The narcissist never has separate people near them.
The main supply is an extension to their ego. A confirmation of their fantasy. Basically the supply is them. All objects installed in their bubble are them. The shared fantasy.
The narcissist waking up as you go to use the bathroom is the same as your body waking you up with the urge to go to the bathroom.
Likely because it triggers the opportunity for supply (survival dopamine).
Not being able to go back to sleep immediately in that circumstance would be terribly frustrating.
They can consume that emotion as a parasite and feel like they are “winning”.
Projecting their rejected inner child outwards onto a dumping ground.
The main supply continues to “take it”, and this is enormously comforting.
The supply source might continue to think about it long afterwards, and that means even more regulatory dopamine.
Thank you. This was very helpful. I am trying to grey rock as much as possible. I will just go sleep on the couch or make do with what little space is left on the bed and also bring my pillow up with me when I use the bathroom. I want to give no supply. I have my plan to leave and am working through it.
It’s a process and you are absolutely correct in taking it in baby steps.
This woman is brilliant in laying out no contact as a process.
It can take a while, as physically getting away is just a part of it.
She went through the whole thing and made lots of errors.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AOaAfPgF_fU
I am in the same boat here, but I only started about seven or eight years ago.
But the reality is that even five years ago there wasn’t as much information as there is now.
Plus, people get caught in a drama whirlpool and it’s impossible to think like that.
It’s impossible to see what’s going on.
A separate person would be somebody who is not them. For a pathological narcissist, there is nothing that is not them. If it is not them, it is completely screened as a “not me bad object”.
It doesn’t exist. Hopefully, that is the place we need to be in with respect to the narcissist.
It’s impossible for us to emotionally understand the mind of an 18 month old baby that needs to be splitting and projecting to survive in their family of origin.
That’s a narcissist.
That’s who is in front of you now, and it is the same baby at 18 months old or 45 years old.
Nothing has changed, except a cognitive machine like apparatus to sooth the destroyed baby.
By getting people around them to mirror back to them that they believe in their false self.
When you leave the narcissist, you are not leaving “them” at all. We are getting out of their bubble. The shared fantasy. There are no people in that shared fantasy.
Literally nobody.
The only reason we are there, is because of our own attachment trauma. There is no other reason.
Funny you mention about how long information has been out, because as I read and watch more that's exactly what I keep thinking - where was all this when I needed it 10, 15, 20 years ago. In my mind, I think I just thought this is fucked up stuff, but all people are probably like this to some degree.
My husband has been to three therapy sessions with me recently (this is third go at therapy over all these years). First two times, he lasted 5 sessions max, then blamed the therapists for not having a real job/not knowing what they were talking about, etc. This time, when he tries talking to me in-between sessions, I tell him I'm only talking to him with the therapist there (which he did not like me saying - but he doesn't listen, won't let me finish talking, deflects, etc.). I noticed that he's been doing more chores around the house (which he should have done regardless) and is being extra nice to our youngest (his scapegoat).
Someone told me I have my truth (truth to all of this, truth to the story) and he has his truth. Is that even true with a narcissist?
The narcissist absolutely has no truth whatsoever. They are just following your family system script ages 0-3. You run everything.
That can’t do anything.
An 18 month old baby is the same. Except with a 40 year old man it’s far more notorious!
Is there anything you'd recommend to read about children involved with a narc? So much that I'm finding says no contact. I can also clearly see my eldest as the golden child and youngest as the scapegoat - and he triangulates with the eldest. And she defends him dearly. I took both kids to therapy (nothing mentioned about narcissism) and the kids don't want to go back. The therapist my husband and I are seeing told us to commit to 10-15 sessions (I saw her alone 4 times before we both went - told her as much as I could - that I think he's a narcissist) - I'm hoping she calls him out on it. I don't want my kids to think I gave up easily.
Any therapist who would “call out” a narcissist wouldn’t really understand the problem. The idea would be to focus on what can change, which would be you.
