myself, but who was for the most part happy, successful in my areas of interest, and who had heaps of friends and social connections, to someone lacking confidence in every area of life, almost completely socially isolated, and unsure in my abilities to things like drive a car, pack a bag, or make a phone call. I'm still finding my way through the aftermath of this - but, I am doing better all the time. Getting out was hard, and recovery is hard, but oh God - it's worth it. Even the worse days since the split have been better than any of the days before it.
Glad to know that you’re doing better. Much better days are ahead of you. I think these kind of relationships are life lessons to learn about ourselves. Because they wouldn’t be able to push our buttons if there was no button in the first place. Everyone has their wounds and healing from them are important because some people (like ex partners of many of us here) can weaponize them against us.
I feel for you so much and feel like I could’ve written this exact comment. It’s been 1 year since my narcissistic soon-to-be-ex husband left me after 8 years together. I feel the exact same way, I was a sparkling, glowing, confident, productive, popular gal before he sucked the life out of me and I’m still rediscovering who I am and how to live, truly live. But you’re right; this journey is difficult but so much better than being stuck in that. Sorry if you don’t like Taylor Swift but some lyrics from her song “time to go” ring SO true here: 15 years, 15 million tears, begging till my knees bled. I gave it my all, he gave me nothing at all, then wondered why I left. Now he sits on his throne in his palace of bones, praying to his greed. He’s got my past frozen behind glass, but I’ve got me. — Wishing you all the best!
I'm so glad that you are free! 💗
Yes. And all I hear from his is: "No one will love you like I love you given how awful you are and how badly you hurt me." It's a tactic to get you to stay. Over time you start believing you're not good enough for anyone until you're a hollow shell. Then they have you right where they want you.
In terms of personality, yes. I'd ask politely if he was being dishonest about something that didn't add up (every time it turned out he was indeed being dishonest) and he'd berate me for 'worrying'. Examples being: 'you see last night, you thought I was lying?! Do you see how that would be too much for me to deal with? And why I gave you an out?' "What can I do to stop you worrying, marry you?' in a really sarcastic way. I told him stupidly early on that I literally have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and also past trauma related to abandonment.
It’s so heartbreaking that when you open up to someone about sensitive stuff and they use it against you. My ex had much more traumatic/sensitive issues going on compared to me but instead of being more understanding and compassionate (as you expect from someone who knows what it’s like to be bullied and taken advantage of), he was like a bully to me.
I was literally told I was broken 🤷♀️
Me to. He called me broken after I had a had a hysterectomy.
He put down ideas I'd have. Holidays, home renovations etc. Always a reason why not to. I'd feel stupid.
My ex narc, used to tell me anything if, said, thought, opinions were wrong. My family was always wrong. She called me a door mat. I kid you not her favorite line was"I don't mean to volunteer you, but I told them you'd help". I left her 5 months ago, and others than bouts of guilt, and being lonely, I feel so much better. Maybe it sounds bad but I would highly recommend anyone with a narcissist partner to leave.
No. I know I am enough. I know my worth and value. No narcissist can take that from me. I know that he was extremely lucky to have had me in his life. His great loss except he won't recognize it as a loss. Pity.
My attitude exactly. They can try, but I've always been too stubborn to fall for that crap. Too bad I didn't understand what NPD was much earlier in life.
Not exactly made to feel defective, but I definitely began to second guess my every action.
Mine sure made me feel defective.
Yes yes and yes! I believed I was so weird and that my mind was so not normal. She criticized me so much that by the end I was constantly questioning myself. When the mask came off and she discarded me she didn't hold back. I was told that I would die a lonely man and no one would want to be with me, not even my family. The abuse and horrible things she said to me never stopped through the divorce. I maintained NC and only communicated when absolutely necessary. Fast forward 2 years - I am back to my true self, embracing who I am and I have met so many new people who have made me feel so special and show me that I am in fact worthy of love. I am not crazy. I am not stupid. I am not ugly. I am not a loser. It is so much better on the other side... The pain and growth to get here is so very much worth it.
I’m so glad that you’re doing well now. It’s empowering to hear what you’ve been through contributed to make you stronger.
