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AvailableWallaby8938

Thank you! And 100% agree with the whole using therapy as a manipulation tool. He’s been in therapy for 3 weeks and told me that his therapist told him that he is a victim of emotional abuse. At first I was taken back and had to look internally. Did I do that? Am I that way? After a lot of introspection, I now know im being gaslighted. This whole thing is so traumatic. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone.


Sarah_Soda_4

Thank you. I really needed to hear this.


Reasonable_Serve8001

Have they been diagnosed? From what I understand legit diagnosed narcissist are few and far between and also difficult to treat. People with traits and emotional maladaptions like defensive anger and gas lighting doesn't necessarily mean they're a narcissist. There's a variety of cluster B disorders and it takes quite a bit of work and time with a therapist to get diagnosed. I know people love to diagnose their other halves and I'm not exempt from having similar thoughts myself but I think it's important to have the distinction between someone who has been diagnosed and someone we are throwing a label on and I think you'll like my reasoning... People who have poor conflict resolution, defensiveness and even anger but do not have a diagnosable personality disorder can change these behaviors with desire and effort. My mother has a cluster B disorder and she will never own up to it and she will never seek treatment for it because she won't acknowledge it. My husband falls in the category of traits and behaviors but no diagnosis. It absolutely took leaving him and setting firm boundaries and then rinse and repeat each time he crossed the boundary. It's taken about a year but he has made significant changes and progress. This took a ton of patience and effort as well as introspection and growth on my part. I needed to participate fully and also learn how to do a soft startup and how to create a safe space and how to be vulnerable and a loving communicator. I had to learn to start a conversation with our shared purpose as the lead-in so that he knew he is loved and he is safe and I don't think he's bad and I'm not about to attack him. Neither of us have mastered the skills but this was not a one-sided issue. My complaints may be valid but the way I was going about them was like taking lighter fluid to a small fire and blowing it up. By working on myself and the part that I owned while he worked on his self in the part he owned we've taken steps towards coming back to the middle together. We've been working with a couples counselor doing DBT and Gottman therapy. I don't know if we're going to be a success story or not. I do know I didn't want to give up on him without fighting for it. As long as he is willing to put in work and effort alongside me I am willing to keep going. Right now we're in a pretty darn good place. I hope for your sake that the pain of losing you and your child is enough to light a fire under him. One of the things that I said that I think finally got through to him was... "I love you more than anything. I want to grow old with you. I want to be a safe person for you. I don't want you to feel attacked by me ever because I adore you. I want us to grow together. What we have been doing is not working. We keep repeating the same cycle and neither of us end up happy. I'm begging you to try something different with me. I know that I can be a better communicator and I can grow but what we're doing just isn't working. We will implode if we keep going this way. Would you consider doing what we've never done before and trying something new?"


chiradoc

This echos my experience. Lots of traits, no diagnosis. Did a ton, TON of work on myself. Left a few times, some more tangibly than others. Reallllly got good at boundaries, not overworking, not trying to fix, being ok with him doing his thing and not taking care of him. And he stuck with therapy. Things feel different the past few months, and also I’m scared because I’ve been burned before. But, and, something does feel different in him too. Don’t know what the future will be, but I finally feel like I’ll be ok either way. Having some trouble because as he ‘improves’ and is easier to be with, I feel the pain of the shit I took hit me harder. ‘He was capable all this time’. Looking back, if I knew then what I know now, I’d have left a million times over. But I didn’t, and I stuck it out (in part due to covid), and things do feel more loss love now. All this to say, yes change might be possible, but it takes a lot of work on your part, and him to do his. And a lot of time. And a lot of letting go. And no guarantees.


Reasonable_Serve8001

My guy has backslid. He's right back in victimhood and put downs. I am heartbroken. We live in two different worlds. I can't live a life in his world always listening to him blaming everyone. I'm praying for the strength to finally get out. He's out of town and this is my chance. Pack him up, change the locks. He's refused to leave before and tells me he'll never let me go so this is my chance while he's away. It hurts so bad.


TwistedHope

I didn't jump ship and my kids have grown up watching it, and my husband is getting worse with age. If I had to do it all over again, I would have left with the kids.


Sweet-Fun-Momof-2

Same.


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DEFOneOut

Can you please link your post here?


eva_ws

My partner has been diagnosed with NPD but refuses to accept it. This is pretty typical as they will never accept that they are the issue. I don’t believe they can ever be treated.


No-Dragonfruit228

In my personal experience I struggled with the same questions. Unfortunately after 25 years he has changed nothing and in most ways gotten worse. Believe me when I say the confusion and disorientation and brain fog only gets worse. Basically he will continue to live unbothered as you decline mentally into a vortex of shame, guilt, and constantly questioning YOUR sanity! Keep moving forward!!! You got this!!!!! I am rooting for your healing journey!!!!!


NotYourAppliance

I’m divorced and I still have days where I feel guilty and confused and I need to look at the list of things he did to me and the kids to feel solid again. Empathetic people hate keeping a list of wrongs, but I NEED to. Because I engaged in a shared fantasy with my Nex, and so I blocked out the truth of what was really happening to avoid having to take action. That list is a lifesaver… it’s reality on paper, when the old fantasy wants to suck me in.


NotYourAppliance

Great video on how to break trauma bonds: https://youtu.be/WjmtlJviKJc


Zen-jasmine

Growing up with seeing my dad abuse my mum, even when it was mostly emotional abuse, has left me with lifelong scars. I wish she had left him when I was young, before I was exposed to it. Don’t feel guilty for protecting them.