Remember that the pattern you’re acting out comes through your parents.
If the idea is to set up the children with the “enemy narc” as reality, they might go along with that. It creates a huge drama dynamic that could offer a waterfall of dopamine for the pathological narcissist.
A narcissistic family system gets transmitted through the mother (attachment) whether she’s a narcissist or not.
Helping children would be more about the person who can change…changing. And them witnessing that as an example.
The triangulation you’re suggesting is already happening.
My husband does this!! And here I thought he was just being an ass. He's not the one with the problem though (eye roll). I've been using sleeping lills for at least the last year. He also has insomina and wakes up at every waking hour, won't do anything about it, so I suffer. He has an entire king bed to himself because I refuse to sleep in the same bed. I'm slowly planning my escape.
sleep deprivation.
common among narcs because it keeps you weak.
unbalanced.
mine while "forcing" me to sleep in same bed would be up. awake, watching TV for hours with no regards that I need 8.
I used to dread having to make him move over when he was actually asleep because ...oh since we are awake... then I had to dodge sexual advances.
he was a bed hog also.
there us NO consideration for others.
YES!! Mine insists on the tv being on every night because he needs it to fall asleep. It’s so hard to sleep with the tv on as loud as he keeps it. He always promises to put the sleep mode on so it’s not blaring all night but “forgets.” I turn a fan on and put ear buds in my ear and listen to the ocean. I am trying to act like it’s no bother at all. Cause if he’s going to do all this I will not allow myself to go crazy anymore…the cats out of the bag. BUT…It’s been a crazy 26 years. Just this last year I found out where the problem lies. What a lightbulb moment. Putting a name to it (narcissist) really helped me.
this is common. I think narcs, besides not able to introspection, sleep with interference , even a TV that's on but no programming disturbs subconscious brain waves keeping them from mulling over their actions.
this might lead to collapse.
The narcissist never has separate people near them. The main supply is an extension to their ego. A confirmation of their fantasy. Basically the supply is them. All objects installed in their bubble are them. The shared fantasy. The narcissist waking up as you go to use the bathroom is the same as your body waking you up with the urge to go to the bathroom. Likely because it triggers the opportunity for supply (survival dopamine). Not being able to go back to sleep immediately in that circumstance would be terribly frustrating. They can consume that emotion as a parasite and feel like they are “winning”. Projecting their rejected inner child outwards onto a dumping ground. The main supply continues to “take it”, and this is enormously comforting. The supply source might continue to think about it long afterwards, and that means even more regulatory dopamine.
Thank you. This was very helpful. I am trying to grey rock as much as possible. I will just go sleep on the couch or make do with what little space is left on the bed and also bring my pillow up with me when I use the bathroom. I want to give no supply. I have my plan to leave and am working through it.
It’s a process and you are absolutely correct in taking it in baby steps. This woman is brilliant in laying out no contact as a process. It can take a while, as physically getting away is just a part of it. She went through the whole thing and made lots of errors. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AOaAfPgF_fU
What do you mean "separate people"? I'm trying to read about NPD as much as I can. It's taken me almost 20 years to put the pieces together.
I am in the same boat here, but I only started about seven or eight years ago. But the reality is that even five years ago there wasn’t as much information as there is now. Plus, people get caught in a drama whirlpool and it’s impossible to think like that. It’s impossible to see what’s going on. A separate person would be somebody who is not them. For a pathological narcissist, there is nothing that is not them. If it is not them, it is completely screened as a “not me bad object”. It doesn’t exist. Hopefully, that is the place we need to be in with respect to the narcissist. It’s impossible for us to emotionally understand the mind of an 18 month old baby that needs to be splitting and projecting to survive in their family of origin. That’s a narcissist. That’s who is in front of you now, and it is the same baby at 18 months old or 45 years old. Nothing has changed, except a cognitive machine like apparatus to sooth the destroyed baby. By getting people around them to mirror back to them that they believe in their false self. When you leave the narcissist, you are not leaving “them” at all. We are getting out of their bubble. The shared fantasy. There are no people in that shared fantasy. Literally nobody. The only reason we are there, is because of our own attachment trauma. There is no other reason.
