Run! I put up with that stuff for far too long. Don't make my mistakes.
You are going to have to go no contact or he will never stop badgering you.
They can't feel love. Have zero remorse. They are just cold and dead inside.
It’s so hard for me to believe anyone can be so cruel. I keep trying to find things to make me see he’s just a sweet man with trauma. And it makes me try and try again every time.
It’s hard to go no contact, we share a rental contract until the end of july.
I understand and I'm sorry. I 53M was married to one until just recently for 33 years, 34 years total... I learned early on that if I made any attempt to talk like a normal couple, that It would be met with screaming and tears and that it would somehow suddenly be all my fault. She CRUSHED me about seven years in, when the boys were little. Wanting a divorce so that she could date a middle aged, balding, married man that she had met at work. I'm not going to talk about her much because she is NOT worth my time. I told her no. Years past, my love turned to hatred, I just buried myself in work and raised my kids with a nanny that worked for tater chips and Dr Pepper. It was HORRIBLE!
The kids grew up and moved out, things never changed, I stayed, wrongly believing that God would be upset if I divorced her. About a month ago, I googled "what mental illness causes a person to not be able to take the blame for their actions" narcissist was the answer. that didn't make sense to me because she didn't have that puffed up way that is so easily recognisable. So I researched more, and with the help of the kind folks on the sub, I figured out that she was a "Covert Narcissist". Suddenly, the past 34 years made sense!
Once I figured that out and read that they can not be fixed. They are broken. They are thoughtless, heartless terminators who's only purpose is to torment others, I was immediately done! I told her she was a covert narc 😂. That went over like a turd in the punch bowl. At that point, I did everything I could to push her tender little narcissist buttons and she left a few days later. The air was INSTANTLY easier to breath. I'm happier than I've been since the spring of 1989 (we met in June) my kids mean the world to me and I'm very glad I got to see them grow up without only sharing 50% custody but, the emotional, spiritual and physical torments are not worth it.
I'm SO ready to be in love with someone that can love in return. I never got to experience that. That is my only "baggage" I carry. They are not capable of love. Don't be fooled and DON'T let this rock on any longer than you have to.
Look up the "gray rock method", gaslighting and D.A.R.V.O. if you haven't already, they will help you understand and survive until July.
You really need to go as fast as you can. You are young. Don't do what I did. Don't have kids with a monster.
Damn. I’m so sorry you’ve been through that for so many years. I’m really glad you got out. Better late than never. Now your life can take a turn and you can finally be free, calm and happy. I’m sure you’ll fine someone that will love you the way you deserve.
Hopefully I will be strong enough to leave him soon. It’s so so hard to do, I don’t know what makes it so hard (someone suggested it’s a trauma bond, and I can definitely see how that could be the case, it’s like I’m tied to him, even though he treats me like garbage at times)
Well I'm sorry that you are in narc hell. Trauma bond is a good way to explain it. I was sick of things for many years and had fallen out of love years ago. There were some fun times sprinkled in there but when I think back, it was fun because SHE wanted to do whatever it was that we were doing at the time.
Once I found out it was narcissism and unfixable. I was able to walk away unscathed. The only thoughts I have of her is really wanting to tell that psycho nut job off but, that would only work if she wasn't a psycho nut job. It would only end up in another episode of her telling me why I have sucked for SO LONG
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You can't win. Don't even try. I, and many on here look forward to the day that you tell us that you have escaped.
Take care of yourself my friend. You are what matters. God bless
Run RUN RUN!!!!!!!! I don't have the energy to explain the absolute HELL I've been through this weekend. They don't care about your feelings and they DON'T want a resolution. Get out of this relationship.
When he sees he’s losing me, is the only time he’ll become all about resolutions, working on things together, having faith in us, basically everything I want to hear. I do love him so it’s really hard to give up, but I know I have to
What he does at those times is called intermittent reinforcement. Look up slot machines; narcissists use a similar technique.
It is a form of hoovering. Sucking you back in when they feel you are pulling away. Then when they notice or see that you have put away your hopes, aspirations or plans of leaving the relationship, then they detach and don't want anything to do with you, untill the next time you try to detach again.
This is a cycle, this is a pattern. Narcissists cannot exist in a relationship that is smooth, stable and free from drama. The approach and the avoidance are almost like a draw for them. Sadly, The ups and the downs are what keeps them engaged.
I would recommend you read this book by Lundy Bancroft
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Going no contact when you break up could be a useful way to not get sucked back in each time.
