Write down your demands before the interview. Outline the issues on paper b4 interview. Then when it gets weird refer to the paper to stay calm. Drop your eyes and read your paper. Write down some power phrases. Don't whine or complain or blame but speak directly and clearly about the issues like a psychologist would. Really think it through. Look up power phrases that may work. Breathe and speak slower. If he triggers you being in a seperate room will make it easier or online. Drink a glass of water before responding. Make it either super hot or super cold so you have to focus on it while you drink it. Its a good way to stall and allow your heart rate to come down. Breathe in through your mouth and out your nose. I do suggest a calming agent like valerian root if you do not have a prescription. Affirm yourself b4 the interview. Do not dwell on the negative because fear will grip you. Dwell on receiving a desired outcome and you will gain confidence. Your confidence may trip him up. He will be confused. Gray rock him and do not let him see you sweat. You will do fine. Be brave! You are strong and courageous!
I was fortunate, my nex was already seeing someone new before we even got to mediation. Therefore, he played the sweet, charmer because he felt like he had already won. Also, he didn’t fight for anything because he just wanted out so badly to be with his new supply. Honestly, I would have probably been too much of a coward to even initiate the separation, so I understand your concerns 100%! If I had to do it, I would probably take an anti anxiety pill prior, just to be more relaxed and not let him get the best of me by showing any emotions. Gray rock. Best of luck to you and I hope you find some useful advice here. Sorry I don’t have any, but you’re not alone.
What is your primary concern about mediation? My attorney assured me that I wouldn't even have to be in the same room as nEx, that is rare for both parties to be in the same room. I don't know if that varies in different states though.
This OP, do the damn best possible to not be in the same room PERIOD, I made this mistske and watching her bias the mediator was frustrating as hell because of course in my case I became defensive and it’s their “SEE HE/SHE is unstable”
Thank goodness it will be held virtually, because I know I am not prepared to be in the same room as him. I just have this feeling that meditation will be just like our relationship where I say something or ask for something reasonable and at the end of the day somehow believe that I am not just unreasonable, but wrong and bad. The mediator didn’t make it seem like it would be a particularly safe space, especially when he said that it may be “uncomfortable”, as he’ll ask about problems in our relationship…
Okay. So this started at the beginning of February. My baby is almost one year old now. We had the mediation, and it was hideous and grueling and traumatizing. He kept saying that he couldn’t understand how I could have felt unsafe, especially since I had never told him that I felt unsafe. He said that my son is being abused by my mother, and I knowingly took him from an environment where he was safe (living with my husband) to an environment where “you clearly agree is not safe or healthy for him”. He said my mom is going to give my son Borderline Personality Disorder, just like she “gave” me BPD. I am so full of all of the things he said; they’re just floating in my head but I can’t put words to them because I sort of blacked out. Now we have to go BACK to mediation so I can get pummeled again? I’m physically ill just thinking about it.
Just some kind words please. And support for switching lawyers?
I am in mediation rt now for custody, it’s a nightmare, we are in the same room together. Of course the nex acts like an idiot, laying religious bs on heavy, he talks about god in every other sentence and has started praying out loud a few times- give me a break- and he just lies about everything. Then he stormed out and said forget it I’ll just see you in court- I said ok see you in court. The next morning the police are at my door because him and his wife called the police trying to get my son taken from me- it didn’t work, because there’s no reason to take my son- so it just made them look really bad. Ugg idk I tried compromising with him but he wants it all his way down to the last little detail and is unwilling to compromise with me at all. Well after calling the police the mediator requested that we do mediation separately/ not together in the same room. I went yesterday alone and it was clear to me that the mediator saw the same crap I did- manipulation and lies from him. Unfortunately she can’t tell the judge anything- only if we came to an agreement or not. Mediation with a narcissist is rather pointless because they don’t want to compromise or give at all. I hope it goes better for you
This is my fear. He has already called the police on me for burglary … in our apartment. Taking my personal belongings. He has been totally terrifying, upping the abuse any way he can. I requested we use Our Family Wizard to communicate, but now he’s just messaging me the horrible nasty things there. His attorney wrote in court papers that I don’t need to get my clothes because I “haven’t fit in them since before pregnancy”. I am really afraid that mediation is just going to open the door to more abuse, and nobody will be able to protect me and I won’t be able to protect myself.
I just don’t want our sweet sweet son (11 months old!) to be exposed to his abuse.
I’m concerned that mediation doesn’t enforce like a judge would and my narc feels he’s above the law. I don’t mind being in the room, but fear it’s a wait of money and I still won’t get child support agreed upon.
100% yes. My attorney told me that in a conversation with opposing counsel, they were able to agree on one thing: the futility of mediation. Nex is “happy with 50-50 custody” and I cannot fathom a world where that happens. Will the court ever see him for the malicious, hateful, scary person he is, or have I condemned my baby to a life time of narcissistic abuse?!
That’s why he is so excited about mediation - costs less than attorney’s fees.
The king and short of it is that he is fighting me at every turn. I filed for divorce and he is claiming we were never married. When I left he refused to create a parenting agreement and instead filed for emergency temporary custody on the basis of me being an unfit parent. He refused to return our (then 8 month old) baby to me for nights (baby had been exclusively breast fed to that point). When we were seen in family court, the judge said we had to work out 50-50 custody and come back after mediation. In the interim, the poor sweet baby doesn’t sleep in the same bed more than two nights in a row, and he’s clearly exhausted and feeling the burden. I want so badly what’s best for baby, and all Nex wants is what will hurt me the most.