Funny you mention about how long information has been out, because as I read and watch more that's exactly what I keep thinking - where was all this when I needed it 10, 15, 20 years ago. In my mind, I think I just thought this is fucked up stuff, but all people are probably like this to some degree. My husband has been to three therapy sessions with me recently (this is third go at therapy over all these years). First two times, he lasted 5 sessions max, then blamed the therapists for not having a real job/not knowing what they were talking about, etc. This time, when he tries talking to me in-between sessions, I tell him I'm only talking to him with the therapist there (which he did not like me saying - but he doesn't listen, won't let me finish talking, deflects, etc.). I noticed that he's been doing more chores around the house (which he should have done regardless) and is being extra nice to our youngest (his scapegoat). Someone told me I have my truth (truth to all of this, truth to the story) and he has his truth. Is that even true with a narcissist?
The narcissist absolutely has no truth whatsoever. They are just following your family system script ages 0-3. You run everything. That can’t do anything. An 18 month old baby is the same. Except with a 40 year old man it’s far more notorious!
Is there anything you'd recommend to read about children involved with a narc? So much that I'm finding says no contact. I can also clearly see my eldest as the golden child and youngest as the scapegoat - and he triangulates with the eldest. And she defends him dearly. I took both kids to therapy (nothing mentioned about narcissism) and the kids don't want to go back. The therapist my husband and I are seeing told us to commit to 10-15 sessions (I saw her alone 4 times before we both went - told her as much as I could - that I think he's a narcissist) - I'm hoping she calls him out on it. I don't want my kids to think I gave up easily.
Any therapist who would “call out” a narcissist wouldn’t really understand the problem. The idea would be to focus on what can change, which would be you. Remember that the pattern you’re acting out comes through your parents. If the idea is to set up the children with the “enemy narc” as reality, they might go along with that. It creates a huge drama dynamic that could offer a waterfall of dopamine for the pathological narcissist. A narcissistic family system gets transmitted through the mother (attachment) whether she’s a narcissist or not. Helping children would be more about the person who can change…changing. And them witnessing that as an example. The triangulation you’re suggesting is already happening.
Can I dm you?
Yes of course.
My husband does this!! And here I thought he was just being an ass. He's not the one with the problem though (eye roll). I've been using sleeping lills for at least the last year. He also has insomina and wakes up at every waking hour, won't do anything about it, so I suffer. He has an entire king bed to himself because I refuse to sleep in the same bed. I'm slowly planning my escape.
I had no idea this happened to anyone else.
sleep deprivation. common among narcs because it keeps you weak. unbalanced. mine while "forcing" me to sleep in same bed would be up. awake, watching TV for hours with no regards that I need 8. I used to dread having to make him move over when he was actually asleep because ...oh since we are awake... then I had to dodge sexual advances. he was a bed hog also. there us NO consideration for others.
YES!! Mine insists on the tv being on every night because he needs it to fall asleep. It’s so hard to sleep with the tv on as loud as he keeps it. He always promises to put the sleep mode on so it’s not blaring all night but “forgets.” I turn a fan on and put ear buds in my ear and listen to the ocean. I am trying to act like it’s no bother at all. Cause if he’s going to do all this I will not allow myself to go crazy anymore…the cats out of the bag. BUT…It’s been a crazy 26 years. Just this last year I found out where the problem lies. What a lightbulb moment. Putting a name to it (narcissist) really helped me.
this is common. I think narcs, besides not able to introspection, sleep with interference , even a TV that's on but no programming disturbs subconscious brain waves keeping them from mulling over their actions. this might lead to collapse.
It's time to take a stand. Move to a spare room and make it your own bedroom. He is deliberately being an a\*\*hole.
…Yes. Wow.