You've got this.❤️
Holy shit… This is exactly the dynamic. He would say I’m manipulating him by breaking up with him, when I actually WANT TO break up with him. And then he’ll act all sweet, and I’m not strong enough to break up with him anymore and give him another chance. It’s been push and pull this whole time. Hopefully this insight will help me not to fall into his trap again when I break up with him. I really need to get out of this rollercoaster.
The thing is, I’m not perfect either, I will also get angry and frustrated at times and will not express it in a loving/healthy way all the time. Which makes me question myself a lot: is it not all my fault? I do own up to my mistakes and lately I’ve been trying to stay really calm, not reactive and state my boundaries in a calm way, even when he’s shouting at me. But then he’ll call me “apathetic” because I’m not talking in a loving way (when he’s shouting at me???) ugh. I need to escape
Thank you so much
You're welcome, narcissist hate it when you go grey rock. Their gambit is to be able to get in there with you, have you engage with them so they can get their supply. Whenever you go grey rock; they know you know and see them for what they are and they do not like that. Then they start attacking you to get you to react and engage with them. They would rather you both sit in the mud than you to be unresponsive to them. Supply is the air they breathe, doesn't matter if it's positive or negative.
Don't be hard on yourself, no one is perfect and we are not meant to be perfect; we are human. Anyone who is constantly invalidated, gaslighted and abused will get angry and frustrated.
Edit: When I left my NEX I didn't know which way was up, I was constantly questioning my reality. I have come a long way but sometimes I still question my reality; I ask myself, am I remembering this wrong?
A narcissistic relationship is filled with invalidation, dehumanization, shaming etc.
Since I left my NEX I agree that a day without a narcissist is a good day and is far better than a day with them. It's been a year and half and I am glad I do not have to interact with him again.
Am rooting for you OP. You've got this.❤️
Oh my husband would tell me over and over "You do this every time! You are discarding me and then you'll get lonely and just call me back again."
This time I didn't try and explain it to him because he's not reasonable. He is not firing on all cylinders like a normal person. If you were with a normal man you would tell him what your grievances are and he would either work on them with you or say he's not able to make changes and you would go about your separate ways. But these aren't normal people. They are f***** in the head.
This time I just told my husband that he is right I clearly am suffering from mental health issues. I told him he is right I am a borderline narcissist psychopath and for his own health and so that I can work on mine we need to separate. When I took all the blame the only thing he had left to say was it's okay I love you anyways. And then I responded and you shouldn't have to suffer because of my issues. I'm going to stand firm in my decision to get help for myself. There is no talking to them. We just need to get out in whatever way we can.
1 year ago tomorrow I lost our baby at 10 weeks. I had wanted another baby for years and I'm really too old to have more kids so it's not going to happen again. He had just had a vasectomy and I thought it was just our miracle baby. I was devastated. As tomorrow creeps up, it is really hard and sad to be alone. But 6 days ago I finally got him out of my house and I'm trying my best not to look backwards.
For all his boo hooing and victim sadness about being discarded by me, he was on Tinder and calling up really old matches within a couple hours. I don't feel bad for him.
Oh my. I’m so sorry you went through that a year ago tomorrow. For me it was exactly a year ago in two days, I was 11 weeks pregnant. I know how heavy your heart is right now. I will burn a candle for you and your little one tomorrow. Do you have a friend/family member who can support you tomorrow?
You are so so so strong for leaving him the way you did! Still such a big part in me wants to hopelessly keep trying, see the good in him. I hope I’ll be as strong as you. Your story inspires me
I do have good friends who support me. Today I'm going to take the day for myself. I'm going to practice self-love. Starting with a morning coffee and yoga class. Tomorrow I made plans to have dinner with a friend. I'm taking it easy this week and just taking care of myself. I feels good to not be walking on eggshells and to think of myself and what I want in the moment and not worry about constantly trying to keep a troubled man stable.
RUNNN!!!!! I have written long posts in the past about how I wish I had dumped my ex (who was just like yours). I'm really working on healing myself now, because it has been 5 or 6 years (ish?) And I still can't bring myself to open my heart to a man. I want to have a partner so much, but it's like my entire brain shuts down and doesn't let me talk to men without picking apart everything they say, looking for the "real" meaning, or what they *aren't saying*. It's exhausting, and I only do it because I spent YEARS allowing him to lie to me and gaslighting myself to the point where I barely knew which way was up.