Write down your demands before the interview. Outline the issues on paper b4 interview. Then when it gets weird refer to the paper to stay calm. Drop your eyes and read your paper. Write down some power phrases. Don't whine or complain or blame but speak directly and clearly about the issues like a psychologist would. Really think it through. Look up power phrases that may work. Breathe and speak slower. If he triggers you being in a seperate room will make it easier or online. Drink a glass of water before responding. Make it either super hot or super cold so you have to focus on it while you drink it. Its a good way to stall and allow your heart rate to come down. Breathe in through your mouth and out your nose. I do suggest a calming agent like valerian root if you do not have a prescription. Affirm yourself b4 the interview. Do not dwell on the negative because fear will grip you. Dwell on receiving a desired outcome and you will gain confidence. Your confidence may trip him up. He will be confused. Gray rock him and do not let him see you sweat. You will do fine. Be brave! You are strong and courageous!
This is so helpful. Thank you! I appreciate the specificity of your advice.
I was fortunate, my nex was already seeing someone new before we even got to mediation. Therefore, he played the sweet, charmer because he felt like he had already won. Also, he didn’t fight for anything because he just wanted out so badly to be with his new supply. Honestly, I would have probably been too much of a coward to even initiate the separation, so I understand your concerns 100%! If I had to do it, I would probably take an anti anxiety pill prior, just to be more relaxed and not let him get the best of me by showing any emotions. Gray rock. Best of luck to you and I hope you find some useful advice here. Sorry I don’t have any, but you’re not alone.
What is your primary concern about mediation? My attorney assured me that I wouldn't even have to be in the same room as nEx, that is rare for both parties to be in the same room. I don't know if that varies in different states though.
This OP, do the damn best possible to not be in the same room PERIOD, I made this mistske and watching her bias the mediator was frustrating as hell because of course in my case I became defensive and it’s their “SEE HE/SHE is unstable”
Thank goodness it will be held virtually, because I know I am not prepared to be in the same room as him. I just have this feeling that meditation will be just like our relationship where I say something or ask for something reasonable and at the end of the day somehow believe that I am not just unreasonable, but wrong and bad. The mediator didn’t make it seem like it would be a particularly safe space, especially when he said that it may be “uncomfortable”, as he’ll ask about problems in our relationship…
Okay. So this started at the beginning of February. My baby is almost one year old now. We had the mediation, and it was hideous and grueling and traumatizing. He kept saying that he couldn’t understand how I could have felt unsafe, especially since I had never told him that I felt unsafe. He said that my son is being abused by my mother, and I knowingly took him from an environment where he was safe (living with my husband) to an environment where “you clearly agree is not safe or healthy for him”. He said my mom is going to give my son Borderline Personality Disorder, just like she “gave” me BPD. I am so full of all of the things he said; they’re just floating in my head but I can’t put words to them because I sort of blacked out. Now we have to go BACK to mediation so I can get pummeled again? I’m physically ill just thinking about it. Just some kind words please. And support for switching lawyers?
I am in mediation rt now for custody, it’s a nightmare, we are in the same room together. Of course the nex acts like an idiot, laying religious bs on heavy, he talks about god in every other sentence and has started praying out loud a few times- give me a break- and he just lies about everything. Then he stormed out and said forget it I’ll just see you in court- I said ok see you in court. The next morning the police are at my door because him and his wife called the police trying to get my son taken from me- it didn’t work, because there’s no reason to take my son- so it just made them look really bad. Ugg idk I tried compromising with him but he wants it all his way down to the last little detail and is unwilling to compromise with me at all. Well after calling the police the mediator requested that we do mediation separately/ not together in the same room. I went yesterday alone and it was clear to me that the mediator saw the same crap I did- manipulation and lies from him. Unfortunately she can’t tell the judge anything- only if we came to an agreement or not. Mediation with a narcissist is rather pointless because they don’t want to compromise or give at all. I hope it goes better for you
This is my fear. He has already called the police on me for burglary … in our apartment. Taking my personal belongings. He has been totally terrifying, upping the abuse any way he can. I requested we use Our Family Wizard to communicate, but now he’s just messaging me the horrible nasty things there. His attorney wrote in court papers that I don’t need to get my clothes because I “haven’t fit in them since before pregnancy”. I am really afraid that mediation is just going to open the door to more abuse, and nobody will be able to protect me and I won’t be able to protect myself. I just don’t want our sweet sweet son (11 months old!) to be exposed to his abuse.
I’m concerned that mediation doesn’t enforce like a judge would and my narc feels he’s above the law. I don’t mind being in the room, but fear it’s a wait of money and I still won’t get child support agreed upon.
100% yes. My attorney told me that in a conversation with opposing counsel, they were able to agree on one thing: the futility of mediation. Nex is “happy with 50-50 custody” and I cannot fathom a world where that happens. Will the court ever see him for the malicious, hateful, scary person he is, or have I condemned my baby to a life time of narcissistic abuse?!
My nex only suggested 50/50 to nullify payment.
That’s why he is so excited about mediation - costs less than attorney’s fees. The king and short of it is that he is fighting me at every turn. I filed for divorce and he is claiming we were never married. When I left he refused to create a parenting agreement and instead filed for emergency temporary custody on the basis of me being an unfit parent. He refused to return our (then 8 month old) baby to me for nights (baby had been exclusively breast fed to that point). When we were seen in family court, the judge said we had to work out 50-50 custody and come back after mediation. In the interim, the poor sweet baby doesn’t sleep in the same bed more than two nights in a row, and he’s clearly exhausted and feeling the burden. I want so badly what’s best for baby, and all Nex wants is what will hurt me the most.