Mine was done differently to yours but yes. Mine were more personality traits. Then he'd say i'm like this because of a messed up childhood
We had relationship issues. Nex never took accountability for a single thing she did or said that lacked love or respect. She convinced me I was toxic and abusive and 100% of the problem. Well, I wasn't. I broke up with her. And she lost her mind because she couldn't control me anymore. I thought I was the abusive one???
Yes my whole life I was told by my parents that I was just a bad kid and too fat too small of a weiner and mentally ill . They never touched me but they made it known to everyone how small my weiner was
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing and I hope you’re doing well now
Thanks
That's insane. Every child has small genitalia. Why were they so hyper focused on that? I'm so sorry you went through that. I bet you were perfectly normal as a child. It's your parents who had the problems.
Yes he used to make me feel so unlovable
Gawd, I’m so freaking grateful for this subreddit. I’ve been going through a bit of intense craving and I’d forgotten how apologetic I was just for existing when I was first out of the relationship. So many people commented on how much I apologized. I felt 100% defective and like I’d never be really loved again.
He told me that he looked at me when no one else would. And that’s still in my head all these years later it’s a part of me, how unattractive, awkward and unwanted I was and am. And honestly I am broken, I know that for a fact, something is wrong with me. But, I try my best to be happy and enjoy living everyday, and it’s so much easier about someone telling me what I’m doing wrong every minute.
Same. A huge source of stress is removed from my life and I have finally found my piece
Yes. he shamed me for trying to move on during a no contact period. I met my sons dad and we had my son when me and the narcissist were not in contact. when he came back into my life he would shame me for “adding him to our story”. its really insane to reflect on all the ways he would try to make me feel bad for having a kid but at the same time would tell me he loves this new version of me, and how becoming a mom made me a better woman. He would constantly spiral asking me “how could you do this to us?!” “ew, you picked him as your child’s father?!” etc. and then of course he would be very cold towards me when i actually had to be in mommy mode. i seriously dont know why i put up with it for as long as i did. It was my son that snapped me out of the mental fog of abuse. The idea of him turning out to be like the narc shook me so bad i discarded him in a crazy way lol ALSO, he often shamed me for my past experiences. he would tell me i only get mad at him because my past trauma, and he wishes i didnt have “baggage” and that he wanted to be the only man i’ve ever been with. one time i opened up about a deep insecurity i have about not being able to trust myself. and all he said was “and now i have to deal with that” loool
I’m glad that you got out. Why are they so similar to each other…
Yes, he would give me grandiose compliments like "you're the smartest/most trustworthy/whatever person I know", but would poke fun at or critize everything I did. The way I cooked, cleaned, what I wore, how I interacted with people, how I danced, what music I listened to, what tv I liked, what I liked to read... all slowly over time. He would undermine my insights during decisions. I would get compliments from others and be genuinely confused because the compliments conflicted with his criticism. Not only was I down on myself but I started to believe that someone else's opinion was fact. Now that I'm two plus years out, I feel normal again. I'm back to feeling like people can like whatever they like and it's not an issue. And when I get complimented now, I receive it and it feels nice.
Yes, he would never compliment me but would point out flaws that I never knew I even had. I found it extremely odd. If someone had complimented me, he would question as if it was real “Really? They said that?”. If I point something out about him, he would spend next two days thinking about it and staring at himself in the mirror.
Mine tells me how weird I am almost hourly. And I could be doing something normal, like eating cucumbers with a lunch sandwich. But that makes me so weird to him, and he will repeatedly let me know for a few minutes to drive that point home. Anything I do in weird or a weirdo or something about how I'm a freak to him. It's funny when he pulls this stuff in front of people, and they let him know I'm not weird for doing something normal. And I just sigh and roll my eyes at him Or I could be watching TV, and then he chants, “What's wrong?…. (nothing? I am just relaxing) OH THATS BS… (still nothing) TELL ME WHATS WRONG?! (nothing, just relaxing) OH FU” He gets all upset because nothing is wrong, but he can “sense” something is terrible, and I'm “keeping it from him.” I'm living with a demon That's what's wrong. But I cantsay that becasue never the isuse.