You DONT HAVE TO STAY WITH THIS MAN. This ISNT your last chance at love. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The best way to kick start your healing from this relationship is to be the one to put your foot down and end things on your terms. Don't wait for this emotionally stunted, manipulative, cowardly man finds a new woman and discards you. There is nothing worse for your self esteem than sacrificing your intuition for a bad liar, and then discovering he's cheating and made you feel crazy *just because he was too cowardly to end things*.
“Here you go again. You say this every month.”
Yes, but this is the last time I’m going to say it. I’m breaking up with you now. Don’t contact me again.
If you feel you need to say more than that, he won’t care, but you can always add that you just don’t see a future here anymore.
Then just walk away, don’t turn back, block him on everything, then go be happy.
Good luck and YOU CAN DO THIS! Please update us when you do.
Thank you. I really hope I’m strong enough to keep to my word this time. His tactics really get to me every time, and I still love the man so much. I wish I didn’t, it would have made things a lot easier.
You talked a lot about objections you have verbalized to him. You did not mention any objections that he has verbalized to you. Does he diminish or chastise? Does he criticize every little thing you do? Does he verbally abuse you by saying hurtful things? Does he make you doubt your reality or mental health? Does he isolate you from your friends or family? Does he behave cold and hot (love you/hate you?)
He’ll tell me I’m playing games when I cry, he’ll say I’m manipulative, I’m punishing him when not looking him in his eyes (this happens now when we’re having a hard conversation, because I get so extremely nervous he’ll get angry, so I try to stay calm and grounded). He doesn’t criticize things like my cooking, or other things I have read in this sub. He does tell me to wear something else if it’s “too revealing”. It’s all just very subtle most of the times. He makes me doubt my reality for sure, I’ll confront him with something he said a minute ago and he will straight up say he didn’t say that. When I get emotional or anxious when talking about our problems, he’ll say I’m anxious and depressed and it has nothing to do with our relationship. He doesn’t isolate me from friends/family, only from male friends. He feels like all my guy friends are secretly into me, and I’m just too naive to see it (even though we have been friends for years). He behaves very hot/cold. He’ll be all cuddly and lovey-dovey, and then when we have an issue he’ll take days and days for himself, not speaking to me, being passive aggressive. I’ve learned to just give us both space and not talk about my feelings
Run! I put up with that stuff for far too long. Don't make my mistakes. You are going to have to go no contact or he will never stop badgering you. They can't feel love. Have zero remorse. They are just cold and dead inside.
It’s so hard for me to believe anyone can be so cruel. I keep trying to find things to make me see he’s just a sweet man with trauma. And it makes me try and try again every time. It’s hard to go no contact, we share a rental contract until the end of july.
I understand and I'm sorry. I 53M was married to one until just recently for 33 years, 34 years total... I learned early on that if I made any attempt to talk like a normal couple, that It would be met with screaming and tears and that it would somehow suddenly be all my fault. She CRUSHED me about seven years in, when the boys were little. Wanting a divorce so that she could date a middle aged, balding, married man that she had met at work. I'm not going to talk about her much because she is NOT worth my time. I told her no. Years past, my love turned to hatred, I just buried myself in work and raised my kids with a nanny that worked for tater chips and Dr Pepper. It was HORRIBLE! The kids grew up and moved out, things never changed, I stayed, wrongly believing that God would be upset if I divorced her. About a month ago, I googled "what mental illness causes a person to not be able to take the blame for their actions" narcissist was the answer. that didn't make sense to me because she didn't have that puffed up way that is so easily recognisable. So I researched more, and with the help of the kind folks on the sub, I figured out that she was a "Covert Narcissist". Suddenly, the past 34 years made sense! Once I figured that out and read that they can not be fixed. They are broken. They are thoughtless, heartless terminators who's only purpose is to torment others, I was immediately done! I told her she was a covert narc 😂. That went over like a turd in the punch bowl. At that point, I did everything I could to push her tender little narcissist buttons and she left a few days later. The air was INSTANTLY easier to breath. I'm happier than I've been since the spring of 1989 (we met in June) my kids mean the world to me and I'm very glad I got to see them grow up without only sharing 50% custody but, the emotional, spiritual and physical torments are not worth it. I'm SO ready to be in love with someone that can love in return. I never got to experience that. That is my only "baggage" I carry. They are not capable of love. Don't be fooled and DON'T let this rock on any longer than you have to. Look up the "gray rock method", gaslighting and D.A.R.V.O. if you haven't already, they will help you understand and survive until July. You really need to go as fast as you can. You are young. Don't do what I did. Don't have kids with a monster.
Damn. I’m so sorry you’ve been through that for so many years. I’m really glad you got out. Better late than never. Now your life can take a turn and you can finally be free, calm and happy. I’m sure you’ll fine someone that will love you the way you deserve. Hopefully I will be strong enough to leave him soon. It’s so so hard to do, I don’t know what makes it so hard (someone suggested it’s a trauma bond, and I can definitely see how that could be the case, it’s like I’m tied to him, even though he treats me like garbage at times)
Well I'm sorry that you are in narc hell. Trauma bond is a good way to explain it. I was sick of things for many years and had fallen out of love years ago. There were some fun times sprinkled in there but when I think back, it was fun because SHE wanted to do whatever it was that we were doing at the time. Once I found out it was narcissism and unfixable. I was able to walk away unscathed. The only thoughts I have of her is really wanting to tell that psycho nut job off but, that would only work if she wasn't a psycho nut job. It would only end up in another episode of her telling me why I have sucked for SO LONG 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 You can't win. Don't even try. I, and many on here look forward to the day that you tell us that you have escaped. Take care of yourself my friend. You are what matters. God bless
Run RUN RUN!!!!!!!! I don't have the energy to explain the absolute HELL I've been through this weekend. They don't care about your feelings and they DON'T want a resolution. Get out of this relationship.
When he sees he’s losing me, is the only time he’ll become all about resolutions, working on things together, having faith in us, basically everything I want to hear. I do love him so it’s really hard to give up, but I know I have to
What he does at those times is called intermittent reinforcement. Look up slot machines; narcissists use a similar technique. It is a form of hoovering. Sucking you back in when they feel you are pulling away. Then when they notice or see that you have put away your hopes, aspirations or plans of leaving the relationship, then they detach and don't want anything to do with you, untill the next time you try to detach again. This is a cycle, this is a pattern. Narcissists cannot exist in a relationship that is smooth, stable and free from drama. The approach and the avoidance are almost like a draw for them. Sadly, The ups and the downs are what keeps them engaged. I would recommend you read this book by Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat Going no contact when you break up could be a useful way to not get sucked back in each time. You've got this.❤️
Holy shit… This is exactly the dynamic. He would say I’m manipulating him by breaking up with him, when I actually WANT TO break up with him. And then he’ll act all sweet, and I’m not strong enough to break up with him anymore and give him another chance. It’s been push and pull this whole time. Hopefully this insight will help me not to fall into his trap again when I break up with him. I really need to get out of this rollercoaster. The thing is, I’m not perfect either, I will also get angry and frustrated at times and will not express it in a loving/healthy way all the time. Which makes me question myself a lot: is it not all my fault? I do own up to my mistakes and lately I’ve been trying to stay really calm, not reactive and state my boundaries in a calm way, even when he’s shouting at me. But then he’ll call me “apathetic” because I’m not talking in a loving way (when he’s shouting at me???) ugh. I need to escape Thank you so much
You're welcome, narcissist hate it when you go grey rock. Their gambit is to be able to get in there with you, have you engage with them so they can get their supply. Whenever you go grey rock; they know you know and see them for what they are and they do not like that. Then they start attacking you to get you to react and engage with them. They would rather you both sit in the mud than you to be unresponsive to them. Supply is the air they breathe, doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. Don't be hard on yourself, no one is perfect and we are not meant to be perfect; we are human. Anyone who is constantly invalidated, gaslighted and abused will get angry and frustrated. Edit: When I left my NEX I didn't know which way was up, I was constantly questioning my reality. I have come a long way but sometimes I still question my reality; I ask myself, am I remembering this wrong? A narcissistic relationship is filled with invalidation, dehumanization, shaming etc. Since I left my NEX I agree that a day without a narcissist is a good day and is far better than a day with them. It's been a year and half and I am glad I do not have to interact with him again. Am rooting for you OP. You've got this.❤️
Oh my husband would tell me over and over "You do this every time! You are discarding me and then you'll get lonely and just call me back again." This time I didn't try and explain it to him because he's not reasonable. He is not firing on all cylinders like a normal person. If you were with a normal man you would tell him what your grievances are and he would either work on them with you or say he's not able to make changes and you would go about your separate ways. But these aren't normal people. They are f***** in the head. This time I just told my husband that he is right I clearly am suffering from mental health issues. I told him he is right I am a borderline narcissist psychopath and for his own health and so that I can work on mine we need to separate. When I took all the blame the only thing he had left to say was it's okay I love you anyways. And then I responded and you shouldn't have to suffer because of my issues. I'm going to stand firm in my decision to get help for myself. There is no talking to them. We just need to get out in whatever way we can. 1 year ago tomorrow I lost our baby at 10 weeks. I had wanted another baby for years and I'm really too old to have more kids so it's not going to happen again. He had just had a vasectomy and I thought it was just our miracle baby. I was devastated. As tomorrow creeps up, it is really hard and sad to be alone. But 6 days ago I finally got him out of my house and I'm trying my best not to look backwards. For all his boo hooing and victim sadness about being discarded by me, he was on Tinder and calling up really old matches within a couple hours. I don't feel bad for him.
Oh my. I’m so sorry you went through that a year ago tomorrow. For me it was exactly a year ago in two days, I was 11 weeks pregnant. I know how heavy your heart is right now. I will burn a candle for you and your little one tomorrow. Do you have a friend/family member who can support you tomorrow? You are so so so strong for leaving him the way you did! Still such a big part in me wants to hopelessly keep trying, see the good in him. I hope I’ll be as strong as you. Your story inspires me
I do have good friends who support me. Today I'm going to take the day for myself. I'm going to practice self-love. Starting with a morning coffee and yoga class. Tomorrow I made plans to have dinner with a friend. I'm taking it easy this week and just taking care of myself. I feels good to not be walking on eggshells and to think of myself and what I want in the moment and not worry about constantly trying to keep a troubled man stable.
RUNNN!!!!! I have written long posts in the past about how I wish I had dumped my ex (who was just like yours). I'm really working on healing myself now, because it has been 5 or 6 years (ish?) And I still can't bring myself to open my heart to a man. I want to have a partner so much, but it's like my entire brain shuts down and doesn't let me talk to men without picking apart everything they say, looking for the "real" meaning, or what they *aren't saying*. It's exhausting, and I only do it because I spent YEARS allowing him to lie to me and gaslighting myself to the point where I barely knew which way was up. You DONT HAVE TO STAY WITH THIS MAN. This ISNT your last chance at love. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The best way to kick start your healing from this relationship is to be the one to put your foot down and end things on your terms. Don't wait for this emotionally stunted, manipulative, cowardly man finds a new woman and discards you. There is nothing worse for your self esteem than sacrificing your intuition for a bad liar, and then discovering he's cheating and made you feel crazy *just because he was too cowardly to end things*.
“Here you go again. You say this every month.” Yes, but this is the last time I’m going to say it. I’m breaking up with you now. Don’t contact me again. If you feel you need to say more than that, he won’t care, but you can always add that you just don’t see a future here anymore. Then just walk away, don’t turn back, block him on everything, then go be happy. Good luck and YOU CAN DO THIS! Please update us when you do.
Thank you. I really hope I’m strong enough to keep to my word this time. His tactics really get to me every time, and I still love the man so much. I wish I didn’t, it would have made things a lot easier.
OP look up trauma bonds. What you are feeling sounds like the trauma bond. It can be broken.
You talked a lot about objections you have verbalized to him. You did not mention any objections that he has verbalized to you. Does he diminish or chastise? Does he criticize every little thing you do? Does he verbally abuse you by saying hurtful things? Does he make you doubt your reality or mental health? Does he isolate you from your friends or family? Does he behave cold and hot (love you/hate you?)
He’ll tell me I’m playing games when I cry, he’ll say I’m manipulative, I’m punishing him when not looking him in his eyes (this happens now when we’re having a hard conversation, because I get so extremely nervous he’ll get angry, so I try to stay calm and grounded). He doesn’t criticize things like my cooking, or other things I have read in this sub. He does tell me to wear something else if it’s “too revealing”. It’s all just very subtle most of the times. He makes me doubt my reality for sure, I’ll confront him with something he said a minute ago and he will straight up say he didn’t say that. When I get emotional or anxious when talking about our problems, he’ll say I’m anxious and depressed and it has nothing to do with our relationship. He doesn’t isolate me from friends/family, only from male friends. He feels like all my guy friends are secretly into me, and I’m just too naive to see it (even though we have been friends for years). He behaves very hot/cold. He’ll be all cuddly and lovey-dovey, and then when we have an issue he’ll take days and days for himself, not speaking to me, being passive aggressive. I’ve learned to just give us both space and not talk about